It’s half-term and families are on the move. This is a week when parents and children may be packing their bags and setting off for overnight stays with friends and family, many of whom may be childless or empty nesters. This poses challenges for hosts and guests alike, so it is a good idea to think about the situation beforehand and arm yourself against possible difficulties and conflicts. Tolerance, flexibility and an ability to compromise will go a long way in smoothing out potential problems.
It is sensible to discuss routines, diets and sleeping arrangements with the guests beforehand and do your best to accommodate them. Now is not the time to impose your own theories about childcare on to harassed parents. If you find they have very different notions about bath times, bedtimes, television viewing, mealtimes and so on, it is best to, as far as possible, go along with them. Stirring up conflict with parents or acting disapprovingly is going to make for a very difficult stay.
Do your best beforehand to prepare for the invasion. Ensure that young children are accommodated in their parents’ guest room, or very close by. Child-proof your house; this means removing delicate ornaments that are vulnerable to boisterous play or curious fingers, even if all you do is put them on a high inaccessible shelf.
If possible, disinter some of your children’s old, discarded toys or borrow some from a sympathetic friend. Cruise the charity shops for suitable children’s books and make sure you’re well equipped with paper, colouring in books and crayons. Dig out board games and packs of playing cards. Parents will be touched by all the efforts you have made.
Food can be a deeply contentious issue, so listen carefully to the parents’ account of their child’s particular likes and dislikes. Within reason, do your best to accommodate them; stock up with a special cereal, fishfingers or baked beans if necessary. If the parents are very anti junk foods, take note: it would be extremely provocative to ply their children with crisps, biscuits and fizzy drinks.
Dealing with Difficulties
If you find the children are out of control or disruptive, remember that reproaching other people’s children for their behaviour is very dangerous territory. So, if they’re charging up and down your landing at the crack of dawn, or insisting on staying up and disrupting your dinner at 11pm, you’ll need to alert the parents. This can be done in a tactful, non-confrontational way:
For example, you could say you’ve left out some breakfast cereals in case the children get up early and add that they’re welcome to turn on the tv (show them how). The clear message here is that you don’t want to be dragged out of bed in the early hours.
If you’re worried about evening disruption, you could tell your guests that you are planning to serve dinner at 8pm, which will give them time to bath the children and get them to bed beforehand. They really should get the message.
If you’re bringing your children to stay with child-free hosts, for example grandparents, you will need to communicate with them beforehand. Don’t make your ‘briefing’ sound like a list of peremptory commands, but at least explain food fads or allergies and give some idea of your child’s daily routines.
When you arrive with your children, you should not see your hosts as child-minders, or arrive with any expectation that you will be able to dump childcare onto them. You are primarily responsible for your children, even if it means getting up hours before the rest of the household to accommodate their morning routine, or leaving the dinner table at night because a child needs to be settled. You must accept this role with good grace and never play the martyr.
When you first arrive, especially if you have very young children, give the house a quick once-over for traps and hazards. Your hosts may think they’ve child-proofed adequately, but it’s always wise to double check.
Do your best to be flexible and to fit in with the household routines. It is a good idea to come armed with snacks (you may find that mealtimes are very different from your own and you children get hungry and tetchy). Try to ensure that your children don’t turn mealtimes into a circus that ruins your hosts’ enjoyment; if they’re liable to play up when it comes to food, it might be a good idea to suggest that you feed them separately so that the adults can be left in peace. If your children are very young and still at the food-throwing stage, you must take responsibility for clearing up after them.
If your children are older, check with the host about whether they will be joining the adults for dinner. It might well be acceptable for them to eat separately and then commune with their laptops or the television in another room while the adults eat and talk.
Come well equipped with toys and books, laptops and tablets to keep your children entertained during the boring hiatuses when adults are chatting. But be mindful of your children’s possessions and don’t leave them cluttering up the living spaces or spread all over the floor.
Unless they are invited to do so by the host, children should not turn on the television. They should also be told not to help themselves to food and drink from the host’s fridge and always to ask politely if they would like a drink or snack.
Dealing with Difficulties
Children will tend to play up if they’re bored or are subjected to too much exposure to incomprehensible adult conversation, while being told to sit still and stop fidgeting. Of course, it is always a good idea to integrate children into adult meals and conversations, and that is how they learn good manners, but you must accept that there are limits to their endurance. So, keep a careful eye on them and let them get down from the table and play elsewhere when they begin to show ominous signs of restiveness.
Noisy antics at anti-social hours will fray the nerves of even the most tolerant hosts, so you will really need to impress on children the challenge of being quiet at these times. Bringing laptops and tablets that will distract them during these dangerous periods is always a good idea.
Being reticent, according to the dictionary, is “not revealing one’s thoughts or feelings readily”. This quintessentially British characteristic was much valued at a time when it was considered entirely inappropriate for money, illness or sex to be discussed in polite society. Indeed, any assertion of individuality or tendencies towards self-expression were seen as “unfortunate” and were ruthlessly suppressed by a rigorous and disciplined educational system.
Reticence is manifest in a firm sense of individual privacy, and a feeling that it is intrusive to ask personal questions. While in many countries, detailed interrogation about family, children, educational qualifications and personal wealth is the norm, many Britons will recoil from such honest scrutiny. If they are curious about someone else, they are prone to ask oblique questions or to try and establish credentials by roundabout means.
Look up synonyms of reticence and you will find words like “reserved’, “bashful” and “shy”. All these terms, with their slightly negative connotations, are misleading. Reticence is a positive choice, not emanating from feelings of social awkwardness but rooted in a strong sense of individual boundaries.
Today, personal revelations are the very stuff of celebrity and reality tv culture, we bare our all on social media and self-expression is seen as a fundamental human right. Undoubtedly, some of this new freedom is a natural reaction against a rigid and formal society, although many traditionalists feel that the cult of self-expression has swung too far.
In the social context, chattiness is seen as a desirable social skill. Talkative people are sought-after guests, guaranteed to break awkward silences and keep conversations going. Loquaciousness is frequently associated with extroversion, positivity and self-confidence. But we are all aware that it can bring its own problems. A person who likes the sound of their own voice can all too easily turn into a bore, who harangues an audience – frequently trapped by social conventions and unable to escape – into a state of somnolence. Chattiness may well morph into disinhibition; gossip, questionable revelations and unsolicited confessions may all follow and lead to social embarrassment. Ultimately, words may be spoken that should never have been uttered – resentment, anger and self-pity may be unleashed by disinhibition and alcohol.
Reticence, on the other hand, is a discreet character strait. Reticent people are careful listeners, confident enough to resist social pressures to perform and ready to speak only when they have something valuable, interesting or pertinent to say. They are thoughtful and self-controlled, liable to pause for careful thought and consideration before pressing that fatal ‘send’ button, and unleashing torrents of self-revelation and rage on an unsuspecting world.
There is a danger, however, that in social situations they will be seen as withdrawn and reserved, sideline spectators who are unwilling to throw themselves into the fray. It is therefore important that reticence is combined with excellent manners. At best, a truly reticent person will be skilled at the give and take of small talk, and adept at fielding intrusive questions with ironic rejoinders or smooth subject-changes. If their opinion is solicited on a controversial topic or participation is demanded, they will be able to deflect these demands without appearing to be stand-offish or critical. They may be relied upon to make the odd quizzical remark, ask a probing question or query an assertion, thereby making a contribution and providing balance, as well as demonstrating that they are engaged and interested.
Social occasions will inevitably be more successful if reticent and voluble people are mixed. Passionate, impetuous talkers inevitably need a counterbalance to check their wilder excesses and a thoughtful and restrained listener will act as a helpful moderating influence.
A total of 8.3 billion emails are sent every day in the UK alone (as of April 2023). Clearly, we have embraced this form of communication with enthusiasm, and nowhere more so than the workplace., where the average office worker receives over 30 emails per day.
The advantages of email are obvious: it is instant, aids efficiency, and is a brilliant medium for sending enquiries, reports, polite thanks, confirmations of orders and arrangements and much more. A record of all these communications will be retained and accessible, eliminating “he said” “she said” confusion.
But the ease of email also spells danger. Rapid-fire communication may seem like a formula for office efficiency but the ease of sending emails can all too often mean that they are dispatched precipitately, before the sender has scrutinised them carefully and passed them as fit for purpose. A poorly written email might come across as ambiguous or confusing. Without the mellowing effect of the human voice, email language can reek of passive aggression. And in a world where all the old formalities are dissipating, it is sometimes hard to get the tone right, perhaps alienating the recipient with over-punctilious formality, or offending them with too casual a tone.
All these risks are avoidable if a few moments are taken before pressing “send”, and a little thought and consideration is given to writing style.
Emails evolved from conventional letters and many people still adhere to the simple salutation “Dear ….”, which is a safe default.
Those preferring a more casual approach will opt for “Hi”, “Hello” or “Hey”. All of these greetings are perfectly acceptable if you are writing to people who are on your wavelength (eg colleagues, like-minded customers and suppliers), but will seem much too informal if you are writing to, for example, lawyers, accountants, clients or suppliers you have never met before, managers or bosses.
A good rule of thumb, when replying to emails, is to return the greeting that has been used, or some approximation of it. That way you will ensure that you are matching the tone of your correspondent.
Some people try to avoid all the complexity of choosing a greeting by simply adding a peremptory name at the beginning of the email: eg ‘Jim’. This somewhat abrupt greeting sounds impolite and aggressive and should be avoided.
Sometimes greetings are completely dispensed with, but this is only acceptable when you are having a quick and pithy exchange with someone you know well.
Business letters were conventionally signed off with “yours faithfully” or “yours sincerely”; these formal phrases are not commonly used in email communication. As with greetings, the safest bet is to match the tone and formality of emails you have received.
A range of signoffs are now in circulation with “Kind regards” and “Best regards” at the more formal end of the spectrum. “Best wishes” is perhaps the most neutral, while“Cheers” sounds a more informal note. Again, you will need to think about the recipient and your relation to them before you add a sign off – “kind regards” might seem extremely formal if you’re writing to a long-time colleague, while “cheers” might sound just a bit too casual if you’re communicating with your managing director.
If you’re enjoying an extremely casual exchange with someone you know well, you might dispense with signoffs altogether, just adding your name or even your initial.
Signing off with a kiss (x) is fine in certain contexts and with certain people, but it is not the norm in office communications, and it is probably best to think twice if you’re a compulsive email kisser.
Certain phrases in business-related emails can come across as passive-aggressive, and should be wielded with caution:
“I’m not sure if you saw my last email?”
Of course you did – this commonly used phrase is clearly saying “Why have you not had the courtesy to reply?”
“Please advise”
This is standard business parlance but in an email, meaning “Are you going to actually get back to me?”, but it comes across as needlessly brusque. It would be so much more civilised to say, “Could you let me know?”.
“Per my last email”
Beware this officious phrase, which sounds like “We’ve already spoken about this, so when are you actually going to do something?”
“Going forward”
This simple phrase packs a powerful punch, implying “I hope you’re not going to make this mistake again”.
“As you are aware”
This indicates “you already know this, so why am I having to remind you?".
“Correct me if I’m wrong”
This really means “I’m not wrong, you are…”
“Let me clarify”
This exasperated phrase clearly indicates that the writer feels that the matter in hand is extremely simple and straightforward and that a child should be able to understand it.
“Just checking in”
This is one of several phrases that basically mean “When are you actually going to deign to reply to me?”
“Thanks in advance”
This phrase brooks no argument; it means “Get on and do what I’ve asked and make it snappy”.
The hazardous path to writing excellent emails will be considerably eased if you follow these simple rules:
•Do not reply to emails when you’re angry or affronted, or you will say things that you will later regret. If you need to get the emotion off your chest, write an email and save it as a draft – inevitably you will moderate the language when you return to it.
•Use polite phrases to moderate requests and soften criticism. Just using phrases like “Please can you” or “would you be able to” or “I’d be very grateful if you could” will take a lot of potential aggression out of email messages.
•Whenever possible, use the phrase “Thanks” or “Thank you” even if it is only to say, “Thanks for getting back to me” or “Thanks for your very helpful thoughts”.
•Eliminate the need to write passive-aggressive email reminders by being meticulous about replying to your emails promptly, even if it is only to say, “I’ve noted your query and will get back to you later this afternoon”. That way, your correspondents will not be tying themselves up in knots trying to politely extract a response from you.
It is an indisputable fact that being unpunctual is bad manners because it discounts the value of other people’s time. By being late you are effectively forcing the people you are meeting to waste their time – hanging around waiting for someone is deeply frustrating. It is quite likely that being unpunctual has become more common since the advent of mobile phones as there is an assumption that a quick explanatory text and apology erases the offence. But this is not the case. If you are waiting for a late arrival, being informed about the delay is a minor mitigation, but it still means that you are left in limbo, with no recourse but to stay put.
Punctuality should be prioritised and observed both socially and professionally and being consistently unpunctual can have serious consequences. In offices this is perhaps the single issue that causes the most complaints, resentment and animosity. To be late for an interview, a meeting, a conference, a business lunch or just work, without having a good reason that has been communicated to the relevant parties, is universally considered to be bad manners. Being late is not a sign of importance or great industry. It is a sign of poor organisation, or thoughtlessness, or rudeness.
All instances of unpunctuality call for an apology, which should be accompanied by a very brief explanation of why you were late – transport, childcare, domestic emergency etc. Accompany the apology with some demonstration of concern for any impact your lateness may have had on your friends or colleagues.
If you are late for an appointment then the priority above all others is to use your mobile phone to get a message through to the person you are meeting (or the lead person, if you are meeting a group) to let them know that you are going to be late. If possible, you should speak to the person to whom this most matters and you should try and give a reasonable estimate of just how late you are going to be. It is polite to try and speak to the person concerned; if they are not picking up, then leave a text message, which should be clearly written and fully explanatory. If you are going to be very late, then you must consider whether to offer cancelling or postponing the appointment.
For many of us, being late is an occasional hazard, and it is due to factors beyond our control (traffic, train delays, other people). We make our excuses and, because we are known to be generally punctual, are quickly forgiven. But we all know, and are frustrated by, inveterate offenders who are invariably late.
There are many reasons for unpunctuality, but the most common can be summarised as follows:
•Adrenalin Junkies
These people love to live down to the wire. When they were students, they sat up all night finishing their essay, they inevitably are working on an all-important report or speech just minutes before it is due to be delivered. At some level, they feel they cannot function unless they are generating peril and crisis; being unpunctual is a way of creating jeopardy and they can’t stop themselves from doing so.
•Masters of Multitasking
These are people who pride themselves on their unrivalled ability to fit a superhuman amount into every day. They thrive on adding items to ever-growing “to do” lists, schedule tasks for every minute of the day and consistently miscalculate how long everything will take – inevitably they end up wasting other people’s time because they cannot manage their own.
•Scatterbrains
These are people who live in a disordered state of absent-minded distraction. They are forgetful and easily side-tracked, liable to lose possessions, lock themselves out, forget where they have parked the car and so on. It is a miracle that they ever arrive anywhere.
•Powermongers
These people are ambitious, assertive and competitive. They understand the value of time very clearly and regard making other people wait at their beck and call as a power play, which reinforces their status. People who wield their disregard for punctuality as a weapon have no desire to amend their ways; they are beyond redemption.
Being consistently late is a personality trait and can be deeply ingrained, making it difficult to transform yourself into a punctual person. But if you want to improve your timekeeping abilities, it is well worth looking at these three simple tips. It will pay dividends both professionally and socially.
•Create a time sheet
Take a handful of daily tasks (showering, eating your breakfast, walking the dog, walking to the bus stop etc etc). List them and write down your estimate of how long each takes. Then time yourself doing them and you may well find that you are habitual under-estimator. If you have a timing template in your head that is completely out of kilter with reality, you are quite likely to be repeatedly late for everything.
•Discard the idea of being “on time”
It would be wonderful if every journey ran like clockwork, buses and trains adhered strictly to a timetable, and traffic was utterly predictable, but we all know this isn’t the case. You may have an idea about how long a journey takes, for example 30 minutes, and therefore decide to leave the house at 8.30 for a 9.00am appointment. With no contingency built into your timings, you will find that you are often five or ten minutes late. It is common sense to always make a provision for unplanned events or circumstances in your timing estimates.
•Enjoy the wait
If you’re an anxious or driven person, you probably find the prospect of waiting 10 or 15 minutes when you arrive early at an appointment off-putting. Try and turn this time slot into an asset: give yourself time to check your emails, make a call that you’ve been deferring, play a word game on your phone, write a shopping list for later in the day. Rejoice in the little island of peace you have created and remind yourself that the person you are meeting will be pleased and gratified by your punctuality.
“There are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon tea.”
Henry James
This great British tradition is enduringly popular and is a great way of entertaining a small group of friends without having to commit to hosting a more ambitious, and time-consuming sit-down meal.
It is said that tea was first introduced to Britain by the Portuguese wife of King Charles II, Catherine of Braganza, in the mid-17th century. Tea was considered a ladies’ drink, consumed in the privacy of their own private quarters and served in delicate porcelain cups. These cups followed the Chinese style and were bowl shaped, without handles. It was not until the mid-18th century that handles were introduced, which prevented the ladies from burning their fingers. It is said that the idea of the saucer evolved at about this time when the daughter of a Chinese military officer, who found it difficult to handle hot bowls of tea, asked a local potter to create a little plate on which she could place the bowl. In Victorian times it was quite acceptable to decant hot tea into the saucer to cool it down before sipping it, which was known as a “dish of tea”.
The actual ritual of afternoon tea dates to about 1840 and owes much to Anna, the seventh Duchess of Bedford, who would become hungry at around four o’clock in the afternoon. The evening meal in her household was served fashionably late at eight o’clock, and the interval between lunch and dinner was frustratingly long, leaving her with a ‘sinking feeling’. The Duchess asked for a sustaining tray of tea, bread and butter and cake to be brought to her room during the late afternoon. This became a habit of hers and she began inviting friends to join her.
This pause for tea became a fashionable social event. During the 1880s upper-class and society women would change into long gowns, gloves and hats for their afternoon tea, which was usually an all-female gathering, either served in the lady’s bedchamber or, more formally, in the drawing room between four and five o’clock.
Traditional afternoon tea has now evolved into a light meal, which comprises a selection of dainty sandwiches (including, of course, thinly sliced cucumber sandwiches), followed by cakes, pastries and scones, served with clotted cream and preserves. Tea grown in India or Ceylon is poured from teapots into delicate bone china cups.
After plucking, the fresh leaves are spread out to dry. Then the leaves are either rolled to crush the leaf and release the essential oils and enzymes, or passed through a ‘cut, tear and curl’ machine. After that the tea is left to ferment until it becomes a bright copper colour. Then it’s dried to halt the fermentation and sterilise the leaves. This turns the leaves dark brown or black. Finally, the tea is sorted into the various leaf grades.
•Green Tea
Green teas are not fermented. Immediately after plucking, the leaves are softened by steaming in large iron pans over a fire. They are then rolled and dried.
•Black Tea
Black tea is the most popular variety of tea drunk in the UK and is more oxidized than the oolong, green, and white varieties. After plucking and drying, the leaves are then rolled out so that the mix of warm air, aromatic juices, bacteria and enzymes leads to oxidation (this fermentation is a natural reaction that affects strength and colour). Fermentation is stopped by ‘firing’ the leaves with hot air, which makes them turn black as they dry. Assam, English Breakfast, Kenya, Early Grey, Lapsang Souchong and Darjeeling are all black teas.
•Oolong Tea
Means ‘black dragon’ in Chinese and is traditionally used for a tea that is semi-fermented. After plucking, oolong teas are processed in a similar way to black teas, but the fermentation time is much shorter. They tend to have a large leaf and produce a pale bright liquor with a delicate flavour.
•White Tea
This tea is unfermented; only the unopened bud and sometimes the first new leaf are used.
•Herbal Teas
Herbal and fruit infusions are not in fact produced from the Camellia Sinensis plant, but from other plants and fruits. Herbal teas can be drunk either hot or cold, but it is important to let the infusion steep for a few minutes to extract the flavour. Herbal infusions are made from the fruits, flowers, leaves, seeds or roots of the plant, which are then boiled and strained. Popular herbal teas include camomile, Moroccan mint, peppermint, ginger, lemon balm, cardamon.
•Create your own tea blend
If you want to make your own unique blend, sample as many varieties as possible and make notes on leaf colour, fragrance and taste. Then experiment with combining two different tea types: you might, for example, want to add a small amount of fragrant lapsang souchong to a more robust Darjeeling. Once you’ve arrived at a great blend, make up a caddy-full, keep airtight and note down exactly the quantities you’ve used.
If serving tea for a group, it is worth brewing a pot. Loose leaf tea will taste best but will need to be poured through a tea strainer. A second pot with hot water in it should be provided to dilute over-brewed tea if necessary. Use one rounded teaspoon of tea per cup and leave to brew for 2-4 minutes before pouring. Use water that has boiled but is not actually boiling.
If an afternoon tea is being hosted at home, then it is the hostess’s responsibility to pour the tea. In a hotel or restaurant, if a waiter places a teapot on the table without pouring the tea the person nearest the pot should pour for everyone.
The tea should be poured first and any milk, lemon or sugar added afterwards. In Victorian times hot tea was poured straight into the cup to test the quality of the bone china. Expensive china did not crack.
When serving lemon with tea, place a slice (not chunk) of lemon in the cup after it has been poured. Never add milk to lemon tea; the citric acid in the lemon will make the milk curdle.
When you are served tea in a teacup and saucer at a low table, for example in a drawing room, you should pick up the teacup and saucer. At a dining table, you leave the saucer on the table and raise the cup to your lips.
Hold delicate teacups by pinching the handle between your forefinger and thumb – don’t extend your little finger!
When stirring the tea don’t clink the spoon against your cup. Once you have stirred your tea, remove the spoon from the cup and place it on the saucer.
Don’t dunk your biscuits in your tea unless in a very informal setting, and don't make slurping noises – even if it is hot.
Sandwiches are eaten with the fingers, never with a knife and fork.
If you are served an extremely elaborate cake (with layers of cream and fruit filling), it is a good idea to use the cake fork provided, rather than struggling with your fingers.
When you are served scones, you should also not use your knife to cut them in half, horizontally. Instead, break the scone in half with your hand. Take a dollop of jam and cream, using the serving spoon, and put it on the side of the plate. Break off small bite-sized pieces with your fingers, spread with jam and cream and consume in one mouthful.
Which should go first? In Cornwall it is said to be traditional to spread the jam and then add the cream, whereas in Devon cream comes first and jam second is favoured. Either method is completely acceptable, and you should opt for an arrangement that causes the least mess when it comes to conveying the delicious morsel to your mouth.
Autumn is the season for new starts and many school-leavers, who are contemplating a gap year or have chosen not to go down the further education route, are putting together a CV for the first time as they prepare to launch themselves into the job market.
For many of them, this will be the first time they’ve applied for a proper job and the first time they have prepared a CV. This presents particular challenges: clearly, school-leavers do not have years of employment experience to draw on and are reliant instead on exam results, and extra-curricular activities.
Research from the National Citizen Service show that your CV has, on average, just 8.8 seconds to make an impact, so it’s important to get it right. We’ve put together some recommendations on maximising the impact of your CV. Whether you’re a freshly minted job-hunter or an anxious parent, who is trying to help a teenager launch themselves into the world of work, note the following:
Research your potential employer
It’s easy to look them up online. Review their mission statement and try and apply it to the job you’re applying for.
Read the job description carefully and copy the language they use. This will show that you not only read their brief fully, but you can also speak their language.
Stand out from the crowd
Demonstrate that you something more to offer than just academic performance. Highlight the work you have done outside school to show you’re not afraid to put in the extra work for something you believe in.
List any youth programmes you’ve participated in, any volunteering experiences, passion projects or sport and social activities that you actively pursue.
Soft skills
Ask yourself what you want this employer to know about you – what personal skills you are most proud of and how you could be an asset to their business. List specific skills that you have, such as confidence and resilience, presenting skills, the ability to work effectively in teams or examples of leading one.
Presentation is everything
Your CV needs to read well, but it must also look good. The top three things that turn off employers are bad grammar, spelling mistakes and poor formatting. Take advantage of simple online templates or even use your own creativity – just remember to have a fresh pair of eyes look at it before you send it out.
No job experience?
If you haven’t got any work history, you can use other experiences to demonstrate your potential. Any responsibilities you have undertaken at school or any voluntary work you have done (such as fundraising) will have given you skills that can be applied in a professional environment. Examples could include: handling cash, working with children, or speaking on behalf of classroom peers.
Think carefully about any skills you’ll bring to a job. You might be highly organised, numerate, a good communicator, a diligent researcher. Think about the sort of skills your potential employer will be seeking, and try to present yourself in a positive light, as hard-working, positive, enthusiastic and eager to learn.
It is important to keep your CV short and attention grabbing, so use bullet points wherever possible, as they are much more likely to jump off the page. Most hard-pressed employers will find long, wordy paragraphs off-putting.
Arrange your CV as follows:
•Name and Contact Details
•Personal Profile
This should be a brief statement (two or three sentences), which summarises who you are (eg a school-leaver with two ‘A’ levels), what interests you (eg communication, working with children, administration etc), and an indication of where you aspire to be (eg highlight the industry that attracts you).
•Skills
It is vital that this section is carefully tailored to the specific job requirements, as it is probably the first place a recruiter will look. Here you can highlight competencies such as IT (it’s good to indicate experience in specific software programs), languages etc but also mention soft skills, such as public speaking, classroom advocacy, team-leading (eg in sports), and so on.
•Education
Arrange this section in reverse chronological order (ie with your most recent qualifications) first. List qualifications, grades and date attained – and go as far back as GCSEs.
•Work and Volunteer Experience
Like your education section, this should be arranged in reverse chronological order, with your most recent employer/activity first. List all your experience, no matter how brief, including internships and work experience schemes. For each entry include the following details: company name/organisation you were volunteering for; job title/role description; dates of employment/engagement; a brief description of your main duties and your key achievements.
Don’t be afraid to include details of relevant social media accounts (e.g. X, LinkedIn, blogs) but only do this if you think it is a positive reflection of you. It’s becoming more common for employers to search for potential employees online, so by including this information you are making it easier for them to find you. Review all your privacy settings and ensure that nothing is accessible online that is going to compromise your reputation: photographs of riotous nights out and associated gossip will be seen as deeply off-putting. You are now entering the professional world of work, and it is vital that you curate your own image.
•Photographs
You don’t want to be judged on your image alone and it is not a requirement in the UK.
•Protected characteristics
Under the Equality Act of 2010 you do not have to include sensitive information, for example, your age, race, religion, sex or gender reassignment, or disabilities.
•Your entire life story
Edit the information so it’s appropriate for the job you’re applying for, and no more. Keep it short, concise and relevant even if it means changing your CV every time you apply for a new job.
•Long lists of hobbies
Hobbies such as ‘socialising with friends’, ‘going to the cinema’ and ‘going to the gym’ will sell you short. They don’t demonstrate what value you’re bringing to the company. Only include hobbies that will have a positive spin, eg running marathons (striving to push yourself to the limits), a player in the local football league (team player), amateur theatricals (creative people person etc), playing in the youth orchestra (creative, committed).
Think carefully about the attributes that the job requires and include hobbies and interests that appear to be relevant. The exception to this rule is if you have a real passion (eg running, tennis, cooking, playing in a band, yoga etc). If it reflects well on you, include it in your CV as it will add a little touch of personality to your profile and make you stand out.
•“References on request”
This is a given, and employers will ask for them if they want to take your application further.
The rise of hybrid working has meant that diurnal tube journeys are no longer an inevitable aspect of living and working in London. Over the summer months the tube is overwhelmed with tourists and visitors and, as the holiday season draws to a close and the return to work picks up pace, it is becoming apparent that London Underground etiquette, which has been honed and disseminated since the first subterranean trains began to run in 1863, is beginning to look a bit frayed.
The first underground trains were inordinately loud, making conversations impossible. The prevailing tendency was to mind your own business, immuring yourself in your own unreachable and self-contained zone, a behaviour that is still very recognisable today.
The introduction of escalators into crowded stations in 1911 introduced new challenges to tube passengers. Initially, guards instructed passengers to walk up the escalators, treating them as moving staircases. Gradually, underground workers introduced a system where those who wanted to stand still could do so on the right-hand side, while people who walked up the escalator used the left-hand side. This system is still in place today.
The congestion of the London underground, the huge numbers of passengers, and complexity of the route system, were all challenges that were addressed by the railway authorities, who began to issue a series of innovative instructional posters, which were intended to initiate their users in the correct underground etiquette. The posters focused on social conduct and ways of ensuring the journey was as pleasant as possible: they advised how to enter a crowded carriage; warned against blocking the doorways; pleaded with people on the platform to let passengers off first; recommended moving down the platform to reduce overcrowding – all these instructions can still be heard today.
Often the messages were framed in a moralistic tone, stressing the fact that ‘good’ tube behaviour was considerate towards other people. A 1918 poster instructed passengers to move down inside the carriage because “everyone cannot get a seat at the busy hours, but more could get a strap or standing room if the doors were left free from the crush. Think of others. A door obstructer is a selfish person.”
Many of these challenges remain today and, while trains have become faster, more frequent, and quieter, passengers – especially in the aftermath of the Covid shutdown and the working from home revolution – may lack the awareness and acuity that underground travel demands. Losing yourself in your phone, shutting yourself off with the help of headphones, or dawdling dreamily in train doorways, are all signs of a worrying lack of engagement with the real world, which can inconvenience other passengers.
Now is the time to brush up your underground etiquette, by following these simple rules:
•Be prepared when you enter the underground station, and have your Oyster card, debit card or phone ready to place on the reader. Especially in rush hours, the flow of passengers through the entrance gate is fast and relentless, and people will be annoyed if you hold them up while you fumble in your bag or pocket.
•If you want to stand still on the escalators, stick to the right-hand side, allowing people to walk up and down on the left-hand side. Always leave enough space for walkers to pass on your left.
•Once you arrive at the platform, move along so that you are not blocking entrances and exits.
•When the train arrives, stand to one side of the opening doors, and allow passengers to disembark. Do not jostle or barge into other passengers in your eagerness to board – another train will be along very shortly.
•Once on board the train, move down quickly inside the carriage – there are plenty of handles and rails to assist you. Do not bunch up in the entrances near the doors as it will make it difficult for passengers to disembark.
•The carriages can be quite crowded so try not to take up excess room with your luggage and possessions. If you are wearing a backpack, be aware that there is a hefty protuberance on your back that might well barge into other passengers – it is best to remove it before boarding and place it between your feet.
•Only use one seat – do not dump your possessions on the vacant seat next to you.
•Do not occupy more than your allocated space by slouching or sprawling in your seat or manspreading.
•If you are standing by the doors on a crowded train, it is a good idea to disembark and stand to one side to let other passengers off. Don’t panic – you will be able to re-board the train.
•If you are listening to music or podcasts, use headphones or earbuds. Loud music leaching out of your headphones will be frowned upon – tubes are conventionally quiet spaces.
•Minimise eating and drinking on the tube. Lurching trains and sudden stops can easily lead to embarrassing spillages and smelly foods can be overpowering in a confined space.
•Do not stare at your fellow passengers. If you find yourself without the distraction of your phone, or a book or newspaper, try to fix your gaze above the opposite passengers’ heads, where you will adverts and tube maps to distract you.
•Be aware that overt staring can be interpreted as ‘intrusive staring of a sexual nature’, which is a prosecutable offence.
• It is important that you respect the Priority Seat signs. In any case, if you see an older person, or someone who is pregnant, or a mother with a small child in tow, it is a considerate gesture to offer them your seat.
•If you are offered a seat, graciously accept it, even if you do not feel that you need it – accepting politely will encourage considerate behaviour. If you are only staying on the train for a couple of stops, say so and politely refuse.
Debrett’s has joined forces with the Parmigiano Reggiano Consortium, as part of an EU funded campaign, to develop a Guide to Entertaining at Home.
There are many ways in which you can entertain at home – from formal dinners to drinks parties, informal and improvised lunches and al fresco suppers. All these events will inevitably be enhanced by impeccable hospitality. As a host you must be perceptive, organised and meticulous. But you should also be relaxed, flexible and confident enough to improvise when the need arises.
Above all, you must be generous: the simplest dish will be immeasurably improved if it is plentiful, delicious and served with liberal amounts of wine. Good conversation and entertaining company will be much more memorable to your guests than rarefied cuisine, served with a dose of cook’s anxiety. Good etiquette is not about outmoded manners and codes of conduct, it is all about being observant, being aware of other people’s comfort, and doing your utmost to ensure that everyone is having a wonderful time.
Download our booklet here for invaluable advice on a range of home entertaining, from informal suppers and al fresco meals to drinks parties and formal dinners, with a cheesy twist...
Public proposals have been in the news recently. These can range from the suitor who proposes in a public place in front of strangers – going down on bended knee in a crowded restaurant, for example – to people who plan huge extravaganzas, deploying flash mobs, skywriters and casts of thousands.
We have been puzzling over the ways in which the marriage proposal has evolved since the Victorian era. Etiquette guides from the 19th century are, unsurprisingly, adamant that a marriage proposal should be a private matter between the couple. In fact, managing to get a potential bride on her own during this era of chaperones and watchful mothers, was often the first hurdle a young gentleman faced:
“When about to take this step, the suitor’s first difficulty is how to get a favourable opportunity; and next, having got the chance, how to screw his courage up to give utterance to the ‘declaration’. We have heard of a young lover who carried on a courtship for four months ere he could obtain a private interview with his lady-love. In the house, as might be expected, they were never left alone; and in a walk a third party always accompanied them. In such a dilemma, ought he to have unburdened his heart of its secret through the medium of a letter? We say not. A declaration in writing should certainly be avoided where the lover can by any possibility get at the lady’s ear. But there are cases where this is so difficult that an impatient lover cannot be restrained from adopting the agency of a billet-doux in declaring his passion.”
Routledge’s Manual of Etiquette, London, 1860
Once the lady’s attention was secured, the Etiquette manuals agree that they cannot offer proscriptive advice about the actual wording of the proposal, although they are adamant that the answer given should be definitive, with no mock-refusals:
“We shall make no attempt to prescribe a form for ‘popping the question’. Each must do it in his own way; but let it be clearly understood and admit no evasion. A single word ‘Yes’, on the lady’s part, will suffice to answer it. If the carefully studied phrases which you have repeated so many times and so fluently to yourself, will persist in sticking in your throat and choking you, put them correctly and neatly on a sheet of the finest notepaper, enclosed in a fine but plain white envelope, seal it handsomely with wax, address it carefully, and find some way to convey it to her hand. The lady’s answer should be frank and unequivocal, revealing briefly and modestly her real feelings and consequent decision.
If a lady finds it necessary to say ‘No’ to a proposal, she should do it in the kindest and most considerate manner, so as not to inflict unnecessary pain; but her answer should be definite and decisive, and the gentleman should at once withdraw his suit. If ladies will say ‘No’; when they mean ‘Yes’ to a sincere and earnest suitor, they must suffer the consequences.”
How to Behave: A Pocket Manual of Etiquette, and Guide to Correct Personal Habits, London, 1856
When it came to spreading the news of the engagement, or making it public, the advice is uncompromisingly repressive:
“If it is properly anybody’s business to know that you love each other, and propose to be married, let formal notice be served accordingly; but to the great mass there need be nothing in the shape of an advertisement.”
Beeton’s Manners of Polite Society, London, 1875
It seems a long way from the discreet manners of our ancestors, with their finely-developed sense of discretion and privacy, to the zany antics of today. For the Victorians there was a clear divide between the domestic social sphere and public life, and the notion of behaviour that was essentially self-publicising was complete anathema. Personal reputation was all-important, and any behaviour that broke the strict bonds of convention and taboo could jeopardise it. The business of courtships and proposals belonged strictly to “private life”, and it was universally understood that these domestic arrangements were to be negotiated with the utmost discretion and lack of fanfare.
The barriers between public and private worlds have dissolved today and increasingly we are opting to live in the public sphere. Many of us post compulsively about our lives on social media, and – to provide ever-more fodder for our followers we feel compelled to stage manage our stories, setting up locations, inviting a supporting cast, set-dressing and dramatizing even our most intimate moments. All these tendencies have led to ever-more elaborate and attention-grabbing public proposals.
As the Victorian etiquette manuals pointed out, there is no right or wrong way to propose. But you should think carefully before going public. Will your partner be completely on-board with your plans? If you are proposing to an ebullient extrovert, who loves nothing more than being the centre of attention, then you are probably on the right course. But there are a many people who will object strongly to the notion of turning an intimate and romantic moment into a public spectacle, and mistakenly doing so could turn the whole occasion sour. A proposal should reflect the personality and style of the bride (or groom)-to-be: getting it right and correctly judging the ideal circumstances for this important ritual is a significant test that all suitors must face.
If you are determined to make your declaration in public, think very carefully about the occasion you choose. There have been well-documented examples of hapless suitors popping the question on occasions when their partner is taking centre stage (a birthday party, graduation, performance etc). A proposal in these circumstances looks very much like an egregious attempt to upstage the bride (or groom) and may very well be greeted with dismay or resentment.
It is to be hoped that suitors who are planning elaborate extravaganzas have reasons to be fully confident they will be accepted – perhaps they have already floated the idea of marriage and had an encouraging response. Making a public proposal is highly coercive: if there are any doubts about accepting it is extremely hard to manifest them in front of a marching band, fireworks, or a huge crowd of champagne-swilling, camera-wielding friends and family. Nobody wants to embark on an engagement feeling that they have been pressurised into acquiescence.
Above: Popping the Question, lithograph by Sarony & Major, 1846
Reciprocity – the notion that we pay back what we have received from others – underpins many of our social interactions. The currency of this transaction can be extremely diverse, ranging from comparatively trivial favours, loans and hospitality to much more substantial acts of friendship, such as providing care during an illness or helping someone to move house.
Whatever the nature of the gesture, it is generally acknowledged that one good turn deserves another and that social bonds are strengthened by countless acts of reciprocity. It is therefore important that we are attuned to the obligations of reciprocity and are not found wanting – being neglectful of these social obligations can be the reason for many a failed friendship and can ultimately lead to social ostracism.
One of the main social stumbling blocks when it comes to this type of exchange is the notion that a favour that is freely given, with no strings attached, must be matched with something that is of equal value. This misconception can lead to many instances of social awkwardness. It is perfectly normal for a friend who is wealthier, or luckier than you, to make a generous gesture towards you that cannot possibly be equally reciprocated. But that should never stop you from accepting the generosity; instead, you should think of creative ways of ‘repaying’ the debt. If, for example, a friend lends you a holiday home, then you could stock their store cupboard with delicious items from the local deli, or home-made chutneys, or leave half a dozen bottles of well-chosen wine. As long as it looks as if you have thought carefully about your gesture (even if it is a small one), your friend will be more than satisfied. Sometimes, just hand-writing an effusive thank-you letter or sending a well-chosen card with a handwritten personal message, is sufficient.
It is always possible to find ways of repaying generosity, even if you choose not to spend money. Offering the gift of your time or a helping hand (DIY, gardening, cooking, childcare etc) will be appreciated. Being available to help a friend through a crisis, to listen and to provide support and advice is invaluable.
Inevitably, you will know some people who are inveterate socialisers, who love hosting events, operate an open-door policy and always welcome guests to their home. You might find it is impossible, or undesirable, to keep up with their level of conviviality, but it is important that you appear to be trying. There is no rule that hospitality is always reciprocated on a tit for tat basis (although many people choose to operate in this way), but it is important that you are, within reason, willing to offer return invitations. You might not be matching your host invite for invite, but at least you are opening your doors and endeavouring to pay them back.
You will need to be the judge of what is reasonable. You may theorise that a formal dinner is an acceptable return for two or three informal lunches, and a very sociable friend may well agree that this is a perfectly adequate arrangement. The important thing is not to turn into a person who is always taking hospitality and never giving. There are always ways of offering reciprocal hospitality: even if you are a lousy cook who is constitutionally incapable of holding a decent dinner party, you can still repay your friends’ generosity by inviting them out to dinner, or taking them to the theatre, opera etc. They will understand that this is your way of repaying their hospitality and will be satisfied.
Reciprocity isn’t just about actually doing things for one another, it’s also about being aware of other people, paying attention to them, answering their texts, calls and emails and ensuring that communication is two-sided.
We’ve all had friends who are bad communicators, who let texts and emails languish unanswered, who never initiate contact. The easy back and forth of effective communication is just not attainable with people like this and you will have to decide how much non-responsiveness you can tolerate.
Given that, overall, most people hate being ignored, strive to be a good responder. The best option is to answer all communications in a timely manner (this is also an excellent policy professionally). If you’re not always reliable about responding, try and keep an internal tally of the contacts you have initiated over the last few weeks. If you have not heard from someone in a while, accept that you might be the one who is at fault because you have not reacted to their last communication.
Nobody wants to be the person who is always (virtually) knocking at their friends’ doors, seeking them out, making suggestions for meeting and so on. Don’t relegate your friends to this frustrating position: ensure that you are also an initiator. Otherwise, you might well jeopardise the balance of your relationships, turning your friends into supplicants and making yourself the elusive power-wielder. This is unlikely to end well.
While some friends bounce invitations, visits, communications and favours back and forth with clockwork regularity, it’s important to recognise that everyone is different and the ties that bind us are not always so clear-cut. Some of us have friends who disrupt these stately patterns: they are chaotic or unpredictable, they are going through a life stage that is all-consuming (eg new parenthood), they are impulsive improvisers or entrenched procrastinators. If you know them well, you will recognise these characteristics and, while you may occasionally find them frustrating, you will tolerate them and accommodate their peculiarities.
If a friend who is normally responsive appears to go to ground, don’t jump immediately to the most paranoid conclusion, and theorise that you have been dropped or rejected. Accept the possibility that the friend is dealing with a personal crisis or is overwhelmed by conflicting demands. You might also consider that the non-reciprocity has a more troubling root – something might have gone wrong, and your friend might be in need of help. Always play safe and approach this issue tentatively (“Is everything okay? I haven’t heard from you for ages”), rather than going in with all guns blazing.
The regular give and take of friendship is an effective way of sustaining social relationships, but sometimes it’s a good idea simply to give to strangers and acquaintances without the expectation of any payback. Giving money to homeless people or buskers, volunteering, sitting on committees, freely offering your services as a driver, shopper or caterer, are all altruistic gestures. You may not receive a tangible return, but you will feel better about yourself.
