In a world where many of us are swamped by digital communications, a tendency to simply not reply is becoming more normal. When it comes to requests or invitations, non-replies are now seen as a way of saying no, albeit a very rude one. Ghosting other people, greeting their every communication with a resounding, and paranoia-inducing silence, has become the default for many people. What is to be done?
The first defence of the most inveterate non-repliers is to plead digital overwhelm. As the number of channels for communicating multiply, many of us are juggling several different communication methods, which may also be divided into work and social options: email, text, WhatsApp, Slack, LinkedIn, various forms of social media – the list goes on. It is not surprising that our phones or computers can feel inundated with requests, demands and invitations.
People respond to this battery in very different ways. At one end of the spectrum are the organised individuals who feel affronted and alarmed by the endless red notifications on their menu bar and who deal with these emotions by making it a point of principle to reply to everything as soon as humanly possible. Of course, the rush to reply might in itself be dangerous, leading to impetuous decisions, over-commitment and badly thought-out responses. Sometimes allocating a little time for careful deliberation is the best policy.
At the other end of the spectrum are the avoiders and procrastinators. They see the incoming messages, register what is being asked of them, and decide to ‘think about it’ and reply later. Inevitably, these deferred emails, texts etc are instantly superseded by a whole new wave of incoming messages and frequently forgotten – hence the deafening silence.
Somewhere in the middle of the spectrum are the people who prioritise. They recognise that not all incoming messages are equal: some can instantly be deleted and ignored; some can be answered easily and immediately and got out of the way; some require more careful deliberation. The trick is keeping track of the latter category. These people are rarely the recipients of ‘follow up’ messages of the ‘I was wondering if you’d had a chance to think about my suggestion….’ variety. When you find yourself receiving lots of these messages it is a sure sign that you are turning into a problem.
Much of this behaviour may be caused by some people’s fear of commitment. A simple invitation or request might throw them into an agony of indecision as they weigh the pros and cons, inevitably leading them to defer the decision.
The inability to refuse is also a major stumbling block for non-repliers. They are asked to do something or attend a social event and their instinct is that they do not want to comply. But they cannot think of a way of politely framing a negative response, so they park the whole problem until a ‘later date’, which often never materialises.
It could be argued that non-replying is a way of asserting control. The inveterate non-replier does not want to be at other people’s beck and call, and obligingly answering their messages promptly feels too much like acquiescing with their timetable.
Instead, non-repliers convince themselves that they are controlling their own narrative. They do not want to embark on a spontaneous exchange or feel pressurised or coerced by other people. This is frequently a response to feeling anxious and overwhelmed, and if you’re prone to this reaction, it’s a good idea to examine the underlying reasons and think about how your non-response will look to the other person, who may feel frustrated or exasperated by your silence.
Worst of all are the non-responders who, crippled by their inability to come up with a definitive response, or unable to come up with a polite refusal or let-down, simply delete the emails and hope the whole problem will go away. This is tantamount to hiding behind the curtains when someone comes knocking at your door. They may well suspect that you’re there and your unwillingness to engage with them is infantile and insulting.
If you’re prone to ghosting, you will inevitably find yourself locked in a tedious cycle of making excuses and apologising if you do eventually reply. Every response you send out will be prefaced by a litany of excuses (work pressure, social pressure, family complications, illness, other people’s unavailability and so on). This gets irksome and the more you repeat your excuses the less convincing they will become.
Lurking behind the barrage of excuses is often the very real suspicion that you have simply forgotten to respond, or are unwilling to do so, and nobody wants to feel overlooked or forgotten.
Everybody loves a reply and there is a lot to be said for ‘holding’ messages. This means sending out an acknowledgement, which indicates that you have received and read the incoming message. You can also assure the sender that you will get back to them shortly, in due course, later in the day, and so on.
The important thing here is that you don’t consign this undertaking to oblivion, deluding yourself that you have dealt with it, when in fact you have deferred your response. You will need to find a way of recording any commitments you have made – perhaps noting down the responses you need to make in your diary or digital planner. If you do make good on your promise to respond in due course, the holding message is an excellent device: it makes the sender feel heard and respected and reassures them that a response will be forthcoming.
It is to be hoped that you will dispatch simple replies as soon as you possibly can – it would be foolish to go through the palaver of postponing a simple ‘yes’, ‘no’ or thank you’ response until a later date. So, if you are going to use the holding response, you will need to prioritise messages that need further thought, consultation with other people, or research. The sender will understand the reasons for your delaying tactics but will be gratified by your polite response. Most important of all, they will not feel ghosted or ignored.
Society is becoming increasingly less formal and, for many of us, weddings may well be the most formal events that we will ever attend, although this is not inevitably so, as weddings are also changing and becoming less traditional and bound by convention.
For these reasons, if or when we do receive a stiff, copperplate-engraved invitation to a formal event, it can cause consternation and social anxiety. Events that still follow traditional protocols are generally official, often hosted by an organisation such as a livery company, charity, corporation or business. These events will follow set conventions, including elements of protocol and precedence not usually required at purely social events. Forewarned is forearmed, so we have set down the guidelines for basic guest etiquette – follow these recommendations and you need have no fear of transgressing.
If the invitation specifies ‘and partner’ then the name of the person must be given to the host beforehand, when replying to the invitation. Guests should not bring an unauthorised plus one.
Times of arrival on formal invitations are strictly observed. If a formal invitation says reception 7.30, dinner 8.15, then it is best to arrive at, or very shortly after, the time given. In the case of a genuine delay get a message to the organiser, especially when it is a seated dinner. If it is a stand-up reception, guests don’t need to worry about notifying the organiser but should slip in unobtrusively.
These will be stated clearly on the invitation and should be adhered to. If the most traditional codes (white tie, black tie) are not specified, then err on the side of formality – suits and ties for the men, cocktail or tailored dresses or smart trouser suits for the women.
When there is a formal receiving line a guest may be asked to give their name to an announcer. In this case, always give your full name and title, including ‘Mr’, ‘Mrs’, ‘Miss’ or ‘Ms’. If you have a professional title (eg Dr, Professor), you might choose to use it. Titles do not include prefixes such as ‘The Hon’ or suffixes such as ‘Bt’ or ‘MP’. See the following examples for guidance:
•The Duke of Mayfair; the Earl and Countess of Aldford (peers should give their exact rank)
•Professor James Hill and Mrs Emily Hill; Mr John Adam and Dr Jane Adam
•Mr Richard Masters and Ms Charlotte Lesser
•The traditional form for married couples is as follows: ‘Mr and Mrs John Debrett’. If you prefer, you can opt for ‘Mr John and Mrs Jane Debrett’.
Speak clearly when asked for your name to avoid embarrassing mix-ups and errors. When your name is announced, move forward promptly and greet your hosts briefly (a polite “how do you do?”) is usually sufficient. Don’t get bogged down in elaborate courtesies or small talk – it is important for hosts that the receiving line keeps moving.
If a guest has an allergy or is vegetarian or vegan it is their responsibility to notify the hosts beforehand. If you have not done so, or if there is a mix-up on the night, the polite option is to grin and bear it and not to make a fuss. Don’t take food you cannot eat and leave it, untouched, on your plate; a polite refusal is always preferable. In this context, asking for special drinks or cross-examining harassed waiting staff about ingredients is bad manners.
The usual procedure is to have a drinks reception and then be shown through to a table, where you will be placed according to a seating plan. There might be a grace before the meal, in which case guests should stand with heads slightly bowed. If there are speeches before dinner, these are usually delivered after grace and once all the guests are seated.
Once you are served your food, pause briefly before starting to eat – don’t immediately fall on your food. However, it is not necessary to wait for everyone to be served before starting. Fast eaters may need to slow down to allow time for others to be served at a large gathering. Slow eaters should also be aware of others and not delay the staff.
At the end of the dinner there may be a toast, for which the guests will stand. There may be a grace, followed by speeches.
Certain institutions, such as Oxbridge colleges, have a table, usually literally raised on some kind of dais, a reminder of ancient customs and the banqueting halls of the Middle Ages. It is usual for those seated on the ordinary tables to be shown to their seats first and then for those at the high table to come into the room. Those at the ordinary tables will stand to greet them.
Certain institutions have particular traditions, such as greeting guests of honour with a slow handclap. Guests will almost certainly have had this explained to then, but if not then take a cue from others rather than being the first to make a move.
Many formal invitations will include the wording ‘Carriages at xx o’clock’ or state the time the event finishes. As with arrivals, these guidelines are normally closely followed. If a guest knows they will have to leave early, they should notify the organiser. Otherwise, it is best to slip away discreetly.
At the end of the event the host or organiser may place themselves in a position near the door for leave-taking, in which case guests should say goodbye and thank you. If the host is not in evidence, or has been caught up talking to another guest, it is quite acceptable to slip away without announcing your departure.
Guests should send a prompt formal thank-you letter (ie handwritten in ink), to the main host or organiser whose name was on the invitation. If the invitation has come to the guest through another individual, who was not the main host, for example a member of an organisation, then that person should be thanked.
If the event in question was a charity fundraiser, for which the guest has bought a table, or brought guests, then they need not thank the host by letter (unless they want to congratulate them on an exceptional event). The chair of the charity (or one of the organising committee members) should, however, write to thank everyone who has taken a table or supported the event, with a report about the sum raised, and a brief explanation, such as: ‘It will go towards the MRI scanner’.
We live in a world of online communications, where mistakes are magnified, and we need to take care. Our phones and computers give us the opportunity to write texts, emails, messages or posts without much deliberation or forethought and spontaneously press ‘send’. The deed is done, and the tangible results are out there for all to see. An embarrassing faux-pas is witnessed by a potentially large (and expanding) number of followers and it cannot be deleted.
It is vital that we remind ourselves that the internet might appear to be about instantaneous communication, fleeting stories and fast-paced interactions. All this is true, but it is also true that everything is retained. We cannot undo our communications, and we cannot control how other people choose to handle them (screenshots, copy and pasting, forwarding, re-posting). The minute we press that seductive send button, our message is outside our control. And we all know that a diligent researcher can unearth our more embarrassing or offensive posts or indiscreet photographs with disastrous consequences.
None of this information comes as a surprise to anybody, but we are still remarkably casual about how we handle the digital world. Intellectually we know that our modest message in a bottle could go viral (or at least reach many people), but we never seem to be able to fully discard the illusion that we are simply communicating with our own inner circle of like-minded friends, associates or colleagues, with potentially harmful consequences.
It is essential that we take care online. We have put together the following guidelines, which also addresses the aftermath of a careless mistake:
•Spell and Sense Check
We’ve all become transfixed by our own speediness and ability to multi-task; we type while we talk or walk, we fire off texts with impressive keyboard dexterity. But inevitably we make mistakes, and spell-checkers are not reliable safety nets. In fact, they quite often substitute their own quirky (and baffling) alternatives for misspelt or less commonly used words, with predictably confusing, and frustrating, results.
Try and get into the habit of pausing after you’ve dashed off a digital missive, and carefully reading what you’ve written. It will cost you a few seconds but save you an ocean of embarrassment.
•Language check
It’s not just about the spelling and grammar, you also need to think about the tone and sense of what you’ve written. Humour is particularly precarious territory – your sarcastic wind-ups might cause an amused titter amongst your friends, and fire up real feelings of outrage amongst people who don’t know you as well. Irony is hard to convey in short texts or posts and subtle emotions often get lost in translation.
Beware the regrettable tendency to use capital letters, exclamation marks and strings of emojis for emphasis. The texts come across as needlessly hectoring and aggressive and, because they deploy non-subtle language tools, people will also find them infantile.
•Recipient Check
Our technology, with its helpful ability to record names and contact details on all our devices, can sometimes work against us. If you are doing your texting and emailing at a headlong, heedless pace, you may well find yourself adding the wrong recipient to email chain or inviting an unintended guest to your group chat. Most of the time this is merely embarrassing, but we’ve all seen the dire consequences of these basic errors, sometimes amongst high-ranking individuals in top government chat groups, so it really does pay to take the time to check.
If you send an email or text to the wrong recipient, immediately contact them, apologise and correct the error. With any luck, your mistake won’t be too embarrassing, but if you’ve really blundered, you might need to eat humble pie.
•Thread Check
This is a pitfall that is particularly common when forwarding emails. A whole thread is sent on, and buried deep in the communications, there is some sensitive information, or an insulting remark, or some intelligence that is not for general consumption. It is very easy to just focus on the most recent email when pressing the ‘Forward’ button, and overlook the long history that inevitably comes with it, but all those previous communications are potentially incriminating, so it pays to be extra-vigilant.
•Impact on other people check
This is a posting pitfall, and it involves thinking carefully before posting and assessing if anyone is going to suffer because of your post. It could be a photograph where a friend or associate is clearly visible, and tagged, in an embarrassing situation. It could be gossip that might find its way to the wrong person, or you might be breaching confidentiality, or spilling the beans about someone else’s secrets without really meaning to. Think through the consequences, both to you and other people, of everthing you post.
•Apologise to everyone, promptly
When it all goes wrong, it is essential that you apologise as soon as possible. If you’ve posted something that has gone viral for all the wrong reasons, immediately refute it with a public apology. If your slapdash behaviour online has had an impact on just one person, write them a personal, and heartfelt, note of apology. Do not let the offence linger, unaddressed and festering, in the digital space.
•Take full responsibility
Part of apologising effectively is taking full responsibility for your error. You will need to give an explanation for your mistake, even if it is simply admitting that you have been unforgivably careless. Don’t make excuses (stress, deadlines, distractions etc) – they really won’t mitigate the offence. Don’t blame other people or plead ignorance; the fact is we’re all personally responsible for what we say online, and we should only put ourselves out there if we’ve got something to say and are willing take responsibility for saying it.
•Don’t go into attack mode
Never attack the people who are pillorying or criticising you for your mistake. It is a very common defensive posture to meet criticism with head-on aggression, but this will only compound the mistake and make people feel even more angry with you.
•Know when to move on
Don’t get dragged into endless chats about your online shortcomings. As long as you have acknowledged your mistake and apologised for it, you have done the best you can, and we all have to understand that mistakes, however regrettable, will be made. Getting caught up in endless post-mortems is only going to keep the offence alive, so do your best to draw a line under it – this might mean withdrawing from the online world for a spell, or moderating your input into group chats and forums, which will allow the dust to settle.
Greeting Card Association data reveals that the British spend significantly more on greetings cards than any other nation, a total of over £1.5 billion per annum, with 94 per cent of the population buying into the sector. Despite the advance of digital communications, greetings cards are still big business in the UK.
Clearly, we still value tangible objects over transitory digital greetings. E-cards are a compromise, and some of them are very ingenious, incorporating clever animation, but recipients will never quite shake off the feeling that they have been sent as a last-minute gesture (perhaps the vital posting date was forgotten) and may also have been deployed to avoid rising postal costs.
Physical cards are demonstrable proof that an effort has been made – from selecting the card to writing the message, finding the address, buying the stamp and posting it. They are also objects that can be displayed on a windowsill or mantlepiece, prolonging the pleasure they give, and can even be retained as a keepsake.
Given that we all appear to be supportive of the notion of greetings cards, we should also be aware of the following considerations:
Greeting cards are an excellent gesture on many occasions, but there are times when they are used as a lazy shorthand to convey complex messages.
If, for example, you are sending condolences following a bereavement, it is tempting to grab a ‘With Sympathy’ card off the rack. But this generic message, while it is certainly better than nothing, will be nowhere near as memorable as a handwritten letter of condolence, in which you talk about the deceased, share some memories, or mention ways in which they had an impact on your own life. In these circumstances, a card is a short cut, and a letter would always be preferable.
If you are sending the card as a thank you, for greetings or hospitality, beware the temptation of allowing the generic message to do the heavy lifting. It is fine to send a card, but only if you are prepared to write a short note of thanks inside – this should always incorporate a specific comment about the gift or hospitality, for example a reference to the excellent dinner and congenial company or a short sentence about how you plan to use or enjoy the gift. Merely saying ‘thank you’ is not good enough.
There is a vast choice of cards available these days, and the act of choosing a card has hence become charged with significance. You could, of course, go for the safest option and choose a bland image of flowers or animals, or a reproduction of a much-loved, and frequently reproduced, painting, such as John Constable’s The Haywain. These cards are perfectly inoffensive, but the recipient might feel that not much attention has been paid to their individual tastes and personality.
Many people find the safest option is to choose a card that reflects some facet of the recipient’s personality or lifestyle. If they are a dog-lover or golf fanatic, for example, there are plenty of cards out there that will reflect these passions. Choosing a card that chimes with their tastes and interests introduces a gratifying level of personalisation.
If you are using your greeting card to actively engage with the recipient and make them laugh, then you might be moving into more dangerous territory. There are millions of humorous cards produced every year, and they range from the subtle to the abusive and obscene. Sending cards at the latter end of this spectrum inevitably requires careful consideration. How well do you know the recipient? Do you understand their sense of humour? Are they sensitive or easily upset? Do they come from an older, more easily shocked, generation? Is the message the card sends open to damaging misinterpretation?
The last thing we want to do is to send a poisonous missive in the post under the mistaken impression that it will cause hilarity and appreciation. As with giving presents, it is vital when selecting cards not to purchase items on the grounds that you would choose them for yourself. While you may find them amusingly provocative, spare a thought for the recipient. Tailor your choice to a careful understanding of their taste and personality.
Cards that incorporate your own artwork or photography are often even more appreciated than shop-bought alternatives. They demonstrate that you have gone to a great deal of trouble and the amount of effort you have made generally correlates with recipient satisfaction.
However, be wary about sending photographs of yourself or your family. With the exception of pictures of small children, designed to be sent to doting members of the immediate family, photographs of family groups or individuals have a tendency to look like self-promotion and – unless they are engaged in an amusing or self-mocking situation – can come across as smug and self-satisfied. After all, the card is about the recipient not the sender.
Unless you are handing over the card in person, ensure that the envelope is handwritten (avoid printed labels) and stamped. If a card has been put through an office franking machine it looks like you have taken an easy option, and the whole point of sending cards is that you have made an effort. It will be much appreciated.
If we live with other people, whether it is friends, partners or family, we are living in shared spaces and we will be all too familiar with the many hazards and pitfalls that we encounter on a daily basis when it comes to infringements of territory, lack of consideration, disregard for privacy and so on. But in general, these are people we have chosen to live with, and we have a personal relationship with them or, in the case of children, are responsible for them. We should therefore be more able to negotiate difficulties, speak out about resentments and irritations and resolve disputes.
But work is a different matter. In an office environment, or a shared workspace, we are sharing a physical space because we must, because it is an obligation of our employment. We might be lucky enough to enjoy close and harmonious relationships with all our co-workers, but in many offices, we will be working at close quarters with people we barely know, or with people that we are seeking to impress, such as managers or team leaders. In these circumstances, how we behave in the shared workspace is open to scrutiny; it not only contributes to the positivity of the working environment, but it also has an impact on our personal reputation.
Clearly, it is to everyone’s benefit – most of all your own – if your behaviour in the shared workspace is impeccable and considerate, so we have put together the following recommendations:
All shared spaces, whether they are domestic or professional, are improved by good manners. This means greeting people on arrival, exchanging a few words (eg “How are you?”, “What terrible weather!”, “Did you get stuck in that traffic jam on the way into town?” etc etc). These banal exchanges establish contact with other people and demonstrate friendliness – a simple greeting can sometimes come across as abrupt and peremptory.
If you are making yourself a tea or coffee during the day, it is always polite to ask the people sitting around you if they would like a drink. It is to be hoped, if they accept, that they will be polite enough to reciprocate on a regular basis. Certainly, if you are the lucky recipient of offers of drink, then you must ensure that you reciprocate. If you are offered a drink, remember to say “thank you” and not to just accept it as your due.
Keep people informed of your movements. If you’re going out for lunch, or running an errand, just mention it politely to your near neighbour – at least they’ll know where you are if questioned.
When it’s time to go home, don’t just slip silently away from the office. Announce your departure: say “I’m off home now – see you tomorrow!”. Saying an adequate farewell is just as important as a morning greeting, because it acknowledges the people around you.
It is important that your kitchen manners are impeccable and that you do not become the much-resented employee who always leaves a mess, and never washes up their cups or lunch dishes, or puts rubbish in the bin.
You might be a domestic horror at home, whose spouse or partner despairs of your kitchen habits (smeared worktops, dishes left unwashed in the sink, dishwasher left unemptied), but you must put all this behind you as soon as you enter a shared workplace kitchen and follow the “leave no trace” edict. If you always clear up after yourself, you will be beyond reproach.
Remember, it’s not just about washing up. It’s important that you put items such as teabags and coffee back in cupboards, milk in the fridge, and so on. The troubling thing about workplace behaviour is that all your transgressions will be scrutinised in microscopic detail and will be held against you. It is important not to give your rivals or detractors any ammunition. It would be foolish to let your bad habits in the kitchen end up besmirching your professional reputation.
Some offices provide breakout or dining areas where employees can eat their lunch, but many of us eat our lunch at our desks. Indeed, some people may feel that it is a good idea to do so, as it makes them look work-oriented and committed – unable to tear themselves away from their computer, and willing to eat a rushed and improvised lunch, in order to get back to the matter in hand.
If you are going to eat lunch at your desk, think carefully about your food choices. Strong-smelling food will pervade your neighbours’ nostrils and might be found obtrusive and offensive. So think twice before you reheat last night’s curry or devour a burger and chips from the takeaway next door. It is also worth noting that heating up strong-smelling food in the communal kitchen microwave will also permeate the office (as well as the microwave itself).
Your desk is not a dining table, so embarking on a lunch that involves several dishes and a selection of cutlery is not a good idea as it makes you look over-focused on your food and fastidious about eating. If you want to eat a proper meal, a desktop lunch is not for you.
No matter how untidy or chaotic you are at home, it is always wise to default to obsessive tidiness in a shared workspace. True, a desk that is piled high with papers, books and files might well give the impression that you are knee deep in important undertakings, but this will only work on a temporary basis, and you should ensure that your desk reverts – post work-frenzy – to an orderly state. If the chaos is a permanent state, people will begin to think that you are a person whose approach to work is disorderly and haphazard.
Make it a rule to tidy everything away at the end of the day and leave your desk looking pristine and ready for business.
If you are someone who is naturally messy, you should also be careful about impinging on other people’s workspaces or allowing your disorder to spread. Never let files or papers encroach onto other people’s desks. If your wastebasket is full to overflowing, empty it yourself.
Above all, remember that no matter how friendly your office, work is a place where you are judged and assessed. Other people will be observing you, and your general behaviour will be seen as indicative of your character, your strengths and your weaknesses. Don’t let a surly demeanour, an untidy desk or a smelly lunch scupper your professional standing.
The build-up to Mother’s Day has become increasingly intense and protracted. The card and flowers option (beloved by many mothers) is being edged out and superseded by an ever-growing range of gift ‘suggestions’, from personalised kitchenware to seriously expensive fashion items. Restaurants and pubs are going into overdrive with their Mother’s Day offerings, and it is becoming hard to escape this ‘special’ day.
In a world where sentiment is commodified and commercial offerings and slick marketing rule the roost, it is sometimes difficult to follow your own path and, more importantly, be sensitive to your mother’s preferences.
Mother’s Day offers a spectrum of possibilities, from the low-key and simple to the over-blown and mind-bendingly expensive. The question is, what is expected of you? And how can you avoid embarrassing let-downs, disappointment and resentment?
The first, and most salient, point is that Mother’s Day is not for everyone. It is a time that can be extremely painful for some of us, a reminder of loss, estrangement, and bereavement. Like many family-oriented festivals, it can highlight feelings of isolation and depression. Some companies are sensitive to this issue and are even pausing their relentless campaign of commercial promotions, to ask recipients if they want to opt out of Mother’s Day promotions.
If you are opting out because the day is painful for whatever reason, it is sensible to let the people close to you know, ensuring that you will not be bombarded with tactless reminders. Anywhere offering a Mother’s Day promotion is probably best avoided on the day itself, and if possible, gathering like-minded people, who are also ignoring the big day, will make it much less painful. An ‘alternative’ outing, such as a country walk, visit to an exhibition, or trip to the cinema, should brush away any of the cobwebs and leave you feeling much more cheerful.
Of course, if Mother’s Day has no relevance or significance to you, it will not have impinged on you in any way. But bear in mind that not everyone will be feeling equally insouciant, so be alert to friends who have suffered a loss or bereavement and be ready to offer your company or support.
The most important rule for those of us who are celebrating the day with our mothers is to observe and respect the family culture. You might have been brought up by an austere and moderate mother, who decries the commercial palaver and nostalgically recalls the home-made cards and hand-tied posies of your childhood. If this is the case, you would be wise to rein in your more extravagant impulses. Remember, the day is not all about lavish gifts; think about simply spending some quality time with your mother, eating a meal together, cooking for her, or taking her out. At the very least send her a card with a heartfelt message and make time to have a chat on the phone.
Some families leapfrog exuberantly from celebration to celebration. They have barely left behind the joys of Valentine’s Day and Shrove Tuesday and are already contemplating Mother’s Day with gleeful anticipation. If your family falls into this category, you will be aware that the bar is probably set quite high. You will need to think carefully about your gift – recalling past triumphs and disasters, both for you and your siblings, is a good place to start. Remember Mother’s Day is about treating your mother, so do not fall into the trap of buying her something that is utilitarian and functional (unless she stoutly resists all luxurious fripperies).
You will also have to think carefully, and perhaps confer closely with other members of your family, about the day itself. This will probably involve gathering as many family members as possible together, and organising a treat, outing, or special lunch. The emphasis throughout is on indulging your mother, and not making arrangements that will involve any effort or hard work on her part – descending, along with your numerous siblings, on your mother for Sunday lunch might be a convivial occasion, but it will certainly be hard work for her. If in doubt, consult your mother beforehand – not everyone wants to be taken by surprise, and some mothers will enjoy their day much more if they have input into the planning.
Some of us will find ourselves in a situation where we are organising Mother’s Day for someone who is not actually our mother. This might be our stepmother, mother-in-law, or even a mother figure, who we want to acknowledge and thank. The same considerations apply, even if you find yourself somewhat reluctantly helping your children to buy gifts for their own stepmother. Families come in many configurations, and if you’re going to acknowledge the day, you must make sure you do so properly, and do not insult these more peripheral mothers with scant regards and afterthought presents (beware garage forecourt flowers!).
This is a day when mothers really must nail their colours to the mast. Many mothers protest that they think nothing of Mother’s Day, condemning it as merely a commercial construct; yet, when gifts and treats are not forthcoming, they feel short-changed and insulted. This is not fair on your children, who have not unnaturally taken their cue from you, and are not to know that you secretly crave indulgence and recognition.
If you feel that your children are not tapping into your secret desires, one way of getting the message across is to take your partner into your confidence. They can have a subtle word in the children’s ear, chivvy them along, and ensure that the day is suitably celebratory.
If you are fortunate enough to be showered with gifts and thoroughly indulged on Mother’s Day, think carefully before deluging your friends with breathless, and possibly gloating, accounts (and photos) of your special day. Comparisons are odious and some of your fellow-mothers may be feeling disappointed or disillusioned by the whole proceeding – in these circumstances your glowing reports are somewhat tactless. It is better to keep your delight to yourself, and only to talk about it when directly questioned.
Make sure you thank your children warmly for all they have done. You may feel that it is no more than your due, but the fact is not all mothers are treated with consideration on this special day, and if you are lucky enough to have children who have made an effort, it should be recognised and appreciated.
We have been pondering this question and wondering how it is still relevant in the 21st century.
We have concluded that many of the traits that were traditionally associated with ‘the perfect gentleman’ are in fact simply the good manners that we all aspire to in the modern day. Traditional notions of chivalry might now seem antiquated, but the principles of considerate behaviour towards others, whatever their age or gender, are still upheld and respected. The integrity and honesty that were seen as the characteristics of a gentleman (his word was his bond, hence the notion of the ‘gentleman’s agreement’), remain highly valued attributes, though by no means confined to one gender.
We have been looking at Principles of Politeness and of Knowing the World by Lord Chesterfield, an extremely popular 18th-century etiquette guide. In 1794, the Rev John Trusler added various insights, directed at young men ‘for the Improvement of Youth’, and many of his recommendations for the 18th-century gentleman now underpin contemporary notions of good manners:
“Modesty is a polite accomplishment, and generally an attendant upon merit: It is engaging to the highest degree, and wins the heart of all our acquaintance. On the contrary, none are more disgusting in company than the impudent and presuming.
The man who is, on all occasions, commending and speaking well of himself, we naturally dislike. On the other hand, he who studies to conceal his own defects, who does justice to the merit of others, who talks but little of himself, and that with modesty, makes a favourable impression on the persons he is conversing with, captivates their minds, and gains their esteem.”
This view of the perfectly modest gentleman has survived for many generations: it is evident in a very British recoil from ‘blowing one’s own trumpet’ – the tendency to dwell on one’s own status, talents and achievements, often while showing very little interest in anyone else. Subtlety, self-deprecation, tact, consideration – these are all traits that are admired and considered likeable.
Negligence of one’s person not only implies an unsufferable indolence, but an indifference whether we please or not.
Dress, as trifling as it may appear to a man of understanding, prepossesses on the first appearance, which is frequently decisive. And indeed we may form some opinion of a man’s sense and character from his dress.
Being well-groomed and well-presented is still seen as a commendable desire to show respect for the people around you. Your appearance is eloquent testament to the fact that you have made an effort, that you are not lazy or indifferent, and will be noted and approved.
Knowledge of the world, by our own experience and observation, is so necessary, that, without it, we shall frequently give offence, when we do not mean it. All the learning and parts in the world will not rescue us from it. Without an acquaintance with life, a man may say very good things, but time them so ill, and address them so improperly, that he had much better be silent. Full of himself and his own business, and inattentive to the circumstances and situations of those he converses with, he vents it without the least discretion, says things that he ought not to say, confuses some, shocks others, and puts the whole company in pain, lest what he utters next should prove worse than the last.
The quality of worldliness is associated with life experience and sophisticated understanding. Trusler points out that any amount of learning or expertise is redundant if it is not coupled with the quality of attention, the ability to observe other people and use tact and discretion in our dealings with them. Savoir-faire, the ability to speak and act appropriately in social situations, is still seen as the hallmark of the gentleman.
Worldly finesse isn’t about following arcane or courtly rules of behaviour, but simply about being observant of the people around you and showing consideration. In general, this means putting other people first, prioritising their comfort and ensuring that they do not feel ignored or overlooked. It is about avoiding awkwardness, making conversation, ensuring that social interactions are smooth and seamless.
Bearing all the above in mind, we propose the following qualities to define the modern gentleman:
•He has an air of sociability and hospitality.
Being at ease socially is an attractive trait – recluses and curmudgeons might be intriguing, but they are rarely congenial company. Hospitality is rooted in generosity, and anyone who is able to play the attentive host, whatever the circumstances, is demonstrating this important trait.
•He is in control of life, and never stressed.
We all feel stressed at times, but the ability to conceal this feeling and to ensure that it is not infecting the people around you, is always impressive. Trailing chaos, disorganisation, unpunctuality and confusion in your wake will discomfort the people around you and erode their faith in your competence.
•He is naturally charming to everyone he meets.
Being even-tempered, warm, positive, engaged and open-minded are all characteristics of charm. This is a quality that might seem elusive, and hard to acquire, but is simply term for someone who is always friendly, and without discrimination – ‘turning on’ charm when there is something to be gained, whilst turning it off when relationships are merely transactional, is the very definition of ‘ungentlemanly’ behaviour.
•He rarely loses his temper, and never in public.
Intemperate individuals who fly off the handle at the slightest provocation or throw their toys out of the pram when they encounter adversity, are deeply stressful to be around. If they indulge in temper tantrums in public the people around them feel intense embarrassment, and the loss of self-control is troubling. On the other hand, the ability to handle any situation – however trying – with unruffled calm is deeply reassuring.
•He is modest, yet confident, and cultivates an air of ease.
Just as the Rev Trusler pointed out, modesty is an attractive trait, allowing the people around you the space to make their own judgements about you without having to endure being beaten over the head with strident reminders of your superiority. By not exerting yourself to prove to everyone how impressive you are, you will be projecting an ‘air of ease’, a deeply relaxed, and quietly confident, demeanour, which will ensure that other people find you trustworthy and dependable – a true modern gentleman.
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Extricating yourself from conversations and moving on at social events is a challenge for many of us. We are conscious that we should circulate and not hunker down with one conversational partner for the whole of the evening – we owe it to our hosts. We are also understandably alarmed at the prospect of getting stuck with a boring or unappealing person, with no obvious – or polite – means of escape.
We all should recognise the signs of discomfort and restlessness when a conversation has run its course or has simply not taken off. Eye contact becomes intermittent, with a propensity to look around the room or over the shoulder of your conversational partner. There is a tendency to become fidgety, perhaps to fiddle with your face, hair or fingernails. There might even be an irresistible urge to yawn.
Learning how to move on without giving offence is an essential skill so you do not get stuck with people. It is also important to be aware of your own impact on other people – if you are monopolising a guest, and you see telltale signs of shiftiness, then you have turned into the problem, and it would be a gracious gesture to give your conversational partner an escape route: “I think I’ve been monopolising you for too long! It’s been lovely talking to you, but I guess we should circulate”. The key to social tact is to do as you would be done by and that means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.
We’ve looked at a range of techniques for extricating yourself from social conversations – some are much more obvious, and potentially impolite, than others:
•Checking your watch
Glancing at your watch, and saying with mock surprise “Goodness, is that the time? I really must get on” is a dead giveaway. Nobody will really believe that you are under time pressure; they will see it as an obvious ploy to escape and an obvious sign of boredom. Demonstrating that you are aware of time passing is rude – it indicates that you are finding the person you are talking to less than fascinating.
•Checking your phone
Fiddling with your phone during social encounters is always rude, unless you have (and explicitly mention) a good excuse. Checking your phone and then saying “Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m going to have to make a quick call” will certainly get you out of a conversation, but it will leave the other person feeling snubbed, and that is not a desirable outcome.
•Spotting your friend
Looking over your interlocutor’s shoulder and then saying “Oh, there’s my friend xxxxxx, I really must go and talk to him/her!” clearly indicates that you find the prospect of talking to someone else much more alluring than continuing the conversation. It would be better to beckon your friend over, introduce them, and see if their presence enlivens the conversation, or acts as a natural break.
•Going home
Saying that “it’s been great talking to you” but indicating that it’s time to go home is an effective way of exiting a conversation, but it is essential that you carry through. If you use this excuse and are then spotted an hour later, deep in animated conversation, then it will be quite clear that you were desperate to make an escape.
•Self-sabotage
Spilling your wine, dropping your canapé down your front, ‘accidentally’ breaking your glass – these are all desperate measures that will undoubtedly end the conversation, but is this really your only recourse?
•Spot the host
It’s always acceptable to use the host as an excuse. It is considered courteous at a social event to have a few words with the host/hostess, and to thank them for the party, so it is quite acceptable to say “There’s xxxxx – I haven’t seen him/her yet and I really must go and say hello.”
•Excuse yourself
Ask where the cloakrooms are, or just say “please excuse me” (the implication being that you are going to the loo). As long as you make this excuse discreetly, it will be considered quite admissible and is a failsafe way of exiting a conversation. But make sure you are seen to go to the cloakroom and are not immediately waylaid by a more interesting guest/conversation.
•Offer to procure a drink
This makes you look hospitable and helpful, but it also gets you away from the conversation. If you really have no desire to return, you could allow yourself to become ‘intercepted’ en route, or you could enlist the assistance/support of a good friend, who will change the dynamic of the conversation when you return.
•Play the circulation card
If you’re stuck with a bore and you’re desperate to terminate the conversation, it’s always a good idea to say, “It’s been great talking to you, but I suppose we really must circulate”. This is a subtle way of indicating that the conversation should break up and you should both move on, but it is dressed up as a social obligation, so there is no danger of giving the other person offence.
•End on a positive note
You don’t have to make an excuse, you can just terminate the conversation with a phrase like “Well I’ve really enjoyed meeting you, but now I must move on”. You can always make this bald statement more palatable by saying something positive about the encounter: “I was really fascinated to hear about your trip to Cairo, I’m going to look up the hotel you mentioned” etc etc. That way, you will suffuse your partner with a warm glow of appreciation, which will dispel any disappointment they feel about your departure.
We’ve come to admire assertiveness and self-confidence and see them as the keys to success. We try to nurture feelings of self-confidence in our children and respond positively to people who appear to know what they are talking about and have a clear idea about how to achieve their goals.
But while confidence, if it is well founded, is obviously an asset both professionally and socially, it can be a dangerous trait when it is over-inflated, and confidence mutates into overconfidence. It’s certainly true that people who steam through life, riding high on waves of self-belief, who are strangers to self-doubt or self-questioning, can be extremely dangerous. Their demeanour is persuasive and domineering, but you might find that their confidence easily tips into arrogance and is often a carapace that has been built up to mask feelings of insecurity or inadequacy, rather than genuine feelings of competence.
We live in a world where bosses, leaders, politicians and pundits feel obligated to project self-belief and certainty – the minute they express themselves tentatively they fear that they will be perceived as weak and indecisive and will be pilloried for their pusillanimity and vacillation. Yet sometimes it’s important to acknowledge that you don’t know something, to display a willingness to learn something new, to admit that other people are better qualified to opine on a subject than you are. Sometimes admitting ignorance – saying something like “I don’t really know the answer” or “I need to think about that more” can be a sign of confidence, indicating that you don’t need to pull the wool over everybody’s eyes and project fake confidence.
This is a level of positive humility which other people will find engaging and attractive. Rather than being steamrollered by you, they will feel flattered by your willingness to engage with them and learn from them. They will also trust you more because of your honesty and refusal to hoodwink them with false claims of expertise.
Don’t muddle the competence and certainty that will impress other people with a fixed belief that you are never wrong and don’t make mistakes. Being flexible and open-minded are positive traits that will ensure that you can learn from other people, build collaborative relationships and achieve so much more.
In short, the most successful and effective people create a positive balance between confidence and humility, which makes them both likeable and admirable.
•Use positive language
This means using expressions like “I’m sure”, “I know”, “I’m absolutely positive”, “I’m in total agreement”. These emphatic phrases indicate certainty and make no concessions to doubts and dithering. If you want to come across as self-confident, eliminate phrases like “it will probably work”, or “I hope that’s okay?” or “I’m not really sure about that”.
•Use positive body language
Stand up straight, speak clearly and audibly, nod affirmatively, initiate conversations, ask questions.
•Fake it till you make it
Just as smiling is said to enhance your feelings of wellbeing and contentment, acting confidently (positive body language, a decisive and assertive demeanour) will build up your feelings of genuine self-confidence. Eventually, you will no longer be acting the part of a confident person, you will be projecting true feelings of self-confidence.
•Admit your mistakes
Cheerfully admitting your mistakes, laughing at your errors, or apologising for your misconceptions are all signs of self-confidence. It’s not about erecting an impenetrable barrier of self-satisfaction and unassailability – leave that to the politicians. In real life, self-confidence is only attractive and persuasive when it is coupled with a self-aware and open-minded demeanour.
•Don’t weaponise your self-confidence
Using your endless reserves of self-belief as a means of bludgeoning the people around you into cowed acquiescence is always a mistake. People will be much more cooperative if they feel that they are being persuaded, charmed or wooed into compliance. Ultimately, lashings of self-confidence can come across as narcissistic, self-satisfied and essentially charmless – a more tentative, self-deprecating demeanour is often a more effective way of getting things done.
•Don’t confuse confidence and competence
We all know people who are blithely self-confident, who seem to believe – with very little supportive evidence – that they are blessed with abundant knowledge and abilities. The dawning realisation that you have been bamboozled, and that these people cannot be relied upon, can be painful and disillusioning.
•Don’t let your credulity blind you
Try not to take people’s estimates of their own abilities at face value, even though it is hard not to be lulled by their sense of self-assurance. This is known as ‘confidence bias’, which is the tendency to respect someone who appears to believe what they are saying. The perils of overconfidence are obvious – nobody wants to see their business (or government) falling apart because an over-confident, but incompetent, leader has taken the helm. Cultivate a healthy sense of scepticism, and always test, question or verify (as politely as possible) the claims of other people. Someone who has well-grounded confidence in their abilities will always rise robustly to the challenge, without feeling threatened or undermined. A defensive response is generally a red flag, indicating that the confident demeanour is over-inflated and unjustified.
•Don’t underestimate yourself
If you’re suffering from a bad case of confidence bias, you might be tempted to hide your own light under a bushel. You might fall into the trap of believing that other people know more than you or are better qualified than you to deal with workplace or everyday challenges. This could lead to a diminution in your own sense of self-confidence. If your feel that this is happening, try and counteract the downward slide by reminding yourself of your own unique abilities and expertise. You might never have the blustering braggadocio of your self-confident counterpart, but a steady and unwavering sense of your own worth and capabilities will get you a long way.
We are taught from an early age that whispering is rude. Whispering is a crude weapon of social rejection; by advertising intimacy with one person, you are also excluding everyone else. Whispering inevitably induces paranoia in the people around you, and at the very least makes them feel uncomfortable.
Whispering is a pernicious form of social manipulation. If you are singled out as the recipient of a whispered confidence, especially in a situation where you are uncomfortable or do not feel fully accepted, it is easy to feel gratified by the attention and flattered that you are the recipient of confidential information.
But in a situation like this, whispering is a performative gesture of exclusion. If you choose to whisper in someone’s ear, when other people are present, you are signalling the special status of the confidante at everyone else’s expense – whispering is often the recourse of social queen bees and playground bullies, who like to control social situations and dominate the people around them. They feel gratified to be seen as people in the know, who have the power to single out favourites, and bestow information on other people, as they see fit.
Think carefully before you whisper. It’s tempting to whisper observations and ‘asides’ to your companion in social situations, especially when they are boring. But even if your intentions are not malicious, other people will notice and will be made to feel uncomfortable. In a group situation, remember your school days, and don’t succumb to this juvenile behaviour. Refuse to whisper something to one person that you don’t feel comfortable conveying to the whole group. If you want to share a secret save it for later.
If you are selected for the whispering treatment, the easiest way to opt out – without being forced into a confrontation – is to say, “I’m sorry, I can’t hear what you’re saying”. If that doesn’t work, you might have to address the situation head-on and say “Can we talk about this later? Whispering looks so rude”. Try to remember how it makes you feel when you see other people whispering in front of you, and don’t play ball – these are playground tactics.
There are certain situations where it is acceptable to have a brief whispered exchange. This is normally when the prevailing atmosphere is intense, sombre, or highly focused, and a small nugget of information or a short request needs to be communicated.
If, for example, you are attending a funeral service, and the undertaker needs to communicate something urgent about the ceremony, it is quite acceptable for him to discreetly whisper in your ear. If you are in an important business meeting, and your assistant enters the room and, with clear gestures of apology, whispers a short message in your ear, the general assumption is that some pressing business has been conveyed, but in such a way that it does not interrupt the general discourse.
In all these instances, the emphasis must be on brevity and discretion.
On the other hand, if you are at a play, film, concert, or recital – or any performance where there is a reasonable expectation of silence – you really should resist the desire to whisper to your companion, because it is extremely inconsiderate to the people who are nearby. No matter how quietly you think you’re talking, your whispering will be both audible and distracting. It is a very rare insight that needs to be urgently conveyed to a companion in these circumstances, and you should simply choose to reserve your comments until the end of the performance.
Modern open-plan offices provide congenial spaces in which colleagues can relax, chat, hold impromptu meetings and brainstorm. They often offer communal spaces, which are well supplied with sofas and armchairs, where employees can sit, drink coffee and chat.
Desks, or even large tables, are open and exposed, without the traditional partitions that once protected privacy. In these circumstances, conversations are audible, and confidentiality is elusive. If two colleagues wish to have a private conversation, or gossip about someone on their team, they often have recourse to whispered conversations. But these inevitably carry all the negative baggage of whispered confidences in a social context, and can make people feel excluded, bullied or persecuted.
Inevitably, colleagues will want to have confidential conversations in the workplace, and the open-plan model does not cater for this. Ideally, the office will also supply ‘break out’ meeting rooms, where doors can be closed, and confidential information can be openly exchanged. If that is not the case, it would be wise to take these conversations off-site. Employers might also be wise to advise their employees that whispered conversations will not be tolerated. They should stress that, even if the topic of the whispering is completely non-controversial, whispering is a breach of etiquette, which is always construed as an act of exclusion.
