An effective education has always required collaboration between parents and the school. Clearly, talking to your child’s teacher about goals, problems and progress is a fundamental expectation, but there are other more subtle ways of building a relationship with the school, which may involve giving up your own time for school events, volunteering to go on school trips, helping with fundraising drives and so on. All these activities will cement your relationship with the school and benefit your child.
Parents’ engagement with schools might be shaped by their own experiences as pupils. If parents did not ‘succeed’ in, or enjoy, their own education and have good experiences of the system, it may mean they are less trusting of teaching staff and may not be so supportive when it comes to homework and extra-curricular activities. It’s very important to put personal experience behind you and embrace the opportunities your child is being offered.
While communication between schools and parents has been revolutionised by emails, this is not always positive. Demanding parents, who may have unrealistic expectations for their children and a tendency to be highly critical, now expect an instant email response to their complaints – some teachers spend many hours a week simply communicating with parents.
It is important for parents to realise that the relationship is not single-sided. The school is not simply providing a ‘service’ (educating children) to demanding ‘customers’ (the parents). An education is so much more than a litany of classroom achievements. It involves developing social skills, building confidence, nurturing relationships, spotting special skills and talents, nipping social problems in the bud. A good education will create a well-rounded child, not simply a grade-achieving automaton, and parents have a vital role to play in this process.
If you are responsive to requests from your child’s school, involve yourself in the life of the school and build positive relationships that go beyond the classroom, your child will feel relaxed, secure and ready to learn.
• Take the time to say hello to your child’s teacher when you’re dropping off or picking up, and exchange a few pleasantries. If your child is young, the class teacher will be a major figure in their lives, so it’s a good idea to start building a cordial relationship from day one.
• Turn up for regular meetings with the teacher. If you can’t do it, make sure your partner can (both of you should attend if possible). Pleading that you’re ‘too busy’ to discuss your child’s progress will be a real black mark against you.
• Always fill out all the material that comes from the school, and promptly. This may mean signing a homework diary and adding a few comments, or filling out forms for school activities, assessments etc. Lots of children are really forgetful about handing over this material, so inspect your child’s bag at the end of the day to check out what needs doing.
• Check your emails regularly and always answer emails from the school promptly.
• Always be available to help your child with homework tasks – they might need help or clarification or maybe you’ll need to forage for craft materials or pictures. Young children need a lot of learning support and you owe it to the school to do your bit.
• Always turn up for end of term concerts, school plays, carol services etc. if you've said you're going to be there. Your child will look for you and may feel anxious or disappointed if you're not there having said you would be.
• Give a little time to the school – it may be assisting in the classroom, manning a stall at the school fête, putting together a newsletter in the evenings, or helping on a school trip.
• Try your best to answer all appeals for help from the school – be it for cash contributions, food for the harvest festival, old clothes for school plays, gifts for a sister school in Africa.
• If you have enough spare time, consider joining the Parents’ Association or becoming a parent-governor. You will be able to work with the principal and senior management team to make sure the pupils get a good education.
• No matter how frustrated you feel, you must never storm into the school at the end of the day and berate your child’s teacher. If you have a concern, always make an appointment. Even if you have a serious grievance, keep your language moderated and your temper in check – anger will only make people defensive…
• It is vital that you don’t embarrass your child in front of his/her fellow pupils or teacher. Aways take your cue from your child if you accompany them on a school trip. Behaviour that is acceptable in the privacy of your own home may be absolutely mortifying in a school context.
It’s party season and over the next few weeks we’re all likely to find ourselves, glass in hand, making conversation with a stranger. Some people respond to this challenge with ease and panache – they never seem to run out of topics, are excellent at drawing out the shyest people, and spread an atmosphere of enjoyment and conviviality. But even if you’re not the world’s greatest conversationalist, you should be able to cope with the social challenges ahead, if you avoid the following cardinal errors:
People who only half-engage in social conversations, who let their eyes wander around the room or look over the shoulder of the person with whom they are nominally talking, are undoubtedly very rude. We have all felt trapped in party conversations at one time or another, aware that we might miss the opportunity to waylay someone with whom we really want to chat, but it is imperative to suppress these feelings and ruthlessly eliminate any sign that you are anything other than 100 per cent engaged.
You just have to accept that you must let the conversation run its course, until you reach a natural point where you can make your excuses – these can range from refilling your glass to a more generalised statement that you feel you must ‘mingle’. Alternatively, you might see someone you know and introduce them to your conversational partner. If you take this route, stick around for a few moments to ensure the conversation is under way, then mutter a polite excuse and escape.
Many people are over-loquacious – they like the sound of their own voice, have opinions on everything and are not at all inhibited about airing them. They may find that a stranger at a party, especially someone who is a little shy or not particularly assertive, is a perfect target. They can bang on happily about their favourite hobby horse, secure in the knowledge that nobody is going to interrupt them.
In the words of the Greek philosopher Epictetus (c. 60 CE) “we have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak”. Good conversationalists are great listeners; they ask open-ended questions (which do not demand simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers), listen carefully to responses, then pick up threads and elaborate on them to create a multi-layered conversation, replete with shared references and a sense of intimacy.
Many people see socialising as primarily a means of self-promotion. They are intent on making an impact, becoming the person at the party that everybody is talking about, and maybe even see this ambitious form of socialising as a way of advancing their reputation or career.
Unfortunately, they all too often use extremely crude methods to get their message across. They boast and brag about their achievements, status, wealth and abilities in the deluded belief that they will sweep all before them. Far from gaining kudos, they rapidly become social pariahs.
A close relative of boasting, name-dropping is another way of trumpeting your self-importance, by claiming that you are intimately acquainted with famous people. This painfully transparent attempt to coast through life on the coat-tails of more talented individuals is only going to make you look needy and pathetic. It certainly won’t win you any friends.
While it is certainly important to listen to your conversational partners and to ask questions, you must be careful about just how probing your interrogation is. We all accept that social chit-chat is a delicate dance that skims the social surface, flirting with intimacy, but moving on. You will be transgressing this social law if you start questioning people about money, salaries, divorce, political allegiance, religion and so on.
Accept that there is no short cut to intimacy and revel in the skill with which seasoned practitioners of the conversational arts can skirt around the big questions, make generalised observations, and obliquely extract all sorts of information from their interlocutors, without once asking an intrusive question.
Big talkers are often keen interrupters. They are conversationally over-bearing and are therefore quite likely to break into other people’s conversation, stopping them in mid-flow, or talk over them. Obviously, the tendency to interrupt is closely linked to an inability to listen – impatience and frustration build up and the interrupter is filled with an overwhelming desire to butt in.
Interrupting is extremely rude; it devalues what the ‘interuptee’ is saying and belittles them. If it is essential that you should break into a conversation – to relay some important news or to alert people to the fact that dinner is served, for example – establish eye contact with the person who is talking, and then say “Please excuse me for interrupting, but…”
It is very important at parties to make people feel welcome and included (wallflowers should always be taken under your wing). Sot if you are chatting with a group of friends or colleagues and a stranger is present it is very rude to talk exclusively about people, issues or events that only concern members of the group.
A fundamental rule of social intercourse is that nobody should be made to feel superfluous and irrelevant. So, if you find yourself in this position, do your utmost to lead the conversation into more general areas and if members of the group will not be led, consider addressing the issue directly: “I’m sure Alex doesn’t want to hear about our sales teams’ antics in Abu Dhabi!”
If you don't have children, or if memories of early parenthood are fast fading, you may find friends with babies a real challenge. While there are undoubtedly many parental pitfalls that must at all costs be avoided, you should be aware that your behaviour is equally important. Impatience or censoriousness will destroy new parents’ confidence and will make a difficult time unbearably fraught.
Here are some ways of behaving around babies and new parents with tact and diplomacy:
• If you are hosting new parents (even if it’s just for a few hours), make sure that they have the sole use of a room in your house. They’ll be able to dump their baby paraphernalia, retire here to change nappies, breastfeed, or just have quiet time with the baby. They may be able to set up a carry cot in this room and put the baby down for a nap.
You’ll benefit from allocating them their own space, as otherwise they’ll inevitably colonise your whole house (it’s difficult to avoid), and you may begin to resent the territorial encroachment.
• If the baby is mobile (ie crawling or toddling), you must make some basic preparations before a baby comes to your house. Remove breakables so that they are beyond a baby’s reach, secure kitchen cupboards, and, if possible, move a piece of furniture in front of the bottom of the stairs. At least you have now done the best you can to safeguard the child’s safety and the parents will appreciate the effort you’ve made.
• Test your own tolerance. If a baby creates a certain amount of mess (saucepans on floor, books taken off shelves, newspapers shredded around the sitting room), can you live with it? If all that it entails is a quick five-minute tidy around once the baby has gone home, then you almost certainly can. Why make a fuss over something that is comparatively trivial?
• Communicate with the parents. If a baby is doing something that you can’t bear to witness (playing with your best china, breaking the flowers off your precious pot plants, smearing jam on your white upholstery), point it out – quietly and firmly – to the parents. Never react directly to the baby – snatching it away, shouting etc. will cause open-mouthed shock followed, inevitably, by lusty screaming and pained looks of reproach from the parents.
• Never criticise. It’s almost inevitable that you will see behaviour around babies that you find baffling, provocative, or just plain stupid. But unless this behaviour is life-threatening, you must keep your criticisms to yourself. Head-on critiques will cause anger, or painful self-doubt and defensiveness and are therefore totally pointless. If you want to convey a message to a parent, you must use the tact of a seasoned diplomat; anecdotes about your own experiences, self-deprecating tales of mistakes made, lessons learnt and so on, might work, but only if they are deployed with the utmost subtlety.
• Lead by example. If a baby is causing unacceptable disruption (at a dinner table or in a restaurant, for example), and the parents are resolutely determined to ignore the interruption, offer to take the child outside yourself. There’s always a chance, of course, that they’ll just let you do what you suggest (although only the most insensitive parent will leave you in sole charge for long); but they may also correctly read your suggestion as a gentle reminder of their responsibilities.
• No snatching. Many babies don’t enjoy being grabbed by comparative strangers (and almost everyone, apart from their parents will seem like a stranger to them at first, even if they are blood relations). They will wriggle miserably in your arms, reach out for their mother, start grizzling. It’s really not a good idea to put either the baby, or the parent, through this misery. Wait until a compliant and relaxed baby is handed to you and then you can welcome it with open arms.
• Accept parental fussing. If parents make a song and dance about feeding the child, getting it to bed, settling it etc., don’t adopt a world-weary “been there, done that, never did me any harm” line. The parents’ fussiness is, obviously, a manifestation of anxiety about new responsibilities, and will have to be worked through at their own pace. Just try and let it all wash over you…
At this time of year, the pace of social life picks up and you may well find yourself invited to multiple events and gatherings. This is a matter of celebration for energetic and convivial extroverts, but for many people this frenzy of socialising can become oppressive and exhausting. Many of us are still slowly re-booting our social life in the wake of the pandemic, and our social stamina is diminished.
So, if you want to curtail your socialising or simply to enjoy a quiet night in, how do you politely decline an invitation without causing offence?
It is easier to be circumspect when you receive a formal invitation to an event. It is not actually necessary to give a reason for non-attendance, and is quite acceptable to simply send regrets, for example:
Florence Cavendish thanks The Board of Trustees for the National Society of ……. for their kind invitation for Saturday December 17th, which she very much regrets being unable to accept.
If the formal invitation is personal, then it is usual to add an excuse, though not to add much detail (‘due to a previous engagement’, ‘due to the illness of ….’).
The whole business of declining becomes a little more fraught when you are responding to less formal invitations. You probably know the hosts and/or their friends personally, they may be part of your social circle, or family members, and you therefore need to think carefully before making your excuses.
If somebody puts you on the spot and asks you to an event in person, or on the phone, don’t panic – that might lead to a kneejerk (and regretted) acceptance, or an over-blunt refusal. Instead, buy some time – say you’ve got to check your diary or calendar, or check your dates with your husband/wife/partner/babysitter. Give yourself the time to really think about the invitation and to assess whether you are able to go before replying.
When it comes to replying to informal invitations – written or verbal – the following general rules apply:
• You should always RSVP to invitations promptly, and this is certainly true when you are declining. Don’t allow your reluctance to let the hosts down become a reason for procrastinating. Bite the bullet and send your regrets as soon as possible.
• Always express your gratitude and appreciation for the invitation. Even if you are going to decline it you should indicate that you recognise you have been honoured.
• It’s always fine to plead a previous engagement, if that is genuinely the case. Everybody knows that social events clash, and that it’s unavoidable.
• Don’t tell lies to explain your non-attendance – your cover story may be blown by well-meaning friends, especially as social media now tracks and exposes our lives in unprecedented ways, and you wouldn’t want your hosts to discover that you lied in order to avoid their party.
• Don’t plead fictional illness, either your own or a family member’s. You will be provoking unwarranted sympathy and, more troublingly, interest, which may well mean that your story is exposed.
• If you’re not attending because you’re suffering from social exhaustion and want to spend a night slumped in front of the TV, it might be best to come clean – especially if you know the hosts well. This excuse will be much more acceptable if you imply that your exhaustion is due to over-work and/or parenting commitments (which everybody accepts are out of your control) rather than over-socialising (your hosts will conclude that you chose to go to other people’s events and as a result cannot summon the energy to go to theirs, which they may find hurtful).
• If you are asked to an event that involves spending money that you don’t have, for example a lavish Christmas dinner at an expensive restaurant, it is quite acceptable to be honest and say you can’t afford to participate – you can make this blunt statement more palatable, and less liable to induce guilt in your friends, by saying something like “I always spend far too much money at this time of year…” or jokily saying “I’m afraid there won’t be a turkey for Christmas dinner if I keep on splashing the cash!”. Keep it light-hearted and people will find your excuse understandable.
• If you are basically making your excuses because you are feeling over-tired and over-committed, you can always mitigate the impact of your refusal by suggesting an alternative social event in the near future (it might lighten the January gloom). Proposing a dinner or outing in the new year will ensure that your hosts don’t feel rejected.
• Above all, be decisive. Don’t prevaricate – putting an invitation on one side because you can’t make up your mind whether you’ve got the energy or will to go to the party is the height of bad manners. Your late RSVP, even if it’s an acceptance, may inconvenience your hosts. Sending a late refusal is never acceptable – your hosts may well detect that you have been hedging your bets about attending their party, and your subsequent decision to turn them down will be doubly insulting.
• If you change your mind at the last moment and decide to decline an invitation you have previously accepted, it is imperative that you contact the hosts (by phone, email or text) to let them know you won’t be coming. You should apologise profusely for the last-minute cancellation and should also offer an excuse for not attending. If you have decided not to go because you just can’t face it, then you must take on the blame (“I’m afraid I have bitten off more than I can chew, and severely under-estimated how exhausting the last two weeks would be. I am so sorry to let you down.”). Soften the blow by suggesting alternative future arrangements.
Arrogant people are lucky enough to be thick-skinned, brandishing their own certainty and lack of self-doubt or humility as they ride roughshod over the petty issues of other, lesser mortals.
The innate self-belief of the arrogant is transmuted into a conviction of superiority, and a fatal inability to ever admit a mistake. Arrogant people are undoubtedly resilient; their ability to remain unbowed, and to breeze through everyday life without a care about the effects of their actions on those around them, can be quite awe-inspiring, but the effect of arrogance is distinctly undesirable.
Arrogant people are, quite simply, rude. People who have no self-doubt, who proceed without looking left and right to check the feelings of those around them are not people we should be rushing to befriend. Unfortunately, arrogance – that overbearing pride and superiority shown towards perceived inferiors – is now all too often associated with the drive to succeed, to get on, not to be held back by lesser mortals. Ambition is applauded and its unattractive attributes, such as arrogance, are tolerated.
There is a fine line between arrogance and confidence, but they are very different traits. Confidence is a feeling of self-assurance that comes from a realistic appreciation of our abilities and qualities. Arrogance is, at root, an inflated sense of personal value.
Arrogant people are know-it-alls, who feel they have nothing to learn, and therefore are resistant to listening to other people’s points of view. Confident people, on the other hand, have no problem listening. They’re aware that they don’t know everything and are happy to learn from others.
Arrogant people brag about their achievements, skills and abilities, and often ignore those around them. They like to hog the spotlight, making others feel less important. They might use condescending or patronising language or simply talk over people. These unattractive characteristics often mask deep-seated feelings of insecurity.
Conversely, confident people are willing to share the spotlight, and like to acknowledge other people’s achievements. In a social context, this is revealed in a propensity to ask questions, a willingness to listen to other people, and a tendency to encourage other people to ‘shine’. In a work context, confident people are collaborative and cooperative; they ask for input from their colleagues and encourage teamwork.
We’ve all come across arrogant people in our social life. We may have suffered an unpleasant encounter at a social event, where we have been bored to death, alienated or patronised by an arrogant guest, who is boastful and overbearing, yet blissfully unaware of their own shortcomings. In the context of a short-term social encounter, the best policy is to swiftly move on – engaging with an arrogant ego can be a bruising experience.
However, it becomes much more troubling in the workplace, where arrogant people can be truly disruptive. Their inability to listen to other people, to engage in constructive dialogue or to work collaboratively, can poison the office atmosphere and disrupt team dynamics.
Here’s how to manage arrogant behaviour or people in the workplace:
1. Spot arrogant applicants
Be cautious of CVs that look too good to be true. Arrogant applicants may exaggerate their skills and experience or may argue that they are uniquely suitable for the role. When you interview them, you may find them over-demanding – they may state at the outset that they cannot contemplate overtime, or they require a desk near the window. They may enquire about promotion prospects before they are even offered the job. These kinds of demands denote a sense of entitlement, which may well emanate from an over-inflated ego.
2. Call out arrogant behaviour
Inform your employees that you will be reviewing their attitude as well as their output and performance. Arrogant people may feel that their rude behaviour is justified by the results they get, so you need to let them know that no amount of expertise will justify disruptive or demeaning behaviour. If you want to encourage teamwork, you need to make it clear at the outset that getting along with colleagues is a high priority.
3. Confront the arrogant employee
Sometimes, you need to tackle arrogant behaviour head-on. Set up a meeting with the employee and be specific about revealing incidents. You will need to spell out the negative consequences – for example low team morale and productivity, resignation of key personnel etc.
Don’t make the mistake of associating overweening pride and feelings of superiority with success.
Consideration for others is a fundamental life-skill that should not drain away in the face of driving ambition.
As the Christmas season approaches we look at a number of potential pitfalls for hosts. We all know that laying on a lunch or dinner party can be a daunting prospect, but it is likely to go much more smoothly if you plan ahead, cook within the limits of your abilities and do as much preparation as possible before your guests arrive.
Here is a faux-pas checklist to guide you through the festive season:
It’s always a good idea to check out if your guests are allergic to any particular foods when you invite them. Also check if they’re prone to food intolerances. This might mean you’re left with an unwieldy list of sanctioned foods, violent dislikes or dietary no-nos, but at least you’ll be forewarned and can plan evasive action beforehand.
Make sure you allow enough time to de-clutter your house, remove any domestic debris (scattered shoes, discarded toys, drying laundry), and clear a space for guests’ coats – you don’t want to keep people standing around in the hall in their coats for longer than necessary. Giving a lunch or dinner party is a bit of performance and you need to ensure that the stage is set.
It is reassuring for guests to arrive at a house which is neat and tidy, with the table laid and ready and delicious cooking smells wafting in from the kitchen. If they arrive to find an empty table and a distracted host, they may well be filled with the grim realisation that they in for a long, and chaotic, evening.
Check your cutlery carefully when you’re laying the table – we’ve all seen how dishwashers can occasionally bake food fragments on to utensils rather than washing them off.
Make sure you have more than enough food and wine to last the evening – nothing is worse than having a panicked host announcing that they’ve just got to ‘nip down to the shops’.
Giving a dinner party can be a stressful affair and it’s very tempting to lay into the wine before the guests even arrive. If you’re drunk, it will certainly impair your abilities to serve a complex meal and get the timings right – you may end up burning the main course or forgetting the cheese altogether.
If you don’t plan a sensible menu and do as much preparation as possible beforehand you may find yourself chained to the cooker for much of the evening. This is very boring for you, but it is also uncomfortable for the guests, who will be worried about their host’s absence and may be forced to fend for themselves.
Oysters and mussels are a delicious treat, but if a few bad ones sneak in the gastric consequences will be horrible, so it might be safest to avoid them. If you’re cooking meat, remember that only single cuts of lamb or beef should be cooked rare. In all other cases (especially burgers) ensure that the meat is well cooked.
If you’re serving a magnificent joint of beef or a whole fish, you want it to be admired in all its glory. Plating it up on a highly decorated serving platter will obliterate its impact and make it look like a mess. Plain white dishes will set off your culinary creations.
Red wines are rich in tannins, which will taste horrible if the wine is too cold. Make sure you bring the wine up to room temperature, or a degree or two above.
You may be serving red meat and savouring the prospect of a robust Bordeaux. But some people can’t bear red wine, and just because you can’t contemplate a white wine in these circumstances doesn’t mean you should refuse to serve it. Give your guests a choice.
It’s easy to overlook the people who won’t be drinking when you’re planning a convivial evening. So make sure that you’ve got something to offer them – elderflower cordial or sparkling mineral water are a reliable stand-by – and put large jugs of tap water on the table (wine-drinkers will appreciate this too.)
It’s tempting, once the main course has been served, to sit back and relax and let events take their course. But if you’re hosting, you’re on duty for the duration, and that means ensuring that the courses follow on in a stately progression – with a reasonable pause in-between – and the drinks keep flowing, including after-dinner offers of tea and coffee. Stay alert for empty glasses and don’t let long hiatuses develop.
Etiquette may not be at the forefront of most parents’ minds when a baby is on its way but there are British cultural traditions about announcing births, and it is always helpful to remind yourself (well before the birth) of traditional customs. Inevitably, personal style will always play a major role when it comes to the choices of any given family, and there is no right or wrong way of announcing the arrival of a baby. Social media now plays an important role, and some couples will opt to go down this contemporary, rather than the traditional, route.
Traditionally, it is the father’s responsibility to spread the good news, but a grandparent or other relation often shares the duty. Immediate family and close friends should be informed as soon as possible by phone; it is sensible to prepare a list in advance of those nearest and dearest that require a phone call.
Other family and friends can then be contacted and it is customary to use other media – for example, text message or email – to spread the word. It is essential that the most important people have learnt of the news in person before it is announced on social media sites.
Cards, sometimes complete with a coloured ribbon (or a photograph), may be sent out at a slightly later stage. There are myriad designs available, so you can choose a design, or use your own photograph, and order personalised cards online. Conventionally, this card would contain the following information: parents’ names, baby’s full name, date and time of birth, place of birth, weight (if desired). Often, this may double up as a thank-you card if a present has been received.
If there are complications, the announcement may be delayed until the health or wellbeing of the mother and baby are known.
Birth announcements in the paper are traditionally very simple and succinct. Announcements are usually confined to the broadsheets – effectively The Times and Daily Telegraph, though fewer people now do both – or, if appropriate, a local newspaper.
A traditional announcement would read:
Mayhew – On 20th December to Richard and Emily (née Berkeley), a daughter, Olivia Anne.
Unmarried couples will use both parents’ first name(s) and surname. For example:
Maddox – On 20th December to Richard Maddox and Ilsa Curzon, a daughter, Alice Louise.
Single parents may use only one parent’s name. For example:
Jameson – On 20th August to Rebecca a son, Gabriel Paul.
If it is not a first child the sibling may be named (for example, ‘a sister for Joanna’) and occasionally the hospital (certain fashionable private London hospitals include the announcements in their package and always name themselves). Thanks to the medical team are less traditional but may be included and may reflect particular circumstances.
It used to be rare to announce the adoption of a child but is now much less so. Some parents choose to send out cards and the traditional wording would read:
Mr and Mrs Berkeley wish to announce the arrival of Thomas Edward into their lives.
A less formal and more contemporary version might be:
Edward and Charlotte Berkeley are thrilled to announce the homecoming of their son Thomas Edward.
There are no conventions that govern announcing a birth on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and so on, and the style and wording of the announcement will be very much dictated by the people involved. However, there are some issues that should be taken into consideration:
• It is a good idea to plan ahead when it comes to announcing the birth on social media. If they are inveterate users of social media, both parents need to agree a coordinated approach – a mother would be understandably annoyed to find that her partner has posted a blow-by-blow account of her labour on social media before she has even had a chance to announce the birth. Decide which platform/s you will using, work out the wording and decide what you want to do about photos.
• If you’re a friend of the new parents, you must not steal their thunder by announcing the birth to the world on social media. It’s quite common for parents to wait before making a public announcement, as they want to be sure that everything has gone well.
• If your friends have posted images of their new baby, you will of course want to like or comment. But you must not re-share the photograph on your own page – the new parents may be understandably annoyed to hear that pictures of their child are being displayed to total strangers.
• You can always take it offline – a heartfelt text to the new parents might well be a more direct and intimate way of expressing your excitement.
World Hello Day, on November 21st, is celebrated by 180 countries and is intended to illustrate the importance of personal communication in preserving peace. On this day people are encouraged to participate by greeting ten people, preferably strangers.
The positive benefits of briefly interacting with strangers – engaging in eye contact, smiling and exchanging greetings – are incontrovertible. This simple transaction brings with it a pulse of pleasure, a feeling of being noticed and acknowledged, and an affirmation of the belief that humans are fundamentally civilised.
In the country, these pleasant greetings are workaday. In fact, the Countryside Code of 2021 explicitly advises us to “be nice, say hello, share the space”. Life moves at a slower pace in the countryside, so there is more time for pleasantries and for passing the time of day. When you are out walking, it is normal to greet others even if you do not know them, with a cheerful “hello”, “good morning” or “good afternoon”. On a deserted footpath or windswept hill, where fellow humans are a rarity, it is quite acceptable to prolong the contact by making a friendly remark about the weather, the beautiful view, the toughness of the climb, the muddiness of the paths and so on. These encounters are a heart-warming aspect of country life.
On crowded city streets, however, it is a very different story. Buffeted by fellow pedestrians, deafened by traffic thundering past, acutely aware of a range of hazards – from wheelchair users and buggies to young children and oblivious texters – we are likely to beetle along, with our heads down, or with our eyes fixed, refusing to acknowledge our fellow citizens. The Germans have a term for this blank-eyed gaze – wie Luft behandeln – which means “to be looked at as if you are air”, in other words, invisible.
It is undeniable that one of the main reasons for this willed invisibility is anxiety. We are worried that engaging in eye contact will lead to a more prolonged encounter, possibly with someone who is eccentric, threatening or alarming. We fear that our overtures of friendship will be met by routine “What are you looking at?” aggression. This is perfectly obvious on public transport, where there is a near-universal refusal to engage in eye contact or conversation – an unwritten law that is only broken in exceptional circumstances, such as breakdown or cancellation.
Mobile phones have become indispensable props when we do not want to engage. If we fear we are being stared at or are anxious that a stranger might be about to launch into a conversation, we can always rely on our phones. As soon as we start staring at the screen, and especially if we are also sporting headphones, we are impregnable, wrapped in our own cloak of invisibility.
So, if you’re a harassed city-dweller, how are you going to rack up your ten hellos on Monday 21st (and the rest of the year)? The answer is to humanise all your transactions and encounters, and to ensure that you politely acknowledge the myriad people who are offering you a service. Start with a cheerful “Good morning” – this could be addressed to your neighbour as you walk to the bus, the refuse collector who is emptying your bin or sweeping up the autumn leaves, the postman who’s delivering your letters, the bus driver as you tap in, the barista at the coffee shop, the doorman or receptionist at your office building. If you are waiting for a lift and the doors open to reveal that it is already occupied, offer a friendly greeting to the occupants.
Ensure that you greet anyone who is serving you in a retail context, whether it is a convenience store, petrol station, supermarket checkout, or upmarket boutique. When you first encounter them, say “hello” or “hi” and recognise their presence with a friendly smile – there’s really no need to make them feel part of the wallpaper. These are all transactions that you will be having anyway, so you might as well make the effort to turn a mundane encounter into a friendly exchange.
If you’re eating your sandwich on a park bench, take the time to smile and greet the person who sits down next to you. Say “hello” to dog-walkers and people with small children – as long as your greeting is accompanied by a warm smile, they will assume that you are charmed by their dogs/babies and will not react defensively.
All these random encounters are seemingly minor moments in your day, but they will all contribute to an aura of positivity, a feeling of connection and appreciation. You are probably already well aware that when you are the receiving end of a friendly greeting, you also experience a gratifying buzz of acknowledgement, the consciousness that you have been noticed, not overlooked.
It’s a very simple task to put a smile on a stranger’s face and it’s also fundamentally good manners.
Many of us will panic on being presented with a prehistoric-looking crustacean, or a flawless whole fish, complete with a glassy-eyed stare. We are aware that penetrating the hard carapace or extracting the delicate fish from the seemingly pervasive bones, is a dining challenge like no other. It involves skill, dexterity and the use of special implements. Our etiquette experts have put together a simple guide to eating fish and shellfish; we’ve also taken a look at some fascinating utensil history.
Until the 19th century, food at British dinner parties was served on large communal platters, requiring the host to carve joints and hand round plates. This all changed from the 1850s onward with the advent of service à la Russe. Separate courses were handed to the diners by servants; the stately progression of courses from soup to fish to meat to game to vegetables, followed by cheese and dessert, placed a new stress on the (now relatively uncluttered) table. Elaborate centrepiece decorations were de rigueur, there was a proliferation of specialist crockery, cutlery and glassware for each course, and diners were always presented with a menu card to help them navigate their way through this complex ritual. Clearly the etiquette challenges of polite dining were multiplying.
The fish knife first made its appearance during this period. The knife blade had a curved sharp edge, designed for sliding between the skin and the flesh of the fish. The broad blade was used to lift the fish to the fork, while its relatively sharp point could be used to lift small bones away from the flesh. The wide surface could also be used to scrape up, or spread any sauce served with the fish. The fish knife, which replaced the more traditional custom of using two forks to eat fish, became a much sought-after utensil, especially amongst the rising middle-classes who aspired to a gentrified way of dining. By the end of the First World War, however, fish knives had fallen from fashion, at least for the upper classes who had always tended to look down on them and preferred to wield two forks to fillet a fish. You may still encounter a fish knife and fork these days, but it is by no means inevitable.
Other specialist implements include lobster picks (or forks), which are used to extricate tender morsels of meat from the inaccessible nooks and crannies of the prepared lobster.
Lobster picks are used to remove tender slices of meat from the small nooks and crannies of the prepared lobster. They are generally made of stainless steel. One end is moulded into a two-pronged fork, or a sharp pick, which can be used for stabbing the meant. The other end may be shaped into a small spoon, ideal for scooping out meat from small spaces. Lobster picks, also called seafood picks, can be used for other seafood such as crabs and crawfish.
Finally, you may well encounter a seafood cracker, very similar in design to a nutcracker. This is simply used to crack the claws of lobsters and crabs, enabling you to use your fork or a seafood pick to access the meat within.
• Lobster
A whole lobster in its shell will typically arrive at the table already cut into two halves, allowing easy access to the flesh. Use a knife and fork, or just a fork, while holding the shell steady with the hand. The big claws usually come cracked but if not, use special lobster crackers and then pull out the meat with a fork. If you want to get meat out of the smaller parts, use a lobster pick. Too much digging can look greedy and messy but too little may seem unappreciative, so aim for a balance.
• Whole Crab
Eating a whole crab is not for the faint-hearted – even with the correct implements it is a messy business requiring a degree of manual dexterity, so if you’re at all nervous about your ability to carry it off, order a dressed crab. If you’re ready for the whole crab challenge, you must first prise away the legs and claws from the body by twisting in a semi-circular motion with the fingers. Discard the legs and put the claws to one side. Pop open the shell by flipping the crab on to its back, using the fingers to remove the ‘tab’ (a kind of back flap) on the body’s underside. Take the top and bottom half in each hand and lift off the top shell. Then apply pressure with your thumbs to break the crab into two halves. Remove the greyish lungs and liver, which should not be eaten. Use a fork to tease out and separate the meat in the crab’s body from the cartilage, and use shellfish crackers to open the claws, enabling you to extract the meat with a pick. Discard the shell debris in the dish provided and rinse the fingers in the finger bowl.
• Mussels
Use an empty mussel shell as a pincer to extract the other mussels from their shells. Using a fork is also perfectly acceptable. The sauce around the mussels can be eaten with a spoon, like soup. Put all empty shells on the spare plate or bowl provided and use the fingerbowl as required.
Finger bowls are often served after eating shelled seafood. The proper use of a finger bowl is to dip only the tips of yourfingers in the bowl, then pat them dry with a napkin. If a cut lemon accompanies the finger bowl, first slide the lemon across your fingertips before dipping them in the warm water.
•Whole Fish
Work down one side of the spine at a time, from head-end to tail-end. Ease mouthful-sized pieces from the fish. Never flip the fish over to reach the flesh on the underside – lift the entire skeleton up and gently ease the flesh out from beneath – this was traditionally done with two forks. Small bones should be removed from the mouth with fingers and placed on the side of the plate.
• Prawns
If the prawn arrives intact, begin by removing the head and tail; do this by giving each end a sharp tug. Peel off the shell, starting from the underside, where the legs meet the body. If the prawn is uncooperative, discreetly bend it against its natural curve to loosen the shell. Finally, remove the black thread from along the back before eating the flesh. To eat a prawn served headless but with its tail attached, use the latter as a handle and discard after eating the flesh. Langoustines may be treated in a similar way. Use the finger bowl as before.
• Oysters
Raw oysters are served on a bed of ice, accompanied by fresh lemon wedges and sometimes mignonette (shallot and red wine vinegar dressing). They will be already shucked (ie detached), but use your fork to prise the flesh from the shell if any sticks. Squeeze the lemon over the oyster in the shell.
Pick up the shell and bring the widest end to the lips. Tilt, and slide the entire contents of the shell – the oyster and all the juices – directly into the mouth from the shell.
Alternatively, hold the oyster in the left hand and spear the contents with a fork (sometimes special oyster forks are provided), then drink the remaining juice from the shell. Either chew and savour the unique briny, metallic taste of the oyster, or swallow it down in one – opinions vary about which method is best.
The tradition of seating newlyweds side-by-side at formal dinner parties during their first year of marriage now seems archaic and outmoded. But it reflects the ‘special’ aura that surrounded couples as they embarked on their life together – normal social expectations were waived, and they were allowed to enjoy their new togetherness.
The early days of marriage are still seen as a special time. Up to a point, newlyweds are expected to dote on each other, find it hard to keep their hands and eyes off each other, and generally behave as if they’re passionately in love with each other. But only up to a point…
However rosy the afterglow of the wedding and honeymoon, normal life must resume at some point. Planning for, and anticipating, the wedding will have taken up a lot of emotional and practical energy, and there is bound to be a feeling of anti-climax. Your big day may well have filled your every waking thought for many months, so it is not surprising that everyday life can feel troublingly empty.
Resist the temptation to fill up the weeks immediately following the wedding with manic socialising. Concentrate instead on being together and spending tranquil hours with each other, which will cement your bond. Once this period is over, newlyweds should begin to gently break down the aura of coupledom that suffuses them by starting to invite people into their lives. This means asking people around to the marital home and offering hospitality.
If you are a relatively recent couple, now is the time to bond with your respective families and to bring them together, so that everyone can get used to relating to you as a married couple – there will be endless wedding photographs to admire, and reminiscences and anecdotes to share.
Be patient and accept that you will be bombarded by questions. Many of them will be of the “how’s married life?” variety, and you must learn to parry these questions with good grace. If the questions become over-intrusive, for example enquiries about when you plan to start a family, you really are not obliged to answer – practice a sphinx-like air of imperturbability and respond with a curiosity-dampening “all in good time”.
The following practical tasks must be undertaken:
• Check that all paperwork and invoices are now settled with suppliers. The wedding dress and morning suit should be cleaned as soon as possible to avoid any deterioration or damage. You will also need to collect any clothes or possessions you left with members of the family or at friends’ houses before the wedding.
• Formal thank you letters must be sent for all wedding presents. This should be done before the weeks slip into months. Split the task between you to prevent thank you letters becoming a chore.
• It’s a pleasing gesture to also send effusive thank you letters to parents, in-laws, the best man, ushers and bridesmaids, acknowledging – gratefully – all their hard work on the day.
• Now is the time to browse through your wedding photographs and decide which images you want to order. You can also distribute the link or album to parents and family members so that they can place their own orders. Check if the best man, ushers or bridesmaids would also like to order any prints.
• If a name change is planned, the practical bureaucracy should be attended to, avoiding a confusing interregnum in which both names are being used. If either party in an opposite or same-sex marriage chooses to take their spouse’s name, a deed poll is not required; the marriage certificate is sufficient documentary evidence to show that they have changed their surname. Remember that a name change will involve a great deal of further bureaucracy, as you will have to update your details with doctors, dentists, banks, the DVLA, Inland Revenue and so on.
Finally, don’t over-prolong the after-wedding glow. The world is full of married people and getting married doesn’t make you unique. The wedding itself was your big day, and sometimes it’s hard to come down to earth after the festivities or to accept that other people have moved on with their lives. You may have become used to being the centre of attention for several months during the lead-up to the marriage and – if the wedding has gone according to plan – you will have basked in all the admiration and good wishes.
But weddings are one-off rituals, not models of how life ought to be. Remember this, and concentrate on embracing, and welcoming, post-nuptial normality. Don’t be depressed if you feel a little anti-climactic, that’s only to be expected. Just remind yourself that you’re embarking on life’s next big adventure.
