On a hot summer’s day an al fresco afternoon tea, served under a shady tree in the garden or under a parasol on a balcony is a truly civilised way of hosting friends (the surreal Mad Hatter’s tea party in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, when “it’s always tea-time, and we’ve no time to wash the things between whiles,” is perhaps not the best example to follow).
You will not be required to serve alcohol, and you can either choose to do your own baking or buy in various essential items, such as scones, and concentrate instead on preparing delicious sandwiches. It is a useful intermediate social event, which does not carry the culinary burden of a lunch or a dinner. It is also circumscribed – only the most obdurate guests will stay on indefinitely once the tea is cold in the pot and the last scones have been eaten.
It is well known that the tradition of afternoon tea, when tea was served at 4pm with cakes, savouries and sweets, was started by the Duchess of Bedford in 1840 and has remained popular ever since. The evening meal in her household was served fashionably late at eight o’clock, thus leaving a long period of time between lunch and dinner. The Duchess would become hungry around four o’clock in the afternoon and as that a tray of tea, bread and butter and cake be brought to her room during the late afternoon. This became a habit of hers and she began inviting friends to join her.
The pause for tea became a fashionable social event. During the 1880s, upper-class and society women would change into long tea gowns (intended to be worn without corsets and therefore manageable without the assistance of a maid), designed for at-home wear in the presence of family and close friends.
In Irene Davidson’s Etiquette for Women, published in 1928, the afternoon tea ceremony still played an important role in the social round, and detailed advice was offered to aspiring hostesses.
Invitation was by an “informal little note” or could be given personally or by telephone. The tea was laid out, ready in the drawing room, but hostesses were advised not to make the tea until all the guests had been seated – “the ideal plan is to have a small spirit lamp on the tea-table, so that you can make the tea yourself”.
Davidson was reassuring about the complexity of the catering: “Don’t feel that you must have an elaborate display of cakes, or very rich ones. It is much more important to have excellent and very hot tea, and nicely cut bread -and-butter, scones, or small sandwiches. Besides these, a few petit fours or simple small cakes and a plate of cut cake will be ample. Jammy or stickily iced things are undesirable, however attractive they may look.”
This excellent advice can still be followed to some extent today. In an era when we have electric kettles to hand, nobody needs be too fussy about spirit lamps, but we should at least ensure that pots of fresh tea are made at regular intervals, and we never allow the tea to become stewed.
The best way to brew tea is to use loose leaves and put them directly into your teapot. Pour the boiling water into the pot and let the leaves steep for a few minutes. Then pour the tea through a strainer into the cup. Any addition of honey, milk, sugar, or lemon is entirely up to the tea drinker.
Sandwiches are savoury and are therefore eaten first, before the scones, and lastly the cakes. There are several recommended sandwich filling options for afternoon tea: thinly-sliced cucumber, smoked ham, finely sliced ham (mustard optional), egg mayonnaise, served with chopped chives. Crusts should be removed; sandwiches should be cut into small triangles and never over-stuffed. Overflowing filling, which squeezes out of a sandwich on first bite, is very hard to handle when you are trying to eat from a small side plate held on your lap.
Scones (fruit or plain) are served with clotted cream and preserves, which are presented in bowls with small serving spoons. Smaller cakes will look impressive arranged on a decorative cake stand and will be easier for guests to eat when perched on a chair, juggling a teacup and side plate. Pile the cake stand high with butterfly cakes, cupcakes, chocolate mini muffins and jam tarts.
Serve tea in china teacups, with saucers and teaspoons. Teacups did not always have handles. In the early days of English tea-drinking, which date to the mid-17th century, porcelain tea bowls, which did not have handles, were imported from China. It was not until the mid-18th century that a handle was added to prevent the ladies from burning their fingers. In Victorian days, tea drinkers poured their tea into saucers to cool before sipping, this was perfectly acceptable – this is referred to as a “dish of tea”.
European manufacturers could not initially reproduce the fine porcelain used in Chinese tea ware, and the method was a closely guarded secret. The formula was eventually discovered in Meissen in Germany in 1710, though fine porcelain was not manufactured in Britain until the mid-18th century. Smooth, nonporous cups such as glass, bone china, and porcelain will remain inert, which means they do not react to the tea or change the tea’s aroma. For this reason, they are considered the best material in which to serve fine tea. Fine china also encourages the consumer to sip delicately, rather than to gulp or slurp…
Tea is handed out one cup at a time after being poured, rather than pouring a few and handing them out in one go. The milk jug and sugar is passed around and each person adds their own. Use the teaspoon to stir the tea (without clinking) and then place it back in the saucer.
When you are served tea in a teacup and saucer at a low table, for example in a drawing room, you should pick up the teacup and saucer. At a dining table (or maybe a garden table), you leave the saucer on the table and raise the cup to your lips. Hold delicate teacups by pinching the handle between your forefinger and thumb – don’t extend your little finger!
Sandwiches are eaten with the fingers, never with a knife and fork. If you are served an elaborate cake, replete with layers of cream and gooey fruit filling, it is a good idea to use the cake fork provided, rather than struggling with your fingers. You can use your fingers for smaller bite-sized cakes.
When you are served scones, you should also not use your knife to cut them in half, horizontally. Instead, break the scone in half with your hand. Take a dollop of jam and cream, using the serving spoon, and put it on the side of the plate. Break off small bite-sized pieces with your fingers, spread with jam and cream and consume in one mouthful.
Which should go first? In Cornwall it is said to be traditional to spread the jam and then add the cream, whereas in Devon cream comes first and jam second is favoured. Either method is completely acceptable, and you should opt for an arrangement that causes the least mess when it comes to conveying the delicious morsel to your mouth.
Volumes have been written about the negative behaviour that abounds on social media, from trolling to cyberbullying. We have all come to accept that people can behave with startling disinhibition online, capable of acting in ways that would be inconceivable in real life. On big issues, internet rage has the power to focus global attention and bring about, for better or worse, societal change. But what about when the topic is the minutiae of everyday life?
For many of us, our local neighbourhood or school WhatsApp groups act as a kind of town square. We mill about in a communal space, exchanging gossip, information and opinions. So far, so constructive. But increasingly when someone steps out of line, they find themselves placed in the virtual stocks – pilloried, mocked, humiliated, publicly denounced. This harsh treatment is meted out for comparatively minor offences – an off-colour joke, ill-advised remarks online, a sub-par professional service – and can have devastating consequences.
It has been argued that we are all suffering from Online Disinhibition. Clearly, in the apparent anonymity of the virtual world we can abandon the normal social restrictions encountered in everyday interactions and one clear reason for this is that we experience feelings of disconnection online. We never experience reactions to our postings in real time, we are unable to judge just how much offence we’ve caused, and we are deprived of the usual social clues – facial expressions, eye contact and body language. Without these pointers, we post in a void, where empathy has no place. Our ability to post negative or cruel remarks anonymously online, where we can hide behind usernames, means that we have very little accountability.
Many internet-users now appear to be making a simple category error; they see their “online friends” as much closer than they really are. They are prepared to vent anger, discuss intimate details of their lives and air controversial topics with people who are, in reality, virtual strangers – revelations that would normally be reserved for an inner circle of friends or family. Of course, it should be acknowledged that this tendency is not inevitably negative; it can also have positive consequences, meaning that people behave in a more openly caring and compassionate way online.
The internet is undeniably an empowering tool. Individuals who choose to post opinions or comments, often negative, can do so entirely on their own initiative, without fear of interference. They do not test their opinions on other people, and do not need to subject themselves to some form of moderation before they hit the fatal “Send” button. When people feel in control and empowered, they may well also unleash bottled-up feelings of rage and aggression.
Finally, and depressingly, negative comments online have become a social norm. The barrage of hostility, rude remarks and incendiary comments that appear to greet even the most innocent online posts, are now accepted as an inevitable part of the social media experience. The more this happens, the more this message is reinforced and perpetrated. Disinhibited comments generate more ‘likes’ and the algorithms react accordingly, generating an ever more vicious circle.
If we feel unheard, overlooked or disregarded, enraged by an encounter with a stranger, or antagonised by a social or professional group, our natural tendency is to vent our rage. In the past, we would probably have sat down and penned an angry letter to the individuals or company involved, or maybe broadened the critique by writing to the newspaper, a local councillor or a MP. More minor infringements would probably have been processed by the simple contingency of talking to a close friend or partner and letting off steam.
Now we have much more immediate and direct way of venting our rage and frustration at our fingertips. We can rush to judgment, rant and rave, point accusatory fingers and broadcast baseless rumours without even moving from our chairs. This unfiltered outpouring of emotions, many of them negative, is clearly cathartic and addictive. But what are the consequences?
Before the days of social media, our complaints and angry outpourings happened in the real world. The targets of our ire and frustration were confronted by our accusations, whether in person or in writing, and were able to put together a considered response. Sometimes, they had rational explanations for their shortcomings, or were able to argue that we had got the wrong end of the stick or had misunderstood. On occasion, they might have been forced to hold up their hands and admit their mistake or inadequacy and maybe put forward a suggestion for restitution or improvement.
It might be argued that all these processes can also take place online, but they are never instantaneous, and negative comments can be disseminated widely and cause irreparable damage before the subject has the opportunity to respond.
We should never abandon the old-fashioned way of venting our anger directly, because it is a much more judicious, positive and fair-minded way of negotiating problems. It gives offenders a second chance, allowing them to explain or make restitution without bringing their world crashing down.
Communicating in person encourages us to listen, carefully, to another point of view and make an informed judgement. So much of social media communication is about haranguing, boasting and broadcasting, rather than attending, listening and empathising – it is obvious that positive outcomes are much more likely to emerge from a context where people are genuinely attempting to understand each other’s standpoint.
Increasingly, on local and neighbourhood groups we see reputations being trashed without a backward glance. A plea is put out for a recommended plumber, builder, garage etc, and a torrent of personal opinions, some of them positively libellous, are unleashed on the forum. This causes severe reputational damage and may lead to devastating business failures. Why would the offended individuals not contemplate the much more just option of taking their complaints directly to the company involved, assessing their response, and giving them a second chance?
•Think before you post
Remember that what you post may haunt you for years to come. It is worthwhile remembering that your nastier outpourings might also become a shameful part of your digital footprint. Do you really want to be that person?
•Focus on de-escalation
Many digital spats get out of hand extremely rapidly because people cannot resist the temptation to instantly respond and comment, often injudiciously, on other people’s posts. Try to think about other ways of responding: can you make a comment that deflects the unpleasantness, or can you even make a joke of it? Most radically of all, have you considered ignoring it? The world will not come crashing down if you do not comment, and frequently discretion is the better part of valour.
•Calm down
Online spats can undoubtedly be enraging, but beware; a personal attack can make you feel under threat, unleashing primitive responses. Try and school yourself to walk away from your screen, even if it is only for a few moments. Take deep, calming breaths, walk around your garden, make a cup of tea, or run an errand – all these activities will take some of the wind out of your sails and enable you to respond more rationally.
•Up your empathy
Take the moral high ground and try to imagine the way your online attacker is feeling. Recognise that they may be feeling angry, frustrated or unnoticed, and remind yourself that their aggression might be more to do with their own feelings of inadequacy than any real antipathy towards you.
•Contemplate the consequences
Before you send that fatal post, think carefully about the fallout. How much damage will your remark do? Is it likely to go viral? Will it permanently damage your target’s reputation? Will you jeopardise the future of their business, or their career? Will their family suffer as a consequence? A logical appraisal of the possible consequences may very well lead you to believe that you do not want to be responsible for that level of personal damage.
The perennial British fixation – the weather – is once again on the agenda as we experience an, undoubtedly short-lived, heatwave. We have all indulged in moaning about the torrential rain and leaden skies that seem to have characterised this summer, and we will no doubt also enjoy grumbling about the oppressive heat, sweltering nights and so on. That is the British way.
We long for hot weather, travel thousands of miles every summer in pursuit of it and complain bitterly of its absence. But once the mercury begins to rise, we very soon discover that heat can be frazzling, and tempers tend to fray. Now is the time to concentrate on excellent heatwave manners; we’ve come up with ten top tips.
1. Don’t rush
Walking fast, running for the bus, doing anything in a hurry is not a good idea when temperatures are high, as you’ll soon build up a sweat and feel uncomfortable. It is sensible to recognise that heat is energy-sapping and to deliberately build in extra time when you are travelling, meeting people or running errands. Accept the fact that your normally brisk walking pace might well have slowed down to a lazy saunter – by accommodating a slower-paced lifestyle during these few hot days you’ll feel much less stressed and bad-tempered. Just make sure you’re not late for appointments and text ahead if you feel you’re flagging.
2. Allow some space
If you’re travelling in hot weather, you will know how oppressive it feels to be caught up in a crush of hot and bothered bodies, so do your best to spread out and maximise personal space – don’t stand near the doors, move down the carriage or the bus to accommodate more people comfortably. If you’re lucky enough to have a seat, don’t sprawl or manspread; you’ll be invading your neighbour’s space and proximity always raises the temperature.
3. Don’t eat smelly food
Food odours on public transport are undesirable at any time, but on a hot or crowded bus or train the pungent smell of your hamburger and fries or the overwhelming fishiness of your tuna mayo sandwich will be truly nauseating. Higher temperatures appear to “draw out” the odours of food to an alarming degree, so wait until you get outside into the fresh air before you start eating.
4. Always ask to open windows
Most public transport is air-conditioned these days, but if you are reliant on opening windows on buses, or in your office, to moderate the temperature, it is always polite to ask your neighbours if they mind you doing so. You may be melting and feel that it is blindingly obvious that more ventilation is needed, but you shouldn’t make assumptions about other people, and you should recognise that you are in a shared space. A polite request is normally met with equally polite consent.
5. Dress for the context
Swimwear is great for the beach, or possibly the beachside promenade, but it isn’t appropriate for the centre of town. Most of us accept that in shops, restaurants and cafés, however hot the weather, we should wear everyday clothes – even if our outfits are unusually skimpy. Hot weather provides a great incentive to wear the bare minimum of clothing but think before you do so. There may be places where your short shorts and spaghetti straps are frowned upon so try to take other people’s expectations into account. If you go somewhere and are requested to cover up (for example putting on a shirt), accede with good grace and don’t pick a fight.
6. Workwear is still workwear, even in the heat
This depends on your working environment, but in many offices, there is still a dress code, even when it’s oppressively hot. Tailored shorts and loafers might be acceptable; short shorts and flip-flops are probably not. Your employers have an expectation that you will look smart and professional; they do not want you to come to work looking like you’re en route to the beach. Observe other people and how they dress and amend your wardrobe accordingly.
7. Go prepared
You’ll need to consume plenty of water in this weather, so carrying around a flask or bottle, which can be frequently replenished, is always a good idea. Keep a vigilant eye open for anyone who appears to be struggling in the heat, and always be ready to offer water to anyone who’s flushed, sweating heavily, feeling dizzy or breathing heavily. It is always a good idea to carry a clean cotton handkerchief, which you can use for mopping your brow or drying sticky hands.
8. Stay calm
Tempers can get frayed when we’re hot and bothered and you may find yourself embroiled in some prickly interactions. Trains are packed with excited babies and children enjoying summer expeditions and noise levels rise accordingly. If you live somewhere that is attractive to visitors, you may find your usual haunts are suddenly colonised by strangers and you are unable to get a table in your favourite café or board your usual bus. Do your utmost to take these inconveniences in your stride: wear headphones on public transport to block out the noise; remind yourself that visitors to your hometown are providing a much-needed boost to the economy; accept that these few summery days are an exceptional break from routine and that normal life is bound to be disrupted.
9. Talk the Talk
Be prepared to engage in endless encounters where the weather is the main topic of conversation. You might find the remarks that are proffered are boring, blindingly obvious, or needlessly negative, but you must listen politely and, if possible, make your own observations on this riveting topic. It’s a social obligation.
10. Stay sober
Hot weather inevitably means great thirst. While slaking that thirst with water is the sensible option, many of us turn to the delights of summer cocktails in ice-filled glasses, perfectly chilled glasses of white wine, or copious quantities of thirst-quenching beer. These choices seem overwhelmingly attractive when we sit down in a shady spot after a hot day in the city and a sticky commute. Summer drinking is highly convivial, and the warm evenings may even tempt us to interact more openly with our neighbours. But beware: it is very easy to drink far more than usual, with dire consequences, including rows, rowdiness, and hangovers. Remind yourself that alcohol should not be used to quench your thirst, and alternate alcoholic drinks with copious quantities of ice-cold water.
It is always a good idea to invest in good wedding photography, and to find a professional who is capable of creating images that stand the test of time. Some couples choose an engagement shoot as a pre-wedding trial – if the photographs pass muster, then they can feel confident that the big day is covered.
The photographer should be briefed fully on the structure of the day (a written running order, with estimated timings is indispensable). If there are any special requests, these should be conveyed well ahead of time. Contemporary wedding photography usually comprises a mix of both formal portraits and reportage-style. It is essential to compile a list of the required formal photographs, which will ensure there are no embarrassing omissions. If there are complex family dynamics involved (eg divorced parents, grumpy stepchildren), the positioning must be worked out in advance and the photographer fully briefed – nobody wants their wedding photographs to be marred by scowls and poisonous looks on the faces of estranged parents or warring relations.
If you are having a church wedding, check the rules about photography inside the church well in advance and respect them. It helps if the best man and ushers take on the responsibility of liaising with, and assisting, the photographer.
A wedding video captures the essence of the day, along with many moments that the bride and groom would otherwise miss. Above all, it is important to ensure that filming is not intrusive and never dominates the real proceedings.
So far, so straightforward. But the difficulties begin to accumulate when the bride and groom become obsessed with stage managing the event and aspire to cinematic (or at the very least, Instagrammable) perfection.
This might involve them in scouting for an array of screen-worthy locations and setting up complex shots in inaccessible beauty spots, all set off by dazzling sunsets or golden sunshine. They may require drone shots, multiple angles and hordes of obliging “extras” (otherwise known as wedding guests). Their quest for cinematic perfection may well extend to stage managing their entire guest list, leading them to send out prescriptive (and sometimes quite offensive) directives about the desired colour palette and clothing style required of their guests, and even excluding guests who they consider fall short of the aesthetic mark.
Many couples require photographers to be on duty for the entirety of the wedding day. Traditionally, photographers captured the arrival of the bride and groom at the church or ceremony venue, took photographs of the ceremony (if allowed), and spent an hour or so afterwards taking formal wedding shots. Increasingly, they are required to be up with the lark, recording the bridal preparations, the journey to the venue, the ceremony and its aftermath, and the entirety of the reception. Such are the demands made on them that they often need assistants in attendance and vanloads of equipment. In short, the wedding begins to look more like a movie shoot than a ceremony and a celebration.
Inevitably, this tendency can lead to conflict. Some members of the clergy, made to feel like mere stage props, object to the commodification of a religious ceremony and respond by introducing draconian restrictions on photography. It is vital that photographers are sensitive about their impact, perhaps using silent shutter modes and zoom lenses to ensure that they are not being too obtrusive as they go about their business; this is something that the couple will need to discuss beforehand.
Wedding guests may also find themselves irritated and frustrated by over-intrusive photographers. They may very well resent being elbowed out of the way by a photographer in pursuit of a photo or find themselves unable to see significant moments in the proceedings because their vision is blocked by the hulking figure of a photographer and a vast amount of equipment. Couples will need to think about the impact that photography will have on the guests and balance their desire for an unforgettable record of their big day against their obligations, as co-hosts, to ensure that their guests have a wonderful time and feel able to share in their joy.
The ever-higher standards that are being applied to wedding photography are undeniably associated with social media. Many photographers agree that couples who have been poring over celebrity social media accounts come away with unrealistically high expectations. They may be seduced by professional wedding shoots, where the photographer has the capacity to use models and spend hours setting up shots and reshooting to get the most glamorous and impeccable images. But real life is not like that: a bride will only walk down the aisle once; a groom will only catch his first glimpse of her in a split second and so on. Couples should manage their expectations and acknowledge that real life can throw up accidents, mishaps and glitches as well as invaluable moments of spontaneous recognition and communication.
Most of us now take sophisticated smartphones, with built-in cameras, wherever we go. We’ve got into the habit of photographing absolutely everything, from the most mundane details of everyday life to holidays and special occasions, and weddings are no exception. So, it’s no surprise that wedding guests are now turning into dedicated photographers, creating their own chronicle of every minute of the day, brandishing their smartphones throughout the ceremony and the speeches in a relentless pursuit of an original image.
Of course, this tsunami of amateur photography can lead to some real gems – the bridal couple caught unawares during a quiet moment, looks exchanged between proud parents, child bridesmaids caught pulling silly faces. But, as always, photography can be intrusive and there is always the suspicion that guests are more focused on their photographic record than on the actual drama being enacted for their benefit.
Some couples have taken the situation in hand and request beforehand (in the general package of wedding instructions) that no photography takes place during the ceremony, which will be documented by an official photographer. If this request is made politely, it is unlikely that guests will object. Alternatively, you can just rely on the assumption that your guests are fully sentient and civilised beings who know when they’re getting in the way or spoiling a precious moment and have the good sense to put away their phones and enjoy a very special experience.
It’s been a summer of sport and inevitably all that physical prowess and endeavour trickles down to ordinary mortals, who feel motivated to get fit and brush up their exercise routine. Sporting and physical exercise opportunities are legion, but how should you behave when you’re working out?
The dedication to physical activity, the dogged determination you bring to your exercise routine and the single-minded fixation on exercise goals are all important traits for aspiring athletes, but they all involve a level of self-absorption that can easily mutate into selfish and rude behaviour.
We’ve looked at some of the main activities and suggest the following basic exercise etiquette:
•If you’re a novice gym-user you may need advice and help when it comes to mastering the equipment. Don’t be shy; politely ask other gym-users for assistance – you’ll find they’re generally only too happy to help.
•Wear clean, presentable gym clothes and deodorant when working out and always carry a towel with you.
•You’re inevitably going to get sweaty when you work out. If you have a towel and carefully wipe equipment down when you have finished with it, nobody is going to find your sweating offensive.
•Don’t hover impatiently over users who are mid-workout because you want to use equipment.
•Don’t hog the equipment. In most gyms other people will be waiting, so don’t just sit there waiting between sets and scrolling on your phone. Move on and free up equipment for other users.
•Don’t offer advice on other people’s workout and never stare at fellow gym-goers. If you’re really concerned that someone is making mistakes and might injure themselves, have a discreet word with one of the staff or trainers.
•Be noise aware. If you’re listening to music, use headphones and keep the volume down. If you’re chatting to fellow gym-users, do so quietly and discreetly. Nobody would argue that gyms should maintain a church-like tranquillity, but most users are intent on their routine and find noisy conversation and music distracting.
•Keep your wits about you. Many people zone out when they’re exercising, especially if they’re listening to music or podcasts on their headphones. But keep an eye open – other people may want to ask you questions or may be seeking assistance and you wouldn’t want to cut them dead.
•No matter how satisfied you are by your gym-honed musculature it is a bad look to stand preening in front of the mirrors or to pose for self-congratulatory selfies. You’ll look like a self-absorbed narcissist and ordinary mortals, who are trying their best and hiding behind baggy and unflattering gym clothes, will feel deeply inadequate.
•Be very wary of videoing yourself mid-workout. Many people seem to feel that these smug snippets are suitable uploads for social media, but it’s very hard to grab a video without capturing other unwitting gym-users in the background and posting the results will intrude on their privacy and may cause trouble.
•Shower before you swim – creams and deodorant don’t mix well with chlorine. If possible, wear a swimming hat – especially if you’ve got long hair. Encounters with stray hairs are unpleasant for fellow swimmers.
•Know your form. When people are serious about exercise swimming, they visit pools at times when they are divided into lanes, which are usually classified into slow, medium and fast. If you’re unfamiliar with the environment, take a few moments to assess the speed and stroke of the swimmers in the various lanes and choose appropriately. A slow-moving breast-stroking tortoise in a lane full of slick and speedy crawlers is a recipe for frustration.
•It’s all about speed control. If you find yourself stuck behind someone who’s slower than you, keep close behind them and trust that they will let you past when you reach the shallow end. If they resolutely refuse to do so, you can resort to the cut-off – changing your direction of travel before you reach the shallow end and thereby avoiding the whole issue.
•If you feel someone breathing behind your neck as you approach the shallow end, accept that they’re faster than you, and usher them politely past. Doggedly refusing to do so will be the cause of a great deal of resentment and frustration and might even lead to angry exchanges.
•Always be observant of other swimmers; if you’re waiting to start a new lap and you see a faster swimmer than you approaching, it’s a good idea to wait a few moments and usher them in front of you.
•If a slower swimmer than you is courteous enough to wait for you and wave you on, acknowledge this gesture with a polite nod, a smile or a word of thanks. Don’t just power your way end to end in a relentless flurry of foam and goggles.
•If you feel someone coming up behind you and the way ahead is clear for them to overtake without inconveniencing oncoming swimmers, let them. Over-competitive swimmers often see the approach of a faster swimmer as a moment when they should do their utmost to speed up and block their attempts to overtake. This is just childish.
•Pools can be sociable places, with regular swimmers enjoying chats and small talk. This is very civilised, but if you’re going to hang around at the shallow end chatting, make sure you tuck yourself away to the sides of the lane, so that oncoming swimmers are not met with an impenetrable wall of stationery bodies and have room to touch the wall and turn.
•Do your teacher the courtesy of paying attention in class. You might be attending with a friend but now is not the time for chatting.
•You’re involved in a communal activity so take the temperature of the room. Now is not the time to put your head down and engage in astonishing feats of speed and endurance; follow the tempo and atmosphere of the class. Classes are primarily about community not competition, so if you’re fiercely trying to outdo everyone else you’ll stand out like a sore thumb.
•If you’re a bit of a duffer, who’s always a few steps behind the routine, or you tend to go the wrong way altogether, then you’re not a candidate for the front row, as you may cause anarchy and chaos when your missteps are copied by the people behind you. If you’ve any self-doubt about your abilities lie low at the back of the class where your fumbling will pass unobserved.
The summer holidays are upon us and many parents will be contemplating paying visits to friends and family, with their children in tow. Now is the time when people who are childless, or whose own children have flown the nest, find themselves once again opening their doors to junior guests, which can be a daunting prospect.
Managing Expectations
It is important to explain to children beforehand what to expect: you can describe the bedroom where there’ll be sleeping, or talk about the garden, places you’re going to visit (seaside, funfair, river etc), and mention any special attractions, such as pets. It is a good idea to get your kids in a positive frame of mind about the visit before you set off, and now is the time to start giving them indications about how they should behave – you can tell them, for instance, to remember to always ask the host before they take anything from the fridge or turn on the television, and remind them about saying please and thank you.
Discussing Beforehand
It is a really good idea to talk to the host before you arrive about your children: you can explain their routine (what time they get up, eat, have a bath, go to sleep), and give some indication about how flexible this can be.
Now is the time to raise the issue of food: we all know that children can be faddy and may have a very picky attitude to unfamiliar food. As a parent, you can either accept that they won’t eat much of the food that is on offer (it might be advisable to bring snacks or breakfast cereals), or – if your host is anxious to oblige – you could indicate some non-controversial foods that your host could provide (fishfingers, pasta, chicken etc). It’s up to the parents to gauge the host’s attitude beforehand and to assess just how willing they are to go out of their way to please their young guests. It is rude to come at your hosts with a list of demands, but of course if your advice is solicited it is important to give a clear picture.
A Sense of Responsibility
First and foremost, your children are your responsibility, and you should never assume that the host will take over your parenting duties. It is, of course, extremely tempting to treat your visit as a holiday, where you can abdicate responsibilities and hand over the childcare to other trustworthy adults, but you must never do this unless your hosts are genuinely keen to spend time with your children.
If your hosts have their own children, it is, of course, easier and you may well find childcare duties are taken off your hands. But if your hosts have their own nanny or au pair you should never assume that their employees will take over your own childcare; your children are nothing to do with them and it is presumptuous to expect them to take on extra work.
Adult Time
Even the most assiduous and accommodating of hosts might begin to feel frustrated if your children are omnipresent, especially at times when it is reasonable to expect the adults will be able to relax, drink and enjoy conversation. A baby or small child who has a set bedtime will be more popular than one who expects to stay up for dinner with the grown-ups. Guests must remember that house rules will apply so, even if they are used to eating with their own children at 6.30pm, if a host is planning an adults’ dinner, then this must be respected and the children be put to bed at an appropriate hour.
Similarly, if the hosts have arranged a babysitter or other help to facilitate an adult evening, it would be rude for guests’ children to be allowed to stay up.
Older children may well be allowed to stay up and watch TV or play on their computers – rather than joining in at dinner – but they should neither interrupt nor disturb the adults.
Of course, some children will not comply with this fixed timetable. They may be disturbed or over-excited because they are in a strange house or might in any case have an entirely different routine. If you cannot persuade your children to go meekly to bed when it’s adult dinner time, you might have to let them join you at the table, but you will need to be very vigilant about their behaviour. Your hosts will probably be fine with a quiet child, who is playing with a laptop or drawing in a colouring book; they might be less tolerant of one that is constantly interrupting the conversation or running around the dining room.
Come Prepared
Guests should bring toys and books for younger children and babies. These will provide invaluable distraction but may become a bit of an irritant if they are left scattered all over the sitting room, so it is a good idea to take responsibility for tidying them away as soon as the children are in bed.
With modern technology it is simple enough to bring some entertainment, in the form of a laptop or tablet, to occupy small children in their bedrooms either at bedtime or early in the morning. Children should not be allowed to put on the host’s TV by themselves unless they are old enough and the host has suggested it.
Early rising children can often be something of a trial when staying in someone else’s house as it is not reasonable to let them run around and make a lot of noise much before 8am. Laptops and phones may have to be deployed and, as long as you do your best to contain audible high spirits, most hosts should be tolerant of early risers.
Above all, be prepared to look at your children objectively, from your hosts’ point of view. You will, of course, be accustomed to the noise and disruption that children bring to your own household but try to understand that this will be challenging for people who are used to unchanging routines and unbroken tranquillity. If you can truly understand how they feel, you will be able to pre-empt any disturbance and ensure that your visit runs smoothly.
If you’re hosting guests with children, the two watchwords are tolerance and communication. You should liaise with guests beforehand and find out as much as you can about the children’s routine, likes and dislikes and food requirements. Even if you do not approve of some of the answers you are given, now is not the time to lecture parents about healthy eating or fixed bedtimes. You should remember that first and foremost you are a host, and it is your duty to do the best you can to ensure that everyone has a good time. This may well mean adopting a tolerant attitude and accepting that your normal routines and customs may need to be modified for a short while.
Pre-empt any disasters or unfortunate accidents by taking the time to child-proof your house. At its simplest, this may mean stowing away any precious or delicate objects that could be damaged by boisterous playing and ensuring that you have hidden everything that you want to keep out of reach of prying hands.
Rather than being pernickety about your pristine white carpet or fussy about your polished dining table, try and feed children in the kitchen, where floors and surfaces are easily wiped, and no real damage will be done.
Trust that your guests will be on the lookout for any delinquent behaviour and will be doing their best to contain their children’s more exuberant antics. Remember that it is, first and foremost, the parents’ responsibility to monitor their children and to tell them off, if necessary. If you intervene directly, and start admonishing other people’s children, you may well cause offence, or make the parents feel undermined and questioned; it is much better if you witness behaviour that makes you see red to have a quiet and tactful word with the parents.
If you are flexible and accommodating, tolerant of the children and supportive of their parents, you may well find that the visit brings unexpected pleasures.
Dress codes in the country are, first and foremost, practical, providing all-weather protection. Clothes will need to be suitable for country pursuits, draughty houses and inclement weather. Traditional country fabrics are tweed, wool and waxed cotton; functional country wear has, in recent years, become extremely fashionable.
•Black is traditionally seen as a city colour; men wear brown rather than black shoes and may choose a tweed jacket rather than a fine wool.
•Women will probably only wear black for formal evening events. Tailored jackets are discarded in favour of gilets, jumpers or cardigans.
•Outdoor weatherproof jackets are worn in preference to woollen overcoats.
•The countryside colour palate is muted, tending to browns and greens rather than black and navy.
•Scarves and woollen or fake fur hats are frequently worn by women, while flat caps for men may be worn.
•Wallking shoes, boots and wellingtons are all practical country footwear. Discard muddy shoes at the door and revert to slip-on shoes such as loafers indoors.
In 1571 an Act of Parliament decreed that on Sundays and holidays all males aged six and over, who were not members of the nobility, should wear a woven wool cap. Although this Act was later repealed, the cap had become the mark of the working man. At the other end of the spectrum members of the aristocracy and Royal Family adopted the tweed cap as practical headgear when out shooting. In the post-war years, working men discarded their flat caps but the eminently practical country cap survived and – fifty years on – has become a fashion icon.
Waxed cotton was first invented for the clipper fleet when linseed oil (extracted from the flax plants used to make linen) was used to treat cotton sails and seamen’s clothing. The treated cloth was waterproof but became stiff in cold weather.
In the 1930s a new process was invented, when cotton cloth was treated with cupro-ammonia and coated with paraffin wax. The new, more flexible, fabric became indispensable for robust outdoor wear, much favoured by farmers and gamekeepers.
The chemical treatments meant that the fabric was originally only available in black or dark olive. The olive could vary considerably, so it became traditional for olive waxed cotton garments to boast a standardised brown corduroy collar.
Now adopted as the uniform of Britain’s country classes, waxed cotton jackets have moved beyond their beginnings as practical workwear. They are de rigueur at any social gathering in the countryside where protection from the elements is paramount – especially horse racing, horse trials, point to points and country fairs, and are often accessorised with tweed caps, silk headscarves and wellington boots.
Arthur Wellesley, first Duke of Wellington and the general who led his nation’s troops to victory at the Battle of Waterloo (1815), instructed his shoemaker, George Hoby of St James Street, London, to fashion a boot out of calfskin leather. The boot was an adaptation of the traditional ‘Hessian’ design, cut lower on the leg so they were more comfortable for riding.
Leather ‘wellingtons’ proved enduringly popular – practical in battle, but appropriately stylish for evening wear.
Their transition to rubber boots followed the invention of the vulcanisation process for rubber by Charles Goodyear (1800–60). Wellingtons proved invaluable in the trenches of World War I, while in peacetime they kept fishermen’s feet dry and protected farmers from mud. Made of natural rubber with non-slip soles they were the ultimate practical footwear.
Now made in a range of fashionable colours and patterns, wellington boots have become the must-have footwear for country events, festivals and rainy days – a perfect fashion icon for a nation that enjoys the outdoor life, however unpredictable the weather.
A simple square of brightly patterned silk, folded in half to make a triangle and tied in a neat bow under the chin, is a style much beloved by the late Queen and copied by fashionistas everywhere. It is a fashionable way of protecting the hair when outdoors. Experiment with three ways of tying your scarf:
•Fold the square diagonally to make a triangle shape; tie it under your chin, leaving the triangle hanging behind and accessorise with sunglasses and gloves.
•Using the same triangle shape, tie the scarf behind your head. This ‘bandana’ style will frame your face, adding a touch of piratical glamour.
•For the style made famous by Grace Kelly, fold the scarf into a triangle shape, place it on the head, and bring the corners under the chin, cross them and push them to the back of your neck where you should tie them, catching any loose material under the knot.
Several iconic items of British tailoring owe their origins to riding practicalities. The long Regency tailcoat was an adaptation of a gentleman’s hunting jacket, with a pronounced centre vent for ease of sitting in the saddle, and it soon found itself in civilised drawing rooms, allegedly introduced by the dandy Beau Brummell, paired with tight breeches and knee-length boots, and finished off with a ‘stock’, a kind of cravat fastened with a decorative pin. All these items of dress can still be seen on display in the refined world of dressage.
Today, the well-dressed equestrian can showcase the best of traditional British tailoring, which is complemented by the latest innovations in fabric technology. For general purposes, a tweed hacking jacket is a traditional, stylish and pragmatic choice. Named after the ‘hack’ or ‘hackney’, a saddle horse chosen for everyday riding pleasure, this serviceable jacket, with its plentiful pockets and comfortable fit, was an indispensable item of clothing for British landowners and aristocrats. Its flattering fitted silhouette became the model for the modern suit jacket.
Hacking jackets are made of tweed, single-breasted, with pronounced shoulders. They are cut quite long, with three or four horn buttons. They have short lapels and a long centre vent at the back. They are well-endowed with side pockets, a chest pocket and a large poacher’s pocket on the inside
They have a ghillie collar (which allows the jacket to be buttoned up at the neck) and a throat tab, which can be fastened across the neck when the collar of the jacket is upturned.
Ladies’ hacking jackets are fitted, hugging the torso with room over the seat and hips. High-cut arm holes aid ease of movement and a slightly longer sleeve length provides protection against the elements. Modern innovations use lighter more weather-resistant material and may even provide extra pockets for mobile phones.
The hacking jacket can be paired, for everyday riding, with a classic cotton or wool button-down shirt, or a neutral coloured lambswool sweater, and riding breeches. These fitted trousers are made of four-way stretch material, reinforced at the knee, and in some cases at the seat. They will usually be worn in white, beige, navy, black or olive, and are tapered so they can be tucked into riding boots.
All-weather riding is facilitated by the wide range of waterproof clothing now available, from waxed or Gore-Tex jackets to paddock jackets – these quilted, boxy jackets, with their contrasting velvet collars, are ubiquitous. Waterproof riding gloves are a useful addition. The final finishing touch is a specialist riding helmet, which meets approved safety standards. While a tweed cap is certainly a fashionable choice, especially when attending equestrian events, no serious rider would forego crucial head protection.
Whatever your choice, you can rest assured that you will cut a fine figure, and you will be able to enjoy the perfect marriage of form and function that is the hallmark of Britain’s best tailoring traditions.
Being invited as a guest to a restaurant is very different from going out for a meal with friends, where the bill is being split and there is a democratic free-for-all when it comes to food choices, complaints and requests.
If you are invited to lunch or dinner in a restaurant, you should remember that you are a guest and that someone else is picking up the bill. This means that they are running the show: organising orders, choosing the wine, making suggestions. As a guest, you will need to defer to the host and should never pre-empt their responsibilities, for instance by ordering another bottle of wine or more bread. You should keep any grumpiness with the food or the service to yourself and be as positive and appreciative as possible.
You may arrive with your host but if you arrive separately try to be as punctual as possible and give your host’s name to the restaurant front-of-house staff, who should show you to the table. When you are given the menu, you may want to ask your host if there is anything he/she recommends and no doubt the waiter will reel off the day’s specials. Do not feel you need to order from the set menu unless everyone is doing so; if the host says they’re ordering from the set menu, you might feel obliged to follow suit – the vital skill is to gauge the tenor of the hospitality and not to push beyond any boundaries you have detected. In general, it is safer, and more polite, not to opt for the most extravagant dish unless your host suggests it.
If the host enthusiastically recommends certain dishes, it is polite to endorse their judgement by ordering them, if possible, but you should not feel coerced. Sometimes, a short explanation will iron out any misunderstandings: “the tripe sounds delicious, but I’m afraid I’m really squeamish about offal”.
When you are choosing, be wary of complicated or messy food, which might involve unfamiliar implements (seafood picks for example) or finger bowls. If you are not sure what something means, then ask the waiter as you may embarrass the host if he/she does not know either. Remember, it will be boring for other guests if you embark on a long dialogue with the waiter about the nuances of the cuisine, the origin of the ingredients and so on.
When it’s time to order, don’t hold everyone up by prevaricating, be decisive. Just give an abbreviated version of the dish, eg “the lamb”, rather than solemnly intoning a long pretentious description, possibly in a foreign language. If you can barely understand anything and are too shy to ask you can always say: “the chicken, please” and hope for the best.
Asking for food that is not on the menu, or for food that is listed to be cooked or served in a special way is increasingly common as so many people now follow diets or have allergies or intolerances. It can, however, be rude to the host to make too much of a fuss or to hold everyone up, so keep it brief and include the host, explaining and apologising, rather than monopolising the waiter with complex demands. You don’t want to come across as neurotic and over-demanding.
The host will order and taste the wine, but you will then be served it as the guest. Unless you are an acknowledged expert whose opinion is solicited it is best to confine yourself to polite appreciation of the choice that has been made. It is fine to discuss the food, and certainly polite to endorse your dish enthusiastically if possible; do not be too critical and avoid being a food bore. Use discussions of the food as a platform for getting on to more interesting topics.
Usually, the first two courses are ordered at the same time and then the waiter will return to ask if you want to order anything else. It is not necessary to order pudding. If you do not want to indulge, you can ask for coffee at the same time as other people are having pudding, or – if it is a leisurely meal – wait until they finish and move on to coffee.
Occasionally the host will have pre-ordered, leaving you with no choice or perhaps a very limited one, say beef or salmon. You must simply accept this. In a restaurant where you are unfamiliar with the food it may be best to leave one person to order a selection of dishes. If you must help yourself from communal dishes, remember not to reach across people. Ask to be passed things where possible and take a little from each dish if you can.
As a guest, do not criticise the food, or take on a senior position that may undermine the host. If there is a serious issue with the food (eg it is dangerously undercooked), mention it discreetly to the host, rather than peremptorily summoning the waiter, and allow them to handle it is their own way.
Above all, remember that your host is being generous and hospitable, and you therefore owe them the courtesy of focusing on the food, the company, the conversation, and not your phone. Put your phone away before you enter the restaurant, switch it off or mute it and resist the temptation to glance at it from time to time. The only exception would be if you are waiting for an important call or text; if this is the case you should explain at the outset that you might have to keep an eye on your phone.
If you see other people you know in the restaurant when you are someone’s guest, it is best just to smile or perhaps wave discreetly. If they come over on their way out and you must make introductions it is best to remain seated, not get up and start kissing people, and to keep it all very brief: “Lovely to see you. Let’s catch up soon.” Unless you think your host may be really interested, just give the briefest account of who they were. People sometimes resent such interruptions.
If you have been invited, you can expect the host to pay so just thank him/her warmly, don’t make feeble and half-hearted attempts to pay. If you are with a friend and normally share, then offer to do so, but if they have invited you and it is their idea it is best to suggest that you reciprocate next time.
You may wish to thank for a restaurant meal by email as it is a less formal situation than being entertained in someone’s home and thanking promptly and quite briefly may be more appropriate, but a hand-written letter is always appreciated, especially if the meal was celebrating an important occasion. A text is better than nothing…
Country driving can be a pure delight – an unfolding canvas of scenic roads, very little traffic, picturesque villages, panoramic views. But it can also be dangerous, especially if you’re used to motorways or city streets. The key to safe and well-mannered driving in the country is patience. When roads are narrow and visibility is poor, you will find any number of hazards – from herds of livestock and slow-moving tractors to groups of hikers and horse-riders – to slow you down. Accept that country driving is slow, sit back and enjoy the scenery.
•Keep to your side of the road, and don’t let reduced visibility tempt you into wandering into the oncoming lane.
•Watch your speed and observe speed limits carefully. Country driving is notable for a number of unexpected hazards, and you need to be able to react quickly. Be very wary of road surfaces: we’re beset by potholes on UK roads and country lanes, which may be liable to flooding and damage from heavy agricultural machinery, are often ill maintained and dangerous.
•Country roads are often twisting and turning; brake before you reach a corner and try and use hedges or telegraph wires to anticipate the layout of the road ahead.
• Be patient: you may be stuck behind slow-moving tractors or agricultural machinery, but this will rarely be over long distances. Remember these are country-dwellers who are legitimately going about their everyday business – the country is not a theme park, conveniently laid out for your delectation and enjoyment. Just resign yourself to moving slowly and resist the temptation to flash your headlights or swing out from behind.
•Watch out for cyclists. It’s an increasingly popular hobby and they frequently travel in packs, which makes them hard to overtake on country roads. Crawl along behind them, keep your distance and only overtake when you’re confident to do so. You may find them irritating, but honking your horn, revving your engine, or shouting at them through the car window is an absolute no no; remember that, according to the Highway Code, they have priority.
•Be very cautious around horses. If you see a horse and rider ahead, slow down to a crawl and creep behind. When it is completely safe to overtake, pull out, giving the horse a wide berth, and driving very slowly to avoid alarming the animal.
•Driving along with your windows open and music blaring out is an inconsiderate assault on rural tranquillity. It is also dangerous when, for example, encountering horses, who may well be startled by loud noises. For this reason, honking horns is frowned upon on country roads.
•Keep an eye open for pedestrians. Walking down country lanes can be hazardous, and where there are no verges, pedestrians are often forced to walk in the road. Slow down if you see a pedestrian ahead and overtake gently. Aggressively racing past with just a hair breadth’s clearance is the height of bad manners.
•Accept that, if you encounter a car coming in the opposite direction on a narrow, single-tracked country lane, you may have to reverse to let them through. Don’t try and sit it out; the convention is that the person who is nearest to a gateway or pull-off is the person who tucks their car into the side. If you encounter a large vehicle, they take priority, and you must manoeuvre yourself out of the way.
•Nothing winds up locals more than a visitor parking in a passing place or not acknowledging someonwe who has pulled over to let them pass – a wave of a hand or raising a finger from the steering wheel is all it takes.
•Park considerately; a gateway might look like a convenient spot to pull off the road, but you may well be blocking a farmer or a resident.
In-car navigation systems have prevented many a long and scenic detour, but they are not infallible: listen to that inner voice of doubt before you gamely follow your SatNav’s instruction to turn off an A-road onto a narrow dirt track. Remember, in areas with limited satellite coverage, such as remote rural areas or deep valleys, GPS accuracy may be impeded. Listen to instructions from residents and bow to their greater knowledge of rural highways and byways and always carry a physical road map; a craven dependence on technology may well leave you seriously disorientated.
British road signs alert motorists to a number of wildlife hazards – swerving to avoid wildlife is the cause of many accidents. In 2019 the UK government introduced a ‘small mammal warning’ sign, depicting a hedgehog, intended to protect vital crossing routes, particularly on rural roads. A recent estimate suggests that as many as 335,000 hedgehogs are killed on UK roads a year, with numbers peaking in July, suggesting that the road deaths are linked with the breeding season. Hedgehog fatalities are highest on the suburban edges of towns and in areas where roads are bordered by grassland, so being aware of the season and terrain can help prevent needless roadkill.
One of the most dangerous wild animals for motorists is the deer. Recent research indicates an annual tally of 74,000 deer-related accidents on UK roads. Most accidents occur during the deer’s rutting season, which occurs from around October to December, with dusk and dawn being high-risk times of day. Be particularly vigilant at these times, especially on roads that run close to woods and forests and take note of deer warning signs. If you do see a deer at night, dip your headlights, which will prevent the animal from ‘freezing’.
Exotic pheasants originated in Asia and were brought to the British Isles by the Romans, where they have thrived and become an integral part of the country scene. Unfortunatey, they are particularly vulnerable on British roads, especially in the autumn, when captive-bred birds are released from their pens. Not noted for their intelligence, such birds have little experience of living in the wild or learning from other birds; they are mainly land-based and only fly when startled, with an alarming tendency to head across roads in front of traffic.
Click here for a free download of our new booklet, Debrett's Guide to Country Pursuits
This has been a truly competitive summer. Not only have we been transfixed by our own UK general election, but all over the world an unprecedentedly high number of democracies have gone to the polls in 2024. Sports – from tennis and Euros football to the upcoming Olympic Games – are taking centre stage this summer, gobbling up news slots and airtime and attracting exuberant partisanship and support. At the other end of our spectrum, it is nearly the end of term, and our children are caught up in their own sports days and competitions, vital early training in the art of winning and losing.
All this competitiveness and striving for success puts winners and losers in the spotlight. We are taught from an early age about the essentials of losing graciously – the brave smile, the generous tribute to the winner, the dignified exit. But what about winning well? We’ve all seen examples of how it should not be done – gloating triumphalism, disdain for the loser, a lack of generosity when it comes to applauding their achievements. So how do you go about winning well?
1. Thank your opponent
It is important to acknowledge the time, energy and commitment that your opponent has put into competing with you. After all, without that input, you would not be celebrating your victory and all contents are dependent on dedicated participation. Thanking your opponent is an elegant way of endorsing the importance and legitimacy of the contest.
2. Thank your friends and supporters
Most winners have achieved victory on a tidal wave of support. Whether it is the back-breaking hours of campaigning and volunteering that have helped usher a political candidate to victory, or the professionalism and commitment of trainers and coaches who have helped their protegees achieve sporting gold, victors require assistance, and this must be acknowledged as effusively as possible.
As well as dedicated helpers, it is also important to thank the support of the wider public, whether it is voters in a constituency or the thousands of dedicated fans who travel great distances and spend large sums of money to cheer on their sporting heroes.
Above all, it is vital to thank friends and family; they have lived through the battle, and their loyalty and enthusiasm is a vital prop to all competitors. Their contribution should never be overlooked or underestimated.
3. Pay tribute to the losing party
You must always find something positive to say about the losers. This is straightforward if you have lost by the slimmest of margins – ruefully acknowledging that the battle was close-fought and could have gone either way makes it clear that you both respect, and fear, your opponent, and you will no doubt find it easy to single out their strengths and commend their performance.
But even if you have trounced an opponent whom you despise or disdain, it is still important to find something positive to say about them and rise above your own feelings of justified triumphalism. Praising their conviction or tenacity is often a good way of masking your negative feelings.
4. Be humble
Never let the sheer joy of victory turn into bragging or gloating. You may feel overwhelmed with feelings of superiority but putting them on display will turn onlookers off. It‘s fine to be proud of your achievements, but revelling in obvious delight at your opponent‘s loss is very unattractive.
5. Ignore sore losers
Sometimes, when feelings are running high, losers are not able to control their emotions and behave with becoming magnanimity. They might even throw a tantrum or lash out at you with personal insults and negativity. In these circumstances, it is important to stand by and allow them to let off steam. By rising above their anger, you will look calm and dignified. Remind yourself that, however unpleasant the loser’s outburst, you are the winner and you have achieved your goal – don’t let the loser’s bitterness taint your triumph.
6. Don’t fixate on vindication
Some victories occur against the odds: you have been predicted to lose, commentators have rated your chances at zero, you have been dismissed out of hand. Or maybe you are competing against a firm favourite, and you have had to struggle against a partisan crowd and ignore the taunts of hecklers and abusers.
In these circumstances it is tempting, when you finally prevail, to focus on your own sense of vindication. You might feel an overwhelming urge to berate your audience of detractors, sullying your victory speech with “I told you so” gloating. Hard as it is, it is always better to put these feelings behind you and focus on the positive aspects of winning, as outlined above. That way, you will earn the grudging respect of your erstwhile critics.
And finally...
Winning is delightful and nobody should begrudge winners the opportunity to celebrate with friends and supporters. But beware complacency and resting on your laurels and always remember that, in most circumstances, a victory is a stage in a journey, rather than an ultimate goal. Top athletes who reach the pinnacle of their aspirations feel driven to strive for greater and greater achievements and record-breaking wins. Politicians are also aware that even a resounding win at the polls is only the beginning of the story; the hard work starts here…
