Easter has been an important date in the calendar since the early days of Christianity. It is also a spring festival, and its seasonal themes of resurrection and rebirth are reflected in many rituals and practices. In days gone by Good Friday was one of only two public holidays in the British Isles (the other one was Christmas) so the long Easter weekend, as well as its religious association, became a time for fresh starts, mirth and celebration.
We’ve looked at some traditional practices and examined the ways in which we can celebrate the Easter holidays in our increasingly secular society.
• Spring Cleaning and Fresh Starts
In the Middle Ages, Easter was the time when the fires of winter were extinguished, hearths were swept and strewn with fresh rushes and houses were cleaned. The days are longer and strong sunlight reveals the dust and debris accumulated in the winter months. Throwing open the windows, airing the house, de-cluttering and cleaning are all excellent was of ushering in a new season, and a good way of ensuring that your house is ready for Easter Entertaining.
• New Outfits
The Easter bonnet represents the tradition of wearing new clothes at Easter. Discarding winter woollens and embracing brighter colours and lighter fabrics is another way of reflecting Easter traditions of renewal and rebirth. In the past, it was believed that new clothes should be worn for the Easter blessing in church, or there would be a risk of bringing bad luck. Of course, not everybody could afford a completely new Easter outfit, but a small item such as a bonnet, shawl or ribbon sufficed.
Once the new outfits were acquired, it was inevitable that people would want to show them off in public, hence the informal parade, when crowds gathered in public places, such as parks, and spent the day promenading, flirting and drinking:
“The belles and beaux, from the fineness of the weather, exceeded far, very far, any number that ever were seen at that favourite spot. From six to eight o’clock, on their return to London, it was one continued throng of holiday people of all ranks and descriptions, from Greenwich Park to Westminster Bridge. There was no resisting the torrent; and many an honest young woman who was so yesterday morning, will have fatal cause to repent, before this day twelvemonth, the frolic of tumbling down the hill in the park – drunkenness, riots, battles and thefts, as usual, dignified the proceedings. Not less than one hundred thousand persons were present.”
The Hampshire Chronicle, 28 April 1794
Inevitably the desire to be outside, to enjoy fine weather, to revel in the spring-like sense of brighter days to come, means that Easter is still a sociable, outgoing time of year when, like our Georgian predecessors, we enjoy emerging from our winter hibernation and being with other people.
• Easter Flowers
Flowers inevitably play a big part in Easter celebrations, and have always done so, because they symbolise the growth and regeneration of spring. In Victorian times, floral arrangements of lilies, tulips, pansies, and lilacs adorned both homes and religious establishments and women created lace and beadwork in flower designs to cover tables and shelves.
These days, florists are abundant with spring flowers and garden centres boast a cornucopia of spring bulbs and early summer bedding plants. For many people Easter is the first opportunity to contemplate the upcoming summer season in the garden and an ideal time for planting and planning.
• Easter Eggs
The egg is a symbol of life and rebirth and the tradition of giving eggs at Easter time can be traced back to Egyptians, Persians, Greeks, Romans and Gauls. In the medieval period eating eggs was forbidden during the 40-day fasting period of Lent, so Easter Sunday – the day on which the fast ended – was greeted with feasting and merriment.
It is thought that the Easter bunny derives from a German tradition of the Easter Hare, which can be dated back to the late 17th century. The custom was that the hare would bring a basket of brightly decorated eggs for children who had been good, which would then be hidden around the garden for the children to find.
Chocolate Easter eggs originated in France and Germany in the early 19th century and in Britain they date back to Victorian times. The first chocolate egg was made in 1873 by the Fry family of Bristol, and two years later Cadbury had also made their first chocolate egg. Today, sales in the Easter period make up 10 per cent of total annual sales of chocolate in the UK.
If you’re planning an Easter Sunday egg-hunt, you can decorate your own Easter eggs by hard boiling eggs for 10 minutes. Stand the eggs in cold water to cool them down. Half-fill a cup with water, a teaspoon of vinegar and a teaspoon of food colouring. Use a wax crayon to draw designs on your egg; dip the egg into the cup of dye – the wax will remain white, highlighting the design against the coloured background. Place the decorated eggs in the egg carton to dry.
• Easter Baking
After the long period of Lenten abstinence, it is scarcely surprising that baking, using lots of eggs and butter, is a popular Easter tradition.
Hot cross buns, traditionally eaten on Good Friday, are spiced with cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice and cloves. There are many superstitions surrounding them: it is believed that hot cross buns baked on Good Friday will never go mouldy; when taken out to sea they protect against shipwreck; when shared with another person they guarantee friendship.
Simnel case is fruitcake with a twist – a layer of marzipan is included in the middle of the cake and the cake is also ‘iced’ with a layer of marzipan and then adorned with marzipan balls. The cake is stuffed with dried fruit, candied mixed peel, ground almonds and the fruit and zest of an orange.
• Easter Sports
Easter is also the fresh start of the sporting season, and Easter Monday has traditionally been a day of hunting, archery, handball games, horse-racing and dancing. The Leicester Hare Hunt took place every Easter Monday, while the Epping Forest Hunt was a favourite pastime of East Enders in the early 19th century, who travelled out to the woods to track down an elderly stag, which was released from a cart for the purpose. The event became so popular and dangerously overcrowded that it was banned in 1847.
‘Uppies and Downies’ is an Easter sporting tradition that still survives in Cumbria. It has been played since 1779, and is an anarchic free-for-all, with villagers trying to carry a leather ball between the village and the harbour, a distance of about a mile and a half.
• Easter Cards
For most of us Easter is a four-day holiday and a chance to get together with family and friends after the long winter months. We may not choose to participate in the various Easter pursuits, but we will probably be planning Easter lunches, Easter Monday walks, visits to country pubs, garden centres and so on. For those of us who will not be able to see family and close friends this year, we can always look back to the Victorian tradition of sending Easter cards. The Victorians fell in love with the whole concept of greeting cards when the halfpenny stamp was introduced in the 1870s and coloured printing techniques became cheaper. It is estimated that British people still send 40 million Easter cards annually and, as always, a well-chosen card, preferably with a short, handwritten message, is an excellent way of conveying good wishes to people you will not be seeing over the holiday period.
April 6th is Tartan Day in North America, when the Scottish diaspora – over 15 per cent of Canadians and 8.3% of Americans claim Scottish descent – celebrate their Scottish ancestry with pipe bands, parades, Highland dancing and, inevitably, Scotland’s distinctive fabric.
Scotland’s national fabric has a long ancestry, dating back to the Celts, who were weaving plaids at least three thousand years ago. Tartan is a woven material, generally made of wool, with stripes of different colour and width.
For centuries tartans were the everyday fabric worn by Highlanders, and their distinctive weaves became synonymous with kinship and clan affiliations. Early tartans would have comprised simple check pattern in two or three colours. They would have been the work of a community weaver, who would have depended on local plants and dyes (heathers, seaweeds, lichens, berries, whelks).
When Bonnie Prince Charlie led a Jacobite rebellion against the Duke of Cumberland’s forces in 1745 his army was organised into clan (extended family) regiments, with distinctive tartans.
Tartan had thus become coupled with Scottish nationalism, and after the British victory at the Battle of Culloden in 1746 the Government banned wearing it in an attempt to crush the rebellious clan system (the Act was repealed in 1782).
By then, tartan had fallen out of use, and many of the traditional weavers had died, taking their patterns and skills with them. Tailors had to reinvent the historic patterns to satisfy King George IV in 1822 when he visited Edinburgh and suggested that people wore their traditional clan tartans. Queen Victoria and Prince Albert’s enthusiasm for Balmoral tartan, coupled with the romantic novels of Sir Walter Scott, ignited a Victorian passion for all things Scottish.
Tartan today is used from everything from traditional highland dress to scarves, curtains and cushion covers. It is a symbol of Scottish pride, both repudiated and revived by the Scotland’s English rulers.
• Clan tartans – for general use by clanspeople
• Dress tartans – originally worn by women, with a white background and lighter patterns
• Mourning tartans – Generally black and white
• Hunting tartans – dark in colour, and therefore suitable for hunting
• Chief’s tartans – for the personal use of the clan Chief and his family
The kilt, which can be traced back to the end of the 16th century, evolved from the belted plaid, or great kilt, a large full-length swathe of fabric that was worn draped over the shoulder, gathered into pleats and belted at the waist. In the 17th century the small kilt, or walking kilt, evolved, comprising a single width of cloth worn hanging down from the belt.
It is said that in 1720, an (English) mill-owner named Mr Rawlinson, who managed an iron-foundry in Lochaber ‘invented’ the knee-length kilt in an attempt to prevent his mill-workers, who were migrants from the Highlands, from being sucked into the machines by their draped and belted plaids. These garments were adopted by the Highland regiments.
Kilts, like tartan, fell victim to the British Government’s ‘Dress Act’ of 1746 and were outlawed, with the exception of the garments worn by the Highland regiments. The kilt was increasingly viewed with romantic nostalgia and once the ban was lifted the general use of ‘Highland Dress’ was encouraged by, amongst others, the Celtic Society of Edinburgh, chaired by Sir Walter Scott. Lowlanders began to wear stylised versions of a garment that had always been associated with Highlanders and the kilt became the universal symbol of Scottish identity.
• Kilt – a knee length garment, pleated at the rear, in tartan
ª Trews – traditional tartan trousers, trimmed with leather
• Plaid – A length of tartan fabric, matching the kilt or trews, that is draped over the shoulder
• Sporran – made of leather or fur, it forms the function of a pocket, positioned in front of the groin of the wearer
• Sgian-dubh– a small single-edged knife, tucked in the top of the kilt hose (socks)
• Accessories – tartan socks, kilt pins, clan badges
Highland Dress Codes for Formal Occasions
The kilt, fastened with a pin, with a dress sporran.
• A plain white shirt, with either a black bow tie or a lace jabot.
• A Highland jacket (also called a doublet) with ornamental silver buttons. There are several styles but they are normally made from black or dark coloured barathea, broadcloth or dark velvet. They may be worn with a waistcoat.
• Knee-length socks or stockings (‘hose’), patterned, or green or red (never plain cream), secured with a silk garter (sometimes called a flash). A dagger or sgian dubh (pronounced ‘ski-an doo’) may be placed on the right-hand side.
•Black patent leather dancing pumps or buckled brogues are traditional. A black evening shoe is also acceptable.
Some men prefer tartan trousers, ‘trews’, which may be worn with a velvet smoking jacket and black tie in place of dinner jacket trousers. Trews are always cut without a side seam.
• A long dress, with a skirt full enough for dancing reels, is worn at Highland balls.
• White dresses are often worn with sashes, particularly at formal balls, but some wear colours or patterns.
• A tartan sash is worn diagonally. Clanswomen wear it over the right shoulder, across the breast and secured by a pin or small brooch on the right shoulder.
• The wife of a clan chief or the wife of a colonel of a Scottish regiment would wear a slightly wider sash over the left shoulder, secured with a brooch on the left shoulder.
• Non-clanswomen attending the balls should wear similar long dresses but without a sash.
It is best not to wear a specific clan tartan unless you are connected to that clan.
Kilts should only be worn by those with a Scottish or Gaelic connection; and the correct attire must be worn to suit the occasion.
Formal kiltwear involves donning one’s own tartan – modern, ancient or dress. Ensure that the length of the kilt is right: whilst the contemporary trend is towards the shorter kilt, which sits above the knee, traditional wearers insist that it should sit high on the waist – beneath the bottom rib, and rest between the top and middle of the kneecap.
When asked what you are wearing under your kilt, an enigmatic smile will suffice.
It is estimated that 93 per cent of the British population owns a smartphone, so it is scarcely surprising that we’ve all become used to the selfie phenomenon. Whether you’re visiting a top tourist site, a panoramic viewpoint, or an exclusive restaurant, you will inevitably see someone taking a selfie (sometimes with friends included) against an alluring backdrop.
While many of these selfies will languish, unlooked-at and unloved, in the phone’s memory, you can be sure that many will find their way to Instagram or other social media platforms. Selfies can be a very strong statement about who we are, and what we want to project about ourselves. They are primarily aspirational and do not tend to chronicle failures and tribulations (unless it is to elicit sympathy). Their primary purpose is to broadcast a positive and upbeat message about our life and our experiences to the wider world.
Taking a selfie is not necessarily an exercise in self-love. It can simply be a way of recording interesting moments and creating a photographic chronicle of a trip or experience. It can also be used as an aide memoir to ensure that you don’t forget an interesting meal or location, or as a visual shorthand that is used to communicate with friends. Sometimes there is nobody around to take that vital, never-to-be-repeated shot, and a selfie is the only option.
However, it is an unfortunate fact that it is quite possible to become addicted to taking selfies, to the point that it becomes a compulsion (if you’re posting several a day you’re pretty far gone). Compulsive selfie-takers are frequently accused of narcissism and an obvious danger signal is when selfies only include images of the photographer – no friends, partners, children, pets, landmarks. A relentless focus on the photograph-taker shows worrying signs of egomania and self-aggrandisement, although in fact the selfie addiction might be really be an indication of acute self-consciousness and insecurity.
Whatever the interpretation, the stream of selfies is not producing the desired effect. It makes the poster look self-obsessed, needy, boastful and insecure – none of them attractive traits. The impact of a barrage of self-regarding poses can border on black comedy because it reveals so much naked self-absorption.
If you are still on the nursery slopes of selfie obsession and feel that you can take, and post, the occasional selfie without entering screaming narcissism territory, brush up on your selfie etiquette, to ensure that you are not causing offence:
• It’s not all about you
Think about the other people who will appear in the photograph, whether intentionally or accidentally, and ask them if it’s okay.
• Have some respect
It’s all about context and there will be places where a selfie is entirely inappropriate: in church; at weddings or funerals; at the scene of an accident or misfortune; at any time when taking a picture of yourself draws attention away from the main focus of an event.
• Safeguard privacy
Many people do not appreciate being subjected to compulsive photography and may feel that your habit of snapping yourself and your friends is intrusive. Check with other people before posting images of them and understand that not everyone wants his/her life laid bare online.
• Follow the rules
If you’re taking selfies you should adhere to accepted rules of photography; don’t take photographs if you will offend or upset anyone; ask permission if necessary; if there’s a no photo policy, respect it; never take a selfie when you’re doing something else that you should be focusing on 100 per cent (eg cycling, skateboarding, extreme sports).
• Get out of the way!
Your photo might seem like a top priority, but always remain conscious of the people around you, and ensure that you’re not obstructing them, blocking the view, or preventing them from taking photographs.
• Be courteous to celebrities
If you’ve spotted someone famous, your first thought might be to document the event for posterity by taking a selfie with them. But you should never barge into their personal space with camera held aloft and a huge smile pasted on your face. You must always ask permission first, and do so politely: “Excuse me, would you mind….” etc. If they show any hesitation, instantly melt away – no ifs, no buts.
• Enjoy real experiences
Don’t get too hung up on getting the perfect photograph. You don’t want to be missing out on real life experiences because you are too preoccupied with recording them. Selfies should be a useful tool, not a way of life.
Amsterdam has launched a “stay away” campaign, which is aimed at male British tourists aged between 18 and 35. The much-visited tourist destination has been suffering from its reputation as a convenient city break location, with a world-famous nightlife, cannabis cafés and a lurid red-light district. For all these reasons, it has become an extremely popular destination for young men, especially stag parties, and they have been singled out for special opprobrium.
City destinations all over Europe have been bruised by encounters with young British men, whose idea of a good time doesn’t go much further than getting blind drunk and making a lot of noise, preferably late at night. Infectious high spirits and bonhomie, which most local citizens will tolerate, can all too easily turn into raucous and threatening behaviour, which will push many residents over the edge. This is the modern tourist dilemma: the huge boost to the local economy that tourism brings must be offset by the negative impact of visitors and the disruption they bring to local inhabitants.
Why do so many of our countrymen save their worst behaviour for export? Getting away from home is obviously an escape into oblivion, a suspension of normal life, which encourages wild disinhibition and grotesque antics. “What happens in ______stays in ______” seems to be the prevailing attitude. But these tourists are suffering from a disastrous failure of imagination and empathy. The cities of Europe are not theme parks, conveniently laid out for their riotous enjoyment. They are historic centres, filled with intriguing sights and experiences, and populated by ordinary people who are trying to bring up their families and go about their everyday business. If tourists fail to notice, or appreciate, the daily life of the places they visit, then misunderstandings, resentment and conflict are bound to ensue.
Tourism should never be about inflicting yourself and your own limited agenda on the place you are visiting. You should always approach new places with a keen sense of curiosity, a desire to understand how they operate and a willingness to moderate your behaviour if that is appropriate. This means engaging in civil interactions with residents, asking questions, observing and listening. As you acquire a deeper awareness of your destination, you will find much more about it that engages you and your horizons will be broadened, which will enhance your enjoyment. Follow these simple rules:
• Choose your destination with care. If you are organising a riotous stag party and your expectations are extremely limited and alcohol-orientated, do your research and choose a place where your hosts will encourage pure hedonism, ply you with ridiculously strong drinks, invite you to all-night parties, applaud your drunken antics and even tend your hangover the following morning. These destinations do exist, but do not confuse them with a civilised European city where the residents just want to go peacefully about their business.
• Check local laws and customs before you travel, to ensure that you do not unwittingly transgress local norms. Remember these may cover a wide range, from appropriate dress to table manners and behaviour in places of worship.
• Embrace the host culture by trying local food and drinks. Approach everything with an open-minded and positive spirit, ask for recommendations, and always show your gratitude and appreciation.
• Do not assume everybody can speak English, and always politely ask locals if they speak English before you address them in your own language. Demonstrate your willingness to respect local life and culture by learning a few phrases in the local language – you should certainly learn basics like “Good morning”, “please” and “thank you”.
• Be civil and courteous at all times: that means smiling and greeting locals and remembering to use phrases like “excuse me”, “please” and “thank you” during transactions.
• If you are visiting a city, be very conscious of noise nuisance in quiet residential areas. Remember, behind the historic facades there are apartments and sleeping residents, so don’t come rollicking back to your hotel at 3am shouting and singing. Save that behaviour for bars and clubs and show some consideration.
• Keep a sense of perspective and try and be as flexible and accommodating as possible. Things will inevitably go wrong – there will be cancellations or transport delays, mix-ups over hotel rooms or arguments over bookings. Do your best to maintain a calm and friendly demeanour – you’re a guest in a foreign country, so make sure you’re a good one.
Image from Panorama's 'spaghetti harvest' in 1957.
April Fools’ Day, 1 April, is one of the world’s most widely acknowledged non-religious holidays. There is much dispute about is origins, but they can probably be traced back to the Roman festival of Hilaria, which was celebrated at the end of March by followers of the cult of Cybele, and involved people dressing up in disguises and mocking their fellow citizens.
It was several hundred years later before the first recorded mentions of the festival appear. In 1586 a Flemish poet wrote some comic verses about a nobleman who sent his servant on a number of “fool’s errands” in preparation for a wedding feast on “Fools’ Day”, 1 April. Other historians argue that Fools’ Day can be traced back to the transition from the Julian to the Gregorian calendar, decreed by the Council of Trent in 1563. According to the Julian calendar the new year began at the time of the vernal equinox, around 1 April; new adherents to the Gregorian calendar began to celebrate the new year on 1 January. In France, people who were slow to adjust to the new timings and persisted in following their traditional April new year, were mocked as “poissons d’Avril” (young fish were easily caught in spring and therefore seen as foolish and gullible) and became the butt of jokes and hoaxes. The first mention of April Fools’ day in Britain was in 1686 when the biographer John Aubrey described 1 April as “Fooles holy day”.
April Fools’ Day became an occasion for pranksters and mischief-making – the intention was to play light-hearted tricks, for example gluing money to the pavement, or swapping sugar for salt. As time went on, these pranks became more elaborate, and newspapers, media outlets and businesses now use the day to set up elaborate scams or to launch false announcements as a way of boosting business or publicity – the BBC’s 1957 straight-faced report on the Italian spaghetti-growers, who harvested spaghetti from trees, is legendary; spaghetti was still seen as an exotic food in 1950s Britain and many viewers were fooled.
There is a tradition that pranks can only be played until noon; if anybody transgresses and plays a prank after that cut-off time, they are considered the fool. In 1855, the following ditty was recorded in the county of Hampshire:
April fool’s gone past,
You’re the biggest fool at last;
When April comes again,
You’ll be the biggest fool again
April Fools’ Day has also long had a reputation as an unlucky day, and therefore a bad day on which to schedule important events, such as a marriage. After Napoleon married Marie-Louise of Austria on 1 April 1810 his subjects mocked him, as follows:
Napoleon, Napoleon
We thought you were a nice Italian dish!
Instead we have discovered that you are a small April fish!
We have established the historic credentials of April Fools and some of the traditions associated with it. But should we be participating and playing practical jokes, and how do we judge when April Fools’ horseplay is inappropriate?
If you’re an inveterate prankster, remember a good practical joke will do no more than showcase the victim’s gullibility, ideally in an ingenious and amusing way, and should not therefore inflict lasting damage. Before you devise a fiendish array of practical jokes, just pause and consider the following:
• Think about the target
While nobody wants to be played for a fool, many of us are robust and self-confident enough to laugh off any embarrassment. However, there are some people who will find being targeted genuinely upsetting; they may be shy, self-contained, self-protective, thin-skinned and vulnerable. Refrain from putting people like this through the practical joke trauma – it may do much more damage than you intend.
• Only play pranks on people you know well
For all the reasons given above, you should be very cautious about blithely assuming that someone you don’t know very well shares your sense of humour. If they don’t, the embarrassment and discomfiture you inflict on them may be the cause of deep resentment and may make you look cruel and vindictive.
• Don’t make jokes about serious matters
You might think it’s hilarious to shatter your target with lies of the “You’re fired!”, “Your mother and I are getting divorced”, “We’re moving to Australia” variety. But if they’re taken in, even if it’s for just a few minutes, they will experience a genuine sense of shock and desolation and may find it very hard to recover or forgive you for your insensitivity.
• Be prompt to admit you’re the prankster
If you’ve played a practical joke and your victim comes to the realisation that you’ve done so, hold your hands up and admit it when asked. Otherwise, you’ll be wielding the power of uncertainty over your target for the whole day, which will justifiably build up a feeling of animosity.
• Don’t be mean-spirited
Think about your proposed prank and how it would make you feel if you were the victim. If that makes you recoil in horror, you can safely assume that you have crossed the border into transgressive behaviour, which will cause shame and distress rather than good-natured laughter.
• Think about consequences
Playing practical jokes can make you feel like a powerful puppet-master, but don’t take it too far, especially in the work context. If you play on someone’s vulnerabilities or desires (for example, a workplace crush or a secret ambition), you may end up causing such painful humiliation that you run the risk of being accused of workplace harassment or bullying.
Our ancestors made much of their honour and reputation; indeed, they took insults with the utmost seriousness, and sometimes felt obliged to challenge their antagonists to duels in order to defend their reputation. The practices of duelling were elaborate and codified: the offended party sent a challenge through his ‘second’, who was chosen to represent his interests throughout the affair. If the recipient chose to meet the challenge with an apology, it was usually accepted, and the affair was forgotten. If he refused, and accepted the challenge, it was up to the recipient to choose his own second and select the place of combat and the type of weapons used. Right up to the encounter, the seconds for each party attempted to mediate and prevent violence.
The purpose of the duel was not necessarily to kill, but to gain ‘satisfaction’, that is to restore one’s honour by being willing to risk one’s life for it. In the 17th and 18th centuries duels were fought with rapiers or swords, but over the course of the 18th century duelling pistols became the most popular weapon.
In the age of Enlightenment duelling was increasingly seen as an unfortunate relic of Britain’s medieval past. With increasing industrialisation, wide-circulation newspapers, and a growing tendency to have recourse to the libel courts rather than pistols, duelling became marginalised as an arcane aristocratic pastime, which had no place in the modern world. The last-known fatal duel between Englishmen occurred in 1845; from that point on antagonists had to find other means of resolving matters of honour.
Throughout the long, drawn-out demise of duelling, many voices were raised against the primitive practice, including that of our favourite 18th-century etiquette expert, the Rev Dr John Trusler. While he accepted in his Principles of Politeness (1775) that in certain circumstances duelling was inevitable, he argued that in many cases it could be avoided, and recommended ways in which disputes could be defused and smoothed over before they turned violent. Inevitably, these methods involved displaying a devastating civility, wielding impeccable manners as a weapon, rather than the sword or duelling pistol:
“In the course of life, we shall find it necessary very often to put on a pleasing countenance when we are exceedingly displeased; we must frequently seem friendly when we are quite otherwise. I am sensible it is difficult to accost a man with smiles who we know to be our enemy: but what is to be done? On receiving an affront, if you cannot be justified in knocking the offender down, you must not notice the offence; for, in the eye of the world, taking an affront calmly is considered as cowardice.”
This wily and pragmatic advice is to effectively turn the other cheek. Given that, if you publicly acknowledge an affront and do not act upon it you will be condemned as a coward, it is safe and sensible to ignore affronts if possible and put on a ‘pleasing countenance’.
“If fools should attempt at any time to be witty upon you, the best way is not to know their witticisms are levelled at you, but to conceal any unease it may give you: but should they be so plain that you cannot be so ignorant of the meaning, I would recommend, rather than quarrel with the company, joining in even in the same laugh against yourself; allow the jest to be a good one, and take it in seeming good humour.”
Defuse mockery and laughter at your expense by joining in. A display of affable good humour will take the wind out of the sails of even the cruellest satirist, and laughing at yourself is always the best way of winning friends and gaining popularity.
“Never attempt to retaliate in the same way, as that would imply you were hurt. Should what is said wound your honour, or your moral character, there is but one proper reply which I hope you will never be obliged to have recourse to.”
Retaliating in kind, or answering back, when you are the victim of cruel or slanderous accusations is a dangerous game as it makes it quite clear that you feel dishonoured and offended. If you make these feelings known, then you are escalating the situation and honour bound to act – in other words you will be forced to challenge your antagonist to a duel.
“Remember there are but two alternatives for a gentleman; extreme politeness, or the sword. If a man openly and designedly affronts you call him out; but if it does not amount to an open insult, be outwardly civil; if this does not make him ashamed of his behaviour, it will prejudice every bystander in your favour…”
Here Trusler signals out the ‘open insult’, which was clearly a premeditated attempt to discredit and dishonour. He concedes that, in these circumstances, a challenge must be thrown down; but other insults, which emanate from the heat of the moment, misunderstandings, and possibly intoxication, should be met with exquisite, and mortifying, civility.
“Wrangling and quarrelling are characteristics of a weak mind… pride yourself on showing it, if possible, more civility to your antagonist than any other in the company; this will infallibly bring over all the loafers to your side, and the person you are contending with will be very likely to confess you have behaved very handsomely throughout the whole affair.”
Perhaps the most sensible advice of all, Trusler contends that it is a sign of weakness to allow your self to be drawn into senseless disputes. If someone is trying to pick a quarrel with you, meet their aggression with faultless civility, and everyone – including your antagonist – will agree that you have behaved extremely well.
Duelling (and sensible advice against it) could only thrive in a society where notions of gentlemanly honour were strictly codified and adhered to with great tenacity. A gentleman’s ‘honour’ (his good reputation) was his most valuable asset, ensuring that he could move freely within the upper echelons of society, make an advantageous marriage and advance himself socially and professionally. If his honour was in any way besmirched, he was therefore compelled to defend it, by any means.
Looking at this dilemma from a 21st-century perspective, it is hard for us to grasp how much was invested in the sense of honour. While a personal calumny, or unsubstantiated accusation of corruption may land us in the libel courts, a sense of honour, or good moral character, seems to have become a debased currency for many people in positions of power. The idea, for example, that a person in power is “honour bound” to resign because facts have become public that severely damage his/her reputation, is not inevitably adhered to, and while there may be rumblings of disapproval, this refusal may not inevitably be fatal to a public career. Our duelling forebears would undoubtedly look on in consternation…
Personal space became a much talked-about issue during the Covid pandemic as we all struggled to obey instructions to ‘keep your distance’ and attempted to surround ourselves with a much larger than average ‘exclusion zone’. Life has returned to a semblance of post-pandemic normality, but for many of us personal space is still an issue. These concerns may also have become more pressing as we enter a ‘cyberspace’ era; many of our social interactions are online, where the subtleties of body language are irrelevant, and our notions of personal space in the real world may have become impaired through lack of practice.
Scientists argue that our concept of personal space is the foundation on which we build all our social interactions. It emerges from an atavistic urge to protect ourselves from threats or predators, overlain by social expectations and by our own attitudes to other people, which may have been formed by our upbringing, our experiences or social conditioning. Different cultures also have quite clearly defined attitudes towards physical space.
To some extent our sense of our own physical comfort zone and our reactions to threat are hard-wired, although we are clearly attuned to social expectations and need to make countless micro-adjustments as we move through the world. Most of the time, we react to the people around us, accommodating and, to a certain extent mirroring, their use of physical space, without any conscious thought. Our own sense of space is contextual: we are likely to be much more comfortable, and therefore happy being physically close, with friends and family, than in our encounters with strangers or work colleagues, where our spatial boundaries are naturally magnified. It is an important social skill to be able to make these judgments and adjustments; this ensures that we are never accused of inappropriate or intrusive behaviour.
Most of us are broadly average when it comes to our physical comfort zone; we maintain a distance of 3–4 feet (unless we are with people we know intimately), we are happy to shake hands, kiss in greeting, and we don’t react violently to being touched.
But some people require a much larger exclusion zone: they create more physical distance, are reluctant to touch strangers when being introduced, and flinch if their space bubble is invaded, for example if somebody reaches out to touch them or places a hand on their back.
By contrast, we’ve all encountered ‘close talkers’, people who are physically overbearing, who are often tactile and invasive. Frequently, these people are tall or substantial, with dominant personalities – they are clearly demonstrating that they are not intimidated by their fellow human beings and have very limited exclusion zones. Or they may simply be oblivious extroverts, who are blissfully unaware that they are treading on toes, barging into other people and overwhelming them, because their exuberant bonhomie propels them towards close encounters with their fellow human beings.
It is common courtesy to respect other people’s space bubbles and to resist being invasive and overbearing. But it should also be acknowledged that if you are a person who requires a large amount of space, you may well be broadcasting subliminal messages that are chilly and stand-offish. If you recognise this about yourself, try and make a conscious effort to stand a little closer to other people and, even if you do not initiate physical greetings, at least try to reciprocate without flinching.
• Stand back
If you feel someone is looming over you or touching you more than you like, just take a step back. You may find that they react by taking a step forwards and re-closing the gap you have created, in which case further action is required.
• Use furniture defensively
Standing behind a well-placed table is an excellent way of heading off a space invader. Alternatively, if chairs are available, you can always say “shall we sit down?” – chairs are bulky and awkward objects and it’s much harder to enter someone’s space bubble when you’re sitting in a chair.
• Deploy non-verbal signals
There are other ways in which you can demonstrate discomfort and deter someone from violating your space. You can fold your arms or put your hands on your hips, which are closed, defensive gestures. If you are seated, cross your legs and sit at a slightly oblique angle from the target and lean back. Minimise eye contact, or fix your gaze on another object, avoiding eye contact altogether.
• Speak up
If you’ve worked your way through your entire armoury of non-verbal signals unsuccessfully, you might have to say something. While it is tempting to say, “Back off!”, it is undeniably rude, so try saying something more subtle like “Sorry, would you mind stepping back a bit? I’m feeling a bit claustrophobic!” or “Oh dear, it’s very crowded here – shall we go somewhere where there’s more space?” It should be possible to convey the message without being offensive.
Wedding season is fast approaching so we thought it was time to take another look at our enquiries inbox, and put some of your wedding-related questions to our etiquette experts:
1. “We haven’t got the largest sum of cash for our wedding in August and have accepted help from both sets of parents with the finances. As my parents are taking care of most of the costs of the reception and have requested to be named hosts of the wedding (I've agreed, but my husband is not so thrilled), they believe it gives them the right to choose who can come to OUR wedding. We have 20 friends who we wouldn’t want to get married without, which our parents kicked up a fuss about for six months before letting it go. My husband has a big family so there are more guests on his side, which has made my parents want to invite their friends to equal the numbers. Are numbers that important? And don’t we get a say in it?”
Firstly, this is your big day, and it is imperative that all your closest friends are invited. Unfortunately, if parents are shelling out large sums for a wedding, they can feel that this entitles them to fill the wedding party with guests of their own choosing. This is where money can complicate issues. There is no absolute obligation for each family to invite equal numbers of guests, and if one side has a big family, it may be inevitable that this distorts the guest lists. But really, your parents should remember that they are doing this for you, not themselves, and should be able to live with it. The basic rule is to compile a guest list in this order: family (from both sides of course); closest friends of the couple who are marrying; others. You should compile the guest list yourselves, and then present it to your parents for negotiation.
The fact is that, if you are accepting parental help with the finances, you may find yourselves forced to make compromises. If too much ill-feeling is being caused by this arrangement, you may want to consider downsizing your plans, and meeting the majority of the costs yourselves. You would have a smaller, less elaborate wedding, but everything – from the guests to the venue – would be chosen by you and you would remove any sense of obligation towards your parents.
2. “We’ve just got engaged and are planning our wedding next year. We’d like it to be a really special day and know we can be much more ambitious in our plans if our parents help out, but so far they haven’t offered. How do we raise the money question?”
Traditionally, the bride’s family bears the cost of the wedding, but this is by no means expected today. Often the groom’s parents will pay for a certain element of the day - eg the dress, the wine. Alternatively, they may just write a cheque towards the total cost of the wedding.
If you want to raise the awkward question of cost with parents, it is best to be direct, but also to show you have an alternative that does not require subsidy. So, sit down with your parents and say you’ve been thinking about the wedding, and present two options with a breakdown of costs: option 1 (lots of guests, big marquee, evening reception) will cost £xx, which is beyond your budget. Option 2 (limited guest list, afternoon reception only) will cost £xx which, as a couple, you can just about afford. What do they think? This way, they can jump in and offer to help subsidise option 1. If they can’t afford to help, they have a non-embarrassing exit-strategy – they could even suggest a compromise, with their help, between the two options, or could choose to take care of one aspect of the day, eg wine.
3. “Numbers are very tight for our long-planned wedding this July and – like lots of couples – we’ve been poring over our guest lists and RSVPs, juggling numbers and being forced to make sacrifices. So, I was completely thrown when one of my best friends, who has been single for ages, dropped me a note asking if I’d mind if she brought her new boyfriend. What should I do?”
You really have no obligation to accommodate friends’ new partners at your wedding. These events are planned months in advance, and numbers are set in stone well before the date. If a new boyfriend can’t be squeezed in (perhaps because of a cancellation) you should feel no guilt about saying no. Just be perfectly honest; say you’d have loved to invite the new boyfriend, but unfortunately planning took place months ago, numbers are fixed, and there really isn’t any way he can be included. You could soften the blow by suggesting that you and your fiancé meet up with your friend and new partner for dinner before the wedding for a ‘private celebration’.
4. “I love my mum, but clothes are really not a big priority for her, and she tends to make rather bizarre choices when she’s required to dress up! How do I tactfully avoid a potential fashion embarrassment?”
Of course, you’ll want everyone to look their best on the big day. For close family members, such as your mother, it’s a really good idea to pre-empt the problem by suggesting a pre-wedding shopping trip. You could combine it with buying something for yourself (eg wedding shoes), so she won’t feel over-managed, and you could build the trip around a special mother-daughter lunch so she’ll feel more attracted by the prospect of clothes shopping. If you’re too late, and you find her modelling a hideous outfit, the most tactful way out is to suggest that your mother-in-law is thinking of wearing a similar colour and it might be wise to find something that will really stand out. Alternatively, you could use flattery – and say, what a shame, you’ve spotted an outfit/colour that would look absolutely stunning with her eye/hair colour/figure etc.
5. “One of my closest friends is a talented dressmaker, who makes all her own clothes, and I know she’s going to offer to make the wedding and bridesmaids’ dresses. But I’ve got my heart set on a specific dress designer, and I don’t know how to turn down her offer politely. Can you help?”
If friends are offering to bake the cake/make the dress/do the flower arrangements and you don’t want to use them, the best way out is to say very firmly, at the outset, that arrangements are already under way. If necessary, you can soften the blow by hinting that the decision is out of your hands, and that your mother/mother-in-law/fiancé have insisted on taking control of all these aspects of the wedding. The important thing is to nip these suggestions in the bud at the outset. Don’t prevaricate and say “yes, I suppose that would be helpful, I’ll have to check…” Any ambiguity may lead to confusion and embarrassment.
6) “We’re having a 4pm wedding and thinking food will be around 6pm, then hoping for evening guests to arrive at 8pm and food again at 9pm? Do you think this is ok? I don’t think the daytime guests will eat again but presumably evening guests will expect food?”
Pacing the day and managing guest expectations is a very important part of wedding planning. It is vital to ensure that guests are not left for long intervals, drinking and not eating, or the proceedings may get out of hand. The best option is to have a sit-down meal for day guests, and then provide a simple buffet for evening guests. That way you can stick to your timings and ask evening guests for 8pm. If the sit-down meal is no later than 6pm, you will be confident that formal proceedings will be over by the time the evening guests arrive. Daytime guests probably won’t want to eat again in the evening, but you should certainly provide enough food to ensure that late night ‘snacking’ is still a possibility, and a buffet is an ideal solution. Make sure that tea and coffee is available throughout the evening, as you may find some of your day guests are beginning to wilt.
We live in a noisy world: jets fly overhead; juggernauts accelerate outside our window; engine noise is a constant background hum; sirens wail. Even when we retreat into interior public spaces, anxious to escape the cacophony of street noise, we must deal with “background” music played at top volume, broadcast announcements, loud conversations.
It’s true that, outside our own homes, we have little control over most of these causes of noise pollution, but we can take responsibility for our own noise levels; that means modulating the volume of the voice and being very circumspect about the volume and noise leakage of our various devices. Of course, you do not have to slip silently through the shadows, never emitting any sound louder than a barely audible whisper. As with all good manners, adjusting your own volume is about being self-aware and observant, judging the situation in which you find yourself, and ensuring that your noise output is not going to cause inconvenience or distress for the people around you.
Many venues play music at an unfeasibly loud level of amplification, which is compounded by hard echoing surfaces such as wooden floors. Inevitably, voices are raised to counteract background noise and you are soon shouting to make yourself heard. In many places this is inevitable, and you have to accept the hubbub with good grace. But if you are in a tranquil restaurant or a pub where locals are enjoying quiet conversation at the bar, you should be very aware of the volume of your voice.
We all tend to shout as we become more animated and excited, or to emit loud, shrill laughter. Look around you, assess the situation and try to dial down the noise level – lower your voice and test whether your companions can hear you. If they’re constantly cupping their ears, asking you to repeat yourself, or looking confused and disengaged, then you’ve overdone it, and you will have to adjust accordingly. If one member of your party is very loud, it’s quite acceptable to politely point this out. Don’t assign blame, just say, “I think we should keep our voices down – it’s very quiet in here and we’re probably disturbing other people.”
Most people on buses and trains tend to close themselves off in their own world, lost in their phones, laptops or books and quite possibly also wearing headphones or earbuds. If you are travelling with somebody, then you may well want to talk but remember to keep your voice down and don’t distract an entire train carriage with your conversation. The same rules apply if you are having a conversation on your phone; lower your voice and, if reception is poor on the bus or train, don’t respond by shouting ever louder, just explain where you are and suggest that you’ll talk later.
Remember, commuter journeys are much more likely to be hushed and silent, especially on trains. People are preparing for, or recovering from, a day’s work and want to retreat into silent contemplation, and this should be respected. You may find journeys in the middle of the day, when trains and buses are packed with families, kids and gangs of friends, are much noisier and you will simply have to accept that this is the case and arm yourself with headphones. At any time of day, it goes without saying that you should respect “quiet zones”, mute your devices and take a vow of silence.
Finally, if you’re one of the self-contained passengers who is communing with their device, always use effective headphones that will block any sound from escaping. It is the height of anti-social behaviour to listen to music or watch a video without headphones, or to hold a phone away from your ear when conversing, inflicting both sides of your conversation on neighbours. This may seem self-evident, but it is happening with increasing frequency.
There are certain public spaces where, by mutual consent, noise should be kept to a minimum. If you are visiting art galleries or museums, it is perfectly acceptable to chat with your companion, but the expectation is that you will do so in a low, discreet murmur, so that you do not distract other visitors. Chatting on mobile phones should also be avoided.
It is fine to chat quietly while you are waiting for a film, performance or play to begin, but there is a strong presumption that you will be silent during the performance or screening and, if for some reason, you feel that you have to say something to your companion, you will do so in a barely audible whisper. We’ve all been to cinemas, for example, where some members of the audience behave as if they were in their own sitting room, chatting audibly throughout the film. This is the height of bad manners, as it takes no account of the situation or the comfort of other audience members.
Open plan offices are increasingly common, and while they can be great spaces in which to communicate and work as a team, they can also be very noisy and distracting. It is sensible when planning an open plan layout to take noise into consideration: locate the kitchen, which is always a focal point for conviviality, away from the main space; provide meeting rooms or ‘break-out’ rooms for occasions when conversation is imperative; create a layout where people are encouraged to get up and move around – don’t block in desks so that people feel obliged to shout across the room.
Don’t be the office loudmouth. Restrict yourself to quiet conversations with your immediate neighbours and take yourself into the kitchen (or any other designated area) if you’re having an animated chat. Never shout across the room to get a colleague’s attention: it’s always better to walk over to their desk or even send them a quick text. If you’ve got a video call booked, use your headphones and warn your neighbours, and try to keep the volume of your voice down. You really shouldn’t need to shout if you’re using sophisticated modern phones and computers.
You might feel that music while you work is an excellent way of enhancing energy or signalling that the weekend is approaching, but you should never inflict it on your colleagues. There will always be someone desperately trying to concentrate, or who has entirely different musical tastes and is being slowly driven mad by your playlist. Remember, if in doubt, always use headphones.
Our means of communication are multiplying, offering us a growing range of choices – texting, emails, messaging apps, video calls, chatbots – but increasingly we’re steering clear of the humble phone.
In a work context many of us argue that communicating by digital means offers us a range of advantages: it enables us to multitask, to work when and where we please, to pause for thought and consideration, without having to come up with an instantaneous response. Above all, communicating in these ways gives us a feeling of control: we are setting the agenda, choosing when to respond and giving ourselves a sense of psychological distance, which may help to relieve the stress we feel when we are bombarded by information and requests all day long.
In a social context, phone calls are also in decline. Many people find their phones intrusive, preferring to switch them to silent, and to communicate by text or message. It is increasingly common to use text messages to arrange phone calls at a set time, thereby asserting control over the phone, rather than letting its insistent ringing rule our lives. We are beginning to feel hesitant about spontaneously picking up the phone and making a call – we project our own desire to control input on to others and choose more circuitous routes of communication.
Many of us also find ourselves reluctant to use the phone when we are administering our own lives. If we have a query about our bills, our broadband contract, our bank account, or if we have a customer complaint, we tend to hide behind the anonymity of the online complaint form or the chatbot, opting to avoid direct connection with another human being. This tendency is greatly magnified by many companies’ phone systems, which seem to be designed to deter all contact by putting up barriers such as multiple menus, automated answering, and protracted waiting times (with or without musical accompaniment). The more we avoid using the phone, the less appealing phone calls become; we find ourselves turning phone phobic, always attempting to find other routes to access information and help.
Yet, despite the benefits and effectiveness of digital forms of communication, using the phone can be the most practical way of getting things done. It is a well-tested and universally available tool, which does not require computer equipment, programs, or a reliable WiFi connection. A phone call will circumvent unnecessary bureaucracy and obfuscation – anyone who has had to wade through an epic email thread will know how very easily the nub of the matter can be buried or obscured. Providing you get through to the right person, a phone call is also gratifyingly direct; questions can be asked and answered, clarification can be sought, a course of action can be agreed – all in the space of a few minutes and without an intervening and protracted layer of written circumlocution.
Above all, a phone call is person-to-person. It gives you a chance to experience a moment of human connection, to exchange pleasantries, or comment on the weather. You will be able to respond to the tones and nuances of the human voice, convey subtle feelings of friendliness, gratitude, frustration or irritation that would be completely lost in a text exchange. Phone calls are an excellent way of communicating humorously, deploying irony and self-deprecation, which is much more open to misinterpretation in writing. This will allow you to build up a constructive rapport, which will inevitably expedite the business in hand.
Phone calls are also an ideal way to make discreet enquiries or circumvent official channels, bearing in mind that we do not always want all our communications to be recorded for posterity, or forwarded to other people. They allow us to be diplomatic and strategic.
We are lucky enough to be able to choose from many different types of communication; it would be a great pity if the phone is overlooked. If you feel you’re suffering from incipient phone phobia, try the following:
• Take calls more frequently – don’t let every incoming call go straight through to voicemail; if you recognise the number pick up the call. This will prevent you becoming rusty and may help you to avoid phone shyness.
• Make everyday phone calls – if you want to order a takeaway, book an appointment or find out if your dry cleaning is ready, consider using the phone rather than going online. You may find it much more efficient and pleasant.
• Don’t overthink making a phone call. If you’re worried that you’re bothering someone by making a call, preface your conversation with a polite query “is this a good time to talk, or would you prefer me to call you back?”
• Don’t forget the pleasantries. Phone calls are undoubtedly a good way of cutting through obfuscation and misinformation, but they will always be more successful if you establish human contact first. This can be as simple as asking “how are you?” – it’s only polite.
• Smile. It helps if you smile in a friendly manner when you speak on the phone. You can’t be seen, but the tone of your voice changes when you smile, and the caller will “hear” the smile. Even if you are making a difficult phone call, perhaps about a complaint, remember that a smile will aways be disarming.
