The Mother’s Day carnival is approaching. The shops are laden with cards, restaurants are offering special lunches, florists are preparing for the annual onslaught.
Remember, the point of Mother’s Day is for children (of whatever age) to acknowledge and celebrate their own mother. If you are a mother, don’t assume that you now have a right to bask in a generalised celebration of motherhood. There is really no reason why your own parents, in-laws or indeed your husband or partner should be showering you with gifts or cards, although of course this is a matter of personal choice – the main point is that your own children take the lead in celebrating the role you play in their lives.
As with all these events, the safest option is to acknowledge the day, at least by sending a card. You may have a mother who decries the whole commercial palaver and pours scorn on the ‘manufactured’ celebrations, but you can never be sure whether – in a private and sentimental moment – she regrets her children’s austere disregard for the special day.
If you are disposed to roll out the red carpet, think carefully about your mother’s character and taste. She may well love an elaborate meal in a fancy restaurant, but she might be someone who appreciates a quiet afternoon tea, home-made cakes and games with her grandchildren. Resist gifts that are blazoned with platitudes (“for the best mum in the world”), which just look lazy and hackneyed, and never buy your mother something that is practical and utilitarian, which will merely reinforce her feeling that she has been consigned to the traditional roles of cooking and caring. Escape the conveyor belt conformism of restaurants offering “Mother’s Day Menus” and consider taking her out for a special treat – a visit to an art gallery, stately home or garden, a ticket for the theatre or a concert.
Flowers are seen as a cliché, but very few mothers will turn their noses up at the gift of flowers. Try to incorporate her favourite flowers, scents and colours to create a truly personal gift and remember most mothers will appreciate a hand-tied, carefully assembled posy much more than an extravagant bouquet.
Encourage young children to make home-made cards for their mothers, which will be infinitely more touching than commercial products, and remember that this day is all about helping children to make a real effort to please their mothers – breakfast in bed is always a good place to start.
Attention all partners! If you have children, accept the fact that – as well as treating your own mother – you now have responsibility for your children’s Mother’s Day efforts. You may well have to work some behind-the-scenes magic to ensure that small children, recalcitrant teenagers, or forgetful and distracted adult offspring are marshalled for Mother’s Day. Gentle reminders beforehand, plus some stage management on the day itself will ensure that you choreograph a successful day, whether the choice is to indulge the lucky mother in some home pampering or take her out for lunch or any other treat.
If you are separated or divorced Mother’s Day provides a whole new set of conundrums. The hope is that shared custody arrangements are flexible enough to ensure that the children can enjoy the day with their mothers. But of course, this is not always the case so, if you are going to be deprived of the chance to see your own children on Mother’s Day, it is a good idea to steer away from regrets and resentment and concentrate on devising an “alternative” day.
Ex-partners may find themselves responsible for ensuring that their children are making adequate preparations for Mother’s Day (home-made cards, baking a cake etc). This can be difficult if you are nursing feelings of rage and resentment towards your ex-partner but, as always with this type of scenario, you must put your own feelings behind you and concentrate on your children. It is your job to facilitate and supervise and ensure that they have a memorable and satisfying day.
Never use the children as instruments in your own private warfare at this time of year. It is extremely manipulative to use your children to convey messages to your ex-partner, especially if their content is barbed. It is essential that you never make your children feel guilty about spending the day with their other parent, for example electing to visit their own mother instead of joining your new partner and their half siblings.
Stepmothers count too! Always encourage small children to acknowledge the role their stepmothers play in their lives. As you grow older, you will be conscious that remembering your stepmother as well as your own mother is kind and considerate. It is a simple way of making your stepmother feel appreciated; even if you are prioritising your own mother on the day itself, a card and a thoughtful gift for your stepmother will go a long way.
While, strictly speaking, your partner, husband or wife is responsible for acknowledging their own mother, it never does any harm to jump on the in-law bandwagon and participate in the celebrations, even if it just a matter of signing a card and organising a bouquet. Many mothers really do value their children in-law and do their utmost to make them a part of the family. Joining in their Mother’s Day celebration is an effective way of cementing family bonds.
Remember, this is not a celebration for everybody. Many people have lost their mothers, are nursing them through a terminal illness, are recently bereaved or are seriously estranged. As always, “universal” festivities, when the marketplace is flooded with saccharine reminders and gift suggestions, can be extremely painful for those who are unwilling, or unable, to participate.
Women who have longed for children and not been able to become mothers, for whatever reason, may also feel that this day has a special poignancy. It is only right to celebrate your own mother, but many women will also assume that at some point they too will be showered with Mother’s Day largesse and the realisation that this will not happen can be extremely painful.
If you are feeling vulnerable in the lead-up to Mother’s Day, take action: enlist the support of partners, friends or family, explain that you are seeking help or distraction. You could suggest going out for a long walk, sharing a spa day, enjoying a concert or a wine tasting – it might even become an alternative annual ritual. The main thing is to avoid crowded restaurants and pubs serving Mother’s Day “Specials”, which may well reinforce your feelings of loss.
If you are not personally affected by any of these issues, think about your friends and relations and their own particular dilemmas. Being aware that the day might pose difficulties, and being prepared to provide distraction when it is needed, is the best Mother’s Day gift of all.
We celebrate International Women’s Day on 8th March and are encouraged to “Imagine a gender equal world. A world free of bias, stereotypes, and discrimination. A world that’s diverse, equitable, and inclusive. A world where difference is valued and celebrated.”
While there is much yet to be achieved, we can certainly join together in celebrating how far we have come and now is a good time to look at two sample Etiquette Guides from 1743 and 1875, which are eloquent reminders of the inequalities, rigid expectations and repressiveness that was the lot of women in British society.
The Lady’s Companion or, An Infallible Guide to the Fair Sex, Containing Observations for their Conduct thro’ all Ages and Circumstances of Life was published in 1743. At the time it was no doubt considered an indispensable guide for young ladies who were contemplating their entry into society, although it sounds extremely patronising to the modern ear.
What was the quality that was most valued and treasured in the young women of the mid-18th century? It was certainly not the adventurousness, independence, determination and boldness that we value so highly today:
“Modesty checks and controls all rude Eoxrbitances, and is the great Civilizer of Conversations. It is indeed a Virtue of a general Influence, does not only ballast the Mind with sober and humble Thoughts of ourselves, but also steers every Part of the outward Frame. It appears in the Face in calm and meek Looks, where it so impresses itself, that it gives the greatest Lustre to a Feminine Beauty.”
Modesty was considered the prime virtue, because a modest young lady would be characterised by a meek and biddable exterior, and would never fall into the trap of self-assertiveness, over-confidence or argumentativeness. It ensured that she was condemned to be a listener, a person whose engagement in conversations was signalled by mild interest and ready assent:
“As Modesty prescribes the Manner, so it also does the Measure of speaking; it restrains all excessive Talkativeness…He who engrosses the Talk, enforces Silence upon the rest, and so is presumed to look upon them only as his Auditors and Pupils, while he magisteriously [sic] dictates to them. It is universally an insolent, unbecoming Thing, but most peculiarly so in Women.”
A talkative woman who commanded the attention of an audience was seen as peculiarly repugnant – it reversed the natural order of the genders, forcing men into a subservient and secondary position. Most gentlemen of this era would have found it humiliating to succumb, especially in public, to a dominant woman, and there is much talk about how assertive women were seen as unnatural:
“Such a degenerate Age do we live in, that every Thing seems inverted, even Sexes, whilst Men fall into the Effeminacy and Niceness of Women, and Women take up the Confidence, the Boldness of Men.”
This comment repeats a common trope in 18th-century commentaries: the fear that the world is being turned upside-down, and the more assertive and confident women become the more that men are emasculated and demeaned. These humiliated men are characterised as effeminate and “nice”, in the archaic sense of being particular and finicky:
“Not only the Air, but Vices of Men are carefully copied by some Women, who think they have not made a sufficient Escape from their Sex, ‘till they can be as daringly wicked as the other. A sober modest Dialect is too effeminate for them; a blustering ranting Stile is taken up, and to shew themselves proficient in it, adorned with all the Oaths and Imprecations, their Memory or Invention can supply… And when to this a Woman adds the Sin of Drunkenness, nothing that is human approaches so near a Beast. She who is first a Prostitute to Wine, will soon be so to Lust also.”
It would appear that women were not universally acquiescent when it came to the much-vaunted virtues of modesty and meekness. Even in 1743 they were being accused of aping the manners of men and even making a display of masculine vices such as drunkenness – it is certainly conceivable a small minority of courageous and enterprising women were intent on breaking the bonds of a repressive society and asserting their willingness to behave as they chose. Such “anti-social” behaviour was, however, roundly condemned; the vice of drunkenness is firmly linked with lust, and female adventurers were seen as “prostitutes”, a terrible accusation in a society where reputation and sexual probity were paramount concerns.
Beeton’s Manners of Polite Society or Etiquette for Ladies, Gentlemen and Families (1875) was published well over a century later and it is fascinating to see how much has changed. The paternalistic and patronising tone of the earlier book, the extolling of female virtues and the moralistic condemnation of female vices has all but disappeared, and the book is written in a much more recognisable and modern style:
“To form a perfect conversationalist many qualifications are requisite. There must be a knowledge of the world, knowledge of books, and a facility of imparting that knowledge; together with originality, memory an intuitive perception of what is best to say, and best to omit, good taste, good temper and good manners. Few things are more delightful than for one intelligent and well stored mind to find itself in company with a kindred spirit – each understanding the other, catching every idea and comprehending every allusion.”
It would appear that – finally – women are being valued for their intelligence, sensitivity, quick wit and experience, rather than their ability to stay quiet and remain meek and modest. Reading this passage, it seems that the conversational capacities of women are being recognised and that they are finally being allowed to take an equal place in drawing and dining rooms, able to enjoy the cut and thrust of conversation on an equal footing with their male companions.
However, it would be a mistake to assume that equality has in any way been achieved:
“Generally speaking, it is injudicious for ladies to attempt arguing with gentleman on political or financial topics. All the information that a woman can possibly acquire or remember on these subjects is so small in comparison with the knowledge of men that the discussion will not elevate them in the opinion of masculine minds. Still, it is well for a woman to desire enlightenment, that she may comprehend something of these discussions when she hears them from the other sex, but let her refrain from controversy and argument on such topics, as the grasp of the female mind is seldom capable of seizing or retaining.”
The freedom of women to speak their mind on a range of topics is severely curtailed and we are informed that political or financial topics are considered well beyond their grasp. Of course, in late Victorian England the worlds of politics and finance were exclusively male, and it was felt that it was impossible for women to gain any in-depth knowledge of these arcane subjects – something that was palpably untrue, if a woman was resourceful, intelligent and determined.
The final insult is the patronising aside that it is desirable for women to “desire enlightenment” (presumably ask simple questions) so that they can “comprehend” the lofty and well-informed discussions on these topics conducted by men. “The female mind”, we are told, is incapable of grasping, or retaining this kind of knowledge.
This is an excellent example of the kind of discrimination that was to bedevil women for the following century. Excluded from the world of work, and patronised and belittled for their lack of knowledge and experience, they were consigned to an ambiguous role: they were expected to be good conversationalists, capable of quick-witted and flirtatious banter, keen observation, and empathy; they were not expected to be bracingly well-informed and intelligent commentators on worldly matters. It was not until after the Second World War that these social attitudes began to break down.
Picture (top): The Life and age of woman, stages of woman's life from the cradle to the grave. James Baillie, c. 1848.
The London Underground is the oldest underground railway system in the world. Dating back to 1863, it operates 451 escalators in 272 stations, serving a population of 9.6 million in Greater London, with 1.35 billion passengers per year.
Given the tidal waves of traffic that engulf the system daily, it is scarcely surprising that the tube authorities evolved a code of underground etiquette, which regulated passenger behaviour, and was disseminated through an imaginative series of public information posters.
Escalators did not appear on the system until 1911, at Earl’s Court. A one-legged man named ‘Bumper Harris’ was employed to ride up and down the escalator in a bid to persuade reluctant passengers that the innovation was perfectly safe. Initially, guards instructed passengers to walk up the escalators, treating them as moving staircases. These first escalators used a ‘shunt’ mechanism, which ended with a diagonal partition that diverted passengers to the left. Gradually underground workers introduced a system where those who wished to stand could do so on the right-hand side, while those who wanted to walk were instructed to use the left-hand side so they were not forced to cut through the standing passengers when they disembarked.
Escalators evolved and became more sophisticated, but the early pattern of standing on the right, walking up on the left became a fixture of tube travel, a part of every Londoner’s psyche. This pillar of tube etiquette was only challenged in 2016 when TfL authorities, increasingly concerned by the demands that growing numbers of Londoners were making on the over-stretched transit system, decided to investigate the idea that – especially when escalators were extremely long and therefore an unappealing walking prospect, eg at Holborn – passenger flow would be significantly increased if both sides of the escalator were used for standing passengers. An experiment was duly set up at Holborn station: passengers were advised by megaphone-wielding tube workers that both sides of the escalator were for standing only. The experiment confirmed the authorities’ theory and passenger flow increased by 24 per cent. However, passengers were deeply perplexed and irritated by the new regime and clearly felt that they were being deprived of a fundamental freedom. TfL have not repeated the experiment.
There is no doubt that, for passengers who are in a hurry, anxious to use running up escalators as part of their daily cardio regime, or simply bored by the slow trundle of the escalators, the current system provides an invaluable freedom of choice. Of course, like much etiquette, it will only work if the system is respected, and most passengers comply willingly. However, despite clear signage and evident custom, the standing on the right rule is sometimes disregarded by visitors to London, or people travelling in large groups. When this happens, the offenders will find themselves subjected to passive-aggressive tuts and pseudo-polite “Excuse me” exclamations. It is just not done.
Interestingly, the deeply ingrained London escalator rules have been transferred to travelators in British airports. Of course, some weary passengers are more than happy to stand still and let the travelator do the hard work of pounding down the endless corridors. Others are desperate to put the whole airport experience behind them and keen to exploit the double-speed option of walking along the travelator. In general, people tend to stand on the right and walk on the left even though they are not explicitly requested to do so by the airport authorities.
1. Leave one step between you and the person in front. This will ensure that you are not bumping up against the preceding passenger, but will also minimise the gap, ensuring more people can utilise the escalator at the same time.
2. Be vigilant about parents with buggies and small children and anyone with mobility issues, stand back and gesture for them to get on the escalator first. It will be much easier for them if they do not feel pressurised by fellow passengers.
3. Remember the standing on the right rule applies to your luggage too. If you’ve got really big bags, put them on the step in front of you, and ensure that they’re not poking out into the left-hand land and impeding walkers’ progress.
4. Hold on to the handrail, face forwards, and keep your feet firmly on the step. Don’t stare fixedly at the people going in the opposite direction, which is disconcerting.
5. Move on. Remember, it’s a moving staircase, which is repeatedly disgorging people, so once you disembark move on swiftly to ensure that you’re not causing an obstruction to the people behind you – no bemused hanging round as you try to work out where to go, or sudden bending over to tie your shoelaces.
Whether you are welcoming in-laws, grandparents or older friends or relatives into your home, it is essential that you play the generation game. Even middle-aged guests will find their energy levels and priorities challenged by a household with young children, so you must think carefully about your guests’ age, tastes, stamina and disposition before inviting them to your home.
Before welcoming older guests to your home, examine your house carefully and ensure that you have addressed the following questions:
•Are there plenty of comfortable chairs?
It can be difficult for older people to manoeuvre themselves out of very low-slung chairs and sofas. It’s better to supply more upright chairs, with armrests (for leverage) and plenty of scatter cushions (for back support).
•Have you supplied occasional tables?
It’s not just older people who sometimes find it hard to reach drinks that are on the floor, and won’t want to juggle plates, cups and glasses on their laps. Provide handy tables adjacent to their chairs.
•Is there enough light?
Very dim lighting will play havoc with failing eyesight. Ensure that stairs, hallways and landings are well lit. Supply plentiful table lamps and bedside lamps and opt for high-wattage bulbs.
•Is your house warm enough?
Older people are more liable to feel the cold, so turn up the thermostat, make sure doors remain closed and take care not to seat your guests in direct drafts. We’re all being a bit stingier about heating in these straitened times, but you will really need to make an exception for older guests. Hot-water bottles and a cosy extra blanket in the guest bedroom are also good ways of ensuring that your guests are comfortable.
•Is your bathroom hazardous?
Ensure that your guests are safe in the bathroom by placing anti-slip mats in the bath/shower. Check that bathmats or rugs outside the bath/shower area have non-slip backing.
•Is the floor area clear?
You don’t want your guests to trip and fall on a rogue toy – so check carefully that any potential hazards are stowed away.
•Amend your Timetable
Older guests will probably not want to eat an enormous dinner at 9pm and may tend to go to bed earlier and be up with the lark. Adjust your usual timings to accommodate these requirements. You may well find that they prefer a regular succession of small meals throughout the day and it might be a good idea to put a kettle and tea bags in the guest bedroom.
•Give your Guests Plenty of Space
Older guests may enjoy spending time in their own bedroom, or just sitting quietly in a comfortable chair away from the rest of the family. Don’t try and provide too much stimulus – ensure that your guests have time to read, do crossword puzzles and watch the television.
•Keep an Eye on the Children
Even if they’re seeing their own grandchildren, you must accept that most older people are a little less tolerant of the noise, disruption and havoc that children can create. So, observe your kids and their interactions and, if you see any signs of incipient weariness or impatience, give your guests a break.
•Don’t Overdo It
Planning a packed timetable of country walks, stately home visits and pub lunches is laudable, but it’s probably unrealistic. Try and pace the days, so that – for example – a morning outing is offset by a quiet afternoon of gentle chat and tv-viewing.
•Keep the Kettle On
You may well find that older guests are very appreciative of regular cups of tea and biscuits throughout the day. They may be reticent about asking or “being a nuisance” so remember to keep offering.
•Never make the crass assumption that old age is inevitably partnered with senility. Talking to older people as if they’re confused infants is the height of bad manners.
•Never assume that older people are deaf as posts. True, some older people are hard of hearing and, if that is the case, it will become immediately apparent. It is unforgivably rude to shout at an older person as if he or she is an imbecile.
•Different times, different manners. It is probably safe – unless you are instructed to the contrary – to assume that the older generation expects slightly more reticent and formal manners. This means taking the conversation at a slower pace, censoring off-colour jokes and stories, not swearing, and being respectful of, for example, religion (which might play an important role in the older person's life).
•Be patient. Everybody slows down as they get older and everyday tasks (walking, eating, getting dressed) will inevitably take longer. You must accept this with good grace. When planning the stay, pre-empt the problem by ensuring that you build in plenty of extra time.
Are you a narcissist or a communicator? Do you think there’s nothing better than posting images of yourself and the minutiae of your everyday life? Or are you more interested in finding like-minded people, making creative contacts, growing your business or communicating about everyday gripes and triumphs with a small group of loyal friends?
Instagram, and other photo-sharing apps, have so much positive potential. But if we are not careful, they can become a hellscape of self-promotion, stalking, trolling, and over-tagging. We have taken a look at behaviour on photo-sharing apps and recommend the following:
1. Do not steal other people’s images
There is certainly a wealth of imagery available on Instagram and other sites, but they are not the equivalent of a stock image library to be pilfered at will. You may even find yourself in breach of copyright. So, before you proceed to share other people’s images seek permission. If permission is granted, do not then proceed to doctor and distort the image. Once it is posted, you must tag both the photographer and the image owner (if they are not one and the same) in the photo and in the post. If you come across one of your own photographs that has been used, without credit, by another poster, direct message them and politely remind them that it is your property. and you would like it removed.
2. Eschew negative comments
Don’t fall into the trap of hiding behind your screen and believing that, in the online world, disinhibition, cruelty and abuse are tolerated. Try and apply real life rules to online etiquette; if you don’t like something somebody is doing, ignore it and move on (unless it’s offensive or criminal). There is no necessity to climb on your soapbox and denounce or criticise other people’s photos. Use the well-rehearsed etiquette rule: if you can’t find anything pleasant to say, then say nothing at all.
3. Don’t make a hash of hashtags
Clearly, hashtags play a vital role in the whole social media phenomenon. Adding a hashtag is a way of connecting with other people and starting a conversation. But there are limits: don’t make a hashtag out of every word in the post or add a daunting list of hashtags to the post. In most cases, most of these hashtags will be irrelevant, and they just look like a needy cry for attention. If you feel compelled to use more than a handful of hashtags, try adding them to the comments section, which will avoid making you look like a spammer.
4. Stay engaged
If someone comments on your post (unless it is a trolling diatribe), don’t ignore them. That is the equivalent in real life, to implacably refusing to answer strings of texts and emails and ignoring all your friends’ pleas to call back. It is common courtesy to respond to comments – it’s what keeps the wheels of social media turning.
5. Don’t spam
We all know social media accounts such as Instagram are an excellent way of building a following for your business and attracting potential clients and customers who are on exactly the right wavelength. But crude spamming – eg adding promotional remarks to comments (‘If you ever need website design services, I’m happy to assist’) is a crude hard sell in a totally inappropriate context and deserves to be ignored (and blocked).
6. Don’t indulge your obsessions
This is easily said, but often hard to implement. New parents, for example, are often famously incapable of resisting the urge to post several photos a day of the miraculous progress of their baby. Of course, for everyone else, these are mundane and familiar stages in a child’s development, and no matter how cute and endearing they find the baby, they will still inevitably find the deluge of images wearisome. If you’re in the grip of this kind of obsession, try and rein yourself in and refrain from posting every day – perhaps plan a weekly or monthly ‘milestone’ post, where you can give your followers a fresh insight.
7. Forget the food
Posting endless images of your meals has become an Instagram cliché and a perfect shorthand for the weird self-fixation that can become a feature of social media addiction. At the very least, your posts are meant to be interesting and engaging; something your daily food intake is very unlikely to be. Only post images of food if they are funny, bizarre or deeply eccentric. Of course, if you are a chef or restaurateur, images of food are your livelihood and it’s a different matter.
8. Be cautious about children
Many Instagram and social media accounts feature family photographs, and it is a common practice to tag everyone that is featured, so that they can see your post and have access to it. But you should be very careful about this with under-18s. At the dark end of spectrum, paedophiles might be combing the internet for access to children, or you might be providing fodder (an innocent-seeming holiday photograph) for cyberbullying.
9. Eradicate embarrassment
It is so easy to heedlessly post photographs of your friends in a range of embarrassing predicaments (drunkenness, state of undress, locked in a compromising embrace etc etc) and tag every person who features in them. Tags may not attach to your account because of privacy settings, but the tag itself is still searchable and the image will still be visible on the original poster’s account and will need to be manually deleted. Before you have a chance to do so, the compromising photograph might have been shared and, worse still, potential employers or spouses or family members might have found the incriminating evidence – jobs and relationships have been lost for less. You may be posting and tagging embarrassing photos on autopilot, not out of a sense of malice, but the consequences can be dire. Make it a rule to always be thoughtful and considerate about the consequences of your actions.
10. Report abuses
Abuses of social media sites are a never-ending story and policing them is the duty of everyone. If you witness anything that is unacceptably rude, offensive or cruel, delete it and report it. It’s so easy to see these things as you roam around social media sites, and it’s tempting to just shut your eyes and move on. This is rather like seeing plastic bags and crisp packets littering a well-known beauty spot, averting your eyes and ignoring the eyesore. We all know that we are innocent, we are not the perpetrators of this kind of behaviour, but if we’re responsible citizens we’ll do our best to mitigate it, whether it’s picking up and binning someone else’s litter or reporting an online abuse. Little by little we’re making our online world a better place.
Choosing a name for a baby is a fraught business. You want a name that you love, and which has positive associations, and you also want to ensure that the name enhances the child’s life and does not saddle them with expectations and assumptions that will become burdensome. Confronted with a tiny baby, you may well feel tempted to indulge in whimsy, choosing diminutive pet names that are only appropriate for a very young child.
In an era when individualism is highly valued, conventional names are being supplanted by innovative and creative alternatives. It is understandable that parents want to choose names that will make their child stand out from the crowd; having an unforgettable name can be very advantageous.
But if parents want to go down this route, they will need to find a compromise between striking and memorable names (which may well enhance their child’s life) and talking-point names that are one-off inventions (eg Moon Unit, Onyx Solace etc), which will either be amended to something more banal or recognisable or force the child to go through a lifetime of explanations.
Think carefully about spelling. You might feel that it makes the name more distinctive if you use an unusual spelling but bear in mind that your child might find themselves repeatedly having to spell their name or correct misspellings of it, which they might find very frustrating.
Parents also need to think about ways in which names will be shortened – it’s hard to avoid this if a child is given a very long, multisyllabic forename. Are they happy with the possible nicknames the given name might attract? Nefertiti, for example, is a beautiful name, but when abbreviated it might not be so pleasing.
Some parents choose to give their children very grand, multisyllabic names, which they then shorten to something much more recognisable, eg Archimedes (Archie), Persephone (Percy), Poppaea (Poppy) Olympia (Ol). The child may well grow up only using the shortened version of the name, but they have the longer form of their name on their birth certificates and can choose to use it in adult life.
The same principle applies for parents who choose to use a pet name (eg Lottie, Ellie, Billy, Matty) rather than the name from which it derives (Charlotte, Eleanor, William, Matthew). By entering the full name on the birth certificate, they will give their child the choice to revert to it later in life, even if they consistently use the pet name or nickname in all other instances (school, doctor, dentist etc). Only registering the abbreviated name at birth reduces the child’s choice later in life, when they may feel that their name is babyish and lacks gravitas.
Be cautious about giving children names that convey a certain message about them (Adonis, Belle, Hercules, Tinkerbell). It is very hard to tell whether a small baby is going to turn into a magnificent physical specimen, a great beauty, or a delicate sprite, so why lumber them with names that are laden with expectations? You may well be turning them into a laughingstock, or a person who always feels obliged to give a mini explanations about the inappropriateness of their name whenever they are introduced.
If you’re attracted by the ancient world, the Bible or mythology, a rich resource of exotic names, do think carefully about the origins of the name, about its meaning, and the attributes it conveys. For example:
Jezebel: the original ‘bad girl’ of the Bible, a symbol of female treachery
Salome: a Jewish princess who played her part in the murder of John the Baptist
Lucifer: a fallen angel
Herod: the King responsible for the massacre of the innocents
Nemesis: the ancient Greek goddess of retribution
Pluto: the Roman god of death and the underworld
While you may be ignorant of the associations some of these names carry, you shouldn’t assume that everyone else is. Names such as these carry a lot of cultural baggage and shouldn’t be used lightly.
Finally, parents need to experiment putting their chosen forename together with their surname: some syllable combinations don’t work, while some names elide with the surname (eg Michael Lyons, Elizabeth Thame, Robert Trevelyan), which can make them quite hard to enunciate.
Some forename-surname combinations rhyme or are assonant, which can be awkward (Emily Romilly, Marcus Aldous, Blythe Smythe, Audrey Audley).
Some forenames, when coupled with certain surnames, can produce a comic effect. It is wise to think of all the permutations and abbreviations of a forename to ensure that this does not happen:
Richard (Dick) Head
William (Bill) Bury
Sandra (Sandy) Banks
Azure Skye
Crimson Pole
Milton Keynes
Alliterative names (ie forename and surname starting with the same letter) can, if all the above pitfalls are avoided, be very striking (eg Sophie Somerset, Boris Bowden, Daniel Dacre).
There are fashions when it comes to naming children. Certain names seem to capture the zeitgeist and will be widely adopted in the coming months. Popular names in 2023 included Ivy, Florence, George and Arthur.
You may therefore find yourself in an awkward situation, when a sibling or close friend, who is also expecting a child, chooses the same baby name. If someone announces they’re thinking of ‘your’ name, you must say something along the lines of “What a coincidence – we were thinking of exactly the same name!” You should then openly discuss whether that will be a problem; you might find, during these discussions, that one of you changes to an alternative option. There is nothing to stop you both going for the same name, but it would be better if it was agreed between you beforehand and you have both anticipated any problems it might cause.
It’s a pleasing gesture to tell a friend or relative that you’re thinking of using their name. It is, after all, paying them a compliment and indicates that you have positive associations with the name.
In days gone by, it was much more common to draw on a very limited ‘pool’ of family names, which were handed down through the generations; choosing one of these names was seen as a respectful gesture towards family tradition.
It is a great pity when certain names disappear completely from usage, so if you can disinter any unusual names from your family history, which you like, it is a good idea to bring them back into use, even if it just as a middle name, which is the safest option. This may start the process of bringing the names back into fashion – twenty or thirty years ago, Victorian names like Mabel, Edna Albert and Alfred were completely out of fashion, but they have since seen a revival.
At Debrett’s we are the curators of the Peerage & Baronetage database and are therefore recording names of new-born entrants throughout the year. This gives us an insight into some of the more original choices that have been made. So here is a selection of some of the more unusual names we have encountered recently:
•Boys
Willow, Wilbur, Rocky, Sailor, Armistice, Mallard, Aeneas, Achille, Lorenzo, Elvis, Wood, Ziggy, Barnaby, Maximus, Huxley, Wolfe
•Girls
Domino, Winter, Bluebell, Bunty, Dolly, Dakota, Theodora, Madlen, Echo, River, Cosima, Lola, Tallulah, India, Juniper, Iolanthe
Valentine’s Day has a long history. Its origins have been traced back to the Roman celebration of Lupercalia on 15 February, a fertility festival dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture and to the mythical founders of Rome, Romulus and Remus.
This pagan rite was outlawed by early Christians by the end of the 5th century, when the pope declared 14 February St Valentine’s Day, named after a 3rd-century Roman priest who had apparently been arrested for giving aid to prisoners, fell in love with his jailer’s daughter and was subsequently martyred.
St Valentine’s Day became associated with traditions of courtly love in the Middle Ages; the first recorded ‘Valentine’ was a poem written by Charles, Duke of Orleans, after his capture at the Battle of Agincourt. It was a popular belief that 14 February was the beginning of the birds’ mating season, reinforcing the connection of this day with ideas of romance. Geoffrey Chaucer celebrated this romantic tradition in his 1375 poem The Parliament of Fowles:
“For this was Seynt on Valentine’s Day
When every foul cometh there to choose his mate.”
For centuries, the tradition was marked by the sending of handwritten notes and poems, but it was not until the early 19th century, when paper became more affordable and new printing techniques were developed, that the Valentine’s card became a phenomenon.
A decisive event in the history of Valentine’s Day was the introduction of the Penny Post on 10 January 1840. Posting mass-produced cards was now affordable and within a year, 400,000 Valentines were posted; in 1871 1.2 million Valentines were processed by the General Post Office in London. Valentines, generally sent anonymously, were a permissible way for people to express their emotions at a time when direct expressions of feeling were strictly discouraged.
Many lovers eschewed mass-produced cards and chose to make their own, using lace, ribbon, silk flowers and gold and silver appliqué. Apart from flowers (an entire ‘language’, which every Victorian would have understood), Victorian Valentines often feature churches and church spires, symbolising fidelity and honourable intentions.
The fact that these cards were sent anonymously unleashed a more sinister tendency. So called ‘vinegar Valentines’ were poisonous notes, often with appropriately grotesque illustrations, which defamed rivals, or unleashed criticism and insults at their targets.
Sending cards is not the only custom associated with Valentine’s Day. It is traditional to give flowers on 14th February, in particular red roses. Blood red has long symbolised love and passion. In Roman mythology Venus, the goddess of love, gave a red rose to Adonis, the god of love.
Chocolate owes its roots to Aztec Mexico, where it was believed to be an aphrodisiac, and chocolates are a popular Valentine’s Day gift. In the mid-19th century Cadbury’s created a heart-shaped box of chocolates, but did not patent this original idea, which was soon widely adopted.
Valentine’s Day is an opportunity for the romantically inclined to celebrate love and relationships. It is wise to be relaxed about the whole thing but take your cue from your beloved. Be wary of those who noisily deride Valentine’s Day, only to be furious when they find themselves present-less and card-less come the big day.
For the unattached, anonymous cards have their own pitfalls: you run the risk of being seen as either too feeble to come forward in person or, worse, as a stalker. Unless you are an incurable romantic – and a patient one at that – there is no need to wait for Valentine’s Day to reveal your feelings for someone.
If you are in the business of gift-giving, either be prepared to spend serious cash on beautiful flowers or opt for something more imaginative. A thoughtless offering is worse than nothing at all.
Some venues insist on offering themed menus, but unless your Valentine’s Day date expects it, restaurants are generally best avoided – the pressure can be stifling and the manufactured romance can feel somewhat tawdry.
Consider organising a cosy dinner for two at home. You can decorate the table with beautiful flowers and create a seductive ambience with well-dimmed lamps or candles. You do not have to create a complex meal; simply focus on a signature dish that you are confident you can concoct with a minimum of anxiety, and focus instead on plenty of treats – nuts and figs, chocolates and fine wine.
Whether you’re eating in a restaurant or at home, beware foods that are difficult to eat. Most people don’t look very seductive when they’re trying to manage a plate of slippery spaghetti or dissecting a bony fish. Don’t serve food that requires concentration; your focus should be on each other, not your plate.
We live in a world of moral absolutes – the healthy eater, the perfect parent, the ultra-marathon runner – all of whom lay claim to the moral high ground. For those of us stuck in the middle, it can be hard to hear anything other than the chorus of the righteous.
There are many ways to be self-righteous – about diet, about drinking or smoking, about composting or carbon footprints. At worst, self-congratulatory representations of exemplary lifestyle choices are broadcast to all and sundry, often on social media, as the epitome of virtue.
Self-righteousness manages to be both boring and enraging. It is boring because it comes from a smug cocoon of certainty, a place where intolerance and judgement thrive. There is no penetrating this complacency, because self-righteous people are blinkered and disengaged; they do not want to hear about other people’s points of views or opinions, because it will rock their boar. There is no communicating with them, no interchange of ideas, no point of connection.
Self-righteousness is also enraging because, by setting yourself up as judge and jury, you are in danger of branding yourself as a hypocrite, someone who preaches “my way or the highway”, and all too often falls at the first fence. Who hasn’t encountered the sanctimonious eco-activist, who still hops on a long-haul flight from time to time to enjoy a week in the sun? Or the self-satisfied health food fanatic, who can occasionally be seen grabbing a surreptitious burger? While, in most cases, we would find these lapses only human and feel a sense of affinity and sympathy towards the transgressor, in the case of the self-righteous offender we feel understandably resentful that we have had to submit to their boring blandishments, only to see them breaking their own rules.
Ultimately, it comes down to conviction. If you have feelings of conviction about something, are prepared to speak up about it, defend your point of view, listen to counter-arguments, offer persuasive ripostes, you will simply be seen as a person who is passionate about their beliefs and feels strongly about certain things. Provided that you are prepared to listen to other people and are not liable to dismiss them out of hand, pour scorn on their point of view, or deride them for their beliefs, you will not have fallen into the trap of self-righteousness. Indeed, if you really do listen to other people, you may find your conviction begins to erode, and you might be capable of changing your mind, watering down your stance, making concessions. Other people will feel that you are truly engaging with them and respecting them and will not feel stirrings of resentment.
But if you are not interested in hearing what other people say, if you dismiss their point of view as being quite simply ‘wrong’, then you are crossing over into self-righteous territory. This will be compounded if you associate your own views with virtue and moral superiority. It is so much easier to persuade people if you admit your own uncertainty and fallibility.
Why, even when it’s hard to find fault with its cause, is self-righteousness so unattractive – and usually so ineffective? Real conviction tends to have a softer, more persuasive voice than the shrill cry of righteousness.
If you’re tempted to be self-righteous, ask yourself whether joyless sanctimony ever charmed anyone into changing their mind.
More often, it will drive its targets into contrary wilfulness. Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of being set a good example: your ex-smoker friend pointedly waving away your smoke just makes you want to blow smoke rings in his face; the healthy diet bore who monologues relentlessly about chia seeds and gut biomes makes you want to order, and salivate over, saturated fats and carbs.
If you are intent on saving the world and everyone in it, remember that self-righteousness will get you nowhere – don’t wear your cause on your sleeve but tucked firmly away in an inside pocket. If you want to be liked and respected, climb down from your soapbox and take the time to really listen to the people around you and occasionally admit you're wrong.
Many people wear their knowledge of wine as a self-awarded badge of sophistication. There is nothing sophisticated about being a wine bore. Displays of expertise, which are intended to impress the uninitiated, are merely patronising and alienating. Keep your specialist knowledge to yourself; conversations with the sommelier should be discreet and not for general consumption. If you spot a hidden gem on the wine list, so much the better, but don’t make a song and dance about it. Your friends will soon realise you know what you’re talking about and respect your knowledge; they will defer to you when making wine choices.
Whilst wine may be multifaceted, complicated and nuanced it should not be daunting. The most seasoned wine professional would never tell you to stop enjoy something you like because of its perceived lack of sophistication. If you are new to wine or confused by it, you must find a starting point with something you like. This can act as a reference point, as an anchor even though you may eventually cut yourself free from it.
There are any number of ways in which people can become vexed by wine. First amongst these is choosing wine in a restaurant. Someone must take control of the ordering and if you are the host then there is likely expectation that you will do the honours. Indeed, as the host you might also be picking up the bill so your intervention in the wine selection process will allow you to exercise some control on expenditure.
If you find yourself in the hot seat, you can call upon the help of the professional in the room. namely the sommelier. If there is no sommelier then by all means consult the waiter, but this is a lesser guarantee of finding help. It is entirely reasonable to start by looking at price since even the most basic of restaurants will have a couple of bottles of something pricey on the list on the off-chance that the high-rollers are in town and on a spree. You can discreetly provide some expenditure guidelines to the sommelier who can then steer you in the right direction.
If you are taking the helm for the wine selection you will need to take account of what people will be eating. The sacred dogma of red wine with red meat and white with fish or chicken is not the shibboleth it once was. That said, in the absence of anything else it is a good starting point.
If the group is small and the food choices varied, then wine by the glass is a good option. Wine by the glass is generally at the lower end of the price spectrum and everyone is guaranteed to get what they want. If the group is larger, it is broadly accepted that a choice of one red wine and one white wine will hit the spot.
Once the wine is selected the next challenge might well be the tasting. You can elegantly delegate this responsibility and at the same time pay a subtle compliment to your guests by trusting them with this vital task. Remember, the tasting is simply a question of checking that the wine is not corked or gone over rather than an assessment of its quality or suitability. Wine is described as corked when it has been tainted by mould that has come from the cork. If there is a musty smell, a bit like an old dishcloth, it is corked, and another bottle should be found. If the wine is from a screw topped bottle, then corking is not an issue and there is little harm in skipping the tasting altogether.
If called upon to taste the wine, just swirl it around the glass, give it a sniff and take a small sip. Don’t be intimidated by those self-proclaimed experts who demand to know which flavours you can detect. Simply pronounce it delicious and avoid the question – at least you haven’t fallen into the trap of making a boring exhibition of your ignorance.
Most wine is served at the table from the bottle – make it known to the waiter how regularly you would like glasses refreshed. Only a very few wines really need to be decanted and these tend to be the fuller (darker, richer) reds. The decanting process allows some of the less desirable aromas that accumulate in the anaerobic environment of the sealed bottle to drift-off. Thirty minutes in a decanter is usually enough.
Opening a wine and letting it breathe in the bottle is wholly pointless and achieves nothing. Opening wine and letting it sit in the bottle is sometimes done at large events for one of two reasons. Ostensibly it is to speed the serving of drinks. Cynics would argue it allows the event organiser to bill for more wine and then give the opened bottles to the serving staff in lieu of proper wages.
Red wine should be served at 17–18°C (63°F), the temperature of a cool room. Fine white wine only needs 20 minutes in the fridge; too much chilling will hide the complexity of a good wine. It’s best, however, to chill cheaper bottles of white right down.
A wine glass should be only filled one third full; it is better to underfill, rather than overfill, a glass. Reds should be served in a large glass with a bigger bowl to release the bouquet. Whites are served in a smaller, narrower glass that should always be held by the stem to avoid warming the wine. Always make sure you keep your guests’ glasses topped-up. Whether hosting or not, it is bad form to top up you own glass without offering wine to others first.
It is always a good idea to keep a decent bottle of red and white (chilled) on stand-by at home in case guests drop by. If you have space, it is great to have something sparkling available for impromptu celebrations.
If you are invited to dinner at someone’ house and bring a bottle of wine as a gift, remember it is not inevitable that the hosts will open it on night. The hosts may well have the wine organised and they can enjoy your bottle another time. When presented with a bottle by a friend or guest it is a good idea to fix a note to it so that when you do drink it, be it days, weeks or months later, you can send a message of thanks.
They’re super-convenient, an expensive indulgence for some, and a necessity late at night when alcohol consumption makes driving dangerous. We all take taxis at one time or another and we’re all aware that taking a taxi means interacting with the driver. Whether you choose a chatty interaction on your ride home or opt to tune out and commune silently with your phone, you will need to observe the social niceties at the beginning and end of the journey.
Whether you request a nearby taxi via an app or book a minicar in advance of your journey, try not to keep your driver waiting once he or she arrives.
If you are hailing a taxi from the street, wait until you see one with its light on, ie available for hire, then lift your arm and lean out from the pavement to get the driver’s attention. Tell the driver your destination before getting in – the driver might not be willing to take you there. At your destination, get out and pay the driver through the front window. The going rate for tipping is at least ten per cent.
We all know that London black cabdrivers pride themselves on “the knowledge”, a topographical test of their London know-how, which involves an impressive input of time and commitment. They know the streets of London like the back of their hand and are masters of their routes, so you can relax and let them take charge. In other cabs you cannot rely on the drivers to have a similar level of expertise, but you should still resist the urge to micro-manage the route: most taxi services now use GPS to determine the quickest way to your destination.
Keep the taxi tidy and leave no litter behind. Thank him or her when they drop you off at your destination and don’t slam the door when you get out.
Many taxi apps now include the option to tip your driver, and will usually suggest an amount. It is fair to add a tip to your fare if you have had a positive experience. Similarly, leave your driver a good review if appropriate.
You should always be polite when you first get into a cab you should offer a polite greeting and a smile – no piling into the cab without any preliminary greetings and no brusque commands. Similarly at the end of the ride, wish the driver a good day/night and smile agreeably.
If you are in a cab where you’re sitting at the front next to the driver, it is probably advisable to indulge in some small talk. You are sitting close to each other, and it is strained and unnatural to conduct the whole journey in silence. Most cab drivers will initiate conversation in these circumstances; if they don’t, you can offer a remark (eg “Have you had a busy night?”) and see if they pick it up.
If you’re sitting in the back of a cab – and especially if there is a partition between you and the driver, you do not need to initiate conversation and you should follow the driver’s lead. Most taxi drivers will observe if you immediately get out your phone or appear to be self-contained and won’t start a conversation. But, if they pick up on the fact that your friendly and amenable, they might want to talk, and it is only polite to do so.
If they get it wrong and start speaking to you when you really don’t want to talk, try to convey that fact by answering politely, but in a way that closes the conversation down. If, for example the driver asks “Did you have a good night?” you can reply “Yes, thank you” (which doesn’t lead to further chat) or, for example, “Yes thanks – we’ve just been to the new Chinese restaurant in the High Street and it was absolutely delicious” (you are handing back new information, which is an invitation to continue the conversation).
If you are having a conversation, it is probably safest to stick to safe small talk topics: the weather, the traffic, general observations about the city you are passing through and so on. It is best to steer clear of politics, or to – for example – comment on news items that you hear on the driver’s radio. You really have no idea about your driver’s political beliefs, and you might encounter a point of view that you regard as indefensible – the last thing you want is an impassioned row on the cab ride home.
If you do encounter a driver who freely gives voice to views that you find intolerable, the best option is not to get into an argument, but simply to shut him down. So, say something repressive like: “I’m afraid I really don’t agree with you there, so let’s leave that topic well alone.” This should effectively silence the driver, and you can reinforce your message by looking intently at your phone.
If you get into the back of cab with friends, the general assumption is that – unless you initiate contact or enlist the driver’s opinion – you will not engage with the driver. Most drivers will tend to stay discreetly silent when they have more than one passenger in the back of the cab.
•Greet the driver politely at the beginning and end of the journey and say thank you when you get out.
•Follow the drivers’ lead and answer politely if the driver initiates contact.
•Keep conversation light-hearted and bland, avoiding contentious topics.
•If you’re sitting next to the driver, don’t ignore him/her; accept that conversation is expected.
•If the conversation gets heated, don’t rise to the bait. Try and shut the conversation down.
• Never ignore the driver; if you don’t want to talk, give him/her closed answers, which don’t lead to further conversation.
