Setting forth from your home base, whether for business travel or holidays, involves portable luggage, which ensures that our clothing and grooming essentials are always to hand when travelling. We’ve been pondering this very basic need and looking at the history of luggage and luggage-related etiquette.

The Evolution of Luggage

Young British gentlemen who embarked on the ‘grand tour’ of Europe in the late 18th century travelled in grand style and were frequently accompanied by an entire carriage dedicated to extensive wardrobes and even including indispensable items of furniture. Even a more modest Victorian gentleman traveller would have totally eschewed today’s portable cases. Travelling was the prerogative of the upper classes, who toured the world on steamships and packed a vast array of ‘essential’ items in bulky trunks, built of wood and leather on robust iron frameworks, which were constructed to withstand heavy seas and the danger of water damage. These behemoths were carried on to steamships and trains, or conveyed into hotels, by fleets of porters and bellhops. The traveller totally repudiated responsibility for his own luggage, but this freedom came at a very high price, which few could afford.

Recognisably modern, and portable, suitcases began to appear at the end of the 19th century. Travel was becoming more widely available for the masses, and they were roaming far and wide – making day trips to seaside resorts such as Brighton and Blackpool or venturing further afield to stay in huge resort hotels in countries such as Switzerland, Germany and Italy. Armed with Baedeker’s pocket-sized tourist guides (first published in 1827), an indispensable Bradshaw’s guide to Europe’s railway network and one of the new-fangled portable suitcases, late Victorian tourists began to explore the world. It was a golden age of travel, which was no longer the exclusive preserve of the wealthy and leisured classes.

By today’s standards the first suitcases were bulky and unwieldy. They were constructed of leather, wicker or thick rubber cloth, which was stretched over a rigid frame. Nevertheless, these hefty pieces of luggage were seen as symbols of freedom and opportunity, signifiers of a society that was both socially, and physically mobile. Inevitably, suitcases mutated to mirror the form of transportation that was most dominant. As trains were gradually supplanted by cars, suitcases became lighter and cheaper. A cardboard suitcase could easily be lodged in the car boot and was perfectly adequate for a motorist’s needs.

With the advent of air travel, luggage evolved yet again. Limited storage capacity on aeroplanes meant that bags were restricted to certain size and also needed to be robust enough to withstand rough treatment by baggage handlers. Passengers were obliged to walk, with their luggage, through increasingly extensive airports, and wheels and extendible handles turned bags into trolleys, ensuring that no heavy lifting was required.

The Appearance of the Wash Bag

Fully equipped with a suitcase or wheelie bag and ready to hit the open road, the next pressing question is: what should we pack? As well as supplies of clothing, it is imperative that our bags also contain our grooming and hygiene essentials. These small, and often fragile items clearly need to be contained within their own, protective container: the ubiquitous wash bag.

This utilitarian item of luggage also has an interesting history. In the 18th and 19th centuries gentlemen would have been the proud owners of magnificent dressing cases, containing bottles and jars of colognes and aftershave and items such as a razor and leather strop, scissors, a toothbrush, mirror and hairbrush. Frequently these boxes were made of exotic inlaid woods and were lined with silk or velvet. Glass jars were often bespoke items made of cut glass, with silver stoppers. These beautiful objects were aesthetically pleasing status symbols, considered to be an essential feature of the distinguished gentleman’s equipment.

Ladies had their own version, known as vanity cases, which contained all the grooming products considered essential for a woman on the move. Within their luxurious padded interiors, they housed a range of decorative bottles and jars, hairbrushes, combs, comprehensive manicure sets. Crystal, silver, gilt and ivory were much in evidence, while the exteriors of the boxes were veneered with exotic decorative woods from all over the world.

In the late 19th century, when steamships and steam trains opened up remote parts of the world and tourism became more commonplace, travelling dressing cases were introduced. These were heavy duty leather holdalls with a wooden frame, which opened at the top and sides, in the manner of an old fashioned ‘doctor’s bag’, to reveal an array of bottles, brushes, mirrors, manicure and writing sets. Frequently given as a 21st birthday present, these elaborate bags were made to order and were frequently adorned with monograms and coronets and endowed with bespoke fittings, such as silver and gold mountings, engraved accessories, and cut-glass bottles.

Nevertheless, these leather holdalls were unwieldy and heavy, requiring the services of porters and servants. It is scarcely surprising, therefore, that the mass movement of troops at the beginning of World War I demanded a more pragmatic option. Charles Doppelt was a German immigrant to the US who manufactured sturdy leather wash bags for the US military. These handy items were dubbed ‘Dopp bags’ or even ‘Dopps’ and have continued to be manufactured ever since in the US. They were the inspiration for the modern toiletry bag, which has continued to evolve – for both sexes, and are now made in a range of materials, from calfskin and waxed leather to canvas, cotton and velvet.

Luggage Etiquette

Wheelie bags, rucksacks, and lightweight holdalls have been universally adopted by the 21st-century traveller. But despite their convenience, they are still bulky items to lug around and good manners need to be deployed to ensure that luggage is never an inconvenience to other people.

•If you are checking in to a hotel it is usual to tip bellboys or porters who take your luggage to your room. Rates vary, but if one unit is equivalent to a pound, dollar or euro, then you should tip one or two units per item of luggage.

•If you have taken a taxi to your hotel, or to the station or airport, it is normally part of the service for the taxi driver to put your luggage in the boot and take it out at the other end. You should, of course, tip the driver – 10-15 per cent is usual in the UK.

•On trains, buses and undergrounds, do your utmost to ensure that your luggage is not causing an obstruction. Do not dump your suitcase on a spare seat – you haven’t paid for it and, even if the transport is empty when you get on, you may well be using up valuable space that could be better occupied by human passengers who board subsequently.

•Do your utmost to ensure that luggage does not block aisles or obstruct the leg space of passengers sitting opposite. Many trains and buses have luggage racks near the doors, or overhead luggage racks, where you can stow bags away safely.

•If you see someone struggling with a heavy bag when boarding, it is always a polite gesture to offer to help them stow it in the luggage rack (if you are strong enough to do so).

•Offer to help people stow their bags in overhead luggage racks on aeroplanes – these are quite high and difficult to reach for those of us who are short of stature, so be attentive during boarding and disembarkation and make sure that you’re on hand if assistance is required.

•Be aware at all times of people who are struggling with their luggage, for example when boarding a train and, if you are able to help, offer to do so.

•If you have a rucksack on your back, remove it on crowded public transport and place it between your feet. A substantial rucksack greatly increases the amount of physical space you occupy, and if you are blithely unaware of your large ‘humpback’ you will end up bumping into fellow passengers.

•Wheelie bags are extremely convenient, but if you are pulling them along quaint cobbled streets in a historic city centre, they will make a terrible racket. If it is late at night and the streets are quiet, be very mindful of the disturbance, and if possible, carry the bag over short distances to avoid waking up the entire neighbourhood.

The ease and convenience of travelling abroad has certainly been transformed since the days of steamer trunks, dressing cases and porters. But you should still be aware of bulky luggage and do your best to ensure that you do not irritate the people around you.

Top: ‘A railway station’, wood engraving by W.J. Linton, the Wellcome Collection

The British are well known for their maze of circumlocution, ­the roundabout ways in which they avoid saying anything uncomfortable and instead skirt around the edges of confrontation, criticism or disagreement.

These polite phrases have permeated English language and culture, and no doubt cause a great deal of confusion to visitors from countries where language is much more direct. However, it is second nature to most English people to deploy these phrases and, of course, we all know what they mean.

Their purpose is to smooth communication, soften any rough edges, and create an atmosphere of harmony. However, we all know that many of these phrases should be heard or read in context and acknowledge that they are often passive aggressive, using soft words to mask feelings of anger and frustration. Simple words/phrases like “I think” or “maybe” are universally used to indicate polite tentativeness rather than brutal certainty, while “Would you mind?” is used to preface many an unpopular request (and of course is never to be interpreted literally).

A recent study by Trinity College London highlighted the top polite phrases used by English people and revealed that 83 per cent of people surveyed admit that they avoid confrontation at all costs and 46 per cent use so-called polite-isms to relieve tension. This indirect communication, which is so characteristic of English speakers, is challenging for learners of English, who must acquire these skills in order to navigate academic, professional and social life in Britian.

We’ve taken a look at some of the top phrases identified in the study and have divided them into the following three categories:

Avoiding Conflict

These are phrases that take feelings of tetchiness and irritability and translate them into bland, ‘relaxed’ polite-isms. The underlying translation is clear, and some of these phrases may also carry ­­– depending on the situation – further layers or irritability and aggression:

“Can I just squeeze past you?” This means “Can you please move out of the way?” but also carries a strong undercurrent of “and why haven’t you noticed that you’re causing an obstruction?”

“Sounds fun, I’ll let you know” means “I’m not coming” but also carries a distinct whiff of “and please leave me alone”.

“I beg your pardon?” This is perhaps one of the most direct polite-isms, which generally means “I’m furious/What are you trying to say?/Did I hear you right?”. With the emphasis on ‘beg’, it is an unusually clear indication of annoyance.

“Sorry, I’m a bit busy right now!” is a phrase that screams “Leave me alone!/Go away and leave me in peace!”

“No rush, when you have a minute” translates as “Please hurry up” but carries a distinct undertone of “Haven’t you noticed that you’re keeping me waiting?”

“With all due respect…” is a great weapon used in arguments, which means “You’re completely wrong” and implies “I’m now going to tell you why.” This phrase is often wielded when disagreements have become extremely heated and respect for each other’s view is in short supply.

“As per my last email” is the universal cry of the person who has been ignored or overlooked and means “I already told you this”, with a clear frustrated subtext of “Have you even bothered to read what I said?” This cri de coeur has entered the litany of polite-isms since the advent of digital communications; presumably in days gone by “As I said in my last letter” would have also been a contender.

“Sorry, could you say that last bit again” is a fine example of passive-aggression, which clearly signals that the speaker is so bored that they have switched off completely and means “I haven’t been listening to a word you’re saying”.

Looking on the Bright Side

These phrases use the simple technique of, when trying to say something unpalatable, coming up with an expression that means the exact opposite of what you really want to convey. It is universally appreciated that this strange deception will be spotted a mile off, but is acknowledged because it shows a valiant effort to find something positive to say:

“I hear what you’re saying” of course means “I don’t agree with a thing that you’ve said” and inevitably this phrase is often followed by the word ‘but’.

“Not to worry!” this plucky example of British stoicism means “It’s all gone to hell, but let’s keep calm and carry on.” It is generally wheeled out when our backs are against the wall and our options are severely limited.

“I’ll bear it in mind” is an egregious example of avoidance, since we all know it means “I’m not going to consider it for one minute”

“It could be worse”, a phrase that is usually only trotted out when the worst that was feared has actually happened, is another example of relentless optimism, which is maintained in the face of all evidence to the contrary.

“That’s one way of looking at it” is another phrase that tacitly acknowledges opposition but refuses to deal with it, since what it really means is “You’re just so wrong!”

Polite Exasperation

Many of these circumlocutions have evolved to deal with ‘difficult’ situations, where other people have not done what they undertook to do, have not come up to expectations, or have been disappointing. The following phrases clearly highlight their shortcomings, and the attendant frustrations, but in very roundabout ways:

“Just a gentle reminder…” The use of the word ‘gentle’ is a real giveaway here, since the thrust of the message is “Why on earth have you not got back to me/done what you promised?”. The frustration is palpable.

“Happy to help” – this quasi offer of help clearly communicates reluctance (note the manipulative use of the word ‘happy’). The speaker is grudgingly saying “I suppose I’ll have to help out, but I really don’t see why…” A very similar phrase, “Happy to discuss” uses the same formula to convey an absolute reluctance to discuss the matter any further.

“I’d appreciate it if you’d let me know either way”. This clearly means “Why have you not got back to me?” but the baldness and frustration of the statement is masked by the pseudo-politeness of ‘appreciate’ and the meaningless padding of ‘let me know either way’.

“I’m sure it’s just me, but…” This is a classic circumlocution, which means “This is your responsibility and nobody else’s”. By purporting to take responsibility, the speaker is doing the exact opposite and apportioning blame.

“It’s certainly an interesting idea…” The use of the word ‘interesting’ here is a death blow, since it clearly indicates the precise opposite, that it is a truly terrible idea, and cannot be countenanced.

Polite-isms in Practice

Now we are all well versed in the top-ranking British polite-isms, we have put together some sentences that ooze British euphemisms and evasions (with the unadorned translation in brackets).

A simple glance will reveal that the unvarnished truth is aggressive and sometimes offensive, whereas the circumlocutory niceties tend to soften the blow and maintain a feeling of calm and composure – as long as you know how to interpret these phrases and don’t get lulled into a false sense of security:

“Could I just squeeze past you? No rush, when you have a minute!”
(Get out of my way and do it now!)

“Thanks for the invitation, sorry I haven’t replied, I’m a bit busy right now. It sounds fun, I’ll let you know”
(I’ve received your invitation – I wish you’d just leave me alone. I won’t be coming.)

“With all due respect, I’m not sure this is the way to proceed. As per my last email, I have several reservations.”
(This no way to carry on. As I’ve already pointed out, I completely disagree.)

“I hear what you’re saying and I’ll bear it in mind.”
(I don’t agree with you and I’m not going to do what you ask.)

“Not to worry! It could be worse.”
(This is an absolute, unmitigated disaster.)

“Just a gentle reminder about the mail-out we discussed last week. Happy to help.”
(Why haven’t you sent the mailout as we discussed? And don’t ask me to help.)

“I’m sure it’s just me, but your figures don’t appear to add up. Happy to discuss.”
(Your figures don’t make any sense – sort it out and don’t bother me with it.)

A lingering waft of scent can transport us to another time and place with extraordinary vividness. Our sense of smell is directly connected to the limbic system, the primitive part of our brain where emotions and memories are stored and processed.

Fragrance and memory are clearly intertwined: whether it is the pervasive herby aromas of a first Mediterranean holiday, the woody scents of an autumn evening, the heady perfume of roses in your parents’ garden, the exotic smell of spices simmering in your grandmother’s kitchen, or the fragrance worn by your first partner.

Fragrances do more than stimulate memory and desire, they can also affect our behaviour in the present moment, triggering a physiological response. Many fragrances possess strong associative properties, and work easily to alter the mood, promoting increased alertness and positivity, or creating feelings of calm, tranquillity and relaxation. They can be helpful in alleviating stress, easing insomnia, providing clarity and focus. Refreshing and revitalising scents include: orange, citrus, grapefruit, lemon, lime, cypress, eucalyptus, peppermint, pine, tea tree, thyme. Calming and relaxing scents include: vanilla, lavender, sandalwood, rosewood, frankincense, neroli, chamomile and jasmine.

Fragrances: Key Facts

Fragrances are broadly divided into the following categories:

• Citrus

Fresh and energising, these are essential oils obtained by extracting the zest of fruits such as lemon, mandarin, orange, grapefruit or bergamot, combined with orange flower products. Citrus eau de colognes are worn by both men and women.

•Floral

These fragrances use a single flower as their main component, for example rose, violet, jasmine, lily of the valley.

•Fougère

Meaning ‘fern’ in French, but not actually representing a fern fragrance. They are made of a blend of woody and mossy notes (eg lavender, oak moss), with a bergamot top note.

•Chypre

Warm leathery notes, combined with citrus freshness. They were originally intended to capture the smell of Cyprus – dry warmth, tree resins, eg oakmoss and labdanum (a resin from the rock rose plant), citrus, and a hint of white flowers.

•Woody

Warm and opulent, this group is dominated by scents such as cedar, patchouli, sandalwood, vetiver, with top notes of lavender.

•Oriental

Inspired by ‘mysterious’ Eastern smells, these fragrances combine woody notes with incense and spices (vetiver roots, patchouli leaves, sandalwood, amber etc) and soft powdery notes, such as vanilla.

•Leather

Designed to reproduce the fragrance of leather (patchouli, birch tar, tobacco), with floral top notes.

•Fruit notes

From a range of berries to lush juicy fruits, such as peaches and apricot and tropical fruits such as coconut and pineapple, there is a wide range of fruit-based fragrances to choose from. These are very prevalent in products such as shower gel, soaps and lotions.

The Evolution of a Scent

Citrus and top notes: fragrances will, for the first 20 minutes, be dominated by fresh, fruity and citrus notes. These are the instant hit, the first odour you’ll smell, but they are short-lived – they are there as a scented handshake to welcome you.

Heart notes: after 20 minutes, the heart notes will begin to emerge from the citrus notes. They were always there but were just overpowered at first. These are the flowery, spicy and woody smells and they should last for two or three hours. Essentially, this is what your fragrance will smell like for most of the time that you wear it.

Base notes: once the heart notes have evaporated, the base notes are left. Often there to act as fixatives for the skin – they can be vanilla, musky, woody or smoky notes – these are the smells that are noticeable on your clothes the morning after.

Why You Should Wear a Fragrance

By choosing to wear a fragrance you are finding an effective way to enhance your wellbeing and self-esteem and boost your confidence. A scent will increase your personal space, too, as your fragrance will extend the area you inhabit. Conversely, if you overuse fragrance, other people will feel that their space is being invaded by your over-powerful and dominant aroma, so it is best to treat fragrance with caution.

Given the undeniable power of scent to influence mood, it seems sensible to use fragrance as tool in your armoury, which along with your choice of clothing and your perfect grooming, can project strong and positive associations to the world. A signature fragrance will become something that confers distinction upon you, that will make you stand out from the crowd and will make you memorable.

While women often choose to wear a fragrance as a reflection of who they are, men tend to wear it an accessory, in the same way as cufflinks might be. They have a ‘wardrobe’ of fragrances to fit with the mood, the occasion and their clothes.

Buying Scent

Faced with an array of different fragrances, the temptation is to start spraying willy-nilly. Don’t go into sensory overload: it is best to try a maximum of just five different scents. Choose ones that you think you like and spray a few squirts onto a paper scent strip.

Take it away and smell it again 20 minutes later. By then, the fresh citrusy top notes will give way to the flowery, spicy and woody heart notes, which is how it will generally smell on you.

If you still like it, then spray it on your skin, but make sure you do it when you’re feeling in fine physical fettle and in a good, upbeat mood, as your body will be balanced, and your olfactory sensory system will be functioning at its peak. Fragrance should be sprayed onto body areas that are naturally warm, which will allow the scent to develop to its full potential. The first area should be your pulse points – your wrists and around your neck – as these are warm places where the blood is close to the skin.

Give a fragrance time to develop on your skin; after about 20 minutes you should be able to judge if this is the fragrance for you. Bear in mind that everyone experiences fragrances differently, because of the unique personal emotions that are associated with them. However, recent scientific research has proved that most people tend to prefer scents that they can correctly identify, such as vanilla or cut grass.

Beware: your nose adapts to familiar smells, making them seem less strong. If a smell has been around you for a while, your brain will assess it and, if it is safe, will regard it as part of the background ‘noise’. It’s a primitive function that means recognisable smells seem less strong than new and potentially dangerous ones. You will therefore not be able to smell your fragrance as clearly as you did on the day you first wore it, so resist the urge to splash it on more thickly.

A Time and a Place

Some fragrances will suit different times of day better than others. In the office, a lighter fragrance is generally more suitable; a heavier fragrance is best at night.

Bear in mind that, if eating out, there are some scents – like fougère fragrances – that will overpower the plate in front of you. Oriental fragrances with vanilla or other edible notes, however, often go well with food.

There is a seasonal element too: the smell of incense and wood is out of place in the summer, while citrus and fresh flower notes make little sense around the fire on a cold winter’s day.

When applying fragrance your aim is to titillate and tantalise, not to smother and overwhelm. Bear in mind that there is one failsafe method of testing whether a fragrance is right for you: if your partner doesn’t like it, bin it. Ideally, choose fragrances when your partner is present and listen carefully to their feedback – ignore a negative response at your peril, as an unappealing olfactory stimulus is a powerful deterrent.

If you choose well, wearing a good, distinctive fragrance shows that you care. The fact that you have taken trouble to attend to your physical presence in the world shows that you respect the people with whom you’re interacting, the hallmark of good manners.

Have you ever been socially upstaged? While there is no doubt that we all seek attention when we interact, most of us acknowledge that attention-seeking is a reciprocal game. We want to be noticed, observed, listened to and understood, and it is attention that oils conversations, consolidates contacts, forges friendships and reinforces relationships. But we acknowledge that we must also pay attention to other people – it’s all about give and take.

This civilised back and forth is predictably disrupted when a social upstager enters the scene. These are people who crave the spotlight, who thrive on attention, and are ruthlessly prepared to upstage anyone else who stands in their way.

They’re at their worst when it comes to big occasions (especially birthdays, weddings and funerals) where the focus is clearly on other people (eg the marrying couple or the family of the deceased) . They think nothing of dressing to kill, eclipsing the real stars of the show. And that is only the beginning – they dominate conversations, elbow key people out of photo line-ups to ensure they get front row billing and do anything to guarantee that they’re noticed and talked about, even if it means stealing the limelight by making their own ‘significant’ announcement (pregnancy and engagement are favourite options), behaving badly, getting drunk, starting a contentious argument, having a fight, making an ill-advised pass. It’s all grist to the mill. In the words of Oscar Wilde: “There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.”

How to Spot an Upstager

•Relentless Self-Promotion

The essential message of the upstager is “look at me!” and they convey this in a range of ways. They may dress flamboyantly or provocatively or speak loudly and assertively. Their focus of interest is themselves, so they talk compulsively about themselves, their own lives and interests, their own dramas, without ever pausing to draw breath, ask other people questions, listen attentively to their responses, or react to what they’re saying. The give and take of conversation is completely lost on them.

•Showing Off

Often their way of putting themselves centre-stage is to be boastful or over-competitive. They feel that by reminding other people that they are successful/wealthy/attractive/happy they will remain the focus of attention and admiration. These tendencies can be greatly exaggerated by drink and accompanying feelings of disinhibition. Many an upstager starts off the evening in a mood of sober discretion; their behaviour deteriorates and becomes more blatant as the evening (and the alcohol) wears on.

•Showcasing Knowledge

Bringing conversation around to areas of expertise or arcane knowledge and rendering the assembled company speechless with displays of know-how is another effective way of monopolising attention. Sometimes the expertise is only purported and the upstager is blatantly improvising and fabricating, but most people are too polite to call them out.

•Dominating and Interrupting

Upstagers love to take control of conversations, and their chief weapons are interrupting and monologuing. Both these techniques disrupt the natural flow and rhythm of conversation and ensure that they gain a disproportionate amount of airtime. By shutting down other participants, they can ensure that nobody else has room to sparkle conversationally.

•Name-Dropping, Embellishing, Exaggerating

Elaborating and embroidering are closely related to boasting; upstagers are always able to grab the attention of the assembled company if they are prepared to throw discretion to the winds and use all their creative powers to transfix the audience. While their tall tales may well be compelling, the suspicion that they are not true can undermine their impact.

•Fishing for Compliments

Compliments are meat and drink to the upstager as they are clear confirmation that they are being noticed, and they can bathe in the positive approbation. Of course, compliments are not always forthcoming, so they might be driven to fishing for them, which they may do in a number of ways: they can elicit compliments by abject self-deprecation, which demands immediate rebuttal (“I know I’m looking an absolute fright…”); they can seek reassurance through compliments (“I wasn’t sure if this outfit really fits the dress code – do you think it looks alright?”); they can over-compliment their companions in the hope that a reciprocal compliment will be forthcoming (risky – they might just be met with a smug smile).

•Stirring up Dissent

Some upstagers use disruption as their secret weapon. They march into a social situation, pick an argument, or set well-known antagonists against each other, then take on various roles: referee, peacemaker, provocateur. Whatever option they choose, they are guaranteeing that they are centre stage, at the heart of the disturbance, which is where they long to be.

•Canvassing Sympathy

The most dismal way of grabbing the limelight is to play on people’s empathy and kindness. Announcing bad news (a financial crisis, an imminent divorce, illness, bereavement) on a social occasion – especially one where other people are expected to be centre-stage – is deeply manipulative. Fellow-guests feel steamrollered into reacting to the bad news and expressing their sympathy, but this is not an appropriate occasion for commiseration. It is always more appropriate to be discreet about personal crises and seek sympathy in private; if something terrible has happened that has completely overwhelmed you, then it is probably sensible to opt out of socialising altogether or confide in a close friend.

How to Deal with Upstagers

•Set boundaries

Upstagers can be very overwhelming and powerful, so it can be hard to counteract their antics. However, it is in your own interests to set boundaries and curtail their worst excesses. A lot of upstagers are not fully aware that they are hogging the limelight, they simply think they’re being lively and entertaining. So, it may be a good idea discreetly to point out the transgression. This might mean tactfullly explaining that their behaviour is dominating the evening or the occasion (“why not give Emily a chance to shine? It’s her birthday after all!”)…

•Respond positively

In the moments (however rare) when they’re not hell-bent on upstaging try and indicate that the dialled-down version of their persona is much more socially acceptable and likeable (“I really enjoyed our conversation with James ­– your questions about his trip to Africa really got him going!”).

•Use humour

This can deflect their worst excesses; affectionate teasing, rather than stony disapproval, is often a very effective way of curtailing upstaging behaviour. Teasing acknowledges the offence but does not dwell on it. It offers the offender a chance to climb down and apologise (“Oh sorry, I’m afraid I’m talking too much – Charlotte certainly thinks so!”), and the worst excesses of upstaging are effectively eradicated by humour and badinage.

As our work practices change, the boundaries between our professional and private lives become more traversable and ill-defined, especially for those of us who spend some of our time working from home. Online working, and the vast range of digital media platforms now available, means that everyone has myriad ways of connecting, and inevitably a substantial portion of online communication is unrelated to work and challenges our understanding of the concept of professional privacy.

The Phone Dilemma

In the days before mobile phones, office phone systems were probably abused – it was understood that employees were allowed to use the office phone line for private calls, within reason, and certainly there would be no criticism if the phone was used in an emergency. However, sitting at your desk, having a lengthy private chat on the office phone was not considered good business etiquette and many a boss had to have a word with employees who blithely made lengthy personal phone calls on their office phone. This was often a public transgression, witnessed by colleagues who were forced to eavesdrop personal phone calls in open-plan offices, which many found intrusive and embarrassing.

Nowadays, we all have our own mobile phones and have become increasingly addicted to them. We glance at them every few minutes, jump to attention when we see the screen light up or hear the beep of notifications and find ourselves easily led down the garden path of internet distraction when we pick them up to send a quick text. Since texting is unobtrusive and seemingly private, unlike the audible phone calls of days gone by, many of us feel that we have a carte blanche to use our mobiles for private texting throughout the day. But it is easy to let your phone distract you from the task in hand, and you need to ensure that you are using it sensibly and discreetly at work.

Follow these simple guidelines:

•Keep your phone out of sight (preferably in a bag or drawer). If it’s on your desk your eye will constantly be drawn to it, and you will find it hard to resist picking it up, looking at it, and fiddling with it.

•If you receive calls on your mobile that must be answered, do so away from your desk if possible. You can usually take a call in reception, in a corridor, on the stairs. But keep an eye on the clock and don’t get carried away.

•Put your phone on silent; your intrusive ringtones, beeps and alerts will not only distract you, but the people who are sitting nearby.

•Try and rein in your texting habit. If you’re constantly hunched over your phone, texting, people will assume that it is not work-related. Try and give yourself texting ‘windows’ throughout the day – for example, looking at your phone while you’re waiting for the kettle to boil in the communal kitchen, or while you’re eating your lunchtime sandwich.

•Don’t carry your phone around when you move about the office, and don’t take it into meetings. Never put it on the table in front of you at meetings, as it clearly indicates that your colleagues do not have your undivided attention and that’s just rude.

Social Media

It’s not just about phones. Everyone can use their work computers to access messaging apps and social media, and – using the plethora of sites and platforms available – can maintain contact with friends throughout the working day. This can be done discreetly, and unless someone is looking over your shoulder, none of your colleagues will be aware that you are socialising, not working.

This is bound to happen, but just remember that it is a huge distraction – we’re all finding that digital media is making us jumpy and shortening our attention span. If you want to succeed professionally, it is your own responsibility to manage your time effectively and most employers will trust you to do so; fight the tendency to become distracted by allocating yourself ‘packets’ of concentrated time when you focus on the task in hand and do not let your attention stray.

As far as employers and management are concerned, they must accept that these new forms of communication are here to stay, and it would be unwise to be too draconian about their use and sensible to focus on some of their benefits. For example, instant messaging apps are a good way of communicating with employees, especially if the team is not physically together, with some members working from home.

Employees will inevitably be using social media. The important priority is to ensure that they use it well. You might well be able to use your employees’ social media fluency to build awareness of your company and brand. With good management, your employees may even become social media ambassadors for your brand.

The Line Between Public and Private

No matter how friendly and convivial the work environment is, it is always sensible to draw clear distinctions between private and public life, and this is more crucial than ever in the social media era, when many of us chronicle our daily lives on public forums.

If you value your professional reputation, it is a good idea to review yourr privacy settings on all social media accounts. In the real world of work and career it is imperative to curate your own brand, and project a squeaky-clean image.

Of course, you will in any case need to be guarded about your personal data and online privacy. But you should also be aware that if you do not activate your privacy settings, your life will be laid bare for all to see, sometimes with detrimental consequences. It is a well-known fact that recruiters scour the social media of potential candidates, and this can set off alarm bells.

Dangerous areas are: political rants, pictures of substance abuse, provocative pictures. Also be aware that tagged photos, many of which were not posted by you, can still be seen on social media sites. If these images are really damning, you can request the tag to be removed through the site administrators. or ask the person who posted the photo to take it down.

Online Snooping

In an online era how much privacy do you really have at work? If an employee uses his or her company’s IT systems – whether in the office or on a work-issued laptop at home – this use is likely to be monitored, because of the prevalence of cyber-threats. Privacy on work-issued computers is not recognised; your entire web-browsing history, for example, is accessible to your employer (though whether they exploit this access is another matter).

Employers can also access social media messages, chats and emails, and may do so to collect data about their workers’ effectiveness or attitudes. Remember that any office messenger service, such as Slack, can be monitored by your employer, so you should never use it for private chats. Indiscreet or inflammatory remarks about colleagues or criticisms of management policy might well come back to bite you.

Clearly this level of access can be corrosive, undermining employee trust, and therefore employers must tell employees if they’re being monitored, and why. It is within an employer’s rights to insist that equipment should not be used for personal matters within working hours, but in most cases, employers will feel they are fighting a losing battle to hold back the tidal wave of online communication.

In most businesses trust and flexibility will go a long way, ensuring that staff feel valued rather than disrespected. It is up to us all, as responsible adults, to draw lines between public and private concerns and to control our online compulsions, ensuring that we are able to compartmentalise our concentration, focus and prioritise.

Saying ‘thank you’ is an essential pillar of good manners, which (along with saying ‘please’) is endlessly reiterated to us throughout our childhood. It is a fundamental act of recognition and acknowledgement, which shows our appreciation for any act of civility or generosity – from holding a door open to hosting a dinner party – and has a powerful, positive impact on all social interactions.

It is surprising, therefore, that this simple gesture of gratitude is so often overlooked, both in our social and professional lives. Given its positive benefits, it is hard to understand why saying thank you is often deprioritised. The simplest explanation for this is heedlessness and distraction. We rush through our daily lives at full pelt, enslaved by the demands for attention that emanate from our digital devices, stressed and distracted, and we overlook the real-life scenarios that should be acknowledged. A classic example of this syndrome is the harassed customer in a coffee shop who orders a drink while making a phone call, grabs it from the barista and makes a swift exit without a word of thanks.

The more we allow these small interactions to go unmarked by gratitude, the more likely we are to forget out social obligations on occasions when thanks are expected – social media is rife with complaints and gripes from people who never receive thanks or acknowledgement for presents or hospitality, a fundamental social faux pas.

This is a great shame, as saying thank you improves your relationships, building trust with the people around you. It demonstrates that you are aware of acts of politeness, generosity, support or friendship and appreciative of them. It is also true that saying thank you is an investment in the future: by showing your appreciation you are demonstrating that you are a person who is worthy of generosity and kindness, and inevitably more will come your way.

We’ve looked at ways of bringing more gratitude into your life:

Start Young

If you instil habits of gratitude in your children, you will be doing them a lifetime service. This encompasses simple ps and qs (“say please”, “say thank you”), but it also involves the much more arduous business of getting children to write thank-you notes for treats and presents. This will be much more effective if you can persuade your child by using empathy (“Wasn’t it nice of Grandma to remember how much like painting?”), rather than by simply imposing your authority (“You can’t go out to play until you’ve written your thank-you letters”). You will inevitably encounter resistance to this whole business, especially amongst young children who find writing hard work, but it is worth sticking at it, because it will eventually become an engrained habit that your children will take into adulthood, where it will put them at a social advantage.

Embrace Everyday Gratitude

Monitor all your everyday transactions ­– from driving encounters, bus journeys and coffee shops to shopping, ordering food, buying drink. It is obviously vital that you always thank anyone who performs a service for you (in a shop, bar, ticket office and so on), and failing to do so is undoubtedly rude, because it is demeaning to the person who is serving you. Being busy or distracted is never an adequate excuse for this kind of disregard.

But also question whether you even notice when someone does something polite or helpful for you, when they are under no obligation to do so; this could range from giving way in a car to let you pass on a crowded street, to holding a door open for you or ushering you ahead of them in a queue. Once you start to look out for these small gestures you will see that they happen very frequently, and you will also find that a smile and a nod, wave or word of gratitude will bring both gratification to you and to the other person. Never overlook these small moments of engagement – they will school you in the art of gratitude and enhance your awareness of other people.

Acknowledge Gifts and Hospitality

Traditionally, there was a whole apparatus of formal thanks for gifts and hospitality. Letters were dispatched in short order, and they followed a set pattern: opening with thanks; remarks on the pleasures of the occasion/appositeness of the gift; more general remarks; reiterated thanks.

But as letters have become increasingly rare and we’ve become more reliant on digital communications, these conventional missives have begun to be replaced by texts, emails and messages. While a letter or thank-you card always packs a more powerful punch (it speaks of time, consideration and effort) a digital message of thanks still performs the essential function of grateful acknowledgment.

More troublingly, we now seem to be entering an era when gratitude ghosting is increasingly in evidence. This is when gifts are received, and hospitality is enjoyed without a word of thanks – the act of generosity is simply met with a resounding silence. If you must admit that you have tendencies in this direction, just try and exercise your empathy. Imagine how you would feel if you had invested time, money and thought in choosing, wrapping and sending a present, and your efforts were met with nothing. Or envisage a situation where you had invited friends for dinner, shopped, cleaned, cooked a delicious meal, plied them with drink and conversation, only to be met with silence in the days after the event. It is not a great imaginative leap to realise that you would be left feeling hurt, overlooked and offended.

These negative feelings can act like a slow poison, infecting the giver with a resolve not to lay themselves open to this casual disregard. Is it surprising that serial non-thankers eventually find themselves struck off gift lifts or left without invitations?

Acknowledge Support and Kindness

Saying thank you isn’t just about everyday acts of kindness, generosity or hosting. Generosity comes in many guises, from giving someone a lift, helping with their shopping or gardening to helping them move house, looking after their children, or supporting them through a major illness or bereavement.

It often seems easier to thank people for small services, of the help with shopping or gardening variety, than saying thank you for major, life-changing acts of support or generosity. But these big gestures must also be acknowledged, and if you find it difficult to articulate the extent of your gratitude in person, a letter can be a very useful way of expressing more complex emotions.

Thank Colleagues

Gratitude plays a major role in the workplace, and we all know that colleagues who take our assistance for granted, who never thank us for our time and effort, can easily undermine the working environment and make us feel resentful.

If you regularly thank your colleagues for their assistance and support, you will be contributing to a positive workplace culture, where everyone feels more engaged. You will also be consolidating team loyalty and productivity.

In a work context, a public thank you (whether it is on a workplace message app, an email thread, or in person in a meeting) is particularly valuable. Everyone is striving for recognition in the workplace, so they will be particularly gratified by thanks that are aired in a wider forum, where their efforts are acknowledged and noted by other colleagues, team leaders and management.

The person who is giving thanks will also gain kudos from the transaction. They will be seen as generous, honest, supportive and loyal. On the other hand, people who take sole credit for work, without acknowledging crucial advice and assistance, will be seen as untrustworthy and unscrupulous ladder-climbers and regarded with suspicion.

The revised and updated edition of our perennial classic, the Debrett’s Guide for the Modern Gentleman, is published on 1st May.

This encyclopaedic guide contains an eclectic miscellany of information for the modern gentleman, from our traditional advice on good manners, tailoring and dress codes to extreme sports, grooming, exercise regimes, travel tips, home comforts, collecting, driving, classic cars and gastronomy.

We believe that a defining characteristic of a modern gentleman is his savoir-faire. He is calm, competent, knowledgeable and worldly, able to deal with a myriad of different circumstances and challenges with charm and ease.

We hope that our new edition of the Guide will be an enlightening and entertaining companion. Our A-Z selection of sample topics below is intended merely to give a flavour of the range and diversity of its contents.

Aerobic Exercise

Great for cardiovascular ability and for improving fitness, aerobic classes became popular, primarily for women, in the 1980s, but are now equally enjoyed by men. Bodypump combines aerobic exercises with hand-weights, which involves high-repetitions with low weights, making it great for toning and fitness.

Barbers

If you’ve had a bad day and don’t want to talk at the barbers, that’s fine, as long as you’re not silent to the point of rudeness.  Talking on the phone makes the barber’s job impossible and is bound to cause irritation. When you first go to a new barber, tell him your style, your likes and dislikes – don’t just say “do what you think is best”. If you’re happy with your haircut, it’s normal to tip around 10 per cent.

Caviar

Caviar is the roe of the sturgeon fish. It is best eaten as simply as possible, served at room temperature. A true connoisseur would never disguise the true taste of caviar with additions such as sour cream, lemon or onions. The average portion is approximately 30g. Test caviar’s freshness by placing a small amount on the fleshy part of your hand between your thumb and index finger ­– it should not smell fishy. Vodka is a perfect partner.

Doors, Holding Open

Men were always expected to hold doors open for women to pass through first, and it is still considered a polite gesture. But if a woman arrives at the door first and starts to open it, a man shouldn’t rush in front of her exclaiming “I’ll get that!”; most women do not expect to be ‘helped’ through doors by their male companions. Everyone who passes through a door should check behind them to ensure that they are not letting the door slam in someone’s face.

Eyebrows

A mono-brow can be shaved easily, but it’s more effective to pluck between your two brows. Make sure you don’t over-pluck as, over time, the hair may not grow back – and you don’t want to look permanently startled. If in doubt, get it done by a professional.

Fragrance

A ‘signature’ fragrance is an important component in your personal armoury; it should be a memorable and individual reflection of your ‘brand’. Your fragrance is the finishing touch to your clothes and is an accessory in the same way that your cufflinks might be. You should, therefore, have a wardrobe of scents to fit with your mood, the occasion and your clothes. Spray a quick burst onto your chest after a shower – you will already be warm from washing and so, as the cologne heats up under your shirt, it will really open up.

Galleries

If you’re visiting an art gallery, respect the silence, avoid loud conversations, and don’t talk on your phone. Be observant about other visitors and don’t intrude on their personal space. Appreciate the work, but don’t lecture your companions. Keep strong opinions to yourself (“Call that art!”). Don’t ‘hog’ paintings or barge in front of other people and never, ever touch the exhibits.

Hotel Tips

On the basis that one unit is equivalent to a dollar, euro or pound, tip bellboys or porters one or two units per case as they leave the room. If the doorman calls a cab for you tip one or two units. Leave housekeeping five units for short stays (more for longer) – never give the money to reception, it probably won’t reach the correct pocket. If you call for room service, give two units for supper, one unit for drinks (the exception is the USA where they will have added a 15 or 17.5 per cent delivery charge already).

Ironing Shirts

The sequence of collar, cuff, sleeve, yokes, back and lastly, the front is recommended. The shirt should be damp (preferably from the wash), unbuttoned, with any collar stays removed. Iron the underside of the collar first, then the outside from the point of the collar to the centre. Cuffs should be ironed unbuttoned and unfolded; start with the inside first. Work sleeves from the top to the cuff. When ironing the yoke, fit it over the narrow end of the board. When ironing the front panels, work around the buttons and pay special attention to the panel with the buttonholes which will be on show when the shirt is worn.

Jet Lag

Beat jet lag by drinking plenty of water before, during and after flying. Set your watch to the same time as your destination as you board and try to sleep accordingly – early morning flights that land at night tend to be less popular and you might be able to spread out and sleep. Don’t drink caffeine before the flight and don’t drink alcohol on board. Whatever your destination, try not to go to bed before 10pm. Eat minimally during the flight – food will leave you bloated and unable to drop off.

Kissing, Social

As a general rule, don’t kiss colleagues or clients, though it is becoming more common, so you will need to go with the flow, but remember two kisses can seem over the top in a professional environment. Usually go for the right cheek first but be prepared to change direction at the last minute – use humour to deflect embarrassment over the meet-in-the-middle mix-up. Cheek skin must make brief, light contact; avoid sound effects, air kissing and saliva traces.

Lace-Ups

There are multiple ways to lace a shoe, but there are three that are the most effective. The strongest, and best-looking, is to have the laces crossing parallel to one another. A basic criss-cross is also sturdy, though it doesn’t tend to look quite as good. A more stylish option is to criss-cross- the laces over the top, and then feed them up and underneath the eyelets, rather than across the tongue. Laces, generally, should be of the same colour as the shoe.

Moths

Protect wool and cashmere from moths by putting cedar blocks in your drawers and wardrobe. Small bunches of dried lavenders also deter moths. Make sure knitwear is clean before it’s put away and store for longer periods – such as the summer months – in sealed containers.

Napkins

Unfold your napkin (never ‘serviette’) and place it in your lap before you start eating. It’s not there to act as a catch-all solution to messy manners, so never tuck it into your shirt collar. It’s okay to occasionally dab the corners of your mouth, if necessary, but avoid grand side-to-side wiping gestures. When you have finished eating, place your napkin, unfolded, beside your plate.

Onions, Chopping

Hold the onion on its root end and cut vertically in half. Working from the top to the root, peel off the papery layers. Trim the pointed end, but not the root. Place on the board cut side down and make a series of parallel cuts that stop just short of the root. Then make a series of cuts across the onion at right angles to the earlier cuts, right up to the root. The diced flesh will fall away – the finer your slices, the finer the dice.

Port

Port is a sweet, fortified wine from the Douro region of Portugal. Bottle-aged port spends little time in a cask. Cask-aged ports mature in wooden barrels until they are ready to drink. It is a wine to be laid down, as a cask-aged port that spends two years in a barrel will last 20-40 years in a bottle. In formal situations a port decanter will be placed on the table. You should help yourself then pass it on, always to the left. The tradition of passing the port originates from naval dinners where the port was always passed ‘port to port’ around the table, ie to the left.

Qigong

Qigong (or Chi Kung) is an excellent form of exercise for men who want to move beyond the merely physical, who prioritise clarity of thought and improved mental focus. It combines meditation with exercise and is based on correcting the flow of energy that runs through the body. Most variations tend to involve breathing techniques, moving exercises, still postures and mental training. It is particularly good for correcting posture and mental discipline.

Record Collections

There is no technical proof of the sonic superiority of vinyl compared to CDs. However, what the two formats say about you is perhaps more important. CDs are functional and convenient; vinyl, on the other hand, points to a man who appreciates the art-form in his hand – from the seductive black grooves of the record to the attention to detail in the cover artwork itself. And running your fingers through a shop’s record racks always beats browsing online.

Stag-dos

The groom should never pay. While it is traditional to humiliate the groom, exercise some restraint and go for a light-hearted option – you do not want the wedding to be called off because of a disastrous mishap. If you’re organising a stag-do, subtly find out the budget of members of the party – don’t propose going abroad if no one can afford it. Always check if your chosen venue allows stag parties – many don’t. Never arrange the stag-do for the night before the wedding.

Tailors

Never say to a tailor: “You’re the expert, go off and make me a suit”. They will make something they like, but which you may not. If you don’t know exactly what you want, at least know what you don’t want. Don’t ask for something they don’t do; a traditional Savile Row tailor is unlikely to be too wacky. It is important to be flexible. Just because you have your heart set on a certain style it doesn’t mean it’s right for you. Once you have found a tailor you like, stick with him; it takes time to build up another relationship.

Underwear

The only person who should know who your underwear is made by is you, so keep your waistband to yourself. You aren’t a rapper; trousers should cover your underwear. If you are wearing just boxers, remove your socks immediately.

VIP Areas

Usually overrated and underwhelming, VIP areas rarely attract true VIPS and often lack the buzz and atmosphere of the rest of the venue. If, however, you are lucky enough to find yourself closeted with some recognisable faces, don’t act overly impressed. Never try to take a photo, no matter how subtle you think you are being, and don’t stare.

Waistcoats

Three-piece suits are less common these days but can still look good. With the coat off, a waistcoat gives your upper half structure as it works in a similar way to a corset. A waistcoat lengthens the body – it allows you to wear a flattering fabric from neck to toe – so works well on larger men or those with shorter legs. Waistcoats should have six or seven buttons, but the lowest should always be left undone.

X-Rated

Different people will have different parameters for what constitutes acceptable viewing, reading and conversational material. A true gentleman will always err on the side of caution and will stick to safe topic and inoffensive language until he has judged his companions’ tolerance.

Yachts

If you’re invited on a sailing trip, pack light and use soft luggage (storage space is limited). Always bring a spare set of everything as there’s a good chance you’ll get wet. Never wear leather-soled or hard shoes; always wear plimsolls, trainers or deck shoes. Ask for permission to board before stepping from the shore. Noise travels on the water, so keep your opinions about your neighbours’ attire to yourself. Never throw anything overboard and never argue with the captain.

Zips

If you notice someone has their flies undone, embark on the path of minimal embarrassment and remember discretion is critical. If you are on friendly terms, take them to one side and let them know. If, on the other hand, you are hoping they will become a business associate, it may be wise to keep your lips sealed and your eyes firmly above belt level. If someone draws attention to your own zip, trust that they have your best interests at heart and are not trying to humiliate you. Smile confidentially and thank them for saving you any further embarrassment.

Click here to purchase a copy of The Debrett's Guide for the Modern Gentleman

Here are some nuggets of wisdom from our upcoming publication, the Debrett’s Guide for the Modern Gentleman.

We’ve looked at potential pitfalls, occasions when gentlemanly good manners can easily be taken over by arrogance, boorishness, ostentatiousness or competitiveness. After all, being a perfect modern gentleman is all about controlling your more basic instincts and projecting an air of relaxed and civilised ease:

Being Patronising

Do you feel an irresistible urge to correct people who you perceive to be wrong? Do you often preface your sentences with the following: “Technically”, “In actual fact”, “I think you’ll find”, “Obviously”?

If you feel compelled to interrupt conversations, interjecting your opinion and taking over, oryou tend to assume that most people are less intelligent than you, you are probably coming across as patronising.

•Learn to listen

If you actually take the time to really hear what people are saying to you, you might realise that there are signs of intelligent, well-informed life out there.

•Practise humility

If somebody compliments you, don’t complacently take it as your due; try and show genuine pleasure and thank them warmly. You will soon find that being self-deprecating is a good way of winning friends and admirers.

•Don’t hog the credit

It’s not all about you, and you will come across as much less pleased with yourself and self-satisfied if you openly acknowledge the role other people have played in your success.

•Don’t make assumptions

Under-estimating people, assuming they’re ignorant or belittling their experience, capacity and expertise will expose your arrogance and lead you into very dangerous waters.

Savoir-Faire

You may take pride in your savoir-faire, revelling in your worldliness, social contacts and access to exclusive haunts. But be warned:  it will count for nothing if you’re unable to demonstrate your finesse in social situations where you are interacting with other people.

•Perfect the art of conversation

Strike a balance between talking and listening and pick up threads to create a multilayered conversation. 

•Ask questions

There is a fine line between interest and intrusion. Familiarity comes with time, so be aware of unspoken barriers.

•Be vigilant

Observe the people around you and put their comfort ahead of your own. That means making sure they are seated, warm, supplied with refreshments.

•Stay calm

Be phlegmatic in the face of adversity and don’t fly off the handle when things go wrong. A calm demeanour always makes other people feel at ease.

•Don’t blow your own trumpet

The ability to conceal bombastic pride, superiority and self-satisfaction is a sure sign of social success in Britain. It takes great reserves of good luck and natural ability to rise to the position where you are confident enough to adopt an air of ironic self-deprecation and downplay your attributes.

•Don’t be a bore

Long, rambling anecdotes that go nowhere, mini-lectures on subjects in which your listeners have no interest, or yawn-inducing self-obsession, are all signs of bores. If your conversation is a broadcast, rather than a dialogue, you will soon find yourself socially blackballed.

Gamesmanship

Gamesmanship – the art of winning unfairly at sport without actually cheating – is simply embarrassing, especially when amateur enthusiasts ape the less attractive attitudes of professionals. The histrionic questioning of line calls, the hectoring and haranguing of the referees, the taunting and goading of opponents … Is winning really that important?

•Be gracious in defeat

Deploy good manners and congratulate your opponents on effective play and accept the decisions of the referee with good grace.

•Show a brave face

Smile warmly, and steadfastly refuse to whine, argue or sulk. Your stoical demeanour reveals that you are a civilised human being, who has learnt to control their baser, more primitive – and less than attractive – instincts.

•Enjoy the competition

Applaud and admire skill, finesse and breathtaking talent wherever you encounter it, even if it’s from the opposition.

•Never indulge in gloating

Whooping with delight, strutting triumphantly, aping the celebrations of professional footballers, is not a good look, especially when you are playing a ‘friendly’ game of tiddlywinks.

•Don’t cheat

Profiting from an unfair advantage, covering up an unjust act, or intimidating opponents by words or body language are all prime examples of gamesmanship, which is the antithesis of good sportsmanship.

Gentlemanly Hosting

You may have put a lot of money and thought into your home décor: state-of-the-art electronic equipment, the latest flatscreen TV, collectable furniture and fittings.  But there is a danger that it will become a sterile showcase rather than a home.

•Offer hospitality

The more people you invite round to occupy your sacred space the more comfortable it will feel. The atmosphere of your home will be vastly improved by the positive associations that successful hospitality creates.

•Don’t show off

When people visit, resist the temptation to give them a full house tour, complete with long-winded explanations of furniture quests, modern art discoveries, junk shop finds. If your guests like what they see, they will compliment you  – there’s no need to belabour the point.

•Don’t panic

If your guests’ possessions clutter pristine spaces or they spill red wine on your white carpet, remind yourself that there is always a solution and concentrate on reassuring, not reproaching, them.

•Know your limits

Match your menu to your skill set and do not attempt haute cuisine unless you have proven culinary credentials. Chopping vegetables, assembling marinades, making a pudding and starter ahead of time, will all pay dividends. You will make cooking the most complex meal look easy, which always impresses.

•Aim to please

Remember that not everyone will appreciate mind-blowing spice or nose-to-tail eating. Don’t turn into a crusader for your own gourmet preferenes; remember the aim is to indulge your guests and ensure that they are satisfied.

Travelling Well

If you’re visiting other countries or tourist hotspots, think about the ways in which you can get the best of the experience without imposing on, or inconveniencing, your hosts:

•Learn some key phrases

Take the trouble to learn a few phrases in the local language – you should certainly learn basics like ‘Good morning’, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. It will demonstrate your willingness to respect local life and culture.

•Be observant

Respect the residents by taking your eyes off the maps, the app on your phone or your tour guide and observing the people around you. Are you blocking the street to resident pedestrians? Have you stood stock still to get a good photograph, causing a pile-up behind you? Are you causing an obstruction or hindrance?

•Pay compliments

Be complimentary to local residents about the beauty of their city or countryside. Asking advice about local delicacies and expressing delight about local produce or customs, are all good ways of showing the positive face of tourism.

•Exercise self-restraint

Don’t see the anonymity of being a tourist in a foreign land as a chance to let your hair down and behave with uninhibited abandon, ignoring cultural expectations and local rules and regulations.

•Show some respect

Talking loudly and slowly in your own language in the mistaken belief that it will somehow become magically comprehensible is not only bad manners, it is also extremely stupid. Never make entitled demands, only ever make polite requests and always thank residents effusively for any help they offer.

Click here to order a copy of Debrett’s Guide for the Modern Gentleman

For many newly-engaged couples, who are embarking on the task of planning and organising their wedding, compiling the all-iimportant guest list is the first hurdle. Navigating each other’s dreams and fantasies, parental expectations, and complex social dynamics can put an emotional strain on couples, but solutions can be found to even the most testing invitation dilemmas.

By the time you are ready to draw up a guest list, you may have attended dozens of friends’ and family members’ weddings and parties. The process of choosing guests, however, is not about returning favours. You should actively want guests to be there, and anyone whose friendship has lapsed, or who might attend with anything but the best of sentiments, should be considered with caution.

Traditional Guest List Etiquette

Traditionally, in a situation where the wedding was organised and paid for by the bride’s parents, the bride’s mother would send out the invitations. These days, when weddings are organised and financed in a myriad different ways, it is much more common for the couple to take on the responsibility themselves. The person financing the majority of the wedding may expect to have more influence, which is why it is important to have clear and open discussions at an early stage to manage expectations.

Courtesy invitations should be sent out to guests who will be unable to attend, for example due to illness or living overseas.

The best man, all bridesmaids and pages and parents (except any parents who are doing the inviting) should receive a formal invitation as a matter of courtesy. If the person conducting the wedding ceremony is to attend the reception, he or she should also receive an invitation.

Think Carefully About Your Priorities

The budget and venue size will determine the number of guests. If you have your heart set on a destination wedding venue abroad, accept the fact that you will realistically only be able to invite the ‘top tier’ of guests, and only people very close to you or family members will be able to contemplate the expense and time involved in attending your wedding.

If surrounding yourself with a large crowd of people is much more your style, accept that you might have to make compromises when it comes to your venue. The bijou country house hotel with the garden of your dreams might be far too small for your guest expectations and you will need to decide what is most important to you.

It is sensible to talk through these questions at the outset, before you even begin to compile your list. Once you have decided on the number of guests you can both afford and accommodate, stick to your guns. It is always tempting to slip in extra invitations, or bend your own rules, but if you do so you will find the whole affair is slipping out of control.

Navigating Parental Expectations

If parents are making a substantial contribution to the cost of the wedding, they may well feel that they have a right to ask guests of their own (perhaps friends of theirs who have known you since you were a small child). You will need to discuss this at the outset; as always, a compromise solution is the most sensible, such as agreeing that they can be allocated a certain number of invitations to hand out themselves. This sort of agreement does not need to be restricted to cash-contributing parents, you may want to do it in any case.

It is important, however, that you tactfully establish from the outset that this is primarily your event; you do not want your wedding to be swamped by large numbers of parental invitees or distant relations and you certainly do not want to forfeit your own guests to accommodate parental expectations. Just remember that making a few concessions always eases this type of negotiation.

However, you will also have to bear in mind that certain families and cultures place great emphasis on including large numbers of family guests in wedding celebrations, and going against those expectations might cause a rift. Try and be as diplomatic as possible and, if necessary, be prepared to explain why you consider certain non-family guests essential.

In all these cases, difficulties can be solved by prioritising guests. You can invite ‘top tier’ guests to participate in the whole day – the ceremony, reception, evening party. Guests who do not fall into this category can be invited to post-ceremony celebrations – just add an explanation to the invitation, eg: ‘Owing to the small size of St John’s Church it is possible to ask only very few guests to the service. We hope you will forgive this invitation being to the reception only’.

It is never acceptable to invite a guest to the wedding ceremony but not to the reception.

Compiling the List

Start by compiling a draft wish list, adding every person that might possibly be invited. You can then shave this down until you have settled on a realistic number of guests. Keep a record of how those names that did not make the final count to act as a reserve guest list.

Family should come first. If one of you has a much larger family, an equal split might not be possible, and if both families are large, the number of friends on the guest list may have to be a reduced. If there is a marked discrepancy between family size, the bride or groom who has the much smaller list of family invitees should be allowed to compensate by asking more friends.

Keep a record of those you have invited and their responses as they come in. If you receive refusals you can send invitations to those on the reserve list. It’s fine to send out a second wave of invitations as long as you still leave plenty of notice (at least two months before the wedding). You don’t want a late invitation to look like an afterthought.

It can be helpful to manage your guest list by recording invitations sent and responses on a spreadsheet. You can also use this document to record any special dietary requests, or other salient details. It will make managing the event much easier.

Plus Ones

Consider whether or not you want to invite partners of guests. There is no general rule, but if the guest is married or in an established, long-term relationship, his or her spouse or partner should be invited. Otherwise, and especially if you have not met the partner of the guest in question, it is usually acceptable not to invite them. If you do decide this, communicate it clearly to the guests, pleading logical constraints, desire for an intimate wedding etc.

Try and be consistent. The one exception to this might be a guest who does not know anybody, who you feel would enjoy the day much more if he/she were able to bring a partner. However, bear in mind that these circumstances can usually be alleviated by asking other guests to make a special effort to be sociable.

Note that, when inviting partners, the use of the words ‘and guest’ after a guest’s name should be avoided if at all possible – try to establish names, including surnames.

Children

You will need to decide at the outset if you are going to allow guests to bring children. Remember that if children are to be included you will need to make special catering provision for them and you will also need to put some thought into entertaining them (games, colouring books, employing a ‘nanny’ for the day etc). If you wish to embrace the whole concept of a multi-generational gathering and you would like children to attend, add their names to the invitation, to avoid ambiguity.

If, on the other hand, you would like an adults-only wedding, that is absolutely fine, but you must make it clear when you send out the invitations. Explain your reasons (limited space is always an acceptable excuse) and if there are to be exceptions (eg close family members, bridesmaids, pages), explain that as well so that you do not cause resentment on the day.

Don‘t Feel Guilty

Compiling a guest list is always hard and for most people will involve many compromises. Don’t feel bad about the sacrifices you have to make – they’re an inevitable part of the wedding planning process. If you feel concerned that you have had to leave out certain people you can always suggest getting together for a celebratory dinner before or after the event.

When organising the event and inviting them, it is a good idea to deal with the non-appearance of a wedding invitation head on. You can say something like ‘As you’re aware, Tom and I are getting married on Saturday 19th July. Due to the size of the wedding and reception venue, we have had to restrict our guest numbers. We would dearly love to celebrate with you, however, and would be delighted if you could join us for drinks and dinner on….’

Restaurant culture in the UK is changing and some beleaguered chefs and restaurant owners are beginning to ask themselves the question: Is the customer always right? The world of online reviews is now shaping people’s restaurant experience and is certainly influencing how dining choices are made. The fact that a restaurant’s reputation can be demolished by a few seconds of malign keyboard tapping is changing the power balance, sometimes to everyone’s detriment.

There was a time when certain notorious gourmet chefs ruled the roost: customers’ food choices were questioned, special dietary requests were derided and a plea for salt and pepper was snootily denied. This was far from ideal, but with the increasing prevalence of online reviews and reputation management, the ball is now securely back in the customers’ court.

Many restaurateurs are reporting that customers are becoming increasingly stroppy. They are angry that the restaurant in real life does not match up to its website or Instagram images. They are annoyed that they have not been adequately warned about bus lanes, parking restrictions, and one-ways streets around the venue (not in the restaurant’s control). They are enraged by any discrepancies between online menus and the food that is served on the night. They criticise everything from décor and ambience to music and waiting staff.

It is theorised that some of this hyper-criticism is brought on by the rising costs of restaurant meals. As eating out becomes more expensive, some customers become more demanding, seeing the slightest disappointment as a persuasive argument for a refund or compensatory dish.

This hyper-critical tendency is much more damaging when it is taken online and disseminated to the wider world. While nobody would argue that restaurants are beyond criticism, it is important to distinguish between feeling a bit disappointed and feeling justifiably outraged by poor service and inedible, over-priced food.

We’ve looked at both sides of the equation – the customers and the restaurants – and have arrived at the following recommendations:

Restaurant Customers

•Accept reality

Don’t build up a complete set of expectations based on a restaurant’s online presence. Photos can be carefully curated, friends might post positive reviews, customer endorsements are highly selective. We’ve all got a tendency to over-research online and put too much faith in online reviews; sometimes it’s much more effective to peer in a restaurant window, look at the menu, smell the cooking aromas, or politely accost an exiting customer and ask their opinion.

•Keep an open mind

Relish the actual experience, rather than focusing on the ways it is different from your expectations. The décor or menu might be different from the online photos, for example, but consider it on its own terms and be prepared to concede that it works well or is even preferable.

•Analyse your criticism

Sometimes you will find yourself disappointed by a meal, but this is not the fault of the restaurant. It is because you have not chosen wisely, and you may find yourself regretting your choice and feeling jealous of your companions’ meals. If this is the case, you really cannot blame the restaurant – every order you make is a leap of faith; you read the menu description, ask the waiter, think about the ingredients and then take the plunge. You must accept that this process does not always pay off.

•Does your criticism still stand?

If you stand by your criticism and feel that the meal is disappointing because it is poorly cooked, ill-conceived, stingy when it comes to ingredients, overpriced, not the right temperature (the list goes on), you now have a choice. Do you follow the (very British) policy of smiling agreeably when asked if you have enjoyed your meal, while all the time you are contemplating a devastating online review? If this is the case, think carefully before proceeding.

•Can you offer constructive criticism?

Before you take the online route, consider politely conveying your criticism to the waiter. A legitimate critique of a dish is invaluable to a restaurateur; they will understand why you are not entirely satisfied with the meal and will be able to take remedial action. They need considered, rational feedback and will only benefit from it. If you are polite and convey your criticism in a way that sounds helpful, not merely peevish, they will welcome it.

•Do you really need a wider audience?

Consider the downsides of the megaphone approach to criticism. You may well feel that your meal did not come up to expectations, but you must think carefully about whether your criticisms are peculiar to you, or universally applicable. Swamping the internet with negativity is a good way of venting anger and frustration, but do you really want to ruin someone’s business because of something that might be trivial and, more importantly, soluble?

•Is it a hopeless case?

There will inevitably be circumstances when you are outraged by a restaurant. Perhaps you have even complained and have not been satisfied by the response. Maybe the evening has been a chapter of mishaps – from poor service to inedible food, arguments over the bill, and so on. If you think all these shortcomings are an ingrained party of the restaurant culture, rather than an unfortunate night when everything went pear-shaped, then you are justified in leaving a critical online review, for the simple reason that you do not want other people to experience the same problems.  

Restaurant Management

•Are you responsible?

If your customers are berating you for circumstances that are beyond your control (eg noisy building work, obstructive roadworks or draconian parking rules outside your restaurant), you really cannot be held accountable, nor should you be. Apologise as graciously as possible, express your regrets – it’s all you can do.

•Are the criticisms valid?

Some customers will inevitably criticise you for omissions, rather than for what you actually provide. They will be cross that you do not make adequate provision for gluten or lactose intolerant diners or offer enough vegan alternatives. If you are assailed with this sort of criticism, politely point out that your menu reflects what is on offer, and while you will do your best to accommodate your customer’s needs, you are focusing on your speciality dishes. You can always agree with the customer that this could be made clearer online or in the menu and leave it at that – no single restaurant can be expected to accommodate the wide range of dietary preferences and prohibitions that play such an important role in modern food culture.

If a customer goes to the trouble of rationally criticising the food, whether it is online or in person, and explaining why they found it disappointing, you should treat them with respect, acknowledge the criticism and reassure them that you will be addressing it in the future. This is invaluable feedback and will only help you to improve. It goes without saying that criticisms of the service should be immediately addressed with your staff.

•Follow up

If you do encounter negative reviews online, follow them up. Sometimes privately messaging the customer, and engaging in a dialogue with them, can be very productive

•Stay polite

There are reports that some restaurateurs are taking an increasingly hard line with recalcitrant customers. Their frustration is understandable, and it is obviously difficult to run a business when they feel they are being assaulted on all sides, sometimes by people who are just trying it on. But following the adage, the customer is always right, is always advisable. Restaurants are offering a service and keeping the customers happy is central to that mission. Most customers will be reasonable and understanding – it would be a great shame to let a few negative outliers destroy that precious trust.