For many of us Christmas is a daunting juggling act. It involves hospitality, large-scale catering, present giving. It also embraces a slew of emotions and challenges, from managing expectations and dealing with disappointment to gloating, complacency and over-excitement. By any standards, it is a potential etiquette minefield, requiring reserves of empathy, tact and diplomacy. How are you going to handle the Christmas season?
We’ve come up with ten indispensable Christmas recommendations, which should stand you in good stead if you’re hosting this year:
It’s easy at this time of year to get carried away by all the Christmas hype: decorations abound, Christmas songs are playing, adverts depict perfect family festivities. While of course it is natural to want to lay on the best Christmas possible, do remind yourself that much of the Christmas build-up is about marketing hype and that your emotions are being manipulated. Don’t set yourself an impossibly high bar, just focus on what is possible and do the best you can.
We are increasingly having to accept that we’re all welded to our mobiles and liable to consult them whenever there’s a slack moment. Many of us are avid users of social media and will be itching to post about Christmas Day to all our followers. Some members of our family won’t be able to be with us, and we will want to communicate with them by text or video call.
So, there are circumstances in which mobile use can be tolerated on Christmas Day, but there are also times, eg the Christmas meal, when you might find an inability to leave the mobile alone enraging. You don’t want to snap on Christmas Day itself and end up having an argument with a recalcitrant teenager or an Instagram-addicted guest. So, if you fear your guests might be digitally transgressive, it’s always a good idea to give them some warning, even if it’s just a text beforehand along the lines of ‘We’ll be eating our Christmas dinner at 2pm and just to warn you I’m banning all phones from the table for the duration of the meal!”. Given what you’re putting yourself through as a host, they can hardly object.
We all know that Christmas is an ultra-expensive time of year, demanding heroic feats of catering and hospitality. If you’re hosting for Christmas, you may be feeling that you have taken on a herculean task. You might also be fretting at the strain that Christmas hospitality will put on your household budget. In these straitened times, it’s quite acceptable to confront this issue head on.
Most people will find asking guests for a financial contribution very awkward, especially at a time of year when generous and hospitality is prioritised. So, if you feel you need some help with Christmas hospitality, you might find it much easier to ask guests for actual contributions (eg wine, champagne, aperitifs or digestifs, a cheese board, a side of smoked salmon). If you ask well in advance if they wouldn’t mind helping you out and specify clearly what you would like them to provide, most people will be quite relieved. We all know that Christmas hospitality is onerous and expensive and want to make a useful contribution. When you ask your guests to bring something don’t feel that you must go into long-winded explanations about the expense of Christmas catering or your strained Christmas budget – that will make the whole transaction feel awkward. Just say “I was wondering if you’d mind bringing some xxxxxxxx on Christmas Day? That would really be a great help.”
If you are a guest, you can ease any awkwardness and pre-empt putting the host in an embarrassing position by asking well in advance about Christmas contributions. Just say to your host “Is there anything particular you’d like us to bring? If you give a couple of examples of possible contributions, that will indicate that you are thinking of something more generous than the standard bottle of wine, eg “Perhaps you’d like some cheese and salmon or some cognac and whisky etc”. Or you could offer to take responsibility for all the Christmas wine and say “I could order a mixed case of wine for Christmas”.
You may have taken on the role of Christmas host willingly of have had it thrust upon you, but once you have agreed to do it, you should accept that you have taken on certain responsibilities and do your best to fulfil them, without complaining or passive-aggressive signals (sighing, muttering, sulking).
If you begin to feel over-stretched, enlist the help of your guests. Hand out tasks and run operations, with military operation, from your kitchen headquarters. Never feel bad about involving your guests; most of them will be glad to help and would certainly rather make a contribution than having to endure your resentment.
Christmas entertaining often involves a whole range of generations, which brings particular pleasures and challenges. This is certainly the case with older guests, who may find the prospect of being away from home or spending an entire day en fête with a lively, over-excited family somewhat daunting.
Firstly, ensure that they are warm and comfortable. Christmas is not the time to stint on heating, but if you’re on a real economy drive make sure your older guests are seated next to the radiator or fire and supply hot water bottles and warm wraps. Pace the day to ensure that there are lots of breaks for cups of tea and opportunities for older guests to take time out from the maelstrom – ideally, create a separate space where they can enjoy a cup of tea and quiet chat. Give them opportunities to bow out when it all gets too much – whether they want to go to their room for a napor enjoy a Christmas movie in peace.
Relentlessly dragging all your guests into group activities, regardless of their age, energy level or disposition, will lead to frustration and short fuses. Give everyone the space to make their own choices.
We all have Christmas rituals, many dating back to our own childhood, which have been endlessly repeated until they become absolutely engrained. It’s wonderful to respect tradition, but sometimes it’s a good idea to ring the changes, especially as families develop and change over the time. Small, over-excited children become silent, headphone-wearing phone-wielding teenagers; children grow up and bring new partners into the household; parents become older and more infirm.
Stubbornly insisting that every Christmas is an exact reproduction of all the Christmases that have gone before is a recipe for disappointment. Take stock of Christmas every year and note what still works (eg a family game of Charades) and old habits that really aren’t still sustainable (eg a family walk in the park). Change your expectations accordingly and accept that Christmas is always evolving.
Embrace last-minute additions to your table with warmth and hospitality. If a stray friend or lonely acquaintance is suddenly suggested as a late Christmas addition, take it in your stride. When you are offering a substantial Christmas meal, numbers are never so much of an issue. Most people over-cater for Christmas and extra mouths to feed do not present a major challenge.
Prepare yourself for surprise guests by always having some back-up generic presents in reserve (drink, chocolates, toiletries, or quirky craft items that you’ve bought at the local Christmas fair). That way, you’ll always be able to make your late addition feel doubly welcome by having a present ready for them.
For some of us, the exchange of presents is the main event on Christmas Day, while many people will be anxious to get the whole business over and done with and move on to the Christmas aperitif.
Nevertheless, if you are going to exchange presents (even a streamlined version), do it properly. Gather everyone together and take it slowly, so that each giver has the opportunity to see the recipient open the present and is also able to accept gracious thanks.
Children’s natural tendency is to rip through their presents at an alarming speed, agog to see their Christmas booty. Try to restrain this untrammelled greed; they need to learn to control their baser instincts, and acknowledge each gift in turn.
As a host you cannot control your guests’ reactions to their presents, but it is to be hoped that they have the courtesy to appear delighted by whatever they receive, no matter how mundane, and are able to offer effusive thanks, even if they are disappointed. These simple acts of politeness are the least we should expect.
Christmas is, above all, a group celebration, so leave your personal dramas and preoccupations at the door and if you’ve got a big announcement (marriage, pregnancy, illness), wait until after Christmas day before you spread the news.
Christmas only happens once a year and, as far as possible, the day should be kept sacrosanct. It is an opportunity to take time out from normal life and enjoy in a day of indulgence and treats with friends and family. So, turn the attention away from yourself and find pleasure in focusing on other people.
Charles Dickens is often attributed with ‘inventing’ Christmas, most notably in A Christmas Carol, in which a loving, but poor, family triumphs and melts the stone-cold heart of the archetypical miser, Ebeneezer Scrooge.
The Christmas values Dickens discusses in this work have come to be seen as the ‘Christmas spirit’ –friendliness, warmth, good humour, positivity, generosity. We all know that it is sometimes very hard to maintain these feelings, especially when guests are mean or thoughtless, when we have run up Christmas debts, when our children’s shrill excitement and endless reserves of energy is beginning to get on our nerves.
But, as with all good manners, relentlessly adhering to positive codes of behaviour has an impact on the people around you and tends to attract reciprocal courtesy. So, plaster a smile on your face, be attentive to people’s needs, listen to what people are saying, don’t dominate the conversation, and you too will have a truly Dickensian Christmas.
Top: The Cratchits' Christmas dinner in Dickens's A Christmas Carol, illustrated by E. A. Abbey, 1876
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