Digital devices are indispensable and many of us are transfixed by our digital world. We become absorbed by our screens, occupying a private digital bubble and scarcely noticing the people that are sitting around us or intruding into our physical space.
Good manners are rooted in an observant awareness of other people and the ways in which our behaviour is impacting on them, so this tendency to withdraw attention is beginning to have a negative impact on our behaviour. This is particularly apparent on public transport, where we inevitably find ourselves in proximity with strangers. We talk loudly on our phones in quiet carriages, disturbing the people around us, and are becoming increasingly casual about using adequate headphones to absorb the noise that emanates from our devices. Staring at our screens, we do not look at our surroundings, and frequently fail to notice that a fellow passenger needs a seat or assistance.
Equipped with phones, laptops, headphones, we have entered a digital space, where the clear demarcations between the public and private spheres have become increasingly obscure. Our behaviour becomes dangerous when we are using our devices in public for activities that are essentially private or confidential – working, banking, purchasing online, or conducting personal interactions on social media, for example dating. Lost in our own worlds, we are not sufficiently conscious of the ways in which vitally important security can be breached. How do we protect ourselves?
Screens are clearly visible, especially when working on laptops. So, before you settle down to work on a confidential document on public transport, take the simple precaution of finding an isolated seat, if possible. If not, be sure to angle your screen away from nosy neighbours, turn down the brightness settings to make it less legible, or use a privacy screen protector.
On tubes and crowded trains, you may be surrounded by strap-hangers, who could easily have a clear bird’s eye view of your screen. Look up occasionally and if you’re at risk of being overlooked, adjust your screen.
If you’re travelling at night and sitting next to a window, remember that your screen will be clearly reflected in the window and visible to the person sitting behind. Think about turning down the brightness.
Some people make themselves so comfortable, spreading out their papers and setting up their laptops, that they forget they are occupying a shared space. If they need to leave the seat for any reason, they may even neglect to close the laptop and put their papers away. Apart from the fact that you might be invading your neighbour’s space, it’s important to safeguard your belongings, ideally taking them with you. If you can’t do that, audibly ask a near neighbour to keep an eye on your possessions, which will alert other passengers.
Eagle eyes are not just trained on your screen; people might also be looking at other clues that give away your identity or personal information. Workplace ID cards, worn around the neck or casually placed on the tabletop, will give an interested observer all sorts of vital information about individuals and the companies they work for – this could be a vital tool in industrial espionage, extortion or even blackmail.
Everyone who travels these days is used to hearing a hubbub of other people’s phone calls. Even if you are really not interested, it is sometimes annoyingly difficult to tune out of these conversations and often the indiscretion and intimacy of the revelations is quite startling. Yet the perpetrators, lost in their own digital world, never seem to notice that they are loudly broadcasting their secrets to all and sundry.
For the sake of your fellow travellers’ sanity and for your own security, it is vital to remember that when you are on public transport you are moving in a public sphere, and other people are observing and listening to you. It is extremely irresponsible to discuss confidential or private matters on public transport, because an acute eavesdropper will be able to construe a great deal from overheard conversations and some of that information (management buyouts, mergers, imminent redundancies, share flotations) might well be marketable.
Even if you are not leaking industrial secrets, bear in mind that you might be giving away important information about yourself. A seemingly innocuous call, perhaps to make an appointment or an online purchase, could involve a series of revelations about yourself – your name, address, date of birth, or even – God forbid – your credit card number. A cybercriminal could pick up enough information to embark on fraud or identity theft, so it really isn’t worth the risk.
Headphones are a vital tool when it comes to fending off surveillance on public transport. Apart from the fact that your fellow passengers will be grateful if you make any effort to reduce annoying noise pollution, headphones will mean that people sitting next to you are not able to hear a two-sided conversation – we’ve all experienced how audible mobile phone conversations can be, especially when sitting in proximity to the caller. Always using headphones or earbuds will ensure that avid listeners are not able to piece together entire conversations and will have the added advantage of reducing the amount of noise pollution that you are generating.
Because of all the risks of being overheard, not to mention the irritation you are causing to other passengers, it is aways preferable to text, rather than talk, when communicating in a public space, as long as you are careful about ensuring that your phone screen is not visible. Texting incoming callers or impatient colleagues to explain that you are on a train or bus and therefore cannot talk but will call them back as soon as you disembark, displays both common sense and discretion, and nobody should hold it against you.
Our digital devices have opened up new horizons, but they have also trapped us in a 24/7 world, where we are switched on at all times of the day and night, and ready to respond to a constant flow of communication. We need to consider our own round-the-clock accessibility and accept that very few people are actually indispensable. Being inundated by texts, emails and messages might make you feel like a vital cog in the machine, but the reality is that your total availability is distorting your perception of the division between work and leisure time and blurring all-important boundaries.
Try to accept that, in most instances, allowing a call to go to voicemail or an email to remain unanswered for a couple of hours, is hardly going to bring your workplace to a crashing halt, or trash your professional reputation. Carving out a bit of time for yourself on your daily journey will bring benefits because it will allow you to decompress and unwind. You can, of course, choose to monitor your incoming communications but try to accept that your only obligation is to deal promptly with genuine emergencies. Just make sure you do so discreetly.
Download Debrett's Guide to Digital Discretion
Electric vehicles are becoming an increasingly common sight on UK roads, and it is imperative that behaviour and etiquette are modified to accommodate this new phenomenon. Drivers are uncertain about how to behave, so it is useful to provide clear guidance on charging protocols, as well as some recommendations about good etiquette that will contribute to a civilised and agreeable charging experience.
When looking for a place to charge your electric car, you will often find that there are plenty of vacant bays available to use. However, at busier times and charging stations, forming an orderly queue will be a fundamental requirement when charging your electric vehicle. That means being observant about the layout of the charging station and remembering that each facility is different and will have its own rules. If in doubt about queuing protocol, politely ask a fellow motorist “excuse me, is this the end of the queue?”. Make sure that you park neatly in the designated bays and that your vehicle fits snugly into the marker lines.
When you must wait to charge your vehicle, pass the time of day with some friendly small talk. Exchange greetings and politely ask fellow motorists how long they think they’ll be. EV queue small talk (eg chatting about the weather, exchanging notes on your vehicles, availability of charging points etc.) might make the whole experience more pleasant. If you establish a relationship with fellow motorists, they’re much more likely to be accommodating when it comes to negotiating charging time.
At the charge point, try and wait patiently and don’t pace around looking at your watch and transmitting waves of passive aggression towards the motorist who is charging their vehicle. Under no circumstances should you jump the queue; however, you can discreetly check the charging point to see how long a car still has left to fully charge and you may be able to politely negotiate with another driver using the bay.
If you notice that a motorist is occupying a charger and their vehicle is almost fully charged, you could politely open negotiations by asking if they’d be willing to make way for other motorists. Say something like “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but I notice you’re nearly fully charged. Would it be okay if I started to plug-in soon?” If they agree to move on, heartfelt thanks are in order – no muttering “about time too!”.
If you arrive at a charge point and you need a full charge, check out the other motorists. Ask them how much time they need, and if you can accommodate them let people who only need a short charge go ahead of you. It’s the same principle as supermarket shopping: if you arrive in the queue with an overladen trolley, and someone is behind you carrying a basket with a handful of items, it is considerate to let them go first if possible.
If you’re a Plug-in Hybrid driver, it is only polite to be aware that fully electric vehicle drivers are more dependent on charging stations than you are. You are, of course, fully entitled to use the charging station, but try to do so with extra attentiveness and, if you possibly can, let EV-drivers use the charger first.
Remember, EV cars will charge much faster up to 80% and you will be able to clear the charging point for other motorists and complete your journey without hitting full charge. Public rapid chargers will allow you to achieve 80% capacity very quickly, in as little as 30 minutes for some vehicles.
It is very important to note how long it will take you to reach your desired charge level and ensure that you are back at your vehicle as, or shortly after, charging is complete, so you are not inconveniencing fellow motorists when using public charge points. This might mean returning to your car to move it away from the charging bay earlier than planned. Considerate EV motorists will do their utmost to ensure that they are not monopolising public charging points with fully charged vehicles.
It is helpful to keep other motorists informed by putting a timing card, or handwritten note, in your windshield when you are away from your charging vehicle. That way, you will be able to notify other drivers how long you will be occupying the timing bay; ensure that you return to the vehicle at the time you specified.
Approximately one-third of UK homes do not have access to adjacent off-street parking, and this means that EV owners will need to be considerate and strategic about on-street charging.
The best option is to find an alternative method of charging the vehicle which does not pose a risk to the public. Some local areas have public charging facilities more readily available than others, and you might find charging ports built into streetlamps or bollards near you.
Alternatively, you might be more reliant on finding your own means of charging, such as running a cable from your house to your car over the pavement. It is important to check your local council rules and regulations if you are following this method; whilst it is not illegal, the rules vary depending on where you live. Ensuring cables aren’t a trip hazard is essential, so only do this when you are able to cover or hide the cable so it is less of a risk to pedestrians, such as encasing it in raised plastic or running cables through in-ground channels, which some streets may have available. If required, you can get a channel installed specifically outside your home, so it is a good idea to explore your options.
If you’re visiting a friend or relative, or maybe staying overnight at their house, and desperate to charge your EV, don’t assume that you can just march in brandishing your cable and demanding to know the whereabouts of the nearest power socket. Ask your host politely if they would mind you using their socket to charge your vehicle and meticulously follow their requests and instructions about where to park (you wouldn’t want to antagonise their neighbours). You will need to find an arrangement that works for your host, and if you sense any reluctance, don’t push your demands, simply seek an alternative method.
Remember, charging tariffs change depending on the time of day; electricity is often cheapest at night, when demand is lowest, so if you’re an overnight guest defer charging your car until the evening. Alternatively, your host might also be more familiar with local charging facilities, such as streetlamp charge ports nearby. Explore these options before your visit so that you always have alternatives.
Whisky has its place in every well-stocked drinks cabinet and is an excellent drink to offer as both an aperitif and a digestif. It is a drink that attracts connoisseurs and specialists, and premium single malt whiskies can be eye-wateringly expensive. If this is unchartered territory for you, here is some basic whisky lore:
The spelling is simply a way of denoting the source country. Use this simple mnemonic: if the source country has an ‘e’ in the name (Ireland, America), use whiskey, if there’s no ‘e’, (Scotland, Canada, Japan), use whisky.
Single malt whisky is distilled from a fermented mash made entirely from barley from a single distillery. No other grains are used. Single malt whiskies must be aged for a minimum of three years in oak casks, though they are usually aged for much long longer (10–15 years). Irish whiskey is also made following the same principles.
Blended whisky is made from a blend of single malt and grain whiskies from multiple distilleries. Grain whiskies can be produced from any type of cereal grain, usually corn or wheat, with the addition of malted barley to aid fermentation. Skilled producers can create blended whiskies that have a sophisticated flavour profile that can rival single malts. Most Scotch whisky sold worldwide is blended.
The peaty flavour of Scotch whiskies is the subject of much discussion amongst aficionados. Peated whisky is famously a product of the island of Islay (though some other distilleries produce it as well). It is produced by drying the malted barley using peat fires, which suffuse the whisky with a smoky flavour. This flavour can be controlled by the length of exposure to the peat smoke.
Bourbon is an American whisky that is primarily distilled from corn, which tastes sweeter than barley.
Rye whisky used to be the most common American choice, but most rye distilleries were wiped out during the Prohibition era, but is now experiencing something of a comeback. Less sweet than Bourbon, it is a particular favourite for whiskey-based cocktails.
The most popular choice for serving whisky is a whisky tumbler, a straight glass with thick walls and a heavy base. Some whisky connoisseurs favour the tulip-shaped glass; it has stem which keeps the drinker’s hand away from the bowl, and the tapered shape of the bowl concentrates the rich aromas around the narrowed rim. Following similar principles, a brandy bowl or cognac glass can also be used for savouring the unique taste of whisky.
Whisky should be drunk however you like it best; it is no longer frowned upon to add water or ice to a single malt, though a single substantial ice cube is better than crushed ice as the dilution when it melts is reduced. Blended whisky can be mixed with soft drinks such as lemonade or ginger ale or may serve as the basis for whisky cocktails.
Manhattan
Thought to have been created in the 1880s, possibly in New York City’s Manhattan club, this can be made with either Bourbon or rye:
60ml rye whiskey
30ml sweet vermouth
2 dashes Angostura bitters
Lemon twist
Add the rye whiskey, sweet vermouth, and bitters into a mixing glass with ice and stir until well-chilled. Strain into a coupe glass and garnish with the lemon twist.
Old Fashioned
Bourbon is the go-to choice for this cocktail, as it sweetness helps counterbalance the more astringent bitters:
60ml bourbon
3 dashes Angostura bitters
1 teaspoon water
1 teaspoon sugar
Orange twist
Add the sugar and bitters into a mixing glass, then add the water, and stir until the sugar is nearly dissolved. Fill the mixing glass with ice, add the bourbon, and stir until well-chilled. Strain into a whisky tumbler over one large ice cube. Squeeze the oil of an orange twist over the glass, then drop into the glass to garnish.
Whisky enthusiasts take their favourite drink seriously and are prepared to pay for quality. It is a great compliment to be invited to partake in a glass of fine single blended malt whisky and, in some circumstances (celebrating your promotion with your boss, meeting your in-laws etc), a refusal might offend.
However, whisky is an acquired taste and not for everyone, so how do you drink whisky without causing offence?
•Take appreciative sips, and never gulp. Whisky should never be downed shot-style, and if you do so it may burn your palate; it is made to be savoured.
•If you find the taste difficult, make a conscious effort not to grimace, pucker your lips, sputter or shudder. If challenged, you can always fall back on saying the taste is “interesting”. You might even be able to muster an intelligent comment, such as “it’s tastes really smoky”.
•Get to the bottom of whisky’s appeal by nosing it like a professional. That means, before taking the first sip, placing your nose an inch or two from the tumbler, breathing out and then inhaling sharply a couple of times. If you notice a burning sensation, lower the glass slightly. Take a few seconds to appreciate the aromas; this will also give your taste buds time to adjust to the strong flavours before you take your first sip.
The beginning of the school year is upon us, and for many parents and children alike the new term is a time of optimism, fresh beginnings and exciting opportunities. But some parents and children will be contemplating the prospect of a new school year with dread.
Recent reports suggest that the problem of post-lockdown bad behaviour is still causing problems in our schools, with the cohort of children who were badly affected at the time of the pandemic continuing to experience difficulties as they progress through the school system.
The most recent figures from the Department of Education, for 2022–23, show that the proportion of year 7 pupils who received at least one suspension rose from 3.5% in the year before the pandemic to 5.5% in 2022–23, while the rate of year 8 pupils suspended rose from 5.5% to more than 8%.
In years 9 and year 10 had close to one in ten of pupils receiving at least one suspension in 2022–23, which is well above pre-pandemic levels.
Schools have been struggling to deal with a range of anti-social behaviour and many teachers have found the deterioration of classroom conduct extremely challenging. There are reports of regular outbreaks of swearing, shouting, pushing, shoving, fighting, bullying and intimidating behaviour, even chair throwing and destruction of school property. It seems that some children have suffered badly from the lack of social contact during a formative period in their development. They are completely unable to regulate or control their own anger or frustration and, when this is coupled with a total lack of respect for authority figures, the results can be extremely distressing.
Many children’s bad behaviour is compounded by mobile phone usage, in particular access to social media. This digital substitute for real-life relationships sky-rocketed during the pandemic, and many children are now addicted to their phones. The endless bombardment of data, and the compulsion to stay on top of it, has fostered a high-octane, high-speed superficial style of consuming information, which has radically diminished children’s powers of concentration and focus, rendering them restless, bored and unengaged.
In ‘Behaviour in Schools’, published by the UK Government in 2024, schools are advised to focus on creating a ‘culture’ of respect and good behaviour, arguing that they should ensure “pupils can learn in a calm, safe and supportive environment”. To further this aim “Social norms and routines…should be encouraged throughout the school community”.
As well as encouraging “good behaviour and respect for others”, staff should “secure an acceptable standard of behaviour of pupils”, “promote, among pupils, self-discipline and proper regard for authority” and “prevent all forms of bullying (including cyberbullying, prejudice-based and discriminatory bullying)”. In addition to this demanding programme, staff should “uphold the whole-school approach to behaviour by teaching and modelling expected behaviour and positive relationships, as defined by the school behaviour policy, so that pupils can see examples of good habits and are confident to ask for help when needed”.
This is unarguably good and clear advice, but it places a huge amount of responsibility on the shoulders of teachers, who are already feeling beleaguered by the demands of educating their pupils and maintaining order in their classrooms. All these approaches need to be endorsed and supported by parents who “should be encouraged to reinforce the policy at home where appropriate”.
But parents can do so much more to help their children. It is the parents’ job to inculcate good manners and behaviour into their children at home and to send them out into the world, well-equipped to deal with challenges and opportunities and able to form positive relationships with both their contemporaries and with authority figures. Here’s how parents can help:
1. Teach good manners
It’s never too early to teach you child basic ps and qs – this is inevitably a child’s first introduction to manners and parents are haunted by the repetition of “say please/thank you!” for the first five, ten or fifteen years of their child’s existence. In this case the tedium of repetition is surely justified – a child who doesn’t mind their ps and qs, the most basic of good manners, is being given a poor start in life.
2. Reduce device dependency
It’s up to you how draconian you want to be: you could institute a device-free evening or ban phones or digital devices in the bedroom. It is certainly recommended that you ban phones at mealtimes. Don’t just come in with heavy-handed prohibitions: discuss what you don’t like about device dependency and talk about your own struggles to control your usage.
3. Encourage your children to play
This seems blindingly obvious, but if children have become too dependent on phones, laptops or tablets they may have lost the habit of imaginative play – role playing scenarios with other children are a brilliant way of stretching the imagination, and traditional games like Hide and Seek and Sardines never seem to lose their appeal. If you have older children, suggest playing board games or card games, rather than just allowing them to peg out in front of video games. All these activities involve social interaction, teamwork, competitiveness, losing, winning, cooperating – they are an excellent grounding in relating to other people.
4. Encourage your children to read
Suggest children read books, newspapers, magazines on paper, not on their devices (where high-speed scrolling is almost inevitable). Take turns alternately reading to your children and asking them to read aloud to you. Participate in story hour at the local library. Reading will open new horizons, stimulate your child, developing their language skills, sense of empathy and knowledge of the world.
5. Eat together
Try and have proper mealtimes as regularly as possible. While some families will find these routines are interrupted by shiftwork or working during anti-social hours, make eating together a priority whenever you can. Allowing children to help themselves from the fridge and graze in their rooms is undesirable for so many reasons: it means you are not monitoring their food intake, and they are liable to be choosing unhealthy options; they are not participating in conversation at the dining table and learning how to communicate with adults; if you don’t eat with them you are not able to monitor their eating habits and table manners – left unchecked these might deteriorate to the point of social embarrassment.
6. Help to organise their social life
It goes without saying that children need to socialise with each other outside school hours and, especially when they are very young, it is down to you to ensure that they have plenty of exposure to other children, and that means playdates. You will need to befriend other parents at the school gates, liaise with them, and be proactive about your child’s social life. When your children are teenagers, your responsibility shifts to facilitating their social lives – this means having an open house, welcoming adolescent visitors, and being as tolerant and accommodating as possible. It is also likely to mean that you operate as a taxi service, so be prepared to offer lifts and shuttle your child and their friends from place to place – it’s all for a good cause, consolidating your child’s social skills.
7. Go out into the world
Don’t stay cooped up in your home – take your children out and about as much as you can, even if it on the most mundane of errands. That means taking them on buses and trains to shops or supermarkets, cafés, the library, the leisure centre. Wherever you go, you are likely to engage in social encounters with bus conductors, ticket inspectors, cashiers, waiters and so on, and it is good for children to get used to these mini-interactions – they will be able to respond politely to small talk without descending into agonies of mute embarrassment, which is a great way of building their social skills.
8. Encourage Physical Exercise
If your child is sporty and enjoys team games, this is to be encouraged as it is an excellent way of building social relationships. If not, it is still a good idea to encourage outside play, and to join your child in physical activities, such as swimming, cycling, walking, tennis, 10-pin bowling, roller-skating – playing, or exercising together, is a great way to bond with your child. And physical exercise is an effective way for your child to let off steam, and vent emotions such as boredom and frustration, rather than bottling them up.
9. Have conversations
Talk to your child as much as possible, whenever and wherever you can. That means asking open-ended questions, such as “What did you do today?” (rather than “How was school?”, which can be answered with a monosyllable). Ask their opinions on everything, from foods and clothes to cartoon characters, tv programmes, movies, and books. If they ask you questions, do your very best to answer (even if the repeated “Why?” interrogative is driving you crazy). Give a running commentary on why you are doing certain things or behaving in certain ways – they are much less likely to be grumpy about visiting their grandmother, for example, if you explain that you are worried that she is feeling sad and lonely. They will learn about the world, and how to behave, through communication.
10. Lead by Example
It’s no good reproaching your child for being glued to their phone, or being uncommunicative, moody or distracted, if you are displaying precisely these behaviours. Likewise, if you’re on a short fuse and liable to fly off the handle and rant and rave, then it is very difficult to reproach your children for uncontrolled temper tantrums. Your children are learning from you every day, so it is vitally important that you do your best to model the type of behaviour you want them to display. Their teachers will be eternally grateful.
Traditionally in Britain we have been reluctant to talk about money matters. It was considered rude to enquire about other people’s salaries, or the price of their house or car. These days, explicit conversations about money are much more common – sometimes to the point of gloating and boasting about bargains, profits and so on.
But money is so much more than just a figure on a bank statement, and it can distort relationships, whether social of familial, like nothing else. As with all awkward topics, talking openly about potential problems rather than concealing difficulties or being dishonest about them, will help to iron out some of the complications.
Money tends not to be an issue when your friends and families are all comparably wealthy and there are no startling discrepancies between you. But when you find yourself in the company of people who are many times wealthier than you, or vice versa, the trouble begins.
Many of us will have experienced the discomfort of being invited to join wealthier friends at an eye-wateringly expensive restaurant or hotel, and the dread of the moment when the bill arrives. It is quite possible that one of our wealthier friends will step in and pick up the tab, but we’re not certain of this eventuality so we spend the whole dinner in an agony of discomfort, watching as countless expensive bottles of wine are ordered and imagining the bill racking up.
The undoubted discomfort of this situation is entirely down to a lack of communication – from both parties. If you are lucky enough to be the wealthy instigator of the social arrangement – whether it is a meal out, a villa holiday, a weekend in a hotel – you will need to think seriously about your potential companions. Think about their financial circumstances and if you’re not sure about their income, consider other factors, such as their house, lifestyle, the kind of holidays they choose, where they send their kids to school.
If you acknowledge that there is a noticeable wealth discrepancy, you must act. You may decide that the whole event is going to be your treat, in which case you must tell your friends beforehand in order to allay any anxieties – if you’ve got plenty of money you need to imagine how painful it is to sit through a social event, fretting about your ability to pay your share.
While you will need to be explicit about picking up the bill, you do not need to hammer the point home with loaded statements of the “I know things are a bit tight for you at the moment, and it is a rather expensive restaurant, so I’m quite happy to pay” variety. You will humiliate your friend with your laboured largesse, and resentment will inevitably fester. Instead, try to make very little of your offer, saying something like, “and by the way, tomorrow evening is my treat” and leave it at that.
If you are not prepared to pick up the entire bill, that is your prerogative, but you must forewarn your friends, so they know what they are getting into. When you invite them, say something like “We’re all thinking of going out tomorrow to xxxxxxx. We’ll just split the bill – it will make things easier. Let us know if you’re able to come.” Your friends will be left in no doubt about the financial arrangements, but you are also giving them a chance to look up the restaurant or venue, assess whether they can afford it, and make their excuses if they decide they cannot. At no point are you making any direct reference to their financial status; they can, of course, reference it if they wish to do so.
Finally, don’t let your greater wealth define you. Remember, not all pleasures come with a high price tag and accept that sometimes your less well-off friends would appreciate you crossing over to their territory. You might well find that a more modest expenditure on carefully chosen activities reaps surprising rewards, with the added benefit that your friends can meet you on their own terms.
At the other end of the spectrum, you may be the person with the wealthy friends who is constantly beset by anxiety about paying for yourself when you’re invited out. As always, it is best to be honest about your dilemma, but to have no expectation that other people will step in and pick up the tab. If someone suggests a very expensive venue, say something like “That sounds lovely, but I’m afraid I’m on a budget at the moment, so I’ll have to pass.” Your friends may volunteer to help out, but if they choose not to you can withdraw with dignity. Alternatively, they might say something like “how about we pay for the wine?” which might make the whole arrangement more palatable.
You may find that your wealthier friends are endlessly generous, always picking up bills, inviting you to join them in expensive holiday destinations, taking you out to the theatre, and so on. This is undoubtedly delightful but can end up making you feel uncomfortable and beholden. Every time they make a generous gesture, you squirm with embarrassment, protest, and say meaningless things like “Are you sure?”. This can become a repetitive, and meaningless, social dance.
Of course, you should never take generosity for granted and you should always offer copious thanks for hospitality, but you should also think about other ways in which you can pay back your friends. While you might not be able to afford a Michelin starred restaurant, or bottles of vintage champagne, you might be able to offer a stylish reciprocal gesture – a lavish picnic at a beautiful riverside location, a country walk and a visit to a charming country pub with its own micro-brewery, and so on. Remember, lavish displays of wealth are not a prerequisite for all pleasurable experiences, and your friends will certainly appreciate your desire to treat them for a change.
Ultimately, it never does any harm to have an honest conversation about this dilemma. You can explain to your wealthy friend that you are endlessly appreciative of their generosity/invitations, but you do find it rather problematic because you really cannot afford a lot of their suggestions, and it feels uncomfortable to always be in the position of the “taker”. This may not have occurred to them, and it is possible that they may take note of your comments and allow you to redress the balance, by suggesting more modest treats and venues from time to time.
“Girls are never taught to curtsy now, as they used to be. A real old-fashioned “courtesy”, as it used to be spelled, is quite an elaborate performance. First you draw back the right foot, getting it straight behind the other, and down you go, as far as the suppleness of your limbs will permit, coming up to the “recover” with all the weight on the right foot, and the left pointed out most daintily…The only trace of this old-fashioned and very graceful bit of deportment is the deep reverence made by the ladies at Her Majesty’s Drawing -Rooms. Some of them perform it with practiced aplomb. Others never achieve it. There is a very pretty young princess who plumps down with a suddenness that always makes the Royal circle smile.”
Manners for Women, 1897, by Mrs Humphry
The old-fashioned curtsy, a word that derives from “courtesy”, dates to the Middle Ages and the association of the curtsy with young ladies, rather than gentlemen, can be traced back to the 17th century. The curtsy was a traditional gesture of respect to someone of higher rank or social status and, as such, it became a gesture of compliance and deference. Curtsies feature frequently in the novels of Jane Austen, where they become elegant, and silent, gestures of mockery, submission or acquiescence, depending on the context: towards the end of Pride and Prejudice, faced by Mr Darcy, “Elizabeth merely curtsied to him, without saying a word”.
Curtsies were the commonly accepted greeting on meeting a member of the Royal Family and even within the Royal Family itself, there was an elaborate system of curtsies, which marked rank and precedence, which persists to this day.
The quote above from Mrs Humphry’s indispensable guide to etiquette indicates that, over the course of the Victorian era, the curtsy had begun to fall out of fashion. Ladies had found themselves increasingly encumbered by hooped skirts and bustles, which made the gesture undetectable, unless it was an exaggerated movement downwards (known as a “court curtsy”), which understandably was hard to perform elegantly as it also involved holding up the skirts to ensure that there was no tripping or hem-treading.
The bow and handshake had become increasingly common and, as the 19th century progressed, the feeling seemed to be that pausing to make frequent curtsies on entering a room was cumbersome and slowed down ease of movement. A slight bow of the head as the lady moved past (the “walking bow”) was seen as much more practical. Curtsies were seen as the proper salutation to a partner before a lady commenced to dance and were increasingly consigned to the ballroom and court presentations.
There are no compulsory codes of behaviour on meeting the Royal Family and it is entirely up to the individual whether they choose to curtsy or merely bow their head, which is usually followed by a handshake. Foreign dignitaries, such as world leaders, are not required to curtsy, even though some choose to do so.
To perform a modern curtsy, transfer the weight to one foot (usually the left), while the ball of your other foot is placed behind the leading foot. Bend at the knees, keeping the back straight, holding your hands by your side and bowing your head. It is best to dispense with glasses and handbags before attempting to curtsy.
Curtsies undoubtedly look more elegant when they are performed in a long dress, which conceals the somewhat gawky position of the legs during the process of descent and ascent, merely revealing neatly turned-out feet. The safest bet, if called upon to curtsy, is not to descend too far, satisfying yourself with an elegant bobbing motion. Ladies who choose a more ambitious, balletic movement may find their ascent back to the standing position is onerous and of course there is always a danger of losing balance and staggering. While it might be postulated that the depth of the curtsy is commensurate with the level of respect on display, appearing to be ungainly or histrionically submissive is not a good look.
As the last bank holiday weekend before the Christmas bonanza approaches, many of us view the prospect with some weariness. While more optimistic souls (and exhausted parents) see the August bank holiday as the last hurrah before the new term and new start of autumn, other people see it as a sign that summer will soon be over, the nights will soon close in, and winter is not far away.
Bank holidays carry a weight of expectation; there is a feeling that we will all make the most of this bonus long weekend, enjoy fabulous outings, participate in convivial gatherings with friends and family. The reality is that the weather is often disappointing, traffic jams are overwhelming and public transport is horribly overcrowded. As with all public holidays, there may be a presumption that everyone else is having a wonderful time and feelings of disappointment and disgruntlement about the mundanity of one’s own experience. It is scarcely surprising that many people who live on their own find public holidays particularly irksome, as these feelings can all too easily become magnified.
There are ways of counteracting these feelings and ensuring that the people you care about do not succumb to bank holiday blues:
1. Pace yourself
It’s just a long weekend, so don’t go mad and pack it with over-ambitious activities. Make sure you have plenty of down time to prepare for the following week.
2. Drink moderately
It’s all too easy to throw caution to the winds and hit the bottle over the bank holiday, especially if you’re socialising with friends. But beware: over-indulgence is likely to lead to a crashing hangover and feelings of gloom and depression when it’s time to resume the working routine.
3. Don’t turn into a couch potato
Taking exercise, even if it is just a leisurely stroll around the local park, will lift your mood and will certainly burn off your children’s excess energy. Remember, well known beaches and beauty spots are liable to be extremely crowded, so if you find that a daunting prospect you might do well to moderate your ambitions and stay local.
4. Check out family and friends
Before the weekend, make sure that you’re in contact with the people you care about and check that they have plans for the bank holiday. Some people will be happy to sequester themselves away for the duration, others may appreciate a suggestion for an outing or an invitation to come round for a drink or meal.
5. Don’t overspend
If you’re feeling vaguely discontented about your boring bank holiday, it’s so easy to throw money at the problem, whether it is going out for expensive meals, taking the kids to a theme park, or indulging in a night in a luxurious hotel. Think carefully about whether you can really afford these treats – the bank holiday comes at the end of the holidays, and you may well have already had a very expensive and indulgent month. Regretting your bank holiday over-extravagance is not a good start to September, so consider more creative – and inexpensive – ways of having a good time.
6. It’s fine to be a refusenik
Some people are happy to opt out of these communal events altogether. They enjoy their own company at Christmas and Easter and steadfastly refuse all bank holiday invitations. They might see bank holidays as an opportunity to do the exact opposite of the rest of the country, eschewing the pursuit of pleasure and instead embarking on a project that they have been putting off, such as decorating, decluttering or digging the vegetable patch. If you know a refusenik, and you believe that their refusal to participate in all suggested social events is genuine (rather than mere politeness), it is only courteous to leave them to their own devices. Don’t bombard them with invitations and suggestions or pay them surprise visits. Trust what they say and respect it – just make sure you follow up in the days after the weekend break and check that the bank holiday has left no lasting scars.
If there are people who you feel would really appreciate your hospitality, you could invite them for a simple summer lunch that will not tax your culinary powers, energy or wallet. If the weather permits, this would be delicious served al fresco, but it can equally be served indoors if drizzle and grey skies are the order of the day.
When you are inviting your guests, you could use the phrase ‘light lunch’ to indicate that they will not be sitting down to a three-course, home-cooked extravaganza – it’s always a good idea to manage guests’ expectations.
Follow the Mediterranean practice of providing a mezze – a mixed platter of bread, cheese, olives, cold meat and a large mixed salad.
Make tomato bruschetta by brushing sliced ciabatta with oil, then griddling or grilling the bread until charred and golden. Rub the bread with a clove of garlic and then spoon over a mixture of chopped tomatoes, olive oil, salt and black pepper. Top with a sprig of basil.
This delicious bread can be accompanied by a platter of Parma ham, cheese, salami and olives. You could also grill slices of halloumi, then drizzle them with olive oil, which you have infused with lemon juice and oregano, before serving.
If you have vegan guests, you could make your own hummus. Simply mix a can of chickpeas, a clove of garlic, juice and zest of one lemon and three tablespoons of tahini with approximately 60-90ml of water and blend. Taste and adjust. Serve with warmed pita bread.
Summer brings a great range of delicious fruits – most people will be delighted with a generous bowl of strawberries or raspberries and cream.
If the weather is kind, you could accompany your lunch with a large jug of simple sangria: mix three parts red wine with one part orange juice and two parts lemonade and add plenty of ice. Taste and adjust the proportions accordingly. Garnish each glass with some fresh mint and a few slices of orange or lemon.
Make sure you have plentiful supplies of ice, sparkling mineral water and a soft drink alternative, such as elderflower cordial or lemonade.
It’s exam results season and all over the country parents are waiting with bated breath for their children’s results and trying to cope with a range of emotions – both their own and their child’s – which are swirling around. Parents and young adults are already dealing with the aftermath of A levels and GCSE results will soon be following.
Results day and its aftermath is undoubtedly an ordeal for your child, and it is painful to see them go through it, but there are ways in which you can make it more bearable for everyone concerned:
1. It’s not all about you
Many parents live vicariously through their children. They might feel that their children have a duty to live up to their parents’ achievements and see any failure to do so as a major disappointment. Alternatively, parents may be embittered or disillusioned by their own under-achievement, and eagerly seeking some form of redress through the triumphs of their children. Either way, they are making the fatal mistake of not seeing their children as autonomous individuals, whose motivation, aspirations, successes and failures are very much their own. Now is the time to focus on your children, not on yourself.
2. Be alert to stress
Keep an eye on your teenagers and look out for telltale signs of stress, such as headaches, sleeplessness, lack of appetite, and above-average levels of inertia. While you must accept that a certain amount of stress is inevitable, it might be a good idea to deploy distraction techniques – arrange outings, organise movie nights, encourage your kids to see friends, play sports, go shopping etc. Just make sure you don’t go into fretful parent overdrive and try to control your own feelings of anxiety – your children will pick up on your stress and that will only make them feel worse.
3. Don’t underplay expectations
On results day it is tempting to calm down anxious teenagers with remarks like “don’t worry, we’re not expecting anything”. You may feel that you are letting your child off the hook, removing the weight of parental expectation. But of course, they have put in work and effort (or at least you hope they have) and this is very much their drama – underplaying it may make them feel untethered and rudderless. It’s much better to say something like “we’re here for you, no matter how you do”.
4. Don’t Over-React
Your child’s grades may be extremely disappointing (or astonishingly good), but it is best not to wallow in over-reaction: if they have done poorly, you will convey the message that they have let you down; or, if they have done surprisingly well, they may feel that you did not hold them in high enough esteem. Heartfelt satisfaction or stoic acceptance will lower the emotional temperature and give them space to come to terms with their grades.
5. Don’t play the self-fulfilling prophecy card
Reacting to poor results with fatalistic remarks like “Well, you were never any good at maths” or greeting stellar results with “I always knew you were going to ace it” is undermining. You are asserting that the results are entirely predictable, clearly reinforcing your own views of your child’s talents or deficiencies. This can be very provoking for the child if they have been working hard to prove you wrong, to surprise and delight you with their success.
6. Comparisons are odious
How other students have fared is an irrelevant question. Your child will already be all too used to the competitiveness of modern life, and the persistent comparisons that are a relentless and retrograde feature of social media. Whether they have done better or worse than their contemporaries, they will still have to learn to live with their own results. Trying to make them feel better by citing a worse-performing friend is just mean, and they’ll know it. They’ll rightly be suspicious if you show too much interest in their friends’ results; it betrays the fact that you’re anxious to know where your child stands in the pecking order, a sure sign of over-competitive parenting.
7. Don’t say “It’s not the end of the world”
From your much longer perspective, you know that even truly disastrous exam results don’t spell certain doom; there are always options, such as re-sits or re-appraisals and maybe a setback will act as a springboard for greater effort, or a productive change of direction. But when you are a teenager, with limited life experience, bad news on results day really can feel like a calamity, a truly shattering experience. Picking up the pieces, finding the resolve to move on, recalibrate and reboot is an all-important life lesson, and it will not help if parents denigrate the debacle or attempt to obliterate it with heedless optimism. Give your child room to feel the real weight of their disappointment; standing by with supportive suggestions and reassuring remarks (“is there anything we can do to help?”) is the best you can do.
8. Don’t say “I said you should have worked harder”
Being wise after the event is such a bad look. Even if you were all too aware that your child wasn’t working hard enough and predicted results day disappointment, reminding them of your prescience and insight is not going to help on the day itself. It is to be hoped that, in time, they will learn an all-important lesson and appreciate that hard graft really does bear fruit. But for the time being, lay off – they really don’t need to be told.
9. Don’t barge in and help
Dealing with the fallout from exam results is a real challenge for young adults. Your child may want to handle the aftermath – speaking to the school or university, seeking guidance or talking to careers advisors – without your assistance. It is important to stand by and let them take the initiative; of course, some teenagers will feel completely disorientated and confused and may be in desperate need of help. So, make it clear that you’re available to do anything you can to help and then let them come to you, rather than imposing your own agenda on them.
10. Don’t Brag
Over-competitive parents are all too ready to proclaim their child’s triumph from the rooftops, and while quiet pride and affirmation is certainly the order of the day, trumpeting success is troubling. Not only will you cause resentment and discomfort amongst friends and fellow parents who are not so happy with their child’s results; your exuberant celebrations will heap pressure on your child, making them feel that your love is conditional on their achievements.
Summer seems to have finally arrived and once again we are gripped by the pressing question: when is it acceptable to wear shorts?
Office dress codes have been transformed greatly over the last decade. The old office uniforms (suit and tie or the female ‘smart’ equivalent) are no longer de rigueur in many workplaces: we move more freely between home and the workplace, communicate through video calls, set up camp with our laptops in the local café, and to some extent the way we dress reflects this fluidity.
So, it is scarcely surprising that, when temperatures rise, many people’s instinct is to opt for the most comfortable clothes available, and shorts are high on the list. But, even in our new relaxed work environment, shorts do pose certain problems. For many people, they are strongly associated with beach holidays, sport, lolling about in the garden – the exact opposite of a working environment. To add to the problem, shorts are worn by children (often as part of their school uniform) and for that reason they have a whiff of frivolity and juvenility, which some adults simply cannot shake off.
Clearly the shorts question needs careful thought:
The first step is to deploy your social antennae and examine your working environment. Workplaces where inventiveness, imagination and individuality are valued (media, journalism, design etc) are more liable to tolerate a completely relaxed dress code. In fact, people may choose to dress in interesting and original clothes in order to reinforce messages about their own creativity. In this sort of environment, shorts would undoubtedly be completely acceptable.
If, on the other hand, you work in one of the professions (law, medicine, banking) or in an office that offers a service for the public, you will need to think very carefully about the prevailing ambience, and you may have to accept that a much more conventional and traditional dress code is expected.
Whatever the type of workplace, it is safest to bow to the general mood and conform wherever possible. Save your most original and provocative tendencies for your private life and recognise the dividing line between your professional and private persona.
Unless you are working in an anything-goes environment, where even the shortest shorts don’t raise an eyebrow, it is important, when wearing shorts for work, that you expunge all holiday associations. That means opting for tailored shorts that end just above the knee (the more they creep up the thigh the more beach-ready they will look). For the same reason, it is best to avoid jaunty patterns, tropical prints, and bright colours. You will also need to ensure that your shorts do not look like sportwear, so avoid figure-hugging lycra at all costs.
Be careful about footwear too. Shorts can look smart when they are teamed with loafers or pristine white trainers; sandals (especially for men) are more problematic as the association with sun, sea and sand is undeniable. The more of the foot that is revealed, the less serious you will look – flip flops are a no no.
How important is it to you to look professional and authoritative? Of course, this will depend on your role and workplace, but there are undeniably jobs where shorts just won’t work. Nobody wants to see politicians, judges, lawyers, chief constables, headmasters and headmistresses, bank managers, doctors or consultants in shorts for the simple reason that they will undermine their authority. All these professions rely on our endorsement: we, the general public, respect these figures, acknowledge their expertise and accept that they occupy a role where they can make decisions that will impact us in profound and life-changing ways. We expect them to be serious and sober people, who have excised any visible tendencies towards frivolity and quirkiness (what they do in their leisure time is their own business).
Conventional office dress codes do serve a purpose. They set out a kind of work ‘uniform’, which acts as a visual shorthand for competence and professionalism. People whose work reputation relies on projecting these qualities should think seriously before they opt for clothes that prioritise hot-weather comfort at the risk of undermining their authority.
Top: British officers wearing shorts, 1940
British Army Officers' shorts date back to the late 19th century and were designed for officers serving in India. These loose-cut garments, in hard-wearing military drill, were worn long and wide, with knee-length socks, to maximise air circulation and to provide relief from the stifling heat and humidity of foreign postings. They became popular amongst soldiers, tea planters and colonial officers, but were discontinued in the late 1940s.
The opening of the red grouse shooting season on 12 August is famously called the ‘Glorious Twelfth’. In the days and weeks that follow, these lean and tasty birds are in demand as cooks and restaurants make the most of this seasonal treat.
Shooting birds such as pheasants for sport became popular during the Regency period, following the invention of the percussion cap gun. Landowners began to shape their terrain to encourage game shooting, creating woods and covets. By the mid-19th century, the arrival of the breech loading shotgun, which enabled sportsmen to kill a large number of gamebirds in relatively quick succession, played a significant role in the development of the driven shoot.
Driven game shooting had been a minority recreation until 1840 when Queen Victoria married Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. The prince, who had experienced large-scale shoots held in his German homeland, popularised driven game shooting by turning the royal estate at Windsor into a massive game-park. Inevitably, wealthy sportsmen, particularly younger men, soon began to follow the royal example, establishing driven shoots – often in the hope of attracting Prince Albert and acquiring social prestige as a result.
Pheasant and partridge shooting was predominantly the preserve of the landowner and his invited guests, whereas from the 1870s onwards, grouse shooting became increasingly commercialised, with many landowners letting out their moors to wealthy businessman and enthusiasts. The growing railway network greatly facilitated the transport of sportsmen to the grouse moors in the Scottish Highlands and the uplands of northern England, where the elusive grouse is to be found.
Edwardian shooting parties, held in August and September, were a combination of country house party and social event. Wives accompanied their husbands, but had to amuse themselves in the morning, when the men were shooting. Sometimes, they went and joined the men for lunch, which was served in a draughty tent, or in the open air. After lunch, they frequently joined their husbands, standing by their side for the afternoon’s shooting, which must have been an intensely boring and uncomfortable experience. More dedicated sportsmen despised the distraction of the ladies, and preferred to stay out, unattended, for the entire day. They would probably shoot for several consecutive days and then enjoy a couple of idle days, where they reverted to more traditional country house pursuits, such as going out on expeditions and picnics or visiting neighbours.
Following the example of King Edward VII, who was a dedicated sportsman, Edwardian gentlemen became compulsive fans of shooting, and their participation in the sport became a sign of their social standing. Few could match the King’s performance; in one day at the turn of the century he is said to have hosted a shoot where he and nine others killed 1,300 birds in a single day.
These days, you do not have to procure your grouse through skilled marksmanship. They are available from good supermarkets or butchers and game dealers, local estate and farm shops, or even ordered online.
It is usual to buy the birds ‘oven-ready’ but check them for age and quality. Young birds should be fresh-smelling, firm-breasted and sharp-clawed, with a pliable beak, legs and feet. They should also be plump and moist, with unblemished skin.
Young birds are best roasted; older birds can be touch and are usually braised or used in rich casseroles, flavoured with thyme and red wine. You should allow a bird per person.
Cooking your Grouse
•Wipe out the inside of the cavity, stuff with some sprigs of thyme, and season inside and out.
•Tie the legs with string and, as an optional extra to protect the breast meat, place a couple of rashers of bacon around the bird.
•Preheat the oven to 200°C/gas mark 6. Cooking times vary according to the age of the bird: young ones take approximately 15-20 minutes, older birds can take a little longer. If you choose to brown your birds first on the stovetop in melted butter, then reduce the cooking time to 10 minutes.
Serving the bird
•Grouse should be served rare; the breast meat should be springy but not too soft. Always allow the meat to rest for at least ten minutes before serving.
•Grouse is traditionally served with gravy (made from the cooking juices), bread sauce, redcurrant sauce, game chips or game crumbs. A generous garnish of watercress is a classic accompaniment.
•Purists often cook the grouse liver inside the cavity of the bird and spread it, like pâté, on a little crouton and serve it with the roast.
•Grouse is best suited to red wine; try a Burgundy (such as Gevrey-Cahambertin) or a northern Rhone (such as Côte Rhôtie).
Chips and Crumbs
Game chips and game crumbs are a traditional accompaniment to classic roast grouse. To make game chips, cut a large potato (Maris Piper works well) into very thin slices, preferably using a mandolin. Gently heat some oil and, when hot, fry the potato slices for three to four minutes, until crisp and golden. Drain on a piece of kitchen roll and season with salt. For game crumbs, fry two handfuls of white breadcrumbs in six tablespoons of butter until they are crisp and golden.
Vegetarian or Vegan Guests?
You may delight in this gamey delicacy and regard it as a huge treat, but you can never assume all your guests will be like-minded. If a guest informs you that they are vegetarian or vegan, resist the temptation to reproach them or regale them with tales of shooting prowess. As a good host, you must cater for them as generously and with as little fuss as possible. If you are making game chips or crumbs, they will be perfectly palatable for everyone; you can pan fry a fillet of fish for pescatarians or create a delicious vegetable and lentil casserole, which you can re-heat gently in the bottom of the oven while you are roasting your grouse.
Top: Matthew Dubourg, 'Grouse Shooting', aquatint, 1822
