In our working lives we are likely to encounter a range of meetings – from small informal get-togethers in the department, to video meetings, to large conferences or board meetings. However, the rules governing the way meetings are run and how you should behave during them do not vary greatly. All meetings should be efficient. Everyone should come away from any meeting feeling that it has been worthwhile.
At the formal end of the spectrum meetings are characterised by certain practices and expectations, which may be overlooked or dispensed with in less formal settings. If you familiarise yourself with formal meeting etiquette you won’t be overwhelmed by the proceedings and will be able to make a useful contribution.
• Be punctual. Ensure that you, as chairperson, get the meeting underway at the correct time. Sometimes it’s permissible to wait for any important late attendees, apologising to those present for the delay and explaining why this is necessary.
• Make introductions. It may then be appropriate to introduce those present, or to ask each person to introduce himself or herself. The more formal the meeting, the more the responsibility for introductions lies with the chairperson.
• Maintain meeting momentum. The main duty of a chairperson is to ensure that the meeting proceeds at an efficient rate, that everyone is given the opportunity to voice their views, that nobody hijacks the meeting for their own purposes, and that slanging matches are avoided.
• Preserve impartiality. As chairperson you may put your own views before the meeting, but this is best done after everyone else has done so. It should never appear that you are setting out to predetermine the way the discussion takes place and the results of that discussion.
• Keep focused. Once discussion is underway, you will have to check that it doesn’t wander from the point, that people are not simply making the same point repeatedly, that everybody is having the opportunity to put their point of view. You must do all this without appearing to favour one side over the other.
• Stick to the agenda. Most people like to see the meeting moving towards its close as swiftly as possible. However, there is always the risk that your meeting will be attended by someone who likes the sound of their own voice and enjoys raising ‘points of order’. You will need to identify this person and be firmly repressive.
• Close proceedings. Once the agenda has been discussed, the chairperson should bring the meeting to an end, thanking all present and, if necessary, fixing the time and place of the next meeting.
• Prepare ahead. The agenda and any supporting documents will normally have been circulated in advance, and it is a working assumption that all attendees will have read and understood these papers.
• Arrive early. Try and arrive 15 minutes before the meeting is due to start. You can exchange greetings with colleagues, have a coffee, get settled in and arrange your papers before the meeting commences.
• Switch off. All mobiles, laptops etc should be switched off and stowed away. Switching your phone to silent and putting it on the table in front of you is an unacceptable compromise. You need to make it clear that you are not contactable during the meeting.
• Observe the social niceties. At the beginning of the meeting handshakes, polite greetings and some civilised small talk are absolutely essential. Even if you’re anticipating impassioned debate and disagreement, you must always stay courteous.
• Respect the chair. Only one person can run the meeting effectively, so you must always accede to his/her directions.
• Listen carefully. Don’t half-listen while you plan your next interjection and give your colleagues space in which to speak and be heard. If you want to speak, wait your turn and put up your hand to attract the chair’s attention. If you interrupt someone while they’re speaking, they may lose their focus and time will be wasted.
• Watch your body language. Sit up straight, engage in eye contact with colleagues, look at the person who is speaking. Don’t fidget, doodle or turn away from the table. It will make everyone around you feel uneasy.
• Be aware of your audience. When it’s your turn to speak, keep concise and focused – the meeting should be orientated to decision-making and should adhere to a schedule. Don’t try and impress fellow attendees with your extraordinary grasp of minute detail – they will be much more interested in your ability to summarise a position succinctly and clearly.
• Accept disagreement. There will be many arguments before consensus is reached, and you may find that your ideas are challenged or even ridiculed. Approach these disputes robustly, and don’t allow yourself to become over-sensitive. If tempers are running high and voices are raised, it’s wise to apologise immediately and explain that it is not your intention to cause offence.
• Be concise and action focused. Minutes should be circulated within 36 hours of the meeting (for very formal meetings, a separate minute-taker should be present who is not a participant in the meeting). Take your assigned actions seriously and conclude them in a timely fashion.
It is reasonable to presume, when you are out in the world and socialising, that you will show your best face to the world. Especially if you are enjoying hospitality, the expectation is that you will be positive, amenable and enthusiastic. It is a social obligation to behave well and to do your utmost to be polite and engaging at all times.
However, this expectation may be undermined when we feel aggrieved, overlooked, or patronised. People who have, for whatever reason, taken umbrage often resort to passive aggression – conveying their negative feelings by disengaging, radiating discontent and signalling their unwillingness to be convivial. People who behave in this way can completely change the social dynamic, transforming a happy occasion into something much more troubling and highly charged.
This form of manipulative behaviour will be familiar to all of us from childhood, when it is frequently deployed in a comically histrionic way, and it is disturbing how persistent and subtly effective it can be amongst some adults. Passive aggression is much displayed in familial and romantic relationships, and can set up disastrous patterns of behaviour, where the sulker enjoys the upper hand, wielding his/her discontent to the consternation of concerned loved ones and creating a poisonous atmosphere.
When it comes to social relationships, this tendency is also much in evidence. Small slights and setbacks – an overlooked acquaintanceship, a sub-standard meal, a remark that is taken the wrong way – can upset the social equilibrium, and a person who is determined to revel in feelings of being hard done by and sulks can blight social occasions for everyone.
At times like this, it is vital to remember that it is not always about you – your feelings, wishes, or disappointments. When you accept an invitation to a social event, you are entering into a social contract. The assumption is that you will discard egotism, put your best foot forward and make a meaningful contribution. If you are unwell, overtired, stressed or in any way debilitated, then it would be sensible to politely refuse the invitation, on the grounds that you cannot guarantee that your presence will enhance proceedings.
If you are going to a restaurant as somebody’s guest, or for a special celebration such as a birthday dinner, you will need to adjust your behaviour to the occasion. It is not appropriate to make a fuss about the menu, the service or the quality of the meal. While you are quite entitled to complain about these things when you are the person who is picking up the bill in everyday circumstances, if you are going to a restaurant to treat somebody else you must ensure that your behaviour does not impact negatively on them.
You may find the menu choice inadequate, the service poor, the food mediocre. But you must do your best to appear to be enjoying what you are served. Don’t upstage your companion by a display of ‘power ordering’ (making special off-menu demands) and if the food is inedible, take a couple of bites and then put it to one side saying you’re not particularly hungry. Under no circumstances should you complain, sulk, or become grumpy. In this situation it is advisable to park your gastronomic priorities and concentrate on fully engaging in the social event – that means being positive and upbeat and focusing your attention on your dining companion. Even if you are picking up the bill on a special occasion, for example your guest’s birthday, remember that complaining vociferously may well tarnish the experience for your guest, making them feel responsible for your dissatisfaction. If the meal is so disastrous that even the person who is being treated finds it intolerable, then you can complain without inhibition, but you must always wait, observe your companion’s reactions to the food, and amend your behaviour accordingly.
Good manners are about focusing on other people, and doing your best to ensure that your own behaviour does not have a negative effect on them. Many social occasions are about celebrating big events in other people’s lives, or recognising their achievements and you must remind yourself that, on these occasions, you are merely a member of the supportive chorus not the person with the starring role.
While it is becoming increasingly common for a man to take his spouse's surname upon marriage, or for couples to combine surnames, in this article we'll be looking at the forms of address for a divorced woman who has taken her husband's surname.
If you’re a newly divorced woman, and sensitive about how you’re addressed, you must be prepared to send out a notification to friends, family, businesses. Inevitably, there will be mistakes, so it’s best if you can resign yourself to this and accept faux-pas with good grace.
By convention a divorcee would adopt the style of, for example, Mrs Caroline Edwards (ie retaining her title of ‘Mrs’ and her married surname ‘Edwards’, but using her own forename, ie no longer ‘Mrs John Edwards’). The use of her own forename, rather than her husband’s, denoted that she was divorced. While this rule may still be followed by some older women, most married women choose from a range of naming options and may well decide to use their own forename with their married surname. The relaxation of the traditional rules means that how a woman is named and titled is no longer a reliable way of determining whether she is married or divorced, but society is much more relaxed about social and marital status, and it is no longer considered vital to communicate it on first meeting.
In addition, many women, especially those who combine a working life with a married life, choose not to use their husband’s surname at all. If a woman has retained her maiden name throughout the marriage her only decision, on becoming divorced, is whether she prefers to be Mrs, Miss or Ms Janie Jones, for example, or just Janie Jones with no title.
Women who have assumed their husband’s surname and are divorcing may prefer to revert to their maiden name. This happens most often where there are no children from the marriage.
If there are children, however, some women may choose to retain their married surnames, and continue to use ‘Mrs’, just in order to maintain the status quo and to avoid a situation where the mother is using a different surname to that of her children.
Play it Safe
If people do not know how you want to be addressed, they may well opt for the conventional option – ‘Mrs Caroline Edwards’ (ie they will use your forename and the married surname). Don’t be offended if this does not reflect your chosen form of address – simply write a polite note saying that from now on you’re using the following…. Eg ‘Ms Caroline Talbot’.
Women with Titles
When a peeress (ie a duchess, marchioness, countess, viscountess or baroness) obtains a divorce, the general rule is that she places her forename before her title, for example, Mary, Duchess of Hampshire. This is purely a practical measure to avoid confusion should the peer in question marry again.
In the event of a divorced peer remaining unmarried there is no reason why his former wife should not continue to use her title without the qualification of her forename.
If the former wife of a peer remarries someone without a title, she may no longer use her title. For example, if Tessa, Viscountess Tilney, marries Mr George Robinson she becomes Mrs George Robinson or Mrs Tessa Robinson.
Wording Invitations
Everyone wants to get formal invitations right, especially wedding invitations. The vicissitudes of family life – divorces, remarriages, step-parents – can all be accommodated on formal invitations if you follow the wording set out below:
If the bride’s mother is the hostess:
Mrs John Robinson*
requests the pleasure of
your company at the marriage
of her daughter
Caroline
to….
at …
on …
*This is the traditional form of address; many wives will choose to use their forename (Mrs Charlotte Robinson), and that is quite acceptable.
If the bride’s father is the host:
Mr John Robinson
requests the pleasure of
your company at the marriage
of his daughter
Caroline
If the bride’s mother and stepfather are the joint host/hostess:
Mr and Mrs Edgar Forsythe*
request the pleasure of
your company at the marriage
of her daughter
Caroline Robinson
*This is the traditional form of address; if the wife chooses to use her own forename it would read, for example, Mr Edgar and Mrs Emily Forsythe
If the bride’s father and her stepmother are the joint host/hostess:
Mr and Mrs John Robinson*
request the pleasure of
your company at the marriage
of his daughter
Caroline
*This is the traditional form of address; if the stepmother chooses to use her own forename it would read, for example, Mr John and Mrs Charlotte Robinson.
Where the bride’s stepmother is the hostess:
Mrs John Robinson*
requests the pleasure of
your company at the marriage
of her stepdaughter
Caroline
•The bride’s stepmother may choose to use her own forename, eg Mrs Charlotte Robinson.
If the bride’s parents are divorced, but are co-hosting the wedding:
Mr John Robinson and Mrs Edgar Forsythe*
request the pleasure of
your company at the marriage
of their daughter
Caroline
* ‘Mrs Charlotte Robinson’ if she has not remarried and has kept her married name
*‘Mrs Emily Forsythe’ if she has remarried but chooses to use her own forename
*‘Ms Emily Wilson’ if she has opted to use her maiden name, whether she has remarried or not.
It was traditional for the man to ask his future father-in-law’s permission for his daughter’s hand in marriage. This convention is no longer strictly observed.
The convention of asking a father for his daughter’s hand in marriage dates to a period when parents played a role in choosing and approving their future son-in-law, perhaps introducing him to their daughter, facilitating the courtship and ensuring that he was a suitable candidate. Daughters did not enjoy the same social freedoms as sons, and parents were protective of them.
Society has changed since then. Gender equality and financial and social independence mean that parents no longer control their children’s relationships, and couples increasingly see decisions to move in together, become engaged, marry, or form civil partnerships as their own free choice. While most couples will naturally seek their parents’ endorsement and approval, they no longer require their permission to be together. Some men still choose to follow the formality of asking their future father-in-law for his daughter’s hand in marriage before proposing; the choice to do so is a matter of personal taste and is also based on their understanding of their future in-laws’ expectations. Some couples may choose to seek permission, as a mere formality, after they become engaged. But it is now a matter of choice, not a convention.
Our Victorian ancestors adopted a very different approach. A look at the pages of How to Behave: A Pocket Manual of Etiquette and Guide to Correct Personal Habits, by Samuel Wells (1865) gives us an insight into the proposal question:
“We shall make no attempt to prescribe a form for “popping the question”. Each must do it in his own way; but let it be clearly understood and admit no evasion…The lady’s answer should be frank and unequivocal, revealing briefly and modestly her real feelings and consequent decision.
Asking the consent of parents or guardians is always a graceful thing, and ought on no account to be omitted. But what if the consent be refuse? In such a case, submission for a time ought to be manifested. It will commonly be found that all obstacles may be overcome by manly openness and candour, while a little patient waiting will test the stability of the lovers, and in the end only knit them more closely together.”
As this passage makes clear, fathers clearly had the right to refuse permission, and it is advised that the couple should submit to this decision, in the hope that, by demonstrating their commitment and ‘stability’, they will eventually persuade the father that the marriage should go ahead.
A proposal of marriage is an occasion that will be recalled time and time again, so thought and planning are required to make it memorable. The manner in which a proposal is made is dependent upon the couple; the most important thing is that it is suited to the personality and style of the bride-to-be. If the prospective bride has already indicated a preferred style of proposal (eg private, not in front of family) then her suitor must not be swayed by pressure from others to ignore her wishes. It is worth remembering that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to ask for someone’s hand in marriage.
Most suitors choose to ask the question quietly – getting down on one knee may well be appreciated. Some may choose a public proposal. It is important that the proposal is not made on an occasion when it upstages another important event such as the prospective bride’s graduation or a family wedding.
Proposing is no longer solely the role of the man; it is perfectly acceptable for women to propose marriage (and not just on a leap year). Same-sex couples may choose to draw on traditional practices to create their own ritual.
Conventionally, a man proposes with an engagement ring, but many do so without one so that the couple can choose the ring together. If there is no ring for the proposal, the bride-to-be can be given a token to mark the occasion, for example a bracelet or necklace. A ring should be on her finger within a reasonable time – weeks, not months – of her accepting the proposal.
The length of an engagement varies greatly but, on average, will usually last between six and twelve months. An engagement is the time between accepting a proposal and the marriage, rather than just a separate stage or status of the relationship. Less than six months would not allow enough time to organise a wedding comfortably, but anything over twelve months may feel too long. The length of time generally depends on the work commitments of the couple, the scale and size of the wedding, the availability of the wedding venue and the season in which the couple wish to be married.
A couple that is engaged should be regarded, socially, as good as married. They should be invited jointly to parties, weddings and gatherings, even if both are not known to the host. Unlike married couples, engaged couples were conventionally seated next to one another at dinner; this tradition is now quite relaxed.
The parents of both the bride and bridegroom should always be the first to hear of an engagement. News should be conveyed in person wherever possible or, at the very least, by telephone. The bridegroom may already have told his own parents of the bride’s parent about his intentions, so the announcement may not come as a huge surprise.
Telephone calls to the rest of the family, godparents and close friends will follow; a round-robin email or text announcing the news is fine for everyone else. Following that, social media and the grapevine can be relied upon to spread the word, or you may choose more targeted methods.
If opting to spread the news by social media, it is eye-catching and effective to post an engagement photo. If you’re going to have a wedding hashtag (useful for updates, instructions and uploading photographs), don’t use it in the announcement or you may find yourself spammed by planners, caterers and suppliers.
Some couples may still wish to go down the traditional route of placing formal announcements in the newspaper, most usually The Times, Daily Telegraph and, if appropriate, a local newspaper.
It is customary for the announcement to include the names of the betrothed, their parentage and the geographical location of their family home.
In these straitened times weddings can be emotive subjects for key participants and personal preferences may be more strongly felt than usual. There is a huge weight of expectation when it comes to the ‘big day’ and if you are feeling pressurised, money can be a tense subject. This doesn’t have to be the case, so long as discussions happen at an early date and in an open fashion. Respect, clarity, flexibility and being prepared to listen are all vital during these discussions. If you come to the table with an ideé fixe, and no willingness to compromise, you will almost certainly be heading for difficulties.
Everyone involved needs to be frank and realistic about money from the outset. It may burst the bubble of excitement, but an early decision on the budget, which will involve setting and agreeing the upper limits, will smooth the planning stages. Once the budget is set, negotiations can start.
A first step may be for the couple to have a discussion with their parents. Traditionally, the bride’s father bears the cost, but this is by no means expected today; parents on both sides may be keen to help. If the in-laws do not contribute towards the wedding, they may wish to host a pre- or post-wedding dinner or lunch.
Alternatively, the couple may wish to pay for the entire day themselves. As couples nowadays often marry later in life, and both men and women enjoy financial independence, the old norms aren’t always applicable.
Whatever the financial situation, just because someone is contributing towards the wedding does not mean that they control it. This is tricky ground – open discussion before accepting generous parental donations may save a lot of trouble further down the line. All too often, people who are paying for a lavish celebration feel that their generosity entitles them to be involved in every stage of decision-making. At the very worst, they may begin to treat the wedding as their own party, insisting on inviting their own friends, to the detriment of the couple who are marrying. All these difficulties need to be confronted at the outset, even if it means having a very explicit conversation about what accepting a generous subsidy entails.
Most couples who are planning a wedding change their mind several times as to exactly what they want and how much they are willing to allocate to any given aspect, so a concrete budget right at the beginning is unrealistic. Everyone involved in planning the wedding will have different ideas about spending priorities, so it helps to consult as few people as possible, set a budget and work towards it.
There are two key mantras to bear in mind: prioritise and compromise. Think about what is essential, what is unnecessary, and the areas where costs can be cut. Be assured that however much the budget is, it will never be enough, so even those with large amounts of money to spend will be restricted. Costs should never be underestimated.
It is a good idea to identify the most important elements of the day at the outset – for example, the reception venue, the dress, and the quality of the wine. Ensuring there is an ample supply of wine and investing in great entertainment might be considered far more crucial than blowing thousands of pounds on flowers to decorate the venue. While you may well want everything to look perfect, remember that a wedding reception is primarily a large party, and prioritise expenditure on ensuring that all your guests have an enjoyable and memorable day.
Elaborate food will make a dent in even the most generous budgets, but as a bad dinner will be something that guests remember, the answer may be to choose quality over quantity. A delicious simple main course and pudding will be much more enjoyable than a mediocre five-course lunch.
First agree on the provisional costs for every element of the day, then shop around and record the estimated amount to be allocated to each feature of the wedding. As costs are finalised, a record should be kept of the total sum plus any deposit paid. Now it is simply a matter of balancing the books. When a saving is made against your provisional estimate, the amount saved can be allocated to a different area, and likewise wherever the budget is exceeded, a saving must be made in another area, or extra cash found. Assess your essential expenditure before you can indulge in more luxurious additions; it is always a good idea to identify elements of the day that can be discarded without too much regret if costs are becoming too burdensome.
Most suppliers of services will provide the customer with an estimate for their services. It is important to be aware of the difference between an estimate (just that) and a quotation (the real amount to be paid, which is set in stone). The final budget should, of course, be prepared only after acquiring quotations, rather than relying on estimates that may no longer reflect the extent of the service being provided.
A large event such as a wedding requires careful organisation; chaotic paperwork will only add to pre-wedding stress. All correspondence, quotations and receipts should be kept, and a note made of deposits paid, when balances are due, and sums outstanding. Be aware that most suppliers’ quotes exclude VAT, so allow for the extra percentage to be added on.
Any goods or services associated with the word ‘wedding’ will automatically be marked up in price. Ways of achieving the same result without falling into this trap – perhaps using friends, acquaintances, or personal recommendations – should be investigated. Areas where it might be possible to bypass the big wedding suppliers include the cake, bridesmaids’ dresses and flowers.
Tips are not usually made to companies or individuals that supply services at ‘wedding rates’. Friends or acquaintances who give special rates – for example a florist who supplies flowers at cost and does the arranging for free – may be better rewarded with a thoughtful present rather than the host insisting on paying market rates.
Equally, friends who go beyond the call of duty for the wedding day deserve a thank-you present. Costs add up, so these extra add-ons must not be forgotten.
You can never be too careful. Weddings involve a substantial outlay, and insurance is one of the first priorities when planning the wedding. It should be put in place as soon as the budget is established and before the couple begin to book suppliers, as it covers against such issues as cancellations, failure of suppliers, accidents, problems with the wedding transport and loss of rings.
Wedding insurance can be purchased from banks and high street stores as well as specialist insurance companies, so it is wise to research all options and the cover they offer.
There are various levels of wedding insurance, but the following will usually be covered:
• Accidental injury to any person.
• Cancellation of the wedding or reception.
• Loss of, or damage to, the wedding attire for the main wedding party
• Loss of, or damage to, the wedding rings, cake, flowers or presents.
• Failure of any supplier.
• Failure of prints and videos.
• Failure of wedding cars and transport.
• Legal expenses.
The insurance policy will not cover cancellation costs if either the bride or groom decides not to go through with the wedding.
Spring has finally arrived; the weather is more clement, and the countryside beckons. For many of us this time of year is an opportunity to revel in the beauty of the natural world; it is also a good time to remind ourselves of how we can enjoy being out and about without leaving a negative impact. When you’re visiting the countryside, consideration and respect should always govern behaviour. It is simply a matter of being keenly aware of your surroundings, noting the impact that any of your actions may have, and regulating your behaviour to ensure that nothing you do interferes with other people’s well-being or enjoyment.
The Countryside Code was first launched in 1951, in anticipation of an increase in visitors to the countryside following the creation of national parks in 1949. It was hailed by a member of the House of Lords as “the best fourpenny worth of common sense” he had ever read and rapidly became the accepted tool for managing the behaviour of visitors to the country.
The Code, which had been evolving since the 1930s, emerged from a mass movement that demanded greater access to the countryside. The ‘right to roam’ had been claimed through a series of campaigns in the 1930s, most notably the mass trespass of Kinder Scout in Derbyshire in 1932. The Code was seen as a way of mediating between the different parties involved in the countryside debate, by both educating visitors and placating landowners.
The key messages contained in the original 1951 code are instantly recognisable. Many related to safeguarding the environment – protecting against the risk of fire, safeguarding water supply and avoiding damage to fences, hedges and walls, as well as protecting wild plants, wildlife and trees. Other recommendations concern visitor behaviour: fastening gates, keeping to paths, keeping dogs under control and leaving no litter. Finally, there are two more generalised pleas: to ‘go carefully’ on country roads and to respect the life of the countryside.
Since then, the Countryside Code has been revised several times, in 1981, 2004, 2020, and 2021. Three general exhortations have been adopted to regulate the question of visitor behaviour:
Respect
• Be considerate to everyone living, working in and enjoying the countryside.
• Leave gates and property as you find them.
• Do not block access to gateways or driveways when parking.
• Follow local signs and marked paths.
• Be nice, say hello, share the space.
Protect
• Take your litter home, leave no trace.
• Do not light fires, and only have BBQs when signs indicate it is acceptable.
• Keep dogs under control and in sight and bag and bin dog mess.
• Care for nature – do not cause damage or disturbance.
Enjoy
• Check your route and local conditions.
• Plan ahead and understand what is permissible.
• Enjoy your visit, have fun, make a memory.
• New Technology
New and improved technology has offered new pastimes, from mountain biking and off-roading to hang gliding, paragliding and drone-flying. All these activities are likely to have an impact on people who live and work in the countryside, or visitors who are indulging in the simpler pleasures of rambling and picnicking. They should therefore be undertaken with the utmost discretion, in places where they are permitted only. Due consideration should be shown to other visitors, and politeness, rather than an air of entitlement, will go a long way – thanking walkers for standing aside as you pass on your mountain bike is clearly preferable to peremptorily shouting a warning as you hurtle past.
• Drones
In 2020 new guidance was put in place for drone flying (though not for smaller models, which are classed as toys), and the Drone and Model Aircraft Code, first published in 2019 regulates demands that drone and model aircraft-flyers have a flyer and operator ID, fly responsibly, follow 120m (400ft) legal height limits, always keep a safe distance from other people, and show consideration by keeping away from residential and recreational areas (eg beaches and parks).
• Phones
In general, the countryside is valued for its tranquillity, and people relish the chance to get away from the hurly-burly of towns and cities and enjoy peace and quiet. Mobile phones are an indispensable part of our lives, and have many uses in the countryside, not least mobile mapping apps, weather forecasts, or sites that will give up-to-date information about access or livestock. However, you should use your phone considerately – this means not having loud, shouted conversations on windswept hilltops when other visitors are trying to drink in the view, or elbowing fellow-walkers out of the way so you can take the perfect selfie.
• Dogs
Dog ownership is at an all-time high. If dogs have not been properly trained, they can be a real liability in the countryside, especially if they tend to race out of sight and enter fields full of livestock as soon as they are let off the lead. Livestock-worrying, when dogs attack or chase livestock, is a real concern for many landowners and may well be reported to the police. Only let your dogs off the lead if they are well trained and biddable, and never do so near fields containing livestock.
Bagging and binning dog mess is the only considerate way to behave, especially at a time when litter and fly-tipping are blighting our countryside. Dumping plastic bags in hedgerows when no bins are immediately available is simply not acceptable.
• Driving
The 1951 Code advised visitors to ‘go carefully’ on the roads, and in 2023 this is more relevant than ever. Narrow country lanes are carrying unprecedented volumes of traffic, many people are driving large, unwieldy 4x4s, and the range of road users encompasses everything from horse-riders and tractors to cycling clubs and electric scooters.
The key to considerate driving in the countryside is patience. When roads are narrow and visibility is poor, you will find any number of hazards – from livestock and slow-moving agricultural machinery to groups of hikers – to slow you down. Accept that rural driving is slow, and resist the temptation to flash your headlights or swing out from behind. Always acknowledge other motorists who have pulled over to let you pass with a smile and a wave.
Be very cautious around horses. If you see a horse and rider ahead, slow down to a crawl and creep behind. When it is completely safe to overtake, pull out, giving the horse a wide berth, and drive very slowly. Finally, keep an eye open for pedestrians, who are often forced to walk in the road in country lanes. Slow down if you see a pedestrian ahead, and overtake gently. Be aware of mud and puddles and avoid splashing pedestrians. Aggressively racing past with just a hair breadth’s clearance is the height of bad manners and dangerous.
• Common Courtesy
It is generally acknowledged that life moves at a slower pace in the countryside, so there is more time for pleasantries and for passing the time of day.
When you are out walking, greet others even if you do not know them, with a cheerful “hello”, “good morning” or “good afternoon”. It is quite acceptable to make a friendly remark about the weather, the beautiful view, the toughness of the climb, the muddiness of the paths etc. You may even pause for a brief chat and glean some useful information.
People who live and work in the country, especially near beauty spots, may feel from time to time that they are being inundated with visitors. If visitors are friendly and appreciative they will feel much less intrusive.
• Appreciation
We may feel that we scarcely need the Government to instruct visitors to “Enjoy your visit, have fun, make a memory”, but must assume that this final admonition is intended to remind us that the countryside is a resource we all share and should all value. Above all, visitors should respect the people who live and work in the countryside and ensure that their visit does not in any way impede or have a negative impact on the rural economy.
Queen Charlotte, the wife of King George III, is the subject of a lavish Bridgerton prequel, which is launching on Netflix this month. She is also commemorated by the Queen Charlotte’s Ball, which was hosted by King George in 1780 in honour of the Queen’s birthday. The Queen funded a London women’s hospital, later named the Queen Charlotte and Chelsea Hospital, with funds raised by the ball. Famously, she stood next to a gigantic birthday cake as the debutantes of the day filed by, dropping a curtsy to the Queen, a tradition that has persisted.
The Queen Charlotte’s Ball became an annual event each May, the fulcrum of the social season, which was defined by the movements of the Royal Family, who were in residence in the capital from April to July and from October until Christmas. During these months, the aristocracy and members of the ruling classes made it their custom to reside in London.
Well-bred girls, or ‘debutantes’, were launched into society at the age of 17 or 18 with a formal introduction to the monarch and a debut at the high-profile ball. The parties and special events of the ensuing months showcased the debutantes’ charms to potential suitors.
The day on which a young girl was formally presented to the Sovereign was considered one of the most important in her life. Debutantes received Summons from the Sovereign and these Royal commands had to be obeyed. On presentation, the debutante and her mother were ushered into the Royal presence and announced. The debutante stepped forward and made a low curtsy to both the King and Queen, who each bowed in acknowledgment. She was then expected to exit, walking backwards, from the Royal Presence.
In 1957, the late Queen Elizabeth II in 1957 terminated the archaic practice of Court presentations altogether. The formal framework of the Season gradually dissolved, leaving a series of high profile events, from balls and concerts to sporting events and horse-racing, that traditionally form the backbone of the English social scene in the spring and early summer.
It is a curious fact that Queen Charlotte has become associated with a glamorous society ball and an equally glittering Netflix drama because she is primarily famous for being ugly and rather dull. For the English who greeted her arrival in London in 1761 to marry George III she was a figure of ridicule, who had lived in penurious seclusion in a tiny German principality and knew nothing of high society. Her looks caused general dismay; in a period when voluptuous, buxom women were the ideal, Charlotte was small and thin with a sallow complexion, a plain face and terrible dress sense. But she had the strength of character to resist the sycophantic attentions of her ladies in waiting when she landed on the English coast, saying “Let the king dress himself, I shall dress as I please”.
On the day of her marriage and Coronation, she was swamped by her ermine-trimmed purple velvet mantle and weighted down by a set of enormous pearls. Undaunted, she is said to have entertained the crowd after the Coronation by singing and playing the harpsichord (she was very musical).
Music would form an important bond between Charlotte and George, and they settled down to a cosy domestic life together, enjoying playing music, hosting musical evenings and attending horse races. Charlotte proved extremely fertile and was almost continually pregnant; she had 15 children 13 of whom survived. The royal family upheld rather strait-laced and puritanical values and Charlotte enjoyed presiding over an austere and, according to many observers, dull household. For the first few years of her marriage, she lived a contented and domesticated life.
George, on the other hand, aspired to be a true ruler, despite the fact that he was extremely ill-educated and ignorant, and he soon found himself in perpetual conflict with his ministers. This led to his first breakdown, which unfortunately manifested in complete sexual disinhibition and a tendency to make passes at the ladies of the court. Charlotte was a compassionate and understanding nurse and within a couple of months he was beginning to recover, but this was only the beginning of his illness.
Under pressure because of the long-drawn-out agony of the war with the American colonies, and beset by extravagant sons, most notably the Prince of Wales, who were dissipated and undisciplined, George was forced to retreat to Windsor Castle, where his madness took hold. It has long been theorised that George was suffering from a genetic blood disorder called porphyria, though more recent research indicates that he might have been suffering from bipolar disorder. As the illness took hold, he entered violent phases, attacking his pages, assaulting and terrorising the ladies of the court, and threatening his wife. He was locked in combat with the Prince of Wales, who planned to use his father’s madness as a reason to become regent.
Alarmed, Charlotte chose to fight the calumnies that were being spread about the king by his sons, taking him out in public again with his daughters. Her loyalty effectively killed off the Regency Bill but Charlotte was forced to keep up a brave public front as the king see-sawed between madness and lucidity. When her husband eventually went blind in 1811, she had to accept her son’s regency. Probably relieved, she withdrew back into her domestic life with her husband, eventually dying in 1817 after she had presided over her youngest daughter’s wedding. Her husband survived her by two years.
Charlotte had endured contempt and disloyalty from her subjects and her family and had survived years of despair as she watched the mental decline of her husband. But she remained loyal and devoted, despite everything.
The Coronation is headline news and union jacks are ubiquitous. Coronation-themed merchandise adorns every supermarket checkout and we’re bombarded by images of crowns, regalia, golden coaches and angelic choristers.
As the country prepares for another royal spectacle, we must accept that not everyone will be an ardent supporter of these events. Some people simply do not feel enthused by national, royalist or patriotic celebrations and it is their right to opt out.
People who do not enjoy joining in these exuberant celebrations are often unfairly dismissed as killjoys or condemned for being unpatriotic. But we should bear in mind that we all have different ways of socialising and celebrating, and some of us are self-contained introverts or avowed individualists, who find mass partying intimidating and depressing.
There is no rulebook that dictates how we should feel on these big national occasions, when everybody supposedly comes together in a mood of jubilant conviviality. An inability to feel stirred or excited by these events does not indicate that a person is nurturing traitorous feelings of antipathy, merely that they are resistant to communal emotions, mass celebrations and esprit de corps.
There should be room for everybody to behave as they choose on these occasions; it just takes good manners and a spirit of tolerance and acceptance:
• If you are surrounded by fervent Coronation-celebrants, and perhaps can number some of the most ardent royalists amongst your close friends or family, you may find yourself in the horns of a dilemma. You may be forced to admit that refusing to participate enthusiastically will really hurt the feelings of people you care about, and therefore accept that you need to make a conscious effort for their sake and join in the celebrations with good grace. That means eating heartily, participating in the party games, chatting convivially and keeping any feelings of negativity or grumpiness to yourself.
• If you enjoy the communal aspect of the celebrations (street parties, neighbourhood barbecues etc) but wish that they were not associated with the Coronation, weigh up your options carefully. If you do decide to attend, keep your negative feelings to yourself – don’t spend the entire day haranguing your neighbours about why you hate this type of event while enjoying the hospitality and helping yourself to large servings of Coronation quiche. As with all social occasions, you should only consider attending if you are confident that you can fulfil your obligations to be a sociable guest.
• If you feel that toeing the line is beyond you, act decisively and don’t attend – a non-show is far preferable to putting in a moody and dispiriting appearance. Politely decline the invitation, and if it at all possible, explain the reason why. If you admit that this is not something you’re comfortable with, then you are taking the burden of your non-appearance on yourself, and your host will not feel hurt or rejected. This is the polite thing to do.
•Avoid the whole issue by going away for the Coronation weekend. If you have an unbreakable “prior engagement”, you can opt out with a clear conscience. Choose your destination carefully, or you may find your escape is sabotaged by Coronation enthusiasts!
• Don’t force conviviality on refuseniks. If you’re aware that somebody is making a big effort to attend a party, allow them to navigate the celebrations on their own terms, and don’t turn into a manic cheerleader, who’s always propelling them into the social fray. Part of being a good host is embracing the idiosyncrasies and foibles of all your guests.
• If a refusenik turns down your invitation, with or without an explanation, accept it. If you concede that some people are simply happier having a quiet drink with a couple of friends or ignoring the whole event altogether, you will be able to enjoy your own celebrations, free from any anxiety that others are missing out.
• Never try to persuade a refusenik to change their mind, which will inevitably prove futile and disappointing.
Whether it’s the Coronation, a friend’s wedding or a big party, you can be sure that some people who confidently expected an invitation are going to be disappointed. We’ve all experienced the stab of dismay when we realise that we’re not on that all-important guest list. But, if you are the host, there are ways of mitigating some of the negativity, while aspiring guests can overcome feelings of resentment by taking positive action.
We’ve all struggled with guest lists when organising social events. Often, we are simply defeated by limited capacity – the size of the venue, or our per capita budget dictates that cuts must be made. On other occasions, the decision to exclude certain individuals is much more subtle and may well involve social engineering. You may be hesitant about inviting both halves of a recently divorced or separated couple, or you are aware that one of your proposed guests has had a major falling out with your partner or best friend. You may be wary of inviting an abrasive or contentious individual, who tends to get drunk and abusive and is a social disruptor. Or you have decided that your proposed party is not suitable for older friends and relatives.
Whatever the reason, you will need to grab the bull by the horns and let the person who is not invited know. It is far better to confront the situation openly than to let the news filter through and fester.
• Inform the person as directly as you can. This might mean sending an email, which is preferable to the brevity of a text. Or, better still, you could phone your friend and have a conversation. By far the best excuse is limited capacity – everyone understands how difficult juggling guest lists can be, and most people will be able to accept this. Keep your explanation short, and don’t allow yourself to be diverted into unnecessary detail. Express your heartfelt regret.
• If your reasons for not inviting someone are more complex and are associated with their character or relationships within your social circle, try and avoid getting drawn into a painful explanation. Fall back, if possible, on the numbers excuse.
• Suggest an alternative date – say you’re really sorry about the party but would love to meet up for lunch or a drink.
• If you have excluded a whole mini-social circle from your party (eg the mothers from the school run, or the friends you have made at yoga classes), you could suggest starting a WhatsApp group chat and see if you can arrange to all get together for a separate celebration.
•Remember, we all have inner and outer circles of friends. If you are not inviting someone from your inner circle, then you really will need to make an effort to ensure they do not feel rejected. You do not need to feel so concerned about potential invitees from the outer circle.
Realistically, we all know that at some point we’re not going to make the guest list, but this doesn’t stop us feeling excluded. The first important step is to recognise your non-invitation as a pragmatic decision, not a signal that you are a worthless and unlovable human being. Don’t give in to bile and bitterness and, whatever you do, ensure that you do not spend the day or evening in question feeling morose at home.
• If your friend has the courtesy to give you an explanation for your non-invitation, listen carefully and try to accept it graciously: “Don’t worry about it – I know how difficult it can be juggling limited numbers.” You can be sure that this will mean you rise in their estimation, as they have probably been worrying about how you will take the bad news.
• Talk to other friends, and if you’re feeling upset or disappointed, save your confidences for them. If they are good friends, they will reassure you and assuage your feelings of social rejection.
• Think carefully about the friend who has not invited you. If you have a sneaking suspicion that this may be because of your behaviour in the past, now is the time to confront it. Or you may be forced to admit to yourself that your friend is no longer part of your inner circle, that you have drifted apart and are semi-estranged, which explains why you have not received an invitation.
• Don’t bad-mouth the host or the event. If you allow yourself to feel resentful, vitriolic outbursts against the host may well find their ways back to his/her ears and might cost you a friendship. You may also be tempted to pour scorn on the event that you are not attending, basically signalling “I wouldn’t have wanted to go to it anyway.” This response looks childish and petulant and won’t do you any favours. You will be much more impressive if you are good-natured and cordial and ask your friends questions about how the party went.
• Don’t stay in sulking on the day of the event, seek out alternative entertainment. Arrange for a night out with a different friendship group or spend some time with your family or partner – this will reassure you that you’re not a social pariah and with any luck any thoughts about the event you are missing will soon evaporate amidst the general bonhomie.
As part of a new series, the team at Debrett's Education have been speaking to the heads of UK independent schools about their own experiences in education.
This week we meet Francie Healy, head of Bethany School, who attended St Enda's National School and Mary Immaculate Secondary School in Lisdoonvarna, West of Ireland.
