Litter is a modern curse. Our streets are strewn with packaging, takeaway containers, discarded bottles. The verges of our major roads and motorways are lined with windblown rubbish. Even country walks are defiled by dog litter bags that have just been left to rot. Sandwich wrappers, plastic water bottles and empty drinks containers are left behind on seats in trains and on buses. Litter is unavoidable and universal.
We’ve all seen offenders heedlessly lobbing rubbish out of car windows, casually dropping wrappers as they walk along the street, or blithely getting up from a seat or park bench, leaving the remains of their lunch behind them.
It goes without saying that failing to clear up your litter is a prime example of bad manners. Good manners are about ensuring that you minimise the negative impact that your presence has on others, and nobody’s life is enhanced by the sight of your rubbish and discards. Litter bugs are always identifiable by their lack of awareness or self-consciousness, their entrenched inability to see, or care about, the fact that their behaviour is anti-social or offensive.
If you have children, make picking up litter and clearing up after themselves a manners mantra, much like saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. If you manage to imprint good litter manners into your child early on, that behaviour will stay with them for life. They’ll refrain from dropping litter, and they’ll be offended by other people’s littering – they might even be brave or combative enough to call out littering offenders.
Take a long, hard look at your own behaviour too, and make it a golden rule that you will never leave any rubbish behind you. We’ve all been confronted by overflowing bins – especially at beaches and beauty spots – but that’s really no excuse. If there’s no bin nearby, or a bin is full, just make the extra effort to carry your litter to the next available bin, or bag it up and take it with you so you can dispose of it at home.
These are simple rules that we all need to adhere to, which will ensure that our environment is not degraded and despoiled. They are also useful rules for living, as they require us to be alert to our environment and conscious of the other people with whom we are sharing the planet.
This International Women’s Day we've delved into the past to look at the experiences of women in the 1800s.
The advice that is given in A Manual of Etiquette for Ladies, by ‘A Lady’ (1856) is a vivid insight into the Victorian world, where women led circumscribed lives, and relied on their demure demeanour, conversation adroitness and seamlessly good manners to thrive in polite society and make a good marriage.
At first sight nothing could be further from our own world, but some entirely reasonable guidance is buried in the flowery Victorian prose. Below is a selection of Victorian advice for ladies, with Debrett’s own contemporary commentary.
Conversation
“Nothing so degrades a woman as to talk about the degradation of another. Detraction generally proves the weakness as well as meanness of the party who employs it.”
Bad-mouthing other people might be seen as harmless and enjoyable gossip, but it demonstrates the indiscretion, and sometimes the malice, of the perpetrator.
“Secrets and confidential communications are dangerous topics of conversation at all times, and should be indulged in with the utmost caution.”
Betraying confidences, however enjoyable, will simply highlight your untrustworthiness.
“A woman should never be Janus-faced. A lady hears something disparaging of a friend, something she knows to be unfounded, but to avoid any discussion, remain silent, or apparently coincides. Instead of this, she should most positively dissent. Etiquette does not require anything that honour forbids.”
Always stand up for your friends and defend your convictions – other people will respect your integrity.
“In order to converse agreeably and intelligibly, a lady should cultivate her intellect, not with the idea of becoming a blue-stocking or a pedant, but to render her society pleasant and profitable to others.”
Keeping abreast of the news and ensuring you are reasonably well-informed will ensure that you can always participate confidently in conversation.
Dining
“Once having consented to go [to a dinner party], nothing but serious illness should prevent your attendance. The hour as well as the day should be punctually observed.”
Don’t be a social prevaricator, who accepts invitations provisionally in case something better comes along. Once you have accepted, you are obliged to go, unless you have a cast-iron excuse.
“By small things the want of etiquette is detected – eating fish with a knife, peas with a fork, and many other trifling matters, shew that the lady is ill-acquainted with the orthodox method of eating one’s dinner.”
Orthodox table manners change and evolve (peas used to be eaten with a knife before the arrival of the three-pronged fork), so if in doubt check our dining guidance.
“If invited to take wine with a gentleman, courtesy does not require that you empty your glass; while it forbids you to refuse his invitation, it demands no more than that, with a polite inclination of the head, you should put your lips to the wine.”
These days, it is quite acceptable to politely refuse a glass of wine and certainly would not be considered ill-mannered. Feel free to drink as much, or as little, of your wine as you desire.
Receiving Company
“Always be in readiness to receive your guests. It is highly disrespectful to leave visitors to entertain themselves. It is a becoming proof of attention and politeness to pleasantly welcome, and to remain with your friends.”
If you are entertaining guests, try and ensure that you have everything ready beforehand so you can relax and join the company, make introductions and ensure that everyone has settled in.
“Every appearance of bustle and confusion must be avoided. Ladies should be always perfectly composed, especially so when they occupy the position of hostess.”
A flustered or harassed hostess (or host) can easily become a source of discomfort to guests, who may well feel that the strains of entertaining are outweighing the pleasure of their company.
“No lady who knows what is due to herself and to her visitors, will attempt to receive some of her guests with greater attention and civility than others.”
A good host will always ensure that every one of her/his guests feel equally welcome.
“No flunkeyism is so detestable as that of aping the fashions of the great without the ability to carry them fully out… It is far better to appear to be what we are, than to affect to be what we are not.”
Don’t fall into the trap of over-ostentatious entertaining (lavish decorations, an elaborate menu, excessively complex dishes) in order to impress. It is much better to do things simply, and well.
All over the Christian world Shrove Tuesday is seen as the last hurrah before the strictures of Lent. Spiritually, it was a day for ‘shriving’ (confessing sins and receiving absolution). Socially, it was a day for using up milk, eggs and fat before the Lenten fast, and what better way to do this than by gorging on a delicious feast of pancakes?
Rio de Janeiro may have its famously flamboyant Mardi Gras carnival, but the British have also developed their own more modest Shrove Tuesday customs.
The most widespread British pancake tradition is the pancake race. This is said to originate with the story of a woman who was busy frying her Shrove Tuesday pancakes when she heard the church bells and realised she was late for church. Her only option was to run to the service through the streets of the town brandishing a red hot frying pan and flipping the pancake to ensure that it did not become stuck.
This entertaining spectacle became the inspiration for pancake races all over the country. The most famous traditional pancake race, which dates back to 1445, is at Olney in Buckinghamshire. Competitors must wear a traditional costume of skirt, apron and head covering, and must run the High Street course, a distance of about 415 yards. They must flip their pancake at least twice: once at the start, outside the Bull Inn, and once on arrival at the church.
This sublimely silly race can be seen taking place in the quadrangles and courts of Oxford and Cambridge Universities and even in the august precincts of the House of Parliament – it is frequently a way of raising money for charity, and the British always enjoy seeing grand people making fools of themselves in a good cause.
The pupils at Westminster School have developed their own peculiar pancake-grabbing custom. Called the ‘Pancake Greaze’, it can be dated to at least the mid-18th century. The school cook makes an enormous pancake, which is tossed over the Greaze Bar (a metal bar about 15 feet high) in the school hall. Representatives of each form in the school scramble to grab a piece of the pancake and the pupil who secures the biggest piece is the winner. Traditionally he receives a small cash reward, and a request is made to the Dean to grant a holiday for the day (which rarely happens).
The inhabitants of some towns in England let down their hair before the privations of Lent with a game of Mob Football. The custom, which dates back to the 12th century, was probably once very widespread, but was somewhat curtailed by the 1835 Highways Act, which forbade the playing of football on public highways. Nevertheless, the tradition is still followed in Alnwick in Northumberland, Ashbourne in Derbyshire, Atherstone, in Warwickshire, Sedgefield in Country Durham and St Columb Major in Cornwall.
This exciting game is thought to be one of the oldest forms of football in the world. It is played on a truly epic scale: the goals are three miles apart and the match is played over two eight-hour periods. The hand-sewn leather ball is larger than a football and weighs around four pounds. There is no actual pitch and the game takes place all over the town; the ball is simply moved by a giant huddle of players, who push against the opposition. Hundreds of players take part in the game and there is great local rivalry between the teams. Goal-scorers, who are required to hit their ball against the goal three times, become local celebrities.
Many of us will eschew pancake races and mob football, but the gourmet delights of Shrove Tuesday pancakes are enduringly popular. Some people will respect the historic tradition, and see a feast of pancakes as a last luxury before the austerity of Lent, when they may be undertaking some form of virtuous self-discipline (abstaining from alcohol, shunning chocolates, going meat-free, avoiding caffeine and so on). If you have chosen to take Lent denial seriously, don’t labour the point with your more easygoing friends. This heavy-handed form of virtue-signalling will just make them feel guilty or resentful.
Whatever your attitude to the late winter weeks that lie ahead, enjoy the indulgence of Shrove Tuesday. Whether it’s your last act of hedonism before the Lenten austerity, or just a way of lighting up a dull weekday, Shrove Tuesday is a meaningful milestone. Easter, the season of growth and regeneration, is just six short weeks away, the days are getting longer, and daffodils are in bloom. Savour your pancakes and remind yourself that winter is almost over …
Peaky Blinders returns to our screens tonight, and fans of the show will be eager to find out what happened after Tommy Shelby's assassination attempt on arch-villain Oswald Mosley.
But who was the real life person behind Sam Claflin's character? As the 6th baronet Mosley, a baronetage created in 1781, the former MP and founder of the British Union of Fascists appears in Debrett's Peerage & Baronetage. Here's a brief overview of his life:
Perhaps one of the most infamous figures in British history, Oswald Mosley was born into relative wealth and comfort as the son of Sir Oswald Mosley, 5th Baronet, and Katharine Edwards-Heathcote. Educated at Winchester and Sandhurst, he turned to politics and was elected MP for Harrow between 1918 and 1924, the youngest elected Conservative MP at that time.
In 1922 he ‘crossed the floor’ to join Labour, and in 1926 he was elected as a Labour MP for Smethwick. In 1930, however, he formed the New Party of which he was leader from February 1931. The New Party was dissolved in 1932 and became part of the British Union of Fascists, which was disbanded in 1940.
Mosley married twice, firstly in 1920 to Lady Cynthia Curzon and secondly to the Hon Diana Freeman-Mitford, daughter of the 2nd Baron Redesdale and one of the famous Mitford Sisters. Before their marriage, Diana was one of Mosley's many mistresses, who included his wife’s sister, Lady Alexandra, and her stepmother, Grace, Marchioness of Curzon. Oswald and Diana were married in Germany, in the home of Joseph Goebbels, in 1936; Adolf Hitler, close friend of Diana’s sister Unity, was the guest of honour.
In 1940 Mosley's activities led to his interment by Winston Churchill's government. His wife, Diana, was also interned, shortly after the birth of their son Max. They lived together in a house in the grounds of Holloway prison.
Mosley made several abortive attempts to return to politics after the war, to strident opposition. He lived in Ireland for a time and later developed Parkinson's disease. He died in 1980.
Mosley's first wife, Lady Cynthia, was the 2nd daughter of the 1st Marquess Curzon, who was also created Baron Curzon of Kedletson in 1891, Earl Curzon of Kedleston, Viscount Scarsdale and Baron Ravensdale in 1911; finally, he was created Marquess Curzon of Kedleston and Earl of Kedleston in 1921; Lord Curzon had already inherited the Barony of Scarsdale from his father. The Barony of Ravensdale came with a special remainder which, in default of male issue, could be inherited by his eldest daughter. In 1925, Lady Mary Curzon duly became Baroness Ravensdale; she was later created Baroness Ravensdale of Kedleston (Life Peer) in 1958.
We recently came across a Twitter thread posted by Professor Suzannah Lipscomb, commenting on the inconsistent use of titles in an interview featured in the Sunday Times. The tweet read:
If anyone doubts the existence of an #authoritygap, consider how striking it is, given the content of the piece, that we have ‘Professor Sir Richard Evans’ but not ‘Professor Suzannah Lipscomb’, ‘Dr Lucy Worsley’, ‘Professor Dame Mary Beard’ or ‘Professor Kate Williams’.
In today’s society, where we strive to be egalitarian and inclusive, insisting on the use of titles can seem outdated. But the correct and consistent use of prefixes, suffixes and postnominals remains important.
Here are five reasons why titles matter:
As Professor Lipscomb points out, an individual’s professional title is associated with a level of knowledge and expertise. Whether it’s a military rank, an academic title, or a form of religious address, a prefix underlines a person’s status and standing in a particular field. This in turn gives confidence to clients, colleagues, patients or students.
Whether it’s a doctorate in astrophysics or a damehood for philanthropic work, a person’s title reflects accomplishment and hard work. Using titles correctly implicitly acknowledges achievement.
Using a formal title –‘Mr’ and ‘Mrs’ as well as professional prefixes and honours – is courteous and respectful. Older generations, in particular, often appreciate formal address, while younger ones may be gratified to see their identity acknowledged by a judicious use of gender pronoun or professional title. If titles aren’t possible, use both first name and surname.
In the case of hereditary titles, adopting the correct use of an individual’s style of address recognises ancestry and an often lengthy history of succession. This link with the past is similar to someone incorporating a maiden name or parental name into their married surname. If addressing a duke as ‘Your Grace’ feels a little antiquated, that’s because it’s been done for centuries.
In both social and professional situations, correctly using a title shows attention to detail. Omitting titles, misusing them, or using them inconsistently, can seem sloppy or even discriminatory, as Professor Lipscomb rightly points out.
For up-to-date information on titles and styles of address, as well as extensive forms of address tables covering academia, the military, religion, law, politics and more, subscribe to debretts.com for £4.99 per month (you can cancel any time).
Image: Sir Brooke Boothby, 6th Baronet, by Joseph Wright of Derby, 1781
The monarch is known as the ‘fount of honour’ and the creation of hereditary titles is a royal prerogative. Historically, the peerage was formed of a tightly knit group of powerful nobles, whose titles, lands and rights had been bestowed upon them by the monarch in exchange for an oath of loyalty. In time, the ranks of the aristocracy were swollen by lesser branches of old families, and from the gentry and knightly classes.
It was the first Stuart monarch, James I, who made the connection between title and payment explicit. He instituted the hereditary order of baronets in England by letters patent on 22 May 1611. The primary reason for raising funds by selling baronetcies was for financing the settlement of Ireland. He offered the dignity to 200 gentlemen of good birth, with a clear estate of £1,000 a year, on condition that each should pay into the king's exchequer in three equal instalments a sum equivalent to three years' pay to thirty soldiers at 8d per day per man.
Sir Thomas Gerard (1560–1621), for example, was created Baronet in 1611. He had paid the expected £1,000 for the dignity, but it was returned to him in consideration of the sufferings of his father in the cause of Mary Queen of Scots. In the words of James I: ‘I am particularly bound to love your blood on account of the persecution you have borne for me’. As well as a baronetcy, the king also gave his loyal subject an interest in the tobacco pipe monopoly.
Subsequent monarchs also continued to sell baronetcies, and it was considered an acceptable way of raising revenue. It was not until the 20th century and the scandal surrounding Lloyd George’s brazen exploitation of the honours system that this practice became newsworthy.
The Liberal politician David Lloyd George was well known for his searing criticisms of the House of Lords and its members. He famously remarked that “A fully-equipped duke costs as much to keep up as two dreadnoughts. They are just as great a terror and they last longer.” He became prime minister in 1916, when he headed a coalition that relied heavily on the support of the Conservative Party.
The Liberal Party was in need of money, and Lloyd George found the perfect solution. In six short years, a staggering 1,500 knighthoods were created, and 91 peerage titles were bestowed, twice the figure for the previous 20 years. Lloyd George was unapologetic about the practice of selling titles: a published tariff listed 10,000 for a knighthood, 30,000 for a baronetcy and 50,000 plus for a peerage.
The Order of the British Empire (OBE) was instituted and was targeted at ambitious individuals who could not afford a full title. The honour was awarded to 25,000 people over a four-year period, and became so devalued that it was known as the ‘Order of the Bad Egg’.
Lloyd George’s masterstroke was to award an array of peerage titles to Fleet Street’s press barons – unusually, these were freely bestowed and no cash exchanged hands. In this way it was ensured that the press, with its self-interested and newly ennobled owners, would not hold the Government to account.
Many of the new title-holders were industrialists and self-made businessmen, moving the peerage away from old money and the landowning classes. The cash grab mentality inevitably meant that, since money was the main criterion for the award of titles and honours, an egregious array of criminals, tax evaders and fraudsters were also able to buy status and respectability. King George V was appalled, remarking that the award of an honour to John Robinson, a convicted fraudster, “must be regarded as little less than an insult to the Crown and to the House of Lords.” Even Fleet Street turned on its erstwhile benefactor.
Lloyd George was forced to agree to a parliamentary debate on the cash for honours scandal on 17 July 1922. He somewhat disingenuously described the selling of honours as a “discreditable system. It ought never to have existed. If it does exist, it ought to be terminated”. In time-honoured fashion, he pleaded the financial exigencies of the Great War.
A Royal Commission was announced, which published its report in November 1922. As a result the Political Honours Scrutiny Committee was established to vet potential candidates for honours, and the Honours (Preventions of Abuses) Act 1925 made it an offence to accept a monetary award in exchange for an honour.
Yet scandals continue to beset the British Honours system and it is widely accepted that ‘donations’ to a political party may, entirely coincidentally of course, be accompanied down the line by the granting of a title or honour. As recent events have highlighted, these benefits are also granted to non-British citizens with deep pockets.
The Government is expected to end most Covid restrictions this week, meaning that we will be starting to live with the virus and make informed choices about our own social behaviour.
Will social life return to normal? How can we politely accommodate the great range of attitudes to Covid? How can we pay due attention to the more vulnerable members of society without constricting the freedoms of everyone else? How do we conduct ourselves in the aftermath of the pandemic?
• Don’t make assumptions that everyone has the same attitude to the virus as you. You may have decided that a robust return to normal is right for you, but be aware that everyone you meet will not share your optimism. On the other hand, if you are still very nervous about the risks of the disease, you may find yourself in a growing minority and will need to acknowledge this.
• If in doubt about physical contact, just ask; make a jokey enquiry about attitudes before going in for a close hug or a prolonged handshake. If you’re met with resistance fall back on the panoply of evasive greetings we’ve perfected over the last two years: a serene namaste (a gentle bow with hands clasped in front of your chest); an elbow bump; exaggerated air kisses; blowing kisses; waving from close quarters. This somewhat comical array of greetings can be performed semi-ironically, and may even be a good conversation starter with strangers.
• As with all good manners, seek to minimise the negative impact of your behaviour on other people. If you want people to behave in a certain way around you (for example, wear a mask or use hand sanitiser), don’t just make a bald request. Add a short explanation or apology (“I’m sorry, I’m still really nervous – my mother’s in a care home….” etc). People will be reassured that they are doing you a favour and will cooperate with alacrity.
• When asked to behave in a certain way (eg wear a mask) contain any irritation and do what is requested with good grace. If you really find it difficult to cooperate with a request, make your excuses and leave – confrontations are pointless as attitudes to Covid are deep-rooted and unshakeable, and frequently freighted with emotion.
• If people are persistently nervous about the virus, and resist personal contact or close quarters socialising, contain your irritation. It is quite possible that they have a weakened immune system, but may wish to maintain confidentiality. The last two years have highlighted health concerns and made ill health a topic of daily conversation, but for many people this is a private matter, and interrogating people about their health should be resisted.
• Act responsibly around the virus. It may not be mandatory to self-isolate if you are confronted by a positive lateral flow test, or are suffering from a characteristic cluster of Covid symptoms, but careful consideration should indicate that it is best to avoid close contact with your fellow humans – these strictures have always applied in the case of colds and flu, and it is reasonable to expect that people will do their utmost to avoid passing on infections.
• Don’t be a vaccine policeman. While you may find it reassuring to know that people you are associating with are triple-jabbed, it is intrusive and potentially divisive to ask them. If you want to reassure someone about your Covid status you might choose to tell them about your vaccination history, but this is a private matter and should not be an expectation.
• If your are still cautious about Covid, or protecting a vulnerable person, it is acceptable to ask guests or visitors to your house to take lateral flow tests while they are still being freely provided by the government (though follow the advice above and soften your request with an explanation or excuse). However, if the tests cease to be free, you must think carefully about making this demand. Asking people to spend money before they can even begin to enjoy your hospitality will taint the experience for many people.
• If you do ask guests to take a lateral flow test, take their word when they say it is negative. Sending each other pictures of negative tests is over-sharing, and clearly indicates that you do not find your friends trustworthy.
Remember we’ve all learned a lot and modified our behaviour considerably over the last two years. Be open about your concerns, explain your insecurities, and do your best to trust people to behave responsibly – it’s how we used to live before the whole paraphernalia of shielding, testing, tracing and self-isolation overshadowed our world, and we’re going to have to learn to live that way again.
The subject of money – whether our pay packets, our debts, or the value of our home – was long considered a conversational taboo. Yet at dinner parties across the country, civilised people are comparing their house prices, marvelling at the cost of each other’s cars and revealing their bonuses and salaries. It now seems acceptable to walk into someone’s house, point at something and say, “That sofa’s nice. How much was it?”
Whether in the red or in the black, our bank accounts now seem almost public property; where once an overdraft was a dirty little secret between us and our bank manager, now we feel free to discuss our debts openly, shamelessly. We live in the Age of Information, with transparency as the new buzzword, right down to colour-coded credit cards that blazon the bearer’s wealth.
We are fascinated by the power of money, by its capacity to buy influence, status and prestige. We faithfully follow the antics of the super-rich, ogling their playgrounds – replete with yachts, palaces and casinos – on countless television documentaries. We are equally entertained by the chutzpah, and inevitable downfall, of notoriously greedy hustlers and con artists. We are intrigued by celebrity divorces and lawsuits, our minds boggled by punitive damages and legal costs. Money truly makes our world go round.
But somewhere along the way, we’ve forgotten the reasons why discussing money never used to be the done thing – so let’s slow down for a minute and consider. We still live in a world of inequality, with large salaries or rewards conferred arbitrarily on a few while others with equal talents settle for considerably less.
There will always be Joneses to keep up with. So is it not a better, friendlier approach to keep such inequality as under wraps as possible? Bragging about your bonus or musing on your mortgage can make others feel inadequate and heightens the difference between your financial situation and that of the person you are talking to.
Money is the oil which greases the wheels of society but oil is filthy sticky stuff and we should clean our hands of it before coming out in polite society.
As we return to more conventional working practices, we might very well find ourselves succumbing to the thrills and dangers of a workplace romance.
While it is inevitable that colleagues will, occasionally, fall for each other, office romance can also be very disruptive to office dynamics. The turmoil and excitement of a new affair may supplant, or even obliterate, more workaday concerns. Colleagues who are forced to observe an unfolding affair at close quarters may feel aggrieved, or sidelined. A new couple may pose a threat to their colleagues, who may end up feeling like gooseberries, excluded from the confidences and intimacy enjoyed by lovers. When workplaces confidences become the stuff of pillow talk, office romance can stray into dangerous territory.
People in love tend to do silly things. They forget that there are other people in the world, other important events, other pressing needs. They believe, albeit subconsciously, that they can attend to their duties with a mind that is at best limping along on 25 per cent of normal concentration. And above all they are oblivious of almost everything around them and unaware that critical colleagues are closely observing their behaviour.
Even more complications arise when the passion crosses strata within the office hierarchy – for example when a boss falls for a junior, or vice versa. The best thing for the parties involved to do is keep quiet about the whole thing. A private secret is better than public resentment. Once such an affair becomes notorious, both parties will be subject to intense scrutiny, and any failing in carrying out the job will be roundly condemned. Should either or both of the parties already be married, then the condemnation will be bitter.
Illicit affairs in the office – when married colleagues form a relationship – pose particular problems. They may well put colleagues who know the spouses of the individuals concerned in a particularly invidious position, and therefore the couple involved should do their utmost not to compromise their co-workers.
Notes for Office Lotharios
•Lovers shouldn’t expect everyone else to share in their joy.
•Work has to come before passion in paid office time.
•There is always a limit to people’s patience, and the limit is usually nearer than lovers imagine.
•Lovers often go hand in hand. Love and promotion seldom do.
•The more the relationship is kept under control, the happier the rest of the office will be.
•If the affair comes to an end it may be impossible to go on working together. If the affair doesn’t come to an end it may also be impossible to go on working together.
Keep it private
If you become romantically involved with a colleague at the office, the simplest way to avoid a scandal is to leave that romance outside the office; the further away the better. Here are a few precautionary reminders to office sweethearts:
•Don’t think public transport is safe – others from the office may use the same route occasionally if not regularly.
•Office lovers should not give or send cards or flowers to each other on birthdays, unless intending to do the same for everyone else in the office.
•When alone in a room, office lovers should remember that it is never possible to spring apart in time when someone else comes in.
•Office radar is highly effective; you may think you’re being discreet but your colleagues will undoubtedly be on to you.
•One of the most common early indications of romance is a deterioration in work standards clear to all.
•Don’t misuse the intimacy, and confidentiality, of a romantic relationship to wield power and influence over your colleagues.
It's Valentine's Day, a time of year when thoughts of love and romance inspire many of us to pop a highly significant question. But while a proposal usually evinces joy and excitement, it's also fraught with pressure. We've shared a few tips to ensure the moment is memorable for all the right reasons:
1.) Make it personal
Make your proposal personal by incorporating what matters to you both – whether it's recreating your very first date or choosing a venue or activity that has special significance to your other half. Equally, avoid anything your partner really won't enjoy: sinking to one knee at the top of the Eiffel Tower shows commitment, but it's hardly romantic if your partner is terrified of heights.
2.) Keep it private
A public proposal might seem romantic, but popping the question in front of your friends and family could also put pressure on the other person to say yes. Keeping it private will make the moment all the more special, and you can always celebrate with family and friends at your engagement party.
3.) Don't panic if the answer's no
You'll be understandably downcast if your partner turns down your proposal – but a 'not yet' is very different from a 'never'. Try to overcome feelings of disappointment and enjoy the occasion to the best of your ability. If you've bought a ring, keep it safe until the time feels right to ask again.
4.) Prepare to share the news
Before you post an engagement photo on social media, share the news individually with your family and close friends. They'll appreciate hearing about it first-hand, and their undoubted delight will make your celebrations even more special.
5.) Consider an official announcement
Engagements are traditionally announced in The Times or Telegraph, and you may wish to place a notice in a local newspaper too. Doing so might seem old-fashioned in an age of instant messaging and social media, but it gives you an official record of the event for years to come. Our exhaustive etiquette library has more information on the wording of official engagement announcements.
Looking for some help with wedding planning? From engagement parties to budgeting, wedding venues, dress, responsibilities and even the honeymoon, our comprehensive wedding planning advice is the essential companion to your special day. Explore membership options here.
