Main image: Abbotsford House, Scottish Borders
We are all aware of Britain’s rich heritage of historic houses, castles and gardens, and many of us enjoy visiting stately homes that have been preserved for the nation, which welcome large numbers of visitors and offer a carefully curated and informative experience.
Debrett's has partnered with Historic Houses, the country’s largest collection of independent historic houses, castles and gardens. These are properties that may be owned by individuals and families, whose ownership of the property stretches back for centuries, or by charitable trusts, businesses and institutions. Historic Houses is a cooperative association that represents, advises and supports owners so that they can make their properties accessible to the general public. Sharing their own history allows them to invest in the future of their houses, safeguarding our heritage for generations to come. Hundreds of Historic Houses member places open as tourist attractions, and most of those offer free admission to Historic Houses members.
But now imagine the thrill of delving deeper into our past and gaining access to hundreds more privately owned houses that only admit visitors on rare occasions, for very special owner-guided tours. That’s one of the extra treats awaiting those who explore Historic Houses' 'Invitation to View' offering.
Private owners are the custodians of their own legacy; by inviting members of the public into their homes they are greatly enriching Britain’s historic and cultural landscape, and anyone who joins their tours should be appreciative of the access they are being offered. It is imperative, therefore, that visitors to historic houses are polite and considerate, ready to listen and learn, and appreciative of the insights they have gained on their visit.
Most historic houses are not set up to welcome younger children (under the age of fourteen), because they are often packed with fragile contents. If you do want to bring younger children, you will need to check with the owner in advance and see if they are able to accommodate you – don’t just turn up on the day with small children in tow.
Hosts will be very happy to try and accommodate any dietary or access requirements you may have but will only be able to do so if you give them plenty of advance warning. Many private houses are not easy to get around for those who have trouble with stairs, or walking or standing for long periods, and teas cannot always be laid on that cater for all possible allergies, intolerances, or religious prohibitions, so if you are affected by any of those things, seek advice about whether or not you’ll get the best out of a tour before booking.
It would be rude to keep a house-owner, and other visitors, waiting, so make sure you’re not late. However, you should also ensure you don’t arrive too early, because the owners may well be preparing for your visit and it can be awkward to put away lawn mowers or tidy up children’s rooms when guests have already arrived and are waiting in the garden. There is an ideal arrival window of somewhere between fifteen and five minutes before the advertised start time.
You really don’t need to bring large bags with you – many houses won’t have the facilities to store them while you’re on your tour. Avoid carrying rucksacks, which can be very hazardous in confined spaces. It’s easy to forget that you’ve got a bulky object on your back, and many a precious vase has been smashed by someone wearing a rucksack turning around in a tight space….
Nobody will be dressed up for the tour, so choose clothes that are warm (you may well be looking at the garden) and comfortable. Under no circumstances should you wear stiletto heels, which can wreak terrible damage on wooden floors and other fragile surfaces. You will be doing a lot of standing, so it is sensible to wear flat, comfortable shoes.
These tours offer the great privilege of giving you access to someone’s home. You will be taken into essentially private spaces, and you must respect that this is an act of trust. It would be entirely inappropriate to open closed cupboards or pick up personal items. The owners will certainly appreciate your interest and curiosity, but they do not want to feel that strangers are prying into their private lives.
Questions are always welcomed. You may have thought of some before your visit, based on your knowledge of the house, family, or area, or they may occur to you as you go round. They’re a chance to learn, and to help the group learn. Asking genuine questions is a great way of showing your host your interest and appreciation and may even entice them to share further stories or spaces.
We are all compulsive photographers nowadays, ever ready to take pictures on our phones and post them on our social media accounts. But when you are visiting someone’s home, it is imperative that you ask the permission of the owner and check specifically that they are comfortable with photographs being shared. There have been cases in which photos posted online have revealed key pieces of information about security, helping burglars to raid houses and take valuable historic artefacts.
Most tours end with tea and cake or even a light meal. This is an excellent opportunity to talk further with your host, and with other tour guests. You’re likely to have a lot in common with other people who enjoy these tours, and it’s a great way to meet new, like-minded people. So, rather than hunkering down at the corner table, be friendly and open and show that you are willing to chat.
It is only polite to take a few moments to say thank you to your host for the time they have given you and the insights they have shared.
At a time when violent disagreements and unseemly spats are part of our daily news diet, when social media is awash with dissent and recriminations and pitched battles between so-called colleagues appear to have become the norm, we have been contemplating the elusive goals of conformity and consensus.
We have turned to ‘How to Behave’ (1856), a comprehensive guide to etiquette and manners by Samuel Roberts Wells, and note that it speaks, in its customary magisterial tones, on the subject as follows:
“Conformity is an implied condition in the social compact. It is a practical recognition of the rights of others and shows merely a proper regard for their opinions and feelings. If you cannot sing in tune with the rest, or on the same key, remain silent. You may be right and the others wrong, but that does not alter the case. Convince them, if you can, and bring them to your pitch, but never mar even a low accord.”
Mr Wells rightly recognises that, even if agreement in a group or professional body is partial or not truly heartfelt, it behoves you – especially in a public position where your behaviour is open to scrutiny – to conform to the general view. Open dissent will detract from fragile consensus; discussion, disagreement and persuasion, which can be both challenging and constructive, should never be allowed to publicly undermine the appearance of accord.
“You may choose your company, but having chosen it, you must conform to its rules till you can change them. You are not compelled to reside in Rome; but if you choose to live there, you must ‘do as the Romans do’.”
You are entitled to choose your own alliances and associations, both social and professional, but once you have done so you should adhere loyally to their prevailing beliefs.
“We are sovereign individuals and are born with certain ‘inalienable rights’; but we are also members of that larger individual society, and our rights cannot conflict with the duties which grow out of that relation. If by means of our non-conformity we cause ourselves to be cut off, like an offending hand, or plucked out, like an offending eye, our usefulness is at once destroyed.”
Our individual goals, aspirations and ambitions may conflict with any group enterprise in which we have chosen to participate. We should be aware that asserting our refusal to conform with a consensus may well exclude us from a position where we have the power to influence it.
These general principles should be borne in mind in any situation where you are seeking consensus or competent and harmonious decision-making. In the professional context, effective teams strive for consensus in the following ways:
A forum is created in which each person in the team is given the opportunity to make suggestions or float ideas in a group discussion. It is essential at this point that everybody gets a fair hearing and that ideas are not shot down, dismissed or derided.
Once the ideas are all on the table, the group can jointly review them, ask for further explanation, maybe consider combining similar ideas, and work together to effectively prioritise them according to their effectiveness.
The team is given the opportunity to cast their votes for the ideas that have been tabled. In successive rounds ideas that receive less than half the votes are eliminated, until a final vote can be held on three to five items.
If the team is divided down the middle and no clear option has emerged, this is the time for a further discussion, and at this point – if you are the stand-out who refuses to conform with the rest of the group, you will need to think about the wise words of Mr Wells and decide whether you are prepared, for the sake of resolution and harmony, to compromise.
Remember that, if you can make significant compromises to achieve consensus, there will be many benefits. The decisions that the team makes will have taken into account all the different perspectives of the team. By collaborating to reach a decision, the individual members of the team are more likely to feel well-disposed towards their colleagues, and less likely to experience feelings of rivalry or resentment, which often come from being overlooked or ignored. Eliminating disgruntled losers and ensuring that everyone is invested in the decisions made ensures that any agreed next steps are more likely to be implemented effectively.
Many parents greet the ritual of the parent-teacher evening with a mixture of dread and anticipation. It may well be a bit of a maelstrom and you may feel that time is too short or massively curtailed, but at least you will have an opportunity to discuss your child’s progress and get to know teaching staff a bit better.
Given the time pressures, you will need to maximise the value of your 10–15-minute slot. This means asking sensible questions, listening carefully to what the teacher has to say, and avoiding getting side-tracked into fascinating, but irrelevant, conversational cul-de-sacs. You should also see parents’ evenings as another opportunity to meet and get to know fellow parents, which will be beneficial to your child’s social life. It is very important that you observe the social niceties, and don’t get incensed by teachers over-running or bad queuing etiquette. You don’t want to get a reputation as the stroppy parent who always makes a scene on these occasions.
We’ve put together some advice for navigating these important occasions:
You will need to follow the school’s advice and guidance on this. Many primary schools prefer to see parents alone, and if you have to bring your child along, they may well be able to play with their classmates while you chat. Some secondary schools encourage parents to bring their children, as they feel that participating in the conference encourages them to take responsibility for their own educational progress and priority-setting.
These events, especially in secondary schools, are highly orchestrated and their success is completely dependent on parents cooperating and following guidelines. While at primary school, you will only need to attend one meeting with your child’s class teacher, at secondary school you may have a long list of teachers to see, especially if your child is doing GCSEs. You will be able to book slots ahead and it is very important that you try to stick to them, and don’t encourage the teacher to overrun their allotted time slot when they’re seeing you. Once the booking system gets out of kilter, there will be all sorts of knock-on effects, and the whole event will become stressful.
Inevitably, there will be timetabling glitches, even in the best-run events and you will need to keep calm and flexible. If you arrive late at your meeting, through no fault of your own, barging up to the teacher and demanding that you be seen immediately, even if other parents are already in consultation, is unacceptable. You will have to sit it out, wait patiently; if there are two of you, you might need to split up to maintain your evening’s timetable. It’s very frustrating but shouting at teachers or berating other parents is counter-productive and may cause your child acute embarrassment.
Once you are seated opposite the teacher, you may feel that you have been given a carte blanche to discuss your favourite subject, your child. But you are at the school to discuss educational and social progress, not to indulge in meandering digressions your child’s eating, sleeping or tv habits. You might find this kind of discussion endlessly fascinating, but the teacher will be champing at the bit, anxious to get on to the evening’s main business.
Some parents find it helpful to jot down questions before the parents' evening, which will help ensure they remain focussed. Try to avoid asking general, open questions of the “how is Jamie getting on?” variety. Instead, keep the conversation focused by asking questions like “is Jamie on target/meeting expectations/working at above or below average?” If you have specific concerns (reading ability, focus in class etc), now is the time to raise them. It is also a good idea to ask about your child’s learning behaviour: does he/she participate fully in class discussions, appear engaged and interested? or, is he or she non-engaged, fidgety and distracted? If the latter is the case, ask the teachers about ways this can be addressed.
Here are some useful questions:
Is my child progressing in line with the school’s expectations?
What can he or she do to improve?
Is there anything he or she does particularly well or badly?
How much time should homework take?
Does he or she contribute in lessons?
How does my child get along with classmates?
What can I do to help?
We are all prone to judging our own children in relation to their contemporaries. It is very common for parents to ask how their child is doing compared to other classmates, in effect to ask for their class ranking. Teachers will not engage in this kind of discussion, so don’t waste their time.
Now is a good time – especially if your child has just started school or is in primary school – to check that they have settled in, are behaving well, making friends, socialising successfully. It can be very hard to get reliable answers to these questions from the child and you need to be observant about their social progress so that any problems can be nipped in the bud.
Teachers move in a world that is full of acronyms, mysterious grading systems and jargon-filled discourse. You are not an educational expert and may feel baffled and alienated by some of the terminology the teacher uses. If that is the case, just ask for an explanation. You are not expected to know these things, and teachers can easily get carried away and forget that you are very unlikely to do so.
‘Helicopter’ parents, who anxiously supervise every aspect of their child’s school life, or ‘tiger’ parents, who are fiercely ambitious for their children, can be the bane of teachers’ lives. Instead of arriving at the consultation with an open mind, they turn up with an agenda, make tyrannical demands, take copious notes. They lay down the law, rather than listening carefully and sensitively to what they are being told, and teachers feel patronised and disrespected.
If you know that your child is enjoying school, or is stimulated by a certain teacher’s lessons, take the trouble to say so. Parent-teachers’ evenings are exhausting for teachers, who will feel dispirited by a ceaseless barrage of questions and demands. Teachers are only human; they appreciate positive approbation.
If you have criticisms of the school, the teaching, negative feedback about the classroom dynamic, the workload etc., this is not really the forum for a full discussion. You can certainly indicate that you are dissatisfied or concerned, and then ask if it would be possible to schedule a meeting at another time to discuss these issues. Whatever you do, don’t manifest any aggression towards the teacher in question – you will be labelled as a troublemaker, and the teacher will become defensive and uncommunicative. Approach all problems with an “I’m sure if we put our heads together, we can work it out” mentality.
Inevitably you will find yourself sitting next to other parents as you wait for your consultation sessions. Now is the time to be sociable and friendly. Chat with other parents but keep it light – don’t immediately dive into in-depth criticisms of the school or the teachers (which other parents may find alienating). Try and avoid talking about your children’s progress; if you start swapping notes with other parents, you could fall into the boasting trap, or needlessly feed your own insecurities about your child’s progress. Be discreet and save these questions for the teacher.
In an increasingly informal world, it is easy to think that invitations don’t matter. The assumption is that a WhatsApp message or text will surely suffice, and for many events this is undoubtedly true. But, as a rule of thumb, the more planning, forethought, expense and ambition that you put into an event, the more important it is to get the invitations right. A well designed, clearly worded invitation is an eloquent social telegram, which your guests will need to decode. It will be sent out sufficiently early to alert them to the date, give them practical information (timings, venue, running order etc), and it will also give them much more subtle messages about the nature of the event (level of formality, dress codes etc).
Text invitations are extremely casual and throwaway and should not be used for anything other than very informal get-togethers (eg ‘Would you like to pop round for a glass of wine on Friday evening – around 6pm?). They should only be sent to people you know well, with whom you regularly socialise – you won’t have to load your short text message with extra information, such as your address.
Email invitations are acceptable for an informal event, but you should concede that they are a convenient substitute for an invitation, so don’t attempt to ‘mimic’ the real thing in the body of the email, which looks cheapskate.
Just write a short note explaining that you’re having a few friends round for an informal supper, for example. Make sure you mention the start time and venue (if it’s not taking place at home). If you would like a reply, say so in words, eg ‘let me know if you can make it’, rather than using the invitation code of RSVP. Add your full address under your sign-off, which will be a useful reminder for guests, and will mean they have your postcode easily available for Satnavs.
The term ‘printed’ covers a range of processes, from home-printed on lightweight card, to digitally printed at your local printshop, to engraved on thick card by a professional printer.
At the very least, these should include the following information:
• The name of the host and/or hostess.
• The name of the guest/s: this can be handwritten in the top left-hand corner or handwritten in the body of the invitation.
• The words of invitation reflect the formality of the event (‘request the pleasure of...’ is formal; ‘are having a party to celebrate…’ is informal).
• The nature of the event (drinks, cocktails, party, dinner). This may be placed in the bottom right-hand corner.
• The time and place where the event will take place
• RSVP (if this is to a different address than the party venue, then it should be given under the letters RSVP, usually in left-hand bottom corner. Alternatively, a mobile phone number or email address can be specified).
• If there is a dress code it should be stipulated in the bottom right-hand corner, eg ‘Black tie’ or ‘Smart casual’. If you are indicating the nature of the event (eg ‘Dinner and dancing’) in the bottom right (see above), this information should go above the dress code.
The style of the invitation should mirror the nature of the event. So don’t use an elaborate Copperplate script typeface or grandiose language like ‘Decorations’ and ‘Carriages at 2 o’clock’ if you’re having an informal party. Don’t say ‘cocktails’ if you’re providing a fruit punch, or ‘canapés’ if you’re planning on handing round sausages on sticks and bowls of crisps. Guests will use the invitations to gauge the nature of the event, and you don’t want to mislead or disappoint them. If your event is formal, however, follow the conventional design and typography, and use a standard sized invitation card of good texture, usually about 6x4.5 inches (15 x 11 cm)
White or cream card and a classic serif typeface, such as Garamond or Baskerville, are a safe and elegant default position for less formal events. However, the comparative neutrality of the design may be more challenging for guests who are trying to decipher the nature of the event, so you might have to pay more attention to the wording you use, or give some clue through the dress codes. You could say, for example, ‘drinks and buffet’ and specify ‘elegantly casual’.
If, on the other hand, you want to convey a very specific message about an event (eg a nostalgic party to celebrate a 60th birthday) then it is perfectly acceptable to use typography, colour, photographs etc. to create a strong message about what your guests can expect.
Whatever the nature of the event, do think carefully about the font you choose; it would probably be misleading to use a zany script like Comic Sans for a party to celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary, where you are paying tribute to an older couple and want to inject a little dignity into the design. On the other hand, Comic Sans may well be entirely appropriate for an 18th-birthday bash. If you want to imply that your event will be refreshingly contemporary, untrammeled by hidebound traditions, then perhaps you could choose a modern sans serif typeface, such as Helvetica, Gill, Futura or Franklin Gothic to subtly convey this.
Many hosts will fret about the possibility of their party being invaded by a horde of unpredictable, and occasionally intolerable, ‘plus ones’. It goes without saying that any guest who receives an invitation that specifies their name only and wants to bring their own guest, will need to contact the host and politely ask if it would be possible to bring a partner.
Nervous hosts, who are wary of being confronted by unanticipated guests, should not attempt to make any statement about ‘plus ones’ on the invitation. Add the name of the single invitee as usual and if you feel there is a risk that they will bring an uninvited guest, enclose a short handwritten note with the invitation, just saying that – because of space restrictions – you’re very sorry that you won’t be able to invite friends or partners.
If, on the other hand, you’re ready to welcome all comers, you can always write the name of single invitees and add ‘plus guest’.
Resignation is in the news at the moment, and we are all observing people in public life who refuse to resign, offer their resignation promptly, or are forced to resign (ie sacked). We have discussed the mechanics of resignation before on this blog, but today our etiquette experts are looking at the vexed question of when to go.
If you are feeling unhappy or unfulfilled, ready to move but not sure when to do it, take a look at our checklist:
• Are you thriving in your job?
If you feel that your job is well suited to your abilities, that you are being given plenty of opportunities to gain experience and acquire new skills, that you are stimulated and well-motivated, then you are thriving. However, this optimum state frequently proves elusive, and you may feel instead that you are stagnating, deprived of stimulus and new openings. This may be the moment to move on, although it would be sensible to raise your dissatisfaction with management before you make any final decision.
• Are you respected by managers and colleagues?
A successful career is buoyed up by the approbation and support of your managers and colleagues. If you feel that this vital approval is beginning to seep away, you may be in trouble. This is when you need to carefully examine your situation.
Do you feel you are doing a good job but are not getting the respect and support you deserve? If this is the case, you may need to address the problem directly with your managers and you may be able to change the narrative.
There is another possibility, and it will take unflinching honesty and ruthless self-appraisal to acknowledge it, which is that you are falling short in your work, and not meeting the expectations of your managers and colleagues. If this is the case, you have two choices: accept that you are not up to the job (perhaps you have been promoted to a level that is clearly above your abilities); or resolve to earn the respect that you feel is lacking – if you decide to go down this route, you should map out what you have to do and set yourself clear time limits in which to achieve these goals.
• Are there opportunities in your role for career progression?
All too often, feeling that you have reached the end of the road is a very good reason for resignation. We all of us want to feel that we are moving on, learning more, acquiring new skills, gaining respect. If you feel that you are bumping your head against a glass ceiling and there is nowhere to go, then you should consider resigning. But before you make the decision to do so, you should raise the matter with your manager, explain your frustration, and at least give your employers a chance to open new career avenues.
• Are you burnt out? Do you feel your energy is being sapped?
Sometimes a job simply gets too much. You work too hard, take your work worries home, carry a permanent burden of anxiety and stress. You might have a boss who is incapable of recognising that he or she is over-demanding and inflexible – your attempts to satisfy their demands are driving you into the ground. The physical symptoms of stress are undeniable: insomnia, exhaustion, loss of appetite and, in some cases, a tendency to seek over-stimulation or oblivion. These are red flags; if you love your job, you need to have an open and honest conversation with your manager and see if there is any willingness to ease your situation. If, on the other hand, these levels of stress are combined with ambivalence about your job, this is an excellent reason to resign.
• Are you being micromanaged?
If you feel that your every move is being monitored and controlled, that you have no agency, then you may well decide that it is time to move on. Some people respond well to micromanagement and are happy to have any sense of responsibility taken out of their hands. But if you are independent and self-motivated with a keen sense of initiative, you will inevitably find being over-supervised oppressive. As always, you should try and raise concerns with management before taking any decisive steps.
• Are you working in a toxic environment?
Sometimes your workplace turns nasty. This may well be caused by bad management or by unsustainable workloads, targets and deadlines, but a workplace has truly become poisonous when colleagues turn on each other, gossip becomes rife, bullying is part of the culture and betrayal and disloyalty flourish. Generally, when the culture becomes this toxic, you must recognise that it is rotten through and through and cut loose.
While it is possible to address most of these issues, we all know that this is easier said than done. Once a job has turned sour, or you have lost the respect of your colleagues, or you feel in turn that you have no faith in management, it may be very difficult to turn the situation around and resignation is clearly the only option.
You may feel embittered and disillusioned when you are forced to make this choice, but it is important that you remain polite and positive. When you send in your resignation letter, do not play the blame game – no matter how victimised you may feel, do not blame other people for your departure. Frame any criticisms you may have in an obliquely positive light (“I really appreciated Bob’s meticulous supervision of my work” or “I must thank you for the chance you gave me to gain experience and expertise and am looking forward to moving forward in my new role”). By not burning any bridges and you will ensure that you minimise any fallout surrounding your departure.
Latest figures reveal that 83 per cent of the global population owns a smartphone, an astonishing 6.648 billion users. Mobile phones are an omnipresent fact of modern life, but a whistlestop tour around the globe soon reveals that attitudes to mobile manners vary dramatically from place to place.
Generally, in countries that place a strong emphasis on collective norms of behaviour, mobiles are treated with a certain amount of circumspection, and there is a consensus about inappropriate use that may be strictly enforced. These standards become much less rigid in countries where communication and relationships (business, familial and social) are highly valued and prioritised.
Travellers beware: your own mobile manners may well be found wanting in some countries and could cause you social embarrassment. On the other hand, there are places in the world where you will need to be extremely tolerant, as you may well find local mobile manners are astonishingly lax and easy-going. When it comes to travelling abroad, forewarned is forearmed, so it is always a good idea to research any idiosyncrasies before you set off on your travels.
We’ve taken a look at a selection of countries, highlighting the range of customs and etiquette that has evolved around this new technology:
Talking on a mobile phone (keitai) while riding a bus or train is frowned upon, and messages asking passengers not to make calls and to switch their phones to silent mode are played frequently. If you transgress, you may find that fellow passengers appeal to the guard, who will firmly explain that using your phone is not allowed. This rule extends beyond public transport; it is considered impolite to talk on the phone in almost any public space. In Japan turning off the ringer on your phone is referred to as putting the phone into ‘manners mode’. If you are going to play video games, watch movies or listen to music on your phone, you must use headphones.
Because of these restrictions, texting is extremely popular. The very large sets of characters and icons available on Japanese mobiles provide a texting shorthand and emoticons are omnipresent. Walking the streets of Japanese cities amongst oblivious texters has become increasingly hazardous and a cause for concern; the new unwritten rule is that you step aside when looking at your phone.
People in India are enthusiastic users of mobiles, and are quick to answer theirs whatever the circumstances, e.g. hushed theatres or business meetings. They tend to be audible and voluble communicators, and you will often hear loud Bollywood music played over phone speakers (no headphones) in Indian streets. There is a cacophony of different ringtones, which can be very intrusive. They are also compulsive texters, and their focus on their phones leads to many accidents on crowded city streets.
In China it is always acceptable to answer the phone, even if you’re in a business meeting or a restaurant. If you don’t answer, the caller will ring repeatedly until you do – voicemail is not widely used. Those that are higher up the pecking order answer their phones completely unapologetically and make no attempt to lower their voice; more lowly employees, or students in a classroom, might be inclined to hunch down and whisper, or cup their hand over the phone.
Moroccans call their friends on their mobile phones but hang up before it is answered so that the number registers on the recipient’s phone. Called a ‘beep aliyah’, it is a simple and free way of telling someone you are thinking about them. Sending one in return is appropriate.
Egyptians will give out their mobile number at the slightest opportunity. People will solicit your number and will then call you to find out how you are, if you have arrived at your destination and so on, simply as an act of hospitality. If you miss the call, they will expect you to call back. Be prepared for calls with Egyptians on mobiles to be a protracted exchange of pleasantries, with thanks to God for good health and status. It may be several minutes before the actual topic of the call is broached, and it is considered rude not to give the phone your complete attention.
In Spain, it is considered rude not to answer your mobile, whatever the situation, and it is not usual to leave voicemails. Phone calls are answered on public transport, in restaurants and even in business meetings. It is also quite common to mix mobile and face-to-face conversations, with everyone listening in and contributing.
Italians have a reputation for being voluble, and this chattiness has certainly carried over into the world of mobiles (called ‘telefonini’ in Italian). Italians chat compulsively on their phones and are never reticent about answering calls in public situations or even business meetings. Voicemail is not much used, but if you do leave a message be sure to keep it short and to the point.
The French are generally aware of the impact that mobile phones have on others, and it is considered rude to speak too loudly into the phone in public. Using a phone on public transport or in restaurants is frowned upon.
Germans are very respectful of rules about switching off mobiles (which they call ‘handy’) in public places and may complain aggressively if there are any transgressions. In both the Netherlands and Germany it is considered good manners to give your name when you answer the phone (rather than just saying ‘Hello’). This custom persists even when using mobile phones with a caller display.
Israelis tend to answer their phones, even in awkward circumstances (at a wedding, in a synagogue, at a meeting), if only to tell the caller that they can’t talk and will ring back. They do not tend to screen mobile phone calls by using voicemail. Of course, this means that they will rarely leave a voice message. It is therefore a good idea to text first explaining who you are, and then follow up with a call.
When Brazilians make phone calls, the caller often asks ‘who is this’ at the outset, even if he/she initiated the call. Brazilians love to chat, so phone conversations can be animated and prolonged. Not answering your mobile is considered rude, and Brazilians will frequently excuse themselves from meetings or restaurants, or even theatres, to do so; leaving the phone to go to voicemail is quite uncommon. Phone reception in Brazil is notoriously unreliable, so the Brazilians may make noises of acknowledgement throughout the conversation. This is not meant to interrupt the other speaker, merely to reassure them that the line is still open.
Mexicans are inveterate mobile phone users and carry them wherever they go. On arriving in a restaurant, it is quite normal to immediately put your phone on the table, next to your place setting. It is also quite acceptable to answer your mobile wherever you are. Mexicans will spend hours every day chatting on their phones. It is customary to text your Mexican hosts after an evening out to confirm that you have arrived home safely.
Americans have no problems using mobile phones in open spaces, or on public transport, but feel that they should be switched off in libraries, theatres, cinemas and churches. Most Americans would think it rude to interrupt a family dinner, a meal in a restaurant or a business meeting to take a mobile phone call. However, increasingly, mobile phone use is evident in all these contexts, especially amongst the younger social media-using generation, and there is much debate about desirable mobile phone manners. Texting is now becoming the preferred American method of mobile phone communication; it is obviously less intrusive than speaking, but still distracting.
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We’ve probably all experienced, at one time or another, the excruciating tedium of being trapped by a conversational bore. Fed an unmitigated diet of long, rambling anecdotes that go nowhere, mini-lectures on subjects in which we have no interest, or yawn-inducing self-obsession, many of us will feel a tickle of self-doubt. Is it possible that we are also boring, and as blissfully unaware of our own dullness as the annoying person who is currently bending our ears?
The only way to find out is to conduct a quick self-appraisal, followed by a long, hard look at the body language of the people with whom we converse. Armed with self-awareness, we can crush any incipient signs of being a bore and need never stand accused of this solecism ever again.
Bores exhibit a range of traits that most of us will instantly recognise:
• Obliviousness
Bores don’t read social cues and will carry on talking even if they are confronted by the spectacle of their listeners yawning, fidgeting, looking at their watches and edging towards the exit. Their inability to recognise that their monotonous discourses are reducing their audience to a semi-catatonic state is a source of general frustration.
• Lack of focus
Bores are famous for their long-winded and circuitous discourse and for frequently backing themselves into conversational cul-de-sacs. They have no ability to self-edit, to pare down what they are trying to say so that they get quickly and directly to the point. They may start out telling a perfectly interesting anecdote, but will lose the plot half-way through, as they digress into irrelevant sub-plots, agonise over remembering a name they’ve forgotten, or insist on delivering short and irrelevant biographies of everybody they mention. Listeners soon find themselves maddened and frustrated by the lack of direction or purpose.
• A tendency to monologue
A sure sign of a bore is a complete lack of interest in other people and an obvious lack of willingness to engage with them. Their impetus is to control conversations through the power of monologue, and they have a propensity for speaking, uninterrupted, for unacceptably long periods. Interruptions or questions are not tolerated and there is no attempt to solicit other people’s opinions or reactions. Their conversation becomes a broadcast, rather than a dialogue, and is guaranteed to drive people away.
• Refusing to listen or ask questions
Another symptom of the tendency to monologue is a complete lack of interest in other people. Good conversations are interchanges; questions are batted back and forth and each participant shows a keen interest in everybody else. It’s only polite, and it is the cornerstone of successful socialising. It’s a sure sign that a bore has infiltrated your conversation when you notice that he or she has not asked a single question and does not appear to be listening to what is being said, merely waiting on the sidelines for an opportunity to interject and dominate.
• Blandness
Worrying too much about what other people think and being unwilling to really engage with conversational topics in case offence is caused is very boring. People who are unwilling to express any opinions and meet every idea or challenge with insipid responses like “whatever you think”, “I don’t really have an opinion” or “that seems like a good idea” will soon empty the room. For conversations to really flourish you need a little grit, argument, and tension. A refusal to make any waves means that conversation will soon wither and die.
• Negativity
While we can all bond over complaints and grumbling, and may find it very enjoyable to do so, relentless negativity grinds everybody down. When stalwart attempts to introduce levity or positivity into a conversation are met by a relentlessly grumpy and humourless bore, the assembled company will soon find the conversation dreary and thoroughly tedious and will do their best to escape.
If you have read all the above and are still not sure whether you are guilty of being a bore, then the best policy might be to open your eyes and keenly observe how other people behave when you are conversing. Boredom brings on a recognisable set of reactions and if you see evidence of ennui you might be able to take evasive action and inject some sparkle into your conversation. Being able to spot when people are bored will stand you in good stead both socially and professionally, so look out for the following signs:
• Perfunctory responses, frequently repeated
It’s not a good sign if a person with whom you are talking repeatedly says things like “oh really?”, “how interesting”. It’s a sure sign that they’re on conversational automatic pilot, probably induced by sensations of extreme boredom.
• Lack of eye contact
Inattentiveness is demonstrated by staring into space, allowing the eyes to swivel away from your face, or looking around the room with increasing desperation.
• A slumped posture
A listener who sits with the head supported by the palm, frequently with the eyes closed, or slips further and further down in the seat until nearly horizontal, is giving a clear demonstration of a sense of inertia and somnolence.
• Compulsive tapping
Jiggling and tapping of both the hands and feet is a sign of restlessness and tedium, probably indicating that somebody is feeling trapped.
• Fidgeting
When your companions (or audience) shift around restlessly in their seats, crossing and uncrossing legs, fiddling with nails or hair, they are displaying signs of discomfort. They can be symptoms of nervousness or boredom.
• Yawning
The most obvious sign of boredom, yawning is the clearest indication that you have reduced your audience to a state of eye-watering lethargy.
Image: Eton College (Wikimedia Commons)
Most parents who send their child to boarding school are filled with mixed emotions. They may be forced by necessity, for example working overseas, to choose a boarding school, or they may have decided to invest in the best possible education for their child and accept that sacrifices will have to be made. They may nevertheless feel anxious and emotional about the forthcoming separation.
A very important part of the school selection process is to visit the school with your child, talk to the staff and seek reassurance on pressing subjects such as home contact, visiting, homesickness and pastoral care. Individual children’s personalities will need to be taken into consideration. Some children are undoubtedly confident and gregarious, and their parents may feel confident that they will thrive in the challenging new environment. Others are shy, timid and introverted, and their parents may well be seeking a school that can demonstrate it will take extra care when it comes to settling new pupils in.
These considerations will certainly have an impact on the choice of school and most parents will do their utmost to address their natural concerns and pave the way for separation.
The first few weeks at the new school are a time when parents will need to be on the alert: they must read between the lines when they receive letters or emails from their children; listen attentively to tone of voice when they speak on phone; pick up immediately on any hints that all is not well. Sometimes predictions about how a child will cope, based on their character and personality, are not always reliable. Extroverted children can still suffer terrible homesickness; quiet, shy children can find their feet, thrive and blossom.
First Day
You may find the first separation excruciating, but you need to be brave. Stay long enough to settle your child in – you will have brought duvets, posters and toys from home and you can help them unpack and create a cosy, reassuring space. It will certainly help you to be able to visualise where they are sleeping. You will need to talk briefly to the housemaster or housemistress as you hand over responsibility. Then you should leave, as decisively as possible. Try not to cry or show your emotions – your child will take a lead from you, so now is the time for the stiff upper lip.
Trust the Staff
Your child’s housemaster or housemistress will become an important person in your life. They are well-trained and experienced and have seen the full gamut of emotions that children will experience when they are separated from their parents. Trust their expertise, communicate with them, follow their advice. If there are problems that need your attention, rest assured that they will be in touch with you immediately – it’s their job.
Don’t Over-Stress
Of course, your child is your main concern and you will naturally feel that he or she should be prioritised. But bear in mind that the school is responsible for a large number of children and will certainly initiate contact with you if they have any concerns. While housemasters and housemistresses are more than ready and willing to talk to parents, don’t test their patience to the limits by making repeated contact and calls for attention.
Put on a Brave Face
When you communicate with your child, it is important that you project pride and positivity. If you find your voice quavering or your eyes filling with tears, find an excuse to end a phone or video call. If you really find it hard to keep your emotions in check, steer your child towards letters, texts and emails for the first few weeks.
Don’t Confide in your Child
If you find yourself suffused with anxiety and distress about your child, obsessing about how they’re coping, and unable to find distraction in your daily life, you must not give any indication of this to your child. Ideally, you will make friends with fellow parents, with whom you can discuss your concerns, or you can take them to the housemaster or housemistress. It should never be the child’s role to comfort the parent.
Keep Communicating
The school will give parents of new pupils plenty of guidance about how communication should be conducted, especially in the first few weeks. They may specify certain times when phone or video calls can be made, or they may encourage children to regularly communicate with their parents in writing. Respect these rules, which will undoubtedly have evolved over many years and are well-grounded in the experience of settling children in and coping with homesickness.
Visiting Your Child
Again, you will need to follow the school’s guidance when it comes to visiting. These days, most schools will encourage parents to visit their children – the old days when visits were discouraged because it was felt that being left to cope independently was character-building are long gone. However, you may find that the school discourages visits in the first few weeks because it disrupts their programme of settling children in. Respect these parameters and observe them.
Choose your Subject
When you speak to your child, be protective toward them and steer clear of topics that might exacerbate feelings of homesickness. If you ‘entertain’ them with long, rambling anecdotes about the antics of their younger siblings, their much-loved pets, or accounts of family treats and outings, you may well be feeding them the memories and sensations of home that they have been trying hard to suppress, and a few careless words from you may undo all the good work the school has been doing. Instead, encourage them to talk about their new world, their activities, classes and friendship.
Give them Targets
A term can seem hopelessly long to a young child – Christmas can seem light years away when they are starting school in early September. Try and break up the intervening weeks with lots of regular treats they can look forward to – your visits to the school, days out, their weekends at home, half-term and so on. Find ways to reassure them that school is not interminable and that their periods of separation from home and family are manageable.
Don’t Over-Promise
If you’re aware that your child is homesick, you may well panic and make wild promises that you have no intention of keeping – for example saying that, if they’re still unhappy at Christmas you’ll take them out of school. An unhappy child could become over-focused on this possibility – to the point where they disengage with school – and would then feel bitterly betrayed when the promise is not fulfilled.
From time to time, we have a look at our postbag and sift through the questions that you have sent in on the vexed subject of wedding etiquette.
Here is a selection of questions, with answers from our etiquette experts:
1. “What’s the best way to explain to a friend that he or she isn’t invited to the wedding, because numbers are restricted?”
Be direct and offer an alternative. So don’t let your friend find out that he or she hasn’t been invited by a process of inference and osmosis – that will cause genuine offence. Instead, bite the bullet and approach the subject head-on. You can do this in person, or in writing (not by text). Explain that numbers are very restricted, that only a very small number of people have been invited (if you like, you can add a further explanation for this – budget, venue, family complications etc). Express your regret and propose that, as you won’t be seeing each other on the big day, it would be lovely to have a celebratory get-together. Suggest a time and a place (don’t leave it just hanging in the air as a possibility). Reassure your friend that you’re really looking forward to spending some quality time together.
2. “As the bride, how will I manage to be a ‘social butterfly’ on the big day, moving politely from one guest to the next, without it looking like I’m ditching each person for someone more interesting?”
As a key player on the big day, you will certainly need to circulate, and everyone will be aware of this. But it’s very important that you give each person you’re with your full attention, and don’t allow your glance to wander around the room. Once you’ve exchanged a few pleasantries and feel you need to move on you have two alternatives. You can grab a passing guest and introduce him/her to the person you’re talking to – give a short explanation, “Sally have you met John? We were at school together in Suffolk….” Once the two are beginning to talk together, you can say “If you’ll excuse me, I must go and chat to xxxxx”. If this is too difficult and you can’t lay your hands on any passing guests, just confront the problem head-on by saying “I’m so sorry, it’s been lovely talking to you, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to go and circulate/talk to x, y and z, or I’ll be in trouble!” Your guests will be charmed by your honesty and will understand that you have other social obligations.
3. “I have no idea where to start with the dreaded seating plan – my fiancé’s parents are divorced and can’t be seated together, I don’t know if we should seat our two best men (both married with young children) at the top table or with their families, and in general I’m not sure whether to put people with guests they know or try to mix people up to encourage mingling. I’m toying with just having guests pull a number out of a hat on the day so they can’t blame us if they’re unhappy with their seat!”
Generally, a seating plan is a chance to integrate your guests, and you can have great fun ‘matchmaking’ your friends in the table plan, and you may even find you are responsible for new friendships forming on your wedding day. Try and ensure that you alternate sexes and arrange the tables so that guests can recognise at least one other person on their table. Don’t take integration too far – you wouldn’t want your maiden aunt to be sitting on a table with a bunch of rowdy 20-something singles, so it’s often a good idea to match generations.
As far as divorced parents go, one solution is to dispense with the top table option altogether. Have three ‘top’ tables, one hosted by each of your fiancé’s parents, and one – where you and your husband will sit – hosted by your parents. Each of the best men (with their families) can sit at your fiancé’s parents ‘tables.
4. “My husband-to-be wants to do the speeches before the meal to get them out of the way, but I hate the thought of everyone going hungry while waiting, especially as we aren’t having canapés and I know how long my dad will be! Would it be an idea to alternate the speeches between courses, ie father of the bride, then the starter, then the groom, then the main course, then the best man, then the dessert? Or will this disturb the flow of the speeches?”
As you know, the tradition is to have all the speeches after the meal, and this really is the best idea – not just because it’s a tradition. As you say, guests will be anxious to get on with the real business of the wedding (ie socialising and celebrating), and won’t want to hang around waiting for the speeches before they start eating. And once people have settled down to eat, and are enjoying both the food and the company, a series of interruptions between courses won’t be very popular either. After the meal, when everyone has had plenty to eat and enjoyed some good conversation, is the time when there is a natural lull, when guests can sit back, sip a drink, relax and enjoy the speeches. Of course, as your husband says, this means the speeches are ‘hanging over’ the speechmakers, but the desire to get them over and done with can go against the natural rhythm of these events. Your guests will be much more receptive to the speeches after the meal.
5. “The wedding coordinators at our venue have really gone above and beyond the call of duty to make our day special and I want to get them something to say thank you. What’s appropriate?"
It is customary to simply write a gracious thank you letter to everyone who has helped, singling out specific things you appreciate (eg “we loved the table decorations and thought your seating plan was masterly”). It is quite common to send a printed and mounted wedding photograph as a gesture of appreciation.
Since your coordinators have provided a service, albeit a very good one, you would not normally give them a gift. If you really feel you would like to do so, then a bottle (or more!) of champagne (suitably gift-boxed), or some very fine quality chocolates would be most appropriate.
This week (10–14 October) is National Work-Life Week, “an opportunity for both employers and employees to focus on well-being at work and work-life balance.” We are all becoming increasingly aware of the toll that overwork, stress and a 24/7 working culture can have on our mental wellbeing. While home-based or hybrid working have become contemporary buzzwords, much lauded for the flexibility they can give us to manage our own working day, it is important to accept that modern technology ensures that we are ever available and that divisions between work and life are becoming dangerously blurred.
The rigid working practices of the past are distant memories. The days when hordes of bowler-hatted workers descended on the City during the rush hour and flocked home on crowded trains in the evening are long gone. Office hours were once fixed and inflexible: punctuality was demanded; outside annual holidays, time off was only grudgingly granted, usually at the behest of a doctor’s note. Yet the seeming rigidity of these practices led to a culture where work was strictly office-bound. Once the journey home had been negotiated, all thoughts of the office were blotted out by domestic and family life, and – with the exception of a small number of jobs – out-of-office hours were regarded as sacrosanct, and employees would only be contacted in the direst emergency.
Many of us have broken free from this diurnal routine, but our liberty runs the risk of coming at a very high price. We all have a range of means of communication at our disposal and this can mean that we are more or less ‘on call’ from dawn to dusk. Even if our employers are respectful of the need for a work-life balance and resist the urge to contact us during anti-social hours, we are all too often the authors of our own stress, compulsively checking work emails and messages when we should be relaxing.
So how do we guard against a stress-inducing work-life imbalance?
There’s no law that says that you can’t finish your report or answer your emails at midnight, if that’s how you like to work and it suits your body clock, but you should not feel under a compulsion to do so. If you are working partially, or wholly, from home, it is a good idea for your own sanity, and for partners and children, if you set down ‘rules’ for your working day. This means deciding when you aim to start work, when you aim to finish, times when you will be unavailable (eg because you’re going to the gym or on the school run), and times when you might consider putting in some extra time. It will be helpful to you and your family if you impose some sort of structure on your working day, and it might even help your employer if they know that there are times when you are definitely not available.
It can really help – especially if you are working at home – to use repeated rituals to underline the start and end of your working day. This can be something as simple as drinking your first cup of coffee as you check your emails at the start of the day, or writing a list of ‘things to do tomorrow’ before you shut your computer down at the end of the working day, or listening to a podcast as you travel home from work.
We can all feel beleaguered by our phones, computers and tablets. Sometimes it feels like we’re being bombarded by a cacophony of tones, beeps and notifications, and our Pavlovian response is to immediately jump to attention and deal with the incoming tidal wave. In an ideal world, the advice would be to simply ignore these calls for attention when we’ve ‘stopped’ working, but it’s not always easy. So why not switch off your notifications, or change your ‘focus’ settings, or even mute your phone – these are simple ways of stopping the world hammering at your door. If you’re still worried about not responding, you can always set an automatic reply on your work email every night, saying something like; ‘Thank you for your email. I aim to reply within 24 hours’. This is a perfectly reasonable way of asserting that your office ‘day’ is effectively over.
If you are a person who aims to please and finds it hard to set parameters and stick to boundaries, you might well find yourself at the beck and call of a thoughtless and demanding boss, who makes huge demands on your time and pays little attention to your stress levels. You need to learn to say no when it all gets too much. This can be hard to do at first, so start by prevaricating; if a request that goes beyond the call of duty is made to you, say you’ll have a think about it, or you’re not sure. This way, you will be able to buy some time to think carefully about what you want to do: if you want to say yes, that’s fine; but if you know you should say no, now is the time to do so, as you have already laid the groundwork. You don’t need to justify your action, or come up with reasons or excuses. Just politely say that you won’t be able to do what’s been asked of you.
Striving for perfection in your work life, or your home life, can be a major cause of stress and anxiety. While we all want to do the best job we can, it is important to be able to accept our limitations. In the work context, you may have to recognise that you have done the best you can in the time available, or acknowledge that there is no shame in revisiting the task later. In the domestic sphere you may be wise to discard a drive for perfection in favour of settling for convivial quality time. There is no point spending your evening meticulously ironing your handkerchiefs or cleaning out your kitchen cupboards, when there are children who need to have a story read to them, or a spouse who wants you to join them for a glass of wine and a favourite programme on television. You may take great pleasure and pride in your domestic skills, but nobody should prioritise clean cupboards or ironed laundry over nurturing meaningful relationships.
It can be tempting to become compulsively driven, both in work and life, turning each day into a headlong dash through a packed schedule of work appointments and tasks, childcare, exercise, cooking, domestic chores, without stopping for a moment to pause for thought. Running on pure adrenaline is exhausting, and very often will result in increased irritability with the people around you. You may even turn your own self-induced stress into a form of martyrdom, saying things like “I have to do everything around here” and demanding sympathy. This kind of behaviour is addictive and can be a common response to being over-stretched and over-worked. If you feel yourself lurching in this direction, consider simplifying your life, reducing your commitments, foregoing some of your activities, and just giving yourself a chance to unwind and do very little.
