With the advance of hybrid working and the seemingly unstoppable march of social mores in the direction of increased informality, it is scarcely surprising that many of us find ourselves in workspaces where it appears that anything goes. We can wear what we want, choose our own work hours, brainstorm lounging over endless cups of coffee, and chat about work-related issues while we play ping pong or sip prosecco.
Many of us will be thriving in a more relaxed and congenial atmosphere and will be enjoying importing aspects of our home-based working lives into the workplace. But there is no getting away from the fact that – no matter how cooperatively your team works – workplace hierarchies do exist and must be acknowledged. Confusingly, many workplaces have moved on from the traditional symbols of authority – the boss’s corner office, imposing desk, dedicated secretary, well-tailored clothes. So it is scarcely surprising that employees can find it confusing when their boss is sitting at the next desk, wearing casual clothes and joining in the tea rounds and office banter.
Despite the collegiality and conviviality, you must remind yourself that you are answerable to your boss, that they have the power to promote or fire you, to assess and adjudicate you, award you pay rises or institute disciplinary proceedings. Your demeanour and commitment to work is being judged, so don’t be lulled into laxity or tempted to speak unguardedly, especially when you are in earshot of your manager. Informality can be very disinhibiting, but that can be perilous in a professional context.
Working in an informal atmosphere certainly requires employees to comply with the prevailing ambience – turning up in super-casual clothes, happy to hot desk, relaxing strict expectations about working hours. But it would be foolish to act less than professionally just because rules or expectations aren’t explicitly spelt out or enforced.
Informal workplaces are successful when hierarchies are recognised and respected but are implemented with a light touch and a minimum of rigid protocol. Hierarchies can introduce a certain amount of order and predictability, which will ensure employees are not left feeling lost or directionless.
Hierarchies provide structure and accountability, but they can also create competitiveness, resentment and tension. If people are openly vying for advancement within a rigid pecking order, then you will inevitably find that there is stress and discord.
Many of these potential problems can be solved by the choice of who gets promoted. Many people rise to the top of an organisation because they are dominant, confident, vocal or charismatic, not because they have expertise and experience, which will make them worthy of respect from their colleagues. Choosing managers who know what they are talking about, rather than merely knowing how to talk, is the first very important step in building an effective hierarchy.
Teams will always work better if certain individuals are given areas of responsibility that they can own for themselves, creating a sense of autonomy and responsibility within the hierarchical structure.
If your hierarchy is essentially triangular, with a wide base of colleagues who enjoy the same status and respect, it will always work better. It will foster a sense of cooperation rather than intense competition to climb the ladder.
An accessible second-in-command, whose job is to mediate between the boss and the rest of the team can really help when it comes to office communication. He or she is responsible for liaising with top management, translating what is being said in the corridors of power, as well as reporting back from the ‘shop floor’, raising concerns and giving credit where it is due. This liaison and interpretation will ensure that workers feel they are being taken seriously and it will also help them to feel confident and relaxed about speaking up, suggesting new ideas and mapping new ways forward.
Remember, even in the most informal of work settings, the borderline between familiarity and overfamiliarity is very, very finely drawn, to be crossed at your peril. Tread carefully and use your social antennae. Pick up clues from other people and don’t appropriate a familiarity that you haven’t earned – that will come naturally by getting to know your boss and working alongside him/her. It would be naïve to believe that traditional hierarchies have disappeared altogether, despite appearances to the contrary.
Seating plans are imperative for any large formal event, and most of us will encounter them at wedding receptions. A good seating plan is a finely-tuned piece of social engineering, which will ensure that compatible people meet and talk to each other, long-lost friends are reunited and new friendships are forged.
At official formal events, seating conventions are quite rigid, and differ from the customs at a social or purely private party. The host is seated at the centre of the table and as a general principle, guests radiate out from the centre of the table in order of precedence – whereas in some situations social rank may still be deemed to be of utmost importance, at most events considerations such as professional status and age are now treated as equally determining factors. For example, the chairman of a host company, the MP of the constituency in which an event is held, a foreign dignitary whose country is being honoured or a benefactor should all be recognised and seated appropriately.
The principal guest is placed on the host’s right. Traditionally the principal guest’s wife would be placed on the host’s left, the host’s wife being placed on the right of the principal guest. If wives are not present, the second most important guest would be placed on the host’s left. It is now as likely for the host, or the principal guest, to be a woman, in which case the same basic principles may be applied, with any necessary adaptations employed to achieve the desired balance.
It is up to the host to decide whether husbands and wives are to be seated together or apart. The former is easier to arrange, but the latter arrangement gives both husband and wife a chance to meet new people. It is usual to adhere to alternating the sexes. At single-sex dinners the same basic rules apply, and seating is arranged in order of precedence.
At an official event when there is a governing body or organising committee, important members or other subordinate hosts – the ‘home team’ – should be interspersed among the principal guests. For instance, at Buckingham Palace banquets, members of the extended Royal Family would qualify under this heading.
Even when you are hosting a small dinner at home, it is a good idea to at least have an idea about where people should sit (even if you don’t go as far as writing place cards).
The traditional plan is for the host and hostess to sit at either end of the table, with the most important female guest on the host’s right and the most important man on the hostess’s right. Some hosts prefer to sit opposite each other in the middle. Hosts who need to go in and out to the kitchen should sit near the door. Men and women are alternated where possible and, by convention, couples should not be seated next to one another (traditionally this rule was relaxed for engaged couples who would always be seated together). Try to avoid seating together workmates or those who see one another all the time.
It is, of course, the host’s prerogative to deviate from this conventional formula, and it is certainly sensible to accommodate peculiarities of the room and table shape, as well as guest requirements (for example some guests may prefer to be near the radiator and away from the drafts), in order to arrive at a harmonious solution. The emphasis should always be on ease and conviviality.
The seating plan is a critical organisational task when planning the reception. It can become a difficult juggling act as complications arise, people drop out and new guests are added. There is no point starting the seating plan too early, as names and numbers are bound to change, but it shouldn’t be left to the last minute.
The shape of the venue may dictate the shape and size of the tables – small round tables, which seat 8-10 people, are the most sociable. If the bride and groom decide to have a top table which is oblong facing towards the room, the traditional seating plan (facing the table from left to right) is as follows: chief bridesmaid, the father of the groom, the mother of the bride, the groom, the bride, the father of the bride, the mother of the groom, and then the best man. This sort of seating arrangement works well for speeches, affording guests a good view, but it is more formal and may make the wedding party feel that they are on public display. It is also not very sociable for those seated in a long line.
A plan of the room should be made first, locating the wedding party’s table(s). Important family or guests’ tables can then be allocated. Positions for the speeches and cake cutting, and access routes for the caterer and photographer, must also be considered.
Tables are numbered or may be named after something relevant to the bride and groom, such as places they have visited. Each place setting should have a name card; these can be decorative and themed to match the wedding stationery, or calligraphy, or neatly printed black on white. The table plan – a diagram of all the tables with people’s names – should be clearly displayed at the entrance to the seating area. Alternatively, little envelopes with each guest’s name, containing a card with a table number or name, can be laid out in a prominent place. This can create interest and conversation as guests try to establish who is sitting at their table.
The caterers must be supplied with a full seating plan, highlighted to indicate those with special dietary needs. They should also be given an envelope per table containing name cards for laying the tables. If there are any late changes, the best man or chief usher can keep the caterers informed. A few contingency name cards should be to hand for new guests and last-minute changes.
Generally, a seating plan is a chance to integrate your guests; you can have great fun ‘matchmaking’ your friends and you may even find you are responsible for new friendships forming on your wedding day. Try and ensure that you alternate sexes and arrange the tables so that guests can recognise at least one other person on their table. It’s a good idea to seat at least one lively extrovert at each table. Don’t take integration too far – you wouldn’t want your maiden aunt to be sitting on a table with a bunch of rowdy 20-something singles, so it’s often a good idea to match generations.
Traditional seating conventions, with a top table effectively hosted by the bride’s parents, who flank the newly married couple, are very much a reflection of the fact that in the past the bride’s parents would have paid for the entire event and were the effective hosts. Nowadays, payment and hosting arrangements are much more elastic, and frequently weddings are hosted by the couple themselves, rendering the traditional top table redundant. It is perfectly acceptable to dispense with these conventions and devise your own seating arrangements.
Foregoing the top table is a good way of steering clear of complications when dealing with divorced parents. Instead, they can be seated at separate tables; it may be sensible to ensure that they are flanked by new in-laws (for example the new spouse’s parents or siblings) and key members of the wedding team (bridesmaids, ushers) to make them feel an integral part of the celebrations. The bride and groom need not feel obliged to sit with their families, particularly when there are stepparents or difficult family politics involved.
If you are having traditional speeches, it helps if the father of the bride, the best man and the new husband are be seated at the same table (or at adjacent tables) and these should be in a central position so that they will be clearly visible and audible. These basic guidelines can easily be adapted for same-sex partnerships.
For many generations of Britons, the handshake was a default greeting. It was egalitarian, could be used by both sexes, and was seen as straightforward and uncontroversial. It was recognised throughout the world and was a safe option in most foreign countries. But in the last two or three decades the greeting situation has become much less clear-cut. Kissing began to take over from handshaking, much as the handshake took over from the bow and curtsy. This may well have occurred under the influence of our more demonstrative European neighbours – the French, for example, are inveterate kissers – and it may well have been the choice of younger people, who chose to discard the comparative formality of handshakes in favour of a warmer gesture.
The rapid ascent in popularity of the kiss was dealt something of a body blow by the Covid pandemic. British people, who had been becoming more relaxed and tactile, suddenly found themselves in a situation where any physical greetings, especially handshakes and kisses, were off the menu. We all had recourse to awkward bows, namaste gestures, elbow bumps or apologetic waves. This peculiar panoply of greetings inevitably persisted for some time after most social interactions had ostensibly returned to normal.
The ‘normal’ situation that was devastated by the pandemic was, however, already a cause of confusion, and navigating the ins and outs of British greetings still requires a large dose of tact and social awareness.
When should you choose the social kiss? This is usually dependent on situation, age, background, profession and your relationship. The double kiss is the norm among younger people, and it is not unusual for younger people to greet complete strangers with a double kiss, whereas middle-aged people are more liable to reserve kisses for friends. Don’t kiss colleagues, unless your workplace is very informal and friendly. Do greet close friends and dates with a kiss.
While young men are enthusiastic huggers, and a manly hug, often accompanied by affectionate back-patting, is becoming more popular amongst middle aged men, it is still more unusual for men to kiss one another in greeting than women, and kissing is still rare within more traditional professions, amongst older men or in very rural areas.
Many children hate being kissed by adults they hardly know. By the same token it is inadvisable for parents to force their children to kiss people. Instead, they should encourage small children to learn to shake hands, which is seen as charming and a sign that they are well brought-up.
The key is to make your actions clear to avoid embarrassing confusion. Usually, it’s right cheek first but prepare to change direction at the last minute. Pull back decisively (but don’t be too abrupt) if you are just giving one kiss. Be cautious with those you are less familiar with – two kisses might seem over the top. If confusion occurs over one-kiss-or-two, take charge and go in for a second. Humour is useful in deflecting embarrassment over the meet-in-the-middle mix-up. Three kisses is definitely too many.
An air kiss, with no contact at all, may seem rude or impersonal, but at least it is not intrusive – it is simply a social kiss, not a sign of affection to a loved one. A very slight cheek contact is best, and no ‘mwah mwah’ sound effects are needed.
Hand-kissing, or rather a man bowing over the hand of a married woman, never a young girl, and not quite touching it with his lips, is an elegant gesture which has an old-fashioned air of Mitteleuropa. It has never really caught on in Britain and tends to look affected unless you come from a culture where men are brought up to perform this courtly gesture.
Despite the increasing popularity of more tactile greetings there are undoubtedly many people who recoil from physical contact with someone they hardly know or are simply reticent about their physical boundaries and feel that kissing is intrusive. Additionally, some people are still cautious around close physical contact in the wake of Covid and prefer to keep their distance.
If you really object to being kissed by people you hardly know then you may extend a straight arm and offer to shake hands, which should give a clear message. This pre-emptive gesture is designed to nip any kissing in the bud, so if you are a social kisser, do not force kisses on people who are extending a hand.
If, like many people, you are confused by the whole contemporary greetings culture, you will probably find that the best attitude is somewhat improvisational and ad hoc. If you find yourself amongst a group of people where kissing prevails, then – unless you have any violent objection – it is probably best to go with flow. Simply hang back, take your lead from other people, and never visibly baulk at an unexpected kiss.
If you find yourself in a situation where you are clearly expected to be the initiator of the greeting, you can always default to a handshake; it is a more formal gesture, but at least it doesn’t intrusively presume on an intimacy that does not exist. Quite frequently it is deployed as an icebreaker on initially meeting someone, only to be supplanted by a more friendly kiss on saying goodbye.
“There is nothing like eavesdropping to show you that the world outside your head is different from the world inside your head.”
Thornton Wilder
We all disdain this habit, condemning it as a violation of privacy or excessively nosey, but we all do it. It is very human to feel intense curiosity about the private lives of others, and if the opportunity arises it is extremely hard to resist listening in.
Eavesdropping is defined as ‘stealthily’ or ‘secretly’ listening to private conversations. There is a fine line between eavesdropping and snooping, which tends to involve a much more active seeking-out of private information, possibly with a negative end in mind, for example proving that a neighbour is in some way transgressing social or legal norms.
Many of us don’t even realise we are eavesdropping. As we go about our daily lives we are gifted with snatches of overheard conversation, in shops, bars, buses, trains, and if something about them fascinates us and we begin to tune in to what is being said, rather than dismissing it as background chatter, we have turned into eavesdroppers.
If you are transfixed by a conversation at the next table, avoid the obvious signs of eavesdropping: cocked head, frequent glances and the distracted inability to participate in your own conversation. Resist all urges to gate-crash the discussion – “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but hear…”. Your targets will, rightly, be outraged.
In the era of mobile phones, we have all been provided with an abundance of eavesdropping opportunities. Private conversations are going on all around us, sometimes at a very loud volume. Research has indicated that we find one-sided conversations, where we have to ‘supply’ the missing half of the dialogue, particularly distracting. We are all turned into sleuths, trying to anticipate responses, process half-understood information and visualise the person at the other end of the phone. While for some of us this detection game is infinitely diverting, many of us will resent being ‘forced’ to listen to half-understood revelations about strangers' lives.
Given that eavesdropping is a universal, although frequently denied, tendency, it is extremely surprising how careless and indiscreet people can be about private conversations. It is reasonable to assume that, if a potential eavesdropper is within earshot, they will be listening to what is being said. If you care about your privacy, it is always sensible to be aware of your environment and to assess whether you can talk confidentially – remember, crowded restaurants and cafés provide excellent listening opportunities, and you can safely assume that everyone will be listening to your conversation on the train or bus, whether they like it or not.
Be aware of the volume of your voice; if you tend to shout or talk loudly when you’re feeling animated, then you will be providing listening fodder for everyone who is sitting nearby. If you’re in a public place and you want to be discreet, lower your conversation to a low murmur or postpone your conversation to a more appropriate time and place – nobody will be offended by a quick text to say “I’m on the train and can’t talk right now. Will call you later”.
Be very wary of listening in to the conversation of friends and family. Listening behind closed doors or tuning in to half-heard snatches of conversation is not only obtrusive it is potentially extremely damaging. You may hear something that you were not meant to or access a juicy morsel of gossip or scandal that was not for your ears. Worst of all, you may hear something about yourself that you find upsetting or provoking. When you’re only hearing snatches of conversation it is easy to jump to the wrong conclusion – Shakespeare expounds on this theme in Othello, when his hero’s jealous rage and ultimate downfall is predicated on an act of eavesdropping.
It is only human to eavesdrop, so it is foolish to forget that you are surrounded by potential eavesdroppers if you seek to create boundaries between your public and private persona.
Kindness is the foundation stone on which good manners rest, so we are delighted to celebrate Random Acts of Kindness Day.
Kindness is quite simply the ability to notice other people, recognise their needs or discomfort, and act upon that recognition. Kindness requires an ability to empathise with others and parents should encourage their children to empathise (“how would that make you feel?”) – kindness and good manners will naturally follow.
Nature, we are told, is red in tooth and claw but, despite the rigours of the evolutionary process identified by Charles Darwin, he also asserted that we are a fundamentally social and caring species, with an instinct to look after others; fulfilling this instinct brings us strong feelings of satisfaction, encouraging general happiness and wellbeing.
By being observant and aware we can easily identify people who need help, support or sympathy. This can range from impulsive good deeds for strangers (holding doors open, helping with heavy shopping, giving a frail person an arm, helping a mother with a pushchair) to more deliberate and planned acts of kindness. These might, for example, range from visiting a friend in hospital or giving a friend a helping hand with an elderly parent to sending an email or card to someone who is having a hard time or turning up at a lonely neighbour’s door with their favourite food or a bunch of daffodils.
Times are hard and opportunities for kindness are legion: you can contribute to food donations at your supermarket checkout or dig out unwanted clothes and bedding and take them to your local charity shop. You might even consider volunteering at a food bank or offering your services as a hospital visitor.
It goes without saying that kindness should permeate our lives, and not just be reserved for a special day, but it is always helpful to be reminded of the ways in which we can be kind. It’s not just about big gestures, but about maintaining a thoughtful and empathetic attitude – kind words (a compliment, congratulations on a job well done, praise and encouragement) will all have a major impact other people. Taking genuine pleasure in other people’s achievements, without envy or sniping, is an act of kindness.
At the most basic level, being polite, courteous and friendly is an act of kindness. Saying ‘good morning’ to strangers, smiling at the barista who makes your morning coffee, greeting the doorman, exchanging a few friendly words with the server at the sandwich shop… every one of these transactions is an act of kindness because it demonstrates that you are paying attention to the people around you, not merely taking them for granted, and doing your best to make them feel better.
If you’re thinking about ways in which you can be kind, it sometimes helps to think about ways in which you can be unkind: the overlooked elderly person, the overburdened stranger you were wilfully blind to as you barged on to the train, the shop assistant you ignored because you were on your phone, the depressed friends you avoided because you couldn’t face their sadness, the neglected parent who you can’t be bothered to visit and so on. Identify these failings and redress them.
Above all, understand that kindness comes from genuine feelings of sympathy and connection, it should never be a merely performative gesture. There is a trend on certain social media sites for attention-seekers to perform ‘random acts of kindness’ (for example presenting a stranger with flowers). These stage-managed gestures are filmed, uploaded, and in some cases go viral and garner much praise. But kindness should never be self-serving or used as an act of self-promotion, and frequently the ‘beneficiaries’ feel targeted and misused.
Don’t expect, or invite, accolades for acts of kindness, concentrate instead on seeking genuine ways in which you can offer a helping hand, a cordial word or a sympathetic ear. Remember that – however small your acts of kindness are – they all add up to a more civilised and courteous world.
If you’re a world traveller, you will appreciate how important it is to respect local customs and adhere as far as possible to the etiquette norms you will encounter on your journey.
Whether you are travelling for business or pleasure, you will inevitably meet local people and in most parts of the world will be overwhelmed by their hospitality. As a guest in a foreign land, you will want to give gifts, either as icebreakers or as tokens of respect and gratitude, but tread carefully. In some parts of the world gift-giving is surrounded by quite complex and elaborate etiquette, so it is always a good idea to be prepared.
Some rules for the giving and receiving of gifts apply to all three countries. For instance, when receiving a gift, do not open it in the presence of the giver. If you wish to make a gift, chocolates and flowers are suitable presents, but not frangipani blossoms or white flowers as in India and Sri Lanka these are associated with funerals, while they are linked with weddings in Pakistan.
Above all, never give a Hindu anything made of leather or a Muslim anything made from a pig. In all three countries, only give alcohol if you know the recipient drinks. Many men drink whisky in India, so it makes a good present.
If you wrap the gift, be careful not to use black or white paper as these colours are considered unlucky; lucky ones are green, red and yellow – or any bright colours as these bring good fortune. Present your gift with the right hand only, unless it is heavy, in which case use both hands. Sri Lankans will touch their right forearm with their left hand while offering the gift with their right hand.
For Hindus, giving presents eases the transition into the next life; it is not the value of the gift that matters, but the sincerity with which it is given. When the recipient thanks you, do not respond with ‘Oh, it’s nothing’ as this has a different meaning for Hindus than it does for us.
Gifts are very important to the Japanese. It is essential to give them to new bosses, business partners, hosts or when you return from somewhere. Presenting gifts can perform multiple functions like smoothing the way for a good relationship or reinforcing existing ties. Gift-giving is highly ritualised and is based on giri – the sense of reciprocity and duty owed by one citizen to another. The key is balance – giri involves offering like for like. A gift will always be reciprocated, and attempts will be made to match the worth of the gift received. At its most extreme the Japanese sense of reciprocity can produce embarrassing results. For instance, if you show appreciation for something they own, they may try to give it to you.
Highly coveted gifts include single malt whiskies and fine marmalade – in fact anything archetypically British. Cakes, biscuits, ties, scarves and beautifully illustrated books make good presents. Avoid cufflinks as most Japanese shirts have single cuffs. Do not give even numbers of items, particularly four of anything. Nine is also a taboo number. Gifts must be beautifully wrapped in pastel-coloured paper (most shops will wrap them for you). Use red and white paper for congratulations; avoid black, blue, green and white.
Give gifts when leaving a social engagement, not on arrival. When given a gift, express reluctance to receive it. At the same time, the giver will belittle their gift to you. Thus, you have both shown humility, and both been flattered by the other’s kindness. Give and receive with both hands, without fuss and away from the crowd. Never open a gift in front of the giver unless urged to do so.
The temptation to travel with your pockets bulging with gifts in case of emergency can be overwhelming, but should you receive one unexpectedly and have nothing to give in return, take the giver’s details and send them a tasteful card in thanks. This is perfectly acceptable.
Gift-giving in China is an art form. It is the gesture that counts, not the expense. Always give a gift in return for a gift or favour. Wrap the gift with great care, as the way it is presented is just as important as the gift itself. Use red or yellow paper, but avoid white, black and blue. Alcohol is not a suitable gift as many Chinese people have a very low tolerance to it. Pens and gourmet food are preferable.
Even numbers (except four) are considered auspicious, especially two, so giving a pair of something is ideal. If you visit someone in their home, take a gift of chocolates or flowers – but never yellow chrysanthemums as they are for putting on graves. Other items that are traditionally taboo as gifts are clocks, knives, letter openers and scissors. Younger people take these taboos much less seriously, but it is better to be on the safe side.
Give and receive gifts with both hands. When receiving one, decline three times before accepting as this shows a lack of greed. Once you have accepted it, a ‘thank you’ and a slight bow is appropriate. Never open it in the presence of the giver unless they insist. (In Hong Kong this rule is less clear, so ask ‘Should I open it now?’). If your gift is declined, insist gently until it is eventually accepted. (The ‘three times’ rule applies to many offers, such as invitations. Quiet persistence is required whenever offering anything to a Chinese person.) Never give a gift that the recipient will find impossible to reciprocate as this will cause them to lose face and place them in an awkward position.
A banquet (an elaborate multi-course dinner) may be given as a form of gift. If reciprocating a banquet with a banquet, never outdo the original gesture: spend the same amount of money and aim for the same quality.
Although gifts are always appreciated, do not feel obliged to give them. In stricter regions like Saudi Arabia only close friends exchange gifts and giving a gift before an amicable relationship has been established may embarrass the recipient. Chocolates or a small memento from home are appropriate. Some gifts are prohibited by tradition in Saudi Arabia: avoid giving gold jewellery and silk clothing to men.
Do not give gifts depicting images of women, so be careful about giving books. It is also probably advisable to avoid alcohol, as it is proscribed in many parts of the region.
In traditional Arab homes, where women remain out of sight, flowers for the hostess may not be appropriate. The correct form is to present the gift to the host without implying that it is for the hostess. If a man finds himself in a situation where he must give a gift to a woman, it is safest to say that it is from his wife, mother or sister. It is quite acceptable for a woman to present a gift to another woman.
If someone refuses to receive a gift, gently insist until they accept it. Do not refuse gifts if they are offered to you and do not open them until later. However, if the giver insists that you open it immediately, make a point of admiring it. They will do the same with your gift, so ensure that your gift passes muster.
Be very careful about expressing fulsome admiration for one of your host’s possessions. This imposes a duty upon him, and he will feel bound by the rules of hospitality to make a present of the object in question to its admirer. No amount of protestation will change the host’s mind and he will insist that the guest keeps the present.
Gifts are not always necessary but take one if you are invited to someone’s home. Flowers are a good gift, but tradition demands that the bouquet should contain an odd number of flowers. Consult the florist or opt for roses or carnations. Other suitable gifts are sweets, fruit, talcum powder or kolonya (the lemon-scented cologne that is used by both men and women throughout Turkey). Avoid giving alcohol unless you know your host drinks.
Give a present in one of two ways: either insist that it is unworthy of the recipient or – better still – leave it near the front door. In the latter case no one will mention it, but do not assume that they are ungrateful.
See our International Etiquette section for more cross-cultural guidance
Image: Robert Burns and Jean Armour, 1878, The Rev George Gilfillan
Seismic social upheavals have occurred since the Victorian period, especially in relation to love and marriage. This Valentine’s Day, we have been examining, with the help of the invaluable Routledge’s Manual of Etiquette (1860), mid-19th century courtship rituals and etiquette.
We are used to meeting people in myriad ways. If we cannot meet the love of our lives through more traditional methods (workplace, university, mutual friends, parties etc), then we now have recourse to a plethora of dating apps, which use algorithms to assess compatibility and suggest perfect matches. Once we meet someone, we have infinite freedom to get to know them, to spend time together, to live and travel together. We can conduct our romantic lives away from the prying eyes of parents, untrammelled by expectations of immediate engagement and wedding bells. It was a very different story for our ancestors…
…A gentleman has in one way or another become fascinated by a fair lady, possibly a recent acquaintance, whom he is most anxious to know more particularly… At this point we venture to give him a word of serious advice. We urge him, before he ventures to take any step towards the pursuit of this object, to consider well his position and prospects in life, and reflect whether they are such as to justify him in deliberately seeking to win the young lady’s affections, with the view of making her his wife at no distant period.
When he has satisfied himself on this head, and found no insurmountable impediment in his way, his next endeavour will be, through the mediation of a common friend, to procure an introduction to the lady’s family.
If a Victorian gentleman wanted to be considered a man of honour, his only motivation for paying court to a young lady was to eventually seek her hand in marriage. If he dallied and flirted with a number of young women of his acquaintance and made no steps in the matrimonial direction, his reputation would be compromised, and vigilant parents would take all the measures necessary to ensure that he had no further access to their daughters.
Young people are naturally prone to seek the company of those they love; and as their impulses are often at such times impatient of control, etiquette prescribes cautionary rules for the purpose of averting the mischief that unchecked intercourse and incautious familiarity might give rise to. For instance, a couple known to be attached to each other should never, unless when old acquaintances, be left alone for any length of time, nor be allowed to meet in any other place than the lady’s home particularly at balls, concerts, and other public places except in the presence of a third party.
Young people in the Victorian era were fiercely chaperoned and had no privacy. Social intercourse was strictly circumscribed, and courtship was inevitably a decorous affair; couples really had very little opportunity at all to get to know each other in private. This must have inevitably meant that most couples embarked on the life-changing commitments of engagement and marriage based on a very limited acquaintance.
A lady should be particular during the early days of courtship while still retaining some clearness of mental vision to observe the manner in which her suitor comports himself to other ladies. If he behave with ease and courtesy, without freedom or the slightest approach to licence in manner or conversation; if he never speak slightingly of the sex, and be ever ready to honour its virtues and defend its weakness; she may continue to incline towards him a willing ear.
His habits and his conduct must awaken her vigilant attention before it be too late. Should he come to visit her at irregular hours; should he exhibit a vague or wandering attention give proofs of a want of punctuality – show disrespect for age – sneer at things sacred, or absent himself from regular attendance at divine service or evince an inclination to expensive pleasures beyond his means, or to low and vulgar amusements; should he be foppish, eccentric, or very slovenly in his dress; or display a frivolity of mind, and an absence of well-directed energy in his worldly pursuits; let the young lady, we say, while there is yet time, eschew that gentleman’s acquaintance, and allow it gently to drop.
Meeting members of the opposite sex must have been a nerve-wracking experience. Because of the severe limitations placed on couples during courtship, they were enjoined to be extremely vigilant. Unable to form the ties of intimacy that we take for granted, they were forced to assess future partners by their appearance and behaviour. Ladies could judge a prospective partner’s credentials on the basis of his general manners and demeanour, the respect he showed her parents, his seriousness of mind and lack of frivolity. They were recommended to closely observe his behaviour around other young ladies; any signs of flirtatiousness or disrespect for the female sex in general were clearly red flags.
It would be well also for the suitor, on his part, during the first few weeks of courtship, carefully to observe the conduct of the young lady in her own family, and the degree of estimation in which she is held by them, as well as amongst her intimate friends. If she be attentive to her duties; respectful and affectionate to her parents; kind and forbearing to her brothers and sisters; not easily ruffled in temper; if her mind be prone to cheerfulness and to hopeful aspiration, instead of to the display of a morbid anxiety and dread of coming evil; if her pleasures and enjoyments be those which chiefly centre in home; if her words be characterised by benevolence, good-will, and charity: then we say, let him not hesitate, but hasten to enshrine so precious a gem in the casket of his affections.
But if, on the other hand, he should find that he has been attracted by the tricksome affectation and heartless allurements of a flirt, ready to bestow smiles on all, but with a heart for none; if she who has succeeded for a time in fascinating him be of uneven temper, easily provoked, and slow to be appeased; fond of showy dress, and eager for admiration; ecstatic about trifles, frivolous in her tastes, and weak and wavering in performing her duties; if her religious observances are merely the formality of lip service; if she be petulant to her friends, pert and disrespectful to her parents, overbearing to her inferiors; if pride, vanity, and affectation be her characteristics; if she be inconstant in her friendships; gaudy and slovenly, rather than neat and scrupulously clean, in attire and personal habits: then we counsel the gentleman to retire as speedily but as politely as possible from the pursuit of an object quite unworthy of his admiration and love.
Similarly, prospective suitors were encouraged to observe the behaviour of ladies within their own domestic sphere with close attention. Signs that they were respectful to their parents, dutiful, industrious, cheerful and – above all – home-loving, were all seen as indications that they would make excellent prospective wives. Any signs of vanity, petulance and frivolity were danger signals – no gentleman would want to form a lifelong relationship with a flirt, who thought more about her petty pleasures than her duties to her husband.
As you celebrate Valentine’s Day, spare a thought for our Victorian ancestors. For many of them, choosing a life partner was little more than a shot in the dark, and getting engaged to be married was in many cases an attempt to please or placate anxious parents or to reinforce social status. It is easy to take our freedom of choice and relaxed rules around romance for granted but we should rejoice in the fact that we are not forced to make life-changing choices based on rigid social expectations and a limited drawing room acquaintance.
“Nothing is more deceitful than the appearance of humility. It is often only carelessness of opinion, and sometimes an indirect boast.”
Jane Austen
There is a plague of humblebragging on social media. This hybrid of humility and boasting, often wrapped up in a quasi-complaint, is seen by many people as an excellent way of disguising self-promotion, but its insincerity is transparent and deeply off-putting.
There is nothing new about false humility, as the quotation from Jane Austen (above) attests. But whereas Austen was beadily observing and gleefully exposing telling examples of false modesty in the small social circles that congregated in 19th-century drawing rooms, today’s humblebrags frequently go beyond the merely conversational, and are blazoned across the internet for all to see.
There are two distinct types of humblebrag. The first relies on a complaint: “I hate looking so young – even schoolboys are flirting with me!” is a thinly-disguised boast about youthfulness and attractiveness. The second type relies more heavily on humility, often served with a substantial helping of wide-eyed disingenuousness – “Why do I always get asked to do the important presentations?” or stagey incredulity – “I can’t believe they chose meto make this speech in front of so many famous people!”
A report in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2015 identified humblebragging as “a distinct – and ineffective – self-presentation strategy”. It is ineffective because it is fundamentally insincere, an attempt to conceal boastfulness beneath a more self-effacing veneer. In fact, studies have found, that most respondents would prefer to witness straightforward self-promotion rather than humblebragging, for the simple reason that it is more honest.
There seems to be a consensus that humblebragging is ineffective and unlikable. But how do you promote your abilities and accomplishments whilst still getting people to like you? The answer seems to be that sincerity and straightforwardness will have more positive impact that any of the circuitous strategies to elicit sympathy and praise that we have already discussed. If, for example, you find yourself in a job interview and are asked what strengths you would bring to your work, try to answer straightforwardly, rather than hiding behind an off-putting mask of humility: “I’m organised, efficient and I’m an effective communicator”. If you are asked in an interview about your greatest weaknesses, don’t respond with a classic humblebrag, for example: “I get so fixated with getting the job done on time that I work ridiculously long hours”. Instead, identify a genuine weakness but try to give it a positive spin: “I’m aware that my time-management skills aren’t as efficient as I’d like them to be, but I’m working to improve them.”
As far as the bragging is concerned, why not wait for other people to offer praise and compliments, rather than feeling compelled to be your own promoter and spokesperson? You will find that other people will always react more positively to you if you share credit when it’s due, are always generous in your support of other people, and are honest about the hard work and effort you have had to put into your achievements.
The humblebrag is part of the pervasive trend towards shameless self-presentation on social media – the implausible yoga pose, the exquisitely presented home-cooked lunch, the adorable children and captivating pets. Don’t be fooled into thinking it’s acceptable just because everyone else is doing it.
While success can alienate, especially if you boast or humblebrag about it, failure unites. If you must share personal updates with your social networks, make sure they are genuinely humble; you’ll garner more respect for revealing that you’ve walked around all morning with your flies undone than you will for your record-breaking marathon time.
“Who knows himself a braggart, let him fear this, for it will come to pass that every braggart shall be found an ass.”
William Shakespeare
Society is changing at a rapid pace and formalities and traditions are being discarded as we all seek the holy grail of tolerance and inclusivity.
These 21st-century attitudes are beginning to have a noticeable impact on 20th-century dress codes. While there’s still a time and place for dressing up – many of us still adhere to dress codes for weddings, smart parties or formal events – this change in attitudes is most apparent in the workplace.
The absolute uniformity of the City of London, where hordes of bowler-hatted, suited and umbrella-wielding workers appeared like clockwork during the rush hour, is long gone. In March 2019, Goldman Sachs, one of the biggest banks in the world, relaxed its dress codes, and formal business attire was no longer de rigueur. Other financial and legal companies followed suit and increasingly smart casual clothes, for example chinos, a jacket and open-necked shirt, were visible on the streets of the City of London.
Changing perspectives on workplace attire have been rapidly escalated by the impact of the Covid lockdown and the increased popularity of hybrid and flexible working. Once a workforce has become used to wearing casual clothing when they are working from home, it is harder to reinstate rigid adherence to formal dress clothes when they return to the office.
A flexible attitude to how employees dress brings many benefits. It advertises that the workplace environment is open and accommodating. It encourages employees to feel relaxed and comfortable when they are at work. Above all, it allows employees to assert and express their individuality, rather than making them feel like conventional corporate drones. The freedom to choose how to dress has long been recognised by the creative, media and new technology sectors, where it is associated with free-thinking inventiveness and innovative ideas.
Relaxed dress codes are also more inclusive, allowing minority groups to dress as they please, and to reject enforced adherence to conventional codes, which are not compatible with their background or beliefs.
Nevertheless, many companies – especially those that involve client or customer interactions – are still reluctant to dispense with dress codes. They feel that their employees are required to represent the corporate brand, not undermine it. They may also assert that smart business attire is associated in many people’s minds with maturity, experience and authority. Customers who are seeking important financial or legal advice, for example, may feel more trusting of a smart suited adviser than someone wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. Eventually, perhaps, these attitudes will erode further, and customers and clients will find the non-threatening accessibility of casual clothes more attractive and engaging than the authoritative carapace of the business suit.
The new relaxed attitudes are now beginning to extend beyond the workplace, into areas of British life that have conventionally been bastions of formality and tradition. On 2 February 2023 the Jockey Club announced that formal dress codes would no longer be in place at any of its fourteen racecourses, in a drive to make horseracing ‘accessible and inclusive’.
Up to now racing dress codes have been complex and proscriptive. Racegoers have had to interpret a range of instructions relating to hats, jackets, ties, dress lengths, and footwear. Jackets have been required even during steamy summer heatwaves, shorts and trainers have been completely repudiated and racegoers have been denied entrance because their dress is considered ‘unsuitable’.
All this has now changed and, apart from the Queen Elizabeth II stand on Derby Day at Epsom where formal daywear is still required, racegoers can now wear what they want. The Jockey Club has stated that people will enjoy a day’s racing more if they feel comfortable and relaxed, and hope that their new policy will encourage more people to attend their horseracing events. Racecourses not run by the Jockey Club, most notably Ascot where formal dress codes rule supreme, will continue to make their own rules.
The Jockey Club has listed an exception to its new informal rules: ‘offensive’ clothing. Clearly, whether you are working in an office in the city or enjoying a day’s racing, you will need to make certain judgements about what you wear. It is extremely challenging to find a universally accepted notion of what is offensive, but it is reasonable to expect employees – especially in more conventional workplaces – to opt for smart casual clothes, rather than exploiting the new freedom and turning up for work in sportswear, beachwear, jeans, flipflops and trainers. Employees should certainly default to smarter clothing choices and be sensitive to the workplace culture and their colleagues before going too far down the road to casual comfort.
It may only seem like yesterday we packed the Christmas decorations away, but the reality is that before we know it, the Easter holidays will be upon us, and with it, for students in the last three years of school – a great opportunity for some focused revision time! As former GCSE and A Level teachers, our consultants at Debrett’s Education know all too well the difference made to students who make the most of structured revision.
Since the A Levels returned to becoming linear (whereby students are assessed and awarded at the end of two years of study), the challenge for students has become to retain and then impart the knowledge and information gained over two years of study in the form of exams in the summer term of Year 13. The implications of failing these exams are huge, with many long-term plans and dreams dependent on a successful outcome.
However, it is not just Yr 13 who might be in search of a bit of extra support – Yr 12s who are only a short term away from having to make their university applications, will be conscious of the fact that their predicted grades will be make-or-break in terms of which universities they should approach, and of course, for those students facing GCSEs, A Level and further education courses are also dependent on achieving at the those Level 6s and above.
Hence, much to the dread of so many teens, the need for a well-organised, structured revision schedule becomes a vital part of the Easter holidays and the peak revision time for consolidating the knowledge gained.
We know of course that there are many students who are happy to organise themselves into a revision schedule, but there are always some who need extra support. Formal Easter revision courses run by schools and colleges are popular, and a great opportunity for those who need a routine and help keep the motivation and momentum going. These intensive revision courses focus on subject-specific topics, fill in any gaps in knowledge or understanding, and teach exam techniques that many students need help with. As well as consolidating knowledge, many courses will run assessments and provide feedback so students can see exactly how they are performing and highlight areas that may need more work. This, in turn, will boost confidence and help students to be “exam ready”.
Courses range from intensive subject focus day courses to residential courses, with varied durations, from weekend courses to ones lasting two weeks. Many schools will offer revision sessions for their own students, but there are other courses run at independent colleges, previously known as “crammer colleges”, that also offer high-quality intensive revision courses. Similarly, there are a number of residential programmes are often run at boarding schools over the Easter break. Residential courses are very popular for overseas students, especially those who cannot return home for the holidays. These courses are an ideal way to use the holidays to manage their revision in a more formal structured environment.
We are not suggesting on any level that the students have been inadequately prepared by their teachers – far from it – but inevitably there is so much to take in at both GCSE and A Level and so much work to be covered just ensuring that the specifications are covered, that the luxury of concentrated and personalised exam preparation may just be that. For some students just hearing the same information being reinforced by a different voice can make all the difference. The benefit of a formal revision course is that students are kept focused and organised, the time has been utilised effectively, and students can confidently approach their exams knowing they have done a solid course of revision.
If you would like more information about which courses are available and where, or just a chat about how best to support your child, through these next few months, please give one of our consultants a call on +44 (0) 203 848 9201, or fill out the enquiry form on our website education.debretts.com
