In a world where much of our communication is mediated through electronic devices and we are constantly distracted by multiple calls on our attention, it seems that the art of good listening may be in jeopardy. Yet listening carefully is the cornerstone of all our social interactions, the place where good manners begin. Understanding the various ways in which we can really listen is a useful starting point.
Good listeners focus entirely on what they are hearing. That means eliminating all distractions, for example shutting your laptop, putting your phone away, and turning your face and your attention towards the other person. It’s very easy to detect when someone isn’t focusing on what you’re saying – the distant look in their eyes, the tendency to look over your shoulder at something or somebody that interests them more, the longing glances at their phone or wristwatch. You must accept that it’s no good being a half-hearted listener; you need to focus and give your undivided attention. If you fail to do this, you will inevitably miss out on the nuances of conversation, the passing facial expressions, the pauses, the hesitations, the body language – all of which speak volumes to somebody who is both observant and self-aware.
Good listening is about putting your own preoccupations to one side. If you interrupt or jump into the conversation saying something like “I know just what you’re talking about – I did that journey myself ten years ago” you are switching the focus of the conversation back on yourself. If you want to understand and react appropriately to what somebody is telling you, you will not do so by being impatient, dismissive or judgmental, or by setting out your own opinions or standpoint before they have a chance to articulate what they are feeling. Bad listeners inevitably manage to swing the conversation around to their own agenda – usually themselves – finding opportunities to interject and overwhelm the person who is talking. You will be a much better listener if you welcome all conversations as a chance to learn something new or gain a fascinating insight. Curiosity, if it is not over-intrusive, is a good listener’s best attribute.
Body language is an excellent way of demonstrating that you are concentrating on the conversation in hand. That means engaging in eye contact, leaning forward, nodding encouragingly, or using appropriate facial expressions (a grimace, a raised eyebrow, a quizzical look) from time to time to indicate that you are interested and engaged. From time to time, you might murmur encouragement, or use phrases like “oh really?”, “that’s extraordinary” or “I agree”, depending on the context. This may seem obvious but doing the opposite – lounging back in your chair with your arms folded, staring fixedly at the other person, or looking around the room – will be instantly off-putting and discouraging.
Being a receptive listener is about knowing when, and how, to respond. There will be occasions when a response is uncalled-for, when all a person wants to do is vent or confide, and just projecting interest and sympathy is all that is needed. But conversation is usually a two-way street, and responses are called for, especially in a social context when you may need to prolong the interchange. It is never a good idea to use the time when you should be listening carefully to what is being said planning your response or pondering what you’re going to say next. You will miss out on salient points, and your response won’t effectively align with what has been said, making the conversation feel jerky and out of step. Instead, fall back on the power of spontaneity and improvisation. Use your listening skills and intelligence to frame a focused response to whatever conversational curveball is thrown at you.
There will be times when friends or colleagues confide in you because they are feeling down or they are encountering problems or difficulties, and you will need to fully engage with them and do your best to understand how they are feeling. You may well decide that this is your chance to offer advice or point out obvious solutions, but this might not be what is called for. Unless they specifically ask for your input, they may well just need a sympathetic ear, someone who appears to be focused on them and understands what they’re going through. On these occasions, saying “I know exactly how you’re feeling, because the same thing happened to me”, which you may think is a suitably empathetic response, might not be helpful because you’re talking about your own experiences, when they really need to focus the conversation on themselves. Handing out advice (no matter how sensible it may be) or trying to cheer people up is about your agenda, not other people’s. Sometimes the best listeners are silent, signalling their understanding through facial expressions and body language.
Now is the time to brush up your listening skills:
• Remove all distractions (phones, laptops, chores, other people, children, pets)
• Clear your mind and tune in
• Use positive body language and facial expressions to show you’re engaged
• Be curious, receptive and open-minded
• Allow your focus to slip and think about other things
• Plan ahead and formulate your response
• Bring your own agendas to the conversation
• Make the conversation all about you
Schools have broken up and the peak holiday season has begun. Tourist numbers are ever-growing, no-frills airlines offer bargain basement fares to an expanding range of destinations, and accommodation options are multiplying. The result is that many popular tourist hubs feel disturbingly overcrowded, and – especially in places that are experiencing unprecedented and gruelling heatwaves this summer – tempers can get frayed, and tourists’ behaviour may be seen as offensive.
There are many ways of improving the tourist experience, both for yourself and for fellow-visitors and residents. Whether you’re flying abroad or opting for a staycation, the same rules apply. Consider the following:
• Research beforehand
It is always a good idea to research your destination beforehand. This applies especially if you’re going abroad, where you might be encountering different cultural practices, from tipping and ordering in restaurants to visiting religious sites and wearing appropriate dress. Forewarned is forearmed; with the facts at your fingertips, you will avoid making obvious faux-pas. If you’ve researched the main attractions beforehand, and then talk to residents about them when you arrive, they will be gratified that you have taken an active interest in their home.
• Shop local
Many of the world’s most beautiful places are dependent on tourist income. If you invariably eat in your hotel dining room, or choose to buy from large supermarket chains, you are not contributing to the local economy. Always try and explore neighbourhood options. That means visiting farmers’ markets, patronising local shops, eating in small restaurants, buying regional produce to take home.
• Be a discriminating photographer
The compulsion to take photographs, especially now we all carry mobile phones with sophisticated cameras, seems to be universal. But ask yourself: do you want to fully live the experience, or do you want to endlessly record it, post it, and share it? If you feel a photograph must be taken, try and be aware of other people. Do not block pavements or monopolise views or obstruct locals from going about their business. If your photograph involves taking pictures of “quaint” locals, always ask if they mind first; if you’re moved to take a picture of a resident’s picturesque house or garden, check first; there should be no indiscriminate snapping.
• Get off the beaten track
It’s very easy to get into the “bucket list” mentality, where visiting somewhere involves ticking various star attractions off your to do list. But sometimes the joys of travel involve finding unexpected corners or little-visited places or experiencing a wonderful meal in an unfrequented residential area. Do you really want to spend your time in Paris queuing outside the Louvre, and craning to see the Mona Lisa over a sea of tourist heads, when there is so much of the city to visit and explore?
• Be pedestrian aware
Tourists often congregate in large crowds – especially at key vantage points that overlook famous views. Be conscious that these groups can be very frustrating for locals, who simply want to go about their business. Be observant and aware and don’t block the pavements or jostle other pedestrians because you’re too busy taking in the sights and not looking where you’re going. If you see a spectacular sight that demands a photo, don’t stop dead in your tracks in the middle of the path. Step aside and wait for a suitable moment when you’re not causing an inconvenience. If you’re lost and need to consult a map, also step to one side, and ensure that you’re not getting in people’s way.
• Dress appropriately
In some countries notions of appropriate dress are much more conservative than our own and it may be customary for women to cover their heads, while bare shoulders and legs may be frowned upon. It goes without saying that you must acknowledge these customs and respect them. In more relaxed environments, don’t take the laissez-faire attitude too far. Try and keep beach clothes for the beach, promenade, seaside bars and restaurants only. Wandering around local shops in a bikini or swimming shorts is disrespectful to the locals, who are trying to go about their everyday business. Unlike you, they do not see their local town as a tourist theme park where anything goes, but as a place where they must dress respectably, earn money, bring up their children and look after their elderly parents.
• Leave no trace
Undoubtedly mass tourism degrades environments. It inflicts considerable wear and tear on natural landscapes, seaside environments, and historic sites and buildings. The least we can do is to ensure that we do our best to eliminate our personal impact: that means always clearing away our own litter, never degrading historical buildings (there have been recent alarming reports of tourists scratching graffiti on the walls of the Colosseum in Rome), and respecting any prohibitions about entry into certain areas, which may be vulnerable to damage.
• Respect the residents’ privacy
How would you feel if random groups of people kept wandering into your garden and taking photographs of your prize roses? You might feel a brief twinge of pride, soon to be subsumed by the feeling that you have been invaded and your privacy has been violated. When you are on holiday it is vital to respect boundaries and take note of signs warning that land or buildings are private. Many foreign countries do not have the abundance of public footpaths and rights of way that we rejoice in here in Britain, so do not blithely cut through vineyards, orchards and fields; you may well be trespassing. If in doubt, always politely ask a local.
• Be unfailingly polite
Good manners will go a long way to winning over the local residents when you’re on holiday. That means greeting people with a polite “Good morning” or “Good evening” (try and learn these phrases in the local language), and always saying a heartfelt “please” or “thank you”. A little small talk (commenting on the weather, the view, the delicious produce etc) will go a long way. The locals will be delighted by any compliments or approbation, as they will want to feel reassured that you are enjoying your stay.
It’s all too easy to visit places as an entitled consumer. You feel that you have spent large amounts of money for the privilege and that you have therefore acquired the right to indulge yourself and behave as you please. But the transaction really isn’t that simple: your expenditure is putting you in a privileged position where you are able to experience a different place, a new culture, a beautiful or precious environment. As a tourist you are spending money not only to guarantee your own pleasure but to ensure that these places can survive and by recognising this you are acknowledging that you owe your hosts the courtesy of civilised behaviour, which will not disrupt or negatively impact their daily lives.
As the summer holidays stretch out ahead, many of us will be making plans for plenty of
outdoor activities: walks, trips to the seaside, and – of course – picnics. This great
British pastime derives its name from the French pique-nique (piquer, to pick or peck,
and nique, a thing of little import). Like many British leisure activities, it is highly
dependent on reasonable weather, which of course is not always guaranteed and is
inevitably the subject of much debate and foreboding beforehand – suffice to say,
contingency plans are essential, as nobody relishes the thought of a picnic in pouring
rain.
For many of us, especially children, a picnic is a delightful prospect. We should,
however, be aware that there is a substantial contingent of picnic-deniers who find the
whole prospect purgatorial. This is mainly to do with comfort: unlike al fresco eating in
the garden, when a dining room is effectively created in the open air, picnics are much
more improvisational affairs, involving sitting on the ground, balancing plates on laps
and so on. But there are certainly ways in which the picnic-wary can be accommodated:
lightweight folding deckchairs will solve seating anxiety and well-chosen finger food that
can be eaten with the minimum of fuss and no cutlery will ensure that the absence of a
table is not a deterrent.
If you find yourself hosting, or attending, a picnic this summer, it is guaranteed to go
with a swing if you observe the following etiquette:
• Scope out the location of your picnic beforehand and ensure that there is both sunlight
and dappled shade, as well as even ground and shelter from the wind. In any case it is
wise to bring extra supplies of sun cream and sun hats.
• If you would like your guests to bring contributions to the feast, make that clear; if you
are happy to organise all the catering, say so beforehand. Because picnics are often
quite arranged on the spur of the moment (mainly because they’re so weather-
dependent), there is often some confusion about the expectations of the host and the
guests, so it is best to sort this out beforehand.
• If your picnic is a free-for-all and guests are bringing home-made contributions, make
sure that you taste their food and compliment them on the efforts they have made.
• Think carefully about seating. At the very least you will need to bring picnic blankets
that can be placed on the ground; you might also need to consider cushions and folding
chairs.
• While you might not be the proud possessor of a picnic hamper and matching crockery,
it might well be a good idea to invest in some inexpensive bamboo plates, cups and
cutlery and some sturdy stainless-steel beakers, which can be used for hot and cold
drinks. All these items are reusable and eco-friendly and will reduce waste substantially.
• Think about food that is easy to eat: sandwiches, sausage rolls, Scotch eggs, pork pies
are all traditional, and extremely practical, picnic choices. If you want a healthier option,
cutting up batons of celery, carrot and cucumber and serving them with dips is a
practical alternative to salads, which are much more difficult to eat.
• Be very aware of other people nearby, especially if you are using a portable barbecue,
which can be smoky and will disgorge overwhelming odours.
• If you’ve got children with you, make sure you come equipped with balls, bats, racquets
etc, and ensure that they play well away from the seating area. Keep an eye on them
throughout proceedings and make sure they’re not getting too noisy or straying into
other people’s territory.
• If you’re going to a picnic, dress practically. Remember, you probably are going to end
up sitting on the ground at some point, so short tight skirts are impractical, whereas long
flowing skirts or trousers are much more comfortable. The ground may well be uneven,
so picnics are not really the ideal time to showcase your heels or platform soles.
• If you are sitting on a pristine picnic blanket, it may be sensible to remove your shoes.
Tuck your feet well away and don’t point them toward the food or other guests.
• If you’re bringing your dog to the feast, keep it on a lead while you’re eating. If your dog
is over-excitable and likely to lunge at the sausage rolls and topple over the prosecco,
then you might have to think again: toys and treats might have to be deployed to ensure
that your pet is distracted. Remember, you’re responsible for your dog, so make sure
you bring adequate supplies of water. Keep an eye on your dog throughout proceedings
to ensure that he’s not disturbing other guests or scaring children and be particularly
vigilant when other dog owners are in the area.
• Leave no trace. Absolutely everything that you have brought to the picnic site must be
packed away, disposed of or taken home for disposal. You will need to come well-
supplied with rubbish bags, and it is your responsibility to give the site a careful
appraisal once everything has been packed away and to ensure that there are no errant
fragments of rubbish left behind.
The historic origins of Debrett’s Peerage & Baronetage are owed to William Dugdale, a passionate genealogist and researcher, who had spent time “attending the late King Charles the Firft (of Bleffed Memory) in His Garifon at Oxford”. He spent three years, from 1643–46, in Oxford with the King, where he dedicated himself to the task of exploiting the resources of the Bodleian Library and chronicling the ranks of the British aristocracy, their heredity and genealogy.
His original compendious work was published in 1685 by Abel Roper, John Martin and Henry Herringham. A new edition of the Peerage and Baronetage, based on Dugdale’s research, was published by Arthur Collins in 1709, but in later editions his meticulous research was somewhat undermined by the editors’ tendency to flatter and pay court to their subjects, and various inaccuracies were recorded (these were meticulously eliminated from the late 18th century onward).
John Almon, a Piccadilly-based bookseller and publisher, took over Arthur Collins’s work after his death and, in 1769, he published the The New Peerage, a two-volume, pocket-sized, leather-bound set, which had been much updated and improved. Almon engaged the services of John Debrett (born 1753), the son of French immigrants who had been apprenticed to another Piccadilly bookseller, Robert Davis, at the age of thirteen. He set about his task of meticulously checking and verifying the contents of the book and worked with a keen eye. In 1780 he became Almon’s partner, and when he retired in 1781, John Debrett took over his business, publishing the first edition in his own name in 1784: Printed for W Owen in Fleet Street; L Davis in Holborn; and J Debrett, successor to Mr Almon, opposite Burlington House in Piccadilly
John Debrett had arrived on the literary scene at a time when books, journals and publishing were a flourishing aspect of London society. Various booksellers attracted dedicated political followings (Almon’s was a Whig meeting-place) and the hotly debated topics of the day – from the rights of man to revolution, religious dissent, imperial expansion and political reform – were the inspiration for an outpouring of publications and interest in the printed world. Significant works published by John Debrett during the tumultuous 1790s include: Journal of the Voyage to new South Wales by John White, Surgeon General to the Settlement (1790); History of the French Revolution, by J P Rabaut St Etienne (1792); Plan of the New Constitution for the United States of America (1792); A Short History of the East India Company, by Francis Russell (1793).
In 1794 John Debrett advertised ‘‘The POCKET PEERAGE of ENGLAND, SCOTLAND and IRELAND; containing the Defcent and Prefent State of every Noble Family; with the Extinct, Forfeited, and Dormant Titles of the three Kingdoms. Alfo, General and Particular INDEXES, with the Arms emblazoned and the Mottoes tranflated. In 2 vols, price 9s, in boards.’ By 1802 John Debrett, with his shop at 180 Piccadilly, had become a well-respected and notable London bookseller, and in that year he brought out a new edition of Almon’s Guide to the Peerage. His name was now sufficiently recognisable for it to be entitled Debrett’s Peerage.
What was the primary purpose of Debrett’s book? On the face of it, it was an exercise in genealogy, a thoroughly researched and minutely detailed examination of the bloodlines of the aristocracy, and therefore a directory of the powerbrokers, landowners and wealthy elite who dominated British society. An entry in Debrett (as it was dubbed) was a validation of rank and dignity. Social intercourse was predicated on rigidly defined notions of status, and protocol was dictated by the notion of precedence, a strictly defined pecking order that reflected the ascending order of dignity of aristocratic ranks, which underpinned all social interactions, from official events to placement at the dining table. Debrett was therefore an invaluable reference tool for anyone who went out into society, and particularly for anyone who aspired to be a successful and respected host or public figure.
Debrett was the first (although others would follow suit) to publish a volume dedicated solely to the recording of baronets when, in 1800, the first edition of Debrett’s Baronetage was published. Undoubtedly some individuals whose family ties and heredity gave them an entrée into the Baronetage, were somewhat over-inflated by notion of their own blue-blooded credentials and Jane Austen enjoys satirising the social aspirations and self-importance of the baronet, Sir Walter Elliott in Persuasion (1817), which makes a reference to this first edition of the Baronetage:
Sir Walter Elliot, of Kellynch Hall, in Somersetshire, was a man who, for his own amusement, never took up any book but the Baronetage; there he found occupation for an idle hour, and consolation in a distressed one; there his faculties were roused into admiration and respect, by contemplating the limited remnant of the earliest patents; there any unwelcome sensations, arising from domestic affairs changed naturally into pity and contempt as he turned over the almost endless creations of the last century; and there, if every other leaf were powerless, he could read his own history with an interest which never failed.”
Austen notes that he ponders the “limited remnant of the earliest patent” and the “endless creations of the last century”, a reference to the fact that Debrett, with its regular updates and amendments kept meticulous track of the vagaries of inheritance, the perils of dormant titles, the creation of new titles, the forming of advantageous alliances, the births and deaths, and the intricate web of connections that bound the upper classes together. The book sent despatches from the upper echelons of society and was relied upon as a reliable and indispensable source of information.
Inevitably, when marriage was seen as an effective way of acquiring social rank (and indeed many aspirants were dismissed as “social climbers”), it was imperative for ambitious parents to be well-informed about the attributes of potential suitors. Undoubtedly, they would have frequently leafed through the pages of Debrett’s Peerage & Baronetage when their daughters came out in society and would have eagerly combed the entries relating to the young gentlemen their daughters encountered at balls and soirees. This process worked both ways, and families of inveterate bachelors were probably equally scrupulous when it came to vetting young ladies. In the words of Oscar Wilde, in The Portrait of Dorian Grey:
“Well, we must look out for a suitable match for him. I shall go through Debrett carefully to-night and draw out a list of all the eligible young ladies.”
Debrett’s Peerage & Baronetage has been published continuously, though not always at regular intervals, since the late 18th century. A succession of editors, many of them closely involved with the College of Arms, kept the flame alight in the 19th century, through the auspices of various publishers. A knightage section was added in 1865 and remained part of the volume until 1973.
In the 20th century, there were just five editors: Arthur George Maynard Hesilrige; Cyril Hankinson; Patrick Wykeham Montague-Smith; and, as joint editors, Charles Kidd and David Williamson. In the 21st century Debrett’s acquired its first female editor, Wendy Bosberry-Scott, and in 2021 the venerable red book finally went exclusively online, where it is continuously updated.
Over the past 200 years ago society has undergone extraordinary changes and the Peerage & Baronetage has reflected these transformations, including expanding to include illegitimate children, adopted children, same-sex marriages and civil partnerships. The large number of life peers that now populate the House of Lords have also found their way to Debrett’s pages and every new creation is meticulously recorded, following a tradition of research and scholarship that dates to the 17th and 18th centuries.
We’ve all got used to notifications of missed calls on our phones. At a basic level, they alert us to the fact that someone is trying to reach us, but they also pose a number of etiquette challenges. While on the one hand they may be seen as merely informative, they also can make us feel hounded, under an obligation to reply, or rattled because we fear that we’re missing out on important news.
Many of us use this facility to screen our calls, ensuring that we are always in control of who we speak to and when. However, our refusal to ever just answer a call may well be frustrating to our callers, who come to resent the fact that they never get through and may feel disrespected or overlooked.
Sometimes friends and family use the missed call as a way of jogging the memory, of sending a reminder that they’d like to be in contact. They know each other well and don’t need to elaborate further.
But in most cases, it is always polite and helpful to follow up a missed call with a text or voicemail, and this is particularly useful if you’re aware that your number may well not be in the recipient’s contacts. Don’t leave a redundant voice mail or text saying “It’s xxxxxxx. Call me back.” This simply repeats the information that the recipient has got from the missed call notification. Use your message to give a short hint about the nature of your call, even if all you’re saying is “I just wanted to catch up”. Giving a very brief indication of the purpose of your call will help the recipient to understand the importance/urgency of calling back.
While a voicemail would have been the conventional way of sending the message, there is an increasing reluctance, especially amongst younger people, to use this method, which is seen as cumbersome. The recipient will probably have to negotiate the menu options of their phone provider before accessing the message, whereas a text is more instantaneous. In addition, some people find leaving voicemails challenging – they experience a kind of performance anxiety when they hear the words “record your message after the beep” and end up tongue-tied, incoherent or rambling.
If you have any reservations about using voicemail, then a quick text is probably the best choice. Just say something along the lines of: ‘Sorry I missed you. Can you call me back to discuss arrangements for Saturday 21st. Thanks, Richard’ (you only need add your name – and surname, depending on the level of your acquaintanceship – if you think you might not be in the recipient’s contacts).
If you are trying to reach someone and they don’t pick up, don’t keep re-dialling. There’s probably a perfectly good reason for them not answering and you should be aware that repeatedly pressing re-dial and leaving a large number of missed call notifications will ring alarm bells, probably unnecessarily. It is much better to send a text, which will allay any anxieties.
If you realise that you’ve made a pocket call, it’s a good idea to text and apologise. Just say ‘sorry, pocket call!’ and the recipient won’t feel under any obligation to call you back.
If you’ve made a missed call and the recipient calls you back within a short time (a couple of minutes), do your best to pick up – it can get very frustrating to get caught in an endless loop of unanswered calls.
If you receive a missed call that you wanted to answer, call back immediately, and there is a good chance that the caller will pick up. If it seems relevant, you can give a brief explanation about why you didn’t pick up in the first place.
If you have not been able to pick up your call, but you would have liked to speak – perhaps you were in the cinema, a meeting, the quiet carriage of a train, or some other circumstance where speaking was impossible – it is a good idea to send a quick text, explaining your temporary non-availability and reassuring the caller that you will ring back (try and give an approximate time).
If you receive a missed call from an unknown number and you receive no follow-up text message or voicemail, you do not need to call back. Just remind yourself that if the call is urgent or important, the caller will send you a message. In fact, the call from an unknown number may well be a scam (and scammers may even go as far as leaving a voicemail, so you will need to exercise caution). Many scammers repeatedly call random numbers and, when the calls are picked up or returned, try to extract personal information, such as credit card details, by talking to you. Scammers will frequently pretend to be from your bank, or internet provider etc so it is always a good idea to google these companies and check their phone numbers against the missed call numbers on your phone, before even contemplating calling back. In this instance, being polite and conscientious may make you vulnerable to fraud.
In general, if you receive a missed call, followed up by a genuine text or voicemail, it is only polite to respond. There may be circumstances when you have no desire whatsoever to speak to the caller, but on the whole, you should accept that your mobile is your primary means of communication with the outside world, and you have an obligation to respond. You may want to control the circumstances in which you engage with people on the phone, but never calling back does not give you an elusive mystique, it just makes you look rude.
The Equality Act of 2010 protects us from age discrimination in all aspects of employment, including recruitment, terms and conditions, promotions and transfers. It also protects us from direct or indirect discrimination, harassment or victimisation. This is the legal background to a very British concern: the desire to keep our age to ourselves.
Children and young people revel in their age and welcome milestones, with their ever-widening range of possibilities, with enthusiasm (driving at 17, drinking in pubs, marrying and voting at 18, the symbolic “keys to the door” at 21). But very soon this exuberant embrace of aging is discarded, and a much more circumspect attitude is embraced.
While fresh-faced twenty-somethings would appear to have nothing to fear, many feel that they have encountered reverse age discrimination: older people make disparaging remarks like “policemen seem to be getting younger these days” or marvel at extreme youth, which they appear to see as an impediment when it comes to taking responsibility or shouldering daunting challenges.
We all know that age is just a number, and that conscientiousness, effectiveness, reliability and so on are character traits that have very little to do with longevity. Inevitably, however, the question of age becomes much more pressing as the years go by and, in a society where the ideals of youthful beauty and energy are remorselessly being promoted through all forms of media, age can be a dangerous, as well as discriminatory, topic.
Traditionally, it was considered particularly impolite to ask a woman her age. While men were given some credit for their advanced years – experience, gravitas, senior status and so on – older women were seen as being diminished by age. While it is to be hoped that these notions are now seen as old-fashioned, especially when we are confronted by a panoply of role models of older people whose zest for life and continuing achievements are truly awe-inspiring, the conventional reticence about asking about a person’s age remains.
The main issue when it comes to asking a person’s age (of either gender) is that as a result that person may be consigned into a tick-box category (early 40s, over-50s, pensioner, 80s+), which may carry many preconceptions, and hence limitations. These expectations can be extremely circumscribed and rigid, yet we’re all aware that, as we begin to mature, our perceptions of age keep pace with our own experience of aging. Our notions of what constitutes “old age” are rapidly recalibrated, and our appreciation of what constitutes “age-appropriate” behaviour is amended accordingly.
Many people find being asked about their age intrusive and resent being “boxed” into an age group, which they feel has little to do with their own self-perception and value. It is this reasoning that lies behind the Equality Act, which ensures that these preconceptions and prejudices do not muddy the waters when it comes to employment.
A safe default, therefore, is not to ask direct questions like “How old are you?” or “When were you born?”. If you’re desperate to find out (even if it is only approximately) somebody’s age, you should approach the question in a much more subtle and crabwise fashion, maybe turning the conversation to topics like schooldays, university, early working life, or perhaps initiating a general discussion about your recollections of children’s television, or popular culture during your teenage years. These questions may well elicit recollections and insights that will help you to make a reasonable guess about a person’s age. This may all seem impossibly circuitous, but it is considered the polite way to proceed. It allows personal information to emerge naturally, without putting people on the spot, or making them feel interrogated. Don’t have recourse to the cheesy option of using flattery and compliments to disarm your target: “You’ve got the most wonderful skin – may I ask how old you are?” Most people will spot the ruse a mile off and may find it intensely irritating.
If you don’t like revealing your age, for whatever reason, and somebody asks you a direct question, it is perfectly acceptable to deflect it. You could say something like “I make it a policy never to tell anybody my age!” or “Why do you ask?” or “I’d prefer to keep that to myself” or “I really don’t think age is important.” This should shut down all but the most persistent interrogators.
Of course, many people have no problem revealing their age, and are quite happy to communicate it to all and sundry. They might do this directly, by stating their age, birth year, or birth decade (“I was a child of the sixties’). Or they may do it more subtly by dropping hints: “It was so brilliant getting my bus pass last year” or “It makes you feel so middle-aged when you have to tick the 50-55 box on forms!”.
Many people would argue that the most liberating option is not to care too much either way: to give a straight answer to a straight question, if that is what is required, and not to recoil defensively when confronted by an importunate person.
We’re all familiar with ghosting in the world of online dating – the practice of abruptly ending all communication with someone without any elaboration or explanation. This kind of behaviour now seems to have spread into the world of work, where it is manifested in several ways:
• Hiring new employees
The recruitment process is fraught with ghosting opportunities. At the most basic level, many employers never respond to unsuccessful candidates, even after shortlisting and interviewing. More troublingly, there is growing evidence that employers and recruiters are ghosting successful candidates, confirming that they would like to offer them the job and then dropping all contact with them. Presumably, this is the sign of a change of heart – a better candidate has come along or the requirement for a new employee has been reassessed. But employers who do not see the necessity of communicating this fact to candidates are causing a great deal of unnecessary anxiety and upset.
• Interviewing for jobs
It works both ways, and potential employees are quite capable of ghosting employers. In a job market where there are growing labour shortages, employees find themselves in a powerful position. It is quite common for them to agree to an interview and then simply not show up because they have had a more attractive offer, or perhaps they have had a change of heart and decided not to move jobs. Again, they fail to see that it is only polite to notify the potential employers of their decision, but instead leave them hanging, wasting time and resources.
• No-shows
A new employee is offered a job, receives all the relevant paperwork, and confirms a start date. Then, on the agreed first day of work, they simply don’t show up. Maybe they have changed their mind, or received a better offer, but there is no attempt to contact the employer and inform them that they will have to re-start the recruiting process.
• Abandoning ship
We’re all familiar with the notion of the good resignation: the carefully worded letter, the interview with management, the constructive notice period when responsibilities are handed over and everyone works together to ensure a smooth transition, the convivial leaving party. Imagine dispensing with all this and simply not turning up at work ever again, with no formal resignation or notice period. Frantic employers may well try to get in touch with their errant employees and find themselves ghosted – no response to emails, texts, calls, and no explanation.
• Failed networking
The benefits of networking – through apps like LinkedIn or at specially organised events – are much trumpeted in many workplaces. Networking is seen as an effective way of expanding professional contacts, providing access to industry insiders, fellow professionals and potential clients. But if you exchange cards at a networking event, write a friendly follow-up email suggesting further meetings and never receive a reply, you’ve been ghosted.
• Failed pitches
If you reach out to a prospective client and have a friendly exchange or if someone contacts you with a suggested collaboration, then it is normal to send a follow-up email, which goes into more detail about costings, scope, requirements, scheduling and so on. If you do not receive any reply to your follow-up email you’ve been ghosted. You are left hanging, probably after you have put in considerable effort to your pitch, with nowhere to go.
All of these scenarios beg the simple question: why did communication break down? In an era when it is perfectly possible to communicate at one remove, using emails and texts, rather than facing an awkward phone call, it seems baffling that people would choose to opt out of communicating altogether.
There are several possible explanations. The most obvious is that people are stressed at work – overworked, overburdened, up against deadlines. They deal with overload by focusing on essentials and choose not to “waste time” dealing with the niceties of communication. Alternatively, they might simply be people who find it impossibly hard to say no, or to block future avenues of collaboration. They dread the finality of the “shutting down” email and procrastinate, deferring writing it indefinitely. If they leave it long enough, it enters the murky realm of “to deal with eventually” and from there is soon consigned to oblivion. Some people, who tend to be inveterate ghosts both socially and professionally, will abandon any interaction at the first sign of trouble – they prefer to opt for a disappearing act rather than directly confronting difficulties.
It is also possible that our increasingly hybrid workplaces, where there is reduced in-person interaction and an increased reliance on digital communications, are creating a sense of disconnect when it comes to professional relationships. If you have only attended a video interview, interacted with a client by email or networked with colleagues through an app, it is possible that you feel a certain level of disassociation, which you would not experience if you were meeting people in the flesh. This remoteness makes it much easier to be a ruthless non-communicator, who has honed down professional contact to the bare minimum.
Ghosting is obviously extremely rude. It shows little regard for other people and is predicated on an adamant refusal to empathise or imagine how disconcerting or disappointing it might be to be dropped or ignored. Here are some ways to deal with professional ghosting:
• Make it a rule to always answer all emails promptly (set a target of the same day).
• Even if you cannot deal immediately with questions asked or issues raised, you can at least send a holding email, which explains that you have received and noted the incoming communication and you will deal with it in due course.
• If you feel you’re in danger of “forgetting” the emails you have put on hold, put them in a folder and send yourself a reminder to clear the folder at the end of each week.
• If someone appears to ghost you, give them the benefit of the doubt, at least initially. Wait a few days and send a polite reminder. If you still receive no response, move on and try and put the whole issue behind you.
• Take the time every few weeks to review all your incoming communications and make sure that there are no loose ends that have been left unattended. A polite and apologetic email or message will soon redeem the situation.
• Make it a rule that you will always communicate decisions you have made that will have an impact on other people. Whether it is a leave day or unplanned absence or a change of mind about a professional commitment, behave as considerately as you would in the social realm and ensure that everyone is kept fully informed.
• Remember, even when you are communicating disappointing news it is possible to do so kindly and politely. Always fully explain the circumstances behind decisions and sign off with reassurances that you would like to remain in touch, you will be in contact in the future, or you wish the other person well, which will always mitigate any feelings of negativity. No matter how disappointed someone is they will be much more able to move on if they understand the decision.
• If you are an employer or manager, be meticulous about communicating promptly in your workplace. If you set an example of considerate communication to your team or employees, you will be creating a culture where ghosting is not tolerated.
Celebrities have always attracted fans, but the relationship is intensifying, sometimes in problematic ways. Social media is giving fans unprecedented access to celebrities and helping to foster the illusion of relationship. The very real distance between fans and artists is greatly diminished in cyberspace, leading to the phenomenon of the “parasocial relationship”, a term that describes intense, one-sided attachments to celebrities or public figures. Social media also facilitates the formation of vast fan networks, which can whip up hero worship to an alarming degree.
When it all goes wrong, the world of fandom can turn very nasty indeed. There has been a recent spate of incidents at gigs, when over-excited fans have thrown objects (ranging from mobile phones to a bag containing cremated ashes) at performers on stage, in some cases causing actual physical injury. Post-pandemic, live audiences have passionately re-engaged with performers, and this has led to troubling breaches of behavioural norms.
The word fan comes from the Latin fanaticus, meaning “insanely but divinely inspired”. “Stan” is a new term that has recently been coined to denote fans who teeter into the realm of online stalking and whose relationship with their chosen celebrity is deeply troubling. Their fervour when it comes to defending the object of their attention has led to many instances of threatening and toxic behaviour online.
Why do people become fans? It is argued that, on one level, being a fan is a positive trait because it fosters a sense of belonging and group identity. Uniting with other people in admiration and adulation of a celebrity, a sports personality, or a team can be a bonding experience, a shared enthusiasm, which helps to create a distinct social identity. But this is the healthy end of the fan spectrum: psychologists have identified a sliding scale, which tips fans from the enjoyable and socially bonding end to intense personal fixation to borderline pathological adulation. At the extreme end of the spectrum fans display addictive, compulsive and narcissistic behaviour and begin to deviate from social norms, straying into perilous territory.
This disturbing slide into dark obsessiveness is frequently compounded by our current celebrity culture, where the objects of fan worship – whether they are performers, creators or influencers – are expected to “feed” the fans’ single-minded fascination through their own social media presence. This often involves releasing telling details about their private lives, and these tantalising morsels in turn generate yet more obsession and fascination. It is scarcely surprising that some celebrities are refusing to play the game and are increasingly withdrawing from their admiring public.
Clearly, when admiration segues into stalking and harassment, when the desire to interact with celebrities leads to fans actually inflicting physical injury on them, the situation needs to be addressed. If you’re a fan who is lucky enough to enjoy a physical encounter with a celebrity, observe the following etiquette:
How to be a Considerate Fan
• If you’re out and you spot a celebrity, don’t take a surreptitious, clandestine photograph. If you’re spotted, it will compound the celebrity’s paranoia about being stalked. Be up front about it and ask permission. Assess the situation objectively: if the star in question is locked in an intimate conversation with a partner, or having dinner with the family, accept that the most considerate option might be to choose not to intrude and to leave them alone to get on with their lives.
• When it comes to asking if you can take a photograph, you can never be too polite. Use tentative phrases like “Excuse me”, “Would you mind if….?”. or “Could I possibly….?” Remember celebrities are not public property and you do not have an inalienable right to poke a camera at them. If your target asks you to stop photographing or filming, do so immediately, no ifs, no buts. Always thank celebrities politely if they do allow you to photograph them.
• Many fans want selfies with their favourite celebrities. Obviously, if you are seeking the holy grail of the selfie, you must ask politely. If permission is secured, you will of course have to huddle quite close to them, but you must be extremely careful about physical proximity. Never touch them, put your arms around their shoulders, grab a quick kiss. You should always be respectful of their physical boundaries.
• If a celebrity agrees to a selfie, don’t turn it into a production number. Be quick and efficient about taking the photograph – there are bound to be other fans waiting and plenty of people seeking their attention.
• Don’t monopolise celebrities. If you’re queuing up for an autograph or a signed book, bear in mind that other fans are waiting. You may have dreamed of this long-awaited encounter, but you must accept that you are just one of many, and that everyone should have a chance too.
• You know why you’re obsessed with certain celebrities, but they haven’t a clue. So, if you approach someone for an autograph, a photograph, or a selfie, it’s always a good idea to hand out a brief compliment or explanation. Just saying something like “I really loved your performance in xxxxxxxx” or “I read xxxxxxxxx when I was sixteen and it changed my life!”, will make the whole encounter much less transactional and will give the object of your adulation a chance to bask in genuine praise, rather than feeling that they are warding off unwanted advances.
• Keep comments positive. You may have been disappointed by a hero’s latest performance or feel that they have made a bad choice or taken a misstep, but it really is not your business to air your grievances. Remember you do not have a real-life relationship with the celebrity; you are, first and foremost, a fan, and it is your job to be a positive and enthusiastic cheerleader not a carping critic.
• Don’t objectify celebrities. Making intrusive comments about their physical appearance, their clothes, or their sexuality (especially during personal encounters) will make them feel like cheap commodities. Is that really what you want?
• If you feel moved to throw an object on to the stage when a celebrity is performing, accept that you need help. Your perception of the physical boundaries between yourself and the performer has clearly broken down. You may think your action will grab the star’s attention, but you are more likely to find yourself being frogmarched out by security.
“To yawn in the presence of others, to lounge, to put your feet on a chair, to stand with your back to the fire, to take the most comfortable seat in the room, to do anything which shows indifference, selfishness, or disrespect, is unequivocally vulgar and inadmissible.”
Routledge’s Manual of Etiquette, 1860
Scientists are still uncertain about why we yawn. They have identified many triggers that cause yawning, including fatigue, boredom, anxiety, hunger. But the physiological purpose of this universal habit remains enigmatic. Many scientists believe that yawning is a brain cooling mechanism, and its function, which is most apparent when we’re in situations that lack emotional stimulation, is to promote arousal and alertness. Everyone agrees that yawning is highly contagious, rippling through a group and even affecting empathetic dogs. In fact, yawning is associated with empathy: when humans watch other people yawn, brain areas known to be involved in social function are activated.
Yawning is considered rude in most circumstances. As we can see from the above quote, it was viewed as the height of bad manners during the Victorian era, and many of these attitudes still prevail today. While we no longer dismiss yawning as “vulgar”, it is seen as rude and disrespectful because it implies that the yawner is bored and is making no attempt to conceal the fact.
Of course, this is not necessarily the case and sometimes overwhelming fatigue can cause a bout of yawning. If that is the case, and you feel you are about to be overwhelmed by a yawning attack, you might do well to signal the fact verbally. Say something like “I do apologise, but I didn’t get very much sleep last night and I can’t stop yawning.” If you do this, you will be indicating to the people you are with that you’re not yawning because you have been overcome by boredom. However, it is best not to inflict your fatigue on other people – if you’re too tired to socialise without yawning, you should be in bed.
If you want to stifle a yawn, you should cover your mouth with your hand and apologise. It is better to acknowledge the yawn politely (“Excuse me”), as it is extremely difficult to conceal a yawn, especially if it is accompanied by sound effects and watering eyes. If you feel a yawn is coming on, try taking deep, slow breaths and controlling your breathing. If you’re in a situation where you’re being closely scrutinised, taking a sip of water will help to disguise your yawn.
Be aware that uninhibited yawning, which many people feel they can safely indulge in on the phone, is audible because it distorts the sound of the voice and can be very off-putting. If you communicate frequently through video messaging or FaceTime, remember that yawns are particularly incriminating on a screen, where other people are focused on your facial expression and there is nowhere to hide.
If you are mid-conversational flow and you see people around you yawning, take note. If more than one person is yawning, then it is likely that you are being boring, or perhaps indulging in a monologue, which is essentially depriving your audience of the stimulus of participating in the conversation, which would probably solve the yawning problem. The reaction isn’t very polite but it’s telling you something, and you’d do well to change the subject or ask some questions and re-focus the conversation.
If you’re hosting, and you see your guests yawning, they might well be ready for departure or bed. You should also be alert to the sight of people stifling their yawns, a clear indication that they’d like the evening’s socialising to end but are too polite to make the first move. If they’re staying overnight, acknowledge that it’s getting late, and bring the evening to a close. If they’re going home, you will need to wait for your guests to make moves to depart – you might speed them on their way if you yawn yourself (which you very likely will, as yawning is infectious). If all else fails you can always drop heavy hints by beginning to subtly start clearing away glasses and plates (avoid loud clattering in the kitchen), a tried and tested signal that it’s time for bed.
At Debrett’s we have often written about the necessity of writing thank-you notes and today we are focusing on thanks for hospitality. A letter thanking a host is known as a “bread and butter letter” a term that probably originated in America in the 19th century. Mrs Lyman, writing in The Ladies’ Home Journal of February 1894 opines: “The ‘bread and butter letter,’ as it is sometimes called, because it is supposed to be an expression of thanks for what bread and butter stands for, should be written within twenty-four hours after arrival at one’s destination, to the hostess whose hospitality one has been enjoying.”
So far, so prescriptive. But society has changed a great deal over the last century, and for many hosts the prompt receipt of a handwritten note is a distant memory. While we are great supporters of the handwritten letter and have written at length about the fact that the effort the writer has gone to (locating stationery, envelope, stamp, handwriting the note legibly) is seen as being commensurate with their gratitude, we must accept that thank-you notes are increasingly sent by email and text.
The main point is that some sort of thanks should be sent. It is fine to send a quick text when you’ve been given an informal supper by old friends. More formal entertaining, and overnight stays, will warrant a lengthier missive, whether it is by post or email. You need to demonstrate your gratitude and appreciation to your hosts; moreover, most hosts will be grateful for the affirmation and reassurance that they receive from a thank-you note, which is a great way of allaying any social anxiety a host might be feeling after an event. We cannot argue with Mrs Lyman’s assertion that bread and butter letters should be sent soon after the event – if you leave it more than two or three days it will begin to look like a careless afterthought.
Whatever the means of sending the message, the important thing is to make it sound heartfelt and to resist formulaic phrasing and meaningless clichés. If a thank-you letter sounds like something that was written on autopilot it is as good as useless. This is an example of how not to write a thank-you note:
Dear Maisie and Felix
Thank you for having me to stay last weekend.
I really enjoyed my stay. The food was delicious! Unfortunately, my train was cancelled on the way back, and I didn’t get home until midnight.
I look forward to seeing you both again soon.
Love
Harriet
This letter fails on several levels. It is flat and dutiful and completely generic. No mention is made of any specific hospitality (the company, the food that was served, the house and garden, an outing etc). The complaint about the train rounds the whole letter off on a needlessly negative note. There is nothing the hosts can do about the vagaries of public transport, but they are made to feel vaguely responsible. Thank-you notes should always be relentlessly positive and any inconveniences or difficulties associated with the occasion should never be revealed.
The example below demonstrates the effusive tone and small details that should distinguish your thank-you note:
Dear Maisie and Felix
I just wanted to drop you a note to say thank you so much for all your generous hospitality last weekend.
The garden was looking superb, and we were so lucky with the weather – it was so relaxing to be able to sit outside late in the evening, sipping your lovely English wine and watching the sunset.
Thanks for introducing me to your neighbours – Nathan was really entertaining and I’m hoping to meet up with Eleanor when she’s up in London next week. You’re lucky to have such a convivial couple living nearby.
I very much appreciated all the delicious food, particularly the fresh mackerel we bought down at the harbour front. What a treat!
I do hope you’ll be able to come and visit me in London very soon. Do let me know when you’ve had a chance to look at your diaries and we can make plans.
Much love
Harriet
This letter is warm and positive. The writer picks out various highlights of the weekend (the garden, the wine, the neighbours, the food), and comments on them in a very upbeat way, demonstrating that she savoured every moment and appreciated all the hospitality. Focusing on details (the English wine, the mackerel) demonstrates that certain aspects of the hospitality were outstanding and therefore worthy of comment. Approbation (of the garden and the neighbours) reassures the hosts, who will feel validated by all the compliments. It is always a good idea to end a thank-you note with offers of reciprocal hospitality – even it they are fairly vague, they indicate that the event was a success and reinforce feelings of friendship.
If you feel that you may have transgressed in some way (over-boisterous drunken behaviour, an unpleasant row with a fellow guest, a spill or breakage), now is the time to apologise. Add a paragraph offering sincere regrets, but only after you have expressed your gratitude, and try to wrap up the apology in a compliment. For example: “I am so sorry if I over-indulged in your delicious single malt whisky on Saturday night. I fear the political discussion may have become over-heated and can only apologise – you were obviously far too lavish with your hospitality.” Or, “I really must apologise for my clumsiness: you were so understanding when I broke the little vase in my bedroom. I shall be keeping an eye open for a suitable replacement.”
