Society is changing at a rapid pace and formalities and traditions are being discarded as we all seek the holy grail of tolerance and inclusivity.
These 21st-century attitudes are beginning to have a noticeable impact on 20th-century dress codes. While there’s still a time and place for dressing up – many of us still adhere to dress codes for weddings, smart parties or formal events – this change in attitudes is most apparent in the workplace.
The absolute uniformity of the City of London, where hordes of bowler-hatted, suited and umbrella-wielding workers appeared like clockwork during the rush hour, is long gone. In March 2019, Goldman Sachs, one of the biggest banks in the world, relaxed its dress codes, and formal business attire was no longer de rigueur. Other financial and legal companies followed suit and increasingly smart casual clothes, for example chinos, a jacket and open-necked shirt, were visible on the streets of the City of London.
Changing perspectives on workplace attire have been rapidly escalated by the impact of the Covid lockdown and the increased popularity of hybrid and flexible working. Once a workforce has become used to wearing casual clothing when they are working from home, it is harder to reinstate rigid adherence to formal dress clothes when they return to the office.
A flexible attitude to how employees dress brings many benefits. It advertises that the workplace environment is open and accommodating. It encourages employees to feel relaxed and comfortable when they are at work. Above all, it allows employees to assert and express their individuality, rather than making them feel like conventional corporate drones. The freedom to choose how to dress has long been recognised by the creative, media and new technology sectors, where it is associated with free-thinking inventiveness and innovative ideas.
Relaxed dress codes are also more inclusive, allowing minority groups to dress as they please, and to reject enforced adherence to conventional codes, which are not compatible with their background or beliefs.
Nevertheless, many companies – especially those that involve client or customer interactions – are still reluctant to dispense with dress codes. They feel that their employees are required to represent the corporate brand, not undermine it. They may also assert that smart business attire is associated in many people’s minds with maturity, experience and authority. Customers who are seeking important financial or legal advice, for example, may feel more trusting of a smart suited adviser than someone wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. Eventually, perhaps, these attitudes will erode further, and customers and clients will find the non-threatening accessibility of casual clothes more attractive and engaging than the authoritative carapace of the business suit.
The new relaxed attitudes are now beginning to extend beyond the workplace, into areas of British life that have conventionally been bastions of formality and tradition. On 2 February 2023 the Jockey Club announced that formal dress codes would no longer be in place at any of its fourteen racecourses, in a drive to make horseracing ‘accessible and inclusive’.
Up to now racing dress codes have been complex and proscriptive. Racegoers have had to interpret a range of instructions relating to hats, jackets, ties, dress lengths, and footwear. Jackets have been required even during steamy summer heatwaves, shorts and trainers have been completely repudiated and racegoers have been denied entrance because their dress is considered ‘unsuitable’.
All this has now changed and, apart from the Queen Elizabeth II stand on Derby Day at Epsom where formal daywear is still required, racegoers can now wear what they want. The Jockey Club has stated that people will enjoy a day’s racing more if they feel comfortable and relaxed, and hope that their new policy will encourage more people to attend their horseracing events. Racecourses not run by the Jockey Club, most notably Ascot where formal dress codes rule supreme, will continue to make their own rules.
The Jockey Club has listed an exception to its new informal rules: ‘offensive’ clothing. Clearly, whether you are working in an office in the city or enjoying a day’s racing, you will need to make certain judgements about what you wear. It is extremely challenging to find a universally accepted notion of what is offensive, but it is reasonable to expect employees – especially in more conventional workplaces – to opt for smart casual clothes, rather than exploiting the new freedom and turning up for work in sportswear, beachwear, jeans, flipflops and trainers. Employees should certainly default to smarter clothing choices and be sensitive to the workplace culture and their colleagues before going too far down the road to casual comfort.
It may only seem like yesterday we packed the Christmas decorations away, but the reality is that before we know it, the Easter holidays will be upon us, and with it, for students in the last three years of school – a great opportunity for some focused revision time! As former GCSE and A Level teachers, our consultants at Debrett’s Education know all too well the difference made to students who make the most of structured revision.
Since the A Levels returned to becoming linear (whereby students are assessed and awarded at the end of two years of study), the challenge for students has become to retain and then impart the knowledge and information gained over two years of study in the form of exams in the summer term of Year 13. The implications of failing these exams are huge, with many long-term plans and dreams dependent on a successful outcome.
However, it is not just Yr 13 who might be in search of a bit of extra support – Yr 12s who are only a short term away from having to make their university applications, will be conscious of the fact that their predicted grades will be make-or-break in terms of which universities they should approach, and of course, for those students facing GCSEs, A Level and further education courses are also dependent on achieving at the those Level 6s and above.
Hence, much to the dread of so many teens, the need for a well-organised, structured revision schedule becomes a vital part of the Easter holidays and the peak revision time for consolidating the knowledge gained.
We know of course that there are many students who are happy to organise themselves into a revision schedule, but there are always some who need extra support. Formal Easter revision courses run by schools and colleges are popular, and a great opportunity for those who need a routine and help keep the motivation and momentum going. These intensive revision courses focus on subject-specific topics, fill in any gaps in knowledge or understanding, and teach exam techniques that many students need help with. As well as consolidating knowledge, many courses will run assessments and provide feedback so students can see exactly how they are performing and highlight areas that may need more work. This, in turn, will boost confidence and help students to be “exam ready”.
Courses range from intensive subject focus day courses to residential courses, with varied durations, from weekend courses to ones lasting two weeks. Many schools will offer revision sessions for their own students, but there are other courses run at independent colleges, previously known as “crammer colleges”, that also offer high-quality intensive revision courses. Similarly, there are a number of residential programmes are often run at boarding schools over the Easter break. Residential courses are very popular for overseas students, especially those who cannot return home for the holidays. These courses are an ideal way to use the holidays to manage their revision in a more formal structured environment.
We are not suggesting on any level that the students have been inadequately prepared by their teachers – far from it – but inevitably there is so much to take in at both GCSE and A Level and so much work to be covered just ensuring that the specifications are covered, that the luxury of concentrated and personalised exam preparation may just be that. For some students just hearing the same information being reinforced by a different voice can make all the difference. The benefit of a formal revision course is that students are kept focused and organised, the time has been utilised effectively, and students can confidently approach their exams knowing they have done a solid course of revision.
If you would like more information about which courses are available and where, or just a chat about how best to support your child, through these next few months, please give one of our consultants a call on +44 (0) 203 848 9201, or fill out the enquiry form on our website education.debretts.com
Remembering the names of people to whom you have been introduced can be a haphazard business. Some names are unusual, absurdly inappropriate, comic or pretentious, and will therefore stick in your mind. Many names are instantly forgettable, and more drastic measures need to be taken.
Remembering names in a business context is particularly crucial, as it indicates that you are focused on the job in hand and that you care about your professionalism. Potential clients and customers will always react positively if you remember their names but may feel subtly disrespected if you do not.
We’ve all forgotten names at one point or another, but if you feel you are an inveterate name-forgetter, you might want to experiment with the following measures:
• Remind yourself of the name of someone to whom you have just been introduced by using his or her name once or twice, but try not to overdo it, or you will look like an importunate salesman or appear ingratiating.
• Concentrate on the job in hand. Often you instantly forget names because you are not fully focused on the conversation; maybe your mind is elsewhere, or you’re thinking about a question you need to ask. If you’re not really listening to what you are being told, you will never retain it.
• Use visualisation techniques. For example, as soon as you hear the name, mentally blazon it across the person’s forehead. Or pick out a striking physical characteristic (the person’s hair, height, eye colour, spectacles etc) and couple it with their name in your memory – Sarah/glasses; Malcolm/beard; Lydia/curly hair. If the name conjures up a visual image (Angela/angel; Leo/lion) use it.
• Use association. It is often easier to remember names if you are already familiar with them, eg if the person you are meeting has the same name as your father, sister or best friend. But if these connections do not already exist, try and create them. Take the name and attach it to something or someone you already know – Charlotte, for example, could be connected to Charlotte Brontë, Queen Charlotte, Charlotte in North Carolina or Charlotte Rampling.
• Use mnemonics: Think of something memorable that rhymes with the name or make up a simple ditty.
• Repeat the name when you say goodbye. Every time you repeat a name you are increasing your chance of remembering it in the future and using it at the end of the conversation sounds natural and unforced.
On being introduced, it is quite permissible to ask for a name or title to be repeated, and even, if it is a complicated or unusual name that you still haven’t grasped, to ask for it to be spelt out. It is far better to show a genuine desire to get someone’s name right that to act as though it isn’t worth committing it to memory.
Unfortunately, the British cannot use an equivalent of ‘Monsieur’ or ‘Madame’ without a last name, which can be a very effective way of concealing your forgetfulness. You cannot really call someone ‘Mrs’ or ‘Miss’ (other than schoolteachers) and should only use ‘Sir’ for a schoolmaster, or if you are in the forces. Don’t use other terms (‘darling’, ‘dear’, ‘sweetie’ etc) to paper over the fact that you’ve forgotten someone’s name. These are terms of endearment and complete strangers may well feel suspicious to find your conversation peppered with them.
Above all, don’t become so obsessed with remembering the name that you fail to participate in the conversation. If you do forget, don’t panic – you can generally negotiate your way through a conversation without naming names, and you can always find out later. If you have a partner, you could arrange a secret signal whereby they come over and introduce themselves to the person whose name you’ve forgotten, which may well elicit a reciprocal self-introduction so that the elusive name is revealed before you compromise yourself. If all else fails, a charming and self-deprecating “I’m so sorry, I’m terrible at remembering names, I always do this…” should dig you out of the hole.
You know how difficult it is to remember names, so do not be offended when people cannot get your name into their head, just repeat it patiently, and try not to take the memory lapse personally. However, if a person blanks you several times at successive gatherings, then it is rude of them, unless they have a genuine problem. Try your hardest not to do the same to others.
If someone gets your name wrong, correct them as soon as possible, enunciating clearly and firmly but politely, so there is no mistake. It can be very embarrassing for both parties if such errors persist.
“The bridegroom elect has on the eve of matrimony no little business to transact… It is the gentleman’s business to buy the ring; and let him take special care not to forget it; for such an awkward mistake has frequently happened. The ring should be, we need scarcely say, of the very purest gold, but substantial. First, that it may not break – a source of great trouble to the young wife; secondly, that it may not slip off the finger without being missed – few husbands being pleased to hear that their wives have lost their wedding rings; and, thirdly, that it may last out the lifetime of the loving recipient, even should that life be protracted to the extreme extent…Having bought the ring, the bridegroom should now put it into his waistcoat pocket, there to remain until he puts on his wedding vest on the morning of the marriage; to the left-hand pocket of which he must then carefully transfer it, and not part with it until he takes it out in the church during the wedding ceremony.”
Routledge’s Manual of Etiquette, 1860
The bridegroom’s responsibility for purchasing the ring, and the terrible embarrassment that he might suffer if he forgot it or dropped it, was a source of anxiety that dated well back to the Victorian era. In Victorian times, the bridegroom took charge of the ring on the wedding day, and it was the best man’s duty merely to ensure that the groom had the ring safely stowed in his pocket; he was not responsible for carrying the ring himself.
Before the big day the ring (or rings) must be selected and purchased. While the Victorian bridegroom described above was solely responsible for choosing and purchasing the ring, with all the worry about procuring the correct size that this errand entailed, these days most couples will purchase wedding rings together. They represent a considerable outlay, and a joint decision is therefore vital.
For brides it is essential to choose a wedding band that complements the engagement ring – the two rings will be worn on the same finger, so they must look good together and fit comfortably.
There are three ring shapes to choose from: D (curved edge), flat (straight edge) and court (tapered edge).
The engagement ring and wedding band should be made of the same metal, otherwise over time the stronger metal will wear away the weaker one. The most popular metals for wedding bands are: gold (which comes in a range of shades, tones and carats); white gold (which may need to be re-plated every ten years); platinum (an expensive option that will never need to be replated); titanium (durable yet lightweight). Those who prefer to wear silver jewellery should consider white gold or platinum.
In terms of style the general rule for both men and women is the wider the hand, the thicker the band should be.
The perfect fit will incorporate a small amount of leeway for swelling (allow enough space for a cocktail stick to slide in and out easily).
An engraved message or date inside the band adds a bespoke touch.
It was not traditionally customary for men to wear wedding rings; this changed during the Second World War when soldiers began to wear wedding bands as a reminder of their home and their wives. These days, it is an increasingly accepted practice, though by no means compulsory. Many couples see the rings as symbolic of their love and equality; some men simply do not like to wear jewellery. This is something the couple must discuss beforehand, and they must agree as far as possible to accommodate each other’s wishes.
The giving of the ring/s generally takes place immediately after the exchange of wedding vows in both religious and civil wedding ceremonies. Nowadays it is conventional for the ring to be the responsibility of the best man, and if the couple is exchanging rings, he can look after both. There is no hard and fast rule, however, and other members of the wedding party can be enlisted to hold the rings until the vital moment – for example the maid of honour, chief bridesmaid or mother of the bride.
For brides who already have engagement rings, it is traditional for the wedding band to sit underneath the engagement ring. Some brides therefore choose not to wear the engagement ring on their wedding day, giving the wedding band precedence. Alternatively, they simply temporarily swap the engagement ring to the right hand and move it to its proper place once the ceremony is concluded. It is also perfectly fine to leave the engagement ring on the correct finger and allow the wedding band to be slipped above it – the two rings can always be swapped later.
Many people have no desire to carry on wearing a ring after a marriage has imploded. Unlike engagement rings, wedding rings are not treated as outright gifts, so you may want to consider the following options:
Give the ring back to your ex-partner. At least it won’t lurk in your dressing table drawer reminding you of an unhappy chapter in your life. If the ring is a cherished family heirloom, you should certainly give it back to your ex-partner.
Save the ring for your child. It may seem to be a symbol of failure for you, but for your child it represents family bonds, and they may not want to see it lightly abandoned.
Alternatively, you can recycle the ring and have it incorporated into a new piece of jewellery or reappropriate the ring. It is perfectly acceptable to wear your wedding ring on a different finger, or on a different hand.
Autocorrect technology owes its origins to the word processing programmes that evolved in the 1980s, when language was checked against a dictionary to make sure the spelling was correct.
Today, users of word-processing programmes have all become accustomed to the wavy red lines that alert us to misspelt words, and we are increasingly dependent on the computer to monitor our grammar and spelling. A study in 2012 revealed that two-thirds of adults in Britain could not spell ‘necessary’ and one third ‘definitely’ without using the spell-check feature.
While these handy resources may have been detrimental to our spelling abilities, making us lazy and dependent, most spell-checker facilities will alert us to misspelt words or ungrammatical writing and will offer us alternative suggestions, which we then must opt to use. It has been argued that this process is a form of education, which alerts us to our writing errors and may encourage us to learn from our mistakes. Spell-checkers are something of a blunt instrument; assessing words and phrases with no contextualisation inevitably leads to mix-ups. No system is perfect, and we have all learnt the hard way that documents need to be carefully proofread before they are sent out.
The autocorrect feature on our smartphones is much more problematic. This predictive technology dates to the 1990s and, in the smartphone era, has become increasingly sophisticated. The language model on phones automatically suggests words and phrases when the user starts to type, based on algorithms that analyse how people use language. To remain effective, auto-correct programmes must continuously update, relying on internet data from consumers to harvest the latest vocabulary trends.
As texting has become the default method of communication for many people, autocorrect has become a major feature in all our lives. Our priority, in all our communications, appears to be speed and convenience and predictive technology undoubtedly makes texting faster. It is particularly useful when it comes to using apostrophes when contracting words (that’s, it’s, we’ll, you’ve etc) which, if autocorrect is off, requires the user to switch keyboard views to access punctuation, a frustrating process that slows down even the fastest texter and is liable to lead to the total abandonment of proper punctuation.
But any smartphone-user will be horribly familiar with the myriad mistakes that autocorrect can make. These range from the frustrating (“I hope you’re we’ll”) to the disconcerting (“I’m sure our mating (meeting) will be very productive”). These errors are blindingly obvious, but our texts are frequently riddled with them because we are rushed, careless and overly trusting of technology, and we send autocorrected texts without checking them first.
Many autocorrect errors are bizarre and surreal, rendering our texts meaningless and often requiring a follow-up text explaining the autocorrect mis-function and apologising for the confusion – hardly a time-saving process. But in some cases, the autocorrect errors are genuinely offensive and liable to distress or offend the recipient and require more abject apologies.
There is, of course, one simple way of avoiding all these pitfalls, which is to read your texts carefully before pressing ‘send’. This means sacrificing a few seconds of instantaneous communication, but a tiny delay will ensure that your texts are lucid and unambiguous. This is particularly important when you are texting work colleagues or clients – silly errors will make you look slapdash and negligent, which will hardly enhance your professional reputation.
While we have all come to accept that, much of the time, text messages are abbreviated and colloquial, they are a highly effective means of communication, and their primary function should never be impeded by laughable or embarrassing errors.
They were everything to you once, and – if you’re lucky – they will still be central to your life. But there’s no doubt that one of the more painful aspects of growing up is disentangling yourself from your parents in order to be able to strike out on your own.
Adolescence aside (a period where feelings run amok and rejection is in the air), you want to strike a balance between respect for your parents and their way of doing things and recasting yourself an independent human being. This delicate balance is hard to maintain, and inevitably there will be times when parents get on your nerves, interfere excessively in your life, and make their disapproval palpable. Similarly, there will be times when your parents find you cold, confrontational and relentlessly self-interested.
There are many ways in which you can improve your relationship with your parents and vice versa. Being aware that your parents are separate human beings, with their own problems and priorities, refusing to take them for granted and treating them with civility will all go a long way towards constructing a satisfying adult relationship:
• Put the casual grumpiness of adolescence behind you and always treat your parents with courtesy and respect. Good manners, consideration and gratitude will reassure your parents that you are not taking them for granted.
• When you go back to your parents’ house, remember that it is no longer your home, and don’t treat it as such. This means tidying up, helping with the washing up and other chores, and asking permission to use the washing machine, switch on the television, help yourself to food from the fridge.
• Don’t treat the parental home as somewhere to go for a bout of pampering. While many parents would be happy to look after you during a period of genuine convalescence, just being completely exhausted because of an over-active social life and demanding job isn’t a good enough reason to expect them to be at your beck and call.
• Turn the tables and show some interest in your parents. Ask them questions about their past, their friendships, jobs, holidays and so on. Try and see them as people with their own stories to tell, not just part of the background furniture.
• Wherever possible, involve your parents in your life. Tell them about your friends, and from time to time incorporate your parents into your social life. Send them photos or emails, or communicate with them via social media, or set up a family WhatsApp group. Even if you live a long way away, don’t make them feel that you’ve distance has obliterated them from your life – you can always organise a regular video call to reassure them that all is well.
• Keep in touch. Establish a regular pattern of emails, phone calls, meetings etc. and keep to it. There’s no rule about how often you should be in contact with your parents, but – whatever the pattern – you should stick to it.
• From time to time your parents may disapprove of your choices – of partner, job, house, pet, children’s names etc. etc. Disapproval, especially if is vocally expressed, can be very hard to tolerate. Try not to fly off the handle and instead accept that your parents have a unique relationship with you, which may make them feel entitled to articulate their feelings. Keep calm and consider their objections rationally. It’s very likely that you won’t agree, in which case you should state firmly and politely that this is your own choice, and you feel strongly that decisions about running your own life are nobody else’s business.
• Admit your own mistakes. This is very difficult to do, but remember you have a lifetime with your parents, and it’s good to clear the air from time to time. Owning up to your errors will also pre-empt any tendency to indulge in ‘I told you so…’ gloating.
• If you’re ready to listen, try eliciting your parents’ opinion. It will demonstrate that you respect them and there’s every chance that some of their advice will be invaluable – growing up and becoming independent doesn’t necessarily mean rejecting their good counsel.
• Your parents are vulnerable too. As you grow older the tables may turn, and you might find yourself in the situation where you’re looking after them, and they can no longer look after you. Adjust your image of your parents as they get older – don’t persist in seeing them as the invulnerable titans of childhood. Accept that age will bring frailty and uncertainty and recognise the changes that maturity will bring.
• Compliment your parents. They have showered love and affection on you (if you’re lucky), but they need to hear good things about themselves, especially as they get older. So, give them some positive feedback. Compliments on more trivial things, such as their appearance, garden or cooking, will make them feel like ‘real’ people in your eyes. More profound gratitude – for sacrifices made, money spent, support given – will make it all seem worthwhile.
Debrett's, the renowned authority on modern etiquette, has partnered with Poly, a global provider of pro-grade audio and video solutions, to create a guide for global etiquette in the hybrid workplace.
The guide offers updated advice for the hybrid work era at a time when etiquette in the office – whether at home or at work – has never been more important.
Read it here:
The most effective table manners are the ones that will never get you noticed, or cause dismay or consternation in your fellow diners. If you sit up straight, chew with your mouth closed, serve other diners, resist bolting your food and manage to talk civilly to your neighbour as well as eating, you will certainly pass muster. The main aim is not to look greedy or voracious, and any small errors in relation to the more arcane rules of cutlery-wielding, salt-shaking, bread-buttering, and fingerbowl-dipping will be overlooked because your demeanour is civilised and courteous.
Follow these general guidelines and you will ensure that your table manners never fall short or let you down.
• Sit up straight
When taking a seat at the table, sit a comfortable distance away, so that with the elbows bent the hands are level with the knives and forks. Do not tilt the chair or hunch forward over the plate. Sit up straight, sit square with hands in the lap and do not fidget. Do not put elbows on the table.
• Assist fellow diners
Make sure others have been offered anything they might want from the table, such as butter, water, salt or pepper. Help yourself last and never stretch across people. When things are out of reach or have not been passed along, ask a neighbour if they are going to have whatever it is, as a hint, or simply ask them to pass it.
• Serve with civility
Use the serving spoons and forks, not your own cutlery, to take food from a communal dish. If a spoon and fork or two spoons are provided, hold one in each hand, not in just one hand like a waiter. Use any spoons or ladles for sauces, rather than tipping from the gravy boat or jug. Salt is put on the side of the plate rather than sprinkled over the food, even if served from a grinder.
• Starter’s orders
Generally, do not start before everyone has been served, so look around and take a lead from others. An exception may be if it is a large party and the host asks people to start, as the food may get cold. Those who cannot tolerate very hot food should still pick up the spoon or knife and fork and look as if they are starting at the same time; this will ensure that their neighbours do not feel obliged to wait as well.
• Eat and talk
Never eat with your mouth open or talk with your mouth full. It is fine, however, to carry on eating during a conversation. This can be awkward if one person does not pick up their knife and fork out of mistaken courtesy, while the other person is talking. It is not rude just to nod, for example, or to wait a few moments for someone to finish a mouthful. Working out how to eat and talk is part of good table manners and an essential social skill. It is, however, impolite to continue eating during speeches or if there is a performance, such as singing.
• Pace yourself
Chewing food thoroughly, keeping the mouth closed as you do so, slows things down to a more civilised pace when eating with others. However, while bolting food is ill-mannered, so is making a production out of endless mastication or chewing in an exaggerated manner. The best table manners are always those that no one notices.
• Spitting out
When encountering an unexpected piece of gristle, or something that may be chewed to no avail, it is polite to be brave and to try to swallow it. If it is something which would be unsafe to eat rather than just unappetising, then cover the mouth with the hand, and quickly and discreetly put the offending item on the side of the plate.
• Noises off
Try to avoid making noises of any kind while eating, either with implements against the plate or teeth, or with the actual ingestion of the food, such as slurping soup. Avoid washing mouthfuls of food down with noisy gulps of water. It is best to leave a gap between eating and drinking and take small mouthfuls or sips of water or wine.
• Don’t double-dip
There are foods where dipping is part of the way of eating the food, such as satay or crudités. For most food, however, dipping into any communal bowl – say of mayonnaise – is not recommended. In the case of crudités with a communal dip, never bite the vegetable and then re-dip.
• Don’t mop up
It is very tempting to mop up sauce, or the last few mouthfuls of soup, with bread, but it should be resisted. Consume only what can be eaten easily with a fork or spoon.
• Behave discreetly
Express appreciation when the food first arrives but do so politely. Gestures such as rubbing the stomach or smacking the lips are inappropriate and look greedy. Similarly, when refusing a second portion, avoid big gestures and decline politely: a simple ‘no thank you’ covers most situations. There’s no need to say “I’m full” – if you want to soften your refusal a compliment such as “that was delicious” will go a long way.
Nicknames have a long and distinguished history in Britain. For example, the Prince Regent was called ‘Prinny’ and the Duke of Wellington ‘Nosey’. They are still popular amongst the aristocracy, while public schools and the armed forces are still bastions of the nickname.
Nicknames are, first and foremost, a sign of group solidarity. They can be common currency amongst a group of friends (perhaps becoming more widely used if the person concerned is a celebrity) and using them is an effective way of asserting membership within a clique.
For many people nicknames are a sign of affection and intimacy. They may be humorous or teasing, but above all they indicate that you know someone well and like them. Some people acquire nicknames in childhood, which they carry happily into adult life.
Positive nicknames may well play with the person’s real name; men often have nicknames based on their last name, such as ‘Smithy’, a legacy of the public school tendency to refer to pupils by their surnames. Or they may affectionately highlight a person’s personality attribute (‘Sunny’ for the relentless optimist, ‘Eeyore’ for the comically gloomy).
Sometimes nicknames can be sarcastic, insulting or alarming and are wielded as instruments of aggression. The ruthless mobster Al Capone was ominously dubbed ‘scarface’. Nobody would argue that calling someone who is obese ‘porky’ is complimentary.
If you have been saddled with a nickname that you really don’t like, then you must tell other people that you would prefer to be addressed by your given name. If you do so politely, most people will respect your wishes. If they forget and lapse into old habits, it’s fine to gently remind them. After all, your name is intrinsic to your identity, and you should therefore have some degree of control over what you are called.
Given that nicknames – positive or negative – come from a position of familiarity you should tread carefully when you are introduced to someone by their nickname. If in doubt, ask the person if they are always called by their nickname, or whether they would prefer you to use their forename.
If you are the person with the nickname and your friends blithely use it when introducing you to strangers, it is helpful if you give a brief explanation of why you have the nickname. If you are happy for it to be used (after all, some people prefer their nicknames to their real name), then of course you can say so: “My real name is Victoria, but everyone calls me Queenie”. If you really don’t want your nickname to be bandied about to all and sundry, now is the time to interject with a swift plea: “Spike is my nickname, but I prefer to be called “Michael”.
Many of us don’t have a nickname that highlights a personality trait or physical characteristic, but we do shorten our forename. The list of shortened English names is compendious and ever-growing. Many people prefer a shortened, monosyllabic version of their name, which they feel comes across as direct and dynamic. Alternatively, they may opt for a name that is not strictly an abbreviation, but is derived from their forename (Beth, Nell, Ned, Dottie). Or they may opt for a unisex version of their name (Billie, Frankie, Charlie, Georgie). Try to notice how people refer to themselves and be cautious about how they are introduced by their friends – they may well loathe the way their name has been mangled and be desperate to return to their original given name. Once again, if there is any ambiguity, it is polite to ask the person what they prefer to be called.
If you have a name that is invariably shortened (Alexandra, Margaret, Harrison, Theodore) you will probably need to take control of the narrative. You may need to politely intervene when you first meet people: “Everybody calls me Theo, but I really prefer Theodore”. Or, if you prefer a shortened form, you should say so: “I know Alexandra is a bit of a mouthful, so please call me Alex.”
Be wary of nicknames in a professional context. Sometimes names are derived from a person’s age or physical characteristics and, even if they are meant affectionately, they can easily be interpreted as discriminatory. You might find it amusing to call an older colleague ‘Gramps’; he or she might find the nickname ageist and take offence. Remember that nicknames related to age, gender, sexuality and race may all fall foul of the Equality Act of 2010 and dismissing criticism of them with an airy “it’s just office banter” really isn’t good enough.
Finally, respect social and professional boundaries. Your friend or sibling might be perfectly happy for you to call them by a childhood nickname but will feel mortified if you start referring to them as ‘Bunny’ or ‘Squishy’ in a professional context. Sometimes nicknames really shouldn’t stray out of the confines of family, partnership or friendship circles. Many of us present different faces to the world and if we choose to do so, our wishes should be respected.
The immediate kneejerk response to most criticism is to reject it. Even if the criticism is totally unjustified, however, and your indignation is entirely understandable, you should not lose your temper. If you wish to set out to prove that you are being misjudged, then you will need a cool head and calm nerves. An intemperate reaction will do little to establish yourself as the kind of person who never puts a foot wrong.
None of us likes having our faults or mistakes listed, but none of us is perfect and we all do have faults and make mistakes. If the criticism is justified, then you must accept it with as good grace as possible. This is, of course, easier said than done. It is all too easy to react emotionally to criticism, to exaggerate and distort what has been said. For example, you may have submitted a project report at work and been told that you’d failed to supply any clear recommendations. Instead of focusing on the actual, constructive, remarks you fly off the handle, interpreting the criticism as a sweeping statement of lack of confidence in your abilities. This is a prime example of how, if you allow emotions to take over, you can easily become swept up in a maelstrom of negativity, which renders you blind to the actual truth of what has been said.
That said, you are entitled to assess the criticism as objectively as possible and consider that it is unjustified. Sometimes people dole out criticism simply because they are coming up against a different world view, a different set of priorities or a different way of doing things. They react to that perceived difference by criticising, but this is an emotional response, not an objective critique. If you are the recipient of this type of criticism, it is entirely appropriate to point this out: “I know this is not the way you would approach the problem, but I think you’ll find my results are just as reliable – it’s just our methodologies that differ.”
You might also consider that a critical remark does not always come from a helpful point of view. Sometimes people wield criticism as a way of asserting themselves, of eliminating the competition, or asserting their superiority. They are using criticism as an instrument in their own power struggle, and their remarks say more about their ambition or ruthless self-assertiveness than your failings. If you feel you are on the receiving end of this sort of criticism, rise above it with a display of flawless civility and exaggerated gratitude – they might even have the grace to feel embarrassed.
Consider the context of the criticism – a comments thread at the end of an online post is hardly the place where you are going to find nuanced and considered critiques; insulting remarks and crude negativity in this sort of forum is an unfortunate epidemic, which should be taken with a pinch of salt. Anyone who offers anonymous criticism is not worthy of notice, and their online comments may well be about self-promotion or troublemaking, rather than constructive feedback. Similarly, if the criticism is made in an unfair way (perhaps when you are unable to answer back or offer any defence), or at the wrong time, or in front of the wrong people, then you may rightly point this out.
If, on the other hand, criticism is handed you by someone you respect or admire, then you must listen carefully and take stock. That means thoroughly addressing all the points that have been made – don’t just cherry-pick the remarks that you find acceptable, which will come across as evasive. If you can’t remedy the situation without the help of others, then you must ask for that help. If the solution lies entirely in your hands, then you should acknowledge this and take the necessary steps. If there is no solution to the problem, then you must explain the situation and ask for understanding and tolerance.
Turn the negative experience of being criticised into something positive. See it as a useful opportunity to improve, or to identify and eliminate bad habits. Restrain the hurt inner child who hates being criticised and try and cut through your own feelings of dismay and dejection. Remind yourself that it is simply your actions that are being criticised, not your entire persona. Set yourself the task of graciously thanking the critic for their insights and recommendations. Other people may well observe your cordial behaviour and you will gain kudos and admiration for being resilient and positive. Acknowledge the validity of the critique, then embark on a simple course of action: rectifying what you have got wrong and doing better.
