Traditionally in Britain we have been reluctant to talk about money matters. It was considered rude to enquire about other people’s salaries, or the price of their house or car. These days, explicit conversations about money are much more common – sometimes to the point of gloating and boasting about bargains, profits and so on.
But money is so much more than just a figure on a bank statement, and it can distort relationships, whether social of familial, like nothing else. As with all awkward topics, talking openly about potential problems rather than concealing difficulties or being dishonest about them, will help to iron out some of the complications.
Money tends not to be an issue when your friends and families are all comparably wealthy and there are no startling discrepancies between you. But when you find yourself in the company of people who are many times wealthier than you, or vice versa, the trouble begins.
Many of us will have experienced the discomfort of being invited to join wealthier friends at an eye-wateringly expensive restaurant or hotel, and the dread of the moment when the bill arrives. It is quite possible that one of our wealthier friends will step in and pick up the tab, but we’re not certain of this eventuality so we spend the whole dinner in an agony of discomfort, watching as countless expensive bottles of wine are ordered and imagining the bill racking up.
The undoubted discomfort of this situation is entirely down to a lack of communication – from both parties. If you are lucky enough to be the wealthy instigator of the social arrangement – whether it is a meal out, a villa holiday, a weekend in a hotel – you will need to think seriously about your potential companions. Think about their financial circumstances and if you’re not sure about their income, consider other factors, such as their house, lifestyle, the kind of holidays they choose, where they send their kids to school.
If you acknowledge that there is a noticeable wealth discrepancy, you must act. You may decide that the whole event is going to be your treat, in which case you must tell your friends beforehand in order to allay any anxieties – if you’ve got plenty of money you need to imagine how painful it is to sit through a social event, fretting about your ability to pay your share.
While you will need to be explicit about picking up the bill, you do not need to hammer the point home with loaded statements of the “I know things are a bit tight for you at the moment, and it is a rather expensive restaurant, so I’m quite happy to pay” variety. You will humiliate your friend with your laboured largesse, and resentment will inevitably fester. Instead, try to make very little of your offer, saying something like, “and by the way, tomorrow evening is my treat” and leave it at that.
If you are not prepared to pick up the entire bill, that is your prerogative, but you must forewarn your friends, so they know what they are getting into. When you invite them, say something like “We’re all thinking of going out tomorrow to xxxxxxx. We’ll just split the bill – it will make things easier. Let us know if you’re able to come.” Your friends will be left in no doubt about the financial arrangements, but you are also giving them a chance to look up the restaurant or venue, assess whether they can afford it, and make their excuses if they decide they cannot. At no point are you making any direct reference to their financial status; they can, of course, reference it if they wish to do so.
Finally, don’t let your greater wealth define you. Remember, not all pleasures come with a high price tag and accept that sometimes your less well-off friends would appreciate you crossing over to their territory. You might well find that a more modest expenditure on carefully chosen activities reaps surprising rewards, with the added benefit that your friends can meet you on their own terms.
At the other end of the spectrum, you may be the person with the wealthy friends who is constantly beset by anxiety about paying for yourself when you’re invited out. As always, it is best to be honest about your dilemma, but to have no expectation that other people will step in and pick up the tab. If someone suggests a very expensive venue, say something like “That sounds lovely, but I’m afraid I’m on a budget at the moment, so I’ll have to pass.” Your friends may volunteer to help out, but if they choose not to you can withdraw with dignity. Alternatively, they might say something like “how about we pay for the wine?” which might make the whole arrangement more palatable.
You may find that your wealthier friends are endlessly generous, always picking up bills, inviting you to join them in expensive holiday destinations, taking you out to the theatre, and so on. This is undoubtedly delightful but can end up making you feel uncomfortable and beholden. Every time they make a generous gesture, you squirm with embarrassment, protest, and say meaningless things like “Are you sure?”. This can become a repetitive, and meaningless, social dance.
Of course, you should never take generosity for granted and you should always offer copious thanks for hospitality, but you should also think about other ways in which you can pay back your friends. While you might not be able to afford a Michelin starred restaurant, or bottles of vintage champagne, you might be able to offer a stylish reciprocal gesture – a lavish picnic at a beautiful riverside location, a country walk and a visit to a charming country pub with its own micro-brewery, and so on. Remember, lavish displays of wealth are not a prerequisite for all pleasurable experiences, and your friends will certainly appreciate your desire to treat them for a change.
Ultimately, it never does any harm to have an honest conversation about this dilemma. You can explain to your wealthy friend that you are endlessly appreciative of their generosity/invitations, but you do find it rather problematic because you really cannot afford a lot of their suggestions, and it feels uncomfortable to always be in the position of the “taker”. This may not have occurred to them, and it is possible that they may take note of your comments and allow you to redress the balance, by suggesting more modest treats and venues from time to time.
“Girls are never taught to curtsy now, as they used to be. A real old-fashioned “courtesy”, as it used to be spelled, is quite an elaborate performance. First you draw back the right foot, getting it straight behind the other, and down you go, as far as the suppleness of your limbs will permit, coming up to the “recover” with all the weight on the right foot, and the left pointed out most daintily…The only trace of this old-fashioned and very graceful bit of deportment is the deep reverence made by the ladies at Her Majesty’s Drawing -Rooms. Some of them perform it with practiced aplomb. Others never achieve it. There is a very pretty young princess who plumps down with a suddenness that always makes the Royal circle smile.”
Manners for Women, 1897, by Mrs Humphry
The old-fashioned curtsy, a word that derives from “courtesy”, dates to the Middle Ages and the association of the curtsy with young ladies, rather than gentlemen, can be traced back to the 17th century. The curtsy was a traditional gesture of respect to someone of higher rank or social status and, as such, it became a gesture of compliance and deference. Curtsies feature frequently in the novels of Jane Austen, where they become elegant, and silent, gestures of mockery, submission or acquiescence, depending on the context: towards the end of Pride and Prejudice, faced by Mr Darcy, “Elizabeth merely curtsied to him, without saying a word”.
Curtsies were the commonly accepted greeting on meeting a member of the Royal Family and even within the Royal Family itself, there was an elaborate system of curtsies, which marked rank and precedence, which persists to this day.
The quote above from Mrs Humphry’s indispensable guide to etiquette indicates that, over the course of the Victorian era, the curtsy had begun to fall out of fashion. Ladies had found themselves increasingly encumbered by hooped skirts and bustles, which made the gesture undetectable, unless it was an exaggerated movement downwards (known as a “court curtsy”), which understandably was hard to perform elegantly as it also involved holding up the skirts to ensure that there was no tripping or hem-treading.
The bow and handshake had become increasingly common and, as the 19th century progressed, the feeling seemed to be that pausing to make frequent curtsies on entering a room was cumbersome and slowed down ease of movement. A slight bow of the head as the lady moved past (the “walking bow”) was seen as much more practical. Curtsies were seen as the proper salutation to a partner before a lady commenced to dance and were increasingly consigned to the ballroom and court presentations.
There are no compulsory codes of behaviour on meeting the Royal Family and it is entirely up to the individual whether they choose to curtsy or merely bow their head, which is usually followed by a handshake. Foreign dignitaries, such as world leaders, are not required to curtsy, even though some choose to do so.
To perform a modern curtsy, transfer the weight to one foot (usually the left), while the ball of your other foot is placed behind the leading foot. Bend at the knees, keeping the back straight, holding your hands by your side and bowing your head. It is best to dispense with glasses and handbags before attempting to curtsy.
Curtsies undoubtedly look more elegant when they are performed in a long dress, which conceals the somewhat gawky position of the legs during the process of descent and ascent, merely revealing neatly turned-out feet. The safest bet, if called upon to curtsy, is not to descend too far, satisfying yourself with an elegant bobbing motion. Ladies who choose a more ambitious, balletic movement may find their ascent back to the standing position is onerous and of course there is always a danger of losing balance and staggering. While it might be postulated that the depth of the curtsy is commensurate with the level of respect on display, appearing to be ungainly or histrionically submissive is not a good look.
As the last bank holiday weekend before the Christmas bonanza approaches, many of us view the prospect with some weariness. While more optimistic souls (and exhausted parents) see the August bank holiday as the last hurrah before the new term and new start of autumn, other people see it as a sign that summer will soon be over, the nights will soon close in, and winter is not far away.
Bank holidays carry a weight of expectation; there is a feeling that we will all make the most of this bonus long weekend, enjoy fabulous outings, participate in convivial gatherings with friends and family. The reality is that the weather is often disappointing, traffic jams are overwhelming and public transport is horribly overcrowded. As with all public holidays, there may be a presumption that everyone else is having a wonderful time and feelings of disappointment and disgruntlement about the mundanity of one’s own experience. It is scarcely surprising that many people who live on their own find public holidays particularly irksome, as these feelings can all too easily become magnified.
There are ways of counteracting these feelings and ensuring that the people you care about do not succumb to bank holiday blues:
1. Pace yourself
It’s just a long weekend, so don’t go mad and pack it with over-ambitious activities. Make sure you have plenty of down time to prepare for the following week.
2. Drink moderately
It’s all too easy to throw caution to the winds and hit the bottle over the bank holiday, especially if you’re socialising with friends. But beware: over-indulgence is likely to lead to a crashing hangover and feelings of gloom and depression when it’s time to resume the working routine.
3. Don’t turn into a couch potato
Taking exercise, even if it is just a leisurely stroll around the local park, will lift your mood and will certainly burn off your children’s excess energy. Remember, well known beaches and beauty spots are liable to be extremely crowded, so if you find that a daunting prospect you might do well to moderate your ambitions and stay local.
4. Check out family and friends
Before the weekend, make sure that you’re in contact with the people you care about and check that they have plans for the bank holiday. Some people will be happy to sequester themselves away for the duration, others may appreciate a suggestion for an outing or an invitation to come round for a drink or meal.
5. Don’t overspend
If you’re feeling vaguely discontented about your boring bank holiday, it’s so easy to throw money at the problem, whether it is going out for expensive meals, taking the kids to a theme park, or indulging in a night in a luxurious hotel. Think carefully about whether you can really afford these treats – the bank holiday comes at the end of the holidays, and you may well have already had a very expensive and indulgent month. Regretting your bank holiday over-extravagance is not a good start to September, so consider more creative – and inexpensive – ways of having a good time.
6. It’s fine to be a refusenik
Some people are happy to opt out of these communal events altogether. They enjoy their own company at Christmas and Easter and steadfastly refuse all bank holiday invitations. They might see bank holidays as an opportunity to do the exact opposite of the rest of the country, eschewing the pursuit of pleasure and instead embarking on a project that they have been putting off, such as decorating, decluttering or digging the vegetable patch. If you know a refusenik, and you believe that their refusal to participate in all suggested social events is genuine (rather than mere politeness), it is only courteous to leave them to their own devices. Don’t bombard them with invitations and suggestions or pay them surprise visits. Trust what they say and respect it – just make sure you follow up in the days after the weekend break and check that the bank holiday has left no lasting scars.
If there are people who you feel would really appreciate your hospitality, you could invite them for a simple summer lunch that will not tax your culinary powers, energy or wallet. If the weather permits, this would be delicious served al fresco, but it can equally be served indoors if drizzle and grey skies are the order of the day.
When you are inviting your guests, you could use the phrase ‘light lunch’ to indicate that they will not be sitting down to a three-course, home-cooked extravaganza – it’s always a good idea to manage guests’ expectations.
Follow the Mediterranean practice of providing a mezze – a mixed platter of bread, cheese, olives, cold meat and a large mixed salad.
Make tomato bruschetta by brushing sliced ciabatta with oil, then griddling or grilling the bread until charred and golden. Rub the bread with a clove of garlic and then spoon over a mixture of chopped tomatoes, olive oil, salt and black pepper. Top with a sprig of basil.
This delicious bread can be accompanied by a platter of Parma ham, cheese, salami and olives. You could also grill slices of halloumi, then drizzle them with olive oil, which you have infused with lemon juice and oregano, before serving.
If you have vegan guests, you could make your own hummus. Simply mix a can of chickpeas, a clove of garlic, juice and zest of one lemon and three tablespoons of tahini with approximately 60-90ml of water and blend. Taste and adjust. Serve with warmed pita bread.
Summer brings a great range of delicious fruits – most people will be delighted with a generous bowl of strawberries or raspberries and cream.
If the weather is kind, you could accompany your lunch with a large jug of simple sangria: mix three parts red wine with one part orange juice and two parts lemonade and add plenty of ice. Taste and adjust the proportions accordingly. Garnish each glass with some fresh mint and a few slices of orange or lemon.
Make sure you have plentiful supplies of ice, sparkling mineral water and a soft drink alternative, such as elderflower cordial or lemonade.
It’s exam results season and all over the country parents are waiting with bated breath for their children’s results and trying to cope with a range of emotions – both their own and their child’s – which are swirling around. Parents and young adults are already dealing with the aftermath of A levels and GCSE results will soon be following.
Results day and its aftermath is undoubtedly an ordeal for your child, and it is painful to see them go through it, but there are ways in which you can make it more bearable for everyone concerned:
1. It’s not all about you
Many parents live vicariously through their children. They might feel that their children have a duty to live up to their parents’ achievements and see any failure to do so as a major disappointment. Alternatively, parents may be embittered or disillusioned by their own under-achievement, and eagerly seeking some form of redress through the triumphs of their children. Either way, they are making the fatal mistake of not seeing their children as autonomous individuals, whose motivation, aspirations, successes and failures are very much their own. Now is the time to focus on your children, not on yourself.
2. Be alert to stress
Keep an eye on your teenagers and look out for telltale signs of stress, such as headaches, sleeplessness, lack of appetite, and above-average levels of inertia. While you must accept that a certain amount of stress is inevitable, it might be a good idea to deploy distraction techniques – arrange outings, organise movie nights, encourage your kids to see friends, play sports, go shopping etc. Just make sure you don’t go into fretful parent overdrive and try to control your own feelings of anxiety – your children will pick up on your stress and that will only make them feel worse.
3. Don’t underplay expectations
On results day it is tempting to calm down anxious teenagers with remarks like “don’t worry, we’re not expecting anything”. You may feel that you are letting your child off the hook, removing the weight of parental expectation. But of course, they have put in work and effort (or at least you hope they have) and this is very much their drama – underplaying it may make them feel untethered and rudderless. It’s much better to say something like “we’re here for you, no matter how you do”.
4. Don’t Over-React
Your child’s grades may be extremely disappointing (or astonishingly good), but it is best not to wallow in over-reaction: if they have done poorly, you will convey the message that they have let you down; or, if they have done surprisingly well, they may feel that you did not hold them in high enough esteem. Heartfelt satisfaction or stoic acceptance will lower the emotional temperature and give them space to come to terms with their grades.
5. Don’t play the self-fulfilling prophecy card
Reacting to poor results with fatalistic remarks like “Well, you were never any good at maths” or greeting stellar results with “I always knew you were going to ace it” is undermining. You are asserting that the results are entirely predictable, clearly reinforcing your own views of your child’s talents or deficiencies. This can be very provoking for the child if they have been working hard to prove you wrong, to surprise and delight you with their success.
6. Comparisons are odious
How other students have fared is an irrelevant question. Your child will already be all too used to the competitiveness of modern life, and the persistent comparisons that are a relentless and retrograde feature of social media. Whether they have done better or worse than their contemporaries, they will still have to learn to live with their own results. Trying to make them feel better by citing a worse-performing friend is just mean, and they’ll know it. They’ll rightly be suspicious if you show too much interest in their friends’ results; it betrays the fact that you’re anxious to know where your child stands in the pecking order, a sure sign of over-competitive parenting.
7. Don’t say “It’s not the end of the world”
From your much longer perspective, you know that even truly disastrous exam results don’t spell certain doom; there are always options, such as re-sits or re-appraisals and maybe a setback will act as a springboard for greater effort, or a productive change of direction. But when you are a teenager, with limited life experience, bad news on results day really can feel like a calamity, a truly shattering experience. Picking up the pieces, finding the resolve to move on, recalibrate and reboot is an all-important life lesson, and it will not help if parents denigrate the debacle or attempt to obliterate it with heedless optimism. Give your child room to feel the real weight of their disappointment; standing by with supportive suggestions and reassuring remarks (“is there anything we can do to help?”) is the best you can do.
8. Don’t say “I said you should have worked harder”
Being wise after the event is such a bad look. Even if you were all too aware that your child wasn’t working hard enough and predicted results day disappointment, reminding them of your prescience and insight is not going to help on the day itself. It is to be hoped that, in time, they will learn an all-important lesson and appreciate that hard graft really does bear fruit. But for the time being, lay off – they really don’t need to be told.
9. Don’t barge in and help
Dealing with the fallout from exam results is a real challenge for young adults. Your child may want to handle the aftermath – speaking to the school or university, seeking guidance or talking to careers advisors – without your assistance. It is important to stand by and let them take the initiative; of course, some teenagers will feel completely disorientated and confused and may be in desperate need of help. So, make it clear that you’re available to do anything you can to help and then let them come to you, rather than imposing your own agenda on them.
10. Don’t Brag
Over-competitive parents are all too ready to proclaim their child’s triumph from the rooftops, and while quiet pride and affirmation is certainly the order of the day, trumpeting success is troubling. Not only will you cause resentment and discomfort amongst friends and fellow parents who are not so happy with their child’s results; your exuberant celebrations will heap pressure on your child, making them feel that your love is conditional on their achievements.
Summer seems to have finally arrived and once again we are gripped by the pressing question: when is it acceptable to wear shorts?
Office dress codes have been transformed greatly over the last decade. The old office uniforms (suit and tie or the female ‘smart’ equivalent) are no longer de rigueur in many workplaces: we move more freely between home and the workplace, communicate through video calls, set up camp with our laptops in the local café, and to some extent the way we dress reflects this fluidity.
So, it is scarcely surprising that, when temperatures rise, many people’s instinct is to opt for the most comfortable clothes available, and shorts are high on the list. But, even in our new relaxed work environment, shorts do pose certain problems. For many people, they are strongly associated with beach holidays, sport, lolling about in the garden – the exact opposite of a working environment. To add to the problem, shorts are worn by children (often as part of their school uniform) and for that reason they have a whiff of frivolity and juvenility, which some adults simply cannot shake off.
Clearly the shorts question needs careful thought:
The first step is to deploy your social antennae and examine your working environment. Workplaces where inventiveness, imagination and individuality are valued (media, journalism, design etc) are more liable to tolerate a completely relaxed dress code. In fact, people may choose to dress in interesting and original clothes in order to reinforce messages about their own creativity. In this sort of environment, shorts would undoubtedly be completely acceptable.
If, on the other hand, you work in one of the professions (law, medicine, banking) or in an office that offers a service for the public, you will need to think very carefully about the prevailing ambience, and you may have to accept that a much more conventional and traditional dress code is expected.
Whatever the type of workplace, it is safest to bow to the general mood and conform wherever possible. Save your most original and provocative tendencies for your private life and recognise the dividing line between your professional and private persona.
Unless you are working in an anything-goes environment, where even the shortest shorts don’t raise an eyebrow, it is important, when wearing shorts for work, that you expunge all holiday associations. That means opting for tailored shorts that end just above the knee (the more they creep up the thigh the more beach-ready they will look). For the same reason, it is best to avoid jaunty patterns, tropical prints, and bright colours. You will also need to ensure that your shorts do not look like sportwear, so avoid figure-hugging lycra at all costs.
Be careful about footwear too. Shorts can look smart when they are teamed with loafers or pristine white trainers; sandals (especially for men) are more problematic as the association with sun, sea and sand is undeniable. The more of the foot that is revealed, the less serious you will look – flip flops are a no no.
How important is it to you to look professional and authoritative? Of course, this will depend on your role and workplace, but there are undeniably jobs where shorts just won’t work. Nobody wants to see politicians, judges, lawyers, chief constables, headmasters and headmistresses, bank managers, doctors or consultants in shorts for the simple reason that they will undermine their authority. All these professions rely on our endorsement: we, the general public, respect these figures, acknowledge their expertise and accept that they occupy a role where they can make decisions that will impact us in profound and life-changing ways. We expect them to be serious and sober people, who have excised any visible tendencies towards frivolity and quirkiness (what they do in their leisure time is their own business).
Conventional office dress codes do serve a purpose. They set out a kind of work ‘uniform’, which acts as a visual shorthand for competence and professionalism. People whose work reputation relies on projecting these qualities should think seriously before they opt for clothes that prioritise hot-weather comfort at the risk of undermining their authority.
Top: British officers wearing shorts, 1940
British Army Officers' shorts date back to the late 19th century and were designed for officers serving in India. These loose-cut garments, in hard-wearing military drill, were worn long and wide, with knee-length socks, to maximise air circulation and to provide relief from the stifling heat and humidity of foreign postings. They became popular amongst soldiers, tea planters and colonial officers, but were discontinued in the late 1940s.
The opening of the red grouse shooting season on 12 August is famously called the ‘Glorious Twelfth’. In the days and weeks that follow, these lean and tasty birds are in demand as cooks and restaurants make the most of this seasonal treat.
Shooting birds such as pheasants for sport became popular during the Regency period, following the invention of the percussion cap gun. Landowners began to shape their terrain to encourage game shooting, creating woods and covets. By the mid-19th century, the arrival of the breech loading shotgun, which enabled sportsmen to kill a large number of gamebirds in relatively quick succession, played a significant role in the development of the driven shoot.
Driven game shooting had been a minority recreation until 1840 when Queen Victoria married Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. The prince, who had experienced large-scale shoots held in his German homeland, popularised driven game shooting by turning the royal estate at Windsor into a massive game-park. Inevitably, wealthy sportsmen, particularly younger men, soon began to follow the royal example, establishing driven shoots – often in the hope of attracting Prince Albert and acquiring social prestige as a result.
Pheasant and partridge shooting was predominantly the preserve of the landowner and his invited guests, whereas from the 1870s onwards, grouse shooting became increasingly commercialised, with many landowners letting out their moors to wealthy businessman and enthusiasts. The growing railway network greatly facilitated the transport of sportsmen to the grouse moors in the Scottish Highlands and the uplands of northern England, where the elusive grouse is to be found.
Edwardian shooting parties, held in August and September, were a combination of country house party and social event. Wives accompanied their husbands, but had to amuse themselves in the morning, when the men were shooting. Sometimes, they went and joined the men for lunch, which was served in a draughty tent, or in the open air. After lunch, they frequently joined their husbands, standing by their side for the afternoon’s shooting, which must have been an intensely boring and uncomfortable experience. More dedicated sportsmen despised the distraction of the ladies, and preferred to stay out, unattended, for the entire day. They would probably shoot for several consecutive days and then enjoy a couple of idle days, where they reverted to more traditional country house pursuits, such as going out on expeditions and picnics or visiting neighbours.
Following the example of King Edward VII, who was a dedicated sportsman, Edwardian gentlemen became compulsive fans of shooting, and their participation in the sport became a sign of their social standing. Few could match the King’s performance; in one day at the turn of the century he is said to have hosted a shoot where he and nine others killed 1,300 birds in a single day.
These days, you do not have to procure your grouse through skilled marksmanship. They are available from good supermarkets or butchers and game dealers, local estate and farm shops, or even ordered online.
It is usual to buy the birds ‘oven-ready’ but check them for age and quality. Young birds should be fresh-smelling, firm-breasted and sharp-clawed, with a pliable beak, legs and feet. They should also be plump and moist, with unblemished skin.
Young birds are best roasted; older birds can be touch and are usually braised or used in rich casseroles, flavoured with thyme and red wine. You should allow a bird per person.
Cooking your Grouse
•Wipe out the inside of the cavity, stuff with some sprigs of thyme, and season inside and out.
•Tie the legs with string and, as an optional extra to protect the breast meat, place a couple of rashers of bacon around the bird.
•Preheat the oven to 200°C/gas mark 6. Cooking times vary according to the age of the bird: young ones take approximately 15-20 minutes, older birds can take a little longer. If you choose to brown your birds first on the stovetop in melted butter, then reduce the cooking time to 10 minutes.
Serving the bird
•Grouse should be served rare; the breast meat should be springy but not too soft. Always allow the meat to rest for at least ten minutes before serving.
•Grouse is traditionally served with gravy (made from the cooking juices), bread sauce, redcurrant sauce, game chips or game crumbs. A generous garnish of watercress is a classic accompaniment.
•Purists often cook the grouse liver inside the cavity of the bird and spread it, like pâté, on a little crouton and serve it with the roast.
•Grouse is best suited to red wine; try a Burgundy (such as Gevrey-Cahambertin) or a northern Rhone (such as Côte Rhôtie).
Chips and Crumbs
Game chips and game crumbs are a traditional accompaniment to classic roast grouse. To make game chips, cut a large potato (Maris Piper works well) into very thin slices, preferably using a mandolin. Gently heat some oil and, when hot, fry the potato slices for three to four minutes, until crisp and golden. Drain on a piece of kitchen roll and season with salt. For game crumbs, fry two handfuls of white breadcrumbs in six tablespoons of butter until they are crisp and golden.
Vegetarian or Vegan Guests?
You may delight in this gamey delicacy and regard it as a huge treat, but you can never assume all your guests will be like-minded. If a guest informs you that they are vegetarian or vegan, resist the temptation to reproach them or regale them with tales of shooting prowess. As a good host, you must cater for them as generously and with as little fuss as possible. If you are making game chips or crumbs, they will be perfectly palatable for everyone; you can pan fry a fillet of fish for pescatarians or create a delicious vegetable and lentil casserole, which you can re-heat gently in the bottom of the oven while you are roasting your grouse.
Top: Matthew Dubourg, 'Grouse Shooting', aquatint, 1822
On a hot summer’s day an al fresco afternoon tea, served under a shady tree in the garden or under a parasol on a balcony is a truly civilised way of hosting friends (the surreal Mad Hatter’s tea party in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, when “it’s always tea-time, and we’ve no time to wash the things between whiles,” is perhaps not the best example to follow).
You will not be required to serve alcohol, and you can either choose to do your own baking or buy in various essential items, such as scones, and concentrate instead on preparing delicious sandwiches. It is a useful intermediate social event, which does not carry the culinary burden of a lunch or a dinner. It is also circumscribed – only the most obdurate guests will stay on indefinitely once the tea is cold in the pot and the last scones have been eaten.
It is well known that the tradition of afternoon tea, when tea was served at 4pm with cakes, savouries and sweets, was started by the Duchess of Bedford in 1840 and has remained popular ever since. The evening meal in her household was served fashionably late at eight o’clock, thus leaving a long period of time between lunch and dinner. The Duchess would become hungry around four o’clock in the afternoon and as that a tray of tea, bread and butter and cake be brought to her room during the late afternoon. This became a habit of hers and she began inviting friends to join her.
The pause for tea became a fashionable social event. During the 1880s, upper-class and society women would change into long tea gowns (intended to be worn without corsets and therefore manageable without the assistance of a maid), designed for at-home wear in the presence of family and close friends.
In Irene Davidson’s Etiquette for Women, published in 1928, the afternoon tea ceremony still played an important role in the social round, and detailed advice was offered to aspiring hostesses.
Invitation was by an “informal little note” or could be given personally or by telephone. The tea was laid out, ready in the drawing room, but hostesses were advised not to make the tea until all the guests had been seated – “the ideal plan is to have a small spirit lamp on the tea-table, so that you can make the tea yourself”.
Davidson was reassuring about the complexity of the catering: “Don’t feel that you must have an elaborate display of cakes, or very rich ones. It is much more important to have excellent and very hot tea, and nicely cut bread -and-butter, scones, or small sandwiches. Besides these, a few petit fours or simple small cakes and a plate of cut cake will be ample. Jammy or stickily iced things are undesirable, however attractive they may look.”
This excellent advice can still be followed to some extent today. In an era when we have electric kettles to hand, nobody needs be too fussy about spirit lamps, but we should at least ensure that pots of fresh tea are made at regular intervals, and we never allow the tea to become stewed.
The best way to brew tea is to use loose leaves and put them directly into your teapot. Pour the boiling water into the pot and let the leaves steep for a few minutes. Then pour the tea through a strainer into the cup. Any addition of honey, milk, sugar, or lemon is entirely up to the tea drinker.
Sandwiches are savoury and are therefore eaten first, before the scones, and lastly the cakes. There are several recommended sandwich filling options for afternoon tea: thinly-sliced cucumber, smoked ham, finely sliced ham (mustard optional), egg mayonnaise, served with chopped chives. Crusts should be removed; sandwiches should be cut into small triangles and never over-stuffed. Overflowing filling, which squeezes out of a sandwich on first bite, is very hard to handle when you are trying to eat from a small side plate held on your lap.
Scones (fruit or plain) are served with clotted cream and preserves, which are presented in bowls with small serving spoons. Smaller cakes will look impressive arranged on a decorative cake stand and will be easier for guests to eat when perched on a chair, juggling a teacup and side plate. Pile the cake stand high with butterfly cakes, cupcakes, chocolate mini muffins and jam tarts.
Serve tea in china teacups, with saucers and teaspoons. Teacups did not always have handles. In the early days of English tea-drinking, which date to the mid-17th century, porcelain tea bowls, which did not have handles, were imported from China. It was not until the mid-18th century that a handle was added to prevent the ladies from burning their fingers. In Victorian days, tea drinkers poured their tea into saucers to cool before sipping, this was perfectly acceptable – this is referred to as a “dish of tea”.
European manufacturers could not initially reproduce the fine porcelain used in Chinese tea ware, and the method was a closely guarded secret. The formula was eventually discovered in Meissen in Germany in 1710, though fine porcelain was not manufactured in Britain until the mid-18th century. Smooth, nonporous cups such as glass, bone china, and porcelain will remain inert, which means they do not react to the tea or change the tea’s aroma. For this reason, they are considered the best material in which to serve fine tea. Fine china also encourages the consumer to sip delicately, rather than to gulp or slurp…
Tea is handed out one cup at a time after being poured, rather than pouring a few and handing them out in one go. The milk jug and sugar is passed around and each person adds their own. Use the teaspoon to stir the tea (without clinking) and then place it back in the saucer.
When you are served tea in a teacup and saucer at a low table, for example in a drawing room, you should pick up the teacup and saucer. At a dining table (or maybe a garden table), you leave the saucer on the table and raise the cup to your lips. Hold delicate teacups by pinching the handle between your forefinger and thumb – don’t extend your little finger!
Sandwiches are eaten with the fingers, never with a knife and fork. If you are served an elaborate cake, replete with layers of cream and gooey fruit filling, it is a good idea to use the cake fork provided, rather than struggling with your fingers. You can use your fingers for smaller bite-sized cakes.
When you are served scones, you should also not use your knife to cut them in half, horizontally. Instead, break the scone in half with your hand. Take a dollop of jam and cream, using the serving spoon, and put it on the side of the plate. Break off small bite-sized pieces with your fingers, spread with jam and cream and consume in one mouthful.
Which should go first? In Cornwall it is said to be traditional to spread the jam and then add the cream, whereas in Devon cream comes first and jam second is favoured. Either method is completely acceptable, and you should opt for an arrangement that causes the least mess when it comes to conveying the delicious morsel to your mouth.
Volumes have been written about the negative behaviour that abounds on social media, from trolling to cyberbullying. We have all come to accept that people can behave with startling disinhibition online, capable of acting in ways that would be inconceivable in real life. On big issues, internet rage has the power to focus global attention and bring about, for better or worse, societal change. But what about when the topic is the minutiae of everyday life?
For many of us, our local neighbourhood or school WhatsApp groups act as a kind of town square. We mill about in a communal space, exchanging gossip, information and opinions. So far, so constructive. But increasingly when someone steps out of line, they find themselves placed in the virtual stocks – pilloried, mocked, humiliated, publicly denounced. This harsh treatment is meted out for comparatively minor offences – an off-colour joke, ill-advised remarks online, a sub-par professional service – and can have devastating consequences.
It has been argued that we are all suffering from Online Disinhibition. Clearly, in the apparent anonymity of the virtual world we can abandon the normal social restrictions encountered in everyday interactions and one clear reason for this is that we experience feelings of disconnection online. We never experience reactions to our postings in real time, we are unable to judge just how much offence we’ve caused, and we are deprived of the usual social clues – facial expressions, eye contact and body language. Without these pointers, we post in a void, where empathy has no place. Our ability to post negative or cruel remarks anonymously online, where we can hide behind usernames, means that we have very little accountability.
Many internet-users now appear to be making a simple category error; they see their “online friends” as much closer than they really are. They are prepared to vent anger, discuss intimate details of their lives and air controversial topics with people who are, in reality, virtual strangers – revelations that would normally be reserved for an inner circle of friends or family. Of course, it should be acknowledged that this tendency is not inevitably negative; it can also have positive consequences, meaning that people behave in a more openly caring and compassionate way online.
The internet is undeniably an empowering tool. Individuals who choose to post opinions or comments, often negative, can do so entirely on their own initiative, without fear of interference. They do not test their opinions on other people, and do not need to subject themselves to some form of moderation before they hit the fatal “Send” button. When people feel in control and empowered, they may well also unleash bottled-up feelings of rage and aggression.
Finally, and depressingly, negative comments online have become a social norm. The barrage of hostility, rude remarks and incendiary comments that appear to greet even the most innocent online posts, are now accepted as an inevitable part of the social media experience. The more this happens, the more this message is reinforced and perpetrated. Disinhibited comments generate more ‘likes’ and the algorithms react accordingly, generating an ever more vicious circle.
If we feel unheard, overlooked or disregarded, enraged by an encounter with a stranger, or antagonised by a social or professional group, our natural tendency is to vent our rage. In the past, we would probably have sat down and penned an angry letter to the individuals or company involved, or maybe broadened the critique by writing to the newspaper, a local councillor or a MP. More minor infringements would probably have been processed by the simple contingency of talking to a close friend or partner and letting off steam.
Now we have much more immediate and direct way of venting our rage and frustration at our fingertips. We can rush to judgment, rant and rave, point accusatory fingers and broadcast baseless rumours without even moving from our chairs. This unfiltered outpouring of emotions, many of them negative, is clearly cathartic and addictive. But what are the consequences?
Before the days of social media, our complaints and angry outpourings happened in the real world. The targets of our ire and frustration were confronted by our accusations, whether in person or in writing, and were able to put together a considered response. Sometimes, they had rational explanations for their shortcomings, or were able to argue that we had got the wrong end of the stick or had misunderstood. On occasion, they might have been forced to hold up their hands and admit their mistake or inadequacy and maybe put forward a suggestion for restitution or improvement.
It might be argued that all these processes can also take place online, but they are never instantaneous, and negative comments can be disseminated widely and cause irreparable damage before the subject has the opportunity to respond.
We should never abandon the old-fashioned way of venting our anger directly, because it is a much more judicious, positive and fair-minded way of negotiating problems. It gives offenders a second chance, allowing them to explain or make restitution without bringing their world crashing down.
Communicating in person encourages us to listen, carefully, to another point of view and make an informed judgement. So much of social media communication is about haranguing, boasting and broadcasting, rather than attending, listening and empathising – it is obvious that positive outcomes are much more likely to emerge from a context where people are genuinely attempting to understand each other’s standpoint.
Increasingly, on local and neighbourhood groups we see reputations being trashed without a backward glance. A plea is put out for a recommended plumber, builder, garage etc, and a torrent of personal opinions, some of them positively libellous, are unleashed on the forum. This causes severe reputational damage and may lead to devastating business failures. Why would the offended individuals not contemplate the much more just option of taking their complaints directly to the company involved, assessing their response, and giving them a second chance?
•Think before you post
Remember that what you post may haunt you for years to come. It is worthwhile remembering that your nastier outpourings might also become a shameful part of your digital footprint. Do you really want to be that person?
•Focus on de-escalation
Many digital spats get out of hand extremely rapidly because people cannot resist the temptation to instantly respond and comment, often injudiciously, on other people’s posts. Try to think about other ways of responding: can you make a comment that deflects the unpleasantness, or can you even make a joke of it? Most radically of all, have you considered ignoring it? The world will not come crashing down if you do not comment, and frequently discretion is the better part of valour.
•Calm down
Online spats can undoubtedly be enraging, but beware; a personal attack can make you feel under threat, unleashing primitive responses. Try and school yourself to walk away from your screen, even if it is only for a few moments. Take deep, calming breaths, walk around your garden, make a cup of tea, or run an errand – all these activities will take some of the wind out of your sails and enable you to respond more rationally.
•Up your empathy
Take the moral high ground and try to imagine the way your online attacker is feeling. Recognise that they may be feeling angry, frustrated or unnoticed, and remind yourself that their aggression might be more to do with their own feelings of inadequacy than any real antipathy towards you.
•Contemplate the consequences
Before you send that fatal post, think carefully about the fallout. How much damage will your remark do? Is it likely to go viral? Will it permanently damage your target’s reputation? Will you jeopardise the future of their business, or their career? Will their family suffer as a consequence? A logical appraisal of the possible consequences may very well lead you to believe that you do not want to be responsible for that level of personal damage.
The perennial British fixation – the weather – is once again on the agenda as we experience an, undoubtedly short-lived, heatwave. We have all indulged in moaning about the torrential rain and leaden skies that seem to have characterised this summer, and we will no doubt also enjoy grumbling about the oppressive heat, sweltering nights and so on. That is the British way.
We long for hot weather, travel thousands of miles every summer in pursuit of it and complain bitterly of its absence. But once the mercury begins to rise, we very soon discover that heat can be frazzling, and tempers tend to fray. Now is the time to concentrate on excellent heatwave manners; we’ve come up with ten top tips.
1. Don’t rush
Walking fast, running for the bus, doing anything in a hurry is not a good idea when temperatures are high, as you’ll soon build up a sweat and feel uncomfortable. It is sensible to recognise that heat is energy-sapping and to deliberately build in extra time when you are travelling, meeting people or running errands. Accept the fact that your normally brisk walking pace might well have slowed down to a lazy saunter – by accommodating a slower-paced lifestyle during these few hot days you’ll feel much less stressed and bad-tempered. Just make sure you’re not late for appointments and text ahead if you feel you’re flagging.
2. Allow some space
If you’re travelling in hot weather, you will know how oppressive it feels to be caught up in a crush of hot and bothered bodies, so do your best to spread out and maximise personal space – don’t stand near the doors, move down the carriage or the bus to accommodate more people comfortably. If you’re lucky enough to have a seat, don’t sprawl or manspread; you’ll be invading your neighbour’s space and proximity always raises the temperature.
3. Don’t eat smelly food
Food odours on public transport are undesirable at any time, but on a hot or crowded bus or train the pungent smell of your hamburger and fries or the overwhelming fishiness of your tuna mayo sandwich will be truly nauseating. Higher temperatures appear to “draw out” the odours of food to an alarming degree, so wait until you get outside into the fresh air before you start eating.
4. Always ask to open windows
Most public transport is air-conditioned these days, but if you are reliant on opening windows on buses, or in your office, to moderate the temperature, it is always polite to ask your neighbours if they mind you doing so. You may be melting and feel that it is blindingly obvious that more ventilation is needed, but you shouldn’t make assumptions about other people, and you should recognise that you are in a shared space. A polite request is normally met with equally polite consent.
5. Dress for the context
Swimwear is great for the beach, or possibly the beachside promenade, but it isn’t appropriate for the centre of town. Most of us accept that in shops, restaurants and cafés, however hot the weather, we should wear everyday clothes – even if our outfits are unusually skimpy. Hot weather provides a great incentive to wear the bare minimum of clothing but think before you do so. There may be places where your short shorts and spaghetti straps are frowned upon so try to take other people’s expectations into account. If you go somewhere and are requested to cover up (for example putting on a shirt), accede with good grace and don’t pick a fight.
6. Workwear is still workwear, even in the heat
This depends on your working environment, but in many offices, there is still a dress code, even when it’s oppressively hot. Tailored shorts and loafers might be acceptable; short shorts and flip-flops are probably not. Your employers have an expectation that you will look smart and professional; they do not want you to come to work looking like you’re en route to the beach. Observe other people and how they dress and amend your wardrobe accordingly.
7. Go prepared
You’ll need to consume plenty of water in this weather, so carrying around a flask or bottle, which can be frequently replenished, is always a good idea. Keep a vigilant eye open for anyone who appears to be struggling in the heat, and always be ready to offer water to anyone who’s flushed, sweating heavily, feeling dizzy or breathing heavily. It is always a good idea to carry a clean cotton handkerchief, which you can use for mopping your brow or drying sticky hands.
8. Stay calm
Tempers can get frayed when we’re hot and bothered and you may find yourself embroiled in some prickly interactions. Trains are packed with excited babies and children enjoying summer expeditions and noise levels rise accordingly. If you live somewhere that is attractive to visitors, you may find your usual haunts are suddenly colonised by strangers and you are unable to get a table in your favourite café or board your usual bus. Do your utmost to take these inconveniences in your stride: wear headphones on public transport to block out the noise; remind yourself that visitors to your hometown are providing a much-needed boost to the economy; accept that these few summery days are an exceptional break from routine and that normal life is bound to be disrupted.
9. Talk the Talk
Be prepared to engage in endless encounters where the weather is the main topic of conversation. You might find the remarks that are proffered are boring, blindingly obvious, or needlessly negative, but you must listen politely and, if possible, make your own observations on this riveting topic. It’s a social obligation.
10. Stay sober
Hot weather inevitably means great thirst. While slaking that thirst with water is the sensible option, many of us turn to the delights of summer cocktails in ice-filled glasses, perfectly chilled glasses of white wine, or copious quantities of thirst-quenching beer. These choices seem overwhelmingly attractive when we sit down in a shady spot after a hot day in the city and a sticky commute. Summer drinking is highly convivial, and the warm evenings may even tempt us to interact more openly with our neighbours. But beware: it is very easy to drink far more than usual, with dire consequences, including rows, rowdiness, and hangovers. Remind yourself that alcohol should not be used to quench your thirst, and alternate alcoholic drinks with copious quantities of ice-cold water.
It is always a good idea to invest in good wedding photography, and to find a professional who is capable of creating images that stand the test of time. Some couples choose an engagement shoot as a pre-wedding trial – if the photographs pass muster, then they can feel confident that the big day is covered.
The photographer should be briefed fully on the structure of the day (a written running order, with estimated timings is indispensable). If there are any special requests, these should be conveyed well ahead of time. Contemporary wedding photography usually comprises a mix of both formal portraits and reportage-style. It is essential to compile a list of the required formal photographs, which will ensure there are no embarrassing omissions. If there are complex family dynamics involved (eg divorced parents, grumpy stepchildren), the positioning must be worked out in advance and the photographer fully briefed – nobody wants their wedding photographs to be marred by scowls and poisonous looks on the faces of estranged parents or warring relations.
If you are having a church wedding, check the rules about photography inside the church well in advance and respect them. It helps if the best man and ushers take on the responsibility of liaising with, and assisting, the photographer.
A wedding video captures the essence of the day, along with many moments that the bride and groom would otherwise miss. Above all, it is important to ensure that filming is not intrusive and never dominates the real proceedings.
So far, so straightforward. But the difficulties begin to accumulate when the bride and groom become obsessed with stage managing the event and aspire to cinematic (or at the very least, Instagrammable) perfection.
This might involve them in scouting for an array of screen-worthy locations and setting up complex shots in inaccessible beauty spots, all set off by dazzling sunsets or golden sunshine. They may require drone shots, multiple angles and hordes of obliging “extras” (otherwise known as wedding guests). Their quest for cinematic perfection may well extend to stage managing their entire guest list, leading them to send out prescriptive (and sometimes quite offensive) directives about the desired colour palette and clothing style required of their guests, and even excluding guests who they consider fall short of the aesthetic mark.
Many couples require photographers to be on duty for the entirety of the wedding day. Traditionally, photographers captured the arrival of the bride and groom at the church or ceremony venue, took photographs of the ceremony (if allowed), and spent an hour or so afterwards taking formal wedding shots. Increasingly, they are required to be up with the lark, recording the bridal preparations, the journey to the venue, the ceremony and its aftermath, and the entirety of the reception. Such are the demands made on them that they often need assistants in attendance and vanloads of equipment. In short, the wedding begins to look more like a movie shoot than a ceremony and a celebration.
Inevitably, this tendency can lead to conflict. Some members of the clergy, made to feel like mere stage props, object to the commodification of a religious ceremony and respond by introducing draconian restrictions on photography. It is vital that photographers are sensitive about their impact, perhaps using silent shutter modes and zoom lenses to ensure that they are not being too obtrusive as they go about their business; this is something that the couple will need to discuss beforehand.
Wedding guests may also find themselves irritated and frustrated by over-intrusive photographers. They may very well resent being elbowed out of the way by a photographer in pursuit of a photo or find themselves unable to see significant moments in the proceedings because their vision is blocked by the hulking figure of a photographer and a vast amount of equipment. Couples will need to think about the impact that photography will have on the guests and balance their desire for an unforgettable record of their big day against their obligations, as co-hosts, to ensure that their guests have a wonderful time and feel able to share in their joy.
The ever-higher standards that are being applied to wedding photography are undeniably associated with social media. Many photographers agree that couples who have been poring over celebrity social media accounts come away with unrealistically high expectations. They may be seduced by professional wedding shoots, where the photographer has the capacity to use models and spend hours setting up shots and reshooting to get the most glamorous and impeccable images. But real life is not like that: a bride will only walk down the aisle once; a groom will only catch his first glimpse of her in a split second and so on. Couples should manage their expectations and acknowledge that real life can throw up accidents, mishaps and glitches as well as invaluable moments of spontaneous recognition and communication.
Most of us now take sophisticated smartphones, with built-in cameras, wherever we go. We’ve got into the habit of photographing absolutely everything, from the most mundane details of everyday life to holidays and special occasions, and weddings are no exception. So, it’s no surprise that wedding guests are now turning into dedicated photographers, creating their own chronicle of every minute of the day, brandishing their smartphones throughout the ceremony and the speeches in a relentless pursuit of an original image.
Of course, this tsunami of amateur photography can lead to some real gems – the bridal couple caught unawares during a quiet moment, looks exchanged between proud parents, child bridesmaids caught pulling silly faces. But, as always, photography can be intrusive and there is always the suspicion that guests are more focused on their photographic record than on the actual drama being enacted for their benefit.
Some couples have taken the situation in hand and request beforehand (in the general package of wedding instructions) that no photography takes place during the ceremony, which will be documented by an official photographer. If this request is made politely, it is unlikely that guests will object. Alternatively, you can just rely on the assumption that your guests are fully sentient and civilised beings who know when they’re getting in the way or spoiling a precious moment and have the good sense to put away their phones and enjoy a very special experience.
