Tact is the skill of handling a delicate situation and emerging with everyone still smiling. It is the ability to steer the staunch socialist away from the right-wig reactionary without either of them even knowing the other one was there. Those of us who come back from every party wracked with guilt about what we said or did long to possess tact.
The ability to do or say the right thing, however delicate or challenging the situation, is rooted in a well-developed sense of empathy, the ability to understand how other people are feeling. This means that you are alert to every scenario, able to rapidly assess possible pitfalls or awkwardness and have the skill to smoothly steer away the conversation from the danger zone. If embarrassing or awkward questions must be confronted, you will be able to do so in the most tactful way possible, ensuring that you minimise upset or distress.
Tact, or the lack of it, is threaded through our every encounter. If you are interacting with friends or colleagues who you know well, then you should be aware of their circumstances, preoccupations and vulnerabilities, and therefore able to calibrate the possible impact of what you say or do. It could, for example, be a case of resisting the temptation to bang on about your promotion to your unemployed friend, remembering not to moan about the service in your luxurious holiday hotel to the colleague who hasn’t had a holiday all year, or steering the conversation away from anecdotes about much-loved pets because you’re aware that one of your friends’ dogs has just died.
A tactful person is adept at weighing up the benefits and downsides of blurting out the truth and may well decide that a discreet silence or swift change of subject is the better option. If somebody is telling you about how much they are looking forward to the holiday they’ve booked in a place you really didn’t like, the tactful option is to say nothing, or maybe to gently steer them to the better end of town, the least crowded beach, the acceptable restaurant. The booking has already been made and what is the possible benefit of clouding their sense of excitement and anticipation with you own gloomy prognostications?
Indeed, it is often the case that your opinion is sought when it is too late for it to have an impact – on home décor, clothes, food, holidays, and so on. In these instances, people are seeking endorsement, not the unvarnished truth, so the tactful option is to eschew a completely honest answer and instead find something positive to say.
Hosts and hostesses in particular benefit from a highly developed sense of tact. As they observe proceedings unfold, they need to be aware of social dynamics and alert to possible pressure points. They should be ready at any stage to intervene with a polite interjection, an elegant change of subject, an introduction, a plea for help (asking someone to assist you with serving or social duties is a tactful way of heading off rows or confrontations). The most tactful people can steer and manipulate conversations so subtly that nobody is aware of their machinations and manoeuvrings.
Ultimately, tact is about generosity of spirit, and comes from a genuine desire to build a positive and constructive environment in which relationships can develop and thrive. It is an invaluable skill professionally, as it helps to build a congenial atmosphere in which there is a willingness to listen to other people and work together to solve problems.
Inevitably, there is a hint of dishonesty in the whole notion of tact, but a little dash of duplicity is surely acceptable if it’s to spare someone else’s feelings. It is an unselfish art, where the tactful one removes himself or herself from the context to think only about others, and that can never be a bad thing.
By contrast, there is something selfish and thoughtless about being tactless: at best, a crass inability to avoid putting one’s foot in it – at a cost to other people’s feelings or sensibilities – or, at worst, a wilful ignorance about the effect your own words can have on others. This is often the case with iconoclasts and disruptors, who enjoy provocation and thrive on discord, frequently causing discomfort and distress to other people. “A tactless man is like an axe on an embroidery frame”, says an old Malay proverb – how much better to be the one who stiches a situation back together again.
We all agree that society is becoming much less deferential, and that acute social anxiety when it comes to protocol, precedence and titles is diminishing.
But people still have titles, whether they are inherited or bestowed, and it is still a mark of respect and consideration to go to the trouble of using them correctly. Making mistakes may not be an act of social suicide, as it once was, but it can look slapdash and over-casual. Using the correct title gets you off on the right foot and is an easy way to ensure that you are taken seriously, especially when you are writing to strangers.
British titles can appear confusing and contradictory, and it is hardly surprising that people frequently make the following common mistakes:
•All ranks below duke are called Lord or Lady TITLE in conversation. Do not address them as, for example, earl or baroness except on an envelope or a public list, such as list of patrons or directors, for example at a formal charity event.
•This means that, when you meet a titled person, you should say, for example “Good morning, Lord Debrett” not “Good morning earl.” Dukes are the exception, and you would address a duke as follows: “Good morning, duke”.
•The most common confusion is first and last names. Knights, baronets and dames are formally addressed as follows: title-first name-last name, for example Dame Maggie Smith. If you were to meet her in person, you would address her as follows: “Good morning, Dame Maggie”.
•Daughters and younger sons of dukes and marquesses and daughters of earls are addressed as follows: Lord/Lady-first name-last name, for example the fictional Lady Mary Crawley in Downton Abbey, the daughter of an earl, is informally and verbally addressed as Lady Mary.
•Sons of earls and sons and daughters of viscounts and barons are called the Honourable, shortened to the Hon, but always referred to (other than on envelopes and official lists) as Mr, Mrs, Miss or Ms.
•All life peers are barons or baronesses, and some female life peers have chosen to use the title ‘Baroness’, rather than ‘Lady’. If they choose this style, then it should be respected even though it is technically incorrect. For example, Baroness Garden (title-surname), but some famous life peeresses are commonly, and erroneously, addressed as, for example, “Baroness Margaret Thatcher” (ie their forename is included).
•People often tend to think the wife of a baronet (for example Sir John Debrett), is called Lady Jane Debrett. She is only Lady Jane if she is the daughter of a duke, marquess or earl. To be correct, she is Lady Debrett. It is obviously tempting to call her Lady Jane because her husband is Sir John, but that would be incorrect.
•It works the other way round as well. If daughter of a duke, marquess or earl is married to a plain mister she is called, for example, Lady Charlotte Berkeley (or, informally, “Lady Charlotte”) and he stays Mr James Berkeley. It would be wrong to call her Lady Berkeley.
•Daughters and sons of a viscount or baron have the courtesy title of “The Hon” (though they are addressed verbally in conversation as “Miss”, “Mrs” or “Ms”). If someone with the courtesy title of “The Hon” is married to a plain Mr or Mrs, they take their spouse’s surname and add their courtesy prefix: “The Hon Roger and Mrs Jane Maddox or “Mr Roger and The Hon Jane Maddox”.
Some titles are frequently misused, and the erroneous use has become normalised, for example:
•A very a typical mistake is Diana, Lady Berkeley, the former wife of the 18th Baron Berkeley. As an environmental campaigner, she was frequently in the news and incorrectly named as Lady Dido Berkeley.
• When the composer and impresario Andrew Lloyd Webber was given a life peerage in 1997 his surname was hyphenated to distinguish him from appearing to be a son of a duke or marquess with Lloyd as a first name. Realistically this was never very likely to have happened. However, he is often incorrectly referred to in the media as Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.
• Perhaps the most common mistakes people make is when referring to members of the Royal family. We frequently see examples of people calling The Duchess of Sussex “Duchess Meghan” or “Princess Meghan”, and The Princess of Wales, “Princess Kate”. Both of these are incorrect. Referring to them by their birth names is also erroneous, although as The Duchess of Sussex was well-known before her marriage, it is acceptable to still refer to her as Meghan Markle.
For those with a keen interest in the lineage, titles and traditions of the British aristocracy, we invite you to subscribe to our peerage database - a trusted resource for accurate, authoritative insight.
We all value good manners and believe that common courtesy is about being aware of other people’s feelings, being observant, and trying to moderate our behaviour so that it doesn’t impact negatively on the people around us. However, there is a risk that this sort of behaviour could morph into “people pleasing”, a common phenomenon when, to appear “good”, “thoughtful” and “kind”, we repress our own needs and emotions, are over-acquiescent around other people, and avoid conflict at all costs because we fear being rejected, discounted or overlooked.
There is a danger when you compulsively present your best face to the world that you are bottling up your true feelings and projecting an inauthentic version of yourself. Your friends may become frustrated by your bland agreeableness and suspect that you are masking your true emotions. Eventually, the pressures of being a people pleaser will build up and may well lead to outbursts of aggrieved anger and resentment, as well as stress and burnout. If you spend all your time trying too hard to solve everyone else’s problems, there will be very little mental energy left for yourself.
It is easy to confuse people pleasing tendencies with being a kind, considerate, well-mannered person, but that would be a mistake. Good manners are never about eradicating your own personality or deferring completely to the people around you. Instead, you must find acceptable ways of communicating your true self and your feelings and opinions to the world. If you can do so without intemperate rage, and without haranguing or dominating other people, you will not cause offence. A little grit in the oyster – disagreements, disappointment, self-assertion, anger, irritation – is all part of building well-rounded relationships with other people.
•You always agree with everyone and are alarmed by the prospect of deviating from the common consensus.
•You find it extremely hard to say “no” when you are asked for help or favours, or when you are being enlisted to do something that you would rather not do. Saying “yes” is your default position.
•You tend to put your own needs on hold when you are with other people, and you are unwilling to assert or prioritise yourself.
•You feel an anguished sense of responsibility for other people’s emotions. If you are with someone who is in a bad mood, or feeling tetchy, for example, you leap to the conclusion that it must be because of something you’ve done or said.
•You’re a social chameleon: you’ll do whatever it takes to make other people comfortable in social situations, even if it means behaving in a way that makes you uncomfortable (eg agreeing to go on a wild night out of clubbing and drinking when what you really want is a quiet dinner in the local restaurant).
•You avoid conflict at all costs. If there is a heated disagreement amongst your friends, you have a tendency to sit on the fence, or plead ignorance.
•You are a compulsive apologiser, mainly because you feel that – when things have gone wrong, whatever the reason – it is your fault.
•First, you need to acknowledge that you have people pleasing tendencies. Try to examine the times recently you’ve said “yes” when you really mean “no” and think about the number of times in the past few days you’ve acted on other people’s expectations rather than your own wishes.
•You’ll probably find that you naturally default to saying “yes” to everything, so experiment with buying yourself a bit of time by pausing. You could say “I’ll have to think about it”. Use the time to ask yourself “do I really want to do this?” before giving your reply.
•Make small incremental changes. Experiment with saying “no” to a small request and seeing how this makes you feel. You might feel better if you mitigate the negative with a short, and truthful, explanation: for example, say “no thanks” to the offer of an after-work drink, with the brief “I’m just too tired to socialise tonight.” You will be surprised and gratified to find that your explanations will be accepted and your decision to take note of your own feelings will not endanger your friendships.
Increasing numbers of us are regarding the dream of owning our own homes as a distant prospect, while rising rents are forcing many people to live in communal shared households. And it’s not just students and people in their 20s who are just starting out on their adult lives. Older people are being increasingly forced by circumstances (eg divorce, redundancy, bereavement) to consider the communal option.
A harmonious household can be an excellent social resource, providing on-tap company and plentiful human contact. But we all know that living together can be a hazardous affair and that gripes and grievances can all too easily escalate and get out of hand. When the atmosphere begins to turn Arctic (and not just because one of your flatmates has turned down the thermostat), you will need all your reserves of empathy, courtesy and diplomacy to negotiate your way out of trouble. Before it comes to this, watch out carefully for the following pressure points:
•Money
You need to sit down and openly discuss money before you all move in together. That means confronting inequities (eg very small rooms vs spacious master bedrooms) and finding ways to accommodate them (using a sliding rent scale to match room size). It also means working out how you are going to divide bills, who is going to look after household bills, perhaps agreeing a date on the month on which standing orders should be paid, or discussing whether each tenant should make a monthly contribution for a household kitty, covering the cost of basics like tea, coffee, sugar, cleaning products, and so on.
It really is worth spending time hashing out these questions before you’ve actually started living together. If misunderstandings and ambiguities arise later, it’s much more onerous to raise and resolve them.
•Culture
Desperation can lead to some very strange households, which bring together an assortment of people who seem to be startlingly incompatible. It is essential that you go to some time and trouble to find people who are like-minded and compatible in a whole range of different ways. Night owls who like to socialise after midnight and enjoy clattering noisily around the house and playing music in the early hours of the morning will not fit comfortably with early risers who are tucked into bed by 10pm. People who have made very marked lifestyle choices (eg veganism) may not find it easy to share with people whose idea of an excellent breakfast is fried bacon and black pudding.
There are also more subtle questions: do prospective tenants want to socialise, maybe eat and drink together now and then, create a “house culture”? Or are they all rugged individuals, whose idea of shared living is to stay firmly in their own room, making occasional dashes for the kitchen where their food is neatly stowed away and clearly labelled? Obviously, these two stances do not mix, but a surprising number of housemates find themselves living cheek by jowl with people who are fundamentally different and mixing it up is not invariably successful. It is much more sensible to do your due diligence, and thoroughly explore these questions before you choose your housemates.
•Hygiene
Everyone has different standards when it comes to kitchen and bathroom hygiene, but in shared households it is always best to default to a “leave no trace” option. Always clear up after yourself, whether that means doing the washing up late at night after a riotous dinner party or ensuring that you have wiped down bathroom surfaces after your morning shower. This might require a level of diligence that does not come naturally, but cleanliness can be a real trigger point, and nobody wants to find themselves having bitter rows about greasy surfaces or dirty pots and pans. And remember, it’s a shared responsibility to take out the rubbish bins and sort the recycling; take your turn and don’t let it become the sole responsibility of one harassed individual.
•Territorial Questions
Before you embark on an epically long shower or take over the kitchen for yet another of your elaborate supper parties involving an inordinate number of ingredients, utensils and pots, spare a thought for your flat mates. One of them might be desperate to use the bathroom before setting off for work, or keen to knock up a dinner-for-one on the night of your supper party. Nobody in a shared household should wield greater rights over communal space than anybody else, so you really need to think carefully about other people’s access. Communication is key: if you’re having people around, give fair warning and check that it’s okay with everybody else. Be wary of hogging the shared bathroom – save your most indulgent grooming sessions for times when the flat is empty.
It’s all about consideration: you need to keep reminding yourself that your actions will have an impact on other people and ensuring that you minimise any fall-out. If you lapse or get it wrong, which inevitably will happen, a swift and heartfelt apology will go a long way.
•Heat
In these straitened times the question of central heating can be highly charged. We all have different body clocks and comfort levels, and some people will inevitably prefer to keep the thermostat up high, which may well cause resentment amongst more hardy tenants. Don’t let these feelings fester; it’s quite acceptable to point out that keeping the flat at sauna levels all day has profound financial consequences (a smart meter will make that calculation horribly clear). Try and work out a compromise about when it’s acceptable to have the heating on (probably mornings and evenings); in the daytime more sensitive tenants might have to deploy blankets, thermal underwear and hot water bottles to fight off the chill.
Most people who share a flat or house will encounter problems at some point and if they are handled well, they need not be insuperable. If a problem has been brewing, try the following:
•Don’t just blurt out your complaint while the recipient is going about their business in the kitchen – it will come across as hectoring. Instead, say “I think there are some issues we need to discuss” and suggest going out for a drink, or meeting around the kitchen table later in the day. This will buy some time for people to reflect and might mean they’re better prepared and less liable to fly off the handle.
•Don’t just list crimes and misdemeanours, try and explain the consequences for other people. So saying “you never wash up your dinner things before you go to bed” is simply accusatory and may elicit a defensive reaction; saying “if you don’t wash up your dinner things before you go to bed, it means that us early risers are having to clear up before we can have breakfast and get off to work and it’s not a great start to the day, especially if we’re in a rush” conveys how you feel and may go some way towards eliciting sympathy and understanding.
•If possible, try to enlist the presence of a “neutral” third party, who can mediate between you and make the conversation feel less confrontational.
•Be very wary of leaving notes around the household with complaints or instructions. These will come across as dictatorial and officious – it is much better to have an open discussion.
•Don’t resort to passive aggression on household WhatsApp groups. If you send out a message saying, “Just thinking it would be great if we could all remember to wash up our breakfast stuff!” it is clearly directed at one (or more) offender, and everyone knows who it is. It would be much better to confront the situation directly, face to face, which is always a more effective medium.
•Above all, don’t let grievances fester and accumulate until you are a seething mass of resentment. If you do so, you may well find that the confrontation, when it finally comes, is catastrophic and the damage to your relations with your housemates is terminal.
The commercialisation of Halloween knows no bounds. Entire aisles in supermarkets are dedicated to costumes, decorations and themed sweets and unsurprisingly children everywhere are excited about the chance to dress up, go out on a dark night, flirt with demonic thrills and amass vast quantities of sugary treats.
If you’re a parent, you are probably already feeling sucked into the Halloween maelstrom. Costumes are being devised, trick or treating expeditions are being planned, Halloween parties and decorations are the order of the day. It’s hard to resist the excitement of your children and inevitably you are taken over by the whole orgy of spookiness.
Or you may be someone who just loves the chance to dress up, decorate the house, throw a themed party. You’ll already have your pumpkins carved and ready to advertise your willingness to participate, and you’re happy to spend hours creating costumes and experimenting with inventive make-up, so that you can transform yourself into a Halloween horror. You will undoubtedly be welcoming visitors with open arms (and a witchy cackle).
But many people find the Halloween season uncongenial. They don’t have children, they’re not interested in dressing up, they feel unmoved by the whole parade of ghouls, vampires, zombies and witches. Halloween poses a problem: can they simply ignore it, or will they be condemned as Scrooge-like party poopers?
If you live in a safe, friendly neighbourhood, populated by many families with young children, you might have to accept that not participating will be seen as un-neighbourly. Harassed parents might feel disappointed that you’re not willing to play the game and may find your lack of cooperation troubling. In these circumstances, you might have to bite the bullet and accept that trick or treaters will be ringing your doorbell on Halloween and you are going to have to make sure there is something to give them.
•Arm yourself with a generous stock of shop-bought sweets (home-made treats are risky; you wouldn’t want to trigger a nut allergy).
•Switch on outdoor and porch lights if possible, so there won’t be any tripping on the path or trampling of flowerbeds. If you’re really prepared to enter the Halloween spirit, you could place a candlelit jack o’-lantern in a front window or in the porch to advertise your good will.
•Answer the door with a friendly smile on your face, and express admiration for the parade of costumes on display, no matter how bizarre. Never question a small child about their costume; they will find your challenge overwhelming and may become tongue-tied and upset.
•Hand out the sweets (don’t leave them in a bowl by the door, or they’ll all be gone in the first few minutes), wish your visitors a good night and firmly close the door.
•Repeat for the next couple of hours.
In circumstances where you do not feel that refusing visitors is going to disappoint neighbours or get you a bad name as a mean-spirited grump, you might well decide that you would like to forget the whole Halloween experience. Maybe you live in a secluded spot and find the prospect of people crashing around your garden alarming; perhaps you live alone and treat winter evenings as a sacrosanct time, when you can retreat into the peace and safety of your home, with no fear of disturbance.
In these circumstances it is best to draw the curtains and switch out (or at least dim) the lights. While nobody should have to cower in their home on Halloween, it’s best not to advertise your presence too clearly or you may find yourself being harassed by importunate visitors.
If you’re worried that a steady stream of determined visitors is likely to be beating a path to your door, perhaps you should take Halloween as a good opportunity to go out for a meal or a trip to the cinema. If the house is truly empty and unoccupied, you will be beyond reproach.
In the UK most trick or treaters are primary school age, and they are only allowed out early in the evening (often with supervising parents or older siblings in tow), especially on school nights. There is no legal upper age limit, but it is undoubtedly true that teenage trick or treaters might come across as more intimidating, especially to older people, who may well be fearful of uncouth, menacing behaviour or even vandalism. If in doubt, switch off the lights and don’t answer the door.
Trick or treaters should take the hint, accept that they’re confronted by the household that is not participating in the Halloween horror show, and move on.
Latest figures from the Office of National Statistics (2020) indicate that 36.8% of opposite-sex couples and 30.1% of same-sex couples are not marrying for the first time. It is likely that many couples who are planning their weddings are wondering how they should handle the fact that at least one of them is remarrying, and pondering what impact this should have on their arrangements.
The scale and tone of second (and subsequent) marriages depends very much on individual circumstances. The key is to be sensitive and considerate to everyone involved and to use effective communication to manage their expectations and avoid upsetting situations.
If both of you have been married previously, then it is usual to dispense with much of the pomp and circumstance of a traditional wedding and opt for a smaller, low-key affair with close friends and family. This may be a simple register office ceremony, followed by a meal or a drinks reception. Some churches allow a ceremony for a second marriage; if this is not possible, a service of blessing may be held for those who wish to include a religious aspect.
If, however, one of the parties, in particular the bride, is marrying for the first time, then it is likely that the wedding will take more of a traditional route. It may be advisable, especially if children from the first marriage are involved, to openly acknowledge that this is a second marriage.
Traditional wedding invitations would name a divorced bride by her married name (“Mrs Charlotte Debrett”), whereas it is increasingly common for divorced women to revert to their maiden name (“Miss/Ms Charlotte Berkeley”).
Many remarrying couples will choose to host their own wedding and the invitation should be prepared in their own names: “Charlotte Berkeley and Timothy Curzon request the pleasure etc”
Whatever style of wedding seems most appropriate, bear in mind that there are no strictures or conventions that forbid the couple from following traditions that are associated with first marriages. It is quite acceptable for a re-marrying bride to wear white if that is her preference, or she may take a second marriage as an opportunity to defy convention with a bold new colour choice and she is entirely within her rights to do so.
As a rule, it is wise to accept that a second marriage is the signal of a fresh start and to reflect this symbolically in the way in which the wedding is styled. Rather than slavishly re-enacting aspects of a first marriage ceremony (season, venue, style of dress, choice of wedding party, reception rituals), going down a very different route and designing a novel and contrasting ceremony will go a long way towards drawing a line under the first marriage. A winter register office with the bride in crimson velvet followed by a sit-down lunch at a smart London hotel will feel a million miles away from a summer county church wedding with the bride dressed in white lace, followed by a large marquee reception in her parents’ garden.
If the bride or bridegroom has been widowed, then sensitivity should be shown to the family of the deceased, and their status should openly be acknowledged. This means, if possible, inviting them to join immediate family (at the church, register office, or reception venue), and referencing them in speeches.
If the groom has been widowed, he should naturally refer to the loss of his first wife and his gratitude to her family for attending; if the bride has been widowed, then it might be more appropriate for her father to acknowledge her first husband in his speech. It is increasingly common for after-wedding speeches not to follow the conventional father of the bride-bridegroom-best man pattern, in which case mention of the deceased spouse can be accommodated by one of the other speakers, or by the bride herself. The important thing is not to make the family of the deceased feel excluded or bypassed; remember, it may take a super-human effort for them to attend these celebratory nuptials in the circumstances and they should be applauded for doing so.
Given that remarrying couples are probably older and already have set up at least one home, the conventions about gift-giving should be reviewed. Setting up an ambitious gift list for a second marriage, when you have already done so for your first marriage, might look acquisitive and insensitive. You might consider adding a “No wedding presents” plea to your invitation, or perhaps suggest that guests contribute to your chosen charity.
Asking for money can often be awkward, but it is becoming more accepted. It is important for the bride and bridegroom to communicate clearly that the money is going towards something specific, such as a honeymoon.
You can put a great deal of thought into planning a second marriage, but the whole day can turn sour if you don’t behave well. Follow these simple rules:
• Don’t allow yourself to become jaded. While the trappings of the wedding may bring back unhappy memories, your new partner may be marrying for the first time and will be enthusiastic to embark on a new adventure.
• Participate fully and do not allow the failure of your first marriage to poison the second wedding day.
• If you already have a divorce behind you and your partner is marrying for the first time, be prepared to find an air of awkwardness and nervousness permeating relations with your new in-laws. This is quite understandable – you do not have a good track record. Devote all your energies to reassuring them of your commitment to the new marriage.
• Don’t sweep your first marriage under the carpet as it may cause confusion for your children and extended family.
• It is quite appropriate to make a brief reference to a previous marriage in the speeches – keep any allusions wry, affectionate and light-hearted.
•Behave as if you are embracing your past, not obliterating it.
Traditionally ex-partners weren’t invited to remarriages, but social customs have become more fluid, and you may find yourself on the guest list. If the whole notion of the remarriage makes you feel ill, politely refuse the invitation (no explanation needed).
If you do attend your ex-partner’s wedding it is imperative that you act impeccably. Don’t attempt to upstage the bride or groom. Don’t drink too much and turn maudlin or aggressive. You might be wise to tip off friends to look out for you and make it their job to escort you home as soon as they see your social façade begin to wobble.
The bride or groom may want children from previous marriages to play an important role on the big day, eg act as pages or bridesmaids. Accept that this is their right and do everything you can to facilitate your children’s participation. Never threaten your ex-partner with non-cooperation.
It’s half-term and families are on the move. This is a week when parents and children may be packing their bags and setting off for overnight stays with friends and family, many of whom may be childless or empty nesters. This poses challenges for hosts and guests alike, so it is a good idea to think about the situation beforehand and arm yourself against possible difficulties and conflicts. Tolerance, flexibility and an ability to compromise will go a long way in smoothing out potential problems.
It is sensible to discuss routines, diets and sleeping arrangements with the guests beforehand and do your best to accommodate them. Now is not the time to impose your own theories about childcare on to harassed parents. If you find they have very different notions about bath times, bedtimes, television viewing, mealtimes and so on, it is best to, as far as possible, go along with them. Stirring up conflict with parents or acting disapprovingly is going to make for a very difficult stay.
Do your best beforehand to prepare for the invasion. Ensure that young children are accommodated in their parents’ guest room, or very close by. Child-proof your house; this means removing delicate ornaments that are vulnerable to boisterous play or curious fingers, even if all you do is put them on a high inaccessible shelf.
If possible, disinter some of your children’s old, discarded toys or borrow some from a sympathetic friend. Cruise the charity shops for suitable children’s books and make sure you’re well equipped with paper, colouring in books and crayons. Dig out board games and packs of playing cards. Parents will be touched by all the efforts you have made.
Food can be a deeply contentious issue, so listen carefully to the parents’ account of their child’s particular likes and dislikes. Within reason, do your best to accommodate them; stock up with a special cereal, fishfingers or baked beans if necessary. If the parents are very anti junk foods, take note: it would be extremely provocative to ply their children with crisps, biscuits and fizzy drinks.
Dealing with Difficulties
If you find the children are out of control or disruptive, remember that reproaching other people’s children for their behaviour is very dangerous territory. So, if they’re charging up and down your landing at the crack of dawn, or insisting on staying up and disrupting your dinner at 11pm, you’ll need to alert the parents. This can be done in a tactful, non-confrontational way:
For example, you could say you’ve left out some breakfast cereals in case the children get up early and add that they’re welcome to turn on the tv (show them how). The clear message here is that you don’t want to be dragged out of bed in the early hours.
If you’re worried about evening disruption, you could tell your guests that you are planning to serve dinner at 8pm, which will give them time to bath the children and get them to bed beforehand. They really should get the message.
If you’re bringing your children to stay with child-free hosts, for example grandparents, you will need to communicate with them beforehand. Don’t make your ‘briefing’ sound like a list of peremptory commands, but at least explain food fads or allergies and give some idea of your child’s daily routines.
When you arrive with your children, you should not see your hosts as child-minders, or arrive with any expectation that you will be able to dump childcare onto them. You are primarily responsible for your children, even if it means getting up hours before the rest of the household to accommodate their morning routine, or leaving the dinner table at night because a child needs to be settled. You must accept this role with good grace and never play the martyr.
When you first arrive, especially if you have very young children, give the house a quick once-over for traps and hazards. Your hosts may think they’ve child-proofed adequately, but it’s always wise to double check.
Do your best to be flexible and to fit in with the household routines. It is a good idea to come armed with snacks (you may find that mealtimes are very different from your own and you children get hungry and tetchy). Try to ensure that your children don’t turn mealtimes into a circus that ruins your hosts’ enjoyment; if they’re liable to play up when it comes to food, it might be a good idea to suggest that you feed them separately so that the adults can be left in peace. If your children are very young and still at the food-throwing stage, you must take responsibility for clearing up after them.
If your children are older, check with the host about whether they will be joining the adults for dinner. It might well be acceptable for them to eat separately and then commune with their laptops or the television in another room while the adults eat and talk.
Come well equipped with toys and books, laptops and tablets to keep your children entertained during the boring hiatuses when adults are chatting. But be mindful of your children’s possessions and don’t leave them cluttering up the living spaces or spread all over the floor.
Unless they are invited to do so by the host, children should not turn on the television. They should also be told not to help themselves to food and drink from the host’s fridge and always to ask politely if they would like a drink or snack.
Dealing with Difficulties
Children will tend to play up if they’re bored or are subjected to too much exposure to incomprehensible adult conversation, while being told to sit still and stop fidgeting. Of course, it is always a good idea to integrate children into adult meals and conversations, and that is how they learn good manners, but you must accept that there are limits to their endurance. So, keep a careful eye on them and let them get down from the table and play elsewhere when they begin to show ominous signs of restiveness.
Noisy antics at anti-social hours will fray the nerves of even the most tolerant hosts, so you will really need to impress on children the challenge of being quiet at these times. Bringing laptops and tablets that will distract them during these dangerous periods is always a good idea.
Being reticent, according to the dictionary, is “not revealing one’s thoughts or feelings readily”. This quintessentially British characteristic was much valued at a time when it was considered entirely inappropriate for money, illness or sex to be discussed in polite society. Indeed, any assertion of individuality or tendencies towards self-expression were seen as “unfortunate” and were ruthlessly suppressed by a rigorous and disciplined educational system.
Reticence is manifest in a firm sense of individual privacy, and a feeling that it is intrusive to ask personal questions. While in many countries, detailed interrogation about family, children, educational qualifications and personal wealth is the norm, many Britons will recoil from such honest scrutiny. If they are curious about someone else, they are prone to ask oblique questions or to try and establish credentials by roundabout means.
Look up synonyms of reticence and you will find words like “reserved’, “bashful” and “shy”. All these terms, with their slightly negative connotations, are misleading. Reticence is a positive choice, not emanating from feelings of social awkwardness but rooted in a strong sense of individual boundaries.
Today, personal revelations are the very stuff of celebrity and reality tv culture, we bare our all on social media and self-expression is seen as a fundamental human right. Undoubtedly, some of this new freedom is a natural reaction against a rigid and formal society, although many traditionalists feel that the cult of self-expression has swung too far.
In the social context, chattiness is seen as a desirable social skill. Talkative people are sought-after guests, guaranteed to break awkward silences and keep conversations going. Loquaciousness is frequently associated with extroversion, positivity and self-confidence. But we are all aware that it can bring its own problems. A person who likes the sound of their own voice can all too easily turn into a bore, who harangues an audience – frequently trapped by social conventions and unable to escape – into a state of somnolence. Chattiness may well morph into disinhibition; gossip, questionable revelations and unsolicited confessions may all follow and lead to social embarrassment. Ultimately, words may be spoken that should never have been uttered – resentment, anger and self-pity may be unleashed by disinhibition and alcohol.
Reticence, on the other hand, is a discreet character strait. Reticent people are careful listeners, confident enough to resist social pressures to perform and ready to speak only when they have something valuable, interesting or pertinent to say. They are thoughtful and self-controlled, liable to pause for careful thought and consideration before pressing that fatal ‘send’ button, and unleashing torrents of self-revelation and rage on an unsuspecting world.
There is a danger, however, that in social situations they will be seen as withdrawn and reserved, sideline spectators who are unwilling to throw themselves into the fray. It is therefore important that reticence is combined with excellent manners. At best, a truly reticent person will be skilled at the give and take of small talk, and adept at fielding intrusive questions with ironic rejoinders or smooth subject-changes. If their opinion is solicited on a controversial topic or participation is demanded, they will be able to deflect these demands without appearing to be stand-offish or critical. They may be relied upon to make the odd quizzical remark, ask a probing question or query an assertion, thereby making a contribution and providing balance, as well as demonstrating that they are engaged and interested.
Social occasions will inevitably be more successful if reticent and voluble people are mixed. Passionate, impetuous talkers inevitably need a counterbalance to check their wilder excesses and a thoughtful and restrained listener will act as a helpful moderating influence.
A total of 8.3 billion emails are sent every day in the UK alone (as of April 2023). Clearly, we have embraced this form of communication with enthusiasm, and nowhere more so than the workplace., where the average office worker receives over 30 emails per day.
The advantages of email are obvious: it is instant, aids efficiency, and is a brilliant medium for sending enquiries, reports, polite thanks, confirmations of orders and arrangements and much more. A record of all these communications will be retained and accessible, eliminating “he said” “she said” confusion.
But the ease of email also spells danger. Rapid-fire communication may seem like a formula for office efficiency but the ease of sending emails can all too often mean that they are dispatched precipitately, before the sender has scrutinised them carefully and passed them as fit for purpose. A poorly written email might come across as ambiguous or confusing. Without the mellowing effect of the human voice, email language can reek of passive aggression. And in a world where all the old formalities are dissipating, it is sometimes hard to get the tone right, perhaps alienating the recipient with over-punctilious formality, or offending them with too casual a tone.
All these risks are avoidable if a few moments are taken before pressing “send”, and a little thought and consideration is given to writing style.
Emails evolved from conventional letters and many people still adhere to the simple salutation “Dear ….”, which is a safe default.
Those preferring a more casual approach will opt for “Hi”, “Hello” or “Hey”. All of these greetings are perfectly acceptable if you are writing to people who are on your wavelength (eg colleagues, like-minded customers and suppliers), but will seem much too informal if you are writing to, for example, lawyers, accountants, clients or suppliers you have never met before, managers or bosses.
A good rule of thumb, when replying to emails, is to return the greeting that has been used, or some approximation of it. That way you will ensure that you are matching the tone of your correspondent.
Some people try to avoid all the complexity of choosing a greeting by simply adding a peremptory name at the beginning of the email: eg ‘Jim’. This somewhat abrupt greeting sounds impolite and aggressive and should be avoided.
Sometimes greetings are completely dispensed with, but this is only acceptable when you are having a quick and pithy exchange with someone you know well.
Business letters were conventionally signed off with “yours faithfully” or “yours sincerely”; these formal phrases are not commonly used in email communication. As with greetings, the safest bet is to match the tone and formality of emails you have received.
A range of signoffs are now in circulation with “Kind regards” and “Best regards” at the more formal end of the spectrum. “Best wishes” is perhaps the most neutral, while“Cheers” sounds a more informal note. Again, you will need to think about the recipient and your relation to them before you add a sign off – “kind regards” might seem extremely formal if you’re writing to a long-time colleague, while “cheers” might sound just a bit too casual if you’re communicating with your managing director.
If you’re enjoying an extremely casual exchange with someone you know well, you might dispense with signoffs altogether, just adding your name or even your initial.
Signing off with a kiss (x) is fine in certain contexts and with certain people, but it is not the norm in office communications, and it is probably best to think twice if you’re a compulsive email kisser.
Certain phrases in business-related emails can come across as passive-aggressive, and should be wielded with caution:
“I’m not sure if you saw my last email?”
Of course you did – this commonly used phrase is clearly saying “Why have you not had the courtesy to reply?”
“Please advise”
This is standard business parlance but in an email, meaning “Are you going to actually get back to me?”, but it comes across as needlessly brusque. It would be so much more civilised to say, “Could you let me know?”.
“Per my last email”
Beware this officious phrase, which sounds like “We’ve already spoken about this, so when are you actually going to do something?”
“Going forward”
This simple phrase packs a powerful punch, implying “I hope you’re not going to make this mistake again”.
“As you are aware”
This indicates “you already know this, so why am I having to remind you?".
“Correct me if I’m wrong”
This really means “I’m not wrong, you are…”
“Let me clarify”
This exasperated phrase clearly indicates that the writer feels that the matter in hand is extremely simple and straightforward and that a child should be able to understand it.
“Just checking in”
This is one of several phrases that basically mean “When are you actually going to deign to reply to me?”
“Thanks in advance”
This phrase brooks no argument; it means “Get on and do what I’ve asked and make it snappy”.
The hazardous path to writing excellent emails will be considerably eased if you follow these simple rules:
•Do not reply to emails when you’re angry or affronted, or you will say things that you will later regret. If you need to get the emotion off your chest, write an email and save it as a draft – inevitably you will moderate the language when you return to it.
•Use polite phrases to moderate requests and soften criticism. Just using phrases like “Please can you” or “would you be able to” or “I’d be very grateful if you could” will take a lot of potential aggression out of email messages.
•Whenever possible, use the phrase “Thanks” or “Thank you” even if it is only to say, “Thanks for getting back to me” or “Thanks for your very helpful thoughts”.
•Eliminate the need to write passive-aggressive email reminders by being meticulous about replying to your emails promptly, even if it is only to say, “I’ve noted your query and will get back to you later this afternoon”. That way, your correspondents will not be tying themselves up in knots trying to politely extract a response from you.
It is an indisputable fact that being unpunctual is bad manners because it discounts the value of other people’s time. By being late you are effectively forcing the people you are meeting to waste their time – hanging around waiting for someone is deeply frustrating. It is quite likely that being unpunctual has become more common since the advent of mobile phones as there is an assumption that a quick explanatory text and apology erases the offence. But this is not the case. If you are waiting for a late arrival, being informed about the delay is a minor mitigation, but it still means that you are left in limbo, with no recourse but to stay put.
Punctuality should be prioritised and observed both socially and professionally and being consistently unpunctual can have serious consequences. In offices this is perhaps the single issue that causes the most complaints, resentment and animosity. To be late for an interview, a meeting, a conference, a business lunch or just work, without having a good reason that has been communicated to the relevant parties, is universally considered to be bad manners. Being late is not a sign of importance or great industry. It is a sign of poor organisation, or thoughtlessness, or rudeness.
All instances of unpunctuality call for an apology, which should be accompanied by a very brief explanation of why you were late – transport, childcare, domestic emergency etc. Accompany the apology with some demonstration of concern for any impact your lateness may have had on your friends or colleagues.
If you are late for an appointment then the priority above all others is to use your mobile phone to get a message through to the person you are meeting (or the lead person, if you are meeting a group) to let them know that you are going to be late. If possible, you should speak to the person to whom this most matters and you should try and give a reasonable estimate of just how late you are going to be. It is polite to try and speak to the person concerned; if they are not picking up, then leave a text message, which should be clearly written and fully explanatory. If you are going to be very late, then you must consider whether to offer cancelling or postponing the appointment.
For many of us, being late is an occasional hazard, and it is due to factors beyond our control (traffic, train delays, other people). We make our excuses and, because we are known to be generally punctual, are quickly forgiven. But we all know, and are frustrated by, inveterate offenders who are invariably late.
There are many reasons for unpunctuality, but the most common can be summarised as follows:
•Adrenalin Junkies
These people love to live down to the wire. When they were students, they sat up all night finishing their essay, they inevitably are working on an all-important report or speech just minutes before it is due to be delivered. At some level, they feel they cannot function unless they are generating peril and crisis; being unpunctual is a way of creating jeopardy and they can’t stop themselves from doing so.
•Masters of Multitasking
These are people who pride themselves on their unrivalled ability to fit a superhuman amount into every day. They thrive on adding items to ever-growing “to do” lists, schedule tasks for every minute of the day and consistently miscalculate how long everything will take – inevitably they end up wasting other people’s time because they cannot manage their own.
•Scatterbrains
These are people who live in a disordered state of absent-minded distraction. They are forgetful and easily side-tracked, liable to lose possessions, lock themselves out, forget where they have parked the car and so on. It is a miracle that they ever arrive anywhere.
•Powermongers
These people are ambitious, assertive and competitive. They understand the value of time very clearly and regard making other people wait at their beck and call as a power play, which reinforces their status. People who wield their disregard for punctuality as a weapon have no desire to amend their ways; they are beyond redemption.
Being consistently late is a personality trait and can be deeply ingrained, making it difficult to transform yourself into a punctual person. But if you want to improve your timekeeping abilities, it is well worth looking at these three simple tips. It will pay dividends both professionally and socially.
•Create a time sheet
Take a handful of daily tasks (showering, eating your breakfast, walking the dog, walking to the bus stop etc etc). List them and write down your estimate of how long each takes. Then time yourself doing them and you may well find that you are habitual under-estimator. If you have a timing template in your head that is completely out of kilter with reality, you are quite likely to be repeatedly late for everything.
•Discard the idea of being “on time”
It would be wonderful if every journey ran like clockwork, buses and trains adhered strictly to a timetable, and traffic was utterly predictable, but we all know this isn’t the case. You may have an idea about how long a journey takes, for example 30 minutes, and therefore decide to leave the house at 8.30 for a 9.00am appointment. With no contingency built into your timings, you will find that you are often five or ten minutes late. It is common sense to always make a provision for unplanned events or circumstances in your timing estimates.
•Enjoy the wait
If you’re an anxious or driven person, you probably find the prospect of waiting 10 or 15 minutes when you arrive early at an appointment off-putting. Try and turn this time slot into an asset: give yourself time to check your emails, make a call that you’ve been deferring, play a word game on your phone, write a shopping list for later in the day. Rejoice in the little island of peace you have created and remind yourself that the person you are meeting will be pleased and gratified by your punctuality.
