No two social gatherings are ever the same, and even with an identical venue, refreshment and music, no party can ever be recreated. Atmosphere is an elusive commodity, and it falls on the shoulders of the host to create the right conditions for bonhomie to flourish. We take a look at six easy ways to ensure an at-home drinks party goes with a swing.
1. Work the Guest List
Don’t focus on a single group or clique – introduce new blood. Invite friends from different social circles and ask them to bring friends or partners. Ensure that everyone at your party will be given the chance to meet someone new. It is these new connections that will make your party memorable, widening social circles and providing opportunities for new friendships to prosper.
2. Let the Invitation do the Talking
Make the nature of the event crystal clear in the invitation. If you’re just ringing around or emailing, people will assume the event is informal. If you’re sending out printed invitations, pay special attention to the design and typography. It would be unforgivably pretentious, and very misleading, to issue a formal invitation to a party where guests will be bringing their own bottles, basic food is served straight from the oven, and dancing is to your own home-compiled CD.
Don’t leave anything to chance – if you have a specific dress code in mind, state it on the invitation (even if it’s just a general directive – e.g. ‘party frocks’ – rather than a specific dress code).
Make it clear if you’re serving food – Buffet, Canapés, Light Supper etc. You can also specify an end time if you don’t want the event to drag on.
3. Get the Mood Right…
Dress up your rooms with striking flower arrangements and pay careful attention to the lighting. Use lamps and fairy lights, or light candles – but make sure they’re safely tucked away. Designate a room where guests can leave their coats – you don’t want your hallway to become overwhelmed with coats and it’s important to ensure that movement between rooms is unrestricted. If you’ve got helpers (eg your children and their friends) you could make one of them responsible for taking coats upstairs, or into another unused room, and leaving them on a spare bed or sofa.
Your party may turn into a wild bacchanalia, but certainly at the start music (if used) should be subtle and non-challenging, and don’t turn up the volume so that guests are fighting to make themselves heard.
If possible, create ‘quiet rooms’ away from the maelstrom, where guests can withdraw for gentle conversation and comfortable seating.
4. Let the Drink Flow…
Make sure that your bar (or drinks table) is in an easily accessible location. You don’t want a frustrating bottleneck, with guests trying desperately to reach the elusive booze.
If you’ve using serving staff (or even your kids and their teenage friends) make sure you brief them clearly before the event and that they are instructed to never leave a glass empty…
Calculate (generously) how much alcohol per head and over-supply. A party that runs dry is an irredeemable social failure.
If possible, keep stocks of white wine, sparkling wine and champagne chilled in the fridge; if there’s no room use ice buckets generously packed with crushed ice (buy it in bags beforehand to ensure that you don’t run out).
Provide interesting non-alcoholic alternatives: elderflower cordial, ginger beer, fruit cup. Guests who are abstaining shouldn’t be condemned to a bread and water diet.
5. …And Don’t Forget the Food
It’s irresponsible to ply people with alcohol without supplying food. At it’s most basic this can be crisps, nuts, olives, and hunks of bread and cheese/ham.
More sophisticated catering can range from exquisite canapés to cooked sausages, chicken wings and meatballs or a buffet supper of cold ham, chicken, salmon and salads.
Remember, however, that this is primarily a drinks party. The more ambitious your catering the more provision you will have to make. The transition from finger food to food that requires plates (buffets or hot food) is a big step. Guests will also require cutlery and space in which they can serve themselves and eat in comfort (preferably seated). If you’re entertaining a large number of people in your home this might be overwhelming. Think carefully and plan your catering realistically.
6. Stay in Charge
You’re responsible for the party from beginning to end, and that means staying reasonably sober. You will need to have your wits about you, so that you can observe the comings and goings of your guests.
Watch out for wallflowers; if certain guests are finding it hard to mingle, it’s your job to swoop in, make introductions and indulge in social engineering. Don’t overdo your hosting duties: guests will be understandably annoyed if you keep interrupting them mid-conversation and moving them on to pastures new.
Keep your eye on supplies; monitor drink and food throughout the evening and ensure that both are flowing. The last thing you want is disconsolate guests rifling through your drinks cabinet or poking their noses into your fridge.
Do some subtle housekeeping; clear away discarded glasses and half-eaten plates of food throughout the evening. You don’t want things to get too sordid, and unobtrusive clearing will make the morning after the night before so much more palatable.
Monitor noise levels; remember your neighbours and don’t let your guests take control of the volume knob. Be wary of departing guests: you don’t want them to be hanging around on your doorstep, talking loudly and keeping the whole neighbourhood awake. If there are any signs of noisy malingering, make the effort to move guests on. Stay up until the bitter end. Send stragglers home in taxis, arrange beds for non-movers. Turns the lights out and the music off. It’s over.
The bowler-hatted, suit-wearing and brolly-wielding city gent is a British stereotype, and now the symbol of a bygone era, when respectability and conformity was highly valued. As society has evolved and become more fluid and less status-conscious, dress codes have been adapted and increasingly casual dress, even amongst city workers, has become the norm. We take a look at the history of the iconic British gent and discuss how times have changed.
It is possible to trace the evolution of this practical, hard hat to 1849 when a Norfolk-based landowner, Lord Coke, became frustrated with the impracticality of the top hats worn by his gamekeepers and turned to the hatters Lock & Co, who were based in St James Street, London. The master hat-maker Thomas Bowler devised a rounded, small-brimmed, indestructible prototype, following Lord Coke’s instructions: “It should be close fitting and snug so it won’t be knocked off by branches and won’t fly off in the wind. In addition, it should be sturdy so that if a horse steps on it, it will hold its shape. And, lastly, it should protect the gamekeeper’s head from blows, either accidental or by poacher attacks.”
This immensely practical hard hat soon spread far and wide. It was adopted by working men everywhere, from shipyard workers to train-drivers and, in the 1860s, even graced the head of Prince Albert Edward (the future Edward VII). From this point on, it was seen as an acceptable choice for gentlemen, and was widely adopted by bankers and city workers.
This was an era when a hat was de rigueur for all classes, but after the Second World War, working men began to go hatless and gradually the bowler was discarded by city workers as well, with the fashion fading entirely in the 1970s.
The lounge suit evolved from the ubiquitous frock coat in mid-19th century France, where it evolved as the ‘sacque’ coat, which was a simplified garment, cut from two basic pieces – unlike the frock coat which was made from four. It generally had three to four buttonholes (with only the top button worn fastened), was cut loose, and initially was made from linen.
This highly wearable jacket, which initially was paired with non-matching trousers, was widely adopted, especially after it was made in a wider range of wool and tweed fabrics and patterns, with matching trousers and even waistcoats. It soon became the standard uniform for anyone involved in business or the professions. When Montague Burton opened his tailoring business in Chesterfield in 1903, he ushered in a new democratic era; ready-made suits were affordable and available, and Burton’s quiet, conservative style, which eschewed loud patterns and extreme cuts, became the default choice for generations of British men.
Those who could afford to do so turned to the world-famous bespoke tailors of Savile Row, who offered a range of offerings from fully bespoke to custom (a prototype already exists, which can be adapted to the individual’s taste) to ‘bits hand-finished’ (an off-the-peg garment on which the cuffs and buttons have not been finished and can be individually specified).
Over the decades the silhouettes of suits evolved with fashion. In the late 1940s and 50s the dapper men about town of Chelsea and Mayfair sported slim-line, waisted suits that aped the fashions of the Edwardian era and were a marked contrast to the baggy cut of the ‘demob’ suits that were seen everywhere in Britain. These were part of a full set of clothing (a hat, shirts, tie, shoes and raincoat were also provided) that were handed out to British servicemen who were demobilised after the Second World War, many of which were made by none other than Montague Burton. In the 1980s, by contrast, suits were looser and more deconstructed, using lighter fabrics and dropped shoulders to drape the body.
The homogeneity of office dress was beginning to break down towards the end of the 20th century. Formal city firms introduced the concept of “dress down Fridays” and in media industries, such as publishing, journalism and broadcasting, suits were no longer indispensable. This was simply a reflection of the rise of leisure clothing and the emphasis on non-uniform individualism, which was becoming increasingly ubiquitous. The whole notion of “looking the part”, ie wearing your smartest clothes to indicate authority and competence, was being eroded.
This process, already underway, was rapidly escalated by the Covid pandemic and the working from home revolution. In short order, workers became used to the notion of dressing for comfort, or for their own pleasure, and sweatpants, hoodies, trainers, jeans, shorts and t-shirts proliferated.
Post-pandemic, many people are now participating in hybrid working and splitting their time between home and the office – the division between working life and home life is becoming more porous and dress is reflecting that. While the extreme casualness of home-work dressing (of the sweatshirt and pyjama bottom variety) is still considered inappropriate in all but private circumstances, and that includes video calls, there has been a marked change in expectations.
Unsurprisingly, the men’s suits market in the UK collapsed during the pandemic, dropping from £460 million in annual expenditure in 2017 to £157 million in 2020. While it is beginning to climb back from the Covid depths, most retailers of ready-made suits are focusing on smart separates: jackets, chinos, loafers and open-necked shirts are rapidly becoming the new ‘uniform’ for office workers.
Obviously, there are certain sectors where this is not the case, for example the legal profession, banking, politics. Some retail banks have experimented with a “smart casual” uniform for public-facing staff, but there is some resistance to this sort of experimentation. This would appear to be because many people still associate a smart suit with authority and professionalism – qualities they seek in people who are managing their money or legal affairs, or indeed broadcasting their nightly news. By the same token politicians, who seek a mandate from the voting public and are anxious to be viewed with respect, tend to wear suits when attending the Parliament, or appearing on television interviews. If they want to elicit feelings of friendliness and identification in the general public, they tend to discard their formal suits and opt for casual clothes, which they hope will advertise their ordinariness.
Many men will don a suit to attend an important interview (though it is always wise to check out the company culture first or you might cut an anomalous figure). They will certainly wear suits if called upon to attend a court of law or public hearing, where the wearing of a suit is seen as a mark of respect for the due process. Smart suits are still worn for weddings and funerals and “Lounge suits” may be specified as a dress code for smart, semi-formal social events.
Undoubtedly, suits are still an important part of most men’s wardrobes, but for many men they have ceased to be an item of everyday apparel, worn with clockwork regularity on all but the most casual of occasions. The human tide of bowler-hatted workers that ebbed and flowed in and out of the city on a daily basis has long dried up, leaving a much less predictable, and prescriptive, social landscape.
The flat racing season runs from April to October and takes place at a total of 59 racecourses throughout the UK. It starts this year, as is traditional, with the meeting at Haydock Park in Merseyside in late April.
As the name implies, flat racing involves a headlong dash along a level field, with no obstacles. It is the ultimate test of the speed and stamina of the horse, as well as the consummate skill of the jockey, who must ‘read’ the racecourse, constantly assess the competition, and make an accurate judgement about how to pace his horse throughout.
Races are run over distances from five furlongs (0.6 miles) to over two miles and are tailored to the age, gender or ability of the horse. The most famous flat races are the ‘Classics’, which are restricted to three-year-old colts and fillies and run over different distances: the 1000 Guineas at Newmarket; the 2000 Guineas at Newmarket; the Oaks at Epsom Downs; the Derby at Epsom Downs; the St Leger at Doncaster. When it comes to pomp and prestige, Royal Ascot, in June, is the pinnacle of the flat racing season.
You’ll enjoy your trip to the horse races all the more if you’re appropriately dressed, well-informed and know what to expect and how to behave. And remember, a hearty picnic will set up yourself and your guests for the long afternoon ahead.
In 2023 The Jockey Club announced that formal dress codes at its 15 racecourses would no longer be in place, in a bid to make racing more inclusive and accessible. Dress codes still apply at many racecourses, which means racegoers will be turned away if they’re inappropriately dressed, so it is wise to check guidance online before attending. Even when dress codes they are not compulsory most racegoers enjoy making an effort and see dressing up as an integral part of the day.
A day at the races is a special occasion and you should dress smartly. Men should wear a suit, or jacket, in both cases with a tie. Ladies should choose a smart dress or suit (steer clear of miniskirts, halter necks and spaghetti straps). It’s fine to wear trouser suits (or a matching top and trousers). Remember there will be a lot of standing around, some of it on uneven ground, so toe-pinching stilettos might not be the best choice.
The flat racing season extends from spring to autumn so – given the vagaries of British weather – it is quite likely that racegoers will have to contend with torrential downpours and chilly, overcast days. Take the weather into consideration: there is nothing worse than shivering in a skimpy summer frock in a biting east wind. Plan for contingencies: bring a smart pashmina or jacket to avoid goose pimples and equip yourself with an umbrella (you can always leave it in the car).
Racing events provide an ideal opportunity to wear a stylish hat. Many gentleman race-goers opt for a panama hat, which sets off a light linen suit.
Ladies can indulge in more extravagant headwear – especially on ladies’ days (specially designated days at certain race meetings) when flights of fantasy are positively encouraged. Just remember that a huge cartwheel creation may look stunning but is a hazard to everyone around you: kissing other hat-wearers leads to disastrous collisions and you may irritate other racegoers by blocking their view.
If you can’t afford to lose the money, don’t bet, and remember that being a sore loser will only spoil the day for your companions; many people will find your inability to mask your disappointment gauche and embarrassing. Try and accept both wins and losses with equanimity – gloating about your astonishing good fortune is never a good look.
If you do happen to have a lucky win, spread the good will and largesse around. Buy drinks for your companions and revel in the opportunity to display your generosity. Quietly secreting your winnings and keeping a low profile will not endear you to your friends.
Most racecourses offer a large range of restaurants and eating choices. It is also considered traditional to bring your own picnic.
Picnics are often taken at the car before the first race. If you’re in charge it’s best to keep it simple – salmon, ham, pâté and fresh bread, a classic Quiche Lorraine, potato salad (try adding capers, chopped mint and minced anchovies) with a bowl of salad (bring your vinaigrette in a screwtop jar). A coolbox of wine, beer and soft drinks will get your racing party going with a swing.
This hearty fare should set your guests up for a long afternoon of racing thrills and the inevitable visits to the bar.
Make sure that all your guests are well supplied with form guides and have every opportunity to sit down, relax and enjoy the refreshments on offer – an afternoon at the races can be very tiring.
Pace yourself and moderate alcohol intake with water, soft drinks and snacks.
Backing one or two horses to place will, in the long run, not offer you the same returns as betting on three or four horses to win. Avoid outsiders, but if the going is heavy, form generally means nothing – an outsider can be worth a punt. Study the form guides and look for a horse that has improved gradually. Listen to betting shop and trackside chatter and keep an eye on any horse that is being well backed. Most importantly, set yourself a betting limit and stick to it.
Familiarise yourself with betting jargon below and you’ll feel more confident about placing that all-important bet. Before the advent of mobile phones, bookmakers used to communicate the odds of certain horses each other using ‘tic-tac’, a complex sign language, which is fast disappearing. Even without the impenetrable hand gestures, bookies are quick-witted, knowledgeable fast-talkers, so it’s good to be prepared.
Accumulator Bet: a bet involving more than one horse/race. Each winning selection then goes on to the next horse (bet). All selections must be successful to win any money back.
Backed in: a horse on which lots of bets have been placed, the result being a decrease in the odds offered.
Banker: a safe bet; a strong favourite
Beeswax: Rhyming slang for tax.
Bismarck: a favourite that bookmakers expect to lose.
Book: a record of the bets made on a particular race or other sporting event.
Double: a bet on two selections, both of which must win.
Drifter: a horse whose odds get bigger just before the race due to a lack of support in the market. Often referred to as being ‘on the drift’.
Maiden: a horse that is yet to win a victory.
Monkey: £500
Each-way: a bet where half the total stake is for the selection to win, and half is for the selection to be placed (usually in the first three).
Evens/Even money: a price of 1-1 when your stake brings equal winnings e.g. £10 staked at evens wins £10 (total return £20).
Forecast: a bet where the aim is to select both the winner and runner-up in a race.
In-running betting: betting on the outcome of a race during the race itself, rather than beforehand.
On the nose: betting on a horse to win only, as opposed to backing it each way.
Pony: £25
Rock cake: a small bet.
Score: £20
Shortening odds: bookmaker’s reduction of the odds on a particular horse.
Short price: low odds, meaning a punter will get little return for their initial outlay.
Single: the simplest and most popular bet, normally a win bet on one horse in one race.
Stake: the amount of the bet placed.
Starting price (SP): the final odds prevailing at the time the race starts.
Straight forecast: a bet where the aim is to select both the winner and runner-up
in the correct order.
Ton: £100
23rd April is Shakespeare’s birthday, and we are celebrating the day by looking at some of the bard’s most famous advice about how to behave. In Hamlet Polonius, the chief counsellor to the king, is depicted as conniving, scheming, lacking self-knowledge and something of a windbag. But despite these character deficiencies his speech to his son Laertes (Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3), who is about to embark on a trip to France, contains many pearls of wisdom which have become precepts that are part of the English language. We’ve taken a look at Polonius’s advice about manners and behaviour and find that it still holds true today:
“Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportioned thought his act.”
•Think before you speak or act.
This advice is as pertinent as ever today when impulsiveness is aided and abetted by the instantaneous speed of virtual communication. Unfortunately, social media communications are frequently taking place within an isolated, de-contextualised space, removed from the mediating judgment of other people, which can mean that all too often we act on impulse. If we are angry, upset or outraged we are far more likely to communicate impulsively, without stopping to think about consequences. In the heat of the moment, we lose our ability to pause, think empathetically about our ‘victim’ or target, logically examine how our remark will make them feel, assess the magnitude of any potential fallout.
“Be though familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch’d, unfledged comrade.”
•Value true friendship and intimacy and don’t be beguiled by casual acquaintances.
Taking intimacy for granted is a sure-fire way to estrange; slapping your new boss on the back on your first day may well have you relegated to the post-room. If familiarity breeds contempt, over-familiarity propagates pure bile. Over-familiarity often masks, at best, off-putting insecurities and, far worse, a real idleness – investing in true friendship requires energy and commitment and there are no short cuts.
Developing a meaningful friendship involves listening attentively, offering unstinting support, being unfailingly loyal while knowing when lines must be drawn. Above all, friendships need to be nurtured. Don’t be endlessly side-tracked by the attractions of novelty – you will get the reputation of being a hopeless social butterfly, who has no integrity or staying power.
“Beware of entrance to a quarrel, but being in,
Bear’t that the opposed may beware of thee.”
•Don’t be quick to pick a fight, but once you’re in one, hold your own.
In Shakespeare’s day picking a fight could be fatal (see Romeo & Juliet). In an era when young men swaggered around the streets, pumped up with their own machismo and in possession of lethal swords and daggers, a minor brawl could soon turn murderous.
While this is no longer likely, conflict is part of everyday life, especially online, where violent arguments break out with depressing regularity. Before you enter the fray, whether it is a virtual spat or a volatile post-dinner argument, think carefully about your point of view and only enter arguments where you hold strongly held opinions; don’t merely jump into a dispute for the sake of it. Once you are involved in an argument, hold your ground and aim – if no resolution can be reached – to disagree agreeably. That means listening carefully to the opposing point of view, conceding points that are indefensible, immediately acknowledging if you have made a mistake, and recognising that the other person’s view is valid. You will be seen as a force to be reckoned with and respected.
“Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice.
Take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgement.”
•Listen to many people but talk to a few.
Listening is not about merely waiting to see your piece while someone else talks. There is a skill in listening that goes beyond the ability to remember every detail for future reference. Concentrate on what is being said and maintain eye contact; listening while glancing occasionally at your phone is obviously not good enough. Listening can often tell you far more than you merely hear – whether it’s the latest gossip at work, your child confiding something important to you, or your aged parent casually mentioning a trip to the doctor. Don’t block out these precious insights with your own heedless chatter… Finally, listen with discernment: it is always sensible to canvas other people’s opinions, but it is wise to reserve your own judgement until you have thought carefully about the matter in hand.
“Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express’d in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man…”
•Always wear the best clothes you can afford.
It is foolish to squander limited resources on fancy outfits, but it is imperative to try and look the best you can within the limits and constraints of your budget. Clothes say a great deal about the individual: not only do they reflect comparative wealth and good taste (or the lack of it). They are also an invaluable way of projecting an image to the world – sleek professional, elegant man or woman of leisure, intriguing bohemian, perpetual student. Sometimes their very anonymity speaks volumes about lack of self-confidence or feelings of mediocrity. Never make the mistake of thinking that clothes don’t matter; that would be naïve. At the very least, the fact that you have evidently made an effort with your appearance is a universal sign of respect, and vital in any situation where you are being judged or assessed.
“Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.”
•Lending can jeopardise friendships, while borrowing can create the delusion of wealth.
Lending often taints friendship and changes its parameters. If a friend asks you to lend them something, they are effectively asking you how much you like and trust them. You are then placed in a difficult position. You may secretly like them a little less for asking and may be forced to say no for practical reasons (if you can’t afford to lend them money for instance). Saying no for any other reason effectively means that you don’t trust them.
Ask yourself if agreeing to a loan is encouraging or enabling irresponsible behaviour. It is likely that the person you are dealing with is not a good money-manager, and lending them money forces you into a position where you are monitoring their expenditure, hyper-aware of extravagance, puzzled by sudden shortfalls. Do you want to have that role in their lives? Whenever possible, it is more liberating to give rather than lend, if possible as it is within your control to limit or expand the gift, squash the sense of obligation and move on.
Borrowing can seriously upset the balance of a relationship. If you must borrow money from someone you know, you can manage the situation by spelling out your eagerness to settle the debt, for example by setting up a standing order the very day of the loan. Bear in mind that if one friend is always “short of change” or seems to have permanently “forgotten my debit card” then they will gradually erode trust. The lender will begin to feel irritated, and their irritability will be considerably compounded by a feeling of pettiness (who quibbles over a cup of coffee or a bus fare?). But that is the trouble with borrowing and lending: its impact is cumulative and eventually, if the transaction is always one-sided, it can cause fractures in friendships because one friend is always the hapless giver and the other is a remorseless taker.
“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
•Be true to yourself and you won’t be false to anybody else.
This precept about integrity and self-knowledge has gained fresh currency in an era when the virtual world gives us endless scope for self-invention, delusional claims and outrageous fabrications. Whether we are on an online dating site or ‘curating’ our own persona social media, it can be extremely tempting to tweak and enhance mundane reality. Ultimately, embroidering the truth will not survive the scrutiny of the real world and will simply engender a lack of trust and a tendency to feel suspicious amongst other people.
Symbolic of celebration and success, champagne never fails to get the party started. Whether it’s a few romantic glasses à deux, or dozens of bottles for a party, there is a right way and a wrong way to serve a bottle of fizz.
It is rumoured that a monk, Dom Pérignon, in the village of Hautvillers in the Champagne region, first invented champagne in 1668. Only champagne made from the Champagne region in northern France is allowed to be labelled ‘champagne’.
Champagne is made from a combination of Chardonnay, Pinot Noir and Pinot Meunier grapes. Méthode Champenoise – the method used to make champagne – is the process of creating the bubbles. A solution of sugar and yeast is added to wine to create a second in-bottle fermentation.
Champagne is governed by numerous exacting rules that aim to maintain the highest standards, including: the wine must only come from the Champagne region, the vines must be grown and pruned in a specific way and the grapes must be picked by hand.
Vintage champagne comes from the crop of a single year. A vintage bottle, therefore, always has a date on the label. A champagne house will only produce vintage champagne from very good years and will typically release it after about six years. Non-vintage (NV) champagne is blended from the crop of different years; there is therefore no date on the label. It can be varied in quality but there are many very good non-vintage champagnes available.
Ideally, bottles of champagne should be stored horizontally, but it is more tolerant of vertical storage than wine. Find a dry, dark place with a consistent, cool temperature. Non-vintage champagne is generally released for immediate drinking rather than cellaring, so don’t hesitate before popping the cork…
•Ensure that the bottle hasn’t been shaken.
•Peel off the foil from over metal cage covering the cork.
•Make sure the bottle is pointing away from you, companions and valuables.
•Remove metal cage over the cork.
•Hold the cork in one hand and the bottle in the other.
•Smoothly twist the bottle (not the cork) so that the cork comes out gently.
•Aim for a sigh not a pop
Resist the temptation to shake the bottle to create an explosive opening – it is criminal to waste good champagne, even if you are celebrating, and considered much better etiquette to ease out the cork as quietly and unobtrusively as possible. Popping a cork can be dangerous: the pressure inside a champagne bottle can launch a cork at an alarming speed of 13 metres per second.
Champagne should be served chilled (optimum temperature is about 7°C), and glasses must be scrupulously clean – even the most minuscule remains of washing-up liquid can cause the champagne to lose its fizz. The sign of a good champagne is a consistent stream of small bubbles, that create a light froth around the edge of the surface, called the ‘mousse’.
Pick up the glass by the stem and tilt it to a 45-degree angle. As you gently pour the champagne ensure that it touches the side of the glass to prevent foam and excessive bubbles forming. Stop once you have poured approximately one inch into the glass and wait for any foam to subside. Resume pouring until the glass is half full, or to the widest point in the glass. You should never fill a champagne glass to the rim; you need space to allow the aroma to release in the glass.
Champagne coupes (or ‘saucers’) were the original champagne glasses, which became very popular in England in the early 19th century. They are broad, with a shallow bowl, and a short, elegant stem. It is rumoured that the shape of the bowl was modelled on the breast of the ill-fated French Queen, Marie-Antoinette (other contenders include Madame de Pompadour); these stories are almost certainly apocryphal. These glasses are the best way of allowing flavours to develop and displaying the effervescence of the champagne, but the fizz will dissipate more easily because of the larger surface area.
Champagne ‘flutes’ first began to appear in the 1920s and have become the default contemporary choice. They are tall, slender and elegant, and designed to preserve the flavour and carbonation of the wine.
Tulip glasses began to appear in the 1930s and offer an excellent compromise. Similar in design to the flute, they have a broader, rounder middle and a narrow top, which helps to funnel the aromas which develop inside the wider bowl towards the nose and ensures that the bubbles do not escape.
In all cases, the glass should be held by the pinching the top of the stem between your thumb and forefinger which ensures that your hands do not warm the champagne.
•Kir Royale
Add one measure of crème de cassis (blackcurrant liqueur) into a flute and then top with champagne. Garnish with a fresh blackberry or raspberries.
•Peach Bellini
Add approximately one finger’s depth of peach purée to a flute and then top with champagne. A slice of fresh peach makes the perfect garnish.
•Mimosa
Also known as a Buck’s Fizz, this is a combination of champagne and orange juice. It’s a refreshing drink, popular at brunch, that can be mixed to your taste.
Recent research into table manners has caused something of a storm. Findings seem to indicate that 60 per cent of Generation Z (12–27-year-olds) believe ‘traditional’ table manners are no longer relevant; other age groups are not far behind, with 54 per cent believing manners are outdated.
High-ranking irritants include chewing loudly, using the phone at the table, taking food off other people’s plates and including pets at the dining table, yet many of those polled admitted that they answered calls and texts at dinner. ‘Old-fashioned’ pleas to keep elbows off the table or wait until everyone is served before starting to eat, were seen as increasingly pointless. Respondents felt that good food and good conversation were the main priority.
“The etiquette of the dinner-table should be mastered by all who aspire to the entrée of good society. Ease, savoir-faire, and good breeding are nowhere more indispensable than at the dinner-table, and the absence of them is nowhere more apparent. How to eat soup and what to do with a cherry-stone are weighty considerations when taken as the index of social status; and it is not too much to say, that a young woman who elected to take claret with her fish or eat peas with her knife would justly risk the punishment of being banished from good society.”
Dunbar’s Complete Handbook of Etiquette, 1884
The unwavering Victorian supposition that a guest who is lacking the myriad refinements of table manners considered to be indispensable is therefore unworthy of “good society” and hence seen as something of a social outcast now sounds irredeemably old-fashioned. The ideal of impeccable table manners has gradually evaporated over the intervening century and table manners today are very much a reflection of a more relaxed and democratic society.
It is certainly no longer a guarantee of social death to use the wrong fork, tilt the plate in the wrong direction or hold a wine glass by the bowl. It would be wrong to conclude, however, that table manners have effectively disappeared – they are still important.
Our manners are to some extent being moulded by a change in our diet. The Victorians did not have to contend with the vast range of foods that we now consume; pizzas, bowls of ramen, sushi, and so on all present different dining challenges. Many of us are adept users of chopsticks and use our fingers to eat pizza or mop up curry sauce with naan bread. We use upturned forks on their own to eat rice dishes. We have adopted dining manners from different cuisines, and in many cases, it is a practical option to do so.
It was notable, even in a survey that highlighted a growing disregard for table manners, that certain behaviour was still considered irritating, and a half of the Gen Z respondents admitted that they had recently been ‘unsatisfied’ with fellow-diners’ etiquette. Bad table manners apparently still have the power to offend.
While it would certainly be rare today for a child to be schooled in the various functions of different cutlery, accepted practices for napkin-wielding, cruet-usage and finger-bowl deployment, basic table manners (see below) are certainly still a social skill that should be taught to young children and will stand them in good stead in adulthood.
The aim of good table manners is not to cause offence to your fellow diners. You should appear to be someone who is enjoying the meal as a social, as well as a gastronomic occasion, so you should do your best not to appear greedy or voracious. If your table manners are noticeable, it is generally a bad sign (unless, of course, your etiquette is outstandingly impeccable).
So, the focus should be on the following:
•Put your phone away and mute it.
Don’t look at it until the meal is finished. Try and accept that a shared meal is about face-to-face socialising, which must be prioritised, and curb any compulsion to keep checking your phone.
•Try and sit up straight and try and keep your elbows off the table when you’re eating
Many respondents to the survey felt that this advice was increasingly irrelevant, but it is simply positive body language to look alert and upright when you’re eating, rather than slouching and sprawling across the table, which looks like you can’t be bothered.
•Look after other people before you help yourself
This means passing serving dishes, condiments, butter, water, and so on. Never stretch across other people to reach a plate, always politely ask for it to be passed to you. If you follow this advice, you will never look greedy or self-obsessed.
•Wait for other diners
As a general rule, do not start before everyone has been served, so look around and take a lead from others. An exception may be if it is a large party and the host asks people to start, as the food may get cold. Or you may find that service is staggered in a restaurant; just ask “do you mind if I start?”.
•Never eat with your mouth open or talk with your mouth full
It is fine to carry on eating during a conversation – if you’ve just taken a mouthful when someone asks you a question, you can just nod, indicate your mouth is full and wait a few moments before speaking.
•Never eat audibly
Try to avoid making noises of any kind while eating, either with implements against the plate or teeth, or with the actual ingestion of the food, such as slurping soup. Avoid washing mouthfuls of food down with noisy gulps of water.
•Pace yourself
Try not to bolt your food, which looks greedy and unappreciative, and match your pace with fellow-diners.
•Don’t double-dip
There are dishes where dipping is part of the way of eating the food, such as satay or crudités. Never bite the vegetable and then re-dip – many people will see double-dipping as unhygienic.
•Polite refusals
If you’re offered an unwanted second helping a simple “no thank you” covers most situations. There’s no need to say “I’m full” – if you want to soften your refusal a compliment such as “that was delicious” will go a long way.
Top: Dinner at Haddo House, 1884, by Alfred Edward Emslie (d. 1918)
To be offered the role of best man (or woman, which is a non-traditional and increasingly popular choice) is a great compliment and if you are ask you should feel deeply flattered. But bear in mind that it is an important undertaking, which requires organisational skills, reliability, charm and deep reserves of tact and diplomacy. If you feel you are deficient in these qualities, think carefully about making the commitment to take on the role.
It is the job of the groom to warn potential best men of any sensitivities or difficult family situations when he first asks him to take on the role. If the best man understands that he may be walking on eggshells he will be better able to make an informed decision about accepting the role.
The fundamental requirement of the role is for the best man to ensure discreetly and efficiently that everything is running to plan. If there is a crisis or a mishap, or if things don’t run smoothly to plan, he will be the first point of contact.
It may be helpful for potential best men to understand all the possible ramifications and requirements of the role. The best man is referred to throughout, but all these points would be equally applicable to a best woman:
•Organise a stag night or weekend, preferably several weeks before the wedding day to ensure that the groom is not incapacitated on the big day. This can be quite a major organisational undertaking. In the first instance, the best man must make an informed choice about what activities/destinations would best suit the groom. He will then need to assemble a guest list and enter on the complex, and possibly drawn-out task of ensuring that the guests’ diaries align. He will need to create a detailed budget for proceedings, and costs – which should be fully explained – will be shared equally amongst the guests. Moreover, he will have to organise proceedings (booking a hotel or restaurant, organising flights for a European city break etc).
•If ushers are going to be used, it is the best man’s responsibility to liaise with them and ensure that they have the correct clothes and an understanding of their duties on the day.
•It is traditional for the best man to meet up with the parents of both the bride and groom, as well as the bridesmaids, before the day.
•It is imperative that the best man visits the venues for both the ceremony and the reception, assesses any potential problems or complications, and is familiar with them.
•He must also attend the rehearsal.
•Conventionally, the best man stayed with the groom on the night before the wedding. This is by no means a hard and fast rule, but even if he stays elsewhere, he must ensure that he is with the groom bright and early, ready to check that he has everything he needs (eg rings) and is not suffering from last-minute panic or nerves.
•He is expected to accompany the groom to the ceremony venue, ensuring that he arrives at least 45 minutes before the start of the proceedings. Good timekeeping is of the essence throughout the day.
•On arrival at the venue, it is wise to check that reserved seating for the bride’s and groom’s families has been correctly allocated (remembering to include parents of baby bridesmaids and pageboys).
•As the guests begin to arrive, he may find it congenial to stand outside with the ushers and welcome them. It is his job to keep an eye on the seating of the guests (even if ushers are actually showing guests to their seats) so that he can avert any potential problems.
•He should be sure to take up his position next to the groom before the arrival of the bride.
•During the ceremony he may be required to hand over the rings at the critical moment. He will certainly be required to join the bridal party in the vestry (in a church), or at the register for the signing of the marriage certificate. At the end of the ceremony, he will accompany the chief bridesmaid down the aisle immediately behind the bride and groom.
•Once outside the ceremony venue, it is his job to oversee the whole process of photography, if necessary liaising with the photographer and helping him/her to organise the bridal party for the formal photographs, as well as rallying all the guests together for group shots.
•Once photographs have been completed, he must then usher the newly-married couple to the wedding car if the reception is taking place in a different venue. He must then ensure that the rest of the wedding party have all been guided to the correct cars and, if necessary, offer advice and directions to the rest of the guests.
•At this point he should call the caterers to notify them that everyone is on their way to the reception.
•On arriving at the venue, he should act very much like a co-host. The bride and groom may be feeling overcome by proceedings and are likely to find hosting duties onerous, so it is the job of the best man and chief bridesmaid to circulate amongst the guests, making introductions, and ensuring that everyone is catered for (eg looking after elderly relatives and parents with young children).
•The big moment of the day is the delivery of his speech: for many best man candidates this is a daunting ordeal. Click here to see our advice on best man’s speeches.
•Towards the end of proceedings, depending on the honeymoon plans of the couple, he may have to ensure that luggage and travel documents have all been loaded into the appropriate going-away car. If there is an appetite to decorate the car, then he should supervise the proceedings (usually enthusiastically undertaken by ushers and bridesmaids).
•He will need to stay to the end of the reception, ensuring that all the guests have found their way to cars, hotels or taxis, and sorting out any last-minute glitches.
This list of a best man’s duties covers the main areas of responsibility, and of course will be shaped by the style of the wedding, the number of guests, the complexity of family relationships, the scope and ambition of the celebrations. Suffice to say, the best man’s role on the big day is pivotal and should never be undertaken lightly.
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When somebody comes to your home or office, it is a basic tenet of hospitality to offer them a drink (tea, coffee, glass of water etc). This is a fundamental social transaction, which has very long antecedents. The obligation to offer hospitality to travellers and strangers was a simple act of humanity at a time when journeys were long and hazardous and facilities for travellers were severely limited or non-existent. It was seen as a moral obligation, and it went without saying that visitors would be paid the same compliment.
It may seem an obvious gesture, when someone comes to your house, to offer them a cup of tea or a glass of water as soon as they arrive – it signals that they are welcome in your home in the clearest possible way – but it is all too often forgotten. In the flurry of arrivals, especially if the visitor is unexpected, some of us overlook this gesture, creating an awkward hiatus, which may make visitors feel as if they are imposing on hosts. Make it a rule to always do the following when visitors, whether they are expected or unexpected, comes to your home:
•Open the door wide to indicate they are welcome – no peeping defensively around a barely open door.
•Usher them over the threshold and take their coats – this signals that you are expecting them to stay, and you are not going to hustle them away.
•Make sure that they are comfortably seated – all too often, hosts and visitors stand awkwardly in the hallway, creating an uncomfortable feeling of transitoriness. Guests will interpret this limbo as a signal that the host does not really want them to stay.
•Once they are seated, offer them drinks – in the UK the offer of a cup of tea is a universal failsafe, and these days it is the norm to also offer an alternative of coffee. If guests have turned up in the late afternoon/early evening an alcoholic beverage (eg a glass of wine) is a suitable alternative.
Guests should also seal the deal by accepting offers of drinks if possible. Even if they have no interest in tea or coffee, just asking for a glass of water will reassure the host and give them something to proffer.
Some people are inveterate fans of the “pop-in”, when they ring on your doorbell on the off-chance that you’re in. This is often the way in which neighbours interact, especially if there is a pressing issue (rubbish collections, tree surgery, fallen fences etc) that needs to be addressed.
If you are just popping in, decide whether your visit is a brief and business-like transaction or an actual social visit. If it is the former, announce it at the outset: “I won’t come in, I just wanted to ask you about the recycling bins”. Stick to your agenda and don’t loiter awkwardly on the doorstep.
If it is the latter, react positively when you are invited in, but check first: “are you sure now is a good time? I’m not inconveniencing you?” etc. Be alert to any signs of hesitation on the part of your host and downgrade your visit (“I’ll just come in for five minutes”) accordingly. Politely refuse offers of drinks and stick to your promise – keep an eye on the clock and don’t outstay your welcome.
Many people will come to your home who are not friends or neighbours: builders, gardeners, broadband engineers, electricians, plumbers. Make it a simple rule that, if their visit is going to last longer than five or ten minutes, you politely offer them a drink. In many cases they will refuse, but they will certainly appreciate the offer.
If you have builders in the house for the long haul, you may feel that you are on permanent tea duty. Try and grin and bear it, as your hospitality may well reap rewards; the builders will be better disposed towards you and might go the extra mile.
These simple rules of welcome hospitality apply to offices as well as homes. If somebody comes to your office, whether they are an important client, a colleague or an interview candidate, it is always a good idea to offer them a drink on arrival, show them to a seat and take their coat. This social transaction will make visitors feel welcome, will break the ice and may well build trust.
Some offices formalise these hospitality arrangements. For example, they make drink-offering part of the reception teams’ duties, or they request that PAs and office juniors are responsible for hospitality. However, offering and making drinks doesn’t need to be about asserting an office hierarchy: in more democratic environments, colleagues are cooperative and will offer to make drinks when one of their co-workers is “hosting”, allowing them to focus on the visitor, rather than the kettle.
When Debrett’s first started publishing in the 18th century, etiquette codes were complex and prescriptive. Knowledge of how to behave was a precious social asset, a passport to the most elevated drawing rooms in the land and a guarantee of respectable social status. Etiquette guides were widely distributed to young ladies and gentlemen as they stood on the brink of adulthood, and they were advised to take careful note of the advice they contained.
To deviate from these codified norms of behaviour guaranteed standing out for all the wrong reasons: an inability to recognise complex conventions of respect to elders and betters, a display of ineptitude at the dining table, a risqué anecdote or an over-bold demeanour could all condemn a social aspirant to calumny. Once the pillars of society had identified these transgressions, perpetrators became social outcasts, who were not invited to the best homes and, most damagingly of all, were not allowed to marry into the best families.
Our society has changed in so many fundamental ways. While the remnants of these codes of behaviour still exist, they are for the most part seen as dispensable, only to respected and adhered to on the most formal of occasions. Ignorance of such arcane knowledge is no longer a form of social suicide: formal manners can be acquired if necessary and, if they are lacking, nobody will be roundly condemned for their deficiency. When once a code of good behaviour was wielded as a weapon designed to protect the upper classes, wrapping them in a bubble of respect and ritual, good manners are now seen as a much more pragmatic asset, which is open to all comers.
Debrett’s first published the A to Z of Modern Manners in 2008, largely as a response to the ways in which society was obviously changing. A new digital age had dawned and we were all trying to come to grips with a range of new challenges, from mobile phones and online dating to civil partnerships and plastic surgery. At the same time, we wrestled with all too familiar etiquette minefields, from chivalry and christenings to oysters and port etiquette.
Over the intervening years, the entries have changed with the times. We have become less transfixed by conventional dilemmas (challenging foods, confusing cutlery, rituals such as christenings, traditional wording of invitations), though we still do our best to address pressing questions of ‘good form’ (how to tie a bow tie, what you should wear to a funeral). In addition, we find ourselves increasingly looking at the way in which changing times impact on behaviour, constantly throwing up new etiquette challenges.
In 2008 we would not have considered addressing topics such as ghosting, humblebragging or virtue signalling. But all these behaviours have emerged from a world of instant communication and social media, where lives are lived online and we have learnt to curate, and safeguard, our own digital personas.
Our methods of communication have changed immeasurably: not only do we all have mobile phones, but the way we use these handy devices has changed fundamentally over the last decade. We tend to eschew phone calls in favour of texts, we enjoy group chats, and increasingly ignore voicemails. We are riveted by our phones, fiddle with them compulsively, even when we’re walking down the street, jeopardising other people’s safety, and causing much resentment when we seem to prefer phones over people.
We find ourselves confronted with a host of persistent social challenges, from bullying, boasting and gloating to manspreading, multitasking and oversharing. Post-Covid, we are wrestling with hybrid working and video calls and many of us have become digital nomads. Theatre and cinema audiences are becoming ever rowdier, tending to treat these public spaces much like their own homes. Even electric vehicles are bringing their own etiquette dilemmas.
Despite all these changes, there are still recognisable traits that define us, from stiff upper lips and reticence to discretion and self-deprecation. These are all familiar British characteristics, which have been eroded over the last decades, and to some extent repudiated, but they remain surprisingly resilient and have evolved in interesting ways.
We hope that the latest edition of the A-Z of Modern Manners will reflect all these transformations and provide some guidance to help us navigate our way through a volatile social landscape. We have learned that manners are no longer fixed and immutable, but are dynamic and adaptable, constantly being tested and updated to cope with fundamental changes.
Underpinning it all is a recognition that, no matter how much the trappings of social life change, the fundamentals remain the same. Good manners are about being aware of your environment, and observant about the people around you. Well-mannered people like to put others’ comfort ahead of their own, to set other people at their ease, making the world feel a more civilised, friendly and calm place. Everyday politeness is a vital ingredient in the cocktail of manners that makes the world a better place; somewhere basic survival is finessed into a more subtle pleasure.
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The British army has announced that soldiers will be allowed to wear beards, as long as they are kept neat and properly groomed. This is the last bastion of the British forces to allow facial hair: the RAF changed their policy in 2019, and beards were always allowed in the Royal Navy. The Army finally succumbed to the facial hair question after a long review; given the popularity of beards, it was probably felt that a new policy might help them to attract new recruits.
A message to troops over the Easter break stipulated that beards must be 2.5mm–25.5 long and trimmed off the cheekbones and neck. No “patchy or uneven growth” or “exaggerated colours” are allowed.
The whole beard question is closely tied up with the military. In the early 18th and early 19th centuries it was de rigueur to be clean-shaven and beards were seen as a sign of poverty. Middle- and upper-class men relied on barbers for their grooming regime, visiting a barber’s shop two or three times a week, or paying a barber to visit them in their homes. The Victorian vogue for facial hair arose when the returning heroes of the Crimean War came home with bristling moustaches, bushy side-whiskers and luxuriant beards, which instantly became a macho fashion statement. By 1860 moustaches were compulsory in the British Army and beards were frequently sported.
Beards, however, were seen as nests of bacteria and germs and a further blow was dealt in World War I, when it was discovered that facial hair prevented gas masks from forming an airtight seal. Since 1916 beards were banned (with some exceptions) by the British Army, while moustaches only were allowed in the Army, Marines and RAF.
Members of the royal family, who are expected to wear uniform on ceremonial occasions even when they are long-retired from service, did occasionally wear beards with Army, Marines and RAF uniforms (eg King Edward VII, George VI, Prince Harry), when it was an exception from the normal rules.
While it is more straightforward to look smart and well-groomed if you have no facial hair, as long as a beard is kept well trimmed it is perfectly acceptable. Use clippers to keep the beard neat and tidy and ensure that there is no hair on your neck, just on the underside of your jaw above your Adam’s apple.
Resist the temptation to treat your facial hair like topiary, and the urge to create complex beard sculptures. While they may certainly be striking, many people will find the hours clearly lavished on your facial hair an off-putting sign of vanity.
Designer stubble, which does not require the full commitment of the beard, has become hugely popular. This may well be because in the last few years the world of strait-laced offices, high-powered meetings, business lunches (and the smart appearance required) has been superseded by a more relaxed, hybrid working model, based on the virtual world of video calls. Men have become relaxed about the perceived necessity to shave every day and have chosen to shave less regularly – however, they should bear in mind that stubble requires regular maintenance, especially if they are going to be subject to the close and unforgiving scrutiny of their colleagues on regular Zoom calls. They will have to use an electric beard trimmer to define the shape of their stubble on their cheek and neck area and use a razor to eradicate stray hairs.
It goes without saying that beards must be kept spotlessly clean, so use shampoo 2-3 times a week and pat dry with a towel. Beard oil will keep your facial hair in good condition and use a beard comb on longer beards to ensure that they are neat.
Whether you’re sporting a full bushy beard or designer stubble, try not to be self-conscious about your facial hair. It is tempting to fiddle with your beard or stroke it pensively, and there is a danger that this will become a compulsive and irritating habit. Train yourself to leave your beard well alone.
