We’re getting used to being fed a daily diet of downfall: big figures who are cut down to size; arrogant egoists whose relentless self-promotion ends in ignominy; high achievers who make a fatal error. But how are we meant to react to this information?
Schadenfreude is a German word for harm (Schaden) and joy (Freude), which denotes the delight we take in other people’s downfall. We all experience it at one time or another and it can range from the mean-spirited pleasure we take in an enemy’s travails, to full-blooded delight when the super-arrogant and super-complacent get their comeuppance.
What is the difference between schadenfreude and gloating? Broadly speaking, gloating means to observe, think about or comment upon something with often malicious delight and satisfaction. The main feature that distinguishes it from schadenfreude is that it denotes an action rather than a state of mind. Gloaters generally communicate their feelings of malicious pleasure and superiority to other people, often with an exuberant lack of inhibition. While the emphasis in schadenfreude is on the pleasure taken in others’ misfortune, gloating goes one step further, because it is often an opportunity for the gloater to dwell on other people’s predicament whilst displaying a large dose of smug self-satisfaction.
You need to be very careful about gloating, as it can come back to haunt you. It can come across as unseemly and inappropriate: should you really be that thrilled by another person’s disaster? Does your obvious delight make you look like a mean-spirited person? Are you confident that you are immune from failure? It’s easy to be smug about your own sense of superiority, but when things go wrong you may well be left with egg on your face. Are you sure that your gloating target is down and out? It can be very hard to find your way back from a gloating cul-de-sac – once you’re outed yourself as gleeful gloater it’s very hard to recover.
Articulating your pleasure in the fact that someone you dislike is suffering is a short-term game and can prove counterproductive. If you actually want to change people’s minds or bring other people round to your own point of view, you may find that gloating has the opposite effect, driving your wounded targets into a defensive position and making them into lifelong enemies. It would be much more effective to take the high ground, to remain calm, empathetic, considered and thoughtful. Concealing your gloating beneath a mask of impeccable good manners is an excellent way of ensuring you never put a foot wrong socially.
On the other hand, we all tend to see public figures as fair game. We have a penchant for gloating about the downfall of public figures and feel we can do it with impunity. Unless we are public commentators our malicious pleasure will never find its way to the victim’s ears, and it is a good way of letting off steam and bonding with fellow like-minded gloaters.
But what about closer to home, for example in the workplace? Gloating about your colleagues’ misfortunes and mistakes could make you look petty and unprofessional and might make fellow team-members nervous about trusting you. So follow these recommendations to ensure you don’t come across as an inveterate gloater:
• Learn from the failure of others
Rather than indulging in some pleasurable gloating, try to understand what went wrong. If you appreciate what you can learn from other people’s mistakes you will be thinking positively. Ultimately, you may ensure that you do not fall into the same trap.
• Be sympathetic
It may be tempting to adopt an “I told you so” tone when a colleague makes a mistake, but it is certainly much more constructive to provide a sympathetic ear, and to offer help and advice if it is sought. Wait until you are asked; unsolicited advice can all too easily mutate into “I wouldn’t have done that” gloating.
• Don’t badmouth your colleagues
Pointing out your colleagues’ errors and failings is a poor strategy. You may think that gloating over other people’s failings makes you look good, but in fact it makes you look disloyal and unsupportive and might do irreparable harm to your reputation. It would be much more politic to demonstrate a sympathetic willingness to solve any problems and support your team.
• Think carefully about getting involved
Sometimes, when there has been a major disaster at work, it is best to steer clear of the situation altogether. If you bear no responsibility for the debacle, then you might do well to stay untainted by the fallout; using a bad situation to make yourself look good can be a high-risk strategy.
The days of flying being in any way glamorous are long gone for most air-travellers. For most people, flying is a means to an end and they dread the crowded airport, the queuing, the cramped seating and proximity to fellow passengers. But in these testing circumstances, common courtesy should still apply, whether in first class or on a no-frills carrier, and will go some way to mitigating any inconvenience or discomfort.
In general, it is best to approach the whole experience with an air of calm detachment. Once you enter the airport terminal you have very little agency; you must simply react to instructions and announcements, and the best you can do is to respond promptly and efficiently. It is polite to others to be organised: queue patiently, have your documentation ready and be prepared for security checks.
In airport lounges, respect the ambience and atmosphere. If fellow-passengers are attempting to work, then loud conversations (with friends and colleagues, or on mobiles) should be avoided. Similarly, avoid conducting confidential or sensitive business calls in earshot of fellow passengers. Departure lounges can get very crowded, so be considerate about seating and don’t use empty chairs as depositories for all your baggage and possessions.
Be polite to the crew and queue calmly and patiently to board; do not push and shove or attempt to queue-barge. Once on board, try to sit down as quickly as possible. Avoid blocking the aisle when stowing bags in the overhead lockers and be aware of those of a smaller build who may need help lifting up bags and cases. When the plane lands, be patient, help other passengers with heavy bags, and let parent and children disembark first. You may be desperate to get off the plane ahead of everybody else, but a few minutes delay will not make much difference.
Stay within your own designated space and do not hog the armrest. Manspreading should be avoided when space is ast a premium.
Be courteous to a neighbour by getting up to let them out into the aisle, not making them scramble over you. Don’t tug on the back of the seat in front of you as you haul yourself to your feet – it will disturb the passenger in front of you.
It is fine to avoid all but the most essential conversation and best to make it clear that you do not wish to talk by shutting your eyes, reading or putting on your headphones, even if nothing is playing.
It’s stressful taking children on planes as they hate being confined for long periods. Before you fly with children, think about keeping them entertained and come well equipped with crayons, papers, books, or a tablet (make sure that you bring headphones).
Wriggling, restless children have a tendency to kick, jolt, or otherwise interfere with, the seat in front, so you need to be on your guard, or your child will drive the unfortunate victim mad. Restrain children from running up and down the aisle, especially when the lights are off.
If a baby or child is upset during the flight, parents can try getting up and walking around – cabin space is limited, but a child may respond well to a change of scene. Nobody wants a child to cry on the plane, so other passengers should avoid showing irritation. If they do display frustration, they will only make harassed parents feel even more fraught, which may well communicate itself to the child and prolong the agony. If children around you are very noisy, it is always a good idea to use headphones or earbuds to screen out most of the din.
There is no doubt that, on economy flights with cramped seating, having a seat reclined in front of you can make you feel trapped and claustrophobic (though it has no measurable impact on your legroom). It would be considerate, therefore, to refrain from reclining your seat on short-haul flights, and accept that it will enhance other passengers’ comfort if you forego the chance of snatching a quick sleep. After all, on short-haul flights many passengers are working on laptops, or travelling with small children, which is very difficult if the seat in front is reclined.
Long-haul flights are a different story, and many passengers will choose to while away night-time hours sleeping in a reclined position. If you want to recline your seat, follow these suggestions:
• Before you do anything, look behind you and check the situation of the passenger (they may, for example be working, or have a small child on their lap).
• If possible, make eye contact and say something polite like “I’m just going to recline my seat for a while – I hope that’s okay.” Faced with a polite enquiry, most people won’t object.
• Try and ease your seat gently back into the recline position and opt for a compromise position that will not impede the passenger behind too badly. Avoid an abrupt catapult into the full recline position, which may well cause disruption in the row behind.
• Don’t contemplate reclining your seat during the drinks and meal service – it’s hard enough juggling a drink and meal combination on a small fold-down tray at the best of times, and almost impossible when the tray has descended below your knee level.
If you see yourself as the ‘victim’ of an inconsiderate seat-recliner in the row in front, do not have recourse to passive-aggressive reactions like kicking the seat in front, or pointing the light or air nozzle at the guilty culprit. This sort of behaviour can escalate into out-and-out conflict, and nobody wants a violent argument in a cramped cabin at 30,000 feet.
If you are unbearably uncomfortable, you could try a very polite request: “I’m so sorry, but would you mind just easing up your seat a bit?” If that doesn’t work you could take your problem to the cabin crew – it’s possible that they might be able to seat you elsewhere, or they might be willing to intervene and reiterate your request. As always, make your request politely, don’t demand that they sort out the problem. Just say something like “Excuse me, I’m sorry to trouble you, but I’m very cramped here, is there another seat available/would you mind asking the passenger in front if they could ease up a bit?”
Remember, everyone has the right to recline. You may feel that you take priority because you want to work on the flight, or because you are exceptionally tall and therefore already over-cramped, but you don’t. It is sometimes hard to accept, but each passenger has purchased a ticket and with it has acquired certain rights. The very best option is to stay calm and polite throughout, and hope that you can negotiate reasonable compromises.
Headphones, AirPods and wireless earbuds are an effective way of sealing yourself off from the world and creating your own hermetic zone of privacy. With increasingly efficient noise-cancelling technology you can effectively block out all external noise stimuli and curate your own soundscape, be it music, podcasts or talking books.
During the pandemic many of us got used to living in our own worlds, listening to music or podcasts while we worked a home, secure in the knowledge that we were not having a negative impact on anyone. But it is problematic to take this kind of behaviour into a social or office space; if you are wearing headphones or earbuds you will not be able to hear conversations, join in impromptu brainstorming sessions, eavesdrop and pick up interesting intelligence, or collaborate with colleagues sitting nearby.
Whilst prominent headphones, or earbuds with dangling wires advertise their presence, earbuds and AirPods are discreet and unobtrusive and people around you might not even be aware you are using them. This can be disconcerting and frustrating for all concerned – nobody wants to feel that they have been wasting their time trying to communicate someone who is effectively dead to the world.
Whatever device you use, there is a risk that other people may find your desire to withdraw and effectively ‘shut down’ communication rude and offensive and some workplaces are now banning these devices, which they feel are detrimental to productivity and collegiality. Here are some etiquette tips to help you navigate the world of headphones:
• If you work in an open plan office where there is frequently conversation and interchange of ideas between colleagues, do not wear headphones or earbuds – you will be a much more valuable staff member if you stay alert, tune into conversations around you and contribute to the general discourse.
• Accept that most workspaces are social and interactive, and that headphones or earbuds are therefore inappropriate. You may long to escape into your latest podcast or block out the world with music, but you will look come across as a stand-offish non-participant, which is never a good look.
• If your office is very noisy and you have a piece of work to do that demands intense concentration, you could tell colleagues that you’re using headphones or earbuds to cancel noise and gain focus. Make sure this is for a finite period; just say something like “I’ve really got to concentrate on writing this report for the next hour so I’m going use my earbuds”. It would be a better option, however, to find a breakout room or quiet space where you can work in peace.
• If you are wearing any kind of wireless earbud, whatever the reason, and someone approaches you and wants to talk, take out both earbuds and focus on the conversation – do not leave one earbud in your ear and look half-committed or distracted. People will assume you’re anxious to escape back into your private world and that you resent the intrusion.
• Never leave your headphones or earbuds in your ears when you are placing an order in a bar, café or restaurant or interacting with a shop assistant. It is extremely disrespectful to people who are serving you, as it implies that they are not worthy of your full attention.
• Be sensitive about using headphones or earbuds in very quiet spaces, such as libraries. If you’re listening at loud volume some of the noise may leak out and will be audible to neighbours, who may find it distracting and irritating.
• It’s fine to use these devices on public transport, but if you are using them be extra vigilant about the people around you – somebody might be asking you to move a bag so they can sit down, or requesting help with an item of luggage, and if you can’t hear and you’re not picking up on visual clues, you could come across as rude or oafish.
• Many people opt to stay plugged in when they’re walking around town and negotiating heavy traffic. This is very dangerous; part of being a safe pedestrian is listening to traffic sounds around you, which alert you to take extra precautions at pedestrian crossings and junctions. There is also a tendency, if you become absorbed in your playlist or podcast, to switch off from the real world and enter a dreamlike, disassociated state. This plays havoc with your concentration and focus and might actually be a safety hazard.
While all these devices have obvious benefits and attractions, they should be used discriminately. There are many circumstances in which you will be tempted to switch off the cacophony of the real world and tune into your own soundtrack. But remember that, whenever you interact with fellow humans, you will need to be mindful and observant and that means listening as well as looking.
Once again, it’s school sports day season. All over the country parents will be unleashing their inner demons, screaming encouragement from the side-lines at their hapless children, or demonstrating their own overwhelming urge to compete and triumph whilst sanctimoniously informing their children, “it’s not all about winning, it’s about competing well” etc. Many children must be deeply confused by these mixed messages, and understandably embarrassed by their rogue parents’ behaviour.
On the face of it, school sports’ days are fleeting, frivolous affairs – victories and disasters are soon forgotten or become the subject of amusing anecdotes. But the behaviour that parents display on these occasions can also be highly indicative of an unfortunate tendency to be super-competitive. This drive to succeed can plague many a child’s school years, putting them under intense pressure and making their lives miserable. It can also turn parents into pushy monsters, ever intent on trumpeting their child’s triumphs, seeking out opportunities to boast about their achievements, not so subtly probing other parents at the school gate to establish precisely where their child sits in the pecking order.
While primary school students guilelessly strive for gold stars and approbation, by the time children reach secondary school they often feel they are on a relentless treadmill, striving for respectable grades at GCSE and A-level, scrabbling for university places. They are frequently egged on by ambitious parents, who are intensely focused on these external signs of achievement, and prone to overlook their children’s extra-curricular interests, social life, self-confidence and contentment.
Look out for these signs of competitive parents:
• Demonstrating a burning desire to win
When parents are called upon to compete at school sports days, and unleash their inner Usain Bolt, Ben Stokes or Marcus Rashford, take careful note. Their implacable desire to win at all costs demonstrates a disconcertingly naked competitive spirit and a steadfast refusal to participate in the good-humoured spirit of the event, with its ignominious sack races and rough and tumble tugs of war. Their tendency to be ruthlessly competitive, whatever the situation, is sending a daunting message to their unfortunate children.
• Screaming on the side-lines
Whether it’s the school sports day, or a football or hockey match, an extremely voluble parent on the side-lines who directs loud encouragement and abuse at their child, not the team, is giving the game away. This behaviour will embarrass the child, but it also demonstrates – with horrible clarity – the parent’s obsessive desire for their child to excel.
• Refusing to listen to your child
If you find that your child is blatantly uninterested in an activity, be it a sport or learning to play the piano, take note. All parents are used to occasionally cajoling and wheedling their child out of laziness and inertia, but if their child is persistently negative about a certain activity parents really should recognise that making them continue might be more about satisfying their own ambitions rather than the child’s lack of commitment.
• Feeling frustrated with teachers
Parents who perpetually feel that teachers or coaches are failing their children, or not pushing them hard enough to succeed, may well be guilty of over-competitiveness. Teachers are professionals who understand each child’s capabilities and limitations, and know how to pace their learning, based on objectivity and experience. Parents should stop haranguing them or trying to impose their own educational agenda on them and try listening carefully to what they have to say.
• Buttonholing other parents
One of the defining characteristics of a competitive parent is the tendency to interrogate other parents about their own children’s developmental milestones. Information gleaned is this way is then, unforgivably, used to boast about their children, or to make smug remarks about how they’re “advanced” or “academic”.
• Living vicariously
It is hard to understand precisely what makes parents hyper-competitive, but it is frequently the case that they are using their children to channel their own unattained dreams and ambitions. This refusal to recognise a child’s unique individuality will inevitably lead to frustration and unhappiness – allowing children to find and pursue their own passions and interests will ensure that they feel happy and fulfilled.
These signs of competitive parenting may seem obvious, but people who display this tendency all too often justify their behaviour with remarks like “I only want what is best for my child”. They fail to see the anxiety and frustration they cause and are so blinkered by their own aspirations and ambitions that they do not understand the stress they foist on children, teachers and other parents.
Take a long, hard look at yourself and scrutinise your own behaviour on school sports’ day. Accept that your hysterical ‘encouragement’ of your child might be the beginning of a slippery slope and try to rein in any of the tell-tale signs of pushy behaviour. We argue that sports day will teach our children to be magnanimous in victory and gracious in defeat. Perhaps we should reserve this advice for their parents?
A survey by the British Retail Consortium in March 2023 has revealed that violence and abuse against retail employees had almost doubled from pre-pandemic levels, rising from a pre-Covid high of 450 incidents per day to over 850 per day in 2021/22. What is going on?
The pandemic has clearly had a negative effect on behaviour. Isolation, stress and anxiety have all taken their toll. When the social ties that bind us are forcibly broken, we can feel untethered and overwhelmed and many people have found it hard to adjust to ‘normal’ life and social interactions.
This difficulty has been compounded by some of the lasting changes brought about by the pandemic: hybrid and remote working have become the norm for many people and, while there are clearly many advantages when it comes to flexibility and an improved work-home balance, there are downsides. Feeling isolated and deprived of mundane interactions has left some people feeling depressed and frustrated. In this state of mind, people are easily pushed over the edge by seemingly innocuous requests or minor inconveniences and confrontations may ensue.
Many people found being confronted by a battery of rules and regulations during the pandemic hard to take – particularly so when they discovered the extent to which non-compliance was tolerated in the corridors of power. They therefore found that ‘release’ from the restrictions created a heady feeling of newfound liberty, which in some cases was combined with a new-found contempt for rules and regulations and a repudiation of any kind of authoritarian intervention in individual behaviour. This inevitably leads to clashes with service personnel, who are often at the front line when it comes to ‘policing’ everyday behaviour – following rules on aeroplanes, queuing protocols, adhering to safety regulations at leisure facilities, and so on.
But why are people so quick to fly off the handle and so unrestrained about throwing tantrums and hurling abuse when things don’t go their way? It appears that social norms are to some extent being undermined. The digital revolution has long been transforming the way we communicate and interact, and the inexorable advance of social media was inevitably escalated by pandemic restrictions. Many people increasingly lead a social life that is dominated by social media and text-based communication and are finding it hard to make the transition into face-to-face situations. There seems to be a disconnect between digital and real-life communication, and their online behaviour has become disinhibited. They regularly dish out abuse and insults online, becoming detached from notions of empathy, and incapable of imagining the impact their remarks will have on their targets.
Some people are now transferring these online traits into real life behaviour and are laying in to service personnel, making unreasonable demands, complaining bitterly about service, making insulting remarks, falling back on racial and sexual abuse and, in some instances, even resorting to physical violence. Rudeness can be contagious; when people use encounters with strangers as an outlet for negative emotions, stress or anxiety they erode the code of civility that governs all our interactions and, bit by bit, unruly behaviour becomes more normalised.
It goes without saying that this negative spiral must be halted. Politeness is also contagious, and everyone can play their part in reinstating everyday civility by moderating their own behaviour. Start by ensuring that everyday interactions are polite and positive: practise small talk and exchanging remarks with strangers; remember your ps and qs (saying ‘Good morning’, ‘hello’, ‘goodbye’, ‘please’, thank you); try to be pleasant and agreeable.
When things go wrong and you feel compelled to complain, don’t fly off the handle. Challenge yourself to remain calm and arm yourself with politeness and discretion. Never resort to aggression: do not lose your temper and never humiliate your target in public. Moderate your body language: do not loom over your victim or invade their physical space, try to maintain a neutral stance and facial expression. If you feel you are not making progress, politely ask to speak to a manager. Always think about the impact your remarks are having on your target: use your imagination to fully understand the impact of insults or bruising rudeness. If you can’t control your temper, remove yourself from the situation and revisit it later when you are feeling calmer. Above all, remember that persistent politeness and calm reasonableness are far more effective weapons than ranting and tantrums. Sometimes all you have to do is smile confidently and say “I’m sure we can resolve this”, or remind them of the reputation they have to uphold.
Good manners moderate our behaviour and ease our social interactions. They make people feel understood and appreciated and minimise conflict and aggression. We shouldn’t let the events of the last few years erode these essential skills.
Increasingly, in both a work and social context, our communication is digital. We communicate as fast as our fingers (or thumbs) will allow and inevitably the established rules of punctuation are being eroded. But does punctuation still matter?
Punctuation is important because it adds clarity to written prose and, when it is used correctly, eliminates ambiguity. It can also be employed to add emphasis or to convey emotion – double question marks or repeated exclamation marks will leave the reader in no doubt about the ‘tone’ of the writer, a paired question mark and exclamation mark (an ‘interrobang’) conveys both surprise and interrogation, whereas a simple question mark can communicate doubt and tentativeness as well as signalling a direct question.
It is important, in all your written communications, to be aware of context and to amend your punctuation style accordingly. Overuse of punctuation in a business email will make you look emotionally incontinent and will do nothing to project an air of quiet professionalism. On the other hand, punctuating a casual text exchange with friends with pedantic care might make you look buttoned-up or be interpreted as passive-aggressive.
In a work context, the main function of punctuation is to add clarity. Don’t be bamboozled by the digital medium into over-using slang and jargon and under-using punctuation. Write in short, clear sentences.
Ensure that correct punctuation is used. Do not use lower case letters throughout as this can appear lazy. Typing entire words in capital letters, on the other hand, may look over-insistent. If you want to emphasise something, try underlining or using italics.
Avoid abbreviations and text language. Many recipients will find this irritating or incomprehensible. Worse still, it looks like you simply can’t be bothered to write properly.
Email is a conversational medium, but this should not be reinforced by over-punctuating. Exclamation marks can look somewhat hectic and over-emphatic, emojis may appear childish and kisses should be avoided in a business context, where you need to be projecting calm competence.
We increasingly use texts, or other messaging apps such as Slack, in a work context, to communicate with colleagues, clients, suppliers. Texting is ideal for spontaneous communication, but it is important to always remember that you are at work and to ensure that, if in doubt, you err on the side of professionalism, and avoid abbreviations, overuse of punctuation, emojis and so on, and concentrate on writing short, clear sentences. Obviously, some work environments will encourage more laid-back forms of communication, but you need to be confident that you are recognising the norms of your workplace and not transgressing by texting over-casually, especially when you are communicating with senior management.
When it comes to texting friends, grammatical rules and punctuation are not prioritised, except when it is important to avoid ambiguity, but this can cause problems. A short text message can be alarmingly open to misinterpretation, with readers warily reading punctuation, or the lack of it, as a sign of sarcasm, irritation or passive aggression.
Full stops, in particular, seem to be a cause of disquiet, especially when they are used at the end of a text, with anxious texters interpreting a text that ends “Thanks.” as hostile and repressive. Many users will see the final full stop as redundant (it is quite clear that the message has ended) and over-formal and pedantic. It goes against the flowing, spontaneous, open-ended nature of texting communication. An ellipsis might seem like a suitable alternative, but those three dots are often interpreted with foreboding as an indication that something is wrong or unresolved, or that you are leaving something lingering or unsaid. On the other hand, a final exclamation mark is seen as a way of mitigating any notion of harshness and will end a text on a lighter note (although in many cases this will be entirely inappropriate).
With even a simple full stop appearing to pack a powerful punch, it is scarcely surprising that many texters have recourse to emojis, which can be useful ways of adding an emotional ‘gloss’ to verbal messages, giving the recipient very strong clues about how texts should be interpreted and ensuring that purely verbal messages are not misunderstood.
Many older generation texters, who have not grown up using digital media, will naturally tend to adhere to the rules of written punctuation that they were taught at school. Their messages will be text-book clear but may come across to a younger generation as formal and unfriendly. It is hardly reasonable to demand that these texters should change the habit of a lifetime; instead, we should all get into the habit of pausing for a moment to think about who we are communicating with and should make allowances for people who are from a different generation or social group. Nobody would recommend that you text your grandmother with a battery of abbreviations, random punctuation, slang and emojis – just apply the same level of sensitivity to all your recipients and don’t let a rogue full stop drive you into a downward spiral of paranoid over-interpretation.
Effective communication is about good manners, the ability to think about another person and speak directly to them, in their language and idiom. This ability, now that we are overwhelmed with new modes of communication, is now more important than ever. Remember, flagrant disregard of these general principles will lead to confusion and irritation and may actually cause offence.
We’ve all become much more assertive about our needs and requirements. We think nothing of reeling out long orders at cafés that embrace oat milk, gluten free bread, vegan options. We boldly state that we are lactose intolerant, have peanut allergies are avoiding carbs. We have no compunction when staying in hotels about complaining when we find the feathers in the bedding allergenic or objecting to the non-availability of decaffeinated coffee and sugar substitute. An increasingly consumerist society, access to targeted specialist advice online, an ever-increasing focus on well-being, health conditions and dietary requirements, as well as an expanding availability of products that have been created to cater to every human taste and condition, have all conspired to make us uninhibited about own peculiar sets of desires and requirements. Sometimes we can turn into over-demanding bulldozers.
A few weeks ago, Debrett’s conducted an informal survey on social media, posing a simple question: When invited to somebody's home for tea, is it rude to take your preferred brand of tea bags with you? 86.5% said yes, 13.5% said no. We were delighted to hear that a very substantial majority agreed with us: it is a fundamental precept of good manners that the guest is flexible, non-demanding and never does anything that will make the host feel inadequate about their hospitality. However, we were surprised to see that quite a few people thought this was acceptable behaviour.
Whilst transactions in shops, cafés and hotels should always be conducted politely, you are undoubtedly the customer and you are entitled to make polite requests and, within reason, for your expectations to be met. You are paying for a service after all.
However, when you are invited to somebody’s home the whole transaction changes fundamentally. While it is delightful and gratifying to be plied with excellent foods, a range of tea and coffee or tempting drinks, you must remind yourself that it is not the primary reason for visiting your friend’s house. You are visiting as a guest because the hand of friendship has been extended to you. The purpose of your visit is to enjoy a social interaction, participate in a conversation, get to know a new person, cement a friendship. The catering is secondary.
We all welcome signs that a host has taken trouble before our visit – a tidy house, laid table or tea tray, and signs of preparation in the kitchen are all encouraging indicators that your host has made an effort. As a guest, it is your primary function to show your appreciation and, as far as possible, to take what you are given and be gracious about it. If you suffer from a severe allergy, it is acceptable to refuse a dangerous offering, but it would be more polite to warn your host beforehand, rather than springing your condition on them at the last moment.
If it is a case of your host supplying a brand of tea that you do not favour, or only having caffeinated coffee available, then the polite thing to do would be to accept what is offered courteously and drink it without any fuss. If you really don’t like the drink on offer, say something like “just a small cup for me, please” and do your best to sip it slowly and finish it. Being obliged to drink a cup of breakfast tea when you actually prefer a cup of Jade oolong or Hibiscus blossom tea is hardly a terrible sacrifice.
If you are having dinner at someone’s house and you don’t drink alcohol, don’t turn up brandishing a bottle of sparkling mineral water or elderflower cordial for your own consumption. At the very least, tap water is always available; most hosts will have already catered for non-drinkers and will find your offering somewhat reproachful.
If you’re on a special diet, the politest option is to do your best to negotiate the food on offer with the minimum of fuss and eat what you can. If you feel your requirements are more all-embracing (eg vegan) or complex (relating to severe allergies), then it would be best to warn your host when you accept the invitation. In rare circumstances when you feel that the only sensible thing to do is to bring special items of food for your own consumption, leave any untouched food at the end of the evening; do not take it home with you, unless specifically requested to do so by the host.
Ultimately, when you are invited to someone’s home, you must block out the ever-louder cacophony of demands and desires that relate to your personal comfort. Take a moment to consider why you have been invited and accept it as a compliment, which should never be diminished by an inability to behave courteously. Discard your inflexible list of requirements, fall into step with your host, and be grateful for their hospitality – that way you’ll be able to concentrate on human relationships, which are what really matter.
This week we’re enjoying the Chelsea Flower Show, the traditional start to the British gardening season and a harbinger of horticultural delights over the next few months. As thousands of visitors pore over the innovative show gardens, revel in the floral abundance of the Great Pavilion, or treat themselves to a range of botanical treats from the exhibiting specialist nurseries, Chelsea is clearly an event that embodies and celebrates the British passion for gardens and gardening.
As late spring and summer unfold, millions of people will visit nurseries and garden centres, watch specialist television shows for guidance and inspiration and tend their own window-boxes, patios, terraces, allottments and gardens. Horticultural enthusiasts will enjoy participating in the Open Gardens scheme, which gives them a licence to snoop on other people’s gardens. At the grander end of the spectrum, they will enjoy summer visits to spectacular botanical display gardens, such as Kew or Wisley, and will be fascinated to explore the range of gardens expertly managed by organisations such as the National Trust and English Heritage.
Visitor numbers can be overwhelming at many of these sites and no doubt the gardeners responsible for their upkeep look on in trepidation when they see the hordes descending. We all visit gardens because we care about them, and are ravished by planting schemes, stunning designs, spectacular displays and exotic plants. It is therefore extremely important that we do our utmost to ensure that our visits leave a light footprint and do no damage to the precious sites that we are intent on preserving.
Follow our etiquette tips ensure that your appreciation does not come at a price:
• Always stick to paths and mowed areas (when permitted). Any deviation from these routes is potentially damaging and remember that areas of bare earth may be seeded and mulched and therefore should be treated with as much respect as flowerbeds.
• It is permissible to smell flowers and to touch them, extremely delicately and carefully. But under no circumstances should you pick them or take sneaky cuttings.
• You may fancy yourself as an accomplished gardener, but you should never take it upon yourself to do any spontaneous weeding or deadheading. The hosts will see your interference as a veiled criticism of their garden maintenance, and you may well be inflicting damage, rather than helping.
• Many beautiful gardens are enhanced by statues, plant containers and water features. Leave these well alone; do not perch on the edge of a fountain or lean against a statue. Never let your children splash around in water features – they’re ornamental, not recreational.
• Some gardens will have wild areas, with rocks and trees. However, even though it looks untended, this is a managed landscape, and the trees will have been lovingly tended, in some cases for many decades. Never allow children to climb trees, which can be extremely damaging.
• Many gardens do not allow dogs, or request that dogs are always kept on a lead, and this should be respected. Always clean up after dogs.
• Some gardens feature wildlife as well as plants. Whether you encounter koi carp, swans and ducks, peacocks or ponies, restrict yourself to admiring them from afar and never feeding them.
• Smoking or vaping in the gardens will certainly prevent other visitors from enjoying the delicate fragrances of the plants. Respect the natural environment and only smoke or vape in designated areas.
• Many gardens will provide areas for picnicking, but request that visitors do not picnic on the cultivated lawns or on path-side benches, so it is best if you avoid bringing food or beverages (apart from bottled water) when you are visiting gardens.
• If you’re listening to music on your mobile, ensure that you’re using headphones – gardens are valued for being peaceful and tranquil places, so ensure that you’re not a source of noise pollution.
• Follow good photography etiquette. Try and take photographs when nobody else is around so you’re not blocking access to the plants, and try to avoid loitering in front of a star attraction, endlessly fussing over selfie sticks, composition and poses. Never use a drone to photograph the garden.
• Never leave any litter behind you. Gardens are pristine natural environments and should be left as you found them. If you can’t find a bin, or if the receptacles are full, take your rubbish home with you.
• Remember that gardeners are passionate enthusiasts, so whatever garden you’re visiting, whether it’s on a domestic or grandiose scale, you can be sure that they will always respond positively to questions about plants and plant care. Above all, they will revel in your appreciation, so always remember to compliment them.
Flowers have been associated with weddings since Classical times. Their symbolism of new beginnings, fertility and optimism, played a major role in the weddings of Ancient Rome, when brides carried or wore flower garlands. In the Middle Ages, strong-smelling herbs such as dill were used to create sweet fragrances and were thought to ward off contagion and evil spirits. The Victorian era was much preoccupied with the language of flowers, and the belief that messages could be transmitted through the choice of a bloom and acknowledgement of what it denoted. As a result, flowers were much valued during courtship, and the choice of flowers for the bridal bouquet was symbolical as well as aesthetic.
Royal brides have carried an array of beautiful bouquets to their weddings, often featuring myrtle, roses, orchids, stephanotis, gardenia and lily of the valley. The emphasis, from Queen Victoria onwards, has been on white flowers – Victoria, who was married in the February, had snowdrops, Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon, the Queen Mother, carried a bouquet of lily of the valley, Queen Elizabeth II carried a bouquet of home-grown white orchids. Every royal bride since Queen Victoria has included myrtle in her bouquet; myrtle is thought to symbolise love, fertility and innocence, and was used in Greek and Roman wedding rituals.
When Lady Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon, the Queen Mother, was married in 1923 she spontaneously laid her bouquet of white roses on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier on her way into Westminster Abbey. She was perhaps remembering her own brother, Fergus, who was a casualty of the Great War, and this was the start of a royal tradition that persisted throughout the 20th century.
The bouquet completes the bride’s look and should be chosen to complement the wedding dress. As a rule, the more intricate the dress, the simpler the flowers should be, and vice versa. The shape of the bouquet should reflect the style of the dress, as well as complementing the line of the dress. It should be in proportion to the bride’s height and weight. A sleek fitted dress suits a tapering style of bouquet; a larger skirt suits a rounder shape. Tall brides should choose longer bouquets, whereas petite brides may opt for smaller versions. The bouquet should be held at hip-height. Many brides make the mistake of holding it too high, which spoils the line of the dress.
The colour of the bouquet should fit in with the wedding scheme and should coordinate with the bridesmaids’ dresses and the flowers at the ceremony and the reception. The flowers the bride chooses for the bouquet must fit with the general style and setting of the wedding. For example, peonies and English roses can suit the cottage-garden style of the country, whereas lilies, orchids and sculptural tropical stems are more appropriate for a chic and sophisticated city wedding.
It is best to keep flowers simple; some of the most stunning bouquets consist of only one or two types of bloom. Those that include many different types can look messy and lose impact.
The bride may wish to hold just one stem, have a bouquet of only one type of flower, or choose a combination of several types of bloom. Discuss ideas with the florist. Write down any thoughts in advance and take along a swatch of the dress fabric and any magazine cuttings that have inspired and caught the bride’s eye.
She must make sure she likes the scent of the flowers and steer clear of anything too pollen heavy. Bouquets can be made up of flowers alone but will often include a little greenery. A matching single stem can then be used to make buttonholes for the groom, best man, ushers, and fathers.
Ensure that a proper grip can be obtained and that it is comfortable to hold and not too heavy. Most florists wrap the holding place with satin ribbon, but grosgrain is a good alternative, as it is less slippery.
Timing is important; most florists need to be booked at least six months in advance for summer weddings. The budget should be discussed early on so that the florist is sure that they are recommending flowers within the right price range.
The choice of flowers is entirely personal. The florist will need to consider the rate at which they wilt, the time of year and the chosen theme for the day.
Virtually every flower imaginable can be obtained at any time of year from abroad, so the bride is free to choose whatever she wants. It is recommended, however, that seasonal flowers are chosen as they will be fresher and less expensive.
• Spring
Narcissi, Tulips, Muscari, Cherry Blossom, Lily of the Valley, Cymbidium Orchid, Honeysuckle.
• Summer
Peonies, Hydrangea, Garden Rose, Gardenia, Freesia, Iris, Sweet Pea, Lavender, Cornflower.
• Autumn
Alstromeria, Dahlia, Phalaenopsis Orchid, Antique Rose, Lisianthus, Michaelmas Daisy.
• Winter
Amaryllis, Snowdrop, English Arium, Velvet Rose, Mistletoe, Snowberry, Winter Jasmine.
Many ceremony venues will have restrictions on confetti. Metallic confetti is usually totally banned, and many venues dislike paper as it looks so unsightly afterwards. The dye can also seep into bridal fabrics and skin if it gets wet.
A good alternative is to use real flower petals. There are specialist companies offering petals from all sorts of flowers in different colours. Baby bridesmaids can hand these out in a basket, or small cones of petals can be distributed to guests.
The tradition of tossing the bouquet into the crowed evolved in England as a means of safeguarding the bride from rowdy guests. The bride was thought to embody good luck, and female guests tried to tear off pieces of her dress or bouquet as a good luck charm – tossing the bouquet over her shoulder was an effective way of heading off the crowds. It was believed that the single woman who catches it has received some of the bride’s good fortune and will be the next to marry.
If the bride wants to hold on to her bouquet as a keepsake, she can have a spare bouquet made specially to throw, or by removing a few stems to dry. Alternatively, the catcher may be willing to give it back.
The bouquet can be preserved after the wedding by hanging it upside down in a dark place. There are also specialist companies who professionally preserve the bouquet by freeze-drying.
We all know a know-all – someone who believes that they possess a superior intellect and wealth of knowledge and is determined to demonstrate that superiority at every opportunity. We all love trivia, useless knowledge and the occasional weird feats of memory, but most of us realise it is not clever to trumpet such empty expertise.
An overpowering urge to correct other people and to display superior knowledge is an unattractive tendency that will impair your ability to connect with people socially. Know-all behaviour is a form of showing off, a way of remorselessly displaying your pearls of wisdom to the assembled company. This impulse to dominate intellectually inevitably leads to a tendency to dismiss other people’s opinions, to sweep objections to one side, to tell other people how to do their job.
Know-all behaviour is likely to cause irritation or aversion; tentative statements, self-deprecation and a sense of humility are all ways in which we charm and flatter our companions and are a much more effective way of making friends than battering them with our sense of certitude and rectitude.
There are several characteristics that define know-alls. They tend to be argumentative and contentious, closed to other points of view and remorselessly unforgiving if any gaps or flaws in their knowledge are revealed. Attempts to disagree with them are often met with condescension. Their overriding priority is to impress and dominate; whatever subject comes up, they will seamlessly project themselves as an expert, often with little justification. They are strangers to self-doubt.
If you fear you might have tendencies in this direction, think about the following:
• Remind yourself that you’re not always right
Nobody knows everything. In fact, many experts confirm that the more we know about any given subject the less confident we feel about it, so brazen over-confidence is a clear indicator that we still have a lot to learn.
• Restrain your impulse to correct others
We all know that people who are constantly doling out corrections are intensely annoying and frustrating. It is strange that they are prioritising being right over making meaningful connections. Try asking yourself why you feel compelled to correct others and acknowledge that the self-satisfaction that comes from being right comes at a very heavy price.
• Take your time
Know-alls tend to be impulsive interrupters, who cannot stand to let a statement they perceive to be wrong go unchallenged. Practise the art of listening silently, and letting other people finish their train of thought. Once they have had their say, you can offer a considered opinion, and they may well be much more respectful of what you say if you appear to be calm and reasonable.
• Use qualifiers
Definitive statements can feel like body blows when you’re haranguing someone on your favourite subject or having an argument. But qualifications such as “I believe” or “I’ve heard” of “I’ve read somewhere” have an instant mitigating effect, making your assertions sound much more reasonable. Don’t litter your conversation with phrases like “I think you’ll find that” or “Actually” or “As a matter of fact”, which will simply serve to reinforce your overbearing demeanour.
• Ask questions
If you are overcome by an urge to tell people that they are wrong, or mistaken, at least try to phrase your challenge in a more socially acceptable way. Asking questions rather than handing out repressive corrections is the best way to approach this situation. Try using phrases like “Have you thought about…?”, “What about…?”, “Why do you think that?”.
• Embrace errors and inconsistency
Accept the fact that you don’t have to always be right and neither do other people. When you hear people saying something that you know to be incorrect, take a little time to monitor your response. A truly egregious error, which might lead to confusion or even more dire consequences, should be gently corrected. But quite often people mis-remember or exaggerate or embroider their anecdotes; there is nothing more annoying than a know-all who keeps interjecting with amendments, which undermine the person talking and have no real relevance to the subject in hand.
• Read the room
Some know-alls arm themselves with a shield of knowledge under the mistaken belief that it will stand them in good stead when they’re called upon to socialise or meet other people. They are fundamentally under-confident and self-conscious and think that an impressive array of knowledge will disguise their shortcomings. But in many circumstances people you meet will not want to be regaled with your mini-lectures and painstaking explanations, so you need to learn to assess the social atmosphere and listen to the tone of the conversation. People who are enjoying banter, teasing and trivial chit-chat, are not likely to be won over by someone who is intent on lecturing them. As a general default, in most social situations it always better to ask people questions and listen carefully to their responses, rather than tell them about yourself and your preoccupations.
• Admit you’re wrong
Everyone is wrong sometimes and being able to hold up your hands and admit your errors, preferably with a little humour, is a very useful social skill. Your instinct is probably to defend yourself when challenged, but this could lead to you digging an ever-deeper hole for yourself. Pause, consider the challenge and – if it is correct – try to immediately acknowledge it (no ifs, buts, circumlocutions). Practise saying “you’re quite right”, “I should have phrased that differently”, “I think I might have got that wrong”, and do your best to speak these phrases with humour and modesty. People will instantly warm to you and find you less over-bearing.
