Divorce was once freighted with stigma, sleaze and social scandal and this is fortunately no longer the case. But, despite our more relaxed social mores, a divorce will inevitably have an impact on family and friends, who must be kept informed from the outset. Otherwise, your marriage breakdown will become the talk of your social circle, and you will become gossip fodder. Your in-laws, especially if you have children, must be prioritised to ensure that they continue to play a role in the life of your family.
A divorce, especially if children are involved, is for a lifetime, it is not merely a legal process. If you are civilised at the outset, you will be able to negotiate the years ahead with dignity; rage and vindictiveness may come back to haunt you.
For many people, the idea of divorcing with decorum is preposterous – this is a time when emotions are running high, when divorcing couples are forced to confront toxic feelings of betrayal, resentment and disillusion. But maintaining the civilised high ground, and armouring yourself with a carapace of good manners, is an effective way of retaining feelings of self-respect and reducing unnecessary animosity and distress. Good manners are all about communicating effectively: keeping correspondence temperate, remaining calm during encounters with your ex, ensuring that everyone is kept informed and that major decisions are matters of consultation.
Remain open and communicative throughout the entire process and you will mitigate some of the negative fall-out. Write letters to your ex-partner, communicate with him/her about your children, keep in touch with in-laws. Make sure that everyone is kept informed, including schools, your children’s parents, family doctors and so on.
• Don’t use your lawyer as a counsellor
It’s tempting to confide in a sympathetic lawyer, but it is foolish to do so while the meter is ticking away. Seek counselling from professionals or confide in close and trusted friends.
• Don’t waste your lawyer’s time
Arguing about which party should have the cream sofa or the best dinner service is not a good use of your lawyer’s time or fees. Try and resolve these issues with your ex-spouse, using a mediator if necessary.
• Communicate the news in person if possible
It’s best if you talk through your impending divorce with family and close friends: if this is not feasible, consider sending a handwritten letter or a personalised email. You will want to explain your decision, but avoid vitriol and accusations – intemperate remarks, in writing, will cause unnecessary distress. As with all bad news, text messages are inappropriate – it is hard to communicate emotional nuance using minimal words and emojis.
• Don’t be vindictive
Throwing your husband’s vintage wine collection down the loo or cutting your wife’s prized designer clothes collection to shreds may seem like a therapeutic act when you’re in the throes of rage and despair, but it can rebound on you and undermine your case. Judges will take a dim view of vindictive behaviour, so hold your head high and retain the civilised high ground.
• Keep communications open
If phone and face-to-face conversations with your ex-partner are quick to ignite into rage and recrimination, email or write regularly, and keep the correspondence focused and businesslike.
• Stay relentlessly polite and civilised
Defuse fallout amongst family and friends by meticulously observing the social niceties: send Christmas cards and birthday cards to in-laws, keep them informed of your children’s progress. No-one will be able to fault your good manners.
• Don’t try to curry favour with your children
Showering your kids with material goods and lavish birthday presents will antagonise your ex-partner and unsettle your children, making them dissatisfied with their old home.
• Don’t cross-examine your children about your ex
Children must redefine their relationship with both parents and will resent your attempts to invade that territory or extract information from them. They may react to probing by telling you what you want to hear, which can cause complications and misunderstandings.
• Protect your children
Recriminations should never be aired in front of them, and you should never confide in them. They lack the maturity and objectivity to understand and will find your distress frightening.
• Conduct handovers with dignity
Find a quiet place to hand over your children to your ex and avoid noisy cafés, shopping malls and petrol stations. Hand over your children in person – never drop them at the gate or the front door.
• Don’t be a divorce bore
Long tales about legal battles, dastardly financial dealings and flaming rows will soon have you struck off the dinner party guest list unless told with humour and self-deprecation.
• Don’t be a dating bore
Resist the temptation to re-live the low points of your marriage with a sympathetic new partner. Remember, detailed tales of communication breakdown, neglect, abuse and infidelity may set alarm bells ringing…
• It’s fine to say no
If you are invited to family occasions (e.g. your ex-partner’s remarriage, or the christening of a child with a new partner) remember you are under no social imperative to attend, and should only do so after closely examining your own feelings. Only go if you think you can cope without lapsing into animosity and bitterness but ensure that you have a friend who can monitor your behaviour, alcohol intake and emotions.
The etiquette guides of the 18th and 19th century are compendiums of sensible (and somewhat esoteric) advice on all matters related to self-presentation, communication, the relationship between the sexes, social customs and rituals, everyday behaviour and special occasions.
These are still important topics for the etiquette team at Debrett’s and we always enjoy looking through the guides to see what nuggets of historic advice are still applicable in today’s very different world.
We take as our starting point an invaluable list of ‘precepts’, which form part of the appendices to the Rev Dr John Trusler’s popular guide, A System of Etiquette, published in 1805:
Shew in everything a Modesty
Be not always speaking of yourself
Angle not for praise
Be easy in carriage
Listen when spoken to
Be choice in your compliments
Flatter delicately
Command your temper and countenance
Seem friendly to enemies
Never see an affront if you can help it
Avoid wrangling
Judge not of mankind rashly
Trust not too implicitly in many
Dr John Trusler
The ideal of behaviour in 19th-century society was to be gracious and easy-going, a good listener who did not see the need to boast or seek out approbation, who in turn was adept at dispensing compliments and gentle flattery. There was a general recognition that confidence, charm and ease were signs of strength. On the other hand, short tempered, bombastic people who spoke only of themselves and never listened to anyone else were seen as weak because they were unable to conceal their baser instincts – ambition, greed, competitiveness – beneath a civilised veneer.
In the clubs and drawing rooms of 19th-century Britain the emphasis was on always presenting an easy-going and affable exterior – under no circumstances would a gentleman lose his temper, get drawn into an argument, or make his feelings of enmity or contempt obvious. His ‘command’ of his countenance ensured that his facial expressions did not betray his emotions. He was advised to be measured in his judgment of fellow human beings, and to offer congenial companionship. He was, however, warned not to bestow his trust too easily – calculations and judgments about his fellow human beings were well-concealed beneath the bland exterior.
The charming and accommodating façade that was de rigueur in high society not only meant that the wheels of social intercourse ran smoothly, eliminating any unpleasantness, it also ensured that discretion was a highly valued characteristic. People learnt to conceal their true thoughts and feelings and were empowered by doing so. Getting ahead, being successful, climbing to the top of the social ladder were urgent priorities, then as now, but the social ascent was subtle and appeared effortless.
While it is easy to understand that these are charming traits, which would undoubtedly be considered extremely attractive in the social sphere, much of the above appears increasingly difficult to apply in the 21st-century world of work. We live in a fast-moving, dynamic society, which encourages the idea of social mobility. In our working lives, we are prone to self-assertion, convinced that we will not get ahead if we do not push ourselves to the front of the queue and get ourselves noticed. Modesty, or taking a back seat, is seen as an increasingly under-valued characteristic.
But perhaps our historic forebears had a more nuanced approach to self-advancement? Try adopting a 19-century demeanour. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve or fly off the handle at the slightest provocation. Moderate your emotions and present a calm and collected exterior. Be friendly and attentive to everyone, never make feelings of enmity obvious, and exercise discretion and self-control in all your relationships. You may well find that your popularity rises as your demeanour becomes more civilised, reaping you rich rewards.
This is the month of new resolutions and many people’s minds turn to their relationship with alcohol. After the over-indulgence, hangovers, regrets and recriminations of the Christmas season, it is not surprising that opting for a dry month, and possibly using new year abstinence as a stepping-stone to giving up drink altogether, is an obvious choice for many people.
But this simple decision can lead to many manners conundrums and should be approached with tact and sensitivity.
If you are the abstainer, it is quite tempting to make a song and dance about the decision. By proclaiming it to all and sundry you are making yourself a hostage to fortune, who will be reproached for falling off the wagon and dismissed as a lightweight whenever there is a lapse. For some people, creating witnesses to an alcohol-free journey is an effective way of monitoring and managing progress. But beware: trumpeting your decision from the rooftops can look very much like virtue-signalling, and people around you who have no intention of giving up drink may feel guilty and self-indulgent whenever you’re around. This may well lead them to avoid your company and you may find dry January turns into a period of enforced self-isolation, which might make it all the harder to stick to your resolution.
It is preferable, if possible, to be circumspect about your resolution to abstain. Don’t make a fuss when you’re offered alcohol, just discreetly ask for water or a soft drink. If you are challenged, make light of your decision to abstain, don’t turn it into a big production number. That way, you will not become a social pariah, whose sobriety is a living reproach to drinkers everywhere. Don’t take it upon yourself to lecture other people about the benefits of an alcohol-free existence or point out that they’re drinking too much and could benefit from a break. That is their business, not yours.
If you do decide to go for a dry January, you may well be doing it with your spouse or partner. Of course, this will make day to day life much easier, but it may give you a distorted idea about what’s acceptable. While some temporary non-drinkers may eschew hosting social occasions altogether, others embark on a folie à deux, convinced that it is acceptable to invite guests to their house and only offer them soft drinks. While not serving alcohol on cultural or religious grounds must be accepted, in general it is the social norm to look after your guests, anticipate their needs and desires, and make provision to ensure they are met. This means offering, at the minimum, a choice of red or white wine or beer, and not inflicting your own abstinence on other people. If you are unable to do this, you should hold back on hosting social occasions until you are either drinking again or have learnt to tolerate the sight of other people drinking.
Those of us who continue to drink and have no intention of giving up alcohol in January, should stick to our guns, and try not to let other people’s self-discipline undermine our resolve. But we must remember that choosing to drink is entirely our own decision and has no bearing on anybody else. It is all too common for the drinker, when confronted by the abstainer, to become stridently insistent on plying them with unwanted drinks, urging them on with remarks like “a little glass of wine won’t do you any harm”, or accusing them of being party poopers who are spoiling a celebration or big occasion.
It is always inappropriate to question the decision to abstain. On the contrary, you must respect it without interrogating it, and ensure that you are doing your best to facilitate the abstinence. If you are hosting, you must take refusals of alcohol at face value, and offer a range of alcohol-free alternatives to your guest. Ideally, you will have thought about this beforehand and laid in supplies of sparkling mineral water or delicious soft drinks, such as elderflower cordial, as well as providing carafes of tap water. This will mean that you can smoothly make the transition from dispensing alcohol to pouring a soft drink on demand, without having to get water from the tap, or scrutinising the fridge for alternatives. The best you can do is to seamlessly cater for the teetotaller with the minimum of fuss.
The fairy lights have finally been extinguished, the tree has been removed, the cornucopia of festive food in the fridge has been reduced to a few sad leftovers. The Christmas season is well and truly finished. As we confront the quotidian world of school runs, supermarket shopping, train strikes and crowded roads it is all too easy to put memories of feasting, fun and excess behind us and embrace the collective hangover that haunts us all in early January.
But before you beat a retreat, remember that there is one vital Christmas task that still needs to be completed (if you haven’t already done so) – the round of seasonal thank yous for presents and hospitality. Don’t let too much time elapse before you acknowledge generosity – it will inevitably look like a grudging afterthought, rather than genuine gratitude. A thank-you note will alleviate post-event feelings of anxiety, providing vital reassurance for gift-givers and hospitality-providers alike.
Traditionally, thank yous were always sent as handwritten letters – the deliberation and effort expended appeared to be commensurate with the gratitude experienced. Handwritten letters are probably still appropriate for older people who have not embraced texts or emails. The rest of us may choose this traditional option, send postcards or greeting cards, or emails. You can still follow the conventional format in all these media. If you choose to send a thank you by text or WhatsApp, it will inevitably be a much more cursory message. It is certainly better than no thanks at all but beware of sounding offhand or unappreciative – you don’t want to make light of what may have been a gargantuan effort.
Unless you have had an opportunity to thank the present-giver effusively in person, you should always send a thank you, even if you feel your presents were pathetic and the hospitality fell far short of your expectations. A thank you letter is not a certificate of commendation for a job well done; it is a social convention that serves to placate and reassure. It may well be used to relay genuine feelings of gratitude, but in less-than-ideal circumstances it will ensure that feelings of irritation and disappointment are safely stowed away and there is a consensus that everybody is satisfied. Remember, the person who bought the laughably inappropriate present, or served up the indigestible meal, was probably trying hard to do the right thing, and the effort made should certainly be gratefully acknowledged.
The basic principles of writing a good thank you are the same, whether you are responding to gifts or hospitality. For the thanks to sound heartfelt, you will need to express generalised gratitude, which should then segue into much more targeted and specific appreciation. This part of your letter can be the most challenging, especially if you were disappointed in a present or disconcerted by Christmas entertaining. But you must dig deep, find something positive to say, and sound as if you mean it. You can then move into more general news and round off your letter with a reiterated thank you.
Dear Will and Charlotte
Thank you so much for having us to stay this Christmas. It was so kind of you to take on the responsibility for the Christmas entertaining, and we all had a wonderful time. It was such a treat to be able to spend Christmas with all the family under one roof – I know it must have taken so much work and planning.
Opening general statement of thanks
We loved the ritual of drinking Buck’s fizz while we opened the presents and thought your insistence on taking the over-excited children out for a vigorous afternoon walk was absolutely inspired! It was so lovely to meet your neighbours when they came round for drinks on Boxing Day.
Specific highlights of hospitality are acknowledged
We got home in record time and enjoyed a couple of days of peace and quiet with the children before gearing up for New Year’s Eve and our traditional New Year’s Day visit to the pantomime. Everyone is now completely exhausted and dreading going back to school and work! I’m so glad you’re able to come to us in mid-February.
General news and offers of reciprocal hospitality
Once again, many thanks for your truly heroic hospitality.
Final reiteration of thanks
Love from
Emily and Charles
Dear Grandma
Thank you very much for your very generous Christmas present. It was just what I wanted. I really needed some new headphones as my old ones were sounding really crackly!
General statement of thanks
We’re going on a school trip to the Brecon Beacons at the end of January, and it will be great to have my headphones so I can listen to music on the coach journey.
Specific thanks
I hope you had a good Christmas? We had a lovely time with Uncle James and Aunt Flora – it was great having Christmas by the seaside and we enjoyed watching the Christmas morning charity swim. I was able to practise skateboarding (my present from Mum and Dad) on the promenade.
News about Christmas
Next term I’m going to start football club on Saturday mornings, which will be fun. Mum says we’re going to come and visit you at half-term – I’m really looking forward to seeing you.
Further news and discussion about next meeting
Thanks again for the brilliant headphones.
Reiterated thanks
Love
Robin
Hogmanay is a New Year’s Eve celebration that is enjoyed all over Scotland, and its history can be traced back to pagan celebrations of the winter solstice. While it may not be such a major festival in the rest of the UK, elements of Hogmanay have been woven into all our celebrations at the turning point of the year.
It is considered unlucky to welcome in the new year in an uncleaned house. In Scotland this tradition of cleaning the house is known as “redding” and includes removing the ashes from the fireplace and repaying all standing debts.
These traditional preparations have a place in all our lives. After the indolence and indulgence of Christmas, and the inevitable visitors, cooking and entertaining, it is highly likely that all our houses are in need of a thorough clean and tidy-up, and psychologically, it is encouraging to approach a new year with the feeling that all the detritus of the old year has been swept away.
Bringing greenery into the house, as with the yule log before Christmas, is a symbolic gesture. Branches of rowan, placed on the threshold, are said to bring good luck, while mistletoe is believed to bring good health to a household (no more sleazy Christmas kisses). Hazel and yew are believed to protect the house and all within it. Juniper, burnt in the grate, suffuses the house with its pungent scent and windows are flung open to let in the fresh air, in preparation for the celebrations.
As the bells ring in the new year, people all over the country – not just Scotland – will be linking arms and singing Auld Lang Syne. This song was based on old Scottish ballads and poems and adapted by the great Scottish poet, Robert Burns. The phrase “Auld Lang Syne”, meaning “days of long ago” obviously spoke eloquently of the feelings of nostalgia that can suffuse us at this time of the year, and the ballad has gained worldwide popularity.
As soon as the bells have rung, people go to visit friends and family (known as “first footing” in Scotland) bearing a bottle of warming spirits, which is quite possibly a ritual dating back to Viking times. Their appearance brings good luck to the household, but the ‘wrong’ first-footer – variously identified as blonde men, redheads, women, people with flat feet – was traditionally considered unlucky, and it was quite acceptable to turn them away.
If you’re thinking about going first-footing, never turn up empty-handed. You should consider bringing the following: a bottle of spirits to toast the new year; a lump of coal to symbolise the bringing of comfort; a back bun or shortbread to indicate the household will not go hungry; a silver coin to signify prosperity.
The Roman celebration of the new year was centred on the two-headed Roman god Janus, who looked both forward and back. Many Romans looked for forgiveness from their enemies at this time of year, and this is thought to be the origin of the new year’s resolution – a belief that past evil spirits, entities or demons were banished when frailties, temptations, bad habits and past transgressions were denounced.
The Roman tradition of wiping the slate clean before ushering in a new year has survived throughout the intervening centuries. We are all seduced by the idea of a fresh start and feel opening a new diary or year planner has great symbolic significance. The start of a new year should be a springboard for banishing our worst habits and ushering in a new era of self-improvement, self-discipline, creative challenges, fitness targets and so on.
While all these goals are laudable, and sometimes life-changing, the aspirations of January have all too often been discarded by the dark days of February. Given that this may well happen, it might be wise to stay schtum about your projected programme of self-improvement, and simply smile enigmatically when asked about your new year’s resolutions. A proclamation of praiseworthy goals and targets can all too easily turn into virtue-signalling and if you regale people with a list as long as your arm, you’ll just make them feel bad about their own lack of discipline and zest for personal growth. If you fail to achieve the goals you have been broadcasting to all and sundry in the first week of January, you are then condemned to endlessly explaining that you have fallen by the wayside, and your evangelical passion for improvement will start to look distinctly shop-worn.
When you are a guest in somebody else’s house you are on their territory. They may have invited you to share their space, but it is primarily theirs and you must respect that. No matter what travesties of taste, awkward room layouts, chaotic clutter or poor housekeeping you encounter, you must resolutely keep your thoughts to yourself. Hosts will, of course, insist that you make yourself at home, but this is a customary polite gesture and shouldn’t be taken literally. There are a myriad of ways in which you can cross the invisible boundary into unacceptable behaviour, turning yourself from welcome visitor into nightmare guest.
Most of us will know these things instinctively, but it is worth mentioning a few of the worst offences:
• As a guest you have no right to rearrange, alter or ‘improve’ any aspect of the host’s home. If you have been given a guest bedroom, it will temporarily become your own territory, so it is acceptable to reposition a chair or move excess pillows to a sofa, but only if you remember to put everything back precisely as you found it.
• Leave your room looking reasonably tidy in the morning – a host might be discouraged or downcast if they happen to see their carefully prepared guest room in a state of chaos and dereliction.
• When it comes to leaving, ask the host about the bedding. Some hosts will appreciate you stripping the sheets and duvet cover, but that is not inevitably the case. If you are leaving the bedding intact, make sure that the bed looks neat and tidy.
• In communal areas of the house – for example the living room, you must not alter anything – that means steering clear of moving around the furniture, rearranging cushions, moving side tables or using your laptop to create a desk area in a communal room.
• Bathrooms are a particularly dangerous area: you should never change the position of the loo roll in the holder (end of the roll hanging on the exterior or the interior – the jury’s still out on this vital question, and there is no ‘right’ way to arrange it). Don’t clutter up bathroom shelves with all your own toiletries – it’s better to keep them in a washbag, which you can either leave discreetly in the bathroom, or carry back and forth.
• Clean up after yourself. If you have a bath or shave in a shared bathroom, give the surface of the bath or basin a quick wipe to ensure you have not left any tell-tale scum or tide marks.
• Never treat the house like a hotel, where housekeeping will clean up all your messes and spillages – if you accidentally squirt some toothpaste on the mirror, for example, don’t leave it for someone else to clean up. Take responsibility for your own mess and clean it up yourself.
• After you have used your towels take them back to the room and find somewhere to leave them to dry. Don’t clutter up a communal bathroom with additional towels.
•While it’s fine to use a host’s toothpaste, shower gel or soap, restrain yourself from ferreting around the bathroom shelves and cupboards and don’t use the host’s own body lotions, shaving soap, shampoo and conditioner. If you have exclusive use of a guest bathroom, which is equipped with plentiful toiletries, the assumption is that you are being invited to use them.
• The kitchen is the host’s domain. You should never open a fridge or cupboard in a host’s house and help yourself to food unless you are invited to do so. The same goes for making your own tea or coffee – most hosts will show you where to find basics, breakfast cereals, bread etc. and invite you to help yourself, but you must wait until they do so.
• While many hosts will welcome your help in the kitchen and appreciate it if you offer to lay and clear the table or load the dishwasher, you should defer to the hosts at all times, ask “is there anything I can do?” or make a gesture towards giving a helping hand (eg starting to gather up the dirty plates from the table). If the host doesn’t want your help, they will tell you so.
• Respect your host’s space and do not leave any of your own clutter lying around. Ask where you should put dirty shoes, wellington boots, or coats. Never sling a discarded jacket over the bannisters or on a convenient chair. If you’re drinking tea or coffee, carry dirty cups through to the kitchen. Don’t leave books, or half-read magazines or newspapers scattered around the living area.
• If you find that your host’s home does not match up to your own exacting standards of tidiness and cleanliness, you must resolutely refuse to do anything about it. Unless you are explicitly requested to help out, you should never rearrange your host’s possessions, tidy up the living room, reorder d the bookshelves, polish their neglected bathroom fittings, or scrub their bath and tiles. All these actions, which might have been undertaken with the best of intentions, will look like a reproach to the host.
• Every host will want you to feel comfortable in their home, but they will also not want to feel that you have colonised their territory, leaving irrefutable evidence of your presence wherever you go.
A wise guest is a model of tact and discretion, who shares the host’s space with a light touch and leaves no discernible trace of their stay.
Apologising is part of everyday life – as often as not, the offence is minor, and the apology is automatic. But if a victim is truly wronged by your words or actions, it is imperative that you promptly apologise unreservedly for any offence you have caused.
The first, and most common, mistake is to say that you’re sorry “if” you caused offence or upset to the wounded party. Clearly the implication is that there has been no real transgression, simply a “victim” who insists on feeling hurt, traduced or insulted.
This is the very essence of the half-hearted apology. It may grudgingly recognise the victim’s sense of grievance, but there is no acceptance that this is a legitimate response to a provocation. Any notion of cause and effect is ruptured.
Another common error is to attempt to diminish the magnitude of the offence by belittling it using humour. This is a very dangerous ploy – often it is the perpetrator’s insensitivity that has led to the problem in the first place, so it is very unlikely that their attempts to make light of the issue, or raise a laugh about it, are going to be persuasive. On the contrary, they have added a new dimension of crassness to their original offence, confounding rather than mitigating their mistake.
Humour is a dangerous device when used to defuse a situation because it is so open to multiple interpretations – one person’s hilarious joke is somebody else’s asinine insult. You need to very sure of your ground before deploying this technique or you’ll simply end up further inflaming the situation.
A genuine apology fully recognises the nature of the offence, acknowledges the pain or discomfort that has been caused, and seeks forgiveness from the victim. Half-measures, jokes, belittling remarks, teasing – these are all feeble attempts to brush away responsibility for what has been said or done.
There will be no chance of defusing a situation and no damage limitation possible until the perpetrator recognises their personal responsibility.
We all know that hosting Christmas is hard work, so being asked to be a guest at Christmas should be an unmitigated pleasure, shouldn’t it?
Being a guest on big occasions such as Christmas can be very fraught. You may well find yourself having to channel the skills of a seasoned diplomat as you negotiate the ebbs and flows of your host’ mood swings and stress levels. You will have to be supremely flexible and cooperative, ready to do what you’re told and to participate in every kind of social mayhem. Above all, you will have to be grateful for everything and to look as if you’re enjoying yourself, whatever happens. Are you ready for the Christmas challenge?
• Come laden with goodies. Obviously, you will bring presents for all the family. But also ensure that you also come with plenty of good things to drink and some Christmas treats (a Stilton, box of truffles, Christmas pudding, mince pies, Christmas cake etc. etc.). If you ask your hosts what you can bring and are told “nothing”, ignore them. This kind of polite refusal is an example of kneejerk good manners and should never be taken literally. The vast majority of guests will feel better if they can actually contribute something. If you feel that your hosts are the type of people who over-indulge in a Christmas cornucopia, then bring flowers or a plant in a beautiful pot.
• By consenting to be a visitor you have forfeited your right to run the day as you see fit – just go with the flow and enjoy it. Under no circumstances should you display any surprise at the arrangements (“oh, I didn’t realise we weren’t eating until the evening”), and never start a sentence with the words “don’t you think it would be a good idea….”.
• Don’t be a party-pooper. If you have agreed to be a Christmas guest, you are under a moral obligation to enter into the Christmas spirit – no cynicism, no grumpiness, no sulking. You may not enjoy charades or sing-songs and may prefer to snooze away the afternoon in front of the TV, but that is not your prerogative. You must grit your teeth and get on with it. This is one occasion where you simply can’t bow out.
• Be assiduous about offering to help and keep an eye open for signs of panic and hysteria in your host – you might be able to step in and save the day. But if your offers are refused, remember no means no. For some hosts, a pack of well-meaning guests bumbling around their kitchen making an effort to help is the final straw. If your hosts insist that you do not lift a finger on Christmas Day, you must accede to their wishes, no matter how tempted you are to clear away the discarded wrapping paper or wash up the glasses.
• Keep your eyes open for potential pressure points and pre-empt problems. If the kids are beginning to blow, take the situation in hand – suggest a short walk, a turn around the garden, an expedition to another room to show off presents etc.
• Don’t make any demands. If there’s something on the TV that you desperately want to see, remind yourself that you can always stream it when you get home. If you’re anxious for a walk and none seems to be on offer, just say that you’re going to take a turn around the garden or round the block to get “a breath of fresh air”. Do this with the minimum of fuss, and somebody might join you.
• Never comment on your host’s way of doing things. You might have your own ideas of the Christmas ritual, but you must accept unquestioningly that your host knows best. So no remarks like “We always used to have our Christmas cake at 5 o’clock and the kids were in bed by 8…” Comments like these will always be seen as implied criticisms, and should be avoided at all costs.
• Calibrate your behaviour to your hosts’. If they’re big drinkers and you’re not, accept an offer of a glass of wine and take tiny sips, don’t make a big fuss about being a non-drinker. On the other hand, if they’re very moderate drinkers and your definition of a good Christmas Day is drinking steadily and getting thoroughly intoxicated, try to restrain your most indulgent impulses.
• Retain a sense of proportion. If you’re sleeping on an uncomfortable mattress and besieged by over-excited children at the crack of dawn, if you find the drawn-out lunch and games session purgatorial, if your hosts are bickering and getting on your nerves, remind yourself – it’s just one day a year and it will soon be over. Plaster a warm smile on your face and keep soldiering on.
• Thank the host effusively for his/her hospitality. This means not just expressing your gratitude as you leave, but also following up with a proper thank you letter. The letter should go beyond the usual platitudes, and mention something particular about the Christmas entertainment (eg “I loved the family charades after lunch on Christmas day, and thought the boxing day walk and pub ritual was a really great antidote to all the feasting…”). You should also reiterate your thanks for the presents you received.
• If you are an irredeemable Scrooge, then don’t inflict yourself, or your negativity, on other people at Christmas time. It’s also perfectly possible that, although you’re not Scrooge-like, you simply prefer your own company on Christmas Day. If that is the case, stick to your guns – you will probably endlessly having to explain yourself and reassure concerned relations that you won’t feel lonely and sad, but if that’s what you want, you should insist, and people should respect your wishes.
If you are hosting a Christmas meal, you will want your table to look celebratory and festive. Decorating your table is an excellent way of proclaiming that it is a special occasion, and it will be an encouraging sight to your guests on Christmas morning.
The basic rules do not vary when laying the table. Give each person as much elbow room as the table permits. Leave an even amount of space between places, ideally no less than 20 inches. Knives and spoons go on the right, forks on the left. The idea is always to work from the outside in. For formal dinners, pudding spoons and forks should be laid innermost and not above the place setting. If short of space, bring them to the table when pudding is served.
Formally, it is correct always to lay side plates – even if they are not going to be used – as they automatically provide sufficient elbow room. Napkins should be simply folded or rolled and placed on the side plates. It is helpful to have a table mat, correctly positioned about an inch from the table’s edge, at the centre of each place setting. Fashionable chargers, an oversized plate that is positioned underneath the dinner plate, may be used in preference to table mats but piling up too many plates at each place setting can look cluttered in a domestic setting.
The basics are large and small knives, large and small forks, teaspoons, dessert (pudding) spoons and forks, and tablespoons. There may be small blunt knives for butter, fish knives (depending on what you’re serving), soup spoons and extra small spoons for coffee, or for salt and mustard. Some people have different shaped spoons for soup and pudding, but cutlery design is not standard. If the dessert spoons are very small, then traditionally tablespoons are used for the soup.
Soup should be served in shallow bowls. Pudding, unless there is a lot of sauce, is served on small plates. A special dessert service with a decorative pattern may be used, or the same plates
as the first course.
The traditional diameters of plates are ten inches or a little more for dinner plates (main course), eight inches for pudding plates and six inches for side plates. With so many contemporary designs and shapes available this is just a guide, not a rule.
Glasses should be grouped or lined up on the right above the knives. A tumbler for water and two wine glasses, with the larger one for red wine, is usually enough.
If a pudding wine or champagne is served, a third, smaller wine glass is needed, though it does not necessarily have to be a champagne glass or flute.
If port is served, then separate glasses are also needed. Port is circulated in a decanter, starting with the host, in a clockwise direction around the table. It is correct to pass it on promptly, without putting it down, even if not drinking any.
Brandy and other after-dinner drinks may be served at the dining table with coffee (bring the glasses to the table if brandy is requested), or in the sitting room. It is considerate to have more soft drinks available after dinner.
Decorating tables is a very personal matter and there are really no rules, other than taste. A simple, immaculate, white double damask cloth is always an attractive starting point, or you may want to opt for a wooden tabletop. Seasonal flowers are traditional and can look beautiful, but arrangements should be low enough for guests to see over. At Christmas you may well choose an arrangement of twigs and branches, pussy willow and pinecones, mixed in with green ivy and holly. Alternatively, you could place a Christmas wreath in the centre of the table and stand candles within its circumference. A colour theme is fun – red and green is traditional, but you might opt for the metallic glow of silver or gold. Whatever decorations you choose, remember that you will need plenty of room for groaning serving platters, so either accommodate these in your table plan, or create decorations that can be easily removed to a sideboard during the meal.
Candles alone provide a flattering ambience, but plenty should be used to ensure that everyone can see their food – the old rule was six candles, in pairs, for eight people and so on. A statement candelabra will signal that this is a special occasion. Soft, additional indirect lighting such as picture lights, or down or uplighters, can help to get the right balance, and prevent your guests from having to peer at their food in the flickering half-light.
If silver is being used, clean it ahead of time to avoid the room smelling of polish. Both silver and glasses will usually benefit from a final polish once the table is laid.
These four letters pack a big punch. They represent a perfectly reasonable request from the host for guests to reply to invitations and make a simple commitment to attending or not attending the event.
The clue is in the word ‘commitment’. Nobody is forcing you to behave like an over-stretched and frantic social butterfly. Indeed, at this time of year especially, many of us may feel a bit inundated socially, and may well be considering turning down invitations. That is the guest’s prerogative, but it is important to note that, once a RSVP has been sent accepting an invitation, a commitment has been made, and it is important to honour it.
It is very easy, especially as the nights close in and the weather gets colder, to experience a last-minute aversion to the notion of going out to a party. But if you have already sent an RSVP accepting the invitation, you really are honour-bound to attend if possible. Last-minute cancellations are very distressing for hosts, who rely on RSVPs to manage expectations about social events. Once the bulk of their invitees have replied, they can make sure that the amount of food and drink they have ordered is commensurate with the projected number of guests and it is deeply discouraging to see their calculations about drink and food imploding, not to mention their anticipation of a party’s success.
If you’ve decided to drop out at the last minute, how are you proposing to convey this news? You should have the gumption to call up your hosts and explain why you’re not attending – and note, “I can’t be bothered” is not an acceptable excuse.
Increasingly, people are much more likely to shield themselves behind the ‘anonymity’ of texts and convey cancellations by text or WhatsApp. Either of these methods will feel perfunctory or careless to the host. A last-minute cancellation on a WhatsApp group chat, where other members of the group are also supposedly attending the party, may have the effect of bringing the whole house of cards down. Once one group member has cancelled, others may feel less compulsion to attend themselves, and may also cancel in turn – a chain reaction that is highly insulting to the host.
At any event, there will be certain guests that the host feels are vital to the success of the party, and they will be relieved and delighted when they receive notice that they have accepted the invitation. Last-minute cancellations from these guests will be especially galling. Conversely, if you feel you are a very unimportant footnote at a very big event, then you could plausibly argue that your absence will not inconvenience or disappoint anybody.
Everyone accepts that there are certain good reasons for dropping out of a party at very short notice – a sudden illness, a family emergency, a babysitting crisis etc. Even a disappointed host will accept that these are all reasonable excuses and will be more than ready to commiserate with the guest who has been forced to cancel.
Feeling apathetic, socially burnt-out or lazy are not similarly valid reasons. While you may genuinely be feeling all these things, it is irrefutable that you have brought this on yourself, and that you are basically suffering from a bad case of diary mismanagement – you should never have accepted the invitation in the first place, and you should recognise that, despite your miscalculation, you must adhere to your commitment.
You might feel daunted by the prospect of a social gathering at which you know only the host, but you will almost certainly have a better time than you expect. More importantly, you have already received the invitation, weighted up the pros and cons, and accepted, so you are really not in a position to let a last-minute attack of social anxiety change your mind.
Bear in mind that if you make a habit of dropping out at the eleventh hour you will soon get a reputation for being a flake, remembered more for being unreliable than for any social contribution you make.
