Parents must be aware of the impact their child is having on other adults around them, especially in places where people can reasonably go with the expectation of some peace and quiet – train carriages, restaurants, pubs and so on. Children’s tantrums and parents’ overly-loud praise or ‘baby talk’ can be equally intrusive and distracting for others.
Parents’ reactions to their child should be well moderated. If they are angry with a child because of his/her behaviour in a public place (a supermarket, for example), shouting or dramatic behaviour should be avoided. While tantrums may be par for the course with toddlers, uncontrollable public displays of anger require careful management. If the situation is getting out of control, a quiet corner away from others is the best place to resolve the situation.
Remind children frequently about their ps and qs; an automatic ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ response is a basic requirement of good childhood manners. Parents should also be consistent about what they will not tolerate, for example, loud shouting or screeching, pushing and shoving, interrupting, pointing or making remarks about other people.
It isn’t, however, just about teaching children good manners, it’s also about parents leading by example. Parents’ good manners will inevitably rub off on their children, so it is important for parents to be polite at all times and show consideration for people in public places. It is realistic, however, to accept that there are always going to be times when children misbehave. In this situation, damage limitation and the attempt to regain control is preferable to dramatic exasperation or capitulation.
If a child is behaving inappropriately or intrusively in a public place, other people should refrain from offering advice or passing immediate judgement. Sometimes it is hard to soothe a crying baby or calm down a toddler who is in the middle of a tantrum. If the situation is too much to bear, then try to move away, for example change seat on the train or move table in the pub.
Children should remain close to their parents at all times in a shop of any size. They should be supervised and not be allowed to touch or pick up items or be left to play in a different area of the shop, unless it is in a dedicated children’s area.
In supermarkets, children who are shouting, screaming, running up and down the aisles or ‘riding’ the trolleys will be an irritation or even a danger to other customers. It is sensible to sit smaller toddlers in the designated trolley-seat, rather than setting them free to roam.
The suitability of a restaurant or pub – food, ambience, space – should be considered carefully when children are involved. Young children who accompany adults to restaurants or pubs in the evening should be especially quiet and well-behaved.
Children should be able to sit up at the table for the duration of the meal or drink, without being disruptive. If they are very fidgety, then a parent or adult can take them for a walk or quiet look around. Children should be discouraged from getting down and running around as they may disturb others. Parents may give smaller children some quiet toys or activities and ensure that they order promptly to avoid a hungry wait for food.
Pub gardens offer a little more freedom for children but, even in a spacious area in the open air, loud noise or boisterous play must be controlled.
Children should not kick, jolt, or otherwise interfere with, the seat in front. They should not run up and down the aisle, especially when the lights are off. If a baby or child is upset during the flight, parents can try getting up and walking around – cabin space is limited, but a child may respond well to a change of scene. Nobody wants a child to cry on the plane, so other passengers should avoid showing irritation.
For many parents, the school gate is an important daily social interaction. While for some it can be a pleasure, others may, for example, feel excluded by cliques and boastful parents. Look out for lone parents and try to include them. Often whole groups of children have been together since nursery school, and by the time they get to ‘big school’, cliques of mothers have formed. Parents who are coming in from outside the clique may feel alienated; it may also mean that their child suffers from a lack of invitations.
Keep conversation light and non-competitive; the playground is not the place to display your own social status or professional credentials. Similarly, boasting about your child’s achievements can cause offence. It’s tactful to be discreet – a parent who is struggling with a child with dyslexia or learning difficulties will not want to hear about your child’s academic triumphs. Resist the temptation to question other parents about how well their child is doing – talking directly with the teacher is more sensible.
Never gossip about other children – their behaviour or failings – with fellow parents. Similarly, resist the urge to gossip about other parents: this sort of poison leaks out (possibly with the children as the unwitting conduit) and can cause real distress.
Take your concerns about the school directly to your child’s teacher or to the head. Continuous moaning to other parents about perceived shortcomings will just stir up dissatisfaction without actually achieving anything. Even if there is a serious grievance, it is wise to keep tempers in check and language moderate – anger will only make people defensive.
Drive safely and park considerately outside the school. Express willingness, if possible, to help with pick-ups, after-school visits, school-runs etc, especially if you are hoping that other people will reciprocate. If other parents are looking after your child after school, be punctilious about arrangements and timings.
Always do your best to turn up punctually for regular meetings with the teacher. If this isn’t possible, find an alternative option – being ‘too busy’ to discuss a child’s progress will be frowned upon. Always fill out all the material that comes from the school, and do it promptly.
Never embarrass a child in front of his/her fellow pupils or teacher. Parents accompanying their children on a school trip, for example, should always take their cue from their children. Behaviour that is acceptable in the privacy of the family home may be absolutely mortifying in a school context.
