We’ve come to admire assertiveness and self-confidence and see them as the keys to success. We try to nurture feelings of self-confidence in our children and respond positively to people who appear to know what they are talking about and have a clear idea about how to achieve their goals.

But while confidence, if it is well founded, is obviously an asset both professionally and socially, it can be a dangerous trait when it is over-inflated, and confidence mutates into overconfidence. It’s certainly true that people who steam through life, riding high on waves of self-belief, who are strangers to self-doubt or self-questioning, can be extremely dangerous. Their demeanour is persuasive and domineering, but you might find that their confidence easily tips into arrogance and is often a carapace that has been built up to mask feelings of insecurity or inadequacy, rather than genuine feelings of competence.

We live in a world where bosses, leaders, politicians and pundits feel obligated to project self-belief and certainty – the minute they express themselves tentatively they fear that they will be perceived as weak and indecisive and will be pilloried for their pusillanimity and vacillation. Yet sometimes it’s important to acknowledge that you don’t know something, to display a willingness to learn something new, to admit that other people are better qualified to opine on a subject than you are. Sometimes admitting ignorance – saying something like “I don’t really know the answer” or “I need to think about that more” can be a sign of confidence, indicating that you don’t need to pull the wool over everybody’s eyes and project fake confidence.

This is a level of positive humility which other people will find engaging and attractive. Rather than being steamrollered by you, they will feel flattered by your willingness to engage with them and learn from them. They will also trust you more because of your honesty and refusal to hoodwink them with false claims of expertise.

Don’t muddle the competence and certainty that will impress other people with a fixed belief that you are never wrong and don’t make mistakes. Being flexible and open-minded are positive traits that will ensure that you can learn from other people, build collaborative relationships and achieve so much more.

In short, the most successful and effective people create a positive balance between confidence and humility, which makes them both likeable and admirable.

How to Project Confidence

•Use positive language

This means using expressions like “I’m sure”, “I know”, “I’m absolutely positive”, “I’m in total agreement”. These emphatic phrases indicate certainty and make no concessions to doubts and dithering. If you want to come across as self-confident, eliminate phrases like “it will probably work”, or “I hope that’s okay?” or “I’m not really sure about that”.

•Use positive body language

Stand up straight, speak clearly and audibly, nod affirmatively, initiate conversations, ask questions.

•Fake it till you make it

Just as smiling is said to enhance your feelings of wellbeing and contentment, acting confidently (positive body language, a decisive and assertive demeanour) will build up your feelings of genuine self-confidence. Eventually, you will no longer be acting the part of a confident person, you will be projecting true feelings of self-confidence.

•Admit your mistakes

Cheerfully admitting your mistakes, laughing at your errors, or apologising for your misconceptions are all signs of self-confidence. It’s not about erecting an impenetrable barrier of self-satisfaction and unassailability – leave that to the politicians. In real life, self-confidence is only attractive and persuasive when it is coupled with a self-aware and open-minded demeanour.

•Don’t weaponise your self-confidence

Using your endless reserves of self-belief as a means of bludgeoning the people around you into cowed acquiescence is always a mistake. People will be much more cooperative if they feel that they are being persuaded, charmed or wooed into compliance. Ultimately, lashings of self-confidence can come across as narcissistic, self-satisfied and essentially charmless – a more tentative, self-deprecating demeanour is often a more effective way of getting things done.

How to Deal with Over-Confidence

•Don’t confuse confidence and competence

We all know people who are blithely self-confident, who seem to believe – with very little supportive evidence – that they are blessed with abundant knowledge and abilities. The dawning realisation that you have been bamboozled, and that these people cannot be relied upon, can be painful and disillusioning.

•Don’t let your credulity blind you

Try not to take people’s estimates of their own abilities at face value, even though it is hard not to be lulled by their sense of self-assurance. This is known as ‘confidence bias’, which is the tendency to respect someone who appears to believe what they are saying. The perils of overconfidence are obvious – nobody wants to see their business (or government) falling apart because an over-confident, but incompetent, leader has taken the helm. Cultivate a healthy sense of scepticism, and always test, question or verify (as politely as possible) the claims of other people. Someone who has well-grounded confidence in their abilities will always rise robustly to the challenge, without feeling threatened or undermined. A defensive response is generally a red flag, indicating that the confident demeanour is over-inflated and unjustified.

•Don’t underestimate yourself

If you’re suffering from a bad case of confidence bias, you might be tempted to hide your own light under a bushel. You might fall into the trap of believing that other people know more than you or are better qualified than you to deal with workplace or everyday challenges. This could lead to a diminution in your own sense of self-confidence. If your feel that this is happening, try and counteract the downward slide by reminding yourself of your own unique abilities and expertise. You might never have the blustering braggadocio of your self-confident counterpart, but a steady and unwavering sense of your own worth and capabilities will get you a long way.