There comes a moment, usually halfway through reluctantly accepting a dinner invitation, when one wonders whether one has become antisocial, introverted or fully embracing the GenZ trend for soft hermiting. These terms are often used interchangeably and carelessly typically by people who cannot conceive of doing anything unaccompanied . They are the sort of people who view anyone who spends more than one night a week at home as needing to be rescued from themselves. Yet these terms describe rather different things, here at Debrett’s we are happy to admit that not all of us are strangers to a bit of soft hermiting. Let us explain.
To be clear, “antisocial” is commonly misused. In clinical and formal contexts, antisocial behaviour involves hostility towards other people or a disregard for social rules and their wellbeing. Vandalism, intimidation and persistent aggression qualify; quietly leaving a party before the karaoke begins does not. What most people call antisocial is often simply “asocial”: preferring less company, without wishing anybody harm.
Introversion is a temperament rather than a rejection of humanity. Introverts may enjoy parties, dinners and conversations, but often find prolonged social activity tiring. They restore themselves through solitude, calm and limited stimulation. An introvert can be charming, attentive and perfectly sociable—then require two days alone with a book to recover from having been charming and attentive. Extroverts tend to gain energy from company. Neither is morally superior, though extroverts argue this point loudly and often and there will invariably be a gaggle of people within earshot to agree with them.
Soft hermiting as a phrase (and a habit) emerged from online posts hash tagged with “hermit mode” “protecting your peace” and “hermitting”. The concept has been embraced by GenZ. It means deliberately retreating from an over-busy social life and finding comfort in home-based pleasures: cooking, reading, gardening, watching a favourite programme or reorganising a cupboard with a degree of seriousness once reserved for constitutional reform. Unlike complete withdrawal, soft hermiting is selective and temporary. It is not a matter of retiring from public life entirely it is simply declining an invitation that any respecting extrovert could not refuse. Or at least that is the impression the hermits are trying to create and they would argue that the phrase soft hermiting makes this behaviour more socially acceptable. Give a behaviour a name, pretend it has existed for ever and no one will question it.
There are good reasons for it’s appeal. Work can be relentless, social calendars can feel compulsory, and digital life has made us permanently reachable. A quiet weekend can be restorative. Being sociable also costs money and Gen Z will feel this more than most. Soft hermiting allows us to hear ourselves think, attend to neglected domestic matters and remember that leisure need not be photographed, shared or accompanied by small plates. It is also (largely) free!
Still, retreat is not without it’s hazards. Solitude chosen freely can nourish us; isolation that grows from fear, low mood or anxiety may diminish us. If staying in repeatedly leaves you lonely, cuts you off from valued relationships or makes returning to the world feel increasingly difficult, it may be time to depart the hermitage and walk back blinking into the light.
So cancel dinner if you must but do it graciously, suggest another date and resist posting photographs of your blissful evening at home. There is no need to make the people at dinner feel they chose badly.
