"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts.”
William Shakespeare, As You Like It
Are you the protagonist in your own life “movie” and do you see everyone else as playing merely supporting roles? You might be suffering from “main character syndrome”, a TikTok trend that originated during the Covid lockdowns and has rapidly become a shorthand for a certain kind of narcissistic behaviour.
Main characters are self-centred and self-absorbed, indifferent to collaboration and unable to take criticism or laugh at themselves. They may be prone to over dramatic behaviour, or likely to fish for compliments and positive feedback. They will tend to see themselves as the self-appointed “queen bees” in their group. Their sense of entitlement makes them unable, and unwilling, to provide support and sympathy to the “lesser” characters in their life story, who they may see as mere bit players or avid fans.
This form of reinvention and self-projection finds its true home on social media, where aspiring protagonists can use carefully curated images and postings to create a rose-tinted vision of perfection. This is frequently misleading and dishonest, but main characters will find any criticism of their persona or scepticism about their fantasy world extremely offensive.
This tendency may be rooted in a sense of disappointment and disillusionment and can reflect a desire to capture control and agency over circumstances. Ultimately, it may contribute to feelings of self-worth and self-confidence, though undoubtedly this will be at the expense of other people.
If you have a friend who suffers from main character syndrome, you have a simple choice. You can consent to play a supporting role and usher them on to the centre stage. It might be that you find the spectacle enjoyable and entertaining and, if you are not particularly vulnerable or needy, you might naturally gravitate to being a semi-detached observer on the side lines. If, on the other hand, you expect more from your friends than projection and performance and feel that you need support, care and attention, you may well be advised to reconsider your friendship priorities and look elsewhere.
Dealing with a self-obsessed and recalcitrant main character in your social circle has its own challenges, but the problem becomes much more intractable in a professional context. You may well find yourself working with such a person. If you think you have spotted a likely candidate, ask the following questions:
•Does this person thrive on being the centre of attention?
•Do they think they are smarter than everyone else?
•Do they complain that they are underappreciated and under-rewarded?
•Are they prone to claiming other people’s achievements as their own?
•Are they liable to blame colleagues to keep their own reputation intact?
•Are they non-team players, who prefer to work alone and find collaboration difficult?
It is easy to see that all these characteristics are difficult to manage in the workplace and may well create a toxic environment, where resentment and grudges thrive. Managers need to be very wary of main characters, as a tendency to praise or reward them will bring simmering resentment amongst their colleagues to a head. On the other hand, their self-confidence and self-belief might reap benefits: they may well be willing to take risks, think big and pursue ambitious goals – as leaders, it is possible that they will sweep all before them, but the question is will they do so with the willing compliance of their colleagues?
If you find yourself being forced to work with a colleague who suffers from main character syndrome, you will need to fight back and assert yourself, or you will be consigned to the chorus and never find yourself in a leading role. You must explain, explicitly, why you find their behaviour difficult, obtuse and offensive, and straight talking might break through their armour-plated belief in their own aptitude. If that doesn’t work you must, as with all complaints related to colleagues, document their behaviour, and if necessary talk to co-workers, team leaders or human resources.
As the new year dawns, we take a look at five resolutions that will help improve your social skills and make the world a more courteous place.
Doom-mongers often remark that manners are in decline and that standards of behaviour are slipping. New modes of communication, notably mobile phones, are tending to make people inward-looking and cut off, and in some cases are impeding awareness of the self and other people, which is the cornerstone of good manners. At the same time, we have all observed a marked shift towards more informal manners, with much less emphasis on respect and deference, and more stress on friendliness and the desire to put other people at their ease. This should only be encouraged, and social interactions are greatly improved if we are attentive to other people and self-aware about our own behaviour.
With this in mind, we recommend taking the following steps:
•Remember the Social Niceties
Simple pleasantries such as ‘please’, ‘thank you’, ‘excuse me’, ‘how are you?’, ‘good morning’, ‘good afternoon’ oil the wheels of social intercourse. They also have a transformative effect when things are going wrong, or you’re feeling under stress, mitigating the pressures of modern life. If you forget to use them, you will come across as inconsiderate and boorish, intent on your own interests and neglectful of everyone else.
The more you remember to use these pleasantries the more automatic they will become. People will recognise that you are polite and courteous, and you will find the world a much more friendly place.
•Chat to Strangers
Try to enjoy a friendly exchange with a stranger at least once a day and you will soon recognise that it improves your mood and make you feel the world is a better place. Whether it is a shop assistant, your neighbour on the bus, the refuse collectors or a courier, taking the encounter a step beyond basic greetings provides a moment of social interaction and will leave you with a positive afterglow.
You may choose to fall back on that good old British standby, the weather, which is always a fruitful topic. Alternatively, you might enjoy a shared complaint – the infrequent bus service or long queue. Concentrate on keeping the exchange reasonably light-hearted, whatever the topic, and you will find that you have put a smile on your face (and the other person’s).
•Be aware of your Social Footprint
We’re all aware of the concept of our carbon footprint, which measures our own environmental impact. This idea can usefully be applied to the idea of any negative impact you may be having as you mix with other people in everyday situations.
It’s just a matter of being conscious of your physical presence and the effect you are having on the people around you. This might be a simple matter, such as the fact that you’ve dumped your coat on the adjacent seat on the train, which means that nobody can use it. Or you might be listening to music on your phone in a quiet coach without headphones and disturbing your neighbours. Or you might be walking three abreast down the pavement, forcing other pedestrians to scatter as you advance. All these behaviours are caused by a lack of awareness of the negative ways in which you can impose yourself on the people around you – taking up too much space, making too much noise, impinging on other people’s territory.
If you become conscious of your footprint, you will automatically make a number of evaluations in any situation and will pre-empt any cause for complaint. You will be aware of potential sources of inconvenience or noise pollution and do your utmost to ensure that you are not causing resentment.
•Pay attention!
Most bad manners emanate not only from the tendency to be blind to your own impact (see above), but also from being oblivious to the feelings of the people around you. Spotting the lonely wallflower at a party who is in desperate need of an introduction, noticing that a heavily pregnant woman is forced to stand on the tube, being aware that your guests are shivering in your under-heated home – these are all situations that, once observed, can be easily remedied.
The key to good manners is to be attentive and empathetic, which might mean that you need to de-prioritise your own needs, look outwards and focus your consideration on the people around you.
•Be prompt in all things
This plea applies to many spheres of activity. Always being punctual is a mark of respect: it indicates that you value other people’s time and do not want to squander it needlessly. Resist the tendency, which is the result of the universality of mobile phones, to think that nowadays timings are always approximate and easily re-negotiated through texting updates. Even if you are bombarding people with a blow-by-blow account of your journey, and detailed information about hold-ups and mishaps, you are still mucking them around, forcing them to wait and inconveniencing them.
Be swift to reply to all communications. There is really no excuse, when everybody has the power of instantaneous communication at their fingertips, to be tardy about replying to texts, calls and messages. We all know how easy it is to communicate, so being forced to wait for a reply or even forced to send a “did you get my text/email?” query is all the more frustrating. Make it a rule to reply as quickly as possible to all communications; if you do not have an immediate answer, it’s always a good idea to send a holding message, which reassures the sender that you are on the case and will get back to them shortly. By ensuring that everyone you know is never inconvenienced by your inefficiency, you will be gaining a reputation as a friendly, reliable, cooperative and considerate person, which is never a bad thing.
It is probable that older people have always felt somewhat side-lined and supplanted by rising generations, but at least in the past age conferred a senior place in society and older people were objects of respect and deference. Elaborate codes of conduct and protocol ensured that they were given precedence in everything from seating plans to lists, announcements and introductions, and they were treated with delicacy and consideration. It was universally recognised that they had amassed wisdom and experience (though this was not inevitably the case) and were therefore well-placed to advise and guide younger people, who were ready and willing to take direction.
But the 21st century has seen a profound reversal in these social norms. Mass media and social media increasingly purvey a youth-orientated view of the world and, even if older people are given media space, it is generally because they have defied their age and hung on to their youthful looks, enthusiasm and energy. The pace of technological change has accelerated alarmingly; a generation who grew up with steam trains and wirelesses, for whom a family car or household telephone was a rare luxury, have rapidly passed through a bewildering array of changes, including televisions, air travel, personal computers and mobile phones. The biggest change of all is, of course, the internet and the ways in which it has permeated every aspect of our daily life are legion.
According to a 2022 Ofcom report, 6 per cent of households in the UK have no internet access, while 73 per cent of people aged over sixty-five use the internet at home, leaving a substantial 27 per cent of older people disenfranchised and overlooked.
We’re all aware that an ability to survive in the digital world has become an increasingly important life skill. The administration of daily life is now firmly in the realm of the internet, from banking and paying household bills to communicating with Government and local government departments, booking travel tickets, making medical appointments and obtaining repeat prescriptions. Online tools are an invaluable way of comparing the prices of utilities, broadband and insurance; without access to this information, customers are likely to pay a much higher premium for daily necessities.
With no internet older people, who might also have eschewed the world of mobile phones, find themselves reliant on landlines. Telephone answering systems are now chronically undermanned and dauntingly complex. Callers are confronted with a bewildering list of options, asked to navigate their way through myriad menus, and often left holding on for an unconscionably long time before being passed to the wrong department. Some companies simply refuse to recognise that any of their customers do not use the internet and provide no analogue help or assistance.
Against this background it behoves all of us who operate in a customer-facing role to be hyper-aware of the difficulties that older people may be experiencing. Breezily advising someone to just “go online and put in your details” is deeply unhelpful and it is always polite to enquire if someone has access to the internet and, if they don’t, to to do your best to help them.
This requires patience and empathy. Try to put yourself in their shoes and understand how anxious and precarious they must feel as they try to steer a course through a daunting digital world. Be aware that becoming flustered will only make them less able to cope and use phrases like “take your time” and “don’t worry, I’m still here” to calm anxiety.
Try not to present them with dead ends (eg “we don’t take cheques any more; it’s online payments only” or “we can only deal with these enquiries through our website”). Do your utmost to find other ways of accommodating them and suggesting alternative ways they can approach the issue.
Don’t make assumptions: it’s preposterous to tell someone with mobility problems to “pop down to the post office”. You need to make a gentle enquiry first about access and mobility, eg “Do you have a post office nearby and are you able to get to it?”.
Enunciate slowly and clearly, but don’t shout. It will soon become apparent if you are dealing with someone with hearing difficulties, but making a general assumption is insulting.
If you have an older person who is not able to access the internet in your life (a family member, friend or neighbour), it is always a good idea to offer your services as a digital assistant. Just mention that you’re available and then make a habit of doing a regular digital screening – that means enquiring about all the utilities and services that are being used and ensuring that the older person has not become ensnared in out-of-date, unsuitable and expensive contracts.
If you are held in complete trust, you can also help with digital banking and online payments.
You might even be able to initiate your friend or relative into the mysteries of the internet, but you should only do this if they’re willing to learn, robust and receptive to the idea. Bear in mind that learning this skill in old age is very challenging and remind yourself that you will need to be extremely patient and reassuring. Using a computer or smartphone might well feel like second nature to you, but it is a completely alien technology to the uninitiated.
Haranguing an unwilling listener about the undoubted benefits of the online world is deeply off-putting and possibly quite confusing. Gently pointing out that certain activities would be less stressful online might be more persuasive.
Bear in mind that the internet has opened us all up to ever more creative forms of fraud and deceit. Older people are vulnerable to plausible fraudsters who cold-call them and persuade them to give away vitally important security information, or to download software or click on links, giving criminals access to bank accounts or computers. It is scarcely surprising that some older people are extremely wary of the whole digital world, and it would be foolish to show them how to access it if you are worried that they will fall prey to internet scams. First and foremost, they must be receptive to your warnings and suspicious of all unsolicited contact.
If you do decide to help someone get online, remember the following:
•Establish what the person wants to do online and make this a priority. Getting side tracked by the multiple possibilities of the internet might be mind-blowing but also disheartening.
•Spend some time setting up the computer, tablet or smartphone so that it is tailored to the user’s needs, giving them easy access to apps and the internet browser. Set up the browser home page with bookmarks to the user’s favourite sites. Ensure that the browser typeface is set to a legible font.
•Set the browser to remember passwords and log-ons on frequently visited sites. The demand for passwords is frequently seen by the uninitiated as an insurmountable challenge – they have been written down somewhere, are mis-typed or mis-remembered. Let the technology do the work.
•Mind your language. Words like ‘icon’, ‘browser’, ‘cursor’, ‘reboot’ are part of everyday parlance, but may very well be baffling to a new user. You might find words like ‘little picture’, ‘exploring window’, ‘pointy arrow’, ‘start up again’ are more useful. This may feel patronising, but if you have established that digital terminology is incomprehensible, creative language will be a pragmatic alternative.
•Remember that it is always easier to learn if you are performing a task, rather than observing someone else. Sitting passively while watching you darting around the screen with rapid clicks of your mouse or rattling out commands on a keyboard may feel daunting. Instead, sit your pupil down in front of the screen and let him/her wield the mouse from the outset. Remember an endless supply of patience is a virtue. Make encouraging remarks and reassure your pupil that it will take time to master this new skill and never allow your frustration with their slowness or incomprehension to show.
•Once you are confident that they are in control, and only then, you can introduce them to the world of online banking and online shopping but remember that this must be accompanied with dire warnings about fraud awareness and safety online.
•You may have to accept that you can bring your pupil to the point where they are able to send an email and navigate to a website and no further. Even if you are still needed for other more challenging digital tasks, you have at least opened a little window into a new world.
As the holiday season fast approaches, we turn our thoughts to the ways in which digital technology has had an impact on our Christmas traditions.
Many of us, faced with the rising costs of postage, are choosing to send digital greetings rather than cards this Christmas. Perhaps we are choosing e-cards, are sending out Christmas emails, posting on social media, or relying on texts and WhatsApps to communicate our good wishes to friends and family. There are myriad ways of communicating at this busy time of year and people are becoming increasingly tolerant of alternatives to the traditional Christmas card. However, you must be discriminating about who you choose to address in this way. Older generations might still value Christmas cards, however expensive they may be, and are less likely to feel comfortable with new technology and innovative ways of communicating.
What of Christmas Day itself? Mobile phones have become an integral part of our everyday lives and they need to be accommodated during the holiday season. While everyone will appreciate the ability to stay in touch with friends and relations, share Christmas highlights, enjoy taking and sending photographs and so on, there will be many people who are disconcerted by the ubiquity of phones, especially at the festive table.
We owe a lot of our Christmas fantasies to Charles Dickens and the Victorians, and it is hard to reconcile our image of the convivial Dickensian table with the sight of a 21st-century family poring over their phones as the turkey congeals on the plate. If that prospect makes you shudder, you will need to address the question of phones before the big day.
Children and teenagers are compulsive phone-users, so it is a good idea to lay down some rules well in advance and explain that Christmas is a very special time of year and therefore there is going to be a rule that no phones are allowed at the dining table, or when everyone is involved in family activities, such as playing games. Make it a communal challenge, and perhaps impose a jokey sanction each time you spot a phone being used (eg the offender must do the drying up or clear up the wrapping paper etc). Perhaps the person who has gone longest without toying with their phone could get a prize. Try and get the whole family involved and make it into a Christmas game.
When it comes to older relations and guests, it might be a good idea to just grasp the nettle. You can say something like “we’re going to be sitting down to lunch at about 2 o’clock, and as it’s a special day I’m imposing a blanket ban on mobiles at the table!” You might allow a brief moratorium when you bring in the Christmas turkey, so that everyone can take photographs of the table and guests but be very strict about insisting that phones are put away immediately. As the Christmas host, who has probably put heroic efforts into making the day a success, you are perfectly entitled to lay down the law, and your guests should accept your diktats with good grace.
Accept that, at other times over the Christmas period, when everyone is just enjoying the aftermath of the present bonanza, or playing with new gifts etc, the phones will inevitably come out. Don’t fight it at those times, just save your firepower for the important moments.
Mobile phones are a great way of keeping in touch with absent friends and relations on Christmas Day, and many people will enjoy a festive phone call. Bear in mind that everyone has a different festive routine, and it is hard to know when they will be eating, opening presents, playing games, out for a walk etc., so it is best to prearrange a Christmas phone call, and ask when a convenient time would be to call, rather than just ringing when the mood takes you and interrupting a cherished moment of the day.
If the call is to a whole family, it’s probably best if the phone is passed to each individual member, rather than expecting everyone to cluster around. If you’re receiving the call in a noisy room, with lots of excited children, it would be a good idea to take it somewhere else to chat as the caller may find you barely audible. Remember that, if the caller is on their own, a hubbub of excited chatter and barely audible remarks is not going to be a very satisfactory backdrop and may make them feel lonely and isolated. So, make time to focus on Christmas calls, away from distractions.
Facetime is much more disruptive, since most people spend Christmas Day gathered in the same room and – unless you use headphones or earbuds – the call will be half-audible to everyone. So, if you do decide to have a Facetime call, it is probably best to take it in another room, perhaps warning the rest of your family that you will be doing so. Once again, it’s best to bring other family members into the call on an individual basis, rather than all trying to cluster, half-visible, around a small screen.
Don’t turn into a Christmas paparazzo, constantly arranging your family into group shots, and taking ages to get the lighting and composition right. While nobody objects to the occasional photo or selfie, constantly having to get out of chair in which you’ve just settled down and got comfortable, with a glass of bubbly at your elbow, can soon get onerous and irritating.
Always ask parents before posting photographs of small children online – they may well object. And be very careful about teenagers too – they are meticulous curators of their own image and may feel mortified if you post an image of them looking comically grumpy in a Christmas jumper and rumpled paper crown.
You might be thrilled with your Christmas booty and overjoyed by the fact that you’re spending the festive season in the bosom of a loving and affectionate family but spare a thought for the millions of people who are not in this lucky position and resist the temptation to post endless gloating updates about your fabulous Christmas online.
We all acknowledge that the exchanging of gifts is an important part of our Christmas ritual, but many of us tie ourselves up in knows about this pleasing custom and find that it is the cause of a great deal of anxiety, tetchiness and over-spending.
It can be useful to agree an upper expenditure limit well before Christmas. This will ensure that you’re not a competitive present-giver: extravagant presents can cause embarrassment if they have not been reciprocated.
Some families circulate Christmas gift lists, which alleviate stress and ensure that gifts are really hitting the target. Other families will find this practice over-pragmatic and likely to destroy the mystique of the gift-giving season. These practices will be a well-established part of family lore, which you will need to respect. In these more straitened times, a‘Secret Santa’ agreement ensures that you will only have to buy one present, within a pre-agreed price band (but most children will fail to see the magic of this arrangement and should be exempt).
If you’re giving cash think about giving it in the form of a gift token (after checking that it’s for an appropriate store or service). Alternatively, supplement the cash contribution with a small, jokey present; it will soften the transactional nature of the gift. If you have guests coming for Christmas day, you must buy them a present, even if it is only a token gift.
Gift-giving should be reciprocal, so one way of guarding against social embarrassment is to build up a small pre-Christmas store of generic items: toiletries, chocolates or books are all good choices. You will then never be blindsided by an unexpected present. If you have not made any preparation and someone unexpectedly presents you with a gift, try and evade any embarrassment by saying something like, “I haven’t bought you a gift, as I thought it might be more fun if I took you out for dinner/drinks/tea etc in the new year.”
Receiving PresentsWhen you open presents do so calmly and methodically and avoid frantic ripping. Handle the parcel first and comment on the wrapping. Often you will find yourself being anxiously observed by the giver (the moment when a present is unveiled can be extremely tense for both parties), so make sure you address your remarks to them. Never allow a crestfallen expression to flicker, even momentarily, across your face as it is likely to cause consternation in the nervous onlooker.
Every present, no matter how dull, inappropriate or unimaginative, should be greeted with gracious enthusiasm. You can always find something positive to say about even the most functional present (eg “grey socks? Thank you, these will be ideal for wearing with my work suit!). If you are puzzled by a gift or can’t begin to think why you have been given it, never let your confusion show. Just say something bland like “A hacksaw! That will be really useful!”.
It clearly makes economic sense to find a new home for unwanted gifts, but you must recycle presents with the utmost caution outside your social circle. Only re-gift if you are confident that the original present-giver and the recipient of the re-gifting will never cross paths, so you are probably wise to avoid re-gifting within your immediate social circle. Never make the mistake of re-gifting a present back to the original giver – that is a faux pas from which it is hard to recover.
If you really don’t like, or want, a Christmas gift it could possibly be returned or exchanged, but this must be approached with discretion. The simplest situation is if you are given a present, for example a book, that you already own. You can say something gracious and complimentary like “That’s a really good choice – in fact I’ve already got it and I love it! Would you mind if I changed it?”
If you know the giver well, react positively to the gift on opening. Then tactfully mention (once the Christmas giving spree has died down) that you really appreciate your present, but you’re not sure it’s, for example, the right colour, size, style etc. Never disparage the choice (“You know I don’t like bright colours”), instead say something like “It’s a beautiful colour, but I think I’d find it a bit too bright” – it’s much better if you can blame yourself, not the giver. Then say something like “I wouldn’t want your generosity to go to waste, so would you mind if…”. Only do this if you are convinced that you won’t hurt the feelings of the giver.
If you’re concerned that the giver will be really upset by any indication that you don’t like your present, you could consider returning it or selling it, but only do so if you’re completely confident that your subterfuge won’t be uncovered. You don’t want your mother-in-law to innocently ask “Why don’t you ever wear that lovely cerise scarf I gave you last Christmas?”, when you know full well that you have taken it back to the store and exchanged it.
It’s never plain sailing when you’re hosting at home, especially at this time of year. Ideally, you want to appear calm and unruffled, despite any kitchen calamities, so we’ve had a look at some common pitfalls and how to overcome them.
It’s all too easy, when you’re distracted by children, pets and guests, to be heavy-handed with the seasoning. When you taste the result, you might be thrown into a blind panic and tempted to throw the whole dish away, but there are lots of fixes that will salvage even the spiciest, saltiest dish:
•Dilution
If you’ve overdone the seasoning in a soup, stew or gravy, the easiest solution is to dilute it by gradually adding water and tasting as you go.
Alternatively, you can mitigate the over-seasoning by adding vegetables, grains or noodles – they will soak up the strong tastes.
•The Handy Potato
Chunks of raw potato, added to soups or stews, will act as a sponge, absorbing the salt. You can leave the potatoes for a few minutes to work their magic, then discard them.
•Sugar and Spice
If your dish is flaming hot, add some sugar or honey, which will offset the spiciness. Dairy products will also offset the effects of over-spicy food. Serve hot curries and salsas with a side dish of yoghurt or sour cream.
If you’ve overdone the sugar and honey and made the dish sickly sweet, offset the cloying flavour with the addition of citrus juice, wine or vinegar.
It’s so easy, with so much going on, to take your eye off the stove at a crucial moment and find that you’ve burnt the gently frying onions, charred the salmon fillet, or let the water run dry on the boiling sprouts.
There’s not much you can do with food that has been incinerated (which is why you need emergency back-up in your freezer), but it’s important to get rid of the smell of burning, which might be deeply discouraging to your guests. Quickly open all the doors and windows to air the house. Try simmering a couple of cinnamon sticks or a handful of cloves in a saucepan of water or burning a scented candle. Air freshener won’t mask the smell, it will just fill your house with a chemical stink.
If your food is irredeemably burnt or catastrophically over-seasoned, your turkey is dry and stringy, or you’ve upended the roasting tin and dropped roast potatoes and hot fat all over the floor, you might have to turn to your emergency supplies. For meat-eaters, it is a good idea to stock your freezer with chicken breast fillets. These can be grilled super-quickly (you can use a microwave or jug of hot water to defrost them). You can dress them up with a mushroom sauce, drizzle them with pesto (a store cupboard stalwart) or whip up a quick tomato, olive oil and garlic sauce, served with pasta. The latter is a good solution if you have vegetarians at the table. Vegans and vegetarians alike will be delighted with a chickpea, coconut and spinach dahl. Lentils, tinned chickpeas and coconut milk are store cupboard staples, and it’s a good idea to have spinach in the freezer.
It is, of course, a faux-pas to bring an uninvited plus one to dinner without adequate warning. The fault is with the guest who has taken the liberty of bringing the extra person, but it is the host who must pay the price and frantically re-appraise catering options, juggle with ingredients, and even accommodate special dietary requirements.
At Christmas, there is also a high risk of spontaneous invitations and last-minute bouts of bonhomie that bring unanticipated guests to the festive table. It is important during this most hospitable time of the year to be well-prepared for all contingencies.
The ideal option is to bulk up your existing menu with rice, French bread, an extra dish of peas from the freezer, a large bowl of salad. Even though the main dish might have to be stretched further, the table will be groaning with offerings and will look generous and hospitable. Introduce a cheese course to stretch food even further – if you are following the French style, you will have it between the main course and pudding; the English fashion is to eat cheese at the end of the meal, preferably washed down with a glass of port.
If all else fails, you might have to create some extra last-minute dishes, in which case you can look at the emergency suggestions outlined above.
These are always on the cards when a large group is gathered, spirits are high, and wine is flowing freely. As the host you must immediately quell any post-accident furore and put the lid on the culprit’s self-reproach. Breakages are inevitable – if you know your guests are going to be rowdy and the children are hyped-up and over-excited, don’t use your grandmother’s precious heirloom glasses. Sacrifice your desire for a super-stylish table and opt for more workaday china and glassware. If a guest breaks something that is obviously valuable, they should offer to compensate you, and you should politely refuse.
There are few stains that can’t be removed – even red wine. A little white wine, applied immediately, will neutralise the effect that the red wine has on your carpet. If the wine has dried, dab it with soda water to lift the colour from the carpet fibres. Salt will keep the stain from setting in - leave it on the carpet for about 30 minutes before hoovering it up.
Remember, your guests don’t know what you’ve planned to serve, so they won’t be disappointed when it fails to materialise. The main thing is to keep calm and reserve panic, rage and hysteria for the kitchen, or somewhere suitably private, with the door firmly closed.
Present your rescued, salvaged, or improvised dishes with aplomb and never indulge in an apologetic commentary: “I’m so sorry, this was meant to be a light and fluffy soufflé, but it hasn’t risen and it’s more like a concrete brick...” and so on. Anxiety is infectious and your guests will have a much better time if they feel they are in the hands of a self-confident and capable host.
As the big day approaches, we suggest ten ways to ensure that Christmas goes with a swing, and that tensions, cross words and disappointments do not mar everyone’s enjoyment:
1. Accept Contributions
It is essential that you control your spending at this expensive time of year and don’t use money as a solution to every problem. It is crazy to overspend on gifts and hospitality because you want to be an impeccable host – none of your guests would be happy to learn that you have over-stretched yourself financially to provide a picture-perfect Christmas.
When it comes to hosting, everyone knows that Christmas can be super-expensive, so bite the bullet and communicate clearly with guests and family members beforehand. If one of your guests asks “what can I bring?”, don’t default to the very British “nothing”. Instead, make a pragmatic and helpful suggestion, eg ask your guest to supply the wine for the Christmas lunch, or bring mince pies and a hunk of Stilton. These gestures will not only help you cope with the pressures of hosting, they will also gratify guests, who are anxious to make a Christmas donation.
2. Plan for All Contingencies
It goes without saying that you will stock your freezer, fridge and cupboards with plentiful supplies of food, and in the days before Christmas you will be purchasing all the fresh food and vegetables necessary for the festive feast. But what if you are suddenly confronted with an extra guest (or more)? How do you react if one of your teenage nieces or nephews casually announces that they’ve gone vegan? How do you cope when the oven packs up on Christmas Day and you’ve got half a dozen hungry guests around your table?
All of these near disasters can be averted if you are well supplied with store cupboard essentials (eg pasta, couscous, rice, anchovies, tuna, pine nuts, dried fruits) as well as ensuring that you have stocks of chicken (thighs and fillets), salmon, prawns, peas, broad beans and pastry in the freezer. With these essentials you have the capacity to whip up alternative meals (or extra dishes) with a minimum of fuss and panic.
3. Pace the Day
Everyone’s Christmas is different, and routines and rituals are extremely varied. It is always a good idea to spread out the main events (eg presents, big meal, games, TV), and to allow intervals between each mini highlight when your guests and family members can relax and re-charge.
This is particularly crucial if you are entertaining older people. Remember that grandparents and members of the older generation may begin to wilt if they’re cooped up for hours on end with over-excited children and may well need to take time out from the festivities – so ensure that they can do so without interruption or interference. This might mean suggesting that they retreat to their own rooms for a cup of tea and a lie down if it all gets too much.
4. Be Relaxed about Rituals
Everyone has their own ideas about how Christmas Day should be celebrated, but if you are hosting you will need to be flexible about your own time-honoured Christmas traditions. Don’t lay down the law (“we always have a glass of champagne while we open our presents at 11am and sit down for lunch at 1pm). It is much more courteous to suggest that this is how the day should be celebrated, and to use tentative phrases like “we usually open our presents mid-morning and have a glass of champagne. Would that suit you?”. Guests will feel that they are fully participating in the day and not being steamrollered.
Similarly, if you are a guest, it is your primary responsibility to be flexible about your hosts’ Christmas routines and timetable. You might feel that they eat far too late, and open presents far too early, but you should not comment on these perceived transgressions. Go with the flow and follow your host’s lead.
5. Welcome Help
You might have the fantasy of being the perfect Christmas host, who works away seamlessly and efficiently in the background and produces an exquisitely cooked meal without breaking a sweat.
The reality is that most of us find cooking the Christmas meal a stressful experience. We crave perfection, but frequently must be satisfied with more workaday compromises, and the coordination and scale of the catering effort can make us feel very frazzled.
It is therefore a good idea to accept offers of help and assistance; hand out specific jobs, for example peeling vegetables or doing some pre-emptive washing up, to avoid being swamped by a host of bumbling, well-meaning guests who have no idea what is required. If you’re a tentative cook, ask other people for advice – guests will feel gratified if you defer to them or consult them.
If you cannot abide having other people in the kitchen when you’re busy, be gracious about it and don’t act the martyr.
6. Don’t Expect Perfection
You may well have your own notions about the perfect Christmas Day, but if you are marshalling a large, and probably disparate, group of people, they are likely to have their own ideas. You might have a scheme to play convivial family games on Christmas afternoon but find that everyone else has designs on the sofa and the big movie. If that is the case, accept it. Christmas is a communal celebration and families need to negotiate their own compromises. Being chivvied into activities that they don’t enjoy is a sure-fire way of creating bad feelings and tension.
7. Be Grateful for Gifts
We all fantasise about a perfect array of Christmas presents, but must accept that, more often than not, some will fall short of our expectations (unless you’re an excited child). However disappointed you are, you should be able to disguise your feelings of dismay and disappointment behind a mask of appreciation. When you are given a present, take your time; admire the wrapping, speculate about the contents of the package. Open it slowly and deliberately (children will of course tear open their presents in an unstoppable frenzy, which is inevitable). Whatever the package contains, exclaim over it, conscientiously thank the giver (who may well be anxiously looking on) and, if you can possibly think of a positive comment, make it.
You may already be planning to regift it or return it, but these considerations should be kept to yourself – it is important on Christmas Day to project a general air of positivity and gratitude.
8. Stay Upbeat and Positive
Christmas is a time to celebrate, so you must do your best to keep the conversation light and convivial. If possible, steer away from controversial topics, such as politics and religion, and recognise that now is not the time for family arguments or squabbles. If you are entertaining a guest from outside the family, be careful about letting the conversation get too inward-looking or family orientated, which will make them feel like outsiders. Family jokes, anecdotes and recollections are all part of the joy of Christmas, but you must be mindful of guests, and provide explanations and expositions. It is good to try and draw out guests by using conventional small talk techniques; questions should be gently probing, rather than directly interrogative, and you should try and elicit information by indirect means. Above all, be inclusive and do not let anyone feel overlooked, marginalised or excluded.
Don’t panic if the chatter is banal and food, TV and present-orientated – Christmas is a shared experience and it’s good to reinforce feelings of companionship and bonhomie.
9. Don’t be a Scrooge
If you have agreed to be a Christmas guest, you are under a moral obligation to embrace the Christmas spirit – no cynicism, no grumpiness, no sulking. If you are an irredeemable Scrooge, then don’t inflict yourself, or your negativity, on other people at Christmas time.
.So if you have accepted a Christmas invitation, even if it against your better judgment, plaster a warm smile on your face and keep soldiering on, whatever is thrown at you. You may not enjoy crackers, charades or singsongs and may prefer to snooze away the afternoon in front of the TV with a glass of whisky, but that is not your prerogative. You must grit your teeth and get on with it. This is one occasion where you simply can’t bow out, so remind yourself that it is only one day out of 365 and join in with good grace.
10. Remember, it’s not for Everyone
Christmas can appear to be an all-encompassing, smothering tide of saccharine celebration, which can feel like a terrible affront if you are going through hard times yourself, for example illness, bereavement, divorce. Or you might simply be one of those people who finds it difficult to comply with communal expectations to be joyful and convivial and cannot summon up any appetite for Christmas celebrations.
If you’re a fan of Christmas, or even just a person who takes it in their stride as a traditional part of the annual calendar, you must accept that not everyone will feel the same way. When you are confronted by someone who refuses to participate in the annual rite, for whatever reason, you really must accept that is their prerogative and not become a Christmas cheerleader, who frantically tries to enlist their participation in the festivities. Learn to listen to what people are actually saying, to empathise with what they might be feeling, and to accept that they are completely entitled to withdraw.
Kissing under the mistletoe is an integral part of Christmas celebrations, although it suffered something of a setback during the Covid pandemic when we were all nervous about keeping our distance. This is a venerable tradition, rooted in the pagan antecedents of Christmas, so it is likely to prove resilient and live on. We take a look at the ritual of the festive kiss, lay down some rules of mistletoe etiquette, and offer some hints about politely avoiding unwanted advances.
The Greeks and Romans revered mistletoe, which they believed could cure everything from spleen disorders to epilepsy. The plant’s tendency to blossom in the depths of winter gave it a special resonance for the Celtic Druids, who saw it as a sacred symbol of vigour, which they administered to humans and animals alike as a means of restoring fertility.
However, the earliest references to kissing under the mistletoe date to the 18th century. It soon became associated with lustful boys and bashful girls and was initially characterised as enjoyable horseplay for the servant classes. Early depictions of this ritual show the girls struggling to escape the boys’ clutches, so it is suggested that the mistletoe was wielded as a means of securing their compliance – perhaps because they believed that resisting would lead to bad luck.
When the American writer Washington Irving visited England and observed this tradition he described it in his Sketch Book. A minor English ritual was introduced to a large American audience, which was eager to embrace it as a symbol of festive cheer.
•Be considerate: If you are feeling a cold or sore throat coming on, don’t tough out the Christmas celebrations, and certainly don’t engage in close physical contact under the mistletoe. Make your excuses and go home.
•Make sure you pick a willing partner and that you won’t make them feel embarrassed or uncomfortable by asking for a kiss (and you should always ask first, no grabbing).
•If you’re indulging in under-the-mistletoe hugs at an office party, don’t get carried away with drink and over-enthusiasm. Grasping the boss in a drunken embrace will be an embarrassing memory the morning after – remember, no matter how convivial the event, office hierarchies still underpin everything.
• Decide in advance, are you going to proffer one kiss or two? Be cautious with strangers – two kisses may seem over the top, even in a festive environment.
• Maintain a discreet distance. If in doubt, don’t combine your kiss with a full hug, which will draw your target into your personal space. Lean forward and, if that feels too stand-offish, lightly rest your hands on the target’s shoulders or upper arms.
• It is customary to kiss the other person’s right cheek first (that’s the one to your left!). Deflect any “meet-in-the-middle” embarrassment with humour or a friendly apology.
•Remember, a social ‘kiss’ is just the briefest touch of your cheek against the other person’s. You can pucker your lips to suggest a kiss, but do not let them touch the other person’s check. Don’t kiss the air or make exaggerated “mwah, mwah” sound effects.
• Thank the other person and wish them a Merry Christmas.
Remember, it is traditionally considered bad luck to refuse a kiss under the mistletoe, but it is undoubtedly true that some people find the whole mistletoe ritual tacky, and fear it is a barely disguised excuse to grab unwilling targets and pull them into a close physical embrace. If you recoil at the prospect, the safest bet is to steer clear of the mistletoe and engage in animated conversation if you see an enthusiast lurching purposefully in your direction.
If that feels too antisocial – after all, a festive peck is all part of Christmas fun – you can clasp the other person’s shoulders as a way of keeping them at a distance, rather than drawing them in, and then briefly lunge for the region to the side of their ears. An off-kilter kiss is preferable to no kiss at all.
Our ancestors knew precisely what clothes were acceptable for each social occasion, and never deviated from these strict guidelines. Old certainties, traditions and customs are fast disappearing in the modern world, and the whole concept of dress codes is not immune to this process.
It is argued that, if invitations stipulate a dress code, it is helpful to guests, eliminating “what should I wear?” anxiety and giving them a clear indication of the nature of the event. But as the formal dress codes of yesteryear are gradually eroded and deconstructed, many people are finding that dress codes are a cause of acute anxiety, because they are vague or challenging, without being explicit or self-explanatory.
It is useful to briefly reiterate the guidance for the old-fashioned dress codes that you might encounter for social events at this time of year, which are proscriptive and time-honoured, before we turn to more confusing modern dress codes.
White Tie
This is the most formal event code, and the rarest, and is inevitably announced on an elaborate invitation several weeks before the event. Men should wear a black single-breasted tailcoat, with silk lapels, worn unbuttoned, with matching black trousers, with two lines of braid down the outside of the trouser legs. A white shirt is fastened with studs not buttons, with a detachable wing collar and a thin white bow tie. Women should wear a full-length evening dress or ball gown, with or without sleeves. Long gloves may be worn with sleeveless dresses.
Black Tie
For many people, this is the most formal dress code they will ever encounter. Men should wear a black, wool, single-breasted dinner jacket, with no vents, silk peaked lapels, or a shawl collar, and covered buttons. The black trousers are tapered with a single row of braid. It should be worn with a soft-collared white or cream shirt and a bow tie – avoid clip-on or ready-tied ties and learn how to tie your own. Women should wear an evening dress; knee length cocktail dresses are the most popular choice, though floor-length evening dresses can also be worn.
Lounge Suit
This misleadingly named dress code refers to business attire: for men, a dark or grey suit, collar and tie and formal, polished, black shoes. Women should wear a skirt or trouser suit or a dress and jacket, with mid-heel shoes. This dress code would be suitable for drinks after work or dinner in a restaurant.
Smart Casual
This is by far the most common of all dress codes. In essence, this is not business attire, so men should wear a jacket and quite possibly a tie, or an open-necked silk or patterned shirt, with chinos or tailored trousers. Women can opt for a dress, skirt or a pair of smart trousers, which may be paired with a jacket, but denim, even designer denim, is probably too casual. For evening parties, women may choose to dress up their look, with a more decorative cocktail-style dress, evening-stye trousers, statement jewellery and higher heels.
Smart casual is a bit of a ‘catch-all’ dress code, so it is best to think about the context before choosing your outfit. An invitation card to an evening event in the city indicates something both more formal and therefore smart and fashionable than an email asking you to celebrate a friend’s birthday in the country.
The general rule, with all these dress codes, is that it’s preferable to look over-, rather than under-dressed. An immaculate turn out is far more courteous to your host and nine times out of ten you will look better too.
As people begin to play around with the rigid formality of dress codes, new dilemmas are emerging. Some codes are reasonably self-explanatory, others are obscure diktats, which seem to demand an elusive, but desirable, quality (chic, glamour) or a certain kind of impact (“dress to impress”). These dress codes concentrate on evoking mood, projecting image and allure; lacking the definitive sartorial guidance of, for example, “black tie”, they may leave some people feeling anxious and inadequate, unsure that they will be able to conjure the effect their hosts desire. Playing with dress codes can be fun, but making your guests feel that they are not up to the dress code challenge is not very hospitable, so think through the implications carefully before you go down this road. In general, these dress codes fall into the following categories:
‘Relaxed’ black tie
This may be referred to as “bohemian black tie” or “creative black tie”, implying that a rigorous adherence to old-fashioned dress codes is not expected. So, a woman could opt for short or long dress (or tailored or palazzo style evening trousers), while a man might be able to take the basic building blocks of black tie and introduce some variations (eg a normal black tie instead of a bow tie), the addition of a glamorous waistcoat, or possibly a velvet smoking jacket instead of the standard black dinner jacket.
Cocktail attire
Other terms for this code include “smart frocks” or “party dress”. These codes release guests, especially men, from rigid strictures. They can discard dinner jackets and bow ties if they choose and opt for smart lounge suits, velvet jackets, Nehru jackets and so on. Women can choose whatever dress/trouser combination they feel will make them look chic and glamorous.
Fanciful codes
This is when the host’s imagination runs free, eg “razzle dazzle”, “denim and diamonds”, “velvet decadence”, “vintage glamour” and so on. You might be the sort of person who loves this kind of challenge and can confidently rise to it. If you’re a more discreet and laid-back person you can just acknowledge it with accessories (costume jewellery, velvet stole, vintage evening bag, feather boa, a glittering bow tie and so on). This will show that you’ve noted the dress code and have made a gesture towards complying.
Dress to impress
Imprecatory dress codes, such as “Simply fabulous”, “Dress to kill”, “Dress to Impress” may fill you with performance anxiety. But really the hosts are simply pleading with their guests to make an effort, and to dress up, rather than down, for the party. Whether you’ll impress or knock out the other guests with your outfit is an unpredictable and subjective business, but at least you’ll know that under-dressing is not an option.
The first weeks of December are amongst the most sociable of the year and you may well be the recipient of several invitations. The old saying about London buses – “you wait ages for one then three come at once” – comes to mind; you may feel you are living in a social desert in November, but then find yourself juggling a swathe of commitments in December.
When it comes to replying to invitations, remember these simple rules:
•Don’t prevaricate
Some people find it hard to commit themselves to anything well in advance, perhaps resisting the feeling that their life is mapped out and there is no room for spontaneity. Override these tendencies and reply promptly – your hesitation to commit will be causing hosts, who may well be crunching numbers and negotiating with caterers, inconvenience.
•Reply in writing
Depending on the formality of the invitation, ‘writing’ may well mean by text or email. The main thing is to send a reply in written form because that allows the host, who is having to administer the guest list, to retrieve your reply if needed.
•Don’t over-elaborate
Replies in the affirmative are straightforward. Refusing invitations is more complex. Very formal invitations have set forms of words, invariably expressed in the third person – “xxxxxxxx regrets she is unable to attend” – and there is no expectation that any excuse or reason will be given. (The only exception is if the invitation is from the King, in which case it is a command, not an invitation, and reasons for non-attendance should always be given – usually illness, as a prior engagement is not considered an adequate reason for non-attendance).
When you are refusing less formal invitations, don’t protest too much. It is quite acceptable to just state that you are unable to come: “Thank you very much for your invitation to drinks on the 15th. I’m very sorry, but I won’t be able to come/attend/join you.” This reply, which leans towards the more formal, is suitable for acquaintances or people you don’t know very well.
If you’re replying to someone you’re close to, they probably deserve a fuller, more tactful explanation. Don’t embroider the simple truth or go into tedious detail. Some simple replies might be:
“I’m so sorry I won’t be able to come next Friday, I’m afraid I’m already committed” (don’t specify “I’m going to another party”, which is needlessly explicit).
“I’m so sorry we can’t come to your party on Saturday – we’re going down to Cornwall on that day” (you’ve simply got another arrangement).
“Apologies, but we won’t be able to come to your Christmas drinks this year. Unfortunately, it clashes with parents’ evening at Joel’s school” (you’ve got to do something else, which is not a social event, but is an important priority).
•Don’t lie
If you’re accepting what you consider to be a more enticing invitation, and that is your real reason for refusing, then it is a bad idea to come up with a respectable sounding excuse, like “I’ve got to visit my mother in hospital” or “I’m taking the children to a Christmas show”. In this age of social media, when everyone is tracking other people and gossiping about them online, you may very well be found out, and the rejected host will feel justifiably annoyed. Just opt for the bland “I’m already committed” excuse and you will be exonerated. – everyone understands that, when invitations come thick and fast, some people will have already accepted another invitation.
•Don’t change your mind
This is a big no no. If you have previously refused an invitation and then ‘magically’ discover that you’re available (or have, in fact, changed your mind about going to the event), telling your hosts that you are now deigning to attend may have an undesirable effect. They would be forgiven for guessing that a better offer has evaporated, making you willing to accept second best, and may well feel insulted. Of course, there will be unforeseeable circumstances that do make it acceptable to change your mind about a previously rejected invitation but, if that is the case, you will need to offer a full and honest explanation.
If you have previously accepted an invitation and then get what you perceive to be a better offer, resulting in a late “I can’t come after all” message, you are committing a serious social blunder. Withdrawing an acceptance is seen as bad form and is likely to leave your hosts feeling badly used – especially if word gets out about your alternative arrangement.
•Think carefully before you reply
Because changing your mind is bad form and might upset your hosts, it is important to consider a number of factors before accepting or refusing an invitation. Are you free? Could you be free if you rearrange something less important? Would accepting the invitation mean letting someone down? Would declining the invitation cause upset?
•Consider your stamina
It’s easy to overdo the socialising at this time of year, and it’s important to pace yourself. Accepting invitations for several consecutive nights might seem like a daunting prospect when it’s nearer the date and you’re beginning to suffer from social exhaustion. When you receive an invitation it’s a good idea to look at your social diary and just think for a moment about how practical your plans really are. If you take on too much, you might arrive at Christmas itself in flagging and depleted spirits.
•Don’t make the host do all the work
It’s hard enough organising a party, let alone having to spend time before the event chasing up rogue invitees, who have not sent RSVPs and are resolutely elusive. You should be aware that this behaviour does not confirm how extremely popular and in demand you are, it is just extremely rude. Don’t put a host in this position, which can feel humiliating; make up your mind and reply promptly.
•Be discreet
It is sometimes the case that hosts have been discriminating about guest lists, or opted for a small gathering which has meant leaving out some people in your social circle. The safest policy, when you receive an invitation, is not to announce it to all and sundry as you may well be alerting people who have not been invited to their social exclusion. If you know the host well, the easiest thing is just to ask if xxxxxx will be coming (and make no comment if they haven’t been invited). Alternatively, you can just keep schtum and enjoy being surprised on the night.
