20 Jan 2025

Flaking Frustration

Flaking is the habit of cancelling plans, often at late notice, for no good reason. It is an increasingly common problem and there are several factors that appear to have turned us flaky. Whatever the reasons, this unfortunate tendency is causing a great deal of frustration, sometimes breaking up friendships, or killing people’s will to organise social events. What is to be done?

Why are we Flaking?

Mobile phones and texting have provided us with an excellent way of communicating without ever having to engage directly – it is temptingly easy to send a text cancelling an engagement, knowing there is no danger that you will be interrupted mid-cancellation and asked to explain your decision. By hiding behind your phone, you are effectively sealing yourself off from the impact of flaking; you do not have to witness the flakee’s disappointment or irritation.

We all live busy, multi-tasking lives and there are many calls on our time, especially as the boundaries between work and social life are becoming more porous. Many of us feel that we have too many commitments and, when we reach a tipping point, we reach for our phones and cancel. We justify this drastic step by characterising it as ‘self-care’, arguing that fulfilling all our commitments is dangerously stressful and something must give.

There is a general trend towards introversion: younger generations are apparently drinking less and staying at home more (financial pressures and over-exhaustion inform these choices) and with this withdrawal comes a tendency to nurture inactivity and feelings of reclusiveness, which in turn leads to a compulsion to cancel ill-advised social arrangements.

We are increasingly more focused on prioritising our individual needs and wellbeing, rather than feeling a moral obligation to honour and respect other people’s feelings and expectations. In days gone by, it would have been seen as a social misstep to cancel a social commitment without a very good reason, and repeat offenders would have found their reputations were tarnished and their social standing suffered. It was simply considered good manners to reply to invitations promptly, adhere to acceptances and never to let hosts (or organisers) down.

Today, many people with a tendency to flake would argue that their behaviour is a symptom of social anxiety or shyness. Faced with the demands of socialising, and daunted by the prospect, they choose to duck out altogether. Society is increasingly tolerant of this sort of behaviour, and many people accept that social anxiety is a real, and troubling, phenomenon. The question is: is the perceived social disfunction genuine, or is it merely a case of hiding behind a label to avoid social obligations?

How Do you Deal with Flaking?

We all encounter this behaviour from time to time, but if flaking is a repeated pattern, it is worth thinking about the points below before you become terminally frustrated:

•Is there more to it?

Confronted by a repeat offender, you should consider whether this maddening behaviour is masking more deep-seated problems: anxiety, depression, loneliness. Of course, becoming a serial canceller who is alienating close friends is not the most logical way of dealing with these issues, but they can be very hard to acknowledge or explore. Gentle probing might reveal that sympathy and help is needed.

•Talk about it

If you’re really beginning to get frustrated, you could grab the bull by the horns and explain the impact of flaking – “when you cancelled at the last minute on Saturday, I lost the deposit at the restaurant because I couldn’t find anyone else to join me.” It’s quite probable that the flake has not really pondered the consequences of their behaviour (it’s best not to, because then they would see that cancelling is not a considerate option), and being made aware of the fallout might make them think twice.

•Accommodate flaking

If you have a friend who is an inveterate flake, you could amend your arrangements to compensate. You could always ensure that other people are included in meeting plans, so that there is no danger that you will be left stranded. You could insist that the flake is responsible for making social arrangements or suggestions. Alternatively, you could restrict your suggestions to activities that you know the flake enjoys and is less likely to cancel (eg a movie and quiet drink, rather than a dinner with friends).

•Appreciate the times they show up

When everything goes smoothly, and there is no flaking, make a point of remarking on it. Say something like, “I’m so glad you came to my dinner on Saturday night – it was lovely to see you and I was so worried you were going to cancel…’ That way, you will be showing how much you enjoy your friend’s company, but you will also be reminding them of their tendency to flake.

Flakes Beware!

At work, a tendency to display flakiness can easily derail your career. Your colleagues will begin to doubt your ability to follow through or stick to a commitment. They may well be frustrated by your tendency to cancel meetings or procrastinate when it comes to answering texts and emails, especially ones that require a decision. They might also be alarmed by a tendency to over-commit, to take on too much, and inevitably to fall short and let colleagues down. Ultimately, the people who work with you will feel they cannot trust you or rely upon you, and these are severe failings, especially if you are working in a team.

Many consistently flaky people simply have poor time management skills. They over-commit, say yes to everything, and then find that they have far too much on their plates, panic and cancel everything. Learning to say no, or to point out that you are over-stretched is an important skill, both professionally and personally, for people who suffer from flakiness. They need to teach themselves to consider every invitation and suggestion carefully, think about what it involves, how much time it will take, how much input is required. If the prospect is daunting, they should accept that it is much better to politely refuse or demur, with plenty of notice, rather than flaking out.

Consider the consequences of flakiness. Relationships, both professional and social, are built on reciprocal obligations, on give and take. Flakiness disrupts this process, making the flakee feel rejected or overlooked. Ultimately, flakes will alienate and irritate even the most tolerant friends and might find themselves becoming increasingly isolated.

If you’re a flake, it is important to recognise any natural tendency towards inactivity and reclusiveness and do your utmost to resist it. You might feel daunted by the prospect of a birthday gathering at which you know no one but the host, and overwhelmingly tempted to bow out, but you will almost certainly have a better time than you expect. The friendship points you garner will also pay dividends when it’s your turn to sit nervously in the pub, hoping that someone will show up to help you drink that bottle of birthday prosecco.

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