We all acknowledge that the exchanging of gifts is an important part of our Christmas ritual, but many of us tie ourselves up in knows about this pleasing custom and find that it is the cause of a great deal of anxiety, tetchiness and over-spending.
It can be useful to agree an upper expenditure limit well before Christmas. This will ensure that you’re not a competitive present-giver: extravagant presents can cause embarrassment if they have not been reciprocated.
Some families circulate Christmas gift lists, which alleviate stress and ensure that gifts are really hitting the target. Other families will find this practice over-pragmatic and likely to destroy the mystique of the gift-giving season. These practices will be a well-established part of family lore, which you will need to respect. In these more straitened times, a‘Secret Santa’ agreement ensures that you will only have to buy one present, within a pre-agreed price band (but most children will fail to see the magic of this arrangement and should be exempt).
If you’re giving cash think about giving it in the form of a gift token (after checking that it’s for an appropriate store or service). Alternatively, supplement the cash contribution with a small, jokey present; it will soften the transactional nature of the gift. If you have guests coming for Christmas day, you must buy them a present, even if it is only a token gift.
Gift-giving should be reciprocal, so one way of guarding against social embarrassment is to build up a small pre-Christmas store of generic items: toiletries, chocolates or books are all good choices. You will then never be blindsided by an unexpected present. If you have not made any preparation and someone unexpectedly presents you with a gift, try and evade any embarrassment by saying something like, “I haven’t bought you a gift, as I thought it might be more fun if I took you out for dinner/drinks/tea etc in the new year.”
Receiving PresentsWhen you open presents do so calmly and methodically and avoid frantic ripping. Handle the parcel first and comment on the wrapping. Often you will find yourself being anxiously observed by the giver (the moment when a present is unveiled can be extremely tense for both parties), so make sure you address your remarks to them. Never allow a crestfallen expression to flicker, even momentarily, across your face as it is likely to cause consternation in the nervous onlooker.
Every present, no matter how dull, inappropriate or unimaginative, should be greeted with gracious enthusiasm. You can always find something positive to say about even the most functional present (eg “grey socks? Thank you, these will be ideal for wearing with my work suit!). If you are puzzled by a gift or can’t begin to think why you have been given it, never let your confusion show. Just say something bland like “A hacksaw! That will be really useful!”.
It clearly makes economic sense to find a new home for unwanted gifts, but you must recycle presents with the utmost caution outside your social circle. Only re-gift if you are confident that the original present-giver and the recipient of the re-gifting will never cross paths, so you are probably wise to avoid re-gifting within your immediate social circle. Never make the mistake of re-gifting a present back to the original giver – that is a faux pas from which it is hard to recover.
If you really don’t like, or want, a Christmas gift it could possibly be returned or exchanged, but this must be approached with discretion. The simplest situation is if you are given a present, for example a book, that you already own. You can say something gracious and complimentary like “That’s a really good choice – in fact I’ve already got it and I love it! Would you mind if I changed it?”
If you know the giver well, react positively to the gift on opening. Then tactfully mention (once the Christmas giving spree has died down) that you really appreciate your present, but you’re not sure it’s, for example, the right colour, size, style etc. Never disparage the choice (“You know I don’t like bright colours”), instead say something like “It’s a beautiful colour, but I think I’d find it a bit too bright” – it’s much better if you can blame yourself, not the giver. Then say something like “I wouldn’t want your generosity to go to waste, so would you mind if…”. Only do this if you are convinced that you won’t hurt the feelings of the giver.
If you’re concerned that the giver will be really upset by any indication that you don’t like your present, you could consider returning it or selling it, but only do so if you’re completely confident that your subterfuge won’t be uncovered. You don’t want your mother-in-law to innocently ask “Why don’t you ever wear that lovely cerise scarf I gave you last Christmas?”, when you know full well that you have taken it back to the store and exchanged it.
It’s never plain sailing when you’re hosting at home, especially at this time of year. Ideally, you want to appear calm and unruffled, despite any kitchen calamities, so we’ve had a look at some common pitfalls and how to overcome them.
It’s all too easy, when you’re distracted by children, pets and guests, to be heavy-handed with the seasoning. When you taste the result, you might be thrown into a blind panic and tempted to throw the whole dish away, but there are lots of fixes that will salvage even the spiciest, saltiest dish:
•Dilution
If you’ve overdone the seasoning in a soup, stew or gravy, the easiest solution is to dilute it by gradually adding water and tasting as you go.
Alternatively, you can mitigate the over-seasoning by adding vegetables, grains or noodles – they will soak up the strong tastes.
•The Handy Potato
Chunks of raw potato, added to soups or stews, will act as a sponge, absorbing the salt. You can leave the potatoes for a few minutes to work their magic, then discard them.
•Sugar and Spice
If your dish is flaming hot, add some sugar or honey, which will offset the spiciness. Dairy products will also offset the effects of over-spicy food. Serve hot curries and salsas with a side dish of yoghurt or sour cream.
If you’ve overdone the sugar and honey and made the dish sickly sweet, offset the cloying flavour with the addition of citrus juice, wine or vinegar.
It’s so easy, with so much going on, to take your eye off the stove at a crucial moment and find that you’ve burnt the gently frying onions, charred the salmon fillet, or let the water run dry on the boiling sprouts.
There’s not much you can do with food that has been incinerated (which is why you need emergency back-up in your freezer), but it’s important to get rid of the smell of burning, which might be deeply discouraging to your guests. Quickly open all the doors and windows to air the house. Try simmering a couple of cinnamon sticks or a handful of cloves in a saucepan of water or burning a scented candle. Air freshener won’t mask the smell, it will just fill your house with a chemical stink.
If your food is irredeemably burnt or catastrophically over-seasoned, your turkey is dry and stringy, or you’ve upended the roasting tin and dropped roast potatoes and hot fat all over the floor, you might have to turn to your emergency supplies. For meat-eaters, it is a good idea to stock your freezer with chicken breast fillets. These can be grilled super-quickly (you can use a microwave or jug of hot water to defrost them). You can dress them up with a mushroom sauce, drizzle them with pesto (a store cupboard stalwart) or whip up a quick tomato, olive oil and garlic sauce, served with pasta. The latter is a good solution if you have vegetarians at the table. Vegans and vegetarians alike will be delighted with a chickpea, coconut and spinach dahl. Lentils, tinned chickpeas and coconut milk are store cupboard staples, and it’s a good idea to have spinach in the freezer.
It is, of course, a faux-pas to bring an uninvited plus one to dinner without adequate warning. The fault is with the guest who has taken the liberty of bringing the extra person, but it is the host who must pay the price and frantically re-appraise catering options, juggle with ingredients, and even accommodate special dietary requirements.
At Christmas, there is also a high risk of spontaneous invitations and last-minute bouts of bonhomie that bring unanticipated guests to the festive table. It is important during this most hospitable time of the year to be well-prepared for all contingencies.
The ideal option is to bulk up your existing menu with rice, French bread, an extra dish of peas from the freezer, a large bowl of salad. Even though the main dish might have to be stretched further, the table will be groaning with offerings and will look generous and hospitable. Introduce a cheese course to stretch food even further – if you are following the French style, you will have it between the main course and pudding; the English fashion is to eat cheese at the end of the meal, preferably washed down with a glass of port.
If all else fails, you might have to create some extra last-minute dishes, in which case you can look at the emergency suggestions outlined above.
These are always on the cards when a large group is gathered, spirits are high, and wine is flowing freely. As the host you must immediately quell any post-accident furore and put the lid on the culprit’s self-reproach. Breakages are inevitable – if you know your guests are going to be rowdy and the children are hyped-up and over-excited, don’t use your grandmother’s precious heirloom glasses. Sacrifice your desire for a super-stylish table and opt for more workaday china and glassware. If a guest breaks something that is obviously valuable, they should offer to compensate you, and you should politely refuse.
There are few stains that can’t be removed – even red wine. A little white wine, applied immediately, will neutralise the effect that the red wine has on your carpet. If the wine has dried, dab it with soda water to lift the colour from the carpet fibres. Salt will keep the stain from setting in - leave it on the carpet for about 30 minutes before hoovering it up.
Remember, your guests don’t know what you’ve planned to serve, so they won’t be disappointed when it fails to materialise. The main thing is to keep calm and reserve panic, rage and hysteria for the kitchen, or somewhere suitably private, with the door firmly closed.
Present your rescued, salvaged, or improvised dishes with aplomb and never indulge in an apologetic commentary: “I’m so sorry, this was meant to be a light and fluffy soufflé, but it hasn’t risen and it’s more like a concrete brick...” and so on. Anxiety is infectious and your guests will have a much better time if they feel they are in the hands of a self-confident and capable host.
As the big day approaches, we suggest ten ways to ensure that Christmas goes with a swing, and that tensions, cross words and disappointments do not mar everyone’s enjoyment:
1. Accept Contributions
It is essential that you control your spending at this expensive time of year and don’t use money as a solution to every problem. It is crazy to overspend on gifts and hospitality because you want to be an impeccable host – none of your guests would be happy to learn that you have over-stretched yourself financially to provide a picture-perfect Christmas.
When it comes to hosting, everyone knows that Christmas can be super-expensive, so bite the bullet and communicate clearly with guests and family members beforehand. If one of your guests asks “what can I bring?”, don’t default to the very British “nothing”. Instead, make a pragmatic and helpful suggestion, eg ask your guest to supply the wine for the Christmas lunch, or bring mince pies and a hunk of Stilton. These gestures will not only help you cope with the pressures of hosting, they will also gratify guests, who are anxious to make a Christmas donation.
2. Plan for All Contingencies
It goes without saying that you will stock your freezer, fridge and cupboards with plentiful supplies of food, and in the days before Christmas you will be purchasing all the fresh food and vegetables necessary for the festive feast. But what if you are suddenly confronted with an extra guest (or more)? How do you react if one of your teenage nieces or nephews casually announces that they’ve gone vegan? How do you cope when the oven packs up on Christmas Day and you’ve got half a dozen hungry guests around your table?
All of these near disasters can be averted if you are well supplied with store cupboard essentials (eg pasta, couscous, rice, anchovies, tuna, pine nuts, dried fruits) as well as ensuring that you have stocks of chicken (thighs and fillets), salmon, prawns, peas, broad beans and pastry in the freezer. With these essentials you have the capacity to whip up alternative meals (or extra dishes) with a minimum of fuss and panic.
3. Pace the Day
Everyone’s Christmas is different, and routines and rituals are extremely varied. It is always a good idea to spread out the main events (eg presents, big meal, games, TV), and to allow intervals between each mini highlight when your guests and family members can relax and re-charge.
This is particularly crucial if you are entertaining older people. Remember that grandparents and members of the older generation may begin to wilt if they’re cooped up for hours on end with over-excited children and may well need to take time out from the festivities – so ensure that they can do so without interruption or interference. This might mean suggesting that they retreat to their own rooms for a cup of tea and a lie down if it all gets too much.
4. Be Relaxed about Rituals
Everyone has their own ideas about how Christmas Day should be celebrated, but if you are hosting you will need to be flexible about your own time-honoured Christmas traditions. Don’t lay down the law (“we always have a glass of champagne while we open our presents at 11am and sit down for lunch at 1pm). It is much more courteous to suggest that this is how the day should be celebrated, and to use tentative phrases like “we usually open our presents mid-morning and have a glass of champagne. Would that suit you?”. Guests will feel that they are fully participating in the day and not being steamrollered.
Similarly, if you are a guest, it is your primary responsibility to be flexible about your hosts’ Christmas routines and timetable. You might feel that they eat far too late, and open presents far too early, but you should not comment on these perceived transgressions. Go with the flow and follow your host’s lead.
5. Welcome Help
You might have the fantasy of being the perfect Christmas host, who works away seamlessly and efficiently in the background and produces an exquisitely cooked meal without breaking a sweat.
The reality is that most of us find cooking the Christmas meal a stressful experience. We crave perfection, but frequently must be satisfied with more workaday compromises, and the coordination and scale of the catering effort can make us feel very frazzled.
It is therefore a good idea to accept offers of help and assistance; hand out specific jobs, for example peeling vegetables or doing some pre-emptive washing up, to avoid being swamped by a host of bumbling, well-meaning guests who have no idea what is required. If you’re a tentative cook, ask other people for advice – guests will feel gratified if you defer to them or consult them.
If you cannot abide having other people in the kitchen when you’re busy, be gracious about it and don’t act the martyr.
6. Don’t Expect Perfection
You may well have your own notions about the perfect Christmas Day, but if you are marshalling a large, and probably disparate, group of people, they are likely to have their own ideas. You might have a scheme to play convivial family games on Christmas afternoon but find that everyone else has designs on the sofa and the big movie. If that is the case, accept it. Christmas is a communal celebration and families need to negotiate their own compromises. Being chivvied into activities that they don’t enjoy is a sure-fire way of creating bad feelings and tension.
7. Be Grateful for Gifts
We all fantasise about a perfect array of Christmas presents, but must accept that, more often than not, some will fall short of our expectations (unless you’re an excited child). However disappointed you are, you should be able to disguise your feelings of dismay and disappointment behind a mask of appreciation. When you are given a present, take your time; admire the wrapping, speculate about the contents of the package. Open it slowly and deliberately (children will of course tear open their presents in an unstoppable frenzy, which is inevitable). Whatever the package contains, exclaim over it, conscientiously thank the giver (who may well be anxiously looking on) and, if you can possibly think of a positive comment, make it.
You may already be planning to regift it or return it, but these considerations should be kept to yourself – it is important on Christmas Day to project a general air of positivity and gratitude.
8. Stay Upbeat and Positive
Christmas is a time to celebrate, so you must do your best to keep the conversation light and convivial. If possible, steer away from controversial topics, such as politics and religion, and recognise that now is not the time for family arguments or squabbles. If you are entertaining a guest from outside the family, be careful about letting the conversation get too inward-looking or family orientated, which will make them feel like outsiders. Family jokes, anecdotes and recollections are all part of the joy of Christmas, but you must be mindful of guests, and provide explanations and expositions. It is good to try and draw out guests by using conventional small talk techniques; questions should be gently probing, rather than directly interrogative, and you should try and elicit information by indirect means. Above all, be inclusive and do not let anyone feel overlooked, marginalised or excluded.
Don’t panic if the chatter is banal and food, TV and present-orientated – Christmas is a shared experience and it’s good to reinforce feelings of companionship and bonhomie.
9. Don’t be a Scrooge
If you have agreed to be a Christmas guest, you are under a moral obligation to embrace the Christmas spirit – no cynicism, no grumpiness, no sulking. If you are an irredeemable Scrooge, then don’t inflict yourself, or your negativity, on other people at Christmas time.
.So if you have accepted a Christmas invitation, even if it against your better judgment, plaster a warm smile on your face and keep soldiering on, whatever is thrown at you. You may not enjoy crackers, charades or singsongs and may prefer to snooze away the afternoon in front of the TV with a glass of whisky, but that is not your prerogative. You must grit your teeth and get on with it. This is one occasion where you simply can’t bow out, so remind yourself that it is only one day out of 365 and join in with good grace.
10. Remember, it’s not for Everyone
Christmas can appear to be an all-encompassing, smothering tide of saccharine celebration, which can feel like a terrible affront if you are going through hard times yourself, for example illness, bereavement, divorce. Or you might simply be one of those people who finds it difficult to comply with communal expectations to be joyful and convivial and cannot summon up any appetite for Christmas celebrations.
If you’re a fan of Christmas, or even just a person who takes it in their stride as a traditional part of the annual calendar, you must accept that not everyone will feel the same way. When you are confronted by someone who refuses to participate in the annual rite, for whatever reason, you really must accept that is their prerogative and not become a Christmas cheerleader, who frantically tries to enlist their participation in the festivities. Learn to listen to what people are actually saying, to empathise with what they might be feeling, and to accept that they are completely entitled to withdraw.
Kissing under the mistletoe is an integral part of Christmas celebrations, although it suffered something of a setback during the Covid pandemic when we were all nervous about keeping our distance. This is a venerable tradition, rooted in the pagan antecedents of Christmas, so it is likely to prove resilient and live on. We take a look at the ritual of the festive kiss, lay down some rules of mistletoe etiquette, and offer some hints about politely avoiding unwanted advances.
The Greeks and Romans revered mistletoe, which they believed could cure everything from spleen disorders to epilepsy. The plant’s tendency to blossom in the depths of winter gave it a special resonance for the Celtic Druids, who saw it as a sacred symbol of vigour, which they administered to humans and animals alike as a means of restoring fertility.
However, the earliest references to kissing under the mistletoe date to the 18th century. It soon became associated with lustful boys and bashful girls and was initially characterised as enjoyable horseplay for the servant classes. Early depictions of this ritual show the girls struggling to escape the boys’ clutches, so it is suggested that the mistletoe was wielded as a means of securing their compliance – perhaps because they believed that resisting would lead to bad luck.
When the American writer Washington Irving visited England and observed this tradition he described it in his Sketch Book. A minor English ritual was introduced to a large American audience, which was eager to embrace it as a symbol of festive cheer.
•Be considerate: If you are feeling a cold or sore throat coming on, don’t tough out the Christmas celebrations, and certainly don’t engage in close physical contact under the mistletoe. Make your excuses and go home.
•Make sure you pick a willing partner and that you won’t make them feel embarrassed or uncomfortable by asking for a kiss (and you should always ask first, no grabbing).
•If you’re indulging in under-the-mistletoe hugs at an office party, don’t get carried away with drink and over-enthusiasm. Grasping the boss in a drunken embrace will be an embarrassing memory the morning after – remember, no matter how convivial the event, office hierarchies still underpin everything.
• Decide in advance, are you going to proffer one kiss or two? Be cautious with strangers – two kisses may seem over the top, even in a festive environment.
• Maintain a discreet distance. If in doubt, don’t combine your kiss with a full hug, which will draw your target into your personal space. Lean forward and, if that feels too stand-offish, lightly rest your hands on the target’s shoulders or upper arms.
• It is customary to kiss the other person’s right cheek first (that’s the one to your left!). Deflect any “meet-in-the-middle” embarrassment with humour or a friendly apology.
•Remember, a social ‘kiss’ is just the briefest touch of your cheek against the other person’s. You can pucker your lips to suggest a kiss, but do not let them touch the other person’s check. Don’t kiss the air or make exaggerated “mwah, mwah” sound effects.
• Thank the other person and wish them a Merry Christmas.
Remember, it is traditionally considered bad luck to refuse a kiss under the mistletoe, but it is undoubtedly true that some people find the whole mistletoe ritual tacky, and fear it is a barely disguised excuse to grab unwilling targets and pull them into a close physical embrace. If you recoil at the prospect, the safest bet is to steer clear of the mistletoe and engage in animated conversation if you see an enthusiast lurching purposefully in your direction.
If that feels too antisocial – after all, a festive peck is all part of Christmas fun – you can clasp the other person’s shoulders as a way of keeping them at a distance, rather than drawing them in, and then briefly lunge for the region to the side of their ears. An off-kilter kiss is preferable to no kiss at all.
Our ancestors knew precisely what clothes were acceptable for each social occasion, and never deviated from these strict guidelines. Old certainties, traditions and customs are fast disappearing in the modern world, and the whole concept of dress codes is not immune to this process.
It is argued that, if invitations stipulate a dress code, it is helpful to guests, eliminating “what should I wear?” anxiety and giving them a clear indication of the nature of the event. But as the formal dress codes of yesteryear are gradually eroded and deconstructed, many people are finding that dress codes are a cause of acute anxiety, because they are vague or challenging, without being explicit or self-explanatory.
It is useful to briefly reiterate the guidance for the old-fashioned dress codes that you might encounter for social events at this time of year, which are proscriptive and time-honoured, before we turn to more confusing modern dress codes.
White Tie
This is the most formal event code, and the rarest, and is inevitably announced on an elaborate invitation several weeks before the event. Men should wear a black single-breasted tailcoat, with silk lapels, worn unbuttoned, with matching black trousers, with two lines of braid down the outside of the trouser legs. A white shirt is fastened with studs not buttons, with a detachable wing collar and a thin white bow tie. Women should wear a full-length evening dress or ball gown, with or without sleeves. Long gloves may be worn with sleeveless dresses.
Black Tie
For many people, this is the most formal dress code they will ever encounter. Men should wear a black, wool, single-breasted dinner jacket, with no vents, silk peaked lapels, or a shawl collar, and covered buttons. The black trousers are tapered with a single row of braid. It should be worn with a soft-collared white or cream shirt and a bow tie – avoid clip-on or ready-tied ties and learn how to tie your own. Women should wear an evening dress; knee length cocktail dresses are the most popular choice, though floor-length evening dresses can also be worn.
Lounge Suit
This misleadingly named dress code refers to business attire: for men, a dark or grey suit, collar and tie and formal, polished, black shoes. Women should wear a skirt or trouser suit or a dress and jacket, with mid-heel shoes. This dress code would be suitable for drinks after work or dinner in a restaurant.
Smart Casual
This is by far the most common of all dress codes. In essence, this is not business attire, so men should wear a jacket and quite possibly a tie, or an open-necked silk or patterned shirt, with chinos or tailored trousers. Women can opt for a dress, skirt or a pair of smart trousers, which may be paired with a jacket, but denim, even designer denim, is probably too casual. For evening parties, women may choose to dress up their look, with a more decorative cocktail-style dress, evening-stye trousers, statement jewellery and higher heels.
Smart casual is a bit of a ‘catch-all’ dress code, so it is best to think about the context before choosing your outfit. An invitation card to an evening event in the city indicates something both more formal and therefore smart and fashionable than an email asking you to celebrate a friend’s birthday in the country.
The general rule, with all these dress codes, is that it’s preferable to look over-, rather than under-dressed. An immaculate turn out is far more courteous to your host and nine times out of ten you will look better too.
As people begin to play around with the rigid formality of dress codes, new dilemmas are emerging. Some codes are reasonably self-explanatory, others are obscure diktats, which seem to demand an elusive, but desirable, quality (chic, glamour) or a certain kind of impact (“dress to impress”). These dress codes concentrate on evoking mood, projecting image and allure; lacking the definitive sartorial guidance of, for example, “black tie”, they may leave some people feeling anxious and inadequate, unsure that they will be able to conjure the effect their hosts desire. Playing with dress codes can be fun, but making your guests feel that they are not up to the dress code challenge is not very hospitable, so think through the implications carefully before you go down this road. In general, these dress codes fall into the following categories:
‘Relaxed’ black tie
This may be referred to as “bohemian black tie” or “creative black tie”, implying that a rigorous adherence to old-fashioned dress codes is not expected. So, a woman could opt for short or long dress (or tailored or palazzo style evening trousers), while a man might be able to take the basic building blocks of black tie and introduce some variations (eg a normal black tie instead of a bow tie), the addition of a glamorous waistcoat, or possibly a velvet smoking jacket instead of the standard black dinner jacket.
Cocktail attire
Other terms for this code include “smart frocks” or “party dress”. These codes release guests, especially men, from rigid strictures. They can discard dinner jackets and bow ties if they choose and opt for smart lounge suits, velvet jackets, Nehru jackets and so on. Women can choose whatever dress/trouser combination they feel will make them look chic and glamorous.
Fanciful codes
This is when the host’s imagination runs free, eg “razzle dazzle”, “denim and diamonds”, “velvet decadence”, “vintage glamour” and so on. You might be the sort of person who loves this kind of challenge and can confidently rise to it. If you’re a more discreet and laid-back person you can just acknowledge it with accessories (costume jewellery, velvet stole, vintage evening bag, feather boa, a glittering bow tie and so on). This will show that you’ve noted the dress code and have made a gesture towards complying.
Dress to impress
Imprecatory dress codes, such as “Simply fabulous”, “Dress to kill”, “Dress to Impress” may fill you with performance anxiety. But really the hosts are simply pleading with their guests to make an effort, and to dress up, rather than down, for the party. Whether you’ll impress or knock out the other guests with your outfit is an unpredictable and subjective business, but at least you’ll know that under-dressing is not an option.
The first weeks of December are amongst the most sociable of the year and you may well be the recipient of several invitations. The old saying about London buses – “you wait ages for one then three come at once” – comes to mind; you may feel you are living in a social desert in November, but then find yourself juggling a swathe of commitments in December.
When it comes to replying to invitations, remember these simple rules:
•Don’t prevaricate
Some people find it hard to commit themselves to anything well in advance, perhaps resisting the feeling that their life is mapped out and there is no room for spontaneity. Override these tendencies and reply promptly – your hesitation to commit will be causing hosts, who may well be crunching numbers and negotiating with caterers, inconvenience.
•Reply in writing
Depending on the formality of the invitation, ‘writing’ may well mean by text or email. The main thing is to send a reply in written form because that allows the host, who is having to administer the guest list, to retrieve your reply if needed.
•Don’t over-elaborate
Replies in the affirmative are straightforward. Refusing invitations is more complex. Very formal invitations have set forms of words, invariably expressed in the third person – “xxxxxxxx regrets she is unable to attend” – and there is no expectation that any excuse or reason will be given. (The only exception is if the invitation is from the King, in which case it is a command, not an invitation, and reasons for non-attendance should always be given – usually illness, as a prior engagement is not considered an adequate reason for non-attendance).
When you are refusing less formal invitations, don’t protest too much. It is quite acceptable to just state that you are unable to come: “Thank you very much for your invitation to drinks on the 15th. I’m very sorry, but I won’t be able to come/attend/join you.” This reply, which leans towards the more formal, is suitable for acquaintances or people you don’t know very well.
If you’re replying to someone you’re close to, they probably deserve a fuller, more tactful explanation. Don’t embroider the simple truth or go into tedious detail. Some simple replies might be:
“I’m so sorry I won’t be able to come next Friday, I’m afraid I’m already committed” (don’t specify “I’m going to another party”, which is needlessly explicit).
“I’m so sorry we can’t come to your party on Saturday – we’re going down to Cornwall on that day” (you’ve simply got another arrangement).
“Apologies, but we won’t be able to come to your Christmas drinks this year. Unfortunately, it clashes with parents’ evening at Joel’s school” (you’ve got to do something else, which is not a social event, but is an important priority).
•Don’t lie
If you’re accepting what you consider to be a more enticing invitation, and that is your real reason for refusing, then it is a bad idea to come up with a respectable sounding excuse, like “I’ve got to visit my mother in hospital” or “I’m taking the children to a Christmas show”. In this age of social media, when everyone is tracking other people and gossiping about them online, you may very well be found out, and the rejected host will feel justifiably annoyed. Just opt for the bland “I’m already committed” excuse and you will be exonerated. – everyone understands that, when invitations come thick and fast, some people will have already accepted another invitation.
•Don’t change your mind
This is a big no no. If you have previously refused an invitation and then ‘magically’ discover that you’re available (or have, in fact, changed your mind about going to the event), telling your hosts that you are now deigning to attend may have an undesirable effect. They would be forgiven for guessing that a better offer has evaporated, making you willing to accept second best, and may well feel insulted. Of course, there will be unforeseeable circumstances that do make it acceptable to change your mind about a previously rejected invitation but, if that is the case, you will need to offer a full and honest explanation.
If you have previously accepted an invitation and then get what you perceive to be a better offer, resulting in a late “I can’t come after all” message, you are committing a serious social blunder. Withdrawing an acceptance is seen as bad form and is likely to leave your hosts feeling badly used – especially if word gets out about your alternative arrangement.
•Think carefully before you reply
Because changing your mind is bad form and might upset your hosts, it is important to consider a number of factors before accepting or refusing an invitation. Are you free? Could you be free if you rearrange something less important? Would accepting the invitation mean letting someone down? Would declining the invitation cause upset?
•Consider your stamina
It’s easy to overdo the socialising at this time of year, and it’s important to pace yourself. Accepting invitations for several consecutive nights might seem like a daunting prospect when it’s nearer the date and you’re beginning to suffer from social exhaustion. When you receive an invitation it’s a good idea to look at your social diary and just think for a moment about how practical your plans really are. If you take on too much, you might arrive at Christmas itself in flagging and depleted spirits.
•Don’t make the host do all the work
It’s hard enough organising a party, let alone having to spend time before the event chasing up rogue invitees, who have not sent RSVPs and are resolutely elusive. You should be aware that this behaviour does not confirm how extremely popular and in demand you are, it is just extremely rude. Don’t put a host in this position, which can feel humiliating; make up your mind and reply promptly.
•Be discreet
It is sometimes the case that hosts have been discriminating about guest lists, or opted for a small gathering which has meant leaving out some people in your social circle. The safest policy, when you receive an invitation, is not to announce it to all and sundry as you may well be alerting people who have not been invited to their social exclusion. If you know the host well, the easiest thing is just to ask if xxxxxx will be coming (and make no comment if they haven’t been invited). Alternatively, you can just keep schtum and enjoy being surprised on the night.
December is a time for socialising and whiling away the long, dark winter nights with companionship and conversation. Because it’s party season, it’s also a time of the year when your small talk skills come to the fore. You’ll probably meet new people, or barely remembered acquaintances over the next few weeks and you’ll get so much more out of the experience if you are able to connect with them and find common ground over a glass of wine and a canapé; a successful small talk exchange may well be a springboard to a deeper relationship, whether it is business or social.
Some people dismiss small talk as banal and mundane. It is true that you will never plumb deep philosophical depths while exchanging small talk, but it is also important to recognise this kind of conversation as an important bridge between introductions and deeper acquaintanceship. Even the most trivial small talk will tell you a lot about the people you meet: you might find that you establish common ground easily, that you are charmed, intrigued or amused by your interlocutor; alternatively, you might find the whole exchange awkward and prickly and feel sure that you don’t want to take the relationship any further.
Small talk is best when it flows smoothly. This means that everyone involved should both talk and listen; they should also resist the temptation to fire off a series of questions at their target, which will make the whole exchange feel more like an interrogation that a conversation.
Mutual observations are a good place to start and for centuries the British have fallen back on the topic of the weather. It might seem like a clichéd subject for consideration, but most people will enjoy an animated conversation about cold snaps, heatwaves, torrential downpours and howling winds. While British weather, compared to many parts of the world, is moderate and temperate, it is also changeable and unpredictable, which provides fruitful topics for discussion. Talking about the weather is an excellent icebreaker.
Making comments on the party venue, the décor, the catering, the music, the location is another way of relating to the people you’ve just met. If your conversational partner is responsive, this kind of chat can create a bond over the shared experience of being at the party.
Without turning into an interrogator, it is quite permissible to ask a couple of non-controversial questions, of the “how do you know the host?” or “did you come far?” category. Tracing networks of connection and friendship often leads into more interesting revelations – eg about work status, or family, which can help to spark off a deeper conversation. Inquiring about journeys and routes can also lead to more fruitful information – you might find, for example, that your conversational partner lives near you, or lives somewhere that you know well, and the conversation will naturally flow.
All of these topics are gentle and non-intrusive. Through subtle and tentative probing, you will seek out shared interests and find a place where conversation thrives.
While it is true that questions like “What do you do?”, “Do you have children?”, “Are you married?” are effective ways of extracting personal information from fellow partygoers, they are generally considered too blunt and intrusive in British society. Finding this information out through gentle probing and circumlocutory approaches is seen as a more sophisticated and subtle option. Conversation can become a gentle dance, where indirect inquiries are acknowledged by answers that communicate more than has been asked, leading to a gradual process of discovery.
If you do find it easier to fall back on asking questions, make sure they are open-ended (which stimulates conversation) rather than closed (which shuts it down). A closed question, such as “Have you lived here long?” demands a brief and factual reply, which might end up being a conversational cul-de-sac. Open questions encourage a more reflective and subjective answer: “What do you think of the new arts centre?”.
If you’re driven to asking blunt questions, remember they will sound better if you give away a little information yourself at the same time: “Are you a lawyer like everybody else here? I’m a teacher so I stand out like a sore thumb!”; “We need to leave quite soon, or our babysitter will be in a bad mood. Do you have children?”
You might find that, whatever technique you deploy, you are met with monosyllabic replies. Some people are resistant to small talk and refuse to answer simple questions. This can be seen as rude and obstructive, but they may simply be chronically shy or socially awkward. If you are confronted by a conversational non-starter, the only solution, apart from rapidly exiting from the encounter, is to take over the reins of communication – you can tell anecdotes, or even monologue (though preferably about a subject of general interest) if you’re desperate. If you’ve done your best to engage, nobody can blame you for taking over and becoming dominant.
Small talk is all about finding common ground and it is also about context. That means you will need to read the room and assess whether the guests are distinguished by an identifiable interest or passion (eg sports, politics, religion). If you are at an event organised by a local political party, for example, then you can be confident that you are mixing with members of your political ‘tribe’, which means that politics is a suitable topic for conversation. At most social events, however, which are attended by a range of people of all types of belief and political persuasion, it is safest to avoid potentially contentious or challenging topics like politics and religion until you are confident that you know people well enough to enjoy a robust exchange of views.
Keep your small talk positive. You might think it’s bonding to bitch with new acquaintances about the party venue or the food choices, but in reality, you’ll come across as graceless and hyper-critical. If you immediately start exchanging gossip (about the host, fellow guests or mutual acquaintances for example), your companions might be avid for your revelations, but at the same time they will be extremely wary of your lack of discretion. It is much safer, on first meeting, to play it safe and concentrate on being upbeat and enthusiastic.
Christmas is fast approaching, and you may well be sticking your head in the sand, refusing to sort out Christmas arrangements, make plans, agree spending limits, or extend invitations. While it’s tempting to just assume you’ll be able to improvise and make it up as you go along, Christmas is a challenging time socially, with many contending demands on your time. You will need to prioritise children and elderly relations, ensure that nobody feels left out, make time for friends and parties, as well as organising presents and food. If you don’t make plans and confront Christmas quandaries now, you might find that the whole festive season turns sour.
So now is the time to bite the bullet and think about the following:
While some of us are lucky enough to have uncontroversial families and straightforward plans for the big day, many of us are having to juggle complex priorities. We might be divorced and therefore forced to negotiate access to our children, we might have elderly parents, or we might be dealing with illness or bereavement.
All these factors can make Christmas fraught, but you will relieve your own stress, as well as the anxieties of all the people that are potentially involved, if you confront the situation now, talk to friends and relations, explain dilemmas, or express willingness to accommodate and be flexible. Sometimes Christmas arrangements involve considerable tact and diplomacy; careafully listening to other people and encouraging them to tell you what they really want is always a good start.
If you feel that you might be letting someone down or disappointing them by not extending a Christmas invitation, don’t procrastinate any further. Make a phone call or write a carefully worded email that explains your position or your difficulties. Forewarned is forearmed, and any potential guests that might find themselves disappointed will at least have time to think about alternative plans.
By locking down your arrangements for the big day, you can begin to think about other important issues.
Many of us find the gift-giving aspect of Christmas especially perilous, and tie ourselves up into knots of indecision, or throw too much money at the problem in a state of last-minute panic.
Now is the time to have honest discussions with friends and relations about the whole gift-giving dilemma. You might find that older relations are happy to arrange a gift-giving amnesty and concentrate their firepower on younger family members. Or you might be able to negotiate a mutually agreed price ceiling for family gifts, or even opt for a Secret Santa arrangement.
If you’re really beginning to feel agitated and uninspired, you can always solicit ideas from your family and honestly explain that you’re out of ideas and in need of assistance. But if you do decide to go down this route don’t turn the tables on the poor recipient, and torment them with requests for ideas for presents. If you ask and receive an immediate and decisive response, that is helpful; if you don’t, no amount of nagging and pleading is going to solve your problem and it will just make everybody feel grumpy.
Don’t leave present shopping until the last minute, which is when disastrous decisions are made. The magic of giving is inevitably somewhat tarnished by the experience of panic buying on Christmas Eve, so make it a bit easier for yourself by starting the whole process well before Christmas.
Remember, it’s always a good idea to equip yourself with contingency presents, just in case you’re nonplussed by an unexpected gift. A supply of soaps, chocolates, liqueurs etc, will be useful in case of emergencies.
Christmas is party season, and you may well find that there are many demands on your time as you approach the holiday. If you want to host your own party or social gathering, you really need to consolidate arrangements as soon as possible, or you will find yourself disappointed by the numbers of people who are already committed elsewhere.
Make sure you don’t over-commit yourself in the run-up to the big day. A week of protracted pre-Christmas partying can sap you of much-needed energy and enthusiasm, especially if you’re hosting. Sit down well before Christmas and make a note of really important dates (eg the children’s nativity play, the school carol concert, the office party, drinks with the neighbours) and structure socialising around these important milestones.
Once you’ve worked out the shape of your Christmas celebrations, you’ll have a good idea about the numbers of meals, and guests, that you are going to have to organise. It is sensible to think about what you are going to serve at each meal, and how much drink you will need to purchase. For hosts, Christmas can be a stressful time with lots of different events to manage, so it is best to go down the tried and tested route when it comes to home cooking. It’s not the ideal time to experiment with challenging new recipes, and it’s a good idea to prioritise meals that are comparatively simple, or can be substantially prepared in advance, so that you are released from the kitchen and can really engage with your family and guests.
Nobody is going to enjoy spending Christmas with you if you become a hosting martyr, who makes a big production number out of food preparation, refuses offers of help and resorts to passive-aggressive plate-clattering and theatrical sighs.
The whole season will go much better if you’re relaxed and flexible. Being organised and making plans is not about imposing structure and treating the whole event like a military exercise, rather than the hospitality highlight of the year. Planning for every contingency is important because it will give you a secure foundation, allowing you to accommodate sudden changes of plans (cancellation, unexpected guests, illness) with ease and good humour, which is the key to a successful Christmas.
The march of self-service checkouts in our stores continues apace, with the exception of Booths, a northern supermarket chain which announced last week that it was removing the machines from all but two of its stores.
Elsewhere, shoppers are promised greater speed and efficiency, and supermarket bosses reassure us that former checkout staff will be deployed throughout the store, patrolling the aisles and available to offer a helping hand to harassed customers. But it is now a perfectly normal experience to go to a supermarket and not to have any contact with the staff; self-checkouts have eradicated the all-important social interaction provided by friendly cashiers.
We’re told that for some lonely people, a brief exchange about the weather, weekend plans, exotic foodstuffs, rising prices and so on is the only social contact that they enjoy all week. Even for those of us who are lucky enough to have busy, sociable lives, a brief conversational exchange with a stranger will provide a boost to our spirits. It is positive, reassuring and, above all, it is polite. It might persuade you to crack a smile, to pause for a moment as you frantically bag up your goods; it will make you feel like an agreeable human being, rather than a frazzled automaton.
We all bemoan the drawbacks of self-checkouts: the “unexpected object in the bagging area”, the scales that don’t work, the codes that won’t scan, the alcohol and paracetamol that must be verified by a sales assistant. Frequently, we end up calling for assistance more than once during the whole experience. Older people, in particular, are confused and flustered by the technology; many of them find it a daunting challenge and bemoan the lack of helpful checkout staff.
But when we do finally summon a real human being, the interaction is inevitably utilitarian. We are annoyed because our check-out process has been stalled, and if we’re stressed or under time pressure, we might be rude and peremptory. The assistant has been called over to perform a specific function, not to engage in an enjoyable chat, and the encounter has zero social value.
It must be trying for the shop assistants too, who find their encounters with customers being reduced to snappy, irritable exchanges over an obstinately malfunctioning scanner. It is surely a much more attractive prospect to sit at a till, helpfully performing a function for shoppers, looking them in the eye, exchanging greetings and pleasantries.
Supermarkets all over Britain are reporting an alarming rise in shoplifting. While austerity is an obvious explanation, some storeowners are beginning to recognise that the de-humanising experience of the self-checkout, the glitches, the confusion, the lack of supervision, all make shoplifting considerably easier. Aggrieved and frustrated shoppers who can’t make a scanner work are increasingly likely to sidestep the whole scanning exercise and feelings of guilt will be considerably assuaged by the fact that they have not had a single interaction with a human being since entering the store.
Earlier this year rail companies proposed to remove manned ticket offices from most stations, unleashed a public outcry and were forced to reverse the policy. Many older passengers argued that they would find an entirely automated ticket transaction extremely challenging, while passengers with additional needs or those who were contemplating complex journeys contested the decision because they felt that helpful and sympathetic station staff were uniquely able to navigate and interpret the complexities of the system and find a pragmatic solution.
As with supermarkets, the proposal also carried a hidden cost, in that it deprived rail-users of an agreeable social encounter. Regular travellers, nervous passengers, older rail users who find travelling stressful, all confirmed that a friendly human interaction with a ticket-office clerk was an effective way of assuaging their anxiety and made the whole journey much more civilised and palatable. When it comes to reassuring interactions, listening skills and empathy, human beings trump machines every time.
In the past, running errands – such as going to the shops, the library, the bank, or purchasing a ticket from the local railway station – might have been slow, and was possibly inefficient, but above all it was a sociable experience. Greetings were exchanged with serving staff, small talk sometimes ensued, and a feeling of belonging to a human community was reinforced. We are beginning to lose access to these mundane social contacts and that loss comes at a price, reinforcing feelings of isolation and loneliness.
It’s party season and now is the time to brush up your social skills. The ability to make smooth and courteous introductions will help ensure that parties go with a swing. If you are a host, introducing your guests to each other is a good way of launching them into the social maelstrom. If you are already in a conversational group and are joined by a friend or acquaintance, introducing them to everyone else will ensure that they feel fully embraced and are not left to loiter, unacknowledged, on the periphery. Finally, if you’re working the room and boldly approaching strangers, then you will certainly need to introduce yourself, which is a perfect icebreaker.
In days gone by, when people moved in smaller social circles, it was considered almost rude to make introductions (although at formal occasions names would be announced), as it could imply a person was an outsider if they did not already know the other guests. This is no longer the case, and it is now more polite to over-introduce than to assume people know one another.
As the person making the introduction you should make sure you have the attention of both parties, but avoid steering them physically, for example with a hand on the shoulder. Wait for an appropriate moment and do not interrupt the conversation or force the person you wish to introduce on to the person you would like them to meet.
It was traditional to signal precedence and respect by the name that was said first (the person addressed in the introduction) and courtesy gave honour to those who were female, older or more distinguished.
Thus, men should be introduced to women: “Charlotte, may I introduce John Cavendish? John, this is Charlotte Berkeley”. In the same way, younger people are introduced to their elders or junior employees to more senior people, such as directors (“Mr Goodman, may I introduce our new research team member, Tommy Dorsey?”). Husbands and wives should be introduced separately by name (“Richard and Kate Mortimer”), not as “the Mortimers”.
If you suspect that people are likely to have met before, you may want to say: “Charlotte, I am sure you know John Cavendish?”.
You may wish then to add a short explanation or provide some information: “John is a wine expert”, or “Charles has just moved back to London from Dubai”. You might even be able to find a little nugget of common ground – “I know you are both tennis fans” – which might act as a launchpad for a conversation.
Traditionally, it was considered helpful to give both first name and last name, as it provides more information, which is the object of the exercise. In more informal situations, you might decide to dispense with surnames, and it is quite acceptable to do so.
Bear in mind that introductions should help people to decide what mode of address to use. If you know someone very well, and use a nickname, it is more helpful to introduce your friend by the name the other person may be expected to use.
If you’re in a group and are approached by an individual you know, you should introduce them to the group first, and then the group to the individual. For example: “Clare, this is James, Daniel and Anna. Everyone, this is Clare. You can gesture, or nod, towards the relevant person to add clarity. Unless the occasion is formal there’s no need to mention surnames, and with long lists of names it can become too cumbersome (and forgettable).
In a more formal context, you may also use titles such as “Lord” or “Professor” or you might be making introductions to an older person, who is not accustomed to the less formal manners we all use today and prefers you to use “Mr” or “Mrs”. You will have to utilise your social antennae when these occasions rise, but it is probably best to err on the side of formality – they can always, after a formal introduction, say “Please call me Jane/James”.
The person you are introducing should not have to guess that the other is, for example, a doctor or a lord, or even someone who would rather be called “Mr” or “Mrs”. It is considerate for the person making the introduction to provide information that may avert future embarrassment.
Introducing yourself when you do not know anyone is perfectly acceptable and is often the most practical solution in a purely social setting, especially when other people are remiss about making introductions. If you do need to introduce yourself step forward with a smile and say: “May I introduce myself? I am Emily Duckworth.” The person addressed should respond by stating their name “Oliver Liddell” Or “Hello” followed by the name. Speaking clearly is polite, as it is maddening for people to have to ask you to repeat yourself.
According to formal tradition, introductions are usually followed by a handshake and the words: “How do you do?” to which the response is: “How do you do?” Never assume that “How do you do?” means “How are you?”. It is merely a greeting, not a question.
In more informal settings, and amongst younger people, it is more usual to say “Hello” or “Hi”. Handshakes may be dispensed with altogether, or a kiss (or double kiss) may be proffered. If this is the case, don’t look taken aback. Usually, your right cheek is offered first and you should briefly touch cheeks. You will need to read the body language of the person who is greeting you to establish if you are being offered a double kiss. Greeting customs are very fluid, so remain poised to comply.
If you find yourself in a social pickle, tied up in knots about precedence and seniority, don’t bow out of the introduction ritual altogether. It is better to make an introduction than not, even if you’ve transgressed one of the traditional rules of social etiquette. At least you’ll be attaching names to faces and most people will appreciate that and rise graciously above a mangled introduction.
