We’ve all become much more assertive about our needs and requirements. We think nothing of reeling out long orders at cafés that embrace oat milk, gluten free bread, vegan options. We boldly state that we are lactose intolerant, have peanut allergies are avoiding carbs. We have no compunction when staying in hotels about complaining when we find the feathers in the bedding allergenic or objecting to the non-availability of decaffeinated coffee and sugar substitute. An increasingly consumerist society, access to targeted specialist advice online, an ever-increasing focus on well-being, health conditions and dietary requirements, as well as an expanding availability of products that have been created to cater to every human taste and condition, have all conspired to make us uninhibited about own peculiar sets of desires and requirements. Sometimes we can turn into over-demanding bulldozers.
A few weeks ago, Debrett’s conducted an informal survey on social media, posing a simple question: When invited to somebody's home for tea, is it rude to take your preferred brand of tea bags with you? 86.5% said yes, 13.5% said no. We were delighted to hear that a very substantial majority agreed with us: it is a fundamental precept of good manners that the guest is flexible, non-demanding and never does anything that will make the host feel inadequate about their hospitality. However, we were surprised to see that quite a few people thought this was acceptable behaviour.
Whilst transactions in shops, cafés and hotels should always be conducted politely, you are undoubtedly the customer and you are entitled to make polite requests and, within reason, for your expectations to be met. You are paying for a service after all.
However, when you are invited to somebody’s home the whole transaction changes fundamentally. While it is delightful and gratifying to be plied with excellent foods, a range of tea and coffee or tempting drinks, you must remind yourself that it is not the primary reason for visiting your friend’s house. You are visiting as a guest because the hand of friendship has been extended to you. The purpose of your visit is to enjoy a social interaction, participate in a conversation, get to know a new person, cement a friendship. The catering is secondary.
We all welcome signs that a host has taken trouble before our visit – a tidy house, laid table or tea tray, and signs of preparation in the kitchen are all encouraging indicators that your host has made an effort. As a guest, it is your primary function to show your appreciation and, as far as possible, to take what you are given and be gracious about it. If you suffer from a severe allergy, it is acceptable to refuse a dangerous offering, but it would be more polite to warn your host beforehand, rather than springing your condition on them at the last moment.
If it is a case of your host supplying a brand of tea that you do not favour, or only having caffeinated coffee available, then the polite thing to do would be to accept what is offered courteously and drink it without any fuss. If you really don’t like the drink on offer, say something like “just a small cup for me, please” and do your best to sip it slowly and finish it. Being obliged to drink a cup of breakfast tea when you actually prefer a cup of Jade oolong or Hibiscus blossom tea is hardly a terrible sacrifice.
If you are having dinner at someone’s house and you don’t drink alcohol, don’t turn up brandishing a bottle of sparkling mineral water or elderflower cordial for your own consumption. At the very least, tap water is always available; most hosts will have already catered for non-drinkers and will find your offering somewhat reproachful.
If you’re on a special diet, the politest option is to do your best to negotiate the food on offer with the minimum of fuss and eat what you can. If you feel your requirements are more all-embracing (eg vegan) or complex (relating to severe allergies), then it would be best to warn your host when you accept the invitation. In rare circumstances when you feel that the only sensible thing to do is to bring special items of food for your own consumption, leave any untouched food at the end of the evening; do not take it home with you, unless specifically requested to do so by the host.
Ultimately, when you are invited to someone’s home, you must block out the ever-louder cacophony of demands and desires that relate to your personal comfort. Take a moment to consider why you have been invited and accept it as a compliment, which should never be diminished by an inability to behave courteously. Discard your inflexible list of requirements, fall into step with your host, and be grateful for their hospitality – that way you’ll be able to concentrate on human relationships, which are what really matter.
The Chelsea Flower Show has been a fixture in mid-May since 1913 and is a harbinger of horticultural delights over the next few months. As thousands of visitors pore over the innovative show gardens, revel in the floral abundance of the Great Pavilion, or treat themselves to a range of botanical treats from the exhibiting specialist nurseries, Chelsea is clearly an event that embodies and celebrates the British passion for gardens and gardening.
As late spring and summer unfold, millions of people will visit nurseries and garden centres, watch specialist television shows for guidance and inspiration and tend their own window-boxes, patios, terraces, allottments and gardens. Horticultural enthusiasts will enjoy participating in the Open Gardens scheme, which gives them a licence to snoop on other people’s gardens. At the grander end of the spectrum, they will enjoy summer visits to spectacular botanical display gardens, such as Kew or Wisley, and will be fascinated to explore the range of gardens expertly managed by organisations such as the National Trust and English Heritage.
Visitor numbers can be overwhelming at many of these sites and no doubt the gardeners responsible for their upkeep look on in trepidation when they see the hordes descending. We all visit gardens because we care about them, and are ravished by planting schemes, stunning designs, spectacular displays and exotic plants. It is therefore extremely important that we do our utmost to ensure that our visits leave a light footprint and do no damage to the precious sites that we are intent on preserving.
Follow our etiquette tips ensure that your appreciation does not come at a price:
• Always stick to paths and mowed areas (when permitted). Any deviation from these routes is potentially damaging and remember that areas of bare earth may be seeded and mulched and therefore should be treated with as much respect as flowerbeds.
• It is permissible to smell flowers and to touch them, extremely delicately and carefully. But under no circumstances should you pick them or take sneaky cuttings.
• You may fancy yourself as an accomplished gardener, but you should never take it upon yourself to do any spontaneous weeding or deadheading. The hosts will see your interference as a veiled criticism of their garden maintenance, and you may well be inflicting damage, rather than helping.
• Many beautiful gardens are enhanced by statues, plant containers and water features. Leave these well alone; do not perch on the edge of a fountain or lean against a statue. Never let your children splash around in water features – they’re ornamental, not recreational.
• Some gardens will have wild areas, with rocks and trees. However, even though it looks untended, this is a managed landscape, and the trees will have been lovingly tended, in some cases for many decades. Never allow children to climb trees, which can be extremely damaging.
• Many gardens do not allow dogs, or request that dogs are always kept on a lead, and this should be respected. Always clean up after dogs.
• Some gardens feature wildlife as well as plants. Whether you encounter koi carp, swans and ducks, peacocks or ponies, restrict yourself to admiring them from afar and never feeding them.
• Smoking or vaping in the gardens will certainly prevent other visitors from enjoying the delicate fragrances of the plants. Respect the natural environment and only smoke or vape in designated areas.
• Many gardens will provide areas for picnicking, but request that visitors do not picnic on the cultivated lawns or on path-side benches, so it is best if you avoid bringing food or beverages (apart from bottled water) when you are visiting gardens.
• If you’re listening to music on your mobile, ensure that you’re using headphones – gardens are valued for being peaceful and tranquil places, so ensure that you’re not a source of noise pollution.
• Follow good photography etiquette. Try and take photographs when nobody else is around so you’re not blocking access to the plants, and try to avoid loitering in front of a star attraction, endlessly fussing over selfie sticks, composition and poses. Never use a drone to photograph the garden.
• Never leave any litter behind you. Gardens are pristine natural environments and should be left as you found them. If you can’t find a bin, or if the receptacles are full, take your rubbish home with you.
• Remember that gardeners are passionate enthusiasts, so whatever garden you’re visiting, whether it’s on a domestic or grandiose scale, you can be sure that they will always respond positively to questions about plants and plant care. Above all, they will revel in your appreciation, so always remember to compliment them.
Flowers have been associated with weddings since Classical times. Their symbolism of new beginnings, fertility and optimism, played a major role in the weddings of Ancient Rome, when brides carried or wore flower garlands. In the Middle Ages, strong-smelling herbs such as dill were used to create sweet fragrances and were thought to ward off contagion and evil spirits. The Victorian era was much preoccupied with the language of flowers, and the belief that messages could be transmitted through the choice of a bloom and acknowledgement of what it denoted. As a result, flowers were much valued during courtship, and the choice of flowers for the bridal bouquet was symbolical as well as aesthetic.
Royal brides have carried an array of beautiful bouquets to their weddings, often featuring myrtle, roses, orchids, stephanotis, gardenia and lily of the valley. The emphasis, from Queen Victoria onwards, has been on white flowers – Victoria, who was married in the February, had snowdrops, Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon, the Queen Mother, carried a bouquet of lily of the valley, Queen Elizabeth II carried a bouquet of home-grown white orchids. Every royal bride since Queen Victoria has included myrtle in her bouquet; myrtle is thought to symbolise love, fertility and innocence, and was used in Greek and Roman wedding rituals.
When Lady Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon, the Queen Mother, was married in 1923 she spontaneously laid her bouquet of white roses on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier on her way into Westminster Abbey. She was perhaps remembering her own brother, Fergus, who was a casualty of the Great War, and this was the start of a royal tradition that persisted throughout the 20th century.
The bouquet completes the bride’s look and should be chosen to complement the wedding dress. As a rule, the more intricate the dress, the simpler the flowers should be, and vice versa. The shape of the bouquet should reflect the style of the dress, as well as complementing the line of the dress. It should be in proportion to the bride’s height and weight. A sleek fitted dress suits a tapering style of bouquet; a larger skirt suits a rounder shape. Tall brides should choose longer bouquets, whereas petite brides may opt for smaller versions. The bouquet should be held at hip-height. Many brides make the mistake of holding it too high, which spoils the line of the dress.
The colour of the bouquet should fit in with the wedding scheme and should coordinate with the bridesmaids’ dresses and the flowers at the ceremony and the reception. The flowers the bride chooses for the bouquet must fit with the general style and setting of the wedding. For example, peonies and English roses can suit the cottage-garden style of the country, whereas lilies, orchids and sculptural tropical stems are more appropriate for a chic and sophisticated city wedding.
It is best to keep flowers simple; some of the most stunning bouquets consist of only one or two types of bloom. Those that include many different types can look messy and lose impact.
The bride may wish to hold just one stem, have a bouquet of only one type of flower, or choose a combination of several types of bloom. Discuss ideas with the florist. Write down any thoughts in advance and take along a swatch of the dress fabric and any magazine cuttings that have inspired and caught the bride’s eye.
She must make sure she likes the scent of the flowers and steer clear of anything too pollen heavy. Bouquets can be made up of flowers alone but will often include a little greenery. A matching single stem can then be used to make buttonholes for the groom, best man, ushers, and fathers.
Ensure that a proper grip can be obtained and that it is comfortable to hold and not too heavy. Most florists wrap the holding place with satin ribbon, but grosgrain is a good alternative, as it is less slippery.
Timing is important; most florists need to be booked at least six months in advance for summer weddings. The budget should be discussed early on so that the florist is sure that they are recommending flowers within the right price range.
The choice of flowers is entirely personal. The florist will need to consider the rate at which they wilt, the time of year and the chosen theme for the day.
Virtually every flower imaginable can be obtained at any time of year from abroad, so the bride is free to choose whatever she wants. It is recommended, however, that seasonal flowers are chosen as they will be fresher and less expensive.
• Spring
Narcissi, Tulips, Muscari, Cherry Blossom, Lily of the Valley, Cymbidium Orchid, Honeysuckle.
• Summer
Peonies, Hydrangea, Garden Rose, Gardenia, Freesia, Iris, Sweet Pea, Lavender, Cornflower.
• Autumn
Alstromeria, Dahlia, Phalaenopsis Orchid, Antique Rose, Lisianthus, Michaelmas Daisy.
• Winter
Amaryllis, Snowdrop, English Arium, Velvet Rose, Mistletoe, Snowberry, Winter Jasmine.
Many ceremony venues will have restrictions on confetti. Metallic confetti is usually totally banned, and many venues dislike paper as it looks so unsightly afterwards. The dye can also seep into bridal fabrics and skin if it gets wet.
A good alternative is to use real flower petals. There are specialist companies offering petals from all sorts of flowers in different colours. Baby bridesmaids can hand these out in a basket, or small cones of petals can be distributed to guests.
The tradition of tossing the bouquet into the crowed evolved in England as a means of safeguarding the bride from rowdy guests. The bride was thought to embody good luck, and female guests tried to tear off pieces of her dress or bouquet as a good luck charm – tossing the bouquet over her shoulder was an effective way of heading off the crowds. It was believed that the single woman who catches it has received some of the bride’s good fortune and will be the next to marry.
If the bride wants to hold on to her bouquet as a keepsake, she can have a spare bouquet made specially to throw, or by removing a few stems to dry. Alternatively, the catcher may be willing to give it back.
The bouquet can be preserved after the wedding by hanging it upside down in a dark place. There are also specialist companies who professionally preserve the bouquet by freeze-drying.
We all know a know-all – someone who believes that they possess a superior intellect and wealth of knowledge and is determined to demonstrate that superiority at every opportunity. We all love trivia, useless knowledge and the occasional weird feats of memory, but most of us realise it is not clever to trumpet such empty expertise.
An overpowering urge to correct other people and to display superior knowledge is an unattractive tendency that will impair your ability to connect with people socially. Know-all behaviour is a form of showing off, a way of remorselessly displaying your pearls of wisdom to the assembled company. This impulse to dominate intellectually inevitably leads to a tendency to dismiss other people’s opinions, to sweep objections to one side, to tell other people how to do their job.
Know-all behaviour is likely to cause irritation or aversion; tentative statements, self-deprecation and a sense of humility are all ways in which we charm and flatter our companions and are a much more effective way of making friends than battering them with our sense of certitude and rectitude.
There are several characteristics that define know-alls. They tend to be argumentative and contentious, closed to other points of view and remorselessly unforgiving if any gaps or flaws in their knowledge are revealed. Attempts to disagree with them are often met with condescension. Their overriding priority is to impress and dominate; whatever subject comes up, they will seamlessly project themselves as an expert, often with little justification. They are strangers to self-doubt.
If you fear you might have tendencies in this direction, think about the following:
• Remind yourself that you’re not always right
Nobody knows everything. In fact, many experts confirm that the more we know about any given subject the less confident we feel about it, so brazen over-confidence is a clear indicator that we still have a lot to learn.
• Restrain your impulse to correct others
We all know that people who are constantly doling out corrections are intensely annoying and frustrating. It is strange that they are prioritising being right over making meaningful connections. Try asking yourself why you feel compelled to correct others and acknowledge that the self-satisfaction that comes from being right comes at a very heavy price.
• Take your time
Know-alls tend to be impulsive interrupters, who cannot stand to let a statement they perceive to be wrong go unchallenged. Practise the art of listening silently, and letting other people finish their train of thought. Once they have had their say, you can offer a considered opinion, and they may well be much more respectful of what you say if you appear to be calm and reasonable.
• Use qualifiers
Definitive statements can feel like body blows when you’re haranguing someone on your favourite subject or having an argument. But qualifications such as “I believe” or “I’ve heard” of “I’ve read somewhere” have an instant mitigating effect, making your assertions sound much more reasonable. Don’t litter your conversation with phrases like “I think you’ll find that” or “Actually” or “As a matter of fact”, which will simply serve to reinforce your overbearing demeanour.
• Ask questions
If you are overcome by an urge to tell people that they are wrong, or mistaken, at least try to phrase your challenge in a more socially acceptable way. Asking questions rather than handing out repressive corrections is the best way to approach this situation. Try using phrases like “Have you thought about…?”, “What about…?”, “Why do you think that?”.
• Embrace errors and inconsistency
Accept the fact that you don’t have to always be right and neither do other people. When you hear people saying something that you know to be incorrect, take a little time to monitor your response. A truly egregious error, which might lead to confusion or even more dire consequences, should be gently corrected. But quite often people mis-remember or exaggerate or embroider their anecdotes; there is nothing more annoying than a know-all who keeps interjecting with amendments, which undermine the person talking and have no real relevance to the subject in hand.
• Read the room
Some know-alls arm themselves with a shield of knowledge under the mistaken belief that it will stand them in good stead when they’re called upon to socialise or meet other people. They are fundamentally under-confident and self-conscious and think that an impressive array of knowledge will disguise their shortcomings. But in many circumstances people you meet will not want to be regaled with your mini-lectures and painstaking explanations, so you need to learn to assess the social atmosphere and listen to the tone of the conversation. People who are enjoying banter, teasing and trivial chit-chat, are not likely to be won over by someone who is intent on lecturing them. As a general default, in most social situations it always better to ask people questions and listen carefully to their responses, rather than tell them about yourself and your preoccupations.
• Admit you’re wrong
Everyone is wrong sometimes and being able to hold up your hands and admit your errors, preferably with a little humour, is a very useful social skill. Your instinct is probably to defend yourself when challenged, but this could lead to you digging an ever-deeper hole for yourself. Pause, consider the challenge and – if it is correct – try to immediately acknowledge it (no ifs, buts, circumlocutions). Practise saying “you’re quite right”, “I should have phrased that differently”, “I think I might have got that wrong”, and do your best to speak these phrases with humour and modesty. People will instantly warm to you and find you less over-bearing.
In our working lives we are likely to encounter a range of meetings – from small informal get-togethers in the department, to video meetings, to large conferences or board meetings. However, the rules governing the way meetings are run and how you should behave during them do not vary greatly. All meetings should be efficient. Everyone should come away from any meeting feeling that it has been worthwhile.
At the formal end of the spectrum meetings are characterised by certain practices and expectations, which may be overlooked or dispensed with in less formal settings. If you familiarise yourself with formal meeting etiquette you won’t be overwhelmed by the proceedings and will be able to make a useful contribution.
• Be punctual. Ensure that you, as chairperson, get the meeting underway at the correct time. Sometimes it’s permissible to wait for any important late attendees, apologising to those present for the delay and explaining why this is necessary.
• Make introductions. It may then be appropriate to introduce those present, or to ask each person to introduce himself or herself. The more formal the meeting, the more the responsibility for introductions lies with the chairperson.
• Maintain meeting momentum. The main duty of a chairperson is to ensure that the meeting proceeds at an efficient rate, that everyone is given the opportunity to voice their views, that nobody hijacks the meeting for their own purposes, and that slanging matches are avoided.
• Preserve impartiality. As chairperson you may put your own views before the meeting, but this is best done after everyone else has done so. It should never appear that you are setting out to predetermine the way the discussion takes place and the results of that discussion.
• Keep focused. Once discussion is underway, you will have to check that it doesn’t wander from the point, that people are not simply making the same point repeatedly, that everybody is having the opportunity to put their point of view. You must do all this without appearing to favour one side over the other.
• Stick to the agenda. Most people like to see the meeting moving towards its close as swiftly as possible. However, there is always the risk that your meeting will be attended by someone who likes the sound of their own voice and enjoys raising ‘points of order’. You will need to identify this person and be firmly repressive.
• Close proceedings. Once the agenda has been discussed, the chairperson should bring the meeting to an end, thanking all present and, if necessary, fixing the time and place of the next meeting.
• Prepare ahead. The agenda and any supporting documents will normally have been circulated in advance, and it is a working assumption that all attendees will have read and understood these papers.
• Arrive early. Try and arrive 15 minutes before the meeting is due to start. You can exchange greetings with colleagues, have a coffee, get settled in and arrange your papers before the meeting commences.
• Switch off. All mobiles, laptops etc should be switched off and stowed away. Switching your phone to silent and putting it on the table in front of you is an unacceptable compromise. You need to make it clear that you are not contactable during the meeting.
• Observe the social niceties. At the beginning of the meeting handshakes, polite greetings and some civilised small talk are absolutely essential. Even if you’re anticipating impassioned debate and disagreement, you must always stay courteous.
• Respect the chair. Only one person can run the meeting effectively, so you must always accede to his/her directions.
• Listen carefully. Don’t half-listen while you plan your next interjection and give your colleagues space in which to speak and be heard. If you want to speak, wait your turn and put up your hand to attract the chair’s attention. If you interrupt someone while they’re speaking, they may lose their focus and time will be wasted.
• Watch your body language. Sit up straight, engage in eye contact with colleagues, look at the person who is speaking. Don’t fidget, doodle or turn away from the table. It will make everyone around you feel uneasy.
• Be aware of your audience. When it’s your turn to speak, keep concise and focused – the meeting should be orientated to decision-making and should adhere to a schedule. Don’t try and impress fellow attendees with your extraordinary grasp of minute detail – they will be much more interested in your ability to summarise a position succinctly and clearly.
• Accept disagreement. There will be many arguments before consensus is reached, and you may find that your ideas are challenged or even ridiculed. Approach these disputes robustly, and don’t allow yourself to become over-sensitive. If tempers are running high and voices are raised, it’s wise to apologise immediately and explain that it is not your intention to cause offence.
• Be concise and action focused. Minutes should be circulated within 36 hours of the meeting (for very formal meetings, a separate minute-taker should be present who is not a participant in the meeting). Take your assigned actions seriously and conclude them in a timely fashion.
It is reasonable to presume, when you are out in the world and socialising, that you will show your best face to the world. Especially if you are enjoying hospitality, the expectation is that you will be positive, amenable and enthusiastic. It is a social obligation to behave well and to do your utmost to be polite and engaging at all times.
However, this expectation may be undermined when we feel aggrieved, overlooked, or patronised. People who have, for whatever reason, taken umbrage often resort to passive aggression – conveying their negative feelings by disengaging, radiating discontent and signalling their unwillingness to be convivial. People who behave in this way can completely change the social dynamic, transforming a happy occasion into something much more troubling and highly charged.
This form of manipulative behaviour will be familiar to all of us from childhood, when it is frequently deployed in a comically histrionic way, and it is disturbing how persistent and subtly effective it can be amongst some adults. Passive aggression is much displayed in familial and romantic relationships, and can set up disastrous patterns of behaviour, where the sulker enjoys the upper hand, wielding his/her discontent to the consternation of concerned loved ones and creating a poisonous atmosphere.
When it comes to social relationships, this tendency is also much in evidence. Small slights and setbacks – an overlooked acquaintanceship, a sub-standard meal, a remark that is taken the wrong way – can upset the social equilibrium, and a person who is determined to revel in feelings of being hard done by and sulks can blight social occasions for everyone.
At times like this, it is vital to remember that it is not always about you – your feelings, wishes, or disappointments. When you accept an invitation to a social event, you are entering into a social contract. The assumption is that you will discard egotism, put your best foot forward and make a meaningful contribution. If you are unwell, overtired, stressed or in any way debilitated, then it would be sensible to politely refuse the invitation, on the grounds that you cannot guarantee that your presence will enhance proceedings.
If you are going to a restaurant as somebody’s guest, or for a special celebration such as a birthday dinner, you will need to adjust your behaviour to the occasion. It is not appropriate to make a fuss about the menu, the service or the quality of the meal. While you are quite entitled to complain about these things when you are the person who is picking up the bill in everyday circumstances, if you are going to a restaurant to treat somebody else you must ensure that your behaviour does not impact negatively on them.
You may find the menu choice inadequate, the service poor, the food mediocre. But you must do your best to appear to be enjoying what you are served. Don’t upstage your companion by a display of ‘power ordering’ (making special off-menu demands) and if the food is inedible, take a couple of bites and then put it to one side saying you’re not particularly hungry. Under no circumstances should you complain, sulk, or become grumpy. In this situation it is advisable to park your gastronomic priorities and concentrate on fully engaging in the social event – that means being positive and upbeat and focusing your attention on your dining companion. Even if you are picking up the bill on a special occasion, for example your guest’s birthday, remember that complaining vociferously may well tarnish the experience for your guest, making them feel responsible for your dissatisfaction. If the meal is so disastrous that even the person who is being treated finds it intolerable, then you can complain without inhibition, but you must always wait, observe your companion’s reactions to the food, and amend your behaviour accordingly.
Good manners are about focusing on other people, and doing your best to ensure that your own behaviour does not have a negative effect on them. Many social occasions are about celebrating big events in other people’s lives, or recognising their achievements and you must remind yourself that, on these occasions, you are merely a member of the supportive chorus not the person with the starring role.
While it is becoming increasingly common for a man to take his spouse's surname upon marriage, or for couples to combine surnames, in this article we'll be looking at the forms of address for a divorced woman who has taken her husband's surname.
If you’re a newly divorced woman, and sensitive about how you’re addressed, you must be prepared to send out a notification to friends, family, businesses. Inevitably, there will be mistakes, so it’s best if you can resign yourself to this and accept faux-pas with good grace.
By convention a divorcee would adopt the style of, for example, Mrs Caroline Edwards (ie retaining her title of ‘Mrs’ and her married surname ‘Edwards’, but using her own forename, ie no longer ‘Mrs John Edwards’). The use of her own forename, rather than her husband’s, denoted that she was divorced. While this rule may still be followed by some older women, most married women choose from a range of naming options and may well decide to use their own forename with their married surname. The relaxation of the traditional rules means that how a woman is named and titled is no longer a reliable way of determining whether she is married or divorced, but society is much more relaxed about social and marital status, and it is no longer considered vital to communicate it on first meeting.
In addition, many women, especially those who combine a working life with a married life, choose not to use their husband’s surname at all. If a woman has retained her maiden name throughout the marriage her only decision, on becoming divorced, is whether she prefers to be Mrs, Miss or Ms Janie Jones, for example, or just Janie Jones with no title.
Women who have assumed their husband’s surname and are divorcing may prefer to revert to their maiden name. This happens most often where there are no children from the marriage.
If there are children, however, some women may choose to retain their married surnames, and continue to use ‘Mrs’, just in order to maintain the status quo and to avoid a situation where the mother is using a different surname to that of her children.
Play it Safe
If people do not know how you want to be addressed, they may well opt for the conventional option – ‘Mrs Caroline Edwards’ (ie they will use your forename and the married surname). Don’t be offended if this does not reflect your chosen form of address – simply write a polite note saying that from now on you’re using the following…. Eg ‘Ms Caroline Talbot’.
Women with Titles
When a peeress (ie a duchess, marchioness, countess, viscountess or baroness) obtains a divorce, the general rule is that she places her forename before her title, for example, Mary, Duchess of Hampshire. This is purely a practical measure to avoid confusion should the peer in question marry again.
In the event of a divorced peer remaining unmarried there is no reason why his former wife should not continue to use her title without the qualification of her forename.
If the former wife of a peer remarries someone without a title, she may no longer use her title. For example, if Tessa, Viscountess Tilney, marries Mr George Robinson she becomes Mrs George Robinson or Mrs Tessa Robinson.
Wording Invitations
Everyone wants to get formal invitations right, especially wedding invitations. The vicissitudes of family life – divorces, remarriages, step-parents – can all be accommodated on formal invitations if you follow the wording set out below:
If the bride’s mother is the hostess:
Mrs John Robinson*
requests the pleasure of
your company at the marriage
of her daughter
Caroline
to….
at …
on …
*This is the traditional form of address; many wives will choose to use their forename (Mrs Charlotte Robinson), and that is quite acceptable.
If the bride’s father is the host:
Mr John Robinson
requests the pleasure of
your company at the marriage
of his daughter
Caroline
If the bride’s mother and stepfather are the joint host/hostess:
Mr and Mrs Edgar Forsythe*
request the pleasure of
your company at the marriage
of her daughter
Caroline Robinson
*This is the traditional form of address; if the wife chooses to use her own forename it would read, for example, Mr Edgar and Mrs Emily Forsythe
If the bride’s father and her stepmother are the joint host/hostess:
Mr and Mrs John Robinson*
request the pleasure of
your company at the marriage
of his daughter
Caroline
*This is the traditional form of address; if the stepmother chooses to use her own forename it would read, for example, Mr John and Mrs Charlotte Robinson.
Where the bride’s stepmother is the hostess:
Mrs John Robinson*
requests the pleasure of
your company at the marriage
of her stepdaughter
Caroline
•The bride’s stepmother may choose to use her own forename, eg Mrs Charlotte Robinson.
If the bride’s parents are divorced, but are co-hosting the wedding:
Mr John Robinson and Mrs Edgar Forsythe*
request the pleasure of
your company at the marriage
of their daughter
Caroline
* ‘Mrs Charlotte Robinson’ if she has not remarried and has kept her married name
*‘Mrs Emily Forsythe’ if she has remarried but chooses to use her own forename
*‘Ms Emily Wilson’ if she has opted to use her maiden name, whether she has remarried or not.
It was traditional for the man to ask his future father-in-law’s permission for his daughter’s hand in marriage. This convention is no longer strictly observed.
The convention of asking a father for his daughter’s hand in marriage dates to a period when parents played a role in choosing and approving their future son-in-law, perhaps introducing him to their daughter, facilitating the courtship and ensuring that he was a suitable candidate. Daughters did not enjoy the same social freedoms as sons, and parents were protective of them.
Society has changed since then. Gender equality and financial and social independence mean that parents no longer control their children’s relationships, and couples increasingly see decisions to move in together, become engaged, marry, or form civil partnerships as their own free choice. While most couples will naturally seek their parents’ endorsement and approval, they no longer require their permission to be together. Some men still choose to follow the formality of asking their future father-in-law for his daughter’s hand in marriage before proposing; the choice to do so is a matter of personal taste and is also based on their understanding of their future in-laws’ expectations. Some couples may choose to seek permission, as a mere formality, after they become engaged. But it is now a matter of choice, not a convention.
Our Victorian ancestors adopted a very different approach. A look at the pages of How to Behave: A Pocket Manual of Etiquette and Guide to Correct Personal Habits, by Samuel Wells (1865) gives us an insight into the proposal question:
“We shall make no attempt to prescribe a form for “popping the question”. Each must do it in his own way; but let it be clearly understood and admit no evasion…The lady’s answer should be frank and unequivocal, revealing briefly and modestly her real feelings and consequent decision.
Asking the consent of parents or guardians is always a graceful thing, and ought on no account to be omitted. But what if the consent be refuse? In such a case, submission for a time ought to be manifested. It will commonly be found that all obstacles may be overcome by manly openness and candour, while a little patient waiting will test the stability of the lovers, and in the end only knit them more closely together.”
As this passage makes clear, fathers clearly had the right to refuse permission, and it is advised that the couple should submit to this decision, in the hope that, by demonstrating their commitment and ‘stability’, they will eventually persuade the father that the marriage should go ahead.
A proposal of marriage is an occasion that will be recalled time and time again, so thought and planning are required to make it memorable. The manner in which a proposal is made is dependent upon the couple; the most important thing is that it is suited to the personality and style of the bride-to-be. If the prospective bride has already indicated a preferred style of proposal (eg private, not in front of family) then her suitor must not be swayed by pressure from others to ignore her wishes. It is worth remembering that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to ask for someone’s hand in marriage.
Most suitors choose to ask the question quietly – getting down on one knee may well be appreciated. Some may choose a public proposal. It is important that the proposal is not made on an occasion when it upstages another important event such as the prospective bride’s graduation or a family wedding.
Proposing is no longer solely the role of the man; it is perfectly acceptable for women to propose marriage (and not just on a leap year). Same-sex couples may choose to draw on traditional practices to create their own ritual.
Conventionally, a man proposes with an engagement ring, but many do so without one so that the couple can choose the ring together. If there is no ring for the proposal, the bride-to-be can be given a token to mark the occasion, for example a bracelet or necklace. A ring should be on her finger within a reasonable time – weeks, not months – of her accepting the proposal.
The length of an engagement varies greatly but, on average, will usually last between six and twelve months. An engagement is the time between accepting a proposal and the marriage, rather than just a separate stage or status of the relationship. Less than six months would not allow enough time to organise a wedding comfortably, but anything over twelve months may feel too long. The length of time generally depends on the work commitments of the couple, the scale and size of the wedding, the availability of the wedding venue and the season in which the couple wish to be married.
A couple that is engaged should be regarded, socially, as good as married. They should be invited jointly to parties, weddings and gatherings, even if both are not known to the host. Unlike married couples, engaged couples were conventionally seated next to one another at dinner; this tradition is now quite relaxed.
The parents of both the bride and bridegroom should always be the first to hear of an engagement. News should be conveyed in person wherever possible or, at the very least, by telephone. The bridegroom may already have told his own parents of the bride’s parent about his intentions, so the announcement may not come as a huge surprise.
Telephone calls to the rest of the family, godparents and close friends will follow; a round-robin email or text announcing the news is fine for everyone else. Following that, social media and the grapevine can be relied upon to spread the word, or you may choose more targeted methods.
If opting to spread the news by social media, it is eye-catching and effective to post an engagement photo. If you’re going to have a wedding hashtag (useful for updates, instructions and uploading photographs), don’t use it in the announcement or you may find yourself spammed by planners, caterers and suppliers.
Some couples may still wish to go down the traditional route of placing formal announcements in the newspaper, most usually The Times, Daily Telegraph and, if appropriate, a local newspaper.
It is customary for the announcement to include the names of the betrothed, their parentage and the geographical location of their family home.
In these straitened times weddings can be emotive subjects for key participants and personal preferences may be more strongly felt than usual. There is a huge weight of expectation when it comes to the ‘big day’ and if you are feeling pressurised, money can be a tense subject. This doesn’t have to be the case, so long as discussions happen at an early date and in an open fashion. Respect, clarity, flexibility and being prepared to listen are all vital during these discussions. If you come to the table with an ideé fixe, and no willingness to compromise, you will almost certainly be heading for difficulties.
Everyone involved needs to be frank and realistic about money from the outset. It may burst the bubble of excitement, but an early decision on the budget, which will involve setting and agreeing the upper limits, will smooth the planning stages. Once the budget is set, negotiations can start.
A first step may be for the couple to have a discussion with their parents. Traditionally, the bride’s father bears the cost, but this is by no means expected today; parents on both sides may be keen to help. If the in-laws do not contribute towards the wedding, they may wish to host a pre- or post-wedding dinner or lunch.
Alternatively, the couple may wish to pay for the entire day themselves. As couples nowadays often marry later in life, and both men and women enjoy financial independence, the old norms aren’t always applicable.
Whatever the financial situation, just because someone is contributing towards the wedding does not mean that they control it. This is tricky ground – open discussion before accepting generous parental donations may save a lot of trouble further down the line. All too often, people who are paying for a lavish celebration feel that their generosity entitles them to be involved in every stage of decision-making. At the very worst, they may begin to treat the wedding as their own party, insisting on inviting their own friends, to the detriment of the couple who are marrying. All these difficulties need to be confronted at the outset, even if it means having a very explicit conversation about what accepting a generous subsidy entails.
Most couples who are planning a wedding change their mind several times as to exactly what they want and how much they are willing to allocate to any given aspect, so a concrete budget right at the beginning is unrealistic. Everyone involved in planning the wedding will have different ideas about spending priorities, so it helps to consult as few people as possible, set a budget and work towards it.
There are two key mantras to bear in mind: prioritise and compromise. Think about what is essential, what is unnecessary, and the areas where costs can be cut. Be assured that however much the budget is, it will never be enough, so even those with large amounts of money to spend will be restricted. Costs should never be underestimated.
It is a good idea to identify the most important elements of the day at the outset – for example, the reception venue, the dress, and the quality of the wine. Ensuring there is an ample supply of wine and investing in great entertainment might be considered far more crucial than blowing thousands of pounds on flowers to decorate the venue. While you may well want everything to look perfect, remember that a wedding reception is primarily a large party, and prioritise expenditure on ensuring that all your guests have an enjoyable and memorable day.
Elaborate food will make a dent in even the most generous budgets, but as a bad dinner will be something that guests remember, the answer may be to choose quality over quantity. A delicious simple main course and pudding will be much more enjoyable than a mediocre five-course lunch.
First agree on the provisional costs for every element of the day, then shop around and record the estimated amount to be allocated to each feature of the wedding. As costs are finalised, a record should be kept of the total sum plus any deposit paid. Now it is simply a matter of balancing the books. When a saving is made against your provisional estimate, the amount saved can be allocated to a different area, and likewise wherever the budget is exceeded, a saving must be made in another area, or extra cash found. Assess your essential expenditure before you can indulge in more luxurious additions; it is always a good idea to identify elements of the day that can be discarded without too much regret if costs are becoming too burdensome.
Most suppliers of services will provide the customer with an estimate for their services. It is important to be aware of the difference between an estimate (just that) and a quotation (the real amount to be paid, which is set in stone). The final budget should, of course, be prepared only after acquiring quotations, rather than relying on estimates that may no longer reflect the extent of the service being provided.
A large event such as a wedding requires careful organisation; chaotic paperwork will only add to pre-wedding stress. All correspondence, quotations and receipts should be kept, and a note made of deposits paid, when balances are due, and sums outstanding. Be aware that most suppliers’ quotes exclude VAT, so allow for the extra percentage to be added on.
Any goods or services associated with the word ‘wedding’ will automatically be marked up in price. Ways of achieving the same result without falling into this trap – perhaps using friends, acquaintances, or personal recommendations – should be investigated. Areas where it might be possible to bypass the big wedding suppliers include the cake, bridesmaids’ dresses and flowers.
Tips are not usually made to companies or individuals that supply services at ‘wedding rates’. Friends or acquaintances who give special rates – for example a florist who supplies flowers at cost and does the arranging for free – may be better rewarded with a thoughtful present rather than the host insisting on paying market rates.
Equally, friends who go beyond the call of duty for the wedding day deserve a thank-you present. Costs add up, so these extra add-ons must not be forgotten.
You can never be too careful. Weddings involve a substantial outlay, and insurance is one of the first priorities when planning the wedding. It should be put in place as soon as the budget is established and before the couple begin to book suppliers, as it covers against such issues as cancellations, failure of suppliers, accidents, problems with the wedding transport and loss of rings.
Wedding insurance can be purchased from banks and high street stores as well as specialist insurance companies, so it is wise to research all options and the cover they offer.
There are various levels of wedding insurance, but the following will usually be covered:
• Accidental injury to any person.
• Cancellation of the wedding or reception.
• Loss of, or damage to, the wedding attire for the main wedding party
• Loss of, or damage to, the wedding rings, cake, flowers or presents.
• Failure of any supplier.
• Failure of prints and videos.
• Failure of wedding cars and transport.
• Legal expenses.
The insurance policy will not cover cancellation costs if either the bride or groom decides not to go through with the wedding.
Spring has finally arrived; the weather is more clement, and the countryside beckons. For many of us this time of year is an opportunity to revel in the beauty of the natural world; it is also a good time to remind ourselves of how we can enjoy being out and about without leaving a negative impact. When you’re visiting the countryside, consideration and respect should always govern behaviour. It is simply a matter of being keenly aware of your surroundings, noting the impact that any of your actions may have, and regulating your behaviour to ensure that nothing you do interferes with other people’s well-being or enjoyment.
The Countryside Code was first launched in 1951, in anticipation of an increase in visitors to the countryside following the creation of national parks in 1949. It was hailed by a member of the House of Lords as “the best fourpenny worth of common sense” he had ever read and rapidly became the accepted tool for managing the behaviour of visitors to the country.
The Code, which had been evolving since the 1930s, emerged from a mass movement that demanded greater access to the countryside. The ‘right to roam’ had been claimed through a series of campaigns in the 1930s, most notably the mass trespass of Kinder Scout in Derbyshire in 1932. The Code was seen as a way of mediating between the different parties involved in the countryside debate, by both educating visitors and placating landowners.
The key messages contained in the original 1951 code are instantly recognisable. Many related to safeguarding the environment – protecting against the risk of fire, safeguarding water supply and avoiding damage to fences, hedges and walls, as well as protecting wild plants, wildlife and trees. Other recommendations concern visitor behaviour: fastening gates, keeping to paths, keeping dogs under control and leaving no litter. Finally, there are two more generalised pleas: to ‘go carefully’ on country roads and to respect the life of the countryside.
Since then, the Countryside Code has been revised several times, in 1981, 2004, 2020, and 2021. Three general exhortations have been adopted to regulate the question of visitor behaviour:
Respect
• Be considerate to everyone living, working in and enjoying the countryside.
• Leave gates and property as you find them.
• Do not block access to gateways or driveways when parking.
• Follow local signs and marked paths.
• Be nice, say hello, share the space.
Protect
• Take your litter home, leave no trace.
• Do not light fires, and only have BBQs when signs indicate it is acceptable.
• Keep dogs under control and in sight and bag and bin dog mess.
• Care for nature – do not cause damage or disturbance.
Enjoy
• Check your route and local conditions.
• Plan ahead and understand what is permissible.
• Enjoy your visit, have fun, make a memory.
• New Technology
New and improved technology has offered new pastimes, from mountain biking and off-roading to hang gliding, paragliding and drone-flying. All these activities are likely to have an impact on people who live and work in the countryside, or visitors who are indulging in the simpler pleasures of rambling and picnicking. They should therefore be undertaken with the utmost discretion, in places where they are permitted only. Due consideration should be shown to other visitors, and politeness, rather than an air of entitlement, will go a long way – thanking walkers for standing aside as you pass on your mountain bike is clearly preferable to peremptorily shouting a warning as you hurtle past.
• Drones
In 2020 new guidance was put in place for drone flying (though not for smaller models, which are classed as toys), and the Drone and Model Aircraft Code, first published in 2019 regulates demands that drone and model aircraft-flyers have a flyer and operator ID, fly responsibly, follow 120m (400ft) legal height limits, always keep a safe distance from other people, and show consideration by keeping away from residential and recreational areas (eg beaches and parks).
• Phones
In general, the countryside is valued for its tranquillity, and people relish the chance to get away from the hurly-burly of towns and cities and enjoy peace and quiet. Mobile phones are an indispensable part of our lives, and have many uses in the countryside, not least mobile mapping apps, weather forecasts, or sites that will give up-to-date information about access or livestock. However, you should use your phone considerately – this means not having loud, shouted conversations on windswept hilltops when other visitors are trying to drink in the view, or elbowing fellow-walkers out of the way so you can take the perfect selfie.
• Dogs
Dog ownership is at an all-time high. If dogs have not been properly trained, they can be a real liability in the countryside, especially if they tend to race out of sight and enter fields full of livestock as soon as they are let off the lead. Livestock-worrying, when dogs attack or chase livestock, is a real concern for many landowners and may well be reported to the police. Only let your dogs off the lead if they are well trained and biddable, and never do so near fields containing livestock.
Bagging and binning dog mess is the only considerate way to behave, especially at a time when litter and fly-tipping are blighting our countryside. Dumping plastic bags in hedgerows when no bins are immediately available is simply not acceptable.
• Driving
The 1951 Code advised visitors to ‘go carefully’ on the roads, and in 2023 this is more relevant than ever. Narrow country lanes are carrying unprecedented volumes of traffic, many people are driving large, unwieldy 4x4s, and the range of road users encompasses everything from horse-riders and tractors to cycling clubs and electric scooters.
The key to considerate driving in the countryside is patience. When roads are narrow and visibility is poor, you will find any number of hazards – from livestock and slow-moving agricultural machinery to groups of hikers – to slow you down. Accept that rural driving is slow, and resist the temptation to flash your headlights or swing out from behind. Always acknowledge other motorists who have pulled over to let you pass with a smile and a wave.
Be very cautious around horses. If you see a horse and rider ahead, slow down to a crawl and creep behind. When it is completely safe to overtake, pull out, giving the horse a wide berth, and drive very slowly. Finally, keep an eye open for pedestrians, who are often forced to walk in the road in country lanes. Slow down if you see a pedestrian ahead, and overtake gently. Be aware of mud and puddles and avoid splashing pedestrians. Aggressively racing past with just a hair breadth’s clearance is the height of bad manners and dangerous.
• Common Courtesy
It is generally acknowledged that life moves at a slower pace in the countryside, so there is more time for pleasantries and for passing the time of day.
When you are out walking, greet others even if you do not know them, with a cheerful “hello”, “good morning” or “good afternoon”. It is quite acceptable to make a friendly remark about the weather, the beautiful view, the toughness of the climb, the muddiness of the paths etc. You may even pause for a brief chat and glean some useful information.
People who live and work in the country, especially near beauty spots, may feel from time to time that they are being inundated with visitors. If visitors are friendly and appreciative they will feel much less intrusive.
• Appreciation
We may feel that we scarcely need the Government to instruct visitors to “Enjoy your visit, have fun, make a memory”, but must assume that this final admonition is intended to remind us that the countryside is a resource we all share and should all value. Above all, visitors should respect the people who live and work in the countryside and ensure that their visit does not in any way impede or have a negative impact on the rural economy.
