“Neither a borrower nor a lender be, For loan oft loses both itself and friend.”
William Shakespeare
We’ve all, at some time or other, borrowed something from a close friend or family member. But have we given it back? Borrowing is a risky business: at the frivolous end of the spectrum a friend who asks to borrow a much-coveted item of clothing or a book that you have recommended is both flattering you (you have excellent taste, and your possessions are desirable) and effectively asking you how much you trust them. It is awkward to refuse these requests, but before lending anything you should steel yourself to the very real possibility that you will not get it back. If you cannot countenance such a thought, but feel unhappy about refusing, then you will need to upfront and unemotional about your terms and conditions: “Yes you can borrow my coat, but I need it back by next weekend as I’m wearing it to the wedding” etc.
All too often the borrower fully intends to return the item but forgets to do so and gradually assimilates it into their stock of possessions. As time goes on, there is a growing feeling of embarrassment about returning it and admitting that it has been overlooked. The lender, meanwhile, feels petty about reminding the borrower, a feeling that also grows with time and – as a result – the item is never returned. Ultimately this behaviour, which is apparently innocuous, can erode trust in a friendship and, if it happens frequently, can be destructive, so it is always sensible to resist open ended borrowing and to say, at the outset, “I would like it back ….”. Undoubtedly, it’s more liberating to give something, rather than to lend it, if you possibly can. Then it is within your control to eliminate the sense of obligation and move on.
When it comes to money, the whole question becomes more highly charged. Of course, small sums of money are lent and borrowed on an everyday basis, with no ill effect. We’ve all forgotten our wallet, or come out without cash, or only have a £20 note etc. On these occasions, a friend will willingly step in, and the general understanding is that the favour will be returned, and it will all even out in the end. There is an implicit element of trust in this behaviour, a belief that both sides of the transaction will note it and ensure that there is reciprocity. If one friend is always “short of change” or seems to have permanently “forgotten my debit card” then they will gradually erode trust. The lender will begin to feel irritated, and their irritability will be considerably compounded by a feeling of pettiness (who quibbles over a cup of coffee or a bus fare?). But that is the trouble with borrowing and lending: its impact is cumulative and eventually, if the transaction is always one-sided, it can cause fractures in friendships because one friend is always the hapless giver and the other is a remorseless taker.
When it comes to loans of larger sums, beware. If a friend or family member approaches you for a substantial loan, you can be pretty sure that you are a last resort: they have been unable to obtain the loan by more conventional means (banks, building societies etc). This indicates that they are probably in a precarious state financially and may well not be able to pay you back. You will also feel obligated to charge little or no interest and may well find yourself out of pocket. For all these reasons you need to think of the loan as a gift and accept that you will probably never see the money again. It is therefore of paramount importance that you only lend an amount you are happy to part with.
Ask yourself if agreeing to a loan is encouraging or enabling irresponsible behaviour. Given that this kind of request is generally a last resort it is likely that the person you are dealing with is not a good money-manager, possibly an extravagant over-spender or even someone with a money-guzzling addiction, such as online gambling (of course you should not discount the possibility that they are dealing with an unanticipated crisis). Lending them money forces you into a position where you are monitoring their expenditure, hyper-aware of extravagance, puzzled by sudden shortfalls. Do you want to have that role in their lives? If you are lending money to your grown-up children, you may find that your acts of generosity are actually impacting them negatively, and ensuring that they will never be incentivised to develop good saving and money management habits.
You may well feel that you do not have enough money to accede to a loan request. Technically, of course, you may have the required sum in your bank account, but most of us like to have a well-stocked contingency fund, which will be indispensable if there is an emergency illness, job loss or other unforeseen circumstance. It is alarming to be put into a position where you feel obligated to forego that buffer and it is probably inadvisable to do so.
If you are asked for a substantial loan, you should, or course, always agree a re-payment schedule at the outset. Ideally, the borrower will set up a standing order on the very day of the loan. Even if it’s for a tiny amount each month, the message will be clear: there is an intention to eventually pay back the loan, not to view it as a gift in all but name. But what happens if borrowers fall behind in their payments? As a lender, you will then find yourself in the unenviable position of having to confront them about the default. These conversations can be extremely awkward, especially if you are dealing with someone who has backed themselves into a financial cul-de-sac and is panicking.
What is the impact of a loan that is clearly never going to be repaid? You may well have tired of asking and negotiating and accepted that the money has effectively gone. Your friend or family member has reneged on their agreement and the trust between you has evaporated. Every time you see them, you will be reminded of the outstanding loan. If they appear to be enjoying their lives – eating out, going on holiday etc – you may well feel that you have unwillingly subsidised them. On one level, being the lender has given you power over the borrower (you have money and they do not, and they are obligated to you), but their failure to pay you back has disenfranchised you – all you can do is simmer with resentment and feel aggrieved. The borrowers may well steer clear of you because they cannot deal with all the supercharged negative emotions the loan has engendered. What was once a firm friendship or loving family relationship has now acquired a ton of emotional baggage.
If you are asked for a loan by a friend or family member you face a conundrum. If you lend them money you may destroy the relationship, but if you refuse to help them in their hour of need (they have presumably pursued other options) then you may also lose the relationship. The only solution to all these difficulties is to discuss them openly beforehand and to draw up a detailed payment plan with dates and targets. Talk honestly about the implications of the loan and admit that you’re worried that introducing money into your relationship may tear it apart. Offer to help with their budgeting and advise them on their financial arrangements. Break the taboo about discussing money and personal finance and confront the situation head-on. And never lend more than you can comfortably afford…
Congratulations to the Lionesses, who have reached the World Cup final. There have been scenes of jubilation at public viewings across the nation and there is a growing sense of excitement about the deciding match on Sunday morning.
We have observed a thoroughly successful World Cup tournament with interest. The behaviour of the fans has been exemplary. The matches have drawn on an extremely varied demographic, whose main aim seems to be to have a thoroughly good time supporting their team, displaying their national allegiance (costumes, fancy dress and make-up abound) and – more importantly – to meet and mingle with opposition fans in perfect friendship and harmony.
Throughout the tournament, fans have praised the “family-friendly” atmosphere, the feelings of inclusivity and acceptance, and the civilised and courteous behaviour of all concerned. They have remarked that they feel much less daunted by women’s football than men’s, where they have witnessed fierce partisanship, taunting and jeering behaviour, and actual physical violence. Drugs and alcohol are not an issue at these games, and violent and abusive behaviour is nowhere to be seen.
Not surprisingly, this affable fan behaviour is a reflection of on-pitch manners (with a handful of notorious exceptions). Studies have shown that women football players commit less fouls and are much less prone to testosterone-fuelled tantrums when they have been the victim of a foul – scientists have proved that they actually spend less time lying on the pitch, histrionically writhing in supposed pain.
At the end of their matches, their behaviour towards the opposition team is warm and effusive and players tend to remain on the pitch for a considerable amount of time interacting with spectators, taking selfies and so on. We are told that they socialise very contentedly with their erstwhile rivals. They radiate delight and gratification at finding themselves in the spotlight, and the objects of so much approbation, scarcely surprising after the long struggle of women’s football for general recognition.
Why have women chosen, on the whole, to eschew the gamesmanship that bedevils the men’s game? We’re all familiar with the fouls, dives, shirt-pulling, time-wasting, as well as the berating of referees and linesmen, the sudden angry spats with opposition players. Clearly this behaviour emerges from a sporting culture where winning is everything, and victory must be achieved, whatever the cost. The pressures on male players are enormous, and the stakes are correspondingly high; they are paid vast sums of money, worshipped by fans, lionised by the media. They are under forensic scrutiny by fans and media alike and are used to experiencing both hero worship and withering contempt.
Nobody would dispute that women football players are powered by a palpable desire to win. But, operating in a much less highly charged arena and in some cases barely earning a living wage, they have managed to retain a certain amount of respect, consideration and humility, which is reflected in both their game and in their followers. It is to be hoped that the women’s game will retain these characteristics and continue to inspire and delight fans in equal measure. Maybe some of the excellent sportsmanship and good spirits that have suffused these World Cup matches will even rub off on male players.
This summer two blockbuster movies, Barbie and Oppenheimer, have drawn large audiences back to the cinema. While cinemas have gradually been attracting more customers since the end of the pandemic, there is little doubt that cinema-going etiquette is in decline. Social media is awash with stories of noisy cinemagoers, disputes between audience members, stand-up fights. As with the theatre, there seems to be a sense that audiences have forgotten how to behave in a public space. We’ve all become used to streaming movies at home, where we can sprawl all over the furniture, eat noisily, chat throughout and keep an eye on our phones. Not surprisingly, when this behaviour is transposed to a cinema it can cause offence and there is a general feeling that we are not showing consideration to other movie fans.
The rules of cinema etiquette are based on straightforward common sense. If you come across someone who is transgressing them – chatting on their phone, talking loudly to their neighbour, shouting at the screen, kicking your seat back etc – you might attempt to politely remonstrate. But if the offender shows every sign of ignoring you, or even escalating their behaviour to provoke you, go straight to the management. They are trained to handle these situations and have the power to throw out the offenders, threaten them with ejection, or move you to another seat.
• Arrive on time
It is fine to come into the cinema during the trailers and adverts, where there is a general acceptance that people are still talking and settling in, but it is annoying if you start squeezing down the rows and blocking the screen after the film has started.
• Be discriminating about saving seats
Many cinemas now allocate seats, but where there is a free-for-all, it is acceptable to save a seat or two for a few minutes while your companions buy refreshments, or if you know that your friend is a few minutes late but will arrive shortly. But saving several seats when the cinema is packed, and seats are at a premium, is never going to be popular and you might find you are confronted by seatless, and irritated, cinemagoers. If you’re going to the cinema with a group of friends it is more considerate to arrive, and take your seats, together.
• Stick to your allotted space
Your ticket entitles you to a seat and, generally, an armrest (there’s no rule about which armrest is rightfully yours, so you might need to politely negotiate with your neighbour). It does not entitle you to dump all your belongings on the adjacent vacant seat or to drape your coat over the back of the seat in front of you, which means the person sitting there cannot lean back. Don’t sprawl and impinge on other people’s space and never kick or interfere with the seat in front.
• Choose your seat carefully
If you’re very tall, it might be helpful if you position yourself towards the rear of the cinema. If you prefer to sit closer to the screen, choose a seat in front of another tall person so you will not obstruct the view of someone who is smaller than you. Remove all headgear. If you fear that you will need to go to the loo during the film, try and secure an aisle seat so that you minimise disruption.
• Turn off your phone
While chatting on the phone, or using audible ringtones, is now considered an obvious offence (with cinemas screening reminders before the film begins), remember that silently scrolling on your phone during the movie is distracting because it will emit a bright light. Taking photos or short videos during movies is also frowned upon. If you don’t want to switch off completely, turn your phone to silent and put it away.
• Eat considerately
Most cinemas ply us with a range of refreshments and rely on these purchases to boost flagging income. Whether you’re delving into a giant bucket of popcorn, noisily sucking up the last dregs of a fizzy drink through a straw, or audibly rustling sweet wrappers, be aware that you might be disturbing near neighbours. Try and reserve your noisiest consumption for passages of the film where the soundtrack will obliterate your munching.
• Minimise talking
It is generally considered fine to whisper the odd comment to your companions, but you can very soon cross the line and become over-garrulous as well as annoyingly audible to people sitting around you. This will inevitably cause irritation, and a very British reaction is to turn around and glare at the offender. If you see someone deploying this technique, accept that you’ve transgressed and concentrate on the movie; do not react by upping the volume and volubility.
• Be child-aware
Most cinemas offer parent and baby showings, and if you have very young children this is the best option – taking a baby into an adult movie is a highly risky business. If your child starts crying you will be the object of disapproval, and you may well find yourself missing much of the movie because you feel forced to take your distressed child outside.
• Take your rubbish
Of course, cinemas employ staff to clear up at the end of each showing, but it is only polite to assist them by taking out empty cups, wrappers and popcorn buckets. Turn-arounds between showings are often very tight, so every little helps.
• No spoilers
It is very tempting, as you stand with your friends in the foyer after the show, to loudly discuss the film you have just seen. Audibly discussing clever plot twists and big reveals, or boisterously denigrating the movie might well put off the audience that is queuing for the next showing. Save your post-show discussions for your after-movie drink or meal.
The holiday season is well under way, prompting some queries about the whole business of going on holiday with friends. Many of us are electing to team up with friends for shared holidays: accommodation is cheaper; self-catering is more alluring if there are plenty of people to help; at its best, a holiday with friends is sociable and offers lots of variety. But there are several obvious traps, which can be avoided if you think about them, and discuss them, before you arrive at your destination:
This is often the first stumbling block when you’re planning a holiday with friends. As a rule, if one person has been responsible for finding a rental property, booking it, paying the deposit and so on, then it would seem fair for them to be rewarded with first choice of room. Of course, this allocation is never inevitable as different groups may have varied requirements: one person might prefer to be in a small, quiet room at the back of the building, rather than the big airy room with huge windows opening on to a noisy seafront; if a couple has a child or baby, they should be given the bigger room; there might also be issues about stairs or access.
If all your claims are equal and you have shared much of the responsibility for booking the accommodation, then you might need to put your heads together before you leave. If there is quite a big discrepancy between the different rooms, it might seem inequitable if rooms are grabbed on a first come first served basis. A possible alternative would be for each guest to draw a number in advance (you can use an online tool) of, for example, 1-6, with number 1 having first choice, 2 second choice etc. Alternatively, you can use an online tool specifically designed for house sharing. That way, rooms will be allocated based on chance, giving everyone an equal opportunity to secure the most desirable rooms.
If the rooms are dramatically different (magnificent master en suite vs cramped back room with bunk beds) it might not be entirely fair for everybody to be paying the same rate. Another way of organising the house would be to divide the rooms into A and B categories, with the As paying more than the Bs (for example 65% as opposed to 35%).
All of these solutions require a little bit of thought, attention and communication. It can feel as if you’re making a mountain out of a molehill beforehand, but it certainly won’t feel trivial when you turn up at the house and find the room allocation inequitable or awkward. It is far better to nip any problems in the bud before you set off.
Money can be a real sticking point on shared holidays, and you really do need to discuss this fully beforehand. Once you have sorted out the accommodation, the main pressure point is eating and drinking. Some people may want to eat out every day, stock up on spirits for early evening cocktails and order vast quantities of wine with every meal. Others might be on a tight budget, regard eating out as a treat and be determined to opt mainly for self-catering, as a cheap alternative. These very different positions look hard to reconcile, but a little bit of forethought and constructive compromise will go a long way.
If you’re at the extravagant end of the spectrum, accept that you cannot have it all your own way: be prepared to go with group wishes when it comes to eating out vs staying in, and if it all seems too niggardly offer to treat the group to a meal out, or to buy stocks of booze for the house.
If you’re worried about money, you need to come clean and say so at the planning stage. Explain that the whole holiday is only affordable to you if self-catering is on offer, but also concede that you don’t want to stand in the way of others’ enjoyment, so if endless unaffordable meals out are the group choice, you’re more than happy to bow out and look after yourself. Make this offer in a positive spirit and do not act like a martyr.
If you are all going out and eating together it is sensible to split restaurant bills equally, or use a communal kitty, and not to spend hours parsing bills and quibbling over what each person ordered. Ultimately, if everyone is self-aware and conscious of inequalities, it should all even out – for example if you’ve really laid into the wine and cocktails at dinner, and some other people have been very abstemious, it is a nice gesture to make up for your transgressions by offering to buy them breakfast or lunch the following day.
These short-term exercises in communal living can be surprisingly challenging. You might find that you’ve landed yourself with a bunch of friends who are night owls, who stay up in the early hours and don’t really get started until midday, while your tendency is to be in bed before midnight and up with the lark. If you’re going on holiday with good friends, you probably know all about these divergences beforehand, but it is a good idea to discuss them at the planning stages. Forewarned is forearmed and the best way of dealing with timetabling anomalies is to go about your own business independently (eg get up when you choose and have an early morning swim and walk before anyone else is about), rather than lurking around the house feeling resentful.
You’re going to be sharing a space with a random group of friends, so it’s important that you are very conscious of your own behaviour and physical impact. In these circumstances, the safe default is to be tidy and self-contained. Keep your belongings out of everyone’s way (preferably in your room), do your fair share of washing up, and leave the bathroom in a pristine state. Even if you are naturally extremely untidy and chaotic, you should work hard to curb these tendencies, as they are much more likely to cause distress and irritation to the group than meticulous tidiness.
At best, being on holiday with an assortment of people will widen your horizons and open you up to new activities and interests. It is always good to approach shared holidays with an open mind, and to be a little experimental and adventurous. If, for example, you haven’t ridden a bike since you were a teenager and there is a suggestion that the group has a day out on hired bikes, you should consider going with the flow – it might be a revelation.
On the other hand, there should be no pressure on group members to participate in activities, and you might have to accept that some members of your party are much more interested in shops, museums and galleries than parasailing and kayaking. If you decide that you want to opt out of activities altogether and elect to spend a day lounging on the beach, of swinging in the hammock back at the holiday house, nobody should argue with your decision.
Again, it is a good idea to discuss these preferences before you leave, so that everyone knows what to expect and resentments don’t build up. The important thing is not to let one individual dominate activity planning – one strong-minded person can make every day feel like a highly organised route march, and that’s not what holidays are about.
It’s that time of year again – very shortly, teenagers all over the country will be receiving their A level results, and families will be awash with a slew of emotions, ranging from delirious excitement to deepest despair. Handling results day is a challenge to adults and teenagers alike, but it can help to remember some basic polite precepts, which might defuse some of the rollercoaster emotions that are about to be unleashed.
• Be attentive
In the run-up to the big day, keep a watchful eye on your teenagers. Make yourself available to them and – if they show any signs of wanting to talk –– make sure you’re accessible and not distracted by work, phones, social media updates and all the other myriad distractions of modern life.
• Offer distractions
The final few days can be purgatorial, so it’s never a bad idea to timetable plenty of activities and ensure that teenagers are out and about and busy. Some of them will find solace with their friends but be aware that some will enjoy being taken outside the hothouse atmosphere of dread and anticipation and will enjoy spending time with younger siblings or older relations. Make open suggestions and take their emotional temperature; don’t present them with a fait accompli.
• Address alternatives
While you don’t want to show any doubts about possible outcomes, which might shatter your teenager’s shaky equanimity, it is always a good idea to subtly raise the possibility that a plan B might be necessary. Try and do this in a positive way, indicating that there are many other possibilities out there and nobody should feel that their life has been irreparably ruined by a poor A level grade.
• Offer practical support
On the day itself, check out how your teenager wants to handle it and make yourself available. They may well have arranged to pick up their grades with their friends, but some teenagers will want to go through the ordeal on their own and may appreciate being given a lift to the school and knowing that you are outside, waiting for them. Make sure you’ve got time to give your teenager on this big day: it might not be necessary, but your emotional support might be vital.
• If it all goes wrong
If the results are disappointing, take it on the chin. Don’t immediately come up with a list of excuses (defective examiners, poor preparation by the school, exam day nerves etc). You really need to help your child to accept reality, and to address their situation in the real world. Immediately remind them about the range of alternatives: clearing, re-sits, apprenticeships, gap year, to name a few. Remember, you are not alone; the school itself is also a great source of support. If the school or course teacher is surprised by the results, then they may well suggest applying for a re-mark – and they can also help with getting in contact with the universities. Remain resolutely positive throughout: do not succumb to the temptation to articulate your own disappointment and never indulge in “I told you so” torment, eg “I told you not to go to that party – you obviously needed to do more revision”.
• Resist comparison
The last thing a disheartened teenager needs is a parent enquiring about how his or her friends fared. When you’re disappointed with your teenager’s results, and desperately casting around to find a way forward, it’s tempting to seek comparisons, and even to stoop to the expedient of finding contemporaries who are in a worse predicament as a way of boosting your own son or daughter. This is entirely counter-productive: teenagers must be encouraged to address their own situation and focus on their own life plans.
• When celebrations are in order
If your teenager has triumphed, you must give praise where praise is due. Be voluble in your congratulations, generous in your celebrations – presents, meals out, trips away are all in order. But never gloat. You will inevitably know other parents who are negotiating much more uncertain prospects, and the last thing they need to hear is smug self-congratulation. No matter how over-brimming with pride you feel, exercise tact and discretion.
• Don’t bottle it all up
It’s completely normal to feel stressed and nervous in the run-up to results day. You are at a turning point in your life and it’s easy to feel overcome but try not to internalise your emotions too much. If you feel you can talk to your parents, it’s a good idea to do so; alternatively, you can share your anxiety with friends, or even record your feelings in a journal. Parents might come across as over-attentive and over-protective at this time, but remember it’s a big moment for them too, so if it’s all getting a bit much just politely tell them that you understand their concern but need a bit of time on your own.
• Make plans
Even if you’re reasonably confident that you will achieve the grades you need, it’s always a good idea to make back-up plans, to research alternatives beforehand, and to know what you will need to set in motion on results day. Just knowing you’ve addressed possible failure will make you much calmer and readier to face the music.
• Think about the rest of the day
You may well be part of a big friendship group and plans may already be afoot for parties and celebrations later in the day. This is fine if you’re feeling upbeat and optimistic, but it’s a good idea to line up an alternative in case you’re dealing with disappointment – make sure your parents and family are available in case you need a shoulder to cry on.
• Calm down
Everyone will be feeling hyped up and emotional as the big day approaches, so do your best to seek tranquillity in the immediate run-up to results. Try and get plenty of sleep, avoid caffeine, seek out solitude and, if you possibly can, steer clear of social media, which will be abuzz with infectious anticipation.
• Alone or Together?
Think carefully about how you want to handle getting your results. You might be someone who does everything in a big group and, if you’re confident that the group will bolster and help you, whatever your results, then that’s probably the best option for you. If you’re a more private person, who needs time to process emotions before you express them, then think about going on your own – if you do this, you might find it’s a good idea to have a parent or other sympathetic individual waiting outside.
• It’s not the end of the world
If you don’t get the exam results you need, do not panic. Take a few moments, breathe slowly and deeply, and repeat the mantra “I have alternatives”. Speak to a teacher, careers adviser or parent and make a systematic plan. Focus on your way forward and in the immediate aftermath of results you might find it a good idea to stay off social media, which will be inundated with excited, and overwhelming, chatter.
• Don’t gloat
If your results are all you ever wanted, restrain yourself. Jumping up and down, screaming with hysterical joy is hardly the most tactful response if you’re with a friend who is contemplating deep disappointment. Check out how the people you’re with have fared before you unleash uninhibited emotions and keep them well in check if necessary. Remember to offer polite congratulations to anyone who has achieved their target or above; be sympathetic and resolutely positive towards friends who are dealing with setbacks. There will be time enough later in the day to celebrate your own results.
If A-level results are not what you expected, contact our team at Debrett's Education for a free and impartial chat about next steps. Call us on +44 (0) 2038 489 201 or email [email protected] for advice.
When this word first came into common parlance in the 1990s, multitasking was hailed
as the engine that would drive the new digital revolution. Our newfound ability to talk,
text, email and monitor our social media simultaneously was seen as a breakthrough in
our capacity to function effectively in the modern world. We all tried to do it, though with
limited success. Very soon, we discovered that it was not quite the brave new world we
had been led to expect. Research indicates that the human brain is not built for
multitasking and can only focus on one thing at a time. Attempting to multitask causes
lapses of concentration, increased errors, ineffectiveness and ultimately stress and
burnout.
We also soon discovered that, in many instances, multitasking is just rude. We’ve all
experienced the various ways in which being preoccupied by several things at once can
cause offence: fiddling with phones whilst at the dinner table; audibly clicking on your
keyboard while simultaneously having a heart to heart on the phone with your friend;
visibly sending texts when you’re in a video meeting; scrolling through Instagram while
supposedly having a conversation with your partner, and so on. All these instances
demonstrate the same feature – a lack of focused attention. Yet, as human beings we
all crave attention: we want to be listened to; we seek out eye contact; many of us love
to hold an audience spellbound; some of us crave the cosy intimacy of a one-to-one
conversation. If we feel that someone is distracted or not giving us his or her full
attention, we are irritated, and often offended. It is very strange, therefore, that this
undoubtedly insulting behaviour has become a universal feature of contemporary life.
Of course, some element of multitasking is inevitable, and desirable, as we go about our
daily business. Most of us enjoy talking when we are walking with a companion, or
when we are driving with a passenger in the car. Humdrum chores like emptying the
dishwasher, washing up, chopping vegetables or loading the washing machine are
obviously made much more bearable if you’re chatting to someone, or listening to the
radio, or a podcast. But in all these instances at least one of the tasks is semi-automatic
and requires very little focus or concentration – most people would not find it an
impossible challenge to enjoy a stimulating conversation while doing the ironing or
stacking the dishwasher.
More complex tasks, which require a certain amount of concentration (even if you are
just scrolling on the internet), are a different matter. The more you take on
simultaneously, the more scattered and patchier your concentration becomes. You end
up doing nothing well: your text is full of typos; your email is incoherent; your phone
conversation is full of pauses and non-sequiturs. And if an actual, live human being is
involved, you can be sure they will pick up on your distraction and begin to feel
disregarded.
Reconcile yourself to the fact that multitasking is not the holy grail, the fast route to
greater efficiency and productivity, and accept that it is potentially extremely rude. Then
take the following steps to stop multitasking unnecessarily and gain greater focus:
• Learn to prioritise. That means assessing all the competing tasks that are calling on
your attention and working out an order in which to address them. You might find it
easier if you write yourself a list at the beginning of the day, which will help you arrange
all your planned undertakings in order of importance and will also encourage you to see
each task (even if it is just making a phone call or sending a text) as a separate entity.
• Timetable. Especially when you are working, it is a good idea to set aside blocks of
time for certain tasks. So you could decide that every day between noon and 1pm you
will answer all your emails, and from 2pm–3pm you will dedicate yourself to calling back
clients, and so on. If you adhere to this structure, you may be less tempted to jump to
attention whenever you receive an alert or notification on your various devices – feeling
compelled to answer immediately is the first step on the road to multitasking perdition.
• Respect the need to concentrate. If you are about to undertake a difficult job (writing an
awkward email, reconciling your accounts, finishing a report), identify all the outside
stimuli that are likely to distract you (phone calls, texts, emails etc). Switch off devices,
turn off notifications and create a quiet and focused space for yourself, which will enable
you to cogitate in peace.
• Lead by example. If you are a boss, a manager or a team leader, try to create a work
culture which discourages functioning on sensory overload. Do not insist on immediate
replies to texts and emails; ban all other activities in video meetings (no texting or
surreptitious emailing); be supportive of the need for some employees to take
themselves off into a closed room to aid concentration; discourage employees from
eating at their desk while looking at their computers (provide a table and chairs in the
staff kitchen). All of these measures will indicate that you value a calm, productive work
environment, where priority is given to important tasks and less important distractions
are eliminated.
• Prioritise the human. It is easy to be swept along on a tidal wave of online stimuli,
information overload, notifications, requests. Somewhere in this maelstrom are real
human beings who need advice, help, attention, friendship. Don’t let them become
subsumed by all the other calls on your time; signal out the human interactions and get
into the habit of clearing the decks and making space for them. That means finding time
to really engage, not snatching a few minutes when you’re in a taxi on the way to a
meeting, or in the dentist’s waiting room, or waiting outside the school gate. It is much
better to suggest a time when you won’t be interrupted and distracted, even if it means
deferring a conversation for a day or two.
Remember, paying attention is the foundation of good manners, so don’t let your
compulsion to multitask turn you into someone who is unforgivably rude.
Most harassed parents would agree that taking a very small child on a plane (or, to a lesser extent, on a long train journey) tops the league of difficult travelling challenges. Both modes of transport demand that passengers are seated for long periods and planes, in particular, are extremely cramped. The likelihood is that both planes and trains will be fully booked during the holiday season so fidgeting and unhappy toddlers will be surrounded by a phalanx of observers, some of them none too friendly. Most parents will view upcoming journeys as a total nightmare.
But does it always have to be like this? There are some measures you can take that will minimise the ordeal and ensure that your child’s behaviour isn’t unbearably taxing.
Toddlers and small children are often carted from place to place by frazzled parents with a minimum of preparation or explanation. It is no wonder that they object to this treatment and choose to show their agency the only way they can, by screaming the place down.
Explain to them about the upcoming trip, what planes or trains are like. Talk to them about cabin crew, seat belts, trays, on-flight meals and all the other paraphernalia of travel. Above all, explain that they will have to stay in their seat for most of the journey. If you can find a book about trains or aeroplanes, read it to them before the trip.
Obviously you will need to pack snacks, toys and distractions. The key is to come armed with a range of items. Don’t just opt for a tablet or games console, include books, colouring pencils and paper, a favourite cuddly toy as well. Make sure you’ve got plenty of tempting things to eat and drink – pack them all separately so that you can prolong the eating process and be vigilant about offering food at regular intervals – hunger and thirst are invariably tantrum-triggering.
Now the real challenge begins. You’ve done your best to prepare your child and to come armed with all the necessary distractions. How are they going to behave? And how are the people around you going to react?
Most reasonable adults will accept that very small children are hardly responsible for their actions. They do not understand why they must be confined to their seats, they have no concept of time, they are used to moving freely, they are tired and fractious. All these sensations are likely to make them restless and noisy, and they may well start kicking the chair in front of them, invading a stranger’s space, or just screaming. However, their behaviour will be much more tolerable to adults sitting nearby if you, the parent, are clearly doing your best to contain your child’s behaviour, distract them, soothe them and calm them down.
So, if you are heard audibly intervening, for example saying things like “don’t kick the seat, it will bump the man in front” or “I think we’d better turn this down – it’s very noisy for all the people who are trying to go to sleep”, you will be clearly demonstrating that you are trying to inculcate a sense of empathy in your toddler, and are encouraging awareness of the impact of their behaviour on other people.
Most adults will forgive your toddler’s worst transgressions if you demonstrate clearly that you are working hard to deal with them and you are striving to moderate your child’s behaviour. That really is the best you can do in the circumstances. However, if you blithely switch off as soon as you’re settled into your seat, plug in your headphones and resolutely ignore the developing mayhem, you will rapidly become deeply unpopular. Your neighbours will observe that you have absconded from all responsibility, that you are making no effort to control your child, whose behaviour is impinging negatively on them, and will give full vent to their disapproval.
Your journey will be considerably eased by friendly and supportive cabin crew, so it is important that both you, and your child, are unfailingly polite to them and grateful for everything they do. If your child can speak, make sure they say “please” and “thank you” – if they don’t do it voluntarily, it’s fine to keep repeating “say please” and “say thank you” as it demonstrates that you’re aware of the importance of good manners.
If cabin crew are amenable, they will be supportive when the time comes, as it invariably will, for you to leave your seat and walk your child around, take your child to the toilet, or simply stand somewhere and joggle them into unconsciousness. The more grateful and polite you appear to be to crew and fellow passengers alike, the more you smile and acknowledge assistance, the more friendly and supportive everyone will be.
When the journey finally comes to an end, remember to say a heartfelt thank you and farewell to the crew, and induce your child to give them a friendly wave. The better you behave the more likely they are to be kind and helpful to the next frazzled parent they encounter.
Personal questions have traditionally been considered a no-go area in British society. It was considered appallingly rude to ask people questions about their finances, health or emotional affairs and even direct questions on matters like politics and religion were frowned upon. But manners have evolved, and society has changed. We live in a world where full disclosure is the norm, where people communicate their deepest secrets in online forums and probing interviews with celebrities appear to recognise no boundaries. The old strictures on “personal comments” are being eroded; in these circumstances, we must set our own boundaries, decide what we consider to be unacceptably intrusive, and take measures to ensure that we are not overwhelmed in situations where it all gets too personal.
Everyone has a different breaking point and, in general, very extrovert people who have no compunction about laying their own lives bare, are the most likely to ask intrusive questions. Remember, you are under no obligation to answer questions that you think are too intrusive. However, you will need to find strategies for dealing with these questions that do not come across as rude or aggressive. Adopt one, or more, of the following strategies:
There are many ways in which you can turn the attention away from yourself. One simple technique is simply to change the subject. If it’s done politely, it doesn’t really matter if the transition is a bit bumpy; it will reinforce your recoil from the original question. So, if you’re asked an intrusive question like “when are you two going to start a family?” just reply with “We’re not sure but isn’t it good news that James and Helen have finally found a house they like?”. Only a very obtuse person would insist on going back to the original question.
Another useful way of deflecting unwanted questions is to use humour. So, for example, if you’re asked how much you earn, just come back with “not enough!”; if you’re asked how much your new house cost, reply “too much!”; if you’re asked if your recent health scare has been resolved, say something cheerful like “well, I’m sure the hospital is glad to see the back of me!” All these responses give absolutely nothing away, but they’re cheerful and upbeat and close the query down.
Use self-deprecation. If somebody asks you a question you really don’t want to answer you can hide behind a wall of charming modesty: “Oh, I think you’d be bored rigid if I attempted to answer that! Let’s move on.”
Finally, compliments are powerful tools of deflection. Use the question as a springboard: if someone compliments you on your weight loss and asks what regime you used, say something like “I’m sure you’re not interested in that, you’re looking so slim and well yourself”. If a nosy person asks, “Are you two thinking of getting married any time soon?” say “Who knows? It would be hard to compete with your wonderful wedding!”
There are several ways in which you can appear to answer a question and give nothing away. In the first instance, you could try meeting specifics with generality. For example, if somebody questions you closely about a contentious political issue, you could reply with general remarks about the state of politics, your frustration with the political discourse, your disgust with politicians etc.
Another evasive technique is to sidestep the original question and to move it into more general, less personal territory. So if, for example, somebody questions you about how you are affording personal care for your elderly mother, just say something like “It’s very difficult, but that’s the case for everybody, when there is so little state provision etc etc”. Or “How did your scan go?” could be deflected with “Well, I felt really lucky to see the doctor, considering the state of the Health Service.”
Vague replies are a good way of evading probing questions. So, no matter how specific the actual enquiry, come back with a waffly response: “Why did you take the day off on Friday?” could be met with “I had one or two things to sort out.” Or “What was that urgent call last night?” could be countered with “It was just an old friend”. These vague non-answers send strong signals that you are not willing to answer the actual question.
Finally, a very effective way of evading intrusive questions is to restate and reframe them. So, if somebody bluntly asks you “when are you going to get that promotion you’ve been waiting for?” say something like “I think what you’re really asking is, am I still finding my job stimulating?”. Or if they ask, “I bet you made a killing on that flat sale?” you could come back with “I think what you’re really asking is, am I happy to be moving out of the neighbourhood?” Of course, this is not what they’re asking at all, but your re-framed question makes it very clear that you find their original query intrusive.
One simple way of meeting intrusive questions head-on, is to simply come back with “Why do you ask?” This is a very direct response which will throw many people into confusion. The honest answer, which of course they cannot give, would be “Because I’m nosy/curious/can’t mind my own business”. The result is that often retreat with an embarrassed apology.
Frequently people do not realise the questions they are asking are intrusive. They are curious about you, perhaps excessively so, and do not have the sensitivity to realise they may be trespassing on difficult territory. One way of pulling them up short is to ask an awkward question back. So, for example, if they ask you “Are you and Ben really getting divorced?”, come straight back with “Are you concerned about my emotional wellbeing?”. By challenging them and questioning their motives, you’re putting the boot on the other foot. You can then really put the knife in by complimenting them on their (so-called) care and concern (“that is so kind of you!”).
Intrusive questions can be both distressing and invasive, so there really is no reason why we should tolerate them. Of course, none of us want to be rude, but if the above techniques don’t work, it is quite acceptable to call the questioner out. You can be quite direct about this (“Wow, that’s a very personal question. I don’t think I really want to answer!”), or you can simply come back with a selection of shut-down phrases: “I’d prefer not to answer that”; “I’d rather not say”; “Sorry, that’s too personal”; “Let’s talk about something else”; “That’s a bit of a fraught subject – let’s move on”. If the questioner does not know you well enough to warrant such probing enquiries, comment on the fact: “I don’t think we really know each other well enough to talk about this.” You know when people are crossing the line and invading your privacy, but you must accept that it is your responsibility to communicate the fact that they are doing so.
It’s the school holidays and children are everywhere: in shops, trains, museums, gardens, restaurants, pubs. August is the great month for family days out and a good time to observe how both parents and non-parents deal with the challenge of children in public spaces.
British society is often condemned as being child-unfriendly, immured in its Victorian “children should be seen and not heard” notions, intolerant of the joyous noise and chaos that children trail in their wake. But increasingly, the pendulum has swung, and there is a greater willingness to embrace public parenthood, take children out and about, and to eschew the repressive, disciplinarian behaviour of our ancestors.
Undoubtedly, there are occasions when this new libertarian attitude can go too far. There are certain places and contexts when letting children run free and unbridled is just rude. The quiet coach of a train, for example, has a clearly stated purpose and people opt to sit in it for a reason, so that they can work, read or snooze uninterrupted. Importing children into this environment, unless they are docile and compliant, will inevitably cause resentment.
Similarly, visitors to art galleries, certain museums, cathedrals, stately homes etc may expect a certain quiet decorum, so that they can commune with the art or admire the architecture in comparative peace. Of course, there is no sanction on children in these places, simply an expectation that children will behave well, and visitors may experience feelings of irritation when they do not do so.
Many restaurants and cafés are child friendly. They do their utmost to accommodate children, providing highchairs, colouring books and toys. Waiting staff are welcoming, happy to interact with children, tolerant of their behaviour. As a result, there is generally a happy, noisy buzz, a few examples of rambunctious behaviour, the occasional tantrum. While many pubs and restaurants cater for families and encourage children it is reasonable to expect them to be adult-only spaces after 8pm. At the other end of the scale are the hushed and hallowed shrines to gastronomy, where the food and drink is revered, the waiting staff are unctuous and attentive, and voices are never raised. It is a brave parent who imports their children into such a space, and it is questionable whether such a restaurant would be the best choice for a family meal.
Many parents feel that there should be no limitations on where there they can take their children, and it is their right to take them into any environment they choose. They argue that no child will learn how to behave in public without some exposure to a great variety of places and they are therefore entitled to take children wherever they please. Some people without children contend that they have a right to child-free spaces where they can enjoy grown up pursuits, free of disruption and disturbance. It is a real challenge to steer an acceptable path between these two opposing views.
Ultimately, it is all about the parents. Children do not know how they should behave in a fancy restaurant or a quiet art gallery, and it would be ridiculous to expect them to understand the strictures of the adult world. Parents must be responsible for their children, balancing easy tolerance and the embrace of new experiences with an awareness of other people’s expectations and frustrations. They must be willing to take a rational view, to assess the situation, and to concede that sometimes their children are smashing the social norms.
Inevitably, there will be occasions and situations where it is the disapproving onlookers who are transgressing – reproachful looks in a child-filled restaurant or tut tutting in a child-friendly museum that is packed with intriguing dinosaur displays are clearly beyond the pale. If you feel that other people are being unreasonably censorious about your children, perhaps try and mitigate the situation by audibly saying something like “Try and play a little more quietly Toby – we don’t want to upset the other people.” A remark like this might well assuage their antagonism and make them feel that they are being a little intolerant.
None of us wants to go back to the Victoria era, when children were excluded, repressed, disciplined and required to behave like mini adults. We understand so much more these days about how children grow and develop, and we’re all aware that they learn experientially – every adventure, accident and interaction is a step on the road towards adulthood and nobody would want to deny them these experiences.
No child is going to learn how to behave well in a restaurant, for example, if they are never taken to eat out. In many European cultures the notion of eating out in family groups with small children is much more ingrained, children are accustomed to the restaurant experience from earliest infancy and other customers are completely accepting of young children.
Always bear in mind that children who behave “badly” are generally feeling under-stimulated, ignored or bored. Do your best to counteract this by always travelling well-equipped with toys, colouring books, crayons, playing cards and so on. Listen to what they have to say and react promptly. Remember, zoning out and entering an adult world where kids are merely an irritating distraction, is always perilous. Understandably, children will react with fury and frustration and that’s where the trouble begins. You should not take your children out and about if you are not prepared to monitor them and attend to them.
As always, good manners dictate that you are both self-aware and observant on these occasions, and that you are alert to any signs that you (or your children) are impinging on other people’s space in a way that is unreasonable. Obviously, the notion of what is “reasonable” is subjective, for both sides of the argument, but it should be possible – in a spirit of good grace and tolerance – to reach a mutually acceptable compromise.
The holiday season is at its peak and the beach beckons. Whether you’re opting for windswept days out in Wales and Cornwall, electing to lounge stylishly in the Venice Lido, or choosing sun and sand on the shores of the Mediterranean, the same priorities and rules apply.
Whatever the location, there are certain items that are indispensable for a day on the beach. Bring plenty of sunblock, spare hats, towels, hand wipes (useful when the sand is glued to your fingers). If you’re not scrambling for an elusive (and sometimes expensive) deckchair or sun lounger, come with raffia beach mats, inflatable sunbeds and old towels.
If you’re headed for sandy beaches remember that the white sand magnifies the sun’s intensity. The sun’s ultraviolet rays are at their strongest during the hours between 10 am and 4 pm, so limit your time in the sun during this period. Keep a beady eye on all the members of your party and if you see any sign that they’re beginning to burn, brandish your sun cream and apply it liberally – always be generous about letting other people use it.
It’s also a good idea to bring a caftan or cover up, so you can protect yourself during those dangerous midday hours.
You will need to be extra vigilant of children in strong sun and extremely diligent about applying sun block and proffering hats. You must also ensure that they have plenty to keep them amused – buckets and spades are perennial favourites, but bats, balls and frisbees will also be popular. If you’re encouraging your kids to play beach games, make sure that they do so well out of range of other sunbathers who may not appreciate being deafened by high-pitched screams or showered by wet sand.
Keep a close eye on your own, and other people’s children, when they are playing at the water’s edge. The sea might look benign, but currents are strong and innocuous-looking waves can pack a powerful punch.
Try and ensure that there is a shady spot where young children can curl up for a siesta – having fun on the beach can be exhausting.
If you’re bringing your own picnic, or maybe catering for a larger beach party, remember that bamboo or plastic plates and cups will withstand sea air better than paper. The emphasis should be on finger foods (eg cold roast chicken, Scotch eggs and pork pies) and you’ll need to make sure you have plentiful supplies of paper napkins and rubbish bags. A simple alternative is to make lots of delicious sandwiches – crabmeat, crayfish or prawns will give a suitably nautical flavour.
Beach barbecues are an option if you’ve found a remote location where dense clouds of charcoal smoke won’t disturb neighbours. Bring a portable barbecue and prepare skewers and marinade meat the night before; they’ll keep fresh in a cool box. If you’re lucky you might be able to buy fresh mackerel or sardines from a local fisherman and grill them – the ultimate beach food.
Whatever you’re eating, copious amounts of ice-cold drinks are an absolute must, so bring a cool box with plenty of bottled water, fruit juice and fizzy drinks for the kids. If you want to turn it into a real party, you can pack wine and beer. Alternatively, you can blend spirits (eg rum or vodka) with concentrated fruit juices (eg orange, cranberry) and freeze overnight.
It’s wonderful to take a walk along the seashore and to keep your eyes open for beautiful pieces of driftwood or shells. Rules vary from country to country concerning what can be taken away from the beach, so it is worthwhile checking before you start piling up your plunder.
In Britain you can take shells and driftwood home with you, but you should never take any shells away with you that are inhabited by living organisms. Be aware that seashells are an important part of the coastal ecosystem – fish and hermit crabs use them as hiding places or temporary shelter, they anchor growing algae, counteract coastal erosion and are used by birds for nest-building. For these reasons, you will need to be discerning about what you appropriate.
In some parts of Britain, you may be lucky enough to find fossils. If you do so, it is legal for you take them away but if you find an exceptional or rare specimen it is considerate to report your find to the scientific community.
Sea glass comprises pretty fragments of glass that have been subject to natural weathering processes, giving them a frosted, jewel-like appearance. It is fine to take sea glass away; just be cautious around glass and if you find any sharp fragments as you walk along, remove them, and dispose of them, as they might be hazardous to other beachcombers or children.
Behaviour on the beach should be governed by consideration for others.
Respect other people’s space and ensure that noise is at a minimum; try to space yourself out as much as possible and at the very minimum keep at least a towel’s width away from the next encampment. Shake towels out with full consideration of the wind direction. Try not to stare, or ogle, at fellow sun bathers – particularly if they are struggling to dress or undress discreetly.
Music should only be played through headphones, never speakers. Team sports should be reserved for quiet, unpopulated stretches of sand. Respect the coastguard and take note of any signs or flags.
Swimwear should protect your modesty, so avoid anything that goes transparent on contact with water. Cover-ups, such as sarongs and T-shirts, should be worn in shops, bars and restaurants, so ensure you’re semi-dressed when not on the beach itself. You may be proud of your beautiful tan, but preening and strutting in front of other tourists will make you very unpopular.
Female tourists abroad should be aware of the prevailing customs of the area and observe the locals. Never trespass on local sensitivities by being the first to discard your top. Only bare all in secluded areas, and never be the only one in your group to do so.
On departure, clear up all rubbish. That means taking rubbish away, not burying it under a few pebbles or a thin covering of sand. Prepare beforehand by bringing capacious rubbish bags, and if you’re confronted, as is often the case, by an overspilling bin when you reach the promenade, take your rubbish away with you; dispose of it in the first available bin or take it back to your home or hotel. The beach should always be left in a pristine state.
