It’s a Date!
As Valentine’s Day approaches, we’re turning our minds to the world of romance and dating. While no date is going to succeed without the elusive spark of attraction, we would argue that good manners and courteous behaviour will go a long way towards creating a positive and relaxed atmosphere, giving couples who are on a first date every opportunity to get to know each other.
First Dates: the Basics
•It is deeply flattering to be asked out – remember that no one will ever hate you for it, even if they refuse, so don’t beat around the bush. Suggest a date by phone or face-to-face – don’t hide behind text or email.
•Punctuality is particularly important when romantic sensibilities are involved – lateness can easily be misinterpreted as a lack of interest or be condemned as disturbing character trait. If you are running late, call ahead and explain; resist the temptation to hide behind a text – it looks perfunctory.
•Drinks or lunch are a good option; you can test the water without having to spend an entire evening together. Avoid venues that are too noisy, pretentious or intimate. It’s wise to have a back-up plan in case things go wrong (another choice of venue if the place you were going is shut, somewhere indoors if it starts to rain on an outdoor date).
•Focus on the conversation, which means establishing a perfect mix of talking and listening. Clever conversationalists pick up threads as they go along. They create a multi-layered conversation and a sense of intimacy. Gentle humour, flattery and the occasional well-placed, and genuine, compliment all oil the wheels of conversation. Make an effort to ask questions (and listen to the answers) an don’t bluff, lie, name-drop or brag.
•Never answer calls or send text messages during the date. Undivided attention is essential.
•When it comes to the bill, the general rule is that the person who requests the pleasure, pays for the pleasure. So, as a simple point of etiquette, you should pick up the tab if you have invited the other person. However, life isn’t simple, and dating even less so. All too often, the arrival of the bill brings with it an unwelcome awkwardness.
Going Dutch is an option, and it’s probably a good idea to do so if you’ve met through a dating app and mutually agreed to try meeting each other in the flesh.
But for many people, bill-splitting can seem too clinical a transaction in the context of a romantic encounter – you could both insist on paying until one of you eventually concedes and promises to make up for it next time (if there is definitely going to be a next time).
•Always follow up. That means sending a polite text or calling after the date, and thanking your partner. This should be done promptly.
Cancelling
The clear-cut rules for cancelling a hotel reservation can be applied for dating cancellations. If you pull out more than a month beforehand, there is no penalty at all; between a month and two days’ beforehand, there are varying but small amounts of fallout; anything less than 48 hours and you start to incur hefty charges; and if you cancel on the same day or, rudest still, fail to show up altogether without good reason, then you have to pay the full price (you will probably never see your date again). Inevitably there are good reasons for cancelling – contagious illness, family crisis, hospitalisation – and if these are fully explained there should be no negative fallout. But bad reasons are legion: from working late, feeling stressed or getting a better offer to being overcome with laziness or indifference.
Many of the latter reasons are deeply offensive, so if you have any hopes of reconvening at a later date you will have to deploy diplomacy and white lies when it comes to cancelling. Be brave and call to cancel, rather than skulking behind a text or an email, which is the worst insult of all.
Internet Dating
The latest figures show that more than 10 per cent of UK adults are currently on dating apps and it is therefore probable that a significant portion of Valentine’s Day dates will be between couples who have only met online, not in real life.
Online daters will have learnt the hard way that it is sensible to use a realistic, but flattering, photograph to illustrate their online profile. While it is tempting to create an alternative online persona, or to elaborate on reality and lie about your attributes, job, earning power or life experience, you will always be called out.
Don’t turn into a sleazy cyberstalker. A simple check-up on a potential match can soon turn into a deep dive into their online profile. Leave some mystique to the real-life date and don’t succumb to a social media fantasy.
When it comes to meeting online matches in person make sure you have a tactful escape strategy; be polite and don’t resort to improbable lies. If you’re meeting for the first time it is sensible to choose an early evening drink, rather than going the whole hog and opting for an intimate dinner for two (especially on Valentine’s Day) – it makes speedy exits so much easier.
A Seductive Dinner
If you’re already an established couple, then you might find that laying on a dinner à deux is the perfect setting for romance. You will be able to focus on your partner, enjoy the sensual pleasure of food and the stimulus of conversation.
A cosy dinner at home is an excellent way of escaping the hackneyed romance (helium balloons, red roses, mood music) purveyed by restaurants at this time of year. You can decorate the table with beautiful flowers and create a seductive ambience with well-dimmed lamps or candles.
Don’t create a complex meal; simply concentrate on a signature dish that you are confident you can create with a minimum of anxiety and focus instead on plenty of treats – nuts and figs, chocolates and fine wine.
Beware foods that are difficult to eat, whether you are eating in a restaurant or at home. Most people don’t look very seductive when they’re trying to manage a plate of slippery spaghetti or dissecting a bony fish.
Don’t serve or choose food that requires concentration; your focus should be on each other, not your plate. And put your phone away at the outset to ensure it doesn’t distract you.
It’s Not You, It’s Me
If you are not an established couple, will your Valentine’s Day date be the beginning of a beautiful relationship? What about the aftermath of the date?
Ghosting, disappearing from somebody’s life by ceasing all contact and ignoring their attempts to contact you, is particularly common in fledgling romances, and has been boosted by the casual anonymity of dating apps.
If you don’t wish to see somebody again, simply tell them so, as kindly as possible – even if it means resorting to the old “It’s not you, it’s me” cliché. The initial sting of rejection is far preferable to that person having endure weeks of uncertainty over the relationship.
If, on the other hand, you’re anxious to get to know each other better, don’t waste time playing the waiting game and delaying responses so that you do not look needy or desperate – you’ll just look childish. Follow up your date with a warm message of thanks and concrete suggestions for further meetings (no woolly “we must meet again soon” cop-outs).