Most of us would probably agree that our relationships – with partners, friends, family and colleagues – are the most important factor in feelings of wellbeing and satisfaction. But there is also plenty of evidence that our interactions with strangers, often fleeting and superficial, also play an important part in our feelings of happiness and belonging and should never be overlooked.
We are taught from an early age about “stranger danger” and are told never to speak strangers. Whilst it is understandable that parents are protective, we often carry this advice through to adulthood, ensuring that we are tentative about talking to people we don’t know, and fearful that such interactions will not be positive or life-enhancing.
This couldn’t be further from the truth. In an increasingly fragmented and isolated society, where a troubling six per cent of English people claim that they are suffering from loneliness “often or always” (Community Life Survey 2023), these day-to-day contacts are more vital than ever. They can range from something as simple as smiling and waving at someone you see every day (the postman, the flower-seller, the school crossing supervisor), to exchanging greetings of the “Good morning, how are you today?” variety, to actually chatting for a few moments to a barista or a shop assistant, enjoying a good moan with somebody in the same bus queue or waiting for the same train, or having a full-blown conversation with a stranger.
All of these encounters will convey a little pulse of positivity; you may find you raise your head and stop studiously studying the pavement or your phone screen as you walk along, and actually engage in eye contact with strangers, even exchanging smiles or joining in eye-rolling complicity when confronted by traffic jams, torrential rains, queues and all the other myriad inconveniences of modern life.
While many people agree that this sort of contact is vital to our well-being, everything seems to be conspiring against us. We shut ourselves off from each other, shielding behind headphones and phone screens. We carry out many transactions that would have once involved an encounter with a stranger (buying a train ticket, going to the bank, paying a bill, even doing the weekly grocery shop) online, thus minimising human contact. Community spaces, such as libraries, community centres, social clubs and pubs, are disappearing at an alarming pace, reducing contact even further.
The internet has opened a new world to us, and we roam around it at will, engaging with strangers, posting up intimate details about our lives, commenting (sometimes extremely aggressively) on other people’s opinions. But this is a virtual world, where our normal social parameters are irrelevant, our inhibitions are down – it is so much easier to be rude or outspoken in the written word than it is when you are interacting in person, which involves listening, observing body language, picking up cues in facial expressions and verbal tics and so on.
You might feel that the world is at your fingertips online, allowing you to access to a vast community of connected strangers. But at the same time, you might never have spoken to your near neighbours, exchanged the time of day with your postman, or commiserated on the appalling weather with your refuse collector. All these encounters will make you feel like you belong to a human community; they will make you feel truly connected.
Researchers have found that we consistently underestimate how much we will enjoy talking with a stranger. We dread the chatty neighbour on the train or plane; we peremptorily reel off our order in the coffee shop to avoid small talk. But it has also been proved that our expectations are confounded when we actually engage, and we feel all the better for it.
1. Look around you
Discard distractions (phones, headphones etc) and look around you as you go about your business. Practise engaging in fleeting eye contact with strangers, and make sure your facial expression is neutral or friendly (no glowering or looking glum). You will soon find you catch the eye of passing pedestrians, and inevitably nods and smiles will follow.
2. Go for a greeting
A brisk “good morning” or “good afternoon” is nearly always reciprocated. It feels like a civilised acknowledgement and exchange. It will come naturally enough on country walks where encounters with other people are comparatively rare, but it is more problematic in cities, You will certainly not be greeting all your fellow pavement-pounders, but there are still opportunities to be friendly in quieter residential streets, or simply to greet the people who serve you with over the course of the day (baristas, café-owners, ticket-sellers, newspaper-sellers etc)
3. Take it up a notch
This means elaborating a bit more on the basic greeting. So after you have exchanged “good mornings” you could make an observation of the “it’s bitterly cold today isn’t it?” variety. At this level, you are probably not expecting a full-blown exchange of views, but saying something relatively innocuous might elicit a reaction – either a simple agreement or, if the person is also ready to talk, a further observation.
4. Find shared ground
If you’re ready to embark on a slightly longer conversation, the best place to start is to comment on a shared experience or make an observation. This could be as simple as “Are you waiting for the number 52? It’s a terrible service isn’t it?” or “I like your scarf; is it Japanese?
5. Be curious
When you’re ready to have a longer chat (perhaps on a train or bus), the best way to initiate conversation with a total stranger is to comment on what you have in common (ie you’re on a bus/train, travelling in the same direction) and then ask questions, which will give a willing partner a chance to expound beyond a monosyllabic response, eg “Is this a regular journey for you?”, “Have you been to the new cinema complex in the town centre?”, “What do you think of the new traffic restrictions?” and so on. If you do get a monosyllabic response, don't push it; your neighbour isn't ready to engage and it's better to cut your losses and move on.
Remember, the more conversations you initiate, the easier you will find it and the more confident and at ease you’ll be. Other people will pick up on the fact that you’re relaxed and friendly and will be more open to talking to you. It will just keep on getting better!
A bottle of water has become a must-carry accessory for most young people aged under thirty and for many older people as well. Over the last two decades we have been repeatedly informed by the medical profession that we do not drink enough water and exhorted to keep ourselves well-hydrated. We have obviously taken heed of these warnings and now find ourselves unable to leave the house without an indispensable bottle of H2O.
Maybe you recognise that you have developed a dependence on water, clutching your flask like a baby’s bottle wherever you go, driven into a state of absolute panic when you realise that you’ve forgotten your water bottle, liable to take compulsive sips with an addict’s enthusiasm.
But are there times when our addiction to water might cause offence? And are there times when we should really remember our water-bottle manners?
•Show some respect
Gulping from a water bottle during a wedding or funeral service or any other solemn occasion would be considered inappropriate; these are not circumstances in which you should eat or drink, and you should be able to forego the lure of rehydration for an hour or so – you're not running a marathon.
•Don’t reveal your nerves
Drinking from a water bottle during an interview is also not a good look. We all know that our mouths become dry when we are nervous, so if you are offered a glass of water, accept it, and take gentle and discreet sips. Glugging noisily from your own bottle makes you look like you can't control your impulses, even in the comparative formality of an interview.
•Keep your cool
In any work situation where you are under scrutiny – in a meeting, on a video call, talking to clients etc – resist the urge to swig water with unrestrained abandon from your bottle, which looks needy and will undermine your authority. If you’re worried about dehydration, make sure you have a glass of water with you.
•Request water
You might see your own bottle as a kind of comfort blanket, but it’s really not a good look to drink from your bottle when you’re in a restaurant or at a friend’s house. If water has not been offered, it is always acceptable to politely request a glass of water. You do not have to spend money on expensive mineral water in restaurants, it is quite acceptable to request tap water.
•Beware sound effects
Many of us now have reusable water bottles or stylish insulated flasks, but if you are toting around a single-use plastic bottle, beware. An over-enthusastic swig can all too often lead to compression of the plastic, accompanied by embarrassing sound effects – not ideal if you’re trying to look cool and competent.
Are you happy to offer a friend or family member a swig from your bottle? If you’re out for a walk or it’s a particularly hot day, is it rude to hog your own water and not offer it around to waterless companions? We’re all aware that certain diseases (eg Covid, colds, flu) can be transmitted through saliva so is this a high-risk strategy?
It is very much a personal matter and, while some people are unbothered by sharing with close friends and think nothing of it, there are many people who recoil from the idea and would not contemplate it.
If your find the notion repulsive, then obviously you will not be offering your water bottle around. If someone requests a sip of water, the only polite response is to explain that you’re worried about sharing and prefer not to do so. This is a potentially difficult exchange and – as always with good manners – it is best if you take the burden on yourself and explain that it’s to do with you own anxieties rather than any perception of your friend’s infectiousness.
Give that this is a potentially awkward exchange, it is always best not to ask for a sip from a friend’s bottle unless it is freely offered (you can of course decline a proffered sip if you’re squeamish).
If you do share your bottle against your better judgment, avoid the performative wiping of the bottle’s rim when it is returned to you. This looks like a passive-aggressive attack on the bottle-sharer and is undeniably rude.
It’s hard to be patronised. Being condescended to, made to feel stupid, incompetent or inadequate, is a form of bullying. It can happen socially, in the workplace, in relationships. It frequently happens when we have dealings with professionals, such as doctors or lawyers, who feel that their specialised knowledge gives them a measure of superiority. Older people, especially if they are frail and vulnerable, are patronised on a daily basis because their carers make assumptions about them and consistently underestimate them, which can be very demeaning.
‘Talking down’ to other people from a position of perceived authority, presuming to ‘explain’ when no explanation is needed or sought, can make targets feel that they are not worthy of respect. This undermining behaviour can very quickly poison the atmosphere in a workplace or sour a partnership and turn it toxic.
If you feel you are being patronised, stay calm and collected and don’t react emotionally. If the behaviour persists, explicitly call the offender out – if it helps, you can use a semi-jocular tone. Or you could, in a tone of disingenuous curiosity, try saying “I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me. I already understand xxxxxx. Is there something else you want to say to me?”
Look out for these tell-tale signs:
•Do you feel an irresistible urge to correct people who you perceive to be wrong, whatever the circumstances?
•Do you often preface your sentences with the following: “Technically”, “In actual fact”, “I think you’ll find”, “Obviously”?
•Are you an inveterate interrupter, who interjects with their opinions and tends to take over the conversation?
•Do you enjoy bombarding people with obscure facts and nuggets of information because you think it will make you appear knowledgeable and well-informed?
•Is it very important to your sense of self that you come across as highly intelligent, impressive and super-competent?
•Do you tend to make the assumption that most people you meet are less intelligent that you, and much more shallow and ineffective?
If you are beginning to recognise some of your traits, then it is time to think about ways of amending your behaviour. Being patronising is never going to make you popular socially or in the workplace. Any behaviour that focuses on highlighting other people’s inferiority is the antithesis of good manners, which are all about nurturing the people around you and making them feel good about themselves.
•Hone your listening skills.
If you actually take the time to really hear what people are saying to you (rather than distractedly rehearsing your next remark), you might actually realise that there are signs of intelligent, well-informed life out there, and even come to the realisation that most people do not need your condescending assistance and explanations.
•Practise humility
Instead of gloating about your superiority, revelling in your success and being smug about positive feedback, try and be a bit humbler. If somebody compliments you, don’t complacently take it as your due; try and show genuine pleasure and thank them warmly. If you succeed at a competitive game, or achieve an outstanding coup at work, don’t revel triumphantly in your victory, try and adopt more of a “you win some, you lose some” or “I was really lucky” attitude.
You will soon find that being self-deprecating is a good way of winning friends and admirers.
•Cut the criticism
You probably find it all too easy to pick holes in other people’s work or achievements, but you may have noticed that this leaves people feeling deflated and discouraged.
Instead, try and concentrate on always finding something positive to say. If somebody bakes you a cake that has collapsed, don’t say “well you obviously took it out of the oven too soon” (patronising); instead say “the icing is delicious!” (positive).
•Up the encouragement
Try and get behind other people’s aspirations. Even if you think that they are deluded and are destined to fail, consider that you may well be wrong and, in any case, they are trying to achieve something, which should be applauded.
So don’t spell out all the ways in which you think they’re likely to fail (patronising); praise the effort, rather than focusing on the results (positive).
•Ask before you advise
If somebody comes to you with a problem, you may well see the solution with the utmost clarity. But don’t just launch into a lecture about the “obvious” ways in which they can help themselves. Always politely ask people if they would like your advice and listen attentively to their response (sometimes people say they want advice just to be friendly and polite). They may have come to you for emotional support and a sympathetic listening ear, rather than pragmatic problem-solving.
All too often unsolicited advice will come across as patronising – you know what should be done and are condescending to share your insight, which reinforces your own sense of superiority. Remember, not everyone is seeking enlightenment when they talk about their problems with you. They may well find that talking about their problems is all that is necessary – solutions often emerge from this process.
If you do offer advice, try and come up with tentative suggestions (“have you thought about….?” or “do you think it would be a good idea to?...”), rather than peremptory statements (“Obviously, you should….” or “The best idea is to…”).
•Give credit where credit is due
It’s not all about you, and you will come across as much less pleased with yourself and self-satisfied if you openly acknowledge the role other people have played in your success. So, resist the temptation to simply revel in praise and approbation and think carefully about the crucial ways in which other people have helped you.
If colleagues and friends feel that you have truly accepted their contribution, and that you value it, they’re much less likely to feel patronised by you, or resent the fact that you’re lording it over them.
•Don’t make assumptions
A lot of patronising behaviour has its roots in a tendency to make belittling assumptions about people’s experience, capacity and expertise. Under-estimating people or assuming they’re ignorant will lead you into very dangerous waters. You might, for example, find yourself painstakingly explaining a subject to an author who has just written an authoritative book on the subject or giving DIY tips to someone who has been a builder for the last thirty years.
This is both embarrassing and insulting and could easily be avoided if you just politely ask, “do you know about X?” first. Alternatively, you could remind yourself that launching, unprompted, into impromptu lectures and haranguing audiences about subjects in which you feel you have expertise, are not really very effective ways of engaging in the give and take of conversation.
There are estimated to be over 24,000 coffee shops in the UK, and it is anticipated that coffee shops will overtake pubs in the next twelve years. As a nation, we are said to drink about 2.4 billion cups annually, and a fifth of us visit our local coffee shop daily.
Coffee has clearly become an integral part of the UK’s social culture, so it is time to look at coffee shop etiquette.
•Be decisive
Know what you want before you order; don’t hold up the queue by dithering over your choices. Coffee shops are often very busy places, so if you’re undecided, remove yourself from the queue until you know exactly what you want.
•Keep moving
Once you have ordered, move promptly along to the end of the counter where you will collect your order and have your payment card ready.
•It’s all in a name
Some large coffee shops and chains have adopted the American custom of asking for your name, which is then written on your takeaway coffee cup to avoid mix-ups over orders. If someone asks you for your name, don’t react as if your privacy has been violated. If you’re bothered about it, just give them a generic, short name (Bob, Sue, Ann, Tom etc).
If you have a long name, which might pose spelling and space challenges on the cup, for example ‘Persephone’ or ‘Willoughby’, give a shortened or adapted form, eg ‘Percy’ or ‘Will’. You don’t want to be painstakingly spelling out your name while a queue builds up behind you.
•Pay attention
It’s very rude to the harassed barista if you conduct the entire transaction while you’re chatting to someone else on your mobile phone. You might think you’re a master of multitasking, but you just come across as a boorish person who is treating serving staff with contempt.
•Be polite
Coffee shops can be frantic, bustling spaces, but that doesn’t mean you should be brusque or peremptory. Remember to smile, to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and keep the whole transaction courteous.
•Stand back
Stand back while you’re waiting for your coffee to be delivered and don’t jostle other customers.
•No crowding
Once you’ve got your coffee, you will probably have to go to a different counter to pick up sugar, stirrers, napkins etc. Space is always at a premium, so pick up what you want as quickly as possible and always be conscious of other people – say ‘excuse me’ if you need to reach past someone, don’t push.
•Dispose of the cup
Whether you’re picking up a coffee for a train journey, the office, or just proposing to sip your drink as you stroll along, be hyper-aware of the need to dispose of empty receptacles promptly, in litter bins. Never leave empty coffee cups on, for example, train carriage tables or on park benches, and be very mindful of wooden stirrers, which are often overlooked and carelessly discarded.
If you’re opting to drink a coffee at one of the tables provided, make sure you’re well equipped with paper napkins, so you can instantly mop up any spills or sugar scatterings and leave the table in a fit state for the next occupant. At busy times, tables are at a premium and harassed staff might not have time to whizz around with a damp cloth.
Coffee shops are great places to meet friends, take some time out during a busy day, or even plug in your laptop and get on with some work. In the middle of the day, when the rush hour has receded and the venue is peaceful and half-empty, it is fine to settle in with your mobile, laptop, book etc. But you should always be conscious of the ebb and flow of customers and make sure you’re not hogging a much-needed table while you linger over a single cup of coffee. If you’re in for the long haul, make sure you order more than one drink; coffee shops rely on a rapid turnover.
If you are indulging in a cup of coffee to drink in, think about the correct drinking etiquette:
•Coffee is served in a cup and saucer. Pick up the saucer with the left hand and use your right hand to raise the cup to your mouth. Don’t leave the saucer on the table while you’re lifting the cup.
•If you drink your coffee with sugar, stir it by moving the teaspoon from the bottom of the cup to the top (nor round and round). This will ensure that the foam on the top of the coffee is not deflated.
•Coffee is served with a teaspoon. If you have ordered a macchiato or latte, you can use the teaspoon to mix the layers of steamed milk and foam with the espresso base. Some experts recommend that cappuccino should not be stirred, but this is a matter of personal taste. Don’t raise the teaspoon to your mouth and always leave the teaspoon in the saucer when you have finished the coffee.
In a world of increasingly polarised positions, political disagreements, extreme convictions and entrenched views, it can seem as if everybody is arguing or locked in heated discussions. Arguments can never be avoided or sidestepped, they’re part of everyday life, but there are ways in which their potential to damage or fracture relationships can be mitigated.
Whether you’re arguing about petty domestic disputes (who’s going to do the washing up, what to have for dinner), locked in gladiatorial combat over a hot political issue, or fighting over business strategy with your colleagues, the techniques to ensure that you disagree agreeably are basically the same.
•Respect other People
At its most basic level, this means giving other people your full attention, listening intently and not interrupting. You may well be feeling fired up and passionate and brimming over with counterarguments and refutations, but you must give the other person the space and time to expound their own point of view.
•Stay Positive
As you listen to the other person, you may be overwhelmed with feelings of anger and negativity, but you will have a much greater impact if you react positively. Practise listening to someone expounding an argument which you totally refute and saying something positive like “you make a very interesting point” or “that’s a fascinating point of view, but I do have one major concern”. You are wrapping your disagreement in a positive response, which effectively defuses the other person’s defensiveness – arguers can become ever more entrenched in their positions if they feel their propositions are being shot down in flames.
•Ask Questions
Instead of hitting back with a passionate counterarguments, try the technique of asking gentle, probing questions. It will gradually become clear that you are interrogating a position and do not entirely agree with it, but it will also become apparent that you are seeking to find common ground and in-depth answers.
•Don’t Harangue
It’s no good sitting quietly, waiting for someone to present their point of view, then simply ignore everything they’ve said before embarking on a prolonged attack. Adopting a purely oppositional stance, with no concessions to the other side, will make them defensive and obstinate and there is no chance of reaching resolution.
•Reiterate
One of the main factors that can turn arguments sour or even volatile is the feeling that both sides are not listening to each other, but are merely rehearsing their own arguments, often at increasing volume. It is really helpful, therefore, to re-state the opposition viewpoint and to prove that you have been listening intelligently, which means saying something like “So if I understand correctly, you’re saying that we are incapable of reaching that target and that it is therefore an unreasonable aspiration?”
•Reframe
We’ve all been involved in arguments that have become bogged down in entrenched positions and endless repetitions. This is entirely non-productive, and if you find yourself stuck, a good way out is to reframe the topic, which means suggesting that it is looked at from a different perspective, perhaps as part of a broader issue, or as an example of a whole suite of recurrent disagreements. Looking at the areas of contention from a different angle can sometimes point to new solutions.
•Stay Polite
Arguments can become truly disagreeable when participants become stressed, provoked and angry. At this point, they may well lose their inhibitions and become alarmingly aggressive or even resort to personal insults and put-downs. No argument should ever be allowed to reach this point and remembering to stay polite is the best defence against excessive volatility. This can be something as simple as saying “Thank you for taking the time to explain your point of view” or “I’d be very grateful if you could explain what you mean” or “I apologise if it sounds like I was making assumptions”. These phrases may sound excessively flowery, but they are excellent ways of disarming the opposition and de-escalating the dispute.
•Persuade
Above all, it’s not so much about what you say, but how you say it. If you disagree profoundly with someone, coming at them with all guns blazing will put them on the back foot and may well make them dig in. Asking questions, presenting evidence, gently challenging assumptions, recognising their point of view – these are all techniques that may well win them over to your point of view.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine’.”
Tommy Cooper, comedian
Our roads are increasingly overcrowded, our residential streets are lined with parked cars and parking in town centres is strictly limited. It is not surprising, therefore, that parking has become an area of contention, particularly between harassed motorists and beleaguered residents. Time pressures and frustration are all added to the mix, and tensions consequently run high. These can sometimes break out in bad-tempered parking arguments, but more usually simmer beneath the surface, the fuel for much resentment and bitterness, sometimes expressed in aggressive notes that are left on windscreens…
This is an area of daily life where consideration and good manners can go a long way towards mitigating problems:
If you’re desperately scanning for a parking space, don’t crawl along at a snail's pace with a tail of impatient motorists trailing behind you. Indicate and pull over until the road is clear. Never, ever steal into a parking space when another motorist is already indicating their intention to park there.
ManoeuvringWhen you find that elusive space, indicate immediately to signal your intention. With any luck, other motorists will pass you, leaving you to perform your manoeuvres in peace.
However, all too frequently this tricky act of slotting your car into a compact space must be performed under the keen scrutiny of other motorists and many stressed drivers experience a kind of performance anxiety in these circumstances and make a terrible hash of their parking.
If you are observing another motorist who is losing the plot and it’s clear that parking panic has set in, never display your derision (revving your engine is aggressive and blowing your horn is just rude). Remember this could always happen to you.
Park as neatly as possible. That means tucking yourself into the kerb – avoid mounting the kerb, as this is an irritant to pedestrians, especially parents with pushchairs and wheelchair users.
Always leave adequate room to front and rear for adjacent motorists to manoeuvre. Boxing someone in is the height of bad manners.
Make sure that your car is only taking up one parking space; it is extremely inconsiderate to leave half a car’s length between you and the next car and, where space is at a premium, will make fellow motorists extremely irate. They will rightly accuse you of being selfish.
Before you leave your car, check out your immediate environment and ensure that you are not blocking driveways, or endangering other motorists in any way.
Respect the road markings: if you see a single yellow line, you must check out the small yellow notices (often mounted on a wall or lamppost) that spell out specific restrictions. Do not park on double yellow or double red lines – they are there for a reason and you might be endangering yourself or other people.
Scrawled handwritten notes on windscreens (“Delivering: Back in 5 minutes”) won’t cut the mustard with zealous traffic wardens. Abide by the rules of the road. Check parking regulations and ensure that you have paid up and displayed stickers clearly. Many parking meters are now connected to apps only, so be prepared as you may have to download an app to complete your payment.
Don’t even think about poaching disabled bays or parking in residents’ permits only spaces. You are not entitled to do this – even if it is only for a few minutes.
Be extra vigilant in multi-storey car parks and supermarket car parks. That means you should drive extremely slowly and carefully, and always be ready to let people exit parking spaces in front of you, even if it slows you down.
Park carefully in the middle of bays; it’s inconsiderate to abandon the car at a rakish angle, which might mean that access to the adjacent car is extremely awkward.
Don’t park in parent and child bays at the supermarket if you’re not entitled to. They’re wider than normal bays for a reason; to enable parents to extract children from the car while juggling pushchairs and laden shopping trolleys. They’re often located temptingly close to the shop entrance, which is a bonus for harassed parents of small children – not for other motorists.
Many of us live in towns with residents’ parking and strict conditions for non-residents. As a host, it is your responsibility to assist your guests when they come to visit you. In many towns, residents are entitled to guest parking, but you should sort it out beforehand (obtain vouchers, visit the council parking app etc) and keep your guests fully informed of the arrangements.
If there is no facility for guest parking, forcing your guests to take potluck with on-street parking, inform them of this and explain what time parking restrictions end and how they can pay for parking (app, cash, debit card, phone) beforehand. It is also helpful, if you know of certain nearby streets that generally have spaces, to also inform your guests of this fact.
"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts.”
William Shakespeare, As You Like It
Are you the protagonist in your own life “movie” and do you see everyone else as playing merely supporting roles? You might be suffering from “main character syndrome”, a TikTok trend that originated during the Covid lockdowns and has rapidly become a shorthand for a certain kind of narcissistic behaviour.
Main characters are self-centred and self-absorbed, indifferent to collaboration and unable to take criticism or laugh at themselves. They may be prone to over dramatic behaviour, or likely to fish for compliments and positive feedback. They will tend to see themselves as the self-appointed “queen bees” in their group. Their sense of entitlement makes them unable, and unwilling, to provide support and sympathy to the “lesser” characters in their life story, who they may see as mere bit players or avid fans.
This form of reinvention and self-projection finds its true home on social media, where aspiring protagonists can use carefully curated images and postings to create a rose-tinted vision of perfection. This is frequently misleading and dishonest, but main characters will find any criticism of their persona or scepticism about their fantasy world extremely offensive.
This tendency may be rooted in a sense of disappointment and disillusionment and can reflect a desire to capture control and agency over circumstances. Ultimately, it may contribute to feelings of self-worth and self-confidence, though undoubtedly this will be at the expense of other people.
If you have a friend who suffers from main character syndrome, you have a simple choice. You can consent to play a supporting role and usher them on to the centre stage. It might be that you find the spectacle enjoyable and entertaining and, if you are not particularly vulnerable or needy, you might naturally gravitate to being a semi-detached observer on the side lines. If, on the other hand, you expect more from your friends than projection and performance and feel that you need support, care and attention, you may well be advised to reconsider your friendship priorities and look elsewhere.
Dealing with a self-obsessed and recalcitrant main character in your social circle has its own challenges, but the problem becomes much more intractable in a professional context. You may well find yourself working with such a person. If you think you have spotted a likely candidate, ask the following questions:
•Does this person thrive on being the centre of attention?
•Do they think they are smarter than everyone else?
•Do they complain that they are underappreciated and under-rewarded?
•Are they prone to claiming other people’s achievements as their own?
•Are they liable to blame colleagues to keep their own reputation intact?
•Are they non-team players, who prefer to work alone and find collaboration difficult?
It is easy to see that all these characteristics are difficult to manage in the workplace and may well create a toxic environment, where resentment and grudges thrive. Managers need to be very wary of main characters, as a tendency to praise or reward them will bring simmering resentment amongst their colleagues to a head. On the other hand, their self-confidence and self-belief might reap benefits: they may well be willing to take risks, think big and pursue ambitious goals – as leaders, it is possible that they will sweep all before them, but the question is will they do so with the willing compliance of their colleagues?
If you find yourself being forced to work with a colleague who suffers from main character syndrome, you will need to fight back and assert yourself, or you will be consigned to the chorus and never find yourself in a leading role. You must explain, explicitly, why you find their behaviour difficult, obtuse and offensive, and straight talking might break through their armour-plated belief in their own aptitude. If that doesn’t work you must, as with all complaints related to colleagues, document their behaviour, and if necessary talk to co-workers, team leaders or human resources.
As the new year dawns, we take a look at five resolutions that will help improve your social skills and make the world a more courteous place.
Doom-mongers often remark that manners are in decline and that standards of behaviour are slipping. New modes of communication, notably mobile phones, are tending to make people inward-looking and cut off, and in some cases are impeding awareness of the self and other people, which is the cornerstone of good manners. At the same time, we have all observed a marked shift towards more informal manners, with much less emphasis on respect and deference, and more stress on friendliness and the desire to put other people at their ease. This should only be encouraged, and social interactions are greatly improved if we are attentive to other people and self-aware about our own behaviour.
With this in mind, we recommend taking the following steps:
•Remember the Social Niceties
Simple pleasantries such as ‘please’, ‘thank you’, ‘excuse me’, ‘how are you?’, ‘good morning’, ‘good afternoon’ oil the wheels of social intercourse. They also have a transformative effect when things are going wrong, or you’re feeling under stress, mitigating the pressures of modern life. If you forget to use them, you will come across as inconsiderate and boorish, intent on your own interests and neglectful of everyone else.
The more you remember to use these pleasantries the more automatic they will become. People will recognise that you are polite and courteous, and you will find the world a much more friendly place.
•Chat to Strangers
Try to enjoy a friendly exchange with a stranger at least once a day and you will soon recognise that it improves your mood and make you feel the world is a better place. Whether it is a shop assistant, your neighbour on the bus, the refuse collectors or a courier, taking the encounter a step beyond basic greetings provides a moment of social interaction and will leave you with a positive afterglow.
You may choose to fall back on that good old British standby, the weather, which is always a fruitful topic. Alternatively, you might enjoy a shared complaint – the infrequent bus service or long queue. Concentrate on keeping the exchange reasonably light-hearted, whatever the topic, and you will find that you have put a smile on your face (and the other person’s).
•Be aware of your Social Footprint
We’re all aware of the concept of our carbon footprint, which measures our own environmental impact. This idea can usefully be applied to the idea of any negative impact you may be having as you mix with other people in everyday situations.
It’s just a matter of being conscious of your physical presence and the effect you are having on the people around you. This might be a simple matter, such as the fact that you’ve dumped your coat on the adjacent seat on the train, which means that nobody can use it. Or you might be listening to music on your phone in a quiet coach without headphones and disturbing your neighbours. Or you might be walking three abreast down the pavement, forcing other pedestrians to scatter as you advance. All these behaviours are caused by a lack of awareness of the negative ways in which you can impose yourself on the people around you – taking up too much space, making too much noise, impinging on other people’s territory.
If you become conscious of your footprint, you will automatically make a number of evaluations in any situation and will pre-empt any cause for complaint. You will be aware of potential sources of inconvenience or noise pollution and do your utmost to ensure that you are not causing resentment.
•Pay attention!
Most bad manners emanate not only from the tendency to be blind to your own impact (see above), but also from being oblivious to the feelings of the people around you. Spotting the lonely wallflower at a party who is in desperate need of an introduction, noticing that a heavily pregnant woman is forced to stand on the tube, being aware that your guests are shivering in your under-heated home – these are all situations that, once observed, can be easily remedied.
The key to good manners is to be attentive and empathetic, which might mean that you need to de-prioritise your own needs, look outwards and focus your consideration on the people around you.
•Be prompt in all things
This plea applies to many spheres of activity. Always being punctual is a mark of respect: it indicates that you value other people’s time and do not want to squander it needlessly. Resist the tendency, which is the result of the universality of mobile phones, to think that nowadays timings are always approximate and easily re-negotiated through texting updates. Even if you are bombarding people with a blow-by-blow account of your journey, and detailed information about hold-ups and mishaps, you are still mucking them around, forcing them to wait and inconveniencing them.
Be swift to reply to all communications. There is really no excuse, when everybody has the power of instantaneous communication at their fingertips, to be tardy about replying to texts, calls and messages. We all know how easy it is to communicate, so being forced to wait for a reply or even forced to send a “did you get my text/email?” query is all the more frustrating. Make it a rule to reply as quickly as possible to all communications; if you do not have an immediate answer, it’s always a good idea to send a holding message, which reassures the sender that you are on the case and will get back to them shortly. By ensuring that everyone you know is never inconvenienced by your inefficiency, you will be gaining a reputation as a friendly, reliable, cooperative and considerate person, which is never a bad thing.
It is probable that older people have always felt somewhat side-lined and supplanted by rising generations, but at least in the past age conferred a senior place in society and older people were objects of respect and deference. Elaborate codes of conduct and protocol ensured that they were given precedence in everything from seating plans to lists, announcements and introductions, and they were treated with delicacy and consideration. It was universally recognised that they had amassed wisdom and experience (though this was not inevitably the case) and were therefore well-placed to advise and guide younger people, who were ready and willing to take direction.
But the 21st century has seen a profound reversal in these social norms. Mass media and social media increasingly purvey a youth-orientated view of the world and, even if older people are given media space, it is generally because they have defied their age and hung on to their youthful looks, enthusiasm and energy. The pace of technological change has accelerated alarmingly; a generation who grew up with steam trains and wirelesses, for whom a family car or household telephone was a rare luxury, have rapidly passed through a bewildering array of changes, including televisions, air travel, personal computers and mobile phones. The biggest change of all is, of course, the internet and the ways in which it has permeated every aspect of our daily life are legion.
According to a 2022 Ofcom report, 6 per cent of households in the UK have no internet access, while 73 per cent of people aged over sixty-five use the internet at home, leaving a substantial 27 per cent of older people disenfranchised and overlooked.
We’re all aware that an ability to survive in the digital world has become an increasingly important life skill. The administration of daily life is now firmly in the realm of the internet, from banking and paying household bills to communicating with Government and local government departments, booking travel tickets, making medical appointments and obtaining repeat prescriptions. Online tools are an invaluable way of comparing the prices of utilities, broadband and insurance; without access to this information, customers are likely to pay a much higher premium for daily necessities.
With no internet older people, who might also have eschewed the world of mobile phones, find themselves reliant on landlines. Telephone answering systems are now chronically undermanned and dauntingly complex. Callers are confronted with a bewildering list of options, asked to navigate their way through myriad menus, and often left holding on for an unconscionably long time before being passed to the wrong department. Some companies simply refuse to recognise that any of their customers do not use the internet and provide no analogue help or assistance.
Against this background it behoves all of us who operate in a customer-facing role to be hyper-aware of the difficulties that older people may be experiencing. Breezily advising someone to just “go online and put in your details” is deeply unhelpful and it is always polite to enquire if someone has access to the internet and, if they don’t, to to do your best to help them.
This requires patience and empathy. Try to put yourself in their shoes and understand how anxious and precarious they must feel as they try to steer a course through a daunting digital world. Be aware that becoming flustered will only make them less able to cope and use phrases like “take your time” and “don’t worry, I’m still here” to calm anxiety.
Try not to present them with dead ends (eg “we don’t take cheques any more; it’s online payments only” or “we can only deal with these enquiries through our website”). Do your utmost to find other ways of accommodating them and suggesting alternative ways they can approach the issue.
Don’t make assumptions: it’s preposterous to tell someone with mobility problems to “pop down to the post office”. You need to make a gentle enquiry first about access and mobility, eg “Do you have a post office nearby and are you able to get to it?”.
Enunciate slowly and clearly, but don’t shout. It will soon become apparent if you are dealing with someone with hearing difficulties, but making a general assumption is insulting.
If you have an older person who is not able to access the internet in your life (a family member, friend or neighbour), it is always a good idea to offer your services as a digital assistant. Just mention that you’re available and then make a habit of doing a regular digital screening – that means enquiring about all the utilities and services that are being used and ensuring that the older person has not become ensnared in out-of-date, unsuitable and expensive contracts.
If you are held in complete trust, you can also help with digital banking and online payments.
You might even be able to initiate your friend or relative into the mysteries of the internet, but you should only do this if they’re willing to learn, robust and receptive to the idea. Bear in mind that learning this skill in old age is very challenging and remind yourself that you will need to be extremely patient and reassuring. Using a computer or smartphone might well feel like second nature to you, but it is a completely alien technology to the uninitiated.
Haranguing an unwilling listener about the undoubted benefits of the online world is deeply off-putting and possibly quite confusing. Gently pointing out that certain activities would be less stressful online might be more persuasive.
Bear in mind that the internet has opened us all up to ever more creative forms of fraud and deceit. Older people are vulnerable to plausible fraudsters who cold-call them and persuade them to give away vitally important security information, or to download software or click on links, giving criminals access to bank accounts or computers. It is scarcely surprising that some older people are extremely wary of the whole digital world, and it would be foolish to show them how to access it if you are worried that they will fall prey to internet scams. First and foremost, they must be receptive to your warnings and suspicious of all unsolicited contact.
If you do decide to help someone get online, remember the following:
•Establish what the person wants to do online and make this a priority. Getting side tracked by the multiple possibilities of the internet might be mind-blowing but also disheartening.
•Spend some time setting up the computer, tablet or smartphone so that it is tailored to the user’s needs, giving them easy access to apps and the internet browser. Set up the browser home page with bookmarks to the user’s favourite sites. Ensure that the browser typeface is set to a legible font.
•Set the browser to remember passwords and log-ons on frequently visited sites. The demand for passwords is frequently seen by the uninitiated as an insurmountable challenge – they have been written down somewhere, are mis-typed or mis-remembered. Let the technology do the work.
•Mind your language. Words like ‘icon’, ‘browser’, ‘cursor’, ‘reboot’ are part of everyday parlance, but may very well be baffling to a new user. You might find words like ‘little picture’, ‘exploring window’, ‘pointy arrow’, ‘start up again’ are more useful. This may feel patronising, but if you have established that digital terminology is incomprehensible, creative language will be a pragmatic alternative.
•Remember that it is always easier to learn if you are performing a task, rather than observing someone else. Sitting passively while watching you darting around the screen with rapid clicks of your mouse or rattling out commands on a keyboard may feel daunting. Instead, sit your pupil down in front of the screen and let him/her wield the mouse from the outset. Remember an endless supply of patience is a virtue. Make encouraging remarks and reassure your pupil that it will take time to master this new skill and never allow your frustration with their slowness or incomprehension to show.
•Once you are confident that they are in control, and only then, you can introduce them to the world of online banking and online shopping but remember that this must be accompanied with dire warnings about fraud awareness and safety online.
•You may have to accept that you can bring your pupil to the point where they are able to send an email and navigate to a website and no further. Even if you are still needed for other more challenging digital tasks, you have at least opened a little window into a new world.
As the holiday season fast approaches, we turn our thoughts to the ways in which digital technology has had an impact on our Christmas traditions.
Many of us, faced with the rising costs of postage, are choosing to send digital greetings rather than cards this Christmas. Perhaps we are choosing e-cards, are sending out Christmas emails, posting on social media, or relying on texts and WhatsApps to communicate our good wishes to friends and family. There are myriad ways of communicating at this busy time of year and people are becoming increasingly tolerant of alternatives to the traditional Christmas card. However, you must be discriminating about who you choose to address in this way. Older generations might still value Christmas cards, however expensive they may be, and are less likely to feel comfortable with new technology and innovative ways of communicating.
What of Christmas Day itself? Mobile phones have become an integral part of our everyday lives and they need to be accommodated during the holiday season. While everyone will appreciate the ability to stay in touch with friends and relations, share Christmas highlights, enjoy taking and sending photographs and so on, there will be many people who are disconcerted by the ubiquity of phones, especially at the festive table.
We owe a lot of our Christmas fantasies to Charles Dickens and the Victorians, and it is hard to reconcile our image of the convivial Dickensian table with the sight of a 21st-century family poring over their phones as the turkey congeals on the plate. If that prospect makes you shudder, you will need to address the question of phones before the big day.
Children and teenagers are compulsive phone-users, so it is a good idea to lay down some rules well in advance and explain that Christmas is a very special time of year and therefore there is going to be a rule that no phones are allowed at the dining table, or when everyone is involved in family activities, such as playing games. Make it a communal challenge, and perhaps impose a jokey sanction each time you spot a phone being used (eg the offender must do the drying up or clear up the wrapping paper etc). Perhaps the person who has gone longest without toying with their phone could get a prize. Try and get the whole family involved and make it into a Christmas game.
When it comes to older relations and guests, it might be a good idea to just grasp the nettle. You can say something like “we’re going to be sitting down to lunch at about 2 o’clock, and as it’s a special day I’m imposing a blanket ban on mobiles at the table!” You might allow a brief moratorium when you bring in the Christmas turkey, so that everyone can take photographs of the table and guests but be very strict about insisting that phones are put away immediately. As the Christmas host, who has probably put heroic efforts into making the day a success, you are perfectly entitled to lay down the law, and your guests should accept your diktats with good grace.
Accept that, at other times over the Christmas period, when everyone is just enjoying the aftermath of the present bonanza, or playing with new gifts etc, the phones will inevitably come out. Don’t fight it at those times, just save your firepower for the important moments.
Mobile phones are a great way of keeping in touch with absent friends and relations on Christmas Day, and many people will enjoy a festive phone call. Bear in mind that everyone has a different festive routine, and it is hard to know when they will be eating, opening presents, playing games, out for a walk etc., so it is best to prearrange a Christmas phone call, and ask when a convenient time would be to call, rather than just ringing when the mood takes you and interrupting a cherished moment of the day.
If the call is to a whole family, it’s probably best if the phone is passed to each individual member, rather than expecting everyone to cluster around. If you’re receiving the call in a noisy room, with lots of excited children, it would be a good idea to take it somewhere else to chat as the caller may find you barely audible. Remember that, if the caller is on their own, a hubbub of excited chatter and barely audible remarks is not going to be a very satisfactory backdrop and may make them feel lonely and isolated. So, make time to focus on Christmas calls, away from distractions.
Facetime is much more disruptive, since most people spend Christmas Day gathered in the same room and – unless you use headphones or earbuds – the call will be half-audible to everyone. So, if you do decide to have a Facetime call, it is probably best to take it in another room, perhaps warning the rest of your family that you will be doing so. Once again, it’s best to bring other family members into the call on an individual basis, rather than all trying to cluster, half-visible, around a small screen.
Don’t turn into a Christmas paparazzo, constantly arranging your family into group shots, and taking ages to get the lighting and composition right. While nobody objects to the occasional photo or selfie, constantly having to get out of chair in which you’ve just settled down and got comfortable, with a glass of bubbly at your elbow, can soon get onerous and irritating.
Always ask parents before posting photographs of small children online – they may well object. And be very careful about teenagers too – they are meticulous curators of their own image and may feel mortified if you post an image of them looking comically grumpy in a Christmas jumper and rumpled paper crown.
You might be thrilled with your Christmas booty and overjoyed by the fact that you’re spending the festive season in the bosom of a loving and affectionate family but spare a thought for the millions of people who are not in this lucky position and resist the temptation to post endless gloating updates about your fabulous Christmas online.
