“There are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon tea.”
Henry James
This great British tradition is enduringly popular and is a great way of entertaining a small group of friends without having to commit to hosting a more ambitious, and time-consuming sit-down meal.
It is said that tea was first introduced to Britain by the Portuguese wife of King Charles II, Catherine of Braganza, in the mid-17th century. Tea was considered a ladies’ drink, consumed in the privacy of their own private quarters and served in delicate porcelain cups. These cups followed the Chinese style and were bowl shaped, without handles. It was not until the mid-18th century that handles were introduced, which prevented the ladies from burning their fingers. It is said that the idea of the saucer evolved at about this time when the daughter of a Chinese military officer, who found it difficult to handle hot bowls of tea, asked a local potter to create a little plate on which she could place the bowl. In Victorian times it was quite acceptable to decant hot tea into the saucer to cool it down before sipping it, which was known as a “dish of tea”.
The actual ritual of afternoon tea dates to about 1840 and owes much to Anna, the seventh Duchess of Bedford, who would become hungry at around four o’clock in the afternoon. The evening meal in her household was served fashionably late at eight o’clock, and the interval between lunch and dinner was frustratingly long, leaving her with a ‘sinking feeling’. The Duchess asked for a sustaining tray of tea, bread and butter and cake to be brought to her room during the late afternoon. This became a habit of hers and she began inviting friends to join her.
This pause for tea became a fashionable social event. During the 1880s upper-class and society women would change into long gowns, gloves and hats for their afternoon tea, which was usually an all-female gathering, either served in the lady’s bedchamber or, more formally, in the drawing room between four and five o’clock.
Traditional afternoon tea has now evolved into a light meal, which comprises a selection of dainty sandwiches (including, of course, thinly sliced cucumber sandwiches), followed by cakes, pastries and scones, served with clotted cream and preserves. Tea grown in India or Ceylon is poured from teapots into delicate bone china cups.
After plucking, the fresh leaves are spread out to dry. Then the leaves are either rolled to crush the leaf and release the essential oils and enzymes, or passed through a ‘cut, tear and curl’ machine. After that the tea is left to ferment until it becomes a bright copper colour. Then it’s dried to halt the fermentation and sterilise the leaves. This turns the leaves dark brown or black. Finally, the tea is sorted into the various leaf grades.
•Green Tea
Green teas are not fermented. Immediately after plucking, the leaves are softened by steaming in large iron pans over a fire. They are then rolled and dried.
•Black Tea
Black tea is the most popular variety of tea drunk in the UK and is more oxidized than the oolong, green, and white varieties. After plucking and drying, the leaves are then rolled out so that the mix of warm air, aromatic juices, bacteria and enzymes leads to oxidation (this fermentation is a natural reaction that affects strength and colour). Fermentation is stopped by ‘firing’ the leaves with hot air, which makes them turn black as they dry. Assam, English Breakfast, Kenya, Early Grey, Lapsang Souchong and Darjeeling are all black teas.
•Oolong Tea
Means ‘black dragon’ in Chinese and is traditionally used for a tea that is semi-fermented. After plucking, oolong teas are processed in a similar way to black teas, but the fermentation time is much shorter. They tend to have a large leaf and produce a pale bright liquor with a delicate flavour.
•White Tea
This tea is unfermented; only the unopened bud and sometimes the first new leaf are used.
•Herbal Teas
Herbal and fruit infusions are not in fact produced from the Camellia Sinensis plant, but from other plants and fruits. Herbal teas can be drunk either hot or cold, but it is important to let the infusion steep for a few minutes to extract the flavour. Herbal infusions are made from the fruits, flowers, leaves, seeds or roots of the plant, which are then boiled and strained. Popular herbal teas include camomile, Moroccan mint, peppermint, ginger, lemon balm, cardamon.
•Create your own tea blend
If you want to make your own unique blend, sample as many varieties as possible and make notes on leaf colour, fragrance and taste. Then experiment with combining two different tea types: you might, for example, want to add a small amount of fragrant lapsang souchong to a more robust Darjeeling. Once you’ve arrived at a great blend, make up a caddy-full, keep airtight and note down exactly the quantities you’ve used.
If serving tea for a group, it is worth brewing a pot. Loose leaf tea will taste best but will need to be poured through a tea strainer. A second pot with hot water in it should be provided to dilute over-brewed tea if necessary. Use one rounded teaspoon of tea per cup and leave to brew for 2-4 minutes before pouring. Use water that has boiled but is not actually boiling.
If an afternoon tea is being hosted at home, then it is the hostess’s responsibility to pour the tea. In a hotel or restaurant, if a waiter places a teapot on the table without pouring the tea the person nearest the pot should pour for everyone.
The tea should be poured first and any milk, lemon or sugar added afterwards. In Victorian times hot tea was poured straight into the cup to test the quality of the bone china. Expensive china did not crack.
When serving lemon with tea, place a slice (not chunk) of lemon in the cup after it has been poured. Never add milk to lemon tea; the citric acid in the lemon will make the milk curdle.
When you are served tea in a teacup and saucer at a low table, for example in a drawing room, you should pick up the teacup and saucer. At a dining table, you leave the saucer on the table and raise the cup to your lips.
Hold delicate teacups by pinching the handle between your forefinger and thumb – don’t extend your little finger!
When stirring the tea don’t clink the spoon against your cup. Once you have stirred your tea, remove the spoon from the cup and place it on the saucer.
Don’t dunk your biscuits in your tea unless in a very informal setting, and don't make slurping noises – even if it is hot.
Sandwiches are eaten with the fingers, never with a knife and fork.
If you are served an extremely elaborate cake (with layers of cream and fruit filling), it is a good idea to use the cake fork provided, rather than struggling with your fingers.
When you are served scones, you should also not use your knife to cut them in half, horizontally. Instead, break the scone in half with your hand. Take a dollop of jam and cream, using the serving spoon, and put it on the side of the plate. Break off small bite-sized pieces with your fingers, spread with jam and cream and consume in one mouthful.
Which should go first? In Cornwall it is said to be traditional to spread the jam and then add the cream, whereas in Devon cream comes first and jam second is favoured. Either method is completely acceptable, and you should opt for an arrangement that causes the least mess when it comes to conveying the delicious morsel to your mouth.
Autumn is the season for new starts and many school-leavers, who are contemplating a gap year or have chosen not to go down the further education route, are putting together a CV for the first time as they prepare to launch themselves into the job market.
For many of them, this will be the first time they’ve applied for a proper job and the first time they have prepared a CV. This presents particular challenges: clearly, school-leavers do not have years of employment experience to draw on and are reliant instead on exam results, and extra-curricular activities.
Research from the National Citizen Service show that your CV has, on average, just 8.8 seconds to make an impact, so it’s important to get it right. We’ve put together some recommendations on maximising the impact of your CV. Whether you’re a freshly minted job-hunter or an anxious parent, who is trying to help a teenager launch themselves into the world of work, note the following:
Research your potential employer
It’s easy to look them up online. Review their mission statement and try and apply it to the job you’re applying for.
Read the job description carefully and copy the language they use. This will show that you not only read their brief fully, but you can also speak their language.
Stand out from the crowd
Demonstrate that you something more to offer than just academic performance. Highlight the work you have done outside school to show you’re not afraid to put in the extra work for something you believe in.
List any youth programmes you’ve participated in, any volunteering experiences, passion projects or sport and social activities that you actively pursue.
Soft skills
Ask yourself what you want this employer to know about you – what personal skills you are most proud of and how you could be an asset to their business. List specific skills that you have, such as confidence and resilience, presenting skills, the ability to work effectively in teams or examples of leading one.
Presentation is everything
Your CV needs to read well, but it must also look good. The top three things that turn off employers are bad grammar, spelling mistakes and poor formatting. Take advantage of simple online templates or even use your own creativity – just remember to have a fresh pair of eyes look at it before you send it out.
No job experience?
If you haven’t got any work history, you can use other experiences to demonstrate your potential. Any responsibilities you have undertaken at school or any voluntary work you have done (such as fundraising) will have given you skills that can be applied in a professional environment. Examples could include: handling cash, working with children, or speaking on behalf of classroom peers.
Think carefully about any skills you’ll bring to a job. You might be highly organised, numerate, a good communicator, a diligent researcher. Think about the sort of skills your potential employer will be seeking, and try to present yourself in a positive light, as hard-working, positive, enthusiastic and eager to learn.
It is important to keep your CV short and attention grabbing, so use bullet points wherever possible, as they are much more likely to jump off the page. Most hard-pressed employers will find long, wordy paragraphs off-putting.
Arrange your CV as follows:
•Name and Contact Details
•Personal Profile
This should be a brief statement (two or three sentences), which summarises who you are (eg a school-leaver with two ‘A’ levels), what interests you (eg communication, working with children, administration etc), and an indication of where you aspire to be (eg highlight the industry that attracts you).
•Skills
It is vital that this section is carefully tailored to the specific job requirements, as it is probably the first place a recruiter will look. Here you can highlight competencies such as IT (it’s good to indicate experience in specific software programs), languages etc but also mention soft skills, such as public speaking, classroom advocacy, team-leading (eg in sports), and so on.
•Education
Arrange this section in reverse chronological order (ie with your most recent qualifications) first. List qualifications, grades and date attained – and go as far back as GCSEs.
•Work and Volunteer Experience
Like your education section, this should be arranged in reverse chronological order, with your most recent employer/activity first. List all your experience, no matter how brief, including internships and work experience schemes. For each entry include the following details: company name/organisation you were volunteering for; job title/role description; dates of employment/engagement; a brief description of your main duties and your key achievements.
Don’t be afraid to include details of relevant social media accounts (e.g. X, LinkedIn, blogs) but only do this if you think it is a positive reflection of you. It’s becoming more common for employers to search for potential employees online, so by including this information you are making it easier for them to find you. Review all your privacy settings and ensure that nothing is accessible online that is going to compromise your reputation: photographs of riotous nights out and associated gossip will be seen as deeply off-putting. You are now entering the professional world of work, and it is vital that you curate your own image.
•Photographs
You don’t want to be judged on your image alone and it is not a requirement in the UK.
•Protected characteristics
Under the Equality Act of 2010 you do not have to include sensitive information, for example, your age, race, religion, sex or gender reassignment, or disabilities.
•Your entire life story
Edit the information so it’s appropriate for the job you’re applying for, and no more. Keep it short, concise and relevant even if it means changing your CV every time you apply for a new job.
•Long lists of hobbies
Hobbies such as ‘socialising with friends’, ‘going to the cinema’ and ‘going to the gym’ will sell you short. They don’t demonstrate what value you’re bringing to the company. Only include hobbies that will have a positive spin, eg running marathons (striving to push yourself to the limits), a player in the local football league (team player), amateur theatricals (creative people person etc), playing in the youth orchestra (creative, committed).
Think carefully about the attributes that the job requires and include hobbies and interests that appear to be relevant. The exception to this rule is if you have a real passion (eg running, tennis, cooking, playing in a band, yoga etc). If it reflects well on you, include it in your CV as it will add a little touch of personality to your profile and make you stand out.
•“References on request”
This is a given, and employers will ask for them if they want to take your application further.
The rise of hybrid working has meant that diurnal tube journeys are no longer an inevitable aspect of living and working in London. Over the summer months the tube is overwhelmed with tourists and visitors and, as the holiday season draws to a close and the return to work picks up pace, it is becoming apparent that London Underground etiquette, which has been honed and disseminated since the first subterranean trains began to run in 1863, is beginning to look a bit frayed.
The first underground trains were inordinately loud, making conversations impossible. The prevailing tendency was to mind your own business, immuring yourself in your own unreachable and self-contained zone, a behaviour that is still very recognisable today.
The introduction of escalators into crowded stations in 1911 introduced new challenges to tube passengers. Initially, guards instructed passengers to walk up the escalators, treating them as moving staircases. Gradually, underground workers introduced a system where those who wanted to stand still could do so on the right-hand side, while people who walked up the escalator used the left-hand side. This system is still in place today.
The congestion of the London underground, the huge numbers of passengers, and complexity of the route system, were all challenges that were addressed by the railway authorities, who began to issue a series of innovative instructional posters, which were intended to initiate their users in the correct underground etiquette. The posters focused on social conduct and ways of ensuring the journey was as pleasant as possible: they advised how to enter a crowded carriage; warned against blocking the doorways; pleaded with people on the platform to let passengers off first; recommended moving down the platform to reduce overcrowding – all these instructions can still be heard today.
Often the messages were framed in a moralistic tone, stressing the fact that ‘good’ tube behaviour was considerate towards other people. A 1918 poster instructed passengers to move down inside the carriage because “everyone cannot get a seat at the busy hours, but more could get a strap or standing room if the doors were left free from the crush. Think of others. A door obstructer is a selfish person.”
Many of these challenges remain today and, while trains have become faster, more frequent, and quieter, passengers – especially in the aftermath of the Covid shutdown and the working from home revolution – may lack the awareness and acuity that underground travel demands. Losing yourself in your phone, shutting yourself off with the help of headphones, or dawdling dreamily in train doorways, are all signs of a worrying lack of engagement with the real world, which can inconvenience other passengers.
Now is the time to brush up your underground etiquette, by following these simple rules:
•Be prepared when you enter the underground station, and have your Oyster card, debit card or phone ready to place on the reader. Especially in rush hours, the flow of passengers through the entrance gate is fast and relentless, and people will be annoyed if you hold them up while you fumble in your bag or pocket.
•If you want to stand still on the escalators, stick to the right-hand side, allowing people to walk up and down on the left-hand side. Always leave enough space for walkers to pass on your left.
•Once you arrive at the platform, move along so that you are not blocking entrances and exits.
•When the train arrives, stand to one side of the opening doors, and allow passengers to disembark. Do not jostle or barge into other passengers in your eagerness to board – another train will be along very shortly.
•Once on board the train, move down quickly inside the carriage – there are plenty of handles and rails to assist you. Do not bunch up in the entrances near the doors as it will make it difficult for passengers to disembark.
•The carriages can be quite crowded so try not to take up excess room with your luggage and possessions. If you are wearing a backpack, be aware that there is a hefty protuberance on your back that might well barge into other passengers – it is best to remove it before boarding and place it between your feet.
•Only use one seat – do not dump your possessions on the vacant seat next to you.
•Do not occupy more than your allocated space by slouching or sprawling in your seat or manspreading.
•If you are standing by the doors on a crowded train, it is a good idea to disembark and stand to one side to let other passengers off. Don’t panic – you will be able to re-board the train.
•If you are listening to music or podcasts, use headphones or earbuds. Loud music leaching out of your headphones will be frowned upon – tubes are conventionally quiet spaces.
•Minimise eating and drinking on the tube. Lurching trains and sudden stops can easily lead to embarrassing spillages and smelly foods can be overpowering in a confined space.
•Do not stare at your fellow passengers. If you find yourself without the distraction of your phone, or a book or newspaper, try to fix your gaze above the opposite passengers’ heads, where you will adverts and tube maps to distract you.
•Be aware that overt staring can be interpreted as ‘intrusive staring of a sexual nature’, which is a prosecutable offence.
• It is important that you respect the Priority Seat signs. In any case, if you see an older person, or someone who is pregnant, or a mother with a small child in tow, it is a considerate gesture to offer them your seat.
•If you are offered a seat, graciously accept it, even if you do not feel that you need it – accepting politely will encourage considerate behaviour. If you are only staying on the train for a couple of stops, say so and politely refuse.
Debrett’s has joined forces with the Parmigiano Reggiano Consortium, as part of an EU funded campaign, to develop a Guide to Entertaining at Home.
There are many ways in which you can entertain at home – from formal dinners to drinks parties, informal and improvised lunches and al fresco suppers. All these events will inevitably be enhanced by impeccable hospitality. As a host you must be perceptive, organised and meticulous. But you should also be relaxed, flexible and confident enough to improvise when the need arises.
Above all, you must be generous: the simplest dish will be immeasurably improved if it is plentiful, delicious and served with liberal amounts of wine. Good conversation and entertaining company will be much more memorable to your guests than rarefied cuisine, served with a dose of cook’s anxiety. Good etiquette is not about outmoded manners and codes of conduct, it is all about being observant, being aware of other people’s comfort, and doing your utmost to ensure that everyone is having a wonderful time.
Download our booklet here for invaluable advice on a range of home entertaining, from informal suppers and al fresco meals to drinks parties and formal dinners, with a cheesy twist...
Public proposals have been in the news recently. These can range from the suitor who proposes in a public place in front of strangers – going down on bended knee in a crowded restaurant, for example – to people who plan huge extravaganzas, deploying flash mobs, skywriters and casts of thousands.
We have been puzzling over the ways in which the marriage proposal has evolved since the Victorian era. Etiquette guides from the 19th century are, unsurprisingly, adamant that a marriage proposal should be a private matter between the couple. In fact, managing to get a potential bride on her own during this era of chaperones and watchful mothers, was often the first hurdle a young gentleman faced:
“When about to take this step, the suitor’s first difficulty is how to get a favourable opportunity; and next, having got the chance, how to screw his courage up to give utterance to the ‘declaration’. We have heard of a young lover who carried on a courtship for four months ere he could obtain a private interview with his lady-love. In the house, as might be expected, they were never left alone; and in a walk a third party always accompanied them. In such a dilemma, ought he to have unburdened his heart of its secret through the medium of a letter? We say not. A declaration in writing should certainly be avoided where the lover can by any possibility get at the lady’s ear. But there are cases where this is so difficult that an impatient lover cannot be restrained from adopting the agency of a billet-doux in declaring his passion.”
Routledge’s Manual of Etiquette, London, 1860
Once the lady’s attention was secured, the Etiquette manuals agree that they cannot offer proscriptive advice about the actual wording of the proposal, although they are adamant that the answer given should be definitive, with no mock-refusals:
“We shall make no attempt to prescribe a form for ‘popping the question’. Each must do it in his own way; but let it be clearly understood and admit no evasion. A single word ‘Yes’, on the lady’s part, will suffice to answer it. If the carefully studied phrases which you have repeated so many times and so fluently to yourself, will persist in sticking in your throat and choking you, put them correctly and neatly on a sheet of the finest notepaper, enclosed in a fine but plain white envelope, seal it handsomely with wax, address it carefully, and find some way to convey it to her hand. The lady’s answer should be frank and unequivocal, revealing briefly and modestly her real feelings and consequent decision.
If a lady finds it necessary to say ‘No’ to a proposal, she should do it in the kindest and most considerate manner, so as not to inflict unnecessary pain; but her answer should be definite and decisive, and the gentleman should at once withdraw his suit. If ladies will say ‘No’; when they mean ‘Yes’ to a sincere and earnest suitor, they must suffer the consequences.”
How to Behave: A Pocket Manual of Etiquette, and Guide to Correct Personal Habits, London, 1856
When it came to spreading the news of the engagement, or making it public, the advice is uncompromisingly repressive:
“If it is properly anybody’s business to know that you love each other, and propose to be married, let formal notice be served accordingly; but to the great mass there need be nothing in the shape of an advertisement.”
Beeton’s Manners of Polite Society, London, 1875
It seems a long way from the discreet manners of our ancestors, with their finely-developed sense of discretion and privacy, to the zany antics of today. For the Victorians there was a clear divide between the domestic social sphere and public life, and the notion of behaviour that was essentially self-publicising was complete anathema. Personal reputation was all-important, and any behaviour that broke the strict bonds of convention and taboo could jeopardise it. The business of courtships and proposals belonged strictly to “private life”, and it was universally understood that these domestic arrangements were to be negotiated with the utmost discretion and lack of fanfare.
The barriers between public and private worlds have dissolved today and increasingly we are opting to live in the public sphere. Many of us post compulsively about our lives on social media, and – to provide ever-more fodder for our followers we feel compelled to stage manage our stories, setting up locations, inviting a supporting cast, set-dressing and dramatizing even our most intimate moments. All these tendencies have led to ever-more elaborate and attention-grabbing public proposals.
As the Victorian etiquette manuals pointed out, there is no right or wrong way to propose. But you should think carefully before going public. Will your partner be completely on-board with your plans? If you are proposing to an ebullient extrovert, who loves nothing more than being the centre of attention, then you are probably on the right course. But there are a many people who will object strongly to the notion of turning an intimate and romantic moment into a public spectacle, and mistakenly doing so could turn the whole occasion sour. A proposal should reflect the personality and style of the bride (or groom)-to-be: getting it right and correctly judging the ideal circumstances for this important ritual is a significant test that all suitors must face.
If you are determined to make your declaration in public, think very carefully about the occasion you choose. There have been well-documented examples of hapless suitors popping the question on occasions when their partner is taking centre stage (a birthday party, graduation, performance etc). A proposal in these circumstances looks very much like an egregious attempt to upstage the bride (or groom) and may very well be greeted with dismay or resentment.
It is to be hoped that suitors who are planning elaborate extravaganzas have reasons to be fully confident they will be accepted – perhaps they have already floated the idea of marriage and had an encouraging response. Making a public proposal is highly coercive: if there are any doubts about accepting it is extremely hard to manifest them in front of a marching band, fireworks, or a huge crowd of champagne-swilling, camera-wielding friends and family. Nobody wants to embark on an engagement feeling that they have been pressurised into acquiescence.
Above: Popping the Question, lithograph by Sarony & Major, 1846
Reciprocity – the notion that we pay back what we have received from others – underpins many of our social interactions. The currency of this transaction can be extremely diverse, ranging from comparatively trivial favours, loans and hospitality to much more substantial acts of friendship, such as providing care during an illness or helping someone to move house.
Whatever the nature of the gesture, it is generally acknowledged that one good turn deserves another and that social bonds are strengthened by countless acts of reciprocity. It is therefore important that we are attuned to the obligations of reciprocity and are not found wanting – being neglectful of these social obligations can be the reason for many a failed friendship and can ultimately lead to social ostracism.
One of the main social stumbling blocks when it comes to this type of exchange is the notion that a favour that is freely given, with no strings attached, must be matched with something that is of equal value. This misconception can lead to many instances of social awkwardness. It is perfectly normal for a friend who is wealthier, or luckier than you, to make a generous gesture towards you that cannot possibly be equally reciprocated. But that should never stop you from accepting the generosity; instead, you should think of creative ways of ‘repaying’ the debt. If, for example, a friend lends you a holiday home, then you could stock their store cupboard with delicious items from the local deli, or home-made chutneys, or leave half a dozen bottles of well-chosen wine. As long as it looks as if you have thought carefully about your gesture (even if it is a small one), your friend will be more than satisfied. Sometimes, just hand-writing an effusive thank-you letter or sending a well-chosen card with a handwritten personal message, is sufficient.
It is always possible to find ways of repaying generosity, even if you choose not to spend money. Offering the gift of your time or a helping hand (DIY, gardening, cooking, childcare etc) will be appreciated. Being available to help a friend through a crisis, to listen and to provide support and advice is invaluable.
Inevitably, you will know some people who are inveterate socialisers, who love hosting events, operate an open-door policy and always welcome guests to their home. You might find it is impossible, or undesirable, to keep up with their level of conviviality, but it is important that you appear to be trying. There is no rule that hospitality is always reciprocated on a tit for tat basis (although many people choose to operate in this way), but it is important that you are, within reason, willing to offer return invitations. You might not be matching your host invite for invite, but at least you are opening your doors and endeavouring to pay them back.
You will need to be the judge of what is reasonable. You may theorise that a formal dinner is an acceptable return for two or three informal lunches, and a very sociable friend may well agree that this is a perfectly adequate arrangement. The important thing is not to turn into a person who is always taking hospitality and never giving. There are always ways of offering reciprocal hospitality: even if you are a lousy cook who is constitutionally incapable of holding a decent dinner party, you can still repay your friends’ generosity by inviting them out to dinner, or taking them to the theatre, opera etc. They will understand that this is your way of repaying their hospitality and will be satisfied.
Reciprocity isn’t just about actually doing things for one another, it’s also about being aware of other people, paying attention to them, answering their texts, calls and emails and ensuring that communication is two-sided.
We’ve all had friends who are bad communicators, who let texts and emails languish unanswered, who never initiate contact. The easy back and forth of effective communication is just not attainable with people like this and you will have to decide how much non-responsiveness you can tolerate.
Given that, overall, most people hate being ignored, strive to be a good responder. The best option is to answer all communications in a timely manner (this is also an excellent policy professionally). If you’re not always reliable about responding, try and keep an internal tally of the contacts you have initiated over the last few weeks. If you have not heard from someone in a while, accept that you might be the one who is at fault because you have not reacted to their last communication.
Nobody wants to be the person who is always (virtually) knocking at their friends’ doors, seeking them out, making suggestions for meeting and so on. Don’t relegate your friends to this frustrating position: ensure that you are also an initiator. Otherwise, you might well jeopardise the balance of your relationships, turning your friends into supplicants and making yourself the elusive power-wielder. This is unlikely to end well.
While some friends bounce invitations, visits, communications and favours back and forth with clockwork regularity, it’s important to recognise that everyone is different and the ties that bind us are not always so clear-cut. Some of us have friends who disrupt these stately patterns: they are chaotic or unpredictable, they are going through a life stage that is all-consuming (eg new parenthood), they are impulsive improvisers or entrenched procrastinators. If you know them well, you will recognise these characteristics and, while you may occasionally find them frustrating, you will tolerate them and accommodate their peculiarities.
If a friend who is normally responsive appears to go to ground, don’t jump immediately to the most paranoid conclusion, and theorise that you have been dropped or rejected. Accept the possibility that the friend is dealing with a personal crisis or is overwhelmed by conflicting demands. You might also consider that the non-reciprocity has a more troubling root – something might have gone wrong, and your friend might be in need of help. Always play safe and approach this issue tentatively (“Is everything okay? I haven’t heard from you for ages”), rather than going in with all guns blazing.
The regular give and take of friendship is an effective way of sustaining social relationships, but sometimes it’s a good idea simply to give to strangers and acquaintances without the expectation of any payback. Giving money to homeless people or buskers, volunteering, sitting on committees, freely offering your services as a driver, shopper or caterer, are all altruistic gestures. You may not receive a tangible return, but you will feel better about yourself.
It’s the time of year when new students set out on their university adventure starting, inevitably, with Freshers’ Week. This ritual initiation into university life, when new students meet their contemporaries and explore all the social possibilities – clubs, societies, theatre, sports – that the university has to offer can be very challenging. It is frequently depicted as a sybaritic week of excess, when new students party from dusk to dawn, form unsuitable attachments and generally let rip. But for many students it is a time of deep anxiety when they are beset by feelings of homesickness and inadequacy, and the certainty that they will never, ever survive this new world.
Freshers’ Week is by no means a make-or-break initiation and students who find it daunting and exclusive should never panic that they are going to spend their entire university career feeling lonely and disregarded. For that matter, many of the students who hit the ground running and party like there’s no tomorrow during Fresher’s Week may spend the first few weeks of terms extricating themselves from embarrassing relationships and arduous commitments and seeking more suitable friendships. Remind yourself that it is not inevitably the most confident, gregarious and voluble students who will enjoy the most successful university career.
Freshers’ Week lasts just a few days at the beginning of term and offers a tantalising glimpse of the possibilities that lie ahead. Don’t approach it with unrealistic expectations: making dozens of new friends and turning into a social sensation is a very unlikely outcome of these first few days. The real business of university living is a much quieter affair, a matter of forming friendships with people who share your interests and passions, of meeting compatible companions in the canteen, shop, bar or library, of bonding with your contemporaries over pints of watery beer or endless cups of coffee. Concentrate on sorting yourself out – fixing your room, locating the best places for food, finding the library and lecture halls, sorting out your timetable – and friendships will inevitably come your way.
Above all, remember that everyone is in the same boat. They are all trying to find their feet and carve out a new, independent life. Some people will approach this challenge with verve and confidence, which may well mask deep-seated feelings of anxiety, but that is not the only way to proceed. If you’re a shy and reserved person, don’t pretend to be something you’re not; stay true to yourself and you will inevitably find kindred spirits.
•Be there
Don’t react to the new challenges by withdrawing, shutting yourself in your room, and communing with your laptop – sharing your woes on social media is only going to make you feel worse. Remember that university is a lived experience and force yourself to get out and about on the campus: go to lectures, hang around in the student buttery, stop off at the bar.
•Be a good host
Concentrate in the first few weeks on making your room comfortable and inviting and equip yourself with a kettle, mugs, coffee, tea, biscuits, drinks etc. You will find that friendships develop fast if you operate an open-door policy and show yourself to be ever-willing to invite in fellow students for a drink and a chat.
•Learn to cook
Even if you can only manage half a dozen “signature” dishes, it is a really good idea to have some sort of culinary repertoire before you start university. Cooking for yourself might well be cheaper than university food, and more delicious. More importantly, if you can turn out a competent, edible meal you always have the option of asking new friends round for supper. Getting some new acquaintances around a table with wine and food is a great way of consolidating friendships. It also means you’ll receive invitations in return and will start to build up a social network.
•Learn to say no
Freshers’ Week is just the beginning of the bombardment of possibilities that university offers. You may find yourself signing up for an eccentric and impractical array of clubs and societies, which have little or no relation to your interest or capacities. This is normal, and many students find themselves spending their first few weeks reviewing the aftermath of their initial enthusiasm and disentangling themselves from over-enthusiastic commitments. You will need to get to know yourself and establish what interests or excites you, and part of that process is learning to be selective about how you spend your precious time.
•Think about time management
You’re going to have to juggle lots of new things at university: academic work, organised leisure activities, socialising. This can all be a bit overwhelming when you’ve just left home and you’re experimenting with your new-found independence. The important thing is to try and be objective about your capacities, your energy, your time available, and to make judgments based on these insights. It is a bad idea to take on an array of time-consuming social activities when you’ve got a challenging term academically; understanding how damaging these conflicts can be, and learning how to prioritise, is all part of growing up and running our own life.
•Stay polite and positive
Whoever you are interacting with, whether it is librarians, canteen assistants, lecturers, department secretaries, cleaners, or fellow students, you will find that a positive demeanour and good manners will go a long way. Remember the basic codes: smile as much as possible; always say “Good morning” or “Good afternoon” when you encounter people on campus; if you’re making an enquiry, preface it with “Excuse me”; litter your conversations with “please” and “thank you” where appropriate. You will make the discovery that good manners really do improve social interactions. Other people will be impressed by your politeness and more willing to be patient and helpful, which can only be a good thing when you are finding your feet as an independent young adult.
About 29 per cent of the UK working population has hybrid working arrangements and about 11 per cent are fully home-based. These figures appear to have stabilised over the last year and are driven by employee demand; according to the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development (CIPD) 71 per cent of workers “view flexible working as important to them when considering a new role”.
The advantages of working flexibly are obvious. Commuting, which is costly and bad for the environment, is reduced. Employees are able to manipulate their working day to accommodate other demands on their time, such as childcare or looking after older parents, free from the multiple distractions of noisy, open-plan offices, and productivity and efficiency rises.
But, despite these well-rehearsed arguments, many employers are beginning to revisit their working arrangements and are insisting that employees should return to the office – usually for a minimum number of days (two or three). One reason for this initiative is the fact that many employers are finding it hard to recruit outstanding candidates for new roles, because they are searching in a pool of potential employees who have had very little office experience and who have not had the benefit of picking up skills and experience through a process of osmosis – simply being around more experienced colleagues in the office and observing how they behave. This informal ‘training’ is invaluable and should never be underrated; an individual who is working at home and only interacting with colleagues through video meetings is essentially isolated from office culture and office know-how.
Many recent graduates have never worked in an office. This is because they entered the job market during the Covid pandemic, started their jobs remotely and have since adhered to the home-working model. The result is that, while they are self-motivated and disciplined, they have very little experience of interacting with other people. They have never enjoyed casual encounters in the kitchen or by the water-cooler, have never participated in light-hearted badinage and gossip across the desks in an open-plan office, and have not joined in the camaraderie of shared lunches and after-work drinks. Working alone at home, despite its obvious benefits, has left them feeling adrift and anxious, especially as most of their day-to-day interactions are online or on social media (which can easily engender feelings of inadequacy). Without a sense of connection and belonging, which is fostered by day-to-day office interactions, these new workers are less likely to feel any sense of loyalty or attachment to their current employers and are more likely to move on quickly to new jobs.
The social awkwardness that can be brought on by long periods of isolated working can be crippling, especially for young people. It can impede their ability to interact smoothly with clients or colleagues, it can also impair their career progression – being in an office where you can buttonhole your boss or team leader for some quick advice is a highly effective way of improving your skills and making your presence felt (compare the cumbersome, more formal, process of seeking advice through a remote video call). When you are surrounded by co-workers you can act spontaneously, bounce ideas off colleagues, enjoy impromptu discussions and exchange feedback. Freed from the formal constraints of organised meetings, or the scrutiny of the video screen, you can let rip, floating suggestions and canvassing your colleague’s opinions whenever you feel inspired. A stimulating working environment is much more easily nurtured when people are sharing a physical space and responding to facial expressions and body language as well as the spoken or written word.
Yet, despite these undoubted benefits, many employees are still baulking at the idea of being entirely office-based. They argue, quite understandably, that they are more productive at home because they find offices – with their clatter of half-heard conversations, comings and goings, endless meetings – distracting. When you have become used to the tranquillity of a controlled work environment at home, it is hard to adjust to the hurly-burly of a busy office.
Employers understand enticing employees back to the office might be something of an uphill struggle, and many are offering an ever-more enticing range of perks and inducements to make the prospect more seductive: free lunches, food discounts, free gym membership, language lessons, tax-free childcare and so on.
Clearly the working landscape has changed irrevocably, and we will never go back to the old inflexibility of the 9-5/five days a week model. The genie has been let out of the bottle and the current generation of office workers has tasted the freedom and flexibility of home-based working. The solution must be a compromise: hybrid working, where workers agree to be in the office for a minimum number of days, seems to offer the best solution. It means that employers can still enjoy the long-term benefits of having employees on-site, whilst employees can enjoy the undoubted benefits of the new-found flexibility. It is clear that if employers are unwilling or unable to provide a hybrid working option, they may well find their most talented workers are voting with their feet and are seeking less rigid working arrangements elsewhere.
School term is underway and parents, especially if they have young children, will need to take responsibility for organising and overseeing their kids’ budding social lives. This means, at the very least, inviting friends (or potential friends) round to after-school play dates. This is a comparatively unchallenging introduction to the whole notion of childhood socialising; in time it will evolve into sleepovers, shared outings and even shared holidays.
Play dates can seem daunting, especially if you’re not used to organising them, but they are vital. Young children are, not surprisingly, clueless when it comes to organising a social life and they need a helping hand from responsible adults. The main priority is to lay on a decent tea, organise a pick-up time with the corresponding parents (the normal pattern is for you to pick the kids up from school, and for the other parent to pick up their child from your house, but of course this is not a hard and fast rule), and ensure that plenty of entertainment is available. Try your best to leave the children alone as much as possible and create a warm and welcoming atmosphere.
If your child is invited on a play date be meticulous about punctuality (turn up on time to pick them up), and accept that you must reciprocate, preferably in short order. It’s never a bad idea to give your child a quick manners run-down before they go on a play date: remember to say please and thank you; do what xxxxx’s mum tells you; don’t help yourself to food from the fridge; take off your shoes and/or don’t put your feet on the furniture etc.
Follow these simple recommendations to ensure that play dates go with a swing:
•Share the pick-up
The general assumption is that one parent shouldn’t have to do the pick-up and drop off. So, unless they’re insistent, arrange that you’ll pick up your child – it’s good to show that you’re willing to share the burden of shuttling kids back and forth.
•Think about entertainment
Inevitably the tv will play some part in the afternoon’s activities, but you really don’t want the children to come in from school, slump in front of the television and simply stay there. A play date involves ‘play’, so by all means let them decompress in front of the television for 30 minutes, but then encourage them to do something else. That might mean sorting out some options beforehand: Lego, board games, dressing up box, garden games etc. Have plenty of suggestions to hand.
•Leave them alone
Within reason, leave them to their own devices. Your child will be keen to show a new friend their bedroom, toys etc and they’re much more likely to bond without an adult onlooker. Just be alert to ominous silences…
•Relax your rules
You don’t want to spend the entire afternoon telling off someone else’s child so, within reason, try and be relaxed and flexible about your own rules. You might find their table manners lacking but haranguing them for putting their elbows on the table or holding the fork incorrectly is hardly going to make you, or your child, popular. Don’t let your standards slip completely – it will confuse your own child. If, for example, you find guests helping themselves to food from your fridge or changing your tv channels, and that behaviour is forbidden in your own home, then be firm and insist that they ask you first. Inevitably, some behaviour will just be unacceptably transgressive (eg fighting); in this case, try and intervene in a firm, non-judgmental way and, if possible, use humour to deflect any criticism. You don’t want to get the reputation of being a frightening parent.
•Check out allergies and intolerances
Parents will inevitably keep you fully informed about their children’s dietary needs but double-check beforehand when you’re making the arrangements for the play date – it shows you’re taking it seriously and acting responsibly.
•Check out food fads
At this point you could also check out if the child has any violent likes and dislikes and do your best to accommodate them, within reason. If you are informed that the child has a ridiculously restricted diet, or one that you regard as unhealthy, bite your tongue. This is not the place for missionary zeal and the best you can do is provide the preferred foods (or a version of them), even if you don’t really approve of them.
•Don’t overthink the meal
Accept that, whatever you provide, you may be confronted by a child who stubbornly refuses to eat. Or your child’s friend might obstinately eschew all greens and fruit and healthy options. In these circumstances, it is best to put your own dietary preoccupations aside; don’t insist they “eat up their greens”, as you would with your own child. Just accept their choices and remind yourself you’ve done your best. Provide bread and butter and hope that, if the worst comes to the worst, the child will at least be able to eat that. Remember, no child is going to starve if he/she refuses the food you’re offering. Don’t overcompensate by overloading the children with fizzy drinks, crisps, biscuits and cakes – it will only make them hyper.
Fishfingers or fishcakes
Sausages
Spaghetti Bolognese
Macaroni cheese
Shepherd’s pie
Roast chicken
Homemade burger
Pizza
Corn on the cob
Baked potatoes
Chips
Most people carry smartphones and nearly half the UK population (30.1 million people) use WhatsApp. For many of us, the group chat facility is an invaluable tool, and the speed and convenience of instant text messaging is a great asset. But what about the double tick? WhatsApp provides a handy guide to the status of outgoing messages, indicating that they have been sent by their servers (one grey tick), delivered to the recipient’s device (two grey ticks), and read (two blue ticks). It is the latter facility that is causing anxiety, especially as many WhatsApp users have their ‘online’ status turned on, so paranoid senders can verify that the recipient is online but can also confirm that their message has not been read.
This minor conundrum has led to a new form of social anxiety. People now track the progress of their messages and can compute, in real time, the response lag. A long wait in grey tick land might indicate that the sender is seen as a bore, or a nuisance, or someone who is not prioritised. Some people feel that waiting for their double ticks to turn blue is akin to knocking at a closed, and unanswered door, when you are well aware that the resident is at home and has even glimpsed you through the window. The gap between the holy grail of the double blue tick and the response can now be accurately calibrated, and many people are disappointed to find that there is nothing ‘instant’ about the messaging; they have effectively been pushed to one side or deprioritised and a response is a long time coming.
Of course, these anxieties may very well be ill-founded. The recipient may be someone who checks messages and defers answering them until a more convenient time, or simply a chronic procrastinator who is temperamentally incapable of giving a prompt response to anyone. There may well be good reasons for waiting to reply: the recipient might be awaiting further information, or hoping to hear from a third party etc. It is foolish to immediately leap to the most negative of conclusions.
However, there are ways in which some of these anxieties can be allayed:
•Defer Reading
If you receive a WhatsApp message and you know you won’t have time to reply to it promptly, don’t open it. If you leave it alone, it will register as being ‘unseen’ and the sender won’t worry that their message is being ignored.
•Change your online status
You can always go into your Settings and under ‘Privacy’ you can hide your online status, so that your contacts do not know whether you are available. This might also be a good way of assuaging their anxiety about slow responses.
•Reply promptly
The simplest thing of all is to reply promptly to all messages. It’s polite, it’s responsive and it means there are no troubling lacunae in your communications. Even if you just send a line to say you’ll be replying properly in due course, it will set the sender’s mind at rest, and is therefore considerate behaviour.
•Jettison the ticks
If you feel you’re becoming increasingly neurotic about the whole world of text messaging, it is quite easy to turn off the blue ticks by going to your Privacy settings and turning off “Read receipts”. This radical solution may well be simplest way of easing any paranoia about ignoring or being ignored. Like much new technology, the ticks provide a useful function, but they are not universally appreciated or needed, and if they don’t work for you, the best decision is to tailor the app to your own communication style.
•Resist the temptation to hound recipients
It can be tempting to bombard obdurate recipients, especially if they are advertised as being online, with “Are you there?” or “I need an answer” messages. This can very soon look frantic or desperate and might very well drive your interlocutor underground. If you feel compelled to chase up non-replies, it might be better to choose a different medium, such as a text or email, and then to innocently ask “I wonder if you got my WhatsApp message?”
•Switch to voice message
If you really do need an answer and you’re getting increasingly frustrated, you could always send a voice message in WhatsApp and suggest that the recipient replies in kind. You can say, at the beginning of your own voice message, that you are using this medium because it’s quicker and simpler, especially if everyone is very busy.
•It’s not you it’s me!
If you are experiencing some persistent non-replies to your messages, it might be time to look at your own messaging style. Are your messages too frequent? Are they too vague? Are they passive-aggressive or just outright confrontational? It’s quite possible that you’re not getting replies because you’re not communicating politely or effectively, and your recipients would rather go to ground than engage in a rapid-fire dialogue with you. We’re all busy and under pressure, so long, rambling messages may well fill some recipients with despair. If you need a response from your recipients, try and ask pithy questions, which can simply be answered in the affirmative or negative. Work hard to write texts that are quick to read, easy to understand, concise and comprehensible; you may well find that they rarely languish unanswered.
