Flattery is a useful social skill, but it is essential that you recognise from the outset that it is a form of manipulation, a way of using fake praise or compliments to achieve a goal.
A true compliment is a genuine sign of approbation; if you don’t believe what you’re saying you are falling into the insincere flattery trap and all too often this will be detected and will count against you. Praise is different from compliments, because it focuses on behaviour and character traits, rather than on physical traits or specific abilities. If you tell your host that their signature dish was delicious, you’re giving a compliment; if you say, “you’re such a good cook”, you’re giving praise. Giving praise where praise is due is an excellent way, especially in the world of work, of ensuring that people are positive and well-motivated. It is therefore surprising how many of us are miserly about giving praise and positive approbation.
It is no accident that flatterers have been found, since time immemorial, in the ambit of kings, emperors, rulers, politicians and bosses, where their desire to insinuate themselves into the favour of the rich and powerful compels them to lie and dissimulate. Indeed, courtiers are synonymous with flattery; their primary skill is understanding how to charm and sweet-talk those in positions of power, without being overtly obsequious, thereby gaining influence and favour. Many leaders have oversized egos and are all too happy to courted and flattered and it is scarcely surprising that lapping up the honeyed words of skilled sycophants often leads them to disaster – the danger is that this fawning behaviour and self-serving adulation simply inflates the ego and endorses the duplicity of corrupt rulers and leaders. In the words of Shakespeare, “They do abuse the king that flatter him: For flattery is the bellows blows up sin.” William Shakespeare, Pericles, Act One.
But flattery is not always a dark art, and despite these devious roots it can be an effective way of oiling the wheels of social intercourse. A skilled flatterer is good at identifying exactly the right buttons to push to get the desired effect: often the best flattery has elements of truth, which make it more believable. The main aim of flattery is to tickle someone’s vanity, to tell someone what they want to hear, as a way of ameliorating a situation or facilitating a transaction. The most effective and skilled flatterer knows exactly where an individual’s vanity lies – whether it is brains, beauty, charm, originality, creativity and so on – and can focus on those attributes to maximum effect; flattery is often coupled with flirtation. By endearing themselves to their targets, they may find that they are effectively smoothing their path through life.
There is no doubt that on some occasions flattery is wielded to good effect. Assuring a friend that, yes, her diet has really worked when you know that she’s feeling low in the self-esteem stakes is kind. Flattering your boss that he or she is a great manager is purely common sense. Being flattered by your partner, whether alone or in front of others, brings a cosy glow for all. The main thing is not to wallow in self-delusion; if you’re being flattered you must be fully aware of the nature of the spell; don’t ever believe the propaganda.
•Beware generalised adulation
Genuine praise often focuses on a specific action; “I was really impressed by the way you explained the sales figures in your presentation yesterday”. Flattery is often vaguer and more generalised: “You’re great at speaking in public”. While the flattery might leave a woozy feeling of self-satisfaction, the praise has highlighted a particular area of skill; it might spur you on to improve further or it might shift your focus to areas that are more clearly aligned with your talents.
•Beware deception
Flattery is about buttering up people (usually for the flatterer’s own ends), not about genuinely encouraging them. It is selfish rather than selfless. Think about what has been said and try to assess if it is genuine, and useful, praise or simply a few kind words that have been lobbed in your direction because the flatterer wants something from you. If the latter is the case, enjoy the flattery but embrace your knowledge of the flatterer’s motives. It’s important not to let flattery (or even praise) go to your head.
•Know your friends
Some people are compulsively generous when it comes to praise, compliments and flattery. You would be well advised to take some of their effusions with a pinch of salt and accept that this tendency to be profligate about praise is part of their character. You will also inevitably know people who are much more sparing; they rarely offer praise or compliments and when they do, you can be sure that they are genuine and heartfelt. Generally, these people do not possess the flatterer’s skill.
•Acknowledge flattery
If you know you’re being played, and are quite conscious that the art of flattery is being deployed, it is often a good idea to acknowledge the fact, by simply saying something like “you flatter me!”. That way, you will be serving notice that you have spotted the flattery and are not going to be swayed by skilful blandishments.
•Don’t fall into the flattery trap
We’re all likely to turn flatterers from time to time. We’re all aware that so-called praise and compliments are excellent tools for manipulating other people and bending them to our will. But this behaviour is insincere and inauthentic. When you’re about to offer praise or a compliment, pause for a moment and ask yourself: is this transactional? am I saying this because I have an ulterior motive? Think about what you are about to say: if your projected praise is a generic remark, that could apply to anyone, rather than a targeted and perceptive observation, then you’re very likely to be slipping into the flattery trap.
Top: Henrick Danckerts (1625–80), Charles II being given the first pineapple grown in England by his royal gardener, John Rose
Many of us are familiar with the strict guidelines that accompany dress codes such as ‘white tie’, ‘black tie’ or ‘morning dress’. These three dress codes are encountered at weddings or formal events and the guests can rejoice in a straightforward instruction and can simply follow the ‘uniform’ (especially the men) without further ado.
The next two tiers of formality are much more problematic. We hope we will address any confusion below, and would remind party guests that, if you are confused by the dress code, you should not simply opt out and come in your jeans and trainers. The fact that your host has added a dress code indicates that there is a clear aspiration for the event, and a refusal to comply looks rude and contemptuous. If you’re confused, consult with fellow-guests, or ask your host for clarification – at least it shows that you care.
‘Lounge suits’ is an expression that is only seen on invitations. It derives from the 19th century, when business attire was much more formal, and men wore long, knee-length jackets. A more casual suit with a short jacket, was worn at home, and called a ‘lounge suit’. This distinction no longer applies, and lounge suits are simply suits, of the sort worn in a formal business context.
This dress code is used for occasions with various degrees of formality and means a suit worn with a shirt and tie. Lounge suits are worn for most business events, both daytime and evening, and for many social events such as lunches, receptions, dinners, weddings, christenings and funerals. They may be worn at dinner parties, especially when people come direct from work.
A three-piece suit consists of a single-breasted jacket, a single- or double-breasted waistcoat, the bottom button is always left undone. A two-piece suit consists of single-breasted or double-breasted jacket with trousers (no waistcoat). Belts should not be worn with a waistcoat or double-breasted suit.
A shirt with a turndown (not button-down) collar should be worn with a tie and the top button of the shirt must be done up.
Ties are undoubtedly formal and conventional, and many men these days are eschewing the tie with their business suit to appear more approachable and easy-going (many politicians have adopted this habit for obvious reasons).
Nevertheless, the tie is a default element of the suit ensemble and, if you are requested to wear a lounge suit, it would be sensible to adhere to the convention and wear a tie. If you find yourself at a much more casual occasion than you had been led to expect, it is easy to remove your tie and undo your top button – it is always sensible to err on the side of formality, and to adjust if necessary.
If you are wearing a tie, go for a classic four-in hand or half-Windsor knot. Full Windsor knots are bulky and should be avoided.
Men’s clothing codes are prescriptive and easy to follow; it is much more challenging for women to get it right. If you are invited to a ‘lounge suits’ events, the best guidance is to think in terms of formal business attire. That means tailored dresses and matching jackets, a smart tailored day dress, a trouser suit, or a skirt and tailored jacket or coat.
If you’re going to a lounge suits event straight from work, you can dress up your usual office wear by swapping low heels for high-heeled shoes and replacing your everyday handbag with a small evening bag. Bold accessories, such as a striking necklace or earrings or a glamorous silk scarf, will pep up your outfit and make it look less mundane.
The main aim is to look chic and reasonably formal; reserve your more creative dressing for ‘smart casual’ events, which are described below.
This most ambiguous of dress codes is likely to cause the most consternation. It is certainly vague and contradictory (can casual truly be smart?), but in essence it is simply a plea from a host to guests requesting them not to turn up in everyday ‘leisure’ clothes – trainers, jogging pants, sweatshirts, hoodies, beachwear, flip-flops etc. Once again, you are being requested to make some sort of effort, but the code gives you plenty of leeway and room for creativity.
When you’re deciding what to wear, think carefully about the invitation, the venue, the time of day and the nature of the event. If you have received a printed invitation, then the event is probably at the formal end of the spectrum, so adjust your plans accordingly.
•Formal Smart Casual for Men
The best option is to wear a jacket or blazer, which you can team up with chinos or tailored trousers, and an open-necked shirt with a collar (ties are generally not necessary). Wear loafers, brogues or lace-ups, not trainers or sandals. Sweaters are fine if it is cold. If you’re outside in winter, opt for an overcoat rather than an anorak or parka. If you want to ring the changes, you could choose a Nehru jacket or a velvet jacket and accessorise it with a striking patterned shirt.
•Informal Smart Casual for Men
This is getting very close to everyday clothing but make it a rule that you change your clothes for the event and ensure that everything you wear is laundered and at the smarter end of the spectrum. So, if you decide to wear jeans, choose a clean dark-coloured, well-fitting pair, rather than a baggy, faded pair with holes and frayed hems. Opt for a polo shirt or colourful printed shirt, rather than a collarless t-shirt, or pair a jacket with a plain black or white t-shirt and wear smart trainers or deck shoes rather than flip-flops or sandals.
•Formal Smart Casual for Women
For daytime parties, you can discard the tailored attire recommended for the Lounge Suits dress code, and opt for dresses, or skirts and trousers paired with silk or printed shirts, or chic cardigans. It’s fine to wear jeans, as long as they’re tailored and well-fitted – it’s a good idea to offset their informality with a tailored jacket and smart accessories. Discard the high-heels and opt for kitten heel, flats or loafers.
For evening parties, you may choose to dress up your look, with a more decorative cocktail-style dress, evening-stye trousers, statement jewellery and higher heels.
This is a dress code you can really enjoy – indulge in your love of colour, texture, striking patterns and flowing shapes, without the restraints of the more formal dress codes.
•Informal Smart Casual for Women
There is not much difference between these two dress codes and in general the daytime recommendations above would still be applicable. However, if you feel uncertain, be prepared to adjust your outfit at the spur of the moment. You could always substitute your kitten heels for sandals, put on a cardigan instead of a tailored jacket, or discard a flamboyant necklace, if you feel a tad over-dressed. It’s generally easier to deconstruct an over-smart outfit than dress up an overly informal outfit at the last moment, so err on the side of formality. Even if you are more over-dressed than your fellow partygoers, your host will appreciate the fact that you have made an effort.
This dull question has killed a thousand conversations, and yet it is still a reliable fallback position, trotted out at social encounters as an ‘icebreaker’.
In days gone by, it would have been considered alarmingly direct and interrogative. The whole conversational dance was about avoiding asking direct questions, but instead using wit, observation, banter and discussion about general topics (ranging from the weather to political questions of the day) to build up a comprehensive picture of your new acquaintance. Eventually, in the course of this elaborate social game, hints or allusions to professions or work life might well have been dropped, and there was some satisfaction to be found in one’s ability to extrapolate this information from oblique reference. But the direct question was not asked.
So much has changed. We are probably less socially adept than our ancestors, who valued the art of conversation and excelled at the subtle skills of nuance and suggestion. They recognised a clear delineation between the work and social spheres. But in a rapidly changing world, where technological developments are obliterating traditional occupations and creating whole new areas of employment, many of us feel subsumed by our work life. We are on call 24/7, we are expected to be available at all hours, we work at home, in cafés, on public transport. We are preoccupied by work and find it hard to switch off.
We may well feel taken over by our jobs, but they should not define us. The hours that we spend working to earn our living may have very little to do with our passions, aspirations, hobbies or even, ultimately, our ambitions; they may simply be a pragmatic solution to the perennial problem of earning enough to live.
When someone asks “what do you do?” at a social event, there is often a feeling that they are trying to pigeon-hole or define us. We own up to a job and various assumptions are made about us – our talents, our abilities, our earning potential, our education. The job question is a shortcut to getting to know someone, but not necessarily a very accurate one.
For some of us, the job question is simply embarrassing. After all, many of us find ourselves washed up in jobs that are not commensurate with our abilities, a dead end, or a temporary staging post while we try and decide what we do with our lives. These jobs do not define who we are, and we resist being interrogated about them.
Of course, there are also people who will rejoice in this question, because they are proud of their profession and status, and know that it will impress the people they meet, who will draw a number of positive conclusions about their skills, intelligence and ability.
You may not like this question, but you will inevitably be asked it from time to time, and it is a good idea to think about ways to respond. If asked, you should of course reply with a straight answer – evading the question or prevaricating looks shifty and suspicious. But you might want to do one of the following:
•Move on
Give your answer and politely change the subject – “I’m a university lecturer, but let’s not talk about that – I’d like to hear more about your trip to South America”. With luck, your interlocutor will take the hint and move on. If they drill down with further questions, you will have to accept that you are being interrogated and answer with good grace.
•Over-elaborate
Give your answer and then deluge your interrogator with a technical, jargon-filled detailed job description: “I’m a digital marketing strategist, leveraging data analytics and consumer behaviour insights to optimise spend patterns. I aggregate, segment, and analyse first-party data to refine targeting parameters, ensuring precision in cross-platform digital ad execution. My role involves end-to-end campaign orchestration – conceptualising, designing, and deploying multi-channel strategies across social ecosystems, optimising for conversion metrics and engagement KPI.”
You will either bamboozle and bore your questioner with your impenetrable answer or, if you happen to be talking to someone who works in the same field, you might find this conversational sally leads to an instant feeling of connection, and you end up building new contacts and networking opportunities.
•Dismiss
If you really don’t want to get into job talk, and especially if you’re doing a job that you feel says very little about your character or personality, brush off your questioner with a flippant remark: “I work in an abattoir – they were the only people who’d hire me!”; “I’m a supermarket manager – it’s a good thing I’m a shopaholic!”. You will be indicating that you clearly don’t want to get embroiled in job talk, and it is to be hoped that the conversation will move on.
•Move on to the General
Answer the question politely, but then segue seamlessly into a general observation that relates to your field of work – “I’m a French teacher – but nobody seems interested in modern languages these days. Were you taught a foreign language?”. You have steered the conversation away from the particular question (your job) and onto a more general issue (modern languages teaching).
•Tit for Tat
You can answer the question as briefly as possible, and then fire the same question back to your interrogator. They may recoil and realise that their own question was irritating. But there is a substantial risk that they have been hoping that you will do precisely this and can’t wait to elaborate at length about their fascinating job. Unfortunately, you will have to grin and bear it.
•Reject the Question
Only go for this option if you are really annoyed by your questioner. Answer the question, but then add “But that’s only half the story – there’s so much more to life than work!”
Our increasing tendency to communicate entirely by text or email is having a disastrous impact on our handwriting ability. It is also depriving us of an enjoyable indulgence – buying personalised stationery and investing in high quality fountain pens and ink.
Looking at 19th-century etiquette books, it is possible to discern a familiar theme – the writers bemoan the decline in the art of correspondence, and comment on the increasing brevity of letters and notes in these “busy, scrambling days”:
“The post-card has been regarded as largely responsible for the curt brevity of modern correspondence; but it is really the effect, rather than the cause, of the limited interchange of written words. The correspondence card and the letter-card are all consequences of the same rush and whirl in which we live. There is not time for letter-writing in these busy, scrambling days. The correspondence card is a boon indeed, but no gilt edges, if you please!”
Manners for Women by Mrs C.E. Humphry, 1897
It is hard to imagine what the redoubtable Mrs Humphry would have made of the “curt brevity” of texts…
Despite her reservations about modern short-cuts, she has no doubt that personal stationery is an essential social signifier, which does much to proclaim a person’s social status to the world. She also has some firm prescriptions about the appearance of stationery:
“It is the ambition of every one of us to make as good an appearance in all things appertaining to our social position as circumstances may permit…Plain but good cream-coloured notepaper is always in the best taste, with no crest, and the address either thickly embossed in white or printed in one colour, the characters being as distinct as possible, but not immensely large or straggling…”
In her day, it was de rigueur to be equipped with a set of personalised stationery, comprising writing paper, correspondence cards, ‘At Home’ cards, and visiting cards – these items were seen as essential components in the social ‘brand’ of society ladies. As indicated in the quotation above, any lapse from strictly conventional notions of ‘good taste’, was considered vulgar – and garishly tinted paper, fancy or coloured edges, exuberant monograms or extravagant typography were all considered to be beyond the pale.
Despite the decline in letter-writing, there are still occasions when a handwritten note carries prestige or significance and is considered preferable to a text or email: letters of condolence, thanks for formal hospitality, replies to formal invitations (eg wedding invitations), letters of congratulation (births, graduation, milestone birthdays). Whatever the reason, if you really want a communication to stand out, going to the trouble of sending a handwritten letter will guarantee that it is noticed and appreciated.
It is by no means essential to have personalised stationery and simply investing in good quality writing paper and envelopes is an excellent start and shows that you have taken some trouble. But if you really want to make a splash, good personal stationery shows an attention to detail and appreciation of the finer things in life.
The smartest and most traditional letterhead are engraved, where letters are engraved or etched on to metal dies or plates which are then inked and stamped, creating a raised texture. Raised type may also be produced by thermographic printing. Designed to create the same effect as engraving, thermography is cheaper but is rarely as delicate and is often too shiny.
Flat printing, or lithography, is a less expensive option. Typically, the image (or type) will be drawn directly on to a flat metal plate using specialised pencils. A specialist ink is then applied to the image; the blank areas of the image will repel the ink whereas the drawing will hold it. A piece of paper (or an alternative material) will then be laid upon the image and the slab will pass through the litho press to print the image onto the paper. Litho printing excels in producing high-quality prints with sharp details and vibrant colours.
These days, digital printing is top-quality and, combined with a textured woven paper, can look very smart. It will not be as fine quality as litho printing but will be considerably cheaper and the economies of scale that are achieved through litho printing, which make it ideal for longer print runs and book-printing, are not really a factor when producing personalised stationery.
Personal letters are traditionally written on writing paper with a minimum weight of 100 gsm to avoid show through. The standard size is either W6¼ x H8 inches (16 x 20 cm) or W 5½ x H 7 inches (14 x 18 cm). Conventionally, colours were white or muted (ivory, dove grey, eggshell blue); more contemporary styles may be in more adventurous colours.
A personal letterhead should include a postal address and telephone number (typically your mobile number). Do not use your name or email address in a letterhead used for purely social, personal correspondence. Going for the address-only option will instantly indicate that this letterhead is for private, not business, communications.
Consideration should be given to the layout, style, balance and size of the typeface, the spacing and positioning of each line of the address – not all printers will advise you on this or have the expertise. Ideally, you will be able to provide a pdf of your desired design.
As always, think carefully about the connotations of typography. An elaborate copperplate typeface, of the sort used for traditional invitations, will look decorative but may be over-flowery. It is probably better to opt for the clarity of a roman typeface, but you must be aware that typefaces can be very evocative. A classic typeface, such as Garamond, Sabon, Baskerville or Caslon will look elegant and restrained. Modern typefaces, such as Gill, Helvetica, Avenir, Frutiger or Futura, will look sleek and contemporary. If you seek to conjure a certain era, which you might feel reflects your personal style and taste, you can research online for available typefaces and find one that suits.
Envelopes for private correspondence should be of a suitable size, allowing for the writing paper to be folded only once or twice. Traditionally, they should have gummed diamond flaps and the colour should match the writing paper. Originally introduced as a means of preventing show-through and therefore increasing security, more expensive envelopes may be tissue-lined, wither in a matching or contrasting colour.
These are an excellent addition to your stationery collection, ideal for short notes. They are always sent in an envelope.
They should be W6 x H 4 ½ in (15 x 11 cm), printed or engraved on card of a minimum of 300gsm. They include your name, address, phone number and, more frequently now, your email address. When a postal address is not permanent, a name, mobile number and email address will suffice.
A more utilitarian option is a flat-printed postcard, usually on white card, with name, address and telephone number printed in black above a keyline and laid out in landscape format.
If you’re going to the trouble to acquire good-quality, or bespoke, stationery, don’t let the side down by using biro. Invest in a good quality fountain pen and ink (ideally black or a sober blue-black, dark claret, or dark brown). It’s worth going to some trouble to find a nib that really suits your handwriting, as your writing will be undoubtedly more legible and attractive when you use a proper pen. Given that many of us feel that our handwriting is deteriorating because it is a skill that is under-used in these digital days, you will benefit greatly from the assistance a really good pen provides – there’s no point sending out a handwritten note on beautiful stationery if it is frustratingly illegible.
Flaking is the habit of cancelling plans, often at late notice, for no good reason. It is an increasingly common problem and there are several factors that appear to have turned us flaky. Whatever the reasons, this unfortunate tendency is causing a great deal of frustration, sometimes breaking up friendships, or killing people’s will to organise social events. What is to be done?
Mobile phones and texting have provided us with an excellent way of communicating without ever having to engage directly – it is temptingly easy to send a text cancelling an engagement, knowing there is no danger that you will be interrupted mid-cancellation and asked to explain your decision. By hiding behind your phone, you are effectively sealing yourself off from the impact of flaking; you do not have to witness the flakee’s disappointment or irritation.
We all live busy, multi-tasking lives and there are many calls on our time, especially as the boundaries between work and social life are becoming more porous. Many of us feel that we have too many commitments and, when we reach a tipping point, we reach for our phones and cancel. We justify this drastic step by characterising it as ‘self-care’, arguing that fulfilling all our commitments is dangerously stressful and something must give.
There is a general trend towards introversion: younger generations are apparently drinking less and staying at home more (financial pressures and over-exhaustion inform these choices) and with this withdrawal comes a tendency to nurture inactivity and feelings of reclusiveness, which in turn leads to a compulsion to cancel ill-advised social arrangements.
We are increasingly more focused on prioritising our individual needs and wellbeing, rather than feeling a moral obligation to honour and respect other people’s feelings and expectations. In days gone by, it would have been seen as a social misstep to cancel a social commitment without a very good reason, and repeat offenders would have found their reputations were tarnished and their social standing suffered. It was simply considered good manners to reply to invitations promptly, adhere to acceptances and never to let hosts (or organisers) down.
Today, many people with a tendency to flake would argue that their behaviour is a symptom of social anxiety or shyness. Faced with the demands of socialising, and daunted by the prospect, they choose to duck out altogether. Society is increasingly tolerant of this sort of behaviour, and many people accept that social anxiety is a real, and troubling, phenomenon. The question is: is the perceived social disfunction genuine, or is it merely a case of hiding behind a label to avoid social obligations?
We all encounter this behaviour from time to time, but if flaking is a repeated pattern, it is worth thinking about the points below before you become terminally frustrated:
•Is there more to it?
Confronted by a repeat offender, you should consider whether this maddening behaviour is masking more deep-seated problems: anxiety, depression, loneliness. Of course, becoming a serial canceller who is alienating close friends is not the most logical way of dealing with these issues, but they can be very hard to acknowledge or explore. Gentle probing might reveal that sympathy and help is needed.
•Talk about it
If you’re really beginning to get frustrated, you could grab the bull by the horns and explain the impact of flaking – “when you cancelled at the last minute on Saturday, I lost the deposit at the restaurant because I couldn’t find anyone else to join me.” It’s quite probable that the flake has not really pondered the consequences of their behaviour (it’s best not to, because then they would see that cancelling is not a considerate option), and being made aware of the fallout might make them think twice.
•Accommodate flaking
If you have a friend who is an inveterate flake, you could amend your arrangements to compensate. You could always ensure that other people are included in meeting plans, so that there is no danger that you will be left stranded. You could insist that the flake is responsible for making social arrangements or suggestions. Alternatively, you could restrict your suggestions to activities that you know the flake enjoys and is less likely to cancel (eg a movie and quiet drink, rather than a dinner with friends).
•Appreciate the times they show up
When everything goes smoothly, and there is no flaking, make a point of remarking on it. Say something like, “I’m so glad you came to my dinner on Saturday night – it was lovely to see you and I was so worried you were going to cancel…’ That way, you will be showing how much you enjoy your friend’s company, but you will also be reminding them of their tendency to flake.
At work, a tendency to display flakiness can easily derail your career. Your colleagues will begin to doubt your ability to follow through or stick to a commitment. They may well be frustrated by your tendency to cancel meetings or procrastinate when it comes to answering texts and emails, especially ones that require a decision. They might also be alarmed by a tendency to over-commit, to take on too much, and inevitably to fall short and let colleagues down. Ultimately, the people who work with you will feel they cannot trust you or rely upon you, and these are severe failings, especially if you are working in a team.
Many consistently flaky people simply have poor time management skills. They over-commit, say yes to everything, and then find that they have far too much on their plates, panic and cancel everything. Learning to say no, or to point out that you are over-stretched is an important skill, both professionally and personally, for people who suffer from flakiness. They need to teach themselves to consider every invitation and suggestion carefully, think about what it involves, how much time it will take, how much input is required. If the prospect is daunting, they should accept that it is much better to politely refuse or demur, with plenty of notice, rather than flaking out.
Consider the consequences of flakiness. Relationships, both professional and social, are built on reciprocal obligations, on give and take. Flakiness disrupts this process, making the flakee feel rejected or overlooked. Ultimately, flakes will alienate and irritate even the most tolerant friends and might find themselves becoming increasingly isolated.
If you’re a flake, it is important to recognise any natural tendency towards inactivity and reclusiveness and do your utmost to resist it. You might feel daunted by the prospect of a birthday gathering at which you know no one but the host, and overwhelmingly tempted to bow out, but you will almost certainly have a better time than you expect. The friendship points you garner will also pay dividends when it’s your turn to sit nervously in the pub, hoping that someone will show up to help you drink that bottle of birthday prosecco.
Every January we review the baby names that we have recorded over the preceding year on our Peerage & Baronetage database. The data we collect is from a small sample of the British population – titled individuals and their families – but it does provide an interesting insight into naming trends and might also be seen as a harbinger of trends to come in the more general population.
The Office of National Statistics has only just released its name data for 2023 so direct comparisons are not possible. For reference, the top ten ONS names for boys and girls in 2023 are as follows: boys’ names are Muhammad, Noah, Oliver, George, Leo, Arthur, Luca, Theodore, Oscar, Henry. Girls’ names are Olivia, Amelia, Isla, Lily, Freya, Ava, Ivy, Florence, Willow, Isabella.
We can confirm that our top five boys’ names for 2024 are: Charles, Felix, Frederick, George and Timothy. The top five girls’ names are: Catherine, Sienna, Charlotte, Amelia, Lara.
Both these lists are indicative of several interesting trends in baby naming. There seems to be a higher preponderance of traditional boys’ names in circulation, and girls’ names tend to be more unusual. Within our own dataset, there is a marked return to traditional boys’ names, with Charles being the most popular; several other ‘royal’ names (William, Henry, Edward, James, George, Louis, Frederick) are also top choices, with other traditional names scoring high (David, Mark, Martin, Nicholas, Peter, John, Timothy, Robert, Thomas).
Girls’ names are more varied. The top choice is the impeccably royal Catherine (with Charlotte third), but Amelia, Lara and Sienna are a more mixed bag. Sienna is an Italian placename and its popularity is probably related to the fame of the actress Sienna Miller. Lara has Greek, Latin and Russian roots (it is the diminutive of ‘Larissa’) and therefore not traditionally English. Amelia is a name of Latin origin; it was popular in the 18th century when Kings George II and III named their daughters Amelia.
Amongst the other trends we have noted is a resurgence of names that were popular in the 19th century: Agnes, Agatha, Albert, Alfred, Arthur, Cecilia, Daisy, Flora, Florence, Lily, Mabel, May. These were names that went out of fashion in the last decades of the 20th century; they were associated with a long-lost Victorian generation, often redolent of grandparents and great-grandparents. 21st-century parents are reaching back into the archive and reviving many of these names, perhaps even reverting to lost family traditions and discovering the names of preceding generations.
The vast majority of the names on our database are gender-specific, but the following gender-neutral names make an appearance: Evelyn, Kit, Robin, Rowan, Valentine, Vivien.
As always, we have enjoyed seeing the more unusual names that our listed parents have embraced. They have obviously ranged far and wide, looking at Bibles, books of Greek, Roman and Celtic mythology, atlases and – especially for boys – following the trend of using family surnames as forenames. Our selection of favourite creative names in the Peerage & Baronetage database for 2024 is as follows: Ajax, Barclay, Bodie, Brodie, Calypso, Clover, Coco, Cormac, Cosmo, Esau, India, Ithaca, Leanda, Luna, Merlin, Mungo, Orlando, Rosetta, Skye, Soleil, Spencer, Thalia, Tosca, Vesper, Woodrow.
The general trends in baby naming over the last few decades have been to embrace more unusual names. Many parents feel that finding a unique name for their child is a way of asserting their originality and giving them a great start in life. But it’s never that simple; you always need to weigh up the advantages of originality (standing out, being unforgettable, good name recognition) against the disadvantages (bafflement, misspelling, playground derision). You also need to think carefully about the following factors:
•Surnames
Your child is going to be saddled with a forename and a surname, and it is vital that you take into account the way the two sit together. Sometimes the names are satisfactorily complementary (alliteration is catchy, the syllable distribution sounds right, and so on). Rhyming forenames and surnames (eg Harriet Marriott) can sound comical. Often, there is a jarring dissonance between the two names, and they do not sit well together. If you have a complicated, multisyllabic surname, you might well want to explore simple, monosyllabic forenames. The opposite is also the case; some surnames (Brown, Smith, West, Bloggs etc) cry out for a more exotic and multisyllabic forename.
•Nicknames
If your child’s name is two syllables or more, you can almost guarantee that it will be shortened or mangled. Some names have common abbreviations that supplant the origin name (Alfie, Freddie, Hattie etc) and if you prefer the full name to the abbreviated name, you will have a real struggle to assert your preference and, no matter how frequently you reiterate the full name, you will probably find you are fighting a losing battle. If you have struggled long and hard to find an original name (eg Pandora), which you think is beautiful, are you prepared to hear your child being referred to as ‘Pan’?
•Spelling
It’s become common practice to add individuality to a name by introducing eccentric spelling of your own devising. Think carefully before you do this and bear in mind that you are condemning your child to a lifetime of spelling out their name or being asked “How do you spell that?”.
•Family Considerations
Of course, your child’s name is entirely your choice but do bear in mind that some families have expectations that certain names will pass down from generation to generation. In these instances, names can carry a lot of emotional baggage and choosing them for your own child is seen as an act of filial respect and loyalty. If you really don’t like this tradition, you could perhaps compromise by using the favoured family name as a middle name. If even that is a step too far, be prepared to have a conversation with family members about your name choice and, instead of dismissing the rejected family name out of hand (which might cause offence), line up some strong, positive reasons for choosing an alternative.
If, when you choose a name, you can predict that your parents, siblings and in-laws will react with shock, horror or incredulity, then it is probably a good indication that you might have gone too far down the road of eccentricity and individuality. If even this does not deter you, then stick to your guns – ultimately the choice of your baby’s name, no matter how eccentric or ill-advised other people might find it, is yours, and they must accept it with good grace.
January is peak dieting season, and we all know that diets bring many etiquette challenges, both for hosts and dieters alike.
This is not a new phenomenon: diets and weight-loss have been preoccupying human beings for centuries. In 1820 Lord Byron, who was obsessed with his weight, advocated drinking three tablespoons of vinegar in water before each meal to stimulate fat loss. The first diet book, snappily titled “Letter on Corpulence Addressed to the Public” by Dr William Harvey was published in 1862 and recommended cutting out virtually all sugar and starch. Calorie counting was first mooted as an aid to weight loss in 1918 and in 1925 Lucky Strike launched an advertising campaign that recommended smoking cigarettes rather than eating sweets.
Weight Watchers can trace their origins back to 1963. Just nine years later, the famous Atkins Diet, which recommended cutting carbohydrates to an absolute minimum and focusing on protein and fat, was launched. The Beverly Hill Diet (1981) advised a blitz of fruit only for 10 days, followed by gradual reintroduction of other food groups, whilst fans of nuts, vegetables, fruit and meat embraced the Paleo Diet, launched in 2002, which followed in our cave-dwelling ancestors’ footprints. Fasting, or merely subsisting on juice, were the next trends, which also embraced the benefits of detoxing (another January buzzword). And so it goes on.
Whether you choose to follow a low-calorie, low-carb diet, or opt for one of the more esoteric fad diets, the experts all seem to agree – dieting, in the sense of restricting one or more food groups, rarely works in the long term. A permanent change of lifestyle and mindset is more effective in ensuring that any weight loss is not short-lived.
As we have seen, dieting was a craze through much of the 20th century and the impact it had on social occasions was much discussed. In an etiquette book for women published in 1956, the following observations were made:
“A guest can dispirit a whole party if she refuses the first course of scampi, scrapes all the sauce off the chicken, says no to potatoes, only helps herself to sprouts if they are boiled without salt and will not touch a drop of drink…
The heart of the matter for the dinner-party guest is how far to allow her slimming regime to intrude on the dinner party. From the dieter’s point of view there is no doubt that if the diet is to be effective there cannot be many exceptions. From the cook-hostess’s point of view nothing is so infuriating as a guest who waves away here loving prepared meal, merely because she is trying out the banana regime.”
Then as now… Clearly if you are on a diet and you are invited for dinner in someone’s home (restaurants are different as you have control over what you order), you must make a decision. Will you make a few concessions, eat what everybody else is having, but eat in moderation? Will you be discreet about this decision? Will you, if questioned by a concerned host about your restraint, explain that you are on a diet, and not let her think that the food is not up to scratch? If you have no desire to disrupt the dinner, these are the best options.
However, many dieters seem unable to keep quiet about their regime and are all too happy to bore the assembled company with the intricacies of their daily intake, the vagaries of their weight loss, the triumphant shedding of a few pounds, and so on. They might even bring their own food or ingredients, which is insulting to the host. They do not seem to be aware that a detailed discussion of their diet is extremely narcissistic and self-obsessed and goes against the whole sociable premise of a dinner party. If a dieter is going to disrupt conviviality, then it is better that they refuse invitations and opt out altogether.
If you have chosen to take the strict dieting route, remember managing to keep shtum about the day-to-day details of your regime is just one consideration; you must also make sure you don't turn into a tetchy party-pooper. Strict diets often mean feeling hungry and irritable, or 'hangry', and you need to be on your guard when it comes to displaying these feelings to other people. If you can't control your mood, stay away.
Hosting a dieter brings its own responsibilities. As a host, you might well be frustrated by a finicky guest, who eats only sparingly and rejects your more high-calorie offerings. But you must respect their attempt to lose weight, and you must never refuse to take no for an answer. So, never badger your guest, insist they have second helpings, repeatedly refill their glass (even though they put their hand over it), or pooh-pooh their choices. Don’t vent your frustration by pouring scorn on their specific diet regime (or diets in general), just accept that they have made a choice, and move on.
If someone says they’re on a diet, try your best not to comment on the wisdom, or otherwise, of the decision, and try and deflect the conversation away to the details of the regime. Otherwise, you may find yourself straying into difficult territory, where your reaction indicates that you always thought the dieter was overweight, or you always believed they had issues with food or body dysmorphia. Wading into the complex world of other people’s body image can be embarrassing and potentially insulting.
DonIf someone says they’re on a diet, try your best not to comment on the wisdom, or otherwise, of the decision, and try and deflect the conversation away to the details of the regime. Otherwise, you may find yourself straying into difficult territory, where your reaction indicates that you always thought the dieter was overweight, or you always believed they had issues with food or body dysmorphia. Wading into the complex world of other people’s body image can be embarrassing and potentially insulting.
Don’t overcompensate if one of your guests announces they’re on a diet. You’re under no obligation to change your menu to accommodate their diet diktats and inflict their food choices on your non-dieting guests. Just proceed as normal, and trust that the dieter will be able to negotiate your high-calorie temptations without making a fuss. Turning an entire table-full of guests into calorie-counters against their will is never a recipe for successful entertaining.
If someone says they’re on a diet, try your best not to comment on the wisdom, or otherwise, of the decision, and try and deflect the conversation away to the details of the regime. Otherwise, you may find yourself straying into difficult territory, where your reaction indicates that you always thought the dieter was overweight, or you always believed they had issues with food or body dysmorphia. Wading into the complex world of other people’s body image can be embarrassing and potentially insulting.
Try and avoid saying “Have you lost weight?”, which some sensitive dieters might interpret as a comment on the excess pounds they were carrying before going on a diet. Instead, offer a more generic comment like “You look really well”. Proud dieters will immediately attribute the compliment to their weight loss and be entirely satisfied.
Remember, any discussion of your own weight is tedious but acceptable – unless you are being boastful. Any discussion of another person’s weight is still beyond the pale. Never make the mistake of thinking that your willingness to discuss your own weight gives you carte blanche to introduce someone else to the party. Comments along the lines of “I’ve found this amazing diet perhaps you should try it?” are never going to be welcomed, no matter how flabby the focus of your question.
Finally, if someone you know well has embarked on a hellish regime, keep up the praise and compliments and offer them every encouragement. In fact, your heart is probably sinking: your once entertaining friend or loved one may well transmogrify into a bore, a human calculator of calorie-counting, a dinner party guest from hell. Take a deep breath and brace yourself for the post-diet recriminations and guilt complexes.
The fresh start provided by a new year is an excellent opportunity to resolve to do things differently, to turn over a new leaf. Many of us will subscribe to the idea that a new year is a time for new year’s resolutions; unfortunately, many of us will also fall by the wayside – a recent YouGov poll indicates that only about 33 percent of people adhere to their resolutions.
Many of our seasonal aspirations are the inevitable fallout of the preceding Christmas season. We eat too much, drink too much, sit around doing nothing, and gradually become overcome by feelings of self-reproach. It’s no surprise that the most popular new year’s resolutions are quitting smoking and/or drinking; losing weight; sticking to a healthy diet; exercising regularly; spending less money – a predictable reaction to a season of over-indulgence and lack of self-restraint.
The other factor that links all these resolutions is their intense focus on the individual. January is a very inward-looking month, when people concentrate on their own shortcomings, fashion their own self-improvement plans, and are intensely preoccupied by their own goals and aspirations.
One result of this self-involvement and turning inwards is that people who are intent on their own priorities can be particularly blind or obtuse when it comes to their interactions with other people. The most common pitfalls are as follows:
•Lifestyle Evangelism
Many people who hit the ground running (sometimes literally) in January, and throw themselves into a new healthy living regime, experience encouraging signs of health and wellbeing in the first few weeks of the new year.
Unfortunately, instead of internalising these satisfactory feelings and enjoying the compliments on their ‘healthy glow’, they take it upon themselves to lecture friends and family on the undoubted benefits of their new regime.
While this unfortunate tendency to ‘spread the gospel’ might come from positive roots – a hope that other people will also experience these positive benefits – it demonstrates a disrespect for other people and their ability to make their own lifestyle choices. We must acknowledge that everyone experiences their physical and mental health in their own unique individual ways and, unless they actively seek help and advice, their wellbeing is their own business. Being lectured by new converts (and probably being all too aware that these fresh-faced evangelists are likely to lapse from their own high pedestal before very long) is one of the more tedious aspects of the new year.
•Lifestyle Bores
Even if new converts are not seeking to persuade other people to follow their path, there is still an unfortunate tendency amongst many to feel that their heroic new year efforts give them the right to monologue endlessly about their new diets, health regimes, fitness programmes, financial planning strategies, ad infinitum. As is often the case with people who are somewhat obsessed with, or at least fixated on, their own behaviour, they tend to lose all sense of their audience, and do not appear to notice the fact that they have turned into crashing bores.
If you find yourself embarking on a ‘new leaf’ monologue, which is often characterised by a needlessly detailed breakdown of your regime, stop immediately. Other people may well be interested by your travails (as long as you give a light-hearted account of them), or by amusing observations about the self-improvement phenomenon, but they certainly will not want probing, and deadly serious, insights into the day-to-day grind.
•Lifestyle Braggarts
Perhaps even worse than the bores, are the self-satisfied people who feel an overwhelming urge to boast about their new year achievements. They’re so blinkered by the aspirational messaging, that they feel it is appropriate to show off about their herculean efforts to achieve weight loss, improved fitness, or sobriety.
Boasting is never acceptable: if you deserve praise, it will no doubt be forthcoming but eliciting it will make the people around you feel resentful. They might also find your loudly trumpeted virtues are making them feel miserable about their own meagre, or non-existent, achievements, and you should never behave in a way that makes the people around you feel worse about themselves.
One way of ensuring that you won’t be trapped by these pitfalls is to revise and re-think the whole new year’s resolution phenomenon. Instead of turning inwards and focusing on self-improvement, why not think about making some small changes in your behaviour over the coming months that will greatly improve your social relationships and make your interactions with other people much more satisfying? In other words, focus on your manners rather than your mindset by doing the following:
•Improve your interactions with strangers
Resolve to make the world a more friendly place by smiling more frequently and being meticulous about your ‘Good morning’ and ‘Good afternoon’ greetings. In shops, bars and restaurants, offer heartfelt thanks – sometimes adding phrases such as ‘you’re so kind’ or ‘I appreciate it’ or ‘I’m so grateful’ is appropriate. Wherever possible, a miniature small talk exchange should be initiated; observations on the weather (‘there’s a really bitter wind today, isn’t there?”), or the surroundings (“whenever are they going to finish these roadworks?”) will get the ball rolling.
You will soon find that you are repaid in kind, and that every day embraces a series of micro-encounters that will make you feel better about yourself and other people.
•Give other people priority
At its most basic, this is simply being aware of other people and accommodating them. So, it’s always polite to hold open doors, to stand back and let other people off the train or bus first, to usher people in front of you with a gracious gesture (this applies to drivers as well as pedestrians). Once you notice the people around you, you might find yourself embarking on more elaborate courtesies, such as helping a pushchair-wheeling mother up the steps or assisting a passenger with stowing their luggage in an overhead rack.
•Give other people attention
Most of us are in the grips of a major distraction, which is our ever-present mobile phones. We bump into strangers on the street because we are mesmerised by the screen, we play with our phones at mealtimes or when our friends are trying to talk to us, we constantly fiddle with our phones and check our messages, even when there are other more important calls on our attention. If we make one resolution this year, it should be to refocus our attention on other people and away from these highly addictive gadgets, which are having a destructive impact on our social relationships and diminishing our ability to focus and prioritise.
•Give other people consideration
Resolve to exercise your empathy faculty. Try and imagine what other people are feeling in any situation, and amend your behaviour accordingly. If you’re running late, for example, imagine how tedious it must be for your friend to be standing outside the cinema waiting for you; text and apologise, and suggest you meet in a more comfortable place. Or, if you receive a social invitation and prevaricate about replying, imagine how frustrating it must be for your host, who doesn’t know if you’ll be attending. Resolve to stop dithering, send a definitive response immediately (with apologies for the lateness of your reply), and stick to it (imagine how insulting and inconvenient a last-minute change of mind could be).
In most social scenarios, it is possible to work through the consequences of your actions on other people and, if the impact is likely to be negative, to take avoiding action. The main thing is to ensure that you are finely-tuned to your environment and to the people around you and conscious of the impact you have on them, do not charge – heedless and self-preoccupied – into 2025…
The first few days in January are a big anti-climax for many of us. We feel we have over-indulged and over-spent during the Christmas period and we may well feel played out and exhausted by all the social commitments and bonhomie.
It is all too easy to slump into a post-Christmas stupor, and to focus firmly on individual priorities – fitness resolutions, healthy eating regimes, alcohol abstention plans, and so on. But before you shift your focus firmly to yourself and your recovery and self-improvement programme, make sure that you have adequately acknowledged all the people that have made stupendous efforts to ensure that Christmas went with a swing.
It is all too easy, with Christmas and New Year’s Eve now behind us, to overlook the thanks we owe our hosts. Whether they are family members or friends, the people who lay on elaborate Christmas feasts, or are willing to host large numbers of people for several days, are truly heroic.
Now is the time to send a formal note of thanks for Christmas hospitality. It is not enough to simply proffer verbal thanks on the doorstep when everyone is in a muddle of departure. It’s fine to leave it a few days, but do not overlook the more formal follow-up, and try and send your thanks by Twelfth Night (5th January), which marks the end of the festive period.
Before you send your thanks, work hard to recall the details of the festive proceedings, think about the efforts your hosts have made, and ponder – in the dull post-Christmas days – the special touches that made the event (whether it was a meal, a Christmas stay or a party) particularly memorable or outstanding.
Your hosts have made gargantuan efforts and may well be suffering from a slump after the event, so they will appreciate your thanks even more. It is common, when you have pulled off a big feat of entertaining, to feel a bit insecure and anxious about the event. You might even begin to obsess about details – Were your roast potatoes crisp enough? Were the post-Christmas party games too raucous? Was the Christmas pudding too heavy? It is at this point, when you are fretting about your hosting performance, that a reassuringly positive letter of thanks will be most appreciated.
Thank-you notes are always more effective when you focus on details of the event. Everyone can come up with a generic ‘thank you for having me’, but you will only truly convey genuine gratitude if you are able to focus on the particular and highlight certain details that really stood out. Whether it is the quality of the food (“the roast goose was so succulent and I particularly liked the pear and cranberry stuffing), the conviviality of the day (“I loved the fact that we all played games after lunch and it was wonderful to have a tv-free Christmas”), or the pleasures of meeting new people (“I was so happy to finally meet Emily – you were right, we had so much in common and we’re going to meet up in the new year”), it is the details that will really make your thanks ring true.
Thank-you letters may seem old-fashioned, but there is no doubt that a handwritten note, preferably on decent stationery (no lined sheets torn from a notebook in an envelope pilfered from the office), packs an extra punch. Most recipients will appreciate that you have made an extra effort to convey your thanks. They may well recognise your writing and find it reassuringly familiar. They will also acknowledge that you have had to procure a stamp and locate a postbox – all these little signs of effort communicate that your gratitude is genuine.
If you are someone who never puts pen to paper, you will choose a digital option, and there is no doubt that written thanks, however they are conveyed, are always better than a verbal acknowledgement. Emails will give you more scope to personalise your thanks and focus on details. Texts are generally short and more mundane and there is a danger that your message might come across as perfunctory (though a lot will depend on the relationship you have with the hosts and your usual ways of communicating with them).
You might be looking back on your Christmas festivities with a jaundiced eye. They may have not gone particularly well, but this is not a reason to forego thanks. Even if the day was filled with culinary disasters and social pitfalls, try hard to find something positive to say – there really is no point compounding the host’s post-event misery by simply ignoring the whole debacle.
Some of your post-event discomfort might be caused by your own behaviour. If you are uncomfortably aware that you blotted your copybook, now is the time to make amends. We all know that Christmas brings a host of social pressures: it is scarcely surprising that claustrophobic gatherings of ill-assorted people, who are cooped up together and probably drinking too much, often end up with drunken arguments, fractiousness or resentment.
If you are regretting your own behaviour, you really should add an apology to your thank-you note. As with all apologies, it is essential that you acknowledge the offence and express your regret for any discomfort you have caused. Do not offer excuses and never use the word ‘if’. If you find yourself writing phrases like “I’m sorry if I spoilt the Christmas Day atmosphere – I was really exhausted after a hard day at work and the long drive and I probably had a bit too much to drink”, think again. Cut out the prevarications and excuses and just say something like “I really must apologise for my behaviour on Christmas Day – I’m afraid I drank too much, which was inexcusable”. Most hosts will forgive your behaviour if they feel you have fully acknowledged it, and doing so as soon as possible will avoid the festering resentments that can all too often cloud the Christmas aftermath.
It is no secret that Christmas is a time when many people succumb to feelings of stress and depression, with a Mental Health Foundation survey finding that 54% of people were worried about the mental health of someone they knew during the Christmas season. Undoubtedly Christmas pressures can exacerbate feelings of anxiety and make this a challenging time of year for many people.
There are many ways to counter these negative feelings and to ensure that you, and the people you care about, do not succumb to them. We look at the ways in which good manners, empathy and consideration can ease the Christmas burden:
This is a time of year when many people feel compelled to project images of perfection on social media. They bombard us with a diet of champagne and caviar, glittering parties, twinkling lights, groaning tables and perfect presents. We are invited to enter their fantasy world, revel in their success and admire their savoir-faire. For most of us, who are struggling with mundane errands, stretched budgets and family fractiousness, this alternative vision is both compellingly aspirational and utterly depressing. We know we can never measure up to the fantasies and feel all the worse for it.
Try and avoid this sort of posting around Christmas and, if you do stumble upon it, try and counter its ill effects by reminding yourself that people who feel the need to boast about their perfect lives are probably over-compensating for deep-seated feelings of social inadequacy, or should simply be pitied for their troubling lack of tact and sensitivity.
This is a time of year when saying no is a vital social skill. Feeling socially overstretched or overextended is often the root of Christmas anxiety, so it is important to control yourself and resist the temptation to be all things to all people.
If you’ve been invited to one event too many and really feel you can’t face it, write your host a polite note or text, saying something unambiguous, along the lines of “Thank you for inviting me to xxxxx. I’m so sorry, but I won’t be able to come – I do hope you all have a great time.” There’s really no need to add an excuse or explanation (although of course you may choose to if you want to soften the negative), the important thing is to make your refusal non-ambiguous, with no prevarication or uncertainty.
Bear in mind that a tendency to agree to everything will either lead to social burn-out, or you will hit a wall where you start to let people down at the last moment, leave them in the lurch, or simply don’t show. It’s far better to be polite, decisive and clear-cut.
If you’re a host, learn to accept other people’s refusals. When someone turns down an invitation, don’t try and persuade them to change their mind, or refuse to take no for an answer. Inevitably, there will be people who turn down your invitations and you should never interpret this as a personal slight. Politely accept the refusal and move on.
At times like this, when expectations run ridiculously high, it is easy to feel that your own Christmas plans do not measure up, and it is very tempting to over-compensate by throwing money at the problem. This can lead to a destructive cycle of over-spending, money worries and debt, which is a very far cry from the Christmas spirit and may have negative consequences in the months to come.
Remember that kindness, conviviality and good spirits will go a very long way to paper over any shortcomings in the catering or presents on offer. Focus on these intangible values rather than on material goods and don’t be shy about setting limits on expenditure, or politely asking for contributions from guests to help ease the burden.
Christmas is hard work: according to a YouGov poll, 51% of women (as opposed to 35% of men) found Christmas to be stressful. Many people feel overwhelmed by an avalanche of obligations: shopping, cooking, cleaning, hosting duties, keeping children happy. A very common response to this amount of pressure is passive-aggressive martyrdom – the sufferer takes on ever more work, steadfastly refuses offers of help and emanates a mood of aggrieved righteousness.
Don’t fall into this trap – it will poison the Christmas atmosphere and won’t do you many favours when your energy really begins to flag. Resolve to accept offers of help and, if they are not forthcoming, to ask explicitly for assistance. Don’t wait until you’re at the end of your tether, when requests for help become increasingly anguished and socially awkward.
If you’ve trod this path before and know that you’re likely to be cast in the role of chief cook and bottle-washer, it might be a good idea to have a polite discussion with other members of your family beforehand and allocate them certain responsibilities. No one person should have to take on the complete Christmas burden.
We all know Christmas is meant to be a time of indolence and indulgence. Many of us will enjoy several days off work and are looking forward to lounging around, eating, drinking and doing very little. But there are dangers: alcohol is a depressant and if you drink too much over the Christmas period you may find your mood turns sour and you’re perpetually hungover. Christmas food is delicious, but a succession of huge meals, interspersed with an array of sweet and savoury snacks, will soon make you feel bloated and uncomfortable. These disagreeable physical sensations may well be accompanied by feelings of guilt and self-reproach.
Try and offset the impact of over-indulgence by getting out, taking regular exercise and moderating your intake of food and alcohol. As a host, you can encourage your guests to join you on a country walk, or arrange to meet friends for a walk, rather than arranging another epic drinking and eating session. But you will have to accept that everyone has different tolerances for food, drinking and relaxing, and some of your friends and family may well be reluctant to respond to your suggestions – if that’s the case, don’t push it; you will be seen as an annoying nag or an over-energetic cheerleader, and will get little thanks for your pains.
You might also find that getting out on your own, away from the claustrophobic atmosphere of celebrations, will clear your head and renew your appetite for socialising. Carving out some time for yourself during this busy period is always a good idea.
Feelings of loneliness can be acutely painful at Christmas so, if you’re lucky enough to be joining friends and family, keep an eye out for people who might be on their own. You may find that your invitations and overtures are turned down, and you must respect that decision, but it’s still worth checking up on them and maintaining easy-going contact throughout the Christmas period – many people are reluctant to admit they’re feeling lonely and do not want to ‘impose’ on people they don’t know so well.
At this sociable time of year, it’s easy to find a pretext to drop in on neighbours or people who are on their own at Christmas – you can always pop around with a card and/or a bottle of wine, a plant, some home-made mince pies etc, and make sure that they’re surviving the season. Impromptu invitations may also be well received.
We all make a big fuss of Christmas and inevitably the aftermath can feel anti-climactic. It doesn’t help that at this time of year the days are short and dark, and the weather is challenging. Christmas over-spending and over-indulgence can also contribute to the January blues.
We’ve all experienced the post-Christmas crash, so it makes sense to make plans and find ways of counteracting it. Book a theatre or movie outing in early January, invite friends round for lunch early in the new year, or arrange to meet up for a country walk and a pub lunch. With some strategic dates in the new year’s diary, you’ll have something to look forward to as the Christmas season comes to a close.
