Several of Europe’s most historic and beautiful cities have been in the news recently because of issues they are experiencing with tourism. Venice has started to charge a €5 daily entrance fee for day trippers (not popular amongst some residents who feel their city is being turned into a Disney-style theme park), while Amsterdam continues its fight against the wrong sort of tourism through information campaigns and earlier closing times for bars in the red-light district.
The problems are clear for all to see: historic cities with comparatively small populations are being completely overwhelmed by growing numbers of tourists, narrow streets are thronged with crowds, bars are open into the early hours creating a noise nuisance for city centre residents. Cities that were once considered ultra-civilised and liveable are becoming intolerable and everyday life is being disrupted. The economic benefits of mass tourism are undisputed but the capacity of many of these cities to absorb ever-growing numbers of tourists is severely limited.
Whilst many city authorities are now being forced to look at ways of controlling and regulating the influx, we’ve taken a look at ways in which visitors can help the situation:
1. Respect the Residents
This blindingly obvious advice is all too frequently ignored. It means taking your eyes off the maps, the app on your phone or your tour guide and observing the people around you. Are you blocking the street to resident pedestrians? Have you stood stock still to get a good photograph, causing a pile-up behind you? Are you in any way causing an obstruction or hindrance?
Don’t pile, mob-handed, into small neighbourhood shops; remember that these are facilities for local residents, not tourist attractions, and wait until there is a hiatus before exploring, preferably in small groups. No resident should ever feel shut out of their grocery store or delicatessen by a horde of non-purchasing gawpers.
Ask yourself, are you transgressing territorial rules in some way? – sitting on a private doorstep or taking endless photographs of an inner courtyard garden or front door is highly invasive. Nobody would dispute that public streets, parks and buildings are open to all, but it is important to acknowledge the fact that substantial parts of the city are not accessible and should be left well alone.
Remember, complimenting residents on the beauty of their city, asking advice about local delicacies, expressing delight about local produce or customs, are all good ways of showing the positive face of tourism.
2. Forget the Bucket List Mentality
For many tourists, a city break is distilled into a “hit list” of top attractions. These must be duly visited, photographed and ticked off the list. Some visitors approach this project with fanatical single-mindedness, which can easily translate into boorish and entitled behaviour.
Residents, who are well aware of the cultural richness of their city, may well find the obsessive pursuit of the world-famous masterpiece is somewhat insulting: for example, the Mona Lisa or Michelangelo’s David are rightly celebrated, but Paris and Florence hold so many more treasures that should be explored, appreciated and enjoyed.
Residents will be gratified by visitors who seek to truly understand the heritage of their city, who are delighted by the quirky and obscure as well as celebrating the cultural show-stoppers. The “been there, done that” mentality is relentlessly superficial; we all want to feel that our cherished heritage is worth more than a quick selfie or a boastful post on social media.
3. Read the Local Culture
You may well have gone to a foreign city for a riotous stag or hen weekend, but you must ensure that you restrict your rowdier antics to areas where locals go to party, rather than importing your drunken cheer to quiet residential streets and neighbourhood bars where your behaviour will be found seriously disruptive.
It is true that many cities cater for all types of tourists, ranging from culture vultures to night owls, but it is up to you to be sensitive to your environment and to ensure that you are respecting local customs and not transgressing in any way. As a visitor, you should not be imposing your own behaviour on your hosts; you should be adapting your behaviour to the cultural norms you are encountering.
If you are visiting a city with a specific agenda, do your research beforehand, and ensure that you have chosen an appropriate destination – a Renaissance jewel, revered for its art galleries, museums and exquisite restaurants, is hardly a suitable venue for a weekend of raucous partying.
4. Minimise your Physical Impact
Huge influxes of visitors will inevitably take their toll on the fabric of a historic city. In many cities, water sources are under stress, and endless showers and demands for clean towels from tourists are exacerbating an already critical situation. It is helpful to be aware of these issues and to take steps to curb any tendencies towards profligate wastefulness.
Litter is another major issue: tourists generate vast amounts of detritus, and many city authorities are finding it hard to cope with all that extra rubbish. Always be mindful of what you are leaving behind: ensure that all litter is properly disposed of, including cigarette butts and chewing gum (a real blight on pristine historic paving). If you are eating outside, ensure that paper napkins are anchored under plates, so they do not create wind-blown litter.
Always remember that noise carries at night, especially in narrow, building-lined streets. Even if you are simply returning to your hotel after a dinner out, your conversation may well be clearly audible to sleeping residents, so do your best to keep your voice down and minimise noise pollution. Wheelie suitcases can make a deafening clatter on cobblestones or uneven pavements, so if you’re arriving or departing late at night consider carrying your suitcase whenever possible.
5. Mind Your Manners
Are you being impeccably polite in all your interactions with residents? If you approach someone for help or directions, you should always say excuse me and politely inquire whether they speak English, rather than boorishly launching into your own language without showing any respect for theirs. Note: talking loudly and slowly in your own language in the mistaken belief that it will somehow become magically comprehensible is not only bad manners, it is also extremely stupid. Always thank residents effusively for any help they offer. Never make entitled demands, only ever make polite requests. Acknowledge that you are a guest, and that it is a privilege to be able to share their beautiful living space.
Always be respectful of older residents; give up seats on public transport and don’t hog benches in public spaces and parks. Acknowledging that they take priority will make them feel much less besieged and intimidated by growing numbers of visitors.
With the launch of the third season of Bridgerton, our attention is turned once again to all things Regency.
We have once again been looking at Regency etiquette guides, in particular The Mirror of All Graces, written by a “Lady of Distinction” and published in 1811. This is a Guide for young ladies, which takes a detailed look at fashions, female beauty, carriage and demeanour and deportment, and even drills down to the details of corsetry and recipes for face creams, lip salves and “wash for the hair”. It is a curious mixture of repressive moralisation and gushing effusion, and while it undoubtedly contains plenty of useful information, we can only feel sorry for the young ladies who had to conform to such complex and elevated standards of self-presentation and behaviour.
The main emphasis of the authoress appears to be on the importance of young ladies recognising and maximising their natural attributes and ensuring that they are not guilty of ‘affectation’, which is to be avoided at all costs. At all times it is important that a woman’s physique is matched by her demeanour and deportment, or she may be considered ridiculous:
“The youthful and delicate-shaped girl is allowed a gaiety of air which would ill become a woman of maturer years and larger proportions; but at all times of life, when the figure is slender, a swan-like neck, and the motions are naturally swaying, for that girl, or that woman, to affect what is called a majestic air, would be as unavailing as absurd.”
Ladies of “larger proportions” might not be able to achieve the quicksilver charms of the “young nymph”, but can make up for this deficiency with elegance and dignity:
“The woman whose figure bears nature’s own stamp of majesty, is generally of a stately make; her person is squarer, and has more of embonpoint than the foregoing. The very muscles of her neck are so formed as to show their adaptation to an erect posture. There is a sort of loftiness in the natural movement of her head, in the high swell of her expansive bosom. The step of this woman should be grave and firm: her motions few and commanding; and the carriage of her head and person erect and steady.”
Of course, there is always a risk that this commanding demeanour will lapse into haughtiness and an air of “undue consequence” which, instead of charming all and sundry, fills onlookers with a desire to “pull her at once from her throne”.
But what of ladies of “no determined character”, who do not fit into these two narrowly defined categories? They are urged to adopt their demeanour to fit the class of woman they most resemble, with the proviso that “a too faint copy of a model is better than an overcharged one.” As always, young ladies are urged towards moderation:
“By falling easily into the degree of undulating grace, or the dignified demeanour which suits your character, you merely put on the robe which nature designed, and the habit will be fit and becoming.”
Good deportment is yet another art that must be acquired and displayed at all times. The Lady roundly condemns the tendency to over-insist on an erect and upright posture, which can turn young ladies into stiff, soldier-like marionettes. She argues instead that ladies should display the ease and pliancy of dancers, which will ensure that their posture and gait is elegant, and that there is no slouching and slumping:
“Many of the naturally most pleasing parts of the female shape have I seen assume an appearance absolutely disgusting; and all form an outré air, vulgar manners, or hoydening postures. The bosom, which should be prominent, by a lounging attitude, sinks into slovenly flatness, rounding the back, and projecting the shoulders!”
The Lady finishes her treatise by concluding that these outward attributes form only a small part of the young lady’s appeal:
“While I exhort you to preserve your persons in comeliness, to array yourselves in elegance and sweet attractive grace, I would not lead you to believe, that these are all your charms…. Woman must, in every respect, and at all times, regard her form as a secondary object; her mind is the point of her first attention; it is the strength of her power.”
Much is being demanded of the young ladies of Regency times. They must identify and exploit their natural attributes, maintain an appropriate demeanour and ensure that their gait and carriage is always elegant and graceful. Having achieved all these outward charms, they must also manage to project a good mind and fine sensibility, as it is “deemed laudable in woman to collect into herself all the innocent advantages, mentally and corporeally, which may render her most admirable and precious in the eyes of him who may be, or is, her husband.” This is the crux of the matter: all the advice that must be heeded is to secure one end, an advantageous match.
Young ladies are advised to “ever hold a reserve on certain subjects” when conversing with men of “all ranks and relations” that would not apply when in the company of their own sex. Discretion and a sense of propriety is of paramount importance. To social inferiors they must “ever preserve a gracious condescension”. Finally, “to her equals, particularly of the male sex, her manners must never lose sight of a dignity sufficient to remind them that she expects respect will be joined with probable intimacy.” Only then will the young lady show herself to be worthy of a gentleman’s respect:
“The present familiarity between the sexes is both shocking to delicacy, and to the interests of women. Woman is now treated by the generality of men with a freedom that levels her with the commonest and most vulgar objects of their amusements…When any man, who is not privileged by the right of friendship or of kindred, to address her with an air of affection, attempts to take her hand, let her withdraw it immediately, with an air so declarative of displeasure, that he shall not presume to repeat the offence.”
A handshake was seen as unpardonably intimate in the Regency era, where the customary greeting was a discreet bow of the head or, when meeting someone of a notably higher social class, a curtsey.
It is very hard from our 21st-century perspective to appreciate what a delicate and precarious path young ladies of the ton were forced to tread during the Regency era. They had to be ever mindful of their appearance, carriage and deportment and aware that they were being scrutinised by exacting harridans like the “Lady of Distinction” and found wanting. But they also had to be acutely sensitive to the fact that a pleasing appearance was never going to be enough; they also had to be entertaining but discreet conversationalists and tactful diplomats, alive to the nuances of social class, mindful of their dignity, paragons of discretion and ever guarded against the risk of being treated with a demeaning lack of respect.
Top: Thomas Lawrence, Portrait of Caroline Matilda Sotheron, 1808
It is understandable that all your anxieties about the wedding come to a head in the hours before the ceremony commences. Months of planning and, inevitably, a substantial financial investment will have gone into your wedding day plans. Whether you are organising a quiet civil ceremony or a very traditional white wedding, complete with church service, you will inevitably experience jitters on the morning of the event.
Ideally, you should be able to savour the time leading up to the ceremony and enjoy the company of your parents and closest friends as you prepare yourself for your big day. Drawing up a wedding morning checklist may seem over-organised, but it will pay dividends, ensuring that everyone knows what they have to do, how long it will take, and how to deal with contingencies.
Traditionally, the bride and groom would spend the night before the wedding apart. If you decide not to, you should set off early on the day of the wedding to the place where you will each be getting ready.
The bridesmaids, best man and ushers must be at each of your respective locations in plenty of time if they have not been there the night before. It is best only to have the key players around at this stage; too many people milling about makes it difficult for everyone to get ready.
Never underestimate how much there is to do, not matter how much has been organised beforehand. It is always sensible to allow extra contingency time for last-minute crises and delays.
The Bride
Plenty of time should be allocated to getting ready and ensure that you eat something, no matter how nervous you are, as you will need plenty of energy for the day ahead.
Be attentive about getting into the dress and avoid any last-minute panics over smeared make-up, mussed-up hair, or last-minute stains by doing the following:
•Put on your underwear before you have your hair and make-up done.
•The mother of the bride and bridesmaids should get dressed before the bride, so that they can focus their full attention on getting her ready. Before they do so, they should wash their hands, and even wear clean white gloves, to ensure that there are no marks left on the dress.
•The bride should dress in the following order: wedding dress; shoes; veil or headdress; jewellery. If the dress must go over the head, make you’re your face is fully covered with a scarf so as not to ruin either your make-up or the dress.
•It is best not to complete dressing more than 30 minutes before departure, which will minimise any disturbance to the outfit – don’t sit down, which will cause crumpling. Allow plenty of time for getting into the dress, which is likely to have complicated fastenings.
•While you are waiting, fully dressed, for your departure, take a few moments to compose yourself – a sip of champagne will help to calm wedding day nerves.
•By now the wedding bouquets for the bridal party will have arrived, so you will be able to have a last-minute check of the full outfit in the mirror before you depart.
The Groom’s Party
While getting dressed is a less drawn-out procedure for the men, they should still allow plenty of time to avoid unnecessary panic. It is traditional for the groom, best man and ushers to meet for breakfast or lunch before going to the church or ceremony venue.
They should check beforehand that all the components of their suit are ready, and that they have all the necessary accessories, such as cufflinks and tie pins.
The best man and groom should have a final run-through of their speeches (separately) if required.
The best man should reconfirm that all the cars and taxis will arrive on time and know where they are going. He should check buttonholes have arrived, verify that he has the rings and gather any cards, emails or messages that are to be read out at the reception.
Once the buttonholes have arrived, defer pinning them until everyone is ready to depart; the less they are handled, the fresher they will look.
There are various items that the groom, best man and chief bridesmaid need to remember to take with them on the big day.
•Chief Bridesmaid
It is her job to carry everything that the bride will need over the course of the day, including make-up for touch-ups, in a small, elegant handbag.
She should ensure that she has a mobile phone so that she can contact the best man if necessary and be a point of contact for the bridal party. She should check beforehand that she has all the necessary numbers and ensure that the phone is muted for the ceremony.
If required, the bride’s overnight bag, handbag and other essentials for the following day can be left at the reception venue in advance. If the newly married couple are leaving for their honeymoon straight from the venue, then the bridesmaid should ensure that the luggage has been desposited at the venue.
All the bridesmaids should also leave everything the might need over the course of the day at the reception venue, such as a change of shoes camera and a wrap or shawl – they should be totally unencumbered for the ceremony.
•The Groom
The groom will need a mobile phone (muted) and his speech notes. Presents for the bridesmaids, car keys (if needed) and an overnight bag/honeymoon luggage can all be left at the reception the day beforehand.
He can also arrange for flowers for the mothers to be delivered to the reception venue that morning.
•The Best Man
The best man will need the rings, his mobile phone, speech notes, spare cash and enough money to cover church fees (where appropriate) and final payments for relevant suppliers.
He should ensure that the numbers of all the transport providers (hired cars, taxis etc) are stored on his phone and should check that he has all the relevant contact numbers for the rest of the wedding party, the caterers and so on.
It is a good idea to bring a fountain pen for signing the register.
It is important that everybody involved arrives at the ceremony in good time. There is a fine line between arriving too early and nervously waiting around and having to rush there to be on time. Here are some suggested timings:
•Ushers: 45 minutes before
•Best man and groom: 30-45 minutes before
•Guests: Up to 30 minutes before
•Grooms’ parents: 15 minutes before
•Mother of bride and bridesmaids: ten minutes before
•Bride and father: five minutes before*
*The notion that the bride should arrive “fashionably late” is the stuff of dramatic films and fiction, but in reality, it is extremely inconsiderate, both the to the groom (who has an agonising and nervous wait at the altar) and to the guests, who will be getting bored and restless. We have suggested building a 5-minute “safety zone” into the timings; if the bride and her father arrive with five minutes in hand, this is a useful period in which she can check on her hair and make-up and, with the assistance of the bridesmaids, arrange her dress and bouquet and take some deep, calming breaths before making her entrance.
Click here for Debrett’s Wedding Handbook
We’ve probably all experienced the stab of disappointment that comes with a digital birthday card (fleeting, generic, redolent of a laziness or perhaps a last-minute panic). A perfunctory birthday greeting sent by text is equally unsatisfying – it acknowledges the special day, but absolutely no effort has been made. All these options are, of course, preferable to completely forgetting to send any greeting at all.
A physical card is so much more satisfying than these digital options. For the recipient there is the feeling of anticipation when the envelope drops through the letterbox, often a flash of colour and individuality (especially if the address is handwritten) amongst the boring bills and circulars. Opening the card and appreciating the choice that has been made has its own pleasures, whilst the handwritten message inside, even if it is short and sweet, is evocative of the individual – over the years we come to recognise the handwriting of our friends and relations and that familiarity speaks volumes. We know that the sender has gone to some trouble: they have noted the date, selected the card, handwritten the message, found the address, purchased a stamp and posted the card. All these actions are implicitly understood when the card is opened and add greatly to its value. It is a simple demonstration of how investing time and imagination into a gesture reaps a reward.
Senders also experience benefits from this process. They may very well enjoy the process of choosing a suitable card and penning a personal message. When they pop the card into the postbox they will enjoy a gratifying buzz of self-commendation: they know full well that their gesture will be appreciated and that the small amount of effort required will speak volumes about the sense of attachment and loyalty felt towards the recipient. It is a thoroughly satisfying social transaction for both parties.
So why is this valuable gesture being eroded? The first stumbling block is remembering important birthdays. Traditionally, we all had our own ways of recording these dates: the most organised amongst us invested in a special ‘birthday book’; others annotated the addresses of friends and family with the all-important date; others transferred key birthdays into their diaries at the beginning of each year. These record-keeping practices will be seen as many people as increasingly antiquated. They may make a digital record of all-important birthdays or, more dangerously, come to rely on social networking sites to remind them of upcoming birthdays.
Once you rely entirely on technology as your aide-mémoire, you may be exposing yourself to glitches. Rather like the satnavs that send hapless drivers down blind alleys, social media can give users the illusion that everything is under control, tempting them to forfeit any sense of personal responsibility. Firstly, and most importantly, these sites only send out birthday reminders on the actual day – far too late for a timely birthday card. Also bear in mind that these sites can malfunction: you might have inadvertently turned notifications off; you might have problems with internet connectivity; you might need to update the app; your friend might have hidden their birthday notifications from you. If you depend on the site to notify you of upcoming birthdays you may well find yourself sending belated apologies or having to deal with friends or family who are upset by your apparent negligence. Explaining that you didn’t receive a birthday notification really isn’t an adequate excuse: it highlights the fact that you’re not investing much energy in remembering the all-important date and that you’re relying on technology. It is therefore a much better idea to opt for an analogue means of remembering.
Where do you keep your addresses? Are they stored digitally on your laptop? Are they buried deep in your WhatsApp messages, only retrievable after much digging? Are they kept in an address book? Are they jotted down in a random selection of notebooks/old diaries or preserved on old envelopes?
It is easy to see why an up-to-date digital address book is an attractive and orderly option. But you should countenance the possibility that you might have a computer disaster, a hard disk failure, or an unexpected loss of data. Of course, these contingencies can be dealt with by making back-up copies or storing data in the cloud, but you will have to be meticulous about safeguarding your data.
Many of us go through our entire adult lives with a battered, battle-scarred address book. These wonderful volumes not only serve the function of storing our addresses they are also a testimony to previous jobs, earlier relationships, failed or enduring friendships. They record itinerant friends, whose addresses have multiplied over the years, and bear testament to friends or relations who have stayed put. Scouring these books for an address is a tantalising exercise in nostalgia and (sometimes) amnesia – when we encounter names and addresses of passing acquaintances that have disappeared entirely from our lives.
Some of us will eschew this journey down memory lane as mere indulgence, and will renew address books at regular intervals, re-entering details of friends who have stood the test of time and eradicating extraneous information.
Whatever method you choose to employ, it is always a good idea to find an accessible method for storing addresses (and birth dates). Whether you take the risk of relying on digital reminders, or diligently populate your diary with significant dates to remember, sending a birthday card is always a worthwhile effort. And, of course, when it comes to your own birthday you will no doubt appreciate the reciprocal cards that pile up on your doormat and populate your mantlepiece – a very tangible reminder that you have not been forgotten.
Hosting a drinks party can be a hazardous affair. Your guests may not behave according to your script, and you might find that you’re forced to deal with dilemmas such as rowdy behaviour, gate-crashers and outraged neighbours. Plan ahead and you should be able to negotiate these problems with a cool head.
If you’re a liberal host and the drink flows freely at your parties, you will have to accept that you’re running the risk of acquiring some guests who are well over the limit. Follow these recommendations:
•Always have a list of taxi and mini-cab numbers close at hand.
•Observe signs of impending drunkenness carefully. Don’t intervene in a heavy-handed way (“I think you’ve had enough”). Just steer the guest to a quiet corner and attempt to ply him/her to drink some strong black coffee and stodgy food. You might even suggest that they lie down for an hour or two.
•If your guest has reached the stage of maudlin introspection, verbal (or even physical) aggression, or neediness and over-emotionalism, the fun is over. Take executive action and order a taxi. When it arrives announce decisively “Oh look, your taxi’s arrived”.
•Ignore any protests from the guests about not having ordered the taxi, just propel them firmly towards it. If they’re drunk enough, they may even assume that they’re suffering from a momentary memory lapse.
•Don’t berate drunk guests while they’re still intoxicated – they won’t remember and you’re wasting your energy. Concentrate instead on removing them safely from the party.
•If you’ve got a belligerent drunk who’s insisting on driving home, you may have to resort to desperate measures – hiding coats and car keys, blocking their car in, or even – as a last resort – plying him/her with an incredibly strong, unconsciousness-inducing ‘last drink’. It’s better to have a drunk guest sleeping it off on your sofa than to hear news of a terrible accident the following morning.
•If your guest has the good manners to apologise for their behaviour after the party, be gracious. Don’t belabour them with agonising tales of their transgressions, simply thank them politely. Making an ostensibly sympathetic remark like “I hope you didn’t have too terrible a hangover?”, is a good way of recognising the extent of the intoxication without launching into a reproach. Drinkers, take note!
•If you identify a guest who you suspect is a gatecrasher, ask around and make sure that none of your other guests know who they are before taking any steps. A guest may have brought a friend without clearing it with you – this is inconsiderate, but you’ll have to live with it. Marching up to an innocent plus one, who has been assured by your guest that they will be welcome, and demanding that they leave is an embarrassing faux-pas.
•You can avoid this potential minefield by specifying on invitations whether your guests can bring friends/partners.
•If your uninvited guest has no party connections, you should approach him/her and explain that this is an invitation-only party. Ask them politely if they have perhaps made a mistake and are looking for another location? This normally causes embarrassment and instant retreat.
•If your gatecrasher decides to brazen it out, you must decide whether you’re prepared to accept the intrusion (perhaps they look interesting or amusing – but this is a risky strategy). If not, you should ask them, firmly and politely, to leave. A repeated refusal to do so means that you will have to call the police, and you should make it clear to your gatecrasher that you’re prepared to do so.
•It is essential that you warn your neighbours when you are planning a party. Do so a few days before the date, just in case they want to make escape plans.
•Whenever possible, invite neighbours along to your parties – it’s much harder to feel outraged when you’re on the inside looking out and it’s a good way of consolidating friendships with neighbours.
•As the host, it is your job to be vigilant throughout the party; that means keeping an eye on your guests, noise levels, disturbances in the street, and intervening swiftly to head off any potential problems with neighbours.
•Before the party begins, make a decision about a reasonable time to quieten down. Remember that after midnight, many neighbours will feel entitled to complain (in fact, local councils define the hours between 11pm and 7am as the period when warning notices can be issued), so it might be a good idea to stop playing loud music before midnight. Once you’ve made your decision, tell your guests about it and stick to it. It’s easy to get swept away by the bonhomie of the occasion, so it’s a good idea to ask a couple of friends to keep an eye on the clock and remind you of your resolve.
•It’s quite acceptable to specify a finishing time on your invitations. Unless you are at a hired venue and you are being booted out at the appointed hour this ‘end time’ will never be a hard and fast rule, but it is at least an indication of your expectations.
•If guests stay on into the early hours, try and ensure that goodbyes and final chats take place within your house – not in the drive or on the street. Remind guests that it’s late and you don’t want to disturb the neighbours.
•If a neighbour comes round to complain, listen politely, apologise and turn down the music. No ifs, no buts. Noise disputes between neighbours can very quickly turn ugly and you do not want to be trapped in a tit-for-tat noise war.
•If you’re aware that your party has caused a commotion in the street, or if guests have argued with neighbours or been rude to them, it is imperative that you apologise as soon as possible (preferably the next morning). A bunch of flowers or a bottle of wine, accompanied by an apologetic card, should go some way towards easing any post-party tensions.
Vacillation, the tendency to hover between choices, unable to decide, can be crippling. On a mundane level it may mean that everyday choices (Which brand of coffee should I buy? Which sandwich filling should I choose? Which route should I take home?) are exhaustingly drawn out. But it is a characteristic that can have more profound impact.
Your own indecisiveness may feel detrimental to you, but you can also be sure that it will be causing your friends and family no end of frustration. An entrenched tendency to vacillate may very well come across as bad manners. If your friend invites you to a party or an outing and you cannot decide whether to commit, they will be left hanging, unsure of your plans and, what is worse, suspicious that you’re weighing up a better offer. We all know that, when we extend an invitation of any kind, a decisive and enthusiastic affirmative (or, failing that, a prompt and polite refusal) is the optimal response – we can plan accordingly and know where we stand. Waiting for a vacillator to decide feels very disempowering: we feel that we have handed over agency to them and have been placed in the role of a supplicant, who is waiting for them to hand down their judgement. Frustration can easily turn into irritation, or even a resolve not to repeat the experience.
Vacillation can be associated with ghosting – the withdrawal from all contact with a friend or romantic partner. The vacillator may find themselves stuck in a quagmire of hesitancy about whether to consolidate a relationship by responding positively to a date or invitation and end up procrastinating. When procrastination has been stretched to its limits it becomes embarrassing to resuscitate the contact, which is then ignored. In this way, delaying a resolution becomes a de facto decision: opportunities and possibilities are disregarded and eventually wither away.
If a tendency to vacillate can cause frustration amongst your social circle, it will certainly do real damage to your professional reputation. In most workplaces the ability to act decisively is highly valued. It is, of course, important to weigh up options and to understand the issues involved before coming to a decision, but if this process is hopelessly attenuated, or if you waver indecisively between different options, your professionalism will come into question. Decisiveness is associated with a bracing sense of self-confidence; vacillation looks weak and tentative. An ability to act decisively is always sought in managers and team leaders; vacillators ultimately become energy-sappers, sucking their colleagues into an endless cycle of hypothesising and procrastination.
In many professional situations vacillation is not tolerated. If you are offered a job or a change of role and ask for time to consider your acceptance, your request will be met with only limited tolerance. Wavering too long over your decision will be seen as a bad sign, and frequently the offer will be withdrawn. Once again, the inability to act decisively is seen as a de facto decision not to engage; opportunities are lost, and challenges remain untested.
If you recognise that you have a tendency to vacillate, a resistance to committing, or a penchant for procrastination, try the following:
•Resist hypotheticals
A lot of indecision is rooted in hypothetical thinking. When faced with a choice, your mind immediately goes into “what if?” mode. You find yourself trapped in a range of options, alternatives, hypothetical scenarios, which all work against making a simple decision, especially as you often envisage negative outcomes. You need to boil decisions down to an “either/or” question and eliminate the extraneous chatter.
•Resist perfectionism
You may find it hard to make decisions because you want your judgment to be 100 per cent correct, and you cannot countenance the possibility that you might make a mistake or misjudgement. It is important to remind yourself that every decision has room for error and that you cannot eliminate the risks.
•Recognise the dangers of vacillation
Prevaricating for too long effectively means that opportunities and possibilities inevitably dissipate. Making no decision (or delaying unreasonably) is often making the worst decision of all – very few good things in life occur because we fail to get off the fence.
•Understand the risks of vacillation
If you are paralysed over a challenging decision, weigh up the risks that you will incur with each option. You might understand that, even if the decision is not perfect, acting positively and decisively will do more good than harm. Remember that most wrong decisions are not irrevocable.
•Take responsibility
Don’t hide behind your vacillation. If a decision needs to be made, don’t assume that someone else will bear the burden; accept that sometimes the choice is yours, and yours alone, to make. Decisively taking charge is a real confidence booster.
•Take small steps
Think about your tendency to vacillate and start to remedy it through small steps. Observe your own behaviour in shops, bars and restaurants and set yourself the challenge of making decisive choices on an everyday level. Resolve to make firm, and prompt, commitments to social invitations. Not only will you be alleviating friends’ and colleagues’ frustration with your indecisiveness, you will also be training yourself into a more resolute mindset, which will pay dividends when you are asked to make really important choices.
No two social gatherings are ever the same, and even with an identical venue, refreshment and music, no party can ever be recreated. Atmosphere is an elusive commodity, and it falls on the shoulders of the host to create the right conditions for bonhomie to flourish. We take a look at six easy ways to ensure an at-home drinks party goes with a swing.
1. Work the Guest List
Don’t focus on a single group or clique – introduce new blood. Invite friends from different social circles and ask them to bring friends or partners. Ensure that everyone at your party will be given the chance to meet someone new. It is these new connections that will make your party memorable, widening social circles and providing opportunities for new friendships to prosper.
2. Let the Invitation do the Talking
Make the nature of the event crystal clear in the invitation. If you’re just ringing around or emailing, people will assume the event is informal. If you’re sending out printed invitations, pay special attention to the design and typography. It would be unforgivably pretentious, and very misleading, to issue a formal invitation to a party where guests will be bringing their own bottles, basic food is served straight from the oven, and dancing is to your own home-compiled CD.
Don’t leave anything to chance – if you have a specific dress code in mind, state it on the invitation (even if it’s just a general directive – e.g. ‘party frocks’ – rather than a specific dress code).
Make it clear if you’re serving food – Buffet, Canapés, Light Supper etc. You can also specify an end time if you don’t want the event to drag on.
3. Get the Mood Right…
Dress up your rooms with striking flower arrangements and pay careful attention to the lighting. Use lamps and fairy lights, or light candles – but make sure they’re safely tucked away. Designate a room where guests can leave their coats – you don’t want your hallway to become overwhelmed with coats and it’s important to ensure that movement between rooms is unrestricted. If you’ve got helpers (eg your children and their friends) you could make one of them responsible for taking coats upstairs, or into another unused room, and leaving them on a spare bed or sofa.
Your party may turn into a wild bacchanalia, but certainly at the start music (if used) should be subtle and non-challenging, and don’t turn up the volume so that guests are fighting to make themselves heard.
If possible, create ‘quiet rooms’ away from the maelstrom, where guests can withdraw for gentle conversation and comfortable seating.
4. Let the Drink Flow…
Make sure that your bar (or drinks table) is in an easily accessible location. You don’t want a frustrating bottleneck, with guests trying desperately to reach the elusive booze.
If you’ve using serving staff (or even your kids and their teenage friends) make sure you brief them clearly before the event and that they are instructed to never leave a glass empty…
Calculate (generously) how much alcohol per head and over-supply. A party that runs dry is an irredeemable social failure.
If possible, keep stocks of white wine, sparkling wine and champagne chilled in the fridge; if there’s no room use ice buckets generously packed with crushed ice (buy it in bags beforehand to ensure that you don’t run out).
Provide interesting non-alcoholic alternatives: elderflower cordial, ginger beer, fruit cup. Guests who are abstaining shouldn’t be condemned to a bread and water diet.
5. …And Don’t Forget the Food
It’s irresponsible to ply people with alcohol without supplying food. At it’s most basic this can be crisps, nuts, olives, and hunks of bread and cheese/ham.
More sophisticated catering can range from exquisite canapés to cooked sausages, chicken wings and meatballs or a buffet supper of cold ham, chicken, salmon and salads.
Remember, however, that this is primarily a drinks party. The more ambitious your catering the more provision you will have to make. The transition from finger food to food that requires plates (buffets or hot food) is a big step. Guests will also require cutlery and space in which they can serve themselves and eat in comfort (preferably seated). If you’re entertaining a large number of people in your home this might be overwhelming. Think carefully and plan your catering realistically.
6. Stay in Charge
You’re responsible for the party from beginning to end, and that means staying reasonably sober. You will need to have your wits about you, so that you can observe the comings and goings of your guests.
Watch out for wallflowers; if certain guests are finding it hard to mingle, it’s your job to swoop in, make introductions and indulge in social engineering. Don’t overdo your hosting duties: guests will be understandably annoyed if you keep interrupting them mid-conversation and moving them on to pastures new.
Keep your eye on supplies; monitor drink and food throughout the evening and ensure that both are flowing. The last thing you want is disconsolate guests rifling through your drinks cabinet or poking their noses into your fridge.
Do some subtle housekeeping; clear away discarded glasses and half-eaten plates of food throughout the evening. You don’t want things to get too sordid, and unobtrusive clearing will make the morning after the night before so much more palatable.
Monitor noise levels; remember your neighbours and don’t let your guests take control of the volume knob. Be wary of departing guests: you don’t want them to be hanging around on your doorstep, talking loudly and keeping the whole neighbourhood awake. If there are any signs of noisy malingering, make the effort to move guests on. Stay up until the bitter end. Send stragglers home in taxis, arrange beds for non-movers. Turns the lights out and the music off. It’s over.
The bowler-hatted, suit-wearing and brolly-wielding city gent is a British stereotype, and now the symbol of a bygone era, when respectability and conformity was highly valued. As society has evolved and become more fluid and less status-conscious, dress codes have been adapted and increasingly casual dress, even amongst city workers, has become the norm. We take a look at the history of the iconic British gent and discuss how times have changed.
It is possible to trace the evolution of this practical, hard hat to 1849 when a Norfolk-based landowner, Lord Coke, became frustrated with the impracticality of the top hats worn by his gamekeepers and turned to the hatters Lock & Co, who were based in St James Street, London. The master hat-maker Thomas Bowler devised a rounded, small-brimmed, indestructible prototype, following Lord Coke’s instructions: “It should be close fitting and snug so it won’t be knocked off by branches and won’t fly off in the wind. In addition, it should be sturdy so that if a horse steps on it, it will hold its shape. And, lastly, it should protect the gamekeeper’s head from blows, either accidental or by poacher attacks.”
This immensely practical hard hat soon spread far and wide. It was adopted by working men everywhere, from shipyard workers to train-drivers and, in the 1860s, even graced the head of Prince Albert Edward (the future Edward VII). From this point on, it was seen as an acceptable choice for gentlemen, and was widely adopted by bankers and city workers.
This was an era when a hat was de rigueur for all classes, but after the Second World War, working men began to go hatless and gradually the bowler was discarded by city workers as well, with the fashion fading entirely in the 1970s.
The lounge suit evolved from the ubiquitous frock coat in mid-19th century France, where it evolved as the ‘sacque’ coat, which was a simplified garment, cut from two basic pieces – unlike the frock coat which was made from four. It generally had three to four buttonholes (with only the top button worn fastened), was cut loose, and initially was made from linen.
This highly wearable jacket, which initially was paired with non-matching trousers, was widely adopted, especially after it was made in a wider range of wool and tweed fabrics and patterns, with matching trousers and even waistcoats. It soon became the standard uniform for anyone involved in business or the professions. When Montague Burton opened his tailoring business in Chesterfield in 1903, he ushered in a new democratic era; ready-made suits were affordable and available, and Burton’s quiet, conservative style, which eschewed loud patterns and extreme cuts, became the default choice for generations of British men.
Those who could afford to do so turned to the world-famous bespoke tailors of Savile Row, who offered a range of offerings from fully bespoke to custom (a prototype already exists, which can be adapted to the individual’s taste) to ‘bits hand-finished’ (an off-the-peg garment on which the cuffs and buttons have not been finished and can be individually specified).
Over the decades the silhouettes of suits evolved with fashion. In the late 1940s and 50s the dapper men about town of Chelsea and Mayfair sported slim-line, waisted suits that aped the fashions of the Edwardian era and were a marked contrast to the baggy cut of the ‘demob’ suits that were seen everywhere in Britain. These were part of a full set of clothing (a hat, shirts, tie, shoes and raincoat were also provided) that were handed out to British servicemen who were demobilised after the Second World War, many of which were made by none other than Montague Burton. In the 1980s, by contrast, suits were looser and more deconstructed, using lighter fabrics and dropped shoulders to drape the body.
The homogeneity of office dress was beginning to break down towards the end of the 20th century. Formal city firms introduced the concept of “dress down Fridays” and in media industries, such as publishing, journalism and broadcasting, suits were no longer indispensable. This was simply a reflection of the rise of leisure clothing and the emphasis on non-uniform individualism, which was becoming increasingly ubiquitous. The whole notion of “looking the part”, ie wearing your smartest clothes to indicate authority and competence, was being eroded.
This process, already underway, was rapidly escalated by the Covid pandemic and the working from home revolution. In short order, workers became used to the notion of dressing for comfort, or for their own pleasure, and sweatpants, hoodies, trainers, jeans, shorts and t-shirts proliferated.
Post-pandemic, many people are now participating in hybrid working and splitting their time between home and the office – the division between working life and home life is becoming more porous and dress is reflecting that. While the extreme casualness of home-work dressing (of the sweatshirt and pyjama bottom variety) is still considered inappropriate in all but private circumstances, and that includes video calls, there has been a marked change in expectations.
Unsurprisingly, the men’s suits market in the UK collapsed during the pandemic, dropping from £460 million in annual expenditure in 2017 to £157 million in 2020. While it is beginning to climb back from the Covid depths, most retailers of ready-made suits are focusing on smart separates: jackets, chinos, loafers and open-necked shirts are rapidly becoming the new ‘uniform’ for office workers.
Obviously, there are certain sectors where this is not the case, for example the legal profession, banking, politics. Some retail banks have experimented with a “smart casual” uniform for public-facing staff, but there is some resistance to this sort of experimentation. This would appear to be because many people still associate a smart suit with authority and professionalism – qualities they seek in people who are managing their money or legal affairs, or indeed broadcasting their nightly news. By the same token politicians, who seek a mandate from the voting public and are anxious to be viewed with respect, tend to wear suits when attending the Parliament, or appearing on television interviews. If they want to elicit feelings of friendliness and identification in the general public, they tend to discard their formal suits and opt for casual clothes, which they hope will advertise their ordinariness.
Many men will don a suit to attend an important interview (though it is always wise to check out the company culture first or you might cut an anomalous figure). They will certainly wear suits if called upon to attend a court of law or public hearing, where the wearing of a suit is seen as a mark of respect for the due process. Smart suits are still worn for weddings and funerals and “Lounge suits” may be specified as a dress code for smart, semi-formal social events.
Undoubtedly, suits are still an important part of most men’s wardrobes, but for many men they have ceased to be an item of everyday apparel, worn with clockwork regularity on all but the most casual of occasions. The human tide of bowler-hatted workers that ebbed and flowed in and out of the city on a daily basis has long dried up, leaving a much less predictable, and prescriptive, social landscape.
The flat racing season runs from April to October and takes place at a total of 59 racecourses throughout the UK. It starts this year, as is traditional, with the meeting at Haydock Park in Merseyside in late April.
As the name implies, flat racing involves a headlong dash along a level field, with no obstacles. It is the ultimate test of the speed and stamina of the horse, as well as the consummate skill of the jockey, who must ‘read’ the racecourse, constantly assess the competition, and make an accurate judgement about how to pace his horse throughout.
Races are run over distances from five furlongs (0.6 miles) to over two miles and are tailored to the age, gender or ability of the horse. The most famous flat races are the ‘Classics’, which are restricted to three-year-old colts and fillies and run over different distances: the 1000 Guineas at Newmarket; the 2000 Guineas at Newmarket; the Oaks at Epsom Downs; the Derby at Epsom Downs; the St Leger at Doncaster. When it comes to pomp and prestige, Royal Ascot, in June, is the pinnacle of the flat racing season.
You’ll enjoy your trip to the horse races all the more if you’re appropriately dressed, well-informed and know what to expect and how to behave. And remember, a hearty picnic will set up yourself and your guests for the long afternoon ahead.
In 2023 The Jockey Club announced that formal dress codes at its 15 racecourses would no longer be in place, in a bid to make racing more inclusive and accessible. Dress codes still apply at many racecourses, which means racegoers will be turned away if they’re inappropriately dressed, so it is wise to check guidance online before attending. Even when dress codes they are not compulsory most racegoers enjoy making an effort and see dressing up as an integral part of the day.
A day at the races is a special occasion and you should dress smartly. Men should wear a suit, or jacket, in both cases with a tie. Ladies should choose a smart dress or suit (steer clear of miniskirts, halter necks and spaghetti straps). It’s fine to wear trouser suits (or a matching top and trousers). Remember there will be a lot of standing around, some of it on uneven ground, so toe-pinching stilettos might not be the best choice.
The flat racing season extends from spring to autumn so – given the vagaries of British weather – it is quite likely that racegoers will have to contend with torrential downpours and chilly, overcast days. Take the weather into consideration: there is nothing worse than shivering in a skimpy summer frock in a biting east wind. Plan for contingencies: bring a smart pashmina or jacket to avoid goose pimples and equip yourself with an umbrella (you can always leave it in the car).
Racing events provide an ideal opportunity to wear a stylish hat. Many gentleman race-goers opt for a panama hat, which sets off a light linen suit.
Ladies can indulge in more extravagant headwear – especially on ladies’ days (specially designated days at certain race meetings) when flights of fantasy are positively encouraged. Just remember that a huge cartwheel creation may look stunning but is a hazard to everyone around you: kissing other hat-wearers leads to disastrous collisions and you may irritate other racegoers by blocking their view.
If you can’t afford to lose the money, don’t bet, and remember that being a sore loser will only spoil the day for your companions; many people will find your inability to mask your disappointment gauche and embarrassing. Try and accept both wins and losses with equanimity – gloating about your astonishing good fortune is never a good look.
If you do happen to have a lucky win, spread the good will and largesse around. Buy drinks for your companions and revel in the opportunity to display your generosity. Quietly secreting your winnings and keeping a low profile will not endear you to your friends.
Most racecourses offer a large range of restaurants and eating choices. It is also considered traditional to bring your own picnic.
Picnics are often taken at the car before the first race. If you’re in charge it’s best to keep it simple – salmon, ham, pâté and fresh bread, a classic Quiche Lorraine, potato salad (try adding capers, chopped mint and minced anchovies) with a bowl of salad (bring your vinaigrette in a screwtop jar). A coolbox of wine, beer and soft drinks will get your racing party going with a swing.
This hearty fare should set your guests up for a long afternoon of racing thrills and the inevitable visits to the bar.
Make sure that all your guests are well supplied with form guides and have every opportunity to sit down, relax and enjoy the refreshments on offer – an afternoon at the races can be very tiring.
Pace yourself and moderate alcohol intake with water, soft drinks and snacks.
Backing one or two horses to place will, in the long run, not offer you the same returns as betting on three or four horses to win. Avoid outsiders, but if the going is heavy, form generally means nothing – an outsider can be worth a punt. Study the form guides and look for a horse that has improved gradually. Listen to betting shop and trackside chatter and keep an eye on any horse that is being well backed. Most importantly, set yourself a betting limit and stick to it.
Familiarise yourself with betting jargon below and you’ll feel more confident about placing that all-important bet. Before the advent of mobile phones, bookmakers used to communicate the odds of certain horses each other using ‘tic-tac’, a complex sign language, which is fast disappearing. Even without the impenetrable hand gestures, bookies are quick-witted, knowledgeable fast-talkers, so it’s good to be prepared.
Accumulator Bet: a bet involving more than one horse/race. Each winning selection then goes on to the next horse (bet). All selections must be successful to win any money back.
Backed in: a horse on which lots of bets have been placed, the result being a decrease in the odds offered.
Banker: a safe bet; a strong favourite
Beeswax: Rhyming slang for tax.
Bismarck: a favourite that bookmakers expect to lose.
Book: a record of the bets made on a particular race or other sporting event.
Double: a bet on two selections, both of which must win.
Drifter: a horse whose odds get bigger just before the race due to a lack of support in the market. Often referred to as being ‘on the drift’.
Maiden: a horse that is yet to win a victory.
Monkey: £500
Each-way: a bet where half the total stake is for the selection to win, and half is for the selection to be placed (usually in the first three).
Evens/Even money: a price of 1-1 when your stake brings equal winnings e.g. £10 staked at evens wins £10 (total return £20).
Forecast: a bet where the aim is to select both the winner and runner-up in a race.
In-running betting: betting on the outcome of a race during the race itself, rather than beforehand.
On the nose: betting on a horse to win only, as opposed to backing it each way.
Pony: £25
Rock cake: a small bet.
Score: £20
Shortening odds: bookmaker’s reduction of the odds on a particular horse.
Short price: low odds, meaning a punter will get little return for their initial outlay.
Single: the simplest and most popular bet, normally a win bet on one horse in one race.
Stake: the amount of the bet placed.
Starting price (SP): the final odds prevailing at the time the race starts.
Straight forecast: a bet where the aim is to select both the winner and runner-up
in the correct order.
Ton: £100
23rd April is Shakespeare’s birthday, and we are celebrating the day by looking at some of the bard’s most famous advice about how to behave. In Hamlet Polonius, the chief counsellor to the king, is depicted as conniving, scheming, lacking self-knowledge and something of a windbag. But despite these character deficiencies his speech to his son Laertes (Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3), who is about to embark on a trip to France, contains many pearls of wisdom which have become precepts that are part of the English language. We’ve taken a look at Polonius’s advice about manners and behaviour and find that it still holds true today:
“Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportioned thought his act.”
•Think before you speak or act.
This advice is as pertinent as ever today when impulsiveness is aided and abetted by the instantaneous speed of virtual communication. Unfortunately, social media communications are frequently taking place within an isolated, de-contextualised space, removed from the mediating judgment of other people, which can mean that all too often we act on impulse. If we are angry, upset or outraged we are far more likely to communicate impulsively, without stopping to think about consequences. In the heat of the moment, we lose our ability to pause, think empathetically about our ‘victim’ or target, logically examine how our remark will make them feel, assess the magnitude of any potential fallout.
“Be though familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch’d, unfledged comrade.”
•Value true friendship and intimacy and don’t be beguiled by casual acquaintances.
Taking intimacy for granted is a sure-fire way to estrange; slapping your new boss on the back on your first day may well have you relegated to the post-room. If familiarity breeds contempt, over-familiarity propagates pure bile. Over-familiarity often masks, at best, off-putting insecurities and, far worse, a real idleness – investing in true friendship requires energy and commitment and there are no short cuts.
Developing a meaningful friendship involves listening attentively, offering unstinting support, being unfailingly loyal while knowing when lines must be drawn. Above all, friendships need to be nurtured. Don’t be endlessly side-tracked by the attractions of novelty – you will get the reputation of being a hopeless social butterfly, who has no integrity or staying power.
“Beware of entrance to a quarrel, but being in,
Bear’t that the opposed may beware of thee.”
•Don’t be quick to pick a fight, but once you’re in one, hold your own.
In Shakespeare’s day picking a fight could be fatal (see Romeo & Juliet). In an era when young men swaggered around the streets, pumped up with their own machismo and in possession of lethal swords and daggers, a minor brawl could soon turn murderous.
While this is no longer likely, conflict is part of everyday life, especially online, where violent arguments break out with depressing regularity. Before you enter the fray, whether it is a virtual spat or a volatile post-dinner argument, think carefully about your point of view and only enter arguments where you hold strongly held opinions; don’t merely jump into a dispute for the sake of it. Once you are involved in an argument, hold your ground and aim – if no resolution can be reached – to disagree agreeably. That means listening carefully to the opposing point of view, conceding points that are indefensible, immediately acknowledging if you have made a mistake, and recognising that the other person’s view is valid. You will be seen as a force to be reckoned with and respected.
“Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice.
Take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgement.”
•Listen to many people but talk to a few.
Listening is not about merely waiting to see your piece while someone else talks. There is a skill in listening that goes beyond the ability to remember every detail for future reference. Concentrate on what is being said and maintain eye contact; listening while glancing occasionally at your phone is obviously not good enough. Listening can often tell you far more than you merely hear – whether it’s the latest gossip at work, your child confiding something important to you, or your aged parent casually mentioning a trip to the doctor. Don’t block out these precious insights with your own heedless chatter… Finally, listen with discernment: it is always sensible to canvas other people’s opinions, but it is wise to reserve your own judgement until you have thought carefully about the matter in hand.
“Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express’d in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man…”
•Always wear the best clothes you can afford.
It is foolish to squander limited resources on fancy outfits, but it is imperative to try and look the best you can within the limits and constraints of your budget. Clothes say a great deal about the individual: not only do they reflect comparative wealth and good taste (or the lack of it). They are also an invaluable way of projecting an image to the world – sleek professional, elegant man or woman of leisure, intriguing bohemian, perpetual student. Sometimes their very anonymity speaks volumes about lack of self-confidence or feelings of mediocrity. Never make the mistake of thinking that clothes don’t matter; that would be naïve. At the very least, the fact that you have evidently made an effort with your appearance is a universal sign of respect, and vital in any situation where you are being judged or assessed.
“Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.”
•Lending can jeopardise friendships, while borrowing can create the delusion of wealth.
Lending often taints friendship and changes its parameters. If a friend asks you to lend them something, they are effectively asking you how much you like and trust them. You are then placed in a difficult position. You may secretly like them a little less for asking and may be forced to say no for practical reasons (if you can’t afford to lend them money for instance). Saying no for any other reason effectively means that you don’t trust them.
Ask yourself if agreeing to a loan is encouraging or enabling irresponsible behaviour. It is likely that the person you are dealing with is not a good money-manager, and lending them money forces you into a position where you are monitoring their expenditure, hyper-aware of extravagance, puzzled by sudden shortfalls. Do you want to have that role in their lives? Whenever possible, it is more liberating to give rather than lend, if possible as it is within your control to limit or expand the gift, squash the sense of obligation and move on.
Borrowing can seriously upset the balance of a relationship. If you must borrow money from someone you know, you can manage the situation by spelling out your eagerness to settle the debt, for example by setting up a standing order the very day of the loan. Bear in mind that if one friend is always “short of change” or seems to have permanently “forgotten my debit card” then they will gradually erode trust. The lender will begin to feel irritated, and their irritability will be considerably compounded by a feeling of pettiness (who quibbles over a cup of coffee or a bus fare?). But that is the trouble with borrowing and lending: its impact is cumulative and eventually, if the transaction is always one-sided, it can cause fractures in friendships because one friend is always the hapless giver and the other is a remorseless taker.
“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
•Be true to yourself and you won’t be false to anybody else.
This precept about integrity and self-knowledge has gained fresh currency in an era when the virtual world gives us endless scope for self-invention, delusional claims and outrageous fabrications. Whether we are on an online dating site or ‘curating’ our own persona social media, it can be extremely tempting to tweak and enhance mundane reality. Ultimately, embroidering the truth will not survive the scrutiny of the real world and will simply engender a lack of trust and a tendency to feel suspicious amongst other people.
