The UK election campaign is in full swing, and we are all being subjected to a 24-hour news cycle where much of the reporting is focused on politicians. We see them meeting the public, discussing issues, announcing new policies and initiatives and being grilled by seasoned interviewers.
While some of us can remain focused on the torrents of words and information, many of us are reduced to a semi-comatose state where we are picking up on body language rather than words. These silent signals speak volumes and can undermine or reinforce political messages in myriad ways. At times like this, we are reminded of the power of silent signals, and it is worth thinking about how other people’s body language affects us and how we can improve our own physical demeanour.
We are told time and again that projecting positive physical signals is straightforward. We should stand or sit up straight, with our hands by our side. We should engage in eye contact and smile readily. We should avoid fiddling with our face or hands. But maintaining this positive stance is never as easy as it sounds because our bodies are effective communicators and, on many occasions, they are transmitting feelings of nervousness, defensiveness and boredom. They may even be giving away our own feelings of superiority and condescenscion.
Unfortunately, there are many ways in which your body can convey negative signals and speak volumes about the ways you are feeling
•Defensive
If you’re feeling disengaged, dissatisfied or unhappy you may well sit or stand with your arms folded, which is a defensive gesture. Sitting or standing at a slightly oblique angle is an eloquent way of conveying that you are not fully engaged, that you are cold shouldering the person with whom you are conversing. Frequently this stance is accompanied by a fixed or tense expression. Alternatively, you might unconsciously convey your dissatisfaction by grimaces or eye rolling.
•Bored
Feeling bored often seems to take the stuffing out of you; an upright posture rapidly becomes a slouch, and the head is downcast or propped up on an elbow. Eye contact is lost and frequently a bored person gazes fixedly at something or someone other than the offending speaker.
Most eloquent of all, there is a tendency to fidget: this could be fiddling with objects such as pens, keys or phones; or the person who is overcome by ennui begins to pick at clothing (removing fluff, examining stains, adjusting the collar and cuff). Feelings of frustration are clearly displayed by tapping or drumming fingers or eye rubbing.
•Nervous
Unfortunately, there are myriad ways in which nervousness can be conveyed, including adopting a defensive posture and fidgeting. Lack of eye contact or frequent blinking can convey anxiety. But by far the most obvious nervous gestures are associated with the hands. Try to avoid touching your own body (eg rubbing your face or neck, or fingering your earlobe), which are self-comforting gestures that clearly convey that you are suffering from anxiety. Picking at your nails or, worse still, biting them, is a nervous cliché, whilst compulsively fiddling with long hair or a beard (or collar, tie or cuffs) conveys insecurity.
•Arrogant
Negative body language is not all about insecurity; coming across as overbearing and arrogant can be equally damaging. Standing or sitting with an aggressively legs apart stance (think portraits of Henry VIII) looks domineering. Insouciantly putting your hands in your pockets can look offensively casual and condescending. Leaning backwards, with the chin tilted upwards, can look over-confident and conveys a sense of superiority. Over-expansive lordly gestures, especially if they involve emphatic pointing, will make people feel belittled. A supercilious smile is the final straw…
It is clear from the above that positive body language is focused on two main areas: facial expressions and hands. Some of us are exceedingly transparent: emotions flit across our faces and we find it difficult to conceal irritation, anger, amusement. If you are one of these easily readable people you will need to consciously focus on your face, aiming for a default expression of bland and benevolent neutrality. This can be a difficult skill to acquire.
If you are being interviewed, whether it is for a job or a broadcast, you will be scrutinised when you are listening to your interlocutor so you will need to be extra vigilant about your facial expression. Slightly nodding the head to show you understand or agree is a good way of conveying engagement with the matter in the hand but be careful not to overdo it. Leaning forwards as you listen to questions is another good way of showing that you are interested and involved.
Hands are a problem for many of us and we don’t know what we should do with them. The recommendation, especially when speaking to a group of people, is to keep them by your side, but if you find this too constrained, remember that bringing them in front of you (but not above chest level), with the palms facing outwards, is a good way of emphasising your speech whilst conveying an openness and willingness to communicate and share your ideas. Interlacing your fingers and holding your hands in front of your stomach, or in front of you on the desk/table when seated, will control wayward gestures. Steepling your fingers can convey thoughtfulness and deliberation.
Never point your finger for emphasis, avoid over expansive gestures and try to keep your upper arms close to your body, which will constrain over-exuberant hand gestures – you don’t want people’s focus on your semaphoring hands to distract them from what you are trying to communicate.
Most of us are smartphone owners, which means that we are walking around with a camera in our pockets. For many of us, compulsive photography has become second nature: to record striking or memorable sights or special occasions, to act as an aide-mémoire or form of visual record-keeping, as a means of looking up information online, and sometimes simply as a way of tracking the mundanities of everyday life. Many of our photographs form a private archive, some inevitably find their way onto social media where they reach a wider audience, attracting reactions, comments and even further dissemination.
How does our photography impact the people around us? Are we being considerate or intrusive? Is our compulsive shot-framing a major annoyance and are we invading people’s privacy? We need to formulate a new code of etiquette around photography to ensure that an innocent desire to record our lives is not turning us into crass and self-obsessed boors, who show no regard for our fellow humans.
•Be discreet
You take photographs for your own entertainment, but it is important to remember that it is not all about you. Wielding your phone as a camera does not give you the right to barge people out of the way, muscle in on private moments, or block other people’s point of view.
•Ask permission
If you’re photographing other people, whatever the context, it is always polite to ask if they’re happy for you to do so. Even if your photograph is mundane and spontaneous – a snap of a group of friends around your dinner table for example – it is always worth just clearing it with them first (“Would it be okay if I just take a couple of quick photos?”).
•Ask before sharing
Even if people are obliging about letting you take photographs, it doesn’t necessarily mean they want the images to pop up the next day, unannounced, on your social media. Just taking a few seconds to politely ask if they’d be happy for you to share the picture online will make all the difference.
•Prioritise experience over recording
Obsessively snapping and looking at your screen to assess the results is going to mean that you’re effectively disengaged from many social occasions and interactions. Your desire to get great photos will set you apart – nobody will care about your photos as much as you do and they will merely feel annoyed about your lack of participation and engagement.
Bearing all the above in mind, we’ve looked at a number of specific scenarios where photography can be problematic:
Most couples will have hired the services of a professional photographer, and you really should check beforehand if they’re happy for you to take photos as well. It is certainly sensible to refrain from taking photos during the actual ceremony, which will probably be documented by a professional photographer – apart from anything else, perpetually bobbing up and down at key moments is going to be extremely distracting and irritating for fellow guests. Some couples will be perfectly happy for you to take photos during the reception, but here the general Rules of Photography apply; this is, first and foremost, meant to be a joyous occasion, and you are privileged to be invited to join your friends in their celebrations. Becoming distracted by recording the wedding will mean your focus is on your device rather than your friends and relations, and that’s just rude.
Long-lost friends and family come together at funerals and some people feel an overwhelming temptation to record this rare event; some people even take selfies to record their own participation, which they subsequently post online. In most cases, it is entirely inappropriate to take photos at funerals, and there should be no question of doing so. Photography is extremely intrusive, it invades mourners’ privacy, and encourages subjects to pose for the camera at a time when they should be contemplating the loss of the deceased or comforting the bereaved.
Some families may request that photos be taken, or even organise professional funeral photography, and their wishes should be respected. However, it is always safest and most considerate to default to the no-photography rule.
For most of us, a restaurant is a place where we can enjoy good food, attentive service and convivial company. So, it can be intensely annoying to find yourself sitting next to a table of social media addicts who spend the entire mealtime photographing their food, and sometimes going through distracting distortions (even standing on chairs) to get that perfect shot.
It is fine to take a discreet photo of your exquisitely presented main course, as long as you do not use intrusive flash, or start rearranging the table or the furniture. If you have any anxieties about the appropriateness of doing so, just check it out with a waiter first. If you have been taking photos and you are approached and asked to stop, just do so with good grace – you are really in no position to make a fight out of it. Above all, make it snappy; the food is there to be enjoyed and your dining companions will soon lose patience if you spend ages setting up the perfect shot.
Nobody is going to appreciate a compulsive snapper at a concert or festival gig because it’s just distracting, but we all accept that most people will take a photo or two, or even a shakily shot video at some point.
Aspiring camera operators tend to hold their phones up high, blocking other spectators’ view and even distracting performers. This is particularly the case when the flash is deployed and it is worth noting that a camera’s weedy flash will contribute nothing to your photography – it’s much better to grab a shot when the onstage lighting is bright.
Accept the fact that most people will find looking at your photos and videos extremely tedious and consider living in the moment, enjoying the performance without being distracted and foregoing the urge to record your every experience for posterity.
If you must take photographs, do so for a limited period only, then put your phone away for the duration.
Check the photo policy first; many modern art galleries ban photography because they do not want people taking pictures of the artwork without consent. Or they may specifically ban flash photography because it can damage the artwork.
If you have established that it is acceptable to take photographs, your first and foremost policy is to be respectful of other visitors and not to block access to artwork or exhibits because you are spending ages setting up your shot. Do not take photos of other visitors without their consent.
If you follow all these rules, it is quite acceptable to take photos of artworks and to record information panels for future reference. Just remember: speed and discretion is of the essence.
The policy about photography can change from place to place so it is worth checking it out first. If it is allowed, be a stickler about following the rules, which may include specific restrictions on the use of flash, tripods or selfie sticks.
Above all, respect the atmosphere. Churches and cathedrals are sacred spaces for many people, who use them for worship and reflection, so it is very important that your behaviour does not intrude on their privacy. Ignoring sanctions about private areas (eg side chapels) to get a photograph will always be seen as disrespectful.
Wedding flowers fall into two categories: the bouquets and buttonholes carried or worn by the wedding party; the flowers used to decorate the church or ceremony venue and the reception venue. In both cases, the choice of flowers will conjure up a certain ambience and aesthetic and you may therefore opt to go for a unified look.
Traditionally, the groom paid for the flowers for the church and the wedding party and the bride’s parents paid for the flowers for the reception venue. The wedding party flowers comprised: a bouquet for the bride; bouquets for the bridesmaids; buttonholes for the groom, best man, fathers and ushers; a corsage for the two mothers. These days, hard and fast rules of wedding etiquette are being eroded, with couples often paying for their own wedding, so these traditional practices are not inevitably observed, and couples may choose to ring the changes when it comes to the distribution of bouquets and buttonholes.
Whatever is decided, it is worthwhile noting that wedding flowers are a venerable tradition dating back to antiquity. The Greeks and Romans carried fragrant herbs and spices to ward off bad luck and wore garlands of flowers and greenery to symbolise fertility, loyalty and fidelity. In the Middle Ages flower-bedecked weddings were essential because they masked the pungent odours of unwashed bodies and poor sanitation.
The Victorians were fascinated by the language of flowers, which provided an excellent way of conveying emotions at a time when social strictures severely curbed communication. Orange blossom, symbolic of chastity, was the flower of choice for Victorian weddings and Queen Victoria’s wedding headdress was made of real orange blossoms. A myrtle sprig, which came from a bush grown at Osborne House on the Isle of Wight (it was grown from a cutting brought from Coburg by Prince Albert), was included in her wedding bouquet and ever since it has been a Royal tradition to include myrtle in the bouquets of Royal brides.
The Bride’s Bouquet
The very best bouquets always complement the wedding dress. In general, the more elaborate the dress the plainer the bouquet should be, and vice versa. The shape of the bouquet should reflect the style of the dress and should be in proportion to the bride’s height and weight – no bride should be swamped by an overwhelming ‘statement’ bouquet. You can choose between traditional bouquet styles: the pageant (or presentation) arrangement is long-stemmed and fits in the crook or your arm – this can give a dramatic effect but will certainly restrict your movements; smaller bouquets, or nosegays, are held in both hands. It is perfectly acceptable to hold a single stem.
The flowers you choose for your bouquet should suit the general style and setting of the wedding. For example, peonies and English roses can suit the country, whereas lilies, orchids and sculptural tropical stems are more suitable for a chic city wedding. Make sure you do not find the scent of the flowers too cloying, and steer clear of anything that is too pollen heavy, which might stain clothing.
When selecting the flowers for the bouquet, keep it simple: some of the most stunning bouquets consist of only one or two types of bloom. If possible, choose flowers that are in season, which will be fresher and less expensive:
•Spring
Narcissi, Tulips, Muscari, Cherry Blossom, Lily of the Valley, Cymbidium Orchid, Honeysuckle
•Summer
Peonies, Hydrangeas, Garden Rose, Gardenia, Freesia, iris, Sweet Pea, Lavender, Cornflower
•Autumn
Alstroemeria, Dahlia, Phalaenopsis Orchid, Antique Rose, Lisianthus, Michaelmas Daisy
•Winter
Amaryllis, Snowdrop, English Arium, Velvet Rose, Mistletoe, Snowberry, Winter Jasmine
The bouquet should be held at hip height and ensure that you can get a proper grip and that is comfortable to hold and not too heavy. Most florists wrap the holding place with satin ribbon, but grosgrain is a good alternative as it is less slippery.
Traditionally the bride tosses her bouquet into the crowd after the wedding; the single woman who catches it is believed to be blessed with good luck and will be the next to marry. This custom is thought to date to the Middle Ages when it was devised as an escape strategy to stop eager spinsters touching the bride or attempting to tear off fragments of her wedding dress in the belief that they would attract good luck and a wedding proposal.
If you want to hold on to your bouquet as a keepsake, you can have a spare bouquet made especially to throw or remove a few stems to dry.
Bridesmaids’ Bouquets
Bouquets should be understated and simple, perhaps hand-tied singles or small bouquets. A basic version of the bride’s bouquet is a safe option, or the bouquet can coordinate with the bridesmaid’s dresses and the bride’s bouquet.
It is sometimes hard to get baby bridesmaids to carry flowers. So a pomander with a ribbon around it, attached to the wrist, is a safe choice for girls. Alternatively, they may enjoy carrying a small basket containing flowers or petals that reflect the bride’s bouquet.
Buttonholes
This is a single stem flower set off by foliage, worn over the buttonhole of the coat/jacket, which should match the colour scheme of the wedding flowers. Often the groom’s matches the bride’s flowers and is more elaborate (with more greenery) than the rest of the party’s. The best man’s, ushers’ and fathers’ buttonholes reflect the bridesmaids’ bouquets. A boutonnière fixing under the lapel holds the stalk in place and keeps the buttonhole upright.
Buttonholes are worn on the left-hand side of the jacket, over the heart.
Corsage
These are small sprays of flowers (two or more blooms) and foliage for the bride’s and groom’s mothers, which re worn on the right-hand side of the coat or jacket, or alternatively as a ‘bracelet’ around the wrist.
Flowers for the Ceremony Venue
Many couples will dream of decking out the venue with flowers, but the reality is that – especially in the case of civil venues – other weddings may be taking place on the same day, so a compromise must be reached. In the case of church weddings, it is wise to contact the day-to-day flower arrangers, who may be willing to help or offer advice about the most suitable places to position floral decorations. If you are given a free hand, you can opt for end-of-pew decorations as well as statement bouquets.
Flowers for the Reception
Firstly, you must check if flowers are included as part of the service; if this is the case, you will need to ensure that you have input and check that the flowers chosen coordinate with the theme and style of the wedding day.
If you are using your own florist, you will need to put them in contact with the management of the venue so that they can check when they can gain access to set up their arrangements. There are no hard and fast rules about reception flowers: in general, the more elaborate flowers are placed on the ‘top table’ (where the bride and groom sit), with smaller versions on the guests’ tables. Be wary of extravagantly large table arrangements – they will be dramatic and striking but they may make it difficult to converse across the tables or even to see the bride and groom.
Reception venues can be very large and decorating them is a daunting, and expensive, task. Going for seasonal flowers – as with the bouquets – is always likely to be a cheaper option. Or you could consider using flowering plants or shrubs in ornamental pots, which are much more substantial than bouquets, and can be re-purposed, or gifted, after the wedding.
Florists play an important role in your wedding planning, so make sure to select one well before the wedding day, as they are likely to be booked months in advance. The actual choice of flowers can be left until one or two months before the wedding and should only be made once the colour ‘themes’ of the wedding have been chosen.
Click here for Debrett's Wedding Handbook
The ongoing project to prove mobile phone coverage across the Tube network is continuing apace; about a quarter of London’s Tube line currently have mobile phone signal, with plans to provide coverage across the entire system by the end of 2025. This latest innovation will undoubtedly provide an unprecedented challenge to painstakingly constructed codes of Tube etiquette, which have gradually evolved since the first trains began to run on the Metropolitan railway in 1863.
The arrival of the tube heralded great changes in society, reflected in new manners and etiquette. The underground facilitated the movement of unchaperoned women around the city, and this caused many social challenges. People of all classes and backgrounds were forced into proximity in crowded stations. When the service was first launched underground carriages were categorised into first, second and third classes, with first class passengers enjoying spacious padded seats and carpets, while third class carriages offered wooden benches. Signs on platforms indicated where passengers should wait for their correct class carriage, but it soon became apparent that distinctions were being ignored in the great rush to board. In 1900 the class distinctions were abandoned. All classes of society, as well as mixed genders, now jostled together in uncomfortably close quarters as they hurtled at unprecedented speeds under the city of London. How would they behave?
The lack of outside distractions (in fact the first, claustrophobic, carriages to run on the system did not even have windows) provided new challenges to passengers, who became more acutely aware of themselves and their fellow passengers. There was, of course, always the risk that a passenger would catch a fellow-traveller’s eye, causing social embarrassment, or that male passengers would stare insolently and appraisingly at ladies. The Ladies’ Book of Etiquette (1875) advised ladies to “lower your veil and turn from him”, reassuring its readers that “a dignified modest reserve is the surest way to repel impertinence” and insisting that “nothing will rebuke incivility in another so surely as perfect courtesy in your own manner”.
As illumination within the carriages improved, passengers increasingly focused on reading, which was an effective way of minimising staring at fellow passengers and “minding one’s own business”. Striking up conversations was in any case impossible, as early tube travel was inordinately loud, so silent travel became the norm. As one writer to The Times explained, the early Underground was so loud that it “imposed a certain measure of silence upon its passengers, so that it is small exaggeration to rank the Underground train with libraries in West End clubs and the British Museum Reading Room as one of the few places where a newspaper may be read in comparative peace.”
Thus, two essential tenets of behaviour on the London Underground – silence and not interacting – were established early in the tube’s history. Other increasingly recognisable codes of etiquette evolved more gradually and were encouraged and disseminated by the consolidation of myriad independent railway lines into one transport authority, with its own instantly recognisable corporate branding, typography, signage, station architecture, and graphic design. Posters instructing passengers how to behave on the Underground covered a range of topics: how to enter a crowded carriage; how to disembark; where to stand inside the carriage; how to dispose of litter; how to stand on the escalators; where to wait on the platform. All these instructional posters promoted good manners, proper social conduct and consideration as a way of ensuring the efficiency of the transport system. Stations were over-croweded and trains were running at capacity, and it was argued that the orderly behaviour of passengers would ease these pressures on the network.
As far back as the 1980s, London Transport posters were pleading with passengers to wear headphones and ensure that personal stereos did not disturb fellow travellers. This campaign was the harbinger of much more serious tests to come: the era of the mobile phone.
For the last 30 years, passengers have carried mobile phones on the Underground and gradually phones have replaced books and newspapers when it comes to providing entertainment and distraction. For the most part, passengers use headphones and earbuds and do not violate the notion that tube carriages are essentially quiet places. Inevitably, listening to music or podcasts on a mobile phone allows the user to look around them, which has perhaps contributed to a new problem: the fixed stare. In 2022 TfL launched a poster against “Intrusive staring of a sexual nature” on Underground trains, part of a campaign against “common forms” of sexual harassment (upskirting, pressing, touching).
In the wake of the pandemic and the impact it had on the Underground, when essential workers found themselves travelling in nearly empty carriages, behaviour has been undergoing a gradual change, as has been happening on all forms of public transport. People have become noisier and less preoccupied about their spatial impact. A growing number of passengers are listening to messages or music on their phones without headphones, broadcasting to packed carriages of unwilling eavesdroppers. It appears that notions of the boundary between public and private space have broken down and feelings of self-consciousness and inhibition about violating that boundary are dissipating.
New-found access to a reliable mobile system on the network is only going to exacerbate these problems, and we may find ourselves subjected to an escalating cacophony of TikToks, tv shows and – worst of all – no-holds barred FaceTime calls and phone conversations, many of them taking place without the benefit of headphones. In addition, the increasing lack of barriers and inability to distinguish between public and private behaviour may mean that people are publicly viewing material on their phones that fellow-passengers might find offensive or intimidating.
No doubt, TfL – with its long history of moderating and guiding Underground behaviour – will be rolling out a series of poster campaigns addressing this very issue. But in the meantime, it is worthwhile reiterating that under no circumstances should mobile phones be used in public spaces without headphones or earbuds.
It is also vital to note that you are using your phone in an enclosed and densely populated space, where you will be observed by complete strangers. Private conversations, confidential information, inflammatory or degrading remarks or X-rated viewing does not have its place in an Underground carriage and subjecting your fellow passengers to this behaviour is not only inconsiderate, it is provocative.
Several of Europe’s most historic and beautiful cities have been in the news recently because of issues they are experiencing with tourism. Venice has started to charge a €5 daily entrance fee for day trippers (not popular amongst some residents who feel their city is being turned into a Disney-style theme park), while Amsterdam continues its fight against the wrong sort of tourism through information campaigns and earlier closing times for bars in the red-light district.
The problems are clear for all to see: historic cities with comparatively small populations are being completely overwhelmed by growing numbers of tourists, narrow streets are thronged with crowds, bars are open into the early hours creating a noise nuisance for city centre residents. Cities that were once considered ultra-civilised and liveable are becoming intolerable and everyday life is being disrupted. The economic benefits of mass tourism are undisputed but the capacity of many of these cities to absorb ever-growing numbers of tourists is severely limited.
Whilst many city authorities are now being forced to look at ways of controlling and regulating the influx, we’ve taken a look at ways in which visitors can help the situation:
1. Respect the Residents
This blindingly obvious advice is all too frequently ignored. It means taking your eyes off the maps, the app on your phone or your tour guide and observing the people around you. Are you blocking the street to resident pedestrians? Have you stood stock still to get a good photograph, causing a pile-up behind you? Are you in any way causing an obstruction or hindrance?
Don’t pile, mob-handed, into small neighbourhood shops; remember that these are facilities for local residents, not tourist attractions, and wait until there is a hiatus before exploring, preferably in small groups. No resident should ever feel shut out of their grocery store or delicatessen by a horde of non-purchasing gawpers.
Ask yourself, are you transgressing territorial rules in some way? – sitting on a private doorstep or taking endless photographs of an inner courtyard garden or front door is highly invasive. Nobody would dispute that public streets, parks and buildings are open to all, but it is important to acknowledge the fact that substantial parts of the city are not accessible and should be left well alone.
Remember, complimenting residents on the beauty of their city, asking advice about local delicacies, expressing delight about local produce or customs, are all good ways of showing the positive face of tourism.
2. Forget the Bucket List Mentality
For many tourists, a city break is distilled into a “hit list” of top attractions. These must be duly visited, photographed and ticked off the list. Some visitors approach this project with fanatical single-mindedness, which can easily translate into boorish and entitled behaviour.
Residents, who are well aware of the cultural richness of their city, may well find the obsessive pursuit of the world-famous masterpiece is somewhat insulting: for example, the Mona Lisa or Michelangelo’s David are rightly celebrated, but Paris and Florence hold so many more treasures that should be explored, appreciated and enjoyed.
Residents will be gratified by visitors who seek to truly understand the heritage of their city, who are delighted by the quirky and obscure as well as celebrating the cultural show-stoppers. The “been there, done that” mentality is relentlessly superficial; we all want to feel that our cherished heritage is worth more than a quick selfie or a boastful post on social media.
3. Read the Local Culture
You may well have gone to a foreign city for a riotous stag or hen weekend, but you must ensure that you restrict your rowdier antics to areas where locals go to party, rather than importing your drunken cheer to quiet residential streets and neighbourhood bars where your behaviour will be found seriously disruptive.
It is true that many cities cater for all types of tourists, ranging from culture vultures to night owls, but it is up to you to be sensitive to your environment and to ensure that you are respecting local customs and not transgressing in any way. As a visitor, you should not be imposing your own behaviour on your hosts; you should be adapting your behaviour to the cultural norms you are encountering.
If you are visiting a city with a specific agenda, do your research beforehand, and ensure that you have chosen an appropriate destination – a Renaissance jewel, revered for its art galleries, museums and exquisite restaurants, is hardly a suitable venue for a weekend of raucous partying.
4. Minimise your Physical Impact
Huge influxes of visitors will inevitably take their toll on the fabric of a historic city. In many cities, water sources are under stress, and endless showers and demands for clean towels from tourists are exacerbating an already critical situation. It is helpful to be aware of these issues and to take steps to curb any tendencies towards profligate wastefulness.
Litter is another major issue: tourists generate vast amounts of detritus, and many city authorities are finding it hard to cope with all that extra rubbish. Always be mindful of what you are leaving behind: ensure that all litter is properly disposed of, including cigarette butts and chewing gum (a real blight on pristine historic paving). If you are eating outside, ensure that paper napkins are anchored under plates, so they do not create wind-blown litter.
Always remember that noise carries at night, especially in narrow, building-lined streets. Even if you are simply returning to your hotel after a dinner out, your conversation may well be clearly audible to sleeping residents, so do your best to keep your voice down and minimise noise pollution. Wheelie suitcases can make a deafening clatter on cobblestones or uneven pavements, so if you’re arriving or departing late at night consider carrying your suitcase whenever possible.
5. Mind Your Manners
Are you being impeccably polite in all your interactions with residents? If you approach someone for help or directions, you should always say excuse me and politely inquire whether they speak English, rather than boorishly launching into your own language without showing any respect for theirs. Note: talking loudly and slowly in your own language in the mistaken belief that it will somehow become magically comprehensible is not only bad manners, it is also extremely stupid. Always thank residents effusively for any help they offer. Never make entitled demands, only ever make polite requests. Acknowledge that you are a guest, and that it is a privilege to be able to share their beautiful living space.
Always be respectful of older residents; give up seats on public transport and don’t hog benches in public spaces and parks. Acknowledging that they take priority will make them feel much less besieged and intimidated by growing numbers of visitors.
With the launch of the third season of Bridgerton, our attention is turned once again to all things Regency.
We have once again been looking at Regency etiquette guides, in particular The Mirror of All Graces, written by a “Lady of Distinction” and published in 1811. This is a Guide for young ladies, which takes a detailed look at fashions, female beauty, carriage and demeanour and deportment, and even drills down to the details of corsetry and recipes for face creams, lip salves and “wash for the hair”. It is a curious mixture of repressive moralisation and gushing effusion, and while it undoubtedly contains plenty of useful information, we can only feel sorry for the young ladies who had to conform to such complex and elevated standards of self-presentation and behaviour.
The main emphasis of the authoress appears to be on the importance of young ladies recognising and maximising their natural attributes and ensuring that they are not guilty of ‘affectation’, which is to be avoided at all costs. At all times it is important that a woman’s physique is matched by her demeanour and deportment, or she may be considered ridiculous:
“The youthful and delicate-shaped girl is allowed a gaiety of air which would ill become a woman of maturer years and larger proportions; but at all times of life, when the figure is slender, a swan-like neck, and the motions are naturally swaying, for that girl, or that woman, to affect what is called a majestic air, would be as unavailing as absurd.”
Ladies of “larger proportions” might not be able to achieve the quicksilver charms of the “young nymph”, but can make up for this deficiency with elegance and dignity:
“The woman whose figure bears nature’s own stamp of majesty, is generally of a stately make; her person is squarer, and has more of embonpoint than the foregoing. The very muscles of her neck are so formed as to show their adaptation to an erect posture. There is a sort of loftiness in the natural movement of her head, in the high swell of her expansive bosom. The step of this woman should be grave and firm: her motions few and commanding; and the carriage of her head and person erect and steady.”
Of course, there is always a risk that this commanding demeanour will lapse into haughtiness and an air of “undue consequence” which, instead of charming all and sundry, fills onlookers with a desire to “pull her at once from her throne”.
But what of ladies of “no determined character”, who do not fit into these two narrowly defined categories? They are urged to adopt their demeanour to fit the class of woman they most resemble, with the proviso that “a too faint copy of a model is better than an overcharged one.” As always, young ladies are urged towards moderation:
“By falling easily into the degree of undulating grace, or the dignified demeanour which suits your character, you merely put on the robe which nature designed, and the habit will be fit and becoming.”
Good deportment is yet another art that must be acquired and displayed at all times. The Lady roundly condemns the tendency to over-insist on an erect and upright posture, which can turn young ladies into stiff, soldier-like marionettes. She argues instead that ladies should display the ease and pliancy of dancers, which will ensure that their posture and gait is elegant, and that there is no slouching and slumping:
“Many of the naturally most pleasing parts of the female shape have I seen assume an appearance absolutely disgusting; and all form an outré air, vulgar manners, or hoydening postures. The bosom, which should be prominent, by a lounging attitude, sinks into slovenly flatness, rounding the back, and projecting the shoulders!”
The Lady finishes her treatise by concluding that these outward attributes form only a small part of the young lady’s appeal:
“While I exhort you to preserve your persons in comeliness, to array yourselves in elegance and sweet attractive grace, I would not lead you to believe, that these are all your charms…. Woman must, in every respect, and at all times, regard her form as a secondary object; her mind is the point of her first attention; it is the strength of her power.”
Much is being demanded of the young ladies of Regency times. They must identify and exploit their natural attributes, maintain an appropriate demeanour and ensure that their gait and carriage is always elegant and graceful. Having achieved all these outward charms, they must also manage to project a good mind and fine sensibility, as it is “deemed laudable in woman to collect into herself all the innocent advantages, mentally and corporeally, which may render her most admirable and precious in the eyes of him who may be, or is, her husband.” This is the crux of the matter: all the advice that must be heeded is to secure one end, an advantageous match.
Young ladies are advised to “ever hold a reserve on certain subjects” when conversing with men of “all ranks and relations” that would not apply when in the company of their own sex. Discretion and a sense of propriety is of paramount importance. To social inferiors they must “ever preserve a gracious condescension”. Finally, “to her equals, particularly of the male sex, her manners must never lose sight of a dignity sufficient to remind them that she expects respect will be joined with probable intimacy.” Only then will the young lady show herself to be worthy of a gentleman’s respect:
“The present familiarity between the sexes is both shocking to delicacy, and to the interests of women. Woman is now treated by the generality of men with a freedom that levels her with the commonest and most vulgar objects of their amusements…When any man, who is not privileged by the right of friendship or of kindred, to address her with an air of affection, attempts to take her hand, let her withdraw it immediately, with an air so declarative of displeasure, that he shall not presume to repeat the offence.”
A handshake was seen as unpardonably intimate in the Regency era, where the customary greeting was a discreet bow of the head or, when meeting someone of a notably higher social class, a curtsey.
It is very hard from our 21st-century perspective to appreciate what a delicate and precarious path young ladies of the ton were forced to tread during the Regency era. They had to be ever mindful of their appearance, carriage and deportment and aware that they were being scrutinised by exacting harridans like the “Lady of Distinction” and found wanting. But they also had to be acutely sensitive to the fact that a pleasing appearance was never going to be enough; they also had to be entertaining but discreet conversationalists and tactful diplomats, alive to the nuances of social class, mindful of their dignity, paragons of discretion and ever guarded against the risk of being treated with a demeaning lack of respect.
Top: Thomas Lawrence, Portrait of Caroline Matilda Sotheron, 1808
It is understandable that all your anxieties about the wedding come to a head in the hours before the ceremony commences. Months of planning and, inevitably, a substantial financial investment will have gone into your wedding day plans. Whether you are organising a quiet civil ceremony or a very traditional white wedding, complete with church service, you will inevitably experience jitters on the morning of the event.
Ideally, you should be able to savour the time leading up to the ceremony and enjoy the company of your parents and closest friends as you prepare yourself for your big day. Drawing up a wedding morning checklist may seem over-organised, but it will pay dividends, ensuring that everyone knows what they have to do, how long it will take, and how to deal with contingencies.
Traditionally, the bride and groom would spend the night before the wedding apart. If you decide not to, you should set off early on the day of the wedding to the place where you will each be getting ready.
The bridesmaids, best man and ushers must be at each of your respective locations in plenty of time if they have not been there the night before. It is best only to have the key players around at this stage; too many people milling about makes it difficult for everyone to get ready.
Never underestimate how much there is to do, not matter how much has been organised beforehand. It is always sensible to allow extra contingency time for last-minute crises and delays.
The Bride
Plenty of time should be allocated to getting ready and ensure that you eat something, no matter how nervous you are, as you will need plenty of energy for the day ahead.
Be attentive about getting into the dress and avoid any last-minute panics over smeared make-up, mussed-up hair, or last-minute stains by doing the following:
•Put on your underwear before you have your hair and make-up done.
•The mother of the bride and bridesmaids should get dressed before the bride, so that they can focus their full attention on getting her ready. Before they do so, they should wash their hands, and even wear clean white gloves, to ensure that there are no marks left on the dress.
•The bride should dress in the following order: wedding dress; shoes; veil or headdress; jewellery. If the dress must go over the head, make you’re your face is fully covered with a scarf so as not to ruin either your make-up or the dress.
•It is best not to complete dressing more than 30 minutes before departure, which will minimise any disturbance to the outfit – don’t sit down, which will cause crumpling. Allow plenty of time for getting into the dress, which is likely to have complicated fastenings.
•While you are waiting, fully dressed, for your departure, take a few moments to compose yourself – a sip of champagne will help to calm wedding day nerves.
•By now the wedding bouquets for the bridal party will have arrived, so you will be able to have a last-minute check of the full outfit in the mirror before you depart.
The Groom’s Party
While getting dressed is a less drawn-out procedure for the men, they should still allow plenty of time to avoid unnecessary panic. It is traditional for the groom, best man and ushers to meet for breakfast or lunch before going to the church or ceremony venue.
They should check beforehand that all the components of their suit are ready, and that they have all the necessary accessories, such as cufflinks and tie pins.
The best man and groom should have a final run-through of their speeches (separately) if required.
The best man should reconfirm that all the cars and taxis will arrive on time and know where they are going. He should check buttonholes have arrived, verify that he has the rings and gather any cards, emails or messages that are to be read out at the reception.
Once the buttonholes have arrived, defer pinning them until everyone is ready to depart; the less they are handled, the fresher they will look.
There are various items that the groom, best man and chief bridesmaid need to remember to take with them on the big day.
•Chief Bridesmaid
It is her job to carry everything that the bride will need over the course of the day, including make-up for touch-ups, in a small, elegant handbag.
She should ensure that she has a mobile phone so that she can contact the best man if necessary and be a point of contact for the bridal party. She should check beforehand that she has all the necessary numbers and ensure that the phone is muted for the ceremony.
If required, the bride’s overnight bag, handbag and other essentials for the following day can be left at the reception venue in advance. If the newly married couple are leaving for their honeymoon straight from the venue, then the bridesmaid should ensure that the luggage has been desposited at the venue.
All the bridesmaids should also leave everything the might need over the course of the day at the reception venue, such as a change of shoes camera and a wrap or shawl – they should be totally unencumbered for the ceremony.
•The Groom
The groom will need a mobile phone (muted) and his speech notes. Presents for the bridesmaids, car keys (if needed) and an overnight bag/honeymoon luggage can all be left at the reception the day beforehand.
He can also arrange for flowers for the mothers to be delivered to the reception venue that morning.
•The Best Man
The best man will need the rings, his mobile phone, speech notes, spare cash and enough money to cover church fees (where appropriate) and final payments for relevant suppliers.
He should ensure that the numbers of all the transport providers (hired cars, taxis etc) are stored on his phone and should check that he has all the relevant contact numbers for the rest of the wedding party, the caterers and so on.
It is a good idea to bring a fountain pen for signing the register.
It is important that everybody involved arrives at the ceremony in good time. There is a fine line between arriving too early and nervously waiting around and having to rush there to be on time. Here are some suggested timings:
•Ushers: 45 minutes before
•Best man and groom: 30-45 minutes before
•Guests: Up to 30 minutes before
•Grooms’ parents: 15 minutes before
•Mother of bride and bridesmaids: ten minutes before
•Bride and father: five minutes before*
*The notion that the bride should arrive “fashionably late” is the stuff of dramatic films and fiction, but in reality, it is extremely inconsiderate, both the to the groom (who has an agonising and nervous wait at the altar) and to the guests, who will be getting bored and restless. We have suggested building a 5-minute “safety zone” into the timings; if the bride and her father arrive with five minutes in hand, this is a useful period in which she can check on her hair and make-up and, with the assistance of the bridesmaids, arrange her dress and bouquet and take some deep, calming breaths before making her entrance.
Click here for Debrett’s Wedding Handbook
We’ve probably all experienced the stab of disappointment that comes with a digital birthday card (fleeting, generic, redolent of a laziness or perhaps a last-minute panic). A perfunctory birthday greeting sent by text is equally unsatisfying – it acknowledges the special day, but absolutely no effort has been made. All these options are, of course, preferable to completely forgetting to send any greeting at all.
A physical card is so much more satisfying than these digital options. For the recipient there is the feeling of anticipation when the envelope drops through the letterbox, often a flash of colour and individuality (especially if the address is handwritten) amongst the boring bills and circulars. Opening the card and appreciating the choice that has been made has its own pleasures, whilst the handwritten message inside, even if it is short and sweet, is evocative of the individual – over the years we come to recognise the handwriting of our friends and relations and that familiarity speaks volumes. We know that the sender has gone to some trouble: they have noted the date, selected the card, handwritten the message, found the address, purchased a stamp and posted the card. All these actions are implicitly understood when the card is opened and add greatly to its value. It is a simple demonstration of how investing time and imagination into a gesture reaps a reward.
Senders also experience benefits from this process. They may very well enjoy the process of choosing a suitable card and penning a personal message. When they pop the card into the postbox they will enjoy a gratifying buzz of self-commendation: they know full well that their gesture will be appreciated and that the small amount of effort required will speak volumes about the sense of attachment and loyalty felt towards the recipient. It is a thoroughly satisfying social transaction for both parties.
So why is this valuable gesture being eroded? The first stumbling block is remembering important birthdays. Traditionally, we all had our own ways of recording these dates: the most organised amongst us invested in a special ‘birthday book’; others annotated the addresses of friends and family with the all-important date; others transferred key birthdays into their diaries at the beginning of each year. These record-keeping practices will be seen as many people as increasingly antiquated. They may make a digital record of all-important birthdays or, more dangerously, come to rely on social networking sites to remind them of upcoming birthdays.
Once you rely entirely on technology as your aide-mémoire, you may be exposing yourself to glitches. Rather like the satnavs that send hapless drivers down blind alleys, social media can give users the illusion that everything is under control, tempting them to forfeit any sense of personal responsibility. Firstly, and most importantly, these sites only send out birthday reminders on the actual day – far too late for a timely birthday card. Also bear in mind that these sites can malfunction: you might have inadvertently turned notifications off; you might have problems with internet connectivity; you might need to update the app; your friend might have hidden their birthday notifications from you. If you depend on the site to notify you of upcoming birthdays you may well find yourself sending belated apologies or having to deal with friends or family who are upset by your apparent negligence. Explaining that you didn’t receive a birthday notification really isn’t an adequate excuse: it highlights the fact that you’re not investing much energy in remembering the all-important date and that you’re relying on technology. It is therefore a much better idea to opt for an analogue means of remembering.
Where do you keep your addresses? Are they stored digitally on your laptop? Are they buried deep in your WhatsApp messages, only retrievable after much digging? Are they kept in an address book? Are they jotted down in a random selection of notebooks/old diaries or preserved on old envelopes?
It is easy to see why an up-to-date digital address book is an attractive and orderly option. But you should countenance the possibility that you might have a computer disaster, a hard disk failure, or an unexpected loss of data. Of course, these contingencies can be dealt with by making back-up copies or storing data in the cloud, but you will have to be meticulous about safeguarding your data.
Many of us go through our entire adult lives with a battered, battle-scarred address book. These wonderful volumes not only serve the function of storing our addresses they are also a testimony to previous jobs, earlier relationships, failed or enduring friendships. They record itinerant friends, whose addresses have multiplied over the years, and bear testament to friends or relations who have stayed put. Scouring these books for an address is a tantalising exercise in nostalgia and (sometimes) amnesia – when we encounter names and addresses of passing acquaintances that have disappeared entirely from our lives.
Some of us will eschew this journey down memory lane as mere indulgence, and will renew address books at regular intervals, re-entering details of friends who have stood the test of time and eradicating extraneous information.
Whatever method you choose to employ, it is always a good idea to find an accessible method for storing addresses (and birth dates). Whether you take the risk of relying on digital reminders, or diligently populate your diary with significant dates to remember, sending a birthday card is always a worthwhile effort. And, of course, when it comes to your own birthday you will no doubt appreciate the reciprocal cards that pile up on your doormat and populate your mantlepiece – a very tangible reminder that you have not been forgotten.
Hosting a drinks party can be a hazardous affair. Your guests may not behave according to your script, and you might find that you’re forced to deal with dilemmas such as rowdy behaviour, gate-crashers and outraged neighbours. Plan ahead and you should be able to negotiate these problems with a cool head.
If you’re a liberal host and the drink flows freely at your parties, you will have to accept that you’re running the risk of acquiring some guests who are well over the limit. Follow these recommendations:
•Always have a list of taxi and mini-cab numbers close at hand.
•Observe signs of impending drunkenness carefully. Don’t intervene in a heavy-handed way (“I think you’ve had enough”). Just steer the guest to a quiet corner and attempt to ply him/her to drink some strong black coffee and stodgy food. You might even suggest that they lie down for an hour or two.
•If your guest has reached the stage of maudlin introspection, verbal (or even physical) aggression, or neediness and over-emotionalism, the fun is over. Take executive action and order a taxi. When it arrives announce decisively “Oh look, your taxi’s arrived”.
•Ignore any protests from the guests about not having ordered the taxi, just propel them firmly towards it. If they’re drunk enough, they may even assume that they’re suffering from a momentary memory lapse.
•Don’t berate drunk guests while they’re still intoxicated – they won’t remember and you’re wasting your energy. Concentrate instead on removing them safely from the party.
•If you’ve got a belligerent drunk who’s insisting on driving home, you may have to resort to desperate measures – hiding coats and car keys, blocking their car in, or even – as a last resort – plying him/her with an incredibly strong, unconsciousness-inducing ‘last drink’. It’s better to have a drunk guest sleeping it off on your sofa than to hear news of a terrible accident the following morning.
•If your guest has the good manners to apologise for their behaviour after the party, be gracious. Don’t belabour them with agonising tales of their transgressions, simply thank them politely. Making an ostensibly sympathetic remark like “I hope you didn’t have too terrible a hangover?”, is a good way of recognising the extent of the intoxication without launching into a reproach. Drinkers, take note!
•If you identify a guest who you suspect is a gatecrasher, ask around and make sure that none of your other guests know who they are before taking any steps. A guest may have brought a friend without clearing it with you – this is inconsiderate, but you’ll have to live with it. Marching up to an innocent plus one, who has been assured by your guest that they will be welcome, and demanding that they leave is an embarrassing faux-pas.
•You can avoid this potential minefield by specifying on invitations whether your guests can bring friends/partners.
•If your uninvited guest has no party connections, you should approach him/her and explain that this is an invitation-only party. Ask them politely if they have perhaps made a mistake and are looking for another location? This normally causes embarrassment and instant retreat.
•If your gatecrasher decides to brazen it out, you must decide whether you’re prepared to accept the intrusion (perhaps they look interesting or amusing – but this is a risky strategy). If not, you should ask them, firmly and politely, to leave. A repeated refusal to do so means that you will have to call the police, and you should make it clear to your gatecrasher that you’re prepared to do so.
•It is essential that you warn your neighbours when you are planning a party. Do so a few days before the date, just in case they want to make escape plans.
•Whenever possible, invite neighbours along to your parties – it’s much harder to feel outraged when you’re on the inside looking out and it’s a good way of consolidating friendships with neighbours.
•As the host, it is your job to be vigilant throughout the party; that means keeping an eye on your guests, noise levels, disturbances in the street, and intervening swiftly to head off any potential problems with neighbours.
•Before the party begins, make a decision about a reasonable time to quieten down. Remember that after midnight, many neighbours will feel entitled to complain (in fact, local councils define the hours between 11pm and 7am as the period when warning notices can be issued), so it might be a good idea to stop playing loud music before midnight. Once you’ve made your decision, tell your guests about it and stick to it. It’s easy to get swept away by the bonhomie of the occasion, so it’s a good idea to ask a couple of friends to keep an eye on the clock and remind you of your resolve.
•It’s quite acceptable to specify a finishing time on your invitations. Unless you are at a hired venue and you are being booted out at the appointed hour this ‘end time’ will never be a hard and fast rule, but it is at least an indication of your expectations.
•If guests stay on into the early hours, try and ensure that goodbyes and final chats take place within your house – not in the drive or on the street. Remind guests that it’s late and you don’t want to disturb the neighbours.
•If a neighbour comes round to complain, listen politely, apologise and turn down the music. No ifs, no buts. Noise disputes between neighbours can very quickly turn ugly and you do not want to be trapped in a tit-for-tat noise war.
•If you’re aware that your party has caused a commotion in the street, or if guests have argued with neighbours or been rude to them, it is imperative that you apologise as soon as possible (preferably the next morning). A bunch of flowers or a bottle of wine, accompanied by an apologetic card, should go some way towards easing any post-party tensions.
Vacillation, the tendency to hover between choices, unable to decide, can be crippling. On a mundane level it may mean that everyday choices (Which brand of coffee should I buy? Which sandwich filling should I choose? Which route should I take home?) are exhaustingly drawn out. But it is a characteristic that can have more profound impact.
Your own indecisiveness may feel detrimental to you, but you can also be sure that it will be causing your friends and family no end of frustration. An entrenched tendency to vacillate may very well come across as bad manners. If your friend invites you to a party or an outing and you cannot decide whether to commit, they will be left hanging, unsure of your plans and, what is worse, suspicious that you’re weighing up a better offer. We all know that, when we extend an invitation of any kind, a decisive and enthusiastic affirmative (or, failing that, a prompt and polite refusal) is the optimal response – we can plan accordingly and know where we stand. Waiting for a vacillator to decide feels very disempowering: we feel that we have handed over agency to them and have been placed in the role of a supplicant, who is waiting for them to hand down their judgement. Frustration can easily turn into irritation, or even a resolve not to repeat the experience.
Vacillation can be associated with ghosting – the withdrawal from all contact with a friend or romantic partner. The vacillator may find themselves stuck in a quagmire of hesitancy about whether to consolidate a relationship by responding positively to a date or invitation and end up procrastinating. When procrastination has been stretched to its limits it becomes embarrassing to resuscitate the contact, which is then ignored. In this way, delaying a resolution becomes a de facto decision: opportunities and possibilities are disregarded and eventually wither away.
If a tendency to vacillate can cause frustration amongst your social circle, it will certainly do real damage to your professional reputation. In most workplaces the ability to act decisively is highly valued. It is, of course, important to weigh up options and to understand the issues involved before coming to a decision, but if this process is hopelessly attenuated, or if you waver indecisively between different options, your professionalism will come into question. Decisiveness is associated with a bracing sense of self-confidence; vacillation looks weak and tentative. An ability to act decisively is always sought in managers and team leaders; vacillators ultimately become energy-sappers, sucking their colleagues into an endless cycle of hypothesising and procrastination.
In many professional situations vacillation is not tolerated. If you are offered a job or a change of role and ask for time to consider your acceptance, your request will be met with only limited tolerance. Wavering too long over your decision will be seen as a bad sign, and frequently the offer will be withdrawn. Once again, the inability to act decisively is seen as a de facto decision not to engage; opportunities are lost, and challenges remain untested.
If you recognise that you have a tendency to vacillate, a resistance to committing, or a penchant for procrastination, try the following:
•Resist hypotheticals
A lot of indecision is rooted in hypothetical thinking. When faced with a choice, your mind immediately goes into “what if?” mode. You find yourself trapped in a range of options, alternatives, hypothetical scenarios, which all work against making a simple decision, especially as you often envisage negative outcomes. You need to boil decisions down to an “either/or” question and eliminate the extraneous chatter.
•Resist perfectionism
You may find it hard to make decisions because you want your judgment to be 100 per cent correct, and you cannot countenance the possibility that you might make a mistake or misjudgement. It is important to remind yourself that every decision has room for error and that you cannot eliminate the risks.
•Recognise the dangers of vacillation
Prevaricating for too long effectively means that opportunities and possibilities inevitably dissipate. Making no decision (or delaying unreasonably) is often making the worst decision of all – very few good things in life occur because we fail to get off the fence.
•Understand the risks of vacillation
If you are paralysed over a challenging decision, weigh up the risks that you will incur with each option. You might understand that, even if the decision is not perfect, acting positively and decisively will do more good than harm. Remember that most wrong decisions are not irrevocable.
•Take responsibility
Don’t hide behind your vacillation. If a decision needs to be made, don’t assume that someone else will bear the burden; accept that sometimes the choice is yours, and yours alone, to make. Decisively taking charge is a real confidence booster.
•Take small steps
Think about your tendency to vacillate and start to remedy it through small steps. Observe your own behaviour in shops, bars and restaurants and set yourself the challenge of making decisive choices on an everyday level. Resolve to make firm, and prompt, commitments to social invitations. Not only will you be alleviating friends’ and colleagues’ frustration with your indecisiveness, you will also be training yourself into a more resolute mindset, which will pay dividends when you are asked to make really important choices.
