In a world where many of us are swamped by digital communications, a tendency to simply not reply is becoming more normal. When it comes to requests or invitations, non-replies are now seen as a way of saying no, albeit a very rude one. Ghosting other people, greeting their every communication with a resounding, and paranoia-inducing silence, has become the default for many people. What is to be done?

Overwhelming Communication

The first defence of the most inveterate non-repliers is to plead digital overwhelm. As the number of channels for communicating multiply, many of us are juggling several different communication methods, which may also be divided into work and social options: email, text, WhatsApp, Slack, LinkedIn, various forms of social media – the list goes on. It is not surprising that our phones or computers can feel inundated with requests, demands and invitations.

People respond to this battery in very different ways. At one end of the spectrum are the organised individuals who feel affronted and alarmed by the endless red notifications on their menu bar and who deal with these emotions by making it a point of principle to reply to everything as soon as humanly possible. Of course, the rush to reply might in itself be dangerous, leading to impetuous decisions, over-commitment and badly thought-out responses. Sometimes allocating a little time for careful deliberation is the best policy.

At the other end of the spectrum are the avoiders and procrastinators. They see the incoming messages, register what is being asked of them, and decide to ‘think about it’ and reply later. Inevitably, these deferred emails, texts etc are instantly superseded by a whole new wave of incoming messages and frequently forgotten – hence the deafening silence.

Somewhere in the middle of the spectrum are the people who prioritise. They recognise that not all incoming messages are equal: some can instantly be deleted and ignored; some can be answered easily and immediately and got out of the way; some require more careful deliberation. The trick is keeping track of the latter category. These people are rarely the recipients of ‘follow up’ messages of the ‘I was wondering if you’d had a chance to think about my suggestion….’ variety. When you find yourself receiving lots of these messages it is a sure sign that you are turning into a problem.

Commitment Phobia

Much of this behaviour may be caused by some people’s fear of commitment. A simple invitation or request might throw them into an agony of indecision as they weigh the pros and cons, inevitably leading them to defer the decision.

The inability to refuse is also a major stumbling block for non-repliers. They are asked to do something or attend a social event and their instinct is that they do not want to comply. But they cannot think of a way of politely framing a negative response, so they park the whole problem until a ‘later date’, which often never materialises.

Issues of Control

It could be argued that non-replying is a way of asserting control. The inveterate non-replier does not want to be at other people’s beck and call, and obligingly answering their messages promptly feels too much like acquiescing with their timetable.

Instead, non-repliers convince themselves that they are controlling their own narrative. They do not want to embark on a spontaneous exchange or feel pressurised or coerced by other people. This is frequently a response to feeling anxious and overwhelmed, and if you’re prone to this reaction, it’s a good idea to examine the underlying reasons and think about how your non-response will look to the other person, who may feel frustrated or exasperated by your silence.

Worst of all are the non-responders who, crippled by their inability to come up with a definitive response, or unable to come up with a polite refusal or let-down, simply delete the emails and hope the whole problem will go away. This is tantamount to hiding behind the curtains when someone comes knocking at your door. They may well suspect that you’re there and your unwillingness to engage with them is infantile and insulting.

Excuses, Excuses

If you’re prone to ghosting, you will inevitably find yourself locked in a tedious cycle of making excuses and apologising if you do eventually reply. Every response you send out will be prefaced by a litany of excuses (work pressure, social pressure, family complications, illness, other people’s unavailability and so on). This gets irksome and the more you repeat your excuses the less convincing they will become.

Lurking behind the barrage of excuses is often the very real suspicion that you have simply forgotten to respond, or are unwilling to do so, and nobody wants to feel overlooked or forgotten.

Acknowledge and Prioritise

Everybody loves a reply and there is a lot to be said for ‘holding’ messages. This means sending out an acknowledgement, which indicates that you have received and read the incoming message. You can also assure the sender that you will get back to them shortly, in due course, later in the day, and so on.

The important thing here is that you don’t consign this undertaking to oblivion, deluding yourself that you have dealt with it, when in fact you have deferred your response. You will need to find a way of recording any commitments you have made – perhaps noting down the responses you need to make in your diary or digital planner. If you do make good on your promise to respond in due course, the holding message is an excellent device: it makes the sender feel heard and respected and reassures them that a response will be forthcoming.

It is to be hoped that you will dispatch simple replies as soon as you possibly can – it would be foolish to go through the palaver of postponing a simple ‘yes’, ‘no’ or thank you’ response until a later date. So, if you are going to use the holding response, you will need to prioritise messages that need further thought, consultation with other people, or research. The sender will understand the reasons for your delaying tactics but will be gratified by your polite response. Most important of all, they will not feel ghosted or ignored.