In days gone by, Christmas was seen as a time for almsgiving and Boxing Day (26 December) is a remnant of this custom. The OED traces the earliest print attribution of the term to 1833, which is four years before Charles Dickens referred to it in The Pickwick Papers. Boxing Day (St Stephen’s Day) became an official bank holiday in England and Wales in 1871 and in Scotland in 1974.

There are two theories about the origin of the term. It has been postulated that it arose from the alms boxes that were placed in churches during the Advent season to collect contributions from parishioners for the needy and destitute. Another theory is that Boxing Day derives its name from the ‘Christmas boxes’ that upper class households distributed to their staff, which were filled with money, small gifts and Christmas leftovers and rewarded them for their service throughout the year.

Nowadays Boxing Day is seen essentially as a time to recover from Christmas excess, watch sport on television and possibly indulge in a visit to the Boxing Day Sales. The custom of shops throwing open their doors on Boxing Day emerged in the 1990s when Sunday trading laws were liberalised. A frenzy of retail therapy and self-indulgence seems a far cry from the charitable origins of this bank holiday.

Nonetheless, Christmas is still seen as a time of year when charity should be uppermost in people’s minds, and the traditional practice of Boxing Day giving has now been extended to the weeks running up to Christmas.

In addition to making Christmas donations to favourite charities, it is customary at this time of year to offer thanks for services rendered over the past twelve months. In the days when each household was serviced by a regular postman, milkman, rubbish collector, grocer, and so on, it was traditional to give each person a generous Christmas tip. These days the situation has changed: many of us do not have regular postal deliveries, we encounter dozens of different couriers over the course of year, our contacts with rubbish collectors are perfunctory and we buy milk from the supermarket.

However, for those of us who do employ people on a regular basis, for example cleaners, babysitters, gardeners, now is the time to put our hands in our pockets and reward them for services rendered. When handing out tips face to face, eliminate the awkwardness of proffering cash and simply put a note or two in an envelope with a Christmas card, and write a note of heartfelt thanks.

Christmas Thank you Recommendations

Nannies/Au pairs: These invaluable employees are almost part of our family and are entrusted with our precious children. They certainly deserve a reward at Christmas and should not be fobbed off with cheap and tacky presents.

Give your nanny or au pair the equivalent of a week’s wages at Christmas. Also give them a present, perhaps saying it’s ‘from the children’.

Babysitters: If you have a regular babysitter who you use throughout the year, it’s a good idea to give him/her a cash gift at Christmas. The amount would depend on the regularity with which you use them and the amount you pay – an extra £20 would be generous.

Cleaners: Another invaluable helper throughout the year, your cleaner deserves a proper Christmas bonus – at least a week’s extra wages would be appropriate. You might also like to give them a small gift (plant, bottle of wine, scented candle, soap, chocolates).

Gardeners: If you employ a gardener/handyman regularly throughout the year, then treat them in the same way as you would a regular cleaner. If they help on a seasonal basis (ie the summer months) you should not feel obligated to reward them at Christmas.

Milkman: If you do still receive milk deliveries (and all the other items that are delivered with your milk these days), it is customary to tip the milkman during the Christmas season – a tenner wrapped up in a note saying “thanks and happy Christmas” will make an adequate gift when he collects the empties.

Postman: If you’re lucky enough to have a regular postie you might feel moved to reward him/her, especially if delivering to your house involves negotiating a long drive, an uphill climb, aggressive dog etc. A £10 tip would be generous.

Your Children’s Teacher: There was a time when parents of children at infant and junior school bought their class teacher a Christmas card and a small gift (e.g. bottle of wine, soap, box of chocolates, house plant).  Nowadays, these gifts for class teachers and teaching assistants are usually organised on the class WhatsApp group and given by the whole class, so that the teachers and TAs don’t find themselves inundated with thirty mugs/plants/or boxes of chocolates. Parents usually contribute £5-10 each, depending on how many TAs there are.

The Christmas season is approaching and, while many of us are looking forward to it with feelings of positive anticipation, there are a substantial number of people who dread the festivities and would dearly love to opt out. Grumpily setting your face against Christmas and refusing to participate at all, will inevitably earn you the ‘Christmas Scrooge’ moniker, with all the negative connotations that carries. But are there ways in which the Christmas agnostic can avoid being condemned as a Scrooge and still distance themselves from the whole carnival?

Christmas Compromises

In the run-up to Christmas, you will find that calls for seasonal bonhomie are inevitable, especially if you work in an office. Approaching the entire Christmas season with gloom and trepidation is not an option if you have colleagues who love the whole extravaganza. It really is best to accept this fact with good grace and see the seasonal shenanigans as a team-building exercise. While you may choose to opt out of the present-giving, Christmas Day-feasting fandango, it is the least you can do to wear a Christmas jumper with good grace, plaster a jolly smile on your face, and enthusiastically accept offerings of mince pies, mulled wine and Christmas crackers in the run-up to the big day. It’s just about demonstrating esprit de corps and it will be a black mark against you if you cast a cloud of Scrooge-like cantankerousness around the office.

Even if you don’t want to join your family or friends for Christmas Day celebrations, acknowledge that it is a sociable time of year and accept invitations for social events that are taking place around Christmas time. People who are worried about you and your obvious discomfort at this time of year will have their anxieties somewhat assuaged if you make the odd convivial appearance. They will also be less likely to hound you and persuade you to participate.

Ring the Changes

If you want to withdraw from Christmas, think about alternatives. You don’t have to disappear from the social scene entirely and you might find that it is possible to instigate a new tradition that is popular and novel.

You could follow the lead of our pagan ancestors and celebrate the winter solstice. The shortest day of the year is a great time for a midwinter celebration, and you can make it entirely your own: you could have a bonfire, fireworks, a dinner which celebrates winter ingredients (eg roasted parsnips or Jerusalem artichokes, fresh figs, quinces etc). Or you could eschew Christmas Day, but invite your friends and family around for a delicious meal on Boxing Day and offer them a fishy alternative to all the Christmas meats, for example a whole cooked salmon. You might soon find that your alternative invitations have become part of your friends’ social calendar and have become an institution.

Alternatively, you could take a look at Christmas Day itself and try and identify the reasons why you do not like it. Is it the heavy food? The orgy of present giving? The people you customarily spend it with? There are no rules and regulations about how Christmas should be spent, and customs evolve and change. You could spend Christmas with friends rather than family, ban present giving, go for a vigorous country walk, eat a delicious curry. Nothing is fixed and it’s down to you to find ways of getting the most out of this time of year.

Check Out

For some people, the advice given above will simply not be persuasive. They may have profoundly good reasons for their dislike of Christmas: it might be associated with loss, bereavement and family tragedy. Or they may simply consider that it is a time of year that emphasises feelings of loneliness and depression. The relentless diet of Christmas adverts and seasonal tv programmes can overwhelm us with a confected, saccharin version of Christmas that makes many people feel dissatisfied and inadequate.

For some people, the best solution is to withdraw completely. They might prefer to spend the day on their own at home, indulging in their favourite food and binge-watching escapist television, blissfully removed from all the expectations, disasters, disappointments and dramas that they have come to dread.

Clear Communication

Whatever the choice of the Christmas nay-sayer it is vital to communicate it clearly to friends and family. Many people will choose to interpret a withdrawal from seasonal celebrations as a cry for help, an indication that the person in question has not been adequately encouraged to participate, and they will renew their invitations and refuse to take no for an answer. This is much more likely to happen if the decision not to take part is conveyed in conversation: people hear what they want to hear and are often unwilling to listen to what is really being said. It is therefore sensible, well before the Christmas season, to write a note or email to the importunate host, clearly outlining and explaining the reasons for your decision not to join in the festivities.

If you are attempting to explain your case of the Christmas blues, never justify yourself by offering a critique. A long spiel about wastefulness, kitsch, greed, eco-irresponsibility and guilt-tripping is just going to cause needless discomfort and distress to potential hosts. You must take responsibility for your own decision, and make it about your own shortcomings or predilections, not everybody else’s.

Christmas cheerleaders who love this time of year and cannot conceive of anyone not sharing their point of view, beware. While it is always a good idea to extend invitations to everyone you would like to attend, including well-known Scrooges, it is also vital to accept refusals, and to respect the individual’s choice. Endless nagging and attempts to persuade them to change their minds will only confirm their already jaded view of the season.

The main thing is to demonstrate that the Scrooge has not been forgotten: it is one thing to decide to opt out of Christmas when you are the possessor of a Christmas invitation; it is another thing to be bereft of seasonal invitations and to have little choice but to spend Christmas on your own. In these circumstances, many people will present their decision as a rejection of the whole Christmas palaver, whereas the truth might be that they really have no alternative.

If All Else Fails...

If you are a Christmas Scrooge but have been subjected to persuasion and social pressure and feel that you have been railroaded into joining a Christmas celebration, you must accept that it is your social responsibility to join in with good grace. That means bringing gifts and good cheer, remaining positive throughout the day, and being prepared to fit in with the hosts’ agenda, whatever it may be. Once you have been persuaded to attend, you must put all grumpiness behind you. And keep reminding yourself: it’s just one day out of 365.

An estimated 8.32 billion emails are sent every day in the UK and it is scarcely surprising that as this mode of communication has become ever more widely used, a myriad ways of opening and closing emails have developed. The strict rules of letter-writing etiquette do not really apply to emails, but nevertheless it is sensible to follow these guidelines to ensure that you don’t cause offence or insult your recipients because you are over-familiar or over-formal:

Salutations

Old School

These salutations are direct descendants from traditional letter-writing practice. The email is opened with ‘Dear’ followed by the name, and it is up to the writer to decide the level of punctiliousness required. It is increasingly common, even in the professional and business worlds, to use the forename if the recipient is known to you. If the email relates to a formal business transaction with, for example, a solicitor, accountant or insurance broker, you might feel that the occasion demands the more old-fashioned use of ‘Mr, Mrs, Miss or Ms’.

Where the name of the recipient is unknown and you are writing a business email, it is quite appropriate to default to the old-fashioned ‘Dear Sir or Madam’, although ideally you would try and find out the name before writing.

If in doubt, revert to traditional convention, and if you are in receipt of a formal email echo the salutation. If you feel the use of the surname is ridiculously stiff, you can always opt for the ‘Dear John (if I may)’ formulation.

‘Dear’ is by far the most common salutation; most people use it for business and social communications, but there are a growing number of other greetings that are being deployed to convey relaxed informality, friendliness, inclusivity.

Laid-back

The use of ‘Hi’ or ‘Hello’ followed by the forename is growing in popularity and is used amongst friends and, increasingly, business colleagues. In the latter context it is fine for day-to-day communications, but it would seem a bit incongruous if your email was about something serious or important, eg a request for a pay rise, a notification of redundancy, a customer complaint. You have to accept that ‘Hi’ sounds familiar and breezy, and only use it in circumstances where this is what you want to convey.

‘Hi’ is gradually mutating to ‘Hey’ in some circles. This is clearly intended to sound cool, which is fine amongst friends, but often not ideal in other professional contexts. Starting an email with ‘Hey there!’ implies that you do not actually know the name of the recipient but you think you’ll get away with it by sounding easy-going.

Generic

Some people are trying to avoid the whole salutation dilemma by coming up with generic openers (no names included), such as ‘Greetings’. While this sounds perfectly friendly, it seems to indicate that the writer does not know the name of the recipient or is sending the email to an extensive list of names. This depersonalisation inevitably makes the email feel like a circular or piece of marketing material.

Abrupt

People who want to look busy and important often strip down the salutation. They might just use ‘Hi’ with no name to follow; alternatively, they might just preface the email with a forename and no salutation, or even dispense with the salutation altogether. In all these cases, the effect is to sound rude and peremptory.

Signoffs

Old School

If you are writing a formal business email, which is effectively a digital version of a traditional letter, then you should follow well-established etiquette practice. A salutation of ‘Dear Sir’ is matched with ‘yours faithfully’ and a salutation of ‘Dear Mr Rivers/Ms Emerson’ is matched with ‘yours sincerely’. It should be noted that this is at the most formal and decorous end of the spectrum for email formatting and nowadays would tend to be used for official business.

As with greetings, the safest bet is to match the tone and formality of emails you have received – becoming informal too quickly might seem overly casual. If you are initiating a correspondence with a business contact and you have never met, it would probably be safest to default to these more formal sign-offs, especially if the person you are writing to is more senior.

All Good Wishes

Most of us use signoffs that fall into this category, which ends the email on a warm and positive note. At the formal end of the spectrum are signoffs that use the word ‘regards’. The OED cites the first use of the phrase ‘kind regards’ to 1810, by the poet Robert Southey, although the etymology of the word ‘regards’ (from the French,, regarder) dates back to the mid 14th century when it was used to mean a ‘consideration’ or ‘judgement’. This long-established valediction is quite ceremonious. If you ask someone to ‘send my regards’, it is a considerably more formal request than ‘send my love’. So the email signoff is somewhat mitigated by the use of words like ‘kind’, ‘best’ or ‘warmest’.

A more casual version of this kind of signoff is ‘best wishes’, which is bland and neutral and not likely to cause offence.

With Gratitude

Emails can be rather blunt and unadorned, so it is not surprising that some people choose to soften this edge by choosing grateful sounding signoffs. Inevitably, these are only applicable if the email exchange has involved a request or acknowledgement of a favour. It might be diplomatic, if you’re asking someone to do you a favour, to sign off with a ‘Many thanks’.

Reserve these signoffs for situations where a successful transaction is sought or has taken place; signing off with ‘many thanks’ when you are, for example, nagging someone will come across as passive-aggressive, eg “Have you had time to finish that report I requested last week? Many thanks….”  ‘With gratitude’ is at the most grateful end of the spectrum and should only be used if you’re feeling genuinely effusive, otherwise it sounds creepily beholden.

Too Busy to Bother

Abbreviated signoffs like KR and BW are passive-aggressive. Is it really too much effort to write out ‘Kind regards’ or ‘Best wishes’? By abbreviating these short phrases, you are indicating that you are too busy or important to bother with the mundane business of signing off your email politely.

Not signing off at all is just rude, unless you know your correspondent really well – you are reverting to a texting style (with no salutation or sign-off), whereas an email should be treated as a quasi-letter.

Super-Informal

Breezy or affectionate signoffs like ‘Cheers’, ‘Have a good weekend!’, ‘Byee!’, ‘love’ are friendly and cheerful and are certainly fine for close colleagues or friends. Most people will respond positively to an informal sign-off, the only risk of using them is if you are communicating professionally with someone who is senior to you. Be careful about using them in professional email threads, especially if the correspondence is being reviewed by a manager, who may frown upon your informality, or find it a little presumptuous. ‘Cheers’ is upbeat and casual, and as such would sound somewhat cloth-eared if you were writing an email that conveyed bad news. Only use this signoff if you want to sound positive and friendly.

If you’re really close to someone, you might dispense with signoffs altogether, just adding your name or even your initial. Signing off with a kiss (x) is fine in certain contexts and with certain people, but it is not the norm in office communications, and it is probably best to think twice if you’re a compulsive email kisser. Not signing off at all turns the email into a text format and looks troublingly abrupt.

It’s the time of year for office parties, which for many of us can turn into etiquette minefields. When ‘end of term’ high spirits and alcohol are mingled with suppressed workplace resentments, grievances and office crushes, it can lead to regrettable incidents that cast a long shadow. For many of us, offices are an important part of our everyday lives, and it is therefore imperative that you don’t let Christmas disinhibition blot your copybook or alienate your colleagues.

The office party has also been somewhat transformed by the rise of hybrid working. Many of us spend substantial parts of our working weeks at home and are becoming unused to day-to-day socialising with colleagues. This fracturing of office social life makes it all the more important that teams are brought together from time to time in a non-working context and Christmas offers an excellent excuse. But because we are unused to seeing each other regularly, these events become more highly charged and we are often more hectic and high-spirited than we might have been in the days of mundane, everyday interactions.

Considerations for Managers

1. It is important that your corporate hospitality looks generous, and nobody will appreciate an invitation to an event that makes various stipulations about paying bars or restrictions on drink. If you are struggling with a tight entertainment budget this year, think about ways in which you can save money without appearing tight-fisted, for example by selecting a more modest venue, or specifying a shorter time span (eg 6-9pm rather than 6-midnight). Being obviously stingy with drinks and food will cause simmering resentment amongst your workforce.|

2. Be meticulous about invitations, and make sure that everyone who has any role on your team (even people who are freelance or work entirely outside the office) is invited. Try to send out invitations with a reasonable amount of notice, and make sure that they are clearly worded: date, time, venue, nature of the event (drinks, drink and supper, etc), dress code (if applicable).

3. As a manager, you are essentially a host, so act like one. When you’re at the party, make sure you mingle and exchange a few words with all the employees invited. Now is not the time to sequester yourself away with other company leaders; Christmas parties are the perfect time to break the ice and get to know your staff.

4. Keep it affable and don’t talk shop. While it’s fine to exchange a few positive remarks with your employees, along the lines of “we’ve had a great year, and thank you very much for everything you’ve done”, now is not the time to start talking about upcoming meetings, new year sales strategies or targets.

Dos and Don'ts for Employees

DO

•Attend

We all know that office parties come at a very busy time of year, and may well clash with other social arrangements, but it is a really good idea to prioritise them. It’s all part of the workplace esprit de corps, and if you’re a no-show your colleagues might take it amiss (unless you have a very good excuse) and feel that you’re very obviously indicating that you have better things to do. They will feel disregarded and downgraded, and you may well find that a single social lapse has a negative impact on your workplace relationships.

•Attend willingly

Bearing in mind the above, it is a really bad idea to grudgingly attend an office party, while telling everybody about the social engagements you’ve had to miss to do so. This will not only make your colleagues feel like the second-best option, your social grandstanding will antagonise them  – nobody likes people who boast about their packed social diary and (infinitely more) glamorous invitations.

•Eat beforehand

Often office parties start straight after work and that means that you’re likely to have a few drinks before any food is offered (and often the food offerings are insubstantial). If you haven’t had a decent lunch, you’ll be drinking on an empty stomach, with all the risks that entails. Of course, you’ll want to have an enjoyable time, but remember intoxication and office hierarchies don’t really mix, and the more disinhibited you become, the more likely you are to put your foot in it or say something career-endangering or embarrassingly indiscreet.

•Think carefully about dress

This is often not an issue, as people turn up at office parties in work dress. But if your party is an evening affair and the expectation is that you’ll dress up for it, think carefully. You’ll want to show that you’ve made an effort to look good, but pulling out all the stops and wowing your team members with an extravagantly glamorous or provocatively revealing showstopper might not be the best policy and you may well be outdoing your colleagues and making them feel uncomfortable. Save that outfit for partying with friends and play it safe.

•Try and talk to as many people as possible

It’s really not a good look to spend the evening in a huddle with your best office friends, not deigning to talk to colleagues you might not know as well. The party is a good opportunity to put names to faces and meet people from different parts of the company. You’re all in the same boat, so it’s easy to march up to people you don’t know and introduce yourself and, if you do so, it will be noted and approved. If you spot any social wallflowers, or colleagues that you know are shy, do them a favour and include them in conversations and introductions.

•Drink moderately and know when to leave

Control your drinking by alternating water and alcoholic drinks. If you know you’re likely to get carried away and drink too much, it’s a good idea to ask a friend to keep an eye on you and drag you away when you’re straying into dangerous territory. In general, aim to leave before the very end of the party – if you’re still draining the last dregs in your glass while people are clearing up and locking the doors, you have definitely outstayed your welcome.

DON’T

•Resist posting on social media

It might be acceptable to take a group photo at the beginning of proceedings and post it, but the best policy is to put your phone away and forget about social media for the duration of the party. If you spend your whole evening posting tawdry images of the event on social media you won’t be making yourself very popular – most images of parties look sleazy and disreputable. And there’s a real risk that you might capture some indiscreet behaviour and broadcast it to all and sundry. Whatever you do, don’t tag the company’s official account.

•Beware buttonholing your boss

If you are intoxicated enough, you might misread the general air of bonhomie at the party as a golden opportunity to corner your boss and drunkenly ask for a pay rise, or a chance to air your views on company policy, working hours, team dynamics and so on. You will regret this misapprehension the following day.

•Avoid turning into a party cheerleader

Don’t force other people to drink. There is nothing criminal or sinister about those who believe they can have a good time on sparkling mineral water, and you should certainly leave them to their own devices.

•Never make a clumsy pass at your secret crush

If there are any possibilities of an office romance, you need to explore them somewhere else away from everybody’s gaze. The office party might well serve as an icebreaker, but your behaviour is being closely observed and will provide endless fodder for office gossips.

•Never take sick leave the following day

If you are expected to work in the office on the day after the party, do your utmost to comply, no matter how desperately ill and hungover you’re feeling. Everyone knows why you are calling in sick and your feeble lies will be a black mark against you, no matter how convivial or entertaining you were the night before.

The Aftermath

The morning after an office social debacle can be an excruciating affair. The dimly remembered indiscretions of the night before are the water-cooler and coffee-machine gossip-fodder of the morning after. Walking into an office after a unfortunate social performance takes reserves of insouciance and chutzpah that many of us simply don’t possess.

So, remember the limitations of office life. Save your wildest, most uninhibited behaviour for you friends, and ration your intake of the demon drink at the work social. You may come across as demure and self-contained, but at least you’ll be able to hold your head up the following morning.

If indiscretions have occurred, what are you going to do about it? The average office party sin (straightforward drunkenness) may be best left without apology – your misdeeds may well be forgotten in the mists of alcoholic amnesia. But if you badly overstepped the mark, then it’s time to take a deep breath and humble yourself. Make sure of your facts (by making discreet enquiries of a trusted friend) before embarking on the process of apologising. You should know for certain what you did wrong, and to whom you should apologise.

The British are prolific Christmas card senders. Even in the face of steeply rising postal costs, the Royal Mail estimates that it handles 150 million cards a year and each British adult receives an average of 17 cards per year. Most surprisingly of all, there are reports that Christmas card purchases are rising in the 18-30 age group, a sign perhaps that a generation that has grown up with a battery of instant communication methods at their fingertips has come to value the old-fashioned pleasures of the traditional card.

Here's our four-point guide to Christmas cards:

Choosing your Cards

There is evidence that some retailers are seeing a rise in single card purchases, indicating that consumers might be making discriminating choices about their cards, rather than opting for big variety boxes.

There is also evidence that many people are choosing to make their own cards, complete with stick-on glitter and home-printed imagery. Just remember that, with the possible exception of senior politicians and the royal family, sending out a photograph of your fabulous family is not the ideal Christmas greeting. It smacks of self-satisfaction and self-promotion, and these are not emotions that you should be disseminating during the festive season.

Buying Christmas cards that support a charitable cause is a venerable tradition, and it is estimated that Christmas card purchases raise an impressive £50 million per year.

Finally, think carefully about the imagery. If you’re sending out cards to a cross-generational mix of friends and relatives, you might have to consider carefully before sending out cards with rude jokes, saucy images or obscene greetings. You might have to consider buying different sets of cards for different groups of recipients. If you’re highly secular, religious images might seem incongruous – recipients who know you well will be puzzled by your appropriation of religious imagery.  Take care when sending cards to those of other faiths: to this end ‘Season’s Greetings’ may be more appropriate than ‘Merry Christmas’.

If you care about recycling or you’re sending your card to someone who is very eco-conscious, avoid choosing a foil or glitter design. Choose a gloss or matte finish card instead, as these can be recycled.

Addressing your Cards

The days when we all had over-stuffed address books, which were a palimpsest of our social history, full of crossed-out and new addresses for our oldest friends, are long gone. Many people no longer keep a record of their friends’ addresses (no longer necessary when everyone can be contacted by text, email or social media) and the Christmas season involves a mad scramble as would-be card-senders struggle to find current addresses, postcodes etc.

Learn from experience and find a way of recording addresses. This might well be a spreadsheet that you keep on your laptop rather than an old-fashioned address book, but just remind yourself how useful this level of organisation can be.

Writing your Cards

Christmas cards are a great way of keeping in touch with old friends, but you should use them as a simple aide memoire rather than the vehicle for an epic recounting of all your last year’s triumphs and travails. It is not practical to write extensive messages in every card you write, and your prosy greetings will get lost amongst all the other incoming Christmas communications.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can circumvent the onerousness of writing repeated long messages by sending a reproduced ‘round robin’ newsletters. Because these rambling accounts of your family’s doings are aimed at a wider audience, with no element of personalisation, they tend to become boastful, heedless monologues, which can be off-putting rather than engaging.

Keep your message short and sweet. It’s fine just to sign your name/s, or you can add a simple message of the “I hope you have a great Christmas and am very much looking forward to seeing you early in the new year’ variety.

Tailor your message to your recipient. If you’re sending a card to your manager, a neighbour or your child’s teacher, it’s not appropriate to sign it with ‘love’ and xxxx. Revert to the more formal ‘with best wishes’ type greeting. For semi-formal cards, sign with your forename and surname, for example ‘John and Jane Debrett’, rather than ‘Mr and Mrs Debrett’.

Handwrite your message and, if possible your envelope, in ink. Even for those who do not recognise your writing, handwriting makes it look like you have made an effort. People who are close to you will be familiar with your handwriting and – without opening the envelope – will feel a pleasurable pulse of anticipation and recognition.

Sending your Cards

Christmas cards are traditionally sent in envelopes with diagonal flaps. Always use stamps on Christmas cards – never put cards through your office franking machine. Keep an eye on last posting dates and make sure to get them in the mail on time – Christmas cards on the mat in the dog days between Christmas and new year are a somewhat depressing sight. Remember, it is fine to hand-deliver cards around your neighbourhood but, if possible, put them through the letterbox as it slightly undermines the gesture if you are physically handing over a Christmas card.

Rest assured, recipients will be delighted by the effort that has gone into writing and sending (or delivering) their card. They will recognise that you have had to purchase cards and stamps, find their address, handwrite a personal message and walk down to the postbox to mail the card. This represents so much more investment than merely sending an e-card, or texting a quick Christmas message, even if it is embellished by seasonal emojis. It would appear that the number of people who continue to send Christmas cards would agree that all that effort is worthwhile.

If you’re sending out invitations to a formal event this festive season you will be keen to get your forms of address right and to ensure that your invitations do not look slapdash or careless.

Many of us will be attending office parties this Christmas and will be enjoying a casual get-together with no anxieties about formal address and invitation styles. But Christmas is also a time of year when many companies and institutions host formal events and, if that is the case, invitations should follow these guidelines, which are also applicable to more formal social events:

Invitations

•Invitations to official events are usually issued on a card, which may be engraved or flat-printed in script or Roman type. The invitation should make clear the nature of the event, the date and location, the dress code (if applicable), the time of the event and, if desired, the time it will end.

•The name/s of the guest/s are handwritten on the invitation, in the top left-hand corner, or in the allocated place in the centre of the card. On the invitation, guests’ names and titles are given in full (eg Mr and Mrs Hugh Berkeley, Lady Hermione Cork, The Earl and Countess of Tolworth), but postnominal letters are not included.

Envelopes

•On the envelope, on the other hand, guests are accorded their full professional title as well as postnominals (orders and decorations). While it was traditional for invitations to social events to be sent to the wife only, it is now customary for the envelope to be addressed in full to the couple.

•On envelopes, invitations to official events name the guest by his/her office (eg ‘The Prime Minister’) and/or name. This means his or her full title, rank etc, followed by his/her decorations etc. Prefixes such as ‘His Grace’, ‘His Excellency’ and ‘The Right Worshipful’ are, however, omitted, with the exception of ‘The Rt Hon’, which is included for a privy counsellor.

Joint Forms of Address

•Joint forms of address often pose challenges. The examples below offer some guidance:

The Rt Hon the Prime Minister and Mrs Downing or Mr Whitehall

The Duke and Duchess of Mayfair

The Lord and Lady Mayoress of London

The President of the Royal Academy, Sir John Burlington, KBE, and Lady Burlington

Mr Donald and Dame Helen Bond

Sir Eric and Lady Beaumont

The Master of the Worshipful Company of Haberdashers and Mrs Eileen Green

The Bishop of London and Mr Peter Worthington

The Earl of Aldford, OBE, MC and the Countess of Aldford

Dr James and Mrs Florence Curzon

Mr Richard and Dr Emily Mountjoy

Dr Sarah and Mr Richard Mountjoy*

Lt-Colonel John and Mrs Rebecca Mount

Mr Peter and Group Captain Helen Bruton

Brigadier James and Major Susan Stratton

Professor Walter and Mrs Rosemary Wilkinson

Mr George and Professor Catherine Fitzwilliam

Professor Sir Edmund and Professor Dame Alison Greenbury

The Reverend John and Mrs Anna Bolton

Mr Dominic and the Reverend Clarissa Berwick

Mr Henry and Mrs Fiona Hardwick (OR Mr and Mrs Henry Hardwick)**

*While it has been traditional for the man’s name to come first when married couples are invited, these days the woman’s name would come first if she is the prime recipient of the invitation (eg a female clergywoman at a church-related event, or a female academic at a university function).

** It has become increasingly common for married women and widows to use their own forenames and initials, rather than being called, for example, ‘Mrs Andrew Hill’ (even though in the past this was considered incorrect because it indicated that the marriage had been dissolved). If in doubt, check with the woman in question to avoid offence.

•Invitations to non-married pairs of guests take these forms:

Brother and sister – Mr John Edwards and Miss/Ms Louisa Edwards

Mother and son – Mrs George Chesterfield and Mr William Chesterfield (note that invitations to adult offspring are usually sent separately from those to their parents)

Unmarried couple – Mr Richard Maddox and Miss/Ms Elsa Curzon***

***In business, ‘Ms’ is often used as a convenient female equivalent of ‘Mr’. It is, however, always advisable to find out if someone prefers to be styled as ‘Miss’, ‘Mrs’ or ‘Ms’. Many women also prefer to be styled ‘Ms’ in social situations.

As we enter the party season, we’ve decided to take a look at stylish aperitifs and digestifs, which will bookend your festive meals. A good host should be able to offer a selection of drinks before and after dinner and there are a few traditional choices that are always a good idea to keep in stock.

While much of the time we are contented to drink wine all evening when we are eating with friends, it is undoubtedly the case that offering a range of aperitifs and digestifs will enhance your hosting credentials. Your savoir faire will be applauded and the evening will be that little bit more memorable. This will certainly be the case if you serve these drinks in the correctly shaped glasses, with all the recommended trimmings.

Aperitifs

This is a pre-meal drink that stimulates the appetite and the palate. While a common choice is a glass of chilled white wine, sparkling wine or champagne, you can also offer chilled dry sherry, vermouth and Campari, a classic gin and tonic, or – more ambitiously – cocktails. If you venture in the world of spirits, remember that you are upping the alcohol content and some guests might be bowled over by your delicious concoctions, so proceed with care. This warning applies above all to the host, as getting intoxicated before the onerous business of serving the meal is a real hosting no-no.

•Sherry

If you keep a bottle of Fino or chilled Manzanilla in the fridge, your guests will find that these young, pale sherries are an excellent accompaniment to salty snacks, canapés or olives. At this time of year, you might want to opt for the richer flavour of Palo Cortado, dry Oloroso or Amontillado, which are delicious when served slightly chilled, and will really enhance savoury, herb-infused winter flavours, such as cocktail sausages or devils on horseback.

Serve in a tapered, stemmed glass that is the perfect shape for the unique flavour and aroma of sherry. Alternatively, use a wine glass with a generous bowl, which allows the aromas to develop.

•A Campari Cocktail

Some people find the bitter, aromatic taste of Campari, an alcoholic liqueur made from an infusion of herbs and fruit in alcohol and water, an acquired taste, but it a sophisticated option, redolent of Mediterranean evenings and Italian panache. It can simply be served with soda, or with prosecco and soda. But a cocktail that is simply made of Campari, vodka and a dash of Angostura bitters truly showcases its unique taste. Simply finish off with ice and sliced lemon.

Serve in a short, heavy tumbler (also referred to as an ‘Old Fashioned glass’ that is typically used for whisky and drinks that are served on the rocks.

•Martini

The classic martini is gin-based and works well because the juniper and aromatics in gin pair well with the herby taste of white vermouth. This fortified wine is blended and infused with different herbs and botanicals – once opened it is recommended you keep it in the fridge to avoid oxidization. If you prefer the blander, smoother taste of vodka, it is quite acceptable to substitute it for the gin.

To make a martini combine 2 parts gin or vodka with 1 part dry vermouth and ice cubes in a mixing receptacle. If you’re going to stir your martini (rather than shaking it in a cocktail shaker), wait 30 seconds, stir with a long bar spoon, then strain the cocktail into a chilled martini glass (simply put it in the freezer beforehand). Finish off by paring a lemon then pinching the back of the lemon peel over the martini (do not put lemon peel in the glass). Garnish with two or three green olives, speared on a cocktail stick.

Serve in an iconic stemmed V-shaped cocktail glass, which allows to be held by the stem, thereby keeping the drink cool, but enhancing the flavours of the cocktail.

Digestifs

These are drinks that are served after a meal, also known as nightcaps, which are traditionally drunk to aid digestion. Digestifs are usually strong and dark-coloured spirits, such as brandy, Cognac and whisky. Fortified wines, such as port or Madeira, are also traditional options, as well as sweet liqueurs.

Hosts beware: once you bring out your range of digestifs you will inevitably be committing to a protracted evening – your guests are likely to be beguiled by your range of delicious offerings and may show a tendency to linger over their drinks. So only go down this route if you are prepared to stay the course, as rationing guests to one drink and fretting about the lateness of the hour is never ideal hosting behaviour.

•Rum

A dark rum, aged for several years, has notes of toffee and spice and is an excellent complex drink for sipping and savouring. For those who find dark rum too challenging, golden rum – often used in cocktails – is also delicious drunk neat after a meal. If you have guests who are not fans of these dark, complex drinks and who have a sweet tooth and favour lighter drinks, you could always in invest in a bottle of spiced rum. This is a rum that has been flavoured with herbs and spices, such as cloves, cinnamon, cassia, vanilla, star anise, citrus fruit, nutmeg, cardamom, orange peel, and ginger, and many people will find it more palatable.

Serve rum in a tulip shaped glass, where the rim is slightly narrower than the bowl, directing the aromas to the nose.

•Whisky

The most prized bottles of Scotch whisky are single malts; these are produced from malted barley at a single distillery in Scotland. There are six recognised regions – Speyside, Lowlands, Highlands, Islay, Campbeltown and Islands – and each has its own distinctive style and character. Whisky should be drunk however you like it best. Adding water to a single malt is no longer frowned upon by the cognoscenti, but adding ice is still thought by many to interfere with the aromas.

If you like your whisky on the rocks, opt for an Old-Fashioned glass (see above). If you want to savour the aromas of neat whisky opt for a ‘Glencairn’ (tulip shaped) glass, which is a heavy-based tumbler with a narrow rim and a wider bowl.

•Cognac

Cognac (French grape brandy) has different grades depending on its age. VS (Very Special) is the youngest, having been stored for a minimum of two years in cask; VSOP (Very Superior Old Pale) is stored for at least four years but is often much older; XO is the oldest it must be stored in cask for a minimum of six years but, on average, is at least 20 years old. Some of the best (and most expensive) Cognac is an XO from a single estate.

Serve Cognac in a brandy balloon or brandy snifter, which is a bulbous glass which, when cradled in the palm, warms the spirit, intensifying the bouquet and enhancing the flavour.

•Herbal Liqueurs

You could also introduce your guests to the sophisticated world of herbal liqueurs. Their foundation is a neutral alcohol such as vodka, which is then sweetened and flavoured with a range of herbs and spices, such as anise, fennel, mint, chamomile, thyme, and various other botanicals. Experiment with some famous examples such as Chartreuse, Fernet, Strega, or Amaro. All these liqueurs should be served neat or on the rocks.

Serve these drinks in an Old-Fashioned glass, if you are serving them on the rocks. If not, choose a small-bowled liqueur glass, designed for elegant sipping.

•Port

Port is a sweet, fortified wine from the Douro region of Portugal; it is traditionally drunk with cheese or after a meal. Bottle-aged port spends little time in a cast, whereas cask-aged ports mature in wooden barrels until they are ready to drink. It is wine to be laid down, as a cask-aged port that spends two years in a barrel will last 20-30 years in a bottle. It is best to drink vintage port.

You can use the same sort of glass for port as you do for sherry, ie a tapered, stemmed glass, which will funnel the aromas up to your nose.

Port Etiquette

If a port decanter is placed on the table, help yourself and then pass it on, always to the left. If the decanter passes you without your glass being filled, never attempt to ask for the decanter, thereby making it change direction. The decanter must return to the host without being put down. The tradition of passing the port originates from naval dinners where there port was passed ‘Port to port’ around the table – ie to the left.

Party season is approaching and, with it, the strong likelihood that you will be receiving an invitation to a social event. Invitations can take on a multiplicity of formats and sometimes interpreting what they are trying to say and deducing what kind of event is being envisaged is a confusing hurdle for the partygoer, while creating an invitation that clearly explains what to expect can be a challenge for the host. We’ve devised a guide for navigating this social maze:

1. What Type of Party is It?

While it is true that social life has become increasingly casual and most socialising is arranged by text or email, when hosts are laying on a special event the first, and most, obvious way of advertising this fact is by sending an invitation rather than using more convenient instant messaging.

The most formal form of invitation is, of course, a printed physical object that is sent by post. For many of us, this is an increasingly rare phenomenon, usually only encountered in the form of wedding invitations. But you can be sure that if your host goes to the trouble of getting an invitation printed and posted, then you are the very privileged recipient of a special social summons.

Nowadays, a more common ploy is to design an invitation and then send it as an email attachment. While it lacks the social clout of stiff card and professional printing, it still would indicate that this is an event with ambitions. The design of the e-invitation is still indicative of the nature of the event (see below) and indicates that a certain amount of planning and organisation has gone into arranging it.

Whether your invitation is hard copy or digital, try and ensure that the appearance of it matches the event you are planning. Guests will interpret Copperplate type or an elegant, classic typeface such as Trajan, Garamond or Baskerville as indicative of a formal, sophisticated occasion. At the other end of the spectrum, a modern sans serif such as Helvetica, Gill, Univers or Avenir will signal a much sleeker and more contemporary feel. There are, of course, any number of typefaces in between, which can be used to convey zany eccentricity or humour or can evoke a distinctive era such as the 1960s or 1970s.

If your invitation is to celebrate a specific event, such as a birthday or anniversary, make this explicit – guests will not thank you if they turn up at a birthday party, for example, ignorant and empty-handed. Adding the words “to celebrate….” After the “You are invited to a party” line should iron out any confusion.

A text message or email note of invitation is convenient and direct but, above all, it indicates that the event is an impromptu, spur of the moment affair, which has not required much forethought. As such, it would be a real faux pas to mix messaging media and, for example, indicate a black-tie dress code on an invitation sent by text. Your guests might suspect you of social pretensions, coupled with cheapskate tendencies.

2. What Should I Wear?

The very first question that most guests will want answering is “what is the dress code?” If they are in receipt of a casual invitation to a familiar event (for example a group of friends who take it in turns to host dinner), then they will know full well what to expect and there will be no confusion about the level of formality involved.

On the other hand, it is always useful to provide a dress code when you’re inviting a larger number of guests, many of whom may not be familiar with your entertaining style. If you do not specify a dress code most guests will assume that your drinks party is fairly informal and will default to smart casual clothing. This might cause them some anxiety (which of course you want to avoid) and they may be unsure that they have got the dress code right, which is not a good start to your party.

For ‘Smart casual’ there are several options: men can wear lounge suits, with or without a tie (which can always be removed if it feels too formal), or jackets and tailored trousers, shirts with collars. Avoid jeans, t-shirts and trainers. Women can opt for elegant dresses or trouser and jacket combinations, but should avoid full-length, sequinned evening gowns, which will definitely be over the top. They can always dress up their outfit with heels, a glittery evening bag, jewellery. It is always considered best to err on the side of being over-dressed as it least it shows that you have made an effort. Turning up at a smart party in jeans and a sweatshirt is a blunder, and it is very hard to remedy the situation when you are under- rather than over-dressed.

Generally, if old-fashioned terms, such as ‘black tie’ are used, adherence to the code is expected. It is increasingly common to use more generic terms such as ‘cocktail attire’, ‘smart frocks’ or ‘party dress’. These codes explicitly release guests, especially men, from rigid strictures. They can discard dinner jackets and bow ties if they choose and opt for smart lounge suits, velvet jackets, Nehru collars and so on. Women can choose whatever dress or trouser combination they feel will make them look chic and glamorous.

Another way of indicating that traditional strictures are being relaxed is ‘creative black tie’. A man might be able to take the basic building blocks of black tie and introduce some variations (eg a normal black tie instead of a bow tie), the addition of a glamorous waistcoat, or possibly a velvet smoking jacket instead of the standard black dinner jacket.

Hosts who indulge in more inventive flights of fancy, whose gnomic or provocative dress codes recommendations throw their guests into disarray, should not be surprised if the whole dress code question is a contentious point. As a guest you may have to be something of a mind-reader to conjure the associations your host has in their head when they use terms like ‘furs and candlelight’, ‘Gatsby glamour’ or ‘cosy opulence’. These codes are evoking an elusive ambience and as a guest you will have to find some mundane details – a fur stole, fur-trimmed evening gloves, feather boa, cashmere wrap – that chime with the general idea. Hosts should think carefully before setting guests this kind of challenge.

If you issue your invitations and are met by a flurry of anxious texts from your guests seeking dress guidance, then you can be sure you have not got the dress code guidance right. If you are the disconcerted guest, consider talking to a fellow partygoer and getting an idea of what they are planning to wear before you fly into a blind panic and contact your host.

3. What are the Timings?

It is considerate to indicate the anticipated time span of your party to your guests. It is quite common, in the case of drinks parties, for this to be relatively short. Adding, for example, ‘6pm–8pm’ to your invitation is helpful: it indicates that the party is only two hours, therefore guests will need to arrive promptly. It also tells your guests that you have an end time in view – while the party might overrun slightly, it is clear that it is an early evening affair and the expectation is that guests will move on for dinner.

Timings for more ambitious parties, which are anticipated to occupy the whole evening, can also be clarified. One option is to add an end time (eg ‘8pm–midnight’). If you are much more relaxed about the length of your party, you can indicate this (eg ‘8pm until late’). If you are sending a formal, traditional invitation you might want to use the old-fashioned formulation: ‘Carriages at midnight’.

4. Where is the Venue?

Often the address to which guests should RSVP and the venue of the party are different, so it is very important to design the invitation so that the venue is centre-stage (along with the date). Unless the venue is famous (eg a well-known hotel or club), it is always useful to add a full postcode: guests can input it into their phone maps, or key it into their Satnav, and it will make finding it much easier.

5. Will There be Food?

This is a vexed question for many guests, who receive invitations and are unsure what kind of food will be provided and whether they should eat beforehand or arrange to go out for dinner afterwards.

It is safe to assume that an early evening party is essentially a drinks party. Hosts can hammer this message home by adding ‘Drinks and canapés’, but even if it isn’t explicitly added, guests can probably assume that some kind of light food will be provided.

If a party takes up the whole of the evening, however, it is important to apprise guests of the catering arrangements. The simplest option (traditionally in the bottom right-hand corner of the invitation, with the RSVP details in the bottom left) is to list a ‘mini timetable, eg:

Drinks 8pm
Supper 9.30pm
Dancing 11pm-1am

Or

Dinner & Dancing 8pm for 8.30pm

Or

Drinks 8pm; Buffet supper 9.30pm

Guests will know what to expect and can plan accordingly. If you do not mention that you are offering a substantial food element, guests may assume that only canapés will be provided throughout the evening and may choose to eat before the party.

6. Do I Need to Reply?

All invitations require a prompt reply, whether it is an acceptance or refusal. However, many guests are remiss about fulfilling this obligation, so it is important to include a prominent RSVP (with an email address to make it easier for guests) on invitations.

Guests should reply as soon as possible and adhere to their response – changing your mind at the last moment is just rude. Take a moment to imagine the travails of your host and recognise that juggling guest numbers is always onerous, so it behoves you to be as prompt and decisive as possible.

7. Can I Bring Someone?

The prospect of being overwhelmed by unwanted guests causes many hosts anxiety, and the best way to guard against this is to address invitation cards personally. On a traditional printed invitation, the convention is that the name of the guest/s is handwritten at the top left. If you are sending out digital invitations, you might consider personalising each invitation with your guest’s name. Either way, naming your guest/s, whether it is an individual or a couple, gives a clear indication that the invitation only applies to them. If, on the other hand, you are more than happy to welcome extra guests, then this should be explicitly stated, by adding ‘plus one’ or ‘and guest’; if possible, you should try and find out the name of any potential extra guests and add them to the invitation.

As a guest, you should respect these naming conventions and resist the temptation of bombarding your host with requests to bring extra people. If you feel you cannot avoid bringing an extra guest (eg if they’re staying with you for the weekend of the party), then you should write to your hosts beforehand, explain and seek permission.

The British pub is a world-famous institution, and one that has its own unique rules of etiquette and behaviour. As any visitor to the British Isles will soon discover, there is an extraordinary range of pubs from sleepy rural retreats to vibrant town centre student hangouts to glamourous palaces of carved wood and stained glass. Some pubs are for drinkers only and pride themselves on their range of locally brewed ales, while others offer anything from simply cooked English classics to lavish gastronomic specialities. Some pubs are quiet and conversational, others are rowdy, and many are hosts to live music or other entertainment.

But there is one overriding rule: whatever the nature of the pub, you must assess and respect the atmosphere. If other drinkers are sitting alone or quietly chatting in small groups, don’t ruin the mood with loud conversations or raucous games of pool or darts. Likewise, if you are in a busy town centre pub after work on a Friday there’s no point complaining about the boisterous group of office workers at the table next to you.

Buying Drinks

Pubs do not offer table service, so you will have to go to the bar and procure your own drink. In a quiet pub this is not a problem, but when pubs are crowded, customers mass around the bar and try to get the attention of the bartender. Although it really does not look like it, a kind of queuing system is in place; everyone is loosely aware of who is in front of them and who has come after them and a competent bar tender will also be keeping an eye on the seemingly anarchic dynamics.

Nevertheless, it is important when you reach the front of the bar that you catch the bartender’s eye – this can normally be done by no more than raising an interrogative finger. It is important that you do not ‘queue jump’ (even though it is hard to discern whether you have done so) and if you are wrongly signalled out for service ahead of your time, you should indicate who was there before you. This courteous gesture will be gratefully acknowledged and may well be reciprocated later in the evening.

When you get to the bar, it is advisable to order drinks that take a long time to pour (eg a stout) first – the head will be settling while your other drinks are lined up. The choice of beers available in many pubs can be deeply confusing, especially to foreign visitors. If you see an array of baffling beer taps you can ask the bartender for advice, and it is quite acceptable to ask to taste a sample of a draft beer. The server will simply draw off a small glass, which you can taste before making your judgement. Don’t abuse this service by asking to sample more than a couple of beers.

Tabs are generally only offered in pubs where you are also eating, so in most cases you will be asked to pay when you buy your drinks. There is not a culture of tipping in British pubs but if you feel you have been given excellent service you can simply say “and have one for yourself” to the bartender. They may choose to pocket the drink money or may enjoy a drink at your expense – it’s up to them. If you are rewarding exceptional service (which is by no means expected), you would only do it once, probably at the end of the evening, and not after every round.

Buying Rounds

If a goup of you are drinking together it is usual for people to take it in turns to buy a round for the entire group. If you find yourself in a round-buying situation, observe the following etiquette:

•Don’t opt out of rounds or hang back; you should never have to be reminded it is your turn.

•Don’t conveniently disappear to the loo when it’s your turn to buy a round.

•Don’t opt for overly expensive orders (for example a beer and a chaser) when other people are buying a round. The idea is to try and keep the expenditure broadly on a par from round to round.

•Don’t leave before standing your round; if you know you’ve got to leave before your friends, try to get your round in earlier.

•Try and pace yourself so that you match the other drinkers and, if you’re drinking like a fish, don’t hassle other people into finishing up their drinks or pressurise them into drinking more than they want. If you’re really drinking super-fast you can always ‘intercept’ an extra drink for yourself between rounds.

•Stand up and say “it’s my round” when all the drinkers’ glasses are about a quarter-full. This means that, by the time you have procured the drinks, they will be ready to move on seamlessly without any interruption in service.

•If you’re a non-drinker you might find a night of beer-drinking in a pub is pretty low on your list of social priorities. If you do decide to join your drinking friends and opt for soft drinks you will have to face the facts that you are spending more on your friends’ drinks than your own.

•Don’t be stingy or over-vigilant about the round-buying experience. You may be out of pocket on one evening, but the presumption is that you will be the lucky one on a subsequent night and ultimately it will all balance out over time. The main priority is to be open-handed and convivial.

Being Sociable

Pubs are very sociable places, so be prepared to exchange small talk with strangers – especially if a big sporting event is being shown.

If you want a quiet drink by yourself, try and tuck yourself away at a table with a book or your phone and the other drinkers will get the message.

Since drinkers buy their own drinks from the bar, room to sit at the bar on barstools is normally quite limited, and the few barstool seats in prime position are often the preserve of locals or regulars. If you’ve never been to the pub before, it is probably safer to opt for a table located away from the bar.

Taking it Outside

Smokers and vapers are compelled to go outside and in many crowded city centre pubs there is often a large knot of people milling about on the pavement. In country pubs there is usually a garden or outside terrace with tables and chairs for al fresco drinkers.

If you’re going to drink and smoke outside, especially in a city street, be mindful of neighbours and potential noise nuisance and take care not to block pedestrians from accessing the pavement. Use ashtrays provided and don’t drop cigarette butts on the ground. When you’ve finished your drinks, it’s helpful to bring your glasses inside; never leave them on a doorstep or window ledge or on the pavement, where they will inevitably get broken leaving hazardous shards of broken glass.

When we are with other people, whether it is professionally or socially, it is generally considered good manners to be agreeable, flexible and empathetic and bad manners to impose bad moods, frustrations and irritability on the people around us. We are taught to avoid mood swings and to keep our fluctuating internal barometers to ourselves – no one wants to be subjected to our emotional highs and lows; our aim should be to project equanimity at all times.

But, inevitably, there are many people who find it hard to control their moods and simple issues, like hunger, fatigue, or even an overload of sugar or alcohol, can tip them over the edge, and turn them from reasonable human beings into snappy, argumentative fight-pickers, or morose and gloomy brooders, who refuse to participate in conversation and emanate a poisonous air of dissatisfaction from the sidelines. At this point, a bad mood can easily turn someone into a killjoy, trailing a bad atmosphere, casting gloom over other people’s enjoyment.

It is alarmingly easy to become a killjoy: if you have had a bad day, or are feeling tired and irritable, your mood can very easily infect those around you. If, for example, you are sour-faced and self-righteously intent on avoiding alcohol, and all around you are throwing caution to the wind, abstention can very quickly turn into disapproval. Be aware of the effect you are having on other people: if your influence is baleful, then bale out.

While we all have good days and bad days, most of us are self-aware and self-controlled enough to detect our killjoy tendencies and try not to inflict them on our nearest and dearest. If you’re uncomfortably aware that you haven’t been at your best, or have cast something of a pall over proceedings, it might be a good idea to apologise and acknowledge any efforts other people have made to assuage your bad humour.  You could make a quick phone call or send a text that says something like “Thanks for a great evening. My apologies if I was a bit grumpy at the beginning, I was letting work get on top of me, but you all really cheered me up.” Any irritation you have caused will soon be forgotten in the face of a gracious apology and often outlining the reasons for your moodiness will garner a sympathetic response.

We all recognise that our moods can vary according to an array of factors, from hunger levels and the weather to oppressive feelings of stress or depression. If your moodiness has its roots in the serious end of this spectrum, then you really need to seek help and understanding from the people around you; otherwise, you are likely to get into a vicious circle of displaying moodiness, winding up your friends, and then feeling resentful because they have not intuited the real reason for your behaviour. Expecting the people around you to be empathetic when they have nothing but guesswork to guide them is unrealistic. Sometimes it’s only polite to give people an explanation for aberrant behaviour; you will probably be pleasantly surprised by the sympathy and support that is offered.

Moody Manipulators

Some people, however, are inveterate exploiters of their moods, using their regular plunges into melancholy, dejection or cantankerousness to manipulate the people around them. They swing wildly between conviviality and coldness, between upbeat friendliness and dour withdrawal, confusing and distressing the people closest to them. This form of emotional bullying can be highly toxic, forcing friends and partners into situations where they either feel anxious to appease or placate the moody person, or find themselves being provoked into anger and belligerence.

Here are some ways of dealing with moody manipulators:

•Opt out

If you are overwhelmed and oppressed by someone’s mood music, you do not have to endure it. At times like this, it is always a good idea to absent yourself – take a break, go out for a coffee, call another more cheerful friend. It is certainly true that other people’s bad moods can bring you down, and you need to fight against that.

•Stay calm

Remind yourself that the moodiness on display is very likely nothing to do with you and is not your responsibility – it probably has deep and complex roots. You therefore should not immediately jump to the conclusion that it’s your fault or feel bad about yourself.

•Consider expulsion

This kind of controlling behaviour is a very bad sign, and you should probably consider whether you really want to find your contentment is being dictated by another person’s moods. Remind yourself that you may well be inflicting this person and their moodiness onto other people that you really care about, and nobody will be thanking you for introducing this disruptive element into their lives.

Ask yourself why you are choosing to spend time with someone who is having such a bad effect on you and consider moving on.

•Be non-compliant

Wielding mercurial mood swings is generally a good way of manipulating people – either into doing something they don’t want to do or reducing them to a state of abject compliance. Most victims of moodiness acquiesce because it’s a way of keeping the peace, but if you refuse to give in, you might be able to break the pattern.

•Ignorance is bliss

Just ignore the mood altogether. Accept that you can’t control another person’s emotions and concentrate instead on living your own life and controlling your own feelings.

•Confront the problem

Sometimes a direct challenge of the “You’re often really irritable with me and I’d like to know why” variety can be productive. Moody manipulators want to control the situation, but they do not want their methodology to be the subject of scrutiny or discussion.