Valentine’s Day has a long history. Its origins have been traced back to the Roman celebration of Lupercalia on 15 February, a fertility festival dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture and to the mythical founders of Rome, Romulus and Remus.
This pagan rite was outlawed by early Christians by the end of the 5th century, when the pope declared 14 February St Valentine’s Day, named after a 3rd-century Roman priest who had apparently been arrested for giving aid to prisoners, fell in love with his jailer’s daughter and was subsequently martyred.
St Valentine’s Day became associated with traditions of courtly love in the Middle Ages; the first recorded ‘Valentine’ was a poem written by Charles, Duke of Orleans, after his capture at the Battle of Agincourt. It was a popular belief that 14 February was the beginning of the birds’ mating season, reinforcing the connection of this day with ideas of romance. Geoffrey Chaucer celebrated this romantic tradition in his 1375 poem The Parliament of Fowles:
“For this was Seynt on Valentine’s Day
When every foul cometh there to choose his mate.”
For centuries, the tradition was marked by the sending of handwritten notes and poems, but it was not until the early 19th century, when paper became more affordable and new printing techniques were developed, that the Valentine’s card became a phenomenon.
A decisive event in the history of Valentine’s Day was the introduction of the Penny Post on 10 January 1840. Posting mass-produced cards was now affordable and within a year, 400,000 Valentines were posted; in 1871 1.2 million Valentines were processed by the General Post Office in London. Valentines, generally sent anonymously, were a permissible way for people to express their emotions at a time when direct expressions of feeling were strictly discouraged.
Many lovers eschewed mass-produced cards and chose to make their own, using lace, ribbon, silk flowers and gold and silver appliqué. Apart from flowers (an entire ‘language’, which every Victorian would have understood), Victorian Valentines often feature churches and church spires, symbolising fidelity and honourable intentions.
The fact that these cards were sent anonymously unleashed a more sinister tendency. So called ‘vinegar Valentines’ were poisonous notes, often with appropriately grotesque illustrations, which defamed rivals, or unleashed criticism and insults at their targets.
Sending cards is not the only custom associated with Valentine’s Day. It is traditional to give flowers on 14th February, in particular red roses. Blood red has long symbolised love and passion. In Roman mythology Venus, the goddess of love, gave a red rose to Adonis, the god of love.
Chocolate owes its roots to Aztec Mexico, where it was believed to be an aphrodisiac, and chocolates are a popular Valentine’s Day gift. In the mid-19th century Cadbury’s created a heart-shaped box of chocolates, but did not patent this original idea, which was soon widely adopted.
Valentine’s Day is an opportunity for the romantically inclined to celebrate love and relationships. It is wise to be relaxed about the whole thing but take your cue from your beloved. Be wary of those who noisily deride Valentine’s Day, only to be furious when they find themselves present-less and card-less come the big day.
For the unattached, anonymous cards have their own pitfalls: you run the risk of being seen as either too feeble to come forward in person or, worse, as a stalker. Unless you are an incurable romantic – and a patient one at that – there is no need to wait for Valentine’s Day to reveal your feelings for someone.
If you are in the business of gift-giving, either be prepared to spend serious cash on beautiful flowers or opt for something more imaginative. A thoughtless offering is worse than nothing at all.
Some venues insist on offering themed menus, but unless your Valentine’s Day date expects it, restaurants are generally best avoided – the pressure can be stifling and the manufactured romance can feel somewhat tawdry.
Consider organising a cosy dinner for two at home. You can decorate the table with beautiful flowers and create a seductive ambience with well-dimmed lamps or candles. You do not have to create a complex meal; simply focus on a signature dish that you are confident you can concoct with a minimum of anxiety, and focus instead on plenty of treats – nuts and figs, chocolates and fine wine.
Whether you’re eating in a restaurant or at home, beware foods that are difficult to eat. Most people don’t look very seductive when they’re trying to manage a plate of slippery spaghetti or dissecting a bony fish. Don’t serve food that requires concentration; your focus should be on each other, not your plate.
We live in a world of moral absolutes – the healthy eater, the perfect parent, the ultra-marathon runner – all of whom lay claim to the moral high ground. For those of us stuck in the middle, it can be hard to hear anything other than the chorus of the righteous.
There are many ways to be self-righteous – about diet, about drinking or smoking, about composting or carbon footprints. At worst, self-congratulatory representations of exemplary lifestyle choices are broadcast to all and sundry, often on social media, as the epitome of virtue.
Self-righteousness manages to be both boring and enraging. It is boring because it comes from a smug cocoon of certainty, a place where intolerance and judgement thrive. There is no penetrating this complacency, because self-righteous people are blinkered and disengaged; they do not want to hear about other people’s points of views or opinions, because it will rock their boar. There is no communicating with them, no interchange of ideas, no point of connection.
Self-righteousness is also enraging because, by setting yourself up as judge and jury, you are in danger of branding yourself as a hypocrite, someone who preaches “my way or the highway”, and all too often falls at the first fence. Who hasn’t encountered the sanctimonious eco-activist, who still hops on a long-haul flight from time to time to enjoy a week in the sun? Or the self-satisfied health food fanatic, who can occasionally be seen grabbing a surreptitious burger? While, in most cases, we would find these lapses only human and feel a sense of affinity and sympathy towards the transgressor, in the case of the self-righteous offender we feel understandably resentful that we have had to submit to their boring blandishments, only to see them breaking their own rules.
Ultimately, it comes down to conviction. If you have feelings of conviction about something, are prepared to speak up about it, defend your point of view, listen to counter-arguments, offer persuasive ripostes, you will simply be seen as a person who is passionate about their beliefs and feels strongly about certain things. Provided that you are prepared to listen to other people and are not liable to dismiss them out of hand, pour scorn on their point of view, or deride them for their beliefs, you will not have fallen into the trap of self-righteousness. Indeed, if you really do listen to other people, you may find your conviction begins to erode, and you might be capable of changing your mind, watering down your stance, making concessions. Other people will feel that you are truly engaging with them and respecting them and will not feel stirrings of resentment.
But if you are not interested in hearing what other people say, if you dismiss their point of view as being quite simply ‘wrong’, then you are crossing over into self-righteous territory. This will be compounded if you associate your own views with virtue and moral superiority. It is so much easier to persuade people if you admit your own uncertainty and fallibility.
Why, even when it’s hard to find fault with its cause, is self-righteousness so unattractive – and usually so ineffective? Real conviction tends to have a softer, more persuasive voice than the shrill cry of righteousness.
If you’re tempted to be self-righteous, ask yourself whether joyless sanctimony ever charmed anyone into changing their mind.
More often, it will drive its targets into contrary wilfulness. Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of being set a good example: your ex-smoker friend pointedly waving away your smoke just makes you want to blow smoke rings in his face; the healthy diet bore who monologues relentlessly about chia seeds and gut biomes makes you want to order, and salivate over, saturated fats and carbs.
If you are intent on saving the world and everyone in it, remember that self-righteousness will get you nowhere – don’t wear your cause on your sleeve but tucked firmly away in an inside pocket. If you want to be liked and respected, climb down from your soapbox and take the time to really listen to the people around you and occasionally admit you're wrong.
Many people wear their knowledge of wine as a self-awarded badge of sophistication. There is nothing sophisticated about being a wine bore. Displays of expertise, which are intended to impress the uninitiated, are merely patronising and alienating. Keep your specialist knowledge to yourself; conversations with the sommelier should be discreet and not for general consumption. If you spot a hidden gem on the wine list, so much the better, but don’t make a song and dance about it. Your friends will soon realise you know what you’re talking about and respect your knowledge; they will defer to you when making wine choices.
Whilst wine may be multifaceted, complicated and nuanced it should not be daunting. The most seasoned wine professional would never tell you to stop enjoy something you like because of its perceived lack of sophistication. If you are new to wine or confused by it, you must find a starting point with something you like. This can act as a reference point, as an anchor even though you may eventually cut yourself free from it.
There are any number of ways in which people can become vexed by wine. First amongst these is choosing wine in a restaurant. Someone must take control of the ordering and if you are the host then there is likely expectation that you will do the honours. Indeed, as the host you might also be picking up the bill so your intervention in the wine selection process will allow you to exercise some control on expenditure.
If you find yourself in the hot seat, you can call upon the help of the professional in the room. namely the sommelier. If there is no sommelier then by all means consult the waiter, but this is a lesser guarantee of finding help. It is entirely reasonable to start by looking at price since even the most basic of restaurants will have a couple of bottles of something pricey on the list on the off-chance that the high-rollers are in town and on a spree. You can discreetly provide some expenditure guidelines to the sommelier who can then steer you in the right direction.
If you are taking the helm for the wine selection you will need to take account of what people will be eating. The sacred dogma of red wine with red meat and white with fish or chicken is not the shibboleth it once was. That said, in the absence of anything else it is a good starting point.
If the group is small and the food choices varied, then wine by the glass is a good option. Wine by the glass is generally at the lower end of the price spectrum and everyone is guaranteed to get what they want. If the group is larger, it is broadly accepted that a choice of one red wine and one white wine will hit the spot.
Once the wine is selected the next challenge might well be the tasting. You can elegantly delegate this responsibility and at the same time pay a subtle compliment to your guests by trusting them with this vital task. Remember, the tasting is simply a question of checking that the wine is not corked or gone over rather than an assessment of its quality or suitability. Wine is described as corked when it has been tainted by mould that has come from the cork. If there is a musty smell, a bit like an old dishcloth, it is corked, and another bottle should be found. If the wine is from a screw topped bottle, then corking is not an issue and there is little harm in skipping the tasting altogether.
If called upon to taste the wine, just swirl it around the glass, give it a sniff and take a small sip. Don’t be intimidated by those self-proclaimed experts who demand to know which flavours you can detect. Simply pronounce it delicious and avoid the question – at least you haven’t fallen into the trap of making a boring exhibition of your ignorance.
Most wine is served at the table from the bottle – make it known to the waiter how regularly you would like glasses refreshed. Only a very few wines really need to be decanted and these tend to be the fuller (darker, richer) reds. The decanting process allows some of the less desirable aromas that accumulate in the anaerobic environment of the sealed bottle to drift-off. Thirty minutes in a decanter is usually enough.
Opening a wine and letting it breathe in the bottle is wholly pointless and achieves nothing. Opening wine and letting it sit in the bottle is sometimes done at large events for one of two reasons. Ostensibly it is to speed the serving of drinks. Cynics would argue it allows the event organiser to bill for more wine and then give the opened bottles to the serving staff in lieu of proper wages.
Red wine should be served at 17–18°C (63°F), the temperature of a cool room. Fine white wine only needs 20 minutes in the fridge; too much chilling will hide the complexity of a good wine. It’s best, however, to chill cheaper bottles of white right down.
A wine glass should be only filled one third full; it is better to underfill, rather than overfill, a glass. Reds should be served in a large glass with a bigger bowl to release the bouquet. Whites are served in a smaller, narrower glass that should always be held by the stem to avoid warming the wine. Always make sure you keep your guests’ glasses topped-up. Whether hosting or not, it is bad form to top up you own glass without offering wine to others first.
It is always a good idea to keep a decent bottle of red and white (chilled) on stand-by at home in case guests drop by. If you have space, it is great to have something sparkling available for impromptu celebrations.
If you are invited to dinner at someone’ house and bring a bottle of wine as a gift, remember it is not inevitable that the hosts will open it on night. The hosts may well have the wine organised and they can enjoy your bottle another time. When presented with a bottle by a friend or guest it is a good idea to fix a note to it so that when you do drink it, be it days, weeks or months later, you can send a message of thanks.
They’re super-convenient, an expensive indulgence for some, and a necessity late at night when alcohol consumption makes driving dangerous. We all take taxis at one time or another and we’re all aware that taking a taxi means interacting with the driver. Whether you choose a chatty interaction on your ride home or opt to tune out and commune silently with your phone, you will need to observe the social niceties at the beginning and end of the journey.
Whether you request a nearby taxi via an app or book a minicar in advance of your journey, try not to keep your driver waiting once he or she arrives.
If you are hailing a taxi from the street, wait until you see one with its light on, ie available for hire, then lift your arm and lean out from the pavement to get the driver’s attention. Tell the driver your destination before getting in – the driver might not be willing to take you there. At your destination, get out and pay the driver through the front window. The going rate for tipping is at least ten per cent.
We all know that London black cabdrivers pride themselves on “the knowledge”, a topographical test of their London know-how, which involves an impressive input of time and commitment. They know the streets of London like the back of their hand and are masters of their routes, so you can relax and let them take charge. In other cabs you cannot rely on the drivers to have a similar level of expertise, but you should still resist the urge to micro-manage the route: most taxi services now use GPS to determine the quickest way to your destination.
Keep the taxi tidy and leave no litter behind. Thank him or her when they drop you off at your destination and don’t slam the door when you get out.
Many taxi apps now include the option to tip your driver, and will usually suggest an amount. It is fair to add a tip to your fare if you have had a positive experience. Similarly, leave your driver a good review if appropriate.
You should always be polite when you first get into a cab you should offer a polite greeting and a smile – no piling into the cab without any preliminary greetings and no brusque commands. Similarly at the end of the ride, wish the driver a good day/night and smile agreeably.
If you are in a cab where you’re sitting at the front next to the driver, it is probably advisable to indulge in some small talk. You are sitting close to each other, and it is strained and unnatural to conduct the whole journey in silence. Most cab drivers will initiate conversation in these circumstances; if they don’t, you can offer a remark (eg “Have you had a busy night?”) and see if they pick it up.
If you’re sitting in the back of a cab – and especially if there is a partition between you and the driver, you do not need to initiate conversation and you should follow the driver’s lead. Most taxi drivers will observe if you immediately get out your phone or appear to be self-contained and won’t start a conversation. But, if they pick up on the fact that your friendly and amenable, they might want to talk, and it is only polite to do so.
If they get it wrong and start speaking to you when you really don’t want to talk, try to convey that fact by answering politely, but in a way that closes the conversation down. If, for example the driver asks “Did you have a good night?” you can reply “Yes, thank you” (which doesn’t lead to further chat) or, for example, “Yes thanks – we’ve just been to the new Chinese restaurant in the High Street and it was absolutely delicious” (you are handing back new information, which is an invitation to continue the conversation).
If you are having a conversation, it is probably safest to stick to safe small talk topics: the weather, the traffic, general observations about the city you are passing through and so on. It is best to steer clear of politics, or to – for example – comment on news items that you hear on the driver’s radio. You really have no idea about your driver’s political beliefs, and you might encounter a point of view that you regard as indefensible – the last thing you want is an impassioned row on the cab ride home.
If you do encounter a driver who freely gives voice to views that you find intolerable, the best option is not to get into an argument, but simply to shut him down. So, say something repressive like: “I’m afraid I really don’t agree with you there, so let’s leave that topic well alone.” This should effectively silence the driver, and you can reinforce your message by looking intently at your phone.
If you get into the back of cab with friends, the general assumption is that – unless you initiate contact or enlist the driver’s opinion – you will not engage with the driver. Most drivers will tend to stay discreetly silent when they have more than one passenger in the back of the cab.
•Greet the driver politely at the beginning and end of the journey and say thank you when you get out.
•Follow the drivers’ lead and answer politely if the driver initiates contact.
•Keep conversation light-hearted and bland, avoiding contentious topics.
•If you’re sitting next to the driver, don’t ignore him/her; accept that conversation is expected.
•If the conversation gets heated, don’t rise to the bait. Try and shut the conversation down.
• Never ignore the driver; if you don’t want to talk, give him/her closed answers, which don’t lead to further conversation.
Most of us would probably agree that our relationships – with partners, friends, family and colleagues – are the most important factor in feelings of wellbeing and satisfaction. But there is also plenty of evidence that our interactions with strangers, often fleeting and superficial, also play an important part in our feelings of happiness and belonging and should never be overlooked.
We are taught from an early age about “stranger danger” and are told never to speak strangers. Whilst it is understandable that parents are protective, we often carry this advice through to adulthood, ensuring that we are tentative about talking to people we don’t know, and fearful that such interactions will not be positive or life-enhancing.
This couldn’t be further from the truth. In an increasingly fragmented and isolated society, where a troubling six per cent of English people claim that they are suffering from loneliness “often or always” (Community Life Survey 2023), these day-to-day contacts are more vital than ever. They can range from something as simple as smiling and waving at someone you see every day (the postman, the flower-seller, the school crossing supervisor), to exchanging greetings of the “Good morning, how are you today?” variety, to actually chatting for a few moments to a barista or a shop assistant, enjoying a good moan with somebody in the same bus queue or waiting for the same train, or having a full-blown conversation with a stranger.
All of these encounters will convey a little pulse of positivity; you may find you raise your head and stop studiously studying the pavement or your phone screen as you walk along, and actually engage in eye contact with strangers, even exchanging smiles or joining in eye-rolling complicity when confronted by traffic jams, torrential rains, queues and all the other myriad inconveniences of modern life.
While many people agree that this sort of contact is vital to our well-being, everything seems to be conspiring against us. We shut ourselves off from each other, shielding behind headphones and phone screens. We carry out many transactions that would have once involved an encounter with a stranger (buying a train ticket, going to the bank, paying a bill, even doing the weekly grocery shop) online, thus minimising human contact. Community spaces, such as libraries, community centres, social clubs and pubs, are disappearing at an alarming pace, reducing contact even further.
The internet has opened a new world to us, and we roam around it at will, engaging with strangers, posting up intimate details about our lives, commenting (sometimes extremely aggressively) on other people’s opinions. But this is a virtual world, where our normal social parameters are irrelevant, our inhibitions are down – it is so much easier to be rude or outspoken in the written word than it is when you are interacting in person, which involves listening, observing body language, picking up cues in facial expressions and verbal tics and so on.
You might feel that the world is at your fingertips online, allowing you to access to a vast community of connected strangers. But at the same time, you might never have spoken to your near neighbours, exchanged the time of day with your postman, or commiserated on the appalling weather with your refuse collector. All these encounters will make you feel like you belong to a human community; they will make you feel truly connected.
Researchers have found that we consistently underestimate how much we will enjoy talking with a stranger. We dread the chatty neighbour on the train or plane; we peremptorily reel off our order in the coffee shop to avoid small talk. But it has also been proved that our expectations are confounded when we actually engage, and we feel all the better for it.
1. Look around you
Discard distractions (phones, headphones etc) and look around you as you go about your business. Practise engaging in fleeting eye contact with strangers, and make sure your facial expression is neutral or friendly (no glowering or looking glum). You will soon find you catch the eye of passing pedestrians, and inevitably nods and smiles will follow.
2. Go for a greeting
A brisk “good morning” or “good afternoon” is nearly always reciprocated. It feels like a civilised acknowledgement and exchange. It will come naturally enough on country walks where encounters with other people are comparatively rare, but it is more problematic in cities, You will certainly not be greeting all your fellow pavement-pounders, but there are still opportunities to be friendly in quieter residential streets, or simply to greet the people who serve you with over the course of the day (baristas, café-owners, ticket-sellers, newspaper-sellers etc)
3. Take it up a notch
This means elaborating a bit more on the basic greeting. So after you have exchanged “good mornings” you could make an observation of the “it’s bitterly cold today isn’t it?” variety. At this level, you are probably not expecting a full-blown exchange of views, but saying something relatively innocuous might elicit a reaction – either a simple agreement or, if the person is also ready to talk, a further observation.
4. Find shared ground
If you’re ready to embark on a slightly longer conversation, the best place to start is to comment on a shared experience or make an observation. This could be as simple as “Are you waiting for the number 52? It’s a terrible service isn’t it?” or “I like your scarf; is it Japanese?
5. Be curious
When you’re ready to have a longer chat (perhaps on a train or bus), the best way to initiate conversation with a total stranger is to comment on what you have in common (ie you’re on a bus/train, travelling in the same direction) and then ask questions, which will give a willing partner a chance to expound beyond a monosyllabic response, eg “Is this a regular journey for you?”, “Have you been to the new cinema complex in the town centre?”, “What do you think of the new traffic restrictions?” and so on. If you do get a monosyllabic response, don't push it; your neighbour isn't ready to engage and it's better to cut your losses and move on.
Remember, the more conversations you initiate, the easier you will find it and the more confident and at ease you’ll be. Other people will pick up on the fact that you’re relaxed and friendly and will be more open to talking to you. It will just keep on getting better!
A bottle of water has become a must-carry accessory for most young people aged under thirty and for many older people as well. Over the last two decades we have been repeatedly informed by the medical profession that we do not drink enough water and exhorted to keep ourselves well-hydrated. We have obviously taken heed of these warnings and now find ourselves unable to leave the house without an indispensable bottle of H2O.
Maybe you recognise that you have developed a dependence on water, clutching your flask like a baby’s bottle wherever you go, driven into a state of absolute panic when you realise that you’ve forgotten your water bottle, liable to take compulsive sips with an addict’s enthusiasm.
But are there times when our addiction to water might cause offence? And are there times when we should really remember our water-bottle manners?
•Show some respect
Gulping from a water bottle during a wedding or funeral service or any other solemn occasion would be considered inappropriate; these are not circumstances in which you should eat or drink, and you should be able to forego the lure of rehydration for an hour or so – you're not running a marathon.
•Don’t reveal your nerves
Drinking from a water bottle during an interview is also not a good look. We all know that our mouths become dry when we are nervous, so if you are offered a glass of water, accept it, and take gentle and discreet sips. Glugging noisily from your own bottle makes you look like you can't control your impulses, even in the comparative formality of an interview.
•Keep your cool
In any work situation where you are under scrutiny – in a meeting, on a video call, talking to clients etc – resist the urge to swig water with unrestrained abandon from your bottle, which looks needy and will undermine your authority. If you’re worried about dehydration, make sure you have a glass of water with you.
•Request water
You might see your own bottle as a kind of comfort blanket, but it’s really not a good look to drink from your bottle when you’re in a restaurant or at a friend’s house. If water has not been offered, it is always acceptable to politely request a glass of water. You do not have to spend money on expensive mineral water in restaurants, it is quite acceptable to request tap water.
•Beware sound effects
Many of us now have reusable water bottles or stylish insulated flasks, but if you are toting around a single-use plastic bottle, beware. An over-enthusastic swig can all too often lead to compression of the plastic, accompanied by embarrassing sound effects – not ideal if you’re trying to look cool and competent.
Are you happy to offer a friend or family member a swig from your bottle? If you’re out for a walk or it’s a particularly hot day, is it rude to hog your own water and not offer it around to waterless companions? We’re all aware that certain diseases (eg Covid, colds, flu) can be transmitted through saliva so is this a high-risk strategy?
It is very much a personal matter and, while some people are unbothered by sharing with close friends and think nothing of it, there are many people who recoil from the idea and would not contemplate it.
If your find the notion repulsive, then obviously you will not be offering your water bottle around. If someone requests a sip of water, the only polite response is to explain that you’re worried about sharing and prefer not to do so. This is a potentially difficult exchange and – as always with good manners – it is best if you take the burden on yourself and explain that it’s to do with you own anxieties rather than any perception of your friend’s infectiousness.
Give that this is a potentially awkward exchange, it is always best not to ask for a sip from a friend’s bottle unless it is freely offered (you can of course decline a proffered sip if you’re squeamish).
If you do share your bottle against your better judgment, avoid the performative wiping of the bottle’s rim when it is returned to you. This looks like a passive-aggressive attack on the bottle-sharer and is undeniably rude.
It’s hard to be patronised. Being condescended to, made to feel stupid, incompetent or inadequate, is a form of bullying. It can happen socially, in the workplace, in relationships. It frequently happens when we have dealings with professionals, such as doctors or lawyers, who feel that their specialised knowledge gives them a measure of superiority. Older people, especially if they are frail and vulnerable, are patronised on a daily basis because their carers make assumptions about them and consistently underestimate them, which can be very demeaning.
‘Talking down’ to other people from a position of perceived authority, presuming to ‘explain’ when no explanation is needed or sought, can make targets feel that they are not worthy of respect. This undermining behaviour can very quickly poison the atmosphere in a workplace or sour a partnership and turn it toxic.
If you feel you are being patronised, stay calm and collected and don’t react emotionally. If the behaviour persists, explicitly call the offender out – if it helps, you can use a semi-jocular tone. Or you could, in a tone of disingenuous curiosity, try saying “I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me. I already understand xxxxxx. Is there something else you want to say to me?”
Look out for these tell-tale signs:
•Do you feel an irresistible urge to correct people who you perceive to be wrong, whatever the circumstances?
•Do you often preface your sentences with the following: “Technically”, “In actual fact”, “I think you’ll find”, “Obviously”?
•Are you an inveterate interrupter, who interjects with their opinions and tends to take over the conversation?
•Do you enjoy bombarding people with obscure facts and nuggets of information because you think it will make you appear knowledgeable and well-informed?
•Is it very important to your sense of self that you come across as highly intelligent, impressive and super-competent?
•Do you tend to make the assumption that most people you meet are less intelligent that you, and much more shallow and ineffective?
If you are beginning to recognise some of your traits, then it is time to think about ways of amending your behaviour. Being patronising is never going to make you popular socially or in the workplace. Any behaviour that focuses on highlighting other people’s inferiority is the antithesis of good manners, which are all about nurturing the people around you and making them feel good about themselves.
•Hone your listening skills.
If you actually take the time to really hear what people are saying to you (rather than distractedly rehearsing your next remark), you might actually realise that there are signs of intelligent, well-informed life out there, and even come to the realisation that most people do not need your condescending assistance and explanations.
•Practise humility
Instead of gloating about your superiority, revelling in your success and being smug about positive feedback, try and be a bit humbler. If somebody compliments you, don’t complacently take it as your due; try and show genuine pleasure and thank them warmly. If you succeed at a competitive game, or achieve an outstanding coup at work, don’t revel triumphantly in your victory, try and adopt more of a “you win some, you lose some” or “I was really lucky” attitude.
You will soon find that being self-deprecating is a good way of winning friends and admirers.
•Cut the criticism
You probably find it all too easy to pick holes in other people’s work or achievements, but you may have noticed that this leaves people feeling deflated and discouraged.
Instead, try and concentrate on always finding something positive to say. If somebody bakes you a cake that has collapsed, don’t say “well you obviously took it out of the oven too soon” (patronising); instead say “the icing is delicious!” (positive).
•Up the encouragement
Try and get behind other people’s aspirations. Even if you think that they are deluded and are destined to fail, consider that you may well be wrong and, in any case, they are trying to achieve something, which should be applauded.
So don’t spell out all the ways in which you think they’re likely to fail (patronising); praise the effort, rather than focusing on the results (positive).
•Ask before you advise
If somebody comes to you with a problem, you may well see the solution with the utmost clarity. But don’t just launch into a lecture about the “obvious” ways in which they can help themselves. Always politely ask people if they would like your advice and listen attentively to their response (sometimes people say they want advice just to be friendly and polite). They may have come to you for emotional support and a sympathetic listening ear, rather than pragmatic problem-solving.
All too often unsolicited advice will come across as patronising – you know what should be done and are condescending to share your insight, which reinforces your own sense of superiority. Remember, not everyone is seeking enlightenment when they talk about their problems with you. They may well find that talking about their problems is all that is necessary – solutions often emerge from this process.
If you do offer advice, try and come up with tentative suggestions (“have you thought about….?” or “do you think it would be a good idea to?...”), rather than peremptory statements (“Obviously, you should….” or “The best idea is to…”).
•Give credit where credit is due
It’s not all about you, and you will come across as much less pleased with yourself and self-satisfied if you openly acknowledge the role other people have played in your success. So, resist the temptation to simply revel in praise and approbation and think carefully about the crucial ways in which other people have helped you.
If colleagues and friends feel that you have truly accepted their contribution, and that you value it, they’re much less likely to feel patronised by you, or resent the fact that you’re lording it over them.
•Don’t make assumptions
A lot of patronising behaviour has its roots in a tendency to make belittling assumptions about people’s experience, capacity and expertise. Under-estimating people or assuming they’re ignorant will lead you into very dangerous waters. You might, for example, find yourself painstakingly explaining a subject to an author who has just written an authoritative book on the subject or giving DIY tips to someone who has been a builder for the last thirty years.
This is both embarrassing and insulting and could easily be avoided if you just politely ask, “do you know about X?” first. Alternatively, you could remind yourself that launching, unprompted, into impromptu lectures and haranguing audiences about subjects in which you feel you have expertise, are not really very effective ways of engaging in the give and take of conversation.
There are estimated to be over 24,000 coffee shops in the UK, and it is anticipated that coffee shops will overtake pubs in the next twelve years. As a nation, we are said to drink about 2.4 billion cups annually, and a fifth of us visit our local coffee shop daily.
Coffee has clearly become an integral part of the UK’s social culture, so it is time to look at coffee shop etiquette.
•Be decisive
Know what you want before you order; don’t hold up the queue by dithering over your choices. Coffee shops are often very busy places, so if you’re undecided, remove yourself from the queue until you know exactly what you want.
•Keep moving
Once you have ordered, move promptly along to the end of the counter where you will collect your order and have your payment card ready.
•It’s all in a name
Some large coffee shops and chains have adopted the American custom of asking for your name, which is then written on your takeaway coffee cup to avoid mix-ups over orders. If someone asks you for your name, don’t react as if your privacy has been violated. If you’re bothered about it, just give them a generic, short name (Bob, Sue, Ann, Tom etc).
If you have a long name, which might pose spelling and space challenges on the cup, for example ‘Persephone’ or ‘Willoughby’, give a shortened or adapted form, eg ‘Percy’ or ‘Will’. You don’t want to be painstakingly spelling out your name while a queue builds up behind you.
•Pay attention
It’s very rude to the harassed barista if you conduct the entire transaction while you’re chatting to someone else on your mobile phone. You might think you’re a master of multitasking, but you just come across as a boorish person who is treating serving staff with contempt.
•Be polite
Coffee shops can be frantic, bustling spaces, but that doesn’t mean you should be brusque or peremptory. Remember to smile, to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and keep the whole transaction courteous.
•Stand back
Stand back while you’re waiting for your coffee to be delivered and don’t jostle other customers.
•No crowding
Once you’ve got your coffee, you will probably have to go to a different counter to pick up sugar, stirrers, napkins etc. Space is always at a premium, so pick up what you want as quickly as possible and always be conscious of other people – say ‘excuse me’ if you need to reach past someone, don’t push.
•Dispose of the cup
Whether you’re picking up a coffee for a train journey, the office, or just proposing to sip your drink as you stroll along, be hyper-aware of the need to dispose of empty receptacles promptly, in litter bins. Never leave empty coffee cups on, for example, train carriage tables or on park benches, and be very mindful of wooden stirrers, which are often overlooked and carelessly discarded.
If you’re opting to drink a coffee at one of the tables provided, make sure you’re well equipped with paper napkins, so you can instantly mop up any spills or sugar scatterings and leave the table in a fit state for the next occupant. At busy times, tables are at a premium and harassed staff might not have time to whizz around with a damp cloth.
Coffee shops are great places to meet friends, take some time out during a busy day, or even plug in your laptop and get on with some work. In the middle of the day, when the rush hour has receded and the venue is peaceful and half-empty, it is fine to settle in with your mobile, laptop, book etc. But you should always be conscious of the ebb and flow of customers and make sure you’re not hogging a much-needed table while you linger over a single cup of coffee. If you’re in for the long haul, make sure you order more than one drink; coffee shops rely on a rapid turnover.
If you are indulging in a cup of coffee to drink in, think about the correct drinking etiquette:
•Coffee is served in a cup and saucer. Pick up the saucer with the left hand and use your right hand to raise the cup to your mouth. Don’t leave the saucer on the table while you’re lifting the cup.
•If you drink your coffee with sugar, stir it by moving the teaspoon from the bottom of the cup to the top (nor round and round). This will ensure that the foam on the top of the coffee is not deflated.
•Coffee is served with a teaspoon. If you have ordered a macchiato or latte, you can use the teaspoon to mix the layers of steamed milk and foam with the espresso base. Some experts recommend that cappuccino should not be stirred, but this is a matter of personal taste. Don’t raise the teaspoon to your mouth and always leave the teaspoon in the saucer when you have finished the coffee.
In a world of increasingly polarised positions, political disagreements, extreme convictions and entrenched views, it can seem as if everybody is arguing or locked in heated discussions. Arguments can never be avoided or sidestepped, they’re part of everyday life, but there are ways in which their potential to damage or fracture relationships can be mitigated.
Whether you’re arguing about petty domestic disputes (who’s going to do the washing up, what to have for dinner), locked in gladiatorial combat over a hot political issue, or fighting over business strategy with your colleagues, the techniques to ensure that you disagree agreeably are basically the same.
•Respect other People
At its most basic level, this means giving other people your full attention, listening intently and not interrupting. You may well be feeling fired up and passionate and brimming over with counterarguments and refutations, but you must give the other person the space and time to expound their own point of view.
•Stay Positive
As you listen to the other person, you may be overwhelmed with feelings of anger and negativity, but you will have a much greater impact if you react positively. Practise listening to someone expounding an argument which you totally refute and saying something positive like “you make a very interesting point” or “that’s a fascinating point of view, but I do have one major concern”. You are wrapping your disagreement in a positive response, which effectively defuses the other person’s defensiveness – arguers can become ever more entrenched in their positions if they feel their propositions are being shot down in flames.
•Ask Questions
Instead of hitting back with a passionate counterarguments, try the technique of asking gentle, probing questions. It will gradually become clear that you are interrogating a position and do not entirely agree with it, but it will also become apparent that you are seeking to find common ground and in-depth answers.
•Don’t Harangue
It’s no good sitting quietly, waiting for someone to present their point of view, then simply ignore everything they’ve said before embarking on a prolonged attack. Adopting a purely oppositional stance, with no concessions to the other side, will make them defensive and obstinate and there is no chance of reaching resolution.
•Reiterate
One of the main factors that can turn arguments sour or even volatile is the feeling that both sides are not listening to each other, but are merely rehearsing their own arguments, often at increasing volume. It is really helpful, therefore, to re-state the opposition viewpoint and to prove that you have been listening intelligently, which means saying something like “So if I understand correctly, you’re saying that we are incapable of reaching that target and that it is therefore an unreasonable aspiration?”
•Reframe
We’ve all been involved in arguments that have become bogged down in entrenched positions and endless repetitions. This is entirely non-productive, and if you find yourself stuck, a good way out is to reframe the topic, which means suggesting that it is looked at from a different perspective, perhaps as part of a broader issue, or as an example of a whole suite of recurrent disagreements. Looking at the areas of contention from a different angle can sometimes point to new solutions.
•Stay Polite
Arguments can become truly disagreeable when participants become stressed, provoked and angry. At this point, they may well lose their inhibitions and become alarmingly aggressive or even resort to personal insults and put-downs. No argument should ever be allowed to reach this point and remembering to stay polite is the best defence against excessive volatility. This can be something as simple as saying “Thank you for taking the time to explain your point of view” or “I’d be very grateful if you could explain what you mean” or “I apologise if it sounds like I was making assumptions”. These phrases may sound excessively flowery, but they are excellent ways of disarming the opposition and de-escalating the dispute.
•Persuade
Above all, it’s not so much about what you say, but how you say it. If you disagree profoundly with someone, coming at them with all guns blazing will put them on the back foot and may well make them dig in. Asking questions, presenting evidence, gently challenging assumptions, recognising their point of view – these are all techniques that may well win them over to your point of view.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine’.”
Tommy Cooper, comedian
Our roads are increasingly overcrowded, our residential streets are lined with parked cars and parking in town centres is strictly limited. It is not surprising, therefore, that parking has become an area of contention, particularly between harassed motorists and beleaguered residents. Time pressures and frustration are all added to the mix, and tensions consequently run high. These can sometimes break out in bad-tempered parking arguments, but more usually simmer beneath the surface, the fuel for much resentment and bitterness, sometimes expressed in aggressive notes that are left on windscreens…
This is an area of daily life where consideration and good manners can go a long way towards mitigating problems:
If you’re desperately scanning for a parking space, don’t crawl along at a snail's pace with a tail of impatient motorists trailing behind you. Indicate and pull over until the road is clear. Never, ever steal into a parking space when another motorist is already indicating their intention to park there.
ManoeuvringWhen you find that elusive space, indicate immediately to signal your intention. With any luck, other motorists will pass you, leaving you to perform your manoeuvres in peace.
However, all too frequently this tricky act of slotting your car into a compact space must be performed under the keen scrutiny of other motorists and many stressed drivers experience a kind of performance anxiety in these circumstances and make a terrible hash of their parking.
If you are observing another motorist who is losing the plot and it’s clear that parking panic has set in, never display your derision (revving your engine is aggressive and blowing your horn is just rude). Remember this could always happen to you.
Park as neatly as possible. That means tucking yourself into the kerb – avoid mounting the kerb, as this is an irritant to pedestrians, especially parents with pushchairs and wheelchair users.
Always leave adequate room to front and rear for adjacent motorists to manoeuvre. Boxing someone in is the height of bad manners.
Make sure that your car is only taking up one parking space; it is extremely inconsiderate to leave half a car’s length between you and the next car and, where space is at a premium, will make fellow motorists extremely irate. They will rightly accuse you of being selfish.
Before you leave your car, check out your immediate environment and ensure that you are not blocking driveways, or endangering other motorists in any way.
Respect the road markings: if you see a single yellow line, you must check out the small yellow notices (often mounted on a wall or lamppost) that spell out specific restrictions. Do not park on double yellow or double red lines – they are there for a reason and you might be endangering yourself or other people.
Scrawled handwritten notes on windscreens (“Delivering: Back in 5 minutes”) won’t cut the mustard with zealous traffic wardens. Abide by the rules of the road. Check parking regulations and ensure that you have paid up and displayed stickers clearly. Many parking meters are now connected to apps only, so be prepared as you may have to download an app to complete your payment.
Don’t even think about poaching disabled bays or parking in residents’ permits only spaces. You are not entitled to do this – even if it is only for a few minutes.
Be extra vigilant in multi-storey car parks and supermarket car parks. That means you should drive extremely slowly and carefully, and always be ready to let people exit parking spaces in front of you, even if it slows you down.
Park carefully in the middle of bays; it’s inconsiderate to abandon the car at a rakish angle, which might mean that access to the adjacent car is extremely awkward.
Don’t park in parent and child bays at the supermarket if you’re not entitled to. They’re wider than normal bays for a reason; to enable parents to extract children from the car while juggling pushchairs and laden shopping trolleys. They’re often located temptingly close to the shop entrance, which is a bonus for harassed parents of small children – not for other motorists.
Many of us live in towns with residents’ parking and strict conditions for non-residents. As a host, it is your responsibility to assist your guests when they come to visit you. In many towns, residents are entitled to guest parking, but you should sort it out beforehand (obtain vouchers, visit the council parking app etc) and keep your guests fully informed of the arrangements.
If there is no facility for guest parking, forcing your guests to take potluck with on-street parking, inform them of this and explain what time parking restrictions end and how they can pay for parking (app, cash, debit card, phone) beforehand. It is also helpful, if you know of certain nearby streets that generally have spaces, to also inform your guests of this fact.
