Image: Victorian depiction of early 19th-century Christmas celebration by Charles Green, Wikimedia Commons
Formal dining, like much of Victorian life, was strictly circumscribed by the rules of etiquette. Good table manners were, of course, paramount, but great emphasis was also placed on invitations, punctuality, precedence and a proper seating plan. In this, as in so much else, savoir-faire was a prime requisite for anyone who sought status within the social hierarchy.
It was the obligation of the host to ensure that their formal dinner ran seamlessly. “A dinner, to be excellent, need not consist of a great variety of dishes: but everything should be of the best, and the cookery should be perfect. That which should be cool should be cool as ice; that which should be hot should be smoking; the attendance should be rapid and noiseless; the guests well assorted; the wines of the best quality; the host attentive and courteous; the room well lighted; and the time punctual.”
There was no tolerance of indecision or prevarication when it came to invitations: they should be “replied to immediately, and unequivocally accepted or declined. Once accepted, nothing but an event of the last importance should cause you to fail in your engagement.”
On the night of the dinner, guests were expected to be “exactly punctual”, with some etiquette manuals opining that it was better not to show up at all (providing one sent an apology) than to be late and to inconvenience the hostess and the other guests.
The next great ritual was the “taking down” to dinner. Once the guests were all assembled, the hosts took each gentleman aside and pointed out the lady whom he was to conduct to the table. If that lady was a stranger, it was up to the gentleman to single her out beforehand and seek an introduction. When dinner was announced the gentleman offered the lady his arm and the couples proceeded down to the dining room in order of precedence.
The tricky matter of precedence was the host’s responsibility: “When the society is of a distinguished kind, the host will do well to consult Debrett or Burke, before arranging his visitors.” In less elevated company a simple rule of thumb was followed: “The lady who is the greatest stranger should be taken down by the master of the house, and the gentleman who is the greatest stranger should conduct the hostess. Married ladies take precedence of single ladies, elder ladies of younger ones, and so forth.”
The vexed question of where to seat the guests could make or break a dinner party, then as now, and the advice in etiquette manuals will be familiar. There were certain unbreakable rules in relation to the prime positions at table: “The lady of the house takes the head of the table. The gentleman who led her down to dinner occupies the seat on her right hand, and the gentleman next in order of precedence, that on her left. The master of the house takes the foot of the table. The lady whom he escorted sits on his right hand, and the lady next in order of precedence on his left, &c.” Married couples were, of course, separated unless they were recently wed, in which case they were allowed to sit together.
As far as seating the rest of the guests, hosts were advised to be tactful and mindful of the social dynamics. A “good talker” should be placed at the centre of the table where he could be seen and heard by all; it was obviously a bad idea to place two such people in proximity. Putting gentlemen of the same profession next to each other was ill-advised as they were liable to fall immediately into an exclusive conversation that would be of no interest to the surrounding guests. The politics, religion, and general opinions of the various guests should all be taken into consideration.
As soon as the guests were seated, they were advised to remove their gloves and place the table napkin on their knees.
Formal dinners proceeded with stately predictability. First was the soup, which was followed by the fish course (by the mid-19th century serving fish and soup together was considered old-fashioned). It is firmly stated that “All well-ordered dinners begin with soup, whether in summer or winter.” The soup was dispensed from the tureen by the lady of the house and bowls were sent round to each diner. Firm advice was given to diners not to ask for second helpings of fish or soup, as it might delay the arrival of the main course and inconvenience fellow diners.
The third course introduced the principal dishes of roast and boiled meats and fowl, accompanied by various side plates. Increasingly, the “French fashion” was followed, and meat was carved on the sideboard by servants and handed round, which relieved the host, or a designated guest, of the responsibility of carving (although it was advised that every gentleman should acquire the art of competent carving). When dessert arrived, gentlemen were requested to help neighbouring ladies, serving strawberries, passing cherries or grapes, and volunteering to peel apples or peaches.
When it came to helping neighbours, diners were told that it was “inexpressibly vulgar” to offer to “assist”; instead, phrases such as “Shall I send you some mutton?” or “may I help you to grouse?” were recommended.
Today, we are inclined to wait until everyone is ready to eat, unless explicitly instructed otherwise, but the Victorians took the opposite view. “As soon as you are helped, begin to eat; or, if the viands are too hot for your palate, take up your knife and fork and appear to begin. To wait for others is now not only old fashioned, but ill-bred.”
Servants were usually responsible for taking wine round the table and filling glasses and the gentlemen were firmly instructed to take charge of the glasses of the ladies next to them and ensure their glasses were filled. It was considered inappropriate for ladies to ask for wine, but entirely acceptable for them to decline it, so if they wished to drink, they were reliant on the good offices of their male neighbours. Expectations of ladies’ wine consumption seem surprisingly high: “Young ladies seldom drink more than three glasses of wine at dinner but married ladies, professional ladies, and those accustomed to society, and habits of affluence, will habitually take five or even six, whether in their own homes or at the tables of their friends.”
As far as general conduct was concerned, guests were advised to eat “deliberately and decorously” and to ensure that they were not “too much engrossed in attending to the wants of the stomach, to join in the cheerful interchange of civilities and thought”. Gentlemen were expected to be assiduous in attending to the needs of the ladies, whilst showing due appreciation of the “delicacy, moderation, and fastidiousness” of their appetites.
At the end of the meal, after coffee and liqueurs had been handed round, the ladies retired to the drawing room, leaving the gentlemen to their cigars, cognac and conversation. When the ladies left the dining room, the gentlemen all stood and remained standing until the last lady had left the room. Lingering too long in the dining room was considered a “bad compliment” to the hostess and her female guests: “a refined gentleman is always temperate”.
Obviously much of the burden of organising the dinner fell on the hostess and she was advised never to be “dependent on the taste and judgment of her cook”. If her cook was not up to the task, it was perfectly acceptable to order a meal from a reputable restaurant.
Hostesses were expected to be calm, discreet and attentive throughout the evening, never displaying a whisper of anxiety or stress. It was considered bad form to reprove or give audible directions to their servants. If they were the mother of small children, they were adamantly advised not to allow their children to make an appearance at any point in the evening: “Children are out of place on these occasions. Your guests only tolerate them through politeness; their presence interrupts the genial flow of after-dinner conversation.”
The hostess, in short, must “neglect nothing, forget nothing, put all her guests at their ease, encourage the timid, draw out the silent, and pay every possible attention to the requirements of each and all around her. No accident must ruffle her temper. No disappointment must embarrass her. She must see her old china broken without a sigh, and her best glass shattered with a smile.”
An article in Cassells Family Magazine (1875) gives us a highly prescriptive account of the ideal Victorian dining room. The author confidently asserts that “warmth, comfort and hospitality” are the goals of the décor, and therefore rich and glowing colours are recommended. Rooms should be wallpapered in crimson, oak or green, with perhaps a little gold in the pattern to give a “brightening effect”. If the owner of the room is lucky enough to possess a fine array of paintings, these should be displayed against a plain and delicate colour, such as pale green, buff or salmon.
On the floor a Turkey carpet is recommended: its warm colours contribute to the cosiness of the room, and it is also extremely hard-wearing.
Curtains should be heavy and substantial: “Cloth, woollen rep, and Cotelan (a German manufacture made of silk, wool, and cotton) seem to be the most suitable for the purpose; a plain colour bordered with a trimming to correspond will look the best”.
Mahogany furniture is highly recommended, and it ias pointed out that the furniture should be “en suite”: mismatched items of furniture will give the room a “patched and forlorn look”. A four-square dining table, with legs at the corners, is decreed to be the most convenient: “the most inconvenient is the Pembroke table, whose four legs are in such awkward positions that they are always in everybody’s way, and invariably get kicked or knocked by someone. Then there is a dining-table whose legs are clustered in the middle, and form a pedestal; this has its drawbacks, for the weight of the dishes presses most heavily where there is no support, and consequently this kind of table is not very steady in its behaviour.”
Beyond a doubt, Cassels identifies the sideboard as the “chief glory” of the dining room. If it is affordable, a carved sideboard is the most desirable, but the writer firmly prefers a “perfectly plain side-board well made, than one showy and florid, having great pretensions, but proving an impostor on inspection.”
Dining room ornaments should be few in number and plain: on the mantlepiece there should be candles or a small candelabra, a clock, a spill pot (for lighting cigars), and a couple of vases. These items should be made of marble, bronze or serpentine. The sideboard should be dedicated to the serving of food and should only be used for functional items such as the tea-caddy, serving salvers, biscuit box and dessert-knife case.
Quotations are taken from:
Routledge’s Manual of Etiquette, George Routledge, 1860
How to Behave: A Pocket Manual of Etiquette and Guide to Correct Personal Habits, Samuel Wells, 1865
Cassels Family Magazine, 1875
Everybody experiences disappointment from time to time and when hopes and expectations are dashed we can be left feeling crushed or resentful. Dwelling on our feelings of disappointment can be destructive: other people are frequently implicated or made to feel partly responsible and may not know how to respond.
Some setbacks are the results of genuine bad luck and are beyond our control; some are very much our own responsibility; they are predictable and preventable.
Think about your expectations – it is often elevated expectations that lead to disappointment. When our hopes and expectations are not realistic or attainable, we are bound to experience disappointment. Are we aiming too high? Are we being too demanding and perfectionist? Are we trying to get away with something, thereby avoiding recrimination? Are we trying to achieve something that is essentially beyond our abilities or our grasp?
Or are we aiming too low and fulfilling our own unambitious predictions? Are we suppressing our expectations in order to avoid having to confront disappointment? This form of self-preservation can lead to an unchallenging, unfulfilled life and a general feeling of self-dissatisfaction.
Your behaviour may well be a factor in recurring disappointments: Are you unclear in your communication? Have you managed to convey what you expect from others? Do you understand what you expect from yourself? Are you listening to what other people are saying to you? Knowing yourself, are you adjusting your expectations to align with a realistic appraisal of your abilities?
Don’t castigate other people when you experience disappointment and try not to let your tendency to blame others lead to feelings of disenchantment and betrayal. Instead, examine your disappointments and see them as an opportunity to learn about yourself, your capabilities, your ambitions, your blind spots. Learn to accept disappointment with good grace and use the experience as a catalyst for change.
• Don’t deny you’re disappointed
Acknowledging an emotion, as long as you don’t disappear down a rabbit hole of recrimination and regret, is a good idea. People will respect your honesty and will respond to it much more positively than denial or deflection. But keep it short and snappy; no need to rehearse the minute details of everything that has gone wrong.
• Don’t lash out
Your natural tendency may be to blame everybody but yourself for your travails, and disappointment may well turn you spiteful and vindictive. This is not a good look. It is also frequently extremely unfair; you need to take a long, hard look at the situation and accept that you may well have contributed to it or be wholly responsible for it. Once you acknowledge this, you must accept accountability for your own actions and any negative impact they may have had.
• Don’t wallow in self-discrimination
You may have an impulse to go the other way and decide that shouldering the blame for absolutely everything that has gone wrong will redeem your image in the eyes of the world. This is a simple miscalculation. There is only so much self-flagellation that onlookers can take, and they may ultimately feel resentful of the fact that your abject self-criticism is forcing them into a position where they must step in and bolster your self-confidence.
• Don’t drag other people down
It is important, especially if you’re in a leadership role, to resist whining and self-pity. If you suffer a disappointment that has had an impact on your team, employees, or allies your job is to boist everyone else’s morale, not to spread a miasma of doom and gloom. Practise adopting a bland and inscrutable poker face, make a brief statement acknowledging your disappointment and move briskly on.
• Don’t prolong the drama
We’ve all suffered serious setbacks, endured searing criticism, stayed awake at night enumerating our regrets and thinking about what might have been. But dwelling on these negative emotions will leave you stuck in a rut and, instead of minimising the disappointment, will ensure that it looms large. Put it all behind you, learn from what happened to you and keep moving forward.
• Don’t dig in and keep repeating your mistakes
Ultimately you will be judged on your ability to rise, positively and stoically, above disappointment. If you fail to do so, you will continue to make the same errors of judgment and will be seen as someone who is stuck in a rut of failure and negativity.
Balmy summer evenings: birdsong; the clink of glasses; the barely audible sound of gentle conversation from the neighbouring garden. How many of us can honestly say that this is our experience of hot summer nights? As the temperature goes up, we all tend to gravitate outdoors – to gardens, patios, balconies. The light fades late in the evening, the temperature is optimal, and we live outdoors: eating, drinking, chatting, listening to music al fresco. This all sounds delightful, but it can all too easily get out of hand. We fantasise about civilised co-existence, but often we're faced with a barrage of noise at anti-social hours.
Noise carries at night in still gardens. Loud conversation and music late at night robs us of our sleep and frays our nerves. Early birds can be equally disturbing: if you’re looking forward to a Sunday morning lie-in and your neighbour is an enthusiastic gardener, who’s up with the lark and thinks nothing of powering up the mower at 8am, you will also have cause for complaint.
Being good neighbours in winter is so much easier. We huddle indoors and sound is muffled and inaudible. Summer, on the other hand, is a challenge.
If you are beginning to feel plagued by noisy neighbours, think carefully about their transgressions. If they choose to eat outside, chat and play music on warm summer evenings, but regularly turn in by midnight, you may have to accept that it is their right to do so, and you must learn to live with it. Your neighbours may very well not share your ideas about the outdoor lifestyle. They may have an entirely different taste in music, noisy children who tear around the garden when they get back from school, a barking dog, or a regular visitor with a particularly shrill and penetrating laugh. But can you honestly say these are major social transgressions? We all must accept, when we live in a community, that harmony will only be maintained if we are tolerant and prepared to make concessions. If we lay down the law, and insist that everyone complies with our lifestyle choices, we will inevitably cause conflict.
Broadly speaking, we all need to accept various parameters. Most people work during the day and their children go to school. This means that, on weekdays, they need to get up reasonably early in the morning. Keeping people awake after midnight is therefore inevitably going to be unpopular. Weekends are a different proposition, and probably require greater reserves of tolerance and flexibility. However, repeated and regular noisy weekend parties, which come around with grim regularity, are also beyond the pale. If your neighbour’s music is regularly played late at night at loud volume (especially if the bass is amplified) and the outdoors socialising often extends into the early hours of the morning, then you have a legitimate grievance.
If you’re beginning to feel troubled by noise, remind yourself of all these considerations and think carefully about whether an objective observer would find your complaints reasonable. If you think this is the case, begin to keep a note of noise transgressions and assess whether they are tipping into the intolerable category. If that is the case, your first course of action is to speak to the neighbour.
Try your hardest not to charge around to your neighbour’s front door when you’re in a lather of rage and frustration. You will inevitably enter the fray with all guns blazing and may well make the situation worse. If possible, try and engineer an ‘accidental’ encounter with your neighbour. Chat about how lovely the weather has been, compare notes about how much you’re enjoying the summer. Then, when everything is reasonably harmonious, try to gently point out the problem. Say something like “I know how much you love sitting out in the evenings, but the music and conversation gets very loud and we’re having real problems sleeping. Do you think you’d be able to call a halt by 11 on weekdays? We’d be so grateful.” With any luck, your neighbour will feel mortified by the fact that you’ve been forced to complain, and disarmed by your extremely polite and sympathetic approach, and will do what you ask. If they do what you ask, acknowledge it. When you next meet them say, “by the way, I’m so grateful to you for keeping the noise down. We really do appreciate it.”
Of course, this may well not be the case. You may have an intractable and aggressive neighbour, or your latest complaint may just be one in a long stream of problems. Your neighbour may find your request absurdly over-demanding in the circumstances. For whatever reason, they may decide to dig in, ignore your pleas, and even up the ante by tweaking up the volume and prolonging their evenings outside. You may suffer a serious deterioration in relations as a result.
If that is the case and you feel you really cannot handle the situation, the next step is to write to your local council and outline your complaint. Councils are prepared to take any complaints of noise nuisance between the hours of 11pm–7am seriously. Bear in mind that councils will only tend to investigate recurring noise nuisance, so it’s no use going down this route because of just one loud party. The council may ask you to keep a diary of the issue, so if you’ve been noting down problematic occasions that may well be useful.
It’s easy to feel victimised by other people’s noise, but remember that you can also be a perpetrator, so look at your own behaviour and try to be as considerate as possible. Think about your neighbours, keep your eye on the time, and be aware that – if the clock is ticking towards midnight – you should call it a night and take yourself, your friends, and your music indoors. Be considerate about DIY and loud machine noise early in the mornings, especially at weekends. Make it a rule that, whenever you’re about to make a loud noise, you pause for a moment and think about the impact on the people around you.
Finally, if you’re entertaining in your garden or patio and you know that proceedings are likely to be noisy and spill over beyond the midnight cut-off, politely warn your neighbours. Ideally, invite them (especially if it is a big garden party), as this is the perfect way of diffusing any disputes. But if you’re not able to do that, have the courtesy to go round and apologise for any disturbance in advance.
Ascot stages 26 days of racing throughout the year, but the five-day Royal Meeting, held annually in the third week in June, is the most famous – a key date in the social calendar which combines venerable tradition with fashionable panache. Every year Royal Ascot takes place in late June.
The first race meeting ever held at Ascot took place on 11 August 1711 and was instigated by Queen Anne, but it was with the accession of George II that the race became the second most popular in England.
In the 1790s, a Royal Stand was erected to ensure privacy for members of the Royal Family. The Royal Enclosure, as it is now recognised, dates to 1822 when George IV commissioned a two-storey stand to be built with a surrounding lawn, with access by invitation of the King.
In 1825, the annual tradition of the Royal Procession began. The King, leading four other coaches with members of the Royal party, drove up the centre of the racecourse in front of the crowds, establishing the tradition that is still in place today. The Royal Procession opens each day’s racing at 2pm and, as the Royal landau passes, the Royal Standard is raised and the national anthem is played. It was well known that the late Queen was an ardent fan of horse-racing and Royal Ascot was one of her favourite events. All eyes will be on the racecourse this year to see which members of the Royal Family attend.
To gain entry to the Royal Enclosure, where strict dress codes apply, racegoers must obtain a sponsorship form and have it signed by someone who has attended the Royal Enclosure for four consecutive years. Convicted criminals and undischarged bankrupts were barred from the Royal Enclosure, but divorcées have been allowed in since 1955.
Royal Ascot’s much-loved tradition of ‘singing round the bandstand’ dates to the 1970s under the stewardship of Lady Beaumont, wife of the then Clerk of the Course. The after-racing medley of British favourites and flag-waving was an immediate hit, and thousands of racegoers stayed on and joined in.
Ascot’s dress codes owe much to the Edwardian era, with its tailcoats and extravagantly large ladies’ hats. This quintessentially British style still underpins dress codes today, which are strictly applied in both the Royal and Queen Anne Enclosures. The Village Enclosure and Windsor Enclosure offer more relaxed ambience, though many visitors will still choose to dress up.
Ladies:
Gentlemen:
Please note: A gentleman may remove his top hat within a restaurant, a private box, a private club or that facility’s terrace, balcony or garden. Hats may also be removed within any enclosed external seating area within the Royal Enclosure Garden. The customisation of top hats (with, for example, coloured ribbons or bands) is not permitted in the Royal Enclosure.
Ladies:
Gentlemen:
Overseas visitors are welcome to wear the formal National Dress of their country or Service Dress in any enclosure at Royal Ascot. Serving military personnel from the UK are welcome to wear Service Dress or equivalent.
In 1922 a Times journalist commented that Ascot was “notoriously the best place in England to see beautiful women in beautiful clothes.” Since the very beginning, Ascot has been synonymous with high fashion and elaborate couture.
Royal Ascot is also famous for its extraordinary hats, especially on Thursday, which is Ladies’ Day, an extravaganza of high fashion and outlandish millinery. Queen Victoria made hats de rigueur after wearing a porter bonnet (a headpiece that shielded the face from observers) to Ascot in the 1830s.
Hats were once an intrinsic feature of British life, and certainly seen as the crowning glory of a lady’s outfit. Today, there are very few occasions when it is acceptable to wear a hat that is a true talking point and Royal Ascot embraces the opportunity with enthusiasm.
The Jockey Club relaxed its dress codes earlier this year, so Royal Ascot – with its detailed rules and regulations and minutely specified brim and strap widths remains something of a standout. Most of us will never encounter such stringent dress codes in our everyday lives and we will enjoy the creative opportunity this occasion gives us to create a striking outfit that is both compliant and original.
Cricket has never been a more popular sport, not least because of investment in a range of country grounds, the increasing following for Twenty20, and the thrilling professionalism of the county teams.
From the perfect sight of a cricket match played on a village green in late afternoon sunlight to the grandeur and excitement of an England test match at Lords, cricket offers so much to the spectator. Fans will be looking forward to a summer of their favourite sport, especially to the Ashes series, which starts at Edgbaston on Friday 16 June.
The famous rivalry between England and Australia dates to 1882 when the Australians beat England on English ground for the first time, The Sporting Times promptly declared that English cricket was dead and “the body will be cremated and the ashes taken to Australia”. During the next encounter in Australia, a small terracotta urn was presented to the English team, reputedly holding the ashes of an item of cricket equipment. Although the urn has never become the official trophy of the tournament, it has come to symbolise the high drama that is so often associated with it.
Many ‘firsts’ are recorded in the substantial annals of the game of cricket. A game that was recognisably cricket was being played in Tudor England – the word ‘cricket’ is mentioned in Florio’s Italian English dictionary in 1598. In 1624 Jasper Vinall became the first man known to be killed playing cricket: hit by a bat while trying to catch the ball – at Horsted Green, Sussex. The first reference to a ‘great match’ was in 1697 in Sussex. Just 12 years later the first county match, between Kent and Surrey, was recorded.
In 1744 the Laws of Cricket were first codified and in 1787 the first match was played at Thomas Lord’s London cricket ground. The first match at the Oval was played in 1845. The first English touring team went to the US and Canada in 1859. In 1873 WG Grace became the first player to record 1,000 runs and 100 wickets in a season. The first test match took place in Melbourne in 1877 – Australia beat England by 45 runs. The first test match in England took place in 1880 – a five-wicket victory against Australia at the Oval.
Cricket developed as a peculiarly British game that enshrined and perpetuated many fundamental British attitudes. Underpinning it is the notion that there were once two types of cricketers: amateurs who played for the love of the game and professionals who played for money. The ‘gentlemen’ amateurs probably had sufficient wealth and social status to be able to afford to indulge in their hobby, while the professionals presumably were concerned with the necessity to make a living. This division led to a belief that the best gentlemen sportsmen, who appeared to be operating on the moral high ground (free of the constraints of financial necessity) could meet professionals on equal terms and even emerge the victors.
In 1798 a cricket-obsessed clergyman named Lord Frederick Beauclerk, captaining a team of ‘gentlemen amateurs’, challenged the professionals (‘players’) to a match and lost disastrously. A tradition was born, and for many years these Gentleman vs Players matches, which took place every season from 1816–1962 (with the exception of the world war years) were the most prestigious fixtures on the English cricketing calendar. For the most part, the clash of ill-matched teams generally led to the resounding defeat of the gentlemen. From 1865 to 1906, however, a remarkable amateur cricketer, WG Grace, took to the field and turned the whole game around; the Gentlemen dominated the matches during this era, a triumph that was reflected in the whole-hearted enthusiasm for the game at public schools and Oxford and Cambridge.
After the heyday of EG Grace it became increasingly apparent that the gentlemen were not offering any real contest to the professionals. Gentlemen vs players matches became a good way of spotting talented amateurs and recruiting them for the professional game, rather than an exciting spectator sport, and the last of these games took place at Lords in 1962. The veneration of the flair and spontaneity of supremely talented amateurs, at the expense of admiration for the competence and efficiency of professions continued to haunt British sport –and not just cricket.
Early games of cricket were hard-fought and alarmingly violent. The Laws of cricket began to evolve in the 18th century (the MCC produced their first set of Laws in 1788 a year after the club’s foundation). Over the courses of the following century, cricket began to develop a notion of the ‘spirit of the game’, which went further than the actual laws. The prevailing idea emerged that cricket should be played with integrity and straightforwardness, linking the sport closely to the notion of sound, ‘gentlemanly’ ethics. From this evolved the idea of ‘not cricket’, which was first mooted by another enthusiastic reverend, James Pycroft, in 1851, who, condemning the timidity of the great batsman Fuller Pilch in the face of some awesome fast bowling, explored the notions of cricket and fair play: “Why then, we will not say that anything which that hardest of hitters and thorough cricketer [Pilch] does is not cricket... But certainly it is anything but play.”
In 1896 The Times thundered: “cricket is a kind of synonym for generous behaviour, nor can we condemn any conduct more severely and succinctly than by saying that ‘it is not cricket’”. The phrase ‘not cricket’ had acquired general currency and was so over-used in the first half of the 20th century that it began to become meaningless. Indeed, in 1929, Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin confusingly opined: “One could not define what cricket was, as one could not define a gentleman, but one knew it, as one knew a gentleman when one met a gentleman.”
In an era of fierce professionalism, commercialism and sponsorship, cricket has become a very different sport and that telling phrase has lost much of its lustre, but it is a reminder of the very special place cricket has occupied in the British character.
• The umpire’s decision is final. Never show dissent.
• Walk when given out – no lingering or arguing.
• Applaud the new batsman as he makes his way to wicket.
• Never interfere with the seam or surface of the ball (polishing is fine).
• Never deliberately distract the batsman.
• No dangerous bowling: never risk causing physical injury to the batsman.
• No time-wasting.
When it comes to warm weather the British are quite perverse. They complain endlessly about grey skies and drizzle and greet warm sunshine with delight and abandon. They rush to parks and beaches and sunbathe ill-advisedly. Before long, the insomnia induced by hot, sticky nights, as well as the clammy discomfort of buses, trains and tubes and stuffy homes and offices begins to get to them. Red-faced and sweaty, many people become cantankerous in the heat, feel oppressed by claustrophobically high temperatures, and are restless and irritable. The longed-for summer weather has become burdensome and a ‘break’ in the weather is talked about, by some people at least, with wistful longing. This cycle is repeated several times over the course of the summer.
Irritability can be very destructive. It is hard to be around someone who suffers from moodiness and grumpiness and those who suffer from heat-induced huffiness may find their inability to control their own moods and behaviour troubling. It is obviously important to keep your internal barometer strictly to yourself. No one wants to be subjected to your emotional highs and lows: your aim should be to project equanimity at all times, and defaulting to affable good manners is a good way of moderating your moods and concealing your inner turmoil.
• Identify the source
You may well be sitting on the tube or a hot and crowded bus feeling prickly and on a short fuse. It only takes a little introspection to realise that you’re feeling cranky because you’re physically uncomfortable, and possibly over-tired because you haven’t been sleeping well. The mood trigger is simple and explicable, and therefore can be managed.
• Beware caffeine and alcohol
If you’re overcome by lassitude, it’s a common reaction to turn to stimulants. Caffeine is an obvious solution to over-tiredness and many of us turn to alcohol when we seek to change our mood. But too much coffee will make you feel hot and hyper, and alcohol – especially if you’re feeling thirsty in the heat and drink copious amounts – will dehydrate you, which may cause headaches and dizziness. The positive effects of drinking – feeling relaxed, communicative and confident – are short-lived and can mutate into more negative feelings such as anxiety, depression and anger. Stick to water (especially in a heatwave).
• Think about the bigger picture
It’s often small things – passing physical discomfort, fatigue, mild stress – that make us irascible. So, once you’re identified what they are, take a moment to gain perspective and accept that there are probably plenty of more important things (job, health, family, friends) to be grateful for, rather than fixating on niggling minutiae.
• Relax
Taking yourself out of a stressful situation, going for a walk (even if it just a turn around the garden), sit under a shady tree and listen to music, read a book, take a break. The important thing is just to take some time out and calm down.
• Communicate
If you feel you have succumbed to irritability and snapped or lost your temper, apologise as soon as you possibly can. Explain that you were temporarily deranged by heat discomfort (or hunger, insomnia, stress etc.), and emphasise that your disconcerting behaviour was nothing personal.
It’s hard to be around someone who’s tetchy and short-tempered, but there are ways in which you can improve the situation.
• Alert them
Comment on their behaviour. They might well not realise that their bad mood is manifest, so it is always a good idea to alert them to the fact. You don’t need to have a long heart-to-heart on the subject; sometimes it’s just helpful to say something like “oh dear, you seem to be in a bad mood this morning”. While the short-term impact of this sort of statement might be provocative, ultimately the message will get through.
• Explain
Sometimes you need to spell out how irritability makes you feel. You could say something like “when you speak to me in that tone, you make me feel I’ve done something wrong/offended you”.
• Sympathise
If the irritable person is reasonably self-aware, they will probably be able to explain the reasons for their bad temper. You might think these explanations are inadequate and feel that a hot bus journey is not sufficient explanation for an outburst of grumpiness but remember everyone has different triggers and sensitivities so it is best to give them the benefit of the doubt.
• Move on
Try not to hold on to lingering resentment, especially if the offender has offered a polite apology. Certainly, irritability can effectively pollute the atmosphere and may even prove contagious, but it is transitory and soon forgotten, unlike true anger. We all feel tetchy and short-tempered from time to time, so a little empathy and understanding will go a long way.
We’re getting used to being fed a daily diet of downfall: big figures who are cut down to size; arrogant egoists whose relentless self-promotion ends in ignominy; high achievers who make a fatal error. But how are we meant to react to this information?
Schadenfreude is a German word for harm (Schaden) and joy (Freude), which denotes the delight we take in other people’s downfall. We all experience it at one time or another and it can range from the mean-spirited pleasure we take in an enemy’s travails, to full-blooded delight when the super-arrogant and super-complacent get their comeuppance.
What is the difference between schadenfreude and gloating? Broadly speaking, gloating means to observe, think about or comment upon something with often malicious delight and satisfaction. The main feature that distinguishes it from schadenfreude is that it denotes an action rather than a state of mind. Gloaters generally communicate their feelings of malicious pleasure and superiority to other people, often with an exuberant lack of inhibition. While the emphasis in schadenfreude is on the pleasure taken in others’ misfortune, gloating goes one step further, because it is often an opportunity for the gloater to dwell on other people’s predicament whilst displaying a large dose of smug self-satisfaction.
You need to be very careful about gloating, as it can come back to haunt you. It can come across as unseemly and inappropriate: should you really be that thrilled by another person’s disaster? Does your obvious delight make you look like a mean-spirited person? Are you confident that you are immune from failure? It’s easy to be smug about your own sense of superiority, but when things go wrong you may well be left with egg on your face. Are you sure that your gloating target is down and out? It can be very hard to find your way back from a gloating cul-de-sac – once you’re outed yourself as gleeful gloater it’s very hard to recover.
Articulating your pleasure in the fact that someone you dislike is suffering is a short-term game and can prove counterproductive. If you actually want to change people’s minds or bring other people round to your own point of view, you may find that gloating has the opposite effect, driving your wounded targets into a defensive position and making them into lifelong enemies. It would be much more effective to take the high ground, to remain calm, empathetic, considered and thoughtful. Concealing your gloating beneath a mask of impeccable good manners is an excellent way of ensuring you never put a foot wrong socially.
On the other hand, we all tend to see public figures as fair game. We have a penchant for gloating about the downfall of public figures and feel we can do it with impunity. Unless we are public commentators our malicious pleasure will never find its way to the victim’s ears, and it is a good way of letting off steam and bonding with fellow like-minded gloaters.
But what about closer to home, for example in the workplace? Gloating about your colleagues’ misfortunes and mistakes could make you look petty and unprofessional and might make fellow team-members nervous about trusting you. So follow these recommendations to ensure you don’t come across as an inveterate gloater:
• Learn from the failure of others
Rather than indulging in some pleasurable gloating, try to understand what went wrong. If you appreciate what you can learn from other people’s mistakes you will be thinking positively. Ultimately, you may ensure that you do not fall into the same trap.
• Be sympathetic
It may be tempting to adopt an “I told you so” tone when a colleague makes a mistake, but it is certainly much more constructive to provide a sympathetic ear, and to offer help and advice if it is sought. Wait until you are asked; unsolicited advice can all too easily mutate into “I wouldn’t have done that” gloating.
• Don’t badmouth your colleagues
Pointing out your colleagues’ errors and failings is a poor strategy. You may think that gloating over other people’s failings makes you look good, but in fact it makes you look disloyal and unsupportive and might do irreparable harm to your reputation. It would be much more politic to demonstrate a sympathetic willingness to solve any problems and support your team.
• Think carefully about getting involved
Sometimes, when there has been a major disaster at work, it is best to steer clear of the situation altogether. If you bear no responsibility for the debacle, then you might do well to stay untainted by the fallout; using a bad situation to make yourself look good can be a high-risk strategy.
The days of flying being in any way glamorous are long gone for most air-travellers. For most people, flying is a means to an end and they dread the crowded airport, the queuing, the cramped seating and proximity to fellow passengers. But in these testing circumstances, common courtesy should still apply, whether in first class or on a no-frills carrier, and will go some way to mitigating any inconvenience or discomfort.
In general, it is best to approach the whole experience with an air of calm detachment. Once you enter the airport terminal you have very little agency; you must simply react to instructions and announcements, and the best you can do is to respond promptly and efficiently. It is polite to others to be organised: queue patiently, have your documentation ready and be prepared for security checks.
In airport lounges, respect the ambience and atmosphere. If fellow-passengers are attempting to work, then loud conversations (with friends and colleagues, or on mobiles) should be avoided. Similarly, avoid conducting confidential or sensitive business calls in earshot of fellow passengers. Departure lounges can get very crowded, so be considerate about seating and don’t use empty chairs as depositories for all your baggage and possessions.
Be polite to the crew and queue calmly and patiently to board; do not push and shove or attempt to queue-barge. Once on board, try to sit down as quickly as possible. Avoid blocking the aisle when stowing bags in the overhead lockers and be aware of those of a smaller build who may need help lifting up bags and cases. When the plane lands, be patient, help other passengers with heavy bags, and let parent and children disembark first. You may be desperate to get off the plane ahead of everybody else, but a few minutes delay will not make much difference.
Stay within your own designated space and do not hog the armrest. Manspreading should be avoided when space is ast a premium.
Be courteous to a neighbour by getting up to let them out into the aisle, not making them scramble over you. Don’t tug on the back of the seat in front of you as you haul yourself to your feet – it will disturb the passenger in front of you.
It is fine to avoid all but the most essential conversation and best to make it clear that you do not wish to talk by shutting your eyes, reading or putting on your headphones, even if nothing is playing.
It’s stressful taking children on planes as they hate being confined for long periods. Before you fly with children, think about keeping them entertained and come well equipped with crayons, papers, books, or a tablet (make sure that you bring headphones).
Wriggling, restless children have a tendency to kick, jolt, or otherwise interfere with, the seat in front, so you need to be on your guard, or your child will drive the unfortunate victim mad. Restrain children from running up and down the aisle, especially when the lights are off.
If a baby or child is upset during the flight, parents can try getting up and walking around – cabin space is limited, but a child may respond well to a change of scene. Nobody wants a child to cry on the plane, so other passengers should avoid showing irritation. If they do display frustration, they will only make harassed parents feel even more fraught, which may well communicate itself to the child and prolong the agony. If children around you are very noisy, it is always a good idea to use headphones or earbuds to screen out most of the din.
There is no doubt that, on economy flights with cramped seating, having a seat reclined in front of you can make you feel trapped and claustrophobic (though it has no measurable impact on your legroom). It would be considerate, therefore, to refrain from reclining your seat on short-haul flights, and accept that it will enhance other passengers’ comfort if you forego the chance of snatching a quick sleep. After all, on short-haul flights many passengers are working on laptops, or travelling with small children, which is very difficult if the seat in front is reclined.
Long-haul flights are a different story, and many passengers will choose to while away night-time hours sleeping in a reclined position. If you want to recline your seat, follow these suggestions:
• Before you do anything, look behind you and check the situation of the passenger (they may, for example be working, or have a small child on their lap).
• If possible, make eye contact and say something polite like “I’m just going to recline my seat for a while – I hope that’s okay.” Faced with a polite enquiry, most people won’t object.
• Try and ease your seat gently back into the recline position and opt for a compromise position that will not impede the passenger behind too badly. Avoid an abrupt catapult into the full recline position, which may well cause disruption in the row behind.
• Don’t contemplate reclining your seat during the drinks and meal service – it’s hard enough juggling a drink and meal combination on a small fold-down tray at the best of times, and almost impossible when the tray has descended below your knee level.
If you see yourself as the ‘victim’ of an inconsiderate seat-recliner in the row in front, do not have recourse to passive-aggressive reactions like kicking the seat in front, or pointing the light or air nozzle at the guilty culprit. This sort of behaviour can escalate into out-and-out conflict, and nobody wants a violent argument in a cramped cabin at 30,000 feet.
If you are unbearably uncomfortable, you could try a very polite request: “I’m so sorry, but would you mind just easing up your seat a bit?” If that doesn’t work you could take your problem to the cabin crew – it’s possible that they might be able to seat you elsewhere, or they might be willing to intervene and reiterate your request. As always, make your request politely, don’t demand that they sort out the problem. Just say something like “Excuse me, I’m sorry to trouble you, but I’m very cramped here, is there another seat available/would you mind asking the passenger in front if they could ease up a bit?”
Remember, everyone has the right to recline. You may feel that you take priority because you want to work on the flight, or because you are exceptionally tall and therefore already over-cramped, but you don’t. It is sometimes hard to accept, but each passenger has purchased a ticket and with it has acquired certain rights. The very best option is to stay calm and polite throughout, and hope that you can negotiate reasonable compromises.
Headphones, AirPods and wireless earbuds are an effective way of sealing yourself off from the world and creating your own hermetic zone of privacy. With increasingly efficient noise-cancelling technology you can effectively block out all external noise stimuli and curate your own soundscape, be it music, podcasts or talking books.
During the pandemic many of us got used to living in our own worlds, listening to music or podcasts while we worked a home, secure in the knowledge that we were not having a negative impact on anyone. But it is problematic to take this kind of behaviour into a social or office space; if you are wearing headphones or earbuds you will not be able to hear conversations, join in impromptu brainstorming sessions, eavesdrop and pick up interesting intelligence, or collaborate with colleagues sitting nearby.
Whilst prominent headphones, or earbuds with dangling wires advertise their presence, earbuds and AirPods are discreet and unobtrusive and people around you might not even be aware you are using them. This can be disconcerting and frustrating for all concerned – nobody wants to feel that they have been wasting their time trying to communicate someone who is effectively dead to the world.
Whatever device you use, there is a risk that other people may find your desire to withdraw and effectively ‘shut down’ communication rude and offensive and some workplaces are now banning these devices, which they feel are detrimental to productivity and collegiality. Here are some etiquette tips to help you navigate the world of headphones:
• If you work in an open plan office where there is frequently conversation and interchange of ideas between colleagues, do not wear headphones or earbuds – you will be a much more valuable staff member if you stay alert, tune into conversations around you and contribute to the general discourse.
• Accept that most workspaces are social and interactive, and that headphones or earbuds are therefore inappropriate. You may long to escape into your latest podcast or block out the world with music, but you will look come across as a stand-offish non-participant, which is never a good look.
• If your office is very noisy and you have a piece of work to do that demands intense concentration, you could tell colleagues that you’re using headphones or earbuds to cancel noise and gain focus. Make sure this is for a finite period; just say something like “I’ve really got to concentrate on writing this report for the next hour so I’m going use my earbuds”. It would be a better option, however, to find a breakout room or quiet space where you can work in peace.
• If you are wearing any kind of wireless earbud, whatever the reason, and someone approaches you and wants to talk, take out both earbuds and focus on the conversation – do not leave one earbud in your ear and look half-committed or distracted. People will assume you’re anxious to escape back into your private world and that you resent the intrusion.
• Never leave your headphones or earbuds in your ears when you are placing an order in a bar, café or restaurant or interacting with a shop assistant. It is extremely disrespectful to people who are serving you, as it implies that they are not worthy of your full attention.
• Be sensitive about using headphones or earbuds in very quiet spaces, such as libraries. If you’re listening at loud volume some of the noise may leak out and will be audible to neighbours, who may find it distracting and irritating.
• It’s fine to use these devices on public transport, but if you are using them be extra vigilant about the people around you – somebody might be asking you to move a bag so they can sit down, or requesting help with an item of luggage, and if you can’t hear and you’re not picking up on visual clues, you could come across as rude or oafish.
• Many people opt to stay plugged in when they’re walking around town and negotiating heavy traffic. This is very dangerous; part of being a safe pedestrian is listening to traffic sounds around you, which alert you to take extra precautions at pedestrian crossings and junctions. There is also a tendency, if you become absorbed in your playlist or podcast, to switch off from the real world and enter a dreamlike, disassociated state. This plays havoc with your concentration and focus and might actually be a safety hazard.
While all these devices have obvious benefits and attractions, they should be used discriminately. There are many circumstances in which you will be tempted to switch off the cacophony of the real world and tune into your own soundtrack. But remember that, whenever you interact with fellow humans, you will need to be mindful and observant and that means listening as well as looking.
Once again, it’s school sports day season. All over the country parents will be unleashing their inner demons, screaming encouragement from the side-lines at their hapless children, or demonstrating their own overwhelming urge to compete and triumph whilst sanctimoniously informing their children, “it’s not all about winning, it’s about competing well” etc. Many children must be deeply confused by these mixed messages, and understandably embarrassed by their rogue parents’ behaviour.
On the face of it, school sports’ days are fleeting, frivolous affairs – victories and disasters are soon forgotten or become the subject of amusing anecdotes. But the behaviour that parents display on these occasions can also be highly indicative of an unfortunate tendency to be super-competitive. This drive to succeed can plague many a child’s school years, putting them under intense pressure and making their lives miserable. It can also turn parents into pushy monsters, ever intent on trumpeting their child’s triumphs, seeking out opportunities to boast about their achievements, not so subtly probing other parents at the school gate to establish precisely where their child sits in the pecking order.
While primary school students guilelessly strive for gold stars and approbation, by the time children reach secondary school they often feel they are on a relentless treadmill, striving for respectable grades at GCSE and A-level, scrabbling for university places. They are frequently egged on by ambitious parents, who are intensely focused on these external signs of achievement, and prone to overlook their children’s extra-curricular interests, social life, self-confidence and contentment.
Look out for these signs of competitive parents:
• Demonstrating a burning desire to win
When parents are called upon to compete at school sports days, and unleash their inner Usain Bolt, Ben Stokes or Marcus Rashford, take careful note. Their implacable desire to win at all costs demonstrates a disconcertingly naked competitive spirit and a steadfast refusal to participate in the good-humoured spirit of the event, with its ignominious sack races and rough and tumble tugs of war. Their tendency to be ruthlessly competitive, whatever the situation, is sending a daunting message to their unfortunate children.
• Screaming on the side-lines
Whether it’s the school sports day, or a football or hockey match, an extremely voluble parent on the side-lines who directs loud encouragement and abuse at their child, not the team, is giving the game away. This behaviour will embarrass the child, but it also demonstrates – with horrible clarity – the parent’s obsessive desire for their child to excel.
• Refusing to listen to your child
If you find that your child is blatantly uninterested in an activity, be it a sport or learning to play the piano, take note. All parents are used to occasionally cajoling and wheedling their child out of laziness and inertia, but if their child is persistently negative about a certain activity parents really should recognise that making them continue might be more about satisfying their own ambitions rather than the child’s lack of commitment.
• Feeling frustrated with teachers
Parents who perpetually feel that teachers or coaches are failing their children, or not pushing them hard enough to succeed, may well be guilty of over-competitiveness. Teachers are professionals who understand each child’s capabilities and limitations, and know how to pace their learning, based on objectivity and experience. Parents should stop haranguing them or trying to impose their own educational agenda on them and try listening carefully to what they have to say.
• Buttonholing other parents
One of the defining characteristics of a competitive parent is the tendency to interrogate other parents about their own children’s developmental milestones. Information gleaned is this way is then, unforgivably, used to boast about their children, or to make smug remarks about how they’re “advanced” or “academic”.
• Living vicariously
It is hard to understand precisely what makes parents hyper-competitive, but it is frequently the case that they are using their children to channel their own unattained dreams and ambitions. This refusal to recognise a child’s unique individuality will inevitably lead to frustration and unhappiness – allowing children to find and pursue their own passions and interests will ensure that they feel happy and fulfilled.
These signs of competitive parenting may seem obvious, but people who display this tendency all too often justify their behaviour with remarks like “I only want what is best for my child”. They fail to see the anxiety and frustration they cause and are so blinkered by their own aspirations and ambitions that they do not understand the stress they foist on children, teachers and other parents.
Take a long, hard look at yourself and scrutinise your own behaviour on school sports’ day. Accept that your hysterical ‘encouragement’ of your child might be the beginning of a slippery slope and try to rein in any of the tell-tale signs of pushy behaviour. We argue that sports day will teach our children to be magnanimous in victory and gracious in defeat. Perhaps we should reserve this advice for their parents?
