In a world of increasingly polarised positions, political disagreements, extreme convictions and entrenched views, it can seem as if everybody is arguing or locked in heated discussions. Arguments can never be avoided or sidestepped, they’re part of everyday life, but there are ways in which their potential to damage or fracture relationships can be mitigated.
Whether you’re arguing about petty domestic disputes (who’s going to do the washing up, what to have for dinner), locked in gladiatorial combat over a hot political issue, or fighting over business strategy with your colleagues, the techniques to ensure that you disagree agreeably are basically the same.
•Respect other People
At its most basic level, this means giving other people your full attention, listening intently and not interrupting. You may well be feeling fired up and passionate and brimming over with counterarguments and refutations, but you must give the other person the space and time to expound their own point of view.
•Stay Positive
As you listen to the other person, you may be overwhelmed with feelings of anger and negativity, but you will have a much greater impact if you react positively. Practise listening to someone expounding an argument which you totally refute and saying something positive like “you make a very interesting point” or “that’s a fascinating point of view, but I do have one major concern”. You are wrapping your disagreement in a positive response, which effectively defuses the other person’s defensiveness – arguers can become ever more entrenched in their positions if they feel their propositions are being shot down in flames.
•Ask Questions
Instead of hitting back with a passionate counterarguments, try the technique of asking gentle, probing questions. It will gradually become clear that you are interrogating a position and do not entirely agree with it, but it will also become apparent that you are seeking to find common ground and in-depth answers.
•Don’t Harangue
It’s no good sitting quietly, waiting for someone to present their point of view, then simply ignore everything they’ve said before embarking on a prolonged attack. Adopting a purely oppositional stance, with no concessions to the other side, will make them defensive and obstinate and there is no chance of reaching resolution.
•Reiterate
One of the main factors that can turn arguments sour or even volatile is the feeling that both sides are not listening to each other, but are merely rehearsing their own arguments, often at increasing volume. It is really helpful, therefore, to re-state the opposition viewpoint and to prove that you have been listening intelligently, which means saying something like “So if I understand correctly, you’re saying that we are incapable of reaching that target and that it is therefore an unreasonable aspiration?”
•Reframe
We’ve all been involved in arguments that have become bogged down in entrenched positions and endless repetitions. This is entirely non-productive, and if you find yourself stuck, a good way out is to reframe the topic, which means suggesting that it is looked at from a different perspective, perhaps as part of a broader issue, or as an example of a whole suite of recurrent disagreements. Looking at the areas of contention from a different angle can sometimes point to new solutions.
•Stay Polite
Arguments can become truly disagreeable when participants become stressed, provoked and angry. At this point, they may well lose their inhibitions and become alarmingly aggressive or even resort to personal insults and put-downs. No argument should ever be allowed to reach this point and remembering to stay polite is the best defence against excessive volatility. This can be something as simple as saying “Thank you for taking the time to explain your point of view” or “I’d be very grateful if you could explain what you mean” or “I apologise if it sounds like I was making assumptions”. These phrases may sound excessively flowery, but they are excellent ways of disarming the opposition and de-escalating the dispute.
•Persuade
Above all, it’s not so much about what you say, but how you say it. If you disagree profoundly with someone, coming at them with all guns blazing will put them on the back foot and may well make them dig in. Asking questions, presenting evidence, gently challenging assumptions, recognising their point of view – these are all techniques that may well win them over to your point of view.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine’.”
Tommy Cooper, comedian
Our roads are increasingly overcrowded, our residential streets are lined with parked cars and parking in town centres is strictly limited. It is not surprising, therefore, that parking has become an area of contention, particularly between harassed motorists and beleaguered residents. Time pressures and frustration are all added to the mix, and tensions consequently run high. These can sometimes break out in bad-tempered parking arguments, but more usually simmer beneath the surface, the fuel for much resentment and bitterness, sometimes expressed in aggressive notes that are left on windscreens…
This is an area of daily life where consideration and good manners can go a long way towards mitigating problems:
If you’re desperately scanning for a parking space, don’t crawl along at a snail's pace with a tail of impatient motorists trailing behind you. Indicate and pull over until the road is clear. Never, ever steal into a parking space when another motorist is already indicating their intention to park there.
ManoeuvringWhen you find that elusive space, indicate immediately to signal your intention. With any luck, other motorists will pass you, leaving you to perform your manoeuvres in peace.
However, all too frequently this tricky act of slotting your car into a compact space must be performed under the keen scrutiny of other motorists and many stressed drivers experience a kind of performance anxiety in these circumstances and make a terrible hash of their parking.
If you are observing another motorist who is losing the plot and it’s clear that parking panic has set in, never display your derision (revving your engine is aggressive and blowing your horn is just rude). Remember this could always happen to you.
Park as neatly as possible. That means tucking yourself into the kerb – avoid mounting the kerb, as this is an irritant to pedestrians, especially parents with pushchairs and wheelchair users.
Always leave adequate room to front and rear for adjacent motorists to manoeuvre. Boxing someone in is the height of bad manners.
Make sure that your car is only taking up one parking space; it is extremely inconsiderate to leave half a car’s length between you and the next car and, where space is at a premium, will make fellow motorists extremely irate. They will rightly accuse you of being selfish.
Before you leave your car, check out your immediate environment and ensure that you are not blocking driveways, or endangering other motorists in any way.
Respect the road markings: if you see a single yellow line, you must check out the small yellow notices (often mounted on a wall or lamppost) that spell out specific restrictions. Do not park on double yellow or double red lines – they are there for a reason and you might be endangering yourself or other people.
Scrawled handwritten notes on windscreens (“Delivering: Back in 5 minutes”) won’t cut the mustard with zealous traffic wardens. Abide by the rules of the road. Check parking regulations and ensure that you have paid up and displayed stickers clearly. Many parking meters are now connected to apps only, so be prepared as you may have to download an app to complete your payment.
Don’t even think about poaching disabled bays or parking in residents’ permits only spaces. You are not entitled to do this – even if it is only for a few minutes.
Be extra vigilant in multi-storey car parks and supermarket car parks. That means you should drive extremely slowly and carefully, and always be ready to let people exit parking spaces in front of you, even if it slows you down.
Park carefully in the middle of bays; it’s inconsiderate to abandon the car at a rakish angle, which might mean that access to the adjacent car is extremely awkward.
Don’t park in parent and child bays at the supermarket if you’re not entitled to. They’re wider than normal bays for a reason; to enable parents to extract children from the car while juggling pushchairs and laden shopping trolleys. They’re often located temptingly close to the shop entrance, which is a bonus for harassed parents of small children – not for other motorists.
Many of us live in towns with residents’ parking and strict conditions for non-residents. As a host, it is your responsibility to assist your guests when they come to visit you. In many towns, residents are entitled to guest parking, but you should sort it out beforehand (obtain vouchers, visit the council parking app etc) and keep your guests fully informed of the arrangements.
If there is no facility for guest parking, forcing your guests to take potluck with on-street parking, inform them of this and explain what time parking restrictions end and how they can pay for parking (app, cash, debit card, phone) beforehand. It is also helpful, if you know of certain nearby streets that generally have spaces, to also inform your guests of this fact.
"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts.”
William Shakespeare, As You Like It
Are you the protagonist in your own life “movie” and do you see everyone else as playing merely supporting roles? You might be suffering from “main character syndrome”, a TikTok trend that originated during the Covid lockdowns and has rapidly become a shorthand for a certain kind of narcissistic behaviour.
Main characters are self-centred and self-absorbed, indifferent to collaboration and unable to take criticism or laugh at themselves. They may be prone to over dramatic behaviour, or likely to fish for compliments and positive feedback. They will tend to see themselves as the self-appointed “queen bees” in their group. Their sense of entitlement makes them unable, and unwilling, to provide support and sympathy to the “lesser” characters in their life story, who they may see as mere bit players or avid fans.
This form of reinvention and self-projection finds its true home on social media, where aspiring protagonists can use carefully curated images and postings to create a rose-tinted vision of perfection. This is frequently misleading and dishonest, but main characters will find any criticism of their persona or scepticism about their fantasy world extremely offensive.
This tendency may be rooted in a sense of disappointment and disillusionment and can reflect a desire to capture control and agency over circumstances. Ultimately, it may contribute to feelings of self-worth and self-confidence, though undoubtedly this will be at the expense of other people.
If you have a friend who suffers from main character syndrome, you have a simple choice. You can consent to play a supporting role and usher them on to the centre stage. It might be that you find the spectacle enjoyable and entertaining and, if you are not particularly vulnerable or needy, you might naturally gravitate to being a semi-detached observer on the side lines. If, on the other hand, you expect more from your friends than projection and performance and feel that you need support, care and attention, you may well be advised to reconsider your friendship priorities and look elsewhere.
Dealing with a self-obsessed and recalcitrant main character in your social circle has its own challenges, but the problem becomes much more intractable in a professional context. You may well find yourself working with such a person. If you think you have spotted a likely candidate, ask the following questions:
•Does this person thrive on being the centre of attention?
•Do they think they are smarter than everyone else?
•Do they complain that they are underappreciated and under-rewarded?
•Are they prone to claiming other people’s achievements as their own?
•Are they liable to blame colleagues to keep their own reputation intact?
•Are they non-team players, who prefer to work alone and find collaboration difficult?
It is easy to see that all these characteristics are difficult to manage in the workplace and may well create a toxic environment, where resentment and grudges thrive. Managers need to be very wary of main characters, as a tendency to praise or reward them will bring simmering resentment amongst their colleagues to a head. On the other hand, their self-confidence and self-belief might reap benefits: they may well be willing to take risks, think big and pursue ambitious goals – as leaders, it is possible that they will sweep all before them, but the question is will they do so with the willing compliance of their colleagues?
If you find yourself being forced to work with a colleague who suffers from main character syndrome, you will need to fight back and assert yourself, or you will be consigned to the chorus and never find yourself in a leading role. You must explain, explicitly, why you find their behaviour difficult, obtuse and offensive, and straight talking might break through their armour-plated belief in their own aptitude. If that doesn’t work you must, as with all complaints related to colleagues, document their behaviour, and if necessary talk to co-workers, team leaders or human resources.
As the new year dawns, we take a look at five resolutions that will help improve your social skills and make the world a more courteous place.
Doom-mongers often remark that manners are in decline and that standards of behaviour are slipping. New modes of communication, notably mobile phones, are tending to make people inward-looking and cut off, and in some cases are impeding awareness of the self and other people, which is the cornerstone of good manners. At the same time, we have all observed a marked shift towards more informal manners, with much less emphasis on respect and deference, and more stress on friendliness and the desire to put other people at their ease. This should only be encouraged, and social interactions are greatly improved if we are attentive to other people and self-aware about our own behaviour.
With this in mind, we recommend taking the following steps:
•Remember the Social Niceties
Simple pleasantries such as ‘please’, ‘thank you’, ‘excuse me’, ‘how are you?’, ‘good morning’, ‘good afternoon’ oil the wheels of social intercourse. They also have a transformative effect when things are going wrong, or you’re feeling under stress, mitigating the pressures of modern life. If you forget to use them, you will come across as inconsiderate and boorish, intent on your own interests and neglectful of everyone else.
The more you remember to use these pleasantries the more automatic they will become. People will recognise that you are polite and courteous, and you will find the world a much more friendly place.
•Chat to Strangers
Try to enjoy a friendly exchange with a stranger at least once a day and you will soon recognise that it improves your mood and make you feel the world is a better place. Whether it is a shop assistant, your neighbour on the bus, the refuse collectors or a courier, taking the encounter a step beyond basic greetings provides a moment of social interaction and will leave you with a positive afterglow.
You may choose to fall back on that good old British standby, the weather, which is always a fruitful topic. Alternatively, you might enjoy a shared complaint – the infrequent bus service or long queue. Concentrate on keeping the exchange reasonably light-hearted, whatever the topic, and you will find that you have put a smile on your face (and the other person’s).
•Be aware of your Social Footprint
We’re all aware of the concept of our carbon footprint, which measures our own environmental impact. This idea can usefully be applied to the idea of any negative impact you may be having as you mix with other people in everyday situations.
It’s just a matter of being conscious of your physical presence and the effect you are having on the people around you. This might be a simple matter, such as the fact that you’ve dumped your coat on the adjacent seat on the train, which means that nobody can use it. Or you might be listening to music on your phone in a quiet coach without headphones and disturbing your neighbours. Or you might be walking three abreast down the pavement, forcing other pedestrians to scatter as you advance. All these behaviours are caused by a lack of awareness of the negative ways in which you can impose yourself on the people around you – taking up too much space, making too much noise, impinging on other people’s territory.
If you become conscious of your footprint, you will automatically make a number of evaluations in any situation and will pre-empt any cause for complaint. You will be aware of potential sources of inconvenience or noise pollution and do your utmost to ensure that you are not causing resentment.
•Pay attention!
Most bad manners emanate not only from the tendency to be blind to your own impact (see above), but also from being oblivious to the feelings of the people around you. Spotting the lonely wallflower at a party who is in desperate need of an introduction, noticing that a heavily pregnant woman is forced to stand on the tube, being aware that your guests are shivering in your under-heated home – these are all situations that, once observed, can be easily remedied.
The key to good manners is to be attentive and empathetic, which might mean that you need to de-prioritise your own needs, look outwards and focus your consideration on the people around you.
•Be prompt in all things
This plea applies to many spheres of activity. Always being punctual is a mark of respect: it indicates that you value other people’s time and do not want to squander it needlessly. Resist the tendency, which is the result of the universality of mobile phones, to think that nowadays timings are always approximate and easily re-negotiated through texting updates. Even if you are bombarding people with a blow-by-blow account of your journey, and detailed information about hold-ups and mishaps, you are still mucking them around, forcing them to wait and inconveniencing them.
Be swift to reply to all communications. There is really no excuse, when everybody has the power of instantaneous communication at their fingertips, to be tardy about replying to texts, calls and messages. We all know how easy it is to communicate, so being forced to wait for a reply or even forced to send a “did you get my text/email?” query is all the more frustrating. Make it a rule to reply as quickly as possible to all communications; if you do not have an immediate answer, it’s always a good idea to send a holding message, which reassures the sender that you are on the case and will get back to them shortly. By ensuring that everyone you know is never inconvenienced by your inefficiency, you will be gaining a reputation as a friendly, reliable, cooperative and considerate person, which is never a bad thing.
It is probable that older people have always felt somewhat side-lined and supplanted by rising generations, but at least in the past age conferred a senior place in society and older people were objects of respect and deference. Elaborate codes of conduct and protocol ensured that they were given precedence in everything from seating plans to lists, announcements and introductions, and they were treated with delicacy and consideration. It was universally recognised that they had amassed wisdom and experience (though this was not inevitably the case) and were therefore well-placed to advise and guide younger people, who were ready and willing to take direction.
But the 21st century has seen a profound reversal in these social norms. Mass media and social media increasingly purvey a youth-orientated view of the world and, even if older people are given media space, it is generally because they have defied their age and hung on to their youthful looks, enthusiasm and energy. The pace of technological change has accelerated alarmingly; a generation who grew up with steam trains and wirelesses, for whom a family car or household telephone was a rare luxury, have rapidly passed through a bewildering array of changes, including televisions, air travel, personal computers and mobile phones. The biggest change of all is, of course, the internet and the ways in which it has permeated every aspect of our daily life are legion.
According to a 2022 Ofcom report, 6 per cent of households in the UK have no internet access, while 73 per cent of people aged over sixty-five use the internet at home, leaving a substantial 27 per cent of older people disenfranchised and overlooked.
We’re all aware that an ability to survive in the digital world has become an increasingly important life skill. The administration of daily life is now firmly in the realm of the internet, from banking and paying household bills to communicating with Government and local government departments, booking travel tickets, making medical appointments and obtaining repeat prescriptions. Online tools are an invaluable way of comparing the prices of utilities, broadband and insurance; without access to this information, customers are likely to pay a much higher premium for daily necessities.
With no internet older people, who might also have eschewed the world of mobile phones, find themselves reliant on landlines. Telephone answering systems are now chronically undermanned and dauntingly complex. Callers are confronted with a bewildering list of options, asked to navigate their way through myriad menus, and often left holding on for an unconscionably long time before being passed to the wrong department. Some companies simply refuse to recognise that any of their customers do not use the internet and provide no analogue help or assistance.
Against this background it behoves all of us who operate in a customer-facing role to be hyper-aware of the difficulties that older people may be experiencing. Breezily advising someone to just “go online and put in your details” is deeply unhelpful and it is always polite to enquire if someone has access to the internet and, if they don’t, to to do your best to help them.
This requires patience and empathy. Try to put yourself in their shoes and understand how anxious and precarious they must feel as they try to steer a course through a daunting digital world. Be aware that becoming flustered will only make them less able to cope and use phrases like “take your time” and “don’t worry, I’m still here” to calm anxiety.
Try not to present them with dead ends (eg “we don’t take cheques any more; it’s online payments only” or “we can only deal with these enquiries through our website”). Do your utmost to find other ways of accommodating them and suggesting alternative ways they can approach the issue.
Don’t make assumptions: it’s preposterous to tell someone with mobility problems to “pop down to the post office”. You need to make a gentle enquiry first about access and mobility, eg “Do you have a post office nearby and are you able to get to it?”.
Enunciate slowly and clearly, but don’t shout. It will soon become apparent if you are dealing with someone with hearing difficulties, but making a general assumption is insulting.
If you have an older person who is not able to access the internet in your life (a family member, friend or neighbour), it is always a good idea to offer your services as a digital assistant. Just mention that you’re available and then make a habit of doing a regular digital screening – that means enquiring about all the utilities and services that are being used and ensuring that the older person has not become ensnared in out-of-date, unsuitable and expensive contracts.
If you are held in complete trust, you can also help with digital banking and online payments.
You might even be able to initiate your friend or relative into the mysteries of the internet, but you should only do this if they’re willing to learn, robust and receptive to the idea. Bear in mind that learning this skill in old age is very challenging and remind yourself that you will need to be extremely patient and reassuring. Using a computer or smartphone might well feel like second nature to you, but it is a completely alien technology to the uninitiated.
Haranguing an unwilling listener about the undoubted benefits of the online world is deeply off-putting and possibly quite confusing. Gently pointing out that certain activities would be less stressful online might be more persuasive.
Bear in mind that the internet has opened us all up to ever more creative forms of fraud and deceit. Older people are vulnerable to plausible fraudsters who cold-call them and persuade them to give away vitally important security information, or to download software or click on links, giving criminals access to bank accounts or computers. It is scarcely surprising that some older people are extremely wary of the whole digital world, and it would be foolish to show them how to access it if you are worried that they will fall prey to internet scams. First and foremost, they must be receptive to your warnings and suspicious of all unsolicited contact.
If you do decide to help someone get online, remember the following:
•Establish what the person wants to do online and make this a priority. Getting side tracked by the multiple possibilities of the internet might be mind-blowing but also disheartening.
•Spend some time setting up the computer, tablet or smartphone so that it is tailored to the user’s needs, giving them easy access to apps and the internet browser. Set up the browser home page with bookmarks to the user’s favourite sites. Ensure that the browser typeface is set to a legible font.
•Set the browser to remember passwords and log-ons on frequently visited sites. The demand for passwords is frequently seen by the uninitiated as an insurmountable challenge – they have been written down somewhere, are mis-typed or mis-remembered. Let the technology do the work.
•Mind your language. Words like ‘icon’, ‘browser’, ‘cursor’, ‘reboot’ are part of everyday parlance, but may very well be baffling to a new user. You might find words like ‘little picture’, ‘exploring window’, ‘pointy arrow’, ‘start up again’ are more useful. This may feel patronising, but if you have established that digital terminology is incomprehensible, creative language will be a pragmatic alternative.
•Remember that it is always easier to learn if you are performing a task, rather than observing someone else. Sitting passively while watching you darting around the screen with rapid clicks of your mouse or rattling out commands on a keyboard may feel daunting. Instead, sit your pupil down in front of the screen and let him/her wield the mouse from the outset. Remember an endless supply of patience is a virtue. Make encouraging remarks and reassure your pupil that it will take time to master this new skill and never allow your frustration with their slowness or incomprehension to show.
•Once you are confident that they are in control, and only then, you can introduce them to the world of online banking and online shopping but remember that this must be accompanied with dire warnings about fraud awareness and safety online.
•You may have to accept that you can bring your pupil to the point where they are able to send an email and navigate to a website and no further. Even if you are still needed for other more challenging digital tasks, you have at least opened a little window into a new world.
As the holiday season fast approaches, we turn our thoughts to the ways in which digital technology has had an impact on our Christmas traditions.
Many of us, faced with the rising costs of postage, are choosing to send digital greetings rather than cards this Christmas. Perhaps we are choosing e-cards, are sending out Christmas emails, posting on social media, or relying on texts and WhatsApps to communicate our good wishes to friends and family. There are myriad ways of communicating at this busy time of year and people are becoming increasingly tolerant of alternatives to the traditional Christmas card. However, you must be discriminating about who you choose to address in this way. Older generations might still value Christmas cards, however expensive they may be, and are less likely to feel comfortable with new technology and innovative ways of communicating.
What of Christmas Day itself? Mobile phones have become an integral part of our everyday lives and they need to be accommodated during the holiday season. While everyone will appreciate the ability to stay in touch with friends and relations, share Christmas highlights, enjoy taking and sending photographs and so on, there will be many people who are disconcerted by the ubiquity of phones, especially at the festive table.
We owe a lot of our Christmas fantasies to Charles Dickens and the Victorians, and it is hard to reconcile our image of the convivial Dickensian table with the sight of a 21st-century family poring over their phones as the turkey congeals on the plate. If that prospect makes you shudder, you will need to address the question of phones before the big day.
Children and teenagers are compulsive phone-users, so it is a good idea to lay down some rules well in advance and explain that Christmas is a very special time of year and therefore there is going to be a rule that no phones are allowed at the dining table, or when everyone is involved in family activities, such as playing games. Make it a communal challenge, and perhaps impose a jokey sanction each time you spot a phone being used (eg the offender must do the drying up or clear up the wrapping paper etc). Perhaps the person who has gone longest without toying with their phone could get a prize. Try and get the whole family involved and make it into a Christmas game.
When it comes to older relations and guests, it might be a good idea to just grasp the nettle. You can say something like “we’re going to be sitting down to lunch at about 2 o’clock, and as it’s a special day I’m imposing a blanket ban on mobiles at the table!” You might allow a brief moratorium when you bring in the Christmas turkey, so that everyone can take photographs of the table and guests but be very strict about insisting that phones are put away immediately. As the Christmas host, who has probably put heroic efforts into making the day a success, you are perfectly entitled to lay down the law, and your guests should accept your diktats with good grace.
Accept that, at other times over the Christmas period, when everyone is just enjoying the aftermath of the present bonanza, or playing with new gifts etc, the phones will inevitably come out. Don’t fight it at those times, just save your firepower for the important moments.
Mobile phones are a great way of keeping in touch with absent friends and relations on Christmas Day, and many people will enjoy a festive phone call. Bear in mind that everyone has a different festive routine, and it is hard to know when they will be eating, opening presents, playing games, out for a walk etc., so it is best to prearrange a Christmas phone call, and ask when a convenient time would be to call, rather than just ringing when the mood takes you and interrupting a cherished moment of the day.
If the call is to a whole family, it’s probably best if the phone is passed to each individual member, rather than expecting everyone to cluster around. If you’re receiving the call in a noisy room, with lots of excited children, it would be a good idea to take it somewhere else to chat as the caller may find you barely audible. Remember that, if the caller is on their own, a hubbub of excited chatter and barely audible remarks is not going to be a very satisfactory backdrop and may make them feel lonely and isolated. So, make time to focus on Christmas calls, away from distractions.
Facetime is much more disruptive, since most people spend Christmas Day gathered in the same room and – unless you use headphones or earbuds – the call will be half-audible to everyone. So, if you do decide to have a Facetime call, it is probably best to take it in another room, perhaps warning the rest of your family that you will be doing so. Once again, it’s best to bring other family members into the call on an individual basis, rather than all trying to cluster, half-visible, around a small screen.
Don’t turn into a Christmas paparazzo, constantly arranging your family into group shots, and taking ages to get the lighting and composition right. While nobody objects to the occasional photo or selfie, constantly having to get out of chair in which you’ve just settled down and got comfortable, with a glass of bubbly at your elbow, can soon get onerous and irritating.
Always ask parents before posting photographs of small children online – they may well object. And be very careful about teenagers too – they are meticulous curators of their own image and may feel mortified if you post an image of them looking comically grumpy in a Christmas jumper and rumpled paper crown.
You might be thrilled with your Christmas booty and overjoyed by the fact that you’re spending the festive season in the bosom of a loving and affectionate family but spare a thought for the millions of people who are not in this lucky position and resist the temptation to post endless gloating updates about your fabulous Christmas online.
We all acknowledge that the exchanging of gifts is an important part of our Christmas ritual, but many of us tie ourselves up in knows about this pleasing custom and find that it is the cause of a great deal of anxiety, tetchiness and over-spending.
It can be useful to agree an upper expenditure limit well before Christmas. This will ensure that you’re not a competitive present-giver: extravagant presents can cause embarrassment if they have not been reciprocated.
Some families circulate Christmas gift lists, which alleviate stress and ensure that gifts are really hitting the target. Other families will find this practice over-pragmatic and likely to destroy the mystique of the gift-giving season. These practices will be a well-established part of family lore, which you will need to respect. In these more straitened times, a‘Secret Santa’ agreement ensures that you will only have to buy one present, within a pre-agreed price band (but most children will fail to see the magic of this arrangement and should be exempt).
If you’re giving cash think about giving it in the form of a gift token (after checking that it’s for an appropriate store or service). Alternatively, supplement the cash contribution with a small, jokey present; it will soften the transactional nature of the gift. If you have guests coming for Christmas day, you must buy them a present, even if it is only a token gift.
Gift-giving should be reciprocal, so one way of guarding against social embarrassment is to build up a small pre-Christmas store of generic items: toiletries, chocolates or books are all good choices. You will then never be blindsided by an unexpected present. If you have not made any preparation and someone unexpectedly presents you with a gift, try and evade any embarrassment by saying something like, “I haven’t bought you a gift, as I thought it might be more fun if I took you out for dinner/drinks/tea etc in the new year.”
Receiving PresentsWhen you open presents do so calmly and methodically and avoid frantic ripping. Handle the parcel first and comment on the wrapping. Often you will find yourself being anxiously observed by the giver (the moment when a present is unveiled can be extremely tense for both parties), so make sure you address your remarks to them. Never allow a crestfallen expression to flicker, even momentarily, across your face as it is likely to cause consternation in the nervous onlooker.
Every present, no matter how dull, inappropriate or unimaginative, should be greeted with gracious enthusiasm. You can always find something positive to say about even the most functional present (eg “grey socks? Thank you, these will be ideal for wearing with my work suit!). If you are puzzled by a gift or can’t begin to think why you have been given it, never let your confusion show. Just say something bland like “A hacksaw! That will be really useful!”.
It clearly makes economic sense to find a new home for unwanted gifts, but you must recycle presents with the utmost caution outside your social circle. Only re-gift if you are confident that the original present-giver and the recipient of the re-gifting will never cross paths, so you are probably wise to avoid re-gifting within your immediate social circle. Never make the mistake of re-gifting a present back to the original giver – that is a faux pas from which it is hard to recover.
If you really don’t like, or want, a Christmas gift it could possibly be returned or exchanged, but this must be approached with discretion. The simplest situation is if you are given a present, for example a book, that you already own. You can say something gracious and complimentary like “That’s a really good choice – in fact I’ve already got it and I love it! Would you mind if I changed it?”
If you know the giver well, react positively to the gift on opening. Then tactfully mention (once the Christmas giving spree has died down) that you really appreciate your present, but you’re not sure it’s, for example, the right colour, size, style etc. Never disparage the choice (“You know I don’t like bright colours”), instead say something like “It’s a beautiful colour, but I think I’d find it a bit too bright” – it’s much better if you can blame yourself, not the giver. Then say something like “I wouldn’t want your generosity to go to waste, so would you mind if…”. Only do this if you are convinced that you won’t hurt the feelings of the giver.
If you’re concerned that the giver will be really upset by any indication that you don’t like your present, you could consider returning it or selling it, but only do so if you’re completely confident that your subterfuge won’t be uncovered. You don’t want your mother-in-law to innocently ask “Why don’t you ever wear that lovely cerise scarf I gave you last Christmas?”, when you know full well that you have taken it back to the store and exchanged it.
It’s never plain sailing when you’re hosting at home, especially at this time of year. Ideally, you want to appear calm and unruffled, despite any kitchen calamities, so we’ve had a look at some common pitfalls and how to overcome them.
It’s all too easy, when you’re distracted by children, pets and guests, to be heavy-handed with the seasoning. When you taste the result, you might be thrown into a blind panic and tempted to throw the whole dish away, but there are lots of fixes that will salvage even the spiciest, saltiest dish:
•Dilution
If you’ve overdone the seasoning in a soup, stew or gravy, the easiest solution is to dilute it by gradually adding water and tasting as you go.
Alternatively, you can mitigate the over-seasoning by adding vegetables, grains or noodles – they will soak up the strong tastes.
•The Handy Potato
Chunks of raw potato, added to soups or stews, will act as a sponge, absorbing the salt. You can leave the potatoes for a few minutes to work their magic, then discard them.
•Sugar and Spice
If your dish is flaming hot, add some sugar or honey, which will offset the spiciness. Dairy products will also offset the effects of over-spicy food. Serve hot curries and salsas with a side dish of yoghurt or sour cream.
If you’ve overdone the sugar and honey and made the dish sickly sweet, offset the cloying flavour with the addition of citrus juice, wine or vinegar.
It’s so easy, with so much going on, to take your eye off the stove at a crucial moment and find that you’ve burnt the gently frying onions, charred the salmon fillet, or let the water run dry on the boiling sprouts.
There’s not much you can do with food that has been incinerated (which is why you need emergency back-up in your freezer), but it’s important to get rid of the smell of burning, which might be deeply discouraging to your guests. Quickly open all the doors and windows to air the house. Try simmering a couple of cinnamon sticks or a handful of cloves in a saucepan of water or burning a scented candle. Air freshener won’t mask the smell, it will just fill your house with a chemical stink.
If your food is irredeemably burnt or catastrophically over-seasoned, your turkey is dry and stringy, or you’ve upended the roasting tin and dropped roast potatoes and hot fat all over the floor, you might have to turn to your emergency supplies. For meat-eaters, it is a good idea to stock your freezer with chicken breast fillets. These can be grilled super-quickly (you can use a microwave or jug of hot water to defrost them). You can dress them up with a mushroom sauce, drizzle them with pesto (a store cupboard stalwart) or whip up a quick tomato, olive oil and garlic sauce, served with pasta. The latter is a good solution if you have vegetarians at the table. Vegans and vegetarians alike will be delighted with a chickpea, coconut and spinach dahl. Lentils, tinned chickpeas and coconut milk are store cupboard staples, and it’s a good idea to have spinach in the freezer.
It is, of course, a faux-pas to bring an uninvited plus one to dinner without adequate warning. The fault is with the guest who has taken the liberty of bringing the extra person, but it is the host who must pay the price and frantically re-appraise catering options, juggle with ingredients, and even accommodate special dietary requirements.
At Christmas, there is also a high risk of spontaneous invitations and last-minute bouts of bonhomie that bring unanticipated guests to the festive table. It is important during this most hospitable time of the year to be well-prepared for all contingencies.
The ideal option is to bulk up your existing menu with rice, French bread, an extra dish of peas from the freezer, a large bowl of salad. Even though the main dish might have to be stretched further, the table will be groaning with offerings and will look generous and hospitable. Introduce a cheese course to stretch food even further – if you are following the French style, you will have it between the main course and pudding; the English fashion is to eat cheese at the end of the meal, preferably washed down with a glass of port.
If all else fails, you might have to create some extra last-minute dishes, in which case you can look at the emergency suggestions outlined above.
These are always on the cards when a large group is gathered, spirits are high, and wine is flowing freely. As the host you must immediately quell any post-accident furore and put the lid on the culprit’s self-reproach. Breakages are inevitable – if you know your guests are going to be rowdy and the children are hyped-up and over-excited, don’t use your grandmother’s precious heirloom glasses. Sacrifice your desire for a super-stylish table and opt for more workaday china and glassware. If a guest breaks something that is obviously valuable, they should offer to compensate you, and you should politely refuse.
There are few stains that can’t be removed – even red wine. A little white wine, applied immediately, will neutralise the effect that the red wine has on your carpet. If the wine has dried, dab it with soda water to lift the colour from the carpet fibres. Salt will keep the stain from setting in - leave it on the carpet for about 30 minutes before hoovering it up.
Remember, your guests don’t know what you’ve planned to serve, so they won’t be disappointed when it fails to materialise. The main thing is to keep calm and reserve panic, rage and hysteria for the kitchen, or somewhere suitably private, with the door firmly closed.
Present your rescued, salvaged, or improvised dishes with aplomb and never indulge in an apologetic commentary: “I’m so sorry, this was meant to be a light and fluffy soufflé, but it hasn’t risen and it’s more like a concrete brick...” and so on. Anxiety is infectious and your guests will have a much better time if they feel they are in the hands of a self-confident and capable host.
As the big day approaches, we suggest ten ways to ensure that Christmas goes with a swing, and that tensions, cross words and disappointments do not mar everyone’s enjoyment:
1. Accept Contributions
It is essential that you control your spending at this expensive time of year and don’t use money as a solution to every problem. It is crazy to overspend on gifts and hospitality because you want to be an impeccable host – none of your guests would be happy to learn that you have over-stretched yourself financially to provide a picture-perfect Christmas.
When it comes to hosting, everyone knows that Christmas can be super-expensive, so bite the bullet and communicate clearly with guests and family members beforehand. If one of your guests asks “what can I bring?”, don’t default to the very British “nothing”. Instead, make a pragmatic and helpful suggestion, eg ask your guest to supply the wine for the Christmas lunch, or bring mince pies and a hunk of Stilton. These gestures will not only help you cope with the pressures of hosting, they will also gratify guests, who are anxious to make a Christmas donation.
2. Plan for All Contingencies
It goes without saying that you will stock your freezer, fridge and cupboards with plentiful supplies of food, and in the days before Christmas you will be purchasing all the fresh food and vegetables necessary for the festive feast. But what if you are suddenly confronted with an extra guest (or more)? How do you react if one of your teenage nieces or nephews casually announces that they’ve gone vegan? How do you cope when the oven packs up on Christmas Day and you’ve got half a dozen hungry guests around your table?
All of these near disasters can be averted if you are well supplied with store cupboard essentials (eg pasta, couscous, rice, anchovies, tuna, pine nuts, dried fruits) as well as ensuring that you have stocks of chicken (thighs and fillets), salmon, prawns, peas, broad beans and pastry in the freezer. With these essentials you have the capacity to whip up alternative meals (or extra dishes) with a minimum of fuss and panic.
3. Pace the Day
Everyone’s Christmas is different, and routines and rituals are extremely varied. It is always a good idea to spread out the main events (eg presents, big meal, games, TV), and to allow intervals between each mini highlight when your guests and family members can relax and re-charge.
This is particularly crucial if you are entertaining older people. Remember that grandparents and members of the older generation may begin to wilt if they’re cooped up for hours on end with over-excited children and may well need to take time out from the festivities – so ensure that they can do so without interruption or interference. This might mean suggesting that they retreat to their own rooms for a cup of tea and a lie down if it all gets too much.
4. Be Relaxed about Rituals
Everyone has their own ideas about how Christmas Day should be celebrated, but if you are hosting you will need to be flexible about your own time-honoured Christmas traditions. Don’t lay down the law (“we always have a glass of champagne while we open our presents at 11am and sit down for lunch at 1pm). It is much more courteous to suggest that this is how the day should be celebrated, and to use tentative phrases like “we usually open our presents mid-morning and have a glass of champagne. Would that suit you?”. Guests will feel that they are fully participating in the day and not being steamrollered.
Similarly, if you are a guest, it is your primary responsibility to be flexible about your hosts’ Christmas routines and timetable. You might feel that they eat far too late, and open presents far too early, but you should not comment on these perceived transgressions. Go with the flow and follow your host’s lead.
5. Welcome Help
You might have the fantasy of being the perfect Christmas host, who works away seamlessly and efficiently in the background and produces an exquisitely cooked meal without breaking a sweat.
The reality is that most of us find cooking the Christmas meal a stressful experience. We crave perfection, but frequently must be satisfied with more workaday compromises, and the coordination and scale of the catering effort can make us feel very frazzled.
It is therefore a good idea to accept offers of help and assistance; hand out specific jobs, for example peeling vegetables or doing some pre-emptive washing up, to avoid being swamped by a host of bumbling, well-meaning guests who have no idea what is required. If you’re a tentative cook, ask other people for advice – guests will feel gratified if you defer to them or consult them.
If you cannot abide having other people in the kitchen when you’re busy, be gracious about it and don’t act the martyr.
6. Don’t Expect Perfection
You may well have your own notions about the perfect Christmas Day, but if you are marshalling a large, and probably disparate, group of people, they are likely to have their own ideas. You might have a scheme to play convivial family games on Christmas afternoon but find that everyone else has designs on the sofa and the big movie. If that is the case, accept it. Christmas is a communal celebration and families need to negotiate their own compromises. Being chivvied into activities that they don’t enjoy is a sure-fire way of creating bad feelings and tension.
7. Be Grateful for Gifts
We all fantasise about a perfect array of Christmas presents, but must accept that, more often than not, some will fall short of our expectations (unless you’re an excited child). However disappointed you are, you should be able to disguise your feelings of dismay and disappointment behind a mask of appreciation. When you are given a present, take your time; admire the wrapping, speculate about the contents of the package. Open it slowly and deliberately (children will of course tear open their presents in an unstoppable frenzy, which is inevitable). Whatever the package contains, exclaim over it, conscientiously thank the giver (who may well be anxiously looking on) and, if you can possibly think of a positive comment, make it.
You may already be planning to regift it or return it, but these considerations should be kept to yourself – it is important on Christmas Day to project a general air of positivity and gratitude.
8. Stay Upbeat and Positive
Christmas is a time to celebrate, so you must do your best to keep the conversation light and convivial. If possible, steer away from controversial topics, such as politics and religion, and recognise that now is not the time for family arguments or squabbles. If you are entertaining a guest from outside the family, be careful about letting the conversation get too inward-looking or family orientated, which will make them feel like outsiders. Family jokes, anecdotes and recollections are all part of the joy of Christmas, but you must be mindful of guests, and provide explanations and expositions. It is good to try and draw out guests by using conventional small talk techniques; questions should be gently probing, rather than directly interrogative, and you should try and elicit information by indirect means. Above all, be inclusive and do not let anyone feel overlooked, marginalised or excluded.
Don’t panic if the chatter is banal and food, TV and present-orientated – Christmas is a shared experience and it’s good to reinforce feelings of companionship and bonhomie.
9. Don’t be a Scrooge
If you have agreed to be a Christmas guest, you are under a moral obligation to embrace the Christmas spirit – no cynicism, no grumpiness, no sulking. If you are an irredeemable Scrooge, then don’t inflict yourself, or your negativity, on other people at Christmas time.
.So if you have accepted a Christmas invitation, even if it against your better judgment, plaster a warm smile on your face and keep soldiering on, whatever is thrown at you. You may not enjoy crackers, charades or singsongs and may prefer to snooze away the afternoon in front of the TV with a glass of whisky, but that is not your prerogative. You must grit your teeth and get on with it. This is one occasion where you simply can’t bow out, so remind yourself that it is only one day out of 365 and join in with good grace.
10. Remember, it’s not for Everyone
Christmas can appear to be an all-encompassing, smothering tide of saccharine celebration, which can feel like a terrible affront if you are going through hard times yourself, for example illness, bereavement, divorce. Or you might simply be one of those people who finds it difficult to comply with communal expectations to be joyful and convivial and cannot summon up any appetite for Christmas celebrations.
If you’re a fan of Christmas, or even just a person who takes it in their stride as a traditional part of the annual calendar, you must accept that not everyone will feel the same way. When you are confronted by someone who refuses to participate in the annual rite, for whatever reason, you really must accept that is their prerogative and not become a Christmas cheerleader, who frantically tries to enlist their participation in the festivities. Learn to listen to what people are actually saying, to empathise with what they might be feeling, and to accept that they are completely entitled to withdraw.
Kissing under the mistletoe is an integral part of Christmas celebrations, although it suffered something of a setback during the Covid pandemic when we were all nervous about keeping our distance. This is a venerable tradition, rooted in the pagan antecedents of Christmas, so it is likely to prove resilient and live on. We take a look at the ritual of the festive kiss, lay down some rules of mistletoe etiquette, and offer some hints about politely avoiding unwanted advances.
The Greeks and Romans revered mistletoe, which they believed could cure everything from spleen disorders to epilepsy. The plant’s tendency to blossom in the depths of winter gave it a special resonance for the Celtic Druids, who saw it as a sacred symbol of vigour, which they administered to humans and animals alike as a means of restoring fertility.
However, the earliest references to kissing under the mistletoe date to the 18th century. It soon became associated with lustful boys and bashful girls and was initially characterised as enjoyable horseplay for the servant classes. Early depictions of this ritual show the girls struggling to escape the boys’ clutches, so it is suggested that the mistletoe was wielded as a means of securing their compliance – perhaps because they believed that resisting would lead to bad luck.
When the American writer Washington Irving visited England and observed this tradition he described it in his Sketch Book. A minor English ritual was introduced to a large American audience, which was eager to embrace it as a symbol of festive cheer.
•Be considerate: If you are feeling a cold or sore throat coming on, don’t tough out the Christmas celebrations, and certainly don’t engage in close physical contact under the mistletoe. Make your excuses and go home.
•Make sure you pick a willing partner and that you won’t make them feel embarrassed or uncomfortable by asking for a kiss (and you should always ask first, no grabbing).
•If you’re indulging in under-the-mistletoe hugs at an office party, don’t get carried away with drink and over-enthusiasm. Grasping the boss in a drunken embrace will be an embarrassing memory the morning after – remember, no matter how convivial the event, office hierarchies still underpin everything.
• Decide in advance, are you going to proffer one kiss or two? Be cautious with strangers – two kisses may seem over the top, even in a festive environment.
• Maintain a discreet distance. If in doubt, don’t combine your kiss with a full hug, which will draw your target into your personal space. Lean forward and, if that feels too stand-offish, lightly rest your hands on the target’s shoulders or upper arms.
• It is customary to kiss the other person’s right cheek first (that’s the one to your left!). Deflect any “meet-in-the-middle” embarrassment with humour or a friendly apology.
•Remember, a social ‘kiss’ is just the briefest touch of your cheek against the other person’s. You can pucker your lips to suggest a kiss, but do not let them touch the other person’s check. Don’t kiss the air or make exaggerated “mwah, mwah” sound effects.
• Thank the other person and wish them a Merry Christmas.
Remember, it is traditionally considered bad luck to refuse a kiss under the mistletoe, but it is undoubtedly true that some people find the whole mistletoe ritual tacky, and fear it is a barely disguised excuse to grab unwilling targets and pull them into a close physical embrace. If you recoil at the prospect, the safest bet is to steer clear of the mistletoe and engage in animated conversation if you see an enthusiast lurching purposefully in your direction.
If that feels too antisocial – after all, a festive peck is all part of Christmas fun – you can clasp the other person’s shoulders as a way of keeping them at a distance, rather than drawing them in, and then briefly lunge for the region to the side of their ears. An off-kilter kiss is preferable to no kiss at all.
