Society is becoming increasingly less formal and, for many of us, weddings may well be the most formal events that we will ever attend, although this is not inevitably so, as weddings are also changing and becoming less traditional and bound by convention.

For these reasons, if or when we do receive a stiff, copperplate-engraved invitation to a formal event, it can cause consternation and social anxiety. Events that still follow traditional protocols are generally official, often hosted by an organisation such as a livery company, charity, corporation or business. These events will follow set conventions, including elements of protocol and precedence not usually required at purely social events. Forewarned is forearmed, so we have set down the guidelines for basic guest etiquette – follow these recommendations and you need have no fear of transgressing.

Plus One

If the invitation specifies ‘and partner’ then the name of the person must be given to the host beforehand, when replying to the invitation. Guests should not bring an unauthorised plus one.

Arrival

Times of arrival on formal invitations are strictly observed. If a formal invitation says reception 7.30, dinner 8.15, then it is best to arrive at, or very shortly after, the time given. In the case of a genuine delay get a message to the organiser, especially when it is a seated dinner. If it is a stand-up reception, guests don’t need to worry about notifying the organiser but should slip in unobtrusively.

Dress Codes

These will be stated clearly on the invitation and should be adhered to. If the most traditional codes (white tie, black tie) are not specified, then err on the side of formality – suits and ties for the men, cocktail or tailored dresses or smart trouser suits for the women.

Receiving Lines

When there is a formal receiving line a guest may be asked to give their name to an announcer. In this case, always give your full name and title, including ‘Mr’, ‘Mrs’, ‘Miss’ or ‘Ms’. If you have a professional title (eg Dr, Professor), you might choose to use it. Titles do not include prefixes such as ‘The Hon’ or suffixes such as ‘Bt’ or ‘MP’. See the following examples for guidance:

•The Duke of Mayfair; the Earl and Countess of Aldford (peers should give their exact rank)

•Professor James Hill and Mrs Emily Hill; Mr John Adam and Dr Jane Adam

•Mr Richard Masters and Ms Charlotte Lesser

•The traditional form for married couples is as follows: ‘Mr and Mrs John Debrett’. If you prefer, you can opt for ‘Mr John and Mrs Jane Debrett’.

Speak clearly when asked for your name to avoid embarrassing mix-ups and errors. When your name is announced, move forward promptly and greet your hosts briefly (a polite “how do you do?”) is usually sufficient. Don’t get bogged down in elaborate courtesies or small talk – it is important for hosts that the receiving line keeps moving.

Food and Drink

If a guest has an allergy or is vegetarian or vegan it is their responsibility to notify the hosts beforehand. If you have not done so, or if there is a mix-up on the night, the polite option is to grin and bear it and not to make a fuss. Don’t take food you cannot eat and leave it, untouched, on your plate; a polite refusal is always preferable. In this context, asking for special drinks or cross-examining harassed waiting staff about ingredients is bad manners.

Procedure

The usual procedure is to have a drinks reception and then be shown through to a table, where you will be placed according to a seating plan. There might be a grace before the meal, in which case guests should stand with heads slightly bowed. If there are speeches before dinner, these are usually delivered after grace and once all the guests are seated.

Once you are served your food, pause briefly before starting to eat – don’t immediately fall on your food. However, it is not necessary to wait for everyone to be served before starting. Fast eaters may need to slow down to allow time for others to be served at a large gathering. Slow eaters should also be aware of others and not delay the staff.

At the end of the dinner there may be a toast, for which the guests will stand. There may be a grace, followed by speeches.

High Tables

Certain institutions, such as Oxbridge colleges, have a table, usually literally raised on some kind of dais, a reminder of ancient customs and the banqueting halls of the Middle Ages. It is usual for those seated on the ordinary tables to be shown to their seats first and then for those at the high table to come into the room. Those at the ordinary tables will stand to greet them.

Certain institutions have particular traditions, such as greeting guests of honour with a slow handclap. Guests will almost certainly have had this explained to then, but if not then take a cue from others rather than being the first to make a move.

Departures

Many formal invitations will include the wording ‘Carriages at xx o’clock’ or state the time the event finishes. As with arrivals, these guidelines are normally closely followed. If a guest knows they will have to leave early, they should notify the organiser. Otherwise, it is best to slip away discreetly.

At the end of the event the host or organiser may place themselves in a position near the door for leave-taking, in which case guests should say goodbye and thank you. If the host is not in evidence, or has been caught up talking to another guest, it is quite acceptable to slip away without announcing your departure.

Thanks

Guests should send a prompt formal thank-you letter (ie handwritten in ink), to the main host or organiser whose name was on the invitation. If the invitation has come to the guest through another individual, who was not the main host, for example a member of an organisation, then that person should be thanked.

Charity Events

If the event in question was a charity fundraiser, for which the guest has bought a table, or brought guests, then they need not thank the host by letter (unless they want to congratulate them on an exceptional event). The chair of the charity (or one of the organising committee members) should, however, write to thank everyone who has taken a table or supported the event, with a report about the sum raised, and a brief explanation, such as: ‘It will go towards the MRI scanner’.