Pity the child-free guest who is unlucky enough to be seated next to the out-and-out school bore. They can look forward to an evening of relentless monologues on the subject closest to the doting parent’s heart: school admissions policies, waiting lists, league tables, SATs, A Levels vs Baccalaureates, university admissions, and so on…ad infinitum.
There’s no bore like a school bore. As soon as the child is reasonably sentient (and sometimes long before) the obsession kicks in. Agonising examinations of the comparative merits of various schools, endless note-swapping with fellow bores, sudden ‘conversions’ to eccentric religions (well worth it if the child can gain admission to superior faith schools) – the list goes on. And like all bores, the school bore is blissfully unaware of the magnitude of the preoccupation. Despite all signs to the contrary, school bores assume that everyone else shares their fixation on all things educational. They blithely expect that their fellow human beings are equally riveted by academic travails and triumphs and can think of no finer conversational subject than little Charlie’s SATS scores, Rebecca’s private tuition or Jemima’s GCSE grades.
School bores should remember that many people do not have children at all, and others have happily put the whole business of education behind them. Dwelling on the subject at social gatherings is therefore of absolutely no interest or relevance to them and should be avoided because it breaks one of the fundamental rules of social intercourse – find a subject that engages everyone present.
They should also be aware that many parents of school-age children do not share their passion; certainly, they want their kids to do well, but they have a relaxed attitude to schools, and a blithe confidence that their children will make their own way successfully. Rather than pushing their children academically, they have concentrated on nurturing their relationship with their kids, encouraging interests outside the school, and building their sense of self-confidence and self-motivation, secure in the knowledge that these are the traits that will stand their children in good stead as they make the transition to adulthood. Parents like this will find the bore’s endless musings on admissions, exams, results, grades and streams troublingly pushy, single-minded and competitive.
Of course, it must be noted that the school bore evolves from the finest, and most laudable, of motives. Their abiding passion is to obtain the best possible education for their children. This is undoubtedly a praiseworthy aspiration, but somewhere along the line, the parental ambitions are blown out of all sense of proportion.
Re-mortgaging your house to fund the ‘best’ private education for your child or moving house to access a better school certainly shows an extraordinary commitment. But before you take such a drastic step, it might be a good idea to pause and examine your own motivations. Are you seeing your child as an extension of yourself and mapping out their future stellar academic career because you seek an antidote to your own sense of academic mediocrity and under-achievement? Are you looking at the might-have-beens and could-have-done-betters in your own life and redressing your own personal history?
You may well argue that you are seeking to equip your child with essential survival tools in a very challenging world, but if your drive, ambition and angst become excessive, you might simply be passing on your neurosis to your child, instilling a lifetime of performance anxiety, or creating a stubborn refusal to cooperate. Faced with relentless parental ambitions, it is scarcely surprising that many children simply dig their heels in and choose to opt out.
If you sense a nascent preoccupation with all things educational, take a long, hard look at yourself. While it might be hard to purge your obsession, you can make a start by keeping it to yourself. Make a point of not hanging around the playground quizzing other parents about their child’s grades, curriculum gripes or extra-curricular efforts. On the days when GCSE and A level results are announced, stay shtum – resist the temptation of buttonholing other parents and asking about their children’s grades and, no matter how proud and even vindicated you may feel, ensure that you do not boast about your own child’s achievements. Practice answering polite social enquiries about your child’s progress succinctly – “he/she seems to be doing fine, thank you” – rather than launching into a detailed monologue about your educational trials and tribulations.
If you cannot control your obsession, your best policy is to befriend some fellow educational bores. There are plenty of them around, and you can while away many a happy hour animatedly discussing the comparative merits of your children’s schools. Just don’t inflict it on the rest of us…
In crowded cities, where living cheek by jowl with other people creates all kinds of pressure, neighbours can spell trouble… all too often they’re inconsiderately noisy, grab the prime parking space, spill their bin-bags or fight with you over the party wall.
The ‘neighbours from hell’ phenomenon is depressingly familiar, and police are frequently called out to address rowdy altercations and campaigns of victimisation and intimidation; occasionally disputes between next-door neighbours can descend into violence.
But it really doesn’t have to be like this. If you make a concerted effort to be friendly, cooperative and accommodating towards your neighbours, you may find there are many benefits in kind. Approach these relationships in an open and friendly way, and you stand a good chance of escaping the hellish everyday stress of being at daggers drawn with people who live in close proximity.
Follow our golden rules to ensure that your neighbourly relations are cordial and civilised:
• When new neighbours move in, be quick to make friends. Pop round with a friendly smile, a cup of tea, and offers of help and advice (but only if it is solicited – coming across as the neighbourhood know-it-all may sour relationships at the outset).
• Once you have made friends with your neighbours you can enjoy many reciprocal favours. You can give them keys for when you get locked out, ask them to pop in and feed the cat if you’re away, they’ll know how to turn off the burglar alarm that mistakenly goes off when you’ve just left for your three-week holiday, they’ll take delivery of parcels for you.
• Always remember that neighbourliness is a reciprocal phenomenon. The favours you exact from your neighbours must be returned – that’s the deal.
• Encourage your children to make friends with theirs, especially if they’re of a comparable age; you can offload yours onto them for hours at a time, and vice versa. If you’ve got older kids who are keen to make money babysitting, offer this service to neighbours with young children.
• Be aware of the impact that your behaviour has on neighbours. Park sensibly, ensure that bin bags are safely contained within rubbish bins and keep your street frontage neat and tidy.
• Keep shared boundaries – hedges, fences, walls – well maintained. Encroaching growth or tumbledown fences can be a pressure point that starts many a neighbourly dispute.
• Keep an eye on your garden and be aware that prolific growth can have an impact on neighbours. Ensure that trees are kept well pruned and never impinge on next-door gardens or steal their light. If you’ve got a tree that sheds vast quantities of leaves or inedible windfalls on to the neighbour’s garden, offer to go round and bag up and dispose of the debris.
• Most neighbours should tolerate the sound of children playing on a warm summer’s evenings and accept that they are entitled to do so. However, it is always a good idea to keep an eye on children when they’re playing in the garden – if they are fighting a pitched battle – complete with bloodcurdling shrieks and water cannon – you might have to tell them to calm down.
• Try and be sociable with neighbours. Invite them round for the occasional drink or cup of tea, show them your new kitchen or greenhouse, engage with them on hot neighbourhood topics, for example traffic calming schemes and parking regulations. Coming together over a local cause is a good way of cementing bonds.
• Always warn neighbours if you are entertaining and there is likely to be noise and disruption. If you get on well enough with them, it’s a good idea to invite them to big parties and al fresco events.
• If you are having work done on your house, go round and tell the neighbours beforehand. Builder’s lorries, scaffolding and skips will cause real dismay if they suddenly appear without warning. Keep an eye on your builders and make sure they’re not deafening your neighbour with loud music or shouted conversations.
• If there are problems with the usual neighbour trigger points – noise, parking, rubbish disposal – try your best to negotiate the difficulties amicably and resist outright confrontation. Communicate calmly, show sympathy for their difficulties, behave ultra-reasonably. It is always better to say, “I do understand how difficult it is to find a parking space in this street, but I’m afraid you’re blocking my drive”, rather than shouting “what do you think you’re doing parking in front of my drive?”
• Avoid litigation if possible; once down the route of noise abatement orders and so on, you will always be nervous around your neighbours and the animosity might get out of hand. There are many creative and horrifying ways in which neighbours who feel victimised and persecuted by you can make your life hell.
Bullying comes in many forms – from playground torments to insidious workplace abuse. One of the worst manifestations is when a person who holds a position of power and authority abuses their status to bully and demean the people who answer to them.
This is performative, public bullying, desired to cause maximum shame and humiliation. It represents a total abandonment of accepted codes of civilised behaviour, and therefore is manifested in socially disinhibited behaviour – loss of temper, rage, anger, foul language – which we are taught from childhood to suppress. The assumption is that the bully can discard social norms with impunity because he/she is in a position of power, and their behaviour becomes a chest-beating powerplay, designed to assert their ‘superior’ status.
These bullies may delude themselves that their abuse is motivational, that they are calling out the shortcomings in their team members, spurring on their underlings to harder work and better performance. They congratulate themselves on being ‘tough bosses’, who make huge demands and expect their team to rise to them.
But they are blind to the fact that they create an atmosphere of stress and anxiety, where every team member lives in dread of becoming the next target. In the short term, this may drive them on to making superhuman efforts in order to avoid becoming the next casualty, but in the long term this is unsustainable. Inspiring fear and dread is not a good way of motivating people, or building a strong team – people work much more effectively if a sense of collaboration and cooperation is nurtured. Eventually team members will be ground down by their boss’s antics and crushed by the constant pressure – they may well leave, taking their expertise with them, or become whistle-blowers, who call out their boss, leading to his/her eventual downfall.
As with all bullying, it is probable that the intemperate behaviour stems from deep-seated anxiety and feelings of inadequacy, which are not acknowledged but instead are masked by a theatrical display of power. People in this position enjoy being feared and are proud of the hatred they inspire. Adult bullies may well have been bullied as children.
It is generally considered that behaviour is bullying if it is humiliating, offensive, intimidating, hostile or degrading and this damaging conduct needs to be called out and remedied wherever it is manifested. Bosses who are accused of bullying behaviour will inevitably defend themselves by asserting that their robust behaviour gets good results; they will probably deride their victim for being thin-skinned and over-sensitive. But their behaviour, especially if it is in public, will have been witnessed by many other people, and if you are making a complaint, it can be very useful to elicit their opinion.
Sometimes the bullying boss will take his or her abuse into the private sphere – haranguing the victim behind closed doors or sending offensive texts or emails. If this happens make a record of what has happened, including examples of offensive remarks, and retain all written evidence. The main priority is to report the problem to a manager, or to Human Resources, and to give them clear instances – and evidence, if it exists – of the behaviour.
It can often be a fine line between a tough boss and an abusive one, but this line must be drawn.
As the temperature begins to drop and the cold days of winter loom on the horizon, it’s time to consider the subject of outerwear. Britain’s notoriously unpredictable weather has inflicted many challenges for a nation that enjoys outdoor pursuits and open-air entertainment. It is scarcely surprising, therefore, that the British have developed an unrivalled range of warm and weatherproof garments.
Many of these – now fashionable – garments have utilitarian roots, evolving from Britain’s seafaring and military past, aided by the ingenious appliance of science. The invention of truly waterproof coats and footwear has made the great outdoors painlessly accessible even during the worst winter weather…
Britain is an island nation with a long maritime history, and many iconic British garments have their roots on board ship. Waxed cotton was first invented for the clipper fleet when linseed oil (extracted from the flax plants used to make linen) was used to treat cotton sails and seamen’s clothing. The treated cloth was waterproof but became stiff in cold weather.
In the 1930s a new process was invented, when cotton cloth was treated with cupro-ammonia and coated with paraffin wax. The new, more flexible, fabric became indispensable for robust outdoor wear, much favoured by farmers and gamekeepers.
The chemical treatments meant that the fabric was originally only available in black or dark olive. The olive could vary considerably, so it became traditional for olive waxed cotton garments to boast a standardised brown corduroy collar.
Now adopted as the uniform of Britain’s country classes, waxed cotton jackets have moved beyond their beginnings as practical workwear. They are de rigueur at any social gathering in the countryside where protection from the elements is paramount and are worn in preference to woollen overcoats – especially for horse racing, horse trials, point to points, shooting parties and country fairs – and are often accessorised with tweed caps, silk headscarves and wellington boots.
This ubiquitous and practical boot had its origins in British military history. Arthur Wellesley, first Duke of Wellington and the general who led his nation’s troops to victory at the Battle of Waterloo (1815), instructed his shoemaker, George Hoby of St James Street, London, to fashion a boot out of calfskin leather. The boot was an adaptation of the traditional ‘Hessian’ design, cut lower on the leg so they were more comfortable for riding.
Leather wellingtons proved enduringly popular – practical in battle, but appropriately stylish for evening wear.
Their transition to rubber boots followed the invention of the vulcanisation process for rubber by Charles Goodyear (1800–60). American entrepreneurs took the new technology to France, where waterproof rubber boots proved an immediate hit with farmers, and to Edinburgh, where rubber boots were manufactured from 1856 at the behest of an American named Henry Lee Norris. He believed that Scotland was a good place to manufacture wellingtons because of the country’s very high rainfall.
Wellingtons proved invaluable in the trenches of World War I, while in peacetime they kept fishermen’s feet dry and protected farmers from mud. Made of natural rubber with non-slip soles they were the ultimate practical footwear.
When manufacturers began to make them in a range of fashionable colours and patterns, wellington boots underwent another renaissance. They became the must-have footwear for country events, festivals and rainy days – a perfect fashion icon for a nation that enjoys the outdoor life, however unpredictable the weather.
The ubiquitous waxed jacket and wellington combination requires one final touch, the headgear. Women choose woollen or fake fur hats, or follow in the footsteps of the late Queen, and sport a simple square of brightly patterned silk, folded in half to make a triangle and tied in a neat bow under the chin.
Tweed caps are a popular choice for men, since they are both warm and water resistant. Their history can be traced back to a 1571 an Act of Parliament, which decreed that on Sundays and holidays all males aged six and over, who were not members of the nobility, should wear a woven wool cap. Although this Act was later repealed, the ‘flat cap’ had become the mark of the working man. At the other end of the spectrum members of the aristocracy and Royal Family adopted the tweed cap as practical headgear when out shooting, and it has now become a ubiquitous fashion icon.
The tweed cap is an outstanding testament to the beauty and utility of Scotland’s famous fabric, which has its roots in the Outer Hebrides, where islanders hand-wove their own wool to make a cloth that would help them withstand the harsh winters. This rough hand-dyed woollen fabric had a soft, open texture and was usually woven with a plain weave, or a herringbone or twill structure.
Tweed really took off when Queen Victoria and Prince Albert fell in love with Scotland, purchasing Balmoral Castle in 1852. Here they enjoyed hunting, fishing and shooting, and Britain’s aristocracy followed their monarch’s lead. Estate-owners wanted to provide distinctive clothing for their staff, and estate tweeds were invented. A large range of distinctive tweeds were woven to mirror the earthy colours of the Scottish landscape and reflect the estate owner’s pride. These were appropriated by the fashion industry in the 20th century and tweed became an international phenomenon.
The Victorians fetishised mourning, amassing a sombre array of customs and conventions (mourning clothes, elaborate funerals, black-edged stationery and so on) that – in an era of high mortality, especially amongst children – helped them get through frequent bereavements.
Today, we have dispensed with many of these trappings, aiming instead at an open, tolerant approach to the procedures surrounding death, allowing people to devise their own ways of mourning and memorialising their loved ones.
However, there are some customs that are still extremely valuable, and even in an age of texting, email and social media a handwritten letter of condolence is still recognised as an indispensable and time-honoured way of conveying your thoughts and good wishes to a bereaved person. As always, the very act of writing and the trouble you have taken – choosing the stationery, wielding the pen and ink, addressing the envelope, buying a stamp – sends a strong, yet subliminal message, of concern and empathy.
Write promptly after the death is announced and resist the temptation to simply purchase a generic card of the ‘with deepest sympathy’ variety. This is a lazy cop-out, allowing you to rely on the card to convey emotions that you should strive to articulate and communicate yourself.
Recipients
Letters are written to the individual closest to the deceased, who may be a spouse, partner, parent or sibling. Some people may write to the family member of their own generation they know best, or indeed to more than one person.
Style
Use your natural voice; the tone need not be too solemn (see example below). The letter should focus on the deceased, for example personal recollections, or a mention of distinguishing characteristics or great achievements. If you only knew the deceased slightly and are writing to support the bereaved person, more general expressions of sympathy are appropriate.
Don’t feel paralysed by your inability to convey deep emotions or profound insights – condolence letters are formal acknowledgments of what has happened, they are not a substitute for ongoing love and support.
Conventional phrases such as ‘I was so sorry to hear/read about your father...’ are perfectly acceptable. It is traditional to end the letter by saying no reply is necessary.
Replies
A response to letters of sympathy and condolence is not obligatory but many people will choose to reply in due course. If the bereaved person is old or infirm and has received a great many letters then it is quite acceptable to send a printed card, with the sender’s name and address on the top. The card should be signed by hand, and short personal message can be added, if desired.
Traditionally, the wording was in the third person, for example:
Mrs Emma Carmichael would like to thank you very much for your kind letter on the death of her husband.
She has been unable to reply personally to the many hundreds of letters she received but hopes that all those who took the trouble to write will understand and be assured that their letters were much appreciated at this difficult time and will be treasured in the months to come.
It is quite acceptable for the card to be written less formally and in the first person:
I would like to thank you very much for your kind letter on the death of James.
Although I have been unable to reply personally to the many letters I have received, please be assured that your letter was much appreciated at this difficult time and will be treasured in the months to come.
The bereaved person may also want to write personal letters to thank any individuals who have been especially supportive or helpful, have taken part in the funeral service, or perhaps travelled a very long way to come to the funeral.
Sample Condolence Letter
This is an example of a typical condolence letter, with explanatory annotations in italics. It is by no means prescriptive, but may be a helpful start at a difficult time:
Dear Charlotte,
General condolence, followed by a reference to your own relationship with the person
I was so very sorry to hear that your father had died. He was a wonderful man and will be very much missed by all who knew him. I have so many happy memories of our childhood holidays together and his amazing sandcastles and our adventurous if not always very fruitful mackerel fishing expeditions.
About the person
Your father was always so encouraging to young people and I can remember him being so kind and helpful when I was worried about leaving my first job and going off to Australia.
Good wishes and sympathy to the family
Please do give mY love to your mother and tell her how sorry I am. Even though he had been so ill it must be a terrible shock, as I know it was for my mother.
Good wishes from the writer’s family
Tom and the children send their very best wishes to you all. Tom fondly remembers their shared sense of humour, not to mention their love of real ale.
Conventional reassurance to end
Please do not reply.
With much love
Jane
In 1605 Parliament was the focus of dissent and conspiracy, when a group of thirteen Roman Catholics, led by Guido (Guy) Fawkes, plotted to blow up Parliament and kill King James I, a Protestant ruler who sought to rid the country of Catholicism. The plot was foiled and the 36 barrels of gunpowder that had been secreted in a cellar beneath the House of Lords, were never exploded. The conspirators were tried for treason and brutally executed.
On the night that the plot was discovered, bonfires were set alight to proclaim the safety of the King. The event, which has resonated throughout the centuries, is known as Bonfire Night. On 5 November the near-assassination of the King is commemorated with bonfires, fireworks and burning effigies of Guy Fawkes.
The dark roots of this annual festival have been subsumed by the intervening centuries. Most people now see it as a chance to eat char-grilled sausages and potatoes, get together with friends, and enjoy the fireworks that light up the sky all over the country. In some parts of England, in particular Kent and Sussex, the bonfire traditions have been more resilient. In the town of Lewes, the 5 November is also used to commemorate the burning of 17 Protestant martyrs in the town during the reign of Queen Mary in the 16thcentury. Other towns and villages have their own Bonfire Societies, which prepare all year for the celebrations, which include elaborate parades, costumes, spectacular firework displays, bonfires and the burning of increasingly topical effigies – Guy Fawkes has been supplanted by a selection of figures in the news, from Vladimir Putin and Osama bin Laden to Saddam Hussein, Donald Trump and Boris Johnson.
Some people see Bonfire Night as a kind of extension of Halloween – an opportunity to enjoy a week of fireworks and celebrations. Others still maintain that Halloween in its present version is an American import and prefer to adhere to the uniquely English ritual of Bonfire Night. Many people will eschew purchasing their own fireworks and opt for the safe spectacle of civic displays, but for others the opportunity to build a bonfire and let off fireworks is a major thrill.
For people who love their own pyrotechnics, and who are planning a back garden bonfire celebration, it is sensible to keep your fireworks well within the law, and to be hyper-aware of the impact on neighbours:
• If you’re having a bonfire night party, warn the neighbours, and preferably invite them. Be particularly meticulous about this if you know they have dogs and cats. Many pets are completely petrified of fireworks and will need to be shut up for the night.
• It is generally understood that fireworks on private property should not be let off after midnight on Bonfire Night, so observe the curfew, and don’t torture the neighbourhood with ear-splitting bangs and whistles. Check local by-laws to ensure that more strict guidelines have not been imposed in your locale.
• It is against the law to set off fireworks in the street or in other public places without permission from the local council, so if that happens you are quite entitled to complain to the police.
• You are permitted to have a bonfire in your garden, but there are laws against burning any substances that might release harmful fumes – this will include plastic, rubber or painted items. If you stick to firewood, you won’t be endangering anyone’s health, and your bonfire will be delightfully aromatic. If you’re going to burn a guy, ensure that it is made of natural materials (eg fabric and straw).
• It is vitally important that you keep your bonfire contained, and that the smoke is not causing a nuisance, or obscuring visibility on an adjacent road. Be aware that if your fire gets out of control or damages a neighbour’s property (for example by burning a fence), you will be liable for any destruction and costs incurred. To minimise any risk, it is always a good idea to set your fire on soil, rather than on a grassy or overgrown part of the garden, which can easily ignite if dry.
• Light fireworks at arm’s length, using a taper, then stand back. Never throw a firework. Don’t go near fireworks that have been lit – even if they haven’t gone off they could still explode. Have buckets of water handy for emergencies – they’re also useful for cooling down spent sparklers, which can get very hot (hold them in gloved hands). Never leave matches or lighters lying around.
•Safety is paramount, especially where children are concerned. If you have invited round friends with children, you must do your utmost to ensure that they are supervised at all times, kept well away from the fireworks, and not allowed to encroach on the bonfire where flying sparks are a real hazard.
• If you are holding a bonfire party, be careful about alcohol. Try and have the firework display before too much drink has been consumed, as disinhibition and danger really don’t mix. It’s probably a good idea, therefore, to serve drinks and food well away from the bonfire.
• Ideally, make one sensible adult responsible for supervising the bonfire. They can keep it stoked up, ensure that it’s not getting out of hand (have some buckets of water nearby just in case), and they can also ensure that it is properly extinguished at the end of the evening – pour water over it, stamp on the embers, then spread sand over them.
• If you hate the whole hullabaloo of Bonfire Night, try to be tolerant. It isn’t against the law to light bonfires in private gardens, or to let off fireworks before midnight. The whole thing might make you feel grouchy, but you may very well not have any legitimate grounds for complaint. So try to resist the urge to protest, recognise that your neighbours are entitled to celebrate and convince yourself that it’s an exceptional circumstance. Early November can feel like a cacophony of deafening explosions (especially as people seem to celebrate for several days before and after the 5th), but it will soon be over.
We all know that compliments oil the wheels of social intercourse – a positive remark about a person’s appearance creates a warm glow that will permeate any interaction. But when did you last give somebody genuine praise?
Praise is different from compliments, because it focuses on behaviour and character traits, rather than on physical traits or specific abilities. If you tell your host that their signature dish was delicious, you’re giving a compliment; if you say “you’re such a good cook”, you’re giving praise. In a work context, if you tell your colleague who was giving an important presentation “you looked really smart”, you’re giving a compliment; if you say “your PowerPoint was really well put together”, you’re giving praise.
It should be obvious to most of us that giving praise where praise is due is an excellent way, especially in the world of work, of ensuring that people are positive and well-motivated. It ensures that they feel noticed and that their efforts are being endorsed. Given the positive benefits, it is surprising how many of us are miserly about giving praise and positive approbation.
Employees who feel that they are labouring away in a back room, unnoticed and unrecognised, are far more likely to quit and move on. If you want to retain valuable employees, or ensure that your team is working well together, remember that giving praise is an excellent way of boosting their commitment.
Think about using the following techniques:
• Focus on individuals
Signal out individuals who have made an outstanding contribution for special praise. While it’s always good to boost a team, generalised praise can feel bland and diffuse, whereas focusing on an individual who has done exceptional work is targeted and effective.
• Praise the unsung heroes
It’s easy to be bewitched by super-confident, articulate team-members, because they always seem to make an impact. But you should remind yourself that much of the most effective hard work may be in the hands of quiet, conscientious, super-efficient employees, who prefer to remain in the background. It’s always a good idea to recognise that they’re indispensable.
• Concentrate on the positive
Don’t get too bogged down in mistakes. Everybody makes errors, and of course these should be noted so that people can learn from their mistakes. But if your tendency is to focus much more on failures than successes, you will rapidly find that you’ve got a thoroughly de-motivated team on your hands. Try and offset criticisms with praise, and don’t dwell on the negatives.
• Try and be specific
A throwaway and generic “well done everyone” is easily forgettable. But if you focus in on one particular thing – “I thought the way you used the data and graphics in the presentation to make the argument was really persuasive”, it will be memorable.
• Pass praise on
If you’re dealing with a client or a member of the public who makes positive remarks about one of your employees or colleagues, be sure to tell them straight away, and always add your own endorsement. Praise should always be disseminated, not hoarded.
• Give credit where credit is due
All too often, an overworked or distracted manager or team leader ascribes success to the wrong person or overlooks the hours of background work that has gone into a brilliant presentation, sales pitch or client meeting. The person who fronts up a project, handles the presentation or interfaces with the client is often the recipient of all the praise, whereas their job would have been impossible without the support and hard work of colleagues. It is very important for managers and team leaders to be observant and pay attention, and to ensure that they understand exactly how the workload has been distributed amongst colleagues. If you find yourself the recipient of praise and feel that it would be better directed, or shared, elsewhere, it is always a good idea to point this out – hogging the limelight is never attractive and colleagues may be understandably resentful if they feel you’re elbowing them out.
• Never damn with faint praise
You should always give wholehearted praise, and if you really don’t feel that the situation warrants it, don’t give it. Nobody wants to be on the receiving end of a loaded comment like, “I’m quite surprised you managed to put a report together, considering you know so little about the topic.” If you give praise grudgingly, it will come across as a stifled criticism, and this kind of passive aggression has no role in the workplace.
There has been much talk in the media about the ways in which people in Britain still feel discriminated against because of their regional accent. There is a huge diversity of regional accents in Britain, which bring colour and personality to the language, and this should be celebrated not denigrated. There are no good or bad accents – verbal communication is about clear diction, not pronunciation. It goes without saying that commenting adversely on a person’s pronunciation or indicating that it is not ‘correct’ is the height of bad manners.
Many of these problems stem from the notion of ‘received pronunciation’, a phrase that was first coined in the 1869. It is also known as the ‘Queen’s English’ or ‘Oxford English’. Received pronunciation is an accent, not a dialect; its speakers use Standard English, avoiding non-standard constructions and local vocabulary. It is therefore impossible to detect the geographical origins of RP-speakers. It is estimated that only 3 per cent of English-speakers in the UK use Received Pronunciation.
Received Pronunciation originated in the public schools and universities during the 19th century, which were populated by members of the ruling elite. Their speech patterns – based on a geographical nexus that embraced London, Oxford and Cambridge – came to be associated with the middle-class Establishment.
In 1922 the BBC selected Received Pronunciation as a broadcasting standard (it is also called BBC English), believing that this standard pronunciation would be widely understood throughout the UK and overseas. However, RP represented only a very small social minority, and this decision effectively excluded regional accents from the airwaves, probably contributing to negative perceptions of regional accents.
For much of the 20th century Received Pronunciation represented the voice of education, authority and power. For this reason, people who sought social advancement often felt it was necessary to modify their accent, thereby disguising their regional roots. This has changed in recent years, and a vast range of accents are represented in all walks of life – from media, sport, the arts to the traditional strongholds of RP such as politics, the City and academia.
Old habits die hard, however, and recent research would seem to indicate that there is still discrimination against regional accents. Because of the traditional associations of RP with the corridors of power, it would appear that some diehards feel that it is permissible to patronise people who do not speak Standard English, or even feel it is legitimate to offer advice on ‘correct’ pronunciation.
The only time it is ever acceptable to correct someone’s pronunciation is if they mispronounce your name, in which case it is fine to gently repeat it with the correct pronunciation – perhaps with an acknowledgment if it happens to be unusual or difficult to get right.
The new academic year is usually an exciting time for everybody; there is a sense of novelty for pupils who have just started at school, and even for those who are coming back, there’s the feeling of a fresh start, a chance to get together with old friends, as well as some unfamiliar faces and intriguing possibilities. Initially at least, it is a largely positive time, suffused with a sense of optimism about all the wonderful opportunities that might lie ahead. However, this is not always the case…
Hot on the heels of our advice about how navigate parents’ evenings at school, we received a question from a parent who wanted to know how to deal with ‘unsatisfactory teacher experience’. Her situation is not an uncommon one; her son complains he is not learning anything from the new teacher, and he feels that the other groups are doing better work. From the parent’s point of view, there are several factors to consider.
Whilst there is often consensus amongst students as to which teachers are ‘good’ and which are deemed less so, the experience that a student has of an individual teacher is deeply personal and can vary hugely from subject to subject and student to student. A teacher recruitment advertisement in the late 1990s in the UK ran with the strap line, ‘you always remember a good teacher’. For many of us it prompted a nostalgic conversation about our own teachers and the impact that some made on our lives, none more movingly than former Arsenal Striker turned TV presenter Ian Wright’s tribute to his teacher and mentor Sydney Pigden.
Not many of us have had Ian Wright’s experience but we can all concede that a good teacher is the teacher that engages us in their subject, perhaps when we thought that was an impossible goal, and helps us to achieve and often surpass our expectations and those of others.
Ask your child to try to be specific about what it is that isn’t working and what, if anything, they have done to let the teacher know.
It is quite possible that your child enjoyed a great relationship with his/her previous teacher and has been slightly wrong footed by a new approach. The first few weeks of term are all about pupils and teachers getting to know each other and a quiet word at a parents’ evening or a quick email just to ask how the teacher thinks your child is doing as they are feeling a little unsettled, might be a good place to start.
Sometimes, whether they liked a teacher or not, when they move on children can be disorientated by having to get to know a new teacher and feel frustrated by the prospect of building a new relationship. The older the students and the longer their experience with the former teacher, the more difficult it is for them to adapt.
Although there is much in place nowadays in terms of rigorous teacher training and ‘best practice guidelines’, teachers are very different, and each one has their own areas of specialism and preferred teaching style, which will naturally develop the more experienced the teacher becomes. Some teachers are brilliant when it comes to their subject knowledge but perhaps less adept at delivering that to the students, whereas others may not be quite so expert, but work extremely hard to ensure that all children can access the subject.
It is not always easy when you first arrive at a school as a member of staff to get a feel for the culture of the school. This can be especially difficult when you’re faced with a class of students who are eager to learn, as students, particularly more academically able students, can find it challenging to admit in front of their peers that they don’t understand something. Teachers should not expect to be their students’ friend, but they do have a duty of care to ensure that every child in their class makes progress.
Bearing all this in mind and given that the new school year is still relatively young, it is a good idea to start with a gentle word/email of enquiry. This will be particularly effective if you explain that you want to support your child, who is motivated to do well but is feeling a bit unsettled. This might prompt a discussion and a rethink in terms of teaching approach. Always start with a positive – mention how much your child enjoys this subject, but then note that he/she has become a little disheartened… is this something that the teacher has noticed too? Is there something that can be done to get them back on track? A positive, collaborative approach is usually the most productive.
Even if others in the class feel the same, only focus on your child, don’t be tempted to cite any other child’s experience to reinforce your position as this will tend to put the teacher/school on the defensive. If other parents also feel strongly about the teacher, tell them to do what you are doing.
It is always possible that you are dealing with a worst-case scenario – this really is a bad experience and your child is not making the progress that they should. If this is the case, you should be aware that there will be a chain of command in place, and the teacher will have a Head of Department who is responsible for the performance management of the staff and ensuring that all pupils are making the progress that they should. If you have tried the conciliatory and supportive approach in the first instance, and the evidence is there to show that progress is not being made, you will have to escalate your complaint and take it up the chain of command. It is not unreasonable to expect the school to put strategies in place to support your child and, for that matter, the teacher.
Those of us who have risen to the Sober October challenge, and have eschewed alcohol for a month in order to raise money for Macmillan Cancer Support, may well be breathing a sigh of relief as November dawns… Christmas is now looming, and the period of winter sociability is beckoning. With Christmas entertaining and celebrations in mind, we’ve been taking a look at the contents of our drinks cabinets.
Spirits and cocktails are increasingly fashionable and if you aspire to a respectable drinks cabinet, you should certainly equip yourself with a range of spirits, and the means to offer both aperitifs and digestifs to your guests. You might feel that you should dispense with the more extreme versions of cocktail-making (replete with umbrellas, sparklers and fruit salads), and leave the theatrical concoctions and dramatic cocktail-shaking to the professionals. But you should certainly be able to offer your guests a timeless classic, such as gin and tonic.
Many spirits come laden with the dogma of expertise; pour a blended whisky on the rocks for an aficionado and await their withering censure. True whisky connoisseurs are safest spending more than less – being forced to settle for no-frill cheap brands is considered as distasteful as swigging out of a bottle.
To some extent, the traditional rules around serving spirits have been diluted by fashion, so take them or leave them. But remind yourself that, traditionally, whisky should be served in a heavy-bottomed tumbler with an accompanying small jug of still, room temperature water. It should be sipped languorously. Water allows the nuances of the flavours to open up, so chilling it with ice prevents the aromas from unfolding. Honour the quality of the bottle; save the very best for those who will appreciate the rare offering.
Ouzo, absinthe and pastis should also be served with water (and ice to taste). Keep vodka in the freezer. Cognoscenti believe that ice should be made with distilled water, as there will be no impurities causing cloudiness. However, it will make no difference to the taste.
Beyond mere drunkenness, some spirits have secondary effects – good and bad. Tequila is an upper, absinthe a mind-opener, not least because it’s high in proof; to some it’s the green fairy, to others green poison), and gin a depressant (take heed if you are prone to getting maudlin when you drink).
Aperitifs, or before-dinner drinks, should both stimulate the appetite and awaken the palate, as well as, critically, aid sociability. You should not, therefore, serve overly sweet, fruity or complex aperitifs before dinner. A White Russian, for example, (vodka, coffee liqueur and cream) will summon disapproving sighs; an aperitif should not be permitted to suppress hunger or numb taste buds. If in doubt, you can always opt for a non-spirits-based aperitif such as sherry or vermouth.
The rule for serving aperitifs is generally to opt for clear spirits over dark ones. You will never go wrong with a stylish dry martini (gin and vermouth garnished with an olive or lemon peel), though beware, it contains no mixers, and is therefore very potent. If you’re stuck in a mind-blank panic, stick to a classic such as gin and tonic. Gin has become a connoisseur’s drink in recent years, and hundreds of local distillers are turning out exotic blends, which use fragrant spices and fresh citrus fruits as well as the traditional juniper. Follow manufacturer’s recommendations and choose a tonic water that complements the specific blend.
Digestifs (after-dinner drinks) may not do much to aid digestion, but they are undoubtedly effective nightcaps. They are usually more alcoholic than an aperitif (and usually served neat): safe options include darker spirits such as brandy, cognac, Armagnac and whisky. Brandy is a distilled spirit made from fermented fruit juice; it can be made using grapes or fruit (Calvados, for example, is made from fermented apples). Cognac, on the other hand, is made from white grapes from a specific wine-producing region in southwestern France. Cognac is distilled twice, whereas Armagnac – which comes from the Gascony region of southwestern France – is distilled once. Whatever its provenance, serve brandy or cognac in bulbous brand balloons that can be cradled in the palms to warm the spirit, intensifying the dark bouquet and enhancing the flavour.
A household drinks cabinet should include a selection of glasses (Martini, highballs, tumblers, balloons) and basic cocktail making equipment (muddler, shaker, strainer). Stockpile all-purpose spirits (vodka, gin, Cointreau, bourbon, rum, whisky). Ensure that you have plentiful supplies of lemons and limes. You will also need Angostura Bitters (an aromatic blend of herbs and spices from the Caribbean that is an essential ingredient in pink gin and greatly enhances a classic Mojito) and Crème de Cassis, a blackcurrant liqueur that is essential for making Kir Royale, a champagne cocktail. Include a standard array of mixers (ginger ale, cranberry juice, orange juice, tonic water, soda water) and you’re ready to start serving.
