In a world where we’re constantly being advised to question our own motives and urged to focus on self-improvement, making excuses gets a bad press. Excuses are seen as cop-out, primarily used as a thin disguise for avoidance – whether it’s a tough work assignment, a social engagement or a health and exercise regime.

But this overlooks the fact that excuses are often made out of politeness, out of a desire to conceal a possibly hurtful truth, and as such they should not be dismissed out of hand.  We’ve looked at different types of excuses and discuss the role they play:

Polite Excuses

If you are attempting to dodge something or someone, making excuses can often seem the polite way out. You don’t want to tell someone you simply don’t want to meet them, or help them out, or come to their charity evening – because to do so, bluntly and honestly, would be rude – so you make an excuse.

Before you go down the path of making a polite excuse, examine your motives carefully. Are you trying to wriggle out of a social arrangement because you can’t be bothered or you’re feeling lazy? If you have already accepted an invitation, you really should set the threshold for refusing and sending your excuses very high. In other words, you should concede that, by accepting in the first place, you have set up certain expectations, and you really shouldn’t contemplate opting out lightly.

If, on the other hand, you are asked if you would be interested in doing something, or attending an event, and you know full well that it’s the last thing you would like to do, then it might be kinder to conceal your reluctance behind a polite excuse (“I’m so sorry, I’m completely booked out next week”), rather than an honest display of disinterest and negativity (“I’m afraid I really don’t like eating in a large group, and I’m not very keen on that restaurant”).

The Excuse Trap

We all know that inventing elaborate excuses, such as a terrible stomach bug, or a prior engagement, is asking for trouble. This is particularly true in the privacy-free age of social media, as there’s every chance your lie will be exposed. Your excuse that you can’t come to the party because you’re exhausted and want to spend a quiet night at home could come back and bite you, when your friends post riotous pictures of you having a whale of a time at a rival social event. Equally, pretending that you can’t make it to an event because you have another social engagement won’t really wash if you post smug selfies from your sofa, where you’re indulging in an enjoyable session of self-indulgent pampering.

Worst of all are the bad karma excuses – this is when you fall back on illness, accidents, relationship problems, family crises, and all manner of other disasters, as an excuse for your non-availability. These excuses are tempting because they are generally accepted at face value, often with a large dose of sympathy and concern. But, even though you score high for credibility, there is a real risk of ongoing sympathy and follow-up questions (about your welfare, the family, the pet etc), which you will have to deflect without giving the game away. You might find yourself being inexorably led into a tangled web of white lies and deceit. It’s all so complicated…

The best option is to make excuses that are as near the truth as possible, without being blunt, tactless or hurtful. Sometimes honesty really is the best policy, especially if you’re shouldering the blame for your own withdrawal: “I’ve been rushing around all week and I’m afraid I'm just not in the mood for socialising” is honest and tactful; “I’ve been rushing around week and I just can’t face sitting in a noisy pub, listening to everyone moan about work for the entire evening” is also honest, but it packs a nasty punch, since it indicates far too clearly why you find the prospect of socialising unattractive.

Excuses for your own Behaviour

All too often, especially in a work context where your performance is under close scrutiny, excuses are offered for under-performance or disorganisation. But excusing a poor performance on the grounds of ill-health, extenuating circumstances or somebody else’s error only makes you look weak. You are acknowledging that your work has not come up to the mark, but you are refusing to take full responsibility for it and relying instead on tired old escape clauses. If you regularly default to this sort of behaviour, bosses and colleagues will see you as someone who is unreliable and dishonest, and perhaps just a little bit wheedling.

In these circumstances, you need to think carefully about the difference between excuses and explanations. An explanation should clarify and provide context, whereas an excuse is all about muddying the water and deflecting blame.

For example, you might say: “I’m sorry I missed the deadline for handing in my report. I badly underestimated the amount of time it would take to track down the various resources I needed, but I’ve been working at it over the weekend, and I will have it for you first thing tomorrow.” This explanation acknowledges that you made an error; you take responsibility for it and outline how you are going to put things right. On the other hand, if you say “I’m sorry I missed the deadline for handing in my report. The resources were very hard to access, mainly because our online archiving system is in a bit of a state, and that really slowed me down” then you are offering an excuse. You are deflecting blame (to the archivist) and not taking responsibility for your actions or offering a solution.

Don’t hide behind excuses in the mistaken belief that you will avoid blame and negative consequences. Acknowledge instead that being accountable for your actions is ultimately much more constructive. Trotting out tired-old excuses (the equivalent of “the dog ate my homework”) is never going to impress anyone.