The build-up to Mother’s Day has become increasingly intense and protracted. The card and flowers option (beloved by many mothers) is being edged out and superseded by an ever-growing range of gift ‘suggestions’, from personalised kitchenware to seriously expensive fashion items. Restaurants and pubs are going into overdrive with their Mother’s Day offerings, and it is becoming hard to escape this ‘special’ day.

In a world where sentiment is commodified and commercial offerings and slick marketing rule the roost, it is sometimes difficult to follow your own path and, more importantly, be sensitive to your mother’s preferences.

Mother’s Day offers a spectrum of possibilities, from the low-key and simple to the over-blown and mind-bendingly expensive. The question is, what is expected of you? And how can you avoid embarrassing let-downs, disappointment and resentment?

Mother’s Day Opt Outs

The first, and most salient, point is that Mother’s Day is not for everyone. It is a time that can be extremely painful for some of us, a reminder of loss, estrangement, and bereavement. Like many family-oriented festivals, it can highlight feelings of isolation and depression. Some companies are sensitive to this issue and are even pausing their relentless campaign of commercial promotions, to ask recipients if they want to opt out of Mother’s Day promotions.

If you are opting out because the day is painful for whatever reason, it is sensible to let the people close to you know, ensuring that you will not be bombarded with tactless reminders. Anywhere offering a Mother’s Day promotion is probably best avoided on the day itself, and if possible, gathering like-minded people, who are also ignoring the big day, will make it much less painful. An ‘alternative’ outing, such as a country walk, visit to an exhibition, or trip to the cinema, should brush away any of the cobwebs and leave you feeling much more cheerful.

Of course, if Mother’s Day has no relevance or significance to you, it will not have impinged on you in any way. But bear in mind that not everyone will be feeling equally insouciant, so be alert to friends who have suffered a loss or bereavement and be ready to offer your company or support.

Mother’s Day Gifters

The most important rule for those of us who are celebrating the day with our mothers is to observe and respect the family culture. You might have been brought up by an austere and moderate mother, who decries the commercial palaver and nostalgically recalls the home-made cards and hand-tied posies of your childhood. If this is the case, you would be wise to rein in your more extravagant impulses. Remember, the day is not all about lavish gifts; think about simply spending some quality time with your mother, eating a meal together, cooking for her, or taking her out. At the very least send her a card with a heartfelt message and make time to have a chat on the phone.

Some families leapfrog exuberantly from celebration to celebration. They have barely left behind the joys of Valentine’s Day and Shrove Tuesday and are already contemplating Mother’s Day with gleeful anticipation. If your family falls into this category, you will be aware that the bar is probably set quite high. You will need to think carefully about your gift – recalling past triumphs and disasters, both for you and your siblings, is a good place to start. Remember Mother’s Day is about treating your mother, so do not fall into the trap of buying her something that is utilitarian and functional (unless she stoutly resists all luxurious fripperies).

You will also have to think carefully, and perhaps confer closely with other members of your family, about the day itself. This will probably involve gathering as many family members as possible together, and organising a treat, outing, or special lunch. The emphasis throughout is on indulging your mother, and not making arrangements that will involve any effort or hard work on her part – descending, along with your numerous siblings, on your mother for Sunday lunch might be a convivial occasion, but it will certainly be hard work for her. If in doubt, consult your mother beforehand – not everyone wants to be taken by surprise, and some mothers will enjoy their day much more if they have input into the planning.

Some of us will find ourselves in a situation where we are organising Mother’s Day for someone who is not actually our mother. This might be our stepmother, mother-in-law, or even a mother figure, who we want to acknowledge and thank. The same considerations apply, even if you find yourself somewhat reluctantly helping your children to buy gifts for their own stepmother. Families come in many configurations, and if you’re going to acknowledge the day, you must make sure you do so properly, and do not insult these more peripheral mothers with scant regards and afterthought presents (beware garage forecourt flowers!).

Mother’s Day Recipients

This is a day when mothers really must nail their colours to the mast. Many mothers protest that they think nothing of Mother’s Day, condemning it as merely a commercial construct; yet, when gifts and treats are not forthcoming, they feel short-changed and insulted. This is not fair on your children, who have not unnaturally taken their cue from you, and are not to know that you secretly crave indulgence and recognition.

If you feel that your children are not tapping into your secret desires, one way of getting the message across is to take your partner into your confidence. They can have a subtle word in the children’s ear, chivvy them along, and ensure that the day is suitably celebratory.

If you are fortunate enough to be showered with gifts and thoroughly indulged on Mother’s Day, think carefully before deluging your friends with breathless, and possibly gloating, accounts (and photos) of your special day. Comparisons are odious and some of your fellow-mothers may be feeling disappointed or disillusioned by the whole proceeding – in these circumstances your glowing reports are somewhat tactless. It is better to keep your delight to yourself, and only to talk about it when directly questioned.

Make sure you thank your children warmly for all they have done. You may feel that it is no more than your due, but the fact is not all mothers are treated with consideration on this special day, and if you are lucky enough to have children who have made an effort, it should be recognised and appreciated.