There has been much commentary on social media about the increasingly bizarre tendency for pubs and restaurants to serve food in a wide variety of receptacles that bear no resemblance to a plate. At one end of the spectrum we’ve probably all encountered wooden boards and slates; the more extreme end encompasses everything from miniature shopping trolleys and upside-down umbrellas to goldfish bowls.
Clearly the search for novelty and talking points is relentless, while the pressure to create photogenic dishes that will make their way on to Instagram and the like is intense. But the fact is that food is for eating, and any receptacle that makes food less appetising or simply inaccessible is clearly not doing its job. Many of us will have watched, crestfallen, as ice cream, served on a slate, melts and runs inexorably on to the table. The more hygiene-conscious amongst us will ponder how some of these novelty items are cleaned; a cracked wooden board looks like a breeding ground for bacteria. The array of weird and wonderful receptacles appears to be a prime example of the triumph of style over substance…Over-elaborate presentation of the food becomes the talking point, and there is a suspicion that the wilder flights of fancy are masking dishes that are at best mediocre.
It seems strange that many novelty receptacles are taking us back to the dark ages of dining, when ceramic or metal tableware was not readily available. People in the Middle Ages ate off slices of coarse bread, which – at the end of the meal – were thrown to the dogs, or given to the poor as alms. These were known as trenchers (from the old French word, ‘tranchier’, meaning ‘to cut’). By the 16th century bread trenchers were replaced by more practical versions, made of wood for most of the population, and pewter or precious metals for the wealthy. Everyday trenchers, made of thin slabs of wood, were imported in large quantities from the Baltic region, or simply home-made.
By the end of the 16th century, wealthier people were beginning to use platters, initially made of pewter or fine metals. When costly Chinese porcelain began to arrive in Europe, the appetite for it was insatiable. The Dutch created much more affordable tin-glazed earthenware, called Delftware, which also became hugely popular in the 17th century. Eventually, after much experimentation, Europeans began to manufacture their own porcelain, pioneered by Meissen in 1708. By the mid-18th century French aristocrats were dining exclusively off porcelain tableware and the British followed suit. Wealthy aristocrats commissioned increasingly elaborate items of decorated tableware, which became a status symbol. Britain’s reserves of china clay were a crucial factor in the growth of British porcelain and other pottery. Decades of experimentation by innovators such as Josiah Wedgwood led to a boom in the manufacture of British earthenware and stoneware, which were much more affordable than porcelain. By the 19th century pottery had become a standard item in working class households and the true era of the plate had begun.
These eminently practical items have evolved over many centuries to become an indispensable part of everyday life. They can be merely functional, or beautiful and stylish objects that will enhance your table as well as your food. Why settle for anything else?
With so many contemporary designs and shapes available, these are simply guidelines, not rules:
• Side plates: Usually about 6 inches in diameter, these plates can be used for small starters or amuse-bouches, and also can be used for bread and butter.
• Pudding plates: Usually about 8 inches in diameter, these plates are used for puddings but can also be used for side salads. Not all puddings are suitable for these plates – for example a crème brûlée would be better served in a ramekin.
• Dinner plates: Usually about 10 inches in diameter and used to serve all main meals. These are the most indispensable items in your plate collection, so think carefully before you invest and bear in mind that plates with a larger diameter may not fit in your dishwasher.
• Soup bowl: For formal dinners soup should be served in a wide shallow bowl with a flanged rim and a diameter of approximately 9 inches. In less formal settings, and especially when serving a puréed soup that will quickly lose heat, you may opt for a steep-sided soup or cereal bowl, with a diameter of about 5 inches.
Self-deprecation is a trait that permeates British culture. It is a national characteristic – evident in a sense of history that, possibly uniquely, dwells on ‘glorious’ failures (the Charge of the Light Brigade, Dunkirk, Scott’s race against Amunsden). It is also a valued personality trait, which people find engaging and attractive.
The British have a horror of what they call ‘blowing your own trumpet’, and are deeply averse to earnestness, pomposity and self-importance. Statements that, in another culture, would simply be attributed as confident expressions of self-esteem, are interpreted in Britain as boastful and self-aggrandising.
If you want to avoid being misunderstood, learn to downplay your attributes and resort wherever possible to understatement. People will read between the lines and admire your modesty.
Self-deprecation can be deeply confusing to outside observers. The problem is that the British should not be taken at face value, and it would be wrong to judge their bumbling modesty, self-effacing apologies and downplaying of their own achievements as in any way genuine. In fact, the ability to conceal feelings of bombastic pride, superiority and self-satisfaction is a sure sign of social success and secure status in Britain. It takes great reserves of good luck and natural ability to rise to the position where you are confident enough to adopt an air of ironic self-deprecation and sheepish self-mockery. First and foremost, self-deprecation comes from a position of strength, not weakness; it is emphatically not an expression of lack of self-esteem, but an oblique projection of poise and self-assurance.
In many social circles it would be seen as hopelessly gauche to admit to striving hard for recognition or affirmation, be it taking exams (much is made of non-revision and inspired improvisation), or securing the top job (winging it at the interview with very little research or preparation is much admired). While it is perfectly possible that gallons of midnight oil have been burned during meticulous exam preparation, and much private anguish has been suffered before the important interview, it would be seen as bad form to own up to any exceptional expenditure of effort.
A tendency to broadcast achievements or boast about wealth or status is seen as ‘showing off’, a childish character trait that is greeted with opprobrium. Show offs are loftily disdained for exposing their insecurity, neediness and naked ambition.
Naturally, these strangely nuanced character traits are not shared by many other nationalities, and seem to fly in the face of contemporary admonitions, much aired on social media and in self-help advice, to stress your personal ‘brand’, believe in yourself and ascend the career ladder, wafted gently to the top on a cloud of self-belief and self-esteem.
But what happens to you when it all goes wrong? Or even when it doesn’t go quite as well as hoped and expected? When your blustering ambition and drive has fallen flat, where do you turn? If you have managed to hang on to a modicum of modesty and an ability to make fun of yourself, you will probably find that you are surrounded by supportive friends, who find it easy to relate to you, pick up the pieces, and help you move on. Even if you have succeeded in reaching the giddy heights of your aspiration, a sprinkle of self-deprecation and self-mockery will go a long way towards keeping your feet on the ground, ensuring that you are likeable and acceptable.
None of this means that we shouldn’t recognise other people’s success. We all need to avoid tall poppy syndrome, where we decry other people’s drive and ambition, and pour scorn on their achievements. Deprecating yourself is fine (as long as you don't overdo it), but that doesn’t mean you should extend your disparagement to everyone else. When you see other people thriving or flourishing, it is basic good manners to acknowledge their attainments and encourage their success. Failing to do so is an embarrassing sign of resentment and envy. If they choose to meet your compliments with a large dose of wry self-deprecation, so much the better…
You know you’re the luckiest person alive to have landed your perfect partner, but when it comes to their relations, the laws of probability may not be on your side. You’ve upset the balance of their family: at best you’ve swelled the ranks, further dividing the pot of love and attention; at worst you’re the cuckoo in the family nest, stealing their beloved son/daughter/brother/sister.
Even wonderful in-laws can create problems. If they’re warm, uncritical, unfailingly supportive, always pleased to see you, dedicated and hands-on with their grandchildren and generous at Christmas-time, this might play merry hell with your relationship with your own less-than-perfect parents or siblings. Families can be fiercely competitive, and you may find yourself the focus of an undignified tug of love, which can be extremely painful if children are involved.
Treat a bad in-law as you would childhood chicken pox. You don’t want it, you don’t deserve it, you can’t really do much to alleviate it but it’s a necessary evil and if you stay calm and are careful not to aggravate it, you’ll come out barely scarred. Comfort yourself with the thought that your partner chose to leave the bosom of his/her family and create a new family with you – if the in-laws are truly toxic then your cleverest plan is to sit tight, behave immaculately and trust that there will be no doubt about which family is the better bet. As for perfect in-laws, don’t boast about them to your own family (that way lies perdition), just secretly rejoice in your good luck.
• It’s your job to interpret your own family dynamic, customs and traditions for your partner. Don’t just leave your partner to sink or swim, give them some warning about no-go areas, things your family cherish, well-established family rituals, family feuds. This should be reciprocal, so you will be well briefed when it comes to dealing with your in-laws.
• Behave impeccably at all times. Whatever the provocation, keep your mask of good manners intact.
• If you are subjected to criticism of your housekeeping, child-rearing etc., smile graciously. Try and ignore the criticism, treating it as merely irritating white noise.
• If the criticism persists, you could opt for humour and self-deprecation. Shrug, smile charmingly, say ‘you’re probably right… I was always hopeless at this kind of thing’ and move on. With any luck your charm and good grace will show them up for the carping, sour-faced critics they really are.
Alternatively, you can go for the out-and-out adulation defence. Just turn your face into a mask of awe-struck admiration, sit (figuratively) at their knees and ask them to teach you everything they know. Alternate intent listening with nauseatingly effusive compliments, and they’ll soon get fed up with the mentoring role.
• Whenever possible, ask for advice from your in-laws (for example on financial or house-related matters, or parenting). They will feel flattered to be asked – after all, everyone likes giving advice. You will have your own views about whether to follow it.
• Try not to criticise your husband or wife to your in-laws. Even if they’re sympathetic and think their son/daughter is a bit of a wastrel, you can be sure that, at some level, visceral loyalty will eventually kick in. Your confidences may come back to haunt you and, if that is the case, will certainly be held against you.
• Similarly, be very careful about criticising your in-laws to your husband/wife. This isn’t necessarily a no-go area – some couples find criticising their parents’ behaviour both therapeutic and helpful – but you need to be sure that criticism isn’t going to elicit a defensive reaction, or be held against you in the future.
• Always stick up for your partner. You may find in some families that your support is enlisted when it comes to berating an errant son or daughter. No matter how tempting it is to side with your in-laws and reap the benefits, remind yourself that your first loyalty is always to your partner. If his or her parents’ criticisms are legitimate, they should be discussed later and in private.
• Take the lead from your partner when it comes to relating to your in-laws. You may enjoy chatting to your mother every day, while your husband rings his once every six weeks. Don’t berate him for the lack of contact; accept that every family dynamic is different.
• Whatever you do, ensure that both you and your partner present a united front. This is particularly important when dealing with potentially difficult issues, for example plans for Christmas.
• If you have reached a point where the in-laws really must be confronted – perhaps you have found their babysitting worryingly deficient or their interference in your life has become unbearably onerous – this must be done together. It is always a bad idea for you to take the lead role in any confrontation; your partner’s loyal support is imperative.
• Remember that good manners will get you a long way when it comes to building a relationship with your in-laws. Send thank you notes for hospitality and presents, and ensure that your children are similarly effusive. Bring gifts of flowers or drinks when you’re visiting. Note down birthdays and anniversaries and send cards and presents. Always remember to thank you in-laws for any help they have given you, for example babysitting or DIY, and never take these kind gestures for granted. Even if your meticulous courtesy is not appreciated, you will know you have done the right thing and cannot be found wanting.
• If all else fails, and you find yourself in an increasingly pernicious relationship with your in-laws, you should speak diplomatically to your partner and explain why you are finding it difficult. You may be able to negotiate with your partner about the amount of time you spend together – he or she might be willing to visit their parents on their own from time to time. It will help family harmony if you can manage to find a compromise; conceding that you owe it to your partner to spend some (limited) time with his or her parents, no matter how difficult, will certainly be less damaging than estrangement.
• Above all, remember your in-laws are individuals in their own right, not simply your partner’s parents. Their personalities and way of life have been formed by their own history, experiences, and family background. Don’t let your partner’s over-familiarity inform your own relationship with his/her parents. Make an effort to really get to know them – listen to their stories, look at family photographs, exchange confidences. The chances are that, by taking an interest in them as human beings, you will find new ways of making a success of this vital relationship.
We’re in peak holiday season and our etiquette experts have turned their attention to the wonderful world of out-of-office emails.
Who would have thought that these innocuous email footer messages could be so controversial? Yet there are many pitfalls that really should be avoided:
• Oversharing
Do you really need to share the details of your upcoming absence with your entire email circulation list? Do suppliers, potential clients, managers, or new contacts really need to know about the specifics of your holiday plans, your upcoming operation, your kids’ holiday schedule, your sabbatical aspirations etc.?
• Virtue Signalling
Few messages are more irritating than smug statements about emotional priorities. Even a simple statement like “I’m off work and am planning to spend some quality time with my family” seems designed to make the rest of us feel like workaholic wage slaves who are neglecting our nearest and dearest.
• Boasting
Using an out of office message to brag about your yacht, your second home in France/Italy/Spain, or your expensive hobbies is just tone deaf. Rubbing the noses of your colleagues or employees in your good fortune is not an effective way of fostering team spirit.
• Under-communicating
At the opposite end of the spectrum, a message that simply states “I am not here”, with no details of return date or alternative emails to try, is worse than useless. It states the obvious, and provides absolutely no solution, so is guaranteed to irritate the recipient.
• Over-protesting
Using ‘out of office’ replies as a way of signalling how frantically busy you are (rather than to alert recipients to your absence) is not very professional. A message like “Due to the large volume of email messages I receive, I cannot reply to them all. If I have not responded within three business days, please try again” signals incompetence and grandiosity rather than industriousness.
• Self-importance
Using an out of office message on normal work days to advertise your inaccessibility is completely redundant. A message like “I am in client meetings between 10am and 4pm and will only be checking my emails after 4pm” is not intended to assist potential correspondents (who will surely be able to wait a few hours), but to signal to the world that you are an important, much sought-after person, who is in wall-to-wall meetings with clients.
• Overusing
Some people think nothing of using an out of office message whenever they leave their desk – whether they are at work-related meetings or on a lunch break. These redundant messages are simply ways of advertising indispensability, implying that – even when the guilty party has just popped out for a quick cup of coffee – there will be panic and consternation because they are not immediately available.
So how do you leave a helpful message that avoids all the above pitfalls? These are our recommendations:
• Remember to use an out of office message when you’re going to be absent for a day or more. It will ensure that people do not feel frustrated by your silence, or fear that you are ghosting them.
• Be polite. Don’t just launch in with “I’m on annual leave”. Preface your message with a greeting, such as “Thank you for your email”.
• Be concise. You really don’t need to add any elaboration to your simple message: “I am on annual leave until ….” Or “I am away from the office until…”
• It is important to give a specific return date – many recipients will be happy to wait until you return rather than pursuing an alternative route.
• If it is appropriate, direct your email correspondents to a colleague who can help, or alternatively give them details of a general enquiries number or help desk. Ensure that all the contact details are correct, and full names of members of staff and job titles are included.
• If you are directing enquiries to a colleague, make sure that they are available during your absence, are aware that you are enlisting their assistance, and are happy to be the point of contact while you are away.
• If you are reachable while you are away, say so. This might be a matter of adding a phrase like “I will be checking my emails from time to time”, or you might be willing to take phone calls. If that is the case, include your number: “I will be available on xxxxx xxxxxx” or “please text me on xxxxx xxxxxx and I will get back to you.”
• If you are reachable while you are away, but would prefer not to be contacted, it is quite acceptable to say “If your enquiry is urgent, please call me…”, which will deter most people and ensure that you are not inundated with calls.
• End your message politely. If you have not re-directed the recipient to a colleague, say something like “I will be in touch with you as soon as possible after my return.”
• Finally, remember to switch off your out of office when you return. It’s really frustrating trying to communicate with your newly-returned colleague and having your email bounce back when you can clearly see the recipient sitting on the opposite side of the office!
Many of us will have been confronted, at a formal dinner or in a renowned restaurant, with a daunting arrangement of cutlery. We all repeat the mantra that we have been told many times before – just work from the outside-in – and we do our best.
Yet, until as late as the 17th century, the British were used to food being served on large communal platters, and eating with their fingers or spoons. Forks, which had been used on the continent since the Middle Ages, were seen as effete and affected. Thomas Coryat, a 17th-century English travel writer commented: “The Italian…doe alwaies at their meales use a little forke when they cut their meat [and if] anyone should unadvisedly touch the dish of meate with his fingers from which all at the table doe cut, he will give occasion of offence unto the company, as having transgressed the laws of good manners.”
The English eventually began to recognise the hygiene benefits of using one’s own cutlery in the aftermath of the Great Plague of the 1660s and gradually began to adopt the fork, though it was an expensive item, which only slowly filtered down from the dining tables of the upper classes. By the Victorian era, the British had embraced the fork with a vengeance: there were forks designed for every purpose, from eating sardines to spearing asparagus. It is scarcely surprising that many diners began to feel cowed by extravagant arrays of cutlery.
The practical guide to cutlery that follows is interleaved with quotations from Routledge’s Manual of Etiquette (1875). In essence, the precepts and proscriptions remain much the same, but it is clear that the Victorian diner was subjected to a much more rigorous implementation of the rules:
Cutlery that you will encounter on a day-to-day basis includes: large knives and forks, small knives and forks, teaspoons, dessert (pudding) spoons and forks, and tablespoons.
Extras include blunt knives for butter, fish knives, soup spoons, and extra small spoons for coffee, or for salt and mustard.
Special jam spoons, or alternatively dessert spoons, should be used for jam or honey (the jars should be placed on small plates where the spoon can rest), not teaspoons.
Teaspoons are also used for tea and coffee (if extra small spoons are not available), or for eating grapefruit or boiled eggs.
The fork and spoon are the only utensils that should go into the mouth. Soup should be tipped into the mouth from the side of the spoon, which should never be held at a 90° angle, and there should be no sucking or slurping. Never lick the knife or eat off it.
“In eating soup, remember always to take it from the side of the spoon, and to make no sound in doing so.”
“We presume that it is scarcely necessary to remind our fair reader that she is never, under any circumstances, to convey her knife to her mouth.”
If using a knife and fork together, always keep the tines of the fork pointing downwards, and push the food on to the fork. Try to avoid turning the fork over and using it as a scoop.
For foods that are eaten with just a fork, including some pasta and some fish, transfer the fork to the right hand and use it with the tines facing upwards, like a spoon.
“Silver fish-knives will now always be met with at the best tables; but where there are none, a piece of crust should be taken in the left hand, and the fork in the right. There is no exception to this rule in eating fish.”
“Peas are eaten with the fork; tarts, curry, and puddings of all kinds with the spoon.”
Do not hold your knife like a pen. The handle should lie in the palm of the hand and is secured by the thumb on the side and the index finger on top of the handle. It is permissible in a restaurant to ask for a steak knife if the meat is tough, but rude to ask for anything extra in a private house.
Always eat puddings with a spoon and fork (both should always be laid); the spoon should be a dessert spoon. Ice cream may be eaten with a teaspoon, or a long teaspoon if served in a tall glass. Sorbet, served between courses, is eaten with a teaspoon.
When eating, bring the fork or spoon to the mouth, rather than lowering the head towards the food. Bring the food promptly to the mouth and do not gesticulate with the knife and fork.
When finished, the knife and fork (with tines facing upwards) or spoon etc are placed on the plate in a six-thirty position.
Bread is broken, and eaten, with the fingers, and it is quite acceptable to use fingers to eat soft fruit – the only fruit that requires a knife and fork is pineapple. It is considered quite acceptable to eat asparagus with the fingers:
“Some very well-bred people eat it with the fingers; others cut off the heads, and convey them to the mouth upon the fork. It would be difficult to say which is the more correct.”
Stoned fruits, such as cherries and plums, are also eaten with the fingers, and we recommend that pips and stones are discreetly conveyed to the side plate with the fingers:
“Some put the stones out from the mouth into a spoon, and so convey them to the plate. Others cover the lips with the hand, drop them unseen into the palm, and so deposit them on the side of the plate… the last is the better way, as it effectually conceals the return of the stones, which is certainly the point of highest importance. Of one thing we may be sure, and that is, that they must never be dropped from the mouth to the plate.”
Few of us can resist the sight of baby bridesmaids, pageboys and flower girls. Their function is primarily aesthetic; they look impossibly cute as they follow the bride down the aisle, melting the stoniest hearts. They are frequently nieces, nephews, cousins, godchildren or offspring of the couple, and inviting them to be part of the ceremony is also an excellent way of consolidating family ties and making everybody feel closely involved.
However, a baby screaming during the exchange of vows or a rambunctious toddler running up and down the aisle can also be a maddening disruption, which will tarnish memories of the wedding day. For some couples, children are the sine qua non of their wedding day, for others they are complete anathema.
When you’re sitting down to plan your wedding, you will inevitably need to address this issue. So, firstly ask yourselves the following questions:
• Do most of your friends have children? Not many of them will be able to arrange childcare, so a no-child policy might mean that many of your best friends won’t be able to come.
• Is the venue child-friendly? Will there be room for children to run around and let off steam? Will providing child-friendly food be a problem?
• Are the majority of your guests coming from distant places and staying overnight? If that is the case, they will hope that they can bring their children as well.
• What is the timetable of the day? If the wedding and reception run well into the evening, it might be too late for young children.
• Do you have your own children? It would be more fun for them if other kids also joined the party.
Underlying all these practical issues, there is one key question that you must discuss honestly with each other. Do you love having children around and see weddings as being all about families and mixed generations? Or do you want to have a perfect and stylish day, which is all about conversation and sophisticated socialising in a beautiful setting?
If you tend to the latter view, then you will probably want an adult-only wedding, and it is therefore imperative that you clarify this decision when you send the invitations out (see below). The last thing you want is ambiguity or confusion. You may well find that the situation is not entirely straightforward – it might cause a real rift if you don’t invite the children of your very closest relatives, or if you want young children to act as bridesmaids and pageboys, and you will need to acknowledge that scenario as well.
If you are happy to have children at your wedding, you must take positive steps to accommodate them and ensure that they have the best possible day. Happy children will also be much less disruptive…
The child-free question must be approached explicitly and there are several ways to deal with this conundrum. These are examples of wording, which can either be added to the invitation itself, or displayed prominently on the guest information sheet:
• Blame the venue: “We are sorry, but due to restrictions at the venue we cannot accommodate children.”
• Be completely honest, no excuses needed: “We are sorry we are unable to invite children to our wedding, and hope that you will still be able to attend.”
• Only babes in arms are allowed: “We are sorry, this is an adults-only wedding, with the exception of children under 12 months.”
• Children are only allowed at the ceremony or the reception: “Children are welcome at the ceremony; the evening reception is for adults only” or “Children are welcome at the reception; however, only wedding party children will be attending the ceremony”
• Children of immediate family (or who are in the wedding party) are included: “Due to numbers restrictions, we are only able to accommodate the children of close family”, or “We are only able to accommodate the children in our wedding party”.
If you’re happy to include families with children, bear in mind that it will be a long, and at times boring, day for young children, and as boredom levels rise anarchy will inevitably follow. So pre-empt these difficulties, by putting some time and thought into ways of keeping children entertained – their parents will be eternally grateful, and young guests will be able to enhance your wedding day, rather than creating mayhem:
• Organise a children’s-only table at the reception (preferably out of earshot), and make sure that it is supervised. You can enlist the help of a friend’s teenagers, or you could invest in a magician or entertainer.
• Very young children will probably be happier to sit with their parents, but if possible arrange for them to be served a ‘special’ children’s menu.
• Goodie bags, which are placed on the table before the meal, are a wise investment. You can include no-staining coloured pencils and drawing books, or quiet toys to keep the children entertained.
• In the summer, let children play outside as soon as they’ve finished eating (no forced silence while they listen to endless speeches). A bubble machine will keep them entertained or you could even invest in a bouncy castle.
• If you are hosting an evening reception at a hotel, a children’s babysitter is a wise investment. The children can be gathered in one place, where they can play, watch a movie, or even fall asleep after the exertions of the day.
No matter how much time and planning is put into accommodating children at weddings, a substantial amount of responsibility still resides with the parents. So, if you are bringing children to a wedding, be considerate and plan ahead:
• Come equipped with favourite toys, books, crayons etc. Party bags might be provided, but you should definitely have back-ups.
• If your child is attending the church service or ceremony (or maybe even part of the bridal party) bring small toys or even treats such as raisins to placate them and keep them distracted during the ceremony. Don’t bribe them with sweets or chocolates or you might find that they become hyperactive.
• Agree with your partner who is going to take prime responsibility for very young children before the ceremony begins. If they start to cry, take them outside immediately – of course you will be sorry to miss the proceedings, but at least the wedding can carry on without disturbance and your prompt action will save the day for the bride and groom.
The honeymoon period is over. Friends and relations have stopped cooing and showering you with gifts, and normal life has (more or less) resumed, except for the incontrovertible fact that you now have a baby.
As far as the rest of the world is concerned, you will be seen as an acceptable parent if you manage to minimise the amount of baby-related fuss you generate. People will be tolerant of a baby as long as it doesn’t intrude on their personal space or disrupt their enjoyment/concentration. So follow these simple rules when attempting to re-ignite your social life following the arrival of a baby, and you will be beyond criticism:
• Be flexible when you’re out and about. You may have elevated bedtime rituals to the status of a religious ceremony at home, but these arcane practices are not really appropriate in a social situation. Work on ways of helping your baby relax in a range of circumstances – a favourite cuddly toy, a comfort blanket, a particular music box tune that signifies sleep… If your baby’s sleeping habits are reasonably adaptable you may be able to prolong the period of ease and portability.
• Be wary about taking on entertaining challenges. Only contemplate inviting friends to supper when you’re confident that you have got the bedtime routine in hand. They will be deeply discouraged if they arrive in the middle of protracted, and sacred, bedtime rituals, which would certainly appear to indicate that food and adult company is a very distant prospect.
• Be vigilant. You may well have child-proofed your own home, raising precious glass ornaments to above waist height, locking away bottles of bleach, adding gates to the stairs and safety covers to your electrical outlets – but have your friends? When you’re in someone else’s house, your baby’s safety is your responsibility. Nobody else is accountable for potential accidents (although it helps if they’re at least aware), so watch out.
• Respect other people’s possessions. A crawling baby will inflict all kinds of disruption on a home and, while the chaos may not be life-endangering, a non-parent may find it distressing. Don’t just sit there, chatting happily, while your baby systematically removes all the books from the shelf in order to place them in a teetering pile. Your friend may well be having kittens. Monitor reactions, pre-empt the problem by finding a more suitable distraction, tidy up any baby-related mess.
• Always bring the baby’s toys. To minimise the amount of damage your infant does to your friend’s possessions, and to buy a little peace and quiet, always bring a small bag of ‘distractions’ when you’re visiting friends. A few plastic bricks, a couple of books, a cuddly toy, a rattle may just keep the child busy while you’re chatting.
• Always remove a screaming baby. All babies cry – for a painfully long period this is their only way of expressing needs and desires. But that doesn’t mean that everyone else has to suffer. Be very aware that – of necessity – you will build up an uncanny ability to block out your baby’s screams, but this nonchalance is not shared by the rest of the world. The safest reaction is to remove the baby as soon as it starts to cry; take it into another room, into the garden, outside the restaurant… It’s boring for you, but your friends will really appreciate your efforts to save their shredded nerves.
• Try not to mix up baby time and adult time. Bringing a howling infant to the dinner table when you’re eating with friends is going to kill the evening stone dead. Try and keep baby-related mayhem to the minimum, and absent yourself to calm the baby down. Your guests will understand and will appreciate your efforts.
• No baby talk. Everyone succumbs to highly embarrassing behaviour around a baby when they’re alone, but you must be aware that this is a social liability. Nobody knows how to react to a gurgling, lisping parent – baby talk is a strictly private vice.
• Take it outside. If you and your partner are frazzled and nerves are getting frayed, don’t start rowing about whose turn it is to change the nappy, prepare the next feed, take the screaming baby into the garden etc. in front of your friends.
• Sticky hands and snotty noses are common among small children, particularly toddlers. Try to keep them a safe distance from your friend's new cream trousers or immaculately ironed shirt.
“It is a great mistake for men to give up paying compliments, for when they give up saying what is charming, they give up thinking what is charming.” Oscar Wilde
It comes as no secret that genuine compliments benefit both the giver and receiver. The recipient feels the warm glow of appreciation and endorsement; the complimenter feels the positive benefits of noticing, and appreciating, a good thing – be it behaviour or appearance. Compliments encourage a feeling or reciprocity, of one good turn deserves another. They can be effective at work, where they encourage productivity, and they will oil the wheels of social intercourse, gratifying hosts and guests alike.
Compliments on personal appearance in the workplace are highly contentious, however. In particular, workplace ‘compliments’ from more senior men to women are inappropriate and discomfiting – implying that a woman's success is primarily defined by her appearance. This perception is what continues to hold women back in the workplace, and women would be highly unlikely to reply in kind to men who hold positions of power in the office hierarchy. Of course, amongst colleagues who are also friends, an exchange of compliments is perfectly acceptable.
That said, compliments are freighted with layers of social anxiety and self-consciousness, and some people find them very hard to give or receive. There is a fine line between a genuine compliment and flattery. The latter is a self-serving compliment, designed to gratify the recipient to such an extent that they feel in some way beholden to the flatterer. The fear that words of praise or approval could be mistaken for fawning or flattery is enough, for some people, to deter them from ever uttering an innocent compliment.
So how do you get it right?
• Compliments are much better when they are sincere. We have all been guilty of complimenting something that we actually do not really like, or over-complimenting, but there is a real risk that the recipient will detect the insincerity and recoil from it.
• Be observant and focus your compliment on something specific you have actually noticed. It is much better to say something like “I love that dress – the colour really brings out the blue of your eyes” than “You look nice”.
• Never damn with faint praise (“I’m really surprised by what you’ve managed to throw together”), or give a compliment with one hand and take away with the other.
• Be cautious about very personal remarks, which could refer to weight or health issues, and are best avoided. A remark like “You look so slim – have you lost weight?” could easily be heard not as a compliment, but as a comment on earlier weight issues.
• Don’t be stingy about compliments – the more you give the more naturally they will flow. You will get into the habit of noticing people and making positive comments without any awkwardness.
• Utter the compliment at the moment when you are feeling positive and spontaneous, not as an afterthought, and it will feel more genuine – don’t wait until you are leaving a dinner party to praise the food, for example.
• Recognise and accept that certain compliments, while they may not be utterly heartfelt, are important tools in your social armoury. If you go to someone’s house, eat their food and spend an evening in conversation without uttering a single positive remark (on the décor, the food, the hosts’ appearance, the wine, etc) your hosts will naturally feel they have been found wanting and will interpret your silence as disappointment. You are an unfortunate guest indeed if you can find absolutely nothing worthy of a genuine compliment.
• Use compliments to get the ball rolling. They are an excellent tool in small talk, and an effective way of getting a conversation started. A compliment will ease you over any awkward bumps in the conversation and, if you’re hesitant about offering praise to a person you don’t know, you can always revert to complimenting a third party, eg the host (“These canapés are delicious – Julia always gives such brilliant parties”).
• If you are the recipient of a compliment, smile and say thank you, and do not demur. Try to avoid self-deprecation (“oh this old thing”), which is typically British and can make the person paying you the compliment feel they have done the wrong thing and dent their confidence.
• Don’t receive a compliment as a pretext for boasting (“Oh, do you like it? It’s unique – I got it for next to nothing from this wonderful silversmith I discovered in Rajasthan” etc etc).
• Avoid a kneejerk tendency to downplay the praise you are given. People do this because they are taught to value modesty and don’t want to come across as conceited. But the result can be an undignified dispute with the person who offered the compliment in the first place, who feels obliged to re-affirm the original praise.
• Never interrupt someone who is in the middle of giving you a compliment, as if to indicate that it is no big deal and should be brushed under the carpet. All compliments, no matter how small, are significant and you owe the person who is handing out praise the courtesy of listening graciously.
• Never respond to a compliment by giving a knee-jerk compliment back. The recipient will – rightly – regard it with suspicion.
The powerful impact of hand gestures in communication is often overlooked. Research indicates that people who use hand gestures tend to be viewed as warm, agreeable and energetic, whereas people who do not gesticulate very much are seen as cold and analytical.
Gestures are clearly linked to speech and in fact can help to clarify thought, enabling people to formulate coherent notions and speak in a clearer, more declarative language. Gestures are often used to underscore points that are being made, and thus can help us to understand what is being communicated. The more energetic gestures the more passion they seem to convey.
Sometimes, however, gestures do not align with what we’re actually saying, and this can induce feelings of confusion or mistrust. They can also appear to be too exaggerated – flailing arms and sweeping hand gestures can look out of control and distracting, especially if you are on Zoom, where tics, gestures and facial expressions are all objects of forensic focus.
• Opening your hands with your palms at a 45-degree angle indicates that you are being honest and open.
• Palms facing each other with fingers steepled indicates that you are thoughtful and authoritative.
• Hands clasped together in front of you indicate that you are nervous and tentative.
• Hands fiddling with hair, face, beard etc express palpable feelings of anxiety.
• Sweeping, expansive hand gestures convey that you are talking about a large idea or concept, but if your gestures are consistently exaggerated you will look chaotic and undisciplined.
• If you do not use your hands at all you may come across as disengaged and disinterested.
Inevitably, our hands come under close scrutiny when we are speaking in public, or presenting. Hand gestures can be deployed to reinforce our message and to send subliminal messages of conviction and confidence. They can be invaluable tools in communicating our ideas to our audience, but there is also a risk that they will undermine what we are trying to say or betray our nerves.
• Occasionally reinforce your message with explicatory hand gestures, but don’t do it too often or it will look over-rehearsed. For example, if you are talking about a small number
you can pinch your fingers together; conversely, a large number or important point can be expressed by opening the arms out wide. Use your fingers to indicate numbers below five – this simple gesture will lodge in the minds and memory of your audience.
• Holding your open palms outstretched towards the audience is a great way of conveying honesty and integrity. It subliminally indicates that you have nothing to hide.
• Keep your hand gestures to the sweet spot, the area between your hips and shoulders, if possible. If your hand gestures do not stray beyond this zone you will not run the risk of looking over-excited, out of control, or disorganised.
• Try not to point. It’s tempting to do so if you are making an emphatic pronouncement, especially one that relates directly to the audience, but it looks aggressive and will make your audience recoil. If possible try to reinforce your point by making a short chopping motion with an open-palmed hand – it will feel less combative.
• If you feel you’ve lapsed and have used an inappropriate gesture, don’t panic. Just drop your arms to your sides for a few moments, which will act as a re-set. Don’t leave your hands by your sides for too long, however, as it will look stiff and robotic.
• Don’t cross your arms – it looks defensive and inaccessible. It is quite easy to default to this position when you’re not speaking, for example when you are being introduced or when you are listening to questions from the audience.
• Never wring your hands; this means any position where you clasp your hands together, with or without intertwined fingers, and move them back and forth, which communicates nervousness and anxiety. If you feel the temptation to do so, steeple your fingers instead – this will express a moment of thoughtfulness before you move on to the next topic.
• If you want to convey sincerity you can place your hand on your heart, but don’t over-use this gesture or trot it out when you’re making a banal assertion – it will look cheesy.
While shyness can be crippling in the young, it has a shelf life. The sheer terror of social interaction for children or young people can be strong enough to induce debilitating physical symptoms – blushing, shaking, stammering, sweating hands, even tears – but research has shown that this is associated with as yet undeveloped social skills, the unfamiliarity of the situation and the anticipation of that unfamiliarity, rather than being a manifestation of a deeper form of introspection or social anxiety. While it seems like a character trait, it is more often just a symptom of the fear of the unknown.
Ordinary shyness can be conquered by simply putting yourself into timidity-inducing scenarios and forcing yourself to join in; however terrible it feels the first time, the second time will be exponentially better.
Parents of naturally shy children are pivotal in influencing which way that shyness will go – gently handled and carefully introduced into non-threatening gatherings where they can develop their social skills at their own pace, these children will gradually shrug off their shyness.
But if parents constantly excuse their children in front of others, “I’m sorry, little Charlotte is really shy” or actively tease them for their shyness, for example by calling attention to their blushes, while doing nothing to soothe the underlying anxiety, then they should not be surprised when the shyness escalates.
When shyness accompanies you into adulthood, it can be isolating, and is easily mistaken for aloofness or an intolerance of other people’s company. It can also be a manifestation of acute self-consciousness, a painful hypersensitivity to the scrutiny of other people.
Not everyone is an extrovert, who loves nothing more than meeting new people and plunging into the social maelstrom with all guns blazing. We have to accept that there is a spectrum of personality types, and some people are simply less outgoing.
You can learn to live with a tendency towards shyness, and accept that there are also some benefits. Firstly, you will be the last person to broadcast your achievements or boast about your amazing attributes, and as a result you may well appear to be pleasingly modest (though don’t let yourself become too self-deprecating).
Your modesty will make you approachable. You will not come across as arrogant, swaggering or threatening, and other people will naturally be more comfortable around you (though make sure you don’t come across as aloof).
Shy people make excellent friends. As a shy person, you will find getting to know people can be challenging, and you will eschew the easy intimacy of the extrovert. But when you do befriend someone it will be because you have invested a great deal of emotional energy into the process, and you will value the friendship more deeply.
Shy people tend to be self-sufficient and are therefore very good at working alone, without seeking the validation of others or the congeniality of teamwork.
If you feel that shyness is holding you back, however, it can be mitigated and even overcome by turning your attention away from yourself and focusing instead on the people around you.
Don’t make the mistake of relying on drugs or alcohol to mask your shyness – they will certainly disinhibit you, but it is a very inexact science and you may find your intoxicated antics only serve to increase your self-reproach and make you more likely to withdraw further.
The first step in conquering shyness is to recognise that you are probably overestimating negative scrutiny, and to silence the nagging voice in your head that is your own sternest bully and critic. Try and approach situations with an optimistic belief that they will be a success. Deflect your attention from yourself and your perceived shortcomings by focusing on other people: ask pertinent questions, listen carefully, respond intelligently. People love to talk about themselves.
Many shy people cope well in professional situations because they have a defined role and status. This is less apparent in a social context, but you can alleviate anxiety by taking on a useful role: meeter and greeter; person who takes the coats or directs guests to the cloakroom; supplier of drinks; person in charge of music; buffet assistant. If there are no hosting opportunities, set yourself the task of being an enthusiastic participant in the event – if you praise the venue, the drinks, the food and so on to other guests they will warm to your positivity, and it will provide a good starting point for further conversation.
Consciously focus on small talk. This is a social skill that will improve the more you practise it, and it will stand you in excellent stead on all social occasions. Think about topics that you can bring up in conversation: from the banal and non-challenging (the weather, your surroundings, how you know the host etc) to the more profound (current events, career paths, life experiences). Ask questions, but also make general observations that will elicit responses, so it doesn’t look like you’re conducting a rapid-fire interrogation. Focus on your companion – engage in eye contact, don’t let your gaze wander, listen carefully. You will soon find yourself deep in animated conversation.
Remember that you are not the central component of every social interaction, but a small cog in the wheel. By protecting yourself behind a shield of good manners, you will find an antidote to your shyness.
