Most harassed parents would agree that taking a very small child on a plane (or, to a lesser extent, on a long train journey) tops the league of difficult travelling challenges. Both modes of transport demand that passengers are seated for long periods and planes, in particular, are extremely cramped. The likelihood is that both planes and trains will be fully booked during the holiday season so fidgeting and unhappy toddlers will be surrounded by a phalanx of observers, some of them none too friendly. Most parents will view upcoming journeys as a total nightmare.
But does it always have to be like this? There are some measures you can take that will minimise the ordeal and ensure that your child’s behaviour isn’t unbearably taxing.
Toddlers and small children are often carted from place to place by frazzled parents with a minimum of preparation or explanation. It is no wonder that they object to this treatment and choose to show their agency the only way they can, by screaming the place down.
Explain to them about the upcoming trip, what planes or trains are like. Talk to them about cabin crew, seat belts, trays, on-flight meals and all the other paraphernalia of travel. Above all, explain that they will have to stay in their seat for most of the journey. If you can find a book about trains or aeroplanes, read it to them before the trip.
Obviously you will need to pack snacks, toys and distractions. The key is to come armed with a range of items. Don’t just opt for a tablet or games console, include books, colouring pencils and paper, a favourite cuddly toy as well. Make sure you’ve got plenty of tempting things to eat and drink – pack them all separately so that you can prolong the eating process and be vigilant about offering food at regular intervals – hunger and thirst are invariably tantrum-triggering.
Now the real challenge begins. You’ve done your best to prepare your child and to come armed with all the necessary distractions. How are they going to behave? And how are the people around you going to react?
Most reasonable adults will accept that very small children are hardly responsible for their actions. They do not understand why they must be confined to their seats, they have no concept of time, they are used to moving freely, they are tired and fractious. All these sensations are likely to make them restless and noisy, and they may well start kicking the chair in front of them, invading a stranger’s space, or just screaming. However, their behaviour will be much more tolerable to adults sitting nearby if you, the parent, are clearly doing your best to contain your child’s behaviour, distract them, soothe them and calm them down.
So, if you are heard audibly intervening, for example saying things like “don’t kick the seat, it will bump the man in front” or “I think we’d better turn this down – it’s very noisy for all the people who are trying to go to sleep”, you will be clearly demonstrating that you are trying to inculcate a sense of empathy in your toddler, and are encouraging awareness of the impact of their behaviour on other people.
Most adults will forgive your toddler’s worst transgressions if you demonstrate clearly that you are working hard to deal with them and you are striving to moderate your child’s behaviour. That really is the best you can do in the circumstances. However, if you blithely switch off as soon as you’re settled into your seat, plug in your headphones and resolutely ignore the developing mayhem, you will rapidly become deeply unpopular. Your neighbours will observe that you have absconded from all responsibility, that you are making no effort to control your child, whose behaviour is impinging negatively on them, and will give full vent to their disapproval.
Your journey will be considerably eased by friendly and supportive cabin crew, so it is important that both you, and your child, are unfailingly polite to them and grateful for everything they do. If your child can speak, make sure they say “please” and “thank you” – if they don’t do it voluntarily, it’s fine to keep repeating “say please” and “say thank you” as it demonstrates that you’re aware of the importance of good manners.
If cabin crew are amenable, they will be supportive when the time comes, as it invariably will, for you to leave your seat and walk your child around, take your child to the toilet, or simply stand somewhere and joggle them into unconsciousness. The more grateful and polite you appear to be to crew and fellow passengers alike, the more you smile and acknowledge assistance, the more friendly and supportive everyone will be.
When the journey finally comes to an end, remember to say a heartfelt thank you and farewell to the crew, and induce your child to give them a friendly wave. The better you behave the more likely they are to be kind and helpful to the next frazzled parent they encounter.
Personal questions have traditionally been considered a no-go area in British society. It was considered appallingly rude to ask people questions about their finances, health or emotional affairs and even direct questions on matters like politics and religion were frowned upon. But manners have evolved, and society has changed. We live in a world where full disclosure is the norm, where people communicate their deepest secrets in online forums and probing interviews with celebrities appear to recognise no boundaries. The old strictures on “personal comments” are being eroded; in these circumstances, we must set our own boundaries, decide what we consider to be unacceptably intrusive, and take measures to ensure that we are not overwhelmed in situations where it all gets too personal.
Everyone has a different breaking point and, in general, very extrovert people who have no compunction about laying their own lives bare, are the most likely to ask intrusive questions. Remember, you are under no obligation to answer questions that you think are too intrusive. However, you will need to find strategies for dealing with these questions that do not come across as rude or aggressive. Adopt one, or more, of the following strategies:
There are many ways in which you can turn the attention away from yourself. One simple technique is simply to change the subject. If it’s done politely, it doesn’t really matter if the transition is a bit bumpy; it will reinforce your recoil from the original question. So, if you’re asked an intrusive question like “when are you two going to start a family?” just reply with “We’re not sure but isn’t it good news that James and Helen have finally found a house they like?”. Only a very obtuse person would insist on going back to the original question.
Another useful way of deflecting unwanted questions is to use humour. So, for example, if you’re asked how much you earn, just come back with “not enough!”; if you’re asked how much your new house cost, reply “too much!”; if you’re asked if your recent health scare has been resolved, say something cheerful like “well, I’m sure the hospital is glad to see the back of me!” All these responses give absolutely nothing away, but they’re cheerful and upbeat and close the query down.
Use self-deprecation. If somebody asks you a question you really don’t want to answer you can hide behind a wall of charming modesty: “Oh, I think you’d be bored rigid if I attempted to answer that! Let’s move on.”
Finally, compliments are powerful tools of deflection. Use the question as a springboard: if someone compliments you on your weight loss and asks what regime you used, say something like “I’m sure you’re not interested in that, you’re looking so slim and well yourself”. If a nosy person asks, “Are you two thinking of getting married any time soon?” say “Who knows? It would be hard to compete with your wonderful wedding!”
There are several ways in which you can appear to answer a question and give nothing away. In the first instance, you could try meeting specifics with generality. For example, if somebody questions you closely about a contentious political issue, you could reply with general remarks about the state of politics, your frustration with the political discourse, your disgust with politicians etc.
Another evasive technique is to sidestep the original question and to move it into more general, less personal territory. So if, for example, somebody questions you about how you are affording personal care for your elderly mother, just say something like “It’s very difficult, but that’s the case for everybody, when there is so little state provision etc etc”. Or “How did your scan go?” could be deflected with “Well, I felt really lucky to see the doctor, considering the state of the Health Service.”
Vague replies are a good way of evading probing questions. So, no matter how specific the actual enquiry, come back with a waffly response: “Why did you take the day off on Friday?” could be met with “I had one or two things to sort out.” Or “What was that urgent call last night?” could be countered with “It was just an old friend”. These vague non-answers send strong signals that you are not willing to answer the actual question.
Finally, a very effective way of evading intrusive questions is to restate and reframe them. So, if somebody bluntly asks you “when are you going to get that promotion you’ve been waiting for?” say something like “I think what you’re really asking is, am I still finding my job stimulating?”. Or if they ask, “I bet you made a killing on that flat sale?” you could come back with “I think what you’re really asking is, am I happy to be moving out of the neighbourhood?” Of course, this is not what they’re asking at all, but your re-framed question makes it very clear that you find their original query intrusive.
One simple way of meeting intrusive questions head-on, is to simply come back with “Why do you ask?” This is a very direct response which will throw many people into confusion. The honest answer, which of course they cannot give, would be “Because I’m nosy/curious/can’t mind my own business”. The result is that often retreat with an embarrassed apology.
Frequently people do not realise the questions they are asking are intrusive. They are curious about you, perhaps excessively so, and do not have the sensitivity to realise they may be trespassing on difficult territory. One way of pulling them up short is to ask an awkward question back. So, for example, if they ask you “Are you and Ben really getting divorced?”, come straight back with “Are you concerned about my emotional wellbeing?”. By challenging them and questioning their motives, you’re putting the boot on the other foot. You can then really put the knife in by complimenting them on their (so-called) care and concern (“that is so kind of you!”).
Intrusive questions can be both distressing and invasive, so there really is no reason why we should tolerate them. Of course, none of us want to be rude, but if the above techniques don’t work, it is quite acceptable to call the questioner out. You can be quite direct about this (“Wow, that’s a very personal question. I don’t think I really want to answer!”), or you can simply come back with a selection of shut-down phrases: “I’d prefer not to answer that”; “I’d rather not say”; “Sorry, that’s too personal”; “Let’s talk about something else”; “That’s a bit of a fraught subject – let’s move on”. If the questioner does not know you well enough to warrant such probing enquiries, comment on the fact: “I don’t think we really know each other well enough to talk about this.” You know when people are crossing the line and invading your privacy, but you must accept that it is your responsibility to communicate the fact that they are doing so.
It’s the school holidays and children are everywhere: in shops, trains, museums, gardens, restaurants, pubs. August is the great month for family days out and a good time to observe how both parents and non-parents deal with the challenge of children in public spaces.
British society is often condemned as being child-unfriendly, immured in its Victorian “children should be seen and not heard” notions, intolerant of the joyous noise and chaos that children trail in their wake. But increasingly, the pendulum has swung, and there is a greater willingness to embrace public parenthood, take children out and about, and to eschew the repressive, disciplinarian behaviour of our ancestors.
Undoubtedly, there are occasions when this new libertarian attitude can go too far. There are certain places and contexts when letting children run free and unbridled is just rude. The quiet coach of a train, for example, has a clearly stated purpose and people opt to sit in it for a reason, so that they can work, read or snooze uninterrupted. Importing children into this environment, unless they are docile and compliant, will inevitably cause resentment.
Similarly, visitors to art galleries, certain museums, cathedrals, stately homes etc may expect a certain quiet decorum, so that they can commune with the art or admire the architecture in comparative peace. Of course, there is no sanction on children in these places, simply an expectation that children will behave well, and visitors may experience feelings of irritation when they do not do so.
Many restaurants and cafés are child friendly. They do their utmost to accommodate children, providing highchairs, colouring books and toys. Waiting staff are welcoming, happy to interact with children, tolerant of their behaviour. As a result, there is generally a happy, noisy buzz, a few examples of rambunctious behaviour, the occasional tantrum. While many pubs and restaurants cater for families and encourage children it is reasonable to expect them to be adult-only spaces after 8pm. At the other end of the scale are the hushed and hallowed shrines to gastronomy, where the food and drink is revered, the waiting staff are unctuous and attentive, and voices are never raised. It is a brave parent who imports their children into such a space, and it is questionable whether such a restaurant would be the best choice for a family meal.
Many parents feel that there should be no limitations on where there they can take their children, and it is their right to take them into any environment they choose. They argue that no child will learn how to behave in public without some exposure to a great variety of places and they are therefore entitled to take children wherever they please. Some people without children contend that they have a right to child-free spaces where they can enjoy grown up pursuits, free of disruption and disturbance. It is a real challenge to steer an acceptable path between these two opposing views.
Ultimately, it is all about the parents. Children do not know how they should behave in a fancy restaurant or a quiet art gallery, and it would be ridiculous to expect them to understand the strictures of the adult world. Parents must be responsible for their children, balancing easy tolerance and the embrace of new experiences with an awareness of other people’s expectations and frustrations. They must be willing to take a rational view, to assess the situation, and to concede that sometimes their children are smashing the social norms.
Inevitably, there will be occasions and situations where it is the disapproving onlookers who are transgressing – reproachful looks in a child-filled restaurant or tut tutting in a child-friendly museum that is packed with intriguing dinosaur displays are clearly beyond the pale. If you feel that other people are being unreasonably censorious about your children, perhaps try and mitigate the situation by audibly saying something like “Try and play a little more quietly Toby – we don’t want to upset the other people.” A remark like this might well assuage their antagonism and make them feel that they are being a little intolerant.
None of us wants to go back to the Victoria era, when children were excluded, repressed, disciplined and required to behave like mini adults. We understand so much more these days about how children grow and develop, and we’re all aware that they learn experientially – every adventure, accident and interaction is a step on the road towards adulthood and nobody would want to deny them these experiences.
No child is going to learn how to behave well in a restaurant, for example, if they are never taken to eat out. In many European cultures the notion of eating out in family groups with small children is much more ingrained, children are accustomed to the restaurant experience from earliest infancy and other customers are completely accepting of young children.
Always bear in mind that children who behave “badly” are generally feeling under-stimulated, ignored or bored. Do your best to counteract this by always travelling well-equipped with toys, colouring books, crayons, playing cards and so on. Listen to what they have to say and react promptly. Remember, zoning out and entering an adult world where kids are merely an irritating distraction, is always perilous. Understandably, children will react with fury and frustration and that’s where the trouble begins. You should not take your children out and about if you are not prepared to monitor them and attend to them.
As always, good manners dictate that you are both self-aware and observant on these occasions, and that you are alert to any signs that you (or your children) are impinging on other people’s space in a way that is unreasonable. Obviously, the notion of what is “reasonable” is subjective, for both sides of the argument, but it should be possible – in a spirit of good grace and tolerance – to reach a mutually acceptable compromise.
The holiday season is at its peak and the beach beckons. Whether you’re opting for windswept days out in Wales and Cornwall, electing to lounge stylishly in the Venice Lido, or choosing sun and sand on the shores of the Mediterranean, the same priorities and rules apply.
Whatever the location, there are certain items that are indispensable for a day on the beach. Bring plenty of sunblock, spare hats, towels, hand wipes (useful when the sand is glued to your fingers). If you’re not scrambling for an elusive (and sometimes expensive) deckchair or sun lounger, come with raffia beach mats, inflatable sunbeds and old towels.
If you’re headed for sandy beaches remember that the white sand magnifies the sun’s intensity. The sun’s ultraviolet rays are at their strongest during the hours between 10 am and 4 pm, so limit your time in the sun during this period. Keep a beady eye on all the members of your party and if you see any sign that they’re beginning to burn, brandish your sun cream and apply it liberally – always be generous about letting other people use it.
It’s also a good idea to bring a caftan or cover up, so you can protect yourself during those dangerous midday hours.
You will need to be extra vigilant of children in strong sun and extremely diligent about applying sun block and proffering hats. You must also ensure that they have plenty to keep them amused – buckets and spades are perennial favourites, but bats, balls and frisbees will also be popular. If you’re encouraging your kids to play beach games, make sure that they do so well out of range of other sunbathers who may not appreciate being deafened by high-pitched screams or showered by wet sand.
Keep a close eye on your own, and other people’s children, when they are playing at the water’s edge. The sea might look benign, but currents are strong and innocuous-looking waves can pack a powerful punch.
Try and ensure that there is a shady spot where young children can curl up for a siesta – having fun on the beach can be exhausting.
If you’re bringing your own picnic, or maybe catering for a larger beach party, remember that bamboo or plastic plates and cups will withstand sea air better than paper. The emphasis should be on finger foods (eg cold roast chicken, Scotch eggs and pork pies) and you’ll need to make sure you have plentiful supplies of paper napkins and rubbish bags. A simple alternative is to make lots of delicious sandwiches – crabmeat, crayfish or prawns will give a suitably nautical flavour.
Beach barbecues are an option if you’ve found a remote location where dense clouds of charcoal smoke won’t disturb neighbours. Bring a portable barbecue and prepare skewers and marinade meat the night before; they’ll keep fresh in a cool box. If you’re lucky you might be able to buy fresh mackerel or sardines from a local fisherman and grill them – the ultimate beach food.
Whatever you’re eating, copious amounts of ice-cold drinks are an absolute must, so bring a cool box with plenty of bottled water, fruit juice and fizzy drinks for the kids. If you want to turn it into a real party, you can pack wine and beer. Alternatively, you can blend spirits (eg rum or vodka) with concentrated fruit juices (eg orange, cranberry) and freeze overnight.
It’s wonderful to take a walk along the seashore and to keep your eyes open for beautiful pieces of driftwood or shells. Rules vary from country to country concerning what can be taken away from the beach, so it is worthwhile checking before you start piling up your plunder.
In Britain you can take shells and driftwood home with you, but you should never take any shells away with you that are inhabited by living organisms. Be aware that seashells are an important part of the coastal ecosystem – fish and hermit crabs use them as hiding places or temporary shelter, they anchor growing algae, counteract coastal erosion and are used by birds for nest-building. For these reasons, you will need to be discerning about what you appropriate.
In some parts of Britain, you may be lucky enough to find fossils. If you do so, it is legal for you take them away but if you find an exceptional or rare specimen it is considerate to report your find to the scientific community.
Sea glass comprises pretty fragments of glass that have been subject to natural weathering processes, giving them a frosted, jewel-like appearance. It is fine to take sea glass away; just be cautious around glass and if you find any sharp fragments as you walk along, remove them, and dispose of them, as they might be hazardous to other beachcombers or children.
Behaviour on the beach should be governed by consideration for others.
Respect other people’s space and ensure that noise is at a minimum; try to space yourself out as much as possible and at the very minimum keep at least a towel’s width away from the next encampment. Shake towels out with full consideration of the wind direction. Try not to stare, or ogle, at fellow sun bathers – particularly if they are struggling to dress or undress discreetly.
Music should only be played through headphones, never speakers. Team sports should be reserved for quiet, unpopulated stretches of sand. Respect the coastguard and take note of any signs or flags.
Swimwear should protect your modesty, so avoid anything that goes transparent on contact with water. Cover-ups, such as sarongs and T-shirts, should be worn in shops, bars and restaurants, so ensure you’re semi-dressed when not on the beach itself. You may be proud of your beautiful tan, but preening and strutting in front of other tourists will make you very unpopular.
Female tourists abroad should be aware of the prevailing customs of the area and observe the locals. Never trespass on local sensitivities by being the first to discard your top. Only bare all in secluded areas, and never be the only one in your group to do so.
On departure, clear up all rubbish. That means taking rubbish away, not burying it under a few pebbles or a thin covering of sand. Prepare beforehand by bringing capacious rubbish bags, and if you’re confronted, as is often the case, by an overspilling bin when you reach the promenade, take your rubbish away with you; dispose of it in the first available bin or take it back to your home or hotel. The beach should always be left in a pristine state.
In a world where much of our communication is mediated through electronic devices and we are constantly distracted by multiple calls on our attention, it seems that the art of good listening may be in jeopardy. Yet listening carefully is the cornerstone of all our social interactions, the place where good manners begin. Understanding the various ways in which we can really listen is a useful starting point.
Good listeners focus entirely on what they are hearing. That means eliminating all distractions, for example shutting your laptop, putting your phone away, and turning your face and your attention towards the other person. It’s very easy to detect when someone isn’t focusing on what you’re saying – the distant look in their eyes, the tendency to look over your shoulder at something or somebody that interests them more, the longing glances at their phone or wristwatch. You must accept that it’s no good being a half-hearted listener; you need to focus and give your undivided attention. If you fail to do this, you will inevitably miss out on the nuances of conversation, the passing facial expressions, the pauses, the hesitations, the body language – all of which speak volumes to somebody who is both observant and self-aware.
Good listening is about putting your own preoccupations to one side. If you interrupt or jump into the conversation saying something like “I know just what you’re talking about – I did that journey myself ten years ago” you are switching the focus of the conversation back on yourself. If you want to understand and react appropriately to what somebody is telling you, you will not do so by being impatient, dismissive or judgmental, or by setting out your own opinions or standpoint before they have a chance to articulate what they are feeling. Bad listeners inevitably manage to swing the conversation around to their own agenda – usually themselves – finding opportunities to interject and overwhelm the person who is talking. You will be a much better listener if you welcome all conversations as a chance to learn something new or gain a fascinating insight. Curiosity, if it is not over-intrusive, is a good listener’s best attribute.
Body language is an excellent way of demonstrating that you are concentrating on the conversation in hand. That means engaging in eye contact, leaning forward, nodding encouragingly, or using appropriate facial expressions (a grimace, a raised eyebrow, a quizzical look) from time to time to indicate that you are interested and engaged. From time to time, you might murmur encouragement, or use phrases like “oh really?”, “that’s extraordinary” or “I agree”, depending on the context. This may seem obvious but doing the opposite – lounging back in your chair with your arms folded, staring fixedly at the other person, or looking around the room – will be instantly off-putting and discouraging.
Being a receptive listener is about knowing when, and how, to respond. There will be occasions when a response is uncalled-for, when all a person wants to do is vent or confide, and just projecting interest and sympathy is all that is needed. But conversation is usually a two-way street, and responses are called for, especially in a social context when you may need to prolong the interchange. It is never a good idea to use the time when you should be listening carefully to what is being said planning your response or pondering what you’re going to say next. You will miss out on salient points, and your response won’t effectively align with what has been said, making the conversation feel jerky and out of step. Instead, fall back on the power of spontaneity and improvisation. Use your listening skills and intelligence to frame a focused response to whatever conversational curveball is thrown at you.
There will be times when friends or colleagues confide in you because they are feeling down or they are encountering problems or difficulties, and you will need to fully engage with them and do your best to understand how they are feeling. You may well decide that this is your chance to offer advice or point out obvious solutions, but this might not be what is called for. Unless they specifically ask for your input, they may well just need a sympathetic ear, someone who appears to be focused on them and understands what they’re going through. On these occasions, saying “I know exactly how you’re feeling, because the same thing happened to me”, which you may think is a suitably empathetic response, might not be helpful because you’re talking about your own experiences, when they really need to focus the conversation on themselves. Handing out advice (no matter how sensible it may be) or trying to cheer people up is about your agenda, not other people’s. Sometimes the best listeners are silent, signalling their understanding through facial expressions and body language.
Now is the time to brush up your listening skills:
• Remove all distractions (phones, laptops, chores, other people, children, pets)
• Clear your mind and tune in
• Use positive body language and facial expressions to show you’re engaged
• Be curious, receptive and open-minded
• Allow your focus to slip and think about other things
• Plan ahead and formulate your response
• Bring your own agendas to the conversation
• Make the conversation all about you
Schools have broken up and the peak holiday season has begun. Tourist numbers are ever-growing, no-frills airlines offer bargain basement fares to an expanding range of destinations, and accommodation options are multiplying. The result is that many popular tourist hubs feel disturbingly overcrowded, and – especially in places that are experiencing unprecedented and gruelling heatwaves this summer – tempers can get frayed, and tourists’ behaviour may be seen as offensive.
There are many ways of improving the tourist experience, both for yourself and for fellow-visitors and residents. Whether you’re flying abroad or opting for a staycation, the same rules apply. Consider the following:
• Research beforehand
It is always a good idea to research your destination beforehand. This applies especially if you’re going abroad, where you might be encountering different cultural practices, from tipping and ordering in restaurants to visiting religious sites and wearing appropriate dress. Forewarned is forearmed; with the facts at your fingertips, you will avoid making obvious faux-pas. If you’ve researched the main attractions beforehand, and then talk to residents about them when you arrive, they will be gratified that you have taken an active interest in their home.
• Shop local
Many of the world’s most beautiful places are dependent on tourist income. If you invariably eat in your hotel dining room, or choose to buy from large supermarket chains, you are not contributing to the local economy. Always try and explore neighbourhood options. That means visiting farmers’ markets, patronising local shops, eating in small restaurants, buying regional produce to take home.
• Be a discriminating photographer
The compulsion to take photographs, especially now we all carry mobile phones with sophisticated cameras, seems to be universal. But ask yourself: do you want to fully live the experience, or do you want to endlessly record it, post it, and share it? If you feel a photograph must be taken, try and be aware of other people. Do not block pavements or monopolise views or obstruct locals from going about their business. If your photograph involves taking pictures of “quaint” locals, always ask if they mind first; if you’re moved to take a picture of a resident’s picturesque house or garden, check first; there should be no indiscriminate snapping.
• Get off the beaten track
It’s very easy to get into the “bucket list” mentality, where visiting somewhere involves ticking various star attractions off your to do list. But sometimes the joys of travel involve finding unexpected corners or little-visited places or experiencing a wonderful meal in an unfrequented residential area. Do you really want to spend your time in Paris queuing outside the Louvre, and craning to see the Mona Lisa over a sea of tourist heads, when there is so much of the city to visit and explore?
• Be pedestrian aware
Tourists often congregate in large crowds – especially at key vantage points that overlook famous views. Be conscious that these groups can be very frustrating for locals, who simply want to go about their business. Be observant and aware and don’t block the pavements or jostle other pedestrians because you’re too busy taking in the sights and not looking where you’re going. If you see a spectacular sight that demands a photo, don’t stop dead in your tracks in the middle of the path. Step aside and wait for a suitable moment when you’re not causing an inconvenience. If you’re lost and need to consult a map, also step to one side, and ensure that you’re not getting in people’s way.
• Dress appropriately
In some countries notions of appropriate dress are much more conservative than our own and it may be customary for women to cover their heads, while bare shoulders and legs may be frowned upon. It goes without saying that you must acknowledge these customs and respect them. In more relaxed environments, don’t take the laissez-faire attitude too far. Try and keep beach clothes for the beach, promenade, seaside bars and restaurants only. Wandering around local shops in a bikini or swimming shorts is disrespectful to the locals, who are trying to go about their everyday business. Unlike you, they do not see their local town as a tourist theme park where anything goes, but as a place where they must dress respectably, earn money, bring up their children and look after their elderly parents.
• Leave no trace
Undoubtedly mass tourism degrades environments. It inflicts considerable wear and tear on natural landscapes, seaside environments, and historic sites and buildings. The least we can do is to ensure that we do our best to eliminate our personal impact: that means always clearing away our own litter, never degrading historical buildings (there have been recent alarming reports of tourists scratching graffiti on the walls of the Colosseum in Rome), and respecting any prohibitions about entry into certain areas, which may be vulnerable to damage.
• Respect the residents’ privacy
How would you feel if random groups of people kept wandering into your garden and taking photographs of your prize roses? You might feel a brief twinge of pride, soon to be subsumed by the feeling that you have been invaded and your privacy has been violated. When you are on holiday it is vital to respect boundaries and take note of signs warning that land or buildings are private. Many foreign countries do not have the abundance of public footpaths and rights of way that we rejoice in here in Britain, so do not blithely cut through vineyards, orchards and fields; you may well be trespassing. If in doubt, always politely ask a local.
• Be unfailingly polite
Good manners will go a long way to winning over the local residents when you’re on holiday. That means greeting people with a polite “Good morning” or “Good evening” (try and learn these phrases in the local language), and always saying a heartfelt “please” or “thank you”. A little small talk (commenting on the weather, the view, the delicious produce etc) will go a long way. The locals will be delighted by any compliments or approbation, as they will want to feel reassured that you are enjoying your stay.
It’s all too easy to visit places as an entitled consumer. You feel that you have spent large amounts of money for the privilege and that you have therefore acquired the right to indulge yourself and behave as you please. But the transaction really isn’t that simple: your expenditure is putting you in a privileged position where you are able to experience a different place, a new culture, a beautiful or precious environment. As a tourist you are spending money not only to guarantee your own pleasure but to ensure that these places can survive and by recognising this you are acknowledging that you owe your hosts the courtesy of civilised behaviour, which will not disrupt or negatively impact their daily lives.
As the summer holidays stretch out ahead, many of us will be making plans for plenty of
outdoor activities: walks, trips to the seaside, and – of course – picnics. This great
British pastime derives its name from the French pique-nique (piquer, to pick or peck,
and nique, a thing of little import). Like many British leisure activities, it is highly
dependent on reasonable weather, which of course is not always guaranteed and is
inevitably the subject of much debate and foreboding beforehand – suffice to say,
contingency plans are essential, as nobody relishes the thought of a picnic in pouring
rain.
For many of us, especially children, a picnic is a delightful prospect. We should,
however, be aware that there is a substantial contingent of picnic-deniers who find the
whole prospect purgatorial. This is mainly to do with comfort: unlike al fresco eating in
the garden, when a dining room is effectively created in the open air, picnics are much
more improvisational affairs, involving sitting on the ground, balancing plates on laps
and so on. But there are certainly ways in which the picnic-wary can be accommodated:
lightweight folding deckchairs will solve seating anxiety and well-chosen finger food that
can be eaten with the minimum of fuss and no cutlery will ensure that the absence of a
table is not a deterrent.
If you find yourself hosting, or attending, a picnic this summer, it is guaranteed to go
with a swing if you observe the following etiquette:
• Scope out the location of your picnic beforehand and ensure that there is both sunlight
and dappled shade, as well as even ground and shelter from the wind. In any case it is
wise to bring extra supplies of sun cream and sun hats.
• If you would like your guests to bring contributions to the feast, make that clear; if you
are happy to organise all the catering, say so beforehand. Because picnics are often
quite arranged on the spur of the moment (mainly because they’re so weather-
dependent), there is often some confusion about the expectations of the host and the
guests, so it is best to sort this out beforehand.
• If your picnic is a free-for-all and guests are bringing home-made contributions, make
sure that you taste their food and compliment them on the efforts they have made.
• Think carefully about seating. At the very least you will need to bring picnic blankets
that can be placed on the ground; you might also need to consider cushions and folding
chairs.
• While you might not be the proud possessor of a picnic hamper and matching crockery,
it might well be a good idea to invest in some inexpensive bamboo plates, cups and
cutlery and some sturdy stainless-steel beakers, which can be used for hot and cold
drinks. All these items are reusable and eco-friendly and will reduce waste substantially.
• Think about food that is easy to eat: sandwiches, sausage rolls, Scotch eggs, pork pies
are all traditional, and extremely practical, picnic choices. If you want a healthier option,
cutting up batons of celery, carrot and cucumber and serving them with dips is a
practical alternative to salads, which are much more difficult to eat.
• Be very aware of other people nearby, especially if you are using a portable barbecue,
which can be smoky and will disgorge overwhelming odours.
• If you’ve got children with you, make sure you come equipped with balls, bats, racquets
etc, and ensure that they play well away from the seating area. Keep an eye on them
throughout proceedings and make sure they’re not getting too noisy or straying into
other people’s territory.
• If you’re going to a picnic, dress practically. Remember, you probably are going to end
up sitting on the ground at some point, so short tight skirts are impractical, whereas long
flowing skirts or trousers are much more comfortable. The ground may well be uneven,
so picnics are not really the ideal time to showcase your heels or platform soles.
• If you are sitting on a pristine picnic blanket, it may be sensible to remove your shoes.
Tuck your feet well away and don’t point them toward the food or other guests.
• If you’re bringing your dog to the feast, keep it on a lead while you’re eating. If your dog
is over-excitable and likely to lunge at the sausage rolls and topple over the prosecco,
then you might have to think again: toys and treats might have to be deployed to ensure
that your pet is distracted. Remember, you’re responsible for your dog, so make sure
you bring adequate supplies of water. Keep an eye on your dog throughout proceedings
to ensure that he’s not disturbing other guests or scaring children and be particularly
vigilant when other dog owners are in the area.
• Leave no trace. Absolutely everything that you have brought to the picnic site must be
packed away, disposed of or taken home for disposal. You will need to come well-
supplied with rubbish bags, and it is your responsibility to give the site a careful
appraisal once everything has been packed away and to ensure that there are no errant
fragments of rubbish left behind.
The historic origins of Debrett’s Peerage & Baronetage are owed to William Dugdale, a passionate genealogist and researcher, who had spent time “attending the late King Charles the Firft (of Bleffed Memory) in His Garifon at Oxford”. He spent three years, from 1643–46, in Oxford with the King, where he dedicated himself to the task of exploiting the resources of the Bodleian Library and chronicling the ranks of the British aristocracy, their heredity and genealogy.
His original compendious work was published in 1685 by Abel Roper, John Martin and Henry Herringham. A new edition of the Peerage and Baronetage, based on Dugdale’s research, was published by Arthur Collins in 1709, but in later editions his meticulous research was somewhat undermined by the editors’ tendency to flatter and pay court to their subjects, and various inaccuracies were recorded (these were meticulously eliminated from the late 18th century onward).
John Almon, a Piccadilly-based bookseller and publisher, took over Arthur Collins’s work after his death and, in 1769, he published the The New Peerage, a two-volume, pocket-sized, leather-bound set, which had been much updated and improved. Almon engaged the services of John Debrett (born 1753), the son of French immigrants who had been apprenticed to another Piccadilly bookseller, Robert Davis, at the age of thirteen. He set about his task of meticulously checking and verifying the contents of the book and worked with a keen eye. In 1780 he became Almon’s partner, and when he retired in 1781, John Debrett took over his business, publishing the first edition in his own name in 1784: Printed for W Owen in Fleet Street; L Davis in Holborn; and J Debrett, successor to Mr Almon, opposite Burlington House in Piccadilly
John Debrett had arrived on the literary scene at a time when books, journals and publishing were a flourishing aspect of London society. Various booksellers attracted dedicated political followings (Almon’s was a Whig meeting-place) and the hotly debated topics of the day – from the rights of man to revolution, religious dissent, imperial expansion and political reform – were the inspiration for an outpouring of publications and interest in the printed world. Significant works published by John Debrett during the tumultuous 1790s include: Journal of the Voyage to new South Wales by John White, Surgeon General to the Settlement (1790); History of the French Revolution, by J P Rabaut St Etienne (1792); Plan of the New Constitution for the United States of America (1792); A Short History of the East India Company, by Francis Russell (1793).
In 1794 John Debrett advertised ‘‘The POCKET PEERAGE of ENGLAND, SCOTLAND and IRELAND; containing the Defcent and Prefent State of every Noble Family; with the Extinct, Forfeited, and Dormant Titles of the three Kingdoms. Alfo, General and Particular INDEXES, with the Arms emblazoned and the Mottoes tranflated. In 2 vols, price 9s, in boards.’ By 1802 John Debrett, with his shop at 180 Piccadilly, had become a well-respected and notable London bookseller, and in that year he brought out a new edition of Almon’s Guide to the Peerage. His name was now sufficiently recognisable for it to be entitled Debrett’s Peerage.
What was the primary purpose of Debrett’s book? On the face of it, it was an exercise in genealogy, a thoroughly researched and minutely detailed examination of the bloodlines of the aristocracy, and therefore a directory of the powerbrokers, landowners and wealthy elite who dominated British society. An entry in Debrett (as it was dubbed) was a validation of rank and dignity. Social intercourse was predicated on rigidly defined notions of status, and protocol was dictated by the notion of precedence, a strictly defined pecking order that reflected the ascending order of dignity of aristocratic ranks, which underpinned all social interactions, from official events to placement at the dining table. Debrett was therefore an invaluable reference tool for anyone who went out into society, and particularly for anyone who aspired to be a successful and respected host or public figure.
Debrett was the first (although others would follow suit) to publish a volume dedicated solely to the recording of baronets when, in 1800, the first edition of Debrett’s Baronetage was published. Undoubtedly some individuals whose family ties and heredity gave them an entrée into the Baronetage, were somewhat over-inflated by notion of their own blue-blooded credentials and Jane Austen enjoys satirising the social aspirations and self-importance of the baronet, Sir Walter Elliott in Persuasion (1817), which makes a reference to this first edition of the Baronetage:
Sir Walter Elliot, of Kellynch Hall, in Somersetshire, was a man who, for his own amusement, never took up any book but the Baronetage; there he found occupation for an idle hour, and consolation in a distressed one; there his faculties were roused into admiration and respect, by contemplating the limited remnant of the earliest patents; there any unwelcome sensations, arising from domestic affairs changed naturally into pity and contempt as he turned over the almost endless creations of the last century; and there, if every other leaf were powerless, he could read his own history with an interest which never failed.”
Austen notes that he ponders the “limited remnant of the earliest patent” and the “endless creations of the last century”, a reference to the fact that Debrett, with its regular updates and amendments kept meticulous track of the vagaries of inheritance, the perils of dormant titles, the creation of new titles, the forming of advantageous alliances, the births and deaths, and the intricate web of connections that bound the upper classes together. The book sent despatches from the upper echelons of society and was relied upon as a reliable and indispensable source of information.
Inevitably, when marriage was seen as an effective way of acquiring social rank (and indeed many aspirants were dismissed as “social climbers”), it was imperative for ambitious parents to be well-informed about the attributes of potential suitors. Undoubtedly, they would have frequently leafed through the pages of Debrett’s Peerage & Baronetage when their daughters came out in society and would have eagerly combed the entries relating to the young gentlemen their daughters encountered at balls and soirees. This process worked both ways, and families of inveterate bachelors were probably equally scrupulous when it came to vetting young ladies. In the words of Oscar Wilde, in The Portrait of Dorian Grey:
“Well, we must look out for a suitable match for him. I shall go through Debrett carefully to-night and draw out a list of all the eligible young ladies.”
Debrett’s Peerage & Baronetage has been published continuously, though not always at regular intervals, since the late 18th century. A succession of editors, many of them closely involved with the College of Arms, kept the flame alight in the 19th century, through the auspices of various publishers. A knightage section was added in 1865 and remained part of the volume until 1973.
In the 20th century, there were just five editors: Arthur George Maynard Hesilrige; Cyril Hankinson; Patrick Wykeham Montague-Smith; and, as joint editors, Charles Kidd and David Williamson. In the 21st century Debrett’s acquired its first female editor, Wendy Bosberry-Scott, and in 2021 the venerable red book finally went exclusively online, where it is continuously updated.
Over the past 200 years ago society has undergone extraordinary changes and the Peerage & Baronetage has reflected these transformations, including expanding to include illegitimate children, adopted children, same-sex marriages and civil partnerships. The large number of life peers that now populate the House of Lords have also found their way to Debrett’s pages and every new creation is meticulously recorded, following a tradition of research and scholarship that dates to the 17th and 18th centuries.
We’ve all got used to notifications of missed calls on our phones. At a basic level, they alert us to the fact that someone is trying to reach us, but they also pose a number of etiquette challenges. While on the one hand they may be seen as merely informative, they also can make us feel hounded, under an obligation to reply, or rattled because we fear that we’re missing out on important news.
Many of us use this facility to screen our calls, ensuring that we are always in control of who we speak to and when. However, our refusal to ever just answer a call may well be frustrating to our callers, who come to resent the fact that they never get through and may feel disrespected or overlooked.
Sometimes friends and family use the missed call as a way of jogging the memory, of sending a reminder that they’d like to be in contact. They know each other well and don’t need to elaborate further.
But in most cases, it is always polite and helpful to follow up a missed call with a text or voicemail, and this is particularly useful if you’re aware that your number may well not be in the recipient’s contacts. Don’t leave a redundant voice mail or text saying “It’s xxxxxxx. Call me back.” This simply repeats the information that the recipient has got from the missed call notification. Use your message to give a short hint about the nature of your call, even if all you’re saying is “I just wanted to catch up”. Giving a very brief indication of the purpose of your call will help the recipient to understand the importance/urgency of calling back.
While a voicemail would have been the conventional way of sending the message, there is an increasing reluctance, especially amongst younger people, to use this method, which is seen as cumbersome. The recipient will probably have to negotiate the menu options of their phone provider before accessing the message, whereas a text is more instantaneous. In addition, some people find leaving voicemails challenging – they experience a kind of performance anxiety when they hear the words “record your message after the beep” and end up tongue-tied, incoherent or rambling.
If you have any reservations about using voicemail, then a quick text is probably the best choice. Just say something along the lines of: ‘Sorry I missed you. Can you call me back to discuss arrangements for Saturday 21st. Thanks, Richard’ (you only need add your name – and surname, depending on the level of your acquaintanceship – if you think you might not be in the recipient’s contacts).
If you are trying to reach someone and they don’t pick up, don’t keep re-dialling. There’s probably a perfectly good reason for them not answering and you should be aware that repeatedly pressing re-dial and leaving a large number of missed call notifications will ring alarm bells, probably unnecessarily. It is much better to send a text, which will allay any anxieties.
If you realise that you’ve made a pocket call, it’s a good idea to text and apologise. Just say ‘sorry, pocket call!’ and the recipient won’t feel under any obligation to call you back.
If you’ve made a missed call and the recipient calls you back within a short time (a couple of minutes), do your best to pick up – it can get very frustrating to get caught in an endless loop of unanswered calls.
If you receive a missed call that you wanted to answer, call back immediately, and there is a good chance that the caller will pick up. If it seems relevant, you can give a brief explanation about why you didn’t pick up in the first place.
If you have not been able to pick up your call, but you would have liked to speak – perhaps you were in the cinema, a meeting, the quiet carriage of a train, or some other circumstance where speaking was impossible – it is a good idea to send a quick text, explaining your temporary non-availability and reassuring the caller that you will ring back (try and give an approximate time).
If you receive a missed call from an unknown number and you receive no follow-up text message or voicemail, you do not need to call back. Just remind yourself that if the call is urgent or important, the caller will send you a message. In fact, the call from an unknown number may well be a scam (and scammers may even go as far as leaving a voicemail, so you will need to exercise caution). Many scammers repeatedly call random numbers and, when the calls are picked up or returned, try to extract personal information, such as credit card details, by talking to you. Scammers will frequently pretend to be from your bank, or internet provider etc so it is always a good idea to google these companies and check their phone numbers against the missed call numbers on your phone, before even contemplating calling back. In this instance, being polite and conscientious may make you vulnerable to fraud.
In general, if you receive a missed call, followed up by a genuine text or voicemail, it is only polite to respond. There may be circumstances when you have no desire whatsoever to speak to the caller, but on the whole, you should accept that your mobile is your primary means of communication with the outside world, and you have an obligation to respond. You may want to control the circumstances in which you engage with people on the phone, but never calling back does not give you an elusive mystique, it just makes you look rude.
The Equality Act of 2010 protects us from age discrimination in all aspects of employment, including recruitment, terms and conditions, promotions and transfers. It also protects us from direct or indirect discrimination, harassment or victimisation. This is the legal background to a very British concern: the desire to keep our age to ourselves.
Children and young people revel in their age and welcome milestones, with their ever-widening range of possibilities, with enthusiasm (driving at 17, drinking in pubs, marrying and voting at 18, the symbolic “keys to the door” at 21). But very soon this exuberant embrace of aging is discarded, and a much more circumspect attitude is embraced.
While fresh-faced twenty-somethings would appear to have nothing to fear, many feel that they have encountered reverse age discrimination: older people make disparaging remarks like “policemen seem to be getting younger these days” or marvel at extreme youth, which they appear to see as an impediment when it comes to taking responsibility or shouldering daunting challenges.
We all know that age is just a number, and that conscientiousness, effectiveness, reliability and so on are character traits that have very little to do with longevity. Inevitably, however, the question of age becomes much more pressing as the years go by and, in a society where the ideals of youthful beauty and energy are remorselessly being promoted through all forms of media, age can be a dangerous, as well as discriminatory, topic.
Traditionally, it was considered particularly impolite to ask a woman her age. While men were given some credit for their advanced years – experience, gravitas, senior status and so on – older women were seen as being diminished by age. While it is to be hoped that these notions are now seen as old-fashioned, especially when we are confronted by a panoply of role models of older people whose zest for life and continuing achievements are truly awe-inspiring, the conventional reticence about asking about a person’s age remains.
The main issue when it comes to asking a person’s age (of either gender) is that as a result that person may be consigned into a tick-box category (early 40s, over-50s, pensioner, 80s+), which may carry many preconceptions, and hence limitations. These expectations can be extremely circumscribed and rigid, yet we’re all aware that, as we begin to mature, our perceptions of age keep pace with our own experience of aging. Our notions of what constitutes “old age” are rapidly recalibrated, and our appreciation of what constitutes “age-appropriate” behaviour is amended accordingly.
Many people find being asked about their age intrusive and resent being “boxed” into an age group, which they feel has little to do with their own self-perception and value. It is this reasoning that lies behind the Equality Act, which ensures that these preconceptions and prejudices do not muddy the waters when it comes to employment.
A safe default, therefore, is not to ask direct questions like “How old are you?” or “When were you born?”. If you’re desperate to find out (even if it is only approximately) somebody’s age, you should approach the question in a much more subtle and crabwise fashion, maybe turning the conversation to topics like schooldays, university, early working life, or perhaps initiating a general discussion about your recollections of children’s television, or popular culture during your teenage years. These questions may well elicit recollections and insights that will help you to make a reasonable guess about a person’s age. This may all seem impossibly circuitous, but it is considered the polite way to proceed. It allows personal information to emerge naturally, without putting people on the spot, or making them feel interrogated. Don’t have recourse to the cheesy option of using flattery and compliments to disarm your target: “You’ve got the most wonderful skin – may I ask how old you are?” Most people will spot the ruse a mile off and may find it intensely irritating.
If you don’t like revealing your age, for whatever reason, and somebody asks you a direct question, it is perfectly acceptable to deflect it. You could say something like “I make it a policy never to tell anybody my age!” or “Why do you ask?” or “I’d prefer to keep that to myself” or “I really don’t think age is important.” This should shut down all but the most persistent interrogators.
Of course, many people have no problem revealing their age, and are quite happy to communicate it to all and sundry. They might do this directly, by stating their age, birth year, or birth decade (“I was a child of the sixties’). Or they may do it more subtly by dropping hints: “It was so brilliant getting my bus pass last year” or “It makes you feel so middle-aged when you have to tick the 50-55 box on forms!”.
Many people would argue that the most liberating option is not to care too much either way: to give a straight answer to a straight question, if that is what is required, and not to recoil defensively when confronted by an importunate person.
