Our home-grown ‘Mother’s Day’ actually started out as a religious feast, called Mothering Sunday, which was celebrated in the 17th century. It was a feast day held to celebrate the Virgin Mary and the idea was that people would return to their ‘mother church’, to make it a family celebration. It took place on the fourth Sunday of Lent, and allowed for some easing of the Lenten fast – it was sometimes called ‘Simnel Sunday’ because it was traditional to bake simnel cake, a delicious concoction of dried fruits, spices and marzipan, which is also eaten at Easter. Inevitably, it became a family reunion, with mothers taking pride of place.

When the tradition began to fade in the 1930s a vicar’s daughter named Constance Penwick-Smith worked hard to revive it, with much more emphasis on celebrating motherhood. This changed focus owed a lot to the American invention of ‘Mother’s Day’, the brainchild of a grateful daughter, who wanted to honour her own mother, a peace activist during the Civil War. Mother’s Day became officially acknowledged in the US in 1914.

Confusingly, the two different versions of Mother’s Day have become conflated in many people’s minds, but in the US and many countries of the world Mother’s Day is celebrated on the second Sunday in May, while in the UK we have adhered to the religious origins of the date, which is why it moves around from year to year.

Whatever the origins, the essential focus is the same.

• Flowers are a traditional gift, and most mothers will be delighted with a spring bouquet. Carnations, which are regarded as a symbol of eternal love, are a popular choice. Or you may want to capitalise on the plenitude of beautiful tulips that are available at this time of year. Roses are a perennial favourite; opt for pink, yellow or white. Whatever your choice, buy flowers that are well-wrapped, preferably by a florist, and do not signal last-minute panic at the supermarket checkout.

• There are abundant Mother’s Day cards available, and a well-chosen card is always appreciated. But don’t rely on a mass-produced message to do the work – Mother’s Day is about your unique relationship with your mother, and you will need to find individual ways to show your appreciation.

• It is customary for the family to rally around and ensure that Mother’s Day is a time when domestic chores are off the menu, at least for mothers: treats could include breakfast in bed, a roast lunch cooked by the rest of the family, a home-baked cake for afternoon tea, washing-up and clearing away guaranteed.

• This year’s celebrations are somewhat curtailed by lockdown and taking mothers out for lunch is not an option. You will have to improvise: perhaps you could hand-deliver a home-baked simnel cake; or maybe just promise a deferred treat when we’re all able to socialise again.

• Ensure that children are involved in the celebrations. Encourage them to hand-make cards or assemble their own bouquets. They can certainly assist with cooking and baking. By giving them a role you will be reinforcing the message that mothers play a fundamental role in family life, and showing your gratitude to them is of paramount importance.

• At the very least, ensure that you are in touch with your mother on this important day. Arrange to chat on the phone, or schedule a video call. When we are all enduring forced isolation, days that are time-honoured family celebrations can be particularly painful. So do your best to make your mother feel remembered and cherished.

As we celebrate International Women’s Day, and the drive towards gender equality that it recognises, we have been browsing through the pages of some 19th-century etiquette guides and contemplating just how far women have come.

As trade boomed in the 19th century the middle classes expanded rapidly, and a stream of guidebooks were published to help them steer their way through a host of social dilemmas – from how to address a viscount, to calling card etiquette and when to serve champagne. The guides encouraged modesty, propriety, cleanliness and politeness. Children deferred to parents, and women to men.

A woman ignored the codes that applied to her behaviour – both at home and in public spaces – at her peril. To transgress was to risk sullying her reputation, which – in the marriage markets of the 19th century – was an indispensable attribute.

Etiquette Tips from a Bygone Era:

• Ladies do not wear pearls or diamonds in the morning.

• When a lady is introduced to a gentleman, she should bow but not give her hand, unless the gentleman is a well-known friend of a member of the family. A gentleman must not offer to shake hands with a lady until she has made the first movement.

• In conversation a well-educated lady never uses vulgarisms, flippancy, coarseness, triviality or provocation in her speech.

• A gentlewoman walks quietly through the streets, seeing and hearing nothing that she ought not to see and hear. She recognises acquaintances with a courteous bow, and friends with words of greeting. She never talks loudly, or laughs boisterously or does anything to attract the attention of passers-by.

• A lady never forms an acquaintance upon the street, or seeks to attract the attention or admiration of persons of the opposite sex.

• A lady never looks back after anyone in the street, or turns to stare in a public place. She should never walk alone in the street after dark.

• A lady keeps from contact with her neighbour in public conveyances as much as is possible, never leaning up against another or spreading her arms. She may accept the offer of services from a stranger in alighting from, or entering a conveyance, and should acknowledge the courtesy.

• At public balls, a lady should dance only with gentlemen of her own party, or those with whom she has a previous acquaintance. Young ladies must be careful how they refuse to dance. She should give a good reason, lest the gentleman takes it as a personal dislike. Once a lady refuses, a gentleman should not urge her to dance, nor should the lady accept another invitation for the same dance. An unattached lady never dances more than three dances with the same partner.

Turn up at a British railway station, or a supermarket, or a post office and you will see an orderly queue. It all dates back to the days of rationing in the long years during and after the world wars of the last century. In such dark days, the queue was an opportunity to catch up with the community, check that your friends were still alive and moan about the privations.

Even today, grumbling in a queue is one of the great British joys – there is a liberating anonymity in conversing with someone whose back is turned; you can avoid eye contact and hence actual personal interaction and the intimacy that might entail.

For visitors to the UK, the art of queuing must seem esoteric at best and infuriating at worst, but queue-barging is a serious offence; even the reticent English will feel justified in sharply pointing out the back of the line to any errant queue-jumpers.

Queuing does require participation, however, and anyone who isn’t fully committed to moving forward an inch for every inch that opens up will earn almost as much disapproval from the crowd queuing behind as the shameless barger.

If you’re with family or a group of friends, nominate one person to join a queue if possible, rather than clogging it up with unnecessary people and luggage.

But we can absorb such wrinkles into our queuing science: for nothing can sully the joy of being in the queue that is operating in tandem (say, at passport control or at the supermarket) that beats another queue.

Now we have discovered a further delight: the virtual queue. It operates in much the same way as queues in real life: essentially fair and orderly; occasionally transgressed by queue-jumpers or beset by organisational glitches; the subject of moaning and grudging respect. As with all British queues, we acknowledge that not everyone can be given top priority and that a system must be observed. On the whole, we take a pragmatic view, accepting that reasonable criteria are applied when administering the system.

Whether it’s queuing outside a supermarket or anticipating the next tier of vaccination, we recognise there’s a good reason for waiting and remind ourselves that patience is a virtue…

The British have always been passionate about their dogs and this love affair seems to have reached a new pitch in lockdown. With so many restrictions in place, walking has become a default pastime and canine companions are proliferating at an astonishing rate.

Pampered pooches, who are accustomed to warm centrally heated houses, are more prone to feeling the cold, and in the recent cold snap a veritable canine fashion parade was in progress. If you feel that your dog needs more warmth than nature has intended choose a coat with durability and practical features. It should be easy to fasten, water-resistant and offer underbelly protection.

You and your dog are on display on your regular dog walks. Your dog’s behaviour will reflect upon you, so remember the following:

• Be aware of other people and acknowledge that they may not want to be pestered by your dog, especially if your over-excited pet is given to jumping up and leaving muddy paw prints.

• Keep your dog a safe distance away from babies and children. A breezy ‘he’s just being friendly’ isn’t much consolation to a toddler who’s being toppled by an enthusiastic and boisterous pup.

• Be polite and friendly to fellow dog-walkers. A smile and brief hello is sociable, especially if you see them on a daily basis.

• Clean up after your dog – use biodegradable bags and designated bins.

• Respect boundaries and territory and don’t allow your dog to stray into other people’s driveways or gardens.

• In built up areas, keep your dog close to you. Don’t hog the pavement or allow your dog to go into the road.

• Your dog should never chase other dogs or livestock. If you’re approaching a field that contains sheep or cattle, keep your dog on the lead.

• Finally, don’t make everyone around you cringe by anthropomorphising your pet in public: you may think of your dog as a furry near-human, but cloying ‘conversations’, complete with baby voices and saccharine endearments, are just embarrassing.

Limited social contact has taken its toll on formal dining, and hosting and attending dinner parties seems like a distant memory when lockdown rules restrict social gatherings.

However now that there is light at the end of the tunnel, there is no excuse for letting dining standards slip. Here are a few pointers that will serve you well:

• If using a knife and fork together, always keep the tines of the fork pointing downwards and push the food on to the fork. It may be necessary to use mashed potato to make peas stick to the fork but it is incorrect to turn the fork over and scoop.

• Always eat pudding with a spoon and fork.

• Indicate you have finished your meal by placing your knife, fork (with the tines facing upwards) and/or spoon on the plate in the six-thirty position.

• Put salt on the side of your plate rather than sprinkling it on your food.

• Resist the temptation to mop up sauce, or the last few mouthfuls of soup, with bread; eat only what can be eaten easily with a fork or spoon.

• Do not pick individual grapes from a bunch. Use either fingers, or grape scissors, to remove a small bunch.

• Pips and stones should be discreetly spat into a cupped left hand and deposited on the side of the plate or discarded.

• When served bread rolls, break into bite-sized pieces that are eaten individually. Break off a new piece for each mouthful, rather than dividing the rolls into chunks in advance.

• Butter, served with bread, should be taken from the butter dish with the butter knife and placed on the edge of your side plate. Each piece of bread is individually buttered.

• When eating soup fill the spoon by pushing it away from you, towards the far side of the bowl. Bring this to the mouth and tip the soup in from the side of the spoon. Tilt the bowl away from you in order to get the last few spoonfuls.

The last pancake has been flipped and Lent, the long six-week run-up to Easter, has begun. Conventionally, this is a period of reflection, fasting and preparation for the Easter festivities. These august aims often translate into giving something up for Lent – frequently, everyday indulgences such as sweets, chocolate, alcohol or meat. For some Christians, Lent is a compulsory period of abstinence.

In our secular society Lent is often interpreted as a period when self-improvement is the order of the day. A lockdown Lent poses particular challenges and, at a time when social life has ground to a halt and many people are battling loneliness, penury, anxiety or depression, the minor sacrifices of Lent may seem to be a step too far.

You will need to take a long hard look at your lockdown lifestyle and ascertain what, precisely, is helping you to survive. If you honestly feel that a compulsive addiction to streaming services, regular takeaways and heavy consumption of caffeine and red wine are the only things that make your life worth living at the moment, then don’t kick away these vital supports. If, on the other hand, every glass consumed and evening spent watching television is a matter of self-loathing and self-reproach, then perhaps you should look at a six-week moratorium.

Perhaps, in these difficult times, it’s a good idea to reverse the conventional wisdom: don’t give things up, start doing things differently. Clear out your store cupboards and donate excess groceries to a food bank, or make regular donations when you do your weekly shop – there are collection points at many supermarkets. Review your wardrobe, weed out things you never wear, and put them on one side for charity shops. Increase the length of your daily walk or cycle ride. Alternatively, you could just give up moaning and try and embrace a more positive attitude.

Whether you choose to give something up or take a positive step, remember that this is a decision you have made for yourself, which concerns only you. Don’t boast about your sacrifices, or advertise your virtuous resolutions. Many people will have taken the perfectly legitimate decision to eschew Lenten sacrifices, and may find your self-satisfaction hard to take. For some people, simply getting through the dreary weeks ahead is enough of an achievement, and nobody should make them feel guilty for focusing on that task.

Remember that self-improvement is an arduous, lonely road and navigating it is a matter for you and your conscience. An audience, and approbation, is not required.

Whether you call it Pancake Day, Mardi Gras or Fat Tuesday, Shrove Tuesday is the day before Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. Western Christian churches view it as a day to cleanse the soul, as well as a chance to indulge before the fasting of Lent.

The term Shrove Tuesday comes about as Christians saw the day as a last-minute opportunity to confess and cleanse their souls before Lent, a ritual known as ‘shriving’. Traditionally, they would eschew fat, eggs and milk during Lent, so Shrove Tuesday was an opportunity to indulge in all three, while at the same time clearing out the store cupboard of temptations.

An orgy of pancake-eating may seem a little tame next to the extravagant celebrations, wild partying and gorgeous costumes of the Rio and Venice carnivals, both events that celebrate Mardi Gras. But this modest British ritual is an enjoyable milestone in the long, grey days of winter and a clear sign that we are moving inexorably towards Easter, and all the signs of renewal: longer days, snowdrops and daffodils, green shoots, spring birdsong.

This year, Shrove Tuesday occurs in the middle of a lockdown, so unfortunately we won’t be able to share our largesse with friends and neighbours. But make the time to enjoy a perfect pancake, and remember you can still enjoy finessing your flipping skills, even if you don’t have an appreciative audience.

The traditional British toppings are butter, or sugar and lemon, but you can also experiment with maple syrup, chocolate spread or bananas and ice cream (inevitably a hit with youngsters). If you want a more sophisticated option, try out a crêpe suzette, which is a French classic. Combine caster sugar, orange zest, orange juice and butter to form a syrupy, caramelised sauce. Pour this over the folded pancakes, then add a generous splash of orange liqueur, such as Grand Marnier, to the saucepan and ignite by turning up the gas and tilting the pan. The flaming liqueur is then poured over the pancakes – a satisfyingly theatrical and flamboyant gesture, even if you’re the only one to observe it.

As Valentine’s Day approaches, our thoughts turn to romance in the time of the Covid. In a world that has turned ever more virtual, online dating seems an increasingly good idea and dating apps and websites are booming. Lockdown has brought some unforeseen changes and it has slowed down the sometimes frenetic pace of virtual dating – when it is difficult, or actually illegal, to take a promising relationship into the testing arena of real life, lockdown romances are unfolding slowly, as couples message, chat and FaceTime at a leisurely pace, slowly getting to know each other. This tantalising, drawn-out courtship ritual is, in some ways, decorously old-fashioned.

If you’re about to launch yourself into this world, make sure to research the plethora of apps and websites thoroughly before you commit. You will need to examine yourself and your aspirations honestly: are you looking for fun? A good time? Companionship? Long-term commitment? Many apps are free and fast-moving and hook-ups often go disastrously wrong for a host of reasons, and nobody cares because there are legions of new contenders available at the swipe of a screen. This can be intoxicating if you’re impetuous and adventurous, but more reticent, cautious people may feel that it is worthwhile investing in a more exclusive and selective site, where exhaustive questionnaires and complex algorithms seek to find the elusive perfect match.

Do’s and Don’ts

• The pitfalls of posting an out-of-date or overly glamorous photograph have become a cliché, but it’s hard to resist the urge to sell yourself. Remember the likelihood is that, in our current circumstances, you will be taking to the screen early on in proceedings and a video call can be cruelly unflattering.

• Your profile should stand out, so avoid generic hobbies, such as walks in the country and listening to music, and try to give everything you say about yourself a strong personal impact. If you say that you’re an orchid-collector or a jazz fan, you will sound much more memorable.

• Try and sound positive and confident, but don’t lapse into boastfulness – tales of prodigious wealth, professional success or sporting prowess just sound like you’re protesting too much. Conversely false modesty is not particularly charming: you will come across as needy and insecure.

• You may experience many disappointments and false starts before you feel the urge to take things further, but don’t get downhearted. If you’re feeling fragile or desperate, give yourself a break. Take some time out until you’re robust enough to survive the setbacks.

• Once you have made initial contact and feel that you have connected, it’s time to enter the virtual dating world. Prepare carefully. Look at the set-up of your screen, and ensure that your background is saying the right things about you. A wall of books might look daunting, a display of trophies and diplomas may appear to be self-aggrandising, a shrine to family and children may look clannish and impenetrable. Think about conversation starters; a striking painting or poster, or a photograph showing you in an exotic location, or cuddling a pet, or engaged in an extreme sport will all provoke interest and questions.

• Take some trouble with your personal appearance. Dressing up for Zoom dates might look over the top, but lounging about in pyjamas or a tracksuit is just insulting. Do your best to look well turned-out and well-groomed, and remember that messy hair, untended stubble and smudged make-up will be forensically amplified onscreen.

• Ensure that the camera on your screen is at eye-level to avoid unsightly jowls or distorted faces, and take some trouble with the lighting. A soft lamp to the side of the screen will cast a warm and flattering glow, while a bright overhead light will make you look like you’re in an interrogation cell. Ensure that your WiFi connection is up and running smoothly, and that housemates/children etc have been briefed and banned. You’re good to go.

• Covid restrictions will inevitably be a subject of conversation, but keep it light. You don’t want to come across as a moaner, or project anger or frustration.

• Don’t get bamboozled into talking about your ex. If you say too much on the topic, your date will inevitably conclude that you are not really over your previous relationship and you might come across as embittered or belligerent. If you have children, acknowledge the fact but don’t fall into the trap of boasting about them, or constantly referring to them. Even the most paternal/maternal of dates will be dismayed at the prospect of eventually having to relate to these prodigies.

• Flirtation is key. You cannot rely on body language or touch to signal attraction, so you will have to depend on your smile, expansive gestures, laughter and verbal compliments. If commenting on your date’s appearance feels too intimate, say something positive about his/her room, clothes or possessions.

• If all goes well, text promptly or call and say so. Waiting for a call or playing hard to get belongs to an outdated rule book and really isn’t appropriate in the circumstances – virtual dating in a pandemic is complicated enough without game-playing.

If all goes well, and one video call leads to another, you will be keen to meet in real life.  In our restricted pandemic world the most socially acceptable way to do so is to go for a walk together (suitably socially distanced) and we thoroughly recommend this as your first date.  You will enjoy fresh air and exercise and can get to know each other in relaxed circumstances, far removed from the pressure of candlelit dinners à deux and intimate conversations.

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and a frenzy of flower-giving is about to begin. Flowers can be a perfect romantic gift, but we are no longer particularly conversant with the language of flowers, or floriography, which became a passion in Victorian England. In a society where courtship was highly circumscribed by draconian rules of etiquette, presenting a love object with a carefully-chosen bouquet was an eloquent way of declaring passionate, and possibly clandestine, feelings. The recipient could pore over any number of interpretative books, such as Elizabeth Wirt’s Flora Dictionary (1829) and draw her own conclusions.

Today, our gifts of flowers will no longer be subject to such forensic scrutiny.  However, flowers do have symbolic meanings, and a well-prepared suitor may do well to bear these in mind. A safe default is roses, and there is a general agreement that no recipient will misinterpret a large bouquet of blood-red roses, but some more adventurous romantics will resist the cliché and stray further afield.

When selecting your Valentine’s bouquet, consider the following options:

• Anemones: anticipation and good luck
• Carnations (red): pride and beauty
• Gardenia: purity and secret love
• Hyacinth: playfulness and constancy
• Lilac: (magenta) love and passion; (purple) first love
• Lily: purity and refined love
• Tulip: perfect love

Roses are the most popular Valentine’s Day gift, but the colour of the blooms is also significant.

• Red: love and passion
• Pink: gratitude and admiration/femininity and elegance
• Peach: gratitude
• Yellow: joy and gratitude
• White: purity and grace
• Purple: enchantment and love at first sight
• Orange: enthusiasm and energy

In general, red flowers tend to denote love and passion, while pink is a tribute to femininity, and white/cream signifies purity and innocence.  It is considered that the yellow/orange end of the colour spectrum expresses enthusiasm, energy, joy and new beginnings. Whatever you choose, observe the following etiquette.

• If in doubt, go for one type of bloom, and/or just one colour – it will have more impact.
• Be prepared to spend generously – flowers are expensive and economy bouquets will inevitably look sparse and parsimonious.
• Consider your recipient’s taste. Does she favour sleek and contemporary? Or does she lean towards vintage? It would be foolish to buy a striking bouquet of bird of paradise flowers and canna lilies for someone whose idea of paradise is an English country garden. Discuss with the florist and explain the look you’re going for.
• Anonymous Valentine’s Day cards and gifts have titillated and intrigued generations of teenagers. But sending flowers anonymously might make you look like a stalker and lead to all kinds of misinterpretations and embarrassment. It’s better to utilise the card that comes with the bouquet for a simple and heartfelt message.
• If you’ve forgotten to organise a bouquet, rethink your Valentine’s Day plan. Don’t snap up a bunch of flowers from a supermarket, or even worse, a garage forecourt. They advertise your lack of forethought and reek of last-minute panic, not romance.

Our current circumstances are certainly challenging and it is very hard, and possibly somewhat irritating, to project a relentlessly positive and optimistic persona. It is much more natural to enjoy a good moan, but proceed with caution.

Moaning is inevitably a reaction to ephemeral difficulties, daily irritations and frustrations. It is perfectly natural to moan when you’re left hanging on a phone for hours waiting for a customer adviser, when the train is held up by signalling problems, when your car battery dies on you, or you’re stuck in the freezing cold waiting for your belated lift to turn up. But moaning is not an appropriate reaction when more important issues are at stake: a long queue outside the supermarket in this lockdown era is a sign that everybody’s safety is being taken seriously, and it would be churlish to complain because you, like everybody else, have to wait. In those circumstances, other people may find your moaning insensitive and unwarranted.

Many of us who feel frustrated or wearied by the dreariness of the current lockdown find a generalised whinge highly therapeutic. It feels good to hunker down with a friend and share your sense of disgruntlement. But the emphasis here is on sharing – a moaning monologue is a conversation-killer. All conversation is about talking and listening, so remember that other people also have lots to grumble about and will appreciate an attentive and engaged audience.

Be very careful about your chosen moaning partner. It’s fine to dissect your day-to-day grievances with someone who broadly shares your circumstances, but nobody who is experiencing real adversity will want to hear your litany of complaints. The problems of home-schooling a recalcitrant five-year-old, landing a supermarket delivery slot, or deciding whether it’s wise to book a summer holiday, will hardly seem significant to someone who is coping with job loss, illness or bereavement.

As always, good manners dictate that you are sensitive to those around you and perceptive about the impact you have on other people.  Moaning is highly enjoyable, but reserve it for minor impediments not major tragedies.