“You desire to be a person of ‘good standing’ in society. How do you stand?... If you are awkward, you are more likely to manifest your awkwardness in standing and walking. Do you know where to put your feet and what to do with your hands?”
This perennial question is posed in one of our favourite guides to etiquette, How to Behave: A Pocket Manual of Etiquette and Guide to Correct Personal Habits, 1865 (price sixpence).
The anonymous author goes on:
“It seems a simple and easy thing to walk, and a still easier and simpler thing to stand or sit, but not one in twenty performs either of these acts with ease and grace. There are a hundred little things connected with attitude, movement, the carriage of the arms, the position of the feet and the like, which, though seemingly unimportant, are really essential to elegance and ease. Never despise these little things, or be ashamed to acquire the smallest grace by study and practice…
Avoid, on the one hand, the stiffness of the soldier, and on the other, the ape-like suppleness of the dancing master; and let there be no straining, no fidgeting, no easy shifting of position... The same general principles apply to the sitting posture. This may be either graceful, dignified, and elegant, or awkward, abject, and uncouth. The latter class of qualities may be got rid of and the former acquired; and depend upon it, it is a matter of some consequence which of them characterises your position and movements…
Slovenliness in walking characterises some. They go shuffling along, precisely as if their shoes were down at the heel – ‘slipshod’ – and they could not lift up their feet in consequence… Some have another awkwardness. They lift up their feet so high that their knees are sent out before them … Some saunter along so loosely they seem to be hung on wires; others are as stiff as if they supposed only straight lines were agreeable to the eye; and others, again, run the chin forward considerably in advance of the breast, looking very silly…”
The Victorians were subjected to countless admonishments by their etiquette experts; many seem ridiculously pernickety to the modern eye, but some recommendations echo contemporary preoccupations and insights. Like us, the Victorians acknowledged that our body language is a vitally important clue to our character – slumping, fidgeting, shuffling, loping, strutting and standing stiffly are all traits that leave an unsettling, and unfavourable, impression, seeming to denote a lack of confidence, shyness, shiftiness, arrogance or nervousness.
So how do we achieve those twin Victorian goals of grace and elegance? The etiquette experts at Debrett’s have put together the following recommendations:
The mnemonic TIGER is a simple and practical way of improving your posture and ensuring that nervousness or social anxiety is not reflected through tension in your body and through trying to make yourself smaller:
• Tauten your abdominal muscles. This will improve mobility in your hips and spine, and has the added advantage of giving your voice a lovely centred resonance.
• Inhale: breathe slowly and properly, with your stomach out as you inhale. Be careful that you don’t breathe into your shoulders. You won’t get as much oxygen like that.
• Grow: stand tall but with your feet firmly on the ground. Stretch yourself to your full height by imagining that you are being pulled upwards with an invisible piece of string. At the same time roll your shoulders back. (This process also works when sitting down).
• Equalise: distribute your weight equally on each foot – to do otherwise means tensing up one of your legs, making you look unsteady. Relaxing and feeling the ground beneath your feet makes you feel … grounded!
• Relax: let your arms hang loosely at your side, or bend your elbows and keep your hands in front of you – clasp them loosely if that’s comfortable. Don’t put them in your pockets or touch your face.
• Once you have deployed the above technique to stand tall, make sure you maintain it when you start walking and don’t revert to a hunched-over-the-computer slouch.
• Try and project your gaze about 20 feet in front of you, and avoid looking down at your feet.
• Make sure your shoulders are rolled back and not hunched up towards your ears.
• Let your arms swing freely from your shoulders, not your elbows, and move them forward and back like a pendulum – don’t let them go any higher than your chest. Swinging your arms helps the efficiency of your movement and looks natural as long as you don’t overdo it; not moving your arms looks stiff and uptight.
• With each step, roll lightly from heel to toe, and avoid flat-footed plodding. Aim for a smooth movement. You may think over-lengthening your stride looks dynamic, or bouncing up and down as you walk looks lively and enthusiastic, but both these movements put a strain on your joints and should be avoided.
• Use the TIGER mnemonic to ensure that you are upright and sit in the middle of the chair. Relax your shoulders. This will prevent you hunching over or slouching in your chair.
• Position your knees at the same height, or slightly lower than your hips if at all possible.
• Think about your legs. Women may want to avoid crossing their legs at the knees or intertwining their legs, especially if they are wearing a skirt that may ride up. Instead they should cross their legs at their ankles or place their feet together, then position their feet slightly to the side. Whatever position they choose, they should ensure that their knees are together.
• Men should avoid manspreading – sitting with their legs wide open, or resting an ankle on the opposite knee. Both these postures look arrogant and sexual.
• The best place to put your hands when you are sitting is to let them rest loosely in your lap. If the chair has arms, be wary of placing an elbow on the arm, as this will tempt you to use your hand – now at face level – to fiddle with your hair, beard etc. Never fold your arms when sitting down as it looks wary and defensive.
The UK is currently experiencing a stationery renaissance – specialist shops are opening up in many high streets, selling carefully-curated collections of notebooks, writing paper, woven envelopes, fountain pens, and an eclectic range of inks.
In a digital age, when we are meant to be heralding the arrival of the elusive paperless office, this nostalgia fest may seem charmingly niche. But as letter-writing, calling cards, correspondence cards, At Home cards, and the whole panoply of Victorian-style correspondence disappears, a substantial minority of us are still clinging on to the satisfyingly stylish remnants of a lost age.
As we all become increasingly keyboard-savvy it feels as is handwriting is rapidly becoming a dying art. We grip the pen uncertainly, our fingers unaccustomed to the position, our movements stiff and unwieldy. Many of us no longer possess a quality fountain pen – once it was the gift of choice for graduations, school-leavings, 18ths and 21sts, but now it seems increasingly irrelevant, its pre-eminence supplanted by laptops, tablets and mobile phones.
But it is vitally important that you do not succumb entirely to the march of the keyboard. Useful as a keyboard is for the tedious minutiae of daily life – the forms, emails, texts and messages – it doesn’t really pass muster when it comes to truly meaningful, personal communications. An important letter, whether it is congratulations on the birth of a new baby or condolences on a death, simply must not be typed. Typewriting carries with it the cold hand of officialdom, the impersonal atmosphere of bureaucracy, the taint of administrative efficiency. Handwriting, on the other hand, is spontaneous, personal and heart-felt.
Even if your handwriting is execrable, illegible or embarrassingly babyish, you must never shy away from the obligation to use handwriting for personal correspondence – thank yous, letters of congratulation, condolence, important news updates. Your handwriting is deeply individual, instantly recognisable, and sends strong subliminal messages about your personality – the complete antitheses of a bland text message.
Try your best to inject some style into your calligraphy; throw away the cheap biros and felt tip pens, and invest in a good quality pen – you could even choose a distinctive and stylish coloured ink from the huge range now available. Embrace the act of writing with enthusiasm and, even if your scrawl is beyond redemption, your correspondents will be grateful for your efforts.
If you have taken the trouble to purchase a pen and ink, and have made an attempt to brush up your handwriting style, it would be a shame to sabotage your efforts with cheap and nasty writing paper. The writing paper you choose, like the clothes and fragrance you wear, is a reflection of who you are. From the weight and weave to the colour and dimensions, stationery is a deeply personal style statement, so think carefully about what you want to convey.
For many people the simplest option is the traditional. They opt for reassuringly thick paper or card (white or cream) and, if they are venturing down the bespoke, headed route, elegant typography (a classic serif like Baskerville or Garamond, or a flowery italic). Nobody could question your social credentials with such solid stationery on your side. You will be seen as a pillar of society, an upholder of traditions, and deeply conventional.
For some people this option is simply too boring. In their eyes, it lacks originality and personality, conveying only cautious conservatism. They choose the flamboyant – brightly coloured paper, zany typography. This stationery is the equivalent of comedy ties, eccentric hair colours and wacky hats. It takes real aplomb to carry if off.
There is a middle way – slight adjustments in colour (dove grey or duck-egg blue instead of white or cream for example) and typography (there are millions of fonts to choose from) will convey assured individuality, without forcing the message. After all, you may be using your stationery to write difficult things – letters of condolence, regrets for non-attendance, news of illness – and you wouldn’t want a sombre message to be undermined by comedy writing paper.
Preparations for the wedding are underway, the bridal team has been selected, and the bride is contemplating her future.
The hen party is the perfect way to bid goodbye to the bride’s single life and to herald new beginnings. It is traditionally organised by the chief bridesmaid, with the help of the other bridesmaids and close friends. Other permutations are increasingly common – often a group of the bride’s closest friends take charge, or one highly organised individual steps up to the plate and takes on the role of party-planner.
Only wedding guests should be invited to the hen party, and family invitations are a matter of personal choice – the mother (and future mother-in-law) of the bride may choose to attend the more genteel and sedate proceedings that characterise the start of many hen parties, such as an afternoon tea or spa session, leaving her daughter and friends to party into the night. If mixed generations are involved in the hen party, it might be a good idea to divide it into two parts, consigning the rowdier antics to the evening and planning less challenging and more indulgent activities for the daytime.
Whoever organises the hen party must budget carefully, and ensure that all the costs – including the bride’s share – are divided between the attendees (a breakdown of costs should be emailed to guests before the event, and agreed upon). It is important at this point to consider who is coming and to think about everyone’s budget – an expensive weekend abroad may well be beyond the reach of some of the guests, or may stretch some people’s finances to breaking point. Nobody is going to enjoy a hen party if it puts them under severe financial strain, so it might be preferable to think creatively about unusual ways to enjoy a weekend together (eg a glamping trip to the country with long walks and cosy pubs) rather than defaulting to the lazier option of distant destinations, five-star hotels and expensive meals out.
First and foremost, the organisers must remember that a hen party is specifically a celebration of, and for, the bride. It is not an excuse for a group get-together, and it is important that, when planning activities, the bride’s character and tastes are everyone’s prime consideration. If the bride is a sporty, outdoorsy person, for example, she may be much more likely to enjoy an afternoon of white water rafting than a beauty makeover or trip to a spa. It is all too easy for the majority of guests, and their tastes, to carry the day when planning hen party activities, and the event irrevocably drifts away from its prime focus, the bride.
The bride’s personality should also be taken into account. If she is shy or demure, she probably won’t enjoy being forcibly dragged out of her comfort zone. If she is a raucous, extrovert party-goer, then there is much more leeway when it comes to planning evening activities such as clubbing or drinking games. While there may be plans to keep some of the details of the celebrations a surprise (by no means essential), party organisers will definitely have to consult the bride when it comes to deciding whom to invite. They also might want to make gentle enquiries about the bride’s preferences and establish whether there are any definite no-go areas.
• It is perfectly acceptable to turn down an invitation to a hen party. In the first instance, you will need to tell the organiser you won’t be coming (this can be done by text or email), but you will also need to give an honest explanation to the bride herself in person (you have other commitments, you can’t afford it, these sort of events make you uncomfortable). Suggest an alternative, low-key celebration (such as a dinner out) to soften the blow.
• Only consider accepting an invitation to a hen night if you are prepared to fully commit to everything that is on offer and participate in all the celebrations. The last thing a bride needs is a party-pooper who is watching, bored or disapproving, from the sidelines.
• If you’re the party-planner, don’t become over-obsessed with perfection. Minute planning, relentless WhatsApp group chats, bossiness, and over-anxious marshalling of the group are all symptoms of an understandable desire not to disappoint the bride. But if you’re not careful you’ll kill all spontaneity, and everyone will feel over-managed.
• Make sure everyone is having a good time. It is quite likely that some of the guests at a hen party won’t have met before, so ensure that everyone is introduced and that seating arrangements are conducive to everyone getting a chance to meet and chat. There’s always a risk that a large clique of the bride’s old friends will dominate proceedings, leaving a few stragglers feeling left out, so do your best to prevent this happening.
• Pace the intake of alcohol. There will obviously be lots of drinking – it’s a celebration after all – but if you’re not careful the hen party will be memorable only for staggering drunkenness and catastrophic hangovers. Timetable the day so there are activities and breaks from drinking – a session in a sauna, a swim, a walk, horse-riding, afternoon tea.
• Don’t feel oppressed by the clichés. We’ve all seen hen parties staggering around town – brides with crowns, learner plates and sashes, printed t-shirts for the rest of the group. That is one option of course, but there is no necessity to include any of these elements. The best hen parties are uniquely tailored to the people involved and everyone is free to do precisely what they, and the bride, will enjoy most.
• Remember at all times that this event is primarily about the bride – it is your chance to make a fuss of her, relax and have fun. You are there to celebrate your friendship and herald the start of a new era in her life. This party is not primarily about you, so make sure you take the back seat, and don’t get over-excited and over-dominant.
• If the hen party is the work of one or two organisers (as opposed to a communal endeavour), then it is only polite to send them a thank you note shortly after the event, expressing your gratitude for all their efforts. Organising a successful hen party is hard work, and you should all acknowledge their input, both during the celebrations (a formal toast to the organisers is a nice gesture), and after it’s all over.
Our perception of what constitutes ‘old age’ is changing. Older people are staying healthier for longer and pride themselves on retaining their youth, so the business of respecting our elders can be tricky. In times past, older people occupied an elevated position in society and were treated deferentially, but this can now seem disproportionate or even patronising. However, some people will expect this and you must trust your judgement.
In practical matters, always be patient. When travelling on public transport, it is perfectly correct to offer your seat to a person who appears to need it more than you, but don’t be offended if they decline and don’t let this put you off in the future. If you are in conversation with someone who is hard of hearing, avoid shouting or speaking more slowly than usual. Speak clearly and articulately, and be guided by them. Be patient: older people may eat more slowly and walk more slowly than their younger companions.
If you are an older person, show reciprocal patience and respect for your juniors. A polite response will go a long way. Reacting badly to what you consider to be an over-the-top demonstration of respect will embarrass and discourage younger people from acting kindly in the future. Remember, cantankerousness is not a privilege of old age.
• Never make the crass assumption that old age is inevitably partnered with senility. Talking to older people as if they’re confused infants is the height of bad manners. Confusion and vagueness are not inevitably, or necessarily, the exclusive preserve of old age, and you should – as with all social encounters – assume (unless proven otherwise) that the person you are talking to is of sound mind.
• Similarly, never assume that older people are deaf as posts. True, some older people are hard of hearing and, if that is the case, it will become immediately apparent (frequent repetitions of ‘pardon’, head craned towards the speaker, hands held to the ear, bizarre responses, or simply instructions to “speak up!”). If none of these symptoms are displayed, assume that you are talking to someone who can hear what you are saying and speak at a normal volume. It is unforgivably rude to shout at an older person as if he or she is an imbecile.
• Different times, different manners. It is probably safe – unless you are instructed to the contrary – to assume that the older generation expects slightly more reticent and formal manners. This means taking the conversation at a slower pace, refraining from instant intimacy, censoring off-colour jokes and stories, not swearing, and being respectful of, for example, religion (which might play an important role in the older person’s life).
• Be very careful about names. Many members of the older generation are very uncomfortable about the universal informality of today’s society. They were brought up to believe that using a person’s title (‘Mr,’ ‘Mrs’, ‘Dr’, ‘Reverend’ etc.) was indicative of the respect that was owed an older person, and they find the instant use of first names insulting and disrespectful. When first meeting an older person, it is probably safest to adopt the default position of using a title and – when the time seems right – to actually ask if it’s acceptable to use the first name (“Do you mind if I call you Mary?”).
• Be patient. Everybody slows down as they get older and everyday tasks (walking, eating, making the tea, finding the correct change etc.) will inevitably take longer. You must accept this with good grace.
• Always offer help and assistance to older people. If somebody refuses, don’t be deterred in the future – there will always be people who are proud of their independence and reject offers of assistance, but they are the exception rather than the rule.
This means offering your seat on public transport, helping older people to pack at the supermarket checkout, carrying bags (off the train, for example), holding open doors and waiting patiently, offering an arm if the going is unsteady.
Ghosting somebody means abruptly disappearing from their life by ceasing all contact and ignoring their attempts to contact you. It is a term that has been much used of late, especially in relation to terminating fledgling romantic relationships, and it has been theorised that this sort of conduct, which has always existed, has been greatly exaggerated by the casual anonymity of dating apps, and the relative isolation of modern dating culture, which means that behaviour within relationships is not being monitored by friends and family, making it relatively easy to sever all ties.
Ghosting does not just occur in romantic life, it also spills out into friendships and work relationships. Once the poisonous tendency to terminate contact without a backward glance is unleashed, it can be deployed in many contexts, from cutting off contact with a friend or relation, to simply ceasing to correspond with a client, colleague or consultant without any excuse or elucidation. Many people will have experienced a prime example of professional ghosting, when they are interviewed for a job, receive positive feedback, and then never hear from the employers again.
It goes without saying that this type of behaviour, in all its manifestations, is extremely distressing. The person who is ghosted may well suffer initial anxiety and incredulity, and probably will not fully comprehend what has happened until they have bombarded the ghoster with (unanswered) calls, texts and emails. The dawning recognition that they have been ghosted brings a range of emotions: they will feel rejected and disposable, and – because they have not been given the explanation they are undoubtedly owed –worthless. They may find themselves obsessively trawling through the remnants of their relationship, poring over photos and old correspondence in an attempt to find a rational reason for the rejection.
Ultimately, they will move on, and this will happen because they begin to recognise that it is the ghoster who is worthless – they are unreliable cowards who cannot deal with the emotional repercussions of their decision, who lack empathy and respect for other people.
Ghosting is lazy and cruel. If you don’t wish to see somebody again, simply face up to the situation and tell them so: the initial sting of rejection is far preferable to that person having to endure weeks of uncertainty over the relationship, speculating about what they might have done wrong, or even fearing that you’ve been mown down by a bus without their knowledge.
You might have a clean record when it comes to ghosting in romantic relationships or friendships, but don’t get too complacent. A careless lack of regard for other people’s feelings, a tendency not to follow through, to terminate communication rather than to take the trouble to reply, is increasingly apparent. This may well be a manifestation of our communication revolution – we have so many ways of connecting with each other that we’re beginning to experience a sensory overload, which may well lead to a tendency to simply bow out.
In days gone by, when posted letters were the only way in which people could correspond, it would have been considered the height of bad manners not to reply, within reasonable time (a few days), to any letter. Any failure to do so would have demanded an explanation and an apology.
So why not take a leaf from our ancestors’ book and be meticulous about all your relationships? If someone contacts you with a question or a request and you cannot help them, write a polite note to say so, do not leave them hanging on. If you receive a friendly email from a long-lost friend, acknowledge it, even briefly – you can always explain that you’ll reply at greater length later, but at least you can express pleasure at the contact. If someone invites you to an event, RSVP immediately – if you really don’t want to go, it’s an easy avoidance tactic to put the reply on hold, but it’s very bad manners to do so. And if you’re an employer who is interviewing aspiring hopefuls for a job, don’t leave the rejected candidates optimistically waiting for a response, without a word of explanation.
Most of us will recognise that ghosting people with whom you have had relationships, romantic or otherwise, is cowardly and despicable. But we also need to remind ourselves that if ghosting tendencies are creeping into our everyday lives, they should also be ruthlessly expunged.
Competitive spirit is a powerful urge to win, an indispensable attribute of athletes and sporting heroes everywhere. Whether you are a top-flight professional, a club player, or simply someone that kicks around a football in the park every Saturday morning with a bunch of mates, it is competitive spirit that infuses the sport with urgency, passion and commitment.
But, as with so many character traits, it can be a dangerous force when it is unbridled or extreme. It is easy to tip over into full-blown obsession, dangerous levels of self-castigation, and a treacherous propensity to undermine and mock opponents.
With roots in the Latin word competere, which means to meet or come together, competition is ideally about striving together for excellence or perfection, not about seeking to dominate, conquer or eliminate opponents. Legendary sporting rivalries between teams and individuals embody this spirit, and with it inevitably comes a respect and admiration for opponents, who are honoured rather than degraded.
It is all too easy for coaches, team managers, trainers and fans to whip up the competitive spirit, urging the competitors on, first and foremost, to win. This is scarcely a surprising aspiration, but in the aftermath of a famous victory it is always enlightening to take a close look at the behaviour of the competitors.
Was their behaviour sportsmanlike? Were they magnanimous in victory and gracious in defeat? Did they strut in triumph or sulk morosely when they lost? Did they accept the decisions of referees, umpires and linesmen with good grace, with no arguing or dispute? Were they civil to spectators and supporters or did they berate them for their lack of enthusiasm? Did they demonstrate respect to their opponents, before and after the event? Or did they demonise and bad-mouth them, creating a poisonous atmosphere outside the competitive cauldron?
Sport can push us to our limits, sometimes to breaking point. We’ve all witnessed the unedifying spectacle of international competitors wrestling unsuccessfully with adversity, ranting and raving, talking to themselves, screaming at anyone who’ll listen. Nobody would argue that this sort of personality breakdown is the price we have to pay for sporting success, so how do we harness the force of competitiveness for positive ends?
• Effective competitors are able to compartmentalise their behaviour – unleashing their formidable will, intensity and energy in the arena, but equally capable of being laid-back and easy-going the rest of the time.
• Competitors need to handle both winning and losing in order to foster their competitive spirit. Winning should spur them on to greater ambitions – consistent victories, record-breaking feats. Losing should drive them to intense self-scrutiny – analysing their shortcomings or weaknesses rather than blaming their opponents (or the crowd, stadium, weather, coach etc), and creating a strategy for eliminating them in the future.
• True competitors do not even need an opponent other than themselves. Their focus is always on their own performance, their own level of fitness, how they have improved their results over time. All their achievements contribute to a strong sense of self-confidence, which they then carry into the competitive arena.
• Setting goals – to improve fitness, break records or achieve great victories– and adhering to them, is how true competitors silence any niggling sense of self-doubt.
Of course, competitive spirit is not just about sport, and we are all encouraged to harness it, academically and professionally, in the great race to get ahead. But is it sometimes dangerous to be too competitive – both in sport and in everyday life?
• If your sense of competition is motivated by powerful feelings of jealousy and envy, you may well feel impelled to win, but the negativity surrounding your motivation will leave you feeling jaded and disappointed. Try and find more inspirational reasons for succeeding.
• The will to win can become so strong that you become obsessive. This state of blinkered single-mindedness may render you completely blind to other people, as everything becomes subordinated to your goal. Your behaviour will inevitably deteriorate as a result, and people close to you will feel sidelined.
• If the way in which you value yourself is by your achievements, then any failure can have a disastrous impact on your feelings of self-worth. You need to see the drive to succeed as a motivational force, but not as a defining aspect of your character.
• Constantly remind yourself about why you are competing and what you are competing for. Sometimes the momentum of the drive to succeed is completely overwhelming, and just takes over. This can leave you feeling disillusioned, wondering what happened to your goals and dreams.
• The 'winner takes it all' mentality can be very detrimental to your ability to cope with real-life situations, where you are required to work cooperatively in teams, live in harmonious, mutually-supportive families, and progress side-by-side with your peers. If your competitiveness means that you can no longer be a constructive team player, you may have gone too far.
The traditional practice of withdrawing from the world when the front door was closed has completely disappeared. Mobile phones have revolutionised relationships, opening up multiple channels of communication, which allow us easy access to friends and contacts at any time of the day or night.
As work and social lives blend together, we find ourselves, and other people, increasingly available and the concept of the working day is becoming more and more elastic. With the upsurge in working from home, we may find ourselves sitting at our computers in our pyjamas at ungodly hours because we are confronted by a pressing deadline or simply because we concentrate better when the rest of the world is sleeping.
But however flexible our own days may have become, we must at least concede that this is not inevitably the case for other people. School days and office hours still adhere, more or less, to the traditional 9-5 timetable and it is generally accepted that it is inconsiderate to text or make calls late at night – for most people this means after 9pm.
The main reason for this is that people start to wind down by mid-evening and it is therefore rude to jerk them out of their pre-sleep routine, unless you have a very good reason. Many people find it hard to resist answering texts, and engaging in a text dialogue late at night is over-stimulating. We’re all very aware of good sleep hygiene these days and it is generally agreed that it is a bad idea to look at screens late at night, so why inflict your bad texting habits on other people? Of course there are exceptions to this rule – if you’re a real night owl and you have a friend who is similarly insomniac then you may well have an agreement between you that late-night texting is acceptable.
In general, it’s very poor workplace culture to assume that sending texts to colleagues after 9pm is acceptable. If that begins to happen, you may find yourself in a vicious circle where you feel obliged to answer your boss’s late-night texts because you fear that otherwise you’re not looking fully engaged. This is really pernicious – it is much better to let employees and colleagues disengage entirely from work late at night. With a few exceptions, nobody should be on duty 24/7.
For most people, late-night texts and calls mean one of two things: they have been ambushed by an inconsiderate friend or colleague or, much more worryingly, there is bad news about friends or family that cannot wait until morning. Most of us recognise the rush of anxiety and dread you experience when you’re woken by your phone late at night – you certainly don’t want to inflict that needlessly. While, in theory, it is possible to avoid late night disturbance by meticulously turning your phone to silent, you may still be bothered by vibrations or the screen lighting up on your bedside table and find the temptation to check out the latest updates irresistible.
If you feel the urge to text late at night, resist it. It is much more thoughtful to wait until morning (after 8am is a good general guideline, though you might want to leave it an hour or two later at weekends).
Our phones make us perpetually accessible, but always being on-call can become very stressful. Avoiding nighttime calls is considerate, because you’re recognising the need that everyone has to de-compress and switch off.
Tales of aberrant social behaviour amongst tourists abroad seem to be multiplying – from the American visitors who threw an e-scooter down the Spanish Steps in Rome, causing thousands of pounds worth of damage, to the everyday tales of rowdiness and drunkenness, skinny dipping and wearing swimwear in restaurants.
The difficulties seem to be most acute when it comes to flying. We’re all aware of the chaos and cancellations that have benighted the summer tourist season all over Europe, so it is quite probable that travellers are already feeling frazzled and over-emotional when they board the plane and these feelings are compounded by a liberal intake of alcohol from the drinks trolley. Mask mandates on airlines are becoming increasingly hard to enforce, and there have been scenes of violent disorder and disturbance on some aeroplanes where hotheaded holidaymakers have taken objection to the airlines’ policy and have had no compunction about protesting and disrupting the flight. All this before they even arrive at their holiday destinations…
Clearly people see holidays as a chance to let their hair down and behave with uninhibited abandon, ignoring cultural expectations and local rules and regulations. This tendency has become more acute since the pandemic – many of us haven’t had a holiday for more than two years, and we have spent much of that time in a strangely reduced world, where our social contacts and obligations have been forcibly curtailed. It is scarcely surprising, therefore, that we have forgotten how to behave in tourist hotspots, and are easily swept along by a dizzy sense of excitement and newfound freedom. The anonymity of being in a foreign land, well away from the restraining influence of home where our behaviour is monitored by friends, family and neighbours, can lead us to behave in ways that are entirely out of character.
Because, for many of us, the last two years have been fraught with difficulties, stress and heartache, we feel that we are now fully entitled to have a really good time, whatever the cost. This dubious sense of entitlement is problematic, as it blinds us to the fact that we may well be transgressing social norms in our holiday destinations, and causing offence to our hosts.
It is surely not too much to ask that we respect our hosts, moderate our behaviour and do our best not to treat foreign destinations as inviting playgrounds where nothing is off-limits. Nobody wants to end their long-awaited holiday being treated as a social pariah, or even being forced to pay fines for unruly behaviour or criminal damage. To avoid this unpleasant fate, follow our simple steps to becoming a responsible tourist:
• Check local laws and customs before you travel, to ensure that you do not unwittingly transgress local norms. Remember these may cover a wide range, from appropriate dress to table manners and behaviour in places of worship. (Find out more here)
• Demonstrate your willingness to respect local life and culture by learning a few phrases in the local language – you should certainly learn basics like “Good morning”, “please” and “thank you”. Do not assume everybody can speak English, and always politely ask locals if they speak English before you address them in your own language.
• Embrace the host culture by trying local food and drinks. Approach everything with an open-minded and positive spirit, ask for recommendations, and always show your gratitude and appreciation.
• If you are enjoying a beach holiday, always remember that there are many local people who live and work in the vicinity of your tourist resort. They may well be offended if you turn up in beachwear, or bare-chested and barefoot, in places such as banks, local supermarkets or non-seaside bars and restaurants.
• Visiting a foreign country is always an eye-opening experience and it is great fun to explore, especially if you venture beyond the well-worn tourist attractions. But don’t let your sense of curiosity lead you into unwittingly trespassing on private property. Be reticent about venturing into places that are not obviously open to the public, and always ask a local first.
• One of the great attractions of foreign holidays is the rich legacy of ancient sites and historic architecture that is on offer. Always treat antiquities with respect: follow instructions from custodians, don’t stray into roped-off areas, obey signs about photography and picnicking, never leave litter.
• There are some places you can visit where your hosts will encourage pure hedonism, ply you with ridiculously strong drinks, invite you to all-night parties, applaud your drunken antics and even tend your hangover the following morning. That is their choice. But in the vast majority of destinations, rowdiness and drunkenness are at best grudgingly tolerated. So think carefully before you book, and choose a resort that is well-aligned with your holiday aspirations. That way, neither you or your hosts will be disappointed.
• Keep a sense of perspective, and try and be as flexible and accommodating as possible. Things will inevitably go wrong – there will be cancellations or transport delays, mix-ups over hotel rooms or arguments over car hire. Do your best to maintain a calm and friendly demeanour – you’re a guest in a foreign country, so make sure you’re a good one.
17th July is World Emoji Day and we’re celebrating these handy little icons with a new guide to Emoji Etiquette.
In the early 1980s ‘emoticons’ were created using the existing punctuation, letters and numbers on the keyboard, to evoke humour or irony. Emojis were the next step: they first appeared in Japan in the late 1990s – the word ‘emoji’ comes from the Japanese ‘e’ (picture) and ‘moji’ (character).
These handy little pictographs soon spread worldwide, and eventually they were recognised by the Unicode Consortium and were included on all digital devices. They have continued to evolve and there are now over 3,500 to choose from, including a range of symbols, avatars, miscellaneous objects and human expressions and gestures.
Emojis are used to signal an emotion in a digital communication, and as such are usually positioned after the relevant text that they are enhancing. In a world of instant, fast and, inevitably, pithy communication, they can act as a useful adjunct, signalling a range of emotions, including humour, irony, frustration, sympathy and anger. They are also a good way of instantly creating a positive mood, often using symbols as a rueful way of relaying dreary, everyday updates (eg being delayed due to transport disruption).
They are so popular because text-based digital communication, whilst it has the advantages of speed and accessibility, is deficient when it comes to cues such as body language or tone of voice, which are such an important element of conversation.
Many of us love these handy little pictograms, enjoy browsing through the menu and finding new designs, use them liberally, and get real satisfaction when we find one that is entirely apposite. But when is it appropriate to use them, and can they cause offence? Our etiquette experts have created the following guidelines:
• Most people will use emojis in personal texts but, even if you are an avid fan of these useful little icons, it’s important to always be aware of the recipient. You might find, if you are texting an older person, that their tolerance for pictographic communication is quite limited, and it would therefore be a good idea to rein in the emojis.
• If you don’t know the recipient of your text very well, be cautious about using emojis, as they might think that you’re not taking the discussion seriously.
• Emoticons first evolved to indicate that the writer was ‘just kidding’, and emojis still carry that humorous legacy. They are therefore entirely inappropriate if you are dealing with bad news, when sympathy and sensitivity are called for.
• Never use emojis as a cop out, a lazy way of conveying a complex message that would be better communicated in words.
• If you are going online to review a site or service, think carefully about using emojis. A smiley face or thumbs up might be an upbeat end to a positive review, but you really do owe the service providers a more detailed and nuanced critique, and you can only provide that with well thought-out words and sentences. If your review is negative, then you certainly need to provide a more constructive response than a scowling emoji, which could well damage a business.
• Never use emojis when communicating with professionals such as lawyers, accountants, or doctors – you will come across as flaky.
• If you’re communicating with close colleagues at work in a non-formal way, it is fine to use emojis, as you would with friends, but do not use them in any email correspondence that is likely to find its way to managers or clients.
• If, in your working life, you deal with clients, customers or providers, do not use emojis. If they choose to use them, you can follow their lead and reciprocate, but be very careful about your choice of emojis, as you don’t want to come across as unprofessional.
• Do not use emojis when communicating with your boss or senior management (unless you work in a very casual environment).
• Be aware that the use of emojis in professional communications can be misleading. While many of us think that adding a smiley face at the end of an email or WhatsApp message looks friendly, researches at Ben Gurion University of the Negev have revealed that recipients do not read the emoji as a sign of warmth, but instead see it a signal of incompetence.
• If you are writing critical comments, don’t fall into the trap of thinking that a smiley or winky face will mitigate them, especially in a professional context. It is likely to cause irritation or confusion, so rely on impersonal, well-chosen words – no emotional gloss is needed.
• Whenever you feel the urge to use an emoji, especially in the world of work, see it as an urgent reminder to check your writing. You may well find that what you want to say can be much more clearly and elegantly expressed in a few well-chosen words.
As Britain swelters in the current heatwave, we are sparing a thought for the legions of workers who are forced to contend with uniform regulations and dress codes that are excruciatingly uncomfortable when the mercury rises.
While there are some places of work, particularly in the financial and legal sectors, that are implacably opposed to relaxing their dress codes, even in our increasingly frequent hot summers, there is a new flexibility in the workplace. This is partly to do with hybrid working practices, which are breaking down the old 9 to 5 rigidity and seeing offices as places which function best when employees’ needs are accommodated.
Nevertheless, there are quite clear demarcations between clothes that are suitable for the home and beach and office-wear, even in hot weather. As a general rule, never wear anything to the office that can be construed as beachwear – that includes vests, strappy tops, crop tops, kaftans, short shorts or flip-flops. Work clothes should enhance your aura of competence and professionalism, especially if you are in contact with clients and customers, not make you look like a laid-back beach bunny.
For some people, wearing casual clothes is counter-productive. Psychologically, they feel more work-focused in formal office clothes, and fear that a super-relaxed look will go hand-in-hand with sloppy work practices.
A compromise, which looks smart but is also comfortable, is certainly possible, so follow our recommendations below. It goes without saying that you will need to be acutely aware of your workplace culture, and check whether your choices are acceptable with your managers.
While there is a growing spirit of compromise in relation to workplace dressing, occasions on which formal dress codes are de rigueur are still an issue, especially for men, who will inevitably find themselves buttoned up in stifling, tailored clothing. White tie, black tie, and morning dress (the blight of hot summer weddings) are fixed dress codes, and there really is no room for ‘interpretation’ if you are requested to comply. All you can do is wait for the point in proceedings when jackets come off and a spirit of informality takes over.
The following recommendations are for offices, but can also be applied to social events where ‘smart casual’ is stipulated:
• Men’s traditional office-wear is tailored and heat-retaining, and finding a way of looking smart and feeling cool is a challenge. The obvious first step is to wear a pair of tailored shorts, in a dark plain fabric, that sit on or just above the knee. Most people associate short shorts with beaches, sailing, sports and swimming – they look out of context, over-casual and over-revealing when worn elsewhere.
• If shorts are a step too far for your office, you might be able to get away with loose-fitting cotton or linen chinos, preferably in a light colour.
• Short-sleeved polo shirts, or button-through short-sleeved shirts in linen or cotton will both look smart teamed with shorts and they can be worn without a neck-constricting tie. Bear in mind that natural fibres are a must when the temperatures rise.
• If you need more formality, choose an ultra-lightweight summer suit (silk, linen or seersucker is a good choice) and wear it teamed with an open-necked shirt.
• Loafers or deck shoes can be worn with shorts or chinos and you will be able to dispense with socks as well. You may even be able to get away with sleek, smart trainers (nothing too sporty).
• Dispense with tailored jackets and skirts if possible and opt for a lightweight, summer dress in cotton, silk or linen (it should be loose-fitting but not too voluminous) – if you need to look smart you can accessorise it with kitten-heeled slingbacks and a lightweight linen jacket.
• If at all possible, avoid wearing tights. If bare legs are considered beyond the pale in your office, choose a nude colour and the lightest denier possible.
• In a reasonably informal work environment it should be fine to wear smart open-toed sandals (avoid mule-like sandals with no back strap, which are more suitable for beaches), but make sure your feet are ready for exposure – if necessary, visit a nail bar and indulge in a pedicure and nail varnish.
