The car has been unloaded, your new accommodation has been inspected, you’ve said goodbye to your parents. Finally, you’re on your own, and a whole new chapter is just beginning.
Starting university, particularly when you don’t know anybody, can be a daunting experience. Finding friends is a number one priority, and your first week will feel like a frenetic flurry of socialising. It is important that you participate fully, and resist the temptation to cower in your room, waiting for the world to come to you.
When you move into your halls, start as you mean to go on. Prop your door open, put on the kettle for tea or coffee, open a bottle of wine. You will come across as accessible and hospitable, and passing residents, who will also be on the lookout for new friends, may well drop in and say hello.
Basic social skills will be part of your fresher’s survival strategy. Smile warmly, even if you’re feeling scared or homesick. Now is not the time to try and look cool and standoffish. Introduce yourself early on when you have a casual encounter (in the communal kitchen for example). Ask questions and show an interest in other people’s answers – it helps if you ask open-ended questions that will stimulate chat (“I wonder where the union bar is?”), rather than asking people questions that will only be met by ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers. If you hit it off, always swap phone numbers – you’ll soon find a chain reaction of introductions and networking will sweep you off your feet.
Freshers’ week can be a crazy time – you’re launching yourself as an adult and putting your childhood behind you. You may be experimenting with a new look, or forcing yourself to be braver and more outgoing. But take it easy, and don’t do anything in your first week that you’ll spend the next three years regretting – getting in with a dodgy crowd, falling in love with the first person you meet, or blowing your entire budget on a ludicrous extravagance.
You may find the first few days a bit of a rollercoaster. It’s normal to feel a bit untethered and homesick when you start university. Don’t panic if you feel your fresher’s week hasn’t been a triumph – you might not have found your new best friend or dream social circle in the first few days, but university, especially once you start going to lectures and classes, will provide you with endless opportunities to meet and bond with new people. Be patient and remind yourself that this is just the beginning of your adult adventure…
Follow these golden rules to ensure that you start your university course as you mean to go on.
• Operate an open door policy when you move into your residence hall. People will inevitably drop by and they may even become real friends.
• Have tea, coffee, some cans of beer or a bottle of wine available (remember to bring a kettle, mugs, glasses etc. when you pack), and greet everyone with a friendly hello.
• Use the communal areas, frequent the bars (even if you don’t drink). Get out of your room and socialise.
• Accept that – at first – conversational gambits are going to centre on your A level results, where you're from and the course you’ve chosenr. These are ice-breakers, and may lead on to more interesting things.
• Listen to what other people tell you, and ask questions. Don’t bang on about yourself all the time, or your new friends will soon be making for the door.
• Introduce yourself to strangers at Freshers’ Week parties. Everyone is in the same boat, so don’t worry about making the first move. If you like the look of someone, go up to them, tell them your name, ask them a few questions, and listen carefully. Keep smiling.
• Swap phone numbers if you want to see them again. Don’t tell complete strangers where you live or you may find yourself besieged by unwanted visitors. You can always use social media to vet your new acquaintances and you may find you have second thoughts.
• Avoid getting very drunk – first impressions count and it's best to keep a (relatively) clear head while you're still finding your feet.
• You may not stick with the friends you make during Freshers’ week. If you realise that they’re boring, fanatical, mean-spirited geeky etc, you can always move on. So approach the whole social maelstrom in a spirit of adventure and discovery.
• Be a joiner. Freshers’ fairs lay out a tempting array of societies and clubs, but don’t go mad. Sign up for things you’re actually interested in (liking the look of the student manning the stall isn’t a good enough reason!) and you might actually stay the course.
• Be open to new experiences, but exercise a little caution. Don’t blow all your money on a flat-screen TV or commit to sharing a second-year house with someone you've just met. You may end up regretting your freshers’ week antics for the next three years…
• Above all, be friendly. Keep smiling, and accept invitations whenever possible. You’ll only be a fresher once…
The teenage years may transform your delightful child into an alien being. Agonisingly self-conscious, sullen, lacking all social graces, angry, mind-blowingly self-centred…these are the teenage traits we have all come to dread.
Enslaved by a riot of hormones, stressed by exams, sexually self-conscious, desperate to break free from over-protective parents – being a teenager isn’t easy. When you’re the ‘victim’ (ie parent) of a typical adolescent, you’ll find it hard to focus on your own embarrassing memories of teen trauma, but it’s very important that you do just that.
Don’t be fooled by your teenager – they may be doing their utmost to project themselves as ultra-cool rebels without a cause, but they’re still young kids. They need lots of positive feedback, compliments and affection.
Give them a bit of space – they’ll probably spend hours microscopically examining their acne in the bathroom mirror, or trying on hundreds of different outfits, or experimenting with hair gel and make-up. Just live with it. Banging on the bathroom door, demanding “what are you up to in there?” will enrage them. Let them have their privacy.
Teenagers want to be different, and will enjoy shocking you. Piercings, tattoos, weird and wonderful hair colours, bizarre clothes – this is all ammunition in the ‘shock the parent’ game. Don’t rise to the bait.
Above all, listen to what they’re trying to tell you. It’s all too easy to fall into the outraged parent mode, hectoring and haranguing, convinced of your superior wisdom, intent on pointing out the errors they are making. But growing up is about making your own mistakes and learning from them – it’s painful to watch a much-loved child go through this agonising initiation, but you can’t do it for them.
You may have come to terms with your teenager’s anguish in the privacy of your own home, and may well have learnt to accommodate their behaviour, but how do you cope with them when you’re out in the world?
You may find that your maddeningly gawky and grumpy teenager turns into an absolute charmer when you wheel them out to visit the grandparents or have your own friends round to dinner. If that is the case, just be grateful and don’t dwell on the fact that you are not treated in the same way – remind yourself that you are being victimised because they love you and feel safe with you.
If, on the other hand, your teenager is a social embarrassment, who can’t engage in eye contact, communicates in Neanderthal grunts, and provides a passive-aggressive eye-rolling commentary on all your social interactions, think very carefully about forcing them to socialise. Other people may well be discomforted by your teenager’s antics, and the last thing you want is to make your guests feel awkward.
You may have to accept that – for the time being at least – your teenager is standing apart from society. Their agonising self-consciousness is too much of a social burden, and the safest thing for them to do is to sequester themselves away in their rooms. In these circumstances, it is really best to let them withdraw, rather than fighting to maintain your existing social arrangements. This can be a very difficult step for parents who are used to introducing delightful small children to their friends, and watching proudly as they captivate all and sundry. But you need to reconcile yourself to the fact that this magical childhood chapter is now over.
It is one thing to allow your teenager to withdraw when outsiders are present, but do not let yourself go down that tempting route when you are alone as a family. No matter how dispiriting and depressing it feels, try to eat family meals together. Keep up your own standards in relation to table manners and conversation, and you will find that your teenager is continuing to absorb valuable lessons about how to behave and how to socialise, which will stand them in good stead when they leave adolescence behind.
It is very easy to see a teenager’s revolt as the end of a family era. The destructive, frustrated presence in the midst of the family can cause long-established traditions to fragment, and civilised behaviour flies out of the window. But the teenage years, no matter how painfully arduous they may feel, are only a passing phase; providing a bedrock of normal, unchanging family life will ensure that your teenager can return to a safe haven, confident that you have been able to absorb the worst they can throw at you, and ready to embark on adulthood.
• Give them some personal space. Respect their privacy, knock before you go into their rooms, don’t poke around in their stuff, or snoop on their social media.
• Listen carefully to what’s being said, and take time to respond. Don’t get caught up in a stalemate where you’re issuing diktats and refusing to explain why – the response “Because I said so…” is, understandably, a red rag to a bull.
• Try not to be too judgmental – if you radiate an air of open-minded tolerance it will create an environment in which they’re more prepared to confide in you.
• Don’t be provocative. If you’re faced with a super-sullen teenager, trying to tease them out of the mood may well escalate the grumpiness.
• Keep calm. Teenagers are prone to flying off the handle and – if you reciprocate in any way – disputes can easily escalate into out and out conflict. Moderate your behaviour at all times.
• Give them some respect. You may find their views preposterous or just plain silly, but pointing this out is not a good idea. Don’t be too critical, and never pull the adult card, as in “When you’re my age you’ll realise…”
• Try and break through “don’t touch” barrier; be affectionate, positive, complimentary. This is a time when children need lots of encouragement to build their confidence and self-esteem.
• Try and find the time to talk to your teenagers – but choose carefully. One to one or family occasions are best – trying to socialise with your teenager and friends may cause scorching embarrassment.
• Don’t get trapped in disputes over trivial issues. Accept that you are no longer able to control every aspect of your child’s life, and only have confrontations over the things that really matter.
• If your teenager is rude to you, don’t accept it. Keep calm, but state clearly that you don’t like the way they’re speaking.
• Be polite, even under severe provocation. Your good manners may (eventually) rub off on your teenager…
In centuries gone by, shopping for necessities was a personal interaction. Grocery shoppers arrived brandishing a shopping list, stood patiently in a queue, greeted the shopkeeper who stood behind the counter, and probably enjoyed an exchange of pleasantries while an assistant filled out their order, measuring out and parcelling up items such as flour, sugar, rice, butter and cheese. At no point did the shopper ever handle the goods on display.
But all this changed in 1948, when Britain’s first self-service supermarket, the London Co-operative Society, opened in Manor Park. Supermarkets had been flourishing in the US since the 1930s, but this was the first attempt in Britain to in introduce a new kind of shopping, where the customer was king, and economies of scale led to bargain basement prices. Those early shoppers were overwhelmed by the novelty of wire baskets and the accessibility of stacked shelves; they were also delighted by the opportunity to browse the goods on offer and pick out their own shopping.
Supermarkets were soon opening at an unprecedented rate and sales and profits rocketed. As more and more people began to own cars, further accommodations were made for bulk purchasers, with free car parking and out of town superstores. The era of personal shopping was long gone.
Has the advent of supermarkets inevitably led to a complete disappearance of shopping etiquette? Most of us appreciate the cheapness, choice and convenience of these huge stores, and trundling around the aisles with over-stacked trolleys, bombarded with promotions and multi-buy offers, has become a part of our everyday life. Many of us find ourselves on a kind of retail auto-pilot, performing actions and making choices that are so ingrained and routine that we never pause to think about them.
But supermarkets are full of other people – shop staff and fellow-customers – and, despite the shopping-induced daze, we need to ensure that we are aware of our surroundings and our behaviour. It will make the weekly shop a much more positive experience.
• Always greet staff with a friendly “good morning” or “good afternoon”. Ignoring them will make them feel like part of the wallpaper, and they will appreciate being acknowledged.
• Steer your trolley with care. Don’t absent-mindedly abandon it in the middle of the aisle while you wander off to compare prices or ask for directions – you will cause a trolley-jam and frustrate your fellow shoppers.
• Keep your eyes open for older people, who may not be able to reach items on the higher shelves, and always politely offer to help (look out for shorter people too – some supermarkets are built on a truly gigantic scale).
• If you need directions for specific items, always approach a shop assistant with a polite “Excuse me”. Don’t just barge up and bark out “Where have you put the baked beans?”. We have all been frustrated by our local supermarket’s tendency to regularly rearrange its stock, but don’t take it out on staff.
• If you have to shop with small children, try and keep them in the child seat of the trolley (plan ahead and bring a toy or book to distract them). Over-excited children hurtling down the aisles and screaming blue murder will make shopping fraught for everyone.
• When you get to the checkout, greet the sales assistant. Once you have loaded your goods on to the conveyor belt, make sure you add the divider (if available) for the next shopper. Exchange small talk pleasantries with the sales assistant if they seem amenable – chatting about the weather is an invaluable standby. Thank them politely.
• It is the height of bad manners to talk on your phone while going through the checkout procedure. Ignoring the sales assistant while you chat on the phone indicates that you are treating them as a mere functionary. Always put your phone away.
• Queues for checkouts can get long and tempers short. Tut tutting or complaining to an overworked sales assistant is really not going to improve the situation. Try and remain calm and agreeable.
• If you opt for a self-service checkout, accept that – at some point in the procedure – there may be an unexplained hitch of the “unexpected item in the bagging area” variety. Don’t vent your frustration on the poor sales assistant whose job is to intervene.
• Once you have packed your car, take the time to wheel your trolley back to the storage zone and stow it away neatly. We’ve all encountered stray abandoned trolleys taking up entire parking spaces.
We’ve all observed, or been victims, of this behaviour, which is a pattern of repeatedly targeting, humiliating and harming others. This is an all-too familiar playground problem, often starting as physical aggression and then becoming refined into a more exquisite form of torture, involving spreading rumours, disrupting friendships and social exclusion.
The best way to stop a bully in his/her tracks is for bystanders to intervene; bullies thrive on attention, but are cowards at heart. Parents should teach their children that this kind of behaviour is not tolerable and that there is strength in numbers when it comes to raising red flags. If you can encourage your child to be a champion against bullying, who is willing to stand up for friends and call out unacceptable behaviour, you should be very proud.
Children are often reluctant to discuss problems with bullying with their parents. They can all too easily perceive their victimhood as a humiliating failure, or will simply react to bullying with fatalistic acceptance – after all, they have limited experience to draw on and will find it hard to put their experiences into perspective.
• Coming home with damaged or missing clothes or inexplicable cuts and bruises.
• Unaccountably having trouble with schoolwork.
• Showing a marked reluctance to go to school or out to play.
• Being inexplicably, or disproportionately, emotional or irritable.
• Listen. If your child feels able to talk about the experience, don’t be dismissive, or come up with hackneyed tropes like “it’s all part of growing up” or “we’ve all been through it”. Suggest your child keeps a diary, detailing bullying incidents, or at least cooperates with you in creating one – it might be useful if you’re involving third parties in the problem.
• Offer support. Your child will need reassurance that the bullying they are experiencing is not their fault; it is not something they have brought upon themselves. It can help if you are sympathetic and empathetic – you may have your own stories of being bullied as a child. The main thing is to reassure them that you are in this together.
• Gather your thoughts. You will feel understandably angry on your child’s behalf, and you must resist the temptation to rush down to the school and berate the bully yourself. This will only make the situation worse.
• Enlist help. It’s really hard to tackle bullying on your own, and nobody should have to suffer in silence. Inevitably, you will have to involve teachers, parents, and the children themselves in finding a solution. You might discover that a bullied child finds it difficult talking to their parents, and is happier confiding in a friend of his/her parents, a godparent, or a grandparent and you should certainly encourage this.
• Consult. As long as your child is happy for you to do so, it is a good idea to make an appointment with their teacher, who may not be aware that there is a problem or may have heard a very contradictory account of the incident.
• Record. Agree what action the school proposes to take to solve the problem and agree on a timeframe. Make a note of this proposal and stay in touch with the school. It is important to let them know if the situation is improving, or if there are still problems.
• Take if further. If you feel the school is not providing an adequate response to your problem, you can speak directly to the head, or get in touch with the school governors.
Your school should have a written anti-bullying policy and coordinator, who should be able to address any problems.
Every parent dreads being told that his or her child is a bully. However, it is important that you address the problem, rather than just reverting to a kneejerk, defensive response, which is blinding you to the reality of the situation.
If you can overcome your initial feelings of defensiveness and denial and bring yourself to accept that there is a problem, you will have to have to help your child to modify their behaviour. You will be more supportive if you can understand why your child is behaving in this way – is there a problem at home? Has there been a major disruption in home life (a death, divorce, separation, redundancy etc.)? Is your child also the victim of a bully? The victimised are often prone to adopting bullying behaviour.
Ultimately, you will need to talk all these issues over with your child. They may not fully understand the impact their actions have had on the child they have bullied, so you need to address the question of empathy – “how do you think you’d feel if someone did this to you?” It is also constructive if you can enlist the assistance of the school, which may well be aware of the situation and ready to help.
Playground confrontations, or incidents in classrooms or dining halls are witnessed and reported. Online bullying is a much more insidious form of torment. Increasingly, children may find themselves teased, threatened, embarrassed or humiliated online by bullies who are exploiting the full potential of social media and mobile phones. Often children are trapped into foolish behaviour online and are terrified and ashamed. They become isolated and anxious, sometimes with devastating consequences.
If you want to protect your children from this danger, take the following steps:
• If your child seems upset or withdrawn consider the possibility that cyberbullying is taking place. Sometimes it’s easier if the computer is set up in a family room, where you can monitor your child’s reactions.
• Talk to your child about online bullying and advise them that not responding or retaliating is the best policy – don’t let cyberbullies know that their abuse is working. Sometimes switching off the computer and walking away is the best defence.p
• Make sure your child knows how to block abusive messages online.
• Report anyone who is bullying your child online by notifying the platforms that host the abusive images, -messages, videos or audio.
• Talk to the school about online bullying – all schools have a responsibility to protect their pupils from bullying, whether it is happening in plain sight or on the internet.
• If online bullying strays into the areas of hate crime or pornography, you should report it to the police.
For some mothers and fathers the school gate ritual is a highlight of the day – a chance to meet and socialise with other parents. For others it is a minefield, littered with needy, pushy, or boastful parents who must be avoided at all costs. Some school gates are dominated by tight cliques of old friends, who are not particularly welcoming to newcomers – hanging around on the periphery, day after day, with nobody to talk to can be very demoralising.
No matter how anxious the school gate routine makes you feel, it’s always a good idea to present yourself as friendly and accessible. Especially when your children are very young, you are the main organiser and mediator of their social lives. If you want your child to enjoy play dates and party invitations, you will definitely need to make yourself acceptable to the other parents, and school gate friendships will be invaluable when there are emergencies and you need someone to pick up your child after school. Above all, remember that your child’s welfare is the main priority.
Picking your child up from school should always be a pleasure, never an ordeal. Follow our suggestions, and you’ll make the school gate a better place:
• Direct the conversation away from your children. Make general remarks (it is safe to assume that you are all reasonably local, so talking about the problems, and advantages, of the neighbourhood, or hot local issues will give you some clear common ground) and head people off school-related topics – an obsession with education can get very monotonous. You might actually have some interesting chats and make some good new friends.
• Never boast about your child’s achievements. Droning on about your child’s advanced reading age to the mother of a dyslexic child who’s struggling to keep up is the height of bad manners. It’s no good excusing yourself by saying you didn’t know; this is an area that’s full of pitfalls, and it’s much more tactful to play your cards close to your chest.
• Never question other parents about how well their child is doing. Even if you’re madly competitive and obsessed by your child’s comparative progress, this is not the way to proceed. Other parents may well respond with boasting or exaggerated modesty – you’d do better to have a quiet word with your child’s teacher.
• Don’t gossip about the shortcomings of certain children to other parents. Yes, you may have suffered at the weekend when the class troublemaker trashed your garden, but this is something you should only discuss with the child in question’s mother or father. They already have enough problems, without becoming aware that they are the subject of playground gossip.
• Don’t gossip about other parents at the school gate. You may think you’re being discreet, but his sort of poison leaks out (possibly with the children as the unwitting conduit), and can cause real distress.
• Take your criticisms of the school directly to your child’s teacher or to the head. Moaning about perceived shortcomings to other parents will just stir up dissatisfaction without actually achieving anything.
• Look out for the lone parents and try and include them. Not everyone finds the casual socialising of the school gate easy. Often whole groups of children have been together since nursery school, and by the time they get to ‘big school’ a playground mafia may already be fully established. Parents who are coming in from outside the clique may find themselves facing a seemingly impenetrable group of old friends. This can be an alienating experience; it may also mean that their child suffers from a lack of invitations.
• Make it clear that you’re always willing to help with pick-ups, after-school visits, school-runs etc. Other people will reciprocate. Volunteering to accompany school trips, helping out at the school fête, or assisting with classroom reading groups are all activities that will seal your reputation as an energetic, positive, committed parent.
The first day at school is a milestone both for your child, and yourself. Many parents are filled with mixed emotions, proud of their child’s independence, but sad to see them taking their first steps away.
Returning to an empty house after dropping off your child at school for the first time can be a depressing moment, so if you're not rushing into work, make sure that you’ve got plenty to keep you busy. You could arrange to exploit the free time and meet a friend for coffee or lunch, or spend more quality time with a younger pre-school child. You will soon be meeting other parents at the school gate, and a whole new life will be opening up for you, so don’t despair.
However anxious or distressed you may feel, remember to stay polite and positive when you drop off your child. If you’re friendly to the class teacher and other parents, you will be laying down good foundations for your child’s time at school. It’s easy to become so preoccupied with your own child that you sweep aside other parents and their concerns. You certainly don’t want to come across as a neurotic, over-demanding trouble-maker – while teachers are well trained and experienced enough to deal with this, other parents may recoil, and this could have an impact on your child’s social life.
Ease your child into the school habit by following this advice:
• Both children and parents will be understandably nervous. Help your child out by concealing any heightened emotions; they’ll cope much better if you’re taking the whole thing in your stride, and not over-emoting extravagantly.
• Talk about starting school well before the actual date; show your child where it is, involve them in buying the uniform and equipment. You could even do a trial school run, so they’re familiar with the route and location.
• It can help if you read stories about starting school in the run-up to the first day, or talk about your own schooldays in a positive way. This will help the child to understand that going to school is something that everyone goes through, an inevitable part of growing up.
• Over the summer holidays practise putting the uniform on; get your child used to any fastenings, velcro, zips and so on, and they won’t be panicked when they need to use the loo or change into PE kit.
• While it is important to talk positively about school, don’t turn into a compulsive cheerleader – your child will pick up on your underlying anxiety. You will need to acknowledge that they might feel tired or overwhelmed and you should explain (more than once) that the teacher is there to listen and to help.
• Explain that each child has a designated peg (it helps if they can recognise their own name when it is written down and read the label), and practise hanging up coats and putting shoes on or taking them off. Gently point out that your child must look after their own clothes and belongings – if you’re lucky you might be able to give them a sense of responsibility for their possessions, which will pre-empt countless visits to the lost property box.
• Try and instil positive feelings in your child about the first day; remark on how smart they look in the new school uniform, hand out a brand new pencil case or lunch box to mark the day, take a photograph as they set out to school.
• Follow the school’s guidance on saying goodbye; generally, it’s best to make it short and sweet. If you start emoting over your child it will inevitably cause upset, so keep it brisk, positive and cheerful.
• Be ready and waiting to pick up your child after school. Make sure that they’ve coped with the new environment – check that they managed to find the loos, negotiated the lunch queue etc. Any practical teething problems can be ironed out immediately. Don’t bombard your child with questions straight away – the first day at school is always exhausting, and you can subtly extract information over the course of the evening.
• Never dismiss your child’s anxieties. Problems that seem trivial to you may appear to be insuperable to an anxious five-year-old.
• Sometimes you have to leave a screaming child in the capable hands of the reception teacher – it’s obviously extremely distressing for you, but most children do not cry for long after their parents have left. If the school is cooperative, you can always ring up the office later in the morning to check how it’s gone.
• If your child doesn’t want to go to school, or complains of a tummy ache, don’t panic – you will need to find out why, as gently as possible. Bear in mind that children will often make extremely dramatic statements: “Everybody hates me”, “Nobody will play with me”, which are usually not true. The first course of action is to discuss the issue with the class teacher – you will find it reassuring, and staff at school, who are well used to these problems, will pay your child a little more attention at break and lunch time.
• It’s easy to get into a state about how your child is faring in the school playground, and most of us have conjured images of a lonely figure on the sidelines while everybody else plays happily together. This is the stuff of nightmares, not reality – schools are extremely proactive when it comes to ensuring that children are socialising and playing together.
Image: 'The Plumb-pudding in Danger' by James Gillray, depicting British Prime Minister William Pitt the Younger and Emperor Napoleon of France
In an era of political upheaval, we find ourselves forced to witness a daily drama where questions of loyalty, probity, trust, populism, integrity and wisdom are played out on the political stage.
We have decided to take a leaf rom the book of Rev Dr John Trusler, who speculates on all these questions in his A System of Etiquette (1805), which is so much more than a mere guide to etiquette and manners, providing a detailed speculation on how to behave in all walks of life. He turns to Advice to a Son by Sir Francis Osborne, a statesman under Charles I, in providing his invaluable guidance.
Dr Trusler sees public life as an arena in which a gentleman can display upstanding values, such as loyalty and integrity. He execrates broken promises, and believes that a gentleman’s word is his bond and his good reputation is priceless. However, his elevated sense of morality does not prevent him from being very cautious about the notions of friendship and trust, and he firmly believes that to be over-confiding or foolishly credulous is very hazardous. It is, in his view, safer to look at friendships with a cynical eye and to operate with the utmost discretion. Finally, he strongly exhorts his readers to ‘call wisdom to the helm’ when they find that their own errors have trapped them – they should never let their resistance to admitting they were wrong lead them towards disaster.
“Promise cautiously, but keep it inviolably. Make not your promises too cheap, nor promise to the full extent of desire, lest tiring in performance or becoming a bankrupt in power, you forfeit repute and purchase certain enemies for uncertain friends.”
It is all too easy to promise the earth, on the lazy assumption that – further down the line – promises can be forgotten and broken, and you will not be held to account. This is very rarely the case, especially in public life, and leaving a trail of broken promises will ultimately harm your reputation, ensuring that people see you as unreliable and untrustworthy.
“It is easy to keep an enemy at arm’s length, the difficulty is how to guard against a friend. This is done by communicating no more to him than discretion or necessity shall warrant you to reveal. Trust a friend therefore no further than the line of reciprocal interest doth extend.”
Close friendship can easily lead to a tendency to trust too much and to confide more than you should – these acts of trust may come back to bite you, especially if it is in your friend’s best interests to betray you. You are much more likely to behave with discretion and caution if you are surrounded by people who clearly prioritising their own interests.
“Do not imagine those more capable of trust, whom you have formerly obliged. Charity seldom goes to the gate but it meets with ingratitude. Those proving for the most part the greatest enemies, that have been bought at the dearest rates of friendship…”
Favours given are frequently believed to create reciprocal bonds of gratitude and obligation, but it is a mistake to believe that these acts of charity will ultimately be paid with interest. In many cases, the feeling of indebtedness that benevolence engenders can create feelings of enmity.
“Covet not fame, for experience has taught us that she carries a trumpet which gathers round her generally more enemies than friends. Let your conscience be your sole applauder; popularity is but a public breath, and like air rushes most forcibly into a vacuum – wise men slight it.”
Seeking fame and celebrity at any cost is a dangerous game, which is likely to win you enemies. It is therefore advisable not to make popularity your main goal, but instead to focus on doing the best job you can, while remaining firmly constrained by your own conscience.
“Before you join any party, consult all the objections that can be made against it, but once resolved, desert not your party on any account: if you perceive the post you are in to totter, you may procure your preservation by all honest endeavours, but never change sides. If you cannot with prudence continue where you are, retire.”
Thoroughly investigate and research any group or party before you declare your allegiance to it, but from this point on remain loyal to your choice. Even if it is clear that your position is in jeopardy, or that the edifice to which you have pledged your loyalty is in danger of collapse, you must not switch sides. If all else fails, you should simply resign.
“Should you find yourself strike upon the rock of danger, or be moored in an inconvenience, cast obstinacy over-board, and call wisdom to the helm, which with the aid of moderation and compliance, will always keep an error from growing worse, if not expunge it quite.”
Allowing yourself to become ensnared in erroneous thinking, which you then compound by adhering to your opinion no matter what, is a dangerous policy. Enlist wise advice, accept that you have been wrong and re-group. Your ability to follow advice and switch direction will be much more impressive than a dogged belief that you are right.
Some members of the older generation have chosen to opt out of the whole digital universe, even if it is increasingly difficult to do so. They feel happy to adhere to their traditional choices: letters, calls on their landlines, newspapers, television. If this is a definitive decision, they will undoubtedly find nagging and proselytising about the joys of the internet exhausting and irritating.
However, an Office of National Statistics report in 2021 showed that internet use amongst people aged 75 and over had risen to 54 per cent in 2020, and this figure is likely to have risen during the pandemic lockdowns. It is becoming increasingly apparent that most of our everyday functions are linked to internet access – from doctors’ consultations and appointments to online banking and bill management, we find ourselves ever more tied to new technology.
Rail companies are considering ditching paper tickets so people can only book online, car parks are increasingly making the transition to apps and digital payments, supermarkets are rolling out yet more self-service card-only check-outs, and any attempt to make contact with the local council or the utility companies will inevitably be met with a recommendation to visit the website, where the nearest you can get to personal communication is a chatbot.
This brave new digital world trumpets speed, convenience and efficiency, but many of us have discovered that, when things go wrong, it is nigh on impossible to talk to a real person or engage in any meaningful human contact.
All these problems are greatly magnified for older people who are tentatively learning to use the internet, or a smartphone, for the first time. Actions that have become intuitive for successive generations of computer and phone-users are baffling and unnatural for older digital novices. Websites and apps are frequently not designed with failing eyesight in mind, and older people often find it hard to navigate complex, multi-click user journeys or even to understand the arcane new vocabulary of the internet. The multiplicity of passwords and log-ins can cause a distressing information overload, and all too often people feel locked out before they’ve even begun.
In addition, the internet has opened us all up to ever more creative forms of fraud and deceit. Older people are vulnerable to plausible fraudsters who cold-call them and persuade them to give away vitally important security information, or to download software or click on links, giving fraudsters access to bank accounts or computers. It is scarcely surprising that some older people are extremely wary of the whole digital world.
If you spend every waking moment online and communicate almost exclusively through digital media – emails, social networking, video calling, texting and so on – you may find it difficult to accept that not everyone is the same.
Don’t wax lyrical about the convenience of online shopping and the delights of social networking to someone who has shown no interest in even owning a computer and is probably alarmed by the prospect. Respect the decision and accommodate it – make phone calls or send letters if necessary, or act as a digital proxy – and never complain.
If, however, you see tentative signs of interest, then it is worthwhile gently pointing out that the internet has its uses – sharing family photos, downloading podcasts and crosswords, emailing…
If your hints bear fruit, think carefully about useful ways in which you can initiate older people into the online universe, keep them safe, and help them to get the maximum benefit from the digital world.
Ways to Help
• Establish what the person wants to do online and make this a priority. In the first instance, it will dictate what kind of equipment they should choose.
• Help choose a broadband supplier or mobile provider and assist with the initial setting up of connections.
• Help them to choose the right equipment: a desktop pc might be the best choice, as there will be a larger, more legible screen and a more robust keyboard. However, they may be more interested in a tablet, which can be carried around the house, or used while sitting in an easy chair.
• If they are interested in a smartphone, choose a model with a large screen and magnify the display to ensure it is legible.
• Put all the most important contact numbers into the smartphone, if they have elected to use one, and demonstrate accessing them.
• Set the computer or tablet to load automatically to the most frequently used software and sites.
• Set up the browser home page with bookmarks to the user’s favourite sites. Ensure that the browser typeface is set to a legible font.
• Set the browser to remember passwords and log-ons on frequently visited sites.
• In the word processing programme load up a letter template, and display the icon prominently on the desktop.
• Go through all the privacy settings on social networking sites.
• Download an email programme and set up an email account. Save important email addresses, and install junk filters.
• Create a reference sheet that lists the most common keyboard commands – open, copy, paste, save.
• Take it slowly: maybe just concentrate in the first instance on a couple of useful websites (eg weather forecast, tv guide, news site). If the new user finds they can navigate to these sites, they will have a sense of achievement and feel ready to take more on.
• Mind your language. Words like ‘icon’, ‘browser’, ‘cursor’, ‘reboot’ are part of everyday parlance, but may very well be baffling to a new user. You might find words like ‘little picture’, ‘exploring window’, ‘pointy arrow’, ‘start up again’ are more useful. This may feel patronising, but if you have established that digital terminology is incomprehensible, creative language will be extremely useful.
• Remember that it is always easier to learn if you are actually doing, rather than observing someone else. If an older person has to sit and watch you darting around the screen with rapid clicks of your mouse or rattling out commands on a keyboard they may feel understandably daunted. Sit them down in front of the screen and let them do it from the outset, and remember an endless supply of patience is a virtue.
• If you feel that your pupil is really getting the hang of things, slowly initiate them into the internet world. In the first instance, this might simply be a matter of showing them how to use Google, and taking them to websites that chime with their interests – gardening, recipes, online chess and so on. You can also demonstrate the wonderful world of social media, podcasts and streaming.
• Once you are confident that they are in control, and only then, you can introduce them to the world of online banking and online shopping, but remember that this must be accompanied with dire warnings about fraud awareness and safety online.
• Finally, you may just have to accept that an older person is never going to become an internet wizard. You may be able to teach the basic commands, and bring your pupil to the point where they are able to send an email and navigate to a website and no further. You may still have to retain responsibility for other digital tasks, but at least you have opened up a little window into a new world.
The road to godparenthood is littered with good intentions. Being asked to officiate at the font is highly flattering; it feels like an endorsement of your credentials as a respectable adult, a vote of confidence in your personality, morals, good sense and so on.
Unfortunately, the glow of self-satisfaction can mask some harsh realities. Are you actually prepared to commit to a (possibly arduous) programme of bonding with a small child? Many of us have a godparent who used to be great friends with our parents but who have been a fleeting presence in our own lives. Some of us are, or have been, that elusive godparent and should never have agreed to take the job in the first place.
Eighteen years of birthdays and Christmases stretch out before you; will you be able to stay the course? Do you suspect that greedy ulterior motives have informed your selection? Is your childlessness or wealth a factor that has been taken into consideration? (Better gifts, help with school fees and potential legacies all rear their ugly heads…)
If you confront these issues head-on and still feel an overwhelming urge to say yes, then at least do it properly. Commit the child’s birthday to memory or note it in your diary or calendar – it will avoid embarrassing hints and nudges from the parents. If you don’t trust your ability to come up with the goods year on year, set up an annual standing order, or ask your wine merchant to set aside a suitable annual bottle, which will be available for drinking on your godchild’s 18th birthday (champagne will be a hit with both sexes).
Now comes the difficult bit. You really should make some effort to form a relationship with the child. Don’t panic if it doesn’t happen immediately – boring babies soon turn into chatty small children, and many people, especially those with no children of their own, will find that age is a definite improvement. If you really find face-to-face sessions with your godchild unbearably taxing, try and set up a relationship by letter or email – it’s better than nothing…
Eighteen years will soon flash by, and you may even find you have acquired a friend or ally. The demands on your bank balance are finite, but the relationship may prove to be lifelong.
Traditionally, a child has three godparents; a boy has two godfathers and one godmother and a girl has two godmothers and one godfather. Nowadays it is possible to have several godparents and the mix may vary irrespective of the sex of the child. So when approached to be a godparent, the first question to ask is ‘why me?’
• Parents approach friends or family members to be godparents for many reasons and they often choose specific friends for different reasons. It is less likely today that, as a godparent, you will be expected to become the child’s legal guardian should anything happen to the parents. However, if this were to be the case, there would need to be a formal statement of the parents’ wishes to accompany their will.
• If the parents are religious they will be looking for you to provide spiritual and moral guidance: find out what that means to them in practice and check that you share the same values, not just on religious matters, but on wider moral or ethical ones too. If you don’t, are they happy for you to share your values with their child when they get older?
• If the parents are not religious, they are usually seeking a ‘mentor’ who will watch over their child and steer him or her through life with love and care. Most importantly, they may also see the godparent as the person who will be there for their child should relationships at home become strained.
• Parents usually select godparents who will complement, or compensate for, their personal characteristics or interests. What are you expected to bring to the mix – adventure, glamour, sporting prowess, culture, humour, sobriety, sociability? Make no mistake, they will have mentally assigned to you some aspect of their child’s development; are you able to deliver?
• In some circles, godparents are regarded as trophies and are selected on the basis of the social and career opportunities they may afford the child in later life. If you feel this is the case then beware: your life as a godparent will be plagued by requests for favours and you will be expected to spend a fortune on gifts and treats.
• Some adults collect godchildren like stamps; they end up with an impressive collection but never do anything with them. So if you haven’t got the time or interest, then be honest and decline the role.
Assuming that you do want and accept the role, here’s our guide to being a good godparent:
• Ñever forget a birthday, Christmas or other significant date: it doesn’t matter if you’re a bit late but to neglect the big days in the life of a child is unforgivable.
• Call them on their birthday or at Christmas: if they never hear your voice you will always be a stranger to them.
• Find ways of keeping in touch at other times: when you go away on trips, send them postcards; if you see something in a magazine that might amuse or interest them, cut it out and send it.
• Show them how you dare to be different: let them see they don’t have to follow the herd and that it is alright to stand out from the crowd.
• Give interesting rather than expensive gifts: an unusual trinket from a foreign trip will be more meaningful than the latest electronic game or gadget – it’s tempting, but ultimately a bad idea, to splash the cash if you’re feeling guilty about neglecting your duties.
• If you have several godchildren, try and get them together once or twice a year so providing them with a ready-made circle of contacts and support for later life.
• Spend time with your godchild alone: do things which interest the child and give parents a break, that way you make friends with your godchild, who will return happy to refreshed and grateful parents.
• Never criticise or undermine their parents: it may be tough, but your job is to help the child understand their parents’ position and provide wise advice on how to deal with it, not to side with the child or deepen any existing rifts.
• When your godchild is old enough, share your mobile phone number and invite them to call you at any time for a chat.
• Try and be there occasionally for sports days, school plays, graduations: do not steal their parents thunder, but your godchild will appreciate your effort to be part of their life.
• Speak to your godchild as your equal: you have a unique opportunity to be one of their first grown-up friends who won’t judge or nag, and with whom they can share fears and doubts without looking silly.
How should you behave after you resign? Once you’ve submitted your letter of resignation and agreed your period of notice you are embarking on a strange interregnum. You may well feel that, mentally, you have already left the building, but resisting the temptation to embrace the vacancy, and behaving well throughout those strange few weeks may well have benefits both for yourself and your former colleagues.
Clearly, the more senior position you occupy, the more important it is to seek a ‘good’ resignation, not least because any tendency you have to down tools and absent yourself may well lead to feelings of lack of direction and inertia amongst your (soon-to-be-former) staff. They may well be asking themselves ‘is anybody home?’ and losing confidence in their employers, which could cause lasting damage.
The reasons for your resignation may well be an important factor in how you comport yourself. If you feel your hand was forced by dissent and disloyalty, or if you have suffered unfair treatment at the hands of your employers, you may well be overwhelmed by a vengeful desire to sabotage and disrupt. This can be manifested in minor, provocative acts of disloyalty and disengagement, but it is dangerous to let these feelings escalate to the point where you are doing real damage.
Unsurprisingly, ‘garden leave’ is popular with many businesses, especially when senior executives are resigning and they are in possession of confidential information, or have important client contacts. They are asked not to work during their notice period, even though they continue to be paid, and are still subject to the terms of their employment contract – for example, confidentiality. This arrangement safeguards employers against vengeful or unscrupulous resignees, who may well be tempted to poach clients or breach confidentiality for the benefit of their new company.
• Create a really detailed job description, so that your successor is comprehensively briefed and understands all the minutiae of your role. Cooperate fully and positively if you are asked to train your replacement.
• Discuss priorities with your manager and ensure that you understand if any open-ended projects require completion before you leave. If this is going to be problematic in the time available, be up-front about it, so that you don’t simply walk out and leave everybody in the lurch.
• Arrange meetings with colleagues and the rest of your team to discuss priorities during your notice period and also to look ahead and review the role your replacement will be required to fulfil.
• No matter how angry or badly treated you have felt in the past, make it a priority to present a calm and positive demeanour to all and sundry.
• Bad-mouth your employers to clients and contacts outside the organisation, who may well be avid for gossip and may even be keen to pick up scraps of intelligence that can be used against your employers. Ultimately it will do you reputation no good at all if you are seen as bitter and vengeful.
• Don’t disparage your company to the colleagues you’re leaving behind. You may well have legitimate grievances, but stirring up dissent and discontent amongst your colleagues will only leave them feeling unmotivated and unhappy after your departure.
• Don’t gloat to the colleagues you are leaving behind over your new job. You may feel like a very lucky rat w ho is leaving a sinking ship, but exulting over the fact that you’ve escaped and found a better job elsewhere is not going to win you any friends.
• No matter how keen you are to leave, conceal your feelings of indifference and inertia. Don’t make a performance of your disengagement with the job in hand – you’ll just undermine everyone’s morale.
Remember, leaving a good lasting impression and ensuring that there is a smooth transition following your resignation may have unforeseen positive consequences in your future career. Your good behaviour will enhance your professional reputation, ensuring that you will always be able to secure favourable references from former bosses and improving your employability in the future.
