Christmas adverts have become a cultural phenomenon. Launched in November, they herald the beginning of the festive season and are watched intently for the messages they send, ranging from an assertion of the ‘traditional’ seasonal values to much more iconoclastic offerings, which boldly affirm that Christmas is a time to throw out the rule book and make new traditions, as long as they reflect family values, empathy and kindness.
It seems that, every year, we are increasingly tying ourselves in knots over a single day in the calendar. Advertisers are predicted to spend a record £9.5 billion this year and we are bombarded in the weeks running up to the big day with propaganda about the perfect Christmas.
Perhaps now, before the madness has been fully unleashed, is the time to ponder the ingredients that make Christmas work for you and your family. There is certainly no one template for an ideal Christmas, and every family has evolved their own set of customs and traditions. They may have their own day when they deem it is correct to put up the Christmas tree (or eschew it altogether), and many families will disinter an eclectic range of decorations which are rooted their own history (old fashioned baubles handed down by their parents, kids’ school projects etc).
The big day itself is a gigantic free-for-all. Everybody has their own opinion about when is the right time to open presents, whether the day should include a walk, what time the big meal should be served, what food should be eaten. There is no right or wrong way of conducting the Christmas festivities and, in general, what has worked in the past is enshrined into the ritual and becomes an immoveable aspect of the big day.
These traditions are precious and should be robustly defended; do what works best for you and your family and never let the cacophony of Christmas chatter make you feel that your own celebrations are in some way inadequate.
Bear in mind, however, that every family Christmas is unique and if you are having guests over the festive period, they may well find some of your choices eccentric or puzzling. This is no reason to abandon tried and tested traditions, but it is always a good idea to concede that other people might do things differently. Explain to your guests why you have evolved certain customs (eg “we always open presents before breakfast – the children were too impatient to wait when they were really young and so it just became part of the day”). Guests are much more likely to feel comfortable in. your home if they understand why you do things a certain way, and may feel aggrieved if you just dig in and announce “this is how we celebrate Christmas”, which may well make them feel alienated.
If it’s your tradition to deviate radically from Christmas clichés (tree, presents, turkey etc), it’s a good idea to warn guests and thereby avoid any potential dismay or disappointment. Just mention your own peculiar traditions when you’re proffering the invitation (“we don’t give presents and we just spend the day playing cards, sipping champagne and eating smoked salmon”). It’s much better if people know exactly what to expect.
As we’re repeatedly told, Christmas is all about family, and our traditions reflect this. But it is also a time to open your doors and be hospitable, to welcome guests into your home and to ensure that nobody feels ignored or overlooked.
Mobile etiquette has come a long way and it's time to take a look at the new rules.
A century ago, lucky householders in possession of a phone gave it pride of place in the hall or study. Everyone leapt when they heard its imperious and insistent ringing. On picking up the phone, they clearly enunciated their own telephone number (to avoid mix-ups with the exchange) or crisply uttered their own name with military precision. Not answering the phone was seen as deeply eccentric and everybody learn to jump to its strident summons.
How much the world has changed. We carry phones around in our pockets, which are capable of feats of super-computing and double as sophisticated cameras, but we’ve become increasingly wary of what was once considered to be their primary function. Answering the phone is now entirely a matter of choice and much of the time is considered beyond the pale. Communication occurs through messaging, social media, emails, voice notes. In general, people seem to be much happier using less direct methods. But we are still faced with a social conundrum: if everyone carries the means of communication in their pocket, why are they so elusive and unreachable?
•It is increasingly the norm to text before you call and ask the recipient if they’re free to answer your call imminently or arrange a time to speak. This preamble might seem cumbersome to traditional phone addicts who love nothing more than spontaneously picking up the phone, but it is considered a much less stressful way of initiating contact, since it minimises intrusion and enables people to manage their own time.
•Don’t expect unannounced social calls to mobiles to be answered, unless you are calling someone from an older generation who still possesses vestiges of the old obedience to the phone’s clarion call. Many people make calls (inevitably unanswered) as a simple and convenient way of ensuring that there is a “missed call” notification on the recipient’s screen. This might elicit a response, but a text is a politer and more informative option. Business calls are a different matter and are likely to be answered with much more willingness and alacrity.
•Don’t repeatedly redial an unanswered phone, leaving a string of missed call notifications. This is liable to raise your recipient’s blood pressure and, unless there is a real emergency – in which case it would be sensible to send a text – it is an unjustified intrusion, likely to alienate the recipient.
•If you do make a call that is unanswered, send a brief, explanatory text. Many phone-users find voice mails and voice notes onerous (though of course this is a matter of taste). But, in general, the insistence these days is on pithy, economical communications and rambling voice messages, which are often only semi-audible and frequently incoherent, can cause a great deal of frustration.
•Always bear in mind that some people may find your call alarming. Because calls are becoming less common, people are more likely to react to them with panic or dread. If, for example, you see a call flashing up on your phone from your child’s school you instantly leap to the conclusion that there has been an accident. For this reason, callers (from schools, doctors, workplaces etc) have learnt that they may need to utter reassuring words before their greeting (“there’s nothing to worry about”). Alternatively, they can always text ahead.
•People may not be happy to receive your call. If you’re an old-fashioned phone-user who doesn’t think twice about calling out of the blue, accept that you might be met by a response that is flustered, irritated or exasperated. People who don’t like being called will make it perfectly clear to you, saying “I can’t talk right now” or “This is a really bad time to talk”. It’s best at this point to admit defeat and withdraw.
•Be tolerant of older people’s phone habits. As mentioned, they are more likely to make un-announced calls, and if they fail to reach you, they may well leave a voicemail, simply because they find texting (which involves reading glasses and deft fingers) hard work. Think for just a moment about how much technology has changed in their lifetimes and cut them some slack.
•Beware multitasking and concentrate on the call. On the occasions when you decide to talk on the phone (presumably at a time that has been arranged and agreed by text), concentrate on the call. We carry our phones everywhere and think nothing of making calls when we’re on crowded transport, walking down noisy streets, doing the washing up, cooking the children’s tea. Not only are these calls often annoyingly inaudible, it is also perfectly obvious that you are making them while doing something else. This can be very alienating for the recipient, who feels marginalised and deprioritised. If you’re going to talk to somebody, find a non-distracting environment and concentrate on the call.
•Keep phone calls to yourself. If you’re making a video call in a public space (or if you’re just too lazy to hold the phone up to your ear) you must use headphones or earbuds. Nobody should be forced to listen to your phone conversation; it will be annoyingly distracting and might be intrusive or embarrassing. The person at the other end might object if they realise their conversation is audible to a train carriage full of unwilling eavesdroppers.
•Accept that, despite the growing tendency to favour text contact over phone conversations, there are some instances where the human voice must take priority. It is fine to send an effusive thank-you note by text, but a message of condolence will be much more appreciated if you pick up the phone and allow your voice to transmit sympathy. In general, texts are an admirably economical way of communicating, but they are not good when it comes to nuance, so if you want to convey subtle emotions or deal with a tricky situation where there is a risk of misinterpretation, it is much better to cut through the protective veil of text messaging and allow your own voice to do the talking.
The proposal has been accepted and it’s time to put a ring on the bride-to-be’s finger. The engagement rings is laden with symbolism. It announces a forthcoming marriage to the world, is a substantial love token and above all it symbolises commitment. It is a conventional feature of becoming engaged, but it is not ‘compulsory’, and some brides choose to eschew them altogether.
There is a tradition that the ring, which represents a substantial investment, should cost the equivalent of 2-3 months of the groom’s salary, but there is no obligation whatsoever to adhere to this expectation. The cost of the ring should of course be commensurate with the groom’s budget and ability to pay; it would be an extremely ominous sign to enter a marriage with substantial debts because of an over-extravagant engagement ring. No bride-to-be should assess her engagement ring on the basis of its bling factor or feel that a more modest purchase in some way signals that she is being undervalued. Buying an engagement ring is just the first in an accelerating list of purchases and expenses that accompany a marriage, and inevitably grooms will need to make their books balance. If cash is tight, some couples opt for a modest engagement ring, with the understanding that they may upgrade it later or add a subsequent purchase of a classy eternity ring at a later date.
The romantic cliché, much reinforced by movies, is that the future groom approaches his proposal well-prepared, with a ring box secreted in his pocket. Some men will choose to go down this route, but they should only do so if they are confident that they understand their partner’s taste and, preferably, know her ring size. They can, of course, enlist help and advice with both these questions – perhaps by confiding in her best friend, mother or sister – and this would undoubtedly make them more secure and confident in their choice.
It is increasingly common for couples to choose the ring together and, while this route lacks the romantic element of surprise, it is a safe option. It is very important before making the selection that the budget is openly discussed – the ring should be the very best that the bridegroom can afford, and the bride must accept his own estimate of his upper payment limit without questioning it.
Some grooms are lucky enough to have an heirloom ring, perhaps from a grandmother, aunt or mother. If this is the case, they should not assume that this treasured ring will be the ideal option (the choice of a ring is a very individual matter) and should always offer to have the ring adapted or re-set. By offering an heirloom ring the groom is welcoming his partner into his own family, and the ring (even if it is much altered) symbolises family continuity.
Use trusted and recommended jewellers where possible. A large diamond is not necessarily more valuable than a smaller, well cut, flawless stone, and a discreet ring may be more suited to everyday wear.
The bride should try on and experiment with different styles and shapes of stones and settings. It is best to try them alongside a wedding band to get a true feel for how the ring will eventually settle on the finger.
Diamonds are the traditional choice, but other stones, such as sapphires and rubies, may also be chosen or used as side-settings. Popular metals for engagement rings are white gold, gold and platinum, which is the most hardwearing. The metal of the wedding band should be the same as the engagement ring, both to ensure that they match and to avoid a harder metal rubbing away at a softer metal.
If the groom chooses the ring, there is always the danger that the bride will be disappointed. If your first reaction on seeing an engagement ring is disappointment or dismay, conceal those emotions. Give it time and see if the ring grows on you (many jewellers offer a 30-day return period). Your first reaction might have been because the actual ring falls far short of your fantasy ring, but a sense of reality and an acknowledgment that this ring has been painstakingly chosen for you, might reconcile you to it. Seeing it in different lights, and noticing when it catches the light and sparkles, might go some way towards persuading you.
If the doubts are still uppermost, don’t upload triumphant engagement pictures, featuring the offending ring, on social media. If you do decide to change the ring, you might find yourself having to explain the whole saga to your nearest and dearest, and it could well be humiliating for your partner to find that everybody knows about his mis-fired first choice.
Test the ring out on somebody whose judgement you trust and solicit an honest opinion. Do not canvas the opinion of your entire social circle; it will become a hurtful talking point and will make your partner feel bad.
If you’ve decided you really don’t like the ring, grasp the nettle as soon as possible. Start by finding positive things to say about the ring (stone, setting, metal) and reiterate how much you appreciate the care and attention that your partner has shown. Then gently explain that you don’t think the ring is right for you; it will be much easier if you can find reasons to do with yourself, eg your taste is more contemporary than his choice, or you tend to like understated clothes and jewellery and the ring is too big and bold. You can even explain that the ring doesn’t really suit the length of your fingers, or the shape of your hand. Never repudiate or challenge his taste.
Finish by acknowledging that the ring has been a big investment, which you will be wearing for a lifetime, and remind him that it is obviously extremely important for both of you to get it right.
If the marriage is not destined to last, bear in mind that the engagement ring is considered an outright present given to the woman on condition of marriage, and having met that condition, she is entitled to keep it even after the marriage’s dissolution. If the ring is a precious heirloom, handed down to the bridegroom, its return is entirely at the woman’s discretion.
The revelations that are being unearthed by the Covid enquiry are causing shock and consternation, and many people have been appalled by the sheer obscenity and outrageous rudeness of messages sent between colleagues. We all have notions about how the people who govern our country should behave and earn our respect. They are in positions of power and authority and as a result we feel that they should adhere to a high standard of behaviour, demonstrating their leadership in the way they conduct themselves and showing calm, civility and decorum in all their dealings with colleagues, advisers and members of the public. Above all, we have been disconcerted by their lack of professionalism.
The Collins dictionary defines professionalism as “a combination of skill and high standards.” The latter quality should govern how individuals conduct themselves in the workplace: they should be able to understand what is appropriate behaviour in the workplace and should strive to be courteous in all their professional dealings.
The general assumption is that workplace communications should be polite and temperate. Undoubtedly some workplaces may foster a robust and challenging environment, where ideas are freely discussed and interrogated, and employees in these environments may feel that their ability to withstand close scrutiny is a prerequisite. Even so, a knockabout atmosphere is generally verbal, and it would be an egregious error, in most workplaces, to translate that sort of discourse into written communications.
It is a mistake to be bamboozled by the ease and convenience of WhatsApp and email, and to slip into an extremely casual, and even grossly insulting, style of communication. Obscenity-laden messages are scarcely representative of the calm, unruffled demeanour that we seek in people who are tasked with challenging jobs, especially in times of crisis. Abbreviated text language, littered with slang and grammatical errors, carries very little authority. Most importantly of all, written communications are retrievable, and – as witnesses in the Covid enquiry can confirm – casual chats on, for example, WhatsApp can be disinterred and pored over in minute, and excruciatingly forensic, detail by judges, lawyers, chairmen of internal enquiries, human resources managers and so on.
Whatever happened to professionalism? This is the notion that we have an “off-duty” persona and a professional persona. At work, no matter how friendly, congenial and convivial the office may be, we are in professional mode. That means being circumspect and self-aware. You must ensure that you present a polished façade to the world and be very careful not to show any chinks in your armour. If you are beset by domestic problems, the expectation is that you will conceal your difficulties, and if that proves impossible, you should speak about them, in confidence, to your manager or the human resources department.
Be cautious about confiding in colleagues and don’t let your guard down and reveal your darkest secrets (a real risk at office parties, where drink can unleash some febrile emotions). This does not mean that you should be cool, or unfriendly, or resistant to social advances. You should be as friendly and accommodating as possible, but always be aware that you are operating in a professional sphere, and that your actions may have consequences. If you aspire to do a job as well as you possibly can, are eager to take responsibility for all your actions and learn from your mistakes, display a strong work ethic and are respectful to managers and colleagues, you are achieving a high level of professionalism.
Individual workplaces will have different levels of formality and rigidity about codes of conduct, and it is important that you do your best to acknowledge the prevailing culture and fit in with it as far as possible. But you should also adhere to your own notions of what is right and appropriate: if you work in an office where the atmosphere is rowdy and boisterous, there is a boozy drinking culture, and insulting and obscene language is the order of the day, think carefully before you throw caution to the winds and join in. Of course, you do not want to feel like a disapproving party pooper, but there is every chance that the Rabelaisian scenes that you witness daily are not going to last forever: generally once office culture goes down this path, the chaotic antics escalate, failures and faults multiply, relationships break down and eventually, the whole shambles is called to order (which frequently involves inquiries, redundancies, restructuring and so on).
If you find yourself at the receiving end of unprofessional behaviour, in particular offensive, belittling, or crude written communications (which are tangible and irrefutable evidence), don’t suffer in silence. Speak to a human resources manager; you may well find that have been subjected to bullying and harassment, which is unlawful under the Equality Act of 2010. A poisonous workplace culture will become absolutely entrenched unless individuals are prepared to call it out.
Take some pride in your professional demeanour: try to be calm and collected at all times, resist flying off the handle and displaying strong emotions, which make you look as if you’ve lost control, moderate your language, and think carefully about the content and tone of your written communications. If you undertake the job in hand, whatever it may be, with all these traits uppermost, you will earn the respect and admiration of your colleagues.
Tact is the skill of handling a delicate situation and emerging with everyone still smiling. It is the ability to steer the staunch socialist away from the right-wig reactionary without either of them even knowing the other one was there. Those of us who come back from every party wracked with guilt about what we said or did long to possess tact.
The ability to do or say the right thing, however delicate or challenging the situation, is rooted in a well-developed sense of empathy, the ability to understand how other people are feeling. This means that you are alert to every scenario, able to rapidly assess possible pitfalls or awkwardness and have the skill to smoothly steer away the conversation from the danger zone. If embarrassing or awkward questions must be confronted, you will be able to do so in the most tactful way possible, ensuring that you minimise upset or distress.
Tact, or the lack of it, is threaded through our every encounter. If you are interacting with friends or colleagues who you know well, then you should be aware of their circumstances, preoccupations and vulnerabilities, and therefore able to calibrate the possible impact of what you say or do. It could, for example, be a case of resisting the temptation to bang on about your promotion to your unemployed friend, remembering not to moan about the service in your luxurious holiday hotel to the colleague who hasn’t had a holiday all year, or steering the conversation away from anecdotes about much-loved pets because you’re aware that one of your friends’ dogs has just died.
A tactful person is adept at weighing up the benefits and downsides of blurting out the truth and may well decide that a discreet silence or swift change of subject is the better option. If somebody is telling you about how much they are looking forward to the holiday they’ve booked in a place you really didn’t like, the tactful option is to say nothing, or maybe to gently steer them to the better end of town, the least crowded beach, the acceptable restaurant. The booking has already been made and what is the possible benefit of clouding their sense of excitement and anticipation with you own gloomy prognostications?
Indeed, it is often the case that your opinion is sought when it is too late for it to have an impact – on home décor, clothes, food, holidays, and so on. In these instances, people are seeking endorsement, not the unvarnished truth, so the tactful option is to eschew a completely honest answer and instead find something positive to say.
Hosts and hostesses in particular benefit from a highly developed sense of tact. As they observe proceedings unfold, they need to be aware of social dynamics and alert to possible pressure points. They should be ready at any stage to intervene with a polite interjection, an elegant change of subject, an introduction, a plea for help (asking someone to assist you with serving or social duties is a tactful way of heading off rows or confrontations). The most tactful people can steer and manipulate conversations so subtly that nobody is aware of their machinations and manoeuvrings.
Ultimately, tact is about generosity of spirit, and comes from a genuine desire to build a positive and constructive environment in which relationships can develop and thrive. It is an invaluable skill professionally, as it helps to build a congenial atmosphere in which there is a willingness to listen to other people and work together to solve problems.
Inevitably, there is a hint of dishonesty in the whole notion of tact, but a little dash of duplicity is surely acceptable if it’s to spare someone else’s feelings. It is an unselfish art, where the tactful one removes himself or herself from the context to think only about others, and that can never be a bad thing.
By contrast, there is something selfish and thoughtless about being tactless: at best, a crass inability to avoid putting one’s foot in it – at a cost to other people’s feelings or sensibilities – or, at worst, a wilful ignorance about the effect your own words can have on others. This is often the case with iconoclasts and disruptors, who enjoy provocation and thrive on discord, frequently causing discomfort and distress to other people. “A tactless man is like an axe on an embroidery frame”, says an old Malay proverb – how much better to be the one who stiches a situation back together again.
We all agree that society is becoming much less deferential, and that acute social anxiety when it comes to protocol, precedence and titles is diminishing.
But people still have titles, whether they are inherited or bestowed, and it is still a mark of respect and consideration to go to the trouble of using them correctly. Making mistakes may not be an act of social suicide, as it once was, but it can look slapdash and over-casual. Using the correct title gets you off on the right foot and is an easy way to ensure that you are taken seriously, especially when you are writing to strangers.
British titles can appear confusing and contradictory, and it is hardly surprising that people frequently make the following common mistakes:
•All ranks below duke are called Lord or Lady TITLE in conversation. Do not address them as, for example, earl or baroness except on an envelope or a public list, such as list of patrons or directors, for example at a formal charity event.
•This means that, when you meet a titled person, you should say, for example “Good morning, Lord Debrett” not “Good morning earl.” Dukes are the exception, and you would address a duke as follows: “Good morning, duke”.
•The most common confusion is first and last names. Knights, baronets and dames are formally addressed as follows: title-first name-last name, for example Dame Maggie Smith. If you were to meet her in person, you would address her as follows: “Good morning, Dame Maggie”.
•Daughters and younger sons of dukes and marquesses and daughters of earls are addressed as follows: Lord/Lady-first name-last name, for example the fictional Lady Mary Crawley in Downton Abbey, the daughter of an earl, is informally and verbally addressed as Lady Mary.
•Sons of earls and sons and daughters of viscounts and barons are called the Honourable, shortened to the Hon, but always referred to (other than on envelopes and official lists) as Mr, Mrs, Miss or Ms.
•All life peers are barons or baronesses, and some female life peers have chosen to use the title ‘Baroness’, rather than ‘Lady’. If they choose this style, then it should be respected even though it is technically incorrect. For example, Baroness Garden (title-surname), but some famous life peeresses are commonly, and erroneously, addressed as, for example, “Baroness Margaret Thatcher” (ie their forename is included).
•People often tend to think the wife of a baronet (for example Sir John Debrett), is called Lady Jane Debrett. She is only Lady Jane if she is the daughter of a duke, marquess or earl. To be correct, she is Lady Debrett. It is obviously tempting to call her Lady Jane because her husband is Sir John, but that would be incorrect.
•It works the other way round as well. If daughter of a duke, marquess or earl is married to a plain mister she is called, for example, Lady Charlotte Berkeley (or, informally, “Lady Charlotte”) and he stays Mr James Berkeley. It would be wrong to call her Lady Berkeley.
•Daughters and sons of a viscount or baron have the courtesy title of “The Hon” (though they are addressed verbally in conversation as “Miss”, “Mrs” or “Ms”). If someone with the courtesy title of “The Hon” is married to a plain Mr or Mrs, they take their spouse’s surname and add their courtesy prefix: “The Hon Roger and Mrs Jane Maddox or “Mr Roger and The Hon Jane Maddox”.
Some titles are frequently misused, and the erroneous use has become normalised, for example:
•A very a typical mistake is Diana, Lady Berkeley, the former wife of the 18th Baron Berkeley. As an environmental campaigner, she was frequently in the news and incorrectly named as Lady Dido Berkeley.
• When the composer and impresario Andrew Lloyd Webber was given a life peerage in 1997 his surname was hyphenated to distinguish him from appearing to be a son of a duke or marquess with Lloyd as a first name. Realistically this was never very likely to have happened. However, he is often incorrectly referred to in the media as Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.
• Perhaps the most common mistakes people make is when referring to members of the Royal family. We frequently see examples of people calling The Duchess of Sussex “Duchess Meghan” or “Princess Meghan”, and The Princess of Wales, “Princess Kate”. Both of these are incorrect. Referring to them by their birth names is also erroneous, although as The Duchess of Sussex was well-known before her marriage, it is acceptable to still refer to her as Meghan Markle.
If you want to find out more about the wonderful world of titles, why not become a member of Debrett's, which will give you access to our comprehensive Etiquette library and to our Peerage & Baronetage digital database.
We all value good manners and believe that common courtesy is about being aware of other people’s feelings, being observant, and trying to moderate our behaviour so that it doesn’t impact negatively on the people around us. However, there is a risk that this sort of behaviour could morph into “people pleasing”, a common phenomenon when, to appear “good”, “thoughtful” and “kind”, we repress our own needs and emotions, are over-acquiescent around other people, and avoid conflict at all costs because we fear being rejected, discounted or overlooked.
There is a danger when you compulsively present your best face to the world that you are bottling up your true feelings and projecting an inauthentic version of yourself. Your friends may become frustrated by your bland agreeableness and suspect that you are masking your true emotions. Eventually, the pressures of being a people pleaser will build up and may well lead to outbursts of aggrieved anger and resentment, as well as stress and burnout. If you spend all your time trying too hard to solve everyone else’s problems, there will be very little mental energy left for yourself.
It is easy to confuse people pleasing tendencies with being a kind, considerate, well-mannered person, but that would be a mistake. Good manners are never about eradicating your own personality or deferring completely to the people around you. Instead, you must find acceptable ways of communicating your true self and your feelings and opinions to the world. If you can do so without intemperate rage, and without haranguing or dominating other people, you will not cause offence. A little grit in the oyster – disagreements, disappointment, self-assertion, anger, irritation – is all part of building well-rounded relationships with other people.
•You always agree with everyone and are alarmed by the prospect of deviating from the common consensus.
•You find it extremely hard to say “no” when you are asked for help or favours, or when you are being enlisted to do something that you would rather not do. Saying “yes” is your default position.
•You tend to put your own needs on hold when you are with other people, and you are unwilling to assert or prioritise yourself.
•You feel an anguished sense of responsibility for other people’s emotions. If you are with someone who is in a bad mood, or feeling tetchy, for example, you leap to the conclusion that it must be because of something you’ve done or said.
•You’re a social chameleon: you’ll do whatever it takes to make other people comfortable in social situations, even if it means behaving in a way that makes you uncomfortable (eg agreeing to go on a wild night out of clubbing and drinking when what you really want is a quiet dinner in the local restaurant).
•You avoid conflict at all costs. If there is a heated disagreement amongst your friends, you have a tendency to sit on the fence, or plead ignorance.
•You are a compulsive apologiser, mainly because you feel that – when things have gone wrong, whatever the reason – it is your fault.
•First, you need to acknowledge that you have people pleasing tendencies. Try to examine the times recently you’ve said “yes” when you really mean “no” and think about the number of times in the past few days you’ve acted on other people’s expectations rather than your own wishes.
•You’ll probably find that you naturally default to saying “yes” to everything, so experiment with buying yourself a bit of time by pausing. You could say “I’ll have to think about it”. Use the time to ask yourself “do I really want to do this?” before giving your reply.
•Make small incremental changes. Experiment with saying “no” to a small request and seeing how this makes you feel. You might feel better if you mitigate the negative with a short, and truthful, explanation: for example, say “no thanks” to the offer of an after-work drink, with the brief “I’m just too tired to socialise tonight.” You will be surprised and gratified to find that your explanations will be accepted and your decision to take note of your own feelings will not endanger your friendships.
Increasing numbers of us are regarding the dream of owning our own homes as a distant prospect, while rising rents are forcing many people to live in communal shared households. And it’s not just students and people in their 20s who are just starting out on their adult lives. Older people are being increasingly forced by circumstances (eg divorce, redundancy, bereavement) to consider the communal option.
A harmonious household can be an excellent social resource, providing on-tap company and plentiful human contact. But we all know that living together can be a hazardous affair and that gripes and grievances can all too easily escalate and get out of hand. When the atmosphere begins to turn Arctic (and not just because one of your flatmates has turned down the thermostat), you will need all your reserves of empathy, courtesy and diplomacy to negotiate your way out of trouble. Before it comes to this, watch out carefully for the following pressure points:
•Money
You need to sit down and openly discuss money before you all move in together. That means confronting inequities (eg very small rooms vs spacious master bedrooms) and finding ways to accommodate them (using a sliding rent scale to match room size). It also means working out how you are going to divide bills, who is going to look after household bills, perhaps agreeing a date on the month on which standing orders should be paid, or discussing whether each tenant should make a monthly contribution for a household kitty, covering the cost of basics like tea, coffee, sugar, cleaning products, and so on.
It really is worth spending time hashing out these questions before you’ve actually started living together. If misunderstandings and ambiguities arise later, it’s much more onerous to raise and resolve them.
•Culture
Desperation can lead to some very strange households, which bring together an assortment of people who seem to be startlingly incompatible. It is essential that you go to some time and trouble to find people who are like-minded and compatible in a whole range of different ways. Night owls who like to socialise after midnight and enjoy clattering noisily around the house and playing music in the early hours of the morning will not fit comfortably with early risers who are tucked into bed by 10pm. People who have made very marked lifestyle choices (eg veganism) may not find it easy to share with people whose idea of an excellent breakfast is fried bacon and black pudding.
There are also more subtle questions: do prospective tenants want to socialise, maybe eat and drink together now and then, create a “house culture”? Or are they all rugged individuals, whose idea of shared living is to stay firmly in their own room, making occasional dashes for the kitchen where their food is neatly stowed away and clearly labelled? Obviously, these two stances do not mix, but a surprising number of housemates find themselves living cheek by jowl with people who are fundamentally different and mixing it up is not invariably successful. It is much more sensible to do your due diligence, and thoroughly explore these questions before you choose your housemates.
•Hygiene
Everyone has different standards when it comes to kitchen and bathroom hygiene, but in shared households it is always best to default to a “leave no trace” option. Always clear up after yourself, whether that means doing the washing up late at night after a riotous dinner party or ensuring that you have wiped down bathroom surfaces after your morning shower. This might require a level of diligence that does not come naturally, but cleanliness can be a real trigger point, and nobody wants to find themselves having bitter rows about greasy surfaces or dirty pots and pans. And remember, it’s a shared responsibility to take out the rubbish bins and sort the recycling; take your turn and don’t let it become the sole responsibility of one harassed individual.
•Territorial Questions
Before you embark on an epically long shower or take over the kitchen for yet another of your elaborate supper parties involving an inordinate number of ingredients, utensils and pots, spare a thought for your flat mates. One of them might be desperate to use the bathroom before setting off for work, or keen to knock up a dinner-for-one on the night of your supper party. Nobody in a shared household should wield greater rights over communal space than anybody else, so you really need to think carefully about other people’s access. Communication is key: if you’re having people around, give fair warning and check that it’s okay with everybody else. Be wary of hogging the shared bathroom – save your most indulgent grooming sessions for times when the flat is empty.
It’s all about consideration: you need to keep reminding yourself that your actions will have an impact on other people and ensuring that you minimise any fall-out. If you lapse or get it wrong, which inevitably will happen, a swift and heartfelt apology will go a long way.
•Heat
In these straitened times the question of central heating can be highly charged. We all have different body clocks and comfort levels, and some people will inevitably prefer to keep the thermostat up high, which may well cause resentment amongst more hardy tenants. Don’t let these feelings fester; it’s quite acceptable to point out that keeping the flat at sauna levels all day has profound financial consequences (a smart meter will make that calculation horribly clear). Try and work out a compromise about when it’s acceptable to have the heating on (probably mornings and evenings); in the daytime more sensitive tenants might have to deploy blankets, thermal underwear and hot water bottles to fight off the chill.
Most people who share a flat or house will encounter problems at some point and if they are handled well, they need not be insuperable. If a problem has been brewing, try the following:
•Don’t just blurt out your complaint while the recipient is going about their business in the kitchen – it will come across as hectoring. Instead, say “I think there are some issues we need to discuss” and suggest going out for a drink, or meeting around the kitchen table later in the day. This will buy some time for people to reflect and might mean they’re better prepared and less liable to fly off the handle.
•Don’t just list crimes and misdemeanours, try and explain the consequences for other people. So saying “you never wash up your dinner things before you go to bed” is simply accusatory and may elicit a defensive reaction; saying “if you don’t wash up your dinner things before you go to bed, it means that us early risers are having to clear up before we can have breakfast and get off to work and it’s not a great start to the day, especially if we’re in a rush” conveys how you feel and may go some way towards eliciting sympathy and understanding.
•If possible, try to enlist the presence of a “neutral” third party, who can mediate between you and make the conversation feel less confrontational.
•Be very wary of leaving notes around the household with complaints or instructions. These will come across as dictatorial and officious – it is much better to have an open discussion.
•Don’t resort to passive aggression on household WhatsApp groups. If you send out a message saying, “Just thinking it would be great if we could all remember to wash up our breakfast stuff!” it is clearly directed at one (or more) offender, and everyone knows who it is. It would be much better to confront the situation directly, face to face, which is always a more effective medium.
•Above all, don’t let grievances fester and accumulate until you are a seething mass of resentment. If you do so, you may well find that the confrontation, when it finally comes, is catastrophic and the damage to your relations with your housemates is terminal.
The commercialisation of Halloween knows no bounds. Entire aisles in supermarkets are dedicated to costumes, decorations and themed sweets and unsurprisingly children everywhere are excited about the chance to dress up, go out on a dark night, flirt with demonic thrills and amass vast quantities of sugary treats.
If you’re a parent, you are probably already feeling sucked into the Halloween maelstrom. Costumes are being devised, trick or treating expeditions are being planned, Halloween parties and decorations are the order of the day. It’s hard to resist the excitement of your children and inevitably you are taken over by the whole orgy of spookiness.
Or you may be someone who just loves the chance to dress up, decorate the house, throw a themed party. You’ll already have your pumpkins carved and ready to advertise your willingness to participate, and you’re happy to spend hours creating costumes and experimenting with inventive make-up, so that you can transform yourself into a Halloween horror. You will undoubtedly be welcoming visitors with open arms (and a witchy cackle).
But many people find the Halloween season uncongenial. They don’t have children, they’re not interested in dressing up, they feel unmoved by the whole parade of ghouls, vampires, zombies and witches. Halloween poses a problem: can they simply ignore it, or will they be condemned as Scrooge-like party poopers?
If you live in a safe, friendly neighbourhood, populated by many families with young children, you might have to accept that not participating will be seen as un-neighbourly. Harassed parents might feel disappointed that you’re not willing to play the game and may find your lack of cooperation troubling. In these circumstances, you might have to bite the bullet and accept that trick or treaters will be ringing your doorbell on Halloween and you are going to have to make sure there is something to give them.
•Arm yourself with a generous stock of shop-bought sweets (home-made treats are risky; you wouldn’t want to trigger a nut allergy).
•Switch on outdoor and porch lights if possible, so there won’t be any tripping on the path or trampling of flowerbeds. If you’re really prepared to enter the Halloween spirit, you could place a candlelit jack o’-lantern in a front window or in the porch to advertise your good will.
•Answer the door with a friendly smile on your face, and express admiration for the parade of costumes on display, no matter how bizarre. Never question a small child about their costume; they will find your challenge overwhelming and may become tongue-tied and upset.
•Hand out the sweets (don’t leave them in a bowl by the door, or they’ll all be gone in the first few minutes), wish your visitors a good night and firmly close the door.
•Repeat for the next couple of hours.
In circumstances where you do not feel that refusing visitors is going to disappoint neighbours or get you a bad name as a mean-spirited grump, you might well decide that you would like to forget the whole Halloween experience. Maybe you live in a secluded spot and find the prospect of people crashing around your garden alarming; perhaps you live alone and treat winter evenings as a sacrosanct time, when you can retreat into the peace and safety of your home, with no fear of disturbance.
In these circumstances it is best to draw the curtains and switch out (or at least dim) the lights. While nobody should have to cower in their home on Halloween, it’s best not to advertise your presence too clearly or you may find yourself being harassed by importunate visitors.
If you’re worried that a steady stream of determined visitors is likely to be beating a path to your door, perhaps you should take Halloween as a good opportunity to go out for a meal or a trip to the cinema. If the house is truly empty and unoccupied, you will be beyond reproach.
In the UK most trick or treaters are primary school age, and they are only allowed out early in the evening (often with supervising parents or older siblings in tow), especially on school nights. There is no legal upper age limit, but it is undoubtedly true that teenage trick or treaters might come across as more intimidating, especially to older people, who may well be fearful of uncouth, menacing behaviour or even vandalism. If in doubt, switch off the lights and don’t answer the door.
Trick or treaters should take the hint, accept that they’re confronted by the household that is not participating in the Halloween horror show, and move on.
Latest figures from the Office of National Statistics (2020) indicate that 36.8% of opposite-sex couples and 30.1% of same-sex couples are not marrying for the first time. It is likely that many couples who are planning their weddings are wondering how they should handle the fact that at least one of them is remarrying, and pondering what impact this should have on their arrangements.
The scale and tone of second (and subsequent) marriages depends very much on individual circumstances. The key is to be sensitive and considerate to everyone involved and to use effective communication to manage their expectations and avoid upsetting situations.
If both of you have been married previously, then it is usual to dispense with much of the pomp and circumstance of a traditional wedding and opt for a smaller, low-key affair with close friends and family. This may be a simple register office ceremony, followed by a meal or a drinks reception. Some churches allow a ceremony for a second marriage; if this is not possible, a service of blessing may be held for those who wish to include a religious aspect.
If, however, one of the parties, in particular the bride, is marrying for the first time, then it is likely that the wedding will take more of a traditional route. It may be advisable, especially if children from the first marriage are involved, to openly acknowledge that this is a second marriage.
Traditional wedding invitations would name a divorced bride by her married name (“Mrs Charlotte Debrett”), whereas it is increasingly common for divorced women to revert to their maiden name (“Miss/Ms Charlotte Berkeley”).
Many remarrying couples will choose to host their own wedding and the invitation should be prepared in their own names: “Charlotte Berkeley and Timothy Curzon request the pleasure etc”
Whatever style of wedding seems most appropriate, bear in mind that there are no strictures or conventions that forbid the couple from following traditions that are associated with first marriages. It is quite acceptable for a re-marrying bride to wear white if that is her preference, or she may take a second marriage as an opportunity to defy convention with a bold new colour choice and she is entirely within her rights to do so.
As a rule, it is wise to accept that a second marriage is the signal of a fresh start and to reflect this symbolically in the way in which the wedding is styled. Rather than slavishly re-enacting aspects of a first marriage ceremony (season, venue, style of dress, choice of wedding party, reception rituals), going down a very different route and designing a novel and contrasting ceremony will go a long way towards drawing a line under the first marriage. A winter register office with the bride in crimson velvet followed by a sit-down lunch at a smart London hotel will feel a million miles away from a summer county church wedding with the bride dressed in white lace, followed by a large marquee reception in her parents’ garden.
If the bride or bridegroom has been widowed, then sensitivity should be shown to the family of the deceased, and their status should openly be acknowledged. This means, if possible, inviting them to join immediate family (at the church, register office, or reception venue), and referencing them in speeches.
If the groom has been widowed, he should naturally refer to the loss of his first wife and his gratitude to her family for attending; if the bride has been widowed, then it might be more appropriate for her father to acknowledge her first husband in his speech. It is increasingly common for after-wedding speeches not to follow the conventional father of the bride-bridegroom-best man pattern, in which case mention of the deceased spouse can be accommodated by one of the other speakers, or by the bride herself. The important thing is not to make the family of the deceased feel excluded or bypassed; remember, it may take a super-human effort for them to attend these celebratory nuptials in the circumstances and they should be applauded for doing so.
Given that remarrying couples are probably older and already have set up at least one home, the conventions about gift-giving should be reviewed. Setting up an ambitious gift list for a second marriage, when you have already done so for your first marriage, might look acquisitive and insensitive. You might consider adding a “No wedding presents” plea to your invitation, or perhaps suggest that guests contribute to your chosen charity.
Asking for money can often be awkward, but it is becoming more accepted. It is important for the bride and bridegroom to communicate clearly that the money is going towards something specific, such as a honeymoon.
You can put a great deal of thought into planning a second marriage, but the whole day can turn sour if you don’t behave well. Follow these simple rules:
• Don’t allow yourself to become jaded. While the trappings of the wedding may bring back unhappy memories, your new partner may be marrying for the first time and will be enthusiastic to embark on a new adventure.
• Participate fully and do not allow the failure of your first marriage to poison the second wedding day.
• If you already have a divorce behind you and your partner is marrying for the first time, be prepared to find an air of awkwardness and nervousness permeating relations with your new in-laws. This is quite understandable – you do not have a good track record. Devote all your energies to reassuring them of your commitment to the new marriage.
• Don’t sweep your first marriage under the carpet as it may cause confusion for your children and extended family.
• It is quite appropriate to make a brief reference to a previous marriage in the speeches – keep any allusions wry, affectionate and light-hearted.
•Behave as if you are embracing your past, not obliterating it.
Traditionally ex-partners weren’t invited to remarriages, but social customs have become more fluid, and you may find yourself on the guest list. If the whole notion of the remarriage makes you feel ill, politely refuse the invitation (no explanation needed).
If you do attend your ex-partner’s wedding it is imperative that you act impeccably. Don’t attempt to upstage the bride or groom. Don’t drink too much and turn maudlin or aggressive. You might be wise to tip off friends to look out for you and make it their job to escort you home as soon as they see your social façade begin to wobble.
The bride or groom may want children from previous marriages to play an important role on the big day, eg act as pages or bridesmaids. Accept that this is their right and do everything you can to facilitate your children’s participation. Never threaten your ex-partner with non-cooperation.
