Here are some nuggets of wisdom from our upcoming publication, the Debrett’s Guide for the Modern Gentleman.

We’ve looked at potential pitfalls, occasions when gentlemanly good manners can easily be taken over by arrogance, boorishness, ostentatiousness or competitiveness. After all, being a perfect modern gentleman is all about controlling your more basic instincts and projecting an air of relaxed and civilised ease:

Being Patronising

Do you feel an irresistible urge to correct people who you perceive to be wrong? Do you often preface your sentences with the following: “Technically”, “In actual fact”, “I think you’ll find”, “Obviously”?

If you feel compelled to interrupt conversations, interjecting your opinion and taking over, oryou tend to assume that most people are less intelligent than you, you are probably coming across as patronising.

•Learn to listen

If you actually take the time to really hear what people are saying to you, you might realise that there are signs of intelligent, well-informed life out there.

•Practise humility

If somebody compliments you, don’t complacently take it as your due; try and show genuine pleasure and thank them warmly. You will soon find that being self-deprecating is a good way of winning friends and admirers.

•Don’t hog the credit

It’s not all about you, and you will come across as much less pleased with yourself and self-satisfied if you openly acknowledge the role other people have played in your success.

•Don’t make assumptions

Under-estimating people, assuming they’re ignorant or belittling their experience, capacity and expertise will expose your arrogance and lead you into very dangerous waters.

Savoir-Faire

You may take pride in your savoir-faire, revelling in your worldliness, social contacts and access to exclusive haunts. But be warned:  it will count for nothing if you’re unable to demonstrate your finesse in social situations where you are interacting with other people.

•Perfect the art of conversation

Strike a balance between talking and listening and pick up threads to create a multilayered conversation. 

•Ask questions

There is a fine line between interest and intrusion. Familiarity comes with time, so be aware of unspoken barriers.

•Be vigilant

Observe the people around you and put their comfort ahead of your own. That means making sure they are seated, warm, supplied with refreshments.

•Stay calm

Be phlegmatic in the face of adversity and don’t fly off the handle when things go wrong. A calm demeanour always makes other people feel at ease.

•Don’t blow your own trumpet

The ability to conceal bombastic pride, superiority and self-satisfaction is a sure sign of social success in Britain. It takes great reserves of good luck and natural ability to rise to the position where you are confident enough to adopt an air of ironic self-deprecation and downplay your attributes.

•Don’t be a bore

Long, rambling anecdotes that go nowhere, mini-lectures on subjects in which your listeners have no interest, or yawn-inducing self-obsession, are all signs of bores. If your conversation is a broadcast, rather than a dialogue, you will soon find yourself socially blackballed.

Gamesmanship

Gamesmanship – the art of winning unfairly at sport without actually cheating – is simply embarrassing, especially when amateur enthusiasts ape the less attractive attitudes of professionals. The histrionic questioning of line calls, the hectoring and haranguing of the referees, the taunting and goading of opponents … Is winning really that important?

•Be gracious in defeat

Deploy good manners and congratulate your opponents on effective play and accept the decisions of the referee with good grace.

•Show a brave face

Smile warmly, and steadfastly refuse to whine, argue or sulk. Your stoical demeanour reveals that you are a civilised human being, who has learnt to control their baser, more primitive – and less than attractive – instincts.

•Enjoy the competition

Applaud and admire skill, finesse and breathtaking talent wherever you encounter it, even if it’s from the opposition.

•Never indulge in gloating

Whooping with delight, strutting triumphantly, aping the celebrations of professional footballers, is not a good look, especially when you are playing a ‘friendly’ game of tiddlywinks.

•Don’t cheat

Profiting from an unfair advantage, covering up an unjust act, or intimidating opponents by words or body language are all prime examples of gamesmanship, which is the antithesis of good sportsmanship.

Gentlemanly Hosting

You may have put a lot of money and thought into your home décor: state-of-the-art electronic equipment, the latest flatscreen TV, collectable furniture and fittings.  But there is a danger that it will become a sterile showcase rather than a home.

•Offer hospitality

The more people you invite round to occupy your sacred space the more comfortable it will feel. The atmosphere of your home will be vastly improved by the positive associations that successful hospitality creates.

•Don’t show off

When people visit, resist the temptation to give them a full house tour, complete with long-winded explanations of furniture quests, modern art discoveries, junk shop finds. If your guests like what they see, they will compliment you  – there’s no need to belabour the point.

•Don’t panic

If your guests’ possessions clutter pristine spaces or they spill red wine on your white carpet, remind yourself that there is always a solution and concentrate on reassuring, not reproaching, them.

•Know your limits

Match your menu to your skill set and do not attempt haute cuisine unless you have proven culinary credentials. Chopping vegetables, assembling marinades, making a pudding and starter ahead of time, will all pay dividends. You will make cooking the most complex meal look easy, which always impresses.

•Aim to please

Remember that not everyone will appreciate mind-blowing spice or nose-to-tail eating. Don’t turn into a crusader for your own gourmet preferenes; remember the aim is to indulge your guests and ensure that they are satisfied.

Travelling Well

If you’re visiting other countries or tourist hotspots, think about the ways in which you can get the best of the experience without imposing on, or inconveniencing, your hosts:

•Learn some key phrases

Take the trouble to learn a few phrases in the local language – you should certainly learn basics like ‘Good morning’, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. It will demonstrate your willingness to respect local life and culture.

•Be observant

Respect the residents by taking your eyes off the maps, the app on your phone or your tour guide and observing the people around you. Are you blocking the street to resident pedestrians? Have you stood stock still to get a good photograph, causing a pile-up behind you? Are you causing an obstruction or hindrance?

•Pay compliments

Be complimentary to local residents about the beauty of their city or countryside. Asking advice about local delicacies and expressing delight about local produce or customs, are all good ways of showing the positive face of tourism.

•Exercise self-restraint

Don’t see the anonymity of being a tourist in a foreign land as a chance to let your hair down and behave with uninhibited abandon, ignoring cultural expectations and local rules and regulations.

•Show some respect

Talking loudly and slowly in your own language in the mistaken belief that it will somehow become magically comprehensible is not only bad manners, it is also extremely stupid. Never make entitled demands, only ever make polite requests and always thank residents effusively for any help they offer.

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