Public proposals have been in the news recently. These can range from the suitor who proposes in a public place in front of strangers – going down on bended knee in a crowded restaurant, for example – to people who plan huge extravaganzas, deploying flash mobs, skywriters and casts of thousands.
We have been puzzling over the ways in which the marriage proposal has evolved since the Victorian era. Etiquette guides from the 19th century are, unsurprisingly, adamant that a marriage proposal should be a private matter between the couple. In fact, managing to get a potential bride on her own during this era of chaperones and watchful mothers, was often the first hurdle a young gentleman faced:
“When about to take this step, the suitor’s first difficulty is how to get a favourable opportunity; and next, having got the chance, how to screw his courage up to give utterance to the ‘declaration’. We have heard of a young lover who carried on a courtship for four months ere he could obtain a private interview with his lady-love. In the house, as might be expected, they were never left alone; and in a walk a third party always accompanied them. In such a dilemma, ought he to have unburdened his heart of its secret through the medium of a letter? We say not. A declaration in writing should certainly be avoided where the lover can by any possibility get at the lady’s ear. But there are cases where this is so difficult that an impatient lover cannot be restrained from adopting the agency of a billet-doux in declaring his passion.”
Routledge’s Manual of Etiquette, London, 1860
Once the lady’s attention was secured, the Etiquette manuals agree that they cannot offer proscriptive advice about the actual wording of the proposal, although they are adamant that the answer given should be definitive, with no mock-refusals:
“We shall make no attempt to prescribe a form for ‘popping the question’. Each must do it in his own way; but let it be clearly understood and admit no evasion. A single word ‘Yes’, on the lady’s part, will suffice to answer it. If the carefully studied phrases which you have repeated so many times and so fluently to yourself, will persist in sticking in your throat and choking you, put them correctly and neatly on a sheet of the finest notepaper, enclosed in a fine but plain white envelope, seal it handsomely with wax, address it carefully, and find some way to convey it to her hand. The lady’s answer should be frank and unequivocal, revealing briefly and modestly her real feelings and consequent decision.
If a lady finds it necessary to say ‘No’ to a proposal, she should do it in the kindest and most considerate manner, so as not to inflict unnecessary pain; but her answer should be definite and decisive, and the gentleman should at once withdraw his suit. If ladies will say ‘No’; when they mean ‘Yes’ to a sincere and earnest suitor, they must suffer the consequences.”
How to Behave: A Pocket Manual of Etiquette, and Guide to Correct Personal Habits, London, 1856
When it came to spreading the news of the engagement, or making it public, the advice is uncompromisingly repressive:
“If it is properly anybody’s business to know that you love each other, and propose to be married, let formal notice be served accordingly; but to the great mass there need be nothing in the shape of an advertisement.”
Beeton’s Manners of Polite Society, London, 1875
It seems a long way from the discreet manners of our ancestors, with their finely-developed sense of discretion and privacy, to the zany antics of today. For the Victorians there was a clear divide between the domestic social sphere and public life, and the notion of behaviour that was essentially self-publicising was complete anathema. Personal reputation was all-important, and any behaviour that broke the strict bonds of convention and taboo could jeopardise it. The business of courtships and proposals belonged strictly to “private life”, and it was universally understood that these domestic arrangements were to be negotiated with the utmost discretion and lack of fanfare.
The barriers between public and private worlds have dissolved today and increasingly we are opting to live in the public sphere. Many of us post compulsively about our lives on social media, and – to provide ever-more fodder for our followers we feel compelled to stage manage our stories, setting up locations, inviting a supporting cast, set-dressing and dramatizing even our most intimate moments. All these tendencies have led to ever-more elaborate and attention-grabbing public proposals.
As the Victorian etiquette manuals pointed out, there is no right or wrong way to propose. But you should think carefully before going public. Will your partner be completely on-board with your plans? If you are proposing to an ebullient extrovert, who loves nothing more than being the centre of attention, then you are probably on the right course. But there are a many people who will object strongly to the notion of turning an intimate and romantic moment into a public spectacle, and mistakenly doing so could turn the whole occasion sour. A proposal should reflect the personality and style of the bride (or groom)-to-be: getting it right and correctly judging the ideal circumstances for this important ritual is a significant test that all suitors must face.
If you are determined to make your declaration in public, think very carefully about the occasion you choose. There have been well-documented examples of hapless suitors popping the question on occasions when their partner is taking centre stage (a birthday party, graduation, performance etc). A proposal in these circumstances looks very much like an egregious attempt to upstage the bride (or groom) and may very well be greeted with dismay or resentment.
It is to be hoped that suitors who are planning elaborate extravaganzas have reasons to be fully confident they will be accepted – perhaps they have already floated the idea of marriage and had an encouraging response. Making a public proposal is highly coercive: if there are any doubts about accepting it is extremely hard to manifest them in front of a marching band, fireworks, or a huge crowd of champagne-swilling, camera-wielding friends and family. Nobody wants to embark on an engagement feeling that they have been pressurised into acquiescence.
Above: Popping the Question, lithograph by Sarony & Major, 1846
Reciprocity – the notion that we pay back what we have received from others – underpins many of our social interactions. The currency of this transaction can be extremely diverse, ranging from comparatively trivial favours, loans and hospitality to much more substantial acts of friendship, such as providing care during an illness or helping someone to move house.
Whatever the nature of the gesture, it is generally acknowledged that one good turn deserves another and that social bonds are strengthened by countless acts of reciprocity. It is therefore important that we are attuned to the obligations of reciprocity and are not found wanting – being neglectful of these social obligations can be the reason for many a failed friendship and can ultimately lead to social ostracism.
One of the main social stumbling blocks when it comes to this type of exchange is the notion that a favour that is freely given, with no strings attached, must be matched with something that is of equal value. This misconception can lead to many instances of social awkwardness. It is perfectly normal for a friend who is wealthier, or luckier than you, to make a generous gesture towards you that cannot possibly be equally reciprocated. But that should never stop you from accepting the generosity; instead, you should think of creative ways of ‘repaying’ the debt. If, for example, a friend lends you a holiday home, then you could stock their store cupboard with delicious items from the local deli, or home-made chutneys, or leave half a dozen bottles of well-chosen wine. As long as it looks as if you have thought carefully about your gesture (even if it is a small one), your friend will be more than satisfied. Sometimes, just hand-writing an effusive thank-you letter or sending a well-chosen card with a handwritten personal message, is sufficient.
It is always possible to find ways of repaying generosity, even if you choose not to spend money. Offering the gift of your time or a helping hand (DIY, gardening, cooking, childcare etc) will be appreciated. Being available to help a friend through a crisis, to listen and to provide support and advice is invaluable.
Inevitably, you will know some people who are inveterate socialisers, who love hosting events, operate an open-door policy and always welcome guests to their home. You might find it is impossible, or undesirable, to keep up with their level of conviviality, but it is important that you appear to be trying. There is no rule that hospitality is always reciprocated on a tit for tat basis (although many people choose to operate in this way), but it is important that you are, within reason, willing to offer return invitations. You might not be matching your host invite for invite, but at least you are opening your doors and endeavouring to pay them back.
You will need to be the judge of what is reasonable. You may theorise that a formal dinner is an acceptable return for two or three informal lunches, and a very sociable friend may well agree that this is a perfectly adequate arrangement. The important thing is not to turn into a person who is always taking hospitality and never giving. There are always ways of offering reciprocal hospitality: even if you are a lousy cook who is constitutionally incapable of holding a decent dinner party, you can still repay your friends’ generosity by inviting them out to dinner, or taking them to the theatre, opera etc. They will understand that this is your way of repaying their hospitality and will be satisfied.
Reciprocity isn’t just about actually doing things for one another, it’s also about being aware of other people, paying attention to them, answering their texts, calls and emails and ensuring that communication is two-sided.
We’ve all had friends who are bad communicators, who let texts and emails languish unanswered, who never initiate contact. The easy back and forth of effective communication is just not attainable with people like this and you will have to decide how much non-responsiveness you can tolerate.
Given that, overall, most people hate being ignored, strive to be a good responder. The best option is to answer all communications in a timely manner (this is also an excellent policy professionally). If you’re not always reliable about responding, try and keep an internal tally of the contacts you have initiated over the last few weeks. If you have not heard from someone in a while, accept that you might be the one who is at fault because you have not reacted to their last communication.
Nobody wants to be the person who is always (virtually) knocking at their friends’ doors, seeking them out, making suggestions for meeting and so on. Don’t relegate your friends to this frustrating position: ensure that you are also an initiator. Otherwise, you might well jeopardise the balance of your relationships, turning your friends into supplicants and making yourself the elusive power-wielder. This is unlikely to end well.
While some friends bounce invitations, visits, communications and favours back and forth with clockwork regularity, it’s important to recognise that everyone is different and the ties that bind us are not always so clear-cut. Some of us have friends who disrupt these stately patterns: they are chaotic or unpredictable, they are going through a life stage that is all-consuming (eg new parenthood), they are impulsive improvisers or entrenched procrastinators. If you know them well, you will recognise these characteristics and, while you may occasionally find them frustrating, you will tolerate them and accommodate their peculiarities.
If a friend who is normally responsive appears to go to ground, don’t jump immediately to the most paranoid conclusion, and theorise that you have been dropped or rejected. Accept the possibility that the friend is dealing with a personal crisis or is overwhelmed by conflicting demands. You might also consider that the non-reciprocity has a more troubling root – something might have gone wrong, and your friend might be in need of help. Always play safe and approach this issue tentatively (“Is everything okay? I haven’t heard from you for ages”), rather than going in with all guns blazing.
The regular give and take of friendship is an effective way of sustaining social relationships, but sometimes it’s a good idea simply to give to strangers and acquaintances without the expectation of any payback. Giving money to homeless people or buskers, volunteering, sitting on committees, freely offering your services as a driver, shopper or caterer, are all altruistic gestures. You may not receive a tangible return, but you will feel better about yourself.
It’s the time of year when new students set out on their university adventure starting, inevitably, with Freshers’ Week. This ritual initiation into university life, when new students meet their contemporaries and explore all the social possibilities – clubs, societies, theatre, sports – that the university has to offer can be very challenging. It is frequently depicted as a sybaritic week of excess, when new students party from dusk to dawn, form unsuitable attachments and generally let rip. But for many students it is a time of deep anxiety when they are beset by feelings of homesickness and inadequacy, and the certainty that they will never, ever survive this new world.
Freshers’ Week is by no means a make-or-break initiation and students who find it daunting and exclusive should never panic that they are going to spend their entire university career feeling lonely and disregarded. For that matter, many of the students who hit the ground running and party like there’s no tomorrow during Fresher’s Week may spend the first few weeks of terms extricating themselves from embarrassing relationships and arduous commitments and seeking more suitable friendships. Remind yourself that it is not inevitably the most confident, gregarious and voluble students who will enjoy the most successful university career.
Freshers’ Week lasts just a few days at the beginning of term and offers a tantalising glimpse of the possibilities that lie ahead. Don’t approach it with unrealistic expectations: making dozens of new friends and turning into a social sensation is a very unlikely outcome of these first few days. The real business of university living is a much quieter affair, a matter of forming friendships with people who share your interests and passions, of meeting compatible companions in the canteen, shop, bar or library, of bonding with your contemporaries over pints of watery beer or endless cups of coffee. Concentrate on sorting yourself out – fixing your room, locating the best places for food, finding the library and lecture halls, sorting out your timetable – and friendships will inevitably come your way.
Above all, remember that everyone is in the same boat. They are all trying to find their feet and carve out a new, independent life. Some people will approach this challenge with verve and confidence, which may well mask deep-seated feelings of anxiety, but that is not the only way to proceed. If you’re a shy and reserved person, don’t pretend to be something you’re not; stay true to yourself and you will inevitably find kindred spirits.
•Be there
Don’t react to the new challenges by withdrawing, shutting yourself in your room, and communing with your laptop – sharing your woes on social media is only going to make you feel worse. Remember that university is a lived experience and force yourself to get out and about on the campus: go to lectures, hang around in the student buttery, stop off at the bar.
•Be a good host
Concentrate in the first few weeks on making your room comfortable and inviting and equip yourself with a kettle, mugs, coffee, tea, biscuits, drinks etc. You will find that friendships develop fast if you operate an open-door policy and show yourself to be ever-willing to invite in fellow students for a drink and a chat.
•Learn to cook
Even if you can only manage half a dozen “signature” dishes, it is a really good idea to have some sort of culinary repertoire before you start university. Cooking for yourself might well be cheaper than university food, and more delicious. More importantly, if you can turn out a competent, edible meal you always have the option of asking new friends round for supper. Getting some new acquaintances around a table with wine and food is a great way of consolidating friendships. It also means you’ll receive invitations in return and will start to build up a social network.
•Learn to say no
Freshers’ Week is just the beginning of the bombardment of possibilities that university offers. You may find yourself signing up for an eccentric and impractical array of clubs and societies, which have little or no relation to your interest or capacities. This is normal, and many students find themselves spending their first few weeks reviewing the aftermath of their initial enthusiasm and disentangling themselves from over-enthusiastic commitments. You will need to get to know yourself and establish what interests or excites you, and part of that process is learning to be selective about how you spend your precious time.
•Think about time management
You’re going to have to juggle lots of new things at university: academic work, organised leisure activities, socialising. This can all be a bit overwhelming when you’ve just left home and you’re experimenting with your new-found independence. The important thing is to try and be objective about your capacities, your energy, your time available, and to make judgments based on these insights. It is a bad idea to take on an array of time-consuming social activities when you’ve got a challenging term academically; understanding how damaging these conflicts can be, and learning how to prioritise, is all part of growing up and running our own life.
•Stay polite and positive
Whoever you are interacting with, whether it is librarians, canteen assistants, lecturers, department secretaries, cleaners, or fellow students, you will find that a positive demeanour and good manners will go a long way. Remember the basic codes: smile as much as possible; always say “Good morning” or “Good afternoon” when you encounter people on campus; if you’re making an enquiry, preface it with “Excuse me”; litter your conversations with “please” and “thank you” where appropriate. You will make the discovery that good manners really do improve social interactions. Other people will be impressed by your politeness and more willing to be patient and helpful, which can only be a good thing when you are finding your feet as an independent young adult.
About 29 per cent of the UK working population has hybrid working arrangements and about 11 per cent are fully home-based. These figures appear to have stabilised over the last year and are driven by employee demand; according to the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development (CIPD) 71 per cent of workers “view flexible working as important to them when considering a new role”.
The advantages of working flexibly are obvious. Commuting, which is costly and bad for the environment, is reduced. Employees are able to manipulate their working day to accommodate other demands on their time, such as childcare or looking after older parents, free from the multiple distractions of noisy, open-plan offices, and productivity and efficiency rises.
But, despite these well-rehearsed arguments, many employers are beginning to revisit their working arrangements and are insisting that employees should return to the office – usually for a minimum number of days (two or three). One reason for this initiative is the fact that many employers are finding it hard to recruit outstanding candidates for new roles, because they are searching in a pool of potential employees who have had very little office experience and who have not had the benefit of picking up skills and experience through a process of osmosis – simply being around more experienced colleagues in the office and observing how they behave. This informal ‘training’ is invaluable and should never be underrated; an individual who is working at home and only interacting with colleagues through video meetings is essentially isolated from office culture and office know-how.
Many recent graduates have never worked in an office. This is because they entered the job market during the Covid pandemic, started their jobs remotely and have since adhered to the home-working model. The result is that, while they are self-motivated and disciplined, they have very little experience of interacting with other people. They have never enjoyed casual encounters in the kitchen or by the water-cooler, have never participated in light-hearted badinage and gossip across the desks in an open-plan office, and have not joined in the camaraderie of shared lunches and after-work drinks. Working alone at home, despite its obvious benefits, has left them feeling adrift and anxious, especially as most of their day-to-day interactions are online or on social media (which can easily engender feelings of inadequacy). Without a sense of connection and belonging, which is fostered by day-to-day office interactions, these new workers are less likely to feel any sense of loyalty or attachment to their current employers and are more likely to move on quickly to new jobs.
The social awkwardness that can be brought on by long periods of isolated working can be crippling, especially for young people. It can impede their ability to interact smoothly with clients or colleagues, it can also impair their career progression – being in an office where you can buttonhole your boss or team leader for some quick advice is a highly effective way of improving your skills and making your presence felt (compare the cumbersome, more formal, process of seeking advice through a remote video call). When you are surrounded by co-workers you can act spontaneously, bounce ideas off colleagues, enjoy impromptu discussions and exchange feedback. Freed from the formal constraints of organised meetings, or the scrutiny of the video screen, you can let rip, floating suggestions and canvassing your colleague’s opinions whenever you feel inspired. A stimulating working environment is much more easily nurtured when people are sharing a physical space and responding to facial expressions and body language as well as the spoken or written word.
Yet, despite these undoubted benefits, many employees are still baulking at the idea of being entirely office-based. They argue, quite understandably, that they are more productive at home because they find offices – with their clatter of half-heard conversations, comings and goings, endless meetings – distracting. When you have become used to the tranquillity of a controlled work environment at home, it is hard to adjust to the hurly-burly of a busy office.
Employers understand enticing employees back to the office might be something of an uphill struggle, and many are offering an ever-more enticing range of perks and inducements to make the prospect more seductive: free lunches, food discounts, free gym membership, language lessons, tax-free childcare and so on.
Clearly the working landscape has changed irrevocably, and we will never go back to the old inflexibility of the 9-5/five days a week model. The genie has been let out of the bottle and the current generation of office workers has tasted the freedom and flexibility of home-based working. The solution must be a compromise: hybrid working, where workers agree to be in the office for a minimum number of days, seems to offer the best solution. It means that employers can still enjoy the long-term benefits of having employees on-site, whilst employees can enjoy the undoubted benefits of the new-found flexibility. It is clear that if employers are unwilling or unable to provide a hybrid working option, they may well find their most talented workers are voting with their feet and are seeking less rigid working arrangements elsewhere.
School term is underway and parents, especially if they have young children, will need to take responsibility for organising and overseeing their kids’ budding social lives. This means, at the very least, inviting friends (or potential friends) round to after-school play dates. This is a comparatively unchallenging introduction to the whole notion of childhood socialising; in time it will evolve into sleepovers, shared outings and even shared holidays.
Play dates can seem daunting, especially if you’re not used to organising them, but they are vital. Young children are, not surprisingly, clueless when it comes to organising a social life and they need a helping hand from responsible adults. The main priority is to lay on a decent tea, organise a pick-up time with the corresponding parents (the normal pattern is for you to pick the kids up from school, and for the other parent to pick up their child from your house, but of course this is not a hard and fast rule), and ensure that plenty of entertainment is available. Try your best to leave the children alone as much as possible and create a warm and welcoming atmosphere.
If your child is invited on a play date be meticulous about punctuality (turn up on time to pick them up), and accept that you must reciprocate, preferably in short order. It’s never a bad idea to give your child a quick manners run-down before they go on a play date: remember to say please and thank you; do what xxxxx’s mum tells you; don’t help yourself to food from the fridge; take off your shoes and/or don’t put your feet on the furniture etc.
Follow these simple recommendations to ensure that play dates go with a swing:
•Share the pick-up
The general assumption is that one parent shouldn’t have to do the pick-up and drop off. So, unless they’re insistent, arrange that you’ll pick up your child – it’s good to show that you’re willing to share the burden of shuttling kids back and forth.
•Think about entertainment
Inevitably the tv will play some part in the afternoon’s activities, but you really don’t want the children to come in from school, slump in front of the television and simply stay there. A play date involves ‘play’, so by all means let them decompress in front of the television for 30 minutes, but then encourage them to do something else. That might mean sorting out some options beforehand: Lego, board games, dressing up box, garden games etc. Have plenty of suggestions to hand.
•Leave them alone
Within reason, leave them to their own devices. Your child will be keen to show a new friend their bedroom, toys etc and they’re much more likely to bond without an adult onlooker. Just be alert to ominous silences…
•Relax your rules
You don’t want to spend the entire afternoon telling off someone else’s child so, within reason, try and be relaxed and flexible about your own rules. You might find their table manners lacking but haranguing them for putting their elbows on the table or holding the fork incorrectly is hardly going to make you, or your child, popular. Don’t let your standards slip completely – it will confuse your own child. If, for example, you find guests helping themselves to food from your fridge or changing your tv channels, and that behaviour is forbidden in your own home, then be firm and insist that they ask you first. Inevitably, some behaviour will just be unacceptably transgressive (eg fighting); in this case, try and intervene in a firm, non-judgmental way and, if possible, use humour to deflect any criticism. You don’t want to get the reputation of being a frightening parent.
•Check out allergies and intolerances
Parents will inevitably keep you fully informed about their children’s dietary needs but double-check beforehand when you’re making the arrangements for the play date – it shows you’re taking it seriously and acting responsibly.
•Check out food fads
At this point you could also check out if the child has any violent likes and dislikes and do your best to accommodate them, within reason. If you are informed that the child has a ridiculously restricted diet, or one that you regard as unhealthy, bite your tongue. This is not the place for missionary zeal and the best you can do is provide the preferred foods (or a version of them), even if you don’t really approve of them.
•Don’t overthink the meal
Accept that, whatever you provide, you may be confronted by a child who stubbornly refuses to eat. Or your child’s friend might obstinately eschew all greens and fruit and healthy options. In these circumstances, it is best to put your own dietary preoccupations aside; don’t insist they “eat up their greens”, as you would with your own child. Just accept their choices and remind yourself you’ve done your best. Provide bread and butter and hope that, if the worst comes to the worst, the child will at least be able to eat that. Remember, no child is going to starve if he/she refuses the food you’re offering. Don’t overcompensate by overloading the children with fizzy drinks, crisps, biscuits and cakes – it will only make them hyper.
Fishfingers or fishcakes
Sausages
Spaghetti Bolognese
Macaroni cheese
Shepherd’s pie
Roast chicken
Homemade burger
Pizza
Corn on the cob
Baked potatoes
Chips
Most people carry smartphones and nearly half the UK population (30.1 million people) use WhatsApp. For many of us, the group chat facility is an invaluable tool, and the speed and convenience of instant text messaging is a great asset. But what about the double tick? WhatsApp provides a handy guide to the status of outgoing messages, indicating that they have been sent by their servers (one grey tick), delivered to the recipient’s device (two grey ticks), and read (two blue ticks). It is the latter facility that is causing anxiety, especially as many WhatsApp users have their ‘online’ status turned on, so paranoid senders can verify that the recipient is online but can also confirm that their message has not been read.
This minor conundrum has led to a new form of social anxiety. People now track the progress of their messages and can compute, in real time, the response lag. A long wait in grey tick land might indicate that the sender is seen as a bore, or a nuisance, or someone who is not prioritised. Some people feel that waiting for their double ticks to turn blue is akin to knocking at a closed, and unanswered door, when you are well aware that the resident is at home and has even glimpsed you through the window. The gap between the holy grail of the double blue tick and the response can now be accurately calibrated, and many people are disappointed to find that there is nothing ‘instant’ about the messaging; they have effectively been pushed to one side or deprioritised and a response is a long time coming.
Of course, these anxieties may very well be ill-founded. The recipient may be someone who checks messages and defers answering them until a more convenient time, or simply a chronic procrastinator who is temperamentally incapable of giving a prompt response to anyone. There may well be good reasons for waiting to reply: the recipient might be awaiting further information, or hoping to hear from a third party etc. It is foolish to immediately leap to the most negative of conclusions.
However, there are ways in which some of these anxieties can be allayed:
•Defer Reading
If you receive a WhatsApp message and you know you won’t have time to reply to it promptly, don’t open it. If you leave it alone, it will register as being ‘unseen’ and the sender won’t worry that their message is being ignored.
•Change your online status
You can always go into your Settings and under ‘Privacy’ you can hide your online status, so that your contacts do not know whether you are available. This might also be a good way of assuaging their anxiety about slow responses.
•Reply promptly
The simplest thing of all is to reply promptly to all messages. It’s polite, it’s responsive and it means there are no troubling lacunae in your communications. Even if you just send a line to say you’ll be replying properly in due course, it will set the sender’s mind at rest, and is therefore considerate behaviour.
•Jettison the ticks
If you feel you’re becoming increasingly neurotic about the whole world of text messaging, it is quite easy to turn off the blue ticks by going to your Privacy settings and turning off “Read receipts”. This radical solution may well be simplest way of easing any paranoia about ignoring or being ignored. Like much new technology, the ticks provide a useful function, but they are not universally appreciated or needed, and if they don’t work for you, the best decision is to tailor the app to your own communication style.
•Resist the temptation to hound recipients
It can be tempting to bombard obdurate recipients, especially if they are advertised as being online, with “Are you there?” or “I need an answer” messages. This can very soon look frantic or desperate and might very well drive your interlocutor underground. If you feel compelled to chase up non-replies, it might be better to choose a different medium, such as a text or email, and then to innocently ask “I wonder if you got my WhatsApp message?”
•Switch to voice message
If you really do need an answer and you’re getting increasingly frustrated, you could always send a voice message in WhatsApp and suggest that the recipient replies in kind. You can say, at the beginning of your own voice message, that you are using this medium because it’s quicker and simpler, especially if everyone is very busy.
•It’s not you it’s me!
If you are experiencing some persistent non-replies to your messages, it might be time to look at your own messaging style. Are your messages too frequent? Are they too vague? Are they passive-aggressive or just outright confrontational? It’s quite possible that you’re not getting replies because you’re not communicating politely or effectively, and your recipients would rather go to ground than engage in a rapid-fire dialogue with you. We’re all busy and under pressure, so long, rambling messages may well fill some recipients with despair. If you need a response from your recipients, try and ask pithy questions, which can simply be answered in the affirmative or negative. Work hard to write texts that are quick to read, easy to understand, concise and comprehensible; you may well find that they rarely languish unanswered.
Four-letter words, previously considered dire obscenities, are increasingly part of everyday speech. We’re all swearing more and, unsurprisingly, the more our language is peppered with swear words, the more tolerant we become. In 2020 the broadcasting regulator Ofcom reported that complaints about swearing had halved in five years; in the following year, anti-swearing complaints accounted for just one per cent of the total.
Scientists agree that swearing can increase sweating and raise heart rate. They also attest that it has the magic power of boosting the tolerance of pain, while reducing the perception of pain (unsurprisingly, swearing is a natural reaction to many painful household accidents). Its disinhibiting power can allow us to discard feelings of restraint and self-control and, as such, it can be liberating. It can be used to express rage and aggression; in many cases a few expletives can discharge angry feelings, preventing a descent into actual violence.
Increasingly, swearing is used freely in everyday speech to express irritation, incredulity, disappointment or despair. It can also be used to add emphasis or reinforce a statement. The profanities are not directed at other people, but at situations or events that have proved to be challenging or overwhelmingly frustrating. Used in this way, swear words are becoming more tolerated: earlier this year an employment judge, who was hearing a case of unfair dismissal, ruled that the use of the phrase “I don’t give a f***” in a tense meeting was “commonplace” and did not carry the “shock value” that it would have done in times gone by.
In addition, words that were previously considered offensive or obscene are now often being used as punctuation, a drearily repetitive interjection in the most banal of sentences. As with many filler words (‘um’, ‘ah,’ ‘like’, ‘you know’), the user is barely conscious that they are using them; to the listener they come across as irritating interruptions, making the user sound inarticulate. In the case of filler swear words, however, some listeners might also find the repetitive, unthinking use of them quite offensive, especially if they are from an older generation that regarded these words as taboo.
It would be a mistake, however, to conclude that swearing is now universally accepted and tolerated, and it is advisable to try and develop some self-consciousness when it comes to deploying abusive language. It’s all about context. In some workplaces, social groups or families, swearing is the norm: words that would have made our grandparents blanche are thrown about with cheerful disinhibition and, because that is the prevailing atmosphere, offence is not taken. Even if you are not a frequent swearer yourself, you should try to adjust to this environment, make concessions, and ignore the bad language. If you find it intolerable, you should politely raise your concerns, pointing out that it is making you feel “very uncomfortable”. This complaint might introduce an element of self-consciousness into the inveterate swearers; of course, there is a risk that they will simply see you a priggish and over-sensitive.
In a work context, you need to be careful. While swearing might be part of the office culture, you should be cautious about using four-letter words when you are talking to bosses or management. In any situation where there is a clear hierarchy, people near the top of the tree feel that their position means that they should command respect. It is still quite common to find swearing indicative of disrespect and it is therefore risky to use profanities when you are interacting with someone who has a higher status.
Public figures who should command respect – politicians, judges, broadcasters etc – should avoid swearing when they are in a public forum. They are expected to adhere to higher standards than the rest of us and, as such, their lapses into demotic need to be very carefully controlled – no public figure wants to find themselves being beeped out on the nightly news. More importantly, if people in the public eye use swear words they come across as intemperate and out of control, which will damage their reputation. It is much more effective to manifest icy, well-articulated anger and disappointment when a challenging situation arises.
If you are a parent and you find that your children have picked up the swearing habit and are really running with it, now is the time to intervene. Of course, swearing will be rife amongst their peer group and the chances of excising the bad language are very small. But at least you can drum some notion of context into their heads. When they swear in front of you, pick up on it; when they’re off to visit their grandparents, warn them that older people might find their language offensive. You could even make a family project of reducing swearing: admit that you’d like to improve your language as well and introduce a swear box, where offenders pay a small cash penalty. The most important thing is to make them aware of what they are saying, to alert them to the fact that it is potentially distasteful, and to point out that the habit might well be detrimental when they move into the world of work.
In general, think before you swear and don’t allow yourself to become a swearing automaton who can barely distinguish acceptable from offensive language. Be alert to context and always assess new situations before you unleash your worst language. If you judge the situation to be antithetical to disinhibited swearing, but then lose your concentration and lapse into obscenities, apologise immediately (“please excuse my bad language”) and you will avoid giving offence.
The digital revolution has transformed our access to each other and, as we acquire ever more tablets, laptops, mobiles and wearable smartwatches, many of us feel permanently monitored, reachable and on-call. Technology has broken down the conventional barriers between work life and home life and opened the floodgate to an alarming new world of round-the-clock availability.
With limitless availability there comes an expectation that working round the clock, pulling all-nighters, responding to emails in the early hours of morning and calling colleagues at the weekend are all positive signs of extreme dedication and productivity. But scientists argue that the opposite is true: the more the barriers between work and play dissolve, the more our stress levels rise and the more liable we are to burn-out, exhaustion and poor performance. The relentless culture of 24/7 working is proving to be counterproductive. Workaholics beware…
Many people who claim they do not work around the clock operate instead in the twilight world of being “on call”. They may claim that they are not actually working at certain times of the day, but they are in fact poised and ready to leap into action as soon as they receive a notification on their phone, ready to troubleshoot if there is a midnight crisis, willing to drop whatever they’re doing and switch into professional mode. This half-life is probably the worst option of all because it means that they can never detach fully from work and do not experience the time when they are notionally away from work as being their own.
In addition, different time zones play havoc with workers’ schedules, as there is an expectation that they will make themselves available for conference calls and so on with colleagues who are based in different continents. Where once, communication between geographically distant colleagues would have been restricted to easily managed emails, video calls and conferences are now an option, and many people feel they must accommodate these requirements, even if it means staying up until after midnight or getting up at the crack of dawn.
Remote working has compounded these difficulties, as the divisions between home and work life are porous and workers may feel that they need to demonstrate endless availability to justify the comparative freedom and flexibility of working from home. But office workers are also not immune from this new plague. Even though their hours of work might be well-defined, there is frequently still an expectation that they are reachable “after hours”.
We all need to secure a healthy balance between our home and family life and our workaday world, so follow these recommendations to beat the 24/7 pressure:
•Set fixed work hours
It is always a good idea to set fixed work hours. This means deciding on your office hours and communicating them to the wider world. You could add them too your website and/or spell them out on your email footer. Making them clear will discourage out-of-hours calls. If you have international colleagues or clients, there will obviously be exceptions to these rules, but you can negotiate contact separately (and keep quiet about it).
•Don’t count the hours
You might find it helpful to move to a task-orientated working week (this is particularly applicable to remote workers). Instead of following the old-fashioned notion of “clocking in” to work, you should set yourself a number of weekly tasks that need to be completed. You may find that you complete your tasks in record time, in which case you will have more leisure. On other occasions you may find you have under-estimated, and you will need to put in some extra hours. But it is swings and roundabouts and probably evens out over time. In addition, if you adhere to this working practice, you will be able to enjoy a weekly sense of achievement.
•Schedule your week
Start each week by planning out the days in detail. That means going through each day on an hour-by-hour basis and allocating a time block for each task. It also means setting out periods of time when you’re not working, when you can enjoy family time, have lunch with friends, exercise etc. Build in some “contingency time” in case something unexpected crops up, which will ensure that you don’t impinge on your leisure time. Adhere to your timetable.
•Learn to unplug
Smartphones are fatal because they keep us plugged in to the world of work and very few of us can resist the siren call of their notifications. Given that checking your phone every few minutes is an addiction for most of us, it is a good idea to give yourself the radical challenge of switching off the phone (or turning off notifications) for certain periods of the day. Think about when you least want to be on call – perhaps it’s the children’s bedtime, or when you’re cooking and eating dinner, or streaming movies in the evening – and make it a habit to unplug. Unless your job requires immediate responses (eg you’re a doctor on call or a duty solicitor), this strategy will not have earth-shattering consequences and will buy you a measure of peace and tranquillity.
•Consider others
Even if you’re a driven, 24/7 workaholic, who thinks nothing of sitting at your computer in the wee small hours or slaving away on a summer’s weekend, you need to think about other people before you make demands of them. As you reach for your phone or open your email, teach yourself to pause for a moment. Look at the clock: is it after 6pm or before 9am? These are usual working hours, (although of course some people choose earlier starts and later finishes) and should always be your default notion of when it is appropriate to call. If you have considered the time, but still judge that it is urgent to speak to a colleague after-hours, don’t take their time for granted. Start the call by acknowledging that you’re aware it’s late (or early) and apologise for the inconvenience.
The summer holidays are nearly over and it’s time to contemplate sending your children back to school. The last few days of the holidays are a good time to prepare for the coming term: children respond well to routines and rituals and feel much more comfortable when they know what to expect. Here are some constructive ways in which you can prepare for the start of the school year:
•Work on a good sleeping routine
The holidays will inevitably have been disruptive – children will have had sleepovers, gone to stay with relatives, gone on holiday, or simply been allowed to stay up late. Now is the time to ensure that they’re well rested and have plenty of energy for the weeks ahead, so start to introduce a sensible weekday bedtime and reinstate relaxing bedtime rituals, like baths, book-reading and storytelling.
•Get meals back on track
Much like disrupted sleeping, holidays can be murderous when it comes to healthy eating. Children are given endless snacks and treats, there are lots of meals out, regular mealtimes are disrupted by holiday activities. Now is the time to get your child back into a sensible eating routine. Agree on a healthy breakfast and ensure that they get up early enough to enjoy it and try to provide a regular evening meal at the same time each evening. If your child has a packed lunch, think about ways in which you can smuggle healthy options into the lunchbox, so that you don’t fall back on sugar-filled snacks.
•Get everything ready
Most children enjoy acquiring items for their new school year, such as pencil cases, school bags and lunch boxes. You will probably also have to buy new items of school uniform for fast-growing children. Encourage young children to try on the uniform so they do not get anxious about awkward buttons and zips. Getting all these items in the days before the school term starts is a good way of introducing the reality of the new school term to your child.
•Talk to your child
In the few days before school begins, talk to your child about the upcoming term. Ask them what they’re looking forward to and try to find out what is worrying them, if anything. Reassure them that you’ll be on hand and that it’s your job to make sure their school life is successful and fulfilling.
•Revive friendships
It’s quite possible that schoolfriends have not been around much during the summer holidays and now is the time to get in contact with their parents and suggest a play date. If they see each other before the term starts, they will be able to rejuvenate their friendship and your child will be reassured by their presence at school.
•Reassure anxious children
Sometimes children experience real anxiety in the run-up to school, so it can be a good idea to walk them past the school building, talk to them about the morning routine, explain how drop-offs and pick-ups will work. It will help them to know that you’ve got it all under control.
•Prepare the night before
It really helps allay children’s anxiety if you prepare everything the night before, especially on the first day of term. That means getting the school uniform ready, packing the school bag, assembling lunch boxes. Even laying the table for breakfast is a reassuring sight.
•Manage your own anxiety
Sending children off to school (especially for the first time) is an important rite of passage for most parents. Gradually easing them into independence is the goal, but it is all too easy to be smothering and over-anxious. Work hard at appearing robust and positive and don’t make too much of a fuss about what a big step your child is undertaking – this will stir up emotions (both yours and your child’s), whereas what you really need to do is to normalise the whole experience so that they take it in their stride.
• Turn up for regular meetings with the teacher. Pleading that you’re ‘too busy’ to discuss your child’s progress will be a real black mark against you.
• Always respond to any requests that come from the school, and promptly (double-check that you’re on any relevant WhatsApp groups for your child’s class and look out for emails from the school).
• Always turn up for end of term concerts, school plays, carol services etc. Your child will care desperately if you don’t attend.
• Give a little time to the school – it may be manning a stall at the school fete, putting together a newsletter in the evenings, or helping out on a school trip.
•Try your best to answer all appeals for help from the school - be it for cash contributions, food for the harvest festival, old clothes for school plays, gifts for a sister school in Africa.
•Never storm into the school at the end of the day and berate your child’s teacher. If you have a concern, always make an appointment.
•Never embarrass your child in front of his/her fellow pupils or teacher. Behaviour that is acceptable in the privacy of your own home may be absolutely mortifying in a school context.
Eating out these days can be an expensive treat and it is understandable that customers expect to be well treated and looked after. However, paying for a meal never entitles restaurant diners to be rude, and there are many ways in which inconsiderate and thoughtless behaviour can really mar the restaurant experience, both for yourself and for other diners. Take a look at our restaurant recommendations to ensure that you will never give offence:
•Research beforehand
These days it’s so easy to quickly check out a restaurant online before committing to it. That way, you will be able to see sample menus and you can decide if it’s offering you a suitable type of food and price range. It would be foolish to invite a vegan to a restaurant that proudly trumpets its meaty credentials. By the same token, researching beforehand will ensure that you’re not completely floored by the prices and forced to order a tiny meal because you can’t afford a main course.
•Respect the Menu
The menus are there for a reason. They represent the food that the restaurant is offering, reflecting the availability of seasonal ingredients and the chef’s particular skills and specialities. You should therefore confine yourself to ordering from the menu, unless – because of allergies or intolerances – you need to substitute or withhold one particular ingredient. Asking for something that is not featured on the menu at all is not a display of power or rugged individuality, it is simply rude and over-demanding.
•Adhere to the Booking
If you’ve booked a table for eight at 9pm it is understandably disruptive to turn up at 10pm with a party of twelve. Whilst most restaurants will do their utmost to accommodate you (it’s in their interests after all), you are being extremely inconsiderate. They may well have to juggle numbers, re-allocate seats to other diners, move tables around. And if you’re over 45 minutes late you really can’t expect busy restaurants to hold your table – they quite understandably will assume you’re not coming and be anxious to reassign the table. It’s always best to communicate changes of plan by phone, or to send an email message. Finally, if you’ve booked a table outside and the evening is less than balmy, you do not have an automatic right to be moved inside. There may well not be room, and you have made your choice at your own risk.
•Never be a no-show diner
If you book, you should turn up. If you can’t do so, you should cancel beforehand. It’s extremely rude to just ignore your booking and go elsewhere – restaurants plan for a certain number of diners each evening and may even have turned other people away to accommodate you. By the same token, if you have booked for a large party and have ended up with half your planned number, let the restaurant know beforehand. They will appreciate the opportunity to re-allocate tables and may be able to accommodate more walk-up diners.
•It’s a restaurant not a studio
We all know that some diners feel compelled to post pictures of every meal on Instagram, but if you’re going to take pictures, do so discreetly and don’t disturb other diners or get in the way of busy waiters. Standing up and walking around the table to get the perfect bird’s eye view of your plate, or fiddling around with the lighting so your meal is sufficiently illuminated can immediately disrupt an atmosphere of candlelit serenity.
•Don’t muddle up dislikes and intolerances
While it’s perfectly acceptable to flag up allergies and intolerances when you’re booking a table or when you arrive in a restaurant, it is extremely irritating if you confuse “intolerance” (an inability to digest certain types of food) with simply disliking certain foods. This tendency is particularly irksome when a person who has decreed that they have an intolerance undergoes a change of heart at the restaurant, tucking into the delicious home-cooked bread (despite a supposed gluten intolerance), and being tempted by the home-made ice-cream (even though they made a fuss about being lactose intolerant). Restaurants take real allergies and intolerances very seriously and may find making meals that adhere to these restrictions creates a lot of extra work. Being messed around by people who are merely experimenting with dietary fads is a real waste of time.
•Communicate with your waiter
A successful restaurant meal involves establishing a congenial relationship with your waiter. The best way to do this is to talk to the waiter directly, ask polite questions, seek advice or explanations. If you’ve finished your bottle of wine, signal your waiter to bring another, don’t put your empty bottle upside-down in the wine-cooler – a peremptory gesture that might be overlooked. If you’re getting fretful because your meal is taking a long time to arrive, make polite enquiries. You will have a much better evening if you talk directly to your waiters, make courteous requests, and don’t expect them to anticipate your every need.
