In his introduction to the 1976 Edition of Debrett’s Correct Form, Sir Ian Moncreiffe of that Ilk (a fine example of a British title) states that
“This invaluable guide to usage combines a sense of historic names and styles with a helpful understanding of the practical need of courteous people to find a guide to present-day usage through our fascinating Hampton Court maze of precedence, lettering, and modes of address.”
He also points out
“The custom of putting letters after people’s names has only arisen in comparatively modern times but has proliferated as our enormous increase of population – and the rewarding of service to the economy and not just to the State – has led to a great expansion of our Orders of Chivalry and higher honours, together with the multiplication of degrees and appointees. Since these letters are but abbreviations, we can write them as we please. However, custom has evolved certain standard abbreviations, and most people seek guidance about present conventions. Officially and in business it’s polite to get all that lettering right; for what’s the use of earning all those gongs if the poor fellow can’t use them?”
Debrett’s has always believed that the correct form of address is a vitally important pillar of politeness, and that it is always going to reflect well on you if you take the trouble to get it right. Whether someone is the proud bearer of a historic title or a life peerage, or can boast a hard-earned professional title and qualifications, it is only respectful to pay them their dues and acknowledge the title. Crown honours, and the letters after the name that accompany them, are marks of distinction – they recognise people who have made an outstanding contribution to society and they are something to be proud of, not disregarded.
We recognise that strict social norms have relaxed considerably since the first appearance of Correct Form. First names are widely used, titles and surnames are not much used in the world of digital communication. But there are still many occasions when we revert to formality, and we still advise that, if in doubt, it is always sensible to revert to formal titles and surnames until told not to do so.
At Debrett’s we have long prided ourselves on providing general guidance to ‘Styles by Office’, allowing readers to dig deep into the various strata of the main professions to understand the naming conventions that are used within each particular field. Similarly, we have listed Crown Orders and Decorations and explained the hierarchy in which they are listed as letters after the name. These general principles have proved to be an invaluable guide to Forms of Address over the past fifty years.
When writing to someone in their professional capacity, it is a gratifying sign of respect to get their title and any postnominals right. It shows that you have gone to trouble to do so and that you recognise the importance of these qualifications and their significance to the individual. We also appreciate that it can be hard to establish the correct nomenclature when writing a formal letter. In the professions, people move around, gain new qualifications, are promoted, and their titles reflect these changes. Each year the Birthday Honours and the New Year’s Honours are announced and a fresh crop of postnominals are appended to the names of worthy recipients. Some people are knighted, become Dames, or are elevated to the Peerage, and all these changes can be hard to monitor.
So, we are launching a unique free-to-use service, the Debrett’s Directory, which takes the major professions (Law, Diplomacy, Religion, Public Servants, Politics) and provides a listing of individual office holders. Not only do we give the full name of each current office holder, we also list any postnominal letters or titles. Most importantly of all, we give a clear instruction for each named individual on how to address them in writing and on an envelope.
We are confident that our new Directory will provide an invaluable checklist for the public, giving them easy access to the names of office holders and their forms of address. It is an ongoing project, and further Professions (eg the Civil Service and the Armed Forces) will be added in due course. We are constantly monitoring our entrants, ensuring that new appointments and departures are promptly recorded and checking that post-nominals are up to date.
There is nothing more personal to us than our own name. We’ve all experienced a mild stab of irritation when we receive letters with our name misspelt, or when someone abbreviates our name in a way we do not like. Our advice is to immediately and firmly point out these errors. If you are guilty of misnaming, you should apologise profusely, take note and not do it again. It is a social faux pas that can be forgiven.
However, getting names wrong in a professional setting is more troubling. It immediately communicates carelessness, laziness and disrespect and can start a professional relationship off on the wrong footing. By using our Directory, you will be ensuring that small errors are not blown up into significant missteps.
It seemed that, during the Covid pandemic and its aftermath, discussions about health were everyday fodder. Long taught to keep our illness and physical complaints to ourselves, we found we were in a place where everyone was forensically interested in everyone else’s symptoms, not least because of an understandable caution around infection. Struck down by Covid, we all enjoyed comparing symptoms and moaning, we discussed vaccines, compared remedies, brandished testing kits and felt no compunction about making very direct enquiries about other people’s immunity. It was a health free for all.
Gradually, we are reverting to our normal British attitudes. We are reminded that everyone has days when they are full of cold and suffering from aches and pains and are urged to remember that these are personal inconveniences which, as far as possible, should be kept to ourselves. We are warned that detailed discussion of symptoms can all too possibly mutate into whingeing and, worst of all, over-explicit accounts of bodily functions. You should never be guilty of telling people things they really don’t want to know.
On the other hand, Covid has taught us important lessons about taking precautions; we now know that if we are suffering from something very contagious or an illness that impairs the ability to work, we should be as honest as discretion allows about taking the day off. Soldiering on may seem brave, but we all know it is simply stupid.
Our reluctance to discuss illness is understandable when we’re talking about everyday aches and pains. But bear in mind that if people are suffering from chronic or long-term pain (eg long Covid) or have received a life-changing diagnosis, it is extremely rude to completely disregard their circumstances.
Here is some guidance about how to react to serious illness or long-term conditions:
•Don’t go into denial
Many people, on being told this kind of news, fall back onto denial, saying things like “You’ve never looked better, you can’t be that sick!”. Nobody who is seriously ill wants to be forced to plead their case and convince friends and family of the seriousness of their condition. When you’re told a fact that you find unpalatable, accept that your incredulity is your own problem – don’t ever communicate it to the conveyor of the bad news.
•Don’t turn into a health ‘expert’
Some people, shocked by bad news, can only cope with it by attempting to control the narrative. They bombard the person who is sick with endless natural remedies, special food recommendations and suggestions for combatting the condition, illustrated by anecdotes about acquaintances who have triumphed over adversity through diets, vitamins and obscure health regimes. Their attempts to manage the situation soon become oppressive and can often drive the patient into a shell. Remember everyone has their own way of coping with illness and that is their prerogative.
•Don’t go silent
It is very common, confronted by bad news, to shrink into a shell. You don’t know how to react, so you take the path of least resistance, which is to say nothing, perhaps offering the excuse that you “don’t want to intrude”. This is a terrible let-down for the sick person who at the very least expects acknowledgement of the difficulties they are confronting. On the other hand, regular, compassionate enquiries about health, symptoms, treatments etc will be a source of great comfort and a reminder that people really do care. Sometimes it is all too easy to be ruled by your embarrassment into stigmatising an illness, making it something that cannot be discussed, further isolating the patient.
•Don’t go into overdrive
The other end of the spectrum is to bombard the patient with compassion and sympathy. It is quite possible to fetishise the suffering of the patient to the point where your sympathy feels oppressive and overwhelming, and your repeated offers of help become burdensome.
•Make regular enquiries
Once you have been told about a serious health condition, it is important that you make regular, general enquiries, along the lines of “How have you been feeling?” or “How is your health?”, “Is there anything I can help you with?”. You are not digging intrusively deep (a risk if you offer detailed interrogations about symptoms and treatment), but you are giving the patient space in which to confide in you, should they choose to do so. Ensure that these exchanges take place in private so that the patient is not exposed or embarrassed in front of other people if they do not want to talk; you must respect their sense of privacy.
•Listen carefully
If somebody wants to talk to you about a serious health condition, give them your full attention and do not shy away from difficult insights. Don’t interrupt or lecture them, give them space to talk and listen attentively. Above all, remember that there are times in all relationships when the attention inevitably flows one way; your own concerns and preoccupations will seem trivial to someone who is confronting a real health crisis, so don’t be offended if the give and take of conversation is somewhat lacking. Now is the time to offer selfless support.
•Resist texting
However you choose to react, try to do so in fully thought-out sentences and without the assistance of totally inappropriate emojis. Shielding behind texting is the coward’s way out; it is so much better if you can visit the patient and converse face to face or at the very least talk on the phone. If you want to write, send a handwritten letter or a properly thought-out email. Now is not the time for abbreviated messages, which imply that your compassion is limited.
Rituals around the birth of a baby are changing as society becomes less religious. Some of us choose to forego any formal ritual at all, preferring to “wet the baby’s head” with a celebratory drink, shared with friends and family, soon after the birth. Some people still opt for a traditional christening; those of us who seek a ritual but do not want a religious dimension may choose a naming ceremony. Whatever the ritual, the emphasis is on celebrating the new arrival, and on parents and other key adults (godparents, grandparents, special friends) publicly stating their commitment to the child’s welfare in the years to come.
The Church of England and the Roman Catholic Church refer officially to baptism or infant baptism. Both churches prefer the baby to be baptised during a regular Sunday service, often at the same time as other families. If the baptism is during morning service or mass, it will usually be followed by a lunch.
It is still possible to have a private christening in a church of your choice, although it may take some tact and perseverance. If you have a special relationship with a priest or vicar from a different parish, who is for instance a family friend, then you will need to clear the arrangements with the local parish priest or vicar. Private christenings are often in the afternoon and followed by a tea, but this will be dictated by the local church’s timetable.
During the baptism service, the parents and godparents gather with the baby (traditionally wearing a white gown) and the vicar, usually around the church’s font, to make a series of religious declarations. The vicar marks the sign of the cross on the baby’s forehead, then pours some water on the child’s head, symbolising the washing away of all sin. If the ceremony is taking place during a normal service, the congregation may join in at this point. During the ceremony the mother usually holds the baby, but the godmother may hold the baby at some point. The register is signed after the ceremony, usually by the father.
•Invitations to Christenings
Notification to godparents, friends and family may be by post, telephone call or email and will include mention of any party afterwards. Traditionally, formal invitations were not sent out for christenings or baptisms, but some parents do choose to send them. These are either pre-printed or bespoke cards; the style of the invitation should reflect the level of formality of the service and party.
Traditionally-styled invitations would be used to signal a formal event. They are usually printed on high-quality white card (600 gsm), measuring W7 x H5½ inches (14 x 18 cm). The wording should read:
Alexander and Eliza Waldergrave
Invite you to celebrate the christening of
Maisie Amelia
at St Luke’s Church, Little Gidding
on Sunday 29th September
and afterwards at The Old Rectory
RSVP
[email protected]
11.00am Service
12.30pm Lunch
Pre-printed cards are available with spaces left blank for the guests’ names, the baby’s name, and the date, location and time of the christening, to be handwritten.
Guests should reply to invitations promptly. The level of formality of the reply should reflect the style and tone of the invitation. If a very formal invitation is received, it is advisable to reply in the third person, as for a wedding invitation.
•Parties
Parties after the service may include a lunch (possibly a buffet), or tea in the case of an afternoon ceremony. The party is usually fairly informal and not prolonged, as the baby’s routine needs to be considered. It is best to have any party fairly near the church, whether it is in a hotel or similar venue, or a private house.
Drinks are served, most usually champagne and wine, as well as tea or coffee and soft drinks. Traditionally the top layer of the wedding cake was saved and re-iced to use as a christening cake. Or you may choose to order a christening cake, which is usually a fruit cake with marzipan and icing, sometimes with bespoke ‘baby themed’ decorations. A godparent may toast the baby, but long speeches are unusual.
It is likely that guests will bring presents, so it is advisable to have somewhere to put these, but not necessary to open them there and then. Thank-you letters should be sent promptly.
The guests may well bring small children of their own or the baby may have siblings and cousins, so it is a good idea to make some provision. If possible, enlist the help of an older sibling or cousin to supervise and entertain the children, lay on child-friendly food, and organise a play area for them.
Large parties for christenings are unusual. The essential guests are the godparents, grandparents, the parents’ siblings, and perhaps the godparents of the baby’s siblings and the closest family friends. Cousins will not always be included, nor will neighbours or friends, even very close friends. Godparents are usually accompanied by a spouse or partner. It is polite to invite the clergyman and spouse to any party or reception (although they may not be able to come).
Photographs in church should always be non-invasive and cleared beforehand with the vicar or priest.
•Dress Codes
It is correct to dress smartly, with men in suits, or a jacket and tie, and women in dresses and jackets but not necessarily hats (although it is not wrong to wear one). It is no longer necessary for women to cover their heads in Catholic churches though some may choose to do so. Men should remove hats.
The baby may wear a traditional christening robe, which may be a family heirloom, but these may not always fit larger babies. White is traditional and a dress and shawl look best – there are specialist companies that make modern versions.
Naming ceremonies are a non-religious option for parents who wish to celebrate, in some official capacity, the arrival of their child with family and friends. They have no legal standing but may be organised in association with a local authority, or through a private company. Parents do not need to be married and can come from any cultural background with any or no spiritual or religious beliefs. Any parent or legal guardian can make the arrangements.
These ceremonies are often led by a trained celebrant and, instead of godparents, individuals are asked to be “supporting adults”. During the ceremony parents and supporting adults both make promises (usually about the love and care they will offer the child). They may also include a reading or two – every naming ceremony is unique and tailored to individual requirements and registrars or celebrants will provide guidance. A certificate is usually presented as a keepsake. It is usual for the parents to host a reception for guests after the ceremony with some food, drinks and a naming cake (similar to a christening cake).
Many parents now choose to host a naming day or naming party themselves, as a non-religious alternative to a christening. The format of the day will vary from family to family, but a lunch for family and close friends is a popular option. It is usual for guests to take a present for the baby, as they would to a christening.
There is no dress code for naming ceremonies, either for the guests or the baby. Usually, the baby will be dressed in a smart outfit, perhaps with a delicate shawl, and most guests will make an effort to look smart and respectful.
Top: The Lily Font at the christening of Victoria, Princess Royal, 10 February 1841, Charles Robert Leslie
The UK general election has brought political discussions to the fore. It is a time when political issues are uppermost in our minds and views, often very polarised, are being exchanged. Arguments are breaking out all over the country: it’s time to look at ways in which we can discuss politics in a civilised manner and avoid negative fallout.
At times like this we tend to divide into broad politically aligned tribes, or we may choose to step out of the maelstrom and join the “don’t know, don’t care” camp. Whatever your stance, it is worthwhile remembering never to make assumptions. It is so easy to find yourself in an echo chamber, where you are surrounded by like-minded people and the tendency is to deduce that people you meet socially or at work hold the same political beliefs as yourself. This is a dangerous presumption, which can very quickly plunge you into difficult waters. So, think before you speak, ask open-ended questions and try to establish where people stand on the spectrum. You may also be able to gauge how passionately they hold their beliefs and make a pragmatic decision not to engage in a fractious debate.
If you find yourself talking to someone who holds very different views, try your best to be open to different perspectives. It can help if you establish some common ground; you might, for example agree about the extent of a problem (eg the Health Service) and the need to address it. Even if you both have radically different views about how the problem should be approached at least you are starting from a mutually held position.
Here are some ways in which you can approach political arguments:
•Don’t ask emotionally loaded questions
It really helps if you don’t project two emotions when arguing: incredulity and contempt. When you find yourself profoundly disagreeing with someone, especially if you’re getting angry and emotional, it is really easy to lapse into questions like “Surely, you’re not stupid enough to believe x, y or z?”. Eradicate the emotion and turn the question into something much more neutral and open-ended: “what do you think of x, y or z?” or “I understand you believe x, y or z, but have you thought about…..?”
•Don’t interrupt or talk over other people
Nothing is more provocative than arguing with someone who refuses to give you the space to expound your ideas and repeatedly interrupts you. It is true that when discussions get heated, exchanges become more staccato and fragmentary, but the very least you can do is try to listen attentively to what is being said.
•Disarm with emollient responses
You might violently disagree with what is being said but flying off the handle with remarks like “that’s absolute rubbish!” or “How can you possibly say that?” will up the emotional tempo and make the argument much more volatile. Try using phrases like “you make a very interesting point” or “that’s a fascinating point of view, but I do have one major concern”. You are wrapping your disagreement in a positive response, which effectively defuses the other person’s defensiveness – arguers can become ever more entrenched in their positions if they feel their propositions are being shot down in flames.
•Ask intelligent questions
Demonstrate that you are really listening to the arguments by posing questions and drilling down into what has been said. Prefacing these questions with phrases like “Have you considered?” or “Have you thought about?” shows that you are really engaging with an opposing point of view, rather than just sitting, stony-faced, and waiting for your turn to re-state your case. You may well find that, if the questions are acute or challenging, they are met with an evasive response. Pointing this out (“I don’t think you’re really answered my question”) is a highly effective, and perfectly polite, way of needling the opposition.
•Don’t grandstand
It is tempting, when you feel that your view is being challenged or dismissed, to shut down the opposition by dominating the conversation, haranguing listeners with your viewpoint, monologuing, resisting all attempts to interrupt or intervene. This is not an argument, it is verbal assault and battery: it will persuade nobody to come round to your point of view and, on the contrary, might well consolidate opposition.
•Don’t tell lies to support your case
Fabricating figures or making exaggerated or unsupported claims to support your argument will come back to bite you. If you’re going to use facts and figures, verify their accuracy or you may find yourself called out or embarrassed by your credulity and failure to check information sources. Never make broad, unverifiable claims of the “Everybody knows that’s not true” variety.
•It shouldn’t be personal
If you get really provoked you might find yourself making personal attacks, perhaps by dismissing views held as typical of a person of a certain class, background, profession etc (“well someone like you would think that!”). You should never stoop to these tactics; political arguments should be about ideas and not about personalities and the discourse deteriorates when this fact is overlooked.
•Withdraw gracefully
Sometimes political arguments go round in circles and feel like they’re going nowhere. The participants become more stressed and volatile, personal insults fly, positions are endlessly and fruitlessly restated. Nobody is going to ‘win’ the argument and there comes a time when the best idea is to call a halt. A simple way of withdrawing is to say something like “Well, we’ll just have to agree to disagree”, which will shut down the conversation courteously.
•Leave well alone
Not everybody is going to be jumping on the political bandwagon in the weeks ahead. You may hold passionate views, but you may well find yourself encountering people who are indifferent to politics, contemptuous of all politicians, or determined to keep their political views and allegiances to themselves. If you’re stonewalled, don’t berate non-participants for their non-engagement – it’s their prerogative. You will always find other people who are fired up and willing to enter the fray.
The UK election campaign is in full swing, and we are all being subjected to a 24-hour news cycle where much of the reporting is focused on politicians. We see them meeting the public, discussing issues, announcing new policies and initiatives and being grilled by seasoned interviewers.
While some of us can remain focused on the torrents of words and information, many of us are reduced to a semi-comatose state where we are picking up on body language rather than words. These silent signals speak volumes and can undermine or reinforce political messages in myriad ways. At times like this, we are reminded of the power of silent signals, and it is worth thinking about how other people’s body language affects us and how we can improve our own physical demeanour.
We are told time and again that projecting positive physical signals is straightforward. We should stand or sit up straight, with our hands by our side. We should engage in eye contact and smile readily. We should avoid fiddling with our face or hands. But maintaining this positive stance is never as easy as it sounds because our bodies are effective communicators and, on many occasions, they are transmitting feelings of nervousness, defensiveness and boredom. They may even be giving away our own feelings of superiority and condescenscion.
Unfortunately, there are many ways in which your body can convey negative signals and speak volumes about the ways you are feeling
•Defensive
If you’re feeling disengaged, dissatisfied or unhappy you may well sit or stand with your arms folded, which is a defensive gesture. Sitting or standing at a slightly oblique angle is an eloquent way of conveying that you are not fully engaged, that you are cold shouldering the person with whom you are conversing. Frequently this stance is accompanied by a fixed or tense expression. Alternatively, you might unconsciously convey your dissatisfaction by grimaces or eye rolling.
•Bored
Feeling bored often seems to take the stuffing out of you; an upright posture rapidly becomes a slouch, and the head is downcast or propped up on an elbow. Eye contact is lost and frequently a bored person gazes fixedly at something or someone other than the offending speaker.
Most eloquent of all, there is a tendency to fidget: this could be fiddling with objects such as pens, keys or phones; or the person who is overcome by ennui begins to pick at clothing (removing fluff, examining stains, adjusting the collar and cuff). Feelings of frustration are clearly displayed by tapping or drumming fingers or eye rubbing.
•Nervous
Unfortunately, there are myriad ways in which nervousness can be conveyed, including adopting a defensive posture and fidgeting. Lack of eye contact or frequent blinking can convey anxiety. But by far the most obvious nervous gestures are associated with the hands. Try to avoid touching your own body (eg rubbing your face or neck, or fingering your earlobe), which are self-comforting gestures that clearly convey that you are suffering from anxiety. Picking at your nails or, worse still, biting them, is a nervous cliché, whilst compulsively fiddling with long hair or a beard (or collar, tie or cuffs) conveys insecurity.
•Arrogant
Negative body language is not all about insecurity; coming across as overbearing and arrogant can be equally damaging. Standing or sitting with an aggressively legs apart stance (think portraits of Henry VIII) looks domineering. Insouciantly putting your hands in your pockets can look offensively casual and condescending. Leaning backwards, with the chin tilted upwards, can look over-confident and conveys a sense of superiority. Over-expansive lordly gestures, especially if they involve emphatic pointing, will make people feel belittled. A supercilious smile is the final straw…
It is clear from the above that positive body language is focused on two main areas: facial expressions and hands. Some of us are exceedingly transparent: emotions flit across our faces and we find it difficult to conceal irritation, anger, amusement. If you are one of these easily readable people you will need to consciously focus on your face, aiming for a default expression of bland and benevolent neutrality. This can be a difficult skill to acquire.
If you are being interviewed, whether it is for a job or a broadcast, you will be scrutinised when you are listening to your interlocutor so you will need to be extra vigilant about your facial expression. Slightly nodding the head to show you understand or agree is a good way of conveying engagement with the matter in the hand but be careful not to overdo it. Leaning forwards as you listen to questions is another good way of showing that you are interested and involved.
Hands are a problem for many of us and we don’t know what we should do with them. The recommendation, especially when speaking to a group of people, is to keep them by your side, but if you find this too constrained, remember that bringing them in front of you (but not above chest level), with the palms facing outwards, is a good way of emphasising your speech whilst conveying an openness and willingness to communicate and share your ideas. Interlacing your fingers and holding your hands in front of your stomach, or in front of you on the desk/table when seated, will control wayward gestures. Steepling your fingers can convey thoughtfulness and deliberation.
Never point your finger for emphasis, avoid over expansive gestures and try to keep your upper arms close to your body, which will constrain over-exuberant hand gestures – you don’t want people’s focus on your semaphoring hands to distract them from what you are trying to communicate.
Most of us are smartphone owners, which means that we are walking around with a camera in our pockets. For many of us, compulsive photography has become second nature: to record striking or memorable sights or special occasions, to act as an aide-mémoire or form of visual record-keeping, as a means of looking up information online, and sometimes simply as a way of tracking the mundanities of everyday life. Many of our photographs form a private archive, some inevitably find their way onto social media where they reach a wider audience, attracting reactions, comments and even further dissemination.
How does our photography impact the people around us? Are we being considerate or intrusive? Is our compulsive shot-framing a major annoyance and are we invading people’s privacy? We need to formulate a new code of etiquette around photography to ensure that an innocent desire to record our lives is not turning us into crass and self-obsessed boors, who show no regard for our fellow humans.
•Be discreet
You take photographs for your own entertainment, but it is important to remember that it is not all about you. Wielding your phone as a camera does not give you the right to barge people out of the way, muscle in on private moments, or block other people’s point of view.
•Ask permission
If you’re photographing other people, whatever the context, it is always polite to ask if they’re happy for you to do so. Even if your photograph is mundane and spontaneous – a snap of a group of friends around your dinner table for example – it is always worth just clearing it with them first (“Would it be okay if I just take a couple of quick photos?”).
•Ask before sharing
Even if people are obliging about letting you take photographs, it doesn’t necessarily mean they want the images to pop up the next day, unannounced, on your social media. Just taking a few seconds to politely ask if they’d be happy for you to share the picture online will make all the difference.
•Prioritise experience over recording
Obsessively snapping and looking at your screen to assess the results is going to mean that you’re effectively disengaged from many social occasions and interactions. Your desire to get great photos will set you apart – nobody will care about your photos as much as you do and they will merely feel annoyed about your lack of participation and engagement.
Bearing all the above in mind, we’ve looked at a number of specific scenarios where photography can be problematic:
Most couples will have hired the services of a professional photographer, and you really should check beforehand if they’re happy for you to take photos as well. It is certainly sensible to refrain from taking photos during the actual ceremony, which will probably be documented by a professional photographer – apart from anything else, perpetually bobbing up and down at key moments is going to be extremely distracting and irritating for fellow guests. Some couples will be perfectly happy for you to take photos during the reception, but here the general Rules of Photography apply; this is, first and foremost, meant to be a joyous occasion, and you are privileged to be invited to join your friends in their celebrations. Becoming distracted by recording the wedding will mean your focus is on your device rather than your friends and relations, and that’s just rude.
Long-lost friends and family come together at funerals and some people feel an overwhelming temptation to record this rare event; some people even take selfies to record their own participation, which they subsequently post online. In most cases, it is entirely inappropriate to take photos at funerals, and there should be no question of doing so. Photography is extremely intrusive, it invades mourners’ privacy, and encourages subjects to pose for the camera at a time when they should be contemplating the loss of the deceased or comforting the bereaved.
Some families may request that photos be taken, or even organise professional funeral photography, and their wishes should be respected. However, it is always safest and most considerate to default to the no-photography rule.
For most of us, a restaurant is a place where we can enjoy good food, attentive service and convivial company. So, it can be intensely annoying to find yourself sitting next to a table of social media addicts who spend the entire mealtime photographing their food, and sometimes going through distracting distortions (even standing on chairs) to get that perfect shot.
It is fine to take a discreet photo of your exquisitely presented main course, as long as you do not use intrusive flash, or start rearranging the table or the furniture. If you have any anxieties about the appropriateness of doing so, just check it out with a waiter first. If you have been taking photos and you are approached and asked to stop, just do so with good grace – you are really in no position to make a fight out of it. Above all, make it snappy; the food is there to be enjoyed and your dining companions will soon lose patience if you spend ages setting up the perfect shot.
Nobody is going to appreciate a compulsive snapper at a concert or festival gig because it’s just distracting, but we all accept that most people will take a photo or two, or even a shakily shot video at some point.
Aspiring camera operators tend to hold their phones up high, blocking other spectators’ view and even distracting performers. This is particularly the case when the flash is deployed and it is worth noting that a camera’s weedy flash will contribute nothing to your photography – it’s much better to grab a shot when the onstage lighting is bright.
Accept the fact that most people will find looking at your photos and videos extremely tedious and consider living in the moment, enjoying the performance without being distracted and foregoing the urge to record your every experience for posterity.
If you must take photographs, do so for a limited period only, then put your phone away for the duration.
Check the photo policy first; many modern art galleries ban photography because they do not want people taking pictures of the artwork without consent. Or they may specifically ban flash photography because it can damage the artwork.
If you have established that it is acceptable to take photographs, your first and foremost policy is to be respectful of other visitors and not to block access to artwork or exhibits because you are spending ages setting up your shot. Do not take photos of other visitors without their consent.
If you follow all these rules, it is quite acceptable to take photos of artworks and to record information panels for future reference. Just remember: speed and discretion is of the essence.
The policy about photography can change from place to place so it is worth checking it out first. If it is allowed, be a stickler about following the rules, which may include specific restrictions on the use of flash, tripods or selfie sticks.
Above all, respect the atmosphere. Churches and cathedrals are sacred spaces for many people, who use them for worship and reflection, so it is very important that your behaviour does not intrude on their privacy. Ignoring sanctions about private areas (eg side chapels) to get a photograph will always be seen as disrespectful.
Wedding flowers fall into two categories: the bouquets and buttonholes carried or worn by the wedding party; the flowers used to decorate the church or ceremony venue and the reception venue. In both cases, the choice of flowers will conjure up a certain ambience and aesthetic and you may therefore opt to go for a unified look.
Traditionally, the groom paid for the flowers for the church and the wedding party and the bride’s parents paid for the flowers for the reception venue. The wedding party flowers comprised: a bouquet for the bride; bouquets for the bridesmaids; buttonholes for the groom, best man, fathers and ushers; a corsage for the two mothers. These days, hard and fast rules of wedding etiquette are being eroded, with couples often paying for their own wedding, so these traditional practices are not inevitably observed, and couples may choose to ring the changes when it comes to the distribution of bouquets and buttonholes.
Whatever is decided, it is worthwhile noting that wedding flowers are a venerable tradition dating back to antiquity. The Greeks and Romans carried fragrant herbs and spices to ward off bad luck and wore garlands of flowers and greenery to symbolise fertility, loyalty and fidelity. In the Middle Ages flower-bedecked weddings were essential because they masked the pungent odours of unwashed bodies and poor sanitation.
The Victorians were fascinated by the language of flowers, which provided an excellent way of conveying emotions at a time when social strictures severely curbed communication. Orange blossom, symbolic of chastity, was the flower of choice for Victorian weddings and Queen Victoria’s wedding headdress was made of real orange blossoms. A myrtle sprig, which came from a bush grown at Osborne House on the Isle of Wight (it was grown from a cutting brought from Coburg by Prince Albert), was included in her wedding bouquet and ever since it has been a Royal tradition to include myrtle in the bouquets of Royal brides.
The Bride’s Bouquet
The very best bouquets always complement the wedding dress. In general, the more elaborate the dress the plainer the bouquet should be, and vice versa. The shape of the bouquet should reflect the style of the dress and should be in proportion to the bride’s height and weight – no bride should be swamped by an overwhelming ‘statement’ bouquet. You can choose between traditional bouquet styles: the pageant (or presentation) arrangement is long-stemmed and fits in the crook or your arm – this can give a dramatic effect but will certainly restrict your movements; smaller bouquets, or nosegays, are held in both hands. It is perfectly acceptable to hold a single stem.
The flowers you choose for your bouquet should suit the general style and setting of the wedding. For example, peonies and English roses can suit the country, whereas lilies, orchids and sculptural tropical stems are more suitable for a chic city wedding. Make sure you do not find the scent of the flowers too cloying, and steer clear of anything that is too pollen heavy, which might stain clothing.
When selecting the flowers for the bouquet, keep it simple: some of the most stunning bouquets consist of only one or two types of bloom. If possible, choose flowers that are in season, which will be fresher and less expensive:
•Spring
Narcissi, Tulips, Muscari, Cherry Blossom, Lily of the Valley, Cymbidium Orchid, Honeysuckle
•Summer
Peonies, Hydrangeas, Garden Rose, Gardenia, Freesia, iris, Sweet Pea, Lavender, Cornflower
•Autumn
Alstroemeria, Dahlia, Phalaenopsis Orchid, Antique Rose, Lisianthus, Michaelmas Daisy
•Winter
Amaryllis, Snowdrop, English Arium, Velvet Rose, Mistletoe, Snowberry, Winter Jasmine
The bouquet should be held at hip height and ensure that you can get a proper grip and that is comfortable to hold and not too heavy. Most florists wrap the holding place with satin ribbon, but grosgrain is a good alternative as it is less slippery.
Traditionally the bride tosses her bouquet into the crowd after the wedding; the single woman who catches it is believed to be blessed with good luck and will be the next to marry. This custom is thought to date to the Middle Ages when it was devised as an escape strategy to stop eager spinsters touching the bride or attempting to tear off fragments of her wedding dress in the belief that they would attract good luck and a wedding proposal.
If you want to hold on to your bouquet as a keepsake, you can have a spare bouquet made especially to throw or remove a few stems to dry.
Bridesmaids’ Bouquets
Bouquets should be understated and simple, perhaps hand-tied singles or small bouquets. A basic version of the bride’s bouquet is a safe option, or the bouquet can coordinate with the bridesmaid’s dresses and the bride’s bouquet.
It is sometimes hard to get baby bridesmaids to carry flowers. So a pomander with a ribbon around it, attached to the wrist, is a safe choice for girls. Alternatively, they may enjoy carrying a small basket containing flowers or petals that reflect the bride’s bouquet.
Buttonholes
This is a single stem flower set off by foliage, worn over the buttonhole of the coat/jacket, which should match the colour scheme of the wedding flowers. Often the groom’s matches the bride’s flowers and is more elaborate (with more greenery) than the rest of the party’s. The best man’s, ushers’ and fathers’ buttonholes reflect the bridesmaids’ bouquets. A boutonnière fixing under the lapel holds the stalk in place and keeps the buttonhole upright.
Buttonholes are worn on the left-hand side of the jacket, over the heart.
Corsage
These are small sprays of flowers (two or more blooms) and foliage for the bride’s and groom’s mothers, which re worn on the right-hand side of the coat or jacket, or alternatively as a ‘bracelet’ around the wrist.
Flowers for the Ceremony Venue
Many couples will dream of decking out the venue with flowers, but the reality is that – especially in the case of civil venues – other weddings may be taking place on the same day, so a compromise must be reached. In the case of church weddings, it is wise to contact the day-to-day flower arrangers, who may be willing to help or offer advice about the most suitable places to position floral decorations. If you are given a free hand, you can opt for end-of-pew decorations as well as statement bouquets.
Flowers for the Reception
Firstly, you must check if flowers are included as part of the service; if this is the case, you will need to ensure that you have input and check that the flowers chosen coordinate with the theme and style of the wedding day.
If you are using your own florist, you will need to put them in contact with the management of the venue so that they can check when they can gain access to set up their arrangements. There are no hard and fast rules about reception flowers: in general, the more elaborate flowers are placed on the ‘top table’ (where the bride and groom sit), with smaller versions on the guests’ tables. Be wary of extravagantly large table arrangements – they will be dramatic and striking but they may make it difficult to converse across the tables or even to see the bride and groom.
Reception venues can be very large and decorating them is a daunting, and expensive, task. Going for seasonal flowers – as with the bouquets – is always likely to be a cheaper option. Or you could consider using flowering plants or shrubs in ornamental pots, which are much more substantial than bouquets, and can be re-purposed, or gifted, after the wedding.
Florists play an important role in your wedding planning, so make sure to select one well before the wedding day, as they are likely to be booked months in advance. The actual choice of flowers can be left until one or two months before the wedding and should only be made once the colour ‘themes’ of the wedding have been chosen.
Click here for Debrett's Wedding Handbook
The ongoing project to prove mobile phone coverage across the Tube network is continuing apace; about a quarter of London’s Tube line currently have mobile phone signal, with plans to provide coverage across the entire system by the end of 2025. This latest innovation will undoubtedly provide an unprecedented challenge to painstakingly constructed codes of Tube etiquette, which have gradually evolved since the first trains began to run on the Metropolitan railway in 1863.
The arrival of the tube heralded great changes in society, reflected in new manners and etiquette. The underground facilitated the movement of unchaperoned women around the city, and this caused many social challenges. People of all classes and backgrounds were forced into proximity in crowded stations. When the service was first launched underground carriages were categorised into first, second and third classes, with first class passengers enjoying spacious padded seats and carpets, while third class carriages offered wooden benches. Signs on platforms indicated where passengers should wait for their correct class carriage, but it soon became apparent that distinctions were being ignored in the great rush to board. In 1900 the class distinctions were abandoned. All classes of society, as well as mixed genders, now jostled together in uncomfortably close quarters as they hurtled at unprecedented speeds under the city of London. How would they behave?
The lack of outside distractions (in fact the first, claustrophobic, carriages to run on the system did not even have windows) provided new challenges to passengers, who became more acutely aware of themselves and their fellow passengers. There was, of course, always the risk that a passenger would catch a fellow-traveller’s eye, causing social embarrassment, or that male passengers would stare insolently and appraisingly at ladies. The Ladies’ Book of Etiquette (1875) advised ladies to “lower your veil and turn from him”, reassuring its readers that “a dignified modest reserve is the surest way to repel impertinence” and insisting that “nothing will rebuke incivility in another so surely as perfect courtesy in your own manner”.
As illumination within the carriages improved, passengers increasingly focused on reading, which was an effective way of minimising staring at fellow passengers and “minding one’s own business”. Striking up conversations was in any case impossible, as early tube travel was inordinately loud, so silent travel became the norm. As one writer to The Times explained, the early Underground was so loud that it “imposed a certain measure of silence upon its passengers, so that it is small exaggeration to rank the Underground train with libraries in West End clubs and the British Museum Reading Room as one of the few places where a newspaper may be read in comparative peace.”
Thus, two essential tenets of behaviour on the London Underground – silence and not interacting – were established early in the tube’s history. Other increasingly recognisable codes of etiquette evolved more gradually and were encouraged and disseminated by the consolidation of myriad independent railway lines into one transport authority, with its own instantly recognisable corporate branding, typography, signage, station architecture, and graphic design. Posters instructing passengers how to behave on the Underground covered a range of topics: how to enter a crowded carriage; how to disembark; where to stand inside the carriage; how to dispose of litter; how to stand on the escalators; where to wait on the platform. All these instructional posters promoted good manners, proper social conduct and consideration as a way of ensuring the efficiency of the transport system. Stations were over-croweded and trains were running at capacity, and it was argued that the orderly behaviour of passengers would ease these pressures on the network.
As far back as the 1980s, London Transport posters were pleading with passengers to wear headphones and ensure that personal stereos did not disturb fellow travellers. This campaign was the harbinger of much more serious tests to come: the era of the mobile phone.
For the last 30 years, passengers have carried mobile phones on the Underground and gradually phones have replaced books and newspapers when it comes to providing entertainment and distraction. For the most part, passengers use headphones and earbuds and do not violate the notion that tube carriages are essentially quiet places. Inevitably, listening to music or podcasts on a mobile phone allows the user to look around them, which has perhaps contributed to a new problem: the fixed stare. In 2022 TfL launched a poster against “Intrusive staring of a sexual nature” on Underground trains, part of a campaign against “common forms” of sexual harassment (upskirting, pressing, touching).
In the wake of the pandemic and the impact it had on the Underground, when essential workers found themselves travelling in nearly empty carriages, behaviour has been undergoing a gradual change, as has been happening on all forms of public transport. People have become noisier and less preoccupied about their spatial impact. A growing number of passengers are listening to messages or music on their phones without headphones, broadcasting to packed carriages of unwilling eavesdroppers. It appears that notions of the boundary between public and private space have broken down and feelings of self-consciousness and inhibition about violating that boundary are dissipating.
New-found access to a reliable mobile system on the network is only going to exacerbate these problems, and we may find ourselves subjected to an escalating cacophony of TikToks, tv shows and – worst of all – no-holds barred FaceTime calls and phone conversations, many of them taking place without the benefit of headphones. In addition, the increasing lack of barriers and inability to distinguish between public and private behaviour may mean that people are publicly viewing material on their phones that fellow-passengers might find offensive or intimidating.
No doubt, TfL – with its long history of moderating and guiding Underground behaviour – will be rolling out a series of poster campaigns addressing this very issue. But in the meantime, it is worthwhile reiterating that under no circumstances should mobile phones be used in public spaces without headphones or earbuds.
It is also vital to note that you are using your phone in an enclosed and densely populated space, where you will be observed by complete strangers. Private conversations, confidential information, inflammatory or degrading remarks or X-rated viewing does not have its place in an Underground carriage and subjecting your fellow passengers to this behaviour is not only inconsiderate, it is provocative.
Several of Europe’s most historic and beautiful cities have been in the news recently because of issues they are experiencing with tourism. Venice has started to charge a €5 daily entrance fee for day trippers (not popular amongst some residents who feel their city is being turned into a Disney-style theme park), while Amsterdam continues its fight against the wrong sort of tourism through information campaigns and earlier closing times for bars in the red-light district.
The problems are clear for all to see: historic cities with comparatively small populations are being completely overwhelmed by growing numbers of tourists, narrow streets are thronged with crowds, bars are open into the early hours creating a noise nuisance for city centre residents. Cities that were once considered ultra-civilised and liveable are becoming intolerable and everyday life is being disrupted. The economic benefits of mass tourism are undisputed but the capacity of many of these cities to absorb ever-growing numbers of tourists is severely limited.
Whilst many city authorities are now being forced to look at ways of controlling and regulating the influx, we’ve taken a look at ways in which visitors can help the situation:
1. Respect the Residents
This blindingly obvious advice is all too frequently ignored. It means taking your eyes off the maps, the app on your phone or your tour guide and observing the people around you. Are you blocking the street to resident pedestrians? Have you stood stock still to get a good photograph, causing a pile-up behind you? Are you in any way causing an obstruction or hindrance?
Don’t pile, mob-handed, into small neighbourhood shops; remember that these are facilities for local residents, not tourist attractions, and wait until there is a hiatus before exploring, preferably in small groups. No resident should ever feel shut out of their grocery store or delicatessen by a horde of non-purchasing gawpers.
Ask yourself, are you transgressing territorial rules in some way? – sitting on a private doorstep or taking endless photographs of an inner courtyard garden or front door is highly invasive. Nobody would dispute that public streets, parks and buildings are open to all, but it is important to acknowledge the fact that substantial parts of the city are not accessible and should be left well alone.
Remember, complimenting residents on the beauty of their city, asking advice about local delicacies, expressing delight about local produce or customs, are all good ways of showing the positive face of tourism.
2. Forget the Bucket List Mentality
For many tourists, a city break is distilled into a “hit list” of top attractions. These must be duly visited, photographed and ticked off the list. Some visitors approach this project with fanatical single-mindedness, which can easily translate into boorish and entitled behaviour.
Residents, who are well aware of the cultural richness of their city, may well find the obsessive pursuit of the world-famous masterpiece is somewhat insulting: for example, the Mona Lisa or Michelangelo’s David are rightly celebrated, but Paris and Florence hold so many more treasures that should be explored, appreciated and enjoyed.
Residents will be gratified by visitors who seek to truly understand the heritage of their city, who are delighted by the quirky and obscure as well as celebrating the cultural show-stoppers. The “been there, done that” mentality is relentlessly superficial; we all want to feel that our cherished heritage is worth more than a quick selfie or a boastful post on social media.
3. Read the Local Culture
You may well have gone to a foreign city for a riotous stag or hen weekend, but you must ensure that you restrict your rowdier antics to areas where locals go to party, rather than importing your drunken cheer to quiet residential streets and neighbourhood bars where your behaviour will be found seriously disruptive.
It is true that many cities cater for all types of tourists, ranging from culture vultures to night owls, but it is up to you to be sensitive to your environment and to ensure that you are respecting local customs and not transgressing in any way. As a visitor, you should not be imposing your own behaviour on your hosts; you should be adapting your behaviour to the cultural norms you are encountering.
If you are visiting a city with a specific agenda, do your research beforehand, and ensure that you have chosen an appropriate destination – a Renaissance jewel, revered for its art galleries, museums and exquisite restaurants, is hardly a suitable venue for a weekend of raucous partying.
4. Minimise your Physical Impact
Huge influxes of visitors will inevitably take their toll on the fabric of a historic city. In many cities, water sources are under stress, and endless showers and demands for clean towels from tourists are exacerbating an already critical situation. It is helpful to be aware of these issues and to take steps to curb any tendencies towards profligate wastefulness.
Litter is another major issue: tourists generate vast amounts of detritus, and many city authorities are finding it hard to cope with all that extra rubbish. Always be mindful of what you are leaving behind: ensure that all litter is properly disposed of, including cigarette butts and chewing gum (a real blight on pristine historic paving). If you are eating outside, ensure that paper napkins are anchored under plates, so they do not create wind-blown litter.
Always remember that noise carries at night, especially in narrow, building-lined streets. Even if you are simply returning to your hotel after a dinner out, your conversation may well be clearly audible to sleeping residents, so do your best to keep your voice down and minimise noise pollution. Wheelie suitcases can make a deafening clatter on cobblestones or uneven pavements, so if you’re arriving or departing late at night consider carrying your suitcase whenever possible.
5. Mind Your Manners
Are you being impeccably polite in all your interactions with residents? If you approach someone for help or directions, you should always say excuse me and politely inquire whether they speak English, rather than boorishly launching into your own language without showing any respect for theirs. Note: talking loudly and slowly in your own language in the mistaken belief that it will somehow become magically comprehensible is not only bad manners, it is also extremely stupid. Always thank residents effusively for any help they offer. Never make entitled demands, only ever make polite requests. Acknowledge that you are a guest, and that it is a privilege to be able to share their beautiful living space.
Always be respectful of older residents; give up seats on public transport and don’t hog benches in public spaces and parks. Acknowledging that they take priority will make them feel much less besieged and intimidated by growing numbers of visitors.
With the launch of the third season of Bridgerton, our attention is turned once again to all things Regency.
We have once again been looking at Regency etiquette guides, in particular The Mirror of All Graces, written by a “Lady of Distinction” and published in 1811. This is a Guide for young ladies, which takes a detailed look at fashions, female beauty, carriage and demeanour and deportment, and even drills down to the details of corsetry and recipes for face creams, lip salves and “wash for the hair”. It is a curious mixture of repressive moralisation and gushing effusion, and while it undoubtedly contains plenty of useful information, we can only feel sorry for the young ladies who had to conform to such complex and elevated standards of self-presentation and behaviour.
The main emphasis of the authoress appears to be on the importance of young ladies recognising and maximising their natural attributes and ensuring that they are not guilty of ‘affectation’, which is to be avoided at all costs. At all times it is important that a woman’s physique is matched by her demeanour and deportment, or she may be considered ridiculous:
“The youthful and delicate-shaped girl is allowed a gaiety of air which would ill become a woman of maturer years and larger proportions; but at all times of life, when the figure is slender, a swan-like neck, and the motions are naturally swaying, for that girl, or that woman, to affect what is called a majestic air, would be as unavailing as absurd.”
Ladies of “larger proportions” might not be able to achieve the quicksilver charms of the “young nymph”, but can make up for this deficiency with elegance and dignity:
“The woman whose figure bears nature’s own stamp of majesty, is generally of a stately make; her person is squarer, and has more of embonpoint than the foregoing. The very muscles of her neck are so formed as to show their adaptation to an erect posture. There is a sort of loftiness in the natural movement of her head, in the high swell of her expansive bosom. The step of this woman should be grave and firm: her motions few and commanding; and the carriage of her head and person erect and steady.”
Of course, there is always a risk that this commanding demeanour will lapse into haughtiness and an air of “undue consequence” which, instead of charming all and sundry, fills onlookers with a desire to “pull her at once from her throne”.
But what of ladies of “no determined character”, who do not fit into these two narrowly defined categories? They are urged to adopt their demeanour to fit the class of woman they most resemble, with the proviso that “a too faint copy of a model is better than an overcharged one.” As always, young ladies are urged towards moderation:
“By falling easily into the degree of undulating grace, or the dignified demeanour which suits your character, you merely put on the robe which nature designed, and the habit will be fit and becoming.”
Good deportment is yet another art that must be acquired and displayed at all times. The Lady roundly condemns the tendency to over-insist on an erect and upright posture, which can turn young ladies into stiff, soldier-like marionettes. She argues instead that ladies should display the ease and pliancy of dancers, which will ensure that their posture and gait is elegant, and that there is no slouching and slumping:
“Many of the naturally most pleasing parts of the female shape have I seen assume an appearance absolutely disgusting; and all form an outré air, vulgar manners, or hoydening postures. The bosom, which should be prominent, by a lounging attitude, sinks into slovenly flatness, rounding the back, and projecting the shoulders!”
The Lady finishes her treatise by concluding that these outward attributes form only a small part of the young lady’s appeal:
“While I exhort you to preserve your persons in comeliness, to array yourselves in elegance and sweet attractive grace, I would not lead you to believe, that these are all your charms…. Woman must, in every respect, and at all times, regard her form as a secondary object; her mind is the point of her first attention; it is the strength of her power.”
Much is being demanded of the young ladies of Regency times. They must identify and exploit their natural attributes, maintain an appropriate demeanour and ensure that their gait and carriage is always elegant and graceful. Having achieved all these outward charms, they must also manage to project a good mind and fine sensibility, as it is “deemed laudable in woman to collect into herself all the innocent advantages, mentally and corporeally, which may render her most admirable and precious in the eyes of him who may be, or is, her husband.” This is the crux of the matter: all the advice that must be heeded is to secure one end, an advantageous match.
Young ladies are advised to “ever hold a reserve on certain subjects” when conversing with men of “all ranks and relations” that would not apply when in the company of their own sex. Discretion and a sense of propriety is of paramount importance. To social inferiors they must “ever preserve a gracious condescension”. Finally, “to her equals, particularly of the male sex, her manners must never lose sight of a dignity sufficient to remind them that she expects respect will be joined with probable intimacy.” Only then will the young lady show herself to be worthy of a gentleman’s respect:
“The present familiarity between the sexes is both shocking to delicacy, and to the interests of women. Woman is now treated by the generality of men with a freedom that levels her with the commonest and most vulgar objects of their amusements…When any man, who is not privileged by the right of friendship or of kindred, to address her with an air of affection, attempts to take her hand, let her withdraw it immediately, with an air so declarative of displeasure, that he shall not presume to repeat the offence.”
A handshake was seen as unpardonably intimate in the Regency era, where the customary greeting was a discreet bow of the head or, when meeting someone of a notably higher social class, a curtsey.
It is very hard from our 21st-century perspective to appreciate what a delicate and precarious path young ladies of the ton were forced to tread during the Regency era. They had to be ever mindful of their appearance, carriage and deportment and aware that they were being scrutinised by exacting harridans like the “Lady of Distinction” and found wanting. But they also had to be acutely sensitive to the fact that a pleasing appearance was never going to be enough; they also had to be entertaining but discreet conversationalists and tactful diplomats, alive to the nuances of social class, mindful of their dignity, paragons of discretion and ever guarded against the risk of being treated with a demeaning lack of respect.
Top: Thomas Lawrence, Portrait of Caroline Matilda Sotheron, 1808
