When we are with other people, whether it is professionally or socially, it is generally considered good manners to be agreeable, flexible and empathetic and bad manners to impose bad moods, frustrations and irritability on the people around us. We are taught to avoid mood swings and to keep our fluctuating internal barometers to ourselves – no one wants to be subjected to our emotional highs and lows; our aim should be to project equanimity at all times.
But, inevitably, there are many people who find it hard to control their moods and simple issues, like hunger, fatigue, or even an overload of sugar or alcohol, can tip them over the edge, and turn them from reasonable human beings into snappy, argumentative fight-pickers, or morose and gloomy brooders, who refuse to participate in conversation and emanate a poisonous air of dissatisfaction from the sidelines. At this point, a bad mood can easily turn someone into a killjoy, trailing a bad atmosphere, casting gloom over other people’s enjoyment.
It is alarmingly easy to become a killjoy: if you have had a bad day, or are feeling tired and irritable, your mood can very easily infect those around you. If, for example, you are sour-faced and self-righteously intent on avoiding alcohol, and all around you are throwing caution to the wind, abstention can very quickly turn into disapproval. Be aware of the effect you are having on other people: if your influence is baleful, then bale out.
While we all have good days and bad days, most of us are self-aware and self-controlled enough to detect our killjoy tendencies and try not to inflict them on our nearest and dearest. If you’re uncomfortably aware that you haven’t been at your best, or have cast something of a pall over proceedings, it might be a good idea to apologise and acknowledge any efforts other people have made to assuage your bad humour. You could make a quick phone call or send a text that says something like “Thanks for a great evening. My apologies if I was a bit grumpy at the beginning, I was letting work get on top of me, but you all really cheered me up.” Any irritation you have caused will soon be forgotten in the face of a gracious apology and often outlining the reasons for your moodiness will garner a sympathetic response.
We all recognise that our moods can vary according to an array of factors, from hunger levels and the weather to oppressive feelings of stress or depression. If your moodiness has its roots in the serious end of this spectrum, then you really need to seek help and understanding from the people around you; otherwise, you are likely to get into a vicious circle of displaying moodiness, winding up your friends, and then feeling resentful because they have not intuited the real reason for your behaviour. Expecting the people around you to be empathetic when they have nothing but guesswork to guide them is unrealistic. Sometimes it’s only polite to give people an explanation for aberrant behaviour; you will probably be pleasantly surprised by the sympathy and support that is offered.
Some people, however, are inveterate exploiters of their moods, using their regular plunges into melancholy, dejection or cantankerousness to manipulate the people around them. They swing wildly between conviviality and coldness, between upbeat friendliness and dour withdrawal, confusing and distressing the people closest to them. This form of emotional bullying can be highly toxic, forcing friends and partners into situations where they either feel anxious to appease or placate the moody person, or find themselves being provoked into anger and belligerence.
Here are some ways of dealing with moody manipulators:
•Opt out
If you are overwhelmed and oppressed by someone’s mood music, you do not have to endure it. At times like this, it is always a good idea to absent yourself – take a break, go out for a coffee, call another more cheerful friend. It is certainly true that other people’s bad moods can bring you down, and you need to fight against that.
•Stay calm
Remind yourself that the moodiness on display is very likely nothing to do with you and is not your responsibility – it probably has deep and complex roots. You therefore should not immediately jump to the conclusion that it’s your fault or feel bad about yourself.
•Consider expulsion
This kind of controlling behaviour is a very bad sign, and you should probably consider whether you really want to find your contentment is being dictated by another person’s moods. Remind yourself that you may well be inflicting this person and their moodiness onto other people that you really care about, and nobody will be thanking you for introducing this disruptive element into their lives.
Ask yourself why you are choosing to spend time with someone who is having such a bad effect on you and consider moving on.
•Be non-compliant
Wielding mercurial mood swings is generally a good way of manipulating people – either into doing something they don’t want to do or reducing them to a state of abject compliance. Most victims of moodiness acquiesce because it’s a way of keeping the peace, but if you refuse to give in, you might be able to break the pattern.
•Ignorance is bliss
Just ignore the mood altogether. Accept that you can’t control another person’s emotions and concentrate instead on living your own life and controlling your own feelings.
•Confront the problem
Sometimes a direct challenge of the “You’re often really irritable with me and I’d like to know why” variety can be productive. Moody manipulators want to control the situation, but they do not want their methodology to be the subject of scrutiny or discussion.
Poppies, symbols of hope and regeneration because they continued to grow on the devastated battlefields of the Western Front, were first embraced as symbols of remembrance in 1921. Earl Haig had founded the British Legion in that year because it was felt that little help was being offered to support the nearly two million wounded soldiers who returned home at the end of the First World War. The first poppy day took place on 11th November 1921, commemorating the 1918 armistice, and some nine million poppies were sold, providing funds for the newfound British Legion. Poppy Day became an annual event, associated in most people’s minds with the annual ceremony of remembrance at the Cenotaph in Whitehall and the two-minute silence at 11am.
The tradition of Poppy Day has been sustained and respected through the Second World War and subsequent conflicts. Today, an astonishing 4.5 miles of coloured paper is transformed into 30 million poppies at the British Legion factory in Aylesford, raising a substantial contribution towards the RBL’s annual fundraising income of over £147 million – last year the poppy appeal raised over £49 million. These funds are used to assist veterans with everything from housing and rehabilitation to counselling and financial and legal advice.
When poppies were first launched as a symbol of remembrance the custom was only to wear them on Remembrance Sunday itself, which is the second Sunday in November. Nowadays, poppies begin to appear in October, several weeks before Remembrance Day, although the convention is still that they should be removed after Remembrance Sunday.
Anyone living in Britain will be aware that, over the last twenty years, the poppy symbol has proliferated to an astonishing degree. Oversized poppies decorate the bonnets of buses, trains, lorries and cars; they are used to decorate public spaces, from stations to school playgrounds; they are projected on public buildings. In addition to these grand gestures, poppies have been exploited commercially, appearing on a range of merchandise from scarves, playing cards, t-shirts and baseball hats to pins, brooches and fridge magnets. Needless to say, this has nothing to do with the Royal British Legion.
Increasingly, it seems that some members of the public are seeing Poppy Day as something akin to Halloween or Christmas, a time to buy a range of poppy-themed products, festoon the house and garden with ‘seasonal’ decorations and bedeck themselves with poppy accessories. All this frivolity has nothing to do with the original intention of Poppy Day, which was to honour and commemorate the sacrifices made by members of the armed forces.
At the same time, the phenomenon of poppy shaming has ballooned, predictably assisted by social media and whipped up by a legion of trolls. It is now seen as the kiss of death for any politician, newscaster or presenter, whose face is regularly seen on our screens, to be seen without a poppy. It is also now de rigueur for entire Premier League football teams to sport embroidered poppies on their shirts. People in the public eye who do not wear poppies find themselves targeted by a tsunami of abuse and denigration and are frequently accused of a lack of respect and patriotism.
Indeed, as the poppies have proliferated, the original notions of remembrance have become increasingly subsumed into a general feeling that the poppy has become a symbol of national pride and, as such, refusing to wear a poppy is read as subversive and traitorous. This is very far from the origins of this ubiquitous symbol, and not something that the RBL encourages. They argue that choosing to wear a poppy is a purely personal choice and it is every person’s right not to participate.
So as Remembrance Sunday approaches and poppy-sellers appear on street corners, pause for a moment to think about why you are buying and wearing a poppy and what it represents to you. Accept that this is your own choice to make, but ensure that it is a conscious act, not a kneejerk example of virtue signalling. Above all, accept that some people have chosen not to wear a poppy and respect that choice. Do not hound or nag the poppyless or wallow in self-righteousness and remember the veterans you are meant to be honouring fought to defend a democratic society where freedom of choice was protected.
Anybody who has spent any time in Britain will soon find themselves closely acquainted with the art of chit chat. Defined by the dictionary as ‘inconsequential conversation’ or ‘talk about trivial matters’, chit chat is the most basic form of small talk. It is a preliminary in all types of social encounters, ranging from an exchange with a shop assistant or a conversation with a hairdresser or the postman to brief encounters with strangers on buses, trains, at the gym or swimming pool, in the doctor’s waiting room and so on.
Chit chat oils the wheels of everyday interactions and helps put everyone at their ease. It is always mundane and never challenging. Its close relation, small talk, which is practised in social situations such as drinks parties or dinners, is polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters; it may be the opening sally in a new acquaintanceship that could lead ultimately to friendship or romance, whereas chit chat is an end in itself. Its primary function is to make everyday life easier, to make the world a more friendly place.
Chit chat also plays an important role in work environments. Colleagues enjoy chatting over their morning coffee or while waiting for the lifts. They will frequently engage in a few moments of chit chat before getting down to the business of meetings and presentations. Visitors from other cultures may well find these banal exchanges somewhat puzzling – why is everyone talking animatedly about the weather when they could be addressing the matter in hand? But these preliminaries are an important ritual; they lay out common ground and seek consensus (even if it only about the awfulness of the weather, or the inefficiency of the trains), which can be an invaluable foundation when it comes to more challenging discussions.
Ultimately, chit chat is about sharing; it is a moment of connection where agreement is asked and offered. The short-lived bonds it creates are effective ways of moderating our behaviour – we are much more likely to be polite, considerate and courteous towards people with whom we have established a connection, however tenuous it may be.
The Weather
A universal ice-breaker, the weather offers a neutral topic, which everyone, from a small child to a grandmother, enjoys discussing. Other countries endure far more noteworthy weather events – droughts, hurricanes, tornadoes – but British weather is, above all, unpredictable. Sunshine, showers, wind and snow sweep across the country with great rapidity, providing an ever-changing outlook, meaning that with the weather as the focus of interest, conversation is never going to falter.
Traffic and Transport
We all of us are obliged to travel from A to B and it is safe to say that our journeys do not always run smoothly. Our roads are overcrowded, riddled with potholes and beset by roadworks. Trains do not run on time, and are bedevilled by engineering works, staff shortages and signal failures, buses are unpredictable. In short, we have much to grumble about and a shared moan with a stranger can be a very bonding experience.
On occasion, chit chat can be quite prolonged and may expand to embrace a wider range of topics, but once you have departed from the universal topics (see above), you will need to be conscious that you might be straying into areas of non-engagement and you will have to assess the responses of your conversational partner and be ready to change the subject if necessary.
Sport
This is by no means a guaranteed topic of general interest but there are undoubtedly occasions when a sporting event – World Cup football, Wimbledon tennis final, Olympic Games – sweeps many people up in an enthusiastic fervour. On these occasions, it is acceptable to ask the simple question: “Did you see the football (tennis/rugby/100 metres etc) final?” Be ready to change the subject immediately if you are met with blank-faced incomprehension.
Weekend plans
This topic is particularly useful for work colleagues who may have only a passing acquaintance but feel that it is important to show a modicum of interest in each other’s lives in order to reinforce esprit de corps in the workplace. So, as the working week nears its end, you could ask “Have you got anything nice planned for the weekend?” and at the beginning of the work week you can ask “Did you have a good weekend?” If you are questioned and have very little of interest to report, it is easy enough to brush off the query with a polite and bland response, eg “Not really – I seemed to spend the whole time cooking and cleaning”. If your weekend is packed with conversation-worthy activities (extreme sports, mini-breaks, parties, theatre trips etc), you will have plenty to chat about –just make sure you don’t start to monologue or, worse still, boast about your exciting life.
Local Interest
If you’re chit chatting with someone who lives near you there may well be plenty of topics that relate to your neighbourhood. Often these might be shared complaints – missed rubbish collections, poorly maintained roads, bad planning decisions, shop closures – and it is always enjoyable to bond over these preoccupations. Or you might find that you learn something new about your locale – a newly-opened café, changes in parking rules, amended opening hours at the local library etc etc.
Shared Interest
A lot of chit chat will focus on the circumstances of your meeting. If, for example, you are chatting to a fellow parent at the school gate you will have a wealth of common ground (your children, the teachers, school policies etc) that will stimulate conversation. Similarly, if you’re talking after an exercise class, you may enjoy comparing notes about your fitness regime. A lot of chit chat will emanate very naturally from the fact that you are sharing an experience or interest with another person.
With the loneliness epidemic growing, it is apparent that many of us are living more self-contained lives. We work from home, interact on social media, shop online. The number of casual meetings that we experience each day is diminishing and many of us are becoming less confident about our ability to converse easily with strangers and casual acquaintances. Some of us even take steps to avoid casual encounters – crossing the road to avoid acquaintances or fiddling with our phones so we don’t have to chat with shop assistant or barista.
If you’re a chit chat avoider, consider the fact that most people agree that casual conversations with strangers enhances feelings of wellbeing and positivity, and try and do the following:
•Start small. Simply smiling warmly and saying “Good morning” or “have a nice day” is an important first step.
•If someone asks you “how are you today?” resist the temptation to just mutter “Fine”. Challenge yourself to add something, even if it’s just a reciprocal “How are you?”.
•Remember a simple pleasantry can be an opportunity to launch into a chit chat topic: “Well, I’m not really enjoying this terrible rain…”
•Chit chat is a positive interaction: the idea is to reinforce and agree, so don’t come back with argumentative responses.
•If you want to prolong the interaction, remember to ask questions and don’t get carried away by a rambling monologue. If you find yourself talking, uninterrupted, for more than 60 seconds you have been talking for too long.
•Don’t be nosy. Chit chat is essentially bland and non-intrusive and most British people do not like being asked personal questions (for example about marital status, family, finances, politics) by total strangers.
•Know when you’re beaten. Your conversational gems may fall on stony ground and if someone really doesn’t want to engage in chit chat you can’t make them. Move on and don’t be discouraged.
Traditional manners, which were instilled into children at a very young age, were woven around the notions of hierarchy and respect. Gestures, such as standing up, nodding to acquaintances, offering an arm, or shaking hands, were finely calibrated to indicate the deference due people who were older or higher status, and this stately dance ensured that social interactions moved on well-oiled wheels.
Much has changed as society has become more egalitarian, especially in relation to status and gender. While older people may still be treated with a certain amount of care and deference – partly because they belong to an earlier generation and have different expectations and partly for simple pragmatic reasons (they may need a seat or a helping hand) – chivalrous gestures towards women might be misconstrued.
But we do not need to discard all these old-fashioned gestures simply because the structures they underpinned have now been eroded. Polite gestures are still elegant and thoughtful and continue to have the power to ease social friction or awkwardness. We just need to reappraise them from the perspective of the 21st century:
Traditionally, men got to their feet when women came into the room, and younger people stood up for their elders. Standing up was considered a fundamentally polite gesture because it was a courteous acknowledgement of the new arrival – and that still holds good today. Nowadays, it is considerate to stand up regardless of age and gender, and at the very least a host should always stand to greet guests.
If you are introducing new arrivals to guests who are already seated, it would be polite (as long as it’s not physically awkward) for the seated guest to stand up to shake hands with the new arrival. If seated guests already know new arrivals, it would also be polite for them to stand up and greet them, whether to shake hands, hug or kiss. Languidly offering to shake hands from a seated position looks lazy and disrespectful – an exception would be an elderly or infirm person.
In days gone by, the standing to meet new arrivals rule also applied in restaurants, and it was common to see entire seated tables of diners rising to their feet every time a new person joined the party. This might well still happen – especially if the latecomer is the guest of honour, the boss, or a venerable family member. But in the normal run of events, some judgement needs to be exercised. Tables in restaurants are often cramped, waiters might get in the way, other guests might be inconvenienced by all the sitting and standing. The most important thing is to ensure that latecomers are greeted, welcomed and acknowledged and sometimes it is less disruptive to remain seated, or to opt for half-rising from the seat, which is a nod towards the standing tradition.
If somebody is hosting a restaurant meal and effectively running the whole show (guiding menu choices, choosing the wine, showing guests where to sit and – crucially – paying the bill), then it would be normal for them to stand to greet guests, just as they would at home.
Children and teenagers may be absorbed in playing, looking at their phones or laptops or watching televisions when adults who are not family members, for example their parents’ guests, come into the room. They should be encouraged to set aside these distractions, and get to their feet and greet the adults, even though their natural tendency may well be to ignore the adult intruders and remain lost in their own worlds. If you allow children to opt out of this simple social interaction you will be setting a bad precedent; they may well grow into the kind of adults who remain rooted to their chairs and can never be bothered to greet anyone.
It is polite to take people’s coats or bags when they arrive (asking “May I take your coat?” is always a good idea as it ensures that guests will be ready to relinquish their belongings). Itis much more courteous to take the coats yourself and hang them up, or drape them over a chair, rather than gesturing vaguely in the direction of the pegs etc and leaving your guests to look after themselves. You should fetch their belongings when they leave, and you can also offer to help them into their coats but use your judgement as not everyone likes being fussed over. Hold the coat by the shoulders and position it so that the arms can slip in easily. Lift the coat on to the shoulders, then lift it slightly again.
Always offer a helping hand to older people who may find it difficult to manoeuvre themselves on to buses or trains or find it hard to negotiate revolving or heavy doors. This is true for anyone, of any age, who is encumbered with crutches or sticks, which makes it hard to negotiate public transport. It is also important to assist parents with buggies, offering to grab one end so they can navigate steps and doorways.
In the past it was always considered courteous for a man to offer his seat to a woman. It is now a trickier matter of personal judgement. There is no need to jump up on the train or underground every time you see a woman standing (unless she is pregnant or elderly, when it is a definite requirement). But if circumstances are particularly taxing or uncomfortable, and you’re feeling chivalrous, you should offer. It goes without saying that women should also consider offering their seat to those less able to stand, regardless of gender.
It was traditionally considered courteous for men to hold doors open for women and allow them through first, and it is still a polite gesture for men to hold a door open for women. But if a woman arrives at the door first and starts to open it, a man shouldn’t awkwardly rush in front of her exclaiming “I’ll get that!”; most women have no expectation that they will be ‘helped’ through doors by their male companions. Young people should give way to adults.
It is essential that everyone who is passing through a door should check behind them and ensure that they are not letting the door slam in someone’s face.
If you are passing through a door and you see someone approaching, it is polite to wait a few seconds and hold the door open for them, but only if they are close to the door. Standing holding a half-open door with a patient grin on your face while someone covers a considerable distance to relieve you (often in a rush because they don’t want to keep you waiting) is taking it too far.
Younger, more able people or those coming down should pause on narrow stairways to let others up. If someone clearly needs the banister for support, allow them to stay on that side. When following someone upstairs, avoid getting too close by keeping a gap of a few stairs between you.
As with all these polite gestures, it is always courteous to acknowledge them, with a verbal thank you, a smile, a nod or some other mark of approbation. It is important to do so because it demonstrates that you have noticed the gesture and truly appreciate it and indicates that you are not a heedless person who sails through everyday transactions without ever noticing the myriad ways in which other people ease your passage.
It must be apparent to all of us that the British have truly embraced the whole notion of Halloween. Our own Guy Fawkes night is taking a back seat in many households and instead an orgy of spooky costumes, themed decorations, repellent foods and illuminated pumpkins is everywhere in evidence.
You might well be energised and excited by the Halloween iconography of skulls, spider’s webs, jellied eyeballs, bleeding axe wounds, ghouls, witches and vampires and love the whole idea of a themed celebration. But, as with all communal festivities, there will always be people who resist expectations and refuse to follow the crowd, and often they have perfectly good reasons for being reluctant to join in.
We should never assume that all small children are titillated by scary ghost stories, thrilled by ghoulish costumes or delighted by the prospect of being scared half to death. Some children find the whole Halloween horror show too hot to handle, and nobody should force them to wander the streets in the dark, being assailed by the walking dead, or ambushed by frightening witches and ghosts. As adults, we know that whole event is an enjoyable frolic, an extravaganza of make-believe, but some children can be very susceptible and take the horrors on display literally.
At the other end of the spectrum, some older people may find the event disruptive and alarming. They are dependent on well-established routines and used to the peace and security of their homes, especially as the autumn nights draw in, and may be disorientated and distressed by the goings on outside. Unexpected knocks on the door at night, people in costumes and loud noises can all be disruptive and cause agitation and anxiety.
Small children, accompanied by adults, knocking on neighbours’ doors in pursuit of sweets and a suitably terrified reaction to their costumes is at the inoffensive end of the Halloween spectrum. But as the night wears on, the atmosphere can turn more febrile and tense. Older teenagers can sometimes take the ‘trick’ aspect of the evening too far and a seemingly innocent bit of theatre can turn into threatening anti-social behaviour. Trick or treating in the UK is not against the law, but when behaviour turns disruptive, the police have the authority to arrest individuals who have been involved in harassment, vandalism or threatening conduct. It is quite understandable that anyone who has experienced this type of behaviour may feel extremely wary of the whole Halloween horror show.
The more dexterous and ingenious amongst us are no doubt well equipped to knock up striking Halloween costumes, but for most of us this time of year means can mean extra expense, and often stress. We browse supermarket aisles and shop online for gruesome accessories for our children, and some adults also invest in expensive outfits with a spooky twist.
The obligation not to let our children down can lead to a very tense run-up to Halloween, especially for parents who are not naturally creative when it comes to devising imaginative costumes. There is inevitably an element of rivalry amongst children, so an abject failure to shine can be crushing for the child and piles on extra pressure on parents.
Even adults are feeling compelled to look the part and wow their friends on social media, making the whole Halloween season increasingly completive. This is fine if you love creative styling and staged photoshoots, but it is not so much fun if you’re a Halloween refusenik.
Don’t allow yourself to feel pressurised by all the dressing up antics and, if it really isn’t your thing, have the courage of your convictions and explain politely that you’re not really a fan of Halloween, or a devotee of fancy dress. Remember you can always offset any feelings of negativity by being warm and enthusiastic about the efforts made by your friends. If you like their photographs on social media, maybe picking out certain details for special approbation, you will soon find that your withdrawal from festivities is not causing offence.
Some workplaces embrace the whole Halloween horror show with enthusiasm, and it can feel very oppressive if you’re a non-participant. Anyone who is dreaming up Halloween-themed events in an office should ensure that nobody feels coerced into celebrations, and there should never be any reproaches or pressure. If you really don’t like the whole atmosphere, try and work from home or set up meetings outside the office – sometimes quietly withdrawing from the whole scene is the most tactful gesture.
•Lie Low
If you turn off any outside lights and draw your curtains, you will probably find that you are not disturbed by trick or treaters. Nowadays, people who want to encourage Halloween visitors tend to advertise their welcome with jack-o-lanterns and seasonal decorations, so a dark house speaks for itself.
•Create your own traditions
Autumn is a great time of year for celebrating and socialising before the winter really sets in. Rather than focussing on darkness and death you might want to celebrate the Harvest cornucopia – for example, you could invite round some like-minded friends and serve an autumnal feast of pumpkin soup, bangers and mash and apple pie, washed down with mulled cider, and make this event an annual tradition.
If you’ve got young children, you will probably find their captivated by the traditional, and very seasonal, game of apple-bobbing. This innocent pastime requires you to fill a tub of water with seasonal apples, which bob to the surface. Players must keep their arms behind their back (sometimes they are tied) and attempt to lift the apples with their teeth.
•Enjoy an Anti-Halloween Evening
Treat yourself, and your friends, and hunker down to a self-indulgent evening, replete with comfort food, favourite movies (nothing Halloween-themed), and convivial conversation, and forget about the whole extravaganza.
•Downplay your role
If you’re a Halloween refusenik and your kids are driving you mad with spooky requests, try and team up with another parent who is less conflicted about the whole extravaganza. Maybe they could take your children trick or treating while you concoct a delicious feast (with a modicum of themed Halloween delicacies), for you to all enjoy when the Halloween adventurers return. As long as you reciprocate for this kind of favour, you might be able to minimise your involvement.
“The world was my oyster but I used the wrong fork.” Oscar Wilde
The fork is the most recent addition to our cutlery arsenal. Although the Ancient Greeks are said to have used two-pronged forks and the fork was certainly in use in the Byzantine Empire in the early centuries AD, it took a long time to wend its way northwards. The Italians were the first Europeans to adopt this useful implement and it is said that Catherine de Medici introduced forks to the French in the mid 16th-century court of Henri II. Eventually it founds its way to northwards and, ultimately, to the British Isles where it began to feature in accounts of dining habits in the early 17th century.
In 1609 the British traveller Thomas Coryat, who had encountered forks in Italy and was very impressed by them was much mocked for his enthusiastic appraisal of the fork-wielding habits of the Europeans: “The Italian…doe alwaies at their meales use a little forke when they cut their meat [and if] anyone should unadvisedly touch the dish of meate with his fingers from which all at the table doe cut, he will give occasion of offence unto the company, as having transgressed the lawes of good manners.” The fork prevailed and by 1631 the playwright Ben Jonson was celebrating the fork in the following words:
“The laudable use of forkes,
Brought into custome here, as they are in Italy,
To the sparing o’ Napkins.”
Ben Jonson, The Devil is an Ass, 1631
In its early days in Britain the fork was seen very much as an upper-class affectation, or something that was the preserve of the effete and the dandyish. For centuries it had been customary to eat with the hands. Food was served on slabs of bread, called trenchers, and if necessary, knives were used to cut up meat, which was then eaten with the fingers; spoons were also occasionally deployed. There was much dipping into communal serving dishes with shared implements or fingers and very little regard for food hygiene. As people became more aware of contagion, a fear that was probably fanned the Great Plague of London in the 1660s, they began to take a more circumspect attitude towards shared eating. Wealthier people invested in their own silver or gold forks, which they brought with them when dining out (they were expensive, and hosts weren’t expected to provide them for guests). The fork had arrived.
Initially, forks were crude and double pronged, useful for skewering food, but hard to manipulate. By the18th century they had acquired one or two extra tines and a curved bowl shape. By this point the custom of eating with the knife in the right hand and the fork (with the tines pointing downwards) in the left was evident all over Europe. Forks arrived in the USA later (probably not until the 18th century) and the Americans evolved a different fork etiquette, cutting up their food with the knife in the right hand and fork in the left at the outset, then discarding the knife, and holding the fork in the right hand, tines upward, to convey food to the mouth. This eating method reflects that the fact that for much of their early history, Americans were using knives and spoons.
Forks really began to take off with the advent of silver-plating in the mid-19th century Most utensils before the 18th century were made of silver – the metal that reacts the least with food – but silver is rare, and therefore expensive. It was possible to mass-produce affordable cutlery, and the Victorians really began to push dining accessories in new directions – specialist forks included oyster forks, lobster forks, salad forks, terrapin forks, berry forks, lettuce forks, sardine forks, pickle forks, fish forks, and pastry forks. The upwardly mobile middle classes delighted in the consumer choice, purchasing vast ‘canteens’ of specialist cutlery designed for every possible dining eventuality. At the same time dining etiquette became more and more refined and any self-respecting Victorian diner was expected to know how to wield a vast panoply of equipment.
For most of the 19th century, forks reigned supreme when it came to eating fish. It was customary to eat fish with a silver fork (which didn’t affect the subtle flavour), either with the aid of a piece of bread or – if necessary – with the assistance of a second fork.
But then, in the 1880s, the ever-enterprising cutlers invented the fish knife and fork. This set comprised a wide-bladed knife with a curved, sharp edge (useful for lifting fish off the bone), with a matching fork that was smaller than the usual table fork. Their handles were often made of ivory and decorated with pescatarian motifs.
Some members of the aristocracy looked down their noses at these new-fangled implements and regarded them as irredeemably vulgar. But despite the contumely, fish knives and forks were enthusiastically adopted. However, they are now no longer an indispensable part of most people’s dining equipment, and these days many of us attack our fish with our ordinary knives and forks (the single or double fork technique is rarely seen).
It is still considered customary to eat with a knife and fork in the right and left hand respectively. Traditional manners dictate that the fork is never turned over and used as a shovel and generations of British schoolchildren have been taught the ingenious trick of using the knife to squash recalcitrant food on to the fork (sometimes with the assistance of more pulpy ingredients, such as mashed potatoes). Peas have always been a particular challenge.
But dining habits have changed greatly since the Victorian era and the food we eat now encompasses dining traditions from around the world. We are enthusiastic consumers of spaghetti, noodles, rice and curry. We happily use chopsticks to eat Chinese or Japanese food, or spoons and forks to eat Thai dishes. We discard knives altogether when served a dish of spaghetti or rice with a curry sauce. In these situations, right-handed people who are using a fork on its own often transfer it to their stronger right hand, something our ancestors would never do, but which has now become universally acceptable.
It is still helpful, when you have finished your meal, to place your knife and fork (or fork alone) in the six o’clock position on your plate, with the tines facing upwards and the handle pointing towards you. This indicates to your waiter, host or dining partner that you have finished and that the dish can now be cleared away.
It’s hard to ignore the epidemic of “harassment and abuse of our staff will not be tolerated” signs that have appeared in shops, on public transport and even in GP surgeries and hospitals. They point to a marked deterioration in behaviour, especially in relation to public-facing staff, as we all seem to be feeling increasingly on edge. Retail workers routinely bear the brunt of customer rudeness: a recent survey by the British Retail Trust, revealed that a depressing 90 per cent of workers had encountered abusive customers – a third of the respondents reported this experience occurrd at least once a week.
It has become a reflex to routinely blame the fallout from the pandemic for this sort of behaviour; lockdown led to stress and isolation and these negative feelings were projected on to the most readily available targets, eg shop workers. While it is certainly true that many people behaved strangely during this most difficult of times, it is also true that abusive behaviour of retail workers was also on the rise well before the pandemic.
Undoubtedly, these problems have roots in several factors. Many of us are stressed by modern life, with its plethora of possibilities and challenges, and are finding it hard to cope in a society that is becoming more atomised and isolated, with less reliance on extended families and more emphasis on individual robustness. Inflation – most obviously displayed by rising food prices – has pushed many people to the edge, turning every retail transaction into an anxiety-inducing obstacle course.
Against this backdrop we have entered a world where much of our life is lived online. We routinely do our shopping online and this experience has become increasingly refined and improved, eroding our tolerance for real-life impediments (empty shelves, long queues, irritating fellow-shoppers, crowded carparks, malfunctioning trolleys and so on). Many shops have chosen to dehumanise the retail experience and have introduced self-checkouts and computerised click and collect services which tend to malfunction, or simply to baffle customers, and a confusing confrontation with a perverse piece of technology can be the final straw.
In fact, many instances of customer rudeness can be explained by the notion of the final straw. People who are on edge, under pressure, running late, beset by profound anxieties, are much more prone to crack when faced by everyday challenges. In these circumstances, lashing out at a shop-worker, a barista, a railway guard, or a health centre receptionist carries much less risk that venting all that rage and frustration on a boss, partner, friend or relative. Obviously, the fallout will not have an impact on their most important relationships – they may never see the retail worker again and they are being treated as convenient scapegoats.
But what does this behaviour say about attitudes to retail workers or service personnel? By disregarding their feelings or refusing to contemplate how distressing abusive behaviour towards them must be, irate customers are displaying a disturbing lack of empathy. Their disregard may also be a symptom of something even more alarming; a misplaced feeling of superiority towards people whose job it is to serve and a tendency to discount them.
Either way, remind yourself that – even if circumstances are extremely stressful – we should always be capable of internalising our own feelings of rage and resentment, and should be able to present a polite façade. Discourtesy towards customer-facing staff should be a red flag; if you see this behaviour in other people, it is demonstrating an inability to control negative emotions, a lack of empathy or even a troubling sense of superiority and impunity – all of which are profoundly undesirable characteristics.
Whatever the excuse, abusive behaviour is counterproductive. It is not only extremely upsetting for the victim, but it may also lead to a stalemate where the victim of abuse is understandably unwilling to make any extra effort to be of assistance. Customers are far more likely to benefit from good service if they are polite and courteous and willing to see other people’s point of view.
•Be flexible and accommodating
You are much more likely to become enraged if you have very fixed expectations which are sometimes not met. These may be, for example, about stock availability or speed of checkout. Try and build some contingency into your planning – often allowing yourself a bit more time will relieve some of the pressure.
•Practise active empathy
Try and step for a moment outside your own skin and exercise your imagination. Ask yourself how would you feel if someone spoke to you abusively? Remind yourself that most service personnel have very little potential for riposte – they are encouraged to defer to the customer and are not allowed to escalate the situation; imagine how trapped and belittled they must feel when they are being rudely berated.
•Think carefully about culpability
The sad fact about most of this abuse is that, even if the customer has legitimate cause for complaint, they are directing their rage at someone who has absolutely no responsibility for the problem and is merely the convenient public face of a much larger organisation. If this is the case, then you really should think about taking your complaint to the store manager or writing a considered critique to the head office or customer complaints department of the organisation – venting your rage at someone on the customer floor will get you nowhere.
•Address your own anger
If you have an unfortunate predilection for letting off steam at service personnel, think carefully about why you are so angry and why you find it so hard to control your emotions. Understanding that more there might be more profound reasons for your rage than an irritating retail experience might help you to address a tendency to lose your temper. Withdrawing from a situation if you feel the anger rising, contemplating the reasons for your rage, and dealing with it when you are feeling calm and collected is always recommended.
•Opt for a charm offensive
Being rude will most likely cause the other person to become defensive and reluctant to help, whereas a polite willingness to work with them to find a solution is often disarming. Sometimes all you have to do is smile confidently and say, “I’m sure we can resolve this,” – using the word ‘we’ subtly diffuses the hostile energy, suggesting that you are both involved in a collaborative effort to solve the problem. Always remember that persistent politeness and calm reasonableness are far more effective weapons than ranting and tantrums.
Knowing how best to behave in tricky situations isn’t always obvious. Inevitably, you will find yourself confronted with embarrassing social dilemmas from time to time, so here’s our advice on what to do and say to get you out of a hole.
•Someone you don’t recognise greets you like an old friend
Assuming it isn’t a case of mistaken identity and that they clearly do know you, but you just cannot recognise their face, don’t look blank and don’t panic – that is just humiliating for both of you. Smile broadly and apologise, then explain that you’re found recently that your memory for names is completely unreliable – you could add a self-deprecating remark about brain fog. If you still don’t recognise the name when they say it, laugh sheepishly, say the problem must be worse than you thought and that you cannot remember when you two last met. Once you have made the connection then don’t refer to the ‘memory loss’ again, just make up for it by being warm and friendly. If you really cannot recall name or meeting when prompted, then perhaps you really do have a problem and should seek professional advice.
•A colleague or acquaintance belittles you in public
Humiliating though it may be, don’t retaliate with an insult. But you don’t need to turn the other cheek either. Look them straight in the eye and calmly say “Please don’t embarrass yourself and everyone else further by being rude”, then turn to someone else, smile and start a new conversation. Witnesses will be left in no doubt who is the social misfit.
•When you get the dress code completely wrong
It is easier to get away with being over-dressed than under-dressed. If you arrive at a dinner party in your best bib and tucker and everyone else is in jeans, just laugh and joke that you always dress for dinner, even at home. But when you arrive in daywear and discover it is a black-tie event, it may just be best to turn around and head for home – unless your presence really will be missed, in which case make your apologies immediately to the host and grin and bear the embarrassment. This will probably involve explaining your faux pas to fellow guests, so try and turn your mistake into an amusing anecdote – people will be more charmed by self-admitted haplessness than carelessness. Avoid this potential blunder by checking the dress code in advance and, if in doubt, ask the host about expectations or consult with one of your fellow guests.
The Special Diet
If you are invited to dine at a restaurant or someone’s home whilst doing the Atkins/Keto/Paleo or Grapefruit diet (or whatever latest trend may be), the guidance is simple: “put up or shut up” but don’t expect your friends or colleagues to suffer the diet with you. If you are hosting at home, either prepare something delicious that fits with your diet (if that’s remotely possible) or cook a ‘normal’ meal for your guests and make a separate dish for your own consumption. If you’re meeting friends in a restaurant, try and order – and eat – food that fits in with your diet, but don’t bore everyone with your nutritional travails.
Conversely, if you are the host and are presented with a list of demands from faddy eaters then you must exercise good judgement; if you can accommodate the requests without making the meal insufferable for your other guests, then do so – otherwise, explain politely but firmly, what you are planning to serve and if that doesn’t suit your guest, offer to make plans for another date when you can go out together to a restaurant of their choice.
•You meet a friend’s partner in a restaurant – with a date
If it is possible to ignore them then this is the easiest option – if they have any decency, they will leave at the earliest opportunity. If you must acknowledge them, don’t be rude (you might just have misread the situation) but you don’t have to be friendly either. Stay cool, even if introduced to the ‘date’, and if you want to make it plain where your loyalties lie, smile imperturbably and say you look forward to having the offender and your friend round for supper very soon. If the ‘date’ looks furious you know your remark has hit home. Whether you choose to confront them or ignore them, don’t be tempted to get straight on the phone to tell your friend; wait a decent interval until the offender has had the chance to offer an explanation before ‘casually’ mentioning the encounter.
•Your friend’s partner makes a pass
If you are at a party and they are tipsy, it is very easy to rebuff them sweetly and not take offence – take it as a compliment and blame their behaviour on impaired faculties. Don’t tell your friend, especially if you think it was genuinely the drink talking. If made when sober, a pass is an altogether a more serious matter and you consider the consequences of your actions before responding. If you take the moral high road and become outraged, you run the risk alienating the offender who will no doubt try to distance you from your friend. If you become upset, it will make future meetings awkward, and your friend will sense something is wrong.
The best option it to treat it as an aberration – make it clear you are surprised and disappointed and offer the offender a face-saving excuse “it must be the stress of your new job that made you act so out of character”. Tell them firmly that you won’t be telling your friend this time and that you should both forget it ever happened. But make it clear that if you see or hear of this behaviour becoming a habit then you will no option but to tell your friend.
•Your in-law makes snide remarks to you behind your partner’s back.
Don’t rise to the bait and try not to involve your partner as asking them to take sides is potentially unfair and divisive. If it happens repeatedly, take the offender to one side and calmly ask if they realise how hurtful and undermining their remarks are. Explain that their behaviour is not conducive to good family relations and is stressful for your partner, who feels responsible for their behaviour and is naturally protective towards you. Politely suggest that if they do not feel willing to respect your position and behave courteously in future, then they must appreciate that they will not be welcome to join in further family occasions. Don’t threaten or be rude – maintain a dignified distance and give them the benefit of the doubt; maybe you aren’t their ideal choice for their precious child but by showing them you can be calm and collected, you may just win them round.
•You are out to dinner with friends and the bill is escalating
We all have friends who are over-indulgent and extravagant – and what’s worse, they don’t have to worry about how much it is costing. Try and head off the situation by explaining in advance that you have some hefty bills this month and that you want to go somewhere low key; that way, they will have fair warning and should adjust their behaviour accordingly. If you find the situation is getting out of hand at the restaurant, then speak up – tell your friends that you are sure that they won’t mind if you don’t join them in that expensive bottle of wine or a la carte menu. Make it clear that you don’t want to spoil their fun but if they want to push the boat out, maybe it would be sensible to ask for separate bills. If they have any tact, they will alter their choice or offer to pay for their more lavish choices.
•A friend or colleague is gossiping behind your back
Hearing from a friend or colleague that someone is spreading malicious gossip about you is never an easy thing to deal with, but it needs to be nipped in the bud. First, be aware that the story may have been twisted, so tread carefully – innocently tell the ‘gossip’ that it has come to your attention that someone (mentioning no names) has been spreading tales or discussing your private affairs in public. Suggest to them that if they hear anything, they should tell you who is the culprit and explain that you have asked your other friends/colleagues to do the same. Now that you have alerted them that you know what is happening, make them feel guilty by saying how disloyal it is to do such a thing and how you are surprised that anyone you know could stoop so low. If they have any honour they will desist immediately and even if they do not feel suitably ashamed, it is most likely that they will be too cowardly to continue when they know that they may be uncovered.
E.M. Busbridge’s Letter Writing and Etiquette (1909) offers a fascinating insight into an era when letter writing was still the only means of communication for most people (telephones were a rarity, which had only been introduced into a limited number of private homes towards the end of the 19th century). While the author of this handy letter-writing guide is concerned with the physical aspects of letter-writing (handwriting legibility, paper choice, folding the letter), much of his attention is focused on the content of the letter.
Today, we write an ever-diminishing number of social letters. Generally, if we sit down with a pen and paper it is because we are writing a thank-you letter (for a gift or hospitality), a reply to a formal invitation (for example to a wedding), or a letter of condolence or congratulation. Yet even the use of letters on these social occasions has become increasingly supplanted by emails and texts.
Whether we are writing a physical letter or sending a digital communication some of Mr Busbridge’s rules still apply today. We’ve looked at some of his key observations and pieces of advice and applied them to the modern context.
1. Use your natural voice
“A letter should be as natural as possible and should be pervaded with the personality of the writer…
Every effort should be made in order that a letter may resemble a pleasant conversation as much as possible… All appearance of striving after effect should be avoided, and what the writer wishes to say should be said clearly and concisely and to the point.”
This exhortation is particularly relevant when it comes to business communications, where there is a tendency to confuse jargon with expertise and to use stilted language to over-complicate simple concepts, thinking it appear more professional. A sentence like “Let’s get our ducks in a row, seek end-user perspective and keep Jamie in the loop” could easily be translated as “let’s get organised, consult the customers and keep Jamie informed.”
Whatever the nature of your communication, whether it is personal or professional, using your natural voice and not falling into the trap of obfuscation or overwrought conceit is always recommended.
2. Watch what you say
“Ill-natured remarks or malicious gossip should never find a place in a letter, for not only will the remembrance of what was perhaps written in the heat of the moment worry and harass the writer when he reflects upon it, but he may even find himself involved in a libel action…. It behoves everyone to be cautious even when writing to most familiar friends, because the letters may fall into other hands than those for which they were intended.”
In a world of fast-paced and instantaneous communication it is common practice to write texts and emails on impulse, without a pause for thought, consideration or caution. The letter-writers of the early 20th century are sternly warned about the dangers of sending indiscreet or defamatory letters, but the risks today are much greater because we can simply press ‘send’ rather than physically taking our letters to the post box (a pause for thought and reflection when many an indiscreet letter has been jettisoned).
It is worthwhile remembering that written words, have staying power, whether they are on paper or on a social media site or email, and it can be hard to repair the damage they cause.
3. Don’t forget good grammar
“Correct grammar, the proper use of words, and good spelling are qualities so essential to a good letter that no one would dispute their necessity; and yet many a letter is marred by mistakes in spelling, or faults in grammar, which a little care and patience would soon abolish… A common error is the omission of ‘stops’ and the utter disregard of punctuation. Yet there is no reason whatever why the ‘stops’ should be treated with such scant consideration, and a little attention paid to them helps to make a clear and interesting document.”
Good punctuation makes language meaningful and obliterates ambiguity and will always add to the clarity of any written document. Don’t be bamboozled by the digital medium into over-using slang and jargon and under-using punctuation. Write in short, clear sentences.
Ensure that correct punctuation is used. Do not use lower case letters throughout as this can appear lazy. Exclamation marks can look somewhat hectic and over-emphatic. Writing in telegraphese (a terse abbreviated style, which underuses verbs) does not make you look busy and important, just annoyingly peremptory.
4. Take your time
“A good specimen of the art of letter-writing should bear no traces of having been written in a hurry...The writer should always consider what he is going to say, and endeavour to put it in the best form possible.”
It’s so easy to dash off all your correspondence (whether by letter or digital channels) in a tearing hurry and to send it off without allowing time for consideration: to contemplate what you have written, check it for errors and omissions, and verify that it serves the purpose you intended. This pause for thought is particularly important when you are communicating digitally, because it will give you a chance to check that the auto-correct has not played havoc with your peerless prose.
5. Avoid over-emphasis
“Another common fault in letter-writing… is the underlining of words and phrases for the sake of emphasis. This habit should be broken as quickly as possible, for surely the reader may be credited with enough comprehension of the subject under discussion, to supply the emphasis himself where it is needed.”
There are many ways (especially with digital tools) of adding emphasis to written communications and it is easy to fall into the trap of over-punctuating to make writing seem more conversational. Underlining, italics, bold type and capital letters are all ways of adding emphasis, with capital letters looking the most attention-grabbing and insistent. But often there is no need for any of these techniques, because the words speak clearly for themselves and there is a danger that your recipients will feel bludgeoned and bamboozled by your writing style.
6. Reply promptly
“Unpunctuality in answering letters, whether they are of a business nature or not, is a fault which cannot be condoned… Every effort should be made to reply quickly, because prompt replies save much trouble both in social and other matters. Punctuality must be particularly observed with regard to answers to invitations, for it is only natural to expect that a hostess would feel slighted if she received no reply to her invitation until several day had passed.”
We are all communicating so much nowadays, and via so many media, that it is easy to feel that our missives are falling into a black hole, never to be acknowledged or answered. As Mr Busbridge observes, prompt replies save “much trouble”; you do not have to chase up the recipient, speculate about whether you’ve been ghosted, or wait for practical information about social or travel arrangements.
The best practice it to make it a rule that you will always send a reply within a few hours to any digital communication even if is a holding message, which explains you’ll be back in touch in more detail shortly. Letter-writers should only have to wait a few days. Always reply promptly to social invitations – it shows that you value other people’s time and that you’re keen to be cooperative and communicative. And that is only polite….
Top: Albert Edelfelt (1854–1905), Lady Writing a Letter
The weekly terrestrial TV schedules are not the driving force for people’s viewing habits that they once were. The arrival of the box set, initially in physical form and latterly via streaming services, has changed everything. Gone are the so-called watercooler moments when colleagues enjoyed dissecting and discussing every detail of a TV drama that had been broadcast the night before. Nowadays, we are all watching according to our own unique tastes and timetable; finding common ground with other people when it comes to viewing habits and avoiding the traps of becoming a box set bore or an inveterate plot spoiler poses a new social challenge.
Manners must evolve to deal with this lifestyle change and we have developed the following guidelines:
The first, and most obvious, etiquette trap is the tendency to talk endlessly about your latest streaming experiences. It is extremely easy, especially when you are watching several episodes a night and doing very little else, to enter the alternative, glittering reality of the TV world.
When you meet up with friends and acquaintances, instead of asking questions, engaging with the pressing issues of the day, discussing work or family issues, you immediately buttonhole your audience with long, rambling recitals of your viewing highlights. Apart from the fact that this, like most monologues, is likely to be extremely boring, even more so if your friends have not seen the series you are so animatedly describing, it is also very revealing. Essentially, it clearly demonstrates that your life is empty and lacking stimulus, and you are choosing to fill the void with an alternative reality. Nobody wants to come across as a helpless TV addict, disengaged from the real world …
The tantalising, cliff-hanging TV series of the past relied on the suspense and delayed gratification endured by viewers who had to wait an agonising week for the next instalment. In this respect, they were like 20th-century versions of the serialised novels of the 19th century; American fans of Charles Dickens’s Old Curiosity Shop waited anxiously on the dockside for the ships to arrive from Britain, asking “Is Little Nell dead?”
Now we can satiate our appetites with marathon viewing sessions, where we gobble down entire multi-part series in two or three evenings. This tendency to binge brings its own problems. People who live, and view TV, together often find themselves in conflict because they watch series at a different rate, with impatient viewers grabbing sneaky previews and then having to wait while other people catch up. If you’re going to watch a box set together, which can be a very enjoyable and bonding experience, you need to discuss the ground rules in advance, to avoid getting out of sync:
•How many episodes are you going to watch at a time?
•Is solo viewing allowed, and should cheaters who’ve grabbed a sneaky preview confess to it?
•If someone wants to interrupt the viewing mid-stream to get a snack or take a phone call is it agreed that the show will be paused?
•If your run of viewing is interrupted by one person’s absence (eg going away on holiday) is it expected that everyone’s viewing of the show will be suspended?
Finally, you might consider drawing out your pleasure and find that taking your viewing more slowly can be a more enjoyable way to proceed, rather than opting for immediate consumption. Spinning out the experience will give you time to linger over plot and character development, discuss the show with friends, and speculate about likely outcomes. It will add depth to the entire experience.
The vast array of viewing options we now enjoy are provided by an ever-growing number of streaming services. A monthly subscription fee will secure access to the service but, inevitably, these modest amounts begin to mount up as more and more streaming platforms become available. Juggling subscriptions is time-consuming and tedious. Some of us opt out altogether, choosing to only view free TV, while more dedicated box-set viewers might find themselves switching subscriptions on and off at a dizzying rate or simply throwing caution to the winds and buying expensive all-in packages.
Whatever you may choose to do, it is inconsiderate to make assumptions about other people’s access to certain TV shows. We all know that it is extremely annoying to find yourself trapped by an enthusiastic box set bore, who regales you with tales of a fabulous new series, only to find at the end of the conversation that it is on a streaming service that you do not use.
Before you launch into a paean of praise or offer insistent recommendations, it is always a good idea to unobtrusively check if the person you are talking to has access to the right streaming service. Just say something like “do you by any chance have Sky/Now/Apple TV?” If the answer is a negative, just say something non-committal like “I was just wondering…” and swiftly move on.
Never respond with a heartfelt harangue about how it is vitally important to procure this service immediately – many people feel pressurised by the world of streaming choice and do not want to be belaboured by a well-intentioned sales pitch. Nobody wants to be made to feel that they are missing out on a cultural milestone because they haven’t stumped up the money for yet another subscription.
Inadvertently revealing a crucial plot twist or development from a film or television series is a serious social faux pas in a world addicted to on-demand entertainment.
Before discussing a TV episode or film with anyone, check first that they have seen it to make sure you’re not in spoiler territory. Be particularly wary on social media or message groups: even cryptic references and emojis can give information away. If you must comment, go for something enigmatic like “I didn’t see that coming!”. That said, it’s impossible to embargo online conversation indefinitely because you might let slip a plot detail. The best compromise is to avoid giving away crucial information in the immediate aftermath of an episode becoming available online. You will need to be the judge of this but keeping quiet for two or three days is a considerate option.
If you do accidentally let slip a spoiler, a heartfelt apology will usually go some way to repairing the damage. If you’re on the receiving end of an accidental spoiler, try to bear it with good humour, rather than complaining and getting your revenge in a tit-for-tat spoiler exchange.
